#but i have a lot of dental fear bc you only get one go

[dearmrsawyer]

hello! it has been a long time since i've talked through my day! this one had such a big turnaround that i needed to document it, mostly for myself.

i had an appointment with a 'root canal specialist' today bc i had my first app with my new dentist a couple of weeks ago and his xray revealed an abscess wow how fun :) i couldn't feel it bc that tooth has a decade old root canal so there are no nerves to reveal there is anything going on!! fun!!!! he's a super nice dentist, i like him but he made me very panicked lol he was showing me how close it is to my sinuses on the xray. so he was like 'go see this guy asap' bc he wanted to know whether there was a chance my old root canal could be redone or if i'd have to get the whole tooth removed/an implant, all for the low low price of $5-6000 🙃 but obviously you can never see specialists asap!!! so i've been walking around for 2.5 weeks with dread/phantom pains that by the time i saw him the infection would've spread and idk had catastrophic consequences??? and then today when i went there was CONSTRUCTION at the turn i needed to make and the road was closed and i was like i don't know how to get there from another street??!?!?!??! i spent 10 minutes driving through suburban streets and my navigation kept trying to take me back to the original route with the closed road, and its the middle of town so there was nowhere i could just temporarily stop and look at the map, and i called them almost crying to let them know i'm coming but i might be late bc i just can't navigate these streets jegjkdgkjdkg

anyway i MADE it, i think i parked in another business's parking lot and just hoped they didn't care lol and then the lady at the desk was like 'our other specialist will have to see you bc the guy you're here for isn't here' so i was feeling uhhhh not good after my dentist talked him up so much. AND my dentist didn't send over my electronic referral and i had LITERALLY been stressed that he would forget to do exactly that for the whole 2.5 weeks oh my god, thankfully they didnt even seem to care. but then as i was filling out the paperwork in the waiting room 'no judgment' came on, and then 'wolves' right after??? and i was like this seems deliberate to try and calm me down 😂 and when the substitute specialist called me in he was so extremely calming and talked me through my options, one of which is indeed to try and redo the root canal bc he's confident he can, it would still cost a lot but wayyyyy less. he also said i could 'do nothing' (which is obv risky, and i would never do nothing, but that made me realise my infection is not about to bust through and spread across my sinuses any second, one fear down!). he was just softly spoken and super relaxed and he made me feel like this was not in fact a crisis and said i could go and think about what i wanted to do, and just call for an appointment when i decided. and then when i went out to pay 'i want to write you a song' was playing 😭 i asked the receptionists if there was a 1d fan in the house and one of them said it must just be a random playlist on spotify, so this was all a complete coincidence????? i told them i was enjoying it very much.

anyway long story short i had already taken the rest of the afternoon off work to go work in the garden, but figured there was a good chance i'd be so down about an unexpected and immiment $5000 hit that i wouldn't want to do anything, but i drove home feeling extremely reassured that i had options and i was not on the clock to decide, and also very relaxed by 1d playing in the background the entire time. i have also been extremely stressed that i would need to take the next step asap and this would be such a bad time as mum is working 50 hour weeks right now bc of the referendum, so i am on caring duty with nonna/nonno anytime we don't have carers here. but there's time! i had a v good afternoon in the garden after all!

[cubezart]

Hi!! You totally don't know me at all, I'm a complete stranger >:) And I'd love to hear about Jim's mental world!!

HI ok so erm this is mostly just gonna be a mess of rambles and vague ideas smushed together barely in order but

(old/outdated concept sketch, but it's a good start)

for starters, the prime issue(s) to help resolve in his mental world (or this version at least) is jim's fear of burdening his friends and family, and his resistance to reaching out for help, as much as he really needs it. it doesn't get too deep into his trauma, it's just giving jim the push he needs to seek out help again

after jim's recent divorce with bettie, he's been trying to give his family "some space to process" ...which didn't take long to sink back into old self isolation habits. he's been putting his all into his job to repress and distract from everything else going on with him, and it doesn't seem like it'll work for very much longer

first area in his mind is a boring + extremely tiny office room, the other cubicles are all empty and open except for jim's, which has a big metal door attached to the entrance. you can try and talk to him or ask him things, but it won't get you much . he insists he's happier in there really !! its so nice and safe hes fine :) its ok :)

when asked why he's locked in, he'll insist it's for his own safety, saying some vague stuff while the clairvoyance hints become even more obvious. when you use clairvoyance on him, his POV shows the cubicle door and everywhere around it surrounded by nightmares clawing and staring at him from the other side. (something something these are all just his own perception of things and he's really not in danger)

