#but i hate how dizzy and spacey and weird it makes me feel

[hyah-lian]

ah shit I wanna go on the swings now

[noah-liketheboat]

I’ve recently begun using a wheelchair. Here’s the scoop.

I also started using forearm crutches even more recently but we’ll get to that in a second post bc this one got too long

I got my chair for $325 on OfferUp. It’s a motion composites Helio A6, and it has some fancy cushions on it. All in all I got it like 88% off of original price and it’s in pristine condition. Well, it was, until I brought it home and within 24 hours my cat scratched the (pink!!) paint job and put holes in the cushions. Thanks Misty. It now lives in the back of the car for its protection.

I put a clip-on cup holder on it and purple/white spoke covers. It’s pretty sick.

I use my wheelchair instead of walking/standing probably 30-40% of the time.

Personally

Oh my god it’s helped so much. I have so much more energy. I don’t flinch when I stand or walk. I can wait in line for food. I’m not dizzy, embarrassingly sweaty, and spacey just from standing in line anymore.

Because the previous owner spent literally $1,000 on special cushions (seat and back), I have the comfiest seat in any room 96% of the time. 10/10 would recommend. It helps with the back pain too obvi but first and foremost it’s so comfy.

I can go to the zoo. I get into the zoo for free because college but I can’t ever go because I can’t tolerate walking and standing for so long. But now I can go to the zoo!

I have more energy at the end of the day to participate in household chores and life. Before this, all my time was spent either in school or trying to recover enough to go to school again. Even doing my homework was difficult because of the fatigue, let alone date nights, hobbies, cooking dinner, sweeping the floors… it caused a lot of tension between me and my partner as well as my general being miserable.

Very steep learning curve. Very steep strength curve.

The ramp to my math class isn’t a steep grade but it’s long. When I started using it, I had to wheel up backwards. I got out of breath very easily and my shoulders were always aching something awful after going between classes. Now that hill is quite manageable and I only have sore shoulders if I’m going really fast or really far.

Wheelies. An unexpected but important skill. One that I am not good at. It took me weeks to get my wheels off the ground at all, but once I did I had a huge improvement and quickly was able to get my wheels ~6 or 8 inches off the ground. I still can’t sustain it though. I use them to go over bumps and get started up awkward ramps sometimes.

It’s been an amazing improvement to my life. I’m more independent, in less pain, happier, and more energetic. I should’ve done it earlier.

Observations:

People are weird. They talk to me more. Like, strangers ask me how my day is going in the elevator, people make small talk when they hold the door. This isn’t necessarily negative, but it is weird.

Kids stare. Adults also stare but they try to hide it. I don’t mind when kids stare though. They’re just curious and unaware.

I’m always a little nervous to ever stand up or walk out in public in case someone either thinks it’s a miracle and starts praising the lord or like hate-crimes me for “faking.”

When I wheeled in to all my classes after spring break, my teachers and seat mates were all instantly “oh my god what happened are you ok???” It’s a little awkward to explain that it’s just nerve damage that’s been getting worse.

People usually say “I’m so sorry” or “I hope you get/feel better soon!” And it’s like. I know their intentions are good, of course, but I don’t want people to be sorry! This has been an amazing life change for me! Also I’m not getting better, certainly not any time soon, and conversation gets awkward after that.

I think when I tell people it’s not really a “get better” thing, I think they at least subconsciously think it’s terminal or something?? Like. I’m not dying of nerve damage. I had nerve damage before spring break too. It’s just I finally decided to do something besides suck it up and hope I can make it through the day.

My campus is not as accessible as I once thought. The main culprit? UNLEVEL SIDEWALKS. They are the bane of my existence. My right arm will be pumping like my life depends on it and my left will be almost doing nothing. And then later when I’m doing the other way it’ll be the opposite.

There’s no ramp on the other side of one of the buildings I walk through to get to class. That was awkward.

There’s also a lot of cobblestone-type walking areas. Not only are they hella bumpy to wheel on, but they’re old and not well maintained. The cracks between slabs and the potholes can and will eject me from my chair if I’m not careful.

Funny story #1:

I rolled into the disability center on campus to take a test, as per usual (extended time and testing environment accommodations) and they had me wait while they got everyone else seated, which was weird, and then the testing coordinator came over to me and sat down next to me and was like “heyy how are you?” And I was like “I’m good, I’m good! Ah, well—*gestures to chair* yknow.” And she goes “Yeahh of course… so is this… new?”

Is it new??? Ma’am you see me every three weeks on the dot for tests, and every time for the past two years I’ve walked in on my own two feet, and today I come rolling in as I’ve transgendered into a vehicle. Yeah it’s new!!

Don’t worry I didn’t say that. I said “yeah, well, kind of. The chair is new, but the reasons aren’t. It’s just helping me a lot and my life is easier with it.” or smthn like that and she was like “oh ok good cool great”

Anyways, she just needed to tell me essentially that she would have me take my test at a height-adjustable table. Same room, same everything. Just instead of sitting in a test cubby I’d be at what’s essentially one of those standing desks. I was all nervous just for her to sit me at a table I can crank up and down like an old car window.

Funny Story #2

I’m rolling across the courtyard(??) in front of the library where they were having one of those random college of business things with tents everywhere. You’re aware. Just trying to get to class.

