#but i saw a really angry fb post from a girl this morning about how she doesnt want people to see her island

[wri0thesley]

my friend and i were discussing diavolo playing a pure game like animal crossing and its all i can think about now AAAA

diavolo and dio would make animal crossing competitive, change my mind

[someonethatdoesexist]

THIS IS QUITE LONG

(1)

So i had this guy friend of mine....

well yeah he's close with my family, at the point that he just go to our house almost every weekends....and im just aquainted to his mom (something like that)

So I don't consider him as some kind of 'Best Friend' 'cuz we're really far far for that kind of relationship. We just know each other...

each others name

birthday

name of parents

address ( I don't know where he live but I know their ancestrals house address)

as far I can think hat's what we both know with each other because that's what we just talk about.

Sooooo....Year 2017? Yeah I think it's 2017

He's showing motive that he likes me. Well he told my mom about that but he

NEVER

told me directly that he like me.

Just like on movies a person tells the person they like

"I like you"

I never heard or read that. (We talk at messenger sometimes.)

I can say that he's bit showing some hints on me ... just like some playboys like to do. Giving hints and stuff.

So as time goes by ... some things change ..

I just realize that I have a crush on him.

I don't know why.....

well he went to our house every weekend. And every weekend im very excited.

We became closer than before. We talk even we are both in class . But one day , I just saw on Facebook that he's been talking and continuosly interacting with girls. Well it just caused my sudden sadness. He didn't talk for me for about a week and he didn't came on weekend.

After that some whatever you call that.

He just showed at my mothers work place (forgot to tell ..that's where we met..I'm just shy to tell why he's at my mothers work place...just try to guess it haha)

~He showed up just like nothing happened, he approached me just like nothing happened~

Like nothing happened

He didn't bother to explain why he didn't talked to me for about a week.

(I didn't think about it too much... thinking too much makes me hungry)

After that showing up moment he chatted to me again.

*fast forward*

◇He was drunk.

I forgot to turn off my mobile data (Well also because i'm expecting his message that night)

He just made a drunk call at 2 in the morning .. He's just talking about how he met his friends and some stuffs like he found a cute lil puppy.

So we're talking until he was home and I ended the call. (Im relieved that he went home safely)

Summer of 2018

(May 31)

We went to enjoy the last week of summer at some resort. I just feel that somethings strange about him. He keeps on looking at the screen of his phone and smiling like an idiot.

◇The next day at night I am waiting for his reply cuz I asked something.

He just went quiet..Again.. didn't reply to my message.

and suddenly I saw his post at Fb tagging some girl with a sweet quote.

That made my heart ache.

We didnt talk . I didn't met him.

I can still see some of his sweet post on Fb

He showed up again just before my birthday. He said sorry about not replying to me to my message and not talking to me.

I didn't talk too much when i'm with him even when he's trying to have a long convo with me. Its just that I still can keep with what's happening. I really want to push him away but he keeps on giving me HOPE

I made to think about the thought that I dont own him so who am I stop him from falling to another person.

Day by day he build a step on the stairs of hope leading to somewhere I really dont know And idiot me keeps on going on those steps even I dont know where he is leading me to.

I didnt stayed angry at him. So we talk again in a snap like how the girl he's keep on interacting with stopped.

He messaged me some text early in the morning. We keep on talking for hours.

He keep on hinting that he likes me but he never said that he likes me. Yeah dude the f.

November 18, 2018. That idiot guy didn't talk to me again. What the F I didn't do anything wrong. Im tired of On and Off interaction, He always keep me hanging. And again I saw his Fb that he is AGAIN posting some sweet posts to a girl.

It made me angry my heart is about to burst that time.

I deactivated my account.

Surprisingly the next day (11/19/18)

He went at my house and asked why can't he fimd my name on fb.

I told him that I deactivated it because I want to. He didn't asked me for further explanation and i'm lucky with that.

He went home after lunch because my mother told him to stay for a while so 'Me and that Guy ' can have some shit chat but WE didnt talk. We just stayed at the living room watching telivision.

I became cold when it comes to him . I easily get angry beacuse I felt that I've been betrayed.

[quaintlouise]

#thequinneffect

I spent the morning of Quinn Harper’s birthday angry.

I'd been thinking about how to make the significance of my contribution to #thequinneffect worthy of the importance of Amber in my life. That's not shade at/on (which is correct? I don’t really care, do you? Lololololol. Be Best.) anyone else's participation, it's just that Amber and I share a bond born of tremendous grief. Loneliness. Loss.

We both know that pulsing sternum when people remind us of God's plan.

Thanks, random coworker/neighbor/third cousin on FB who has an affinity for minions (???). But God's plan for this chapter of my life is so sad/hard/cruel that I haven't yet had time to reconcile with all that seeing as this death/diagnosis/devastation hit me three days ago, or three weeks or however long it takes for me to understand, or never understand, or until FMLA runs out.

We know the confusion and sadness at the disappearance of loved ones you'd never imagine would leave your side. The annoyed satisfaction when loved ones act as poorly as you would have predicted. The friends and family who stepped up beyond belief and the acquaintances who did the same and became family. We also know the loneliness that descends once you realize those loved ones need to deal with their own BS that continued or began during your crisis.

Anyway, I was angry at the world. Angry that the Ruszkowski’s have been denied the type of family that seemingly everyone else gets. Angry that my little girl will grow up without her twin. Angry that I got cancer. Angry about the heartbreaking cruelties that leave mothers with empty arms and children without the arms of their mother to hold them. Angry that instead of pinning ideas for Quinn Harper’s first birthday party, Amber is instead bravely trying to find ways to honor her daughter's sweet soul while managing her own sorrow.

I grew surlier as I walked past the windowless steel door at the OBGYN, the one they usher you out of when things go terribly wrong.  

I’m sorry to tell you I have very sad news.

The heaving sobs subside a bit when you are hit with the fresh air from a door you didn’t know existed. Best to keep the waiting area free of the weeping formerly expectant parents, I suppose.

