#but he doesn’t want to have to deal with those immediate consequences yknow

[enderspawn]

it’s abt the fact when you build up someone so much and look up to them, after all this time no matter how much you miss them it’s scary.

bc seeing them means having to take them off that pedestal that you’ve been building up for years in their absence, based off the memories of a kid from a decade past. having to accept that they’re just another flawed person.

it’s having to accept how you’ve changed, that you aren’t that same kid they knew and if they even want the you now. it’s dreading the possibility that after all this time… you’ve just let them down. you didn’t become the person they wanted you to be, expected you to be. you’ve chnaged and you’ve become worse and suddenly this person that you’ve clung to for so long… doesn’t want you.

if you don’t know the answers then it means you can’t get a bad answer, either. for all that the unknown and waiting is painful, at least its safe

[hallwyeoo]

Ramble-y analysis (?)of Joel as a protector, and his relationship to this identity and masculinity.

A scene from tlou pt1 that was always really striking to me is Tommy and Joel’s discussion in the dam.

“this is how you’re gonna repay me huh?” “Repay you?” “For all those goddamn years I took care of us!” “Took care? That’s what you call it? I got nothing but nightmares from those years” “you survived because of me!” “Yeah, and it wasn’t worth it.”

Specifically Tommy’s final response there. Acknowledging that even though he did only survive because of Joel, the price of that survival was too high.

Tommy knows joel kept him alive, but also confronts him with the idea that not everyone wants that protection or the consequences of it. Sometimes, the price and consequences of (immediate, haha) survival are ones that the person would rather not deal with!

Both Tommy and Ellie are people who deeply care for Joel and view him as family (Tommy moreso in a traditional kinship relationship and Ellie In more of a fictive kinship, but family nonetheless). Joel is shown to be incredibly driven to protect both of them, even if they may not ask for it. I’d even go as far as to say that in the process of reinforcing his role as protector, he (to some degree, and not consciously I think) has to degrade/undermine their efficacy and autonomy. If Tommy is a grown man who doesn’t need saving or protection, then to play the protective big brother Joel has to place Tommy back into the role of ‘idealistic little brother who gets himself into shit and needs me to get him out’ (which in the game ultimately lead to their separation, which sounded pretty intense)

And to a larger degree (because of the fact that he’s had a daughter before, and he’s very familiar with the power dynamics of a nuclear family father/daughter relationship. Meanwhile Ellie doesn’t fully agree to that and consistently seeks autonomy, equality, and respect within their relationship [“im not her yknow” “I can take care of myself!” Asking for a gun, running off at the dam, etc.] while also understanding that Joel does have years of experience on her and sometimes it’s best to listen to him.) I think Joel does this to Ellie.

In the hospital, the decision he makes robs Ellie of her autonomy. All the while, he knows what decision she would’ve made and exactly how not okay she’d be with what’s going down. (Using only the first game/season1 as a source, Ellie’s resolve right before the hospital paired with Joel’s lie and the implication of their final convo.) This is the shining example to me of Joel’s tendency to just do shit and make choices for other people because it’s ‘what’s best’ in his eyes, while sorta disregarding or ignoring that they probably have their own opinions on what’s best.

While I understand Joel’s actions, when you look at how his protector role makes him overstep boundaries, make choices and calls for others, etc (we will see more of this in s2/pt2 as well) you begin to see how (despite serving him over the years) it has crippled his relationships with others. to protect, someone has to be protected, and they may not want or need that. Both Tommy and Ellie can handle themselves, and while they appreciate Joel’s protection at times, being constantly protected can feel infantilizing, especially when someone takes actions you don’t agree with to protect you or stops you from defending yourself. It can feel that they view you as incapable or helpless.

Joel placing such heavy importance on being a protector, on taking on all the heavy burden, on being the big tough guy leaves him in a rough place when the people around him need him to rely on them or to be protected by them. I think it’s very tied to his identity as a father, older brother, caretaker, and protector. This identity serves a community role, but ultimately an over-reliance on it means that when your community needs something other than violence or physical resources from you, you can’t deliver. When Ellie needs to talk about Henry, Sam, and Tess, Joel shuts her down. When Tommy says “I have a family now”, Joel brushes past it. Into pt2, we see Joel slowly accept that this urge isn’t the best, although it still happens with Seth etc etc etc.

Imo, his relationship with his identity, masculinity, and emotions end up sometimes creating a resentment or tension between him and the people he cares about.

Tess says in their final conversation,

“Guess what, we’re shitty people, Joel. It’s been that way for a long time.”

And Joel responds,

“No, we are survivors!”

And I think that that is a very good glance into how Joel contextualizes his actions and relates them back to his identity.

I have no idea how to wrap this up but yeah. TLDR: Joel has a habit of forcing his protection onto people, which can put them into situations where they don’t get a say in what goes down. He’s internalized his role as a dad and older brother (but mostly just the “provide physical needs” and “protect” parts, as well as carrying some degree of toxic masculinity with him) and takes pride in it to the point where some of his other skills (like emotional intimacy or vulnerability) have almost atrophied. Both Tommy and Ellie were put in situations where they would have died without Joel, but come out the other side upset that he interfered and removed their say in the matter. What joel views as necessary is not always what others want/need and Joel sorta inserts himself into that equation so that he can protect them (reinforcing his identity) and himself (not lose loved ones).

Also he’s babygirl, thanks for coming to my Ted talk!

[daringdarlingdt]

so of course i binge watched all of Heartstopper today and it was so cute and very true to the comic in a way that made sense for the show and the characters and perhaps all of the acting in it wasn’t marvelous, especially outside the main characters, and also i did not know Olivia Colman was gonna be in it like what was she doing there that was a happy surprise, but overall I really enjoyed it.

I would talk more about Heartstopper if it weren’t for the fact that I’m still completely hung up on Crashing (uk).  I know barely anyone has watched it and I should not be thinking about either of these shows on more than a surface level honestly and this is such a stretch but as I was watching Heartstopper I noticed some parallels between Charlie and Nick.  Well one big parallel really and that was, like, the whole nature of the development of their relationship:

skinny, nerdy, slightly outcast, openly gay guy becomes friend with blonde, apparently straight cool guy until the latter begins to questions his feelings for the former until turns out (shocker) he is not straight and is in love with his best friend, but is unsure of this and doesn’t immediately know what to do about these feelings.

except that’s where the similarities stop (although Sam and Fred may have developed along the same lines of Charlie and Nick do if they had gotten like.  any more screentime or yknow. another season).  especially because below that surface the characters are different as well.  actually Charlie and Fred are fairly similar-- they’re both a bit willing to take whatever they can get in regards to love and don’t seem to have much agency until things get really obviously bad and they stand up for themselves out of necessity.  I think Charlie has a bit more backbone than Fred probably, though, and a slightly easier time talking about his feelings.  But that’s all made easier by the fact that Nick isn’t the fucking asshole emotionally immature idiot that Sam is.  Nick recognizes his feelings and then deals with it whereas Sam gets jealous and acts like a child, denies how he feels when directly confronted by Fred and then in a moment of vulnerability acts impulsively by kissing fred while he’s supposedly asleep (an unconscious person doesn’t want tea).  It’s hard to say what the consequences of Sam’s actions are or what happens between Sam and Fred next because the fallout of the hospital scene happens off-screen and then we just get two more lines between them at the end of the episode where Fred seems smitten and Sam seems, like, happy about that but also more focused on being secretive.  Which itself is fine, not being ready to come out at that point for his character is realistic and Fred expecting Sam to come out would be unreasonable, and a relationship could ensue with him in the closet, as is tackled in Heartstopper with post-gay crisis Nick and Charlie.

It’s hard to compare these because we don’t get to see much of the intricacies of Fred and Sam’s relationship on-screen, since they’re not the main focus of the show, unlike, Charlie and Nick.  We know that Charlie and Nick, though awkward and fallible, are able to communicate their feelings to one another and respect those feelings and each other and be selfless and patient and kind.  Charlie doesn’t expect Nick to come out for him but he also recognizes that he isn’t going to be treated like Ben treated him before-- like a shameful secret that he can’t even remotely acknowledge exists.  We never see any emotional growth between Sam and Fred at all.  When Sam didn’t like Will he meanly exposed him as the jackass he admittedly was in front of all the gang, humiliating Fred in the process and he did it entirely for selfish reasons.  Fred runs away (I have more to say about this but I didn’t mean for this to turn into the essay it’s already become so) and when he does come back and has it out with Sam, Sam is defensive and rude and doesn’t try to communicate his feelings at all.  It takes a hypoglycemic attack for Sam to show any vulnerability at all.  I wish we could have gotten to see what happened when Fred woke up, Sam still laying there, probably asleep himself, and their return home from the hospital.  It would have been a good opportunity for them to actually deal with the other events but instead we skip that and get “don’t say mate” “okay... babe” “🤫”.  

