#but NO they cant just do that. they HAVE to call me an illiterate retard or accuse me of bullying children or call me a bigot

[cryptideye]

ANYWAYS ive decided that im going to be nice for the rest of the week dont unfollow me for being annoying on main wait where are you g

but also in all seriousness. very telling to me that two ANONS who left me rude and insulting messages BOTH accused me of harassment when i have literally never sent a mean message to ANYONE over petty fandom bullshit. like i challenge any of you to find any mean replies or reblogs or asks ive sent to people. i guarantee you dont be able to find any, because if i see a post that bothers me SO MUCH that i cannot ignore it, i either try to make an actual counterargument (without any insults that i send with my real blog) or i make my own post not directed at ANY one blog saying something like "wow saw a bad post today rlly unbuttered my biscuits" or "i dont like it when people say this thing for x reason." the only anon messages ive ever sent were either compliments or questions i was too embarrassed to ask, like asking someone what brush set they use for a piece of art.

you realize that my IMMEDIATELY jumping to "this person made a post on their own blog disagreeing with my opinion and saying its bad, therefore they HARASS people who hold said opinion" is more telling of how YOU function on the internet than how I function on the internet, right...? like just bc YOU send people rude anonymous messages when you disagree with their mild take doesnt mean everyone else on the planet does that

[lanznathanjohn]

A Savant’s Lament

      [prologue] A dead line drew near. I stayed late at night at one of those coffee shops right by the main road, cherishing the consumerist capitalist essence of overpriced coffee I, for the first time, paid for. —Before the last sip, I finalized everything, giving myself the illusion of accomplished work. Something I skillfully mastered throughout his secondary education years. There was no value of producing an honest //sincere output as long as the given output went according to the given standards. With nothing to write that inexplicably went against the purposeful expression and communication, everything there was to say was nothing but a vitriolic attempt to use prolific language addressing an achromatic dogma of artful expression since its meaning has been reduced to an esoteric virtue, a mere quest to an idiosyncratic form of communication that aims to bring the beholders to a certain state of fanciful impression.  ───

        I left the coffee shop satisfied at the amount of work I’ve done ─if there’s any, and at the length of time I spent inside the place, making the most out of the comfortable chairs and the aesthetically pleasing ambiance. Overstaying was the answer to overpriced coffee. I walked across an empty street. The gloom that enveloped the skies was disturbing, more so that the caffeine in my body triggered palpitations and anxiety. I fished deep in my pockets for quite some time until looking for something ─eventually I found it in the back pocket of my backpack. I grabbed the pack along with the wooden matches. There was only one stick left —the wish stick. With my hands shaking sweaty; I lit the red Marlboros and inhaled quite a drag. Almost instantly I felt the nicotine—pass through my lungs and onto my head. A flush of nausea// and lightheadedness immediately dimmed my vision. Caffeine /and nicotine surely isn’t a decent mix but along with it comes—a satisfying pleasurable type of pain. It wasn’t idealbut vices and virtues were the only things that kept me running and run I did. I looked for somewhere to stay. Everything is so dull. I called my conyo millennial manileno friends —what the hell are they so proud about they can’t even speak straight english they //talk like shit shit flowing out of their mouths vomiting words that has no meaning meaning nothing okay okay okay what the hell. Maybe I’m one of them or maybe not but at least I’m self—aware maybe that’s the difference the difference is that I’m self—aware i know I’m shit and I’m feeling like shit so even if I’m shit I’m not like shit shit. Some people are really shit like they swallowed a dictionary whole and they shit out the words out of their mouth nothing of meaning comes out nothing nothing—nothing really matters anymore anyway. They’re nowhere near. But I told them I need them and they’re coming //coming for me. I was thinking if I should call my other group of friends. The uncivilized illiterate bunch of retarded retards that has nothing to do other than have fun fun fun crazy crazy stuff but I can’t be with the same people all the time eventually you’ll run out of things to say and things to do so

       I’m here waiting working drinking smoking waiting waiting finally here they come here they come at long last I’m happy// I’m happy happy and excited and thrilled —I’ve been here for days years decades already coming walking nearer here they come here they come ohmygod dear lord —wait, shit what are you saying you can’t come I’ve been waiting oh whatever fuck off yeah sure it’s fine take care —no one’s going with me tonight then then whatever I have nowhere to go nothing to do no one to talk to. I’m just a caffeinated junkie with a superior intelligence quotient and an artistic head full of thoughts thoughts I can’t think straight anymore maybe another shot will help //gulp// oh what the hell am i saying speaking thinking its like im stupid dumb well shit im wasting everything wasting wasting my brain my brain cells my neurons my neurological capacity im not even here to enjoy no —what’s there to enjoy //partying isn’t my jam —jam //jam im just here because im sort of exploring human behavior sort of embarking on a mission to seek seek seek understanding about the reality of human society and the essence of chemically induced —yeah yeah yeah that sounds smart fuck yeah im back the smart ass is back im smart it does sound smart right right you know why? It’s cause I’m smart smart smart like really intelligent my iq is so high its like my iq smoked weed weed like really good shit weed that’s how high very high high—high //

       But im tired tired like really really tired not tired tired but bored exhausted tired of this and this and that and this again and again and again //nothing new just study work study work eat and eat wheres the adventure and satisfactionfeels like a distant memory—the only thing that can bring me closer is doing illegal underage shit //but law is just a social construct so is beauty and consumerism—and—capitalism and fucked up educational system and shit jobs poverty hunger dirt work work //do this and do that buy buy buy survive contribute to society and economy and money money money //is this what life is im pretty sure this isnt what life is supposed to be //suppose i stop giving a shit and drop dead //but no i want to live why would i want to die sometimes i dont //even i cant even understand myself i want to live but if i cant live id rather die instead that doesnt make any sense does it because i really hope i make sense it makes sense to me why cant it—make sense to other people i really try my best to make sense of everything and anything even if it doesnt make sense—but really //sometimes youre the one whos gotta //make sense of something —cause sometimes wherever or whoever the whatever it is that you need to make sense out of came// —from that someone or something //probably cant make sense out of it either isnt that poetic and abstract sometimes—some genius just flicks his—or—her his—or—her or—something—in—between paintbrush or splashes paint or throws in junk and junk and more junk and //i have absolutely no idea what im doing nor do they but its—up up up up! to you if you can make a meaning out of it and thats the meaning meaning it doesnt mean anything //unless you find meaning in it but this—whatever—this is whatever this is can you make—meaning out—of this// i—hope you do i really-want a high grade i deserve it i deserve it i deserve it i deserve i am i am worthy i am worth-something ─i am worth everything and—and everything because i am everything i can be anyone—anything in the// sunrise —sunrise-sun—rise if —if you want me to be //if you want me to be a sympathetic prophetic socratic junkie literary—genius //copyright-infringing plagiarizing—lover honest—student alcoholic-smoker chaste—ignorant literate political practical-devoted—christian atheist—//agnostic-deist and thats me-me—me—I—//am-am—I—am—every//everything—thing—im—anything—//and—I—can be anyone but -I’m -nothing but a-dead-//line-so-I-am-no-one-//no-one-one-one-one-two-three

       [Epilogue] I woke up. Scattered on the floor were empty beer bottles. On the table were some left overs and wet chips. On the ashtrays were half smoked cigarettes. I had no idea what happened. I remembered I had to go somewhere. I smelled like beer and piss and other types of liquids but it doesn’t matter. I needed to go somewhere because someone told me to go there. It was my duty as a member of society. And so as light at the end of the hallway slowly crept against the darkness the sun rose from the horizon and another day began, I walked. I still have a dead line to meet.

092316xxxx