#i dont talk about my daily life much actually its usually just specific shit so im taking the opportunity to say.

[isa-ah]

been following you since PRE bubblegum karkat days and it’s been really nice watching you grow and heal and whenever i see you on my dash and think of your growth it reminds me of my own healing journey. i find that really nice

HAHA that was AGES ago dude. my god. i cant believe youre still around, that was like, the worst of it LOLOL weve both probably come a looong way since then, yeah. life used to be abysmal but now ive got my hubby and mother in law and were moving to nola next month so theres nothing to fear =')

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i'm on my aspd izaya bullshit again but like. thru this lens, isnt his arc a perfect encapsulation on how aspd negatively affects the person that has it? even to this day, many professionals do not believe that pwASPD suffer from aspd. like at all. to the point where aspd was specifically listed as an outlier to the "patient distress is what defines a disorder" rule in an abnormal psych textbook

(see why i don't respect the field?)

but... he does suffer! a lot! like- remember his speech to mikado at the end of the first arc? how you need to keep evolving, keep changing in order to escape the mundane? how you have to keep going and going and going, wether it be aiming high or low?

yeah. normal people don't need to do this, izaya. you are a broken person.

but why SHOULD he be content with the mundane? the things people usually have that make them content with daily life- friends, family, a purpose, a distinct lack of extreme chronic boredom that drives you to do completely insane shit- izaya doesn't HAVE any of that!

"wait, chronic boredom?" i hear yall thinking. maybe. "isnt that an adhd thing?"

more than one disorder can have the same symptom. theres like a billion that have "want to die" as a symptom. but i dont really blame you for not knowing, its not talked about much

studies have shown that aspd and adhd are both problems with the dopamine receptors in the brain. more specifically, adhd is a chronic deficiency of dopamine, whereas with aspd, when you DO get dopamine, your brain gives you quardruple the normal amount.

studies have ALSO shown there to be a sort of... adhd to aspd pipeline. the story goes like this: you have a kid with adhd. maybe they're born like that, maybe the symptoms developed from trauma (which can happen? apparently??) anyway. kid gets abused. kid develops conduct disorder as a result of that abuse, as a natural extension of the existing adhd symptoms. they're MORE impulsive, which leads to them hurting others- and if it sets off the dopamine receptors, an abused kid starving for happiness and power is gonna chase it, no matter what. theyre like, six, they dont know anything about like. morality. all they know is, theyre sad and this makes them happy. anyway kid never gets treated, abuse continues to exasperate the symptoms, and now you have an adult with aspd, AND the original adhd diagnosis! and ptsd, which is HIGHLY comorbid with aspd! and probably another personality disorder, because you're actually statistically more likely to have two of them!

anyway! that's ONE of the ways aspd can develop from trauma, which it is Known To Do.

does any of that sound pleasant to go through? at all?

let me ask you a question:

imagine you aren't getting dopamine. maybe it's your adhd. maybe you're depressed. either way, you try to get it any way you can. wether it's throwing yourself into a hobby or a job, so the sense of satisfaction gives you dopamine, or something like drugs or gambling.

now, imagine that "rush" you felt. was Four Times Stronger.

wouldnt that compel you to do increasingly dangerous and risky shit, just to feel okay? imagine if you had no friends. imagine if this was your only way to be happy. wouldnt you, eventually, stop caring about others and only care about yourself? after all, other people have thinga like friends and a family that you don't have. they have a fallback. you only have this.

and you might say, "i'd never do that!" but every addict says that, and most eventually cross that line out of sheer desperation. and this? effectively makes you into a dopamine addict. which is dangerous! you can't just STOP... gettng dopamine....! it's necessary! but you have no help so you keep doing what youre doing. (and how could you get help? its baked into the system that people like you don't suffer. why try if youll just get burned?

anyway, back to izaya.

he's lonely. he has one friend and he sucks. he feels compelled to do these things even though he KNOWS it'll hurt him.

i stole this screenshot from some1 who insulted my friend once for something stupid <3 die

but it illustrates my point very well! does it look like he has much control over things?? he sure like to ACT like he does, but at the end of the day, he doesn't, really. he ends up spiraling more and more, doing increasingly risky and rash things, just to get his end goal... which is to die and ascend to the afterlife. a lofty goal.

aiming high, isn't he? a final, spectacular evolution.

or, it should have been.

but it wasn't.

izaya's impulses and deep desire to continue becoming more and more drastic, coupled with his lack of personal ties to anyone that could keep him from doing so....

it didn't make him ascend. it left him in a wheelchair, with chronic pain that will last his whole life.

THAT is where mental illness takes you. it doesn't make you a hollywood psychopath, reveling in the destruction you chose, of your own free will, wholly and truly, to cause. it makes you want More. no matter what, you need More. you see people content with lives worse than yours, everyone bound together with some sort of invisible thread, some sort of tie that keeps them together. a thread that missed you. your brain refuses to see people as people, thus you remain lonely forever, unsatiafied wirh company other than the superficial, because it's fun. that's all you're allowed to care about. an endless cycle of bigger and bigger actions, impulses slowly getting worse--

--and the worst part is, it tricks you into believing you ever had a choice. it tricks everyone into believing you had a choice. your suffering is worse than disregarded, to all the people you look at from your apartment, all the people you wish you could have been like.

it's nonexistant.

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

hi again 🥺🥺 this is for the match ups you are doing :))

appearance :: i am 5'4 and have brown hair and eyes, though my eyes are a little green with sunlight too. i can say i have a curvy body(? and i was told i have a cute and bright smile.

personality :: when i first meet someone i tend to be very shy, sometimes i even barely speak. but once i get to know someone i open myself up a little more (still, i find it very hard to open up to things that are personal or make me sad). i could say im calm, positive and patient but i tend to be jealous a lot and sensitive over not so important things. i do have a tendency to put others before me way too much which causes me to forget about myself.

hobbies :: i love to read ! i usually use my savings for buying new books or mangas :)) i also like painting and drawing but i dont know if i should count those as hobbies now bc they are very related to what im majoring in. I love playing the guitar and listening to some calming music while laying in bed.

aesthetic :: my favorite aesthetics are cottagecore and goblincore. however in my daily life i use a combination of both + a little bit of light academia <3

likes :: greek mythology, conspiracy theories, kdramas, romance and adventure books, fantasy, mushrooms 🥺, cats, guitars, picnics, inceses, meditations, study dates, libraries, watercolors and relaxing//acoustic music.

mbti + zodiac sign :: with my mbti is kinda difficult to say because i took different tests and i had two different types as results:: INFJ and INFP. i relate to both in a lot of ways but i still find myself relating to more people or characters that are INFP. my zodiac sign is virgo, my rising taurus and my moon leo.

type :: i dont know if i have a type? i would love to date someone who understands me and makes me feel loved. who's love language are words of affirmation or/and physical touch. someone who, if he does not share interests with me or preferences in dates, can adapt and be willing to learn about the things that i like. someone who will cheer me up. maybe a little dorky? i dont mind if they are not extroverted as long as we help each other to get out of our comfort zone :)) in appearance maybe just not too beefy ah 😅 lol but other than that, someone who will respect me and will make me smile

i think that is it? sorry for making it so long and thank you sooo much for taking your time to do this 🥺🥺 have a great day 💛💛💛

@budibbly

Romantic Matchup

Tendou Satori

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐘𝐚'𝐥𝐥 𝐌𝐞𝐭

Ok picture this...

Shonen Jump just came out with a new LIMITED EDITION magazine

These things are just disappearing off shelves

BUT

There is one. Singular. Copy in the store you are currently at

Obviously you see it

And OBVIOUSLY your gonna go get it!

However when you reach to grab it your hand touched the hand of the one and only

Tendou Satori

Both of you had a deadly tight grip on this magazine rn

Neither of you are backing down

You look him dead in the eyes

“I’m sorry sir but I do believe I touched this first”

He looked right back at you

“I’m sorry ma’am but I’m pretty sure I was the one who touched it first”

You both went back and forth bickering about who should get to have the magazine

And that’s when Tendou came out with the GENIUS idea of...

Rock. Paper. Scissors.

