#but im afraid that attempting to improve the process will just result in me having to do the process all the time indefinitely

[quaranmine]

pain and suffering at work pt 2

[chokememrstark]

The Soulmate Sam Never Asked For // Part 8

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 2660 (Chapter 8 / 12)

Fic Summary: Sam's hope is proven right when the doctor comes back to them with positive news. He's as excited as Raphael, only Lucifer still seems to be trying to fully process the situation. But Sam knows he's just having a hard time putting his thoughts into words, which shows very soon.

college!AU, human!AU, soulmates!AU, dysfunctional families, abusive parents, dramatic romance, or romantic drama, your choice, big brother!Lucifer, soulmates hating each other, referenced alcoholism, death and abuse, some violence, and lots of feels, fluff and cuteness, some drama but not too much, lots of bickering, and two damn stubborn soulmates (!!)

Note: My lovely beta reader @brieflymaximumprincess called this a rom-com and even though I don’t believe it is, in my eyes, it does have certain elements of it. This is not the angst you know from me, not at all.

Yes, there is some drama, but there is also a lot of sweet and cute moments, much more than the dramatic ones. I guess you could say I accidentally wrote cute fluff? Because it was not intended, but here we are.

This fic is already completed and will be posted by the regular schedule from now on: Thuesday, Thursday and Saturday! So, enjoy ♥

Tagging: @shebahda   @sassysupernaturalsweetheart    @spnyoucantkeepmedown  @brieflymaximumprincess @multifandomhcsforinsanity @etysky @justasmalltownsuperwholock @humongouscandycoffee @daddycasstiel @nnegann @blakechaos08

If you want off the tag list or want to be added, just drop me an ask or IM!

Read on AO3!

Since he didn’t have to go back to college at the moment, Sam spent the afternoon with the two brothers. In probably the strangest twist of his life, Raphael actually grew on him more and more. They played a round of Monopoly, during which Sam could watch the interaction between him and Lucifer more closely, and he realized that it was very similar to his own relationship with Dean in a certain way. They laughed, but also teased each other when one of them didn’t have things work out in their favor. It was nice to watch, but inside it made Sam very sad and he hoped more than ever before the doctor would come back with good news soon. If he had to sacrifice a kidney so these two could stay together like this, he was going to do it in a heartbeat.

In the late afternoon, Raphael became tired and Sam excused himself to get more coffee for the older ones, but he mostly left because he wanted them to have a brotherly moment without being disturbed. They had spent the whole day together after all, Raphael and Lucifer surely needed some time alone. On his way back from the cantina he heard a familiar voice and turned around, coffees still in hand, to a very happy looking doctor.

“Sam!” doctor Francis said and quickly walked up to him. “I’m glad to catch you outside, do you have a moment?”

“Of course, yeah,” Sam answered perplexed. “Do you have the results?”

“We do and they are very promising.”

Sam’s jaw dropped, his grip around the coffee cups tightening slightly.

“So, I can donate? I can help Raphael?” he asked, completely shocked and surprised.

“If that’s your wish, yes,” the doctor nodded with a smile. “Your examples match almost perfectly, much better than the first. We have very good chances that Raphael’s body won’t reject the transplant this time.”

“Oh my god, that’s amazing!” Sam gasped, almost dropping the coffees from excitement. “When can we do it? Can we do it today already?”

“Slow down, young man,” Doctor Francis laughed. “You have to be sober for the operation, so I’m afraid it won’t happen today.” Sam looked very disappointed, but the doctor continued before he could say anything. “But we already reserved the surgery room for tomorrow morning, so if you agree and Raphael's condition allows it, we can do it then.”

“Awesome!” Sam couldn’t believe it, this was way better than he had expected. “Is there anything I need to know, apart from being sober?”

“We will operate on Raphael and you simultaneously, to not lose any time. We are very lucky that you want to do this, the chances for success are much higher this way. Since Raphael is still a child we won’t take your whole kidney, we will cut out a certain amount of it and transplant it. The procedure will take a while, but because we have a living transplant the chances are very high.”

“So, he’ll be fine?” Sam asked excited. “He’ll live a normal life again and won’t have to fear another rejection?”

“Of course I can’t guarantee that,” the doctor said with a stern face. “But since you two are such a good match the prognoses are very good. Raphael will have to take care of himself of course and he will have to take medication for the rest of his life to prevent another rejection, but if his body accepts the transplant it will be a huge improvement.”

“I’m on board,” Sam said without hesitating. “I already packed some things in case I could donate, so I can stay here right away.”

“That was very thoughtful of you,” doctor Francis smiled. “I will come with you to break the news.”

“I’m not sure if Raphael is still awake,” Sam said as they continued their way to the boy’s room. “He was very tired earlier.”

“We’ll see,” the doctor answered.

Sam nodded, he was about to kick the door to alert Lucifer he was there, after all his hands were still full. Doctor Francis saw his attempt and quickly opened the door for them. Sam smiled at him and walked inside. As he had expected, Raphael was asleep, but Lucifer’s attention was on them right away and he jumped up to walk over.

“Doctor! Is everything alright? Do you have any news?”

Sam put the coffee down next to Lucifer, fearing he might actually drop his when he got the new information, before the doctor answered.

“Yes and they are good ones finally,” doctor Francis smiled. Lucifer gave Sam a confused look, who nodded toward the man in white so the blond turned his attention back to him. “Sam and Raphael’s examples are an almost perfect match, we can do the transplantation right tomorrow morning. So far, Raphael’s health allows another operation and Sam already gave me his okay. If Raphael's condition stays the same over night, I don't see a problem.”

“Seriously?” Lucifer asked with wide eyes and turned back to his classmate. “You’re not kidding me?”

“Nope,” Sam smiled at the other. “We are ready to go as soon as Raph and I are sober.”

