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farfaras · 8 months

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i was scrolling through tiktok when i got renee rapp's new song w megan, me and my cousin instinctively just started singing along, then froze, then gave each other side eye. scrolled past it and haven't mentioned it. the life of ur closeted local queer girl. everything makes me paranoid.

#maam how do you know this song #i need answers #but i dont want them bc then id have to give them too #shes one of the few ppl on my instagram that follow renee too #this whole cousin friend group is closeted i swear #but it feels like we're too scared bc of our #EXTREMELY religious family #anyway vent over #renee rapp #megan thee stallion #mean girls #mean girls 2024

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wingsofwater · 9 months

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peach pit

[ID : a chubby skywing dragon named Pyrite, who has yellowish-orange scales with a lighter yellow underbelly and dark freckles across her scales, resembling the inside of a peach. she has a crest of dark spines along the back of her neck and on the tip of her tail, antler-like horns, her body is dappled with scars, and she wears a cord around her neck like a choker. she is sitting down, facing towards the left, with her wings held open and an uncertain expression on her face. the background is a teal rectangle with white peach blossoms overlayed on top of it. END ID]

#thinking a lawttt about how pyrite was described to be the same color as a peach a lot #the freckles as described in the id are supposed to make her look like the inside of a peach #she has scars all over her body bc she was enchanted to be really clumsy so i would imagine she would be constantly getting hurt by acciden #her feet [and other skywing feet] have a fifth toe on the back kinda like raptor claws that they use for balance and grabbing things #in winter turning the original pyrite[?] was described to have black eyes so i gave her really big pupils -#- that would probably make her eyes look black head-on #she has lil bear ears btw !! i think skywings and icewings have bear ears bc theyre smaller and wont get cold as easily . also theyre cute #i just thought the crest of spines would look cute but then i realized the resemblance to icewing spikes so i added them to the tail too #the antler horns looking like icewing reindeer horns also wasnt intentional i just wanted them to look unique -#- instead of the generic straight horns or curved i usually give skywings #i think she has quite a bit of icewing remnants left over despite the spell actually #like i would imagine her fire is weaker than the other skywings and would be a lot less hotter #she also instinctively isnt used to skywing proportions hence why shes sitting the way she is with her legs all weird and wings not closed #other than that shes rather boring and isnt very flamboyant bc i think scarlet would think she doesnt deserve it #i dont really have any other design notes everything was added last second or by complete accident gafksndkxk #I JUST REALIZED THE THUMB ON HER WING IS BACKWARDS . I WAS WONDEIRN WHY IT LOOKED WEIRD CKJFMCJXNX #whatever im not fixing it. suffer with me #🖌#wings of fire skywing #wings of fire #wings of fire pyrite #og my GODDD tumblr eated the wuality on this one real bad wtfff

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puppyeared · 8 months

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i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

#im joking #i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture #and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet???#its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure #i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^#i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th #story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get #that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel #like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty #so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then #i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why #idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens #but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes #smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can #be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn #yapping #oc talk

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spaghett-onaplate · 1 month

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responses to rehearse bc i'm seeing my grandparents tomorrow and they have a tendency to ask weird questions about the whole trans thing:

that's a personal question

that isn't your business

that's a weird thing to ask

you don't need to know that

i never said that

i don't know why you think that

#ok tomorrow should be fine bc theyre just coming over afternoon-night and other people will be around the whole time #but i DEFINITELY will need to rehearse those for when i stay with them myself for 6 days in september #wish id had these mantras last december 😔#i do have more ground to stand on now that im back at school and everything they have much less room to judge #but they have been a tad weirdddd about the whole trans thing #and will continue to be even now that im back at school i expect #anyway ill also have a conversation with my mum later about the misgendering thing bc when i saw them in december they did not get the #pronouns correct ONCE they did not even try lmao #july before that the first time id seen them since coming out they tried a bit more #thing is i just dont correct them at all never before in my life have i corrected anyone #until one customer the other month when the cards fell exactly in my lap to do so #but anyway hopefully ill have the courage to correct them myself i think i should #i did actually correct my dad the other week! surprised me a bit he called me 'she' it was a bit hurtful but ig it's just good he hasn't #much at all since he started calling me oscar when i came out to extended family #anyway ok i dont want to think about all that too much it gives me a headache #ill have a conversation with my mum and hopefully shell have the courage to correct them but if not i will do it myself #hopefully maybe #for now im gonna go and watch 911 lone star with my mum #wahoo shes enjoying it