Simple, whoever wins gets the magazine

Thus the match began

Long story short Tendou lost 2-1

Seeing his sad face you decided to be nice and offered to read it together at the nearby park

Of course he was gonna agree this is SHONEN JUMP WERE TALKING ABOUT

So you both headed to the park to read

Honestly you busted out the entire magazine within an hour

And after you finished it you two talked about it for about another hour

And shit since you we’re both at the park, why not have a little fun

You guys spent the rest of the day messing around on the playground

You know... harassing kids and shit

And when it was time to go home you both agreed to meet back up next week to discuss more manga

This became sort of a routine for you two

Every Friday you guys would meet up somewhere and talk about or read some manga

And then afterwards you two would go find something fun to do

And over time he started having feelings for you

But poor boy was to scared to tell you

But lucky for him, you also grew to have feelings for him

So YOU where actually the one to confess :D

And he obviously said yes :)

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮

Omg cheesy moment real quick

He loves your smile

Absolutely fricken adores it

Like he will do ANYTHING to see you smile

He loves how positive you can be!

Sometimes Tendou can get a little down on himself

But you can always pick him back up and get him smiling again!!

And he gladly does the same for you :)

Honesty

He likes the fact that you get a little jealous 👀

To him it just shows that you care a lot about him

Annnnd last one

He loves the fact that you enjoy manga as well :D

Because you both have something to do together that you both enjoy!

𝐅𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐓𝐨 𝐃𝐨 𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

Ok so he obviously likes reading manga with you

HOWEVER

One of his favorite things to do with you is

🥁 🥁 🥁

Exploring mythology with you!!

Honestly tendous kinda into that witchy type of aesthetic

So mythology, crystals, spirits, he’s ALL for it

One time he even invited you ghost hunting ❤️

Fun times

But I’m pretty sure y’all have a ghost tied to you 😀

𝐑𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐜

Tendou loves taking you to haunted places!

He genuinely thinks he can talk to ghosts...

He always links your conspiracy theories to paranormal activity

He loves to meditate with you

Especially before a game 😁

He says it “grounds” him

Ever since y’all met you take turns buying weekly shonen jump magazines and snacks

Ok Tendou likes painting

But he ALWAYS makes a mess

Why?

Because he specifically likes FINGER painting 🥲

𝐀𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲

When Taurus and Virgo come together in a love affair, it’s a union of innate practicality.

Both of these Signs employ practicality in their daily lives as the most efficient means to most problems.

They can be quite sincere and devoted to one another; as people, both have a great deal of integrity.

Virgo likes Taurus’s strength and dedication while Taurus appreciates Virgo’s quick mind.

Due to Virgo’s naturally cautious nature, this relationship can take awhile to develop, but once it’s established that both partners are in it for the long haul, it’s like a runaway locomotive, running on its own power and difficult to stop.

These two Signs have much in common: They highly value common sense and practicality; they’re both materialistic but work hard for the creature comforts they so enjoy.

Taurus is more sensual and indulgent than Virgo is; Virgo tends to be the inhibitive force in the relationship, tending not to get involved in the chaos of life in favor of analyzing all available options.

Virgo’s analysis leads to criticism, which Taurus can tend to take too seriously. Conversely, Taurus’s stubborn nature can get on Virgo’s nerves, causing Virgo to criticize even more!

This pair must take care not to take one another too seriously.

The good thing is, they’re similar enough that they can learn to be patient with one another, especially Virgo, who loves to indulge Taurus’s penchant for fine treatment and good food.

Their dedication to working toward the same goals.

Both partners enjoy luxury and nice things, and Virgo likes helping Taurus achieve their goals.

Their common interests and desires make theirs a highly compatible relationship.

𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐀𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜

𝓜𝔂𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓬𝓼 ✨ 🔮 ✨

[kingneptunesthinninghead]

How much do you weigh? what a weirdly personal question

If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? sitting in the shade reading a book

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? yes but not in a way that will ever be truly fulfilling

What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? i live in a very rural area so i grew up with hunting for sport extremely normalized but once i actually developed and used my critical thinking skills i realized how morally reprehensible it is. literally just begging these people to use their brains.

Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? eh its pretty fast

Have you ever been someplace tropical? florida lmao

Are you sensitive to caffeine? somewhat. i dont really consume it that much

How do you usually get around? driving myself

Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? no bc i’m generally pretty independent unless i reallyyyy like someone

What do you think about Kim Kardashian? neutral

Can you speak any French? je parle un peu français

Favorite yogurt flavor? i’m lactose intolerant so i recently tried dairy free yogurt and i hated it sooo i guess none

How much money do you have in your wallet right now? i dont have any cash in my wallet rn lol

What bottled water brand do you like? deer park or aquafina

Your favorite way to eat chocolate? brownies

How often do you listen to country music? sometimes.

Linkin Park or Avenged Sevenfold? neither

Last surgery you had? my wisdom teeth surgery

Have you ever played guitar? no but i wish i could

Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? um i dont think so

What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? a little more confidence

Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? maybe

Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? i dont have very many online friends anymore but when i had a bunch i loved talking to them

Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? only for something i really like.

Do you have any stickers on your laptop? a bunch

Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? early in the morning so then i have the rest of the day to myself when i get off

Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? i have a workout app but that’s it.

Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? my mom, sister, and my 2 best friends

If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? probably the women’s suffrage movement or the civil rights movement

Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it?i want to tell him how i feel but i’m afraid i’ll ruin the friendship

What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? wear a tampon i’m sorry but i can’t do it

Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever come to your door? no

Are you well-known by people in your area? eh somewhat

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no and i dont want to

What's your favourite type of bird? owls!!

What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? i’m watching loki, hsmtmts, planning to watch s2 of never have i ever, and i started one piece but i haven’t watched in a while

Have you ever dated a smoker? no but that might change😳

Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? no

Have you ever been a member in a band? No.

Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No.

Do you have separate emails for personal and business? i have my school email and personal email

Have you ever missed a flight? no

Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? i think so.

Have you ever taken a ride in a convertible? i literally rode in my best friend’s convertible last night lmao

Why did you last need to use a band-aid? i dont remember

What fruit do you eat most often? bananas and clementines

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? maybe my great uncle?

Has someone ever tried to start an argument with you over Facebook? What happened? no but i’ve been in a few on insta and twitter.

Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? i don’t straight up drink milk but i love things made with almond milk.

If you could experience life as a Disney princess for a week, which princess would you pick and why? elsa i want ice powers

When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? sometimes but normally during the day i’m in the living room with my family

If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? No.

Do you find piercings attractive? Yep.

Do you like potato chips? Loooove 'em.

What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? i’ve looked up a few people’s houses on zillow in my day.

Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? absolutely, you shouldn’t hit anyone

What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? my top 3 are princess and the frog, tangled, and frozen 2. i also love the little mermaid

Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. idrk

“Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? it depends on what it is. it should also be mixed with some loving or praise talk imo

What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? i LOVE italian food specifically fettuccine alfredo and i also love asian food such as general tso’s, sweet and sour chicken, lo mein, shrimp fried rice, LUMPIA 🤤

How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? i’ve always liked my hair color and thickness. i always go back and forth between growing it out long and cutting it short bc i can never choose which i like more also it has lots of red undertones so i’m thinking about dyeing it a deep red

How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? hypothetically it would be a red flag to me. a clear sign they haven’t moved on from the past

Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? a good smelling cologne on a man will quite literally make me bust a nut.

Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? i’d want them to unless it didnt fit or something

What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? i’m very close with my family so i’ve always loved the idea of having one of my own with my future spouse

Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? i definitely have ideas for my wedding and i would want it to go a certain way according to our plan but in the end if things go wrong or plans change it wouldn’t matter as long as i’m marrying the loml.

Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? i wouldn’t consider it cheating if he was just watching but i would be angry that he hid it from me

How old is too old for trick-or-treating? i dont think it matters unless ur posing a danger to little children

Do you sleep with your arms over or under the covers? depends but mostly under

Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band? i have nsync and harry styles shirts but thats it

Fries or onion rings? Fries.

True/False: you’ve had an odd dream this week. all the time but most of the time i forget them right after i wake up

Do you find tattoo sleeves attractive? depends

Do you like carving pumpkins? Yeah.

What’s an animal you want to have as a pet but can’t? i think raccoons are adorable but its kindaaaa hard to domesticate them

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? no bc my parents let me drink in the house and i’ve told them abt every time i’ve drank at college

How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? i would absolutely piss and shit on myself.

Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? no

The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? i would stop it even if i want to bc i don’t want them to regret anything and i wouldn’t want them to kiss me if they don’t like me bc it would hurt too much.

What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? i would love them all but something abt a guy taking the time to write a poem for me makes me melt

Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? no.

Which holiday is the most fun to decorate for? halloween

What was the first website you had an email account on? gmail

Have you ever written a fanfic? YES AHSHDH.

Tattoos or piercings? tats for sure.

What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? the scene where alexei breaks the inmate’s wrist in black widow is SO GROSS i cringe every time

Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? definitely a little cozy one

Do you have a tutor for anything? No.

Who’s the best kisser you know? i’ve only kissed one person.

Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. I'd like it to stay that way.

(If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shortie" instead of girl? no and i hope they dont

Do you have a deep voice? not really

Do you play games with boys/girls, like 'hard to get’? no thats dumb

Is there a Sonic where you live? yes i’m a whore for sonic

What do you like on your pizza? pepperoni or sausage

[isa-ly]

I’M GETTING A DIVORCE

TW: eating disorders, body image, weight, mental illness, depression, anxiety

Yesterday evening was rough. Completely out of the blue, getting-hit-by-a-freight-train type of rough. Usually, when these evening or days occur, I just kind of tend to start fresh the next day and pretend they never happened. Because everyone has bad days, even if you’ve worked hard to restore your general mental health, and it’s okay to just let those days pass and work on being kinder to yourself once the sun rises again.

However, I also want to actively work on not simply ignoring them all together, because while it’s a good thing not to dwell on bad days for too long, it’s also a good thing to not just repress them. And as we all know, I’m quite guilty of doing the latter and labeling it as “fine” when, in fact, it is everything but fine. Keeping a positive spirit is admirable but shutting out everything that cracks the surface of your facade is just not gonna work in the long run. Every emotion is valid and if I can acknowledge feeling happy and comfortable, I can just as well acknowledge feeling sad and shitty.

So, I’m making a compromise. While I don’t really want to talk about how and why yesterday evening was rough, I am still going to talk about something else that sometimes feels equally as hard and difficult to me. As already mentioned in the trigger warnings, there’s going to be talk about eating disorders, specifically anorexia nervosa, as well as body image and weight again. So, if that is in any way harmful to you and you own journey, feel free to just drop this post like a hot potato. (I think this actually is a German proverb, but it sounds so funny in English, so I’m just going for it.)

Now, what I’m about to say might sound somewhat controversial or really, really fucked up but I’ve found that when it comes to eating disorders (and any other mental illness, really), the darkest parts are often the ones you have to really take a good look at, even if it hurts and sounds shocking. And calling them out, dragging them into the open to point at them with your finger, is the only thing that will make them palpable enough to get rid of them. Once again, the Harry-Potter-boggart analogy works quite well here.

Shame and fear fester comfortably in the darkest corners of your brain, like a disgusting mold that slowly takes over. And I don’t really want a moldy brain, so I once again want to use this blog openly talk about something that is nothing short of crappy and awful, in order to take some of its power away. And also just to be honest, with myself and everyone else who happens to read this.

There’s a lot of reasons why it’s incredibly hard to recover from an eating disorder. Of course nothing is impossible, least of all recovery, but I still struggle almost every single day to keep pushing forward. Sometimes that struggle is close to nothing, sometimes it’s manageable and sometimes it seems like the end of the world. And one of the many reasons why it can feel like that last one, is what I and many others who have suffered from this illness like to call “nostalgia for your eating disorder”.

I think we can all agree that regardless of whether you have one or not: Eating disorders are shit. They really suck ass, to no one’s surprise. If I had one wish and one wish only to make, I wouldn’t even have to hesitate a single second: It would be for my ED to vanish forever and never return. Easy. So, then why in the living hell would I feel nostalgic for it? Why would I be hesitant to call my ED out for the life-ruining piece of shit it is? Why do I sometimes catch myself wishing back the times where I would go to bed hungry, where I would feel so in control despite never really having it? Where I would lie and deceive and watch my life slowly fall apart? What idiot would miss something like that?

Well ... an idiot with an eating disorder. 

Alright, I’m not an idiot. And neither is anyone else who feels nostalgia towards this illness. Because even if it sounds ridiculous and outrageous: It’s in fact completely normal to have these thoughts and feelings.

I’ve mentioned before how, when I first crashed into the world of anorexia, it felt like I had completely lost myself and what I had considered to be my personality to this new, foreign entity that had taken over my life in a matter of days. Because actually, for a lot of people – myself included – that is exactly what eating disorders are: A filler for a gap that you don’t know how to close yourself. Like a plug to a tub that has been running out, or a bandaid to a wound that won’t stop bleeding. It’s an emergency solution to a problem that threatens to swallow you. And often times, emergency solutions can’t be analyzed or fact-checked for risk and danger because, well, it’s an emergency. And you’ll accept anything you can get to rescue yourself in that moment.

Back when I developed anorexia, I was completely lost in life. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be and trying to answer that question overwhelmed me so much, that the only way to cope was to let someone, something else, fill the big black hole that was ripping itself through my chest. Coping comes in all shapes and forms. And mine had the form of a sneaky and cunning eating disorder. 

Often, that is why personality and eating disorders go hand in hand. Because it’s so much more than just an illness that fucks up the way you eat and live. It’s a whole new face you get to put on. It’s terrifying, but that terror is exciting and new because it’s an opportunity. It makes you miserable but at least it makes you something. It fills that void, that fear of being lost. It gives you purpose, and it gave me purpose too when I was at my very lowest. I didn’t know who I was or what to do and anorexia gave me a set of rules, a daily schedule and Do’s and Dont’s that I had to follow, as it watched over me like a hawk. 

Sometimes I see it almost like a parasite, like that weird alien from The Thing that takes on the form of a person to trick you into thinking it’s your friend. Anorexia is very, very skilled at that. And because it’s so skilled at it, it manages to completely convince you of the fact that it is now a crucial part of you that you will never, ever be able to let go again. It’s almost like a personality substitution and that’s exactly why it gets so hard to see it as something entirely foreign that you need to get rid of instead of clinging onto it.

And here’s the thing: As I started recovery and as I started fighting against everything anorexia told me to do, I realized that this fight also meant going back to my very old problem of not knowing who I was. In all the time of being sick and starving, I was at least “relieved” of the burden of having to question what I wanted from life. Not a very balanced deal, I know, but again: emergency solution. 

However, now that I was finally trying to get better and heal, that age old question came back again: What the fuck am I doing? And I could hear my eating disorder chuckling at the back of my mind:

That’s right. I might be ruining your life but who are you without me? No one. You have no idea what to do or where to go. You have no idea who you even are. That’s why I’m here. And besides: Nobody knows you like I do.

And that’s another part of the reason for nostalgia. Please forgive the poor comparison but the closest I can get to making an analogy to it, is to compare it to the principle of Stockholm Syndrom. Just so maybe the notion of it can be understood easier. Because anorexia is abusive and horrible, it literally made me starve myself, made me depressed and hate everything about life. It caged me in and held me captive to the point where I had no freedom, no choice, no joy or happiness left. It ruined everything. 

And all the while it caused me all of that horror, it’s also the only other thing, the only other “person”, voice, existence in my head that shares those memories with me. That knows exactly what I went through. Because we went through it together. It caused me all this pain and trauma – but it also shared it with me. I was never alone, not really, because even when I felt like there was no one or nothing left: Anorexia was always there. Every second of the day and every step of the way. I, it, both of us, know things that to this day, are unspeakable to me. That to this day, I haven’t told anyone because the fact that I was capable of doing such things, still scares me every time I think about them.

We share what are undoubtedly the worst and most painful memories of my entire life and as much as I fucking hate it, I cannot undo this connection. It’s a fucked up bond that I will always have with my eating disorder, even if it makes me angry and frustrated. It’s a connection I never asked for or wanted, but it’s still there and all I can do is learn how to process it in a way where it no longer holds me back and defines me.

Which is the reason for today’s blog title, by the way.

