#but also because Danial would NEVER say fuck

[puella-peanut]

Random Lakreese thoughts since I reread your cute little fic of the two of them bickering, I love how they refer to each other by their last names when they're fighting even though this is a totally different au. Lol.

John thinks of Daniel as a kitten a lot, I wonder if he ever calls him that in bed?

An as of untouched trope we're sleeping on- uniform kink.

I wonder what Lucille's reaction was to her little sunshine boy settling down with a man like that. If at first she was shocked by the age difference and didn't think John was worthy of Daniel, thinking he was just a grumpy old man.

Random Lakreese thoughts since I reread your cute little fic of the two of them bickering, I love how they refer to each other by their last names when they're fighting even though this is a totally different au. Lol.

So, they're not married in the original ficlet (only because it's the 90s, and gay marriage has not been legalized yet) but...

If they are married, it’s just their snippy little way of reminding the other that their hyphenated, shared surname can go back to being just their own respective surname if the other isn’t careful! 

“Yeah? Well I think I like the sound of LaRusso better than LaRusso-Kreese anyway! So there!” *Angry little pout*

“Fine with me. And it is, or was—Kreese-LaRusso, kid.” *Brooding intensifies.*

If not, they’re just being shits to each other. 

John thinks of Daniel as a kitten a lot, I wonder if he ever calls him that in bed? 

I am so partial to Prima Donna being John’s petname of choice for Daniel—especially if it starts off as something condescending (like in KK1), and then evolves over time into a term of total, if teasing, endearment. Like here. 

As for kitten...

So, John’s so not a cat person, in fact, he dislikes them, cold-hearted little bastards that they are. If anything, he’s fine with dogs—big ones, powerful ones, strong and useful ones like Rottweilers and Cane Corsos, etc. (Disclaimer: Daniel loves all dogs, huge and tiny and in-between with an unholy passion. Yes, even Chihuahuas!). Moving on, John is also rather partial to reptiles. Snakes, especially...heh.

But, like you said, he does think of Daniel being kitten-like a lot. After all, the boy is small and fussy, always in-and-out of trouble; loves snuggles and cuddles and being petted. He curls up just like a kitten would on a chair, or a cushion, or against John himself—which is something John looks forward to after a long day at work. (Not that he’ll say that outloud.) Also: Daniel is agile and quick on his feet, light, skittish, and surprisingly graceful. He laps up affection and tenderness like a kitten would milk. He sits where he pleases—the countertop, the ladder outside, the hood of his their cars. Plops himself onto John’s lap whenever he feels like it, and plays with his chest hair like a kitten would a ball of yarn. And he is very cute in the morning, when his hair is all tousled, and he’s curled up in John’s arms, warm and soft and pliant, and mumbling, still more than half-asleep, just five more minutes, John...

(No, Daniel is the only “cat” John tolerates, aka—can’t live without.)

Anyway, John’s not huge on nicknames (or more than one petname, that's excessive) and besides, Daniel is a perfectly reasonable name. He most certainly doesn’t call him Danny, or sweetheart, or darling (that’s for Silverusso land), but if he’s gotta have one, then Prima Donna is his go-to, especially when Daniel is being...just that. 

He does occasionally call Danial a kitten, but only in the bedroom. John can’t help it—the little mewls of pleasure Daniel makes when John has him at his mercy, the higher-pitched sighs and cries, the tiny nips on his skin, and nail-shaped-scratches he leaves on John’s body, especially his back. The way his pupils dilate in his haze of lust, swallowing up the brown as if it never was. Then those soft little purrs of contentment in John’s arms after he’s been fucked good. And his eyes, always so large and pretty, turned all soft and glassy when he looks up at John under his lashes afterwards with a lazy smile. 

Oh, he’s a kitten all right. John’s very own, adorable little pet.

(And if John came home one day to find Daniel in a simple collar, or maybe a red satin ribbon with a little bell at his throat—well! Well, well, well.)

An as of untouched trope we're sleeping on- uniform kink.  

Mm, Top Gun AU anyone? An Officer and a Gentleman AU? 

John has...preferences, but, bless him, he either doesn't know or care about kinks. He likes what he likes, and does what he likes and that's it. He's anything but fuss and feathers, and while he's Very Good in the bedroom, it's without added effects. Daniel's gotta provide that if he wants to add a bit more fun to the (admittedly great) sexytimes.

I can totally see Daniel having a thing for John in uniform. Getting John to wear it and roleplay is the hard part, he’s such a deliberate, un-imaginative, serious man and not showy. Maybe Daniel can drop a few choice words when things start getting hot like “soldier boy”, “Captain”...maybe act like a distressed, helpless civilian in need of rescuing or something from this rugged army man. Acts of service is John’s love language after all, and calling him Captain is definitely a huge turn on for him. Just keep pushing John slowly in that direction Daniel, and you’ll probably succeed in getting him to rail you good in his military best. Or like, just up the brat factor for an attitude reset delivered by your favorite Captain via prostrate. 

(Anyway, before they officially get together, Daniel probably comes across Kreese’s military pictures, takes one look at this strapping, macho man in uniform and...)

Daniel: Drop everything and rail me now while wearing this.

John: ?

Daniel: ...Please, Captain.

John: !