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toytulini · 4 months

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if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.

#toy txt post #or maybe i am just sameface syndrome #but also different face syndrome #two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time!#i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao #the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her #her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime #birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept #but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie!#me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to practice. features #you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet #to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that #knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!!#not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime #im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps #happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be #and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also #no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!!#agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to.#anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy #part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least.#for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy #on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that #feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller #headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure #and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height #but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes #the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights #are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye

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nomairuins · 3 days

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like i wouldnt mind like. Not having new linear games post 5 its judt that sims 4 wasnt even supposed to Be The Sims 4 it was a last minute pivot and the base code is so outdated and was broken On launch so like. i just wish we could have the final actual sims game be like. one that was always intented to be a major sims release AND be intended to be so long term . yk

#i dont even want like. Ooh major graphical updates whatever if sims 5 was announced and they looked photorealizstic id hurl i wouldnt play #it #my ideal would ig be sims 4 with a touch more realism style wise. if this makes sense #like its a bittt too cartoony for me but i like the like. Clay hair or whatever SJFNFJ. and i think having it be simple in basegame means #you can customize it easier + itd run better on more pcs #so im fine eith that. i would nottt want it more cartoony #i also like. I understand the sims is like. an all ages game i do sometimes wish that the animations in 4 were a bit toned down #like i dont mind silly goofy wacky stuff i think its fun and like. The sims has always been a bit sillay yk. but the overexaggerated #animations r sometimes like -_-.... to me. but thats personal preference #IDK. the tags that show up when i type idk r so funny. do i ever know anything. sources say no #BUT ya i just rly wish like. if this is what they wanna do i wish theyd give us One more full game give it lots of time and love and rly rly #focus on having it excel at like. being this partnof the sims #since they wanna have like. Other sims games that have online features and multiplayer and everything. they could use that to make sure that #ts5 was Rly solid as a foundation and as like. ykwim..... they could plan updates for the future And dlc or whatever and i just think itd be #a better move than trying to make sims 4 happen #bc i judt dont think With all the updates in the world. sims 4 wont ever be like. what it couldve been. yk. i just dont think you can make #it work without Fullllyyyy just starting over.#and at this point with like..so many modders and stuff and everything and how much dlc there is thatd be impossible Esp if they keep #releasing new stuff which. They will ^_^#idk. im excited for some other lifesim games im keeping my eye out #but i rly do love the sims and i just wish that it could be as good as it could be. It has such a huge budget and team and like. if ea would #stop just trying to make as much money as possible off it i feel like they could make Such an amazing game. not to put down indie gamedevs #at all the games jve been looking at look Incredible like.. yk. but the fact those games are so good eith FAR smaller teams and budgets is #like. imagine what we could have if the sims had that amt of care and time put into it.#but whatever whatever whatever. sorry im just rambling #again ik what i would want from my platonic ideal of a sims game isnt what everyone would eant #but idk. i feel like another good step might be like. making the other sims games more available and updating them so they run better on #modern pcs. but i dont think thatll ever happen DNDNFJFNFN.