Actually, I got that analogy from a documentary about, you guessed it, eating disorders. In it, one of the counselors at an inpatient clinic compared recovery to the process of divorce. An eating disordered person might very well be aware that they’re in a bad, almost abusive relationship with themselves, or in this case: with their eating disorder. And they might very well be aware that the only way to get better is to let go and move on. But just like in so many divorce situations or break ups, this is way easier said than done. Because there is heaps of memories and emotions connected to this disorder that make you feel close to it, in a way. Feelings of accomplishment, of ambition, of thrill and yes, sometimes even feelings of happiness. False happiness, of course. But even the illusion of a false sense of joy is something that can be very powerful when you’re already beaten down. 

When you’re in such a dark place and your disorder takes over your life, it takes on almost human-like properties. It’s like a friend or a partner, it’s the only relationship you’re still able to have, the only one you are “true” to because everyone else you care about, you lie to. Anorexia isolates, just like any other mental illness tends to do, and it isolated me too. I tried my best to keep face but truthfully, when I was at my lowest, it felt like my eating disorder had managed to break into places of me that had never seen the light of day before. And it had built itself its own little nest there and gotten so comfortable and settled, that the thought of ever kicking it out, terrified my just as much as the thought of continuing to live with it.

I mentioned before that I sometimes avoid talking about anorexia like a separate entity that has its own mind, just so it doesn’t seem like it’s bigger than me. Clearly, I’m not doing that now. Because if I’m fully honest, to me, it’s kind of both and also neither. One one hand, I can feel it as something that sits at the back of my brain, at the back of my neck, at the back of my every thought. It’s something I can visualize, hear, feel with every move I make. And on the other hand, it’s not an actual person. Because it’s still just me, it’s how I think and do things, it’s an extension of my need for control. I can’t just separate it into its own realm of existence because we both live in my own brain. We share that space and sometimes anorexia and its opinions and leverage are bigger, sometimes they’re smaller – but for over a year now, they have always been there, one way or another.

So, letting go of it, bidding it goodbye and trying to claim back the space my anorexia has been taking up for so long now, is hard. Because it’s like letting go of a part of myself. A part that causes me pain and suffering, yes. But a part of me nevertheless. And anorexia is a very hot-headed tenant, let me tell you that much. It does not like to be evicted, at all. But it’s not about what my disorder wants, it’s about what I want. And what I need. And that is to live a life free of the boundaries of my eating disorder. Even if it means not fully knowing who I am.

In my last therapy session that I went to, I talked about all of this to Kerstin. About feeling nostalgic and catching myself dwelling in memories that others would probably gasp at in shock. Gladly, Kerstin didn’t gasp because, well, she’d be a crap therapist if she did. But she’s a good one, lucky me. Anyway, in that last session I had, I then tried to come to a conclusion to this whole nostalgia thing, that wasn’t as depressing as the notion of it all. And what I came to was this:

I will never be able to undo what I did. What me and my anorexia did and what it made me do will never be un-lived or forgotten. It is and always will be a part of me. So, actually, trying to “get rid” of it and “kicking it out”, is not really the solution here. Sure, I’d love to flick a switch and have it all be gone in a second. But that’s never going to happen.

What I can do, however, is learn how to live with it in a way where those memories still get their proper place – without defining me anymore. And without dictating my every move and day. I’ve compared my eating disorder to a stubborn child a few times, too. One that throws massive tantrums when you tell it “no”. Because that’s what it does, mostly. However, another thing that it has in common with a child, maybe even with the child inside of me, is that it’s so, so scared of being left behind. Of being abandoned and forgotten. In a way, it’s exactly that. My anorexia is pieced together by so many of my insecurities and just like me, it doesn’t want to be abandoned. In fact, it’s so scared of it, that it fights back with teeth and claws and with all its might, to stay safe and comfortable where it is. It throws tantrums and breaks out into screaming fits because it’s terrified that once it goes silent, it will be forgotten.

So, actually, instead of treating it like some sort of external force, like a gnarly stomach ulcer (good one, Isa) or like a parasite, I have actually started to treat it more like a scared kid or a wounded animal. With patience and gentle words. With understanding but also with a certain sternness. Literally like a parent that is trying to calm down their raging child. Reassuring it that I have no intentions of cutting it out or pushing it away, but actually to let it stay under the condition that it remains a quiet and passive part of me. Until eventually, it accepts the silence I ask of it and, indeed, fades into something that doesn’t take up most of my living hours anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, 90% of the time my anorexia and me are still in a silent screaming fight over whether or not I can have a chocolate bar. Theory and practice often lie very, very far apart from each other. But the other 10%, the ones where I actually manage to practice what I preach – those are the ones that, to me, matter the most.

Because those are the ones where I can almost feel me and my eating disorder staring each other down from across the room in silence. The ones where I can tell that both of us are scared. Both of us are hurting. Both of us are smart. Both of us are strong.

But only one of us is right.

[zombiequincy]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

MUN NAME: Hela     AGE: 21       CONTACT: IM

CHARACTER(S): Giselle Gewelle, Yumichika Ayasegawa (inactive)

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Bleach

BLEACH FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  I have gory Bloodborne au but that one just exists in my head on my lonesome.

MY LANGUAGE(S): English and one very specific Middle Eastern dialect.

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: FANTASY / Science fiction / Horror / WESTERN / ROMANCE / Thriller / MYSTERY / DYSTOPIA / ADVENTURE / MODERN / Erotic / Crime / MYTHOLOGY / Classic / HISTORY / RENAISSANCE / MEDIEVAL / Ancient / WAR / FAMILY / POLITICS / RELIGION / SCHOOL / ADULTHOOD / CHILDHOOD / APOCALYPTIC / GODS / Sport / MUSIC / Science / FIGHTS / ANGST / Smut / DRAMA / etc. 

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: one-liner / 1 para / 2 PARA / 3+ / NOVELLA.

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS / PERSONALS / ANONS.

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?:   YES / NO    only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO.

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: CRACK / casual nothing too deep / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK. (i love it all sorry I am quite the mixed bag lmao)

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO. i gotta know what certain human body parts taste like u know

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. it’s SO BAD FOR ME RN ASGLDKJDJKA i’m very inconsistent i’m so sorry.

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ / months / years. / a lot of it has more to do w my general writing mood and if the thread im writing catches my interest, and rn im writing a TON of really wonderful and fascinating threads so they’re all super captivating for me and i try to reply asap

I’M OKAY WITH INTERACTING: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / MY FANDOM / CROSSOVERS / MULTI-MUSES / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC. (i have a lot of stupid shit sorry) 

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING: just send me a tumblr instant message, i know it sucks shit but im not comfy releasing my discord w everyone just yet cause i use it for personal use as well. i check tumblr on the daily so if you send me a message chances are i’ll see it and respond!

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER:  i guess just be able to put up with my rambling and stopping and starting, a lot of characterisation choices i do go through various stages and its pretty messy so when i communicate that with others it usually ends up equally messy. just be patient with me please.

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?:  i don’t mind! sometimes ppl have more ideas that they want to share first and i’m always super happy to listen to those ideas !! sometimes its nice to have someone with a clear guide or structure and be able to work around that rather than trying to fumble through a plot together.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  i try to map out some basic info abt their characters that i otherwise don’t know from their bio or verses and try to pick out points of confrontation or similarities to expand on with giselle that can be used as points for like a starter to happen. its either that or sometimes i have really stupid ideas i just toss out there like ‘LMAO THEYRE BREAKING SHIT AT DISNEYLAND’ and go buck wild from there if the other person is down. i also always try to warn people or get a gauge for what subjects to avoid and steer clear of considering that giselle is a bit of a Freak(tm) and will say and do bad things.

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: if there’s something giselle did or said that upset you, i would love to know not to repeat it again (since i do still feel pretty new to the rp game, theres still plenty of time for me to make stupid mistakes). if its just a general lack of interest or uncertainty of where the plot should go, then you dont have to tell me i wont take it personally i promise ! 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?: sometimes i can be made uncomfortable by certain things mentioned... it happens but its rare 

- WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. i don’t want to upset anyone personally and sometimes explaining the ins and outs of my discomfort make things ten times worse so i just. would rather not.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO.

