#but he does it anyway bc he is so so *so* starved for affection/attention/literally anyone to notice and care about him

[immortalled]

Slammed with a lot of feelings about how Nathan tries SO hard to find love in any shape or form that he can get it. It doesn't even matter if it's hollow, he'll take anything he can get.

That's why the fame AU episode is such a good character study. We already knew Nathan was starved for affection and, for all his antics, to be liked, but it really shows how far he's willing to go to get it.

[quirkle2]

no way, you haven't seen train to busan yet? i say you're definitely in for a ride 🤩

also hhhh ritsu finally getting his big bro back.. iwnxowmx i love them sm i rarely came across wholesome kaegbros content so thank you for your service 🛐

((i don't think anyone's ever asked this but what are zombie mob's dynamic with reigen and teru after they reunite bcs i am in need of dad reigen and angsty platonic terumob sobs ((also teru and mob's special hand shake hHHHHH SOBS))

-🪻

i have not i should watch it ! looks sick as hell :]

both reigen and teru are ... a little distant with mob as soon as they see that he's a zombie, mostly out of fear of getting bitten, but also just... genuine grief and uncertainty on how to move forward

after just a few days of spending time with him though, they both see a Lot of mob in him, and like i said in that other ask a while ago, they Start To Believe. teru is a lot quicker to warm up to mob, and a lot more willing to get near him sooner than reigen. he misses hugging mob a lot, but he doesn't dare try for a while

when he Does get comfortable touching mob, and when mob seems unbothered by it, he kinda goes full swing into it and reverts back to his old clingy self. mob never seems to mind, though he doesn't do it back except for basic hugs. and also the handshake <3

teru Is a bit starved for returned affection—he desperately wishes mob could like .. compute that and Realize that and at least Attempt to do it back. he misses talking to him, and holding conversations, and seeing him smile. teru misses his smile a lot—he doesn't seem to smile as a zombie

reigen is frankly fuckin devastated bc he's rly not one to believe in a cure (at first, anyway) and this right here feels like a Fraction of what mob used to be, so it's rly rly hard to look at the kid and not get upset about what he Could be looking at instead, had reigen had a better handle on the kageyama's whereabouts when they got separated

reigen calls him "mob" out of instinct and mob, despite going a full year without hearing that name once, instantly turns to reigen in response, attentive. he thinks it's a fluke at first, but over time as it happens again and again he realizes that Yeah, mob recognizes that name and knows reigen is talking to Him specifically, and mob is trying to listen. it's a small piece of proof, for him, that mob is there

when reigen gets more comfy with the circumstances, he settles back into old habits. he ruffles mob's hair and the first time it happens mob looks comically bemused and he like.blinks several times like What The Hell Was That but the second time he does it he seems to recall the sensation and leans into the touch

HILARIOUS to think about mob latching onto old memories, and occasionally he'll stand next to reigen and hold his hand out. and reigen kinda stares at him, a little lost as to why, and on instinct reigen just kinda puts whatever he's holding atm in mob's palms and he seems satisfied w that and simply walks away ???? idk How long it takes him to recognize that mob is holding his hands out waiting to be paid, but it's gonna be hilarious when he realizes it . his memories r rough atm so he doesn't rly remember What he's waiting for, so when reigen gives him literally anything he thinks "ah, that must be it" and carries on.

teru and reigen don't realize it, but tome and ritsu catch on quite quickly—mob actually seems happier, after the reunion ! tome mentions that shigeo seems kinda chipper lately, and more alert, more talkative. ever since seeing teru and reigen again, sections of that rusty brain have turned back online to rifle through memories, and even though it's a little hard to tell, they can see it in his eyes, The Joy

makes ritsu think a lil bit. ritsu had sorta defaulted to the idea that mob didn't recall ever being with teru or reigen to begin with, beforehand. he's not sure why he came to this conclusion—he just never rly thought abt it too hard, over everything else to consider

makes him wonder if mob had been quietly mourning teru and reigen this whole time, quietly missing them, but never having the ability to show it or vocalize it, even to ritsu. or if it's like an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing, where mob didn't rly think about them until they appeared in front of them, and now he's happy they're here. it's hard to tell

[in-tua-deep]

Are you into my hero academia? What about an AU or crossover with tua?

UHHHH I am technically, like, peripherally? I watched some seasons of the show like two or three years ago and since then have simply absorbed all content through osmosis, reading fanfiction that has canon events, and my sister telling me about the arcs of her fav characters lmao

so a crossover hmmm

First of all you'd have to like, establish whether bnha is an alternate universe or just The Future If No Apocalypse with quirks being traced back to the descendants of the kids born without mothers

So let's say it's that - the glowing baby was the "first quirk" but the truth is people had powers before that. But - well, the Umbrella Academy was obviously a marketing gimmick to those in the future! There were even comics based on them

In the future, you might find some of those comics in museum exhibits dedicated to depictions of powers in the pre-quirk era, but they're just fun depictions and much less popular than, oh, DC or MCU comics which are also in the exhibits!

