#even when i was a little kid and WAS unnecessarily rude to people online i still said ALL that shit with my entire face

[cryptideye]

ANYWAYS ive decided that im going to be nice for the rest of the week dont unfollow me for being annoying on main wait where are you g

but also in all seriousness. very telling to me that two ANONS who left me rude and insulting messages BOTH accused me of harassment when i have literally never sent a mean message to ANYONE over petty fandom bullshit. like i challenge any of you to find any mean replies or reblogs or asks ive sent to people. i guarantee you dont be able to find any, because if i see a post that bothers me SO MUCH that i cannot ignore it, i either try to make an actual counterargument (without any insults that i send with my real blog) or i make my own post not directed at ANY one blog saying something like "wow saw a bad post today rlly unbuttered my biscuits" or "i dont like it when people say this thing for x reason." the only anon messages ive ever sent were either compliments or questions i was too embarrassed to ask, like asking someone what brush set they use for a piece of art.

you realize that my IMMEDIATELY jumping to "this person made a post on their own blog disagreeing with my opinion and saying its bad, therefore they HARASS people who hold said opinion" is more telling of how YOU function on the internet than how I function on the internet, right...? like just bc YOU send people rude anonymous messages when you disagree with their mild take doesnt mean everyone else on the planet does that

[connordavidscamera]

7 Years | Connor Brashier

A/n: This is a repost from my Shawn account!! This is my piece and is not stolen.

Summary: You and Connor have been together for a while now and it’s time to take that next step.

word count: about 2.8k

***

“I’m freaking out, man. What if she says no? What am I going to do then?” I run my hands messily through my hair as I pace back and forth in the mostly empty room. “I'm scared, Shawn. This could go so horribly wrong. I could say the wrong thing. I could say nothing at all. What if I drop the ring or something?” I groan, looking up to the sky, already worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.

“Con, calm down, bud. You need to - Brash, stop pacing.” his hands clap my shoulders, halting my movements. “Take a breath.” he takes a deep breath in through his nose, motioning for me to copy him. I do, or at least, I try to. “Good, okay. Now sit down because you're creating a path in the carpet.”

I nod and manage to sit down on the edge of the table nearest to us. “You’re right. I need to calm down.”

“You do. It’s just y/n, man. You’ve been together for seven years, she’d be crazy not to say yes to this.”

“But we’ve never really talked about this before. Like really talked.”

“What do you mean you’ve never talked about it?”

“Well, I mean, come on. Of course we’ve talked about it, but it was always in that blissful, teenage way. You know when you’re sixteen and talking about forever as if you know anything about it. It was never a serious conversation. At least I don’t think it was.”

“She wouldn’t be with you for this long if she wasn’t sure she saw a future with you. What’s freaking you out? Talk to me, man.”

I sigh, my head in my hands. “We started dating when we were thirteen years old. She was my first kiss, my first girlfriend, my first date, my first everything. That’s always been enough for me. Just having her as my one and only for everything. But what if this isn’t what she wants? What if marriage changes things for us? What if she doesn’t love me anymore after this? What if I’m not enough for her?”

“Connor, buddy, where is any of this coming from? You two are soulmates. Everyone knows that. You can’t possibly think that she would want to be with anyone else.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to ease my rampant mind. 

“I just don’t want to lose what’s us.” I say, thinking back to the day I asked her out on our first date. 

My palms are sweating as I make my way over to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life. The girl who I have been friends with for three years now. Her hair is in this high ponytail with a few strands of hair pulled out to frame her face, and she’s wearing a white v-neck shirt and black jeans. The only trace of makeup on her face is that minuscule amount of mascara she puts on daily, and this ultra shiny lip gloss - the one that makes her lips look bigger. 

Don’t ask me how I know that. (It’s definitely not because I stare at her lips when she talks to me sometimes and I know that her lips are always set in that perfect pout, whether she’s wearing lip gloss or not.) 

I must have cleared my throat a thousand times to keep it from shaking so badly, but it didn’t help because the second the words left my mouth, my voice cracked and shook and it was everything I never wanted this to be. But it worked nonetheless. “Would you - I uh,”  I cough. “Do you want to… g-go on a,” clear my throat again. Jesus, Connor, get it together. “Wouldyouliketogoonadatewithme?” I finally ask in one breath, not bothering to pause between words. 

She smiles then. And not just that half smile that she’s pretty much reserved for school - that smile that says, yeah I’m paying attention (even if her eyes never really reach the smile.) This is the smile that I’m used to seeing when we’re in one of our homes and we’re doing homework together. When she’s helping me with these films I’ve been making recently and I ask her to star in them. The smile is all teeth and her eyes are shining so bright, I think she might have stolen stars from the sky just to put them in these beautiful y/e/c eyes that are staring into my soul . “I’d like that very much.”

I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I was more nervous that day than any other day in my life. Even going on tour with Shawn wasn’t as nerve-wracking as going up to the love of your life at thirteen, knowing full well that she could say she doesn’t want you like that. That she only sees you as a friend. But I got lucky, I guess. No, I know I did. She just had to say one word to kill me fully, but she said yes and it was the greatest day of my life.

“What are you thinking about?” Brian asks. I don’t know when he came in, but he’s here now and his hands are on my shoulders, attempting to release the tension straining my muscles.

“I’m stressing.”

“About asking y/n to marry you? Why?”

“He thinks she’s going to say no.”

“After seven years?”

“That’s what I said,” Shawn sighs. 

“Come on, Brash. This is the easy part. If anything, the hardest part was probably asking her to sleep with you.”

I shrug, he’s not wrong. That was hard too, but I wasn’t the one to ask. 

Being together for three years, people think we’ve already slept together. And at this point in time, there’s really no point in telling them that we haven’t. They won’t believe us. But it’s not because we don’t want to - or not because I don’t, at least. Of course I do. But y/n doesn’t seem to be interested in it right now and I don’t want to push her. 

Which is why I pull away from her before we go toward the point of no return. I mean, we’re not saints, by any means, we’ve maybe kind of reached third base. (It’s hard to really say because we got a little drunk that night, and neither of us really remember much of that night. But we do know that we didn’t go all the way.) So when I hear her hum, the usual sign of protest, I pull my hands from under her shirt. But she whines then, bringing my hands back up to her chest, where - in my opinion - they naturally belong. 

“You okay, sweetheart?” I ask, tugging at her bottom lip.

She nods, letting out a sharp breath. “I want you, Connor.”

“I’m here.”

“No,” she pulls away, resting her weight on my thighs, seeing  as she’s straddling my waist. “I want you. Right now. I want… I want to have sex with you.”

I choked on my own spit. “Wait, really?”

She nods, “I want to experience it. And I want to experience it with you.”

“You’re sure?”

“Please?” she rests her forehead against mine. “Please, baby. I want to feel you.”

I moan at that statement. If she wants this, then fuck, I’ll give it to her. So I nod, “Yes. Yes, okay.” I take her head in my hands and connect our lips again, already flipping us around so I’m on top of her. 

“That wasn’t nearly as hard as this.”

“I’m still not quite understanding the big deal.”

“You try proposing to the girl you’ve spent nearly half your life with,” I snap unnecessarily, and shake my head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay. Just… take a breath, Con. You have to calm down before you do anything, okay? You don’t want to be flustered when you ask. So, what’s making this hard? What are you scared of?”

Shawn sits next to me and nudges my shoulder. “Yeah, come on. It can’t just be because she’s pretty. Something is really bothering you about this. What is it?”

I feel my eyes start to water, but I push the tears away and clear my throat. “Did I ever tell you guys about how we almost broke up in the beginning of tour?”

“You what?” they ask in unison.

“It was hard, being away from her all that time.”

“Well yeah, but what does that -”

“We’d never been away from each other that long. A few weeks sure, but never months on end. It was never like this. We went to grade school together. We go to the same college. But then I started traveling constantly and it got hard. We fought all the time, it wasn’t good. We never fought that much. It got to a point where every phone call would result in a fight and then we just stopped calling, all together.”

I still remember that last fight we had. It was stupid, thinking back to it. She was sick and she didn’t really feel like talking because she had a headache. I was stressed and needed to hear her voice. That didn’t work out for either of us. 

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“Con, I told you, I have a headache,” she sighs. “You know how bad they get.”

“But I need you.”

“And I’m here,” she coughs. It hurts my heart a little, but I don’t cave. 

“No you’re not.”

“Connor, don’t start.”