If Sam were just a little bit more like Nick, and Sam and Fred’s relationship had been given the time to evolve into slightly more open mutual respect and romance it could very likely follow the same trajectory as Nick and Charlie’s: expose those feelings, begin consensually covert relationship, not-so-straight guy figures out his identity along the way, hijinks ensue, begin telling trusted people, become closer and support each other in becoming better more well-rounded people.  Literally watching how amazing Heartstopper is at handling the ‘openly gay person makes a person who believed themself to be straight realize they’re not’ thing so well made me even sadder we didn’t get to see it in Crashing :/

Anyways Heartstopper was unbelievably cute and 70% only positive vibes although there is bullying and homophobia portrayed in it but it’s all dealt with and the important characters have usually made up by the end of the episode.  the season ends on a pretty feel-good note without any cliffhangers or anything and there are hints of some of the conflicts and relationships which come up later in the story.  Would recommend for some fun gay entertainment!

[jemmo]

some thoughts from ep 8

back on making long ass posts bc i absolutely loved both these scenes before and after pat’s thai xylophone performance bc of how they mirror each other and show how both pat and pran are willing to make sacrifices and compromise, reach a middle ground so they can both express their love how they want to.

(warning; a very long ramble. i’ve put this under a read more for sanity and dash space)

before the performance, we see pran panicked bc the way pat expresses his love, by being flirty in front of people, in public spaces, and by cryptically posting on social media puts them at risk. its too dangerous, bc if one of those flirty lines is overheard or one of them pictures is too telling then the secret is out. the things pat does makes it too easy for someone to put the pieces together and figure out whats going on, and thats too close to comfort for pran. 

all throughout this ep, I kept wondering, why does pat do these things??? why does he flirt in public and keep posting all these subtle pictures??? bc i get that he wants to be public; he’s inherently a person that doesn’t like to hide his feelings, he’s brash and immediate and bold and out there, we see it in how he deals with his new found feelings for pran. so i see where that desire comes from, but surely he has just as much to lose as pran does. exposing their relationship will put a rift between him and his friends just as it will with pran and his, so why is he pushing when they’re in the same boat?? is it really that he just doesn’t care, that he’s not as afraid to lose his friends bc they don’t mean as much to him??? it’s not that he thinks they’d be ok with it bc they’ve indicated their dislike of architecture just as much as architecture has indicated dislike for them.

then it clicked for me that pat isn’t really pushing to be public. yes, his wording throughout the ep clearly indicates he’d like to be able to do couple stuff with pran around people, but I don’t think he’s asking for that right now. as he said on the rooftop, he knows, he understands the situation. but the situation, having to hide, clashes so much with how he expresses his love. he wants to proclaim it to the world but can’t, so these cryptic Instagram posts are the medium he’s found that he’s happy with. it feels nice and natural for him to post these things, it’s quashes that need to declare his love to the world without putting them at too much of a risk. and that’s brilliant of him, really, that he was able to find that middle ground is so important bc he can be in love the way he wants without telling people directly about his relationship. i also think its important to note that pat’s actions aren’t intended to expose his relationship with pran, as in he’s not purposefully going against pran’s wishes and posting these things to out them. its as he said, he wants the world to know he’s taken even if he cant say who by, not yet. and his actions also are very in character in the way he doesn’t really think much about it. ive always headcannoned pat as one of those people where things just work out for him, yknow, he doesnt revise that much for an exam but aces it anyway bc of a mix of his natural talent and this go with the flow attitude. he doesnt think about consequences bc he’s never had to face any, so he posts these things not thinking of the ramifications, not considering that someone eagle-eyed could put it all together bc nothing has ever come full circle and bit him in the ass before. compare that to pran who’s always had to face the consequences of his actions eg being transferred, and so can only see how things can end badly. this is also why i see the confrontation between pat and his dad as a turning point in this ep, bc finally he is seeing the consequences of his actions, and that might make him more considerate of what he does in the future. 

anyways, back to the scene, taking all of that into account, you can understand why pat gets mad and upset the way he does in this scene. putting pran’s very real and legitimate fear aside for a second, pat has been trying to explore and enjoy his relationship in the way he knows how, but here pran is, not letting him love the way he wants. and the thing is, in this confrontation, all pran can see is pat risking their exposure, so to pat, i can see how pran’s words could be read as him insinuating that pat only does all this stuff to test pran, to push him into admitting their relationship when that’s not what it’s really about. it’s about pat loving in the way he wants to, loud and proud. its like there’s two different conversations happening, pran hearing that pat is trying to expose their relationship and pat hearing that pran won’t let him express himself the way he wants. you can see this most with the shirt, bc pat wears it as a way to keep pran close with him, but all pran sees is him risking their exposure. and the way pran says ‘just dont’, god that got to me. bc its almost like he’s saying to pat ‘no, stop, this isnt the time or place for being cute or sweet or sentimental. we have a real problem here, and you trying to be nice is causing it’. and that breaks my heart, bc its again pran having to steam roll over pat’s feelings to deal with the bigger problem. its pran saying the way you love me is causing issues, so just stop it. but the thing is, pat wearing pran’s shirt isnt some kind of display that he puts on for others or even for pran. its for him, it brings him comfort and lets him express his love. its personal. so when pran says ‘just dont’, all pat can hear is him saying ‘just dont be you’.

so when pran pushes him and tests him, pat snaps, he says don’t go there, bc you know that’s what I want, and at the drop of a hat I would scream my love from the rooftop the consequences be damned. bc you mean more to me than any of those people out there and i’m ready to face that for you, i always have been. but bc you mean that much to me, that’s exactly why i won’t do it. why I’ll hold back, why I’ll stay silent. bc i care about you, and i love you, but I won’t let you silence me completely, bc i need something. i need to post or flirt outside or wear your shirt, i just need that, it’s the way i love. and if you’re telling me no, you’re telling me i can’t love you like this, then what does that mean?? are you asking me to not be myself, or are you telling me that you care more about others feelings than you do about mine???

it kinda revisits that old situation pran was in, where he’d love all the flirty things pat did, but it was those things that ultimately hurt him and made him have to close up. here, he loves it, of course he loves it, all he’s ever wanted is this man to be his, and for him to want that too to the point he wants to declare it to anyone who will listen. just like pat’s flirtiness, it’s a disposition that made him fall in love with pat, his boldness and openness. but it’s also the thing that’s causing him all this worry and fear, and it’s the thing that makes him have to pull back, set up more barriers that he doesn’t want to be there but he has to put there for safety. it’s maddening for him too, and of course pat understands that, but in the moment he lets himself get angry and upset, and I’m glad he did bc he should be allowed to feel those emotions, and pran needs to see that he is affected by this, otherwise there’s no catalyst for change.

then we have the performance, and i wont go into that bc thats a whole post in itself that i dont have the knowledge of music or the emotional capacity to make bc i still cry every time i watch that scene. but whats important about it is that pran sees pat hurt and upset, and unlike how he dismisses those feelings at the beach, this time he really listens. music is a language he understands and he finally hears pat, finally thinks about how he’s feeling and actively decides to fix it.

i love this exchange here bc it really speaks to their love languages and them being open to understanding each other more. bc pat asks if pran is uncomfortable with hiding, bc he is. It makes him uncomfortable, and bc pran is in the same situation he thinks pran is uncomfortable too, that he doesn’t want it this way either, he’s just standing in his own way. and in a way, yes, he is, and pran’s answer doesn’t exactly answer whether he’s uncomfortable with hiding or not. i imagine he’s not uncomfortable like pat is, bc he’s a fundamentally different person, but maybe he’s uncomfortable in the sense that this constant hiding means constant fear and anxiety for him, fretting over whether any word or action might be the thing to our them. but still, his answer shows that he’s not uncomfortable in the way pat is bc he loves quietly. his love is not expressed through these outward displays, through telling the world, through making sure everyone knows. his love is expressed in those moments they get alone, where the world drops out around them and it’s just them two, that’s when he can show his love. and it might not be his preferred way, or the whole story as to how he expresses his feelings, but what it says is that his love isn’t dependent on people knowing, hence why he can be more comfortable with hiding. and just because his love language is different, it doesn’t make the love he feels any different or any less. he still feels it all and still shows it all, just through different means, and im really glad pran told pat that, bc it dampens this idea that pran doesn’t want to tell people bc he doesn’t care or is embarrassed or not proud of his relationship or doesn’t love pat as much. that’s not true, and they both know that now. know that they feel the same, the expression is just different.