- AND WHY?: i am the most nervous person you can meet and my brain is always giving me misinfo abt paranoia and random shit so i having clear concrete communication between two parties abt if something is going wrong or is being received poorly means the world to me.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGA1TIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: i need it !! i still feel relatively new to all this and i need to know whats going wrong to improve !! 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: to help with my confidence in writing! i have v bad anxiety when it comes to sharing my works and i write a lot of other pieces alongside this blog on ao3 and i want to develop my writing skills just in general. when it comes to like the nuts and bolts of why i rp giselle specifically, its mainly to just have fun and have a laugh w my friends who are really awesome quincy writers

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  OH SO MANY! ive managed to fulfil a lot of my wishlist threads with like, giselle talking to characters she’s already zombified and i love all that angst but i want to do more stupid shit. i want to make it my personal goal to bully every quincy man and woman on sight. although a REAL dream would be if i got to write a thread zombifying a character who managed to escape giselle’s clutches. and more fighting! i want to get better at describing action and fights and i love to write giselle getting beat up and beating people up! more more more!! 

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE:   hohoho theres a LOT... uh r*pe/dubcon threads for one, even if yeah i know writing it doesnt condone it, it makes me intensely uncomfortable to put my muse in that scenario, i feel like i have an obligation to like, protect her from that shit you know? racism is one i don’t want to transgress, even though i’m a poc, its not really cathartic or groundbreaking to write abt racism in threads its just... really fucking upsetting. also i know the quincy’s have this very close parallel to the whole n*zi imagery and ideology thing going on and i am not about to start even daring to thread that into my writing or bring those allusions and references of real life tragedies into giselle’s threads. i’ve already talked at length abt exploring giselles trans identity in rp and why im not comfortable doing so, so.... yeah! all those i guess.

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?: i like starters where giselle can just immediately get right into being a piece of shit. mise en scene and all that! cut out the build up and just get to the intense horror !! i don’t like starters where its not immediately clear where the characters are standing and what they’re doing and what’s happening around them. those really disorientate me and leave me kinda floundering because i always need some allusion or mention of a setting to ground giselle in a time and place other wise i cant tell what her response should be

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN. also just characters i can wholeheartedly clown on, or also characters who have hidden depths to them and have a single panel of screentime. honestly it’s just all over the place!

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?:  angry old men GSADJDKSJA i could never rp yhwach for example or yamamoto because idk. theyre just so crummy and boring to me. i also couldnt rp characters who always have an upper hand in battle like aizen. i like my dumbasses and i like them stupid and adaptive not just, ‘yes i know this because i Know this.’

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: i think im nice...? FKSJDKDJSA idk i hate trying to toot my own horn. sometimes i also think i make funny jokes and im pretty chill and laid back

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: my writing style is inconsistent and adapts to whatever i’m reading so sometimes it’ll be really good and i love it and other times it reads like really bad fanfic and i get carried away far too easily and write novella lengths for threads which should be much shorter. i also get shy a lot and dont think i communicate very effectively but HEYO we’re working on it!

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO/ DEPENDS. haven’t had anybody brave enough to try yet lol

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN?: YES / NO.

- WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: more for fun i’d imagine because that’s just giselles own attitude to sex and relationships where she doesnt want anything deep. it might show character development in one way of just showing how she regards others in a romantic sense to be used rather than actually appreciated as their own person and show how selfish she is but yeah, more out of fun

- ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?:  theres a few kinks and such but i dont think they’d ever really come up. again, just mainly no r*pe/dubcon.

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO lets hope this doesn’t make me sound like an asshole, but its more like a fun little side thing than anything important to giselle’s actual development and characterisation. 

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES / NO. again, hardly anyone is brave enough to try to romance this evil cannibal.

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF.

ARE YOU:  MULTI-SHIP / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  MULTIVERSE / Singleverse.

- WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: more how giselle likes to give over her power or dominate in different circumstances depending on who she’s with and what’s being done. BUT AGAIN, not a whole lot to explore yet.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO. - i mean im down for p much anything if it vibes w giselle.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?: if you want an evil woman to taunt and mock and hurt your muse, she’s your gal. you want her to zombify and ruin your muse, shes also your gal. you want her to insult and maim and injure, she’s also YOUR GAL. basically, if you want to do anything fucked up or sad or scary, she can help with that.

- WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  uh muses who get really angry quickly or don’t rise or respond to her jabs and are just kinda like a flatline. theres only so much pestering and annoying she can do until realises its not working and just wanders off

- WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, IS THEIR GOAL?:  to find a goal worth living for.

- WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  appearance she always takes an interest in girls almost right away. age as well because she judges old people. 

- WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  a good set of guts to ruin and strong muscles.

- WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  women, gore, murder, herself, music, stupid memes, gossip.

- WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?:  politics, history, quincy ideology, soul reaper ideology, hollow physiology.

- DID THEY EVER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  her family tried to force the burden of upholding the quincy lineage onto her shoulders, she was thrown into the wrong prison and held in isolation, then pressured to become an undying monster in service of a god and then was nearly killed by that same man and left wandering without guidance or purpose. so, yeah?

- WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  transphobia. even a whiff of it in her direction and she’ll gut you like a fish.

- IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  the twink soul reaper who outted her.

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  if you’re smart, you’ll bring a big bone for her to chew on and distract her while you ask whatever you want.

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: i love my evil queen!

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  @bazzardburner​ cheers chicken boy !!

Tagging: @hyouketsu​ @blooming5th​ @viciousvizard​ @glacies-tempestatem​ and whoever else wishes to do this!!

[bellameblake]

how did you become so popular? i’m just starting out and want to do well on here yeah sorry if you don’t want to do this.

Hey nonny! I have to admit i laughed a little at this just because I don’t consider myself popular, not by a long shot! This message is really kind of you and kind of amazing! So welcome to tumblr! So this is probably going to much longer than actually needed by anyone so i’m going to put this under the cut!

So first make tumblr easier for yourself and download xkit. Basically on desktop you can reblog from you dash, tag this automatically, and a bunch of other amazing things that make tumblr 6743 times easier. You can find xkit here.

Then okay so this probably sounds bad but having a good mobile and desktop theme goes a long way. desktop themes can seem super scary especially with no coding experience what so ever but i promise it is easy to change a theme and it makes a world of difference. here is a pretty quick and easy tutorial. Okay, so where do find codes? well there are tons of amazing theme makers on tumblr I reblog themes i like and you can see those here. and if you find a theme maker you can go to their page and see what else they made! then onto mobile theme. Like everything else there are some amazing icon and header makers on tumblr. For icons you can see mine here, also try @bb-8, @grumpybell, @alecsizzy, @harrydraco to name a few! For headers and icons you can go to @johnmurphe (brooke makes amazing icons and headers!!)

Also having a navi page can be really important if you are in a lot of fandoms or even just one! that brings me to TAGGING! tagging makes a world of difference. i probably over tag things but being so multi fandom and i’m just organized i have to tag. some people wont follow you unless you have a tag system. it makes it easier to blacklist things you dont want on your dash! tagging can be from just the show #the 100, to #tv: the 100, to character names full or not. anything you want basically.

so that’s most of the basic stuff it comes down to who you follow and what you post. tumblr is yours. you decide who you follow and unfollow and what you see on your dash. you dont like something someone is posting either backlist their tag or unfollow them. people tend to hate things just for something to do which sounds exhausting to me so curate your dash how you want it! There are tons of networks out there that are about one specific character or show so check them out! a network is a blog run by a group of people usually post edits and things and reblogs the newest edits! so an example is my network @bellamyblakepositivity (small self promo ;) )

Now i know some people thing you have to make gifsets, edits, headcanons, write fics, graphics, icons ect. to get followers. you really don’t. can it help? hell yeah haha making things and knowing how to tag edits helps even more! (this is for original edits) There are a million tutorials for learning how to make gifs and things i used tutorials to teach myself! you can dig through my tag for tuorials if you want to try that. but like i said you dont have to make things to enjoy yourself and make friends on this site! Please if you make things cite where you get ideas like quotes and things. and do NOT repost other peoples work. making things takes a lot of time and effort. i’m not saying you will but i am saying it is a sure fire way to get no where fast and its just rude. kindness goes a long way here even though it seems like it might not.