“Why not? You aren’t here, y/n! You always say shit like, ‘I’m always with you.’ But you’re not fucking here, and I miss you. It’s not fair.”

“You think I want this, Connor? You think I like being far away from you for so long? It’s hard for me too.”

“Really? Because you don’t even want to talk to me now.”

“I don’t feel good, you ass! And your tone is doing nothing for my headache.”

“Oh poor you. You have a headache. Y/n, I need to have this fucking project done by Friday night and the due date is right in the middle of the concert.”

“Then do it now? You can be doing it instead of calling me to complain. You chose to go on tour and still do your classes online. Don’t act like this is anyone else’s fault but your own.”

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

“No! Actually I’m not. You chose to go on tour, I didn’t do that for you. So if you’re so stressed out, you can blame past you for thinking you would be able to handle all of this. I told you to think this through completely and you said you’d be fine, so I left it alone.”

“Why are you being like this right now? Jesus, you’re so goddamn irritating.”

“I’m irritating?” she repeats and her voice is full of hurt. “Wow, fuck you, Connor.”

“Y/n, wait. I didn’t mean that.” I say after I realize what I just said.

“Yeah, I’m sure you didn’t. Don’t call me again. I’d hate to irritate you even further.” She says before hanging up.

“Y/n!” But the call ended. She wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks. In those two weeks I was completely unbearable to be around. I was snappy and rude and going through major withdrawals. Until I got so scared that she would leave that I had to fly back to Cali to apologize since she wouldn’t take my calls.

“I really did think I was going to lose her. I thought I ruined it for us being away and not being considerate. It’s just… I don’t ever want to feel that again, my heart was in my stomach and then my feet when I got back home and she didn’t instantly run into my arms. She wasn’t in my clothes. It was hell.”

“Okay, I get that… but you’re fine now, right?” Brian asks.

“Yeah, I just hate that I did that to her. I hate that I made her feel, even for a second, like she wasn’t fucking enough. That she was irritating. I don’t know how she forgave me or why, but she did and I am so, so grateful for that. It’s always gonna be there you know? That piece of me that says, ‘hey, it may have been a 7 year relationship with your best friend, but it can still end if you fuck up again.”

Shawn checks his phone and sighs, “Well the stage is ready, are you good? Do we need to cancel it?”

My phone rings and I nearly jump out of skin, pulling it out of my pocket. “It’s her,” I say and hurl myself off the table before answering.

“Hi, sweetheart,” I breathe out.

“Hey lover boy, where are you?”

“Shawn’s dressing room. I’ll come get you.”

“No need. I’m around the corner.”

“Oh?” I leave the room, and turn to the side in time to see my beautiful, lovely, wonderful, completely out of my league girlfriend walking around the corner, and I can’t help but smile. “There’s my pretty girl,” I say, and I can just feel myself losing all that hesitation that I had before. Because I’m looking at her and I can’t help but fall even more in love with her, and the ring that was feeling heavy in my pocket just moments ago doesn’t anymore.

Her arms wrap around my neck and I hold her waist tightly, breathing in her scent - that scent of home during fall, her usual pumpkin vanilla fragrance fills my nostrils. “Missed you, y/n/n.”

She hums, “It’s only been a week, Con.”

“That mean you didn’t miss me?” I pull away from her and furrow my brows, but I’m kidding, we both know that.

“Of course I did,” she answers and leans in to press a soft kiss to my lips. “Always miss my baby Brash.”

I shake my head at the name. She never lets me live it down. But it’s kinda cute when she says it, so I’ll never take it from her. “You’re staring,” she boops my nose before falling back into me.

“Sorry,”  I whisper into her hair.

“Where are the guys?” she asks when we finally pull away.

I turn back to the dressing room and see that neither of them are in there, and I know exactly where they are now. “Um… they might be on stage. Let’s go see,” I take her hand and lead her down the long hall, to the stage where I know Shawn and the band are doing “soundcheck.”

I discreetly shoot Shawn a text, telling him we’re rounding the corner. And seconds later, they start playing Marry Me by Train. I peak over at her and see that she’s beaming. “It’s our song!” And it’s true. This is the song that played when I realized that yes, I am absolutely in love with the girl standing next to me. 

We were at a family party - I can’t remember whose, hers or mine. But we were fourteen, it was late and the music was still playing in the backyard, providing something to focus on other than the loud conversations going on around us. We slipped out unnoticed and I asked her to dance. And we swayed to the song until it was over and we didn’t stop for what felt like hours. My heart was so full, I felt like I had the entire world in my hands that night, and I know now that I still do, and I will for the rest of my life.

“Will you dance with me?” I ask her when we’re in the middle of the arena, her eyes wandering around the place, meeting Shawn’s glowing eyes on the big screen to the side of us.

She nods and I pull her to my chest, swaying us to the music, feeling my heart fill once again. 

“It might sound prettier when Shawn sings it,” she whispers into my ear and I can’t help but laugh. 

“Yeah, maybe so.” I nod and kiss her cheek. “Sweetheart?” I say when the song starts to slow.

“Hmm?”

“You know I’m in love with you, right?”

She nods, “I know. I love you too.”

I take in a deep breath and let go of her hands and one of them goes into my pocket to secretly grab the ring. 

“Can I ask you something then?” Her back is to Shawn and the screen, so she doesn’t know that we’re on the big screen right now. 

“Anything.”

I clear my throat and get down on one knee. “Will you marry me?”

***

I hope you enjoyed (again)! Please like, reblog, and leave feedback!!

[ricky-corderbro]

Here I am, Stuck in a Freezer with You || Ricky & Kaden

Ricky and Kaden find themselves stuck in a freezer during a middle of the night ice cream run. Maybe it’s the cold that’s slowly killing them, but, emotional progress is made. 

@chasseurdeloup

There was no way in hell Kaden could stay in his apartment another night. Hell he barely managed to the other night. And the only reason he slept was because he passed out after getting drunk off his ass on wine. He had most of what he needed ready to pack up and go before heading off into the woods for the next few days but there were a few essentials he was missing. Most of them were beer. Some of them were ice cream. The big stupid “Ice Cave” in the back of the convenience store thankfully had both. Kaden knew he was getting the giant ass box full of bottles so hunting down the ice cream first sounded smarter, made the balancing act of putting the pint on top of the box on his way to the register a little easier. Too bad the balancing act of his life had gone to fucking hell in a handbasket. No, he was going to avoid thinking about this right now out in public. Last thing he needed. He scanned the aisles looking for a good mint chocolate chip, preferably one that wasn’t unnaturally green. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone. Who he recognized. “Putain,” he grumbled to himself under his breath. He didn’t really need seal boy to see him this disheveled. Guess that ship had sailed. “How does this keep happening?” He let out a sigh. “Is this more or less depressing than meeting in the hospital?”

There had to be a word for what came after exhaustion, because Ricky didn’t think that exhausted covered it anymore. The asanbosam, the mimes at Al’s, the thing at Yours Mime and Ours… he felt like he hadn’t had a break in years and it was starting to wear him ragged. Which is how he’d found himself down at the QuikTrip slightly outside of town shopping for that special brand of junk food you only ate when you were too tired or too drunk to be an actual adult. The Ice Cave in the back of the store felt comfortably chilly to him, wrapped as he was in an old swim team hoodie, and as he scanned the shelves of non-dairy ice cream to find something that was good to eat while binge watching terrible cartoons online he saw a remarkably disheveled looking Kaden Langley on the other side of the cooler. It truly was the most tenuous of peaces they lived in right now; a truce made wobbly by their pasts and only slightly stable by the knowledge that they weren’t going to kill each other at first sight. Maybe second. But not first. He shrugged broadly, picking up a pint of vegan gelato to look at the ingredient list, “Depressing? About the same I’d say. Shameful? Well probably more since it looks like neither of us really wanted to be seen shopping for ice cream at three in the morning.” Kaden looked like he’d just come off one helluva bender, but Ricky wasn’t going to bring that up. At least not at first, “Are you really looking at mint chocolate chip ice cream? Like a fucking psychopath?”