I'm sorry to tell you that you have cancer.

We’ll need to fill you with poison...just enough not to kill you; poison with ingredients of mustard gas and platinum. Then we will take your breasts, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes and cervix. You’ll need thirty rounds of radiation on those fresh scars. This might keep you alive. There’s also a special pill you can take that will shut down all the rest of your estrogen production! This may be the hardest part of treatment. Surgical menopause at 38 is gonna f with your head. There is no way to relieve the symptoms. Antidepressants might help. Oh, I see you take some. Wow, you’re on a lot of meds. Perhaps that’s part of your problem.  

Nah. My problem right then, on Quinn's birthday? Was the gynecological nurse who read my chart, looked me dead in the eye, and said

I’m not sure what you’re here for?  

Me neither, lady. Me neither. But actualllllllly the surgeon (y’all referred me to) built a cuff (TF? Can they come up with a better word?) down there so my insides don’t fall out and this is the place you go to get that looked at?  Also, thank you for the offer of the lap gown, however, I’ll just leave my skirt on and take my panties (old maternity underwear) off. Oh? Oh yes, thank you for correcting me that it is a breast gown I’ve turned down. Fitting!  

It was an easy walk across the street to get another blood draw after a full round of bloodwork three days earlier.  

Your white count is low. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about but we need to check that again and call me this afternoon for results.

Awesome.

I asked if I was going to be one of those rare cases where the chemo causes leukemia. The neurologist deadpanned that I was funny.  

I proceeded that day to my psychiatrist and managed to overwhelm her with all my new diagnoses, calendar of appointments, and general complaints of apathy, mania, obsessions, rage, malaise, guilt, forgetfulness, indecisiveness, impulsiveness blah blah blah.

She upped the valium.

I drove around for a while. I sang sad and angry sounds at the top of my lungs in the car. I contemplated buying a pack of smokes.

I pulled into Little Flower and felt hopeful that just sitting in a pew listening to the quiet would spark something.

The door was locked. (When did they start locking church doors???)

I wept. I stood in that parking lot scattered with cars and I wept tears of just pure despair.

But then I looked up and I saw the prayer garden. Circular, with small benches surrounding a statue of Our Lady. Or maybe it was St. Therese. It doesn’t matter. Behind it was a small labyrinth with instructions to enter with an open heart, meditate while walking the labyrinth, and exit it with a peaceful thankfulness. I sat on one of the benches to try and clear my head. I figured I’d pray the rosary and then it occurred to me that it was Tuesday. Of course.

The Sorrowful Mysteries. Eyeroll. I couldn’t get glorious or joyful? Something uplifting? (See what I did there????)

I said my rosary. I was cold (wearing a skirt, remember) and weepy and feeling like I was too screwed up to get it together to honor little Q.

But something happened as I fell deeper into meditative prayer (I know, I know, who am I?).  A peace fell upon me at the fifth mystery.

Woman behold your son. Son behold your Mother.

The sun at that moment hit my face. I looked up to the sky and saw the moon as the clouds swirled.

I smiled. Took a deep breath. Because it was then that I knew.

I knew that it was in the arms of the Blessed Mother where Quinn Harper is safe and loved.  

As am I.

As is Amber.

As is my Bridget being my earthly life to end.

As are all the motherless babes and the babeless mothers.  

A droplet of rain glimmered in the brief warmth of the sun as I entered the center of the labyrinth. I felt hopeful. I turned to exit the labyrinth and saw my body cast a long shadow through a row of boxwoods in the shape of the cross. Make of that what you will.

Rather than me doing something to honor Quinn that day, she helped me. Helped me acknowledge some of my grief, helped me find solace in prayer, helped me look for other ways to find peace when the obvious path of day drinking alone at the View lost its appeal when I remembered you couldn’t smoke in bars anymore.

I blew Quinn a kiss and made it through the day.

However, I knew I wasn't done and I left my heart open looking for a way to pay it forward.  

On Saturday I received a text from an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while. The kind of friend you can not talk to for a while or months or years but is still family.

He and his husband had signed up to be foster parents and had been (long-term? permanently?) placed with two little girls, 3 and 4. Sisters.

And then I knew. I knew how to pay it forward in honor of one little girl to two others that so desperately needed it.

That night I sent a Target delivery of cabbage patch dolls, coloring books, crayons, fruit snacks, juice boxes, cereal bars, pajamas, cuddly blankets, bath toys, kiddy spoons, forks, bowls and plates, goldfish crackers, pudding packs, mini muffins, peanut butter, honey, uncrustables, raisins, bubbles, a bubble machine, bigger kid sippy cups, shampoo, tangle spray, string cheese, mandarin oranges, mac and cheese, smoothies, pull-ups, wipes, fridge magnets, Rapunzel, Cinderella, peanut butter crackers, and stickers.

I felt joy. Joy that these little girls had warm beds and a loving home. Joy that my friend had been gifted this experience. Joy that a contentedness had befallen me as I felt my contribution to #thequinneffect was complete. Joy that even though I knew all too well that contentedness is temporary, so is sorrow.

For years I've been saying "When I start my blog...". I think this is it. Post #1. Could be the first of many, could be the last. Whatever, I did it.

Thanks, Q. I owe you.

[airacuddles]

Hi!

Sharing my Covid Pregnancy Story.

To start, I always had late periods that started last 2016 when I was already too busy at work. It takes me about 2-3months before I get another menstrual cycle. I also got fatter. To which, I suspected I may already have PCOS. In my mind, I really wanted to get checked, also because Jan had already been expressing that he already wanted to have our own child.