I wonder what Lucille's reaction was to her little sunshine boy settling down with a man like that. If at first she was shocked by the age difference and didn't think John was worthy of Daniel, thinking he was just a grumpy old man. 

Well damn, you’re the third person who has deposited something along these lines in my inbox after I wrote the ficlet—clearly I need to write something about this too! :3

Thanks for the ask! :D

[glitched-lullaby]

“What are walls?” -Danial

Was talking to my friend @cal-is-a-cuddlefish​ about our upcoming D&D session yesterday in group chat, and to cut a long explination short, a few of us were joking about going to incomplete maps before we were allowed to... which inspired this.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update

hello friends, welcome to the second reading update of 2022 (last month's can be found here). I don't have anything fun or clever to say to hype this up, there's a lot of bad shit right now and we're probably all tired. whatever. here's a bulleted list.

My Body (Emily Ratajkowski, 2021)

I've been looking forward to this memoir since Ratajkowski published the essay 'Buying Myself Back' in 2020, sharing the story of a photographer who assaulted her early in her modeling career and has proceeded to profit for years by selling the naked pictures he took of her during their shoot. Ratajkowski's voice made me think of a butterfly caught behind glass, still unsure if it's proud or mortified to find itself there. her storytelling is deft, observant, melancholic without ever becoming bloated by misery. Ratajkowski is, as the title would suggest, rather obsessed with her body, but never becomes tiresome. she's always finding a new stone to turn over: familial pressure to enter the modeling industry as a child, the disconnect she feels from her own body after years of being treated like a product, the frustration of trying to disentangle herself from the industry when the sparkle finally wore off, the sensation of her son growing inside of her.

I've seen a fair amount of critique that Ratajkowski's book doesn't do enough to acknowledge the privilege she holds or the role she plays in enforcing harmful beauty standards; if this is the case, it seems that it's only because Ratajkowski is still struggling with how to make sense of those issues herself. on every level she is clearly intimately, painfully aware of how damaging her industry has been, to her and countless other women who have tried to find success within it. it feels like she has a lot more to say, and I sincerely hope she does - I'll eagerly show up for anything she puts out, whether it's more non-fiction or (if I'm lucky) it turns out she has a novel in her.

Terminal Boredom (Izumi Suzuki, 2021. translated by Polly Barton, Sam Bett, David Boyd, Danial Joseph, Aiko Masubuchi, and Helen O'Horan)

I'll be upfront and say that I knew and still know relatively little about Suzuki except that she wrote these stories in the 1970s and 80s before committing suicide in 1986. that makes the titular story, the last in the collection, particularly striking: a world in which disaffected, unemployed young people go numb watching tv and videos all day, too perpetually exhausted to even have sex, seeking an emotional response from watching recordings of violent assault and suicides? if it was published today it would deservedly draw a lot of "okay, boomer" responses, but as a piece written three decades prior it feels as prophetic as Octavia Butler's Parable duology.

I did struggle with some parts of this collection, since I'm a dumbass who frequently has no idea what's going on in short stories, but it also felt worth the work on nearly every page. there are complex ideas about gender, sexuality, and intimacy on nearly every page, which are fascinating to grapple with even when you don't know what the fuck is going on. 'Night Picnic' executes a reveal that lets it fall seamlessly into the category of "sci-fi short story that makes you just sit there and stare at the wall for a while," and 'Forgotten,' the lengthiest of the stores, is a deliberately muddled, devastating shaggy dog story that gutted me with its final paragraph.

The Right to Sex: Feminism in the Twenty-First Century (Amia Srinivasan, 2021)

I added this to my TBR after reading Srinivasan's titular essay, which I found sharp and challenging in all the right ways, and the collection absolutely did not disappoint. Srinivasan asks hard questions about shifting cultural ideas about sex and consent, approaching thorny topics with philosophical precision and always keeping a sharp eye on who is being left to fall through the cracks. more often than not it's those who are already marginalized to begin with, and Srinivasan firmly draws the reader's attention there: to Black women presumed more sexual and less pure than white counterparts, to Black men victimized by white women making claims of sexual impropriety against them, to low caste Indian women whose rapes go unremarked while higher caste women are mourned by millions.

one of the brightest points of the book is how clearly Srinivasan is able to express complex ideas about gender and justice without getting lost in the density of academic jargon. as much as I'm valuing reading Gender Trouble, it's really nice to open a nonfiction book and just understand what the fuck is being said on one read. I'd recommend this, honestly, to anyone with any level of interest in feminism and/or sexual justice.

Never Have I Ever (Isabel Yap, 2021)

I know it's not even March yet, but Never Have I Ever is already a STRONG contender for my favorite short story collection that I'll read all year. usually when I go into a book of short stories I'm braced for at least one absolute dud, but with Yap it never came. I couldn't readily pick a low point if you asked me to; each story offers a curious fusion of queerness and Filipino storytelling and my favorite short story trope of all, women and girls having a truly fucked up time.

The finale piece, 'Canticle for Lost Girls,' was an impressive end to the collection, but my personal favorite has to be 'How to Swallow the Moon.' at risk of sounding bitchy by making comparisons, this story is really what I was hoping to get from The Jasmine Throne in terms of a speculative fiction sheltered girl/protector girl romance - and it didn't even need 400+ pages to do it.