“Funny enough, you got that right.” Kaden sighed and picked out his stupid ice cream. At least Ricky looked about as put together as he did.  “And what the fuck is wrong with mint chocolate chip?” He caught sight of the vegan gelato. Vegan? Merde, is that even ice cream any more? Why bother? Just crush some ice and eat that, it probably tastes as good.” He shook his head and placed his carton of ice cream on top of the box full of beer cans. “Why are you here at three in the morning, anyway?” Items in hand, Kaden was headed out of this stupid store, or at least the stupid Ice Cave. Then there was a loud commotion. His brow furrowed. Sounds of a scuffle outside the door. Shouts. Screaming. Claws? A bang. His head shot towards the door. And the window went dark as something fell in front of it. Putain. “No. No, no, no,” he shouted as he dropped the box of beer and threw himself into the door, hoping it’d budge. Nothing. Just a bruised shoulder. He tried again. Same result. Stuck. They were stuck. Together. And there was probably a really good monster to kill on the other side of the door, too. That’d cheer him up so much, too. “Putain.” He sighed and set up the box, sat on it, and opened up the ice cream. “Just my fucking luck.”

“It’s such an old person ice cream. It’s right the fuck up there with Rum Raisin and that shit.” Ricky flipped Kaden off as a pint of cardamom gelato and a pint of lavender went into his basket, “We’re a carnivorous species. Milk makes my tummy sad.” There was a kerfuffle from outside the ice cave as Kaden went to leave; Ricky couldn’t hear much over the cacophonous roar of the cooler fans but he could see shadows outside, and he could very clearly see Kaden with his hunter strength fail to open the cooler door, “You. have got. To be fucking kidding me.” If Kaden couldn’t open the door there was no way Ricky could so he wouldn’t even bother trying. He’d probably pop a stitch or something. He chose to follow Kadens lead though, and popped the top off his ice cream, “Couldn’t sleep. Decided to do some midnight shopping. And apparently get stuck in a freezer with you.” He fashioned a makeshift spoon out of the lid and popped his fake teeth out. Kaden already knew what he was and ice cream made them feel weird, “You look like shit warmed over though. What the fuck happened to you?”

“Mint chocolate chip is classic, not old. There’s a difference.” He sighed and then grumbled, mostly to himself, “To be fair, I am getting close to over the hills in hunter years.” Still, he rolled his eyes when he saw Ricky’s middle finger. “Your tummy? No wonder you think I’m old when you talk like you’re five.” Kaden sneered a little as he watched Ricky remove his false teeth. It was so easy to forget sometimes that he was talking to a monster. Shit like that was always a reminder. He tried to bristle off the feeling of his skin crawling at the sight of his real teeth. Or maybe that was just the shiver of cold that ran through him while eating ice cream in a walk in freezer. Whatever, it wasn’t like he could kill him, anyway. Even without the threat of Morgan biting him, too much effort. He was sort of the only suspect at the moment. Plus, being stuck with a dead body for however long this was going to take was surprisingly going to be worse conversation. And he just wasn’t in the mood. “Me? Oh nothing. Just found out I’m an idiot and that my girlfriend’s a fae. Go on. Laugh. I’ve been called a mime fucker so many times, I’m almost used to being the town joke. Could be nice to have a different punchline.”

“Uh huh. Whatever. Enjoy your weird toothpaste dessert.” It was somewhat comforting to know that even trapped in a freezer they could still keep up their special brand of insult-based peace. “Don’t knock it til you try it. Cardamom ice cream is where it’s fucking at, my dude. It’s the best flavor.” Ricky held the pint out across the freezer to Kaden, at least some semblance of a peace offering since the chances of them being rescued before shift change was very slim. “I’m sorry. Fucking Kavanagh is a fae? And she had the gall to get snippy with me when I told her that fucking amulet was probably magical?! Fucking rude that’s what that is. Goddamn fucking rude.” He continued to eat his ice cream as he watched Kaden. That can’t have been an easy position he suddenly found himself in, which probably explained why he looked like he’d been living off Everclear and remorse, “In my defense, I did attempt to dissuade people from saying you were a mime fucker. So many other things about you are just so fucking terrible, we might as well focus on the truth and not the falsehoods. But… can’t be easy, especially given your life’s work. And put that fucking sneer in your back pocket, fae-fucker. You know I’m a goddamn Selkie. I’m not closeting myself unnecessarily in front of you. You don’t have a whole lotta room to be judgmental right now anyway. So. You gonna ice your girlfriend?”

Kaden rolled his eyes but took a chunk of the weird ass ice cream with his makeshift spoon anyway. Putain. He was right. It was pretty good. “It’s alright.” No way was he admitting to seal boy he made a potentially better choice than him. “She doesn't realize she’s fae. It’s an impressive level of denial.” That he didn’t know what the fuck to do with. His eyes were focused deeply on the ice cream in front of him, poking around it a bit with his sad lid spoon as if he could push it back and forth like food on a dinner plate when you were too distracted to bother eating. “Well thanks. Good to know I can count on you to run an ethical slander campaign. But yeah. It’s not. I thought she was--” It was strange how, of all snips back and forth, “fae-fucker” was the only one that stung. Like a needle piercing into him. Probably because this might be the nicest context he was sure to hear that used in the future. If he chose to. Stay, that was. He pushed back the lump in his throat and kept his eyes on his ice cream. “I don’t know yet.” Fuck. This wasn’t where he wanted to be. At all. Not feeling like this. He glanced up at the door, hopeful, but no change. All he could do was grip the carton a little tighter, watch some of the ice cream push up ever slightly within the cardboard container.

“Uh huh. Alright my flawlessly toned ass. It’s fucking amazing. They make a really solid sweet corn one too. Which I know sounds like the weirdest flavor of ice cream on Earth but is actually pretty fucking good.” Ricky snorted, the hot air leaving his nostrils in a blast of steam, “Impressive level of denial. Fucking stupid level of denial is what it is. So, what, she’s just gonna keep faking herself into thinking she’s human until she handles too much iron and dies?” He shook his head, pushing wild curls out of his face as he continued to eat his ice cream, “It’s so comforting to know that even when confronted by the prospect of having to murder your girlfriend in cold blood you’re still ever the staunch and steadfast Hunter. I’m shocked it gave you even a little pause. I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for her obituary. Bake a pie for the wake.” He watched as Kaden attempted to take his feelings out on the poor carton of ice cream in his hands, “Mint chocolate chip is a gross flavor but it doesn’t deserve the beating you’re giving that poor carton. Is the Hunter actually wrestling with his conscience?! I’m in utter disbelief that you even have one. I thought for you people it was only the hunt and nothing else mattered.” He continued to work his way through the pint of ice cream in his lap, keeping one eye on Kaden. He didn’t entirely trust that the other man wouldn’t kill him in here.

“That sounds disgusting. You can keep it.” There was another clash outside the door and Kaden’s eyes shot up, hopeful. Nope, still closed. Still dark. “I don’t know. She thinks it’s all a medical condition. She knows it’s real but won’t admit it’s supernatural. So hopefully she can figure out the iron ‘allergy.’” He sighed again. That wasn’t going to be a fun conversation. Any of it. If he had it all, that was. He could just walk away, be done. Like he wished he could walk away right now. His brow creased and his gaze shot up at the word murder. “Wait, what? Murder? I thought you meant break up with her. I’m not fucking killing my girlfriend you brainless ball of blubber.” He looked around and found a bottlecap and chucked it at Ricky’s head. “That’s how I should be. What I’m sure my parents wanted.” He relaxed his grip on the carton and watched the ice cream settle back down into the container, a little more melted than before. Even so, a shiver went through him. Fuck, it wasn’t that cold when he was just walking in and walking out. Sitting here was another story. “Hell, I know it’s what my parents wanted. My mother’s been fucking following me as a ghost since… Anyway, she fucking made an appareance to Regan. Scared the shit out of her. Told her to stay away from me.”

“Uh huh. There’s trying to turn a blind eye to shit and then there’s being willfully ignorant in a way that’s gonna get your ass killed.” Ricky’s mind flashed briefly to Skylar and he shook the image out of his head, “She may be book smart, but your girlfriend’s a fucking idiot when it comes to self-preservation.” As Kaden had the audacity to look shocked Ricky shot him what he hoped was his most withering look, “Really. You’re really gonna play the victim card here, bitch. Of course I have to wonder if you of all fucking people are gonna kill her. And in what world does “ice her” just mean break up? That’s pretty much universally always means kill.” Ricky watched a shiver rumble through Kaden’s body and for a brief moment started to get concerned. He hadn’t even considered that being stuck in a freezer for several hours would be dangerous for Kaden. He sloughed off his sweatshirt and tossed it across the freezer, “Here. It’ll be warm at least. We run hot, so, I can stand being in here better than you can.” Kaden was definitely pretty low on the list of people Ricky wanted to be shirtless in front of, but, better a living Kaden than a dead one. “Oh of course. The speciest ghost gets to manifest meanwhile my mom is floating somewhere around town and I don’t get to see her.”

