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nikosheba · 3 years

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The Mystery of the Vanishing Elf

First of all, this is not my meta; I’m posting this on behalf of Azh, who wrote it and wanted it on tumblr. (They did say I could take credit for bothering them to write it, and for helping kick around ideas, so I will :D)

Link to the meta on AO3

[all page numbers from the 2007 HarperCollins edition of The Children of Húrin, ISBN 978 0 00 724622 9]

Thanks to starlightwalking for beta-ing!

So I just finished reading the Children of Húrin—which, let’s be honest, I was mostly reading to get the expanded version of the Túrin and Beleg content. So at first when I started reading the second half — after Beleg’s death — I figured the reason I was less drawn to the text was because, well, Beleg was dead and therefore was less present in the narrative. After I’d finished the book and put it down, though, I realized it was a little more than that. Beleg wasn’t just less present. He was completely absent. This is no exaggeration: between the last mention of Beleg’s name in Chapter IX (“The Death of Beleg”) and Túrin’s death, when Gurthang asks to forget the “blood of Beleg my master” there is a single mention of his name, and it’s only a passing description of Gurthang itself as “the Black Sword of Beleg” (pg. 237).

Túrin never says his name again.

What’s going on here? This is, quite frankly, bizarre. The entire first half of the narrative pivots around the relationship between Túrin and Beleg. Beleg is the one who finds Túrin when he’s just a child his mother is sending to Thingol in Doriath. Beleg is his friend when’s growing up on Doriath — one of two really mentioned, the other being Nellas — and when Túrin is grown and goes off to be with the marchwardens, “Beleg and Túrin were companions in every peril” (pg 86). When Thingol and Mablung and everyone else are ready to assume the worst of Túrin, it’s Beleg who shows up with Nellas to tell them what really happened, and it’s notable that this means Beleg didn’t see what happened; he just implicitly trusted Túrin and was the only one to do so. They care about each other a lot. There is a brief portion of time while Túrin is with the outlaws that they aren’t together (that’s a whole nother post in itself) but Beleg returns to Túrin on Amon Rudh, “in this way, Beleg came back to Túrin, yielding to his love against his wisdom. Túrin was glad indeed, for he had often regretted his stubbornness; and now the desire of his heart was granted…it seemed to [the outlaws] there had been a tryst between Beleg and their caption.” (pg 139). These boys are in love. It’s textual. There’s only one other character Túrin is described as loving in a similar way, and it’s Níniel (Niënor), whom he marries.

In fact, it’s staggering that Níniel is the only other one (pg 218 “Turambar restrained himself no longer, but asked her in marriage”), because there is a very big elephant in the room, and it’s the person whom Níniel is occasionally compared to, Finduilas. Finduilas is mentioned three times in the text after her death, including twice by Túrin himself in direct quotations:

- “Then Turambar who led the men started back and covered his eyes, and trembled; for it seemed that he saw the wraith of a slain maiden that lay on the grave of Finduilas.” (pg. 214, when Túrin first finds Níniel)

- "But even as he spoke, he wondered, and mused in his mind: 'Or can it be that one so evil and fell shuns the Crossings, even as the Orcs? Haudh-en-Elleth! Does Finduilas lie still between me and my doom?’” (pg. 229, when Túrin is preparing to fight Glaurung for the last time),

- “Therefore he arose and went to the Crossings of Teiglin, and as he passed by Haudh-en-Elleth he cried: 'Bitterly have I paid, O Finduilas! that ever I gave heed to the Dragon. Send me now counsel!’” (pg. 253, after he’s killed Brandir and is desperately trying to deny that Níniel was Niënor, his sister)

This is huge. And it’s huge, because Túrin is not in love with Finduilas. This, again, is explicit, and textual, "In truth Finduilas was torn in mind. For she honoured Gwindor and pitied him, and wished not to add one tear to his suffering; but against her will her love for Turin grew day by day, and she thought of Beren and Luthien. But Turin was not like Beren! He did not scorn her, and was glad in her company; yet she knew that he had no love of the kind she wished. His mind and heart were elsewhere, by rivers in springs long past.” (pg 166, ”Túrin in Nargothrond”). So. Túrin never falls in love with Finduilas, and, in fact, the reason he doesn’t fall in love with her is that his “mind and heart are elsewhere”. Hmmmm. I wonder where his heart is?

Okay, so then why is it that Túrin repeatedly refers to Finduilas but not to Beleg? It’s really obvious based on the quotes I’ve given so far that he was in love with Beleg (and for god’s sake, the man doesn’t talk for a YEAR after Beleg’s death), that he was not in love with Finduilas, and that he was (or thought he was, at least) in love with Níniel, enough to ask her to marry him. So where the hell is Beleg in his thoughts for all this time when he’s falling for Níniel and thinking back to Finduilas?

For the answer to this, we need to consider the dual nature of Níniel’s relationship to Túrin, and what its source is.

Yes, Túrin loves Níniel, as his wife, but we know he also loved his sister Niënor, as a sister, and part of the reason he kills himself is that he can’t handle that he’s driven his sister to her death via incest (albeit accidental incest). It’s notable that Túrin loves Finduilas as a sister,

“Then Turin spoke freely to [Finduilas] concerning these things, though he did not name the land of his birth, nor any of his kindred; and on a time he said to her: 'I had a sister, Lalaith, or so I named her; and of her you put me in mind. But Lalaith was a child, a yellow flower in the green grass of spring; and had she lived she would now, maybe, have become dimmed with grief. But you are queenly, and as a golden tree; I would I had a sister so fair.’” (pg. 164, “Túrin in Nargothrond”.)

So these references to Finduilas make a narrative kind of sense — in addition to it mostly happening as Túrin is passing her grave, it’s a textual reminder of a hidden truth: Níniel is not just Túrin’s lover, but also his sister. He even finds her upon the grave of someone he loved as a sister. But there’s another truth hidden in the text as well, and it’s related to Níniel’s nature as Túrin’s lover. Because let’s be real, if he found her on the grave of someone he loved very firmly in a non-romantic way, why does he become romantically interested in her? She’s his sister—obviously he doesn’t know that, but the narrative is saying it very, very clearly. Well…there’s a confounding factor.

Here’s how Túrin finds Níniel (pg. 214): “Now it chanced that some of the woodmen of Brethil came by in that hour from a foray against Orcs, hastening over the Crossings of Teiglin to a shelter that was near; and there came a great flash of lightning, so that the Haudh-en-Elleth was lit as with a white flame.”

And here is how Túrin discovers that he has killed Beleg (pg. 155): “But as he stood, finding himself free, and ready to sell his life dearly against imagined foes, there came a great flash of lightning above them, and in its light he looked down on Beleg's face.”

The narrative does draw a parallel between Níniel and Beleg, an extremely strong (if subtle) one. It uses literally the same phrase to set up the scene: “there came a great flash of lightning”. So there’s a pretty clear answer as to why Túrin might associate Níniel with romantic love—he doesn’t just find her on his as-it-were sister’s grave, he finds her in a way that hearkens strongly back to the last time he ever saw his lover’s face.

So why doesn’t he think of Beleg now?

Why is the thought of his lover—whose loss cut him so deeply he didn’t speak for a year—so far out of his mind at this moment that his name isn’t even mentioned, even when narratively there’s no way he shouldn’t think of him?

Okay, I’ve drawn this out enough, so let’s cut to the chase: Glaurung. Glaurung, who is responsible for the first hidden truth that I mentioned, the more textually explicit one, that Níniel is Niënor, Túrin’s sister. He bespells Niënor upon Amon Ethir, “Then he drew her eyes into his, and her will swooned. And it seemed to her that the sun sickened and all became dim about her; and slowly a great darkness drew down on her and in that darkness there was emptiness; she knew nothing, and heard nothing, and remembered nothing,” (pg 209, “The Journey of Morwen and Niënor”) causing her to lose her memories and with her memories her name and therefore any way for Túrin to know who she is. Glaurung earlier bespells Túrin as well, “Without fear Turin looked in those eyes as he raised up his sword; and straightway he fell under the dreadful spell of the dragon, and was as one turned to stone.” (pg. 178, “the Fall of Nargothrond”) The first, obvious result of Glaurung’s spell (and the only explicit one) is that he leaves Finduilas and rushes off to try and find Morwen and Niënor. Now, we’re meant to believe that this is all that the spell does, since in “The Return of Túrin to Dor-Lómin”, pg. 166, the text notes, “And suddenly a black wrath shook him; for his eyes were opened, and the spell of Glaurung loosed its last threads, and he knew the lies with which he had been cheated.”

But I don’t think this makes sense. I think Tolkien is being poetical here and the “last threads” he’s talking about are specifically the lies about Finduilas. A number of Túrin’s conversations with Níniel point towards the fact that he’s forgotten something really important and that in that regard the dragon’s spell is still intact. For example, when Túrin tells Níniel what to call him (pgs 217-218, “Niënor in Brethil”):

“Then she paused as if listening for some echo; but she said: 'And what does that say, or is it just the name for you alone?'

“’It means,' said he, 'Master of the Dark Shadow. For I also, Niniel, had my darkness, in which dear things were lost; but now I have overcome it, I deem.’”

“My darkness” is eerily similar to the repeated motif of Níniel’s darkness, which explicitly refers to the spell cast on her by Glaurung.

“Behind her lay only an empty darkness” (pg 213, “Niënor in Brethil”); “it seem to her that the darkness that lay behind her was overtaking her again” (pg 214, “Niënor in Brethil”); “it seemed to her that she had found at last something that she had sought in the darkness” (pg. 215, “Niënor in Brethil”); and the two most relevant quotations, “And at that name she looked up, and she shook her head, but said: 'Níniel.' And that was the first word that she spoke after her darkness, and it was her name among the woodmen ever after” (pg 216, ”Niënor in Brethil”); and “when at length she had learned enough to speak with her friends she would say: 'What is the name of this thing? For in my darkness I lost it.’” (pg. 217, “Niënor in Brethil”)

So here it is: Túrin has lost “dear things” in “his darkness” (Glaurung’s spell) and he thinks that Níniel is what he has lost, but she isn’t—or she isn’t the only thing that’s missing. Glaurung has ripped out of Túrin’s mind the memory of the only person he’s ever had romantic feelings for—Beleg—and because he’s confused and trying to find something to fill that gap, Níniel gets cast in a dual role—not just sister (with her ties to Finduilas) but also lover (with her subtler ties to poor, missing Beleg).

This theory also has significant implications for Túrin’s death, since that’s the only time that Beleg is mentioned again, apart from a tangential sidenote. When Mablung finally confirms to Túrin what he’s already beginning to fear is the truth, that Níniel was his sister Niënor, he runs up to the Cabed-en-Aras, from which Níniel has thrown herself, and he asks his sword to kill him. His sword is Gurthang, which was Anglachel, made by Eöl, the sword that Thingol gave to Beleg and that Túrin used to accidentally kill him, and the response is somewhat unexpected, since up till now we haven’t had any indication that it’s a talking sword,

“‘And from the blade rang a cold voice in answer: 'Yes, I will drink your blood, that I may forget the blood of Beleg my master…I will slay you swiftly.’” (pg. 256, “The Death of Túrin”)

Interestingly, this is after the sword has been reforged, and there’s no particular reason it should refer to Beleg as its master — after all, Túrin has been wielding it for years, and it was made by someone else entirely. So then, why? And why does it ask to forget his blood in particular?

Because Túrin has remembered, finally. Whether the sword is picking up on the mood, whether it’s a narrative device, or whether it isn’t even really talking and it’s just Túrin’s mind playing tricks on him in his last extremis, I don’t know—though I favor the latter interpretation, particularly because Túrin himself is referred to as “the Black Sword” on numerous occasions. But the important point here is Túrin has remembered, because Glaurung is dead, and his memory spells die with him, “Then Nienor sat as one stunned, but Glaurung died; and with his death the veil of his malice fell from her, and all her memory grew clearer before her, from day unto day, neither did she forget any of those things that had befallen her since she lay on Haudh-en-Elleth.” (pg. 243, “The Death of Glaurung”)

So Túrin knows by now exactly what he’s done—not only inadvertently marrying his sister but betraying the one great romantic love of his life. The one he has probably just remembered accidentally killing in great detail. It’s probably quite present in his mind when, rather than throw himself over the waterfall as Níniel did, he flings himself onto the very same sword that killed the only person he was ever in love with, whose name he has finally, finally been able to bring to mind…

In sum, Glaurung erases Beleg’s memory so thoroughly from Túrin’s mind that only tiny, hidden glimpses remain, even in the text. This is the solution to the mystery of the vanishing Elf; it explains why Beleg vanishes right up until the very end, and it ties together the sense I had when I was reading the second half of something missing, something hidden, something incomplete. It is, I imagine, the same way Túrin must have felt after he awoke—as he thought, completely—from the spell that Glaurung laid upon him the first time they fought.

[A/N: I also wrote a fic based on this premise: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28980519 ]

#Túrin #Beleg #Silmarillion #the silmarillion #Turin Turambar #Beleg Cúthalion #Beleg Strongbow #meta #not my writing

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wallylinda · 3 years

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if you were serious abt your offer for flashfam comics recs in your reply to my comment then 👀 yes please

I’ve been waiting for an excuse to write down this list my entire life. But before we begin, I just want to say that I’m incredibly biased towards Wally West, so if you see a clear preference in my recs, that’s why. Also, comics are complicated and long and have way too much history. I’m missing a lot of stuff to summarize this and also to avoid digging in way too deep (it’s late sue me), so I’m just going to be focusing on the general, need-to-know content. I’m also going to be treating this like you’re a total newbie so if you’re not...oops.

The Flash (1987)

If you’re just beginning to plunge your toe in, I’d recommend starting at issue #62 when Mark Waid picks up. This comic takes place after Barry “dies” and Wally takes up the title of Flash and honestly, this entire series makes me so happy it’s great and incredible and I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did. There’s not a lot of context needed to just jump straight into the story so you don’t really need to read all of the previous issues to get the big picture. However, by heading straight here, you’ll be missing out on Linda’s introduction (she’s Wally’s love interest) and some basic lore. Not a lot, but it may be a bit confusing. Waid’s run also introduces a LOT of general Flash lore; from the Speedforce to Bart Allen’s origins, you’ll find it here.

Now if you want to read this comic before Waid starts writing for it, go ahead! But there’s not really a lot of “Flashfam” content before this, and there’s a very noticeable difference in writing. Mike Baron (wrote issues #1-14), for example, focuses a lot on. Um. Finances, weird romances, and abusive relationships. Also communism. I found the sheer pile of crapshit hilarious, in a way, and there are some good moments but it’s definitely not going to be lorded as the pinnacle of comics anytime soon. I’d only read his stuff if you’re really attached to Wally because otherwise, I think you’ll have a hard time staying invested.

Then Messner-Loebs (wrote issues #15-61), picks up the run and this is when, in my opinion, the series starts moving from mediocre to great. But still, there’s not a lot of Flashfam content; it’s primarily focused on Wally and his gradual development as a character. Mark Millar and Grant Morrison briefly pick up the series and then comes in Geoff Johns (wrote issues #164-225). I didn’t like his run, and from what I can tell that seems to be a common theme with all of his writing, but to each their own. Johns’ focused a lot of attention on re-establishing the Rogues as credible Flash villains, and so the Flashfam is more or less taken out of the equation. There are some cute moments with Linda though! And then finally, Waid once more writes for the series until its end, and we get some good dad Wally to clear my skin and water my crops. I miss them so.

Impulse (1995)

Bart! Bart, my beloved! In terms of Flashfam, this series focuses mostly on Bart Allen’s and Max Mercury’s relationship, which is loving and parental and amazing, with some brief dives into the rest of Bart’s familial relationships. I’d just read the entire series because, for one thing, it’s great, and secondly, because there’s a new nugget of gold to be found on every page. There’s not much more to say here except for me to enthusiastically encourage you to go check it out.

The Flash (2011)

We’re getting into the New 52 now and. And can I just say. I miss the good old days before the timeline got revamped. So, so much. They reintroduce Barry as the Flash here, and the majority of this series is just focused on Barry and Barry only. But in terms of Flashfam stuff, Wallace West is introduced here and there are some cute moments of him bonding with Barry.

Which. Okay, this next part is going to get confusing but hear me out. There’s two Wally’s in current continuity, and my advice to you is just...don’t think too hard about it. Timelines are confusing. The first Wally is the original red-head from the timeline before Flashpoint and also the one the 1987 series was based on, and the second Wally is this timeline’s version of him, wherein he’s black and named Wallace for convenience’s sake. They’re two different characters but also the same. Sorry that DC is like this. Anyway, he’s introduced in Flash Annual #3, with what I can only describe as an ‘interesting’ introduction, and then appears through issues #31-52. Honestly, if you specifically just want Flashfam stuff, you’re better off reading about him in the 2016 series. Speaking of...

The Flash (2016)

Once again, Barry’s the Flash. But, and this is critical, we actually get Flashfam content. Amazing. Incredible. Showstopping. Genuinely a blessing to be here, on this day, having a grand old time. Again, most of this stuff focuses on Barry, but there’s some bonding! Somewhat! I mean, it’s Rebirth, and DC just doesn’t do familial relationships like they did in the 90s anymore, but you can’t have everything.

I’m not going to agonize over the specific issues here, but there’s a lot of good Flashfam stuff here. You get characters like Avery Ho, Wallace West, and August Heart interacting with the rest of the “main” family, you get hugs, you get a couple of genuinely devastating throwaway quotes that will fuck you up, and at one point the pre-Flashpoint characters get retconned back into existence. I liked reading it. And, sidenote, but Jeremy Adams recently took over writing for this series (starting from issue #768 and onwards) and DC is switching it up so that Wally is the main Flash again and I’m so happy because finally! Competent writing for my favorite character! With any luck, Heroes in Crisis will soon be a long-forgotten memory! ...Well, I can only dream lmao.

...And that’s pretty much the really important stuff. Again, there’s a lot of stuff I’m missing but I’m just getting you started on the generals before you can swim in the deep end. And if anyone wants to add to this ask and recommend more content or just correct me on something, please go right ahead. Anyways, I hope you have fun reading these, and if you have any questions or just want to talk about these comics, feel free to message me.

#asks #flashfam #I didn’t put any early flash comics here b/c in all honestly I haven’t read them and I don’t know shit sorry #again I hope you like these comics they’re so good #I didn’t put specific issues because it’s nighttime and I like sleeping. again sue me #dc

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cassianus · 3 years

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The Potential Enigma of Philokalic Spirituality for the Western Mind:

To the Western mind, the starkness of philokalic spirituality with its constant emphasis on watchfulness, and the controlling of thoughts through unceasing prayer may be perplexing. There is in the West an almost inherent suspicion of things, especially spiritual, regarding asceticism involving restriction of thoughts unless such practices are stripped of anything approaching moral judgment or recognition of evil influence. One might, for example, be attracted to and engage in certain practices of meditation if the emphasis is on obtaining peace of mind and obtaining a state of inner calmness. Among those who do have religious and moral sensibilities that allow for such asceticism, the lack of emphasis on imaginative meditation on the life of Christ and his passion still presents something of an enigma. While the Western spiritual tradition does not lack such notions and spiritual writers who emphasize the type of spirituality the desert fathers put forward, the prevailing practice centers on imaginative and affective prayer and discursive mediation. This may make the Evagrian spirituality that prevails in the Philokalia seem obscure and foreign. Kallistos Ware writes: “Even though only a few pages are devoted to the works of Evagrios Pontus himself, the book as a whole makes constant use of his threefold classification of the spiritual way into the active life (praktiki), the contemplation of nature (physiki) and the contemplation of God (theologia). It also repeats in many places Evagrios’s description of prayer as a ‘shedding of thoughts’, a laying aside of images and discursive thinking. ‘When you are praying,‘ says Evagrios, ‘do not shape within yourself any image of the Deity, and do not let your intellect be stamped with the impress of any form; but approach the Immaterial in an immaterial manner, and then you will understand.‘

I mention all of this because it is fundamental to having a clear understanding of prayer and watchfulness as described in the writings of Hesychios that I have been considering in recent posts. With the exception of a few rare instances, the ascetic struggle and the manner of praying that is part of that struggle, notably the practice of the Jesus prayer, the Philokalia presents a Evagrian spirituality that is ‘apophatic‘.