“Oh god, Sam!” Lucifer gasped and suddenly, without a warning or giving Sam any chance to react, grabbed the brunet and pulled him into his arms and into a tight and almost squishing hug. “Thank you so much! You don’t know how much this means to me!”

“Hey, I told you I’d do it,” Sam said awkwardly and patted Lucifer’s back the best he could. “He’s gonna be better soon, I’m sure of that.”

“Raphael has the best chances of recovering with Sam’s kidney,” the doctor said and caught Lucifer’s attention again, who slowly let go of his classmate. “He is a much better match than the last donor and it's gonna be a living transplant, which increases the chance for success too. I’m not allowed to make legal promises, you know that, but given the circumstances, I’m confident that it will all go well and Raphael will recover very soon.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Lucifer mumbled, looking back and forth between the doctor and Sam.

“I’d say you prepare your brother when he wakes up,” the doctor suggested with a smile. “I will come by tonight to talk to him again and in the morning we will prepare everything.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Lucifer said and took the man’s hand tightly. “I can’t thank you enough for this, really.”

“Thank me when everything is over,” the doctor replied, but still shook Lucifer’s hand with a smile. “I will ask Karen to make the second bed in this room ready for you, Sam. I’m sure you want to stay here instead of in a separate room.”

“That would be great, thank you,” Sam nodded and smiled. “I want to know if Raphael is doing well and I’m sure it will be easier for Lucifer too.”

“Of course, I’ll be back later.”

The doctor nodded again and left the two young men alone. After staring at the door for a good five minutes, Lucifer finally turned around to Sam again, his face still a mask of disbelief. Sam smiled weakly and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay, Lucifer, I know it,” he said carefully.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this, Sam,” Lucifer mumbled slowly. “You know Raphael for two days and me for a few weeks and you’re doing something so huge for us!”

“I told you, if the tests say yes, I’m on board.” Sam smiled. “Maybe you should sit down and drink your coffee, I don’t want you to drop to the floor.”

Lucifer nodded and allowed Sam to guide him over to his chair. The brunet got their coffees and sat down on his own chair, excited and a little nervous, but much more than that very relieved that the doctor had given them such good news.

They sat in silence for quite some time, drinking their coffee - Lucifer more sporadically than Sam - and waiting. Sam knew that Lucifer’s mind was probably going through everything that could go wrong right now, but he could see that he was just as relieved as he was himself. After all, his brother was about to get another chance, one he had not deemed possible before. Sam was nervous, but he tried not to show it too obviously to not worry the blond any further. At the same time, however, he was very hopeful about this operation.

“I can’t believe this,” Lucifer said eventually, shaking his head. “He’s gonna get another chance…”

“And it’s a good one, the doctor told me,” Sam said quietly. “Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be alright and everything will go well.”

“I never thought he’d get this opportunity again,” Lucifer sighed. “Even if it’s only buying time, it’s more than I ever hoped for.”

“It’ll be more than buying time,” Sam replied, drawing Lucifer’s attention. “He’ll recover and go back to school and you’ll live a better life, I know that.”

“You really think so?” Lucifer asked and Sam nodded.

“I’m sure of it,” he said.

-----

Raphael reacted excited at the news of another transplant, especially when he found out Sam would be the donor. He kept talking about how they would basically be brothers then and Sam and Lucifer couldn’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm. A nurse came by later to put new sheets on the empty bed in Raphael’s room and even when the boy was told he wouldn’t get any food anymore until the operation he wasn’t bothered at all. When Lucifer told him he’d stay overnight too, Raphael was thrilled.

“We’ll have a sleepover!” he exclaimed laughing. “I always wanted a sleepover!”

The sleepover turned out to only last until nine in the evening, when Raphael fell asleep on his bed, but Sam was sure he still enjoyed it. Lucifer smiled at his brother, kissed his forehead and pulled the blanket up to his chin so he wouldn’t get cold. He had made some kind of improvised bed in the play area Gabe usually stayed in, assuring Raphael it was fine this way before he fell asleep. He and Sam kept their voices down after this to not wake him up again.

“You sure you’ll be able to sleep like this?” Sam asked, eyeing Lucifer’s bed suspiciously. “Doesn’t look comfortable.”

“It’ll do,” Lucifer shrugged. “You two got your beds and will sleep well, that’s important. I can sleep when this is all over.”

“You’re a really good brother,” Sam smiled warmly. “They are very lucky to have you.”

“So, you think a good brother lets one of them be taken away and one suffer like this?” Lucifer asked and sighed. “Doesn’t sound that good to me.”

“No, a good brother doesn’t stop fighting for them,” Sam assured him. “A bad one would just shrug and move on, but you don’t do that.”

“Maybe,” Lucifer replied quietly, not very persuading.

“Let me put it this way,” Sam tried again. “A bad brother wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice his own future just so his little brothers are happy and cared for. A bad brother would turn his back at them and just leave them behind for his own sake.”

“Sounds like what Michael did,” Lucifer said sadly. “But I would give everything I have for them, even my life.”

“And that makes you the good brother, not Michael.”

Lucifer looked up, meeting Sam’s eyes and catching the reassuring hint in them.

“Thank you, Sam,” Lucifer answered. “I don’t think anyone ever said such things to me.”

“It’s just the truth,” Sam shrugged, blushing a little. “Everyone would be happy to have someone who cares about them as much as you care about your brothers. Just because bad things happen doesn’t mean that changes.”

“I wish they had parents who cared for them as much as I do,” Lucifer sighed and looked at Raphael. “They deserve to be loved and if their parents can’t do that I’ll just love them more to make up for it.”

“You know, you might think you’re a tough guy,” Sam chuckled mischievously. “But you’re a big softie at heart.”

“The big softie can hit pretty damn hard if someone calls him a softie again,” Lucifer huffed and glared at Sam. “Don’t test your luck on me, punk.”

“Oh, I would never dare,” Sam laughed and raised his hands in defense. “Don’t wanna get my ass kicked by the big bad wolf.”