“She’s not an idiot,” he snapped. Sure, Ricky had a point. But Kaden just couldn’t sit there and shit all over her because she was having trouble grappling with everything that was happening to her. Fuck, he was having trouble with it himself and he was inundated with the supernatural from day one. He clenched his jaw at the accusation. “I don’t know, I thought you meant ice like freeze out! Not that. Putain. How the fuck would I know that? English isn’t my first fucking language, you connard.” Kaden could feel his teeth start to chatter, the cold was cutting right down to the bone. And just when he thought he’d simply have to suck it up, the selfie offered his sweatshirt. Some part of him still felt wrong accepting kindness from a monster, that they were capable of it. The same way it was strange to learn someone he cared about so deeply was something he’d labeled as a monster for so long. Still, he reached out and took the sweatshirt. As proud as he was, freezing to death due to stubbornness was too stupid even for him. “I wouldn’t be jealous. At least you know she passed on. I… might be stuck making that decision later on.” He wanted to add that probably meant Ricky’s mother trusted her son more than his mother seemed to trust him. Putain, maybe for good reason. He was talking to a fucking selkie like he was a person. “And you didn’t have to hear your dead mother stop just short of calling you disgraceful.” His voice was low, hardly a whisper. Shit, seal boy probably couldn’t hear him. Maybe for the best. “How’d she die?” he asked, a little louder than he might for most.

“She’s a little bit of an idiot.” Ricky finished his ice cream, and carefully set the empty carton in his basket so he could pay for it if they ever made it out if here, “It’s not mine either, and I still manage to know what it means. You’re thinking of ghosting. Also, I’m now realizing, a confusing turn of phrase given your profession.” It was somewhat edifying to watch the feature length film of emotions that skittered across Kaden’s face before he finally accepted the sweatshirt and pulled it on. “I did laundry yesterday. So it’s clean. I just wore it from the house to here. Congrats you’re now repping the UMWC swim team. As the conversation shifted to the most thin and fragile of ice Ricky reevaluated where they were. Where dead mothers were involved things could quickly get ugly. “She didn’t pass on.” He muttered, thinking for a moment how much he’d love to hear his mother call him disgraceful if it meant that he could hear her at all one more time. “Well if you believe the coroner’s report/the story we told the town, a very bad car accident.” He idly scratched at one tattooed shoulder, pushing his glasses up on his face before he heaved a sigh and looked Kaden in the eyes, “But the actual cause of death was the same reason so many of us die.” He didn’t feel the need to elaborate any further. They’d had enough fights for Kaden to know exactly what he meant by that. “What about yours?”

Kaden shot him one last look before letting it lie. It was one thing for him to bemoan Regan’s innability to accept the supernatural, it waas another for this kid to sit there and call her stupid. “I lived over half my life on another continent, cut me a break. I do pretty fucking well,” he grumbled as he shrugged into the sweatshirt. “Oh yeah, sure the swim team would love to take on the guy who almost drowned. Wait, is it cheating for you to be on a swim team? You know. Given,” he said and gestured to Ricky, just all of him, implying the whole seal thing. Guess it didn’t matter much, he probably wasn’t the only one on the team to be honest, not in this town. As the topic changed, his brows knit together. Why wouldn’t she be able to pass o-- It hit him. Combined with the fact that Ricky implied, she was surely killed by hunters. He understood. “I’m sorry. That… So you know. I’ve never agreed with, uh, selling of the skins. Your skins, I guess.” Taking trophies was one thing. Hunting the supernatural for profit, that really wasn’t the point of what they did. A bounty for a kill that could save lives, sure, that was just getting paid for your work. But hunting down selkies for their skins or fae for their wings… it never sat well with him. Collecting those didn’t make humanity any safer, just gave eccentric collectors something to line the walls with. The ice cream was hardly melted, or finished, but he couldn’t eat any more. And not just because of the temperature. “Coroner's report said animal attack.” He huffed a laugh. “Werewolf. What else? Both my parents were there. It, uh, it was… They were more than experienced. This wolf… uh, brutal and vicious don’t begin to cover it.”

“You get no break. I speak three and a half languages. Get on my level scrub.” Ricky knew there was a pretty hefty chance that Kaden spoke more languages than he did but he couldn’t resist any opportunity to get a tiny jab in. “Mmmmm…. Arguable. Really the only benefit I’d have in human form is increased oxygen capacity in my blood. It’s not like I’ve got webbed hands and feet or anything. Also you can say selkie. It’s not a dirty word. At least not for most people, I guess I can see how it would turn to ash in your mouth.” Kaden’s bumbling apology was something, a small scant something, “Forgive me if that isn’t incredibly comforting. The line between trophy hunter and exterminator is pretty fucking thin.” He leaned back for a moment before remembering that he didn’t have a shirt on and that the cold metal of the shelving unit behind him felt remarkably like being burned with how cold it was, “That’s one helluva villain origin story right there. I am sorry, that must have been rough.” Idly spinning his mother’s silver ring around his finger he sighed heavily, “Do…. you people…. And you’ll forgive my tone of utter disgust there, have a way you commemorate those who’ve fallen exacting your mighty purge?”

“And a half? What the fuck is a half language? But if we’re going by those rules, me too, connard.” Kaden wasn’t sure what his half language would be but there had to be at least one. Hell, Canadian French had to count as its own, right? Still, he wasn’t wrong. The word selkie, it was hard for him to say. Not in the general sense, sure, but it was too hard to reconcile in his mind the portrait of a monster with someone he was sitting across the way having a moderately decent chat with. The disparate pieces didn’t fit together in the nice ordered slots he was used to them sliding into. He thought about snipping at the extermination remark, and the villain line, ask him what the hell he meant by that, but it felt wrong. Somehow. Decided to nod and accept the small sympathies instead. Maybe he was just too cold to waste his breath arguing with a seal. “Bury the dead. If there’s anything left to bury. Move on. That’s about it,” he said with a shrug. Too many hunters died too often to waste too much time on commemorating death. It also never sat well with him, but there wasn't much he could do. “I, uh, I do have this,” he said as he pulled up the sleeves of the sweatshirt and his shit to show the roman numerals tattooed on his inner forearm, just below the joint. “I take it one of those is for…” He trailed off, nodding at Ricky and scanning his tattoos.

“I’m proficient but not fully fluent in ASL. Is what that means. Dickface.” Somehow the insulting barbs they threw back and forth between them helped this feel like a normal conversation and not something where they were veering incredibly and uncomfortably close to treating each other like actual real people; revealing incredibly private portions of their damaged pasts. “Mm. Stands to reason I guess. You don’t seem like a particularly sentimental organization.” Ricky leaned forward though, when Kaden pulled up the sleeve of the sweatshirt to reveal the numbers, numbers that looked startlingly like a date, tattooed on his forearm. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it was probably the date his parents had died. “This?” Ricky leaned back and gestured to the complicated knotting design that occupied most of the left half of his torso, “Yeah.” he paused for a long moment, looking at the glittering silver ring with the same design on it before sliding it off and tentatively passing it to Kaden, “My mom’s clan. I’m the last member of Clan Muirgen living in America now. We’re not a super common species to begin with and tend to stick pretty close to our ancestral grounds. Only reason she was here at all was UMWC offered her a pretty sweet package to finish her doctorate and a job teaching. Guess she should have stayed in Rinn Mhaoile. Though… if she’d done that she wouldn’t have met my dad and then I wouldn’t be here. So. Hard to try to untangle the strings of the past.”

Kaden rolled his eyes even though, fine, that seemed like a fair half a language. But they were agreeing on too much and being too fucking cordial not to disapprove of at least one stupid insignificant comment. It was more than a little uncomfortable how much they had in common, how much of their stories overlapped while coming from different sides of the coin. Kaden may not be the last Langley in the world, there were some distant second cousins, but he was as good as the last of his line. It was strange connecting or trying to understand someone who he only saw as a monster not that long ago. “That sucks.” It was all he could manage to say. Anything else felt like it was too fake or like he was taking over the narrative or some shit. He hated when he talked about his parents and suddenly it was about that time someone’s cat died once. Which is why he normally didn’t. He got the feeling Ricky didn’t talk a whole lot about his mother either. “I always wonder what it would be like if my parents didn’t go on that hunt. So I mean, I kind of get it. A little. No siblings either. It sucks. I’m sorry.” He shivered, even in the sweatshirt it was cold. “Of course if we never make it out of this fucking freezer, it’ll never matter.”

