#but i dont have the time or energy to devote to that bc making patterns takes time and materials

[isa-ah]

been following you since PRE bubblegum karkat days and it’s been really nice watching you grow and heal and whenever i see you on my dash and think of your growth it reminds me of my own healing journey. i find that really nice

HAHA that was AGES ago dude. my god. i cant believe youre still around, that was like, the worst of it LOLOL weve both probably come a looong way since then, yeah. life used to be abysmal but now ive got my hubby and mother in law and were moving to nola next month so theres nothing to fear =')

[magical-agatha]

vent, dont reblog.

cant readmore on mobile soz

all that did was leave me tired and confused. i am traumatised and damaged and prone to running away or hiding or freezing or fawning. but i have enough control over myself and enough awareness that i can, almost always, stop myself from hurting anyone. even when im terrified and my head is screaming to run. i have enough control to think about what is happening and what i actually want to do. im not like the ppl described in that. i am traumatised heavily. but i dont lash out. especially not now. maybe a small snap when i panic or im hysterical and struggling to control myself. but thats only when its bad. the kind of panic where my brain cant process thoughts properly anymore and i can barely think and i have to devote all my energy to staying real and not thinking about suicide. i dont lash out i just put up walls. but i only put up walls when talking cant work. i cant talk to an ace exclusionist or a transmed, i cant change them. i cant afford the energy to try and nor am i capable of convincing them. they have to learn for themselves. so i block them to avoid them and feel sad and angry about it. if i can talk i do. if talking has a chance of working i talk. and its hard and sometimes i mess it up. but when it should work it does work. cuz some ppl wont listen or see things from my perspective. bc they dont want to. i tell them they hurt me. and they say it was my own fault or gaslight me. when it wasnt. i dont blame ppl for things they havent done. that makes no sense. and i dont blame ppl for the sake of it. if someone i can talk to hurts me i think about it. cry probably. consult my gf and my psych and maybe other friends. then i talk to the person if i can. if they care they listen. sometimes i dont get it right. sometimes i mess up bad. but if i do i listen. and i try to change and i apologise. and the ppl i keep in my life all do the same. we talk and we listen and we try to be better people. and the ones who wouldnt communicate turned out to be the ones more often than not that contributed to my trauma. and a lot of them i think about more than id like. and i wish they were still in my life and had listened and had been better. but they werent. they made choices. they blamed me or dismissed me when i tried to communicate. and so we dont talk.

there were things i messed up in most of those situations. but i apologised and i learnt from the mistakes i made and i grew. which is what im supposed to do. grow.

so im not like the people that was describing. not in the way im scared of being. i am small and tired and traumatised but i dont make callouts, especialky not for personal disputes. i dont gaslight ppl or acuse them of abuse prematurely or innapropriately. i try to resolve conflict responsibly. bc i have made a lot of mistakes in the past. and i dont want to repeat them. bc i want to be better. i want to be a good person. and most importantly i want to have friends and loved ones and a community. and building a community means i need to have second and third thoughts and i need to watch myself and learn from all my mistakes bc i want to be better and thats how you get better. i think im lucky in my capacity for self awareness. not only is my brain extremely good at pattern recognition and being critical, which i think are in part from an overactive like, part of the brain that senses danger, but i can see it and control it and i can turn it inward and watch myself. and i can watch myself watching myself. and sometimes it messes me up and i hurt myself or wear myself out but i need to be critical. not all the time not too much. not to the point of hurting myself. and im getting better at balance. but being able to watch myself like i can is extremely useful. and i think it might be an uncommon trait. based on people ive known and disliked. and people i see out in the world. and based on an awful lot of thinking and guessing. i think most ppl cant do this. and i think thats why certain things are the way they are. im too tired to articulate. but as much as i hate my trauma and how much it has destroyed me. there is a silver lining. i will make the best of a bad situation.

i will move in with my gf. i will learn and grow and gradually i will stop being scared all the time. and ill be better. ill have friends and family. and ill keep the useful skills i learnt frok being sick and from trauma. like second and third thoughts. and first sight. and all the other stuff ive grown because of. and hopefully ill shed most of the pain. and the intrusive thoughts. and the parts of my brain intent on sabotaging me. undermining me when im weak. ill stop dissociating maybe even too. i might never be able to remember things well or process thoughts consistently or reliably but there is always a way around problems like that and ive already learnt a lot about doing that. my memory isnt an issue. my gf remembers the important stuff i dont. and i write things down and set reminders. and i have old messages and posts to read thru. and screenshots and photos too. and gifts and mementos and paths in my head i can follow if i try hard enough. if i keep digging i can find things i lost. sometimes. so memory is handled. but other stuff still needs work. like executive dysfunction or focus or consistency or sleep.. speaking of which. its past 4am. i should sleep.