Lucifer growled dangerously at Sam and for a moment they were both silent before the laughter broke through. Sam couldn’t explain why, but he actually felt happy and much less nervous right now. Maybe he hated the soulmate thing, but Lucifer wasn’t so bad after all. Seeing this other side of him helped, so did the knowledge that he was just acting when he was out there, but that wasn’t all. There was something else, a certain type of understanding that he didn’t know until this point and he actually liked that.

“You should get some sleep now too,” Lucifer suggested after the laughter ebbed away slowly. “It’s a big day tomorrow, you don’t want to be exhausted.”

“Yeah, because they’ll keep me awake during the operation,” Sam grinned, causing Lucifer to laugh again. “But you’re probably right, I’m pretty tired.”

Sam laid down and Lucifer turned off the lights before doing the same in the very uncomfortable spot he was forced into. For what felt like an eternity Sam tried to fall asleep, but it just wouldn’t happen for some reason. He wasn’t scared of the next day or felt conflicted right now, he simply laid there and stared at the ceiling that was slightly illuminated through the windows as the minutes flew by.

“Lucifer?” Sam finally whispered after a very long time, not even expecting an answer. “Are you still awake?”

“Yeah?” The other sounded sleepy, but not as if Sam had just woken him up.

“Did you ever wonder why this soulmate thing even exists?” Sam had no idea why these words came out of his mouth in the first place, but once they were out he really felt the need for an answer.

“My theory is that God is a cruel asshole who loves to play with us,” Lucifer scoffed.

“That might be a reason,” Sam chuckled.

“Actually that’s just me being bitter,” Lucifer said and Sam swore he heard a smirk in his voice. “I don’t know why it exists, but it does and we have to live with it. Sometimes it makes people happy, sometimes it doesn’t, we won’t know before it happens to us, sadly.”

“Yeah, it can be pretty fucked up,” Sam sighed, thinking about his parents. “I don't wanna end up broken about something I never had a say in…”

“Oh, you do have a say in it,” Lucifer rejected. “You fight it, most people don't. And I can assure you I'm a rather durable asshole, I'm not gonna die anytime soon, don’t worry.”

Sam smirked into the darkness. He wondered if his mom thought like this too before she got killed, but as soon as the thought creeped up he tried to push it back down. No, this was different, he couldn't compare these situations. It was nice knowing that Lucifer wanted to make him feel better about it though.

“Maybe we can become friends one day,” Sam eventually said quietly. It was probably the hardest thing he ever forced out of his mouth. “I mean, when this is over and you want to. It's fine if not, but I wouldn't mind.”

“Me neither,” Lucifer replied just the same. “I told you I can't afford this to take over my life, but a friend doesn't sound like a bad thing. And now get some sleep, it's late.”

“Yeah, I'll try,” Sam smiled. “Goodnight, Lucifer.”

“Goodnight, Sam.”

[fairycosmos]

hello mutual ~ im am a baby so i will stay anon but you are the one person here that i think will help. I did the thing i thought was right, but it was stupid. i confessed to smoking and now im “banned” and grounded for a few weeks. weed just helps so much, with my anxiety and irritibality and it was a really good crutch because im at a point where i dont enjoy much (as in i cant find anything to make me happy 🙃) im just really fucking sad and obviously regretful but i feel like such an idiot

hey man, don’t say that. you’re not an idiot just for trying to cope, and you’re obviously still very young so you’re going to do things that you regret - it’s how you mature. beating yourself up about it now isn’t going to change anything, and it’s not going to make the situation any better. doing what you think is right and then having it turn out wrong is literally one of the most inevitable things ever, and it’s going to happen over n over again as you grow up. tbh i totally get where you’re coming from because i started smoking when i was 14 and it helped with my anxiety and stuff but at the same time i’d really really recommend waiting until you’re a little older before you do it regularly. weed isn’t exactly a harmful drug in most cases, but your brain is still developing and in the long run it’s going to make your anxiety worse + stop you from reaching your full potential. that’s what it did for me n a lot of people i know who started smoking heavily when they were young - it’s simply not worth it. you don’t need it right now, especially when there are so many others ways to find that sort of outlet. finding what works best for you and what calms you down might take a little while, but there are so many different things you can look into/try out. your anxiety isn’t some sort of monster, it’s something that can be controlled. i get that you feel like you only have one option, but just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s true. your anxiety is clouding your perception of everything, and making you believe things that aren’t based in rationality/reality. and honestly, i understand that it’s shitty to have your parents be so disappointed in you, but they’re not going to hold it against you forever. this is something that you’re going to be able to move past, something that is ultimately quite manageable. if you feel comfortable with telling your parents about your anxiety, even if you think they don’t want to hear it, then i’d really recommend doing so. at the end of the day they care about you, and you genuinely don’t have to fight this alone (tho obviously if they’re abusive or something i can’t recommend that, but if not just know that it’s okay to tell them how you’re feeling, you have a right to ask for help if you need it.) you don’t need to hide what you’re going through from them, you can talk to them - they’ve been through it themselves, and even though it might feel a little awkward it really will make your worries feel a little less intense.