Ricky eyed Kaden as the other man talked; suddenly very aware of how their lives were very very similar even if they themselves were polar opposites. “It does suck. It sucked more when I was younger. When I was 10 and my mom had just been murdered and my dad decided that even if it meant leaving me behind he couldn’t stand to be in White Crest anymore. Time heals a lot. Not everything. But a lot. I still fly back to Rinn Mhaoile every year to recarve her name on the tidestone of remembrance her clan has in the bay.” He watched steam rise off his warmer-than-human body and wondered how long it would take him to freeze to death in here. A sight longer than Kaden though that wasn’t as comforting as it once would have been, “I think they wanted to have more kids. But they never got around to it. It’s fine though. I’ve got a found family I love here in town and a million and a half cousins that I FaceTime constantly to keep up to date on family gossip. You practically need one of those corkboards with pictures and strings that conspiracy idiots have to keep track of all of the drama.” The silence stretched between them, cut only by the droning whir of the fans pumping arctic air down on them, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry as well. It’s a terrible thing to go through. And we only have to survive til shift change at 7. I know they have to come in to do a temperature check. I used to date a guy who worked at one of these when I was in high school.”

“He left? That’s--” Kaden couldn’t imagine. He’d been orphaned, sure, but it wasn’t by his parent’s choices. Well, not entirely. Sure they’d chosen to go out that night, but they wouldn’t just abandon him like that. Right? Not while he was their legacy. All of that shit. “That’s bullshit. That he did that.” He rubbed his arms with his hands, hoping to warm them. His skin might be colder than Regan’s for once. It would have been funny if the circumstances weren’t what they were. Thinking of her hit like a kick in the gut. Thinking of how cold he was just made it worse. “Family. Sounds nice. I, uh, my only family is pretty much other hunters at this point. Not related. We-- none of my relatives survived long enough for me to know them. Not sure there’s a Langely out there who’s died asleep in their bed. Not for a long fucking time at least. Centuries maybe.” He sighed and saw his breath form in the cold air in front of him. “Doubt that will end with me. Especially not if we never leave here.” 7. What time was it now? He checked his watch. Putain. They still had a while. “Well if I freeze to death, guess I won’t have to worry about any fucking decisions I have to make.”

“We all make choices in how we process our grief.” Ricky had the benefit of over a decade of hindsight, but he remembered how brightly his rage had burned, “I don’t think he could stand how much I looked like him but was truly like her. It always served to remind him of the true love he’d had taken from him.” He propped a leg up on a shelf, leaning back to listen to Kaden talk, “Is it that truly genetic then? Being a hunter? Like father like son? There was always a chance my parents could have birthed a human child; but I think genetically I was always more likely to be selkie than I was to be human. There’s something to be said for found family. My father’s side is all gay-hating arch conservatives so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on them. Winston, Blanche, Dee, Deidre…. These are better family members than I could ever have been shackled to by birth.” His laugh sent a billow of steam into the freezer air as he shook his head, “I’m not going to let you freeze to death in here, Langley. Even if I have to spoon you to keep you warm. You don’t get to use death as an excuse to get out of this decision.” As his bright smile faded into something more quiet and yet more sincere he leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees, resting his chin in steepled fingers, “As little as I know my opinion means to you, I do trust you to make the right choice. You’re a dick, and a douche, and an asshole… but you’re a good man. As much insane bullshit as there is in the world; I feel I can usually trust the hearts of good men. So don’t fuck it up.”

[all-good-things-dot-dot-dot]

All Good Things… Say No To Bullies...

#Blog #Bloggerstribe #AllGoodThings… #Blacklivesmatter 15th June 2020

Hello, Chaps and Chapettes,

I had my break on Sunday as I promised I would and goodness, I needed it. As much as I enjoy writing these and getting into a steady flow of writing something almost every day, I do burn myself out now and again. It is good to have a scheduled break to stop and take stock that I have done enough to be proud of the achievement so far.

That said, today wasn’t a great day. Somebody set out to attack me on one of the places online where I enjoy meeting and conversing with friends. I am not going to give them air time, this blog is not about them. It’s not really about me either, I want it to be for you so that you do not fall into the same pitfalls and traps laid out by unkind people the way I seem to.  

Bullies.

They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes you get a feeling from how they treat you or others straight away, sometimes it is a slow burn. Yet, we as a culture seem to link them to at least one place commonly which is schools. There is an assumption that bullying only occurs in those big grey houses of (a semblance of) learning and that when we leave there we are all big enough and dumb enough to never be bullied again. I’m afraid that is not the case and the world is waking up to that very, very slowly.

My experience at secondary school was horrible at times. There were some occasions when I enjoyed it but for the most part, I was pushed about, beaten up, called names like "lanky" and "Snowman" for being pale, blonde with a white puffer jacket (by kids of all races, before you make assumptions), and found it very hard to make and keep friends. One time I got my hand hurt to the point it no longer straightens properly. Another time I got pushed in front of a moving car and had my fear of nearly being run over laughed at. A particularly sweet child suggested something evil would happen to my mother.

I was happy to get out of that place but I also told myself I probably deserved it, because in primary school I’d been a nasty piece of work. At the start of that school, I befriended a kid called Anthony. By the time I finished and moved up to secondary, I had teased and belittled him for his mental capabilities, how he dressed, his cleanliness, and his attempts to continue to befriend me despite how much of an ass I was to him. I wasn’t alone in this but as an adult, I hold accountability for being a bully to someone who hadn’t deserved it. I don’t know where they are or what they do now, but I am sorry now for how I treated them then.

The problem with bullying, as I said, is that it has stuck to being a word used in playgrounds and told to teachers who seem to regard it as a buzzword rather than a call to action. While that in itself has been a big problem that as of yet still hasn’t been resolved, an equally problematic issue is that bullies grow up. Some grow out of it, the one who damaged my hand apologized, turned out pretty cool, and is still on my Facebook somewhere. Some don’t. Some get worse.

There are more facets than ever to be bullied on and more opportunities to be attacked. It could be on social media for using ill-judgment and sharing a thought or post you thought would be okay. It could be for knowing a person who isn’t popular. It could simply be because people saw you as an easy target. It could even happen if you starred in an innocent movie or sang a song that riled up the hordes of fans who wanted their vision, not yours, or that of a company or a director.

Even if you think you could be safe from social media because you aren’t on it that often or that influential, there are still plenty of places where the bad ones can find you. They could trick you into a friendship or even a relationship. I know a lot of strong people who have got themselves out of nasty situations with not-so-nice and sometimes abusive partners. I know a lot of strong people still in those situations too.

Closer still, it can come from the workplace. Bad apples, as they often like to call them, may not be as vocal about how they treat you, they may not resort to name-calling or rude gestures, but they can put you down in other ways. Refusing you the promotion you deserve, putting you on plans to ‘improve your performance’ when others feel you’re doing the same work like them, pushing you out of roles, making you feel stupid for trying your best and never meeting ‘their’ expectations… The list, I’m afraid, is endless.

Last, but not least, how close to home can you get but family. These people you trust the most and yet I’ve known people who have been treated poorly by their parents, their siblings, distant relatives, or their own children. It’s hurtful to think that the people you could not choose in your life could become cruel and unnecessarily nasty yet it can and does happen.

What is the purpose of this time? It all seems and sounds dark, doesn’t it? My purpose in sharing this is simple; to tell you that you are not alone. You don’t have to fear or be sad or angry at the world but it is okay to be because sometimes the world is the hardest hurdle to overcome. You can get help. Sometimes just reaching out to someone who does care can make the biggest change and if you’re even afraid of that, it’s okay.

If you are at rock-bottom, there are numbers to call and I’ll share a link to all of the international ones below. Additionally, my friend Dave Vickers has a wonderful little saying for rock bottom; it’s the best place to be because the only way to go now is up. My advice is to seek help from those you trust, get yourself as far from the bullies as you can, and never forget this. If you cannot see kindness in the place you are in, put your own kindness into it for those that deserve it so that somehow, more goodness can grow.  

Stay safe, stay happy.    