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beetlebongos · 30 days

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*grinding teeth looking off into the distance biting lip skin not yet rocking back n forth but might be if we sit for too long* we are sooooooo back

#*ignores the demon*#gonna clean like theres no tomorrow bc ive officially run out of substances #and ive settled on dealership finance which Could change #but looking into loans and trying to get pre-approved bitch..... i dont know what car im for sure going to get n i certainly cant prove insu #rance.. but who knows. im giving myself 6 more weeks #recently got another offer to move out but god i want the car first i need freedom or death and u already know!!!! u already fuckn know!!!!#we have no choice but to live!#however the roomie sitch could be really really good for me #theyre cutting hours company wide at chicken store bc surprise everyones back to school and no one wants to spend $100 on 2 measly bags of #whatever the fuck n chicken king wants his tendy n to eat it too or st idk #the roomie sitch fr would be within walking distance again from store And several other potential jobs like id prolly save more w them #what to do what to do

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coridallasmultipass · 1 month

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I am once again begging online shop payment processing companies to allow me to enter a separate name for shipping and separate name for billing!!

It's the same address, I'm just trans and have not legally changed my personal name, but I still prefer to receive mail as my preferred name! Like it's literally my professional name, I do business as my preferred name.

Annoying as fuck, and I don't want to chance my bank rejecting the payment (though I'm sure someone at my bank has put a note to allow it on my account by now, since I've contacted them a couple times before when I realized too late that the billing section didn't let me input another "address/name" section, and they said the payment was fine in those cases.)

Anyway, legal name changes should be free and non-advertised for everyone. Tbh, you should get a free name change every time you file your taxes on time as an incentive for good citizen behaviour. Once I am elected pres-

#i think the one i just used didnt even have a separate billing address option which makes no sense #guess they dont want anyone giving any gifts making the buyer pay twice for shipping like that #maybe it was a fault of the mobile browser but i highly doubt it since many desktop sites look like mobile browsers these days #just so fucking frustrating. what if i lived somewhere where my legal name would out me? (im in the closet rn so doesnt matter)#i dont want to fucking see my legal name. im already forced to see it everywhere else.#i dont wanna ruin my mood on a day when im supposed to be getting a package which should be a happy thing yknow #vent #transphobia #speaking of like i would change my name but i dont want to and cant afford the fucking ridiculous price for it #and i dont wanna advertise it in a newspaper either! shits expensive as fuck on top of the hundreds to file the court paperwork!#i already tried to do it once with money in hand and the receptionist told me that even tho it was for gender identity i could not...#...avoid the newspaper thing unless i also changed my legal gender marker. and i had to back out bc i have reproductive health problems #i dont want a gender marker change to fuck with my getting healthcare #(i did change the gender letter on my ID card later tho which only took a signature on a paper no hassle with anything)#it really really fucking sucks how all these little things add up all the time #especially when im closeted while living w family who wont even use my preferred name #the real kicker is that. both my dad and his dad used preferred names. my dad used his middle name #and i use part of my middle name. yet my dad even in death still gets the dignity of being called his preferred name and i dont #sexism at its finest #reasons why i dont even hint at being trans around my moms side bc i already got bullied by them for wanting to use my middle name #ive literally been asking them to call me my mid name since i was 12. and theyve been acting like im trying to be someone else #its the same middle name on my birth certificate they gave me. i dont understand why they wouldnt want me to use it #but yeah i stay closeted bc i dont wanna deal with the name drama amplified exponentially for gender #prob get kicked out too cuz theyre queerphobic as fuck and i cant work rn and dont have a car #id have to just go full feral and live in the woods with the lizards where i belong #Cori.exe #Post.exe #fuck lol just looked it up and u cant change ur first name if u get married. i cant avoid the fucking fee man. let me be cori #literally why is it cheaper to get married than change ur first name! bullshit! marriage has so much more legal implications #transphobic queerphobic aromanticphobic privacyphobic poorphobic shit ass fucking state ive literally been cori most of my life ffs cmon

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duckduckngoose · 5 months

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Can my dnd character PLEASE stop evading every attempt at me trying to either develop her backstory or just anything