and thinking about it, this kinda explains why the whole friends and family issues are bigger to pran than they are to pat, despite being in the same boat. bc pran is always the one having to limit himself and now both of them bc of these outside factors, not pat. and it’s bc pat has these same issues but he’s more willing to fight them bc they directly prevent him from loving in the way he wants. he wants to be loud and tell people but bc of his friends and family he can’t, and that stifles him, and makes him more willing and eager to take them on so that he can be free to love openly. pran doesn’t have that same desire to love loudly, and so it doesn’t give him the same fight and courage pat has in the face of their problems. he doesn’t need to tell people, he just wants to be able to love in his own way. that’s why his friends and family seem a bigger threat to him, bc if they found out he wouldn’t be able to love pat that way, and so he has to hold both him and pat back for that reason. he sees what he has to lose while pat only sees people holding him back, and that’s why the burden lies with pran while pat has the fight.

back to the scene again, i cant tell you how much i appreciate this exchange, pat hears loud and clear that pran can love him quietly, and he acknowledges it, which is good. what isn’t good is him then trying to adopt this, saying ‘i see you can love this way so i will try to as well’. its not right, bc its not him, and what pran realises now is that it wasn’t right of him to try and ask pat to not be himself. so pran says no. even though it would be easier if pat stopped posting and was less open, he doesn’t choose the easy path. he chooses the right path, where pat can love in his own way and pran can love in his way too, bc why would he ever want to try and change pat when he fell in love with pat for the person he is. and he says it explicitly, that he is pat’s boyfriend and therefore he will try and learn how to deal with this better. he wants to grow and develop to meet pat where he is, not hold pat back to where he is now. and thats what’s magical about relationships like this, bc pran can take some of that strength and courage from pat and use it to move forward. pat gives him the drive and the reason to be better for himself, its the push he needs to take that risk bc he can finally see the rewards shining brighter than the consequences. as he said in the bar with wai, about never entering a relationship like the one he has with pat, he’s slowly coming to terms with and accepting the fact that pat makes him go against all the rules he put in place for himself, and one by one those rules are getting broken as he gets closer and closer to freedom. 

and the final thing i wanna say here is about pran, and a difference he has from pat. as we can all see, pat cares deeply for pran. even before he recognised his own feelings, his subconscious always made sure that he was taking care of pran, going out of his way to solve his problems and make him happy. then his feelings came later, and now his care and love are one and the same. pran on the other hand, he has harboured feelings for years. he has loved pat quietly, secretly, at a distance. this makes it easier for him to hide their relationship, bc he’s so used to it, but he only knows how to hide for his own sake. through those years, he’s never really had to care for pat, not let himself almost, bc its almost as if any kind of display of caring could reveal his true feelings. and any display of caring would put him too close to pat, too close to hold himself back maybe. so its almost like he’s learned not to care about pat, bc its too much, too risky, too much like he’s acting on his feelings. and i think thats really filtered into their relationship, bc we see after the kiss and on the beach pran caring about himself, preserving his own feelings rather than think about or care about how pat might be feeling, how all of this might be affecting him. and so in this relationship, i think one of the things pran needs to do is learn how to care for pat. and we see that beginning in this ep. pat time and time again does selfless acts for pran bc of how much he cares, but now pran is doing them too. he sees that he upset pat on the roof so leaves notes to cheer him up and stop him from sulking. he hears in pats phonecall that something is wrong so comes home to see him and speak to him and make him smile and forget about all the stresses that they both know they’ll inevitabely have to deal with. i think it says a lot about both of their understandings of the situation that whenever family or friend issues come up, they choose to make each other happy instead. they both know that there’s no discussion them two could have to fix things, so they choose to ignore the issue bc they know one day, they wont be able to ignore it, so the least they can do until then is smile. and finally, he listen to pat’s feelings, and apologises for the things he said, and makes a choice that puts pat first, before himself and anyone else. and the phrasing of it is genius when compared to their fight. bc pat says he will stop bc he cares about pran, but pran tells him not to stop bc he cares about pat more. finally, pat gets to hear that he is most important thing to pran, and pran is learning how to care and put pat first like pat always does with him. and im really proud of him for that.

[dahlwatchesmiraculous]

Why I think adrienette shouldn’t happen until season 5

Note: this analysis doesn’t take season 4 into account, since I haven’t seen any new episodes yet lol

Anyway this is mostly inspired by my frustration with the idea of a reveal happening before adrien and marinette get together.

TLDR: I think marinette and adrien need to become closer friends before pursuing anything romantic, while also giving themselves time to emotionally mature

Finding out their secret identities will have consequences for both marinette and adrien obviously, but especially if they haven’t had a chance to grow as individuals. These consequences would definitely worsen if the reveal is out of their control (like one of them, or someone else completely, finds out by accident, or they’re forced to reveal themselves during some dangerous event)

Ive always been against reveal theories that didn’t include ladybug and chat noir prepared and intentionally willing to reveal their identities. I hate the idea of them having to show their true selves when they’re not ready for it, and it’s only out of necessity or desperation. It’s there secret to share, especially when it comes to chat noir. Adrien doesn’t have any control in his life. Being chat noir is his only chance at experiencing freedom, it’s more than just a secret to him I feel. It’s a very intimate and significant part of his life. It’s the only thing he actually has control over. So if we have marinette, or someone else secretly finding out about his identity, then we’re taking away the only control he has in his life, and it’s really not fair to do that to him.

But let’s say the reveal is a consensual and conscientious decision. I still don’t think it should happen any time soon, because our main characters have a lot of development they need to go through before being able to handle the truth of the superhero identities.

By the end of season 3, Marinette still has a pretty one dimensional understanding of who Adrien is. Sure they may have had a few key moments in their friendship, but I dont think that’s enough for her to see his “chat noir” side. She still thinks of him as this “dreamy perfect boy” but he’s a lot more than that, she’s just never able to see it bc her feelings get in her way and makes her way shy. Of course she’s interacted with Adrien as chat noir and knows what his personality is like, but I really do think she needs to be able to associate that personality with Adrien too, not just chat noir. Because in that case, they might as well be two different people, yknow?? If they get together as soon as a reveal happens, it’ll feel so forced bc neither of them will have really gotten the chance to process the person they’re actually in love with. I think it’d be easier for Adrien to process it, because he’s compared marinette to ladybug, and he’s already aware of the kind of person marinette is deep down (some may even argue that he’s definitely in love with her already but is fighting those feelings for her) But marinette doesn’t really know who Adrien is, and I don’t think revealing their identities would acknowledge that?? She needs to have real deep connections with Adrien so she can understand why she loves him!! Bc right now her crush is p surface level

That’s why I didn’t actually mind lukanette all that much?? I mean, personally I just want them to be close friends, that way it doesn’t seem like he’s just being tossed aside when adrienette becomes canon. But luka could at least help her become more confident and to learn how to embrace herself?? The only way she’ll be able to learn the true sides of Adrien is if she’s able to talk to him without freaking out, and he’ll be more willing to talk to her and show himself once he sees that she’s comfortable around him??? Then the real work towards their relationship can happen bc once she sees adriens true personality, and the big reveal happens, she can understand why she does have feelings for Adrien/chat noir

A strong friendship is also really important for Adrien’s development as well. Right now, he uses chat noir as his escape. He feels like he can’t be himself around people because of his father’s cruel parenting, which has led him to feel that if he shows any true part of himself he won’t be accepted by the people he cares about. If there’s some sort of public reveal (like during a battle or something) then Adrien will have to deal with the fact that people don’t see the real him, causing him to feel like he’s lost those connections bc they don’t really know him. Right now he doesn’t feel like he can be himself and a public reveal would just make that worse. He needs to learn that he doesn’t have to hide his true qualities for people to like him. And how does he learn this?? THROUGH MARINETTE and specifically through a closer friendship. We already know adrien thinks very highly of marinette, but why?? Because she’s never afraid to be her true self (except when it comes to her feelings for him, but he doesn’t even notice that so we can disregard that). Marinette wears her heart on her sleeve, she’s always willing to fight for what she believes in. If they’re closer friends, she can help him realize that being himself is okay. Failing to accept both sides of him can have v serious impacts on his sense of identity, especially if it ends up being a public reveal. He won’t know who to be or how to act, he’ll be afraid that anything he does will be perceived as wrong. But if their friendship comes before any sort of reveal, he can shape his identity to be the way he wants it to be without the fear of being rejected

I feel like I just kept repeating the same thing over and over in different ways. But to summarize: adrienette can’t happen suddenly, especially not immediately after they reveal their identities. They individually need to work on themselves (Adrien becoming comfortable showing his true personality, and marinette learning to be more confident) and work on their friendship before they get together, that way when the reveal does happen they can understand who the other person really is and why they love them, especially to avoid an “insta-love” situation. If they don’t have a better established relationship, then they’re essentially falling in love with the idea of each other and not their actual true selves.