End of s2 doesn't happen I guess in this au?? No sparrow academy at least lmao. So, the Umbrella Academy stop the apocalypse (again) and the Commission threat is? Neutralized? Whatever. They decide to jump back to the future

Five warns them that time travel is a crapshoot, that he has no fucking idea when they'll land beyond some nebulous "future" because Five can at least control the direction if not exactly how long

Also, Five is like. Super tired. Incredibly tired. Homeboy still has a healing gut wound, time traveled twice, has been jumping all over the place, gotten even more injured, experienced paradox psychosis, and managed to undo time all in the space of like, two weeks. There actually more than that but we don't have time to get into how fucking tired Five is from his ~Month of Hell

Like genuinely this is like putting someone almost delirious from lack of sleep in the driver's seat of a car and expecting to get to your destination in one piece

But hey, the siblings are like "do it uwu" and Five has sacrificed everything for them already so why not get behind the wheel again

So Five jumps them, and of course something goes wrong because Five has pushed his powers like a great big rubber band and honestly it was only a matter of time before he lost his grip and it snapped back to hit him

So here be the umbrella academy: spilled out into the future like a cup of bad coffee.

Five probably isn't in too good of shape tbh, like they're hundreds of years in the future (but hey at least confirmation of no apocalypse am I right) in a world full of superpowers and Five is like. bleeding from his ears and nose probably idk

Let's handwave a little bit - Reginald made them all polyglots so the squad all speak varying levels of Japanese. Allison is the best at it, Five is second best but tends to use more archaic words bc he had missions in Japan back when he was with the commission, and Klaus is third best.

(Ben is the worst bc he decided when he was 16-and-dead that he didn't have to do anything regarding lessons and maintenance and hasn't given a shit since - but also he's dead so)

So you have a bunch of weird adults with a bleeding child in like, an alley who have appeared from nowhere

so of course heroes get involved

Anyway, the squad get taken in and Five is conscious but like, barely? And he's not going to let himself get separated from his siblings again fuck-you-officer and there is a lot of confusion

anyway detective tsukauchi ends up getting involved and ends up having to hear this batshit story and be like "...truth." which sends all kinds of people scrambling because fucking time travel? Like yeah, it's been theorized to be a possible quirk but there's no recorded cases of any sort of time travel that is for more than 24 hours let alone hundreds of years

"I'm an adult." Five says sourly, "I just happened to be returned to my 13 year old body when I time traveled one time."

"True." Tsukauchi says, feeling his soul leave his body, but like. absently. the way he does when he's called in at 2am after getting off of work at midnight.

"I'm 58." Five says.

"Lie." Tsukauchi says, because this is a headcanon hill I will die on.

"I'm probably 58, but it was hard to keep track. I'm at least 50." Five corrects.

"True." Tsukauchi sighs like these six (seven? they keep referring to another sibling and Klaus said 'ghost' like that was fine and it registered as true and Tsukauchi is not nearly paid enough for this) are not giving him a migraine by just existing

on the bright side there's like, probably protocols in place for individuals who are Legally Chronologically Adults but thanks to quirks are Not Physically Or Not Mentally Adults with tests to determine if the individual needs a guardian or not

though i'm gonna be honest idk if Five would pass the test bc he literally cannot take care of himself at all, has never paid taxes or understands how to exist legally, and also his emotional maturity is stunted as all hell. also like. we don't actually know how much being in his thirteen-year-old body affects his mental state but yeAH Five is vibing

anyway Tsukauchi probably phones a friend on this bullshit because Time Travel Child alone is probably enough for the Hero Commission to be like "find a way to control and use it or nuke it from orbit" and that's not even touching whatever the fuck Klaus is doing (shit gets real once 'dead men tell no tales' stops being true) let ALONE Allison's whole deal

on the bright side like, at least Vanya isn't getting side-eyed that much bc Big Destructive Quirks aren't exactly unknown? if vanya wanted to i guess quirk suppressors exist for that until extensive training on how to control a super powerful quirk happens

Tsukauchi in the group chat: Aizawa please I am literally begging you to take this bullshit on

Aizawa: in this economy? with my class?