The writers of the Philokalia, Hesychios among them, emphasize the interactions between thoughts, passions and sinful acts. Understanding these interactions and the fathers’ use of such terms is imperative. Before moving on to consider Hesychios’ teaching on controlling thoughts, it may be helpful to briefly consider a few definitions offered by Gregory of Sinai. These few paragraphs give great insight into why the fathers place special emphasize on struggling with distracting thoughts.

Gregory writes:

“Sinful acts provoke passions, the passions provoke distractive thoughts and distractive thoughts, provoke fantasies. The fragmented memory begets a multiplicity of ideas, forgetfulness, causes the fragmentation of the memory, ignorance leads to forgetfulness, and appetites are aroused by misdirected emotions, and misdirected emotions by committing sinful acts. A sinful act is provoked by a mindless desire for evil and a strong attachment to the senses and to sensory things” (Philokalia IV).

The Fathers of the Philokalia taught that sense factors can evoke the passions. The senses are mainly visual, but can be auditory, taste, touch and smell as well. In anticipation of many modern psychologists, the Fathers understood that cognition, memory and emotions scan also be triggered by such cues.

St. Gregory of Sinai again expresses these factors well:

“Distractive thoughts arise and are activated in the soul's intelligent faculty, violent passions in the incensive faculty, the memory of bestial appetites in the desiring faculty, imaginary forms in the mind and ideas in the conceptualizing faculty ... We are provoked to sin by such thoughts; the irruption of evil thoughts is like the current of a river, and when as a result of this we give our assent to sin, our heart is overwhelmed as though by a turbulent flood” (Philokalia IV).

The Fathers understood that the senses are activated by such distractive thoughts and so the battle must be waged there. Thus, St. Gregory continues:

“By the "deep mire" (Ps. 69:2) understand slimy sensual pleasure or the sludge of lechery, or the burden of material things. Weighed down by all this, the impassioned intellect casts itself into the depths of despair ... sin ... is named according to its external manifestation” (Philokalia IV).

Such thoughts and behavior can become deeply entrenched (habitual) and our only overcome by ascetic struggle, humility, prayer and the grace of God. St. Nilus noted, "A practice leads to a habit, and habit takes root like second nature. It is difficult and painful to stir or transform a nature.” Likewise, St. Gregory of Sinai wrote, "The cause and origin of the passions is the misuse of things ... (and) expresses the bias of the will ... " (Philokalia IV).

With these considerations in mind, perhaps we can begin to understand the firmness of Hesychios as discusses the kinds of watchfulness and why he wants us to be particularly attentive to these measures and practice them with diligence. He writes:

“I shall now tell you in plain, straightforward language what I consider to be the types of watchfulness which gradually cleanse the intellect from impassioned thoughts. In these times of spiritual warfare I have no wish to conceal beneath words whatever in this treatise may be of use, especially to more simple people. As St. Paul puts it: ‘Pay attention, my child Timothy, to what you read.’ (1Tim 4:13).

“One type of watchfulness consists in closely scrutinizing every mental image or provocation; for only by means of a mental image can Satan fabricate an evil thought and insinuate this into the intellect in order to lead it astray.”

“A second type of watchfulness consist in freeing the heart from all thoughts, keeping it profoundly silent and still, and in praying.”

“A third type consists in continually and humbling calling upon the Lord Jesus Christ for help.”

“A forth type is always to have the thought of death in one’s mind.”

“These types of watchfulness, my child, act like doorkeepers and bar entry to evil thoughts. Elsewhere, if God gives me words, I shall deal more fully with a further type which, along with others, is also effective: this is to fix one’s gaze on heaven and to pay no attention to anything material.”

“When we have to some extent cut off the causes of the passions, we should devote our time to spiritual contemplation; for if we fail to do this we shall easily revert to the fleshly passions, and so achieve nothing but the complete darkening of our intellect and its reversion to material things” (Philokalia I, pp. 164-165)

The ascetic struggle described here is great and constant, but its goal is not simply self mastery or freedom from thought or sinful passions. There is a radical personal element involved in the discipline, emphasized in the practice of the Jesus prayer which directs our thoughts and our hearts to God. We do not seek to cleanse the heart and the intellect (nous: the eye of the heart) for ourselves but for God. Jesus warns against a failure to keep this in mind as does Hesychios in his final comment.

“When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it also be with this wicked generation.” (Matthew 12: 43-45)

If we sweep and clean the house without having Christ coming to dwell in and be Master of that house, more demons will return and we will find ourselves in a worse state than when we began.

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fandom-star · 3 years

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Writer’s Tag

@its-all-ineffable tagged me to do this, but it’s a long one so I’m doing it in a different post! Thank you very much! I love doing these so much!

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How many works do you have on AO3?

164 (possibly 165 by the weekend if I post the Witcher one I finished the other day)

What's your total AO3 word count?

181468

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

It’s Okay (Merlin: Merthur) - 569 Kudos Pulchra (Night At The Museum: Jedtavius) [NSFW] - 286 Kudos A Father’s Wisdom (Merlin: Merthur: Uther-centric) - 270 Kudos Crush (MCU Spider-Man: PeterNed) - 262 Kudos Comfort Blankets For Sleepy Gods (MCU Loki Series: Lokius) - 245

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Sometimes. I try to if I’m not in a non-social mood. Mostly, if I start off on my page before reading any fic and see that I have something in my inbox and it turns out to be a comment on my fic, then I’m more likely to reply to it. Idk why it works like that. Otherwise, it’s kinda touch and go whether or not I’ll reply to something, you’ve got a 50/50 chance, but I always read and appreciate every one that I get.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

*Looks at my abundance of angst fics* There’s... a surprising amount of angst without happy endings in my repertoire. Um. I’ll give you three that I vividly remember. (All of these are Star Trek and Spones) Written In The Stars - This is one of my really early works, and was gonna have a sequel that made it have a less angsty ending, but I could never get into the rhythm of writing it. I won’t spoil it, but this is probably the only fic I’ve written where Sarek is a straight-up dick. Battlefield - As the title suggests, there’s war with no real context. And major character death. It’s sad. I genuinely made people cry with this. I am both proud and apologetic of that. Unreal - This is probably one of my more complex concepts, and I’m really proud of it. Features ooc Spock with contextual reasons I won’t spoil, defensive/protective McCoy and major character death of a sort.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending

This is kind of difficult, bc while I have excessively written angsty endings (see: above answer) I do usually write happy endings, and I can’t remember all 160 fic endings left over, and even then it’s difficult to rank them by happiest. I like Nutcase {Murdoch Mysteries: Watts-centric) a lot, oh and also Blame It On Me (Star Trek Pricard: Hughnor) which is angst with a happy ending (and has amazing art accompanying it). There are many others with happy endings, but like I said I have no idea how to rank them by “happiest”.

Do you write crossovers? If so, What is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

I don’t really, but I have written one as a request that I really really enjoyed. A Good Day is ThorBruce and is set in the DS9 era of Star Trek, in which Thor is a captain and Bruce is his chief science officer. It’s really adorable and features sleepy, over-worked Bruce and a very characteristically happy Thor.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, I don’t think so, unless you count unsolicited advice I felt I couldn’t turn down on ff.net when I was struggling to write Uhura. I’m kind of surprised I haven’t tbh (not that I’m complaining) since I do write for some very popular fandoms and ships (although, conversely, also some very niche fandoms and ships).

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I write it but have only ever posted it thee, four times if you count the exploratory one I posted under a pseudonym that wasn’t really that smutty. I’m hoping to get the confidence up to post some of what I’ve written tho, bc I do really like hat I’ve managed to do with some of it.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I’m aware.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, I have! A lovely person found my fic 1967, which is probably one of my favourite Spones fics I’ve written, based around the UK’s decriminalisation (well, partial) of homosexuality, and traslated it into Hungarian here. I’ve not been able to check it out, due to not knowing a thing in the language (tho I could probably ask my friend to) but the translator seemed really lovely, so I trust them to have done a good job.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not something I posted, but before I even started posting fanfic, me and my best friend really randomly started writing a Star Trek TNG x Star Wars crossover whenever they were at my house. We gave up on it after about a year and never wrote much for it, but it was... it was something.

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

This changes all the time with my hyperfixations! One that will always be in my heart is obviously Spones, my og ship and within my special interest. Currently I’m obsessed with The Witcher so I’ve got Geraskier on the mind but who knows when that might change!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

In terms of fanfic I don’t really have any that I don’t think I’ll ever finish. I have an original script that I started writing months ago but only got about three scenes into and haven’t touched since bc I don’t actually have a plot for it.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue; Is situations one? That sounds like a good and fancy way of saying AUs; Finding synonyms should be one, that’s like half my search history

What are your writing weaknesses?

Description; Despite my talent of finding synonyms I feel like I do repeat words a lot; Planning and outlining, I just don’t do it - it works for me tho.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’m pretty sure the only times I’ve really done it is for Jedtavius (having Oct speak in Latin occasionally) and I might have done it once or twice with Spock speaking Vulcan, both times it’s mostly terms of endearment or Oct wanting to be romantic. Idk, I don’t really care about reading dialogue in other languages as long as there’s a translation somewhere in the work or I can easily pick it up or search it. Just do whatever, it’s your writing. As long as you do it well and it makes contextual sense, I don’t really care.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Unposted: Star Trek: The Next Gen Posted: Sherlock (I actually recently reread my first ever posted fic, it’s a long haul (just over 45k), but if anyone ever wants to see a work where my writing visibly improves lemme know and I’ll email the pdf to you)

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Why would you do this to me??? I love most of my fics!!! I’m just gonna link a few here cause I’ve been doing this for an hour now and it would definitely take me an hour to choose just one! The Relationship Series - modern AU, autistic Spock (written by a self-projecting autistic writer), there’s angst spattered about but is especially prominent in part 6, I just really love this series Promises You Can’t Keep - Loki spoilers, I love this bc it’s based on “what if my finale theory was right instead of being debunked three minutes into the episode”, definitely angst with a hopeful ending I love all of my Charite At War fics, but I’m gonna link my 20 years post-canon fic Grow Old With Me and my modern AU You Give Me Your Light - both have some heavy topics (post-canon is set in 1960s East Germany, modern AU topics are tagged) but I adore both with my entire heart You’ll Never Burn - Merlin/Merthur, again kinda heavy (not as heavy as the Charite ones in my opinion) but short and everything is tagged I love all of my Babylon 5 fics but Secret Rendezvous will always have a special place in my heart. It’s very sweet and essentially follows Vir and Lennier trying to navigate coming out about their relationship to their ambassadors I also recommend all the of the fics I’ve already linked in the post ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now for the hard part - tagging!

@esperata @tallysgreatestfan @iwritesometimes @marlinspirkhall and any other writer mutuals I’ve likely forgotten but I’ve already spent WAY too long writing this post asfdhdskjdgha So I apologise, but if you wanna do it, absolutely go for it, this was so much fun and really made me realise how much I’ve achieved in 4.5 years.

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walkitoffsoldier · 3 years

Text

I posted 709 times in 2021

82 posts created (12%)

627 posts reblogged (88%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 7.6 posts.

I added 164 tags in 2021

#soldier rants - 45 posts

#soldier writes - 28 posts

#bucky barnes - 17 posts

#super soldier arm candy - 17 posts

#bucky barnes x reader - 11 posts

#marvel - 11 posts

#loki laufeyson - 10 posts

#loki - 9 posts

#steve rogers x reader - 8 posts

#girls night riots - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 91 characters

#imagine him doing this to readjust his arm before he comes over to rail you into next month

My Top Posts in 2021

How You Meet (N.R.)

Read this first! Also I know this is super short, please don’t murder me ;-;

"Natasha?" You say, looking at the red haired woman. She smiles at you. "Do you have any formal combat training?" She asks and you nod before you answer. "Um yes, I've been training at Shield with Agent Hill for the past two years actually. I guess I should have mentioned that." You laugh a little, playing with your fingers a bit as she looks at you, smiling still. "Well if you ever want to train sometime just let me know." She winks at you, leaning back in her chair, her legs crossed and a smirk on her face. You blush, turning away from her quickly and looking around to answer someone else.

43 notes • Posted 2021-06-01 05:53:21 GMT

When I See You Again (P.M.)

Author's Note: This is one of my old fics from Wattpad. I edited some of it but some of it I just left as is. It's a song fic so listen to the song below while reading.

Song: 'See You Again' by Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: Angst, fluff, and more angst (also the gif of Pietro dying at the end)

It's been a long day without you, my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

He was gone. The love of your life, your other half, your soulmate. You weren't sure how to react, so you locked yourself in your room. You pulled the box of your belongings out from underneath the bed, grabbing the slightly damaged photo album before sitting on the bed, legs crossed as you laid the photo album down and opened it with shaky hands. You looked through pictures you had taken back in Sokovia, before everything happened, flipping through the pages as tears rolled down your cheeks. You were wearing one of his shirts, the faint smell of his cologne still lingering on it. You watched as a tear fell onto the photo of when you and him had first met, remembering that day with a sad smile on your face.

We've come a long way from where we began.

You were studying abroad in Sokovia. You had just arrived and were walking along the streets, smiling; you were happy to be here. You stayed silent, you weren't fluent in Sokovian and you didn't want to make a fool out of yourself. You rounded the corner to see a dark-haired woman and a blonde? No, silver-haired man next to her. It looked like he was handing medicine to a man. You stopped at a little street store and listened as they spoke in English to one another. You could tell that the silver-haired man was a local, so was the girl. He held up a ball to a blonde-haired woman and told her; "This is for your brother". She gave him a small smile and then he held up a very skimpy, silver colored dress. "And this is not for your brother." She mumbled something you couldn't hear when the dark-haired girl walked by, "Is every girl in Sokovia getting a dress? At least that one looks warm." She said and he chased after her. They had a conversation you couldn't hear and then he hugged her and they walked back towards you. You started looking at the beautiful necklaces that the street stores were selling. "That one would look very pretty with your eyes, krasivaya (beautiful)." The man from earlier spoke, pointing to a (your birth stone) necklace. You looked at him and smiled, deciding to purchase the necklace. You started to leave when he stopped you. "Wait, what is your name?" He asked and you smiled. "My name is Y/N, kak naschet tebya? (How about you?)" You said and he smiled brightly; "I'm Pietro."

The good things we've been through, That I'll be standing right here talking to you,'Bout another path, I know we loved to hit the road and laugh.

A few weeks after meeting Pietro, he asked you out on a date. He told you to dress casually, but since you wanted to look nice you wore a royal blue dress and black flats. It was casual, yet cute. He told you he would pick you up at 3pm and it was currently 2:45. You fixed your hair, applied lip gloss to your over lips and grabbed your purse. At exactly 3pm, you heard a knock on your door. Pietro was wearing a simple royal blue shirt, blue jeans and the Adidas shoes he always wore. He was holding a bouquet of y/f/f (favorite flower) in his hands as he smiled at you from behind them. "Hello porumbelul meu, shall we go?" He cheerily spoke as he stepped by you and into your small apartment, looking around. The nickname made you raise an eyebrow; he had never called you that before and although you were getting better with the language you didn’t recognize that. “Of course, um, what did you call me though” You asked as you moved to put the flowers in a vase. “It means ‘my dove’.” He gave you that bright smile from where he was still standing at your door. “Oh.. That's cute.” You smiled as you sat the flowers on your table and then both headed out. He had setup a beautiful picnic, away from the busy life of the city. You two spent the whole day together. It was full of laughs, sweet glances and deep conversations. When it got dark, you both laid next to each other and looked at the stars. It was silent for a while, until he spoke up. "Y/N, ty budesh' moyey devushkoy? (Will you be my girlfriend?)" He said it quietly, leaning on his side with his head propped up on his elbow as he looked at you. You thought for a moment, trying to figure out what he said and then you blushed, "Konechno ya budu Pietro. (Of course I will)" He smiled and leaned in; kissing you sweetly.

How can we not talk about family when family's all that we got?, Everything I went through you were standing there by my side.

You and Pietro had been dating for a few months and you had gotten very close to Wanda as well. One day, you got a call from your mother telling you that your grandma had passed away. You were supposed to see Pietro that day, but you were too shaken up to see anyone. You didn't even get to say goodbye to her, you weren't even there. Pietro had come to your apartment and found you curled in a ball, clinging to a stuffed (favorite animal) and crying your eyes out. He didn't know what to do besides take you in his arms and hold you, softly rubbing your back and kissing the top of your head. When you eventually calmed down, you told him what happened and you both started talking. You weren't close with your mother because she left when you were young and your father had passed away a few years ago. You didn't have allot of family already, and now the person who practically raised you was gone. Pietro and Wanda were basically all you had. And you were basically all they had as well. Your own little beaten and bruised family. But it was enough for all of you. You had found a home in one another.

So let the light guide your way, yeah, Hold every memory as you go, And every road you take, will always lead you home, home, It's been a long day without you, my friend.

Sokovia was falling apart, piece by piece. A strange metal man floated in the sky and started speaking. You didn't hear what he was saying because there was already so much noise. Sokovia was floating, people were running and screaming, and the Avengers were fighting. Pietro and Wanda had left a few days ago and joined the fight. You were trying to get to safety, to get to one of the life boats but you had to block falling debris, gun shots and everything else, but you failed and a large piece of debris landed on your left leg. A man dressed in red, white and blue approached you, throwing the piece of debris off of you. You realized then that it was Captain America. "Are you okay ma'am?" He asked you and you shook your head. "No, no my leg is hurt." He nodded and picked you up effortlessly, carrying you to the new life boat and sitting you down. You noticed that this was the last boat. You sat there, watching all the people, watching your dear Pietro. You heard a woman screaming and looked over; her child was trapped under a piece of debris. A man with a bow and arrow turned around, running to the boy just as a jet was approaching; rapidly shooting bullets. The man used himself as a shield to protect the boy and you squeezed your eyes shut, not wanting to witness death as you had seen enough of it on this day. You expected the mother to begin screaming, but everything was silent so you opened your eyes. Standing there was your beloved Pietro, multiple bullet holes littering his body, blood starting to seep through his shirt and as he fell to the ground you let out a deafening scream. Despite your leg, you ran to him, holding him in your arms. It didn't last long though because eventually you were brought back to the lifeboat, along with Pietro. You quickly rushed back to his lifeless body, laying your head on his chest and holding onto his bloody shirt as you cried your eyes out. Your love was gone...

