#but if you start getting defensive about misgendering people you're getting blocked

[kittythelitter]

Recently Ive been thinking a lot about how often coming out as trans to someone who knew you before you came out becomes them preemptively getting defensive about the fact that they might misgender you.

And often when I voice this complaint to my cis friends, even ones who are really good about learning people's names and pronouns and like staunch allies it becomes about reassuring them that it's okay to get people's names and pronouns wrong sometimes. And it's like.

Sometimes you get it wrong. That's fair. But when you get it wrong all the time consistently and get defensive when you're being corrected that's a problem. When you don't apologize and don't try to change it's a problem. When you do apologize but make it all about you and how this is hard for you it's a problem.

There was i think a Tumblr post that compared it to stepping on someone's toes which I think is a pretty good comparison. Doing it by mistake happens you apologize and move on. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal. If someone says ow you stepped on my foot you don't need to say well you were standing near me and i have big feet you should really just say sorry and move on. But if you do it on purpose you're an asshole and the more people do it to a person the more it hurts and if you keep doing it over and over to the same person all the time you need to change what you're doing because you're hurting them. Consistently. And it's getting worse the more you do it. And the fact that you're not putting in the effort it takes to not step on their toes kind of says a lot about how much you respect that person and their boundaries. That being said if there's a real reason you keep doing it that's out of your control like my uncle who has memory problems or someone with some disability that makes motor control it's fine but when other people constantly apologize for them or make a big deal when they do it it's annoying.

The one thing i don't like about this comparison is often when you step on someone's feet it's because of some kind of special situation like dancing or sharing a small space or something or it's partially their fault which is to say the person whose toes are getting stepped on can often opt out of the situation that gets them stepped on, and/or it is partially their fault for being in the way. Trans people are not in the way. And opting out of situations where we get misgendered is at best considered rude or antisocial and at worst impossible. I can't opt out of existing in the world. I have to interact other humans who will sometimes misgender me. That is a fact of my life.

And i don't need relatives and friend's parents or my parents' friends responding to me saying my name and pronouns with "don't get mad when I get it wrong I'm old and I've known you a long time". Maybe from now on i should respond "okay but don't get mad when i correct you, because you won't learn if i don't point it out when you get it wrong" but that would probably be viewed as confrontational.

Which brings me to my solution. This is also something from an ancient Tumblr post but here's what any cis people (and trans people too if you're reading this) can do.

1) don't get defensive about your in/ability to learn names and pronouns.

2) if you misgender someone apologize and move on but also make a mental note to

3) if someone has a new name/pronoun or you meet someone who's name/pronoun you're struggling with practice it.

On your own out loud or with a close friend who is not that person. Come up with 5 to 10 sentences about that person using their name/pronoun. I like to do this in the shower or while doing the dishes and i introduce them like a contestant on a dating show.

This is Dylan! They're 24 years old and they're from Massachusetts. Dylan has a pet cat who is their favorite thing to post pictures of on social media. They like reading fanfiction about found families. They play lots of resource and farming based video games. Their favorite part of breath of the wild was cooking. I really care about them so I'm going to take the time to make sure i get their pronouns right.

4) if you see someone misgendering someone correct them

5) if someone is getting defensive about struggling remind them that the trans person isn't a burden and that mistakes happen but they can still be hurtful and we all need to take responsibility when we hurt someone

6) if someone is struggling a lot consistently tell them to practice, or even practice with them.

In the end it's a habit we can make and a habit we can remake, but it takes effort. Honestly not that much. The more you struggle with someone the more you should practice but it's just. Getting used to talking about that person, even in silly ways, even just to yourself, using the right language.

A lot of people put more effort into apologizing or explaining or getting defensive than it would take to just practice it.