Fast forward to Nov 13, 2019, that was my last menstrual period. When December 2019 and January 2020 came and I still had no period, I just shrugged off thinking since it was already normal to have skipped 2 months of no period. But mind you, starting January 2020, Jan has already been doing it and not pulling it out 😬🙈

Everytime I get to the 3rd month of skip, I always get the mini heart attack and buy preg tests. Before I bought preg tests, I decided I wanted to be checked already just so I know once and for all if I already got PCOS. Last February 8, 2020, I visited the clinic our family obgyne (wife of Mama Tas' cousin) together with Jan (just so he also knows whatever is going on down there), but she wasn't around. Instead, across her clinic, her husband, our family pediatrician saw me and Jan. He asked me

"Oh naa lagi ka? Nag unsa ka?".. "Magpa-check up unta kong doctora"..

"Uy buntis ka?"..

"Hehe dili, pa check up ra unta ko"..

"Ahw wala raba sya karon kay nagmeeting, balik lang nya sunod".

Sad. And sayang.

So last February 15, 2020, I bought just 1 preg test. And used it in the morning. He stayed the night before and I tested the preg test while he was there. It was negative. I gave a big sigh of relief. Joked to him about being positive, lol. And went on with the day.

Last February 29, 2020, still waiting for my period to arrive, I bought another 3 preg tests, just to be sure, as advised by Demi. Still, those 3 preg tests came out negative.

March came, the 4th month of no period. This was already the longest period skip I've had in my life and I was already so worried. I really want to get checked already if I really have PCOS, and to have it treated already. Unfortunately, because of Covid-19, Cebu was already placed under Community Quarantine. I wasn't able to get checked because public utility vehicles were already banned.

I prayed that I wouldn't have complications from this very long skip. By the middle of March, I worked out. Had diet. I wasn't eating much and I lost 2kilos in weight. I was happy. Lol. From what I heard, exercise and diet helps fight PCOS. It came to a point a already that I'm already only eating 1 meal a day for 3days. But because I was already vomiting from the lack of food intake, I thought I already had ulcer.

April came and I still wasn't having my period. This time I got so worried, I really want to get to Hi Precision to get an advise on what test to take. But from the advise of friends, luckily, there are already online doctors people can reach thru FB chat.

Before I tried to chat an obgyne online, I thought, I should buy preg tests to let the doctors know that I'm negative and I may already have PCOS. I bought 3 preg tests. That night, the thought that came to my mind was it would have been better if the preg tests come out positive than to have PCOS and the possibility of difficulty in being pregnant. So I prayed. I prayed that the preg tests came positive. I repeatedly prayed for it not being prepared of anything. I prayed for it because it was a healthier choice.

The next morning, I prayed again.

The 3 preg tests gave out 2 lines. Positive!

At first I didn't know what to react. I know I prayed for this result. But I didn't actually know what to do. I called Jan. That's when I cried. I cried because I didn't know how to say it to my parents. I cried because I wasn't actually ready if that result came out positive. I cried because of a lot of things, plans that may already put on hold or may never happen. Jan was a bit speechless at first, but then said "Maayo nuon. Maytag twins." Those words, tho a bit of a joke, comforted me knowing that he wasn't angry or sounding like wanna get away from it. He reassured that it was gonna be okay.

After the call, I immediately went to Beb's room and told her. She actually was happy. I told her I was worried on how to tell our parents. She said it was gonna be fine since my parents were already asking me since last year when I would settle down because it might already be difficult already to have kids. So voila mami and dadi, problem solved! 😅

That afternoon, I told Chenee and Claire. 😁 But then felt a bit guilty that I told them first rather than my parents. I decided to tell them the next day.

Next day, I called mami. Told her "Mami, I. Am. Pregnant." just like that. Mami's usual reaction was like a little bit disappointed. Tho she didn't say it, but I could hear it in her voice. But then daddy got the phone and told me "Ok rana ging, walay problema na". I was sooo relieved from those words coming from daddy. Like hello, daddy saying ok that I was pregnant and not yet married. I expected differently from both of them. Since daddy was ok with it, mami came to be ok with it too. Sometimes, mami gives the worst reactions tho. 🙄

After that, I told the rest of the homies.

I messaged an obgyne online. I found her at Facebook as one of the obgyne clinics near me at Talisay. She advised to have the Transvaginal Sonogram. But as I was not yet her patient, she haven't given me a prescription. When I went to Hi Precision, they didn't allow it unless I get a prescription and suggest that an obgyne or hospital should do the TVS. So I messaged another online obgyne. Thankfully she gave me a prescription thru email. I had Claire come with me to drive to South Gen Hospital.

I got the results in 30mins. And, boy, was I surprised to see on the sonogram that the baby was already formed! I was actually just expecting like a little circle or something not clear enough to make out a baby in the picture. But there it was, a baby in my tummy. A baby already 11weeks!

So this was the reason I lost appetite and lost weight. If only I had been able to see our family ogbyne last February, Jan and I might have already known.

Jan wasn't able to get across from Cebu City to Talisay City because of the strict border controls. I got so frustrated, I told him terrible things for not making an effort on crossing borders. He haven't even told his family yet. I felt so alone and I cried. I kept putting the pressure on him because I don't know his thoughts and plans. He didn't say anything much. So I thought I was being abandoned.

Also, since Cebu was under ECQ, clinics were also closed. Even obgyne clinics at hospitals were also closed. Should there be a maternity emergency, mothers are only allowed to go straight to ER. Since I am not in an emergency, thank God, I had to wait till clinics open. But I was worried I wasn't seen by an obgyne and I can't say for sure if the Folic acid I'm taking and milk are enough to get thru pregnancy.

Jan managed to get across when quarantine status was lowered from ECQ to MECQ last June 1. Clinics also opened that time. Finally, on June 4, got the prenatal checkup at Tecson Clinic with Dr. Geline Cabanganan-Tecson. I was really nervous because I didn't have any update on my baby's growth or he/she is still there. But when Doc Geline got that doppler and I finally heard ny baby's heartbeat, I almost cried out. I was so happy the baby's thriving even without proper vitamins before.