See the full post

45 notes • Posted 2021-07-26 00:55:17 GMT

How You Meet (L.L.)

Read this first! (e/c = eye color)

Loki watched you closely as your eyes trailed along the room of people, all of their hands in the air including his own. Your e/c eyes stopped on him, pointing a finger towards him. "Loki?" You said and he smirked, crossing his arms over his chest. "What are your thoughts on me, darling?" He asked, watching you as you processed his question. "Do you want me to be honest with you?" You asked, raising an eyebrow at him. "Of course, love." He replied. "Truthfully, I think you're kind of an ass." You shrugged but the smirk remained on Loki's face as he looked you up and down. "Looks like the new recruit doesn't like you, Reindeer Games." Tony laughed out. You snapped your head towards Tony. "That's not what I said, I said I think he's an ass. I think the same thing about you." You told Tony and Loki couldn't help the wide grin that came across his face. "I like her." He spoke as he looked at you, the grin still on his face.

58 notes • Posted 2021-06-05 19:04:35 GMT

Super Soldier Arm Candy (J.B.B) (Part 2)

Part 1 HERE

Author's Note: This is EXTREMELY LONG so I am sorry about that, it's worth it though I promise. Also I haven't had the chance to proofread this yet since it's 7:30 am and I should've been in bed hours ago but I really wanted to finish this and get it posted, I will go back and fix any mistakes there might be later.

Prompt #30 from here; you’re drunk, with your lover, you stumble into an empty room together, laughing loudly, while drinking champagne, straight from the bottle. you wrap your hands around your lover’s neck, taking another sip of the champagne. you lock eyes, and start kissing each other passionately. you drop the champagne bottle on the ground, because the world is spinning, and you don’t know what you’re doing, and you’re so wrapped up in your lover, and so out of it, all you can think about is how good it feels to kiss them

Word count: 12k (y'all aren't ready)

Warnings: NSFW, adult language, mentions of drinking, jealous!Bucky, mentions of blood, fingering, dom!Bucky, sub!Reader, choking, some fluff and two idiots in love at the end

If it’s in italics and *asterisks*, it’s the reader’s thoughts.

If it’s in bold, italics and *asterisks*, it’s the characters thoughts.

everyone knows this but y/n = your name

y/s/n = your siblings name

h/c = hair color

e/c = eye color

y/f/c = your favorite drink

y/f/c = your favorite color

y/f/m = your favorite movie

You groaned, shoving your face into your pillow as the sunlight peeked in through the sheer white curtains. You laid there for a few minutes before you realized the sun wasn’t gonna go away no matter how much you tried to will it to and rolled over onto your back. You closed your eyes and rubbed the sleep off your face with your hands, laying them at your sides when you were done. It was then that you realized the spot beside you in the large bed was empty. You could have sworn Bucky was lying beside you when you fell asleep last night. You raised an eyebrow and sat up, swinging your legs over the side of the mattress and standing up. Your thoughts starting to run rampant as you approached the door of the bedroom, swinging it open. The wooden floors of the main part of the hotel room felt like ice under your bare feet but you were on a mission. You had to find Bucky, especially if you had done something to upset him last night. The two of you did get pretty drunk before you passed out last night. You turned the corner of the hallway into the opening of where the open concept living room, kitchen and dining space were and saw Bucky’s large body sprawled among the small, plush couch, a pillow from the bed behind his head and a blanket he must have found in the linen closet draped over his body. You stood there for a minute, all of your negative thoughts drifting away as you watched the slow rise and fall of Bucky’s chest, his mouth open just a little bit as soft snores came out. *Damn it’s hard to be mad at you when you’re so damn cute Barnes.* You decided it was probably best to just let him sleep as you turned back around, heading back to the bedroom, even if you were mad and confused at him for sleeping on the couch and not in the bed... with you. You let out a frustrated sigh as you shut the bedroom door, walking over to the bed to grab your phone and check your text messages. Your phone sprung to life and you took a quick glance at the time, 10:30 AM, letting out a content sigh when you seen it was still fairly early. You then started looking at the assortment of notifications on the lock screen, the photo of a beach sunset you had set as your lock screen almost completely covered by the number of notifications.

See the full post

87 notes • Posted 2021-06-04 11:41:44 GMT

Super Soldier Arm Candy (J.B.B)

Author’s Note: This was supposed to be a short fic, that obviously didn’t happen... There will be a part 2 with smut (; Part 2

Prompt #5 from here; Have your characters go to a wedding, just as each other’s plus one’s. During the ceremony with the bride and the groom, they can’t help but steal glances from one another.

Word count: 7.7k

Warnings: Adult language, mentions of drinking, just two idiots in love and lusting after one another really.

If it's in italics and *asterisks*, it's the reader's thoughts.

If it's in bold, italics and *asterisks*, it's the characters thoughts.

If it's in italics and “quotes”, it's a text message.

most people know this but y/n = your name

y/f/c = your favorite color

e/c = eye color

y/f/d = your favorite drink

h/l = hair length

h/c = hair color

y/a = your age

You were sitting on the bed in your room of the tower, flipping through TV channels trying to find something worth watching. It was a lazy day which after everything with Thanos the rest of the team and you deserved it. You wore an oversized graphic t-shirt and spandex shorts along with a pair of fuzzy socks, your hair thrown into a messy bun. You let out a sigh, setting your remote down to pick up your phone, sending a text to Peter that read, “I think I'll take some of those Netflix show recommendations now.” You tossed your phone back on the bed and groaned knowing that when Peter finally seen your text your phone would be dinging for 5 minutes straight as Peter sent you separate texts for each show he wanted you to watch, along with painfully detailed descriptions to entice you into watching them. You leaned back into your pillows just as you heard a knock at your door. "Come on in." You stated, sitting back up, your legs still in the crisscrossed position on the bed. Steve strode into your room, a cream-colored envelope in his hands. "Hey some mail came for you." He said, sitting down on the bed when you lightly tapped the y/f/c comforter for him to do so. You and Steve weren't best friends but you had gotten closer since you became part of the team. He handed you the envelope, looking around your room, taking everything in. He hadn't actually been in your room before. You laughed a little as you watched him, his cheeks tinted slightly pink. You and Steve both knew it wasn't like that between the two of you, especially since his best friend had a crush on you, unbeknownst to you of course. But Steve could see the way Bucky looked at you, he hadn't seen him look at anyone like that since the 40s. "Steve, calm down. There's no need to be flustered just because I'm a girl and you're in my room, sitting on my bed." You would've laughed again when his cheeks turned a shade of red but you noticed the name on the envelope. It was from your ex. By the looks of the fancy cream colored envelope with the bright red wax crest it was a wedding invitation. You couldn't control the slight tremor of your hands as you held onto the envelope, looking over the name again and again. You wanted to tear the envelope up into a million pieces and burn it but your ex's family was close with yours so you relented. Steve noticed the way your face dropped and your hands started to shake and he gently placed a large hand over the envelope making you look up at him. "Hey.. you okay? What's wrong? What is it?" He asked softly, taking note of how glossy your eyes were when you looked up at him. "Uh yeah.. Yeah.. I'm okay." You stated, faking a smile even if you knew he knew you were faking it. "Don't lie to me y/n, what's going on?" He said firmly. *Oh so that's the captain voice I've heard so much about.* If you weren't feeling so many types of emotions right now you would've teased him for it but you didn't have the energy. You sighed, setting the envelope on your nightstand as you spoke, "It's a wedding invitation." Steve looked at you, waiting for you to finish because he knew there was no way you were this upset over a simple wedding invite. "To my ex's wedding..." You said, chewing on the skin of your bottom lip as Steve just looked at you unsure of what to say. You sighed again, looking up to meet his blue eyes. "His family and mine are extremely close so I all but have to go. But I hate him. I hate him so much..." You laughed, your way of pushing down the tears that threatened to spill out of your e/c eyes. Steve was still at a loss for words, he had never seen you cry before and now that you were sitting in front of him, tears prickling at the corners of your eyes he didn't know what to do. You sighed again, letting out a breath as took your hair down and ran your hands through it, letting it fall naturally. "You know, I honestly don't care that he's getting married to someone else... I care that he broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and left me to clean up the mess while he ran off with my supposed best friend... and now they're

getting married. What kind of sick joke is that?" You laughed again, rubbing your face with your hands. "I'll go with you... When is it?" Steve blurted out, it was the only thing he could think of to even somewhat help the situation, at least you wouldn't have to go alone. You waved him off, smiling sadly at him. "No, it's okay Steve, I wouldn't want to put you through that." Steve frowned at you before grabbing the invitation off your nightstand, ripping it open. You watched him, eyebrows raised as he took out the cream-colored invitation, a bunch of gold glitter and little golden bell confetti falling onto his lap when he took the papers out of the envelope. You covered your mouth with your hand, trying to hide the laugh that slipped past your lips when Steve looked at his lap with fear in his eyes... there was glitter and confetti everywhere. He continued with opening the invite anyways, sorting through the few papers in his hands to find one with the wedding date on it. "March 16th. I'll put it in my calendar." He said, finding the actual invite and taking his phone out so he could put it in his calendar just like he had said. *March 16th... at least that gives me a month to prepare myself.* "Steve, really, you don't have to go with me, I promise you I will be okay." You stated, watching Steve carefully. "Do you have a pen?" Steve questioned as he locked his phone and slipped it back into his pocket, completely ignoring you. "Uh yeah here you go." You said, reaching over to grab a pen from the top drawer of your nightstand, handing it to the blonde-haired man. "Thanks." He smiled and shuffled the papers in his hand, stopping on one and writing something down on it. He smiled again, handing you the papers and your pen. It was just your typical wedding invite, the invitation itself along with a card and small envelope for you to mail back letting the couple know if you were attending and if you were bringing a plus one, Steve had vigorously marked the 'bringing a plus one' box, giving you no options at this point. "That... that was really clever Icy Pop." You said, looking up at him with surprise. He laughed, at the nickname and also at the surprise in your voice. "I know." He said, smiling at you as he stood up. "Oh... shit." He said, looking at your bedroom floor where he had dropped all of the glitter and confetti. You would've been absolutely furious but all you could hear was, "STEVE SAID A BAD LANGUAGE WORD!" being shouted over the speakers of the Tower by Tony.

- A Month Later-

It was two days before you had to leave for the wedding and you were packing your suitcase, singing along to the music you had playing as you folded your clothes. Upon further reading of the wedding invitation, you realized it was a destination wedding at your ex's family's private beach resort in Greece. They were shutting the whole resort down for the week, two days for the wedding festivities and the other 5 for the couple's honeymoon. *Rich people...* You rolled your eyes, thinking of your ex's family. Your family wasn't poor by any means but they just weren't as... extravagant as the Ellison family. You heard a knock at your door, quickly pressing pause on your music to call out that your door was open. Steve walked into your room, a sad look on his face. "Hey Icy Pop, what's wrong?" You asked, folding a pair of shorts and placing them in your suitcase. He sat down on your bed, your suitcase slightly bumping his side as he did but he ignored it. "I can't go with you... Fury just called and I have to go on a two-week long mission. I am so sorry y/n." He stated, looking up at you sadly. You smiled softly at him, shaking your head. "Hey it's okay, I'll uh just ask Nat to go with me." He made a face, looking down again. "Or not because she's obviously going on the mission." You sighed and ran a hand through your hair. You knew you couldn't ask Peter because he was still in school and if he took anymore random weeks off then he wasn't going to graduate, even if he had all A+'s and a 4.5 gpa. You mentally checked off all the couples on the team, knowing you couldn't get any of them to go with you as you could only bring one other person. Steve watched you, he could practically see the gears turning in your head as you tried to figure out who else you could ask. Besides Wanda, Natasha, Peter and him you hadn’t connected with anyone else on the team yet. "Don't worry y/n, I'll find someone to go with you." Steve stated, standing up and walking towards the door. Before you could protest he was already out your door, closing it behind him with a soft click. You sighed again, looking at your suitcase. You picked your phone up, pressing the play button on your music and resuming your packing. *At least I can distract myself with this for now...*

-The Next Day-

You checked over your packing list one last time to make sure you had everything before setting your bags by your bedroom door. It was almost 7pm and Steve had yet to tell you if he had found you a replacement date. He had to leave for his mission early this morning but he promised you he would find someone to replace him. You sighed, grabbing your phone and a throw blanket off your bed and walking out of your room, taking the elevator to the main part of the tower and walking to the kitchen to get yourself a snack. After grabbing yourself a snack and something to drink you walked over to the couch, taking a seat and grabbing the remote for the TV. The tower was super quiet, a little over half the team had went with Steve on the mission while the others were either at their own homes or in their respected rooms. You were sitting on the couch for a little while, watching "New Girl" on Netflix, one of the shows Peter had recommended to you when you heard the elevator ding behind you. You turned your head, seeing Bucky walk out of the elevator in nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants, his dog tags hanging from his neck, bouncing slightly against his toned chest as he walked. *Damn...* You couldn't help but watch him walk into the kitchen, chewing on your bottom lip as your eyes trailed down his chest until... *well hello...* You looked away from him quickly, eyes shooting back to the TV where the characters were all drunkenly chanting "KISS!" to Nick and Jess from the other side of the metal door. You chewed on your lip harder releasing it from your teeth when you tasted the familiar metallic taste of blood on your tongue. You forgot about Bucky's presence a few minutes later though when Nick and Jess finally shared their first kiss on the show, shouting and throwing your hands in the air. "ABOUT DAMN TIME!" You heard a laugh and whipped your head around to see Bucky standing behind the couch, a glass of water in his right hand. Your right hand shot up to your chest and you looked up at him with your eyes wide. "Damn Bucky... a warning." You said, turning away to look back at the TV. He chuckled and walked around the couch, sitting a few seats away from you. "Sorry, I couldn't sleep so I came to get some water and then I got distracted by the TV." He said, taking a sip from his glass. You glanced at the time on your phone. 10:45 pm. Steve still hadn’t texted you.. "It's okay, you just gave me a heart attack is all." You said, setting your phone back on the couch and laughing a little, turning your attention back to the screen. Bucky sat there for a minute, just watching you... admiring you. You had on a simple white tank top and black sweatpants, wearing a y/f/c jacket to keep you from being cold, along with a blanket draped over your legs. Your hair was in a messy bun and you were smiling happily as you watched the show in front of you. It was then that Bucky got nervous. Steve had come to Bucky that morning, asking him if he would go with you to the wedding. Steve explained the situation to him and assured Bucky that it wasn't a scheme to finally get him to make a move on you, but that he wouldn't be upset if Bucky finally did make a move. Also that if Bucky didn’t go with you, his only other option was to ask Loki. Neither of you spoke for a while, you quietly watching the tv, yawning every so often and slumping further into the couch as you grew more and more tired. Bucky's eyes were everywhere except you. He just didn't know how to bring up that Steve had asked him to go with you. You had been living in the tower for about 6 months and he had barely spoken to you, so how the hell was he supposed to spend two days alone with you in Greece? A few more minutes of silence passed by as Bucky gave himself a pep talk inside his head, telling himself that if he could survive the war, falling off a train, decades at Hydra, an alien army not once but twice, being dusted, Wakanda and putting up with Sam every. single. day. that he could spend two days alone with you. Besides, it was you. You didn't even know it but you had him

wrapped around your pretty little finger from the day you stepped into the Tower. He hadn't felt this way about someone since the 40s and even then, he hadn't ever been so infatuated with someone who he hadn't said more than 30 words to in 6 months. He decided then that maybe this wasn't such a bad idea, hell maybe it would even be good for him to get away for a little while. He cleared his throat then, making your head snap towards him from the sudden noise. He fought the blush that threatened to creep onto his face when your breathtaking e/c eyes stared into his steel blue ones, waiting to see what he had to say. "So, Steve asked me if I would take his place as your plus one. If that's okay with you, that is?" He said, his mouth suddenly extremely dry as he watched your face carefully. "Yeah, that sounds great. I think we could both use a vacation from this place." You laughed lightly, turning your attention back to the TV. Bucky felt like he could fight God, or a God for that matter, in that moment. *Well Loki is only a floor above us...* He shook his head at the thought, but damn he was just so relieved you hadn't rejected the idea of him coming along and that made his heart swoon as he smiled, watching you for a moment as you yawned loudly, stretching your arms over your head. He couldn't help but watch the way your white tank top slid up a little, slightly revealing the y/f/c waistband of your panties which he followed upwards, his eyes trailing along the soft skin of your stomach towards your chest where he could see that your nipples were slightly hardened through the fabric of your shirt, most likely from how cold Tony liked to keep the Tower, going as far as putting a voice activation on the thermostat so no one else could use it. It dawned on him that you weren’t wearing a bra in that moment and... fuck did he think that was hot. He looked away quickly to focus on the TV, the blush creeping on his face impossible to stop this time. When you weren't looking, he casually grabbed one of the throw pillows from the couch, setting it on his lap and resting his arm on it to make it seem more normal. It was at least 20 minutes later when you spoke up, looking over at him as you turned the TV off. "Well... We should probably head to bed." You said, standing up and stretching your body out again. Bucky didn't know if it was the way you looked stretching out right now, the slight moan you let out as you did so or how you so casually said we but if he thought he was flustered earlier he was really flustered now. *Oh god I have to get out of here...* He cleared his throat and nodded up at you, but still he remained unmoving from his spot on the couch, the pillow still in his lap. "We have to be at the airport by 5 am and Steve told me once that you can be grouchy if you don't get enough sleep, so come on Buck." You said with a small laugh, grabbing your blanket and phone from the couch. If you had been anyone else he would've told you not to call him that name but you probably thought nothing of it as Steve usually calls him that most of the time. Besides, it sounded like heaven coming out of your mouth so who was he to correct you? You were facing him now, one arm of your jacket hanging off your shoulder as you looked at him. "You go on ahead, just gotta refill my glass. I promise I'm going to bed though." He stated simply, a soft chuckle leaving his lips as he picked the empty glass up off the side table and waved it a little. Steve was right, he was grouchy if he didn't get enough sleep. You yawned again, nodded at him and walked off towards the direction of the elevator. He waited a moment before getting off the couch, tossing the pillow back on it as he walked quickly towards the kitchen to get more water. *If it hadn't been for you he wouldn't be so damn thirsty...*