The Monster Baru Cormorant (Seth Dickinson, 2018)

okay, yes, I waited over a year after reading The Traitor Baru Cormorant to get to the sequel. that probably isn't the soundest strategy with big complicated political fantasies, and I will admit that I spent the first few chapters scrambling to remember what the fuck all of these made-up names and locations were supposed to make me feel and how much of this information I was already meant to know. lesson learned, I will definitely (try to) read the trilogy's conclusion in the next 365 days instead of waiting over a full calendar year.

anyway HAVING SAID THAT - god, the Baru Cormorant books fuck so hard. Baru's having an absolutely terrible time on the cruise from hell and I loved every second of it. I cannot begin to imagine how Dickinson put together a story so complicated and multiply layered, but I am in awe. Tau-indi Bosoka is simply perfection and I would die for them. Shao Lune is such a cunt and I love her so much. cannot wait to see how much more Baru will fuck up in the last book; I literally cannot imagine a scenario in which this ends well for her. bring on the suffering!

[joon-bugs]

Saturday Nights

~Hi long time no see (this is Jo by the way) so I’m HELLA busy with school and such and this story might have been done for like two months and never thought to post it BUT I hope all my fellow wild kards like this BM story (ALSO all my stray kids lovers I got a Hyunjin story in the process but don’t wait up bc I might fuck around and not post it till June lol)~

Word count: 5000+

Pairing: BM (KARD)

Genre: uhhhh romanceangstsmut? Best friends turned lovers

Warnings: swearing, nipple play, oral f receiving, sex

“He was the only boy who could break you out of your shell, the only one you’d allow to play matchmaker out of all of your friends because he knew you better than anyone. Now your friendship had to thrive off of video calls, text messages, and social media. It had been quite a long time since he came home. But the boy you missed with every inch of your body was back from the place where he went to follow his dreams. He couldn't let his potential go to waste..and you wouldn't let him.”

~Hi there, I’m back so there’s a soundtrack to this story if you want to listen to the song while reading I’m going to insert them as you read (bolded and italicized)~

Saturday Nights- Khalid

The golden sunset was comfortably nestled into the trees lying before you. Another cloud of sour smoke billowed in and out of your lungs, as you passed the blunt to your best friend. He was finally back home. When you were little he’d always force you into two-person dance competitions and freestyle battles, although you were nowhere near a rapper, and dragged you to musical auditions and even the school dance.  

He was the only boy who could break you out of your shell, the only one you’d allow to play matchmaker out of all of your friends because he knew you better than anyone. Now your friendship had to thrive off of video calls, text messages, and social media. It had been quite a long time since he came home. But the boy you missed with every inch of your body was back from the place where he went to follow his dreams. He couldn't let his potential go to waste..and you wouldn't let him.       It was 2010 when he told you he finally decided to move. You thought he meant downtown LA, not South Korea. Trying to stop him wasn’t an option. When his mind was set it was set. The only regret you had was not following him when he gave you the option. He had plans of conquering the streets of Seoul with his best friend, that best friend being you. He suggested you could transfer to Kyung Hee University while he became a trainee. He even presented you with informational pamphlets and offered to pay half of your plane ticket. His persevering attitude ate away at you for weeks, you couldn’t blame him you’ve gone everywhere together since you were in diapers. Telling him no was the hardest thing you had done. You knew how bad he wanted this for you two, he was so determined to bring you along. But alas the king kard was back in the driver's seat of your old Jeep and at your favorite place. The lack of doors and the cloth top let the warm summer breeze take the smoke away. “What are thinking about Y/N,” Matthew asked you, his voice deep and smooth like a cup of French roast. “Just about how much of a hard working badass you are.” You said, exhaling smoke and passing the blunt. “This could be us but you’re playing.” He sang in response, using your hand as a microphone before grabbing the blunt. “Matthew you know why I didn't go with you.” The now red sun graced your face and you took your phone out to try to capture the moment. “Because this was something I had to do for myself and you needed to find your way here.” He mocked you using his fingers as quotation marks, the blunt still dangling in his right hand. “Don’t mock me, Kim, I happen to be extremely happy managing LACMA.” “Y/N you shouldn’t be managing it your art should be in it, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy kid.” The fond smile that split his cheeks made you follow behind him. His smiles could instantly make you happy, you loved that about him. It reminded you of the smile he had when he told you he was finally going to ask out the girl from his dance studio and how you went back to your aunt’s house later that day and cried for hours because you finally worked up the courage to tell him how you felt and now he’s fawning over some other girl. Luckily you weren’t still in love with him... well you didn’t think you were. Honesty- Pink Sweat$

“Matthew, what's your biggest fear?” “Not trying hard enough and you know… the dark. What about you?” “Loving someone and they don't reciprocate it.” You attempted to answer him nonchalantly while lighting another blunt. The taste of weed and blueberry from the cigarillo wrapper danced in your lungs before you exhaled. “There are so many people that love you. I mean what’s there not to love? Relationship wise just be patient.” Damn, you could say the same thing about him especially the ‘what’s there not to love part’ what did he mean by that? The familiar flutter in your stomach that you learned to ignore resurfaced. Everything you noticed about the way he’d grown just added more things to your list. The more you added the deeper you fell. “You’re not scared of falling too deep and the person you love doesn’t… it’s just I don’t even know it's scary.”  