Then, I finally got the proper prescribed vitamins and given prescription to do a package lab tests for blood tests, urine, glucose, etc. When the results came, everything was fine except for urine. The test result came out me having Urinary Tract Infection. I was shocked. I haven't even felt any pain in urinating. When I told mommy about it, she told me everytime she was pregnant, she has UTI too. When she was pregnant with me, she was even hospitalized because of the pain in urinating. Wew. The doctor gave me medicine to be taken twice a day for 7days. Then I had to take the Urine test again. Thankfully, after the 2nd urine test, the result was already good.

Chenee and clara wanted to have gender reveal party. I didn't really want one. I mean, for me, the gender of the baby wasn't a really big achievement tho. Like, okay, the baby is a boy or a girl. What are the other people gonna do about that information tho? Haha ya get me? Gender reveals are just a waste of effort and money. Pregnancy reveals are more emotional and wonderful, right? Right.

I secretly didn't tell them I was already getting the gender ultrasound. I just posted a blue heart on my IG story. But Chenee got it right away 😅

Fast forward, everything was doing good. My appetite went back on my 2nd trimester. The food was great again. I had to take caution on my food intake because I was already gaining weight fast 😅

Everything was fine. Baby's body is already in position for birth. UTI was gone. All we're waiting for already was the BIG DAY 😍

[szopenhauer]

What is the reason you last got a new cell phone? because I needed phone with internet connection 

Are you more masculine or feminine? dunno, smth in between?

Which name have you kissed the most people with? I only kissed one person in my entire life

Do you enjoy All You Can Eat buffets? yes

Have you ever seen the band/artist you’re listening to live? I didn’t attend any Momomoyouth concerts

Last thing you printed off a computer? short story that I’ve written

Last thing you threw in the garbage? not sure what was last

Last black person you hugged? I saw few black people but never even had a chance to talk to them

Is life hard? for me it is, I know some people have it worse but still

Who does the song you’re listening to remind you of? nothing, I just enjoy it

Have you ever had anything pierced that isn’t anymore? never had anything pierced ever

Would you consider yourself “tough”? it’s complicated 

Headphones or earbuds? headphones

Do you support freedom of speech? I think some stuff should be censored like bullying

Are you ever told you are too opinionated? maybe 

Do you hold grudges for long? sometimes

What’s in your garden/backyard? you mean plants or other stuff like furniture or decor?

Do you own a purple pillow? nope

Do you have a brown blanket? nah

Do you think diamonds, stars or hearts are prettier? stars

Have you ever overflown a bath? noooo

Do you appreciate brutal honesty? not brutal but I appreciate honesty in general most of the time

When was the last time you ate meat? yesterday

Have your parents met your gf/exes? they met my current gf and my ex S.

How about your gf’s parents? Met them? I met my current gf’s parents 

Do you feel uncomfortable easily? kinda

Do you know how to say I love you in at least 4 languages? yup

What age will you be when you times your current age by two? 56

Do you find the sound of a cats purr relaxing? hmm...

Are you in a simple or complex mood? complex

Do you know your Mum’s first pets name? I need to ask my mom’s guinea pigs’ name :o

*she doesn’t remember

Do you like car racing? playing car racing games, don’t like to brag but I’m very good at it actually 

What is your closest uncle/aunt called? to me it’s my aunt Alicja (Alice)

Do you wear underwear to bed? when I have my period to have extra protection

Do you get angry, depressed or nervous more? all at once

What is something obvious about you that everyone notices? that I’m short 

Would you ever get a heart tattoo or your back? what for?

Do you like Sapphires? I don’t

What about you do you think your friends dislike? ask them

Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) I don’t want any and would allow but no sex! at least use protection or birth control

What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for? amount of illnesses for example

How often do you wash your car? I don’t have a car

Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? fb messanger

Do you find it easy to put yourself in somebody else’s shoes? I believe

Have you ever kissed a smoker? I have not

If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money? my parents wouldn’t have to ask :)

What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace? crazy is that one of the coworkers actually disappeared - he left his stuff and didn’t took the money for the job - he was never found 

Have you ever disliked a book so much that you didn’t finish it? many times

Do you think tomorrow will be a better day than today? hope so

A word that describes you, starting with the last letter of your last name?: asexual

What is the age difference between the last two people you kissed romantically?: -

How many hours have you worked this month?: zero

How did you or whoever come up with the name(s) for your pet(s): he was fattest among his siblings as a puppy and used to eat a lot later too, he even ate roof of his house lmfao

Last time you washed your hair?: Monday’s night

What is your weight?: about 40 kg, I didn’t check recently

Last article of clothing you purchased?: dad bought a hoode NOT INTERESTED for me in second hand because I cold so cold yesterday but I worry I still got a flu :(

Last electronic you purchased?: powerbank from what I remember

What is your blood type?: no idea

Who did you last walk a dog with?: my dad, we always go together for walks because it’s quite dangerous to wander alone around the forest

Ride bikes with?: same

For what reason did you last high five someone?: I virtually high fives my gf because we agreed on smth

Are you emotional? I’m more analytical/logical/overthinker but I still am very emotional Have you ever cut/burned yourself intentionally? ... Have you ever noticed the hidden adult jokes inside of kid shows/movies? in Shrek, the one about penis

Do you sin often? only God knows What do you think happens after you die? we have a funeral :P Are you afraid to die? I’m afraid of looking stupid and people laughing, being a burden, others trying to save me (or me trying to save myself of course) and failing, someone stealing my stuff while I’m unconscious, suffering for a long time, waking up in a casket, going to hell etc. If you had the chance, would you want to know the date of your death? YES Have you ever felt that you weren’t good enough? I’m not enough and yet too much if you know what I mean Are you jealous of your siblings? I am, she’s lucky, normal

Are you always wanting more? I want more than I have but not as much as people usually want - I want health and enough money to not just barely survive but I don’t dream about career, kids, big house, fame, talents, travelling, beauty, long life etc. Do you make good first impressions? pfft Do you consider yourself guarded?  it seems Do you like animals? majority but still wouldn’t want to own them 

Do you think doctors prescribe medicine too often? absolutely, too many meds are causing more problems than help and the fact lots of them are sold without prescription makes me angry and sad Do you enjoy getting drunk, or do you feel like you’re losing all control? I don’t drink because I don’t like the taste/smell and the consequences - losing control is one of them but also hangover and puking for examples Do you think the internet is dangerous? almost everything can be

Who do you think has the most pressure to be good-looking; guys or girls? women are pressured more to be attractive Do you care what impression you make on people? not much Honestly, do you say racist things? nah Do your parents put way too much pressure on you? not really Do you think people overreact when their pets die? not usually

Has anyone ever told you they needed space? that’s what I say!