-The Next Morning-

You woke up at 3 am, groaning at the alarm on your phone before shutting it off and reluctantly rolling out of bed. You grabbed your phone, slipped your slippers on and walked towards the bathroom, flicking the light on. You rubbed at your eyes and yawned, taking in your appearance in the mirror and groaning again, stalking off towards the shower to turn it on. It took you about 45 minutes to shower, put on some light makeup and get dressed. You threw on some leggings and a hoodie, a sports bra and tank top underneath and put your wet hair into a braid before you were in the kitchen making coffee, eggs, bacon and toast for yourself and Bucky. Airport food was ridiculously expensive and plane food is usually disgusting. The sound of the elevator dinging startled you as you were in a fight with the bacon grease for your bacon. You finally managed to turn the burner off and move the pan off it, turning towards Bucky who tiredly walked into the room, leaving his suitcase by the elevator before he took a seat in one of the bar stools at the island "Good morning." You said smiling softly at him. He was wearing a pair of black sweat pants and a plain black hoodie and from what you could see a navy-blue t-shirt underneath. "Mornin'." Bucky mumbled out, sleep still thick in his voice and it sent a shiver down your spine. "Um... coffee?" You asked, turning towards the coffee pot to try and hide your blush from Bucky's sleepy gaze. He only nodded in response and you grabbed his simple black mug from the cabinet above the coffee pot, pouring the coffee into it and setting it down in front of him. This wasn't the first time you'd made breakfast for Bucky, but it was the first time that it was just him and you in the morning. You fixed yours and his plate, setting his in front of him as he mumbled out a 'thank you' with a smile as he set his coffee mug down. You both ate in a comfortable silence, Bucky washing the dishes for you while you went and grabbed your bags. Bucky finished putting the rinsed dishes in the dishwasher, turning it on before he sat back down on one of the stools, checking his phone while he waited for you. He had a text from Steve, “Hey Buck, I hope you're up and ready for your flight otherwise I'm gonna give y/n permission to beat you up” He let out a little laugh, he absolutely believed you could beat him in hand-to-hand combat, he had watched you take Thor down at one point and he had a hard time doing that but for some reason the thought of you trying to beat him up was funny to him right now. He texted Steve back, “Fight me yourself punk.” before slipping his phone back in his pocket, his mind drifting as he almost wished he wouldn't have woken up to see what exactly you would've done. His mind started to drift off further, thinking of less than friendly things you could do to wake him up... The elevator pulled him from his thoughts as it opened with you stood inside it, waving at him to come on. "Come on, we gotta go." You stated and he got up quickly, grabbing his suitcase and walking into the elevator with you. Rhodey had offered to drive the two of you to the airport instead of having to take a cab, but also so he could make sure for Tony that neither of you took one of his cars. The main reason being that Tony really didn't trust you with any of his cars. The other reason being that Tony didn't trust Bucky with any of his cars either. To be fair, Tony had valid reasons as to not trusting either of you. You rode up front, Bucky in the back seat as you all talked about work, your teammates and other random things on the drive. You and Bucky made it to your gate just in time, the metal detectors not being Bucky's friend. You couldn't help the laugh that slipped out when he walked through and the beeping started immediately. He had that grumpy old man face on as the airport security walked over to him with the handheld metal detector, hovering it over Bucky's body, the thing going crazy when he hovered it over his left arm. He let out a sigh and rolled his sleeve up a little, showing the man his metal arm

and he nodded, letting him go on. "Can't even walk through a metal detector." Bucky had grumbled as you walked away from airport security, another laugh slipping past your lips. *Peter and Sam are going to find this hilarious.* Tony had unexpectedly upgraded your seats to first class a week prior to the trip, telling you that no member of his team will ever be spotted in coach. You had rolled your eyes at the time but now that you were on the plane you didn’t mind. It was quieter and roomier in first class. Once the plane took off a blonde-haired flight attendant sauntered over to Bucky and you, making flirty eyes at Bucky as she did so. “Can I get you anything, handsome?” She blatantly flirted with him, leaning one of her arms on the chair in front of Bucky, he had let you take the window seat. Bucky looked up from his book at the lady, completely unfazed by her flirting and shook his head, turning to you. “You want anything, doll?” He asked you, the pet name effortlessly slipping past his lips as he smiled at you. You couldn’t even control the blush that crept on your face at the pet name, but you did your best as you smiled back at him. *This is just his way of ignoring her advances...* “Yeah can I get a y/f/d. Thank you.” You smiled at her and Bucky turned back to the woman, the smile on his face gone. “Actually, I’ll have one of those as well.” He said smiling to himself as the woman walked away with a huff. “Bucky... Can you even get drunk?” You asked later after the flight attendant brought back your drinks, bringing the glass up to your lips to take a sip. You were going to need at least three more of these to put up with your family, your ex and his family. And that would only be enough for the first hour you’re there. He looked over at you, taking a swig of the drink and setting it down on the table in front of him. “Yeah, but it takes a lot... Like a lot.” He stated simply, mind going back to when he was in hiding and how much liquor it took him to numb the pain. He shook the depressing thought out of his mind and began reaching for his backpack that was tucked between his legs on the floor. He pulled it onto his lap and began unzipping the small front pocket, reaching inside of it to retrieve the sleek metal flask Thor had given him the same morning Steve asked him to go with you to the wedding, as well as letting Bucky know where he could find more Asgardian liquor, at the bar, in Thor and Loki’s rooms and hidden randomly around the tower. He even had a map; it was all very strange but now Bucky was thankful for the liquid courage. “Unless of course I have this.” He flashed you a devilish smile, waving the flask at you. You raised an eyebrow at him, “What’s that?” You said, watching him as he twisted the cap off and began pouring a good bit of it in his glass. “It’s Asgardian liquor.” He said, smiling at you as he poured a small amount into your drink with a wink. Your eyes widened happily and you smiled at him, picking your drink up again, holding it out in front of you, towards him. “Thank Thor.” You giggled and he laughed a little, picking up his glass to clink it against yours before you both took a sip. You both sat back and enjoyed your drinks, talking about whatever random things came to your minds. By the time your flight had landed you and Bucky were both drunk. As you stepped off the plane, his right arm linked with your left, your other hands dragging your suitcases behind you both as you slightly leaned on each other and laughed about stupid things as you walked through the airport and outside into the warm air. It made you both pull away from one other to take your hoodies off, Bucky tucking his in his backpack and you tying yours around your waist. “Where to now?” Bucky asked, still a little drunk as he looked around at the beautiful sights around him. “Uhm lemme check hold on.” You mumbled, pulling your phone from your back pocket to pull up the directions/instructions to get from the airport to the island your mom had sent you earlier that morning. “We have to walk from here to the docks

and ask for a man named... Sebastian.” You said, looking back up at him as you locked your phone and put it back in your pocket. He nodded and looked around for a sign of some sort to lead you both towards the docks. He finally found one, a sign saying “Boating Docks” with a large arrow pointing towards a stone footpath. “This way.” He stated, linking his arm with yours again when you swayed a little bit. “Thanks.” You giggled as you both started heading towards the docks. It wasn’t that far of a walk and you were met with a couple of small boats and a small wooden shack sitting at the beginning of the docks. You walked up to the shack, smiling at the blonde-haired boy behind the counter. “Hi we’re looking for Sebastian.” You said, leaning both your arms on the counter to support your weight, Bucky a few feet behind you looking out at the ocean. “That would be me. What can I help you with, dollface?” He winked at you, smiling widely. He was cute... A little young, probably no older than 20, if that, but still cute. You giggled a little, at the pet name and because he kinda looked like a young, blonde Bucky. * Definitely a cutie...* “Perfect, we need a ride to Ellison Island Resort. I can pay of course.” You said, reaching for your backpack when he waved his hand at you. “For you gorgeous, free of charge.” He winked, stepping out of the shack and walking over to you and Bucky. “Grumpy old man included?” You giggled, grabbing onto Bucky’s right arm. *He’s awfully stiff..* Bucky glared at the boy, feeling a sense of pride when he saw him take a small step back and swallow before answering you. “O-Of course..” He said, turning and walking towards the boat at the end of the dock. You smiled and slid your hand down Bucky’s arm to intertwine your fingers with his, pulling him with you as you followed the blonde down the dock. If it wasn’t for the liquid courage and the super soldier serum pumping through his veins, he surely would have passed out from how fast his heart was beating with your hand in his. Sebastian took your suitcases and sat them in the boat, Bucky stepping into the boat with ease and moving the suitcases over. Sebastian reached his hand out to you to help you down into the boat but you had already taken Bucky’s outstretched hand. Bucky helped you into the boat, smirking at Sebastian as he did so although you had no idea of the silent war that was happening between the two as you swayed slightly in the boat. Bucky quickly took notice to the way you were swaying and placed his hands on your hips to steady you. “Hey doll, look at me.” He said, looking down at you. He did not need you to get sea sick right now. You looked up at him slowly and he noticed the way your skin was flushed red and if he didn’t know you were drunk, hot and borderline sea sick, he might think you were blushing... *But of course you weren’t...* Sebastian rolled his eyes a little at Bucky’s actions before walking away to untie the boat from the dock before stepping inside to take his place at the wheel. You smiled sweetly up at Bucky, bringing your hands up to rest on his chest. “Hmm?” You mumbled; his eyes were brighter here... as blue as the ocean and sky surrounding you. “You alright? You aren’t gonna get sea sick on me, are ya?” He chuckled, looking down at you, relishing in the feel of you in his arms like this. “No, of course not. I practically grew up on and in the ocean.” You laughed out but you didn’t move from his arms, continuing to look into those beautiful blue eyes. He didn’t move either, gazing back into your breathtakingly e/c eyes and God... He could just get lost in them forever and he knew he was putty in your hands. “I’m gonna need you two to sit down so I can move the boat.” Sebastian grumbled from behind the steering wheel of the boat, gesturing towards you and Bucky, breaking you both from your trance as you scrambled away from each other and sat on opposite ends of the boat. The boat started and soon you were making your way across the ocean to your own personal Hell for the next two days. You might not be sea sick

but the anticipation of what was coming was enough to make anyone want to hurl. You decided to just relax, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. You closed your eyes, allowing your body to relax as you took in a deep breath, breathing in the scent of the ocean, enjoying the breeze in your hair and the soft misting of ocean water on your face. *God, you had missed it..* On the other side of the boat Bucky was cursing himself for putting his hands on you the way he did, even if he had thought you were going to be sea sick or fall over. *It’s gonna be a long two days...* He snuck a glance over at you to see you facing the sun, the breeze blowing your h/l h/c hair back, the sun shining on your face and he swore you never looked more stunning. It was probably the liquor still coursing through his veins but he pulled his phone from his pocket, opening his camera app and taking a photo of you. He sent the photo to Steve along with, “I think she’s enjoying herself so far..” He returned his phone to his pocket before looking back over at you. He would tell you about the photo later but right now he didn’t want to disturb you, not when you looked so peaceful. He decided maybe you had the right idea and did what you were doing, closing his eyes as he faced towards the sun, the warm beams contrasting with the cool breeze and sea water misting onto his face and as he took a deep breathe in and out, he swore he felt a sense of peace for the first time in decades. *Guess you did have the right idea..* It wasn’t much longer and you arrived at the dock of the island, stepping out of the boat with Sebastian’s help this time as he had all but bolted off the boat to do so making you giggle and take his hand, stepping onto the docks and looking around. *Looks the same as last time...* You let out a small sigh and turned towards Bucky, smiling softly at him as he stepped onto the docks with your suitcases. He returned the smile, walking over to stand beside you as Sebastian finished tying the boat the dock. You smiled at Sebastian, trying once again to pay him for the ride here but he only declined again, letting you know that he comes from a wealthy family and he’s just doing the boat thing as a side job. You smiled at him and nodded, understanding how it feels to just want to lead a normal life. “Would you mind if I took a photo of you? You just really look like someone I know and I want to see if my friend agrees..” You stated, pulling your phone from your pocket. “Sure go right ahead, just as long as I can have your number after.” He winked at you, posing for you as you opened the camera app and took a photo of him. You gave him your number after, a deal is a deal, allowing him to take a photo of you for the contact image.

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116 notes • Posted 2021-06-02 17:55:32 GMT

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vanaera · 4 years

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Defining Epilogues (ksj)

Synopsis: Seokjin thinks he could always see the end of something before it even comes. When an annoying girl starts to rent the weirdest books from his shop, all Seokjin could see is how she will be the one to end him.

Characters: Seokjin x Female Reader

Trope/Au: Book rental shop owner!ksj x animator/artist!you (onesided enemies to lovers)

Genre: Fluff, comedy that’s close to crack

Wordcount: 6.3k

Warnings: Books with weird titles and secondhand-embarrassment-inducing sfw sex jokes (PG-15 Rating)

A/N: Happy birthday to my best girl @sophrosinn!!! This is my gift for you! This fic is done with the great help of the ever wonderful @senfleurs who edited this story and stayed with me for the past 24 hours while I cry, laugh, and panic writing this fic! This fic also ended up helping me ride out a massive writer’s block.

If Seokjin ever prides himself for something, it’s on his ability to tell how things will end the moment he sees them. He can tell when someone is about to fail their exam. He can sense a fight within a crowd before it even happens. He can stand at the end of the street and know the woman with the umbrella is about to break up with her boyfriend. And it always ends with Seokjin being right.

Seokjin’s thankful for this skill because he’s been able to learn when it’s the right time to pursue something or when it’s time to give up. If it weren’t for this ability, he would have not been able to accomplish his dream of having a book rental shop that actually sells. Seokjin just didn’t expect he would have to start thinking twice about this skill soon after his shop’s opening. All because of a Y/N L/N who appears in his life like a wild Pokemon.

From the start, Seokjin was already certain of one thing: Y/N is far from his type. For one, he didn’t even like having her as a customer.

“Hey, I think that girl’s been staring at our way for three hours now. Are you sure I’m not supposed to go help her out?”

Seokjin turns around to face his assistant and he hates that he’s able to see that girl from his peripheral. Seokjin shakes his head and turns back to the new books he’s been putting on the database, “I’m sure, Jungkook. Go back to work.”

“Are you really sure? I think she’s the type who’s too shy to ask for help and instead, hopes to send a telepathic message by burning holes on our heads.”

“I’m sure, Jungkook,” Seokjin repeats with a sigh. “Now why don’t you try working on that next book instead of stalling?”

“I’m not stalling—”

“Hello. I want to borrow this book.”

Seokjin looks up from his counter. The girl stands in front of him, staring straight into his eyes as she pushes the book his way.

Natural bust enlargement with total mind power: How to use the other 90% of your mind to increase the size of your breasts by Donald Wilson.

Seokjin looks back at his work and sighs, “Jungkook, get this.”

Jungkook picks up the book. He must have been taken aback as he looks at Seokjin, confused.

Seokjin closes his eyes and waves him off. “Don’t even ask. Just do the usual.”

“Okay,” Jungkook says. “Uh, ma’am, please write your name here. Okay, so Ms. Y/N L/N, you’re gonna return this—wait, you’ve been borrowing this book for three weeks?

“Yes. Why?”

“U-um, n-nothing. Just curious. It only has 141 pages and you’re not, um, finished yet?”

“Well, I want to learn more about how to mind control my breasts to make them bigger.”

“Uhh…”

“Alright,” Seokjin stands up and nudges Jungkook away. “Ms. Y/N L/N, you’ll need to return this book five days from now, on March 23rd.” Seokjin slams his date stamp on the paper. “If you fail to return this book on time, we’ll have to charge you $1 for every day past the due date. And if the copy gets destroyed or lost, we’ll also have to charge you. Understood?”

“Yep.”

“Now, that will be $17.”

Y/N places the money on the counter and heads for the door. But she doesn’t leave without sending one last stare into Seokjin’s way.

Seokjin plops back down on his seat and clicks his tongue. “She didn’t read the book again.”

Jungkook rolls his chair next to him and asks “Aren’t you being judgmental? Maybe she’s just a slow reader.”

“No, she does not read it. The author didn’t mean literal mind control as she said. The book is about conditioning your mindset to a more positive view of your body image.”

Jungkook looks at him with his forehead scrunched, “Wait, you’ve read that book?”

Seokjin’s lips turn into a frown and he rolls his chair away from his assistant. “Don’t even ask.”

When Seokjin first met Y/N L/N, he was convinced that she’d be the type of customer he’d hate the most. The type that comes in, picks a book, stays for god knows long, and leaves without borrowing anything. She used to do this back when she first came to his shop within its first week of opening. She kept the tradition strong for a solid month, and Seokjin was convinced that some highschoolers noticed her behavior and attempted to use his shop as their new hangout spot. He’s glad his shop was getting packed as the days went on. It’s just a different story when a hoard of teens started flocking around his shop without renting anything and prevented actual renters from entering his shop. Seokjin had to put up “No loitering” and “Maximum of 3 hours stay” signs on his windows to end this money-ripping tactic once and for all.

That didn’t seem to stop Y/N, though, as she would still come to his shop to pick a book to read right in front of his face without ever renting it. This time, however, she made sure to follow the three hours maximum to avoid getting called out. This went on for another week until Seokjin decided he had to talk with her about this. That didn’t end as well as he had hoped, as Y/N just looked at him straight in the eye and left immediately after he got his last word out.

Seokjin remembers getting so embarrassed at how he unknowingly did a monologue to a single-person audience. He wasn’t left mulling over it for long as Y/N came back the next day and actually began to rent a book. She still stays the three hours max limit most of the days but she doesn’t let a week pass without renting a book. She also manages to lower her ‘miser’ type level to the ‘weird borrower’ level in Seokjin’s annoyance scale. Having a customer with a renting history surrounding the most ridiculous-sounding books is much better than having them rent none at all.

Albeit, that’s a bit of a stretch, too, as Seokjin finds out that Y/N’s not exactly the weird borrower type, but the weird borrower who comes again on time just to rent the same book for weeks. And she doesn’t even read them. Seokjin confirms it one night when Y/N came to his shop a minutes-breadth away from the closing time.

“Wait!” Y/N screams, running towards the shop.

Seokjin stops pulling down the metal gate to give her a glare, “I’m already closing, L/N. Come back tomorrow.”

“But I have to borrow something!”

“Oh no you don’t—”

It’s too late though, as Y/N slips under Seokjin's elbow and pushes the unlocked glass door open.

Hearing his bell on the counter ring for consecutive times from the incessant taps of the infamous L/N, Seokjin knows he’s already lost the fight. He sighs as he makes his way back to the counter.

“What do you want?”

“This,” Y/N smiles.

The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife by David Staume.

Seokjin eyes her as he picks up the book, “This again? You’re still not done reading 164 pages after, what, two months?”

Y/N gulps as she clasps her hands in front of her, “Well, um, I still don’t get how people engage in sexual intercourse in the afterlife.”

Seokjin decides not to reply and continues to do his job.

“If they believe in a god. Or gods. Wouldn’t they worry about their god seeing them do...lewd stuff?”

Seokjin feels his right eye start to twitch.

“Unless...their god is a sex god?”

Seokjin closes the book louder than necessary. He pins Y/N with a glare. “Look, Y/N. This book is about sexual energy transcending material life and even moving to the astral world. Just like how people pass away. What made you think that this book was about literally having sex in the afterlife?”

Y/N looks at him with wide eyes, “You read the book?”

Seokjin scowls. “Don’t turn this on me. We’re talking about you. Why do you keep borrowing books you don’t even read?”

Y/N looks at him then back at her clasped hands. “You don’t have to know,” she mutters under her breath, taking Seokjin by shock when she slams the payment on the counter and leans over to stamp the renting slip with the due date herself.

Seokjin tries to call after her retreating figure by the door. “Wait, I didn’t even tell you the—”

“Yeah, $1 for each day after the due date and you’re gonna charge my card if I destroy the book,” Y/N yells over her shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’m gonna come back on time!”

Seokjin pales in his seat. Her announcement sounded like a death sentence.

He wishes he wasn’t so easily bothered at the slightest of things Y/N said. He wishes he didn’t spend too much time deciphering a way to stop her. Most of all, he wishes he didn’t become too intrigued by her to the point he’s started to care about what she’s actually doing.