It’s quiet, you could tell what you had just said changed the atmosphere. With the two of you staring at the freshly changed night sky above you. The last time you were alone here together, Matthew was telling you goodbye as you cried into his chest. If he had known that you were crying because you were afraid to lose him, that you regret not saying something instead of crying just because you'll miss him things would probably be much different now. This shift didn’t necessarily feel bad your feelings definitely resurfaced. Maybe you’d tell him tonight. Matthew’s hand lazily landed on your knee as he studied the sky as if the answer was written in the stars.

“Thinking about it too much is all wrong, love happens on its own time.” You couldn’t tell if it was hopeful thinking or if you were making a mistake bringing this up. Maybe your high was making you blind right now, or there really was no doubt in your mind that you were going to tell him tonight. You reached for his hand, gripping it tight in your small one, hoping he wouldn’t pull away. You took your eyes off the sky and looked down to where you two are connected. Out the corner of your eye, you saw a smile dancing at his lips. Now’s the time, this is the time to finally tell him. One step towards Matthew, or maybe one away from your best friend. “Do you remember Alessandra from the dance studio?” You asked him, shattering the silence. “Yeah that girl was crazy I was so far gone for that girl I didn't even notice.” “I remember when you told me you were going to ask her out. You were so excited.” You threw the roach out of the jeep into the red gravel beneath the car. “You should’ve stopped my blind ass.” Little did he know. “You right… I should have.” Your eyes were now focused on scenery. You and Matthew ’s place was a cliff overlooking the city.

“Believe me I wanted to.” You mumbled the last part under your breath hoping he wouldn’t hear you. You tried to play it off by grabbing his Crooks and Castles hoodie from the back seat, putting it on and placing your hand back where it was. “What do you mean Y/N? You keeping secrets?” He asked you, never letting anything go unnoticed. He flipped his hand and interlocked your fingers with his. “After you told me about her I drove back to my aunt’s house and cried for hours because she finally convinced me to tell you I liked you. Shit, I still do...  honestly I never stopped. I’m sorry if me saying this makes you feel weird, I’m sorry if I’m fucking us up but I just can’t keep ignoring the fact that I want more.” You could feel him looking at but you couldn’t quite read his expression without looking at him which was the very thing you didn't want to do. Your already red eyes began to water afraid of what he might say or how he might react. You had a little hope because his hand was still tangled with yours.

Get You- Danial Caesar ft. Kali Uchis “Really?” You closed your eyes to keep yourself from seeing his reaction, your first tear falling down your cheek. “I mean, yeah, I’ve dated a few guys but they never made me feel the way you do. And that’s coming from you just treating me as your best friend and I tried to ignore it so I wouldn’t mess us up but I just can’t anymore.” You threw your head back in distress, you now had a steady flow of tears. “Hey hey hey look at me. You’re fine it’s just me.” He said, and trying to calm you he pulled your hand up to his mouth and pushed gentle kisses into the back of it. “I know I’m just scared. I’ve been scared.” “Is that why you brought the fear thing up because you were afraid I wouldn’t love you back?” “Do you know how terrifying it is to be in love with your best friend? Fear has consumed me ever since you left. I didn’t want to lose you. I was afraid that you’d go over there fall in love with an idol and I’d have to show up to your wedding like I was fine. But I settled for friendship because I knew it was better to have that than nothing at all. But now I’m here looking like an idiot and confessing my love like a fucking Nicholas Sparks movie.” You wiped your face with the sleeve of his hoodie. “C’mere.” He replied, hopping out of the jeep and walking to the front, before sitting on the bumper. You followed him, standing sheepishly in front of him, his tall figure making you feel small. He pulled you in between his legs by the pockets of your hoodie and enveloped you in a hug. “Don’t ever worry about losing me.” He put his index finger under your chin so that you had to look up at him. “I’ve been about you and I always will be.” The sincerity in his voice comforted you. You finally looked in his eyes you could tell he was serious and it wasn’t his intoxication talking. His eyes flickered between your glossy eyes and your lips, his own hovering above yours. You felt the hesitation between the two of you, unable to read his next move. Your mind shifted to the butterflies you felt moving around unforgivably fast. You looked away unable to bear the intensity of this moment before he pulled you back into him by the hoodie strings. He bent down so his lips met yours. He kissed you slowly and passionately. The new feeling turned the butterflies into comforting electric shocks. He let go of the hoodie strings and pushed you by the small of your back bringing you further into his embrace, deepening the kiss. His phone vibrated against your leg interrupting your kiss.

“Ignore it” he moaned into your mouth. “No Matt answer it, it might be important.” You protested, pulling away from him. He yanked his phone out the pocket of his shorts. “Hey, Kenny what’s up?” “Big Matthewwwwwwwwwwww what’s up boy, what you doing?” “I’m with my girl what’s up?” His girl sounded better when you were the definition. “Kosta and I are throwing a party tonight stop by, we all miss yo cute ass.” “Bet we might swing by.” “Oh hey bring Y/N fine ass too.” Three beeps signaled that Kenny hung up.  