RatGod: lol we'll take them ;3c

Aizawa: no

Anyway they probably end up having to live at UA while Five insists on trying to get them home still and everyone else is like "oh hey we used to be child soldiers as well! (:" and Aizawa is like "i hate everything about this and everything about all of you but also like nedzu is making me interact with you so :/"

nedzu is out here vibing like "lol i just don't want the hero commission to get their little paws on these time traveling fuckers, i think you should make then teaching assistants or something"

honestly the siblings are probably like. figuring out how to function in the bnha universe and getting like, legally registered and stuff while Five ferally refuses bc that's like saying he's giving up on getting them home and he can do this

Recovery girl tries to heal him a little when he arrives and he passes out for two weeks like, immediately bc homeboy is running on fumes and spite at this point

also i think on principle it would be REALLY FUNNY if the squad got to tag along with the class bc like. Five is thirteen and the class are all 15. this does not sound like a large age gap. anyone who has interacted with teenagers know that the class would squint at Five and be like "who is this sassy lost middle schooler."

I feel like when I was a sophomore we were still like "freshman... babie" even though we were literally only one year older.

i think the difference between the umbrella academy and school kids would be pretty funny like. objectively the bnha kids are lowkey child soldiers?? like they're 15 and fighting villains but like, there's all this red tape and laws and stuff but,,, deku still be breaking his limbs in a child fighting ring against equally superpowered children for like. entertainment and sponsorships sooo

but also like Five would be like "oh cool when is the experimentation class"

"the what"

"you know, when your powers are pushed real hard by putting you in different terrible situations while your dad and sibling stand by with clipboards writing down the exact voltage it takes before you can't use your powers anymore when being electrocuted"

"hound dog's office is right there. therapy is available to you at any time. i need you to know this."

all might calls Luther "my boy" like one (1) time and Luther just breaks down crying probably because he is starved for positive attention

klaus and midnight get along like a literal house on fire, aizawa tried his best to keep them apart for as long as possible but god damn

(klaus: your name is shimura nana??

all might: immediately dies choking on blood)

i feel it absolutely necessary to point out that aizawa, present mic, and midnight are all like, 30? and the umbrella academy are all between 29-early 30s? they are PEERS but like. the umbrella academy are more chaotic due to childhood trauma

the umbrella academy probably get offered to like. also train to be heroes. i mean,, there HAS to be some sort of track for people who change careers right?? you don't have to cement your future as a hero when you're 15 i'm sure there must be something and the squad already have experience if they want to go be legal heroes

diego probably does at least?? diego just vibes honestly. diego gets momo to make knives during a team exercise and they just go feral on everyone else and it ends with diego highfiving momo and someone getting way to close to being stabbed for comfort

Five might just be. legally enrolled as an Actual Student? But also i think it's funny to picture the entire squad just. all in the back of the classroom with luther trying to fit into a high school desk as they take notes on the laws of The Future surrounding heroics

every word out of the umbrella academy's mouths just make everyone more concerned on principal but like, five and klaus are probably the worst offenders. Klaus just says whatever comes to mind with no filter and Five doesn't get what people would consider to be abnormal anymore like

Five: yeah our dad bought us when we were babies and experimented on us throughout our childhood in order to make an elite team of child soldiers superheroes, it happens

Todoroki: ...have you heard of quirk marriages?

izuku probably has an aneurism bc he's is the only person who might recognize them from the comics because you know ya boy extensively researched the idea of heroics in pre-quirk eras (batman was an inspiration alright???) and might dredge up a memory of a less popular comic series

Five: I can time travel but it is very hard, which is why we are hundreds of years in the future. And why I look like a child.

Kaminari: so are you a kid or not?

Five, serenely: whatever is most convenient for me at any given moment

Mina: hell yeah game the system

they have a brief lesson on astronomy and Luther raises his hand like "ooh! i was isolated on the moon for four years and did SO MUCH research" and then just gets up and starts infodumping like way too much information on the moon

Izuku sitting there like "damn if quirks hadn't popped up we could have achieved so much in terms of space travel. please tell me more giant man who lived in pre-quirk era."

Vanya finds out about the quirkless and is like "oh mood that genuinely sounds like my childhood, being ordinary in a house full of extraordinary people, and then i found out that i did have powers but only much later in life after i had already been emotionally scarred by the experience"

deku: vanya we have so much in common

iida and uraraka: concerned noises

aizawa: hound dog. therapy with hound dog for all of you.

there's probably some conflict with like, the hero commission wanting to get their hands on the time travelers?? but probably especially five and klaus as a) time travel and b) ghosts (the hc def has bodies they would like to stay buried)

five has a pavlovian reaction to anything with 'commission' in the name and hates them on site, probably plays into his age in order to become a ward of UA or something to protect him from the commission a little bit.