And Seokjin hates it. He hates how he stresses himself reading the books Y/N borrows. He hates how he wastes his time trying to re-arrange the books in the shelves just so Y/N would start picking books with titles that actually made sense (which he learned is futile as Y/N had a penchant for finding weird books around his shop whenever and wherever). And, Seokjin hates how he basically studied her long enough to memorize her pattern. Long enough to realize that underneath all that weird borrowing behavior, Y/N just comes to his shop to stare at him. Moreover, Seokjin hates how he confirmed it with a friend.

“Y/N must be making you quite busy, no?” Jimin asks over a mug of coffee.

“You know her?” Seokjin asks in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Jimin nods, “I’m friends with her. I consulted their animation company for the ad I told you I was making for Books to Tell. She was the one who assisted me and we just clicked. Especially after I learned that she’s also friends with Namjoon.”

Seokjin’s eyes go wide, “She’s also friends with Namjoon?!”

“Yeah, they kinda knew each other in college. Why are you so shocked? You were in the same major as Namjoon. You could have seen her with him around uni.”

“Uh, no, I didn’t.”

Jimin rubs his chin and shrugs, “Well, it’s a small world then. So, how is she? I actually told her to go visit your shop when you first opened.”

Seokjin chokes on his coffee and Jimin hurries to pat his back. “God, why are you like this today? Is something wrong—"

“How come you’re just telling me all of this now?!” Seokjin cuts his friend with a glare, making Jimin jolt in surprise.

“W-what? Was I supposed to tell you about this earlier?”

“Yes! Y/N’s been annoying me for four months now!”

“I…didn’t know about that,” Jimin steps back and sits in his chair. “I just told her to take a look at your shop and she said ‘okay.’ She didn’t say anything after that so I figured it left her mind. I didn’t know she was a regular in your shop. She just brought it up again yesterday when she told me how…” Jimin zips his lips and shrugs.

“How what?”

“...how she likes your face.”

Seokjin chokes again. This time on his own spit. He should have seen this coming. He was long aware that some of his renters only went into his shop to get a look at his face. Even if he had to suffer through the tedious cycle of rejecting their queries for his number and offers of coffee, some of them ended up as his regulars. Seokjin didn’t mind. Money is money after all. He just didn’t expect Y/N to be like them after all the months he spent trying to decode her actual intentions.

Seokjin tried to brush Y/N off just like he did with the previous renters. Although she hasn’t pulled off anything yet, Seokjin believes it’s better to set things straight before it happens. The sooner he ends this, the faster he’ll find his peace again.

Seokjin hired his neighbor, Jungkook, who’s been bugging him for a part-time job for so long and made him his assistant. He entrusted him with entertaining the customers so Seokjin wouldn’t have to deal with Y/N bugging him anymore. And like always, that plan goes down the drain because Y/N always, always ends up in front of Seokjin even when he’s countlessly told her to go to Jungkook.

Seokjin’s tired of stressing over her so he forces himself to ignore her and the ridiculous books she borrows. But even that proves to be hard when Y/N hasn’t even done anything untoward but to stare at him from time to time. And give him a headache with the books she borrows like The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America by Julian Montague, 50 Sad Chairs by Bill Keaggu, and Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich by James Yannes. For after all the progress he thought he’s put in, Seokjin still finds himself reading these books all because of a goddamn curiosity he couldn’t put down.

It becomes harder when Namjoon and his friends pick up Seokjin’s weird setup with Y/N. And mutual friends being the annoying mutual friends they are, Namjoon and the gang begins to invite him and Y/N to hangout.

“Why is she here?” Seokjin mutters to Namjoon the moment he sees their table.

“Who?”

“You know who.”

“Oh, Y/N,” Namjoon prolongs the syllable as if her name is the most amazing thing ever. Seokjin grimaces. “Why? You got a problem with her?”

“No,” Seokjin instantly denies. “I’m just asking why you invited her. It used to be just us for so long.”

“Yeah, it’s always been just us that’s why it became boring.”

“Boring?”

“Yeah, I’m getting tired of your face,” Namjoon chuckles, stepping ahead of Seokjin. “Besides, what’s wrong with adding a new friend? Y/N is cool.”

Oh hell yeah, Y/N is cool. She beams at Seokjin like she always does as if their legs weren’t just casually touching after their friends made it a point to choose a cramped barbecue restaurant and sit the two of them next to each other.

“So Seokjin, I heard you and Y/N are getting close,” Namjoon starts and Hoseok hoots in support.

Jimin, being as annoying as ever decides to ride in too. “Yeah, why don’t you tell us how you met.”

“I was doing my business and Y/N just rented a book. That is all,” Seokjin says dismissively as he grabs his shot glass and downs the gin in one go.

“Are you sure, that’s all, Seokjin?” Rose leans forward, grinning, “Maybe you’re hiding something from us.”

“I’m not—”

“He’s not hiding anything. That’s true.”

The table pauses as all eyes dart to Y/N. A wave of self-consciousness washes over her and she directs her focus back on her clasped hands on the table, “S-Seokjin’s right. I just rent books from him.”

Seokjin glances at Y/N then back at his drink. It’s the first time she actually addressed him that night after engaging animatedly with Namjoon, Jimin, and Rose for the past hour. The table nods slowly and Seokjin guesses they’re already about to drop the subject. Seokjin’s lips tug in a small smile. Maybe tonight’s not gonna go as bad as he initially thought.

However, Jungkook, being the ever-living oblivious fuck that he, must’ve not gotten the memo, decides to stir up the subject again.

“No, I don’t think so. Seokjin and Y/N do have something going on. I catch Y/N constantly looking his way and Seokjin for some reason, knows every single weird-ass book Y/N borrows.”

Seokjin’s lips part in shock. Jeon Jungkook did not just give him away like that. “Of course, I’ll know those books. I bought them to rent them to people. That’s my business!”

Jungkook blinks. “But you know every single detail about them.”

The table goes silent. It doesn’t last very long, though, as Rose and Jimin break into simultaneous laughter while Namjoon repeatedly slaps his thigh. Hoseok shoots, “Oh my god, you must’ve kept on buying books with weird titles just to keep Y/N borrowing!”

“What? I did not!” Seokjin yells but his voice is lost in the sea of laughter and teasing. Seeing as there’s no hope in making his friends stop anytime soon, Seokjin decides to lean on his seat and cross his arms in silence. His friends are going to jump onto another topic eventually. Looking at his empty plate, his eyes glance at the person who’s equally quiet next to him.

Y/N is busy fiddling with the seams of her jacket. She looks up from time to time to their friends to wave off their playful jibes at her with a laugh.

Seokjin feels an annoyance prick on his skin. His friends invited him over just to tease him. Seokjin is sure it’s only him because he’s the only one who’s gotten frustrated over this debacle while Y/N sits chill beside him. Y/N doesn’t even break a sweat laughing with the others as if she hasn’t been bothering him for months now. Seokjin swears he’s gonna decline the next time his friends invite him again. Or at least try to, because he’s gullible to their promises of “Hey, they’re giving out free drinks. Free is free!”

It’s the same as that one fateful night.

Seokjin stops in his tracks and grabs Hoseok by the shoulder. “Why is she here again?”

“Who?”

“Y/N.”

Hoseok raises a brow, “Why do you keep asking this question when you already know the answer?”

“I don’t,” Seokjin shakes his head. “I don’t know why you keep inviting her whenever I decide to join you guys.”

“Oh, don’t be such a grump. Y/N’s our friend, too.”

Feeling Seokjin still in his spot, Hoseok turns around and sighs, “Hey, we only see each other ‘bout twice a month, you know. Let’s have some fun, okay?”

Seokjin should have known Hoseok’s definition of ‘fun’ is far from his as he sits across Y/N in the restaurant. All their friends out of sight.

Hoseok started a game after dinner where everyone had to draw a piece of paper from the cup being passed around. The partners would then have to leave together in a form of a friendly date. It’s similar to seven minutes in heaven but messed up because instead of seven minutes together, they had to spend the rest of the night with the person they’ll end up picking.

Seokjin should have known that this was all planned when Namjoon oh so coincidentally pulled Rose, who everyone knows he’s been secretly crushing on. Meanwhile, Hoseok, Jimin, and Jungkook obviously ended up drawing each other’s name just to purposely get Namjoon and Rose together. And well…him and Y/N together. Seokjin sighs as he stands up. He just had to get this done and over as quickly as he possibly could.

“Look, Y/N—”

“I know a good place near here.”

Seokjin halts. He looks at the girl who’s already looking up at him with wide eyes. "There's a cafe down the block and I heard it's really nice."

"Uhh, that sounds amazing. I guess. Look, Y/N-"

"They let you play with board games and borrow books, too."

Seokjin scratches his head, "Uhh, I don't know about that, Y/N. I haven't had the time to check them out yet...I mean...if those cafes are good...or bad," Seokjin internally cringes at his words. Making believable excuses was never really his forte.

"Oh, it's good!" Y/N smiles, “I’ve tried it before and I had a really good time."

"Uhh-"

"It's really good. You can trust me on this.”

“No, I can’t,” Seokjin says before he could think about it and he immediately feels the guilt pang in his heart when he sees Y/N’s eyes drop to her feet

“That’s…okay. I'm sorry. I just wanted to make up for the days, and uh, nights I probably made you uncomfortable. I thought, maybe you'd enjoy having a few drinks at the cafe since I always see you with a to-go cup on your counter."

Seokjin looks at her with surprise written on his face and Y/N flushes. "Sorry. I tend to observe... stuff. I’m sorry," she repeats again, voice dripping with remorse.

Seokjin bites his lip. He didn’t mean to make her sad. He just wants to…run away from her. The reason? Well…Seokjin doesn’t exactly know why. Maybe it had to do with the feeling that nagged at him since the night started. The feeling that something may happen tonight that he wouldn’t like. He tends to prioritize his disposition because more often than not, his gut feeling has saved him countless times from unnecessary drama and unpleasantries. But for tonight, Seokjin decides to shake them off. It wouldn’t hurt to take up Y/N’s offer, right? It’s just some coffee.

“Okay. Um, I forgive you.”

“You do?” Y/N perks up, lips curving up again.

Seokjin looks away, “Yeah. I think I’m being difficult, too. I’m sorry if I also made you uncomfortable.”

Y/N waves her hands, “Oh no, don’t apologize. You don’t make me uncomfortable. Far from it, actually.”

Seokjin doesn’t know what to say to that so he clears his throat, “Okay, so...let’s go to the cafe?”

“Sure,” Y/N grins.

It feels weird to walk side by side with Y/N when he’s gotten used to having a counter between them. It’s even weirder that he actually enjoyed their time together inside the cafe. The cakes were delicious, the coffee was amazing, and the books and board games were a wonderful addition. Seokjin didn’t know he'd actually have fun playing scrabble against Y/N.

“I can’t believe I lost again!”

Seokjin chuckles at her, “That’s because you kept using short words.”

Well, it really is fun when he’s winning.

Y/N pushes the game to the side, “I don’t want to play scrabble anymore.”

“That’s okay,” Seokjin chuckles, “I can find another game I’m sure to win again.”

The two of them fall in a comfortable silence. It’s the first time Seokjin felt this way around Y/N. For all the months she came to his shop, he did nothing but be forever on his toes around her.

“You know...I really like your face.”

Or maybe not. Seokjin tenses up in his seat.

Y/N puts her hands up, “Oh, I didn’t mean it like, in a bad way. I mean, I like your face. It’s so...expressive.”

Seokjin looks at her, confused. Expressive?

“You’ve asked me before about why I keep on borrowing books I don’t even read and I told you that you didn’t have to know. It seems right to tell you the reason behind it now..” Y/N fiddles with her hands, “Since you’re now paying attention to me.”

Seokjin knows this isn’t true but he doesn’t say anything.

“You see...I’ve been fumbling around my work for so long. Well, it’s more like a personal project for now. I’ve been meaning to pitch in the idea of a lighthearted romcom series to my department. I just wanted to have a solid draft first so I could at least let them see my vision. I’m pretty bad with words. I need things to be spelled out completely and I don’t think I can do it with this one so I will have to get the drawings complete instead,” Y/N scratches her head. “I want this pitch to have a solid chance. I’ve been working on it for almost three years now. I just can’t seem to finish it because I didn’t know what to do with my lead male. Until I heard about you from Jimin.”

“Me?” Seokjin points to himself.

“Yeah. You have this look in your face that just exudes…greatness. It’s like you’re telling me...‘I’m a star.’”

“Huh?”

“What I mean is, your expressions are perfect for a leading guy!” Y/N squeals, “Oh my god, I just found the right words.”

Seokjin laughs nervously, “Y/N, just so you know, you’re not making any sense right now.”

Y/N cautiously fixes herself again, “Uh, what I’m trying to say is, you have this aesthetic around you that’s just perfect for the male lead I am envisioning. It’s easy for you to make various expressions that stretch from annoyance to glee and beyond. I’m really surprised at how well you could do that. If you think about it, you can be an actor if you’d like. You’re even handsome.”

Seokjin flushes at the sudden compliment.

Y/N continues, “And that’s that. You became my muse and I kept visiting for inspiration because I obviously couldn’t take pictures without your permission. That’s illegal.”

Seokjin should be appalled. He’s never met a person before who said such...things aloud in the open as if they’re just talking about the weather. But here he is, looking at Y/N, and feeling at peace. Maybe it had to do with him finally getting the answers he’s been looking for for months.

“Well, you should have just told me from the start. I wouldn’t have been...too weirded out by you.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. My bad,” Y/N softly laughs.

“I thought you’re purposely messing with me with the way you pick the weirdest titles from my shop.”

Y/N awkwardly shrugs, “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that.”

Seokjin chuckles but halts. Why does Y/N bother to pick the weirdest titles when she can just pick from the hundreds of normal-looking books he has? She won’t even read them anyway.

Seokjin clears his throat, “Um, Y/N, why do you always borrow the weird-looking titles?”

Y/N’s eyes grow wide. She darts her eyes at her lap, “Uhh, I just, uh, do.”

Seokjin isn’t convinced. No one spends time finding the weirdest of books in a shop ‘just because they do.’ Seokjin feels the familiar itch of his curiosity. He needs to know why. Only then will he probably stop finding a pattern in the ridiculous-titled books Y/N borrows.

“Okay, you can keep doing your...inspiration thing.”

“What?”

“I’m not angry about what you said. You don’t have to worry. Everyone has their own inspiration. You can keep coming to my shop. After all, you’re my regular renter.”

Y/N’s smile immediately grows into a grin, “Okay. Thank you, Seokjin.”

Seokjin feels his chest lighten with satisfaction. But at the same time, he can’t deny the feeling that he’s probably signed himself up to something he’s unprepared for. He presses his lips together. His gut feeling was right. He doesn’t like this night.

Seokjin confirms this when tomorrow comes as well as the following days. Y/N comes in like usual in the afternoon, maxes her three hours, and finds a book with a weird title to rent. Nothing had changed much except now, Seokjin had to see her stare at him openly and not behind a book, as she intermittently looked towards his counter then back to her sketchpad. He regrets having ever welcomed Y/N because now he thinks he’s the one who’s weird for feeling his heart pound in delight whenever Y/N looks at him.

Seokjin hates what he’s become. He hates how he simultaneously dislikes and likes Y/N’s presence in his shop. He likes how Y/N has begun using her three hours to tell him another story from work. He likes how she makes him laugh even when her jokes don’t make any sense. He likes how easy it is for him to tell her his own stories—his dreams, his fears, his past relationships. He could even say the most ridiculous musings he ever had without feeling ashamed of it because Y/N understands. But at the same time, he can’t help but dislike how he’s started to constantly wait for her return in his shop. He hates how he instantly feels so down when he realizes Y/N won’t be able to make it to his shop. He dislikes how he finds himself oversharing stuff without feeling any guilt when all his life, he made it sure not to say to let people know too much. The more they know, the easier it is for them to inflict hurt. Because they know what part is gonna hurt the most. And so, Seokjin tells Y/N everything other than the things he feels about her. The things he really wishes to say.

All his life, Seokjin has always anticipated seeing how things will end up. Because he knows he’s right. And he always almost is. He knows that this relationship he has with Y/N is purely transactional. Y/N just kept coming because she needs someone who’ll give her inspiration. Seokjin knows if he ever lets his feelings out, he’ll only end up breaking his own heart. He knows how this will end and yet he can’t but wish he isn’t always right. Now, he sits fearfully in anticipation of the day Y/N stops her visits as soon as she finishes what she started coming to his shop for.

Turns out, Seokjin didn’t have to wait very long. Because on one Thursday morning, he finds a copy of Y/N's final draft on his counter and no presence of the girl. Y/N doesn't appear during the following week. Or the week after that.

"What do I do?" Seokjin mumbles. He covers his face with his hands as he slumps on Jimin’s dining table. The rain thundering outside fits his current mood so well. Seokjin hates it.

"Well, you shouldn't have been so hostile to her from the start," Jimin says with crossed arms.

"Don't you think I already know that? I've already played through all the different things that could’ve happened if I didn't pick on her borrowing habit."

"It's not that," Namjoon says. "We meant how you usually react when we invite her over to our hangouts."

"Yeah, you always look so stiff next to Y/N even after we set you guys up on a date," Jungkook remarks. "Anyone would have looked at you and would’ve commented on how uncomfortable you looked right next to her."

It's true. He felt uncomfortable whenever he sat beside Y/N. In his defense, it no longer felt like the uncomfort he felt when they had first met. This feeling of uncomfort felt different, it’s brought by the heat that fills his body when Y/N's leg brushes against his.

And it didn't help that earlier that day, Y/N pulled quite a stunt on him.

"Hey, you have something on your hair," Y/N points at his head. But before he could pick it up on his own, Y/N had already leaned over the counter and picked it away for him. She came so close that Seokjin could clearly see how long her lashes actually were and how pink and soft her lips looked. He feels his Adam's apple bob up and down.

"There," she smiles, "All handsome again."

Seokjin feels heat rush to his ears as he looks away.

Seokjin looks at Jungkook, “Well, I can’t control how I feel. You know how bad I act when I’m not okay.”

“So you’re not okay being by her side in public but you’re okay when you guys are alone?” Jungkook eyes him, “Don’t you dare deny it because I saw you guys getting chummy across the counter.

Seokjin gulps. He knows what Jungkook is talking about. He didn’t know where and when but somewhere along the way, he and Y/N started to blur any nuance of personal space around each other. He just found it natural to tuck her hair behind her ear when it falls on her face as she draws. He found it natural to let his fingers brush on Y/N’s own as he grabs a book from the upper shelf for her.

“You must have been watching too many romantic movies.”

“Why?”

“You’re really acting like a main lead now. You’re making me feel as if I’m the female lead.”

Seokjin freezes and tears his eyes away from Y/N. He pulls the book and unceremoniously pushes it to her. “Here’s your book,” he mutters before walking back to his counter.

“Hey, don’t just leave me here!”

And Seokjin found it natural to let his actions do the talking for him instead.

“Do you trust me?” Y/N asks as she looks up at him. “I already made you look good on paper. What more if we go to this amusement park together?”

“I don’t trust you,” Seokjin says but his hand grips on hers tighter.