“What does he mean,’ bring Y/N fine ass too’? What’s he want to see you for, you’re  my fine ass now.” “C’mon let's make our first appearance as King and Queen KARD.” You demonstrate as if your hands were a billboard.

~2 hours later~  Sativa- Jhene Aiko ft. Swae Lee The night sky turned from indigo to black falling deeper into the night as you and Matthew walked from your house to Kosta’s. You could hear the music as you walked closer, the bass from the speakers mimicking the feeling of your heart. What would your friends say? How would they react? How would Kenny react considering the fact that he had a crush on you and every other girl he had made eye contact with?       You walked past the wooden gate and into the backyard, a path you had taken throughout high school and college. The smell of weed, vape, and alcohol mixed together to the perfect harmony of the music. “Matthew, my boy you’re back!” Kenny and Kosta brought him into a handshake hug welcoming him back to his old stomping ground.

“Y/N sweetheart long time no see.” Kenny flirted. You offered back a sheepish wave.

“So Matthew where’s your girl? You bring her?” Kosta asked him, playfully nudging Matthew’s shoulder. You could smell Angry Orchard and Smirnoff sours on his breath. Now’s your time.

“That’d be me.” You stepped up and held Matthew’s hand in the air as if he just won a boxing match. “Y/N, baby, What about us?” Kenny whined. Kosta walked away shaking his head at Kenny. “Kenny, honey, there was never an us I've been about this one.” You answered, grabbing Matthew’s arm and holding it as if it was a trophy. “HOW BOUT SOME SHOTS FOR OUR NEW COUPLE!?” A very proud Kosta yelled, appearing with a bottle of Hennessy.

“Man just give me the bottle.” Matthew swooped it up and led you to a less crowded part of the party.

“Thanks for the bottle Kos!” You shouted to your friend over the music as you walked away.

“Three each?” Matthew asked before pouring a shots worth in his mouth. “Three each??? Three can get me drunk, three gets you, buzzed big guy.” You argued before taking down your first one. You kissed your teeth trying to suppress the burning sensation. No chaser, great. You were gonna be drunk as hell.

“Fine, I guess I’ll do five.” With every shot the more the alcohol consumed the both of you. Alcohol had always made you ten times more exaggerated than your normal personality but henny wasn't just alcohol. You stood up and led him to the patch of grass that had been determined as the ‘dance floor’. You began swaying your body to the music, living in the moment. Matthew grabbed your hips and began grinding against you painfully slow. It could’ve just been dancing but the Hennessy in your system made you more sensitive to his touch creating a dense cloud of sexual tension between you. You were relaxed in his hold, knowing that whatever happened you’d be safe with him. This behavior wasn’t anything new he had always danced with you at parties but tonight there was a possibility over a new outcome. Slowly and definitively you danced into him grabbing his neck to support you. In response, he ran his hands up and down your waist, your movements combining together blooming anticipation. Sensuously and almost animalistic you moved against him, matching the movement of his hips. For someone so tall he still fit your body perfectly, as if you were made for each other. You could feel the excitement between you causing the tension to thicken. He rhythmically added pressure to your ass from behind concentrating on you. He lowered himself so he could attack your neck with needy kisses leaving the potent smell of Hennessey. You spun around to meet his lips with yours but before you got the chance he stopped you. He was so close you could see the shadow he cast on your chest. You could hear his heavy breaths in your ear you could feel his heart beating against your shoulder. You danced like this for the next few songs, feeling as if it was just you and him. His hands slide down to rest on the back pockets of your short, his fingers playings with the loose fragments of denim from the distressed rips. He pulled you closer, your body fully flushed against him and you could feel the beginnings of an erection as he pressed against you. The music came to a dramatic stop and a drunken Kenny came over the speaker. “It was great seeing all of your beautiful faces but the cops are out front ya’ll gotta leave.”

Bodies shuffled back through the path and everyone was greeted with flashes of red and blue lights. The now cool wind hit you as you left the backyard.

“I don’t care where you go just get out of here.” A  policeman yelled,  pointing his flashlight in everyone's faces. You grabbed Matthew’s hand and pulled him towards the sidewalk to escape from the bright lights. Once you were finally away from the crowd of people you two were alone again. He held you tight like a prize he had won at the fair, forbidding you to walk normally. “Who knew today would end like this.” He whispered, his chin relaxed on your head. “I don’t know who you bought weed from but blame them.” You’d been high plenty of times before but it never made you reveal any secrets. “I don’t want this night to end.” He released you from his hold and spun you around so your chest met his. “The one place to go from here is up.” You told him, murmuring against his lips. “You’re gonna have to blame the henny for this.” Your teeth clashed into his, your breaths hot as they washed over your faces. Matthew tugged you into the bushes by your hands, pressing you deep into the foliage. He lay small pecks on your jawline, nipping every so often in between. His hands roamed up your bare legs and you shivered at the feeling. You had just begun to wrap your arms around his neck when a sharp twig stabbed you in the eye.        ‘Ow!” You yelled, holding the injury.        “What’s wrong? You good?” Matthew asked immediately, cradling your face to inspect the damage. His hands were large and warm and safe. You leaned into his touch, smiling.        “Just a dumbass branch. I'm ok.” You looked up at him in reassurance. You put your fingers to his lips and gave a sly wink.        “Now kiss me.” You tried to pull him closer but he pulled away with a grimace.        “I’m not doing this in a bush Y/N. C’mon.” He yanked you free, keeping you near his side. After a few minutes, you couldn’t hold in your question. “Matthew, where the hell are we going? The buzz was wearing off and you were left feeling irritated and very very horny. He gave your hand a squeeze. “Back to your place. Don’t tell me you’re that trashed where you don’t remember where you live?” He chuckled and you blushed before flipping him off. “Screw you I’m not even drunk.”