[wavemaker9]

warning for talk about self-harm/attempted suicide; nothing detailed but yknow, started thinking more about how mel’s (believed) death would affect both kyle and others in los santos

it’d be unlikely that at least some others wouldn’t hear rumors that mel had died and when she’s not showing her face around town, it’s hard not to believe.There might be some people in the city who live under a strict “if i don’t directly see the body, i have no proof” mindset, but the bottom line is that people die alone in gutters all the time in the city. people disappear off the map constantly. and some move away or retire to better lives, but some people just end up dead. I think Toni’s the closest of my kids to that just because A, there’s always the risk that someone could have faked their death so it pays to lowkey be even a little prepared, and B, he saw gil do it first hand so yknow. But also Toni’s a realist and recognizes that sometimes people do just get killed, or they die from some dumb stunt, or they overdose or otherwise get themself killed. it’s not impossible, and spending all your days insisting on having that proof directly is a waste of time. And I do think other people besides Kyle and Ivan would hear about mel’s death sooner or later. Austin could hear from Kyle directly, and toni could hear it either from ivan directly or maybe down the chain from Kyle (kyle > austin > oliver > toni).

Austin probably hears from kyle just because. Well, kyle’s mood fucking drops following both mel’s death + his specifically being blamed for it. That was one of his best friends and it hits him hard. I think at first he’s just trying cope using his vices, but either by overdosing with that, having a particularly reckless stunt go bad, or just having things get rougher until he falls to more direct methods of harm, austin finds him directly following that. After fixing him up as best he can/getting him to someone who can do it better, depending on how he got hurt, austin confronting kyle about it and kyle trying to avoid the questions. Austin’s able to get out that mel died, but can’t get much more from Kyle before it leads into a shouting match. Austin unintentionally admits his frustration over all the shit kyle does like this, being ungrateful for the help austin gives him, putting himself in dumb and dangerous situations all the time, and refusing to just talk about things when they’re clearly /greatly/ bothering him, before storming off to give them both time to cool down before he tries again. Of course, it’s kyle, and austin should really know better and prolly would if he hadn’t gotten mad, because when he tries to come back to talk to him again, kyle’s outta there.

Austin ends up finding kyle again after another, seemingly more serious attempt, and having to take him to the hospital. And the pro of that is that it makes it much harder for kyle to bail, especially with austin not taking any second chances this time around. With enough pressing and kyle knowing he’s caught, him finally admitting the issue, that it’s not just that mel’s dead but he feels responsible and for a bullshit reason of them just fucking around like they normally do and it going bad. The two able to talk about it more without so much yelling this time, and austin admitting he appreciated amelia’s skill and work effort but, compared to kyle, amelia’s not worth it. Kyle arguing that, of course she is, but austin standing firm, he refuses to lose kyle over this. Kyle can drink and whatever else he does normally to cope, but he needs to move past this without sacrificing his whole life for it. Yes, his reckless behavior got someone killed, and maybe he’ll take this and learn how to not put the people he cares about in such risk- austin himself would /love/ for kyle to learn that. But Kyle needs to learn his lesson and move on, not wallow in this. Adds the classic case that austin wouldn’t expect amelia to really want kyle to die for this, no matter what happened, and kyle’d also be leaving ivan behind as well and imagine how well that would be taken. 

It’s a combined effort of points that’s enough of a pull back to get kyle off the edge for a bit, getting him to ease back closer to the range of ‘struggling but managing’. Still fucking, rough for him, mourning is never easy for anyone and particularly not for Kyle, but like. Still, it’s something. However, around that time is when Toni hears the news and isn’t happy. Amelia had a lot of promise and he was interested to see where she took that. I think he’s less angry specifically that Amelia /died/ and more that she died /like she did/. Like he would have been fine with her going down a more impressive death, hell he’d have been chill killing her himself in a fight. But like. However he hears it from, he probably also hears even vaguely that it was something that went wrong connected to Kyle and Ivan, and just. The promise she had, she didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve to die because /those fucking two hazards/ dropped a ball. Like A, this reignites the anger for Ivan that had been starting to cool over the years since Gil was first injured. Because fucking Ivan can’t learn how to mind himself and what damage he causes for 2 fucking seconds? 

And /Kyle/. Like Ivan’s a goddamn danger in the worst of ways, clearly, but at least he does something for the city, too. At least he’s made a name for himself and counters the bad shit he does with impressive shit and at least he puts in a fucking effort. It pisses Toni off that he can’t learn to play by the rules a little more, but that’s nothing compared to Toni’s opinion on the fucking useless menace that is Kyle Brown. The most Kyle’s been doing since Toni learned about him is minor jobs, fucking around and pissing away his time and energy on shit that don’t really mean nothing in the long run. Kyle does what he wants and shows no tact or respect and pull stunts & causes chaos without thinking through his actions and how they affect others. And Toni /told/ Amelia when he found out about her tie to Kyle that knowing him was a mistake, that she’d be wasting her time or needlessly putting herself in danger by staying too connected to him, and it seems like that turned out to be more than true. Toni plans to have a fucking talking with Ivan as well, but he sets something up with Kyle first to basically call him out on his shitty behavior and what a waste of space Toni thinks he is. That Mel /was/ worth more than Kyle,/easily so/, that she had the drive and motivation that Kyle lacks, so why is /he/ still alive when Amelia is /dead/? He calls out a lot of small but foolish mistakes Kyle’s made since moving to the city, things Toni’s taken note of as jobs/tasks/etc that Kyle only apparently managed to survive because of luck or help instead of relying on his own strength like Amelia did, like all people who are worth something in this city do. His final note is that, the way Toni sees it, Kyle does nothing but make mistakes, to the point of getting respectable people killed over them, while the only mistake Mel made was being associated with a useless fuck up like him.

And Kyle usually doesn’t care about Toni’s opinion in the slightest, but it is a laser-guided hit to an already shaky house of cards that is his recovery path, and he spirals back down /hard/ following it because yeah. A part of him wants to believe Austin over Toni, obviously, but also like. What was he thinking believing Austin saying that he was worthwhile or that he doesn’t deserve to die. What a fucking idiot he is. His whole mood crashes hard all over again. Luckily, following the previous shit, even with kyle’s slow improvement, Austin would be keeping a close eye on him. Insisting on one of them staying at the other’s place, trying to remove/hide any dangerous items like knives, insisting on driving Kyle places. He probably does a milder form of this during lesser depressive episodes of Kyle’s*, but clearly this is bad and following the previous attempt, takes no chances. So him catching onto Kyle’s change in mood before he has the chance to do anything drastic, pressing on what brought it about and doing his best to counter it. And he himself is /very/ mad when he hears it’s Toni who caused it because ughhhh this fucking guy. The worst guy. Austin’s had maybe one good interaction with Toni, /barely/ if ever, his whole life. Hate that guy.

Austin considers just focusing on Kyle, but like. Austin’s already sick of the shit Toni pulls on himself, but undoing what progress he managed with Kyle is bullshit. Like was shown with Austin suddenly standing up to Ivan over his parents, he has very few people he actually cares about but he cares about them a /lot/, so him requesting Oliver set up a meeting between Toni and himself, he has some things he needs to discuss with Toni. It’s a reluctant action, he really doesn’t wanna deal with Toni ever, but god Toni needs to know that fucking with Kyle isn’t okay and hopefully get him to help correct what he said to Kyle or at least back off, and if Austin has to be the only one to make that happen, then /fine/. He didn’t make it as far as he did by backing down immediately when things got too tough, after all, and toni’s main complaint about him anyway is not having enough backbone, so maybe this’ll get toni to chill on that, too. /Does/ request it in the Jawbreaker’s office though to dissuade Toni from trying anything bad if the convo does get heated. Austin’s not stupid, cmon.