“Of course, I’d feel better when we’re alone,” Seokjin grunts as he grabs his coffee, “Who would want to see two people touching each other in public? Not to say people who engage in PDA too many times will eventually break up since the pressure from the public-”

“We’re not telling you to engage in PDA,” Namjoon cuts him. “What we’re trying to say is that, why do you refuse to act on your feelings?

“Yeah,” Jimin seconds, “It’s obvious that you like her. You wouldn’t keep on buying weird books and reading what Y/N borrows just to check if Y/N will indeed read it. You wouldn’t keep asking me if she’s alright at work whenever she doesn’t show up or leave you any messages under the pretense of ‘ensuring she wouldn’t come to your shop to disturb you’. You keep asking me because you’re worried about her. You keep buying her weird books because you’re happy seeing her smile happily about them. You keep welcoming Y/N into the shop even when you hate getting distracted because you like her!. It’s so obvious! Why can’t you say it?!”

“Because I know how this thing between us will end. What we have is purely temporary. Y/N came in to find a muse and that’s that. She comes to my rental shop just to finish her project. Y/N never intended to stay long, and I made sure she didn’t. I knew she was leaving the moment she finished. If I said I liked her then, it would’ve only made us awkward and I would’ve ended up absolutely miserable.”

“Well, she already did leave,” Namjoon deadpans.

“And you didn’t say anything but you’re still miserable,” Jungkook says.

Seokjin closes his eyes and nods. He’s fully aware that Y/N is gone, but it’s not like he can act like nothing happened. It was his fault, after all. “Yeah, I know now. I’m stupid. I’ll just have to deal with it on my own and move on.”

“You don’t have to deal with it on your own.”

Seokjin jolts at the familiar voice. He turns around and finds the very person he’s been missing for weeks. Y/N. With the deep bags under her eyes and her hair all mussed up, she looks far from Seokjin’s type. But she’s still the most beautiful person he’s ever seen in his life.

“Okay, I guess this is our cue to go.”

Seokjin whips his head to Jimin, his eyes wide, “You planned this?”

“Obviously. It looks like you still needed a little push after the last stunt we pulled. Jungkook, stand up from your goddamn seat.”

Y/N stays in her spot until their three friends leave them alone. Seokjin looks at his feet as shame and self-consciousness mingle in an unsettling mix in his stomach. Y/N is here and he must look like the stupidest idiot in the world right now.

“Did you mean it when you said you liked me?

“Yes,” Seokjin sighs.

“Then why didn’t you say so from the start?” Y/N says in a soft voice. “You kept blocking my advances. I was trying to let you know that I liked you, too.”

“You like me, too?” Seokjin asks, shocked and confused.

“Of course! Did you really think I just picked weird books out for fun? Okay, I did have a lot of fun picking them — but the point is, I did all of them to get your attention!!! For god’s sake, did you think I sat through your lecture on divine afterlife intercourse “just because”? No!! Okay,” Y/N closes her eyes, I first went to your shop for inspiration. But that all changes when I started liking you. You’re just so hardworking and smart and even if you’re grumpy on bad days, you actually care so much. I just want to stand out at least a bit so you could see me, too. And just when I thought I had finally succeeded when you agreed to let me draw your face, you started giving me mixed signals. You’d come near me and touch my hand and would let it go right when I started to talk about it. You’d act so affectionate then say the exact opposite. Do you know how bad it hurts when I ask you if you’d trust me—even when I sound like I’m joking—and all you’d ever answer is ‘no’?”

“I thought...you already knew the answer.”

“No, I don’t, Seokjin. I told you I’m bad with words. I need things to be spelled out. I-”

“Y/N, I trust you. I thought you figured it out already when I told you everything about my life.” Seokjin looks at his hand, “But it turns out it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry we had to take the long route like this because I couldn’t say what I really wanted.

“And what is it?”

“You.”

Y/N flushes at his sudden confession. The surprise in her eyes morphs into a satisfied glint as Y/N’s lips curve into a soft smile. “It’s okay. You have me now,” She steps into his arms and Seokjin immediately engulfs her in his embrace. For the very first time in his life, he doesn’t anticipate anything. His mind doesn’t conjure any endings. All he could think of is how he wants to prolong this moment as much as he can. Seokjin smiles into her neck as he tightens her hold on her. This must be what it feels like to be finally at peace.

“So you like me now, huh?” he feels Y/N murmur at his chest.

“Yeah.”

“And you trust me now?”

“2000%” Seokjin grins.

“Good. I’ve been wanting to try out something that I read.”

“Oh, so you’ve finally read something,” Seokjin chuckles by her ear.

Y/N giggles, “Yeah. I wanted to do it right this time for this book.”

“What book?”

“Edward Jaye’s The Cookie Sutra.”

“What?”

“Cookies and Kama Sutra.”

A/N pt. 2: Hello my dear @sophrosinn. Happy birthday! First of all, I love you. I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH. AND MY LOVE FOR YOU CANNOT BE CAPTURED ENOUGH BY THESE WORDS. You’ve been with me for four years of my life and I couldn’t believe it’s just four years when it feels like I’ve been living my whole life with you. Yeah, you made a super large mark in my life and I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been if I didn’t meet you. You’ve helped me out in so many difficult times of my life. Through all the shits and slumps I had in school, in my family, and in my writing journey, you’ve stayed with me throughout all of those things. Gave me the advices I needed to hear. You’re still here, helping me heal from the pain I’ve suffered and still suffering. You’ve always been a rock of support in my life, @sophrosinn, and I wouldn’t have come this far if it weren’t you. When I look at you, I still wonder how life managed to let me meet such an astoundingly wonderful person like you are. These days have been tough but I hope you know you don’t have to suffer through it alone. I and @senfleurs will always be here to hear you rant, listen to your basog moments, and help you lighten your load as much as we can. Whenever life brings you down, I hope you always remember I will be here for you to give you an ear that will listen to you, to give you a shoulder you could cry on. I want to also be your rock of support you could always go to without hesitation just like you’ve always been for me. So Happy happy birthday my dear best girl! You have gotten a year older today but don’t worry, you’re not gonna be alone. I and @senfleurs will be by your side as we grow old with you! Here’s to more amazing years! I love you!

P.S. Yes, this fic is inspired by this reddit post you sent to us.

I just changed it up a bit bc my mind went blank when I first drafted the “we’re married” concept. Hope you like it, anyway! I tried writing both your serious and quirky sides through Seokjin and the OC!

P.P.S. I’m sorry I couldn’t get this fic out much earlier. My writing slump is still as bad as it can be but oof, I managed to get it out just before August 11 ends! I hope the wordcount and the feels and laughs make up for that > u <

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fenristheorem · 3 years

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Hi! Can i ask a scenario/headcanon for my human OC s/o and lance? thank u 🖤

Hello again! Happy to write for your OC! 😊

The page who requested this DM'ed me details of their OC, so I'll write some major points of their OC in a list below so there's a general idea of who I'm writing.

~Under the cut~

The OC:

To begin with, her name is Mary.

She's a human with witch ancestry, and is roughly 164 cm or 5 ft 4 in.

Since coming to Eldarya, she's learned to control electricity. This can be used as a weapon. It can be pooled to be thrown as a bolt, or it can be charged into another object without her even touching it. This ability also reflects her emotions a bit - if she’s feeling anxious, tense, or scared she may accidentally end up shocking someone who touches her.

She can talk with animals/companions. She’s their voice in a way, and she speaks for them when they need something said but can’t say it themselves. This comes from a mind-link with them, and through this link she can also control them and their actions.

Occasionally she receives premonitions because of her ancestry. Mary can’t control this ability, it comes at random times, but it can still warn her of future events.

Personality - Mary can be considered the mother of the group, with a bit of a dirty mind. She cares deeply for those who are close to her but isn’t afraid to give them a sharp scolding if they worry her seriously. She’s pretty quiet, but not shy, and while she’s wary of strangers she can quickly warm up to them. Her mind-link to animals has helped her grow to love these creatures in time, and she’s very protective of them and her friends/family. Mary isn’t afraid to fight for her beliefs and what she feels is right, she likes to be modest but isn’t afraid to be the center of the attention in a time where she needs to put her foot down. However, she does understand that people can change, and will give others a second chance - and even advocate for them - if they show sincere regrets for their mistakes.

Now that that's settled, I'll get to the headcanons (and I added an extra scenario because I had a great idea).

Lance's relationship with Mary:

Oh, where to start?

In his lifetime, Lance has learned that you need to appreciate the people who are true with themselves and others, and who stand by you even when it might be better or easier for them not to. He tries his best to be as useful to the guard as possible - to make up for everything he's done - so when she comes to him, noticing that he's been running himself a bit too hard some days, and tells him to take a break and says that she's worried for him, he listens.

He fights a bit at first; he’s not used to having such a caring figure watch over him, but in time he realizes that she acts like this to show she cares. He’ll soften up then, slowly learning the best ways to comfort her worries for him and give genuine apologies when he fails to show that’s he’s truly alright after her concerns run rampant. She just wants him to be alright and know she cares.

Lance admires her adamance in fighting for what she feels is right, and even further appreciates her fearlessness in opening up to him and trusting him early on when he was proving to her that he had changed. Frankly, he expected her to take many months, perhaps years, before accepting that he had changed from his past ways, and was delightfully surprised when he found that she actually was beginning to believe it early on. She had no reason to doubt, though - many weeks had passed and he continuously proved that he’s changed for the better, so while she was cautious (her mother didn’t raise a naive fool), she kept an open mind on the topic and let his actions and words speak for himself.

He’s happy to stand beside her on topics that they share a common opinion on, talking and debating new reasons as to why they feel this way or that - and although they’re open-minded to other’s opinions on the matter, when they’re faced with a time where opinions can shape something permanently and it seems a mistake is about to be made, they won’t hesitate to argue their points. With that being said, they’re very careful to be sure that they aren’t misleading anyone, but there are certainly some things that they know to be right and they will readily fight alongside each other to enforce that the right decision needs to be made.

However, most of the time they’re pretty quiet. They like the modesty of carrying on daily tasks and (for Mary, at least) hanging out with friends. Mary doesn’t like to make a scene for no reason, and Lance genuinely loves that he doesn’t need to worry about her starting drama around the guard that superiors will need to deal with. Their temperament around each other is truly relaxing, knowing that the other won’t randomly burst out screeching information that shouldn’t be stressed.

Some of the most fascinating things for Lance, however, are the fact that she can speak with animals and control electricity. These are the topics that he likes to observe her doing.

He’ll spar with her every now and again - just to make sure she can still defend herself to his standards - and will receive a nasty surprise when he’s nearly struck with a thunderbolt that scorches the ground next to him - not meant to hit him, just meant to remind him.

“Lance, really, I think I’m fine. Even the most powerful warriors can��t stand to electricity.” She’ll faintly laugh at his semi-shocked expression. He forgets every now and again that she can do that.

However, she has had moments of anxiety that really shock him... literally. She'll be anxious or nervous about something, pacing around restlessly, and he'll try to hold her comfortingly... only to receive a nasty zap the instant his fingers brush her skin. She'll apologize profusely, only feeling worse at the fact her ability hurt him, but he'll pay no mind and still take her in his arms. He'll endure the pin pricks if it means he can help calm her down.

He takes her premonitions seriously as well. Every once in a while she’ll dream of something so vivid, so rational and realistic, that she just can’t ignore it. Usually she’ll keep her mouth shut on most of her dreams if they don’t bother her to the point of needing comfort, but sometimes there’s just this need for Lance to know. He’ll listen - he won’t ever deny her a comforting shoulder to lean on when she needs to talk - and his jaw will nearly drop every time it turns out that her dream turns into reality. This is far and few in between, but it does happen, and Lance - having quickly learned many lessons with her - will take these dreams heavily into account and try to plan accordingly. Sometimes a dream is just a dream, of course, but they've recognized tell tale signs to point when a dream may be different.

There’s some bittersweet warmth that takes over him when he sees her talking to the creatures of Eldarya, knowing that he nearly destroyed all of that and, fortunately, failed. Her bond with these animals is so strong that some days he wonders if there’s more than just a mind-link, perhaps some sort of spiritual-link as well, but he could never be truly sure.

He was certainly surprised the first time it happened, though, when he was merely thinking bemusedly that she was just talking to a small woodland creature to be cute.

“She says the plant is dark green with red tipped leaves - big leaves, bigger than your hand. It’s that way.” She points in a direction.

Lance pauses and looks with her, his mind suddenly whirring so fast he nearly suffers whiplash, and doesn’t speak for many moments as his stare remains glued to her, minor hints of fear and shock lacing his expression.

“What? That’s what she said...” Mary is suddenly minorly off-put - nothing is more terrifying than when Lance doesn’t know how to react to a situation.

“The... the plant... she... how???” He doesn’t exactly know what he wants to ask.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I have a mind-link with animals, I can speak with them through thought.” She continues to apologize as Lance suddenly heaves a relieved breath.

He truly thought his partner had went crazy for those moments.

“So this way?” “Yea.” “Ok.” “Hey, we really need to find this plant to study it, it might be dangerous. I need you to bring us to it.”

The woodland critter pauses for a moment, looking deep into her eyes as she links their mind, and then scuttles off in the direction of the plant.

Lance pauses again, the same blank, semi-fearful-shocked expression having returned as he watches the creature, Mary following close behind.

“It’s more polite to ask where it is rather than take control of the mind to see where we need to go, but smaller creatures don’t always understand the ideas of ‘show us’.” She says semi-guiltily as she passes by, knowing she accidentally left him in the dark on a lot of this ability.

“I... sure.” He follows as well. He’ll need some time to ponder over this before beginning the questions.

Lance grows very used to this in time, and even specifically asks her to come with him on forest expeditions sometimes if animals could help him find his objective, but it certainly was a shock when he first learned of it.

Their relationship is serene, they have minimal arguments and, frankly, when they do argue it’s more of a debate, and they enjoy spending time with each other doing subtle things. Every now and again they’ll enjoy an adventure (usually of Lance’s suggestion), and these adventures always yield entertaining, enjoyable results, but at the end of the day they also heavily enjoy the calm of life. It takes a while for Lance to settle into Mary’s quirks and habits, but he never regrets for even a day allowing himself to be close to her. She brightens his life in multiple ways, providing comfort, entertainment and support to him, and he seeks to return that as much as he’s given it.

Extra scenario:

(I theorize that Lance adopted Floppy and I will fight Beemoov on this if needed!)

“Oh great Oracle she’s still so adorable!”

Mary softly squeaked the words as she leaned down to watch the Musarose scuttle around the desk her nest was placed on. It had been a long while since she had last seen Floppy, the last time being sometime before the White Sacrifice, but she was still so freaking cute.

Floppy stopped and looked up at her, twitching her tiny pink nose before returning to scurrying across the wood. The little creature fled back into her nest for a moment, hidden from sight, before re-emerging and scuttling to the other end of the desk where nesting material for Musaroses lay in a wooden box. She scrambled onto the edge and took a small bunch in her maw before dashing back to her nest, disappearing again into the small hole entrance.

“A little more in the corner there...” A quiet, feminine voice echoed in Mary’s mind, and she reached over to the box of bedding, gently - to avoid crushing the soft material - pinching a bit of the bedding between her fingers before bringing her arm back.

Floppy poked her head back out again, preparing for another mad dash across the desk, before pricking her round ears and ambling out of her nest to settle in front of Mary. Mary brought her hand down to Floppy and small pink paws grappled in the air to receive the bedding.

“Thank you.” The feminine voice whispered again as Floppy blinked at her before she turned and slipped back into her nest.

Mary smiled as she stood up straight and looked towards Lance, who was seated at the edge of his bed. He was slouched forward, his elbows resting on his knees while he fiddled with his hands restlessly, his gaze fixed intently on Floppy’s nest.

“Thank you for letting me see her again. I had wondered what happened to her...” Mary spoke gently as she walked with quiet footsteps towards Lance, choosing to sit next to him so she could observe Floppy as well.

“Of course.” He responded with a small smile and a glance at her before looking to the floor.

Mary recognized that something seemed off about Lance as she studied him - he was pretty resigned at the moment. She realized that Lance wasn’t usually overly energetic, but he certainly wasn’t this sedated on average.

Floppy emerged from her nest another time and bounded over to the box of bedding, resting her front paws on it and trying with all of her greatest might to nudge the box.

“Done. Lance, done.” The voice whispered in Mary’s mind again, and she was about to open her mouth to relay Floppy’s words when Lance stood and sauntered over to the desk.

Floppy leaped at his hand as he closed the lid, missing and disappearing with a poof into the bedding instead.

“Floppy.” The quietest of laughs escaped him as he reached his hand into the bedding to pull the Musarose out. She shook herself off while he continued to close the lid with his other hand.

Mary smiled again and joined his side by the desk, resting a hand on the box with intentions of putting it back for him. However, Lance rested his hand gently on her wrist as he noticed, turning to look at her with soft eyes and a small, affectionate tilt of his lips.

“I got it.” He said.

Floppy scrambled onto the desk as Lance picked up the box and headed towards a chest placed alongside another wall of his room, while Mary stood still by the Musarose. They both watched Lance for a moment as he crouched down and opened the chest, hesitating to put the box inside.

“The box belonged to Valkyon.” Mary turned to look at Floppy, who was crouched on the desk, as she started to speak through the mind link.

“Oh?” She spoke quietly. Mary was sure that Lance could still hear everything she might say, but she still spoke in a quiet tone for the sake of discretion.

“The box reminds Lance of his brother, but he refuses to get rid of it. He really misses him.”

Mary stared at Floppy for a moment before turning to look at Lance again. He was tracing his thumb over a small etching in the wood that she could faintly make out. A ‘v’... ‘a’... ‘l’... ‘y’... Was that Valkyon’s name carved into the wood?

“He does this a lot when he’s reminded of him. I miss him too, so I try to comfort him. I’m not sure if it works, but I just want Lance to know that I miss him too, and that I’m sure Valkyon isn’t angry. He always spoke so highly of his brother in his memories, and even when he found out that he had to fight Lance he still loved him so much. He just wanted his brother to feel better...”

Mary didn’t know what to say. She knew as well that Valkyon wasn’t angry, and that Lance heavily missed his brother. Did Lance know that Floppy felt all this as well? Did he know that Floppy can tell when he’s in agony and tries to comfort him?

Lance set the wooden box into the chest and closed it, standing up and beginning to shuffle around a few things on another desk next to it. He says nothing but the sloping of his shoulders and the way he hangs his head tells that he’s burdened by thoughts.

“Valkyon always hoped that his brother was alive; he never stopped searching for him and went to many extremes to try and track him. I don’t think Lance knows how much he meant to Valkyon, even after Valkyon realized he had been fighting his brother the whole time. I just wish he knew this, I think it would comfort him, knowing that his brother will love him no matter what...”

Mary looked at Floppy again and the Musarose turned to meet her gaze. Both were silent, and Mary had a feeling that the small creature wanted her to do something. Little did Floppy know, Mary already was planning on how to tell this to Lance. She knew the companion wouldn’t have told her all of this in such detail, while Lance is in such pain, unless she meant for her to do something about it.

Her gaze returns to Lance as he turns and heads towards them again, reaching gently for Floppy. She extended her tiny legs into the air to reach for his hand and claw her way up to stand and look at him. He pet her a few times with his thumb, holding her close to his chest, before setting her down again near the entrance to her nest. One hand was set on the desk to allow himself to lean while Floppy scurried over and around his other hand, a whisper of a smile resting on his face and a distant look in his eyes...