and even if telling them isn’t an option, you’d be surprised to know how many people can relate to exactly what you’re going through right now, and how many resources there are out there that will help you. it sounds like bullshit, but it’s not. you are not a lost cause, and there is no reason for you to give up on yourself. you are a lot younger than you realize, and you don’t need to have it all figured out just yet. i have so much belief in you, so much certainty in your ability to do what’s best for your own mindset. when it comes down to it, if you actively seek ways to make your mental health a priority in your life, then you will notice positive results in time. whether it’s by talking to a school counselor, or making an appointment with your actual doctor - either one is a really solid place to start. they’ll be able to offer some better coping techniques and tips on how to manage it when it’s all too much. yeah, it’s a process. and yes, it can be scary and odd to think about talking to someone and drawing attention to yourself/your anxiety, but you have to to know on a really deep and fundamental level that it’s going to improve the quality of your life eventually. force yourself to care about what happens to you, look out for yourself as much as you can. remember, anxiety is an actual disorder and in a lot of cases it needs real medical attention in order to overcome, you know? if it’s seriously impacting your life and your overall happiness, then you DO have the control to reach out, even if your mind is telling you that you’re powerless and weak. you need to take your mental health as seriously as you take your physical health, because it’s really just as important. i get that all of this is a lot easier said than done, dude. and i’m not i’m not saying that you have to make any big decisions right now - fighting this is going to take time and effort and some days it may feel like you’re losing the battle, but as long as you are trying then you are doing more than enough. you are going to be alright. i’m not gna put any more pressure on you to talk to someone, but i hope you know that the option is there and that it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you’re expecting it to be. don’t write the idea off before you’ve even tried it, because it’s really one of the best alternatives to smoking/unhealthy coping mechanisms. you need to find the root causes of why you feel the way that you do before you can truly face it, you know? but whatever you decide, try to remember that you are dealing with something that is very very painful and hard, and that the fact that you are getting up each day and attempting to do the right thing is an achievement in itself. every day is a new opportunity to change something for the better, and to try again. the way that you’re feeling right now is a lot less permanent than it feels, i promise. each negative thought and emotion you have is temporary, and it has no baring on reality unless you say that it does. i’ll leave a few links that might be able to help when you feel an anxiety bout/attack coming on, check them out if you have the time. i’m always here if you need to talk lil angel, n i hope you find some peace of mind soon, and that you figure things out w your parents. hmu if you need a friend :)

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/management

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-cloud9/201308/5-quick-tips-reduce-stress-and-stop-anxiety

https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/ten-ways-to-cope-with-anxiety

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-tips/stop-anxiety-attacks.shtml

http://bigthink.com/21st-century-spirituality/wired-for-anxiety

https://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety/how-to-handle-panic-attacks.aspx

https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-health-newsletter/are-you-afraid-to-ask-for-mental-health-help/

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/04/06/too-anxious-to-get-help-for-my-anxiety/

[kaleyamdarenawz32insurance-blog]

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pennsylvania insurance department naic

[lovesaadiqa]

Positive Intelligence

Picked up a book.. Montana was reading at work yesterday + I really mean reading, like ignoring her tables kind of reading.  I was inspired, I haven't read a book all year, its September!!!  Social media has been a large source of stagnation for me and 3 hours of scrolling this morning made me curse myself for not doing what I know I should .. paying more attention to my life than other’s.  Out of guilt, I decided to read and really just picked the book on the top of the stack lol.

Positive Intelligence By: Shirzad Chamine

Chapter One:

Initially bored out my wits with the intro and most of the first chapter, I forced myself to keep going.  Decided to journal (that’s what Tumblr is for me versus a blogging community) my interpretation of each chapter.  As I neared the end of chapter one, im intrigued by the comparison of IQ (cognitive intelligence), EQ (emotional intelligence) and PQ (positive intelligence).  I recognized IQ from school and equating it with how dumb a person is lol.  I've heard of EQ but only in reference to the way people behave when they are hurt.  To be completely honest I feel I should be reading a book on EQ but here we are PQ.  PQ, as described by Shirzad, is a measurement of your mind working both for you and against you.  My interest peaked!! I know for sure for sure my PQ is low because I am a very worrisome person who believes “all good things come to an end” versus thinking “bad times don’t last always.  At the end of the chapter there is an inquiry to help me correlate what the book is saying and how it applies to my own life.  

Chapter One inquiry:  if you could significantly improve one important thing, personally or professionally, as a result of reading this book, what would it be?  Keep that goal in mind as you read this book.  ||  Personally I believe I am a quitter by way of procrastination.  I personally and professionally need to learn how to follow through.  I convince myself over a period of time that “this won't work for me" or “I'll never be _____ or as good as ________” and completely just stop.  I want my self talk to be encouraging and motivating.  I let any little butmp in the road cause me to pull over.. toxic trait!  This has to change!

Chapter two:

Good luck prying this book from my hands.  Needless to say, I am happy I continued reading.  This chapter helps me to understand how we have two ways of thinking, sabotage + sage.  Sabotage we develop as children to prevent physical and emotional harm which we should rid by adulthood.. Sage the power, positive, deeper, wiser you.  The chapter identifies 10 sabotagers to help you understand which one(s) control you.  This chapter goes on to tell you how to change your mind from sabotage to sage and provides an example of a man and his team who all learned to do this together to increase the success of a billion dollar company.  The methods seem wacky but you have to be a fool to believe I won't try.  Won’t go into much depth (buy the book) but Shirzad goes on to say the easiest way to change your mind is to label each thought;  useful, neutral or harmful and the to call out the sabotager.  For example:  Thought “your are not good enough” I respond by thinking or saying (I'll be saying it out loud personally) “there goes the Judge telling me im not good enough”.  The Judge is one of the 10 sabotagers.  This is vital for me because so much of how I think is a shit ton of underlying factors I don't know exist.  Reading is fundamental because I would have never recognized the voice of the Judge as being harmful.  I always believed that telling myself im not good enough would force to me to work harder but the truth is, I coerced myself, over the years to believe im mediocre, average at best!  This is ground breaking for me + I want to personally challenge myself to do this all day today before moving on the next chapter.  Labeling my thoughts is genius, this is so cohesive with my personal goal of being more mindful.