All good things, Love, Scaramouche. X #Blacklivesmatter

https://checkpointorg.com/global/

Also, I’ve built a new Discord server that you are welcome to join, for people who need friends and are accommodating to whom they might rub shoulders with. The Good Things Gathering Discord Server (Furries, Bronies and Kind-Hearts welcome) https://discord.gg/G6cykw

[booksxanime]

BMC Book VS Musical

I usually don’t do book reviews or long posts like this (unless it’s a rant) but I asked you guys if you’d be interested in a Be More Chill Book and Musical comparison and a lot said yes so….here it is.

Note: I could be wrong on some of these so don’t be mad if I screw this up. I’m just going to be talking about what happened in the book and how it compares to the musical (along with a few of my own comments along the way). Note that the events as I talk about them are out of order as I only wrote what I remember from the musical and I just finished the book so that’s what we’re gonna talk about. Also anything "rude" I say here is strictly my own OPINION so if I say something you don't like, I apologize. I’m rambling now so let’s just start.

“Review” under the cut.

***SPOILER WARNING in case you wanted to read the book!***

Jeremy gets the money for the squip by stealing beanie babies from his Aunt Linda (who we never see again afterwards) and selling them online instead of using money he got from his bar mitzvah.

Christine is bitchy and in both versions I never saw why Jeremy was into her.

Michael has a girlfriend (Nicole) and she is only seen once and never spoken of again. Maybe Michael would prefer a “Nick” after all (If you get the reference, props to you).

Jeremy’s mother (in my opinion) is a better parent and would be a better character to have for Jeremy than his dad. Why wasn’t she included? 

Christine Caniglia (?) Why was the last name changed?

What is up with all the sex?! I understand teen boys and their hormones but Jesus Christ! So much nudity for the girls and the boys are way more perverted than they need to be. (the characters seem a little over sexualized idk)

Jeremy ignored Michael only once in the beginning and then decided to keep him around and be friends with him (the only time he actually ignores the squip).

Jeremy can turn off the squip at any time(?)

Party doesn’t happen at Jake’s house. It happens at some random kid’s (Justin?) house instead.

Squip is discussed between Rich and Jeremy during the Halloween dance. (instead of in the boys bathroom, but location doesn’t really matter though I do now wonder what the date was if it wasn’t Halloween)

Squip makes Jeremy act obnoxious around Christine, doing weird things that inconvenience everyone.

Brooke is only there for sex and infected nipple piercing scene. (I don’t want to go into too much detail but if you read the book you know what I’m talking about). And we never see her again after that.

Jeremy tells his parents about the squip (I like it but don’t like their immediate reaction of disbelief and therapy solution. Where’s the love and support you claimed you had for your son?).

Jeremy decides not to tell Michael about the squip in the beginning. So Michael doesn’t know Jeremy even had one until the end.

Optic nerve blocking is used differently. In the musical it was used to block Michael from Jeremy’s mind cause the squip deemed him “unworthy” of being around Jeremy. In the book it’s used to block out Chloe so that Jeremy talks to a “not as pretty” girl and pretend he didn’t see Chloe sitting right next to her. (only time it’s used and it’s not as interesting)

We actually get to see what happens in the play (I like it cuz it was one of the things I wanted to see in the musical but time limits exist so it’s fine I guess) but sadly it was ruined by Jeremy confessing to Christine unnecessarily (I don’t blame her and Mr. Reyes for getting mad. If you’re going to confess to someone, pick a better time and place i.e. not when your onstage in front of three hundred people as they watch you get  brushed off) .

Jeremy doesn’t get an upgrade. It’s said that there is an upgrade (like a 4.0 version or something) but it’s most likely that Jeremy won’t get it.

Michael has a brother that got a squip so he tried to keep it from Jeremy (wish this happened in the musical cause it’s interesting).

Squip is apologetic to Jeremy after screwing him over.

When Jeremy got high (instead of drunk) the squip short circuited and started speaking Spanish (instead of Japanese) and kept calling Jeremy an idiot and was really rude to him for what happened with Chloe.

Rich and a bunch of people watching Jake have sex. (Bet you wish it were you in there, eh Rich?)

Jeremy doesn’t keep the squip a secret. The squip constantly tells Jeremy to tell someone that he’s in trouble with to tell about the squip. In the musical, the only people who knew about it were Michael and Rich.

Michael in the bathroom but for a less angsty reason (though idk if I’m happy about it).

 Squip is able to control electronics outside of Jeremy (cool but creepy plus it’s never explained why or how).

Telling Christine everything that happened from the beginning and deciding to tell in book form. (which I guess is supposed to be the book I just read. I like the idea tbh).

Rich set a fire and he burned down the house but the reasons are unknown so we just assume it was to get rid of the squip even though there was nothing Rich said or did before this point that indicated it (Literally the last Jeremy saw him, he was laying on the couch completely calm).

We never find out what happened to Rich or Jake after the fire.

Christine and Jeremy don’t get together (because we don’t get to see her reaction after the book).

Abrupt af ending. The squip decides to write book for Jeremy to give to Christine. Tells him that he needs to get rid of the squip by drinking Mountain Dew Red (which was never mentioned by anyone until this point). And Jeremy has a little note to Christine in the end and that’s it.

We never find out what happens (or happened) to anyone after all this shit went down. 

Characters that aren’t in the musical: Jeremy’s mom, Nicole, Chloe’s friends (I don’t remember their names) and Aunt Linda.

And there you have it! Feel free to add anything I might’ve missed cause I’m sure I missed a lot but I’ve done this off the top of my head in one sitting and I’m tired.

Overall if I had to choose I would definitely say I like the musical more. It just has more of a feel of what teenagers do and how the characters react with a squip. Their personalities do a complete 180 and it affects them and the people around them. And I honestly think that’s better than the book where the characters are pretty much the same person with just fancy phrases, more sex, drugs, and girls around them plus wardrobe change.  

[idekwidcfo]

party time? a.k.a. “worse” version chapter 4

or maybe 3... I didn’t keep track very well... 

As I predicted, my dad was almost joyous at my request to go to a normal teenager parents-are-out-of-town party. He teased me, which I didn’t love, but he also gave me explicit permission to go and encouraged me to have fun. I hadn’t actually told him that my activities last night had been a date, but when he told me to bring a condom or dental dam or “whatever it is you people use” I felt it was better that he knew. 

“I’m actually going as a second date with this girl I like from school,” I told him, very pointedly not looking up from the homework I was pretending to do. 

I tried to stay focused on my math questions but as the seconds ticked past, his lack of a response became impossible to ignore. I found myself looking up from my homework despite the fact the only reason I had homework out was to give me an excuse not to look at him. He was just staring at me thoughtfully. The seconds continued to stretch out, long enough that I almost stopped feeling awkward. He finally nodded his head in obvious approval. “Good for you, kiddo. If you two are serious about things I’d like to meet her sometime.” 

I felt blood rush to my cheeks and wished that blushing wasn’t so obvious. “Oh, I don’t think that’s necessary, we just went out for the first time last night.” 

He got up and walked over to the fridge, grabbing a beer and cracking it. I tried to hold back my frown, but Christ, it was only about 10am. “You’re on two dates in two days? That sounds at least a little bit serious.” 

“Well, I’m not really even sure this counts as a date. We ran into a friend of hers at the show and he invited us. She said she’d go with or without me, but I figured you wouldn’t mind me getting out of the house.” 

He shrugged. “Well, if you take her on a third date I hope you’ll consider bringing her home. I’d give the two of you privacy if you wanted to hang out in your room and fool around.” 

I felt my face flush again. “Dad, that’s really not necessary.” 

“I know it’s not necessary but I also know teenagers are fucken horny and I’d rather have you foolin’ around downstairs where you’re safe and not gonna get a public indecency charge or banned from the local theater or whatever than have you goin’ out and doin’ it weird places and feelin’ like you can’t come talk to me if the condom breaks. Oh, I guess that wouldn’t be a problem for you, huh? Lucky kid-- no preggo scares for you! You’d still want to get tested for chlamydia and stuff, I suppose.” 

I wondered if my face would stay red permanently at this point. “Okay,” I conceded. “Thank you. I’ll talk to her about it and see if she is interested.” 

“That sounds good. Also, I know this is hypocritical coming from me, but make sure that after this party you’ve either got a place to crash or a ride home. I don’t need you taking after your old dad here and getting a DUI. Call me if nothin’ else, I’ll be good and drunk by then but better my experienced ass drives drunk than your inexperienced ass drives drunk and ends up wrapping you and this little lady around a tree and then you’re either dead or in the hospital with a bunch of medical bills and either way there goes my weekend.” 