#the duck quacks #primrose i love you but girlie. you have got so little going on for a 1 year character STOP REFUSING TO LET ME GIVE YOU ANY NEW INFO #i always get blocked when i want to do something with her kglfdkgfd. my DM is asking what direction i wanna take her and like! i want to do #something! its just idk anything. our campaign was built for a oneshot and this character was also very much built for that. like she just #had a couple notes for playing (like 1-3 personality traits) and thats it hhhh. as the campaign got longer i thought id try to figure it ou #but! brain said no sadge #mmmight ask my dm if i can switch characters but idk. its been a year jgfkdgfd. someone else switched a bit ago tho so i might do the same?#idk. ill probably end up with th e same problem of sketching out a very basic character and not developing them JGKLFDJG #and i dont wanna play most of my premade characters bc theyre like a tad too complicated to introduce? that might just me being nervous #about playing them idk. roleplaying is harddddd and our dnd sessions are like super late for me so i never have the energy to focus on stay #ing in character #idk im jsut screaming into the void aaaaaaaa

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#ugh. im feeling chatty today. probably bc i feel kinda weirdly anxious. like when u can Imagine bad things happening in detail #and like it feels like ur wait for it even tho its in ur imagination? whatever. anyway. ive been watching a lotta #stuff on like professional artists and idk maybe im just in too deep on science academia but i dont. i dunno the culture #seems so weird to me? like what does one do in art school? i guess i took a lot of art in high school but my teacher was kinda trash #all we did was paint realisticly using a grid and i hated that. but i image ur supposed to exercise different styles and medias? how tf #does that get graded? i dunno. i haven't taken any uni level art classes. i should tho. id probably like it #its weird tho. anything that tries to give structure to art stuff seems so weird to me. like u go to school for science stuff to build up #ur background knowledge and i guess u can do that with art but it feels different. i guess bc ur training muscle memory. i dunno #i like to imagine an au where i go to art school but i legitimately cannot fathom doing that. cannot fathom a life outside of my toxic #relationship with academia. i dont even kno what i would want to specialize if i went down that path. maybe illustration #bc it makes me happy when ppl say my style looks like something out of a kids book. i dunno #i guess classes would help with things like forcibly learning shadows and anatomy and composition #maybe i just need to make art friends. like what is ur life like? im too much in a science bubble #i guess going to art school also just devotes all ur time to art. not just tiny pockets of time between all the things u have to get done #god. i can only imagine the panic of procrastinating an art project and physically not having enough time to finish it #thats how i felt with my masters thesis. there was just physically not enough time for me to fix my code in all the ways i needed and rew #rewrite things. but i finished it somehow #ugh. god. i have things i need to finish coloring. i will finish them today. i will #i hate coloring. but colors r so pretty ;_;#unrelated

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stellarwaffles · 2 years

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Plot twist: there are more fics on ao3 including Kataru than there are blue archer fics

#kataru is just a side character in like all except for 1 of the fics but hes still tagged in more #honestly i didnt expect him to be in any fics at all no one seems to remember him #i am however surprised theres only 1 blue archer fic #i thought for sure thered be maybe a small handful of fics. maybe like 5? there are only like 200-something nexo knights fics so i-#-couldnt expect there to be too many but still #lego ninjago #lego ninjago kataru #ninjago kataru #nexo knights #i wanted to look at nexo knights fanfics + then i was curious how many bluearcher fics there were #and when i saw there was only 1 i went ‘??? only one???? you mean no one ships them??? dude id expect that for like kataru or something but-#-for a ship including 2 main characters?? … wait are there any kataru fics on ao3?’#i dont actually have the energy to read fics lately but i like to save links to read later #although i didnt find anything. again kataru was only a side character judging by the main tags + the summaries of the fics he was tagged in #and i already read the blue archer fic bc it was only 130 words #anyways if anyone has any bluearcher fics or just cool nexo knights fics here on tumblr give me a link? i know not everyone puts their fics-#-on ao3. mine are all on tumblr (although i do plan on getting an ao3)