And Toni shows, already very amused on what Austin thinks he has to say to him. Austin basically arguing he had already addressed kyle about what happened in a way to hopefully teach him to be more careful, without making him full on spiral, and toni’s messed that up now by once again thinking he knows best all the time when he doesn’t. Toni dismissive of any criticism though, it’s not his fault if kyle can’t handle the consequences of his actions. He shouldn’t make the mistakes if he’s not prepared to struggle with the guilt over them. This can be good for Kyle if he learns to take that pain and make something of it, and if he doesn’t, well then nothing of value /really/ lost. Austin clearly angry at that, but holding himself back. Insisting he’s upset about mel to a point too, but getting kyle to kill himself over an accident when austin had already been working on getting kyle to be more careful won’t do any good for anybody. If anything, it might do worse for the city, given all of kyle’s little connections to different crews. he’d expect someone like toni to recognize that. Toni pressing back, he doesn’t want to dismiss Kyle’s talents, but kyle ain’t /really/ important in this city. He’s talented and lucky, but anyone who works with him could replace him in a day if they needed to, and probably be better off for it. kyle is reckless, dangerously so, clearly. He doesn’t think through his actions, doesn’t care about making enemies, doesn’t care about protecting himself or those around him. Him getting someone killed by his refusal to take charge in his life was only a matter of time, it’s just a shame it had to be this person. The way toni sees it, kyle’s death might help the city, actually. It certainly couldn’t /hurt/ los santos any.

Austin’s eyes thinning at him at this, at toni so blatantly stating his opinion on kyle’s /life/, before he questions if a death to help the city stabilize wasn’t supposedly the same reasoning the Grazhdane had when they put Beilschmidt in a-? Toni’s eyes snapping onto Austin with a fucking fury the moment toni recognizes where he’s going with this, standing immediately and storming across the room to grab austin by the throat before he can continue, pinning him up against a nearby wall, telling him to finish that sentence, /please/. Give him a reason to let oliver find a better Second for his crew, he is /begging/ austin to. Austin able to make a move on toni to get him to have to pull back for a moment, but toni’s able to just full on out-strength him on austin’s next attempt to pull free more. Chuckling, though in a way that is more bitter amusement than anything else, Toni asks where austin learned that. Austin, still trying to get free, answers kyle taught him it, proof that kyle’s worth more than toni thinks after all. Toni laughing further, countering that teaching austin a move or two to keep him alive a second longer is not putting anything good into the city because austin barely puts anything worthwhile into the city either. Austin questioning back what good /toni/ puts into the city, then? what do any of them put there? They’re criminals, that’s the point. But of all of them, he figures Kyle is one of the ones who puts more /actual good/ in the world, certainly more than /toni/ does. 

Toni pinning austin further, showing a sliver of that anger before catching himself and letting austin go, crossing back across the room, telling him to relax, they both know he wouldn’t do shit here; he assumes that’s why austin requested the meeting here, too cowardly to talk shit outside of his own home. Austin still rubbing at his arm, trying to steady himself, but acknowledging that was his idea, yes. Toni doing the little roll of ones eyes when they’re disappointed but not surprised. Him brushing himself off slightly, 95% for show to signify him feeling they’re done here, before stating flatly and firmly to austin that he doesn’t regret the things he said and he’s /not/ going to take them back, to kyle’s face or not, because they’re /true/. Austin may only be comfortable criticizing his cousin when his life isn’t on the line, but the fact of the matter is that both of them are embarrassments to the city, and he won’t feel bad about calling out that fact, because someone needs to. Austin clearly still frustrated, but knowing he’s not going to get anywhere further. Toni’s stubborn when he wants to be, he’s heard that from oliver and seen it in the handful of times they’ve interacted. Especially after Austin let his temper slip and insulted Gilbert in such a way, he’s not going to make any progress with Toni tonight. So him waving Toni off, the meeting’s over, just stay away from Kyle in the future. Toni laughing, waving off austin didn’t have to bother trying to order him to do that. Clearly kyle’s dangerous to be around, Toni’ll be staying as far clear as he can from that boy. As he starts to leave, him reaching out to grab Austin’s shoulder, though, telling him he might want to consider the same. Kyle’s a drowning dog no matter what mood he’s in, and he’ll drag down anyone who reaches out to help him; it’s all that people like him know how to do. He gives a slight pat to Austin’s shoulder which Austin very roughly pulls free from, with Toni leaving after that.

I will say a pro to Kyle’s teetering emotional state is that probably when Ivan realizes how bad Kyle’s doing, that’s something to focus on besides his own anger over Mel’s loss. Though god, Toni trying to call a meeting with Ivan over this shit, especially if ivan figured out about toni’s meeting with kyle. imagine /that/. About 5 times more fighting and no hate sex at the end, it’d probably be bad. Probably Kyle’s being guided back to managing and is even starting to get back to in sights of normal when Mel finds him, and that is a whole new emotional whiplash because he is at once wholly and deeply relieved when he sees her and believes that she’s alive, and also fucking /furious/. I love him trying to take a swing at her because his immediate reaction to anger is to fight the source of said anger because that’ll fix it, obviously, but his resolve is crumbling by the second and he has zero heart into trying on that actual strike, so even if she’s still recovering some, her easily stepping out of the way and him barely managing to stay standing, before immediately turning around and moving at her again, though this time both arms up and just dragging her into a clinging, sobbing hug.

The most infuriating thing about kyle is his just. For being so sympathetic and even to a point generally empathetic, he’s so unaware of trying to be empathetic in a way that’s not natural to him that most shit he doesn’t immediately consider/agree with flies right over his head. Like he would need it pointed out very plainly that maybe he shouldn’t be super angry at mel’s mom because like. Compared to how upset he was, imagine how upset she would have been if mel actually died and remember how upset she was just as the risk of her dying. Doesn’t that make sense she’d try to protect her daughter, even if it was done like this. Hell, I feel like Kyle’s even angry after the initial moment at mel because she should have known they didn’t know she was alive or they would have been there. Kyle’d have been at her side if he knew he could be and she should have known that so why did it take so long for her to realize and come find him. >( Once Kyle grasped things, though, that’d probably be better then because he could help talk Ivan down from being mad at bea when he finds out mel’s alive. Mel desperately trying to get these boys to understand the concept of her mom being worried about her and the constant dangerous shenanigans they pull.

Also fucking /god/, Mel finding out from kyle or austin that toni called kyle out over her death in the way he did and her going to speak to him to be like hey? Fuck you??? Kyle’s a menace but he’s my menace, compared to you who’s neither my boss nor my friend, so what gives you the fucking right to judge him like you did at all, fuck you. Which honestly is less of an insult to toni but more disappoints him because for her to go back and defend Kyle even after that scare shows a perceived weakness in her judgement he feels he must have missed before. Just ‘oh good to see you didn’t die after all, but also I expected better from you??’ Toni can you /chill/????

[blackjacketmuses]

hc; og dante 12

In honor of @dwellsinme​ who inspired me with her HC to post mine, because I’ve had it but haven’t gotten around to actually posting about it.

Dante - my Dante - is very much ADHD. 

It’s kind of a tossup whether his nature as a hybrid has anything to do with it (see: PJO series), but he is definitely, definitely ADHD and has been since he was a kid. Unfortunately, in the late 70s-early 80s, neurodivergence wasn’t as big or talked about a concept, so no one really had any idea, and Dante’s so detached from the normal human life at this point it’s probably never come up and never will. He functions....as well as one would expect with that on top of cPTSD and depression, but, yknow, he manages. So it’s never been a real, true problem. Drove his parents and teachers crazy as a little, and definitely drives people crazy now, but...that’s just how Dante is.