L$D- ASAP Rocky “Oh, I plan too.” He tossed a wink your way, effectively silencing you. The walk was thankfully short, as it was apparent the two of you couldn't wait any longer. You were currently trying to unlock your door as Matthew kissed the back of your neck. You scrambled to open the door and almost cried in relief when it did. Matthew took this as a signal to pick you up by the back of your knees. You wrapped your legs around his waist and attached your lips to his, moaning as he sucked on your tongue. You scrunched the fabric of his shirt feeling the material bunch under you. It was getting hot, too hot. You needed to get the stupid hoodie off of you. “I need you.” He moved from your mouth to your ear, licking the shell of it. “You already have me. But let me take care of you first.” You took in a shaky breath, the image turning you on beyond measure. You gyrated your hips, hoping this would get him to move faster. This seemed to do the trick. The two of you fumbled into your room, blind in the dark space. But it didn’t matter. Not when he was touching you like that. You were placed on a  hard surface and you heard the crash of several things falling to the floor. You wondered briefly what it was when Matthew weaved his hands through your hair and tugged, baring your neck for his taking. His lips were scorching, sucking welts into your skin which made you squirm. Had it always felt this good before? You knew no one else had ignited something so wild inside of you. Leave it to your best friend to hold the key to your body. “Gonna make you feel so good.” Matthew hummed, the vibrations going straight to your crotch. You gasped, rubbing your thighs together to relieve the tension. A large hand parted them and grasped between them, cradling your heat. “Oh fuck.” “Shit Y/N.” He whispered, rubbing the area at a slow pace. You curled up into his touch, thrashing on the hard surface. “Bed. Now.” You grabbed the front of his pants, smiling when he choked. You were lifted off of the flat object and placed on the bed, the smell of dryer sheets filling your nostrils. You looked up at Matthew, the evening light providing enough illumination for you to see his heaving chest and tousled hair. You sat up, your legs touching his. You placed your hands hesitantly on the bottom edge of his shirt, your heart racing. Matthew nodded, letting you remove his top half. Of course, you had seen him shirtless before, but never in this context. Your mouth went dry at the sight, your fingers twisting nervously over one another. “Hey, hey. It's just me Y/N. Don’t have to be worried.” He leaned down to press a soft kiss to your temple, melting your anxiety. His kisses traveled around the sides of your face and on the sides of your neck, before coming to rest back on your lips. These kisses were slow...but deeper, more sensual. You soon found yourself trapped between Matthew and the mattress, becoming putty in his touches. His hands explored the curve of your waist, ending at the top of your shorts. He gazed at you, licking his lips. “Can I?”            “Y-Yeah. Of course.” The scratchy denim was slid down your thighs in a flash, the sudden cool air bringing goosebumps. The textured pads of your best friend’s digits began to rub the underside of your foot, massaging the day's earlier stress away. You groaned, fisting the sheets tightly.                “How does that feel?” He kissed each toe of each foot, venturing to your ankles.               “So good..” Your eyes had fallen shut and you could focus on nothing but Matthew’s caresses. His touch traveled upward, closer to where you needed him most. You squirmed impatiently.              “Gonna take all day big guy?” He paused, looking at you from lidded eyes.            “My boys used to fuck with me talking about how fine you were and I never really noticed till I got back and now all this is in front of me and I have it all to myself.” His mouth slid along your outer thigh before stopping at the bottom of your underwear. “And I’m going to make every second of this unforgettable.” He breathed lightly, the air cooling the wetness between your thighs. You twitched at the sensation and huffed, dragging your nails down the sheets. “Matt-” You were cut off by the feeling of your bottom half being exposed completely. He took in a sharp breath. “Damn, Y/N.” He murmured, taking in the naked sight of you. The urge to cover yourself increased tenfold and you moved to do so, but Matthew was quicker. He pinned your arms above your head with one of his hands and shook his head at you. “Don't hide from me. Not when you look this gorgeous.” He ran a finger over your clit lightly and you jerked, not expecting the touch. “You're so sensitive..” He stroked the area again and you bit your lip, stifling a moan. “I'm gonna take good care of you.” He assured, wetting his lips before lowering his head and flicking his tongue out. “Shit.” You hissed, tossing your head to the side. The sensation had your toes curling, and you wondered if you might die right then and there. You thought you would when Matthew took the initiative and buried his face between your thighs, licking and sucking. Your hands freed themselves from his grasp and flew to grab at his hair, your nails digging into his scalp. Matthew winced and