I hear “Hey! Excuse me, hey!” from behind me and I turn my head to see a girl frantically waving me down running across the grass. Naturally I’m intrigued.

She gets to me, a little out of breath, and then goes “Would you be interested in playing tennis?”

I look down at my chair. I look back up at her. “Ah… no…”

She was talking about adaptive tennis. Which I could’ve guessed probably but I was caught so off-guard and I was real confused.

She invited me to join the adaptive sports program/club thing, which is headed by a disabled professor but run entirely by able-bodied students (who get a class credit for volunteering with the organization, essentially). I told her I was really new so probably not, but I was willing to look into it. She gave me the professor’s email and I sent him an email like “hey one of your students flagged me down to talk abt adaptive sports but I’m shit at wheelchairing so probably not but I’d love to meet up and chat and get to know more about the program and stuff.”

It’s been a month. I haven’t gotten a reply or acknowledgement or anything.

All the stuff I can find about the program is obviously directed towards able-bodied students wanting them to volunteer or take the class. The Instagram has a post with each student in the class getting a slide with their lil intro and stuff. The professor only appears in group shots. At any rate I’m not that invested.

Personal Relations

Abled ppl when I told them I’m getting a wheelchair: oh no!! I’m so sorry!! What’s wrong!! That’s awful!! :((((

Disabled ppl when I told them I’m getting a wheelchair: omg that’s amazing I’m so happy for u :)

One exception to the able bodied trope: my youth group Bible study, surprisingly. I was sharing that I was really feeling a lot of turmoil about my decision and all that jazz and they were like “just do it. you already know it’s the right choice, and ur strong enough to do it” and they all “oohed” and “ahhed” when I rolled up with it next week. 10/10 queens.

My wheelchair has caused so many personal relationship issues in my life. So many.

Suddenly everyone’s a medical expert in me specifically. Everyone besides me knows what’s best, and what’s best is not a wheelchair. People who used to ask me what was wrong with them when they had a tickle in their throat or fell on their foot funny have apparently become scholars on complex hashimotos, nerve damage, neuropathy, and any and all suspected other conditions I may have. I wonder when they had time to do that, since they still don’t know how to care for a simple kitchen injury.

When I point out that the alternative to the wheelchair is constant+worsening pain and ask them if that’s what they think is best, these overnight medical experts get all huffy and don’t have an answer.

I have done extensive research about all my diagnosed conditions and possible ones over the course of many years. I’ve been in and out (mostly out) of at least a dozen doctor’s offices and done several rounds of different types of PT. I also live in my body 24/7. One of my earliest memories is of waking up my aunt at night during a sleepover because my nerve pain wouldn’t let me sleep. I wasn’t any older than 4. Back then the only words I had were leg cramps and growing pains.

I didn’t know my pain was abnormal for a long time. I’m good at hiding it. I’m good at “pushing through.” I experienced severe medical neglect, to the point of it being life-threatening, for nearly 2 years in the TTI and I was punished any time I tried to advocate for myself and my needs or really even talked about how I wasn’t physically well.

Basically I gave up trying to truly tell people how bad my quality of life was when I was about 16 because I wasn’t believed and I was often punished and/or had it used against me.

Nevertheless, everyone (read: my partner, my parents, and my partner’s parents) in my life thinks that I’m terrible awful wrong bad lying etc. for using the chair.

I’ve been using it for ~2 months and this is the first week my partner hasn’t argued with me about it or made an unnecessary comment. #1 worst thing they’ve said is that I’m “neglecting half of my body” by not walking 24/7. Oooh that made me mad. I do my PT almost every day, I stretch every day, I know exactly what almost every ache and pain originates from, I check in with my body constantly throughout the day. But I’m “neglecting it.” Not to mention that after my second appointment my Doctor specifically said he wants me using the chair until at least June.

My partner was originally very supportive, but then they talked to their mom and suddenly everything changed and they are borderline vindictive about my chair. Their mother is a Doctor, true, but most of her career she was a PICU nurse and also knows exactly nothing about my medical history except that I’m allergic to pecans and walnuts. Oh, and their dad has a friend who cured hashimotos by going gluten free, so obviously I’m just not trying hard enough or smthn. ((I’ve been almost gluten free before. No change.))

I cried every week about their attitude towards/comments about my chair except for this one. Every time I felt confident about it I would remember everything they said and my shoulders would physically slump. But no matter how many times I brought up how hurt and uncared for I was feeling, it ended up with me crying and them being either the same or more solid in their beliefs.

My therapist is a saint.

On the brightish side, my family and partner have finally begun taking my health and chronic issues seriously. I went to the Doctor two weeks after I got the chair and got started on a new medicine (a loop diuretic if anyone’s curious).

My mom keeps asking if I’m “better yet” and it’s really hurtful for some reason? She wants to know all my improvements, but when I start to say how my chair has helped so much, she cuts me off and says “no I mean the medicine.”

I am on the lowest dose they make, and I only take it every other day. I haven’t lost any weight since starting it (loop diuretics work by flushing excess water out of your body via peeing every twelve seconds, and this leads to weight loss. It’s estimated I’m carrying ~30lbs in water weight). Again, it’s been nearly two months. I’m the pissmaster 9000 every other day.

My mom at some point said she just “can’t accept that I’m in a wheelchair at 20.” My brother in Christ, what does that even mean? I’m not even using it full-time, or even the majority of the time.