I’m gonna go into more detail under a cut just because long post incoming:

To start I’m just gonna drop a list of symptoms here, so you can kinda see what I’m getting at: bolding is mine, and is the symptoms Dante visibly explicitly shows and expresses (for the record, he definitely has combined type, which has symptoms of both inattentive and hyperactive)---

Inattentive type:

Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another

Have difficulty maintaining focus on one task

Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless doing something they find enjoyable

Have difficulty focusing attention on organizing or completing a task

Have trouble completing or turning in homework assignments, often losing things (e.g., pencils, toys, assignments) needed to complete tasks or activities

Appear not to be listening when spoken to

Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly

Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others

Struggle to follow instructions

Have trouble understanding details; overlooks details

Hyperactive type:

Fidget or squirm a great deal

Talk nonstop

Dash around, touching or playing with anything and everything in sight

Have trouble sitting still during dinner, school, and while doing homework

Be constantly in motion

Have difficulty performing quiet tasks or activities

Be impatient

Blurt out inappropriate comments, show their emotions without restraint, and act without regard for consequences

Have difficulty waiting for things they want or waiting their turn in games

Often interrupt conversations or others' activities

Okay, so maybe he leans a lot heavier into hyperactive type, but, I mean. Watch him doing stuff, especially in 3 and 4 --- he’s definitely very easily distracted, doesn’t seem to listen a lot, and focus is only kept when he’s really interested in something, otherwise he super ignores it. And details? Ha! What are those, he just jumps in and does things.

As for the hyperactive symptoms, I don’t think I need to point out many specific instances, it’s...we all see it. He’s constantly running his mouth, constantly in motion, constantly moving, playing with things, bouncing on his feet, fidgeting, fighting, moving a lot as he fights...I mean look at him playing with every single new toy he gets immediately, and especially look at him with Cerberus. He’s loud, he’s present, he’s very impatient --- we see that a lot in 3 re: puzzles and locks --- and honestly he’s very good at interrupting people. Not to mention that thing about saying inappropriate things, and being unable to restrain emotions or actions? Definitely Dante, demonstrably so.

Other symptoms Dante definitely has --- and this is speaking as me, an ADHD person, who sees a lot of my bullshit in Dante --- are:

MOTIVATION ISSUES (don’t @ me Vergil): Look at this guy, he can’t or won’t do anything that doesn’t click into his interests (and even then!!) unless he gets pushed or bullied or bribed into it. He needs to be given a significant and heavy reason to get up and do shit, otherwise he’ll just sit around or blow it off and claim pickiness. And sure, he is picky --- because specific criteria on What Will Interest Him is another ADHD thing!! --- but man, even then, you can see in the anime he has to be pushed out the door to get shit done sometimes. This is clearly contributing to his broke situation. And when he’s Depressed it’s worse, look at the state of his office in 5!!

REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA: Now this one isn’t quite as obvious, because he’s REALLY GOOD at pretending he’s fine, but he really does not cope well with being yelled at/rejection/being pushed away by people, especially people he likes. That’s a mood. This was worse by far when he was a kid, and is part of why he’s such a pushover and can easily be bullied into doing things for people he likes or people he wants to like him. He doesn’t want to be rejected or criticized, so time to do what they want me to! No problem, no argument!

SLEEP PROBLEMS: Either he is like LOOK MA NO SLEEP I CAN DO THIS ALL WEEK or he’s sleeping constantly and looking like Rip Van fucking Winkle. Now this does overlap with the depression, but ADHD internal clocks are borked to hell and back, too, so his sleep schedule and how much/little he sleeps is just. What even. How. 

TIME PROBLEMS: Either something is Now or it is Not Now and if it is Not Now it is not worth caring about or worrying about.

IMPULSE CONTROL: As mentioned above, but with the added problem of “what is delayed gratification I don’t know her”, and needing rewards for what he’s doing Now Please Thanks.

DECISION MAKING: When confronted with difficult decisions, either you a) freeze because AAHHHH TOO MUCH or b) just Do Something because panic without thinking. Also what the FUCK is a plan, there are no plans, plans don’t exist.

BOREDOM IS EVIL: No being bored, ever, oh god, nope, fuck that cannot be bored boredom is the devil and causes BAD BAD THINGS. Must always be doing things, needs entertainment, needs stimulation or will quickly devolve into a lump on the couch. If thing is boring, will NOT do it, nope, fuck that.

CHILDLIKE BEHAVIOR: Like whew. I mean. Local 42yo man acts like a 10yo boy pretending to be an 80s action hero like in the movies, constantly, as if he thinks that mimicking that is how Adults Are. And just, generally acting like an enormous child.

WEIRD KID: Just...generally coming off as weird or different or Outside The Norm, not good with normal human social cues and responses to things, acts weird and like an outcast and doesn’t seem to quite fit in with normal people.

FIXATIONS: Pizza pizza pizza NEVER GET BORED OF PIZZA I COULD EAT PIZZA EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE also sundaes. 

MUSIC...GOOD: This is more subjective, but Dante’s thing with music strikes me as a thing mostly because I am that person who NEEDS TO BE LISTENING TO MUSIC ALL THE TIME HOLY SHIT, I CANNOT STAND IF THERE IS NO BACKGROUND NOISE TO MY LIFE. I get so antsy I want to jump off a cliff when there’s no background noise/music in the car and I Need music on to do anything; but at the same time I can’t listen to podcasts or videos because music I just tune out and it’s There, Good, Wonderful, but if it’s something to concentrate on with Words To Understand, it is BAD and it needs Full Focus or I Don’t Hear SHIT. So, yeah, that too.

NON SEQUITURS EVERYWHERE: You know that THING where topic A comes up and in your head you jump ahead five things in a way only you understand, and then you speak up and bring up topic F out of nowhere because YOU got to it in your head but everyone else is like what the fuck, so you kinda shut up or laugh it off? Yeah. Also that other feel when you’re still on topic B but the rest of the group went on to topic C or D and you’re internally screaming because NO I STILL HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY GET BACK HERE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS VOLUME CONTROL THIS IS MY NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE I’M NOT SHOUTING????: Self explanatory.

BAD AT HEARING THINGS: Needs VERY specific instructions, but also things need repeating a lot because he’s quick to accidentally tune stuff out.

READING: Trouble reading LONG blocks of text. Magazines Good, short articles Good.

Local Man Laughs At Own Jokes, WHAT THEY’RE FUNNY

MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING: He did this more as a kid, but it still applies; local child looks like he’s just kind of vibrating quietly but otherwise paying attention? NOPE he’s having an epic adventure in his head and is not listening to a word. Vergil will tell him later if it’s important.

THE LEG BOUNCE: Speaking of, he CANNOT SIT STILL. He’s at the MINIMUM rocking in his seat or bouncing his foot or tapping his fingers, sometimes as chords to a guitar but other times just taptaptap.

Stopping What Is Stopping, or alternatively, HOW TO START EVEN IDK.

Getting/being increasingly SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE but just sitting there with a smile while internally going AAAAAAAAAAAAA in increasing volume, because you have no idea how to disengage.

Things not immediately in view or immediately important Cease To Exist Entirely.

Related, visual exhaustion aka I HAVE LIVED WITH THIS MESS SO LONG THAT THE MESS IS BACKGROUND NOISE AND DOES NOT EXIST TO ME, I NO LONGER SEE IT, IT IS SCENERY.

Is the only member of this family who can drink caffeine, ADHD cancels the effect out.

Actually Pretty Goddamn Smart, but the disconnect of not having any education after 5th grade and that GOOD GOOD RSD thanks to bitchy clients kicked in and he internalized that he’s dumb now oops, might as well not try. See Also That Good Good RSD RE: bitchy dates, guess he’s just A Terrible Date, whoops, gonna just Not do that anymore. Basically if enough people give him shit about a thing, guess he’s just NOT gonna do that thing anymore!! Yep!!!

Bad at doing things The Proper Way, procedures and rules and bureaucracy are BORING GOTTA GET STUFF DONE NOW MY WAY. Never showed his work in math ever. 

Actually really smart, but got in trouble a lot for lack of visibly paying attention, being unable to sit still in class, and not following instructions. He could do the work and do it right, with or without listening to the lecture, but because he did it on his own terms and by his own rules, even if he got the right answer, he got in trouble. RSD convinced him later in life he was an idiot, but he still is really good at out of the box thinking and figuring shit out with limited information.

Gets Frustrated, Stops Doing Thing (or IMPULSIVITY ACTIVATE FORM OF DOING STUPID SHIT TO GET THING DONE)

Bad habit of WORRY when understimulated, also tendency towards insecurity, this is made WORSE x100 by his PTSD. Not to mention a bit of chronic low self esteem because of most of the above.

Low self esteem feeds into really bad self-awareness; he really doesn’t quite understand or process the effects he has on people, for good or ill.