“You know... Floppy misses him too.”

Lance flicked his gaze over to Mary as she began to speak, who watching the Musarose clamber about.

“She knows when you’re reminded of him, and she doesn’t want to see you in pain. She knows that Valk doesn’t want you to be in pain either...”

His gaze fled to an empty section of the desk, bowing his head. Mary took just a small step closer to him.

"Lance-" He refused to hear it; he couldn't hear it.

Mary reached a hand out to rest on his shoulder as she began speaking, but he backed away, unable to meet her gaze, and sauntered to the window. Lance felt his throat constrict and pain prick at his chest as he rested both hands on the windowsill and bowed his head; this was all his fault, he didn't deserve comfort.

Mary refused to give up though, Lance needed to hear this. He needed to know that, while he had done some terrible things, he always was and still is loved dearly. She quickly trod after him, Floppy dashing along the desk and over other furnishings to keep her important role in this, and, although she knew he wouldn't take too gracefully to this, rested her hand on his arm and stood close by him.

“Valk never stopped looking for you, he always believed you could still be alive. He spent so much energy trying to find a possible lead on you... and he always spoke highly of you.” Mary spoke in a gentle tone as she watched his expression, carefully testing her words to assure she didn’t distress him too much. She glanced over at Floppy, who was sitting on the windowsill on Lance’s other side.

“Valk always believed him in. He always believed that Lance was still good.”

“Valk always loved you and he always believed in you, even after knowing what you had done.”

Watching as Lance’s blue eyes grew misty as he stared through the window, Mary knew she was getting to him. She glanced at Floppy again as the companion nudged closer to rest her fore-paws on Lance’s wrist and sniff at him.

“Floppy knows when you have moments where you miss him... she knows how much Valk loved you, and she wants you to know that even though he isn’t here anymore, she is and she can love you for him.”

Lance shut his glassy eyes at this, tilting his head down, before opening his eyes just the slightest to look at Floppy with a tragic look on his face. The Musarose curled her tail over his hand and looked up at him as though he was her whole world. He breathed a shaky breath and spared a bittersweet smile at her.

Mary pressed herself gently against Lance, bringing both her arms around him to pull him closer. He didn’t resist, turning to face her and pull her into a tight hug with one hand on her nape and the other around her waist as he buried his face in her neck. She could swear she felt a bit of moisture near her neck as Lance stifled a heaving breath.

Floppy joined as well, leaping onto Mary’s clothing and crawling upwards until she could settle against Lance’s neck, where she laid gripping his shoulder armor as to not lose balance and fall.

“Lance...” Mary wanted to say something more to comfort him, but she couldn’t bring anything to mind that would help this situation. Anything further would just break Lance, and she didn’t want to destroy the moment that was being shared. She resigned to just holding Lance in a gentle and loving grasp as he held her like she was his last lifeline.

After the passing of many minutes, Lance eventually regained control of his breathing and loosened his grasp to avoid suffocating her. As he adjusted his grip, wrapping both his arms completely around her tiny frame, only one thought could run through his mind and be spoken:

“Thank you.”

Hmm. I feel like I deviated from Mary’s personality a bit with the short-story/scenario as it required her to be a bit pushy, but I suppose a trait of being a motherly person is not being afraid to put someone in a bit of distress if it’s something they need to hear to feel better in the long run.

I hope you liked this overall! This was my first time writing with a specific OC, which turned out a lot harder than I originally thought and hence why it took so long, but I think I did well!

Have a request? Ask them here!

But first, please read the rules list for asks!

#eldarya #eldarya lance #Eldarya Lance ane #eldarya lance headcanons #eldarya lance scenarios #fenristheorem writing #askfenris

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chibivesicle · 4 years

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Golden Kamuy chapter 243: OgataOgataOgataOgataOgataOgataOgataOgataOgataOgata

Oh yes, finally some much awaited Ogata backstory! Ah, I feel alive again - well that and I can finally work half days which is a vast improvement from working from home in a make-shift office in a spare room which includes my cat’s litter box. This is a dense chapter, so I’m going to analyze it alone and also - Ogata.

Chatper 243 is titled “Superior Privates” and it clearly is setting up conflict between Usami and Ogata. We have Usami’s face framed by Tsurumi and Ogata as the men tattooed on his face running but never able to meet.

I have to admit it took me a bit of staring at it to get the joke. I also think there is a Captain Tsubasa reference in here as it looks like they are playing soccer, but that is a series that I know little about.

The title page also has a rifle and a hammer and a horse in the background implying the vastly different ways that Ogata and Usami have for killing other people or living things.

The chapter starts out with Usami using his *ahem* rather intimate method for trying to find the serial killer while Kikuta tries to make small talk with him. He remarks on how Usami’s methods are odd and it leads him into mentioning Ogata. He states how he thought that there was something wrong with the superior privates. Kikuta says this calmly and his eyes are shaded a bit and his eyes are narrow. I think Kikuta is trying to get a rise out of Usami or see how he really feels about Ogata. Usami is not happy that Kikuta has put him in the same category of weird with Ogata, he doesn’t want to be lumped in the same category as Ogata. Now keep in mind that we are reading an English translation so that is what I have to work with but Usami both refers to him as a bastard and I get the feeling that it is both a literal and a descriptive way that Usami feels about Ogata. He even uses very interesting language of ‘snot-nosed spoiled little punk’ which in English implies that Ogata has much more in common with Koito as it reads to me that Usami sees him as a spoiled rich kid (something that we know Ogata certainly was not).

Kikuta seems to partially ignore Usami’s statement and continues to state that he was the best marksmen in the 27th and that Tsurumi gave him ‘special attention’. Again, this statement seems to be baiting Usami and he quickly and angrily responds yelling that Ogata was just a glorified walking firearm, and he’s Tsurumi’s number one.

This leads Usami to give Kikuta information to prove that he’s better than Ogata and that Ogata is not important. I read this exchange to be an expression of Usami’s jealousy of Ogata and he is here to set the ‘record’ straight. This is interesting as we know that Kikuta was working with Ogata for some time as they were the ‘Russian’ kidnappers of Koito in 1902 in Hakodate. Usami must know that Kikuta and Ogata worked together, but we still don’t have a time when either of them joined the 27th.

Anyways, Usami brings up 2nd lt. Yuusaku Hanazawa and he reminds Kikuta that he died during the battle of the 203 Hill. Which he then transitions to when Ogata was recovering in Otaru from being beaten up by Sugimoto and dumped into the river. Ogata is in bed, he’s groaning and he says Yuusaku-sir which is one way to translate Yuusaku-dono. So while in pain and potentially dreaming, Ogata has mentioned a very distant and respectful way to refer to Yuusaku.

This has such a strong callback to chapter 165 when Ogata has the fever dream and he links Yuusaku to Asirpa as being a pure idol for a cause.

Now let’s stop and pause here - many readers of the manga have always thought that Ogata is a cold hearted bastard who feels no remorse for killing at all. Ever since I read chapters 164 & 165, I have always felt for Ogata and I read it to be the glimpse into the fact that Ogata did have second thoughts about what he did and he had doubts and possible guilt. I started writing meta because of how strongly I felt about Ogata and I have thought that he is a very complicated and fascinating character. This scene here in 243, gives much more evidence to how Ogata feels about Yuusaku’s death, that he does feel guilty as he is haunted by Yuusaku and it makes chapter 164 and 165 make so much more sense. Keep in mind when he has his melt down on the ice floe with Asirpa, he’s haunted by Yuusaku again there so more evidence of his feelings of confusion, anger, and guilt. He wasn’t just haunted by Yuusaku in 164 and 165, he was haunted by him all the way back in the beginning of the manga’s current events timeline.

Okay, back to the flashback. Ogata isn’t alone saying his half-brother’s name in a detached fashion, but Usami is watching over him and he mocks Ogata by repeating “Yuusaku-dono” and Ogata then stares at him, now awake. It is a typical blank Ogata stare back at Usami. It is clear that Usami wants to get a rise out of Ogata from the start with his aggressive body language.

Usami then drops the ‘bomb’ that Ogata said the name of his brother that he killed and he follows it up with Ogata being a weakling. This implies that Usami sees this as an admission of guilt about Yuusaku’s death and that Usami doesn’t feel guilty about killing others.

Kikuta seems surprised that Ogata may have killed Yuusaku and Usami is certain based on the fact that Ogata is the only person who could snipe that accurately. This implies that they actually performed an autopsy on Yuusaku which I do find curious as they were in the middle of a trench warfare situation. But I am no expert on battlefield autopsies. I would have thought that they didn’t pay much attention since, well they were in the middle of a battle but perhaps the fact that he was an officer they felt it was more important to at least note how he died.

This then leads to an interesting comment from Kikuta. He makes it clear that Ogata would have no reason to kill him and he follows up with the fact that they seemed to get long well. The next panel is a flashback with Yuusaku trying to be friendly with Ogata and he’s literally trying to merge with the wall to escape his attention. Now when I first saw the raws and read two rough translation from @goldenkamuyhunting and inori, I was like, seriously? Come on Kikuta the body language is so obvious that Ogata wanted nothing to do with Yuusaku.

So I dug around to find a similar type of panel for a character’s expression in profile like Kikuta and I came back to this one here. We have Ogata hallucinating Asirpa as Yuusaku as he looks stressed and a bit deadpan but he’s definitely surprised by what he’s seeing.

When I then look at Kikuta’s expression, I think he’s also surprised at the obvious fact that Ogata is not happy with Yuusaku. Therefore, I think Kikuta is lying to Usami. He knew that Ogata was uncomfortable with Yuusaku but plays it cool when talking to Usami at this moment.

There is also this helpful tweet from Sei Kobiyama:

He highlights that the fact that Ogata uses such formal language with Yuusaku also shows a clear separation of Ogata from Yuusaku. Keep in mind that in 103, it was stated that Yuusaku would refer to Ogata as “older brother” while we know 100% now that Ogata called him “Yuusaku-dono”. This shows that both men were defining their relationship based on their own prerogative. Ogata never saw Yuusaku as a brother, he kept the relationship professional. Yuusaku wanted an older brother and thus he used the language towards Ogata to make their relationship familial.

Therefore, I think that KIkuta is smart enough to read between the lines and see that the brotherly relationship was one way and unrequited. I know you are clever man Kikuta, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and that you are playing Usami in this conversation.

Usami continues to explain to Kikuta why he believes that Ogata killed Yuusaku. The flashback goes back to the battle for the 203 Hill. This is directly after the flashback from 165 when Ogata is sniping Russians from the trenches and Tsurumi approaches him and updates him that there is a new plan. He is to not kill Yuusaku as he is an inspiration to the men in battle as a flag bearer. Ogata replies to Tsurumi as he uses the bolt action to eject the expired shell as he blankly replies to Tsurumi.

Chapter 243 starts off with this scene where Noda copy-pasted Ogata into the trench from 165 but added Usami in. Usami is asking Ogata if Tsurumi told him that it is better for him to not kill Yuusaku. This means that Usami was also aware of the original plan to kill Yuusaku along with Ogata. What is interesting is that Usami then repeats that Tsurumi used the lines that “if Yuusaku is out of the picture Hyakunosuke’s father will show him love” and via Hanazawa’s love for Ogata, the 27th can control Hanazawa. Usami adds in that this is a boring option; I find this hard to read as is he thinking Ogata controlling Hanazawa is boring or if this is how Usami is expressing his jealousy that Ogata is required to control Hanazawa thus giving him more Tsurumi love.

Ogata replies that Tsurumi has decided to use Yuusaku’s role as a pure idol as a way to inspire the men in battle. Ogata looks reflective as he says this, he clearly understands the power of an idol such as Yuusaku and this is before he has his conversation with Yuusaku on the battlefield.

Usami clearly disagrees with Ogata’s read on Yuusaku, he angrily states that he’s just using his father’s position to gain respect from others and he already hopes that Tsurumi doesn’t give him more glorification that he deserves. Keep in mind that 164 was when Ogata tried to get Yuusaku to destroy his purity by having him visit with a prostitute in a brothel but it failed. Tsurumi read this as an indication of Yuusaku’s purity and his nobility, which Ogata clearly disagrees with. Ogata had first hand evidence of Yuusaku’s attempt to fulfill his father’s wishes.

What is interesting is that when Usami speaks to Ogata, his back is to him and we see Ogata’s eye from under the hood of his cloak and then we see Ogata frowning just a bit as his eyes look rounder than normal. I really think that Ogata at least is beginning to observe that Yuusaku’s purity may be a part of his character but he’s still unsure if he’s doing it as a dutiful son or if he’s doing it for himself.

The flashback jumps to sometime later and we see Ogata having a conversation with Usami. At this point in time, Ogata is stating a hypothesis that Yuusaku is presenting a false image of himself. He states that if the false front is removed, Yuusaku will be shown to be the same as everyone else, and Tsurumi will change is mind about him as an idol of purity. Ogata states that everyone is the same deep down. He then asks Usami if he feels bad when he kills a Russian solider and Usami replies that he doesn’t. Ogata continues with the rationalization that those who die on the battlefield die b/c of their own fault, that they are inept and therefore they die and Usami just agrees again with this statement.

The bottom right panel is more important as it shows that Ogata is setting up his ‘test’ for Yuusaku with Usami, you see Ogata to the right, Usami to the left and a third figure being dragged between them. It looks like Noda made a goof in the final panel as Ogata’s hood is now down on his cloak but it was clearly up right before then.

Ogata continues his verbal thesis as he states that the love from one’s parents doesn’t change how you turn out. Usami agrees. Usami came from a 100% loving and friendly household and he’s our most twisted member of the 27th. Ogata came from a completely broken home and he tries to rationalize that is why he can kill. This allows Ogata to state that, he’s correct and if he and Usami are the same despite different household he’s not strange.

Some period of time passes and Ogata goes to find Yuusaku and test him with the Russian POW. This means that we need to recall what happened in chapter 165 where Ogata brought Yuusaku to the POW here. I always wondered who else was involved in this ‘test’ as Ogata does not look like the kind of guy who could carry a Russian POW to a random place to hide him and stage him for Yuusaku to encounter.

With his hood heavily drawn and no longer wearing his military cap, Ogata asks him if he’s killed a single person. This leads to Ogata’s observation that Yuusaku doesn’t even use his sabre which other flag bearers will fight with in battle. Ogata asks if he’s using his position as an excuse so that he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty by killing.

Yuusaku is clearly nervous about this accusation. Is this actually in part the truth of Yuusaku’s own personal beliefs? This leads to the ultimate Ogata ‘test’ he asks him to kill the POW. Note that Yuusaku refers to Ogata as brother while we know that this entire time Ogata is using Yuusaku-dono again showing the gulf between them. He questions if Yuusaku is trying to stay innocent by using his position and he presses him that he wants to see him kill him.

This is then repeated with Usami narration on page 7. The text box is Usami stating that Yuusaku was truly pure and we see Yuusaku walk away from Ogata.

We have to remember between Ogata handing the bayonet to Yuusaku and then Yuusaku leaving a LOT more happened. Yuusaku explains that he’s upholding the role that his father told him that he must play. That he must go above and beyond the expectations of most flag bearers. It is his job to alleviate the inevitable guilt that soldiers will feel as a result of their actions. Ogata questions his statement about guilt and that people only act like they feel guilty. This reply makes so much sense as we now know that right before this happens, Ogata was talking with Usami about how all people are the same deep down. It doesn’t matter if they came from a loving family or a broken family, they are the same and that they can kill and NOT feel guilt.

Ogata’s statement that everyone is the same as me, is with the huge caveat that Usami says he’s the same as Ogata. This conversation ends with the incredibly awkward brotherly hug of one direction. Yuusaku looks like he’s even crying from his left eye has he embraces Ogata, while he stands there unresponsive. Yuusaku is certain that Ogata does have feelings and will feel guilty and he emphasizes that he’ll understand one day.

The hug scene ends with Ogata blankly staring off as Yuusaku hugs him and we can see a small foxhole in the trench that we saw before.

Going back to 243, we see Ogata address what first appears to be no one (clearly not the Russian POW) and it reveals that Usami was in the bunker/foxhole the entire time! This means that Usami witnessed the full awkward brotherly hug and the statement from Yuusaku that people must feel guilt over killing.

Ogata then states that if he kills Yuusaku and it shows that his father loves him, it will demonstrate that Yuusaku could have become just like Ogata. And he asks if Usami agrees with him. Of course, Usami emerges from the bunker to state that he completely agrees with Ogata as the Russian POW still remains hog tied between them. We get the final panel of Yuusaku collapsing on the battlefield.

The conversation returns briefly to the present as Usami tells Kikuta that Hanazawa instead became depressed over the loss of his legitimate son and never even bothered to look up Ogata. The next statement is unclear to me, “So he was feeling all miserable and upset because Yuusaku died while he was still pure and good.” This could be about how Hanazawa felt, but it could also refer to Ogata, and that Ogata was upset as he was never able to prove that Yuusaku wasn’t pure. Or is this referreing to both Hanazawa and Ogata making their responses to Yuusaku’s death the same?

After this is said, Kikuta decides that he doesn’t have time for this and leaves Usami behind to lay on the ground in the afterglow.

Usami then thinks more about his conversation with Ogata in the hospital. He tells Ogata that he knows he’s involved in the rebellion in the ranks and that he’s one of the people who has been stirring up discontent.

Usami inquires if it has to do with Ogata’s role in the death of Hanazawa. Usami can’t see how Tsurumi could do something that makes him unhappy.

Usami’s recollection then reveals that he was the carriage driver when Ogata met up with Tsurumi after he killed Hanazawa and staged the body. We see Usami biting his lip seething with anger as Tsurumi dotes upon an unemotional Ogata. This the leads to more information, at somepoint, Tsurumi gets out of the carriage and leaves Usami and Ogata alone. Tsurumi damn well knew he was able to rile Usami up, just like what happened with Usami and Tomoharu at the dojo.

Usami then quotes Tsurumi, “You’ve been left behind Ogata, so I’m sure everyone will support you.” this leads Usami to ask Ogata if his goal is to become the leader of the 7th and if this was the reasn he agreed to be the member of the 27th to kill Hanazawa. This implies that Usami at this point in time thinks that Ogata wanted the power and status of becoming the next Hanazawa of the 7th.

Interestingly, Ogata stated that he accepted the job because he had to ask Hanazawa things before the end. This implies that Tsurumi’s plan to kill Hanazawa could have gone to others in the 27th and knowing that Hanazawa was a marked man, Ogata’s opportunties were liminted to get his own personal questions answered.

What is interesting is we see here now in 103 that Ogata’s mindset about children is different than his previous conversation with Usami. First off, Hanazawa tries to rationalize that how Ogata responded to his mother’s mental illness was the same that Hanazawa felt towards her. We know that her mental status was already poor around the time that she gave birth to Ogata and Hanazawa never came back for her. Ogata then highlights that children can’t choose their parents. His theory has shifted that if love exists, he is a child who grew up lacking love and therefore he’s lacking something fundamental and it is unrelated to social status.

This is different than what he had when he spoke to Usami. At that time Ogata felt that he and Usami were the same, they could both kill regardless of the fact that he grew up lacking the love of his parents when Usami was clearly loved. After Yuusaku’s death, Ogata’s opinion changed, he now sees himself in a different category than Usami. His words make it clear that he, himself is lacking something fundamental due to his upbringing.