Do you actually think there will be a zombie apocalypse? smth similar 

Do you get offended really easily? I’m pretty sensitive

Have you ever punched a wall out of complete anger? not wall, furniture

Ever been turned down in a really mean way? in my opinion that was hurtful

Are you ticklish? I am and hate that about me

Do you currently have a pair of UGG boots? I use them as slippers during winter :3

When was the last time you had a stomach ache? morning

Have you ever been to a circus? at least once <3

Does drama seem to follow you everywhere you go? I live in a drama movie Do you ever regret giving your number to people? regretted Have you ever been told that you’re afraid of your own shadow? fuck you! Have you ever tried Gouda cheese? obvi Do you still watch South Park? I never did You’re babysitting, what do you expect per hour for pay? been doing it for free :( What’s the last thing you returned at a store? tried to return computer and even tho it was on guarantee they didn’t fix it, it didn’t work from the start and it’s only getting worse >.< Do you still look at clouds and make shapes of them? it’s so much fun! :D If you had to dye your hair for one year, what color would you pick? green What’s your television addiction? non existent Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? 4 hours of root canal without anesthesia Do you make your own jewelry or clothing? tried but I’m bad at it Do you use drawing to describe what you’re feeling? preffered collages  Do you give everything you do 100%? I half ass majority of the things I do

If you could transform into any kind of animal, what animal would you be? raccoon? XD  actually a bird I guess One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? somewhere I could fall down like from the roof or into a deep hole and where are sharp objects etc. Are you claustrophobic? just my head is, I’m scared to be stuck in smth with my head, I know it’s strange If you could be reincarnated, would you come back as another human or an animal? If an animal, what kind? I just want a good life... but never come back would be a better option - no more death  Easiest way to scare you? jump scares What was your last nightmare about? personal

Do you own any knee-high boots? no longer Have you ever kissed a dog on the mouth? disgusting!

How many squares of toilet paper do you use at a time? 2-3 Have you ever had acupuncture done to you? heard you can get ill outta that Do you play hopscotch? played a bit as a child Are you jealous of beautiful people? rarely  Are you foolish and naive? I try my best not to be yet end up being fooled at times anyway Do you play with the food on your plate? my mom does and that annoys me When you were born was the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck? luckily not Have you ever taken a mud bath? no thx Do you have nude photos of yourself posted on the internet? I didn’t even really took any to begin with Are you considered “normal”?

Do you want to skydive? nah Have you ever been told that you talk too much? and not enough, you can’t please anyone

What’s the latest youtube channel you’ve discovered and binge-watched?   https://www.youtube.com/c/naomijon/videos

Do you think your hair looks better long or short? it’s ugly 

Do you look best with or without bangs?   I prefer no bangs

Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? I like filters sometimes but not editing

Which season do you wish would last longer?   summer

Haw many outdoor birthday parties have you had?   none, sadly, my birthday is during winter so I can’t 

How much taller or shorter are you than your mom?   like 10 cm taller even tho I’m so tiny

Do you have neat handwriting? r u kidding?...

Would you rather hike a mountain or dive into the sea?   hike

Which Barbie doll was your favorite? that one I slept with and broke her neck but I loved my Ken as much (and broke his legs but my dad fixed him) - that’s unusual as those are the only toys I actually ever broke (not counting my fav stuffed animal that lost it’s head but my mom sewed it back) and not because I didn’t care for them like some kids but because I loved them 

Do you prefer cheetah or zebra print, polka dots, paisleys, plaid, stripes or stars? animal prints are ok at times, paisley and some kinds of plaid too but I love stripes and stars and hate polka dots 

Do you like your natural hair color? whatever

Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid?   later in life I wanted to become an actress 

Have you ever been to a gynecologist? several times and I regret that

Do you use the Bitmoji app on your phone? used to

Do you get on facebook every day? yep

Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member?   not that I want to have kids but yes

List three names that sound similar to your name.   apparently Zosia is similar to Zuzia but also Anna as it’s part of Zuzanna

What were you almost named?   Lilia (Lily)

What does your name mean? same hahaha

Do you have any symptoms of COVID-19 right now? luckily not

Have you made your own mask to help prevent the spread of the virus?   my mom is making those

Do you ever wish you had someone to hug?   I have someone to hug

[saintkimora]

well i finally found time to type this all up so! here is the story of how last last friday and saturday night went (not the ones from this weekend but the weekend before so like a week and a half ago). it isnt really a nice story but it is significant. first part is tristan then joel then tristan again, the tristan parts are good but the joel part is pretty bad. this is only part 1 btw! sorry @ that one anon a few days ago bc this might make you even more mad lmao

first part: tristan! so on friday i was in the library holding an online eboard meeting for gsa and tristan (the first guy i talked to for a while then hooked up with like 2 years ago and last christmas eve) was apparently studying in nexus which is the building next door to the library. and he sent me a snap (it was clearly the type you send to a lot of people it wasnt like an individual one) of him captioned i hate studying so i sent him one saying i hate planning events bc thats what i was doing. so we snapped back and forth for a while and then the library closed so i was leaving and he was like “come say hi to me in nexus” so i was like ok! 