I’ve had a follow up with my Doctor since I started but he kept me on the same dose even though I told him I haven’t lost any weight. Cest la vie.

He did tell me he wants me using the chair until at least June, and if all goes well he’ll start me in (another round of) PT, and it sounded like he wanted me doing decently intensive PT because he asked if I was in school in June and said it was good I wasn’t. If I go to PT, the chair usage advice will be passed on to them.

This post got far too long. I’ll split my crutches experience into a separate post and link it here once it’s up.

The chair herself. Yeah it’s in a bathroom don’t worry about it.

[theprettynosferatu]

January 6:

    Freezing day at the office today. I wanted to turn the heat up, but I know they’d tsk tsk me and say some bullshit about energy consumption and being a green, environmentally friendly company. Of course, that they’re cheap as hell doesn’t hurt the bottom line. Fine, business, I get it. 

    I logged in as soon as I got home. It still feels weird. I know it’s just kink and harmless fun, but damn if the contrast between my day life and my night life isn’t starting to weigh on me. I try to put up a wall between the two sides, but I can’t help feeling… I don’t know. It’s ridiculous, but a part of me imagines what the people at the office would say if they saw the shit I get off to, the stuff I type when I’m chatting on the discord. “Oh, look at Jenny, not so strong now, calling random people online Daddy and Sir! What a bad feminist!”

    I know it’s silly, I do. Life is life and kink is kink and fuck it, I fight like hell to get my due all day. I can play the submissive slut in the privacy of my own damn home. Still, it’s so weird how that idea others have of who you are and how you should behave gets to you, even when you’re alone. It’s like the fuckers are hiding in there, waiting to make me feel guilty as soon as I cum and my mind clears. 

    Maybe I shouldn’t log in so often.

    January 8:

    Steve tried to fuck me again. Wait, bad phrasing. Steve tried to sabotage me again. I can’t even hate him… in fact, if anything, I feel insulted. I mean, at least he could try to do a good job at being a climbing, backstabbing asshole, but apparently that’s above his capacity. That he thought I wouldn’t keep copies of every chat log is downright ridiculous. That man dreams himself a shark, when he’s only a gnat. But he did manage to annoy me, I’ll give him that much. My job is hard enough without his clumsy attempts at corporate politics. 

    Fuck it. I’ve earned some kink time.

    January 9:

    I have to admit last night was… I don’t know. Weird. I’m… a bit fuzzy on the details. I remember meeting this guy on the discord server and going on private chat and… Fuck, why can’t I remember? I can recall the feeling perfectly… the warmth and joy and my pussy so fucking soaked… I went to see the log today but it’s gone. I must have deleted it. Why did I do that? It makes no sense. Should I be scared? I don’t know. I don’t think so. It felt so good… I’m sure nothing bad happened; I don’t know how I know it, but he’s… safe. Caring. I trust him.

    Anyway, they’re going to make us work from home for now. Yay pandemic. 

    Since I won't be going to the office, maybe I can have some fun. Like, changing my hair? It’s not like they’ll see me every day and I can always turn the video off on zoom calls if it looks bad. Speaking of, I should be hopping on a call soon… I really, really don’t want to. I’m so tired of the office bullshit. I just want to hop back on Discord. Is that bad?

    January 12:

    Oh God I can’t believe it. Blonde looks so fucking good on me! I look at myself in the mirror and I want to do is take pics and pics of how cute and slutty I look! I don’t like taking selfies, usually… but damn I look pretty!

    I think I’m edging too much. I… I can’t remember huge chunks of yesterday. I know I got notifications on my phone, and I went to look and it was him sending a dm and… I didn’t cum. I know I didn’t cum. I can feel it in my pussy, how needy and desperate it feels. I kinda want to get myself off, but… no, I can’t. Good girls don’t cum. Where did that come from? Fuck, I feel so dizzy and spacey… I think I have a zoom meeting soon… I can’t be sure. I need to check the schedule again, but that’s so boring! I want to take more pics! I hope he’ll like them. 

    I’m not showing my face, though. I’m not dumb. 

    January 13:

    I barely managed to mute myself! I was on a work call, and then my phone sent the notification and my hand instantly went between my legs and I muted myself just in time. Good thing the camera was off! I felt like such a fucking slut, edging my cunt like a little bitch as people were talking… Not that I was following the conversation before… I feel so ditzy these days. It’s not my fault! I’m, like, super edged! Something about going back to the office in a few weeks. I don’t care. I edged and edged and they didn’t even know I was being a little whore and it felt so wicked and good… I felt so… right, so… me. I can’t explain it, it’s like there’s public me and now a real me, a blonde me, a slutty toy me, and I like her better than I like the fake me.

I’m not making any sense.

I should take more cute pics. Maybe start an Instagram? I don’t know. I hate social media. A complete waste of time. But I do look so good… and girls are supposed to show off, right? It’s so complicated. Also, how is He going to see my hair if I don’t show him my face? Of course I should show it. I’m not dumb.

January 16: 

The new outfits arrived which is weird because I don’t remember ordering them, but damn it they are so cute and sexy! I tried on a lot of combinations, and took soooo many sexy pics! I’m getting better at posing, thanks to the girls on Instagram. They know how to show off! I especially like a tube top and tight jeans combo that makes my ass look so amazing and shows off my flat belly! I wish I had bigger boobs to make the top pop. 