ADDICTIVE!! BEHAVIOR!!! (see: The Booze)

Stopping this here because a) you get my point by now and b) I’M going full ADHD on fixating on this post so I’m cutting myself off here. Anyway, yeah. There’s this.

[1800-seungshine]

responsible.

member: bae jinyoung  genre(s): high school!au, hoobae!jinyoung, fluff summary: all the matters regarding bae jinyoung’s grades is now placed in your hand but it seems like it’s not just his grades that you’re going to take responsibility for. (requested - bullet point format) word count: 2.3k 

note: a requested scenario by an anon! i’m so sorry if it’s really lengthy hahah but i really really hope you like it ;; thank you for requesting, once again it means a lot! as well as that, many thanks for the likes, follows and reblogs - words can’t say how much i truly appreciate it, thank you thank you ; ~ ; < 3

all a’s with a rank that never goes below than top five 

you wouldn’t be a member of the student council for no reason

warm, friendly, responsible and hardworking - you’re the definition of being a blessing 

esp to the teachers bc you’re one of those kids who actually help them and not give them a headache (unlike me smh) 

like tbh you’re not the school president 

but somehow people treat you like you are bc why aren’t you the school president??

you’re even more responsible than the school president and your attendance is better 

the votes are rigged!! jk it’s not 

a lot of students know you, not just because of the student council 

but because you’re a really great tutor 

like the greatest 

you could probably take over the teacher’s job bc everyone just comes to you and asks

that’s why the teachers love you so much lmao 

you have so much patience and kindness that you don’t mind getting bombarded by questions and taking your time to teach others

like forget the religion of hwang minhyun 

that doesn’t exist here bc the religion of the “angelic sunbae” does 

yeah you earned that endearment after some random seventh grade kid yelled that out loud when you were in tenth grade and somehow it stuck with you all the way till your last year of high school

now everyone just refers to you as that name 

and that’s how bae jinyoung knew you at first 

“jinyoung-ah. you see that sunbae? she’s the school’s angelic sunbae.” 

jinyoung looks at the direction of his friend’s point, the smile that lights up on your face and the way your eyes crinkle as you laugh with your friends causes his stomach to churn

but this boi isn’t really the brightest so he thinks he ate something 

yeh like his feelings oOHOOHOH 

“angelic sunbae?” jinyoung softly repeats to himself, his eyes never leaving you.  

that of course wasn’t really proven until his grades drastically dropped 

apparently it dropped so much that his teacher deemed it as concerning 

like the boi only went from 98% to 70% - at least he passes look at me i winged an aural test and if i get 50% i’ll be over the moon

but this cute baby did admit he was struggling with the topic they were currently learning despite feeling so insecure confessing it 

so the teacher was like “issok boi, i gotchu.” 

and by that his teacher meant “lemme hit you up with the only student who i know can do this bc im not dealing with your crap” 

idk if your life is all sorted or you just don’t seem to have one but you happily agreed tho bc why the hek not

hence why you enter the school library and start searching for this student

you weren’t really expecting much bc you’re obviously used to helping other people when it comes to academic things 

bUT HOT DAMN THIS CUTE GUY WITH A SMOL ASS HEAD STARTS CHALLENGING YOU INTO STARING COMPETITION 

and bc he was the only person in that area, you assumed that he was the one you were gonna teach

i mean you were prepared to teach him 

didn’t mean you were prepared for the fact that he was really handsome

you walked up to him with an apologetic smile bc even if you came right on time, he still had to wait and you felt guilty for that 

“sorry, were you waiting long? i didn’t know you’d come earlier.”

meanwhile jinyoung’s just staring at you, looking all flustered and cute bc he’s freaking out on the inside 

he just doesn’t know what to do in front of you so he simply shakes his head bc sha sha sha yknow 

so there’s like this five second silence of awkwardness before you flash a smile at him 

and your smile makes him feel alive again like is that even possible when he’s been living the entire time 

“well i’m y/n and i’m going to tutor you from now on but don’t fret, i’m not that strict and as your tutor, i’ll do my hardest to make things easier for you to understand but don’t be shy and speak up if you have issues okay?” 

he’s not really giving you a reply bc he’s just listening to how nice your voice is since it’s really soft and gentle

after all he hears on a daily is daehwi whining and jihoon with his stupid aegyo experiments so your voice is something he could get used to 

but bc he aint answering, you’re just looking at him waiting for a reply and he’s making this entire thing more awkward than it should be so he just nods

apparently for you, that nod is enough to make you feel happy and giddy so your smile widens and he swears that the whole room just became brighter 

“so, do you wanna get started??” 

tIME SKIP WHOOSH WHOOSH BOIS 

okay so you’ve been tutoring for about a few months, three days a week

at first he clearly wasn’t the talker but that was okay

your social skills were as good as the visuals this boi was blessing you 

but bc you were really friendly, he opened up to you pretty quick 

and now he’s just being a little piece of r00d crap 

nowadays he’s treating you like you’re the younger one by patting your head and using his height advantage to tower over you before giving you that damn cheeky smile 

sometimes he even drops honourifics and calls you whatever he feels like

“did you just call me a little kid- ” “no, sunbaenim. i didn’t say that you must have been hearing things.” 

lol who says you were complaining tho, you’re growing fond of him 

but ofc i made you oblivious so you wouldnt really know that you’re not just fond of him, you like him ahah howbowdah 

meanwhile underneath cheeky!jinyoung is filled-with-anxiety!jinyoung who ain’t up for the fact that he could get busted anytime soon 

busted for numerous reasons 

cos for one, he basically knows everything you’re teaching him bc he’s outright smart 

that topic that he confessed he was struggling with? 

yeah that was highkey a lie, he just didn’t want to outright tell the teacher that he binged watch fancams and fan-made videos of pristin’s joo kyulkyung instead of studying for the exam (pls support pristin btw) 

and second, jinyoung may or may not have started liking you 

it was weird bc at first he thought he was just sick

but what sickness includes symptoms of making excuses to see a person, trying their hardest to make that person laugh and being restless at night bc all they to do is think about the person?? 

that’s right folks 

influenza 

i mean,,,

love yeh that

so those marks of his that doesn’t necessarily show improvement?? 

lmao jinyoung purposefully answers them incorrectly to keep his scores down 

bc you tutoring him is the only way he can keep seeing you 

but haha guess what it’s that time of the semester again where he gets more exams 

this time tho you were gonna motivate him even more 

“okay, baejin.” you say to him, pulling out his favourite drink and placing it on the table 

he’s just looking at it with a cheeky grin, “wahh sunbae, i didn’t know you were the type to bribe people.” 

you playfully glare at him but a smile still reaches up to your face a nano-second later 

“i’m not really the type to and it’s actually my first time.” 

jinyoung just grins, his eyes never leaving you as he leans forward on the table, “i must be special then.” 

of course, you roll your eyes bc wow this kid used to be so shy towards you at the start and look at the boldness he has now tsk tsk

“you are special.” 

enter jinyoung’s heart going ‘dugeun dugeun’ (totally making a snl reference) 

jUST KIDDING HIS HEART’S HAVING A HEART ATTACK IT’S DOING BACKFLIPS IN HIS CHEST 

ok ok why am i getting excited i know the ending to this wheezes 

“ever since mr. jung gave me the responsibility to tutor, your grades also falls into my hands,” you begin in a rather serious tone that is immediately contrasted when he sees you grin again, “and whilst there isn’t really noticeable changes onto your results, this test might determine things so i’d like to propose a deal with you.” 

jinyoung simply raises an eyebrow cos he aint taking you seriously after all the silly antics you’ve been showing him for the past few months 

“y’know, this would have been more effective at the start when i actually took you a little more seriously, sunbae.”

“well, i didn’t think of it earlier okay! i’m human too,” you slam your fists on the table gently with a pout, 

srsly not a good idea to be happily stuffing your face with food bc he took a lot of photos of you, reasoning that “you’re just too cute. i can’t help that.” 

“bUT OI- IM NOT DONE YET. LISTEN TO ME.” 

jinyoung just watches you, laughing to himself bc you’re cute when you’re annoyed. “okay, okay i’m listening.”

“right, well if you get at least over 90% for two out of your upcoming exams - regardless of any subject, i’ll reward you by granting your wish.” 

lmao this boi was doing his best to maintain a poker face and not let out that mischievous smile of his bc he’s gonna pass these test with flying colours.

“well what if i don’t get a 90% for my exams?” he questions causing you to think about it. 