(this makes nedzu Five's legal guardian. aizawa has his resignation papers all prepped in a drawer marked 'in case of emergency' but let's be real, if nedzu wants to take over the world aizawa should probably be on the rat-bear's side of things :/)

five: ah, i do recall the inhumane experimentation that we were subjected to

nedzu, who was experimented on: haha same hat! want me to dig up the location of reginald hargreeves's remains so you can spit on them?

klaus: nah no worries we dumped them out in the courtyard unceremoniously like, a while back. how long ago varies for each of us because of time travel!

luther: you said hound dog's office was down the hall and to the right?

on the bright side, Luther probably feels like. way less self conscious about his body, partially bc of his fighting and all that in the 60s but also bc !! now he genuinely doesn't feel like a freak. no one even gives him a second glance. one of the teachers looks like a slab of cement with a face. gang orca looks Like That. there is literally a student with an entire bird head and goth aesthetic. Luther does not stick out at all

allison and shinso bond over having "villainous" voice-based quirks

allison and shinso having worn muzzles at some point in their youth as punishment 🤝

aizawa probably helps train vanya as well with the whole, being able to erase a world ending quirk safely thing he's got going on which makes for a very nice safety net

i don't think vanya would want to be a hero at the end of things though. maybe the assistant teacher in the music class or something?? all vanya wants is to be able to not end the world

i feel like as time goes by, five brings up trying to get home less and less. part of that is because like,,, genuinely what do they have to go back to?? Allison has Claire, but like. I'm 100% sure the first thing she did in the future was try track down Claire's records and found out Claire was like. fine. became an adult, had a family, probably became the ancestor of the first "quirked" kids who officially popped up after light baby. had a good life, died at an old age etc. etc.

they start settling into the bnha world with like, "we can always hop aboard the five express into where the fuck ever" as a plan Z if things go completely pear shaped (again)

i'mma be real, five himself doesn't give a fuck as long as there is a) no apocalypse and b) his family is alive. Like that's it. His bar is so incredibly low and yet his life keeps fucking trying to limbo under it

i just think it would be funny to have like, Five trying to get along with his "peers" and make friends while the siblings do the same but like, in the staff room

also think it would be funny for five to just walk into the staff room and get coffee occasionally.

a teacher: why is a student in here -

Five, sipping coffee: i'm an adult

nedzu like "what kind of guardian would i be if i didn't teach my new son all the tunnels around ua so he can pop out wherever"

five like "hey new dad can i put stashes of supplies all around ua of weapons, money, food, and other assorted things that might be useful if one needed to fight or make a run for it" and nedzu is like "haha just put your list of what supplies you want in your go bags on my desk and i'll critique it later!"

anyway a bnha/tua crossover would be incredibly chaotic but probably very funny

[loving-jack-kelly]

TALK TO ME ABOUT AUS FRIEND

LET’S GO I’ve had this one for a while and I talked to @lesmizteries about it yesterday while we talked about AUs we had but I’ve never posted it! so! 

So

If you know me, follow me, have scrolled through my blog for ten seconds you know

I

love

Spot Conlon

so much

but I also enjoy giving him (progressively more) tragic backstories in every au involving him

For example, the Kayla AU, which is my go to background/modern setting for any Spot related thing

i can’t find it to link it but it was sad anyway

this one is no exception to the “let’s hurt spot to see how it affects his character” rule i seem to have adopted

so let’s go!

read more ‘cause I already know this is gonna be long

Spot!

as in most of my aus, he’s a smart guy

very smart in this case, like super genius kinda smart

but

he grew up pretty much homeless

like technically there was an apartment he could go to? but he’d rather sleep in a shelter or if it was warm outside because his dad hated him and he hated his dad

his mom was a woman who met his dad because he was a drug dealer, but she was on probation when she got pregnant and couldn’t tell anyone who’s the baby was because she wasn’t supposed to be seeing him

and then handed Spot off to his dad and said “good luck he’s yours now”

so Spot grew up in Chicago, pretty much homeless

the only useful things his dad taught him were how to read, how to beg, how to pick pockets, and how to steal

the only good person who cared about spot was Romeo, his half brother, but we’ll get into that later

anyway

when Spot was around twelve his dad packed up and moved them to new york, where it was pretty much same deal, different streets, different people

but he’s eventually like, no, i’m going to school, i’m making myself better than what i am

so he goes to school these years don’t matter as much to the story

graduates hs early

graduates college early

gets several degrees

now on with the story!

by the time he’s twenty, he’s already a semi-public figure, cause he’s a twenty-year-old genius with a bunch of degrees and he’s like Dr. Conlon

and he and one of his friends from college, Davey, have a small lab together and then everthing kinda explodes because they patent a medical machine that’s revolutionary

and they get really rich, really fast, and really public, really fast

and Spot gets really good at circumlocuting around questions about his childhood so he doesn’t have to talk about it

but every time he does, he remembers

he remembers being a tiny, hungry kid, sitting on a corner in chicago watching the rich people go past. the people with obviously fat wallets in their front pockets, in fancy suits with huge watches on their wrists, and those people were the ones who tossed him a quarter and acted like it was a hundred dollars, like a gumball would fill his stomach

and then the people a step up from him, the blue collar workers, the people who were wearing fast food uniforms, they were the ones who pulled out a nearly empty wallet and handed him five, ten, twenty dollars if they could and pointed him towards the nearest McDonald’s

and that didn’t seem right, not when he was a kid and not once he had money and could afford to help

it seemed like the people with money should be helping the most, right? they’re able to, why shouldn’t they? and yet, they don’t

and every time he thinks about it, he gets mad.