I went to get groceries in my new clothes and I didn’t wear a bra. I don’t know why, I just… no, I didn’t forget, I just needed to… not wear it. A lot of men looked at me and it felt weird but not bad weird, it was like they all wanted to fuck me and I liked it, I liked having all those eyes on me but also my titties are small and I bet if they were bigger even more people would look at me that way and I ended up having to edge in the store’s bathroom and I was late for my zoom meeting but I’m not sure I care.

I talk to him every night now, I think. Sometimes it’s fuzzy. I haven’t cum since… I lost count. Makes it so hard to focus. But He will tell me when it’s time to cum, I know he will. He knows best.

January 18:

My plug is here! He sent it to me and it’s pink and sparkly and so cute! I wore it all day today, and it felt so amazing being on the call and knowing I was plugged like a good girl, and everyone was talking and no one realized I was being a little slutty pet all the while! It was so fun, and I edged soooo much afterwards! Oh! I’m getting more and more followers on Insta! I know they follow me because I’m getting like, real good at posing like a little whore and they’re all getting off to me and I imagine them all and I feel like making people horny is the best. I wish I could do it all the time.

I looked into getting bigger boobs. I have some savings… can’t remember what I was saving for, but it can’t be more important than cute boobies. 

    January 20:

    I had a meeting with the doctor today. Obviously, I went looking my best, wearing my high heels, fishnet stockings and my cute pink plug! He spoke with big words and honestly it was hard to follow but then we talked size and I got all excited and wet and chose a big size that will make everyone want to fuck them! 

    The doctor was super nice, and I remember He told me that if a man is nice I should be polite and ask to suck their cock like a good girl, so I did and he was so taken aback and surprised it was soooo funny! But then he locked the door and I knew I had to get on my knees and use all my skill to make him cum, and he came so quick and so much! I feel so proud! My cunt was soaked but He hadn’t given me permission to cum and if I rubbed then I knew I would have exploded. I can’t remember when I came last. It doesn’t matter, He remembers for me. I guess I sucked the doctor off really well, because he told me he’d schedule me as soon as possible and give me lots of follow up meetings.

    January 23:

    Another box arrived. I don’t know if I ordered it or if He ordered for me but it’s really the same thing because He can make me order stuff. He can make me edge and He says He can make me cum but He hasn’t yet because He wants me edged and it’s like, so frustrating but also soooo good. I’m horny all the time now, and can’t focus on work Zoom at all. Good thing they’re not asking me so many questions now. I think they know I’m not thinking right. A part of me is kinda scared that they won’t think I’m smart anymore, and another part gets so wet thinking about how they all think I’m just a silly girl!

    The box is full of toys and I want to try them all but He tells me which ones go where and when to use them. A large dildo is to be permanently affixed to my computer chair. It’s gonna be so hard not to bounce on it during Zoom calls! I’m going to take a week off for the surgery, though. Maybe He’ll let me cum after I get my new boobs, calm my cunt down a bit.

    January 30:

   

    My boobies hurt still but they look so amazing! I stand in front of the mirror and I see such a fuckable, big tittied slut! Fuck, it makes me insane. I’ve edged so much today! Oh! Oh! He told me that with new boobs comes a new name. I’m Candy now! I love it so much!! Candy feels like the perfect whore name for me! 

    He told me to dance, so I recorded myself dancing like a bitch in heat for Him. I felt so… at peace, if that makes sense. Does it? I don’t know. It’s like my body knows I should be dancing and exposing myself to make cocks hard aaaaaall the time. I wish I could!

    February 2:

    The Zoom call today was so hard! I turned the cam on and everyone saw my new boobs and they all tried to ignore them and I could tell they were getting hot and the chair dildo was so deep inside me and I had to try so hard not to bounce on it like a complete mindless slut! 

    After the call I had dinner in my kitty bowl. He says Candy is His pet so she eats from the bowl, and He’s so right. I like being his pet. So much better than being a stupid respectable person!

    February 4:

    I came today!! He told me to play until I came and I tried so hard to cum quick but my cunt is so used to edging that I shoved toy after toy inside it and played with my plug and I couldn’t cum and then the Zoom started and I went on the call and didn’t realize my juicy titties were out and the chair dildo is so big and I couldn’t resist riding it and drooling and moaning and panting and everyone was watching me and fuck I loved it and I looked at them looking at Candy and I came so fucking hard! But it wasn’t enough, I needed to keep going and keep calling myself a dumb pet and a mindless slut and they kicked me off the call but I don’t care, He says he has a better job for me.

    February 6:

   

    I love this place, and the lights, and the music and all the men shouting at the cunts on stage! I feel like this is home, this is where I always belonged. I don’t know why I ever thought otherwise. Good thing He found me when He did! 

    I’m about to go on. In a moment the DJ will announce me and I’ll make everyone so hard with my slutty body! I can’t wait to hear it, to hear the DJ say… Here’s Candy!

Did you enjoy this story? You can support my work at patreon.com/prettynosferatu !