you relaxed a little, not wanting to hurt him. He lay on the bed and hooked your legs over his broad shoulders, before continuing to eat you out. You let out a string of moans, marveling at the skills the man below you possessed. You canted your hips into his mouth, the pleasure inside you rising. It had never happened this quickly before. The boys you had messed around with were laughable in the face of the cunnilingus master that was Matthew. Jesus this was what you had been missing. “Matthew, please. Touch me.” Without missing a beat, one of his hands came up to cup your breast under your sweatshirt, massaging the warm skin, as he used his thumb to stimulate your nipple. It sprang up in your bra after a moment and your head started swimming at the override of sensational rapture. You covered your hand over his, before deciding it was time to get rid of the rest of your clothing. You pulled the article over your head, jostling Matthew, who looked up at you in confusion, his chin glistening. “Let me.” He said, helping you with the rest of the clothing item. It thudded to the floor, leaving you in nothing but your bra. You rubbed your arms, the small hairs there rising in response to the cold. Matthew moved to kneel before you, towering over you even in this state. Using his knuckles he brushed the naked flesh of your shoulders and you took in a shaky breath when he kissed that same spot. His lips traveled south, leaving wet trails down to the top of your bra. He nipped at it, staring at you as he did so. Breathing had become much more difficult. “Are you still okay with this Y/N? We can stop if it's too much.” Matthew leaned back to give you space to think things over but you didn’t need it. There was no doubt in your mind that you wanted this. Wanted him. You reached around and unclasped your bra, letting it leave your body. Matthew’s eyes went wide and his mouth hung open at your boldness. You arched your back, giving him a full view of your chest. “Don’t back out on me now.” His mouth was suddenly attached to your nipple, as he sucked and teased. You pulled his head closer to you, closing your eyes and sighing in contentment. Matthew gave attention to the other nipple as well, until you were panting out needy pleas to him. He moved back onto his knees and unbuckled his belt, flinging it somewhere in the darkness. He yanked his jeans down and off, those adding to the pile of scattered clothing. You stared down at his manhood, gaping at the size of it. It seemed he had the same idea as you when it came to underwear that day. “I can see why they call you ‘Big Matthew’ now.” You let out a chuckle, the humor diffusing the sexual tension in the room. Matthew laughed along with you, grabbing his middle as he struggled to breathe. Once he had finished, he kissed the tip of your nose fondly and you lowered your hands to his erection in curiosity. It barely fit in your hand, but you held it as best as could, twisting your wrist experimentally. Matthew twitched, calling out your name in a whine. You smirked at his needy behavior and began to rub his shaft quickly until it was slick and red. Matthew’s head was thrown back, his Adam's apple bulging as he swallowed. After one hard tug, he swiveled his gaze to you, his eyes blown out. “Fuck, Y/N.”  He scrambled off the bed and dug into his pant’s pockets, pulling out a packaged square. You raised an eyebrow at this and he shrugged. “Never know when you’ll need it. I’m not about to be a dad anytime soon.” He slid down the condom over himself before using his shoulders to push your body down as he licked the underside of your jaw. You reached up to bury your hands in his hair, opening your legs wider to accommodate him. He reached down to position himself and you took in a sharp breath. “Tell me if it hurts okay?” You gave a nod, bracing yourself. He eased himself inside you and you grit your teeth, feeling the stretch of your walls as they tried to take in the size of him. It hurt just as much as you expected, but that didn’t stop a noise of pain to blow past your lips. Matthew stilled inside you, his breathing deep. “You good?” “Yeah, yeah. Just give me a minute.” Matthew waited until you gave the okay then slowly thrust his hips, holding yours down to give himself more control. These movements soon picked up speed once you became adjusted and the bed squeaked as you two clung to each other. Sweat slicked the sheets and your skins, heated grunts the only sound in the room. Matthew suddenly pulled you up onto his lap, the angle hitting your g-spot. You clung to his shoulders, trying your best to meet his thrusts as he bucked up, cradling your head in the crook of his neck. “I love you Y/N.” He whispered into your ear. “I love you too. Always have.” You claimed his mouth this confession, feeling your inner muscles clench. Matthew reached down to flick your clit, and you screamed, having an orgasm so intense you saw white. You tugged at his scalp, riding out your high as he met his. His hips stuttered before he came, your name falling off his lips like a prayer. He collapsed on the bed, rolling you over so that you were nestled in his arms. Everything you have ever wanted but was always too scared to get was finally yours. His muscular arms felt as familiar as home but better.