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4giorno · 9 months

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googles "will i be arrested if i play the exact same bg3 character for the third time in under 2 months"

#like again i know. i paid 70€ for this game i can play it however the fuck i want #but i still feel kind of. embarrassed?? esp bc im at my parents for christmas and new years and they know ive played this character twice #and like surely i should want to do something different after like 250 hours and yet... 😭😭😭😭😭#and ive realised that i never found the blood of lathander and my character def would want to get it even if it destroyed an ancient temple #and ive seen even more dialogue that i missed bc somehow i couldve long rested more frequently even tho i made a conscious effort to do tha #the second time around (bc i started playing multiplayer with my parents and already we got long rest stuff i never saw 💀)#also dialogue choices that fit him more but i was still too scared to pick bc i was afraid id get insta killed #or a companion would get so pissed off theyd leave..........#you could be like oh so you know what happens why would you play it but like why does anyone play sims or something #like sometimes you wanna see your little guys in scenarios 😭#(OH also i wanted to see if i could give astari0n worms in the beginning since he wanted them so bad #and it was literally one of the things he and my character bonded over as in they were the only bitches who thought they should use them #i just never thought to give any to him even tho he asked bc i always forget i can do stuff with the companions #AND im always afraid ill fuck something up for them gfkfjdhfkgkf)#anyway the point is wow still i have an unreasonable attatchment to this character of mine and i love him sm #and somehow i dont get bored of playing the same character after two full campaigns

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nomaishuttle · 11 months

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the two rules of sweeney todd cast recordjngs is 1. theyll never be better than 2012 london cast talk to the hand 2. theyll never be worse than 2005 broadway cast talk to the hand

#sry im literlly such a 2005 castrecording hater like im such a huge anti. i hate jt so baddd sounds like ass. they took the entire #orchestra out back and shot them dead leaving one piano player and.told him to judt make it work and then told sweeney that his entire #family died in a horrific fire immediately b4 he started rcording.#like im sorry ik sweeneys like a sad guys obvi i would be too yk sucks sucks Pooor thing better you should think she was dead yes i lied #cuz i looove you id be TWICE the wife she was i LOOOOOVE YOU HOW COULD THAT THING HAVE CARED FOR YOU LIKE ME !!!#anyways. but he just like. ik this sounds mena but his voice Sounds like a voice somebody would do to make fun of sweeney.#like it sounds like somebody mocking a mopey guy. but thats just the voice the guy uses 4 sweeney like..#also sry. im pretty sure the final scene lyrics they use in 2005 r the same as the original script from the 80s however. those lyrics just #dont flow as well ss the slightly edited version for the 2012.. like. hold on let me compare..#so the original Your Lucy!A crazy hag picking bones and rotten spuds out of alley ashcans!#Would you have wanted to know that she ended up like that?#whereas in 2012 its Your Lucy a mad hag. picking bones and rotten spuds out of dustbins #would you have wanted to know thats how she ended up ? and it just FLOWS BETTER SRYY.#ik its also partially bc most sweeney iterations r set. when sweeney is actually set where as 2012 sort of uses the framing devide of #disgruntled workers inn. i wanna say the 1920s? somewhere around there. which btw genius i love that devision.to draw parallels between the #working conditions of both time periods its quite genius babes. loveee to 2012 london cast recording. and it bangs far harder than those #other girls..#but like basically..imelda staunton if i ever get the opportunity i will genuinely give you 5billion dollars i dont think Aybody could ever #top her eprformance as mrs lovett. lifechanging. showstopping incredible #and michael balls sweeney is sooo good as well likee. he does such a good job balancing between like. i understand this guy. like i get him #i know his kotivationa and also This guy is fucking scary as hell #like he plays sweeney as far more like. Enraged than depressed. and i think it works RLY well for his interpretation of the character..#basically 🫰 <- thats for 2012 london cast. I wish that cast recording had all of the songs on its rly rather sickening.NO PIRELLIS MIRACLE #ELIXIR. LIKE IS IT A JOKEEEE DO YOU WANT ME DEAD ON THE STREETS? YOU SIR? ANYBIDY? GENTLEMEN NOW DONT BE SHY?#whatever. the one positive ill say for 2005 sweeney is that his performance. at times..is hysterical #i hate their version of final scene due to 2012 final scene being My favorite sweeney song. however. his like. Oh my god and also the judge #when he kills the judge and he says barker like hes powering up. he goes barkeeEEEEERRRRRR. whys that more acting than he did the entire #rest of the show. like its weird bc he was simultaneously over acting (as was the rest of the cast imo) and underacting ? like they were so #over dramatically sad that it looped back into them being completely flat and emotionless. its tly kind of impressive #but in fjnal scene when he goes OH NO !!!!! oh gOOOod. that was so funny