[gayspock]

dont rb its simply little emo moments for yourself truly

mm. thought of eating makes me feel ill. cant take my meds on an empty stomach or i get faint&dizzy. shouldn’t keep screwing with meds like this & unsure of wht brought it all on. bc nothins happened. and i wasnt doin so badly - at least, with regards to that  - for the past while, but gggod... rn i feel like cryin , dont wnt to stomach anythin. the idea of puttin anythin in my mouth makes me wanna gag or sob. and im bein irrational, ik i am. mmhm. but also idk.

also just feelin v passively sad and deeply lonely. nothin new but idk. hum hum. u kno how u phase in and out... different manners of being miserable. sometimes its all meltdowns and whatnot AND sometimes its all spacey. idk ive been something approximating the latter for the past while but also, notably lucid the past few hours. like it’s all unreal and yet there’s those moments of like... immense awareness, but like it’s from a different perspective kinda vibe u kno? man, u kno the vibe. like tht vibe. and idk the vibe of tht is: not meltin down in a big bold and sexy way but fuckn god. sombre reflection or whotever... metaphorically taking yourself between your fingers with a loupe- the inspection, and passin judgement. letting yourself FEEL that self-hatred, in the detached manner. you know wht i mean. THAT kinda night, girlies. like oh i hate myself. class act. i hate myself well. and truly i do and i sincerely do wish i was not alive- kinda feeling... and the sentiment is devoid of emotion: instead its all rationale and realities that you thumb through that are objectionable. clinical assessment of youre a fucking failure and how little you can do . hopelessness but no need to wallow in hopelessness because it’s self-perpetuating and its time to just sit with it all and just kinda loathe your own existence ... puarely because there’s nowt to be done , my girls. nowt at all but the You Know What. contemplating. its so senseless to keep going . you know how it is. in objective terms .

dont know. hate myself. fuckn wish i was dead innit.  wish there were succinct ways of sayin it. unsure of whether it actually matters if there are, but sometimes just doesnt feel like sayin hate myself is enough. sometimes want words of brevity that still resound with... the depth of that. you know what i mean. im not good at shite like that, but im not good at any shite. feel hopeless feel empty feel so blank and like empty space- not even in an absence sense, but in an nonexisting sense- and what little substance there is is what... existing in farfetched realities , weird-ass fuckin fantasy and even in that im still a void but there’s some colour you know wht i mean. maybe context. or maybe i AM an empty space, an absence, as opposed to just nothing. like, i dont think i can indulge in idea where someone would love me or where i was good at something  or there was fulfilment but there are just ... thoughts sometimes and dreams where its like: im as miserable and as stupid and as useless as i am but im not always confined to blank walls and silence as i have been for too long but there’s situation around me and i hate it still- god i hate it still - and its empty still and its meaningless.

and i dont know. people who are sad - other people who are sad - always seem to have this  yearning or longing in A sense do you know what i mean and i know its skewed i recognise its inherently a biased perspective . that only the people who are sad, and who Want, will talk about wanting because otherwise there would be nothing to say and so those to the contrary are naturally silent but also. do you know wht i mean .. i wish i was Sad in a way that was tragic and felt like a demand of something , that i was sad in a way that made me Sad for the fact i was lonely or sad that i was inadequate and i wish that sadness could manifest into something, like the idea of poetry and writing and a sadness with not a purpose but with a personality but i dont know with the years that go by. void and whatnot. i dont know what i want and i keep approaching things, thinking maybe this is it, but then i think its just the idea of it that traps me. the idea of maybe wanting something until that breaks down and i realise i dont want it at all. does it make sense. mourn the loss of not achieving only to realise i dont know if i even wanted to. i dont want any of it.  i cant talk to anyone any more and sometimes i think to myself “god i had such a big personality- not even when i was younger, but maybe even 4 years ago” and i dont know if i ever did i still cant tell how much is me just spinning wheels out of necessity . i know i overcompensate way too much sometimes when im a little freaked out as to how to act but even that isnt so much POSSIBLE these days but sometimes it is but then that makes the starkness of it all so much more... stark when u go from dead silence, incapble of even pretending to want to talk to want to Exist, to the fuckn ceaseless empty word vomit . spinning wheels. spinning plates? idk. idk how to talk to someone normally and im 21 in a week , and i dont mean in terms of anxiety, i simply just cant find anything within myself of substance and i truly am too too tired to keep at it, to keep it going, to keep overcompensating and forcing a presence . its exhausting it isnt sustainable and its why i cant even do it any more i think  . i dont kno wht i am and whatnot u know wht i mean. i cant keep goin like this is all i know. i dont want anything. and its sincerely not worth it to keep living for nothing. it just isnt. im sick of my existence. exhausted with the hopelessness. hmm. im rambling and going everywhere all at once i believe.

[jamiebluewind]

Thank You

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for being kind. I know some of you must be... annoyed that I haven't been sharing anything lately (I have too if I'm being honest), but nobody has thrown any hate at me for it and for that, I'm grateful.

I've been resting up since I got out of the hospital, a fact that has been driving me crazy if I'm being honest. Only so many hours in a day and I'm spending so many of um in the bed (doesn't help that dad fussed at me for it)! Then I tell myself that if one of you were in the same position, I'd be fussing your ear off for thinking such a thing and trying to get you to rest, so I'm trying to give myself the same courtesy.

I'm... hesitant to share what went wrong, not for embarrassment but because I don't want yall to worry. Then I realized that this post has probably already make you think far worse, so here goes...

WARNING: Blood mention, illness, body function mention, pain, menstruation, confusion, dehydration, (please tell me if I missed any!)