Chapter two inquiry:  what do you find energizing, hopeful or exciting about Positive Intelligence?  What are you skeptical about?  How would you know if you skepticism were generated by a saboteur trying to stay in power?  ||  I know how vital changing your mind is to growth, maturity and overall personal development.  I’ve experienced this in a very mild manner with regards to perspective and was blown away.  It’s really a gift from God + an outer body experience to see your old self succumb to a new you by way of thinking differently + being present in the mind the surrender to the process.  So in short I am excited, hopeful and energized that I don't have to wing it.. this book provides the formula, the methods and evokes the mental awareness for me to experience my mind changing and completely being one with the me I can't see.. all that inner shit!  Im skeptical about my consistency cause it’s always been an issue for me but even writing this allows me to see the saboteur  named Restless (the sabotager who is always lookin for new excitement, losing focus + providing endless distraction)  Ha!  I get it, I get it!!!!  I called her out!!! 

Chapter three:

This chapter, unadulterated perspective.  Allow me to document the four major part of this book that hit home for me.  1. There is a subtitled portion in chapter three labeled The Problem With Saboteurs.  In order to survive we needed umbilical cords at birth, milk as babies, itty bitty teeth until our mouths grow develop the permanent ones, even casts for broken bones.  However, as we matured, all of these grew obsolete and we rid ourselves of them naturally.  Can you image if we didn't, lmaoooo.  Its funny to picture it in my head but our minds develop in the same way EXCEPT, they do not naturally rid themselves as we age!!!  Mentally and emotionally, a shit ton of us don't realize we’re  still attached to the umbilical cord, drinking baby milk, using toddler teeth and have never taken the cast off of healed injuries... in our late 30′s and 40′s!!!!!  Bruh, this made me feel pitiful because im not exempt!  The thinking patterns and emotional behaviors necessary for me to survive my childhood are the same ridiculous techniques I use in my adulthood.  The saying “..but when I became a man, I put all those childish things away.” pops smooth into my head!!! 2. The book compares people to hatched sea turtles.  The very first thing they do is make there way to the ocean floor for safety, physical survival.  We do this as kids as also, but we do it both physically and MENTALLY!  Mind blown comprehending this.  3.  The book describes our saboteurs as a snowman to say they melt when exposed to light.  This insinuates that all it takes to chance your negative thoughts is awareness.  All I have to do is recognize the thought and label is using one of the 10 saboteurs described in the book.  Im so excited for this!!!  

Chapter three inquiry:  a saboteur served a purpose - to protect you physically or helped you survive emotionally.  How did you Judge and your top accomplice saboteur help you in your youth?  ||  I've used my judge to shield myself from an abusive parent for emotional survival.  I won't go too much into the details (I'll leave it for another time).  Promise to update this after some deep thinking.  I’ve blacked out much of my trauma and early life as to cope better and progress forward.  I knew at some point in my life I would have to dig up my past but I definitely believed it would have been with a shrink versus a book.  I’ll see what I can do.  I am journaling this to help someone else and myself, but as of right now.. im not ready to relive most of what I know I have to share. 

Chapter four:

Decided to walk and read this chapter but due the heat index, said walk took place on the treadmill in the basement of my building.  Thank goodness it was empty because this chapter made me cry, twice.  Touching a bit on self judgement, judging others and judging circumstances.  The writer exposes a part of me I have never truly acknowledged.  I don’t always love myself unless there is a reason attached to it such as accomplishment, awesome behavior, etc.  It was difficult to read that I am to love myself just for being!  Just because I am me; undefined by flaws or accomplishment, good behavior or social rank.  Unconditional love is the only love there is, love without conditions for being exactly who I am.  My brain is warped but im hopeful it will bring about an abundance of change to the way I treat myself when undergoing difficulty.  I also decided a name for my Judge, she’s The Liar.  My Liar is stong and brutal and means me no good.  My liar is NOT me.  There is a portion of this chapter that is vital to my life, well two!!!  The first is so powerful, I am tearing up just thinking about it.. “You will be happen when...”  My Liar is the biggest scammer ever.  I AM HAPPY NOW!  Damn it if my Liar doesn’t tell me, “you can be happy when your business is successful, when you move into a penthouse, when you’re married...” Shirzad writes that my Liar will always renegoitate my when as I achieve it.  I will be happy when I save $10k and as soon as I have $9,999 dollars all of a sudden, I will be happen when I purchase a home.  Man if this didn't strike a cord.  I will be chasing happiness my entire life living in misery with a life someone else is when’ing for!  Who cut the onion bro? The second very vital part of the chapter is when the writer analyzes the difference between judging and discernment.  This will need to be revisited as I attempt to weaken my saboteurs because it’s a thin line between judging and discerning.

Chapter four inquiry:  what would change, at work or in your personal life, if your Judge’s voice were significantly weakened?  ||  OPTIMISM for sure!!!! I would be less apprehensive about tough decisions. I’d be more eager to try new things and hopeful for every circumstance I have to undergo.  I shelter myself from many things because I am so afraid to fail or have an unfavorable outcome.  I be ducking “feelings” and can vividly hear myself telling myself in previous situations that “I don't want to feel anything”, “I don't feel like it”.  That is for the dead and I realized I am the dead walking!  Life is to be felt I just need to get to a place where fear isn’t holding me hostage and realize I can survive whatever I feel.  Writing this provoked a question I posed to myself, why don’t you want to feel? I hold onto the shit im supposed to let go and the emotional warfare makes it so difficult to learn what the feeling is there to teach me.  I am super dramatic and I can see how the Victim is actively assisting my Liar.  I’d be able to keep a job, lol.. yeah issa a problem.  On a personal level, I believe I'd be more aware of what the universe is trying to teach and can significantly alter the energy I put out.  God has me in awe, this book wasn’t random.  The timing was’t random.  I am ready and the unconditional love God has for me, has once again reminded me that I am entitled to love, just because I am me.  Chills bro.