so i went and sat across the table from him and we talked for like an hour and a half and it was so nice! hes v good to talk to but our conversation dynamic was kinda similar to me and joel’s dynamic so that was interesting. he called me my voice cute at the beginning bc i was like “sorry if i sound weird im a little congested today” and he was like “no you sound like you always do, its cute” so i was like hm so then we talked and caught up and it was very good conversation! then at one point after asking how i was in general he was like “so how are you doing....romantically” and i told him how i was with someone rn but i was kinda having some issues and he was like oh ok and i asked him and he said hes looking but its hard bc people keep ghosting him so i was like aw :/ (but on the inside i was like well thats what you get for ghosting me all those years ago lmao) 

also at one point i told him i go to the gym now so i have a little bit of muscle and he was like “yeah haha sure” and i was NOT about to take that so i was like “i can show you right now if you want” (i was wearing a tank and a zip up hoodie) so i took off one hoodie sleeve revealing my arm and i flexed and he was shook he was like “oh wow you werent kidding, thats actual progress” and i was like ha

after an hour and a half he had to go meet his friends or something so i went home. overall it was super nice! i loved talking to him so later that night i just sent him a nice text thanking him for spending time w me and saying how much i enjoyed it and then he thanked me for keeping him company and said he really enjoyed catching up so that was nice! then later that night things took a turn for the worst.....

so at this point it was friday night and joel and i were texting as usual, we were having a nice convo and were making jokes and what not. then after i asked about his day he texted me this “its fine but i just got another fucking email from slut A and im over it” and i was like “slut A......” and he was like “fucking tinamarie” (the girl who always causes trouble for his theatre club that gets him really pissed off even though it really isnt that serious) and i was like “yeah i figured but did you really need to call her that” and he was like “if youre literally gonna criticize every single word i say then im just gonna stop talking” so then i apologized like 3 times but he left me on read and didnt talk to me for the rest of the night

so! the second i read that final text i had like......a panic attack? or something? idk but it was a mess i got soooooooo cold instantly like i put on sweats socks a hoodie and 2 blankets and i was still trembling and my teeth were chattering so hard i couldnt even talk bc it just came out as gibberish and my toes were numb and my heart was beating fast and you know all that good stuff. i texted several hunties but none of them answered so i decided to text tristan! he was v nice and he comforted me and talked me through it which i appreciated. but like getting that text reminded me so much of the texts i would get from caleb so it just made all those feelings come rushing back and it was v overwhelming but i wasnt about to call joel about it bc he was already mad at me and i was scared i was gonna make it worse

about an hour later i sent him a long text saying how sorry i was bc he wanted to vent to me and i shut him down when i shouldve just taken his side and stuff bc i wanted to try to fix the situation. half of it was lies though like i was not sorry for what i did at all bc he should not be calling this tinamarie girl that! he didnt read that text until the next morning but even after he didnt respond. he was def still awake when i sent it though bc i saw him active on fb messenger slightly afterwards. anyways the next day tristan texted me again to check on me and see if i heard from joel which i hadnt by that point but i really appreciated that he went through the effort of doing that! joel and i had plans to go to the mall that day so i texted him around 4pm (this is saturday now) saying i hope his auditions went well and asking if he wouldve still liked to go to the mall w me. he said he wasnt feeling up for it bc hes tired and i was like not up for the mall or not up for me and he was like just the mall, you can come over instead. so i went over and brought him popeyes bc he was hungry and we hung out and watched dragula and talked and it was like a completely normal day so i was a little surprised he didnt bring up the events of last night. so like 3 eps into dragula s1 i asked him if he could pause it so we could talk so he did and this is where things got worse

so i was like “so....how are you feeling about what happened last night?” and he was like “well it was fucking annoying because i wanted to vent to you and you tried to school me, im already socially conscious, i know its wrong but it was the first thing that came to mind at the time” and i was like “well if you are mad at a woman and your first instinct is to call her that then that might be a problem” and he was like “can i be a fucking human?” like ???????????????? the STUPIDEST excuse like that makes no sense! you can be human without saying misogynistic things like.....annoying. he just had soooo many excuses he was like “oh its ok bc i would never actually say that to her face” like...ok great to know that being socially conscious is just a performative thing for you! if you only do it in public but are still problematic in private then like...whats the point

he was also like “it may seem like a small issue that isnt important to you but her emails are actually a huge problem. YOU wouldnt know since your organization isnt as involved, but her actions affect every area of the organization so its stressful to deal with her” like heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeee we go again idk why he always tries to drag my gsa for no reason. i didnt even say he couldnt be stressed or angry with her i just said he shouldnt call her what he did! 

so now for when it got personal. so i told him i was like “i know you were mad and wanted to cool off so i wasnt gonna force you to talk to me, but it wouldve been nice if you just sent me a text like ‘oh perry im mad and dont wanna talk rn, i need some space ill talk to you later’ instead of just ignoring me for the rest of the night” and he was like “well i didnt have time i had too much going on with the organization” and i was like “i mean it takes 10 seconds to send a text” and he was like “well i didnt want to” OH so now the truth comes out! and then he was like “i was already stressed out with the email so then its like ‘oh now i have to deal with perry too’” and like..............that was really hurtful bc literally the main reason i rarely ever bring up any issues i have to him is bc hes already so stressed with everything else and i want to be a source of happiness in his life not another source of stress so im afraid to bring things up bc i dont want to add to his stress and be another thing that he has to “deal with” so like, he literally vocalized the exact reason im afraid to talk to him about these things so its just confirmed my suspicions and now i feel even worse about bringing up any issues i have with him 

i didnt tell him about the panic attack yet but i did say “well i mean im sure you can tell i was upset, since i sent you a long ass apology text an hour after the convo ended. and if it was the other way around and i knew you were upset about something i said i wouldve dropped everything and called you right away to fix the issue” and he said.............. “well im not gonna prioritize you” like.... !!!!!!!!!!!!! ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great! we already knew i was at the bottom of his priority list but at least now he basically admitted it :/ i was just like well ok

that is the end of part 1 bc im splitting up this post lol

[suzyqrara]