especially at the parties. god, the parties, where the rich old men are hailed as gods among men, like they do so much to help while standing in their huge mansions in front of their classical art and museum worthy statues and vases

and one night he’s at a party at the home of media giant Joseph Pulitzer, forced to watch him stand in front of a newly acquired Monet painting talking about how much it cost and everything just reaches a boiling point which leads to him planning his first heist since he was like, fourteen and raiding the school for computer stuff and food

and he grabs the painting

but then he’s like, “shit. what the fuck do i do with a huge ass monet. i don’t know any fences, i haven’t had to fence anything since i was a kid, what the fuck do i do now?” so he ends up just literally leaving the painting in a shelter and hoping for the best

and what happened was Pulitzer got the painting back unharmed but the shelter also got attention and thus funds, but that put suspicion on the shelter, which is never what Spot wanted

so he went to Chicago to meet!

Romeo!

his half brother!

runs a ring of pick pockets and petty thieves, is an all around pretty neat guy, protects the kids who work for him with his life

also knows e v e r y o n e  worth knowing in the criminal world 

so he’s like “yeah i know some good fences. Kat and Saz are the best, girlfriends, loyal to those loyal to them, can sell anything. Kat works out of New York, Saz from Paris”

doesn’t quite mention Kat is Pulitzer’s daughter? Spot finds out when he goes to meet her and can’t contain his “Katherine?!”

which leads to Katherine laughing like crazy bc

a) her father had tried to set her up with Spot

b) the tiny little super genius had stolen her father’s painting completely successfully but couldn’t figure out how to sell it

also eventually Romeo kind of accidently reveals that Davey and Saz are twins, which leads to Dave being brought in on it for the second heist

the second heist is a bust, an old, valuable bust, and several smaller things from other media giant, Hearst’s, mansion. the smaller things were fenced off and the money used to pay Kat, Saz, and Dave and to give away, and the bust was left the same way the monet was

this kept going for a while, Spot recruits Crutchie after catching his IT guy breaking into his safe and learning that he was really, really good with tech and all he wanted was enough money for he and his husband to adopt

which also led to Jack being recruited as an art forger

eventually, Race hears about them and tries so hard to contact them to help that they let him, and he’s also a thief, so Race and Spot do the actual breaking in while the others take care of the details

and somewhere along the way, they got the idea to leave a calling card, so the people trying to do what they were doing couldn’t claim they were the real thieves behind the good they were doing

and Jack noted the similarity to them and robin hood, so they left a super specific arrow behind at every scene, signed “the Merry Men”

the normal people at least kind of accept what’s going on, because most people can see that some good it being done

the rich people obviously don’t

to stay secretive, Spot even steals from himself a few times, no more or less than the other rich people

now not in every version of this au? but for your consideration:

Spot gets caught somehow

he refuses to give up anyone else and even tells Dave to essentially disown him so Dave is in charge of their labs and everything so it can keep functioning

but his trial becomes legendary because he does admit to every crime committed by the Merry Men, but he shows no remorse at all

and at first nobody comments on it, but finally somebody does, and asks him, “Do you feel bad for what you did?”

and his response is never forgotten. he leans forward, makes direct eye contact, and says quietly

“Why should I feel bad, when they continue to live rich, happy lives, minus a painting? While people go hungry on the streets, while kids freeze and starve, and they have the money to help, and they don’t? Why should I feel bad when stealing a few paintings that almost all got returned unharmed fed hundreds of people? Clothed hundreds of people? I called myself the Merry Men for a reason. Steal from the rich, give to the poor, what happened to Robin Hood being the hero? I was Robin Hood, I helped people with my machines, with my money, with my means, and by taking from those who could afford it. No, I don’t feel bad, and no, I never will. Not when I know what hunger and cold feel like, and not when I know that I helped people.”

and after that he stops talking in his trial

[steelmistsrp]

Congratulations && welcome, Divya !!  You have been accepted for the role of The Devout: Nalini Harms.  Please be sure to make a separate blog for your character&& send it into the main within 48 hours !!  Once that is submitted we will invite you to join the OOC blog && an option to join our skype chat if you should so choose !! Any triggers you (and other applicants) have submitted have been added to our trigger list.  Please be sure to read our Welcome Checklist as you begin to get started.  The Follow List && OOC page will also be updated for you once your blog has been submitted.  Thanks again for you application && we look forward to writing with you !!