[whatinthetomfuckery]

i was going to comment but i know i have a lot to say, and when to politely make my own post

i've seen posts about how much hating men is talked about in sapphic spaces. and while that's true and a problem, it bothers me when it's followed by "that doesn't happen in gay spaces", bc that's not true, at least in my experience, it just looks different.

i'm a trans man who is trying to be out and fit into traditionally male gay communities, (older men in the case of the leather community but it's not just them) i get comments from gay men all the time. i get pulled aside, i get side comments about icky girl parts and it kinda all boils down to "you're not really like us and understand why i'm not attracted to you and never will be bc you're trans so you get it wink wink nudge nudge tee hee vaginas are so nasty but i'd let you peg me haha but I would never touch you grossss cooties"

(women in and around these communities also get comments like this said to them or about them, as well as lots of generalizations about women but i'm drawing from my own experiences here)

i can either argue or i can not cause a scene. they're testing their beliefs. but they're also alienating me with or without knowing it. i get "trans people are so aggressive/defensive" about being misgendered or highly offensive comments about my body bc i try to be polite. i'm expected to be an ambassador but not to get upset.

i'll say "yeah, i get upset too" and start a dialogue when i can, bc sometimes they try and the communities i'm entering have a reputation for transphobia that proceeds them.

but sometimes i just want to sing showtunes in a bar with my boyfriend, and hang out with gay people.

my point is that i'm exhausted. why do i need to make myself smaller? answer to questions and assumptions about my dysphoria or plans for my body? (i would say or lack thereof but the expectation is that i hate and intend to change everything about myself and why wouldn't i?)

why do I need to reject everything remotely associated with femininity to be real?

for the record while i would love to, i don't really flirt with men in these spaces because of this. i expect nothing, i don't impose or join in the rampant flirting and i still get all of this. even in kink spaces! which is a whole other topic.

anyway I love them but a lot of our communities have a lot of gendered bullshit to unpack and it falls on trans people more often than not. i know for a fact my trans sisters have lots to say about how the "ew men" mentality in sapphic spaces affects them. it affected me when i thought i was cis and bi, i can't imagine it's better.

if you're a terf just do us both a favor and block me

[dragynkeep]

you’re 25 full years old screaming at a minor and you’re having a meltdown because someone assumed you were a girl because of the way you type like please stop being crazy

People who choose to hide behind "Anonymous" don't get to claim "you're attacking me because of this aspect of my identity." Nameless gray circles with sunglasses don't have an identity. There is no possible way that ais (or Luke for that matter) could have know that you're supposedly "a minor." You deliberately withheld that information from them when you decided to attack them on Anon, and the only reason you're pulling that card now is because you're desperately trying to pretend that they're just as bad as you are. You misgendered them and got called out for it, so now you're trying to pretend that they're "attacking uwu minors" (conveniently leaving out that one of you is SENDING THE ASKS and the other one is only ANSWERING THEM, so anybody with so much as half a braincell can tell that you're the one attacking and harassing them) so that you can feel better about your misogynistic transphobic ass.

However, you CLEARLY had read Ironpines' pinned post, if you're making claims about their age, so don't think you can hide behind "yOu tYpE LiKe A giRl" as an "excuse" for misgendering them. You knew that ais is nonbinary, and deliberately misgendered them to punish them for *tagging their azula-related posts as related to azula* when YOU didn't want see it and aren't mature enough to use the block or filter-tags options and cultivate your own online experience like a rational human capable of thought.

Also, deliberately turning "typing" into a gendered activity isn't as much of an "excuse" as you seem to think it is. Either you're a radfem that knew ais is non-binary and deliberately misgendered them to hurt them and are now lying to cover your ass since it got called out, OR you're a radfem who thinks "typing" is inexplicably something that can be separated into male/female categories. Either way, you're a RadFem.

Also also, good job trying to gaslight ais into thinking your tantrum is somehow their fault by pretending that they called you a RadFem for "caring about tags" even though OBVIOUSLY they called you a RadFem for misgendering them on purpose, and also trying to gaslight them by LITERALLY CALLING THEM CRAZY for pointing out your inappropriate behavior. Gold star, really.

So, let's take note: You're attempting to gaslight someone because you got called out for being transphobic in your attempts to gatekeep the tags, all in defense of your oh-so-precious girlboss.

And this whole thing started because ironpines got attacked for "lying" that there are toxic people among azula's stans lmao I couldn't make this up if I wanted to XD

You can never say our day is boring at least.