I got an IUD put in. I didn't want it, but my periods are bad and my insurance wouldn't cover just removing the parts before trying this first. It caused a lot of pain due to having nothing for pain, the person putting it in not knowing what they were doing, and them using silver nitrate without rinsing it off which gave me chemical burns on my cervix. I stayed in pain and they responded saying to take a tylenol and I'd eventually be fine. During this time, I bled constantly. Not a lot, but some. I also had my normal periods to deal with. I found out it was even effecting my mood and making me tired (hormones, constant cramping, or both, you be the judge). Two months in, I wanted it out. They said I just needed to tough it out and I would be fine by 6 months. I'm pretty sure my face did a thing that symotaniously screamed confusion and "fuck you", but I did as I was told.

In the meantime (during December and even now), my heater thermostat started doing something weird. I set the temp, but it would let it get down to like 55° F (12.7° C) at night when it was set on like 68 (20° C). During the day, it would get about 10° F warmer than what it was set (so like 78° F or 26° C). It was kicking on, but not regulating it how it was supposed to. I told my landlady, but they take for-freaking-ever! So out comes an electric blanket to keep me warm at night. I basically lived under the thing after the sun set! I just kept it on one or two so I wouldn't get too warm. I was also feeling crapy (*gestures to previous paragraph*), which meant more bed time than normal.

A few days before Christmas, I got a shot that was supposed to last a month and help block a nerve that causes migraines. I have debilitating hemiplegic migraines and the risk was very low, so I decided to give it a shot. The medication is very new and due to my rare form of migraine reacting atypically to medications, you would think I would know by now not to try medications that haven't been out long.

The fourth and final domino in all this was all the running due to the holiday season. I'm disabled and I have a weak immune system, but I kept pushing myself. I walked so much price shopping for things for everyone that would both mean something and not break budget (even when me left leg wanted to nope out) because Dad gave me a bit of money last minute to help me buy gifts and I only had a week. I wrapped gifts for dad and myself. I cleaned and did some baking. Then there was the driving and the great but exhausting time with family and playing catch with my youngest nephew until my arm was nearly falling off. When I eventually got back home, my whole body had this bone deep ache. Not like overworking muscles after not using them for a long time, but like I had the flu. This is on top of the cramping.

*Note: Some of the information past this point is things the medical staff told me happened, things my dad said happened, and texts*

I would get better and worse. Always worse when I first woke up (remember the blanket?). I went to dad's for a traditional southern New Year's meal. He said I was spacey, lethargic, and far more quiet than normal. My eyes had trouble focusing and I had trouble concentrating. I looked tired so, he made me sleep before driving home. I woke up about 3 am, drank a glass of water, drove home, wrote a post about it (which took entirely too long for me to write), and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and just... laid there. I was having trouble figuring out where my body was. It just felt numbed somehow. I called my neurologist thinking it was a side effect the the drug. I'm not sure what I said, but they made me go to the ER.

I'm not sure how I drove there to be honest. I do remember somebody honking. I'm glad it was close, but still. It's a wonder I didn't get in a wreck!

I don't remember much. A yellow floor sign. A woman writing with a marker. Another woman with brown drawn on eyebrows. A machine that had a small piece of that brown first aid tape stuck to it. A name that made me think of the green emoji face (which my normal brain has yet to figure out). I had trouble talking and thinking. I remember repeating "stay still" over and over the (I think it was) several times I was instructed to, because if I didn't, I'd forget. I'm pretty sure I left my room several times. I know I went to my car once. I remember eating food, but I only recall a pineapple cup because I realized partway that I had a spoon that I could use. I kept forgetting to tell them I was hurting when they asked. I had a headache and sick stomach. I also felt so cold and my feet were like ice, but I was running a low grade fever after all.

I started feeling a little better, but the doctor still admitted me. I had a white count, but they couldn't figure out from where. I messaged a few people to let them know what was going on finding typing easier than talking. I used that to my advantage and typed out my allergies to show a nurse.

They struggled getting the IV in, even on my hand. When it finally was in I was hooked up to fluids to keep it open. More blood taken to try and figure out what was wrong. I gave them what urine sample I could which was tinted (I couldn't help it). They had already done some type of brain scan (but I didn't remember it). I kept having minor dizzy spells, but I attributed it too all the blood they took.

They kept giving me stuff, but nothing helped my headache. It wasn't a migraine, but still very nasty. I was grateful when something finally seemed to help.

My nurse came back with lots of juice to go with my super so I'd have something to drink and a container of ice water. She was new to the hospital and hung around at times just checking on me and talking. Just a nice person. It was otherwise a lot of sleeping.

The longer I stayed, the easier it was to communicate, but the tests couldn't figure out why. They ruled out seizures and a stroke. A mini stroke was highly unlikely and didn't fit. They couldn't find an infection anywhere. My white count went back to normal. They couldn't figure it out.

That was until my nurse from the previous day came back. We just talked about general things until I made a joke about the urine sample from the day before. She asked if it was clean catch and I said yes, but just barely. That ended up causing questions and her checking charts. Turns out that despite being there since the morning before, I had peed twice (with the last time hours before). She pressed on my bladder which wasn't distended. 3 bags of fluid, 3 meals (2 of which I know I ate all of), plus whatever I drank. I had been dehydrated to the point that it had caused my white count to go up and was the reason behind my confusion, lethargy, dizziness, headache, nausea, and low urine output. I was pretty surprised. I was released before lunch.