“i don’t know, you can be my slave for three months or something. i’ll think of the consequences later but do we have a deal or not?” 

he leans back on his chair, holding his chin almost as if he’s thinking about it thoroughly 

a huge lie cos he’s just damn pretending 

“hmmm, 90% for all exams and you have yourself a deal.” jinyoung says with a confident smile 

you let out a sound of approval, slowly clapping “since when was little jinyoung so confident? are you sure?” 

“of course! so deal?” he extends his hand 

grinning, you take his hand and firmly shake it, “deal.” 

wHOOP WHOOP ANOTHER TIME SKIP COS HAHA WHY NOT. 

you were waiting for him to arrive, casually sipping your favourite drink and his on the table 

once you see him enter the library, you instantly jump out of your seat 

his exams are finished and the results have been finalised, resting in his bag 

but he’s walking towards you with an unreadable expression 

suddenly you’re feeling anxious and worried bc he looks upset and you don’t like seeing him sad 

“baejin...did it not go well...?” 

he’s looking down, not giving a reply and just lets out a sigh 

your heart’s close to breaking bc he must have put so much effort and hardwork into studying 

yet the next thing you know 

there are these exam papers on the table and it certainly aint yours so you look over them

and all his exam papers were all marked with a’s and nothing below 95% 

so now you’re just confused and standing there frozen bc your brain isn’t processing it well 

five seconds later you look up at him, a fist raised in the air bc you were gonna punch this guy for tricking you 

your tears were gonna come out wth this guy srsly

but you see that smile of his, eyes filled with so much joy that you can’t help to forgive him

“yah! i got so scared - i was gonna start crying.” you whine, slapping his arm lightly 

jinyoung just lets out a laugh, ruffling your hair. “sorry, i just wanted to tease you a little.” 

you roll your eyes but still grin, “whatever, weirdo but i guess i have to keep the promise so as a reward, i will grant one of your wishes! have you thought about it yet??” 

he sends you a wide smile before nodding, “yeap.” 

“okay, what is it?” 

“spend a day out with me.” jinyoung says but instantly back pedals by stuttering a little, “i mean - if you want to though. i’m not forcing you or a-anything.” 

you look a him, trying your hardest not to blush and ignoring that slight skipping of your heart. “so, like a date basically?” 

“i-if you want to consider it as a d-date.” 

“okay. it’s a date then.” 

jinyoung just pauses then looks at you with widened eyes, “wait- what?! really? you’d go on a date with me?” 

so now he’s just freaking out mentally and emotionally bc he was expecting a cold-hard rejection 

he even practiced the situation with daehwi 

you’re just laughing, shaking your head in amusement bc this boy can be really cute, “yeah why not? it’s not every day i get asked out by a cute guy.” 

jinyoung with his red ears, blushing cheeks and grin that goes from ear-to-ear feels like celebrating 

he could go on the table and just dance right there and then if he had no self control 

“but can i ask you something?” you stretch your arm to poke his cheek and he immediately nods his head 

“how did you get above 90% for all your exams? i thought you were struggling with these concepts.” 

jinyoung sends you one hell of a mischievous grin and you can sort of tell that something isn’t right, slightly stepping backwards as he begins to explain, “i may or may not have been lying about my low grades...?” 

“oH MY GOD. BAE JINYOUNG - WERE YOU JUST TRICKING ME THE ENTIRE TIME??” 

“ONLY BECAUSE I LIKE YOU! FROM NOW ON, YOU HOLD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY GRADES AND MY HEART.” 

“THAT DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR IT - i mean it does bUT STILL! COME BACK HERE!” 

and hence to end the day, jinyoung blasts out the library and into the beautiful sunset, laughing away as you start to follow suit and beginning the chasing game.  

[apromisetofeelmore]

18 June 2018

oops. missed an entire week.

yesterday i wrote these questions with answers in mind. i’ll try answer them now.

WHAT IS GODS DIRECTION OVER YOUR LIFE

I know i’m called to build His house, and to do whatever i do in my life to bring glory to Him. so even if i don’t work for church - it’s always for Him. That if I focus on that, everything else will follow. so I always want to be connected to a church, and to use whatever is in my hands to bring Him glory.

WHAT DECISIONS DO YOU NEED TO MAKE TO FOLLOW THAT DIRECTION

I thought R was going to make a point in his sermon that he didnt so i’m writing it down instead. 

He sees himself as 3 different versions. Past. Present. Future.

The person I am today is, for better or for worse, because of the decisions Past Me made. Present Me knows Past Me very well, and can see how Past Me’s decisions has brought Present Me here. Present Me has learned from Past Me’s wins and mistakes. However Present Me doesn’t know Future Me all that well. Future Me could go off the rails. May not love the same things I love now. So it’s important to also know that Present Me can also set up or stuff up Future Me. 

And that’s not revolutionary but an awesome way to think. Because, possibly about 90% of the time, all I’m thinking about is how I feel in the moment. That’s why I fall for ads so easily. I see something, it’s enticing, I give in. And I am now happy. 

But what does consuming 5 coke floats in 1 week do to my body and future well-being? 

I guess I’ve never really thought about it like this until R said it: while I dream of a better life, a better body, a wiser future self - that’s not gonna happen if I keep making dumb decisions that only benefit me in a fleeting moment.

I actually need to make conscious decisions to set myself up in the future. wow. 

WHAT DECISIONS CAN YOU TAKE AWAY TO STAY IN THAT DIRECTION

R also talked about giving yourself less decisions. Help your future self by not even being in a situation where you have the slight option to make a dumb / wrong decision. 

“Barricade the road that goes nowhere.”

I need to be more aware of these situations. Like today I decided to go to Seashore but not spend money on food but just go to spend time with the ladies. I ordered a hot chocolate. No thang, right? I go to pay and it’s $5. I’ve never really paid attention to how much things cost there, and I thought the drink would only be $3 or $4. 

Then I started thinking and I came to the conclusion that I don’t even really like the food there. And there’s probably things / food I can do without purchasing if I just back my(future)self more. If I don’t like seashore food then I shouldn’t buy it. But because I also want to build relationships, I’m not gonna stop myself from going to seashore to enjoy the ambiance and the company but I’m not going to buy a $15 burger. 

WHAT THINGS DO YOU FEAR WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DONT FOLLOW THE DIRECTION GOD HAS SET FOR YOU.

I just think that if bad choices don’t have immediate consequences, they’re gonna come back around somewhere sometime in the future and trip you up. Almost like they’re open doors that the devil can use to come in to your life and muck it up. I also don’t want to live in constant fear, I want to live a life that comes from the desire to follow Christ and live the life he has planned for me. But yeah, sometimes, those thoughts creep in. Like oh you’re gonna struggle in this area because this. Or you’re not gonna be able to get married because you don’t have the money because you want it so much but you never actually saved the money for it. that kind of stuff.

But really, I’ve been redeemed. And God provides, as long as I am also deliberate, diligent and faithful with what I’ve been given.

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE FOR  IN YOUR FUTURE

I know I’m gonna be a mom. a mum. somehow, some way, i’m gonna be a mum. i haven’t prayed about it lately, but i always had this picture of 5 kids. M only wants 2. But I feel like I can only go down to 3. 

And (this is a big deal writing it here, I don’t think I’ve ever said this to anyone) but at one meeting, can’t remember what it was, I was praying and thinking about my future, our future, our legacy, and I got this sense that maybe the future is not going to look like how I imagine it. 

Maybe having kid will be hard. Maybe we will only have 2. And there was a whisper of “prepare your heart” if that was going to be the case, because either way, I would still mother many kids. The future could look completely different from how I picture it.

So with that in my heart, I just start thinking about what we get to impart to our kids as they grow. I want them to grow in God’s house. I want them to live a life of purpose, to know God and encounter him, and be people who are thoughtful, kind, gracious, wise, faithful, compassionate, and generous. 

And who do we have to become as people, as parents, to be able to bring up people like that? We would need to become that. 

Yknow? The decisions I’m making now don’t actually just affect me right now, heck they don’t even just affect me tomorrow, or me in August of 2019, or me trying to have a baby, or me giving birth to our first child. Like the decisions I make now is going to affect every child we parent, and their kids, and their kids’ kids. 

So I’ve been thinking a lot about that. Not just that I want to make sure that I live a life I can be proud of, a life that Jesus would look down on and smile, but also a life that helps shape the lives of those that follow.