He uses this as the transition to reveal that he shot Yuusaku on the battlefield with the intention of getting Hanazawa’s attention. Ogata wonder if this was an event that might allow his father to love and accept his other son.

This lead to what is one of the most bittersweet panels of the entire manga where he asks if there was a ‘blessed path’ for himself as well.

Hanazawa makes it quite clear that Ogata is ‘lacking something [fundamental]’ and that he should go to hell. Hanazawa’s dying statement is pretty clear, if he could kill his mother, his brother and now Hanazawa he was a broken individual who lacked love.

With time and perspective, this confirms for Ogata that he is lacking something fundamental. He was able to get the words from his own father thus creating a self-fullfilling conclusion.

What this does tell us, is that Ogata wanted answers more than anything. He’s an intelligent man and all of these flashbacks are beginning to show how he’s trying to rationalize who he is, how he became the adult that he is.

So when we return to this part of the page, it makes so much more sense. Ogata had to ask Hanazawa questions before Tsurumi made sure that he was dead. Usami then immediately thinks that this is a power play on Ogata’s part to get more attention from Tsurumi. Usami is thinking “Ogata volunteered to kill his own father - he clearly wants Tsurumi’s love!”

Ogata replies after a brief hesitation that this is not the case. Usami just looks at Ogata with his angry rabbit face.

Usami decides to stir the pot more and he tells Ogata the true purpose of why Tsurumi wanted Hanazawa dead, the Manchurian Railway (Mantetsu). Usami then decides to try to rile up Ogata by saying that Tsurumi didn’t want Ogata to kill him so that Ogata would be in Tsurumi’s good books but that Ogata’s father was preventing Tsurumi’s own plans in regards to the Manchurian railway.

Usami then thinks back to when he approached Ogata in the hospital as he tries to rationalize why Ogata was a part of the rebel element. He thinks Ogata is upset that he killed his father to gain Tsurumi’s love, to show his loyalty, but instead Ogata was just a simple tool to allow Tsurumi’s plans for the Railway to proceed.

Usami tries his best to rile Ogata - he killed Yuusaku and he didn’t gain his father’s love, he killed his father but didn’t gain Tsurumi’s love. Therefore, Ogata is bitter and angry and full of spite since no matter what Ogata has done, no one has loved him. I think that Usami is partially correct, Ogata did these actions to see if he could gain the blessed path. He killed Yuusaku to see if Hanazawa would approach him, but deep down, I still think Tsurumi ultimately wanted Yuusaku dead and I still think in a way, Ogata thought he was saving Yuusaku from being killed by another member of the 27th in the future. Say Yuusaku survived the war. It was clear as soon as he heard about Tsurumi’s plans he’d be dead.

With our new information that Ogata wanted to ask Hanazawa questions ‘before the end’ implies that again, Ogata knew that Tsurumi’s plans required Hanazawa out of the way. Ogata needs answers to his questions about the nature of his own guilt and his need to be loved and recognized. To me, by volunteering to be the person of the 27th to kill Hanazawa, it was the only way that he would be able to talk to his father. His father was a dead man walking with Tsurumi’s plans and if say Tsukishima had killed him instead, he would have been left wondering if the ‘blessed path’ would open up for him as a result of his father recognizing him. That fact that Hanazawa completely ignored Ogata’s existence after Yuusaku’s death clearly bothered Ogata and he needed to hear those answers. It is terrible that he could only get his answers in such an extreme situation but it was Ogata’s only option and if there is something Ogata is, it is hyper-rational.

Usami tries to push Ogata further by tearing him down as he explains why Ogata became a traitor. He states that he’s a “piece’ in Tsurumi’s game, just like Koito is a “piece”. Thanks to inori for clarfying on discord that the translation refers to them as shogi pieces; as shogi is similar to chess, I think it is safe to make a leap that this implies that members of the 27th are pieces with different abilities and therefore, some are more useful and valuable while others are less valuable. Usami really goes for the hurt by comparing Ogata with Koito as we know that Koito and Ogata never got along even when Koito was a young officer in training. He thinks that Ogata’s ego got the better of him and this is why he became a traitor. He says that his ‘overwhelming’ love became ‘overwhelming’ hate and he states that Ogata knows exactly what he means and he sees Ogata for what he is. This is interesting as we know that Ogata has changed his opinion on love and around the time that he killed Hanazawa he didn’t believe in ‘love’ as a concept. It is clear that Usami never realized that this shift occured in Ogata’s thinking.

Ogata finally whispers something in Usami’s ear that we don’t know. Ogata then smile as he replies to Usami’s shogi [chess] anology. He calls Usami’s hypothesis a delusion and if they are to see members of the 27th as shogi/chess pieces, Usami is the cheapest piece on the board. Ogata’s insult likely means that Usami is a simple pawn (or whatever the shogi equivelent of a pawn is, I should know this after watching “March comes in like a Lion” but it clearly didn’t stick in my brain). If we are to follow a chess/shogi example, I’d say that Ogata’s interpretation hurts Usami deeply, by implying he’s a worthless pawn, he’s disposable and not important to Tsurumi.

This clearly does the trick as Usami pulls out his bayonet to stab Ogata and we see his veins on his face bulging out, a direct reference back to when he killed Tomoharu.

However, just like with the poor Russian doctor, Ogata clocks Usami in the face with a bedpan. Ogata, using bedpans to beat people in the face since ~1907.

The next page then shows us how Ogata was so effective when he escaped the hospital in Akou. He hit someone with a bedpan, and sprinted off barefoot in hospital clothing. This flashback has many parallels with what happened in the hospital. Usami refers to both Ogata and Koito as similar pieces and we learn that Usami told Ogata to investigate the Mantetsu before this happened. On Karafuto, Ogata manages to have the Russian doctor hit Koito with the revolver and he also hits Koito with it.

Usami at somepoint wakes up and another man checks in with him. Usami states that Mishima is following Ogata and it implies that Usami is smart enough to realize if he let Ogata go, he’ll lead them right to the other rebels. Usami is upset that he was called a cheap piece by Ogata. Of course I’m not surprised that Ogata knew exactly what to say to Usami to piss him off, he is always watching. Usami is not a piece, Ogata, Koito, Tsukishima those men are pieces but Usami is special.

And yes, for good measure his is the scene after Ogata called Koito a bon-bon in Russian he told him about the South Manchuria Railway and to investigate it as it would explain that Hanazawa’s death was suspicious.

Chapter 210 has Koito’s whole, I’ve connected the dots Tsukishima and Tsurumi may have been involved in Hanazawa’s death! This lead to Tsukishima revealing to him that Ogata was the one who killed Hanazawa. Just like Usami, Tsukishima projects his own issues onto Ogata’s behavior as he also thinks that Ogata became upset after he killed his father even though Tsurumi gave him exactly what he [Tsukishima] wanted.

Tsukishima also re-interates his own theory that Ogata is working as a spy for Central Command which came up during his shoot out with Ogata in Yubari.

Therefore, a really major theme is that Usami and Tsukishima both think that they know what Ogata wanted from Tsurumi with their own issues projected onto Ogata’s behaviors. It is clear from Usami’s flashback that Ogata wanted something else that we the readers know but Usami doesn’t know because he didn’t hear the conversation between Ogata and Hanazawa.

What this also shows us is that Ogata’s motivations are not what others think that they are and he clearly has his own agenda. We’ve known for sometime that he has his own agenda and now we can see it is partially driven by his own need to answer some pretty basic philosophical questions about the nature of love and how people are raised and if this is connected to the ability to kill and to feel guilt or not.

Back to the chapter, we have Usami now alone, abandoned by Kikuta, doing his ‘thing’ as he says that Ogata will come to Sapporo to interfere with Tsurumi’s plans and he’s clearly upset by it.

The chapter then wraps up with an update on Ogata’s marksmenship. Ogata sees a duck, takes aim and fires. I like how the final panel shows an emotionless Ogata pull his rifle back before the next page reveals the result.

Like any good cat, he comes bearing a gift for his current servants. He holds up the duck to display and offer to Hijikata and Ushiyama. With full on smug cat expression, he explains that he’s finally become accustomed to shooting with his left hand.

He looks like such a happy cat has he lifts the rifle off his shoulder. Hijikata then asks if this implies that the sniper has completely recovered. Ogata looks quite contimplative as he replies “No. . . .”

The answer is defined by his final full page reply.

He can only be called a sniper when he snipes a person. He’s now holding the rifle left handed indicating that he’s ready and he looks so confident.

Based on the fact that Usami predicts Ogata’s involvement in the search for Jack the Ripper, and that Ogata has now stated his ready to become a sniper again. It looks like Ogata’s sniping will begin again in Sapporo and Usami will be involved.

And with that our chapter ends.

As a card carrying Ogata fan, I was so happy to read this chapter! Ogata, I have missed you sooo much and I’ve been waiting for more background for your mysterious motivations.

1.) Ogata feels guilty about killing Yuusaku. The fact that Ogata said “Yuusaku-dono” in the hospital, the fact that he was being possessed by Yuusaku in chapters 164 & 165, the fact that when he was talking to Asirpa, he was talking to Yuusaku on the ice floe; all of these events show us that he does have feelings of guilt in regards to his actions.

However, I do not think Ogata’s guilt is because Yuusaku was his half-brother, it is clear that Ogata did not want Yuusaku’s love or attention as it likely made his already miserable life in the 27th even worse. We know that Ogata was bullied due to his status as an illegitimate child (chapter 169). From Ogata’s language around Yuusaku he saw him as a pure idol. A man who was shaped to become a pure idol by his father and he was the dutiful son that Hanazawa expected from him.

The pure idol concept is a connection that Ogata made himself between Yuusaku and Asirpa. When he wakes up from his fever dream in 165 he knows that in his mind, Asirpa is a pure idol that Wilk shaped to lead the Ainu and ethnic minority groups into the future. We as readers know that Asirpa’s personal value to not kill is something that she developed herself and it wasn’t something that Wilk told her to be or do directly. But Ogata doesn’t know this, he assumes this from his own interactions. That is why when he has his meltdown on ice he begins to talk to Asirpa like he picked up his converation with Yuusaku with the Russian POW from chapter 165. This is why Asirpa is a bit puzzled herself, Ogata is speaking her in terms that she doesn’t quite get since she is not Yuusaku but in Ogata’s mind they are cut from the same cloth and therefore in a way almost the same person.

Both Asirpa and Yuusaku were raised by important men who had a clear destiny laid out for their children. Yuusaku was the dutiful son who was placed into a ‘pure’ job as a flag bearer even though he likely knew it would result in the loss of his son’s own life. If Sugimoto can make the connection of Asirpa to Joan of Arc and he only read it in a shoujo magazine, we know that Ogata clearly knows of such examples as well and he learned enough from Kiro and Sofia about Wilk to know his motivations.

I’m guesing he may have been able to see Wilk’s conversation with Sugimoto at Abashiri before he shot him as well, Wilk flat out tells Sugimoto that he raised Asirpa to be a guerilla fighter for Ainu independence.

Or Ogata already knew this and his time on Karafuto only confirmed his thoughts. It doesn’t really matter, what we know is Ogata thought for sure that Wilk trained Asirpa to be the pure idol for Ainu independence.

What I’m really trying to hammer home is that Ogata, seeing Asirpa’s own personal code to not kill implied to him a need for her to be a pure Ainu idol, just like Yuusaku was a pure Japanese military idol.

And Ogata clearly has indicated he doesn’t like how these men groomed their children into becoming pure idols who lead others into battle. Those others lead into battle, such as himself, are supposed to feel better about their guilt of killing others as their idols remain pure. But Ogata thinks that this is utter bullshit and that there are no pure people. To cope with all of the trauma from his own life, he has to tell himself that people don’t feel guilt and that people are not that great.

Yet, the two pure people he has met both wanted to connect with him. Yuusaku wanted so much for him to connect with Ogata and be his brother. Now, Yuusaku was a next level dumbass in this regard as he clearly was making Ogata very uncomfortable, likely making his position in the 27th worse than it already was and in a way, his desire for an older brother was quite selfish.

Asirpa accepting Ogata and caring about him really throws him for a loop as she is not related to him, nor is she Japanese. Perhaps, @goldenkamuyhunting and I’s crazy idea that Ogata is mixed race may play a part of this if Ogata is part ethnic minority from Karafuto. It would make his connection to Asirpa more of a familial/genetic type again making him more uncomfortable.

Yet, it is clear that he comes to accept her attention and he clearly cares about her on some level. So when she tries to pull the same “purity” crap on him that he feels Yuusaku did he snaps. I think what started it was when she told him she “There’s not a single thing I can trust about you!” He really lost it then as all these other people have lied to Asirpa and she trusts them but the one time he lies to her she knows immediately and rejects him. And she had accepted him. It hurt him.

Ogata gets his wish when Asirpa accidentally shoots him. His twisted smile, to me, indicates that he was like “Yes, she shot me! There are no pure idols in the world. My hypothesis is correct!”

This therefore, at that point in time shows Ogata that if only Yuusaku had more time, he too would have lost his purity if given the right circumstances.

What I’m more curious is where this leaves Ogata standing in at the present in the manga. We don’t know what he was thinking after he was injured, but I’m sure there were more fever dreams and deep thoughts about philosphical contimplations about the meaning of love, purity and family in Ogata’s overactive mind.

Did Ogata escape the possession of his soul by Yuusaku in chapter 165? Or with the admission of his guilt in 243, does it mean this was a self-imposed ‘possession’ which was removed by Asirpa shooting him in the eye and he lost his sinning eye.

It is also interesting that he replies to Hijikata that a sniper needs to snipe other humans to be called such, will he actually snipe to kill or will his sniping style change with the loss of the eye and the guilt tied to it.

The fact that we still have yet to see Yuusaku’s full face implies to me that his guilt still remains and when Ogata confronts that guilt, we will see what Yuusaku actually looked like.

And this long first point is to conclude that Ogata feels guilty for killing an ‘innocent’ like Yuusaku, not because he was his half-brother but due to his commitment to what was expected of him by his father.

2.) Our interpretation of Ogata almsot always comes from another character’s interpretation of Ogata. Throughout GK, Ogata has been framed in a rather unique fashion as a character. Most of what is said and believed about Ogata is based on what other characters say about him and how they act with him.

Sugimoto sees him as a traitor and can’t be trusted, though likely it is due to the fact that Sugimoto feels that he has betrayed others and he even goes on to betray Asirpa for 200 yen to Tsurumi.

Koito first sees him as an ungrateful son, and the son of a wildcat. Therefore, Ogata is out to con others. He may also think that Ogata should love his father as a second son, because he learned that his own father (Koito Sr.) loves him as the literal second son. He later learns that Ogata killed Hanazawa and he has not given us any indication what this means to him.

Tsukishima sees him as a man who was angry at his father for hurting him. When Ogata was given the chance to kill his father, Tsukishima thought it would have given him peace and a place in the 27th to continue to live off of Tsurumi’s sweet lies.

Usami sees Ogata as an individual who wanted Tsurumi’s undevoted attention and love. Just as Usami gained love from Tsurumi through violence, he saw Ogata perform despicable acts to his half-brother and father but those did not get him Tsurumi’s love. Ogata is just like Tomoharu in Usami’s eyes, another person taking attention from Tsurumi away from him.

Tamai saw Ogata as a capable solider and reliable. Unfortunately as a member of the bear death trio we learn little else about how he saw Ogata as Noma and Oda seemed less keen on Ogata.

Hijikata knows he’s an unusual man who was under Tsurumi and as much as he deflects, he knows that Ogata has an intelligence background. He keeps Ogata as far away from him as possible and makes Ogata travel with the other groups while he tries to figure out Kiro’s background. Hijikata likely knows that Ogata has his own plans and he’s not going to tell him for sure.

What this has done for many readers of the manga is that they take what these characters say and do and use that to form what they also see Ogata to be. But really, we have a bunch of unreliable narrators telling us who they think Ogata is, not who Ogata actually is.

When we examine Ogata’s own actions independent of what everyone else thinks, we see a different picture. Ogata is an intelligent military man who pretty much calls things as they are, figures out things quickly, thinks on his feet and can command small groups of people effectively. I really don’t want to belabor this point, I’ve written tons of meta about why I think Ogata is an interesting and capable character.

3.) Ogata is a philosophical guy. This drives his interpersonal behaviors and likely is a coping mechanism with his poorly developed childish emotional maturity. The flashbacks in 103, 164, 165, 243 as well as many things that Ogata have said throughou the manga or done all point to a man who is mature as an adult but who never got beyond basic child emotions.

What is really interesting is that we see what Ogata is thinking, he asks others for their inupt, he finds more people and asks them questions which then allows him to change what he is thinking as he gets more information. He is clearly constantly thinking and changing how he feels about family, love, guilt from killing. The issue is that all of his behaviors are through a rational and logical thought process. Sadly, he is not taking his emotions into his questions since he doesn’t really know what to do with his own emotions.

We know that he does feel guilt from killing at least ‘innocent’ people and this may be where his self-control came from. Think of when he was with Nikaido trying to snipe Tanigaki. Nikaido didn’t care about Asirpa’s Huci and Osoma, but Ogata wouldn’t hurt them, he only wanted Tanigaki. His character’s behaviors scream out that he wants to be loved and accepted by someone after a lifetime of bullying but he doesn’t even know how to go about it.

4.) Usami is super messed up. I just felt that this makes a good point. Usami is fucking nuts. This chapter just gives us more information that Usami has his mindset and he sticks to it = Tsurumi loves him, he loves Tsurumi and he will be Tsurumi’s favorite. Obviously, he’s indicating there will be an Ogata encounter. Usami better be careful as Ogata’s sniping skills are back.

5.) Kikuta is likely relaying information to Ariko and Central Command perhaps. As I stated when I first read the chapter and saw Kikuta’s remark about Ogata and Yuusaku, I was like, wtf Kikuta are you blind? But then if you read the beginning of the chapter, Kikuta is gently nudging Usami to talk. He drives the entire conversation and as Usami is so emotionally invested in it, he says so much that he likely shouldn’t. This is exactly how Ogata got information out of Sugimoto when they first met in chapter 5. Both men have worked in intelligence and they easily pull information out of others before they even realize it. The fact that he asked Usami his opinion of Ogata makes me wonder if Kikuta knows more or he started asking Usami about Ogata as Ariko told him Ogata was in Sapporo with Hijikata and got injured somewhere. Ariko was shocked to see Ogata as he thought Ogata was dedicated and loyal to Tsurumi.

The fact that Kikuta literally left Usami alone in the street ‘investigating’ means he could be going to do his own intel exchange and he doesn’t have to worry about Usami snooping on him. If Usami was supposed to keep an eye on Kikuta for Tsurumi in Sapporo, he’s doing a shit job.

Well that is all that I have for now. Apologies for the long meta, but it was so interesting and I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of points.

#golden kamuy #golden kamuy meta #ogata hyakunosuke #warrant officer kikuta #tsurumi tokushirou #asiripa #hijikata toshizo #ushiyama tatsuma #sugimoto saichi #tsukishima hajime #koito otonoshin #hanazawa yuusaku #hanazawakoujiro #wilk #kiroranke

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thebraingremlinsaremad · 3 years

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Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

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