12/29/2019

I was awakened this morning because I thought about an old friend I had and my connection with her family. I used to be friends with a girl named Brittany.  We were the best of the best friends throughout my entire public school life and even up to Kean University days.  I would go to her family's house every thanksgiving. Her grandparents to this day still send me a Christmas Card with a $25 check and a McDonald's gift card.  I was cleaning out my drawer last summer and I keep their address in it but I threw it out when I was cleaning it out because I thought to myself, there is no way they are going to continue to give me a check every Christmas.  Because I and Brittany completely stopped talking to each other 4 years ago. But they sent me one again this year.  They also wrote they would like a picture of Mason as he is now which touched me because they still think about me. Its 4:30AM I went to the bathroom and started thinking that I need to contact Brittany and Mrs. Nancy again because one day her grandparents will pass, and I am sure I will be invited to their funerals.  I will have to see Brittany again and Mrs. Nancy. I knew Mrs. Nancy through Brittany’s family and she helped me out a lot when I was dealing with Marvin shit.  But I stopped talking to her because I wasn’t enjoying my time when I was with her.  She was very mean from what I remember. But She also lost her husband. She met Mason one time and I felt like she was so annoyed by him.  I made plans to meet with her 2 years ago, but I canceled because I didn’t want to go and be in a negative atmosphere.  I remember one time she called me dumb because I had some grammatical errors in my resume and cover letter for my undergraduate internship. Then I realized I haven’t seen Mrs. Nancy’s posts in a while, so I wanted to make sure she was ok.  She is.  Then I wanted to see if she has been active in liking pictures, so I looked at Brittany’s Facebook page and she hasn’t been active in liking pictures.  I looked through Brittany’s page and I thought about if it would be worth the rejection feeling to message her.  Say sorry to her.  The last time I hung out with her we went to a pumpkin patch farm. From what I remember she babysat Mason and I watched Jairus when she went on a date.  At the end of our relationship I remember having a hard time coming up with things to talk to her about.  Even at the pumpkin patch, I think it was awkward between us. We made plans to see the lights near her gma’s house.  The initial plan was to go in the same car and watch the lights in the same car. Then she changed it last minute and added her friend which made us now take 2 cars instead of one.  I remember feeling like she added a friend because she didn’t want to be in the car with me since we have been very awkward towards one another.  I got really upset.  It was the cherry on top of her canceling on hanging out with me.  I told her I’m over being rejected all the time and I told her to have a nice life. I remember when we were driving to the pumpkin patch farm, she asked me about Haydee and at that point we were not talking.  I was explaining to her why we stopped and I told her my last words to her was, “Have a nice life” I told her when I say that it means I am over our friendship.  I remember thinking to myself Brittany took note of this, so I need to make sure I don’t say it to her.  But I remember feeling so angry that she changed plans and even though I knew if I said it there is a chance, she will completely not talk to me anymore since she knows I am breaking up with her completely.  I took the chance and I said it because I felt it.  I 100% felt like I was over the awkwardness and I was over being the second choice.  I said it and Brittany left me alone.  After a few months, I saw that she posted on her FB her job branch was hiring and I wanted to see if she still would consider talking to me so I messaged her saying that I lost my job and in if I can get the info to that posting.  After stalking her tonight, I saw She never looked at the message. I also messaged her via phone and told her that I am sorry if I made her feel bad and I want to be friends with her.  She never replied back.  She could have ignored me because she was mad.  But it was rude that she continued to ignore me for the next 3 years even though I wrote that.  I decided I will reach out to her and explain to her why I said what I said and ask if can see each other.  We were good friends.  I am nervous since I am in a funk and I am not the personality I was when I was younger, she will find me boring or what if we have nothing to talk about.  Worse what if she completely rejects me and tells me she is not interested in reconnecting. I mean if that’s the case it is what it is.  I was missing our old friendship, but I hated our adult friendship.  We couldn’t keep a conversation.  I’ve stalked her a few times without the thought of messaging her. I stalked to just see how her life was. But since her grandparents are still connecting with me.  I will be invited to their funerals when the time comes…and I will have to deal with seeing Brittany again…it will be so uncomfortable.  TBH I wouldn’t care to reconnect if her grandparents weren’t keeping in contact with me.  I am content. I feel like we are living 2 different lives.  She is a completely different person then the person I was friends with.  I am a completely different person.  I’m a bit boring.  I don’t think the reconnection will last.  But at least I initiated so when it comes down to going to the funeral, I did my part and she will feel uncomfortable not me.  I decided I will also reach out to Mrs. Nancy and apologize for canceling and never making up a new date.

[messagestoyou1]

MP

I checked IG this morning, scrolling thru my followers feed, when I saw your name. EVERY time I see your name I stop to see what you’ve liked. Looking at the quotes or the girls, always being nosey, always lurking. I don’t know why I was always so intrigued, because deep down I knew it was bound to happen. I saw a pic you liked today, it was a girl and a guy. The girl was dressed up and she looked so happy. And the guy, well the guy was you. My heart instantly jumped into my throat. I froze, I was emerged in so many emotions; anger, sadness, jealousy, envy, disappointment, etc. I wanted so badly to cry, and to punch something and to go to you and scream at you but I couldn’t do any of it. I was frozen, and to be honest I dont think i had any tears left for you.

Her caption was a MCM caption, saying how happy you made her feel all the time. I stared at that picture and the caption for minutes, which felt like forever. I had so many questions… but the question I wanted to ask you the most, was “Why her?”. Why were you giving her everything I wanted from you? Why not me? You both were so well dressed, like you attended a wedding or a special event together. I was so envious. I don’t know anything about this girl, or what you two have going on, but that picture spoke a thousand words to me. As long as I’ve known you, I wished for a picture like that.

I can remember when I first started talking to you and how you were my safety. I wasn’t super interested in you but I was still trying to get over my ex and you were  so nice and you were there, so I figured lets give him a shot. The first night we hung out you were awesome. Had me laughing all night and the conversation never dulled. It was exactly what I needed. We talked everyday after that, from morning to night. You weren’t the only guy I was talking to but you were the most important.