Blessed- Daniel Caeser

You spent what felt like an endless night like this. Mexican food from your favorite taco truck around the block, driving to the cliff and watching the sunset, getting high and making brownies, and watching scary movies in the daytime with a pile of blankets because you were both too scared. Trying to avoid the inevitable was easy when you were with him. The feeling of happily ever after shown effortlessly through your smile spreading from ear to ear. Your thoughts were distracted by Matthew shuffling through a pile of clothes like a dog digging in the sand. “Hey Y/N do you know where my one blue dress shirt is I can’t find it.” He looked back at your sprawled out body on the bed. “I hung it up in my closet, what do you need it for I thought you didn’t have plans tonight?” “I need to start getting my clothes together I have to leave next week.” “What?” “I have to leave next week.” “I just don't get it.” You said,  your head in the palms of your hands as your head shook in denial. “Don’t act like this you knew I had to leave.” The sound of hangers against the metal closet rang through the room. “You never told me when.” “You knew I couldn't stay forever what did you expect?” He snapped, twisting his body around so he could look you in the face. “I don’t know I’m just hurt… confused.” “I’m sorry if I knew you were going to confess your undying love maybe I would've stayed longer.” “So you regret it? Everything that happened? You regret it?” You rushed and got out of bed, standing in front of the closet. “I never said that. Why do you insist on putting words in my mouth?” “Take your fucking shirt.” You threw his blue dress shirt at in his face. It was the shirt he wore on your first real date. He took you to some fancy Japanese restaurant in downtown LA. You stormed out of the room, body consumed with anger. The plush beige carpet of your hallway pressed against your bare feet as you stomped into the kitchen. While rummaging through random cabinets in an attempt to clearly communicate your anger, you heard a loud slam coming from your bedroom. “Who’s shit are you slamming?” You yelled, walking back into the hallway “Jesus Y/N why do you have to start shit now?” “WHY DO I HAVE TO START SHIT? ME? IM THE ONE STARTING SHIT?!” “That’s what I said.” He said back throwing your cheap plastic laundry on the floor. “I’m not the one who can’t clearly communicate or realize what’s been in your face.” You argued back poking him in the chest with every syllable. “Y/N…. stop.” You continued antagonizing him. “You want me to stop because you regret us right. Or is it beca-” “STOP.” He finally gave in and raised his voice, shocking you when he firmly grasped your upper arms.

“Just fucking stop, I never said any of that shit Y/N.” “You were thinking it.” “You don’t know what I’ve been thinking. Have you even noticed? I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you for days Y/N, but I’m stuck. How do you tell the girl you love, your best friend, that hey I have to go back across the world come with me?” His hold on your arms relaxed.

“I can’t just say it like that.” “You want me to with you?” You looked up into his glossy brown eyes. “Yeah I’ve wanted you to go with me, I’ve wanted you over there with me since I left.” “Matthew I can’t just leave my job.” “You don’t even like it there Y/N they can replace you, you’ll be fine if you leave.” “What about all my stuff I can’t just leave my parents and my house.” “Y/N they’ll be fine they can sell the house and get a condo or something. You don’t need to be afraid of change I got you.” “I can’t stay in the dorm with you B.” “You can stay with Ashley, I can get you a job with Drew, I’ve had this figured out since you told me.” Tears began to roll down your cheek. Your forehead fell into his chest the feeling of instant comfort running through you. “Y/N you’re ok, you’ll be ok I got you.” “I’m so sorry Mathew, I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions, I’m sorry I’m scared of change I can’t help it.” Your confessed sobs interrupting each sentence. “Baby it’s ok just say the word and I’ll make this happen,” Matthew said, consuming you in his embrace.

      ~One week later~

Moon River- Frank Ocean

The coral and pink sky melted into white clouds. You peered out of the small cabin window as the flight ascended further into the sky. You uprooted the little life you did have and moved to Seoul with the love of your life. The thought caused you to clench your fist because regardless you were still scared. Matthews big hands caressed your balled fist easing your stress.

“Hey babe you're good we got this.” His deep voice soothed you as he delivered a kiss to your temple.

We have now reached cruising altitude, the refreshment cart will be around shortly.

Written by Jo

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

Aug 27th, 2019

     Dude, honestly? I still like Devon, but I am trying my best not to. It just sucks that I am such a loving and affectionate person who likes to care for people, but it seems like i like to care for people who wont feel the same way back. I knew all of this months ago, when i first told him i liked him. But back then i think i was just confused because we were having sex at the same time and i wanted to spend time with him because i thought I liked him so much. I used to really be super upset before. Now? I guess im kinda confused and hurt?       I guess, to me at least. It feels like im just a substitute girlfriend. I know they dont say it, and neither does he. Our friends invited me out to go to California with them. To go to disney or universal and literally everyone is a couple. Its Nick + Kiana, Micheal + Marco, Danial and Diana, and then its Devon.... Then they invited me. Nick said “ its so he doesnt feel like hes third wheeling” But like what about how i feel? I think itd be cool to go, but its going to suck going with people who are actually couples. I think Diana is in the same boat as me, liking Danial but also not dating him. But i never know what Danial and her talk about behind closed doors.       Devon openly flirts with me, and anybody whos anyone that doesnt know how him says that he likes me. Honeslty i guess i would look at it that way too if i wasnt stupid HAH. Hes just so affectionate and likes being cuddled and all that shit just to be friends. He said that we were too close of friends to date. That he values our friendship more than ruining what we already have going. I cant blame him, i guess i can only blame myself that continues to be so complying to what he needs/ wants. Sometimes he does things that I think are out of the ordinary for him But then i remind myself that he doesnt like me then i kinda land my feet on the ground.       Its so awkward, when hector jokes about us dating or being lovers or making jokes about us having sex or whatever. Before like, we were having sex often. Now its kinda random if we do. Half the time we do were either intoxicated or something idk? If i used it as an excuse or what or if he does or if i should just ask him for sex now since we kinda just do it randomly? Hes honestly the only person who i have been having sex with since like march or february?? I DONT KNOW WHY I ACT LOYAL TO A DUDE WHO ISNT EVEN MY MANS!!! gahhhh i fucking hate myself LOLOL.      I want to talk to someone about this but i know theyre so tired of hearing me talk about Devon, im even tired about talking about Devon “/