#but i'm still not mentally well

[alex-the-bringer-of-chaos]

Gosh the new messy state (always been complicated, the motive is just different) that my relationship with my parents has entered a few months ago has finally decided to combine with the patterns of behavior and paranoia that became the pattern of thought and behavior from my childhood and teenage hood, and now I've been stuck for over a month in the same old cycle of self sabotage with the added factor of anxiety and fear that makes me terrified of taking an action and fucking things up.

And like, who am I gonna tell this shit? This happens all the time, the motives just change. So really, whose even gonna want to hear me talk about the same old shit of how I feel frozen and terrified of acting the wrong way, just because the motive is different. People have it worse and still can act, but no, Alex is always getting stuck in their head, he's always terrified of fucking it up on accident so she goes and fucks it up on purpose or does nothing in an attempt of making people leave. Cause that's what they deserve. Fucking hell I was a kid when I made one stupid decision towards myself and this is the outcome. What the fuck man?!?