Chapter five:

This chapter compares the Saboteur to the Sage.  It goes on to discuss example of when both he and others where faced with what seemed to be extreme tragedy or life altering situations with sage.  In my opinion is summarizes how to constantly look on the bright side.  An part of this stated that when something unfavorable happens, we tend to believe the outcome “good or bad” and reassures which every you believe in your mind will ultimately solidify the situation according to your beliefs about it.  This sent me into deep thought.. I reflected back to when a “bad” situation turned out for my greater good.  This has happened countless time but the most prevalent was my living situation in the previous two years.  I went from paying nothing and getting kicked out without notice, to an invite as a roomie for $200 but was tortured in that situation.  I moved into a unit (work, live, stay) for $500 but now shower only bird baths for 3 months to now renting a condo for $1000.  I had to initially but put out on my ass for this ball to get rolling.  I would have never voluntarily moved from paying no rent to $1000.  I’d built up so much resentment towards the homeowner and carried it all the way to this chapter and because learning about the sage, which works for my greater good, I can let it go.  I had not realized and still don’t, how much unnecessary baggage I carry that affects only me.  You better trust and believe the day I moved out, angry and hateful, that the homeowner went to work and carried on with his life, not giving a single fuck about how I felt.  This book is doing a great work in me, turning my thoughts and beliefs in to learning opportunities.  Now be fully aware of how both the saboteurs and my sage works, I plan to revisit all my buried bullshit to evaluate how what I thought to be “bad” turned out for my good.  A positive poised mind.  Healthy thought processes.  Meditation.  Acceptance.  Change.  My liar keeps telling me, this process (saboteur to sage) will take a long time to do.. it’s imperative I remind myself to stay committed to implenting what im learning and do the work.  My entire life I have boxed the outcomes of situations either bad or good depending of the favorability of them.  What the fuck can I loose by looking at everything as a outlet for opportunity and personal development.  I cannot put my gratitude into words.  Im in utter awe that I have carried this book around for at least 3 years, from boxes to storage units, to book piles to my finger and it is life.  Im so in love with the possibility of me changing sooner than later and orchestrating my own mental health.  I will do the work!

Chapter five inquiry:  pick one thing in your life, whether at work or at home, that’s causing you particularly high distress right now.  Try the Three-Gift technique on it:  think of at least three ways the problem could turn into a gift and opportunity at some point in the future.

In fear of my living situation since I moved to Atlanta, homelessness scared the living day lights out of me.  I took off an entire month in July this year to go home to be with Zette (I missed him) and found it super difficult to find a job as quickly as I usually do, normally a week tops.  I took until the end of August to land a position and the money is shit.  I have a pretty ok savings account that I vowed not to touch until I were purchasing property.  So im stuck with 2 months of unpaid rent which is threatening to make me withdrawal money from my “house account”.  As this month closes in on me, I have been losing sleep about it, also afraid to burden my guy (whom I know has a lot on his plate) with my tab.  1. Gift One - forces me to work harder at growing my business to create real income so that working for someone else becomes the supplement versus my primary source of income.  2.  Use my sage gifts to to work on my reoccurring panic attacks, this is a fine opportunity to put to use all that I've learned in this book.  In doing this I can train myself on a small scale how to increase my PQ.  Weaken my liar who tells me if I spend my saved money I'll never get it back, allowing me to believe in myself, the power of my sage and open my eyes to very thing that got me in this condo.. hard work, resilience and the ability to go forward despite what may lie ahead.  3.  Prepare better in the future financially for trips, vacations or any unexpected event that may cause me unemployment.  

Chapter six:

This chapter describes each sage power (there are 5), what inhibit them, when to use them, and provides a game to play when is time to use them.  Some of these I understood 100% while others left me scratching my head.  At the end of the chapter, it provides an example through scenarios where one person had to utilize all of them individually in order to keep her job.  This caused even more confusion for me but I will keep at at it and reread the entire book if I need to, seriously.

Chapter six inquiry:  what is one area of your work or life where could use some fresh and creative new perspective?  Play the “yes.. and...” game by writing idea after idea nonstop for ten minutes without any evaluation along the way.

How to build clientele:

Flyers on in public areas, offering a free return services, consistency on social media posts, do a live tutorials or classes for a limited time, offering a discount to the people in my building, reaching out to a mentor to work under as an understudy, advertise to low income students at all the colleges around town, hash tagging colleges with my services, strengthen my brand, make booking easier and automatic, specials for new clients and returning clients, ads on google, facebook and craigslist, offering specials to the businesses surround me, take better pictures, get a logo, offer classes every month, promote the classes same as I do the service, offer lash classes on craigslist  or google, retain a celeb for services, lash for free at least once per week, create a way to brand, practice is more important than the money right now, learn differnt lashes styles and how to execute them, get more consistent sets, lash once per day even on the mannequin, offer out of state client special or last minute deals,  offer to lash as a donation to the community, offer free lash specials for prom season, graduation and courthouse marriages, talk about your business at least once per day, learn hygiene, maintenance, and sanitation thoroughly, educate clients, brand your shampoo and lash bags with embroidery machine, get a logo, learn new ways to keep professionalism at its peak, get, learn and implement better customer service skills, make your lash bed feel like a hotel California king, get classic lashing service time under 120 minutes, do traveling lash services like a feature lash tech in other peoples salons, offer traveling lash services per day or week to new nailery’s, hair salons and men, advertise during pride in midtown, let clients know you service men, study tutorials on youtube and practice more, diversify your clientele, add and learn more lash and brow services, offer and brand supplies to student, advertise lash classes to your clients, they may want to invest in themselves, get or create a uniform for yourself, open a parlor to teach/train and rent out stations... 11 minutes!!!

Chapter seven:

This is the chapter I’ve been waitin for!!!  This chapter taught me how to switch from my survivor brain to my sage brain in tens seconds.  This is necessary and the timing of this chapter was flawless.  I went out last night for Monday night football, got a little too drunk, relapsed on my old ways of being and lashed out on my guy for no reason of his own.  I was angry, woke up angry, refused to settle my mind, or label my saboteurs.  Tense all day, pinned up energy for no reason.. shit I didn’t even want to read the book today!!  It got real for real, then this chapter a physical way to switch my mind from inner turmoil to physical appreciation.  The book suggests I do this 100 times per day, 21 days in a row to rewire the way my brain sorts information.  I will do this!  I can do this.  I deserve this.