I cracked a smile at his bad, dark joke, but I hated that he had just made such a good point such a stupid way. His grammar especially irked me. Sometimes it seemed like he was in a neverending competition with himself to see how long he could extend a run-on sentence. But he had a point that I hadn’t considered. I was not about to drive drunk. Ever. I hoped to die of old age having never driven drunk in my life. But I hadn’t thought about getting home. I had pretty much stopped planning at ‘go to party with Mar’. “Yeah, thanks,” I told him. “I’ll make sure we have that taken care of before we leave. In fact, I’m gonna go down to my room and message her about it now,” I said, excusing myself from the table. 

And I did just that. I logged onto AIM, hoping that Mar was online. To my relief, she was. 

Cows_IV: hey! Glad to catch you on. Got permission from my dad as expected but he brought up a good point of how do we get home? 

Mar didn’t respond for a bit, and I was worried that she was actually away from her keyboard despite her username showing up as “online now!” I opened MySpace and caught up on some of my other friends’ new photos and bulletins and whatnot, considering whether or not to also send her a text. Before I could make up my mind, however, I got a response on AIM. 

OHSHITITSMAR: hey! What do you mean? 

Cows_IV: I mean, like, I wanna drink and have a good time, but I don’t wnat to drink and drive. Do you know if we’ll be able to crash there? 

OHSHITITSMAR: oh! duh! You’ve never been to one of Derek’s parties! Yeah, he always has somewhere for people to crash. His dad has like a million couches for some reason. 

Cows_IV: oh cool! Perfect lol

Cows_IV: ummmmmmm 

Cows_IV: also my dad wants me to consider bringing you home so you can meet him. 

OHSHITITSMAR: ummmm ok. Why not lol 

Cows_IV: because he’s an alcoholic and will probably embarass me, but he did say we could have some privacy in my room. 

OHSHITITSMAR: well, privacy in your room sounds nice and I don’t mind alcoholics lol 

Cows_IV: cool lol so maybe like, next week you come over here after school? 

OHSHITITSMAR: well, I was kinda hoping you’d want to go to Electric Avenue again next Friday. They have a show nearly every week. 

Cows_IV: That works. We can come home and let my dad make us dinner, then go to the show afterwards. If that’s ok with you. 

OHSHITITSMAR: htat is okaby with me! 

Cows_IV: haha cool 

Cows_IV: I guess he sort of also brought up something else that I should figure out with you… 

Cows_IV: is this already our second date, or are we just two buds going to a party? 

OHSHITITSMAR: whatever you want. you need to be more assertive about what you want lol 

Oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, that message stung. I knew that, of course I did, but it was hard. 

Luckily for me, it was easier to be brave from behind a keyboard. 

Cows_IV: noted. thanks. Constructive criticism. I can take it. 

Cows_IV: so on that note, if you’re counting tonight as a second date and we already have plans for a third date next Friday, I feel like one could argue that we are, in fact, date-ing, no? 

Cows_IV: so in conclusion, would you like to like oifficially like be my girlfriend or whatever? 

I typed the last sentence with my eyes closed and hit send before I could start to second-guess myself. I then immediately clicked back over to MySpace so that I would have something to do besides sitting there waiting for the “OHSHITITSMAR is typing…” notification to change to her response. Billie had posted a new photo of herself that was really flattering. I decided to write a detailed complimentary comment, mostly to take my mind off of waiting for Mar’s response. I was still working on it when my conversation with Mar started flashing, informing me that there was a new message. I took a deep breath and switched back to that window. 

OHSHITITSMAR: good for you! That’s what I call being assetive about what you want! I’d be down to officially be your girlfriend, athough i think i should let you know that part of me worries we’re jumping into things kinda fast? We just started actually talking like les than two weeks ago lol 

Cows_IV: I’m sorry but I have no idea what that means. So you will be my girlfriend but watch out we might be moving too fast? 

This time I just stayed in the window where our chat was and waited until “OHSHITITSMAR is typing…” turned into a message. 

OHSHITITSMAR: okay i see why that might not make a lot of sense. Sorry. So like, I like you, and I like haging out with you, but I feel like we’re still getting to know each other really. So like. If I don’t want to continue seeing you in a few weeks just cuz it like fizzles out and I realize I only like you as a friend I don’t really want it to be like a big serious thing. 

Well fuck that. I mean, I did kind of see where she was coming from, but fuck that. I wasn’t even sure what “that” I was addressing a “fuck” towards, but the short phrase summed up how I felt after reading her message. 

I couldn’t even begin to think of what I could or should say to that, so I decided to just wait for a bit. I finished up my comment on Billie’s new MySpace photo and posted it. I went upstairs to use the restroom and grab a pop. 

It didn’t help. What did someone say to that? It felt shitty. I guessed she was being like, careful or responsible or whatever, but it had hurt. 

The thing that hurt the most is that I knew I was absolutely crazy about her, and if she didn’t feel the same way, it was like… I didn’t know what it was like. I couldn’t think of a poignant enough simile or metaphor. The most accurate phrase to come to mind was simply, “incredibly disappointing”. I was also a bit angry. I had just asked her out! She had said yes! But instead of celebrating and congratulating myself, I was upset because she said she might not actually like me like that. 

I finally steeled myself for reading whether or not she had messaged me while I got myself a pop and emptied my bladder, and if so, what she had said. It turned out there were a few messages, and as I read them getting defensive clashed with feeling bad about having just left during a rather serious chat. 

OHSHITITSMAR: soooo you’re just not going to say anything to that? 

OHSHITITSMAR: look even if you just went to the bathrroom or something it’s kinda rude to just not say anything for five minutes after I said that. 

OHSHITITSMAR: are you gonna act mature and respond tyo me or are we just never gonna talk again now? 

OHSHITITSMAR: by the way in the fufute asking if someone wants to be your firlfriend “or whatever” isn’t a good move. the “or whatever” si so unnecessarily flippant. do you actually want me to be your fgirlfriend or is it just ‘whatever’?? 

I felt really shitty about myself. It won out over the defensiveness. She was right, I should have at least said, “okay”, or “give me time to think about how to respond”, or even “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and grab a pop brb.” I started typing something in another window, because I didn’t want her to see the “Cows_IV is typing…” message, but then she sent another message about me not saying anything. 

OHSHITITSMAR: you know it’s been ten minutes now since you’ve said anything? Can you please just respond to me? 

Cows_IV: sorry that was shitty of me, please hold for a better response. 

I continued to compose my better response in another window, even though it was obvious to Mar at this point that I had seen her messages. She didn’t say anything. I felt relieved that I was able to take my time on my response, but also disappointed that she didn’t have anything else to say. Finally, after editing it three or ten times, I was ready to send her the paragraph I had written. 

Cows_IV: It was immature of me to leave. I grabbed a pop and used the bathroom but I was also really disappointed and I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I totally admit that was shitty of me. I’m just kind of hurt, I guess. I really like you and it sounds like you’re saying you’re not actually sure if you like me. Also it was really dumb of me to say ‘or whatever’, I should have just been straightforward and asked if you’d like to be my girlfriend. I typed that and hit send as soon as possible so I couldn’t pussy out, but that’s not an excuse for me being so flippant while asking you to be my girlfriend. You were being honest with me, which I appreciate even if it hurt. I’d like to be your boyfriend and continue going on dates even if it does mean we break up in a month because you realize you don’t actually like me as more than a friend. I’m not going to lie and say that I won’t be hurt and upset if that happens, but I appreciate the headsup that it could. 

I copy and pasted the paragraph into our chat window and hit send. I felt a little better. Worrying over a response and landing on something that was both apologetic and understanding felt really mature. Feeling mature sure felt better than feeling defensive, upset, and angry. I zoned out for a bit, staring through the computer screen out into space, waiting for Mar to respond. I zoned back in when I distantly noticed there were more words for me to read. 

OHSHITITSMAR: ok, thanks for the apology. you drove me a little crazy just not saying anything for over ten minutes!! I do like you, I’m just worried I don’t really know you. How deep of a dive have we really gotten into with each other in only two weeks, you know? 

OHSHITITSMAR: And it goes both ways! 

OHSHITITSMAR: You might think you like me but you don’t really know me yet, and I’m like afriad that you won’tnlike me iuf you get to know me better so. 

OHSHITITSMAR: There’s tjat. 

OHSHITITSMAR: I guess I’m a little afraid. Of like. Getting close to someone. So. Thanks for being understanding and I am sorry if I did hurt your feelings. 