Pushing past my limits, minor medication side effects (including one long term med), staying under an electric blanket too much to stay warm (combined with exhaustion which meant longer in bed and less time awake to drink water), and pain and constant bleeding due to my IUD... all those things combined causing it to happen. I'm still... oof. Still tired. Still weak. Still recovering. Sleeping so much that the days fly by. Drinking lots of water. And otherwise doing just fine (save for my sleep schedule going to shit again). I still love my electric blanket; it's just been temporary retired until I can get myself rehydrated again. That means my other blankets are out of the vacuum bags and piled up to keep me warm ^_^

Speaking of warm, I have my very own love bug/velcro/snuggle buddy Danny who has been on me like white on rice since I got home. He's a good boy

[talenlee]

Okay, so straight up, Sam and Max Hit The Road is one of my favourite games. It’s a point-and-click adventure game with some frustratingly obtuse puzzles. I don’t know if I can even recommend it as a game per se because the times I struggled with the solutions to its ridiculously obtuse view of the world are all so far in the past that I can’t imagine how anyone would solve them. Some of the puzzle solutions are positively arcane.

When you boil down a lot of point-and-click adventure games, they have one problem: Use key on door. In fact, sometimes games that tried to do something different (like Future War and Full Throttle) were criticised for the involvement of those other elements. In Sam and Max Hit The Road, there’s a handful of, y’know, bits and stuff designed to introduce other puzzles and problems, but none of the game is too hard once you grasp the thread of the game’s weird poke-it-and-see methodology.

So, right, as a game: It’s good, but it’s of its time. The GOG release brings automatic saves and windowed play and those are nice modern conveniences. Okay? Play it with a walkthrough nearby but don’t follow the walkthrough directly. Just use it when you’ve poked everything to laugh at the responses you find, but not to remain stranded in a narrative point for a while. I like it, I think it’s good, it’s cheap and it’s really funny.

And hey.

Now.

Let’s do the heck out of talking about Sam and Max Hit The Road.

Culture

Sam and Max Hit the Road is a game that really couldn’t be made today, and we know that because when Sam and Max got episodic content that content worked more or less at odds with the way the game felt, but more about that later when I talk about the sequels. Everything in the game had going for it was one of those lightning-in-a-bottle moments for its genre, for the gaming culture, and even for the company that made it.

It was made by Lucasarts, the only people who could comfortably make fun of Star Wars in the gaming sphere, who had access to some top-notch graphic assets (in the form of artists) and an engine that they knew inside and out. What’s more, that engine was really good at this one specific type of game and didn’t try to get weird or cute with it. They had the tools and the skills and the people and they had an idea for an intellectual property that was very much being built on the creative mind and work of one of the people working on the game rather than chasing a marketable franchise. Basicaly, Lucasarts had enough money and clout to make something nobody cared about before they started, and made it excellently enough that it endures even now some twenty-three years on.

While games like Day of the Tentacle and Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis sought to represent a location or a single movie’s adventure narrative, Sam and Max Hit The Road wanted to make its whole story about a ridiculous road trip across an enormous country and show a resting state of considerable, constant weirdness. This meant that the game was about showing off a culture, and that meant that most of the game, for all that it’s about following an interruption to the status quo, is about representing a status quo that somehow all fits together – a default state. And that means you can look at Sam and Max as a little time capsule of the childhoods of the people who made it reflecting on the America they knew released into an America that was.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Sam and Max represents a world that is pre-cellphone. It’s 1994. There are phone booths – and one factors into a puzzle. It’s pre-internet, too, and the world it depicts is the Weird America of that pre-internet life. If you journey across Sam and Max’s America, you’ll be treated to a series of roadside weirdnesses. Their starting point, a office in the big city, is crime-riddled and surrounded by degeneracy. There are gunfights at random, a store selling GUNS, LIQUOR, BABY NEEDS (which still makes me laugh) is on the corner, and violence ensues at almost all opportunities.

It’s when they’re pulled out of this needless depiction of 1990s inner-city crime and poverty that they streak across the country looking at this compulsively weird culture, and that culture is something that’s sort of faded. It’s a given in Sam and Max that there are UFOs and Bigfoots and roadside attractions with strange dark fates to them and tourist traps that are themselves, actually real things. There’s Jesse James’ severed hand in a jar and it’s just, y’know, there, in a carnival. There’s even a puzzle about finding a location on the map that lies between other, extremely ludicrous magical locations.

It’s this particular view of America’s middles and betweens as being populated by the unnatural simply forgotten by the cities that has faded in recent years. The era of the cellphone and the universal camera means that a lot of the things that Sam and Max jokes about existing are kind of past beliefs, with new, much more dark and hateful conspiracy theories replacing them.

There’s something childish about it, too. There’s something lovely about how you play with paper cutout dolls, or a diner placemat map, or that you can play Travel Carbomb (and that’s a name that aged poorly, fast). It’s a game that remembers being on these journeys as a passenger.

Values

There’s a lot of subversion in the oddness here as well. There are some locations that are literally interchangeable with one another – functionally identical spaces but for some minor, superficial changes. The Snuckeys are all the exact same locations, with the exact same key items and dialogue and puzzle solutions, a little subtle poke at the very nature of American tourist trap franchising.

Yet at the same time, this little corner of capitalist culture features a little glimpse of one of the other values that runs throughout Sam and Max Hit The Road: Happiness.