Chapter seven inquiry:  are you willing to promis yourself that you’ll do a hundred PQ reps every dat?  If so, what might your saboteurs try to tell you in the coming dats to talk you out of it?  ||  I am all in!  My outlook on “problems” is definitely more inviting as I eagerly look forward to changing my mind.  You just cannot measure where you are without the test.  My saboteurs will attempt to convince me 21 days is too long or that when I do a PQ workout I may not be able to hush the noise.  Either way im doing this for the full 21 days.  I know somedays I will not remember to get my points but I will commit a workout to each day im lacking to rack up points.  

[bibianarealizacion]

Jane’s Story

Jane, 24, is a survivor of a very violent sexual assault that required urgent medical attention. She since then developed PTSD, severe depression and spent a week in a psychiatric ward because of a suicide attempt. Jane was privileged enough to have had access to medical attention and psychiatric attention under Medicaid. Unfortunately, this is not always the case for victims and the Trump administration threatens the little available healthcare even more. It’s been four years now since the assault and Jane is doing her best to continue to heal although she can’t afford therapy anymore her after having lost her Medicaid and the defunding of Planned Parenthood (which offers group therapy to rape survivors and counselling). Rape may not be something we are able to prevent, but we can improve the way we approach it by understanding and recognizing how heavily it impacts a person both physically and psychologically.

Jane places a mirror on the floor as she prepares to talk about her experience.  Jane carefully takes two tiny steps as she steps onto a mirror on the floor. She lifts up her black dress exposing her bare legs as she crouches down to stare at the rectangular mirror below her. She shifts her weight and moves her head as she intently searches the mirror’s reflection between her legs.

I can’t see it. I’ve never been able to see it, and I think that’s fucking crazy

Jane says with a sheepish smile, nodding her head, as she pulls down her dress and takes a sit on the floor next to a pile of laundry.

I think it might not be visible anymore, but I remember looking for it a few days after it happened and I couldn’t find the scar then either.

On the second Saturday of May 2013, Jane got on a plane heading to southern California, where she would be violently raped that night. She had planned a surprise visit for her mother that weekend months in advanced.

It was the first flight I ever booked and I felt so excited and in control. My mom had offered to fly me down for mothers day a few months earlier and was disappointed when I told her I wasn’t going to be able to make it. She didn’t know I had already been saving up my tips and had enough money for a round trip and as decent of a gift as my minimum wage job could afford.

Jane’s eyes gleam with joy as she describes her mother’s excitement when she surprised her that Saturday evening. She picks up a stray shoe lace from the floor and starts wrapping it around her finger as she describes her family’s background with the same joy but now with a hint of longing and nostalgia.

Jane’s father stepped out economically a few years back and declared bankruptcy after some terrible business decisions. Jane’s mother had been unemployed for over a decade but still managed to get a job at a department store and has been making ends meet for Jane and her two younger brothers ever since. Although the cost of living in southern California is astronomical, Jane and her brothers managed to be accepted into one of the districts best schools in the wealthier part of town. The family of three share a one bed room apartment and the kids partake in an hour and a half commute every morning in order to receive a superb education. Jane graduated in 2011 with a high enough GPA to land her a full ride at a University in northern California.

My parents worried that we would be bullied for being latino in a predominantly white school or that it would be hard on us to be surrounded by kids with a beach house, snow cabin and a lake house (these kids were really at the pinnacle of wealth, Im not exaggerating) But I was lucky, and just sort of understood that although it wasn’t my time yet, I could still aspire to the same things those kids did, we were talking the same AP classes after all. Not only did I not feel inferior but I had a really nice high school experience to be honest and built some pretty strong friendships.

The gleam in Jane’s eyes seems to dissipate and her look becomes somber as she talks about her best friend. She continues to wrap the shoelace around her finger, pulling it and making it tighter.

Adriana was my best friend. She lived in a huge house that faced the ocean, but her father was in jail for embezzlement in Mexico City. So her family would hide out in a mansion with an expired visa. I told her I was visiting my mom and she begged me to spend the night at her house that Saturday. My mom reluctantly agreed but asked me to be home early next Sunday so we could celebrate Mothers day. Mothers day.

Jane’s finger has turned purple after being constricted by the shoelace for so long. She stares at it and puts the shoe lace aside. She’s uneasy and opens her mouth as if to say something but immediately closes it afterwards. She looks at the ceiling and takes a deep breath.

This is for sure anonymous right? The names, my voice and everything will be altered so it can’t be traced to me right? Just call me Jane Doe.

I nod but before I can answer Jane claps her hands in front of her chin and takes another deep breath. She quickly wipes her lower eyelid with her finger.

I’m sorry, I’m just not ready or strong enough to feel so exposed you know? I wanna be able to consent and to decide who can approach me about this and when. And I also think it shouldn’t matter who this story belongs to, it’s real and it speaks about a very tragic reality that I think we need to be aware of.

Adriana’s cousin raped Jane that Saturday night, it was the first and only time they met. He entered the room she was sleeping in and violently forced himself on her. The next morning Jane’s bed was drenched in blood.

I woke up disoriented, like I had woken up inside a reality I was not equipped to deal with. I felt a pulsating pain in my core and didn’t want to move but the bed suddenly felt cold and moist when I shifted my weight. I reached down between my legs and felt an alarming amount of warm blood that made me bolt up.

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to tell anyone and now there was a giant stain of blood in my best friends bed. In that moment I wasn’t even aware of the gravity of the predicament I was in. I found a pad in one of her drawers and tried putting it on until I realized my panties were gone. My immediate concern still remained taking care of the stain because how was I going to explain it? I planned on pulling out the sheets and flipping the mattress but the second I stood up from the bed I felt extremely light headed and realized I needed to be concerned about the bleeding, about myself.