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orcelito · 1 year

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Thinking about getting a nose piercing. Like a little stud on the side... on the right side. My cartilage piercing is on the left & I plan to wear a lil hoop on it once it's healed enough. And that just might be the only cartilage piercing I want? Bc I have my double lobes and I got only one cartilage piercing bc I like the idea of having just one lil hoop in one ear. Coincidentally on the same side as Vash's hoop, though I chose it long b4 getting into Trigun bc I part my hair to the right lol, which means a cartilage piercing would be more visible on the left.

Anyways I was thinking about it and if I have a side nose piercing on the right of my nose, then an eyebrow piercing on my left eyebrow... balanced with my hair on the right side... I think that'd be my ideal piercing setup tbh, at least for my face.

Could change my mind later, but I am Thinking about it

#speculation nation #i dont rly wanna get Too many piercings ya kno. also theyre expensive..........#i think this would give me a good setup without having to spend Too much more money #and of course i want a bellybutton piercing. and ive thought about a tongue piercing but i dont think it's a good idea #i have questionable tooth health and id probably find a way to chip a tooth with it lol #lip piercings arent even a question for me bc i know they would drive me fucking insane #super hot on other people but i like piercings as an out of the way sort of adornment #and lip piercings i would be aware of it Always #like snake bites... that kind of thing... good on others but not for me.#so In Theory i wanna get. 3 more piecings. and then i will be satisfied.#and Then theres the tattoo i want to get......🤔#potentially more than one. i have an idea that would be cathartic to me but i dont think im ready for it yet.#ultimately i just want much more body mods lol. the 5 ear piercings are great but i want More...#maybe i'll ask about the nose piercing when i go in to get the bar changed on my cartilage #probably should space them out a bit. for both healing and money's sake lol

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toastsnaffler · 11 months

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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent #.diaries

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animalfluidz · 2 years

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Ive also had a shift in friend groups, im like, not in one specifically but I know so many ppl 1 on 1. It's allowed me to be a bit more open with who i am and finding out parts i was afraid of opening up about are some of the features people REALLY love about me.

#what's funny is that it was discourse and a bunch of ppl who dont share much interests with me that kinda made me stay in my shell #with friends ive had awhile #im gonna be reluctant and slow to be more open #but my newer relationships have been getting there faster #simply bc it's low risk #if they dont like me #i dont have much attachment so it's w/e #my old friends im scared to lose #but ive been more open about myself #publicly ive been telling folks about my therian and autistic id #about the weird things i do #and just #not giving a shit dude #in turn ive decided to be super non-judgemental #bc that was the kinda stuff that made me hide #and familiars i see being more weird n happy #im enabling them #i have every intention to too #i want them to feel good bc i dont want anyone to ever hide who they are #bc on god seeing that? is so precious and awesome #ive had this funny chain going on where like once a month i discover someone developed a crush on me #it's so cute #yeah im being conceited as hell in the tags hehehehe

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