Whenever you meet people, broadly speaking they are doing okay. The story represents a whole range of people across the United States, mostly people who are working in touristed areas, doing menial jobs or thankless tasks… and they’re okay.

Most people aren’t happy, not wildly so, but they’re okay. There’s the Snuckeys employees, who are all identical and talk about having to comply with the brand’s standards, but they’re okay. They take pride in their work. They enjoy things in their work. There’s a man whose business flooded and he devised a solution. There’s food servers and store owners, there are tourists and hobbyists and yes, some bigfoots and people solving their day-to-day problems with rebranding efforts, and mostly, people are okay living their lives in their weird ways. There’s no apocalyptic sadness or unhappiness – there’s a certain joy for all these people who are just enjoying what they enjoy, doing what they do.

The thing that’s really interesting to me is the story only really represents a small number of people as being unhappy. In fact, specifically, there’s only one major character who both starts and ends the game unhappy, and that’s Conroy Bumpus, who is also depicted as being vain, self-obsessed, cruel and rich. Conroy built a monument to himself in his ranch and he spends much of the game disappointed and unhappy because he can’t have what he wants – a non-human humanoid to torture. The one other probably-wealthy person you see in the game is Evelynn Moriss, who is depicted as being a bit spacey but also using her wealth and position to benefit the bigfoots – who are her guests.

Narrative

Hell, let’s talk about story structure because, inexplicably, Sam and Max Hit the Road has a good one. I’ve spoken about how good stories that want to feel rooted to the real world are ones where there’s a single instigating event, like in Stranger Things.  There’s a single instigatory event in the narrative, but without that instigating event, the other things in the story exist and would have existed in a sort of stasis. The Bigfoot party was going to happen whether or not Bruno showed up; Conroy Bumpus was always fooling around looking for a Bigfoot to add to his collection; and Sam and Max weren’t even going to do anything different with their day unless the instigatory event happened.

That event is Trixie, the Giraffe-necked girl, conscripting the Fire-breather to free Bruno, with whom she’d believed she was in love. Trixie is a lot of things (it’s kind of weird she’s white but I’m also super relieved she isn’t black), and her story is silly, but she’s still someone who wanted something, made a plan, and took action to make it happen. It’s kind of hard to hold her up too high because she is ultimately a silly character in a silly story where almost every character you encounter is an incompetent boob, but she’s not worse than anyone else?

That’s another thing, too! Hit The Road has like, women in it? After replaying Space Quest games it’s kind of dizzying to realise that Sam and Max, with its four women with speaking roles, is a lot better about women than some other games of its era. Because holy hell that’s so depressing. FIVE! And none of them suffer anything randomly terrible – though I suppose Trixie does get kidnapped at one point, which sucks. There’s also a woman in the introduction who is herself not a character, but does exist to show up the awfulness of the self-styled Nice Guy archetype.

Still, in this era of Oh Yeah Women Exist?? it’s amazing to see this game treats them in a way that’s Definitely Not Good Enough, but still is so much better than many of its peers. It has a better plot and better character representation than many games of its generation – and this is a game where you play a talking dog who’s friends with a lagamorph!

Verdict

You can get Sam And Max Hit The Road on GOG, and that’s all for now.

Verdict

Get it if:

You already own it in some other format

You know you like point-and-click games and want a large one

You want a game that’s funny and want to marinate in it

Avoid it if:

You’re looking for a game that’s mature in its problem solving

You’re really not into the use-thing-on-thing school of problem solving

You want all your puzzles to be very key-on-door solutions

[continuity category=8]

Game Pile: Sam & Max Hit The Road Okay, so straight up, Sam and Max Hit The Road is one of my favourite games. It's a point-and-click adventure game with some frustratingly obtuse puzzles.

[roses-and-oceans]

Ahhhhh. Writing thoughts. I hate it when things go bad, my brain decides to turn on its defense mechanism. Pretty much I'm not all that here, my brain feels like its floating against the dura mater, everything is fuzzy like I'm drunk but none of the giggles or laughing. And then its just pressure. Actual pressure that I'm feeling in my head because if feels like it's actually going to pop out of my skull. My memory's getting worse and worse and im like my grandmother before she died, saying things that had just been said a minute ago, forgetting if something had been done. I'm not present and everything's out of focus. Its weird, its uncomfortable, its... Weird. My head feels like its swimming and drowning, but I can't feel the water. And so I don't know what's real sometimes. I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I'm trying to process things but idk if I'm absorbing things. I can't see past tomorrow. I don't know what to do. All I know is that writing this down helps but when I'm done my head will fill up with more helium. Ahhh my nerves are getting the better of me, I'm getting really anxious even though I did everything I could and I can't do anything more. But. Idk. It comes and goes in waves and turns into eddies in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I should do something. But I can't. Because there's nothing I can do. But my mind is still telling me I should be able to do something. As if by magic, I'll have magical powers and fix things again. I really wish I could. I really wish I wasn't so spacey. I wish my head can come back down so I can concentrate. So I can be present. I'm trying to focus but it makes me dizzier, it makes me nauseous. I'm too dizzy, dazed, spacey, not present. I don't know how to make things better. I thought I was at rock bottom but I guess they're making lower levels. I don't know how to make things better. It may not be my job to but I at least want to try. Maybe when I'm not dazed in space I can figure it out.