afterwards, his dialogue tree gets pretty short and limited, leaving raz to explore !! there's a few doors you can interact with, one being just a simple archetype-required door with a little collectible or somethin. the other is an old n dusty storage closet filled with memory vaults piling up to the ceiling. you can't really interact with any of those individually, (maybe some raz line along the lines of "i can't punch through all those :( ") but there's one or two real ones that just seem to have completely mundane and normal memories inside. weird! cuz with cpstd n trauma memory loss/repression, it can repress a lot more than what's necessary

there's one last door to try, leading out into the next phase ! raz says goodbye to jim, and jim happily waves back as the door shuts n locks behind raz, and the hallway distorts and extends, distancing raz away too :( sorta like the effect in the pn2 office construct !! im taking a lot of inspo from that world tbh heehe except for the obvious yknow. dental stuff

the next phase is kind of a messy stub for now, still sorting n planning out everything in my head lol but it's called Jim's Judgement

it centers more around jim's trauma and Issues TM and a lot of it is more vague concepts than any real gameplay ideas for the more dark story elements bc i don't want raz to have to see that and like to think after raz gets him a head start, he gets into actual professional Psychonauts therapy (and for my own silly oc/canon interaction fun, its sasha and milla assigned to help him. perhaps. maybe. they almost assigned oleander but he yelled too much and scared him away /hj) ANYWAY!!

all that being said i honestly have 0 ideas how to tone shit down for raz and im still trying to plan out the smaller in-game per se variation on it so i will simply. wait to talk about it. there's a lot of cool symbolism and motifs i prommy i swear </3 but the main "boss fight" final moment thing surrounds his whole paranoia of being a horrible person who others only tolerate + he constantly has to "make up for it" by putting everything and everyone Before him. i really wanna end it back in the small office space with jim having the key on his desk this whole time, making it literally In His Hands to get himself out. he just needed the support! he's definitely scared and slow, but he opens the door and steps out of his cubicle. the room grows a little bit. its a start

i was gonna ramble more about the darker version of the second phase but this post is already gettin Long and kinda incoherent i think so ermm. ill split it off into a second post probably if anyones interested in hearing more . i hope this all made sense lol i have too many thoughts about him to keep together honestly

[icouldhyperfixatehim]

what's your issue with the dentist? i never understand people becoming adults and still having this fear, it's like being scared of doctors

anon i'm going to take this as a good faith question and say that it's nothing personal against dentists lmao. for me it's a combo of two things:

i have complicated gnashers. my ehlers danlos effects my connective tissues, and connective tissues are found in gums, dentin (the bit under your enamel inside the tooth), and nerve structures in the face. all this to say: my teeth move in my head, and my jaw moves misaligned from my face sometimes. PAIN, anon. and as with a lot of medical types, dentists don't tend to be super educated about this. to make it more complicated my front teeth are adult teeth as they should be, but everything incisors back are still baby teeth, and have no adult teeth waiting to come in. so my wiggly teeth give me a lot of anxiety bc every wiggle or pang reminds me i've held onto these teeth way longer than i have any right to. last complication; i'm anaesthetic resistant. dentists are scary for me bc frankly, the great majority of them know less about how to handle my gob than i do, and they hold the pointy things.

the second thing is **tw dental trauma* as a child my teeth held on for dear life despite being loose for months and i always ended up having to get them pulled bc the tooth fairy has deadlines to meet. anyway one such time i got a dentist who was very old and shaky, and he pulled not only the loose tooth, but also the one next door that was not loose. it's not a good memory and every dentist's chair feels more or less the same. hence: a long lasting fear associated with all the sensory trappings (noises, lights, textures, tastes etc) of a dental office.*

I hope that very personal explanation goes some way to encourage you to consider that experiences aren't universal within an age bracket, and that people can have a lot going on under something like a common fear that you might not be able to predict or understand. some adults will be afraid of the dark, or storms, or dogs, or clowns. that doesn't make them not adults. there's no such thing as a childish fear, and even if there was, we all carry our child-selves around w us, so it all comes out in the wash.

[beaversatemygrandma]

Apparently my wisdom teeth are clamping my cheek. Like biting. All the time. They’ve gotten to the point where if i even chew food I’m gnawing on the back of my cheek the whole time. And now I’m aware that the only way to fix this is to get them removed. Which would be good bc they are SORE even without the biting.