Cows_IV: glad we got through this pretty okay haha. Was it our first fight? Before we were even official? 

OHSHITITSMAR: no, it was our first fight after we became official, I said yes before we had that heavy convo lol. but people fight, I think it depends more on how they handle it than whterh or not they fight at all you know? And we did do good :) 

Cows_IV: yeah that’s a good point. So just to be clear, you are my girlfriend now? 

OHSHITITSMAR: yes, boyfriend, you and I are now a couple :) 

Cows_IV: wow! Lucky me :D 

OHSHITITSMAR: yes. But unlucky for you, I have to go grocery shopping since my mom’s too busy working one of her three jobs to do it. Whoo hoo being poor [eye rolling emoji]. I’ll see you here at 7 so you can take me to Derek’s party? 

Cows_IV: oh, that does suck. Are you walking there? I could come help you with my car. 

OHSHITITSMAR: hey now I don’t want to get sick of you. enjoy your Saturday afternoon and don’t worry about me or my grocery shopping. See you, what, at 6:52pm on the dot? 

Cows_IV: [laughing emoji] you’ve got me figured out. don’t hesitate to call me if you change your mind! I’m not doing anything but relaxing until I leave for your place at 6:39 on the dot :P 

OHSHITITSMAR: okay… I won’t but okay. See you at 6:52! 

OHSHITITSMAR is now offline. 

[dirtycrawfish337]

1-99

1. 6 songs I listen to most? Currently it's been lick by cardi b, rainbow and praying by kesha, grown ass kid by chance, big b's by young thug n chance, and like all of sza's album bc I'm still obsessed w it??2. If I could meet anyone who would it be?Oh no there are so many angels I wanna meet I can't even pick one3. Find book nearest to me pg 23, line 17?I'm sorry I'm in bed n not in reaching distance of one lmao4. What do you think about most?Probably my future5. Latest text from someone else?"WHAT"6. Sleep w or w/o clothes?Depends on how I'm feeling tbh7. Strangest talent?Turning trauma into biting sarcasm lmfao8. Girls? Boys?Girls? AMAZING Boys? Also amazing, but y'all loud lol9. Ever had a poem or song or written about me?I know of 2 poems written ab me10. Last time I played air guitar?Not sure11. Any strange phobias?Clowns and like slimy food?? Idk if those are strange but ik they make me cringe12. Ever stuck a foreign object up my nose?No, I was an advanced toddler13. Religion?Nothing concrete currently but I'm very interested in Buddhism14. If outside, what are you most likely doing?Either w friends or my dog15. Prefer to be behind the camera or in front?Behind16. Favorite band?Florence + the machine17. Last lie you told?I'm waking up at 718. Believe in karma?Definitely19. URL meaning?Lol one of my old friends came up w it and it's basically just ab loving where I'm from I guess20. Greatness weakness/strength?Taking care of everyone else before me lol21. Celebrity crush?TOO MANY22. Ever gone skinny dipping?No23. How do I vent my anger?I usually just needa rant for like 20 min straight then I don't care lol24. Own a collection?I probably have an unreasonable amount of things associated w marching band in my room25. Talking on the phone or online video chatting?Talking on the phone26. Happy w the person you've become?She's def still learning but so much better than where she used to be so yes 27. Sound I hate/love?Any type of metal scratching against another metal and I love hearing dogs run up to me28. Biggest what if?I guess if I had moved away for college? How different I may be rn? All the different ppl who may be in my life rn? 29. Believe in ghosts/aliens?Yes30. Stick your right arm out, what do you touch? Left?Right: My bedside fan. Left: The wall31. What do you smell in the air?Coffee32. Worst place I've ever been to?Probably a court house33. East or west coast?West for the culture34. Most attractive singer of opposite sex?Let's go w either miguel or frank ocean35. Meaning of life in your opinion?Doing what makes you happy for as long as you can while you're here bc at the end of it that's what you'll want, knowing you found peace and happiness for/within yourself, in my opinion36. Define artYour own creativity that makes your soul just feel right ya know? And it comes in all different forms37. Believe in luck?Eh, somewhat38. What's the weather like rn?Hot n sunny39. Time?7:54 AM40. Drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Yes and yes41. Last book you read?Not sure which one but I'm almost positive it was Mary Higgins Clark and if not it was a text book lol42. Like the smell of gasoline?Not at all43. Have any nicknames?Aimster by my parents and a few friends lol44. Last film you saw?To the bone (should prolly finish it)45. Worst injury?I've had a few bad scrapes n cuts nothing really major unless a few bad illnesses count46. Ever caught a butterfly?No but I need one to catch me47. Any obsessions rn?Just coming off of an obsession w the show ozark48. Sexual orientation?Bisexual49. Ever had a rumor spread about you?Many lol50. Believe in magic?Somewhat51. Tend to hold grudges?No I find it best to let that hurt GO52. Astrological sign?Pisces53. Save money or spend it?I wanna say save but my bank account know I'm lying54. Last thing I purchased?Soup, crackers, ice cream, n candy bars (im sick lol)55. Love or lust?Yikes that's a tough one. Both are very good but can be dangerous56. In a relationship?No57. How many relationships have you had?Real ones? Just one. I had at least 4 situationships we're just not gonna talk about lol58. Can you touch your nose w your tongue?I actually can't lol59. Where were you yesterday?The doctor, a pharmacy, popeyes, a store, and my bed mostly60. Anything pink within 10 ft of me?Yah my phone charger61. Wearing socks?Not rn62. Favorite animal?SHARKS 63. Secret weapon to get someone to like you????? Let u know when I find it??64. Where is your best friend?Prolly sleeping65. Top 5 blogs on here?I'm not sure of all of them but def check pelvicthruster and my-secret-life-as-ren for some bomb ones66. My heritage?Black??67. What was I doing at midnight last night?What I do best, sleeping68. What do you think is Satan's last name?Idk omg69. Biggest turn ons?Pretty teeth!! Being nice to me!! Slow kissing!! Neck kisses!! 70. Are you the friend of a friend you'd hope to have?Hopefully, I consider myself a pretty good friend71. There's a dog drowning on my way to work but if I'm late again I'll be fired, what do I do?Save the dog and get away from a heartless boss if they fire me after that tf??72. If given one month to live would I tell anyone n everyone, what would I do w my remaining days, and would I be afraid?Probably only close friends and family, I would want to travel any and everywhere until I couldn't anymore, and I'd be scared of all the unanswered questions ab death but I think I would have to sooner rather than later accept that I can't change what's happening and just live out my fullest life73. Can either have trust or love? Which one?Trust. In my opinion love can't exist w/o trust so74. A song that always makes me happy when I hear it?Too many omg I just rly love music75. Last 4 digits of my number?4061??76. What makes a great relationship?Trust, honesty, attraction, healthy actions from both partners, and NEVER stop doing the little things. So many relationships go to shit bc one or both stopped cherishing the other person in the relationship77. How can I win your heart?Animals!! Good music!! Genuine company!!78. Can insanity bring on more creativity?I think it can in theory, but it doesn't mean you have to be some kind of mad scientist or in an unhealthy mindset to have creativity79. Single best decision I've made in my life?Letting go of people who are no longer good for me or vice versa. Holding onto that hurt does nothing but drag you down80. What do you want written on your tombstone?I actually have a thing w quotes, meaning I have so many I LOVE, I wouldn't even know where to start81. Shoe size?10 (Switch 80 and 81 I mixed up the numbers)82. Favorite word?TOO MANY83. First thing that comes to mind hearing the word heart?Passion84. A saying you say a lot?"It be like that" (probably what's gonna actually end up on my tombstone)85. Last song I listened to?I think it was caretaker by dram and sza86. Favorite color(s)?Blue and gray87. Current desktop picture?I don't have a computer anymore so :/88. If you could press a button, making anyone explode, who would it be?There's a lotta ignorance I wanna get rid of in this world but I don't even think I could explode anyone lol89. A question you'd be scared to tell the truth on?And expose myself..I think not lmao90. Turn offs?I really don't line unnecessarily rude/mean people or anyone who speaks to you as if they're superior91. If I ate a vegetable that gave me superpowers what would it be?Hopefully mental stability tbh92. Where are your parents from?My dad's from Vackaville, California and my mom's from Abbeville, Louisiana93. If I could erase any horrible experience from my past what would it be?I could definitely get rid of a lot of painful things but I feel like I could also be a drastically different person94. Opportunity to sleep w a music celebrity of my choice, who('