Div, I knew when I was writing this skeleton you would jump at the chance, and you really developed Nalini into a great character beyond everything I’d hoped.  Every group (evil or not) needs the overly righteous voice, and you’ve nailed exactly what we were hoping to get out of The Devout.  We can’t wait to see what havoc she wrecks alongside her companions and as always we are fully prepared for the angst you’ll bring along.  Thanks && Welcome !!

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

Name: glittersatan Divya Age: 20 Pronouns: She/Her Timezone: EST in school, PST when not Activity Level: idk i’m not constantly online or talking to you or anything ;;;;;;;;   A lot

IN CHARACTER INFORMATION

Skeleton Name: The Devout Character’s Full Name: literally the hardest part of this app

Nalini – lotus, sweet nectar (so very deceptive of who she really is don’t u think? and also pretty funny bc she wants everyone to drink the kell cool aid)

Faceclaim: Deepika Padukone, who else Gender and Pronouns: female (cis), she/her Sexuality: uhhhhhh demiromantic pansexual? maybe? idk does it matter are priests allowed to get up to bedroom shenanigans in survivorism? wejustdon’tknow.gif Age and DOB: 30, born on the 30th of Marshinil in 522 (the most important part of this is for us she’s a sagittarius js) Education Level:  finished primary school and then continued with a religious education

Biography:  tw for drowning and also for muuuuuuuurder

It is the Survivor’s way to purge the world of rot and ruin with blessed fire—Nalini is living proof. As a child charmed with the fortune of the Harmed family, they were carefree and charismatic, wanting for nothing. Then, the stories of the Survivor of Hathsin and His Heir were little more than just that, stories. It was easy to both respect the doctrine of Survivorism and to put it out of her mind when more engaging things could take its place. All it took to change that was a single misstep and mere minutes of suspension.

Crossing the bridge between the Sixth and Seventh Octants while pursuing childish whims, Nalini had only just grown tall enough to peer over the bridge wall and out across the blue, blue bay. Her curiosity tugged her further—she wanted to look down into the river’s depths, but even when stretching on her toes, she wasn’t quite tall enough, so… What kid wouldn’t heave themselves up, oblivious to any danger bigger than knees and elbows scraped against rough stone? Little more than a passing biker speeding by broke her attention and offset her balance, sending her toppling over the edge. Icy water hit her so sharply she almost shrieked with the shock of it. A current yanked her down, flinging her toward the sea, the tumbling making her dizzy; the instinctual panic that froze her lungs was so strong her jaw ached from the effort of keeping it clamped shut. Then everything else ached from the effort of not breathing, but she couldn’t figure out which direction the surface was, and the entire river seemed to be darkening, her world shrinking before her very eyes. It felt odd to drown. Just before she could no longer hold her breath, Nalini thought Mother will be so disappointed if I don’t make it to church tomorrow.

The jolt of frigid water flooding her lungs was her last conscious moment underwater, her vision fading to just a pinprick of light, and then nothingness. Lucky as she was, a fisherman hauled her out of the bay onto the pier, and as she heaved up water she tried frantically to convey what she had experienced—she heard a voice, she was sure of it, soothing her and promising that everything would be alright. Only one explanation made sense to her: the Survivor Himself had spoken to her. He chose her. He saved her. He purged with fire but made believers with water. Against the odds she, too, had survived.

From then on, no argument could convince her that the Church of the Survivor’s gospel was not the unwavering truth. She lived by the Church’s teachings, studied their doctrine night and day, practically breathed stories of the Survivor and Ascendant Warrior’s triumphs. If only she could be as noble as they had, and not simply part of the pretending nobility. At twelve years old she was so enraptured by her prophets that she got her hands on each metal she could in turn, hoping her one moment of near-ascendance had at least left her Snapped and an Allomancer, as her heroes had been. Lucky as she was, though not without some painstaking trial and error, she discovered her affinity for chromium and considered it a carefully-selected divine gift; now she had the power to render all people equal.

Symbolically she was satisfied, but in reality? Injustice was everywhere, and soon she couldn’t stop seeing it. Children starved on the streets while families like her own not only feasted to their hearts’ content, but wasted just as shamelessly. Those with power and connections thought they could get away with abuses of the worst kinds, and all it took to prove them correct was trading a few Doxins with the right constable. The very fact that some could still afford servants while others lived without basic necessities! Worse still, some of those who thought themselves superior still looked down on those not at lucky as them, as her, to be blessed with an innate ability to kindle metal deep within them. Could they not see that those were gifts bestowed by the Survivor? Privileges meant to be used for the greater good, not for selfish gain?