I was for the longest time the blog out in the dark that didnt make things and didn’t talk to anyone. I’m shit at starting conversations so i just dont do it. luckily people started conversations with me and i have made some absolutely amazing friends on this site. Like @flawlessbellamy I asked for a blog rate or tagged her in something and she sent a message to me and that was a year and 3 months ago and we talk daily! So if you see an edit you like, or a fic or something message the creator of it! i know as a creator i love love LOVE hearing from people (i read the tags on my posts and the give me life)! A lot of the time we are all just awkward beans who want to talk to each other but are too damn afraid. I see a blog on my dash and think i want to know that person but that and actually messaging are two different things but i implore you to try. some people like @broodybellamy are social butterflies even when they say they aren’t they totally are and just talk to people like its nothing. i am not like that. either is completely fine start small by tagging someone in something like a tag game, join blogrates, anything and go from there!

I made a lot of my friends by joining networks. so i said above what networks are a blog run by a group of people. there used to be a bunch of different types but those have since died off and now i see networks as almost a but more professional? like there is an admin then members and things are supposed to be updated and all that but if you join a network usually you just have to reblog some some stuff to keep the blog active and make something if you can and if you cant thats totally fine too!! networks usually have group chats either via blog or by group texting apps like whatsapp and discord. There you can get to know lots of people some you get along with and some not so much. from joning one network i met some of my closest friends and i am in about 15 different chats with different variations of the same people! networks are a huge help in getting to know people.

I honestly don’t try to do well i mean like i just reblog what i like and go from there i dont try to actively think about followers and things of course it’s inevitable for me to check my follower count and the notes on my edits but its more fun if you do you and see where it takes you. pick a theme you like, people an icon you like, the header. follow the people you want and unfollow others. tumblr is what you make of it!

if you want to know more about anything im happy to answer specific questions. i generally have a tutorial for just about everything and if i dont have it i can find it lmao! see i told you this would be longer than anyone needed or wanted!

[ocean-butch]

Hellllo :)) 10-150 if you’re up for a challenge Goodluck 😁

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“i rlly hope he’s the murderer”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?molecules, HNLY, wanna be missed, let it be, and what i need, all from Expectations by hayley kiyoko

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?yes ofc

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?luck yes miracles no

15. What good thing happened this summer?idk i had a good time, i traveled, it was fun!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?i never kissed anyone besides boys so nah

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?ofc i mean cmon who doesnt know that

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?yes!! i love her dearly and shes a great friend

19. Do you like bubble baths?OFC

20. Do you like your neighbors?i dont rlly know them tbh

21. What are you bad habits?isolating myself and basically everything i do

22. Where would you like to travel?everywhere but mainly atlanta bc i wanna meetmy best friend

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i trust too easily

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?the feeling of getting home

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?all of it tbh

26. What do you do when you wake up?check my phone, usually tumblr first

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?nah im good

28. Who are you most comfortable around?not really ””around”” but abby

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?once yeah, but then she broke up w me again LMAO

30. Do you ever want to get married?OBVIOUSLY CAN U IMAGINE HAVING A WIFE I MEAN WOW WHAT A DREAM

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?not really, only if its just the top

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?kay awkward imma skip that cuz im a minor

33. Spell your name with your chin.vabfirls (its supposed to be gabriela lol)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?i know how to play soccer and volley and some other shit but i dont really actually play them. however, i do snowboard.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv, i actually didnt have a tv until 2 months ago (but i did have them when i lived w my dad)

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?yep

37. What do you say during awkward silences?idk i just try to come up w something, it could be anything depending on the person

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?someone funny, who is easy to talk to and is passionate and caring. someone who’ll show me that i mean everything to them and who isnt scared to be affectionate. i have a tag for this called “my dream girl” so its all there

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?i dont shop like at all so basically starbucks lmao

40. What do you want to do after high school?move out of this awful country

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?im not sure. maybe, but not always with the same person. but tbqh probably not everyone

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?it can mean a lot of thigs, but usually that im rlly depressed/lonely

43. Do you smile at strangers?yes!!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?both tf (but i’ve already been to the bottom of the ocean many times so getting to know space would be pretty fucking cool)

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the thought of not having to go to school anymore in like 7 months if i just get this right

46. What are you paranoid about?e v e r y t h i n g but mostly ppl hating me and leaving me

47. Have you ever been high?nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?nope

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i dont think so no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?dark blue

51. Ever wished you were someone else?all the time dude

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?myself lmao

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont rlly know any makeup brands tbh i dont use it

54. Favourite store?again, starbucks

55. Favourite blog?oh noooo this is too specific there are too many but i guess i’d put my best friend bc her blog is awesome and yall should follow her its @saveabby

56. Favourite colour?blue & purple

57. Favourite food?sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!

58. Last thing you ate?açaí

59. First thing you ate this morning?a cereal bar? is this what theyre called?? im not sure

60. Ever won a competition? For what?yeah i guess some school things about sports n shit when i was younger

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?god no im a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?JESUS CHILL IM 16

63. Ever been in love?yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?actually i dont remember i was young and it was at a time where 3 boys liked me and i kinda dated (like kid dating but still) 2 of them and i dont remember which one was first BUT it doesnt matter bc i dont like to count kissing boys so i havent had one yet

65. Are you hungry right now?always lmao

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?well i like different people in different degrees, some being from tumblr, some being from irl. its a mixed list.

67. Facebook or Twitter?twitter duh

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?almost, im watching psych on my laptop

70. Names of your bestfriends?abby from tumblr, marie irl

71. Craving something? What?yes, chocolate

72. What colour are your towels?theres a green one, a blue one and a white one

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?it can vary from 0 to 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?very rarely but its bc theyre at my room at my dad’s place and even when i sleep there i usually sleep at my brother’s room but i do like stuffed animals

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?not many, maybe 3 idk

75. Favourite animal?felinesss

76. What colour is your underwear?im not wearing any but dont go thinking shit, im just on my pjs

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?it depends but in general chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?its like a chocolate shavings thing that we have in brazil. idk if they have it in other countries and if they do idk what its called

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?white

80. What colour pants?no pants jeez

81. Favourite tv show?X-FILES

82. Favourite movie?SNXJSNXKSNSJSJDJSJXJS P R I D E & P R E J U D I C E (2005) PNP OKAY PRIDE & PREJUDICE THANK U FOR THIS QUESTION

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?i dont think i’ve seen the 2nd

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?21 jump street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?i only watched that movie once and i dont remember much about it tbh

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?dory

87. First person you talked to today?melissa

88. Last person you talked to today?until now it was elle

89. Name a person you hate?donald trump

90. Name a person you love?guess? thats right, abby

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?not especially but i’m always wanting to punch my dad tbh

92. In a fight with someone?what?? if u mean “ever been…” then yes, my brother

93. How many sweatpants do you have?none :((

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?oooo a lot, but i only use 1 bc its my fave

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“One evening at dusk, I came upon my friend.”

[asdgkjlasfdjgkl]

all numbers on the 'send me numbers' meme

Oh jeeze annon! 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My gf! 

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Mmm, it depends on the person? Once i get to know someone, im out going, but if its a new person, im rlly shy tbh,,,

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My gf,,, evry day,,,

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Idk? I hope I am,,, but a lot of people don’t like me,, so idk?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I’m like,,, 2,,, but if I were drunk,,, i hope so???

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Gals :9

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I hope so!!!! I’m not planning on breaking up with my gf any time soon!!

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

thts a bit hetero but,,, the mcelroy bros bc im listening to taz rn :/

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

From a sceintific perspective nope, but like,, from a uhm,,, more,, not,, scientific perspective,,, ive never rlly talked about it but,, im assuming so???

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Mmmm idk?? I dont talk /deeply/ to a lot of people but it might be my gf?

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

‘Np!!!’

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Boombayah - Blackpink

The 7th Sense - Nct U

Candy Store - Heathers

Russian Roulette - Red Velvet

Bomb - Ravi

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes yes yes ye s y es p leas e

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

def. luck, but not miracles?? idk is tht weird?

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I got accepted to the school im goin to now!! so thts cool!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

anon imma confess somethin rlly quick,, 

i havent had my first kiss,,,

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Yea for sure! I mean, if space is infinitely big, wouldnt it be weird if we were the only ones out there?? 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

i can not talk to the green villan chick from kim possible so nope lamo

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yea!! its rlly fun and relaxing

20. Do you like your neighbors?

the only neighbors i know are the ones who are crack heads and who had someone die in their home somehow?? so imma go with no

21. What are you bad habits?

Biting my lips, mumbling, self-isolation, ect ect

22. Where would you like to travel?

i wouldnt probs?? other time periods are more aesthetic, but more misogynistic and homophobic  so,,,

23. Do you have trust issues?

I dont think so?? probs not tbh,,

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

s l e e p

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my shoulders,, theyre rlly broad for a gal so a lot of clothes dont fit me right,,

26. What do you do when you wake up?

suffer

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

nope?? i mean, im v v v v v pale so i probs should be a bit darker for health reasons, but ive never rlly had issues with is before??