I haven’t been paying much attention to the cheek biting bc keeping my mouth open in public is Very Covered up by a mask. So I’m not some mouth breather out there. But at home. Trying to eat. Fuck.

I’ve never had surgery before. This is needing surgery. I’m terrified. The simple Idea of having an IV in even if its to put me out during the whole thing is Sending me. The word itself gives me ghost pains. And I’ve gotten my blood drawn while on my anxiety meds and trust me here: it doesn’t work. I still panic with a 50% chance of passing tf out. THEN there’s the fear of blood and during the recovery there’s Blood. ....Tho I’ll likely be on a strong painkiller for a little bit which may help.

......fucking hell. I think i need to do this and just take then $1k hit. Aleve only does so much and I’ve lost use of the right side of my mouth. I got insurance earlier this year only to learn that dental isn’t covered unless i pay like $300 a month. And it wouldn’t even cover orthodontics. Which is what i need. Bc that’s apparently luxury modifications even tho if i keep going like this I’m going to lose my teeth by 40. Like I’ve never had a cavity or any bad things go on yet but i don’t think i can keep being lucky like that with all that crowding. It’s causing problems that i can’t just prevent on a daily basis with regular care. 

Then there’s getting an appointment, all the while internally freaking out bc it’ll be a lot of money and i have no income... and you know. Getting the appointment. Like would i have to go to a dentist first (might cost like $100 just for a checkup....) to get the directions to go to someone to take them out? Or should i just go to a place and be like “Get these things out of my head. They hurt.” and fork over $1k?

AND THEN. I was talking to the partner of sorts. And she offered that i fly down there for the visit we’ve been planning and said to make it a longer trip so they can take me to one and set up the appointment for me and take care of me afterwards. And I Love the offer. So i was like. Okay. Two weeks down in the hometown. First week to send myself into hell and then be cozily comforted and the second to do random bullshit that is catching up with people *now pain-free*. But then comes another worry. I’ve been having ear issues. Like the type that causes me to get insanely dizzy and near passing out if i go on an elevator and I’ve never been on a plane. Like that might cause problems. And here’s the thing: Wisdom teeth can cause ear issues. I didn’t have this problem before the top ones grew in (facing my cheeks mind you) and it’s possible they could be the thing causing my inner ear issues (tinnitus, that elevator thing, etc). So... There’s that doubt. And also the thing where I have my dad here and i bet he’s ready to do some typical dad thing of taking me there. Then comes that fear of him recording anything while I’m coming out of surgery and I’m going to be PISSED if that happens. He’s already the type to pull out snapchat filters out of nowhere and now I have been seen on camera by relatives which i do not want. So. That’s going to be an instant rule going in. Not to mention i have heard that story of someone coming out to their parents while coming down from anesthesia. And uh. No. Yeah. No. I already hold back so much when i hear myself referred to as she and I’m not about to have that whole thing happen while mostly under.

*sighs* i’ve got too many anxieties here and I have zero idea if its rational or not. But holy hell. This needs to happen soon.

[hagsofficial]

I also have that fear?? question, if thats okay? - was it as bad as you thought/felt it might be? I'm trying to be ~mature~ and telling myself it won't be, so I'm just curioussss.. D: I need to go so bad!

(essay ahead tw dentophobia tw dentists)

i will say it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be, or maybe i just didn’t give myself enough credit that i could handle it

my whole thing with dentists is the one i went to as a kid scared tf out of me. not because he was mean or anything idk i think it was bc he was a serious dude who got on with it and didn’t talk to me much. no beef on him personally just my kiddie brain simplified it to ‘whenever i come to this building, this scary silent man is going to cause me pain’. it just sticks with you into adulthood i guess and having only a child’s exaggerated POV to fall back on turned it into a whole ass phobia.

i’ve learned dental care has come a long way since i was a kid and dentists are generally aware that people are scared. their tools and anaesthesia are also more advanced to get shit done quicker and with as little pain as possible.

also, if you’re like me and have hated dentists since childhood, ur pain threshold is likely higher now than it was back then. i had a full descalining today and that bitch drew blood, but idk i just dealt with it. it was quick and the pain was more discomfort tbh (in a nails-on-chalkboard way, oh the scraping.) i’m dreading the fillings less bc i get anaesthetic for that. i’m not over it enough to say the thought of the extractions doesn’t make me wanna vom but ya know, step by step.

if u wanna try going defo research dentists that say specifically on their website that they deal with nervous patients bc that guarantees u will get a dentist who is nice and will talk with u on the level. i found that helped me trust my new dentist a lot.

good luck ✨