She was unable to control herself one day on the street, just another teenager loitering around Tekiel Tower, when she saw such an atrocity unfold before her very eyes. A man chased a young child down the road with the enhanced speed of a Pewterarm, snatching the boy into the air by his collar and threatening him openly, all for a mere fistful of pilfered bills. Plenty gathered to watch, but not a single person moved to interfere, some afraid to match Pewter strength, others merely cowards. Swallowing a pinch of her metal and darting forward, all it took was her palm laid against his arm to render the man powerless against anyone his own natural strength. The kid ran free and a few emboldened onlookers kept him from turning his threats on their young heroine. She heard later that he had ended up in the hospital, but it hardly affected her. Lord Kelsier would have gone further. She was only doing as He would have done—as He blessed her to do in His stead. She was His equalizer.

Barely weeks later, she denounced her family name and fortune, joining the Church on her sixteenth birthday—an auspicious number, therefore a glorious day—and taking to its teachings as naturally as if she had been born to them. If she had been asked, she’d have claimed she was.

Still, no matter how much good the Church did sharing its doctrine with the world, those who sought to reach the top by trampling the downtrodden beneath them still existed. They appeared to multiply as the years went on, coming out of the woodwork when the world seemed a more accepting place for their greed. Sins of the past began to reemerge so appallingly quickly that Nalini feared—

No, not feared. Knew. Hoped—

—that a new rebellion needed to rise as well. The Survivor would never have stood for all His work being undone by sinning ingrates who had forgotten the past. That was what He had chosen His Heir to prevent before the Great Catacendre.

Perhaps some of the Ascendant Warrior’s spirit was present in her—she could pray it was so, anyway—but she did not doubt the special role the one who organized their modern rebellion had been given. The Lekal heir saw what she had seen, and did what she knew needed to be done. That was why she chose to support The Burning Word—it was the purest form of the doctrine in action. Take down those opposed to equality by any means necessary, exactly as the Survivor had once done. How could she resist?

Her devotion to the cause is only outweighed by her devotion to their Lord, but both work in tandem to make her a vital component of the group. She provides the proof that their leader is following a righteous path lit by the Survivor Himself; thus every maneuver The Burning Word takes is justified by her knowledge of the religion. By day she preaches and works to convert those lucky enough to know empathy and equity to the Church’s ranks, and when the sun sets and the sacred mists come out to play, she takes the fight on herself and carries out the Survivor’s message. He lights her path with His cleansing flames, she who Survived in this new age.

Personality: 

+ Confident – Nalini knows who she is, what she believes, and what needs to be done. This makes her an excellent priest and an excellent extremist; she’s all but fanatical in her devotion and more than willing to share that passion with those who wish to learn (and many who don’t), as well as capable of excusing any harsh action if it is taken in the name of her God. She knows she deserves to be equal to all other people, and just as no one is allowed to suppress her, so too will she not allow anyone to oppress the less fortunate.

+ Idealistic – Extremism is okay in the name of the greater good, isn’t it? Fanaticism is fine if your religion is righteous, right? Nalini wants equality for all people regardless of class, race, gender, abilities, so on and so forth until the list exhausts itself. Seems good in theory, doesn’t it?

- Ruthless – Particularly when paired with the above, Nalini’s penchant for excusing even the most abhorrent of behaviors if they serve her idea of the path toward righteousness is worrying at best and downright deadly at worst. If the entire noble class has to be purged to satisfy her Lord’s doctrine, she will find a way to carry it out and still sleep calmly at night.

- Ambitious – This trait added on makes everything Nalini does twice as terrible, because sometimes she does have the slightest of selfish reasons: it’s possible she hopes to be the Survivor’s next Heir, His tool on the ground to make sure all his hard work isn’t unraveled. She truly believes she was saved by her God so that she could fulfill a higher purpose.

~ Impulsive – Though she does a good job of keeping a level-head while teaching others about the Church and its scripture, Nalini is sometimes prone to restlessness and the hot temper of a radical who feels stuck in a rut. She wants so badly to help the oppressed that occasionally her heart gets the better of her head and she jumps into action where she would be wiser to wait for instruction or aid.

Western Zodiac: Sagittarius

Moral alignment (as she sees herself): Neutral good

Moral alignment to onlookers: Chaotic evil

MBTI: ENTP (tho i totally winged this bc hell no i’m not taking the test at 6am)

Enneagram: Type I, the Reformer

Temperament: Choleric

Admin Questions: um yeah i have a question, how ready are you for me to kick your asses with pain? No, no we aren’t but we’ll take it anyway ;)

[macguires]

ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blog and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly why 

plus a) i’ve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and it’s gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i can’t talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and i’ll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff i’m about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasn’t thanks

this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out that’s been bothering me and that i’ve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isn’t really for other people to read like. i don’t mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that i’m putting down as i think them and i can’t deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i don’t know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me

but i’m really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think it’s the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol

anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever

honestly i’ve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point i’m just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what i’m thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that it’s bc i’m like. i’ve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff i’ll see Hope and that i don’t really want to die and instead want to be ‘saved’ and to get better and live happily etcetcetc

but like.... that’s not even it like i’m? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone i’ve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone who’s neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff

like it’s not that i hate the world or can’t see the value of life or anything? that’s not it at all

i’m honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and i’ve crossed over into ‘serene acceptance’

like it’s just a fact to me that i’m going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when i’d do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and i’ve always had it in my mind no matter what i’m doing or talking about, and it doesn’t make me sad to think about it now that it’s not so far away? i’m literally sitting here counting down until it’s time (i’m staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao i’ve still got A While) and it’s just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and i’m actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like i’m appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like i’m taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk i’m sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like i’m so calm about it

like a few years ago i would’ve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like i’ve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything i’ve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and i’d literally be like “thanks but nah. i think i’ll leave anyway” 

? like i’ve seen the world. i’ve tried it out. it’s lovely. it’s beautiful and i love the people i’ve met and i hope i’ve made a positive impact on them while i’ve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just don’t love being a part of it. it’s just....... Not For Me. it’s never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. i’m so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but it’s been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now

and i don’t even want to imagine how much worse i’d feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didn’t have this because i’m literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myself “well i won’t have to deal with them for long anymore”, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via the ‘only a little longer’ mindset and if i had that taken away from me i’d be Destroyed yet again 

but like legitimately i’ve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on and nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the “oh my god they don’t believe me they think i’m lying and making it all up for attention” and i hate it. and i don’t hate him now bc he’s different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sister’s wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and i’d really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it

and when i talk about me ‘dealing w/ anorexia’ i mean that’s literally. like if you don’t have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think it’s like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. it’s so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if you’re reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, it’s so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now i’ve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks it’ll be until i can next eat something and it’s made me bitter and stressed and i’ve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you don’t even always lose weight! that’s a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and you’ll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc u’ll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u haven’t eaten for a month u’ll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u aren’t bloated when they see u, bc they might think it’s fat! will that mean you’re able to stop starving urself bc you see that it’s not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day

and i’ve had to drop out of school and i’m never going to be able to work or live alone and i’m literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so i’m literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldn’t i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldn’t i get an option, why shouldn’t i be able to say “yeah this isn’t for me, i literally don’t remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and it’s just not worth it for me, i’d quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunity”

like i know that’s selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i can’t do shit because they think i’ll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me that’s started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i don’t want to, shouldn’t i be living for myself? shouldn’t that be the whole point? if i don’t want to do that and i’ve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other people’s sakes and i’ve found that that just isn’t working out and hasn’t changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why can’t i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you i’d like to make this decision for me now)

but vague bitterness aside, i’m past the “oh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, i’m going to end up killing myself and that’s awful and sad and i wish i wasn’t like this” stage that lasted literal years and i’m in the “yeah i’m definitely gonna be doing that, but that’s a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that there’s an Exit in sight and i don’t have to do this for much longer”

and the fact that i’m sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing i’ve ever said. like i wasn’t even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing i’ve been planning and that i’ve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that i’ll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping i’ll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it won’t be a problem anymore. and like there’s no going back after i’ve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, that’s already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age i’ll be when they’re done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as i’ve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao i’ll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the Delay 

and i always thought i’d stick around for my irl best friend, that’s how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they weren’t kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like “if i’m dead i can’t help them, i can’t say ‘you can come to mine’ if they ever need to, i won’t be there to answer if they’re ever in another situation where they need to call someone” and i’ve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldn’t go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didn’t want to leave them

and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, i’m sort of glad i don’t feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now i’ve done that and they’ve met new friends and they’re just. doing so many wonderful things and we’ve drifted a little in the sense that i know they’ll be totally fine, i’ve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesn’t only make me feel sad anymore? like i’m actually so proud of them, i’ve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and they’re all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and it’s sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i don’t feel like i need to stay for them, it won’t really affect their lives if i wasn’t here anymore (and i don’t even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesn’t make me upset to say that anymore, it’s literally just another thing i’m v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and i’m so happy for them 

and it’s just totally changed the way i’m seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, it’s great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i don’t see them irl that often anymore, and i’m going into this knowing i’m very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and it’s so strange idk. like it’s strange to think that i’m going into this and i’m going to be looking at them and wondering if i’ll see them again before it happens or if this’ll be the last time i do and. like it bothers me a little because they won’t know and us all meeting up that day won’t mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but i’m trying to let that feel freeing too

idk man everything’s just. i’m accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a. “yeah, that’s true, and that’s okay, i’m not mad/sad about that anymore” response from me now because everything is just so much more ‘whatever’ now that i can tell myself i don’t need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so there’s absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while i’m still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can

i used the word ‘freeing’ a minute ago and i guess that’s the term i’ve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when i’ll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and it’s just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? that’s not quite the right term but) and i’m so determined not to let this get taken from me