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my gf and besties

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

i only have one and nope

30. Do you ever want to get married?

it depends on what my partner wants? i dont specifically want to and i dont specifically dont want to so itll be up 2 who ever im dating at the time 

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

barely. it has a hard time staying up some times

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

bdkhj what the fuck im not answering that im 2 years o l d

33. Spell your name with your chin.

fgZg,klf      

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

yep! basketball and soccer!

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV. I barely watch it anyways

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

mm yea 

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i usually try to think of a story??

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

my current gf tbh

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

amazon lmao

40. What do you want to do after high school?

idk yet?? rn im thinking an english teacher in china :0

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on what they did

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

nothin rlly?? Im just usually lost in thought??

43. Do you smile at strangers?

i try to!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

s p a c e 

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the thought of seein my gf at school ;)

46. What are you paranoid about?

my report card,,,

47. Have you ever been high?

yea but it WASNT MY FAULT. I WAS GIVEN A WEED BROWNIE WITH OUT MY CONSENT OKAY??

48. Have you ever been drunk?

na

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

no??

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

i think it was my gf’s brown hoodie?

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

uhm,,, na? sometime i wish we were in a dif financial situation, but thts about it?

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

my shoulder width??

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont,,, wear make up,,,,

54. Favourite store?

amazon :9

55. Favourite blog?

@genociderfukawa , @eggseggseggseggseggseggseggseggs , @succmekomaeda

56. Favourite colour?

all of the pastels!

57. Favourite food?

penne chicken Alfredo 

58. Last thing you ate?

some chicken 

59. First thing you ate this morning?

a fudgeround

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Yea! Iv’e won multiple sports contests, and a few art and writing competitions

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope!

62. Been arrested? For what?

na man. i have a clean record

63. Ever been in love?

I am rn! 

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

i,,, havent had it yet,,,,,,

65. Are you hungry right now?

nope! i just ate dinner!

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i rlly dont have any tumblr friends?? 

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter obvi

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

twitter!

69. Are you watching tv right now?

nope! im listening to taz

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Emily, Jessy, Mikaia, Zoya, and Patrick!

71. Craving something? What?

,,,,cheesecake,,,,,,

72. What colour are your towels?

green and blue i think

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

7. exactly.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

do pillow pets count?

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

5 or 6?

75. Favourite animal?

owls and bunnies!!

76. What colour is your underwear?

rn?,,,,,,,,, neon pink ://p

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

triple chocolate chunk and tht kinda bull shit!

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

navy blue

80. What colour pants?

also navy blue! 

81. Favourite tv show?

i dont rlly watch american tv but,, channel zero is rlly good!!

82. Favourite movie?

Moana!!!!

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls 1

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

ive never seen 21 jump street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

idk?? the main bitch

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dory!

87. First person you talked to today?

my gf!

88. Last person you talked to today?

my dad i think??

89. Name a person you hate?

mm a few kids in my grade and the current potus and staff

90. Name a person you love?

my gf!! i luv her lots

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

na. im p chill rn

92. In a fight with someone?

not tht i know of?

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

2 or 3 pairs

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

3 of 4?? idek

95. Last movie you watched?

a shitty movie for my history class 

96. Favourite actress?

i dont have one?

97. Favourite actor?

Lin Manuel Miranda!

98. Do you tan a lot?

nope. i just fukin,, burn like a hellfire

99. Have any pets?

3 cats and a dog!

100. How are you feeling?

pretty cool i guess?

101. Do you type fast?

depends? mostly ya!

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

oh fuck yes

103. Can you spell well?

no!! my spelling is shit tbh

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

no particuarly?

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

yep!

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

i might have?? im,, not sure honetly,,

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yea! i used to ride rlly well!

108. What should you be doing?

listen here anon i actually did my fukin work 4 once

109. Is something irritating you right now?

just my headache?

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

oh yea

111. Do you have trust issues?

this is a repeat? i answered it earlier lmao

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Im not sure?

113. What was your childhood nickname?

tay

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yea!

115. Do you play the Wii?

mm i have a wii u and switch, but no wii anymore :’(

116. Are you listening to music right now?

nope! im listening to taz!

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

hell yea!

118. Do you like Chinese food?

fuck yes!!!!

119. Favourite book?

the legend series by Marie Lu

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

4 sure

121. Are you mean?

god i hope not

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no! all partners should consent and agree on all boundaries in a relationship!! the members of that relationship need to respect that!!

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

hell na

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

mmhmm!

125. Do you believe in true love?

im in it rn baby

126. Are you currently bored?

yea,,,

127. What makes you happy?

music i like, my gf, spending tie with friends, and not stressing out about things!

128. Would you change your name?

nope! i like my name

129. What your zodiac sign?

pisces!

130. Do you like subway?

yasss!

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

he knos im fukin gay as shit 

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i answered this earlier too

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

‘ringdingdong ringdingdong ding, rigiding rigi ding ding ding ....... fantastic fantastic fantastic fantastic elastic elastic elastic elastic’

134. Can you count to one million?

i could but im not dooin that shit

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

‘im straight’

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′3 3/4″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

like what i have?? its super curly!

139. Brunette or Blonde?

im a brunette!

140. Summer or Winter?

mmm winter!

141. Night or Day?

night, cause i can sleep with out regrets

142. Favourite month?

February!

143. Are you a vegetarian?

na 

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark!

145. Tea or Coffee?

mm neither :p

146. Was today a good day?

i would say so yea

147. Mars or Snickers?

m ars??

148. What’s your favourite quote?

‘dibidibidis my name is minho’

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yea!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

‘Burr: Theres nothing rich folks love more’

(its hamilton the revolution)

------

well this was fun lmao

[at-least-ill-die-a-lionturtle]

You know I'm going to make you answer all of the unusual questions too, right? (This is me asking you all of the unusual questions, btw. 👍)

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify, even tho I FUCKING HATE IT sometimes

is your room messy or clean? Clean af lol

what color are your eyes? Basic Bitch Brown™

do you like your name? why? Eh, its okay I guess lol

what is your relationship status? Blissfully taken

describe your personality in 3 words or less. Uhhhhmmmm uhhhhhhhhh fuck

what color hair do you have? Basic Bitch Brown™

what kind of car do you drive? color? The Invisible Boatmobile

where do you shop? The fridge, sometimes the pantry

how would you describe your style? Haphazardly

favorite social media account. Matthew McConaughey’s Youtube channel

what size bed do you have? Queen

any siblings? A younger sister, an older brother, and three older sisters

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? KFC.

favorite snapchat filter? I cant remember, but I really like that one that makes your face reeeeeeeeeeeal small

favorite makeup brand(s). ♪ Make me up (MAKE ME UP INSIDE) I cant make up (MAKE ME UP INSIDE) ♫

how many times a week do you shower? 2-3 times

favorite tv show? So much

shoe size? 9-10 depending on the shoe

how tall are you? 5′8

sandals or sneakers? Those little booties they put on cats

do you go to the gym? I go to Gymboree sometimes

describe your dream date. October 31st

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? HA. HAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

what color socks are you wearing? I got dem white Hanes biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch

how many pillows do you sleep with? One. And a pillow pet-esqe thingie. Its a fox :3

do you have a job? what do you do? Bitch on the internet and watch Youtube

how many friends do you have? So many

whats the worst thing you have ever done? Man thats one hell of a list Im not willing to pull out today lol

whats your favorite candle scent? I really like earthy smells. Like beachwood, silver birch, meadow showers, and sage & citrus

3 favorite boy names. Shane, Jason, Max(imillian)

3 favorite girl names. Kiera, Joyce, Beth(any)

favorite actor? I dunno Will Ferrell I guess

favorite actress? Uhhhh fuckin uhhhhh Winona Ryder

who is your celebrity crush? Ryan Reynolds

favorite movie? Lion King

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? Not as much as I used to, and not really sure

money or brains? In reference to what???