We went on talking and hanging out for a while. You came to the movies with my siblings and I which was so fun. But you slowly started to fade from me. Hanging out to hook up was never a problem, but god forbid I ask you to go out with me and my friends or do anything else, you were always “busy”. I came to a realization that I was so sick of talking to boys and having almost relationships… Spending all this time together but not having commitment. I was over it. So I cut all these guys off.. and I sent you the text pouring my heart out, asking you to give me your all or go. And you did what I feared the most. You left. Although I was so upset, I was happy how we left it. You were so kind about it, explaining to me that I deserved the world but you weren’t it because you were still getting over heart break yourself. And although I thought that was a pussy answer, I respected the shit out of it. So there we went, on our own separate ways.

At first it was hard for me, going from talking everyday to not talking at all but it was for the best. A few weeks passed and things were going great. I was advancing in my goal to be a cop and I was focused all on myself. That is until you texted me hoping all was well. I hated that text. I didn’t even want to reply, but deep down I was excited because I missed you, so of course I replied. We talked and expressed how we missed each other so we went back to hanging out. This time the plan was strictly dickly. We realized we weren’t at the right time to date, but theres never a wrong time to bone… right?

But that idea quickly came to a close. I was a fool for thinking we could hangout again, and I wouldn’t catch feelings because my god they came rushing back. We didn’t just fuck, we had passionate sex and then we would lay in bed for hours in the middle of the night and talk and laugh and fool around. I was so happy those nights. We shared stories and made fun of each other and wrestled and I loved every second of it. We’d snuggle all night while we slept and your arms were my favorite place to be. I was so infatuated with you. But I never told you because I never wanted to cross that line again. There was this one night, that I remember so well. I came over late, and you met me in the kitchen, and we made out and began having unreal sex all over your house. By the time we got to your desk I started to not feel so good. We moved over to the wall and as I went to stand up I got so light headed. You noticed something wasn’t right so you asked me if I was ok… you rushed me over to the couch and told me to sit down. You got me a drink and sat on the couch next to me and pulled me into your chest and held me tight. You kissed my head and rubbed my arm and played with my hair. You were so caring and thoughtful. I remember how happy that made me, and how much I loved the little things you did for me. I think that was my favorite night with you.

Your life turned to shit quickly after though and you lost your job. You became a person I resented. You were so angry and in such a dark place all the time. My life was going so good, and you only cared about yourself. You were so selfish. That morning you told me that you had more important things to do than listen to me talk was it for me. I was so mad. I got up and left because I was lying in bed with a person I didn’t know anymore, you weren’t the person I fell for. So I sent you that text, telling you never to talk to me again. And all you said was OK. And I laughed.  I knew you were in a rough spot but everytime I tried to be there for you you shut me out. I was over it.

A month went by and I thought I was over you. You were just a memory. I finally landed my cop job and I was so so excited. It was the Nicole show for the first time in a long time and I loved it. I went on FB one day and saw that I had a message request. I looked and it was from you and my heart started beating a mile a minute. The message was a week old and I couldn’t help but smile. It was just your apology for being a dick to me. And once again it was such a respectful message. You didn’t want anything, you just simply told me you were happy for me and that you had gotten a new job and were also in a better place. I just had to message you back. You have always been my weakness. We agreed on meeting up but not for sex. Just for lunch and to catch up, even though you never made me lunch. lol. We talked, and joked, and wrestled in your driveway, and I couldn’t help but stare into your eyes and remember everything that made me like you. All the negative things you had done to me, slowly faded away, I was so infatuated with you all over again. I wanted to go inside and make love to you with every inch of my body, but I refrained and I left with a simple hug and kiss from you. I smiled the whole way home. You were back, and I was so happy to see you doing good.

It wasn’t long before we started sleeping together again. Shocker, right. It was going good, until it wasn’t. Until we started simply seeing each other in the middle of the night. You would text me so late, inviting me over and I would go everytime. I remember so many times on my way to your house I would rehearse this long speech to tell you about how I was going to stick up for myself and not let you treat me like such a booty call but everytime I laid in your bed or looked at your face I couldn’t. Everything just went away when I was in your arms. But things weren’t the same anymore, we started talking less and less. Even when we were together we barely talked. The last night I saw you, was so hard for me. I got there late, and laid in your bed, you were sleeping but quickly woke up. You snuggled up behind me and things escalated quickly. The sex we had wasn’t passionate. It was rough and hateful. I almost hated it. When we finished, you laid back down and pulled me into you. I laid my head on your chest, and you fell asleep. I was looking out your window at the moon, when I thought about us. About how everything had changed. We just boned, but never spoke to each other. Not a single word was exchanged. I reminisced on all the times we would lay in bed post sex and talk for hours, and I just started crying. With my face still pressed against your chest I bawled my eyes out for so long, and you never even knew. We woke up, boned again, I got dressed told you to have fun and we went on our way. I knew at that moment we were done. And even if we were to hang again, shit wasn’t the same anymore. Something in you shut me out, and I don’t know why, or what went wrong but you had no emotion towards me anymore.

You were my weakness, you controlled me. I was always waiting for that day that you’d come to me and tell me you were ready. Ready to give me everything I wanted but it never came. And today, that realization finally hit. When I saw that picture of you and that girl I felt like I was hit by a train. It really is over. Our lovely toxic ride is over, and I don’t know how to feel about it. I should feel relieved but I cant help but be a little sad. You were so much to me and nothing to me so quickly. I guess ill never know your side of the story, or if I romanticized our relationship too much in my head… all I know is you’ve moved on. And you seem happy and I guess that’s all that matters.

 As much as I hate how cowardly you were with me, I hope you treat this new girl right. I hope you give her your all and love every bit of her. I hope you bring her around your family, and out with your friends because she deserves that. She deserves to be a priority in your life. She deserves everything you never gave me.

Best regards,

Nicole