do you have a nickname? what is it? Beardie, Pigblap, Ol’ Montgomery, Turtleman

how many times have you been to the hospital? A few. Got my chin patched up once. One time I had cotton stuck in my ear

top 10 favorite songs. FUCK okay here we go: Cant Stop The Feeling - Justin Timberlake, Sufferer/LA Poderosa - Stick To Your Guns, I Believe In A Thing Called Love - The Darkness, Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus, Dancing Queen - ABBA, The Suspend - Stick To Your Guns, Engine 45 - The Ghost Inside, Say It Aint So - Weezer, Everlong - Foo Fighters, Im Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance

do you take any medications daily? I do, for my fucking heartburn BECAUSE MY BODY HATES ME

what is your skin type (oily, dry, etc)? Normal I guess, with dry tendencies. Especially after washing my hands, showering, swimming, etc

what is your biggest fear? Time

how many kids do you want? HA. HAHA. HAHAHAHAHA.

whats your go to hair style? My hair style is whatever the fuck it feels like doing that day. I learned and accepted a long time ago that there is little I can do to tame my mane. 

what type of house do you live in (big, small, etc)? Big

who is your role model? Pizza rolls

what was the last compliment you received? I honestly dont know lol

what was the last text you sent? I dont know man, fuck

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? I dunno, like 7 or 8 maybe?

what is your dream car? A 95 Subaru Outback station wagon, or a 2005 Ford GT

opinion on smoking? If you do, whatever. Just be mindful of other people. But I think its gross, and dont. And cant date anyone who does.

do you go to college? YOUR MOM GOES TO COLLEGE

what is your dream job? Musician/Photographer/Twitch streamer

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? I’d rather live in the city or on the outskirts. But where I live now is just fine

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? I do lol They just throw it away anyways

do you have freckles? I dont, but I has lots of birthmarks n stuff

do you smile for pictures? Sometimes, but rarely a full smile

how many pictures do you have on your phone? About 300, but some are duplicates

have you ever peed in the woods? Like, yeah lol

do you still watch cartoons? Fuck yeah. I love cartoons

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? ARE YOU MCFUCKIN KIDDIN ME??? 

Favorite dipping sauce? Depends on the day. And what Im dipping. Fries? Ketchup or fancy sauce (mayo & ketchup). Chicken nuggets or tenders? Boss sauce (my secret blend), bbq, sweet n sour, honey mustard, or ranch

what do you wear to bed? Usually just my underwear, sometimes shorts or pj pants when its cold

have you ever won a spelling bee? Nah but I was a boss at spelling tests in school lol

what are your hobbies? Slappin food together, playin vidya gaems, makin music on my tum

can you draw? Not at all

do you play an instrument? I play drums!

what was the last concert you saw? Uhhhhh FUCK I think it mighta been Purity Ring and HANA

tea or coffee? Coffee, but tea is nice too

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Dunkin Donuts

do you want to get married? Im already married to the ball fam

what is your crush’s first and last initial? DH

are you going to change your last name when you get married? Yeah I did when I got married. My full name is now Charles Cody Basketball

what color looks best on you? Purple, but also blue and orange

do you miss anyone right now? I do, I miss my friends back in VA

do you sleep with your door open or closed? Open, but I prefer closed

do you believe in ghosts? I diddlyiddly do

what is your biggest pet peeve? When the batteries in something go dead

last person you called? Prolly Alex lol I dunno

favorite ice cream flavor? Moose Tracks

regular oreos or golden oreos? REGULAR WHAT THE FUCK DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY EAT GOLDEN OREOS???

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Both are good

what shirt are you wearing? None lol 

what is your phone background? This

are you outgoing or shy? Shy, but can be outgoing at times

do you like it when people play with your hair? 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

do you like your neighbors? I do, theyre nice folk

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? I do, just whenver I shower

have you ever been high? HIGH ON LIFE SON

have you ever been drunk? DRUNK ON THAT CAPRI SUN SHIT

last thing you ate? Cereal, Capn Crunch Donuts specifically

favorite lyrics right now. ♪ Make me up (MAKE ME UP INSIDE) I cant make up (MAKE ME UP INSIDE) ♫

summer or winter? Winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And also autumn

day or night? Oh yeah. This is a Kid Cudi reference. I get it. Im hip with the kids

dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk, but white is nice too. I kinda only like dark chocolate when its those bomb ass Ghiradelli squares with the raspberry filling FUCK ME UP 

favorite month? Spooktober

what is your zodiac sign? Taurus

who was the last person you cried in front of? Alex

[alexlaguitel]

Let’s Talk About Expat Depression

I recently read Dominica Drazal’s article in Les Lolos and it got me thinking about the frequent ups and downs we expats experience. I instantly wanted to reply to her and say how much I love my expat life, how lucky I feel to have an amazing hometown like Paris as well as an exotic life in Hong Kong with my husband and kids. And then, just as quickly, I didn’t want to reply anymore because after all, life sucks, doesn’t it?

We don’t talk enough about expat depression and that is a huge shame because it’s something most expats go through. Being aware of it, knowing others go or have gone through it can be so helpful. Living abroad is an amazing experience, but it can have its bad days or months. Some may say years. The worst part about being sad abroad is you feel totally isolated and misunderstood in your new country. You can’t talk to people you regularly see because you dont want to be labeled, “The Depressed One.” And you can’t complain to friends back home because you live the perfect life abroad: beautiful weather, exotic travels and a full-time nanny. How can you be depressed? How dare you be down?! Some settle in quickly, meet and make friends in a heart beat, and can go home whenever they want or need. For the rest of us, it takes more time—and hopping on the next plane home isn’t always possible.

I love living in Asia, especially Hong Kong, where I’ve been dying to get back to for years. I love my friends here who make me laugh around coffee as much as wine and with whom I bonded instantly. I love that my children are experiencing life in a country that is much more open to different cultures and tastes, instead of staying in France all their lives. But I still have my bad days… weeks.

There are so many articles selling expat life: What a wonderful, fulfilling experience it is; how you should embrace your host country’s culture to truly appreciate it. Not enough prepare you for balancing a foot in one place while the other’s back home. No one teaches you how to cope with the constant anxiety of something happening to loved ones 10,000 miles away. You’re certainly not prepared for sadness sneaking up on you, triggered by a Facetime with your best friend showing off her latest Monoprix purchase. Or simply the absence of the daily phone call. That one hurts, too. Going out and meeting new people is part of the cure for just-landed-expat-depression. Your mind may say it’s easier to stay in bed or on the couch, but don’t listen. It’s going to be really hard the first weeks. You need to be a rock for your kids because they left their lives and friends behind, too. The working adult usually adjusts more quickly. The one at home (usually the woman, but not always) suffers more from the consequences of expat depression, including issues with alcohol. In expat communities where your social life becomes more active and important (because you don’t have old friends and family to take up your time), it’s common to turn to drinking as a way to cope with negative feelings. Unfortunately, it can lead to a longer-term problem. I’ve known a few people who developed an alcohol addiction while being expats and have been in denial about it for as long as they were abroad. So after 2 expatriations, many tears and lots of ups and downs, I (and my expat friends) have some advice:

Life goes on, love stays true. If your friends back home are really your friends, your relationships will survive the distance. But check in regularly so you stay connected. Skype, FaceTime, WhatsApp, etc… there’s no excuse not to keep in touch. Take it one day at a time. On bad days, just try to focus on one positive thing. Write it down, stick it on your fridge. On really bad days, cook something comforting and read a favorite book. Take a bath. Call your best friend. Whatever soothes your soul. Have a goal in mind. I fight my bad days with goals and activities. My 2017 goal is to lose weight and be a knockout this summer. Seriously, me, the Frenchwoman who bragged about my gym intolerance actually goes to the gym, does pilates, hikes and counts the minutes spent on the elliptical machine! It’s embarrassing, I know. Depression is hard but you can beat it. Beat the shit out of it! With help from your new besties, love from your home bestie and, of course, wine. (But not every night.) If nothing seems to help and you’re suffering, please do not be afraid to seek a therapist. There are many who specifically deal with expat issues. Ask someone in your online expat group, Google it or speak to your general practitioner for a referral.

Article first published in Les Lolos Paris