I put on my pants and stuck the pad in there since my underwear was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t process everything that was happening so I just decided I was going to walk to CVS, buy tampons and go home to spend the day with my mom. I wanted to believe that maybe even though I had had sex before, my hymen hadn’t ruptured and this was just that, and it would be fine.

Jane left Adriana’s house at around 6 am without talking to anyone. She walked for an hour down the hill of wealthy abodes in an attempt to reach a pharmacy, but the bleeding was so severe that she had to stop herself and wait for a cab to take her to the hospital.

Things did not get better when I walked out of Adriana’s house like I thought they would. This was before uber and there were no cabs running that early so I had a long walk ahead of me. As I was walking I googled “heavy vaginal bleeding after intercourse”and the results shook me. Menorrhagia. STDS. Miscarriage. Cancer. UTERINE ARTERY RUPTURE.  I felt the tears and the fear simultaneously build up inside me. I slowly put my hand between my thighs and became horrified at the amount of blood I found. The pad that I had put on minutes ago was completely saturated. I picked up a newspaper and shoved it down hoping that it would absorb some of the blood. I couldn’t call my mom but I realized I needed help. None of my friends from the area picked up and so I called my college roommate and told the first, of a series of lies I would later tell about that night.

Jane avoids eye contact as she talks about covering up the rape and saying it was consented. She explains that at the time she was too afraid of the reaction she would yield by telling the truth and how she thought things would get resolved in a smoother way if she abstained from telling the whole story.

It is very common for rape victims to feel shame and in some cases to even blame themselves for what happened to them. This is a direct result of the social construction that surrounds rape culture in which victims are often questioned about their behavior or appearance prior to the rape. These types of questions imply that the victim could have done something different to avoid the sexual assault and thus create feelings of guilt and shame. Some victims even have testimonies of people close to them asking, “Why didn’t you scream or fight?” and again unknowingly placing some of the blame on the victims lap.

I would later find out that my roommate never believed me when I said it was consented sex, but at the time it didn’t matter since she just wanted me to get medical attention ASAP. She found me a cab and I told him I urgently needed to get to the nearest hospital. The driver didn’t say much and avoided eye contact. My eyes had become extremely swollen after all the crying and I was sure I was going to leave a blood stain on his seat. I did but he didn’t say anything, I don’t think he knew how to deal with me.

I didn’t realize that the hospital he dropped me off was for Veterans only, which meant that they would not help me. I realized the cab driver never gave me back my card so this hospital had to be IT. I didn’t have the means nor the time to get to another one but the receptionist didn’t care and asked me to go stand outside.

Jane curses as she talks about the people at the hospital, who could see her blood drenched pants and frantic face but still decided not to help her. Her voice breaks as she describes the feeling of doom and helplessness that she felt in that moment. She takes a deep breath and wipes off her tear stained cheeks.

A doctor saw me crying on the floor and said the single most perfect sentence I could have heard in that moment “Im going to help you, what do you need?” He didn’t ask what had happened, or if I was ok. Questions I didn’t want to answer and questions that wouldn’t resolve anything. He gave me a ride on his truck and took me to a hospital nearby in which his wife was the head nurse. He spoke to her on the phone and promised me I would be in good hands. I stained his truck seat and when I tried to apologize he said, “Sweetie, don’t worry about anything else but yourself from now on, promise?”I wanted to hug him, I wanted to tell him that he might have just saved my life. I wanted to say so much to this stranger that had shown me a kindness I’d forgotten could exist, but I was only able to slur a “thank you” in between sobs.

Jane walked into the second hospital at 8 am and passed out minutes later because of the blood loss. She was admitted regardless of the paperwork she wasn’t able to fill out. The doctors gave her fluids and something to stop the bleeding until she woke up an hour later.

I lied again to the people in the hospital and said I consented and that I didn’t want to call anyone. The nurse frowned and asked if I authorized them to collect a rape kit before they did anything else. I said ok.

A rape kit is a recollection of samples from the body that may contain the abusers DNA or show signs of physical violence. The procedure also includes a pregnancy test, pelvic exam and ultrasound. The procedure must be done as close to the incident as possible in order to be able to preserve the evidence. A rape kit is preserved by the hospital and should aid a victim who decides to press charges. Jane’s rape kit maintains preserved at the hospital she was admitted into even after 4 years. Jane refuses to press charges and doesn’t think the rape kit with the evidence can stand up to a powerful family and an easily persuaded judge.

I mean I’m sure you heard about what happened with Brock Turner, there were witnesses, evidence and a good part of the country watching that demanded justice for the victim. And yet, he still got off with a slap on the wrist because he was a white, privileged athlete. It’s fucking tragic.

I’ll be at a party and at least 5 of the girls in the room will be survivors of sexual assault, that I know of. Yet, I’m never at a party or in a group of people where I can identify someone as an assaulter and it’s because society makes it really hard to prosecute your rapist. It’s not an easy process and legal help is not easily accessible. It’s not something people want to hear and for a while I felt like it was better to remain quiet.

It took me month to talk about, years to tell my parents. Sometimes I ended up feeling worst after I told my story. Many, after hearing about the rape kit, urged me to prosecute because otherwise my rapist would rape again. That type of comments made me feel guilty for not pressing charges and made me feel responsible for all the horrible things my rapist could be doing because of me. It’s taken me a long time to feel at peace with my decision not to prosecute. It’s not up to me to grant anyone justice and specially with a system that values it’s individuals because of their monetary value or the color of their skin.

After Jane underwent all the medical procedures, the source of the bleeding was identified as a severe uterine laceration that required a surgical procedure. Jane’s operation was successful without any complications but she would later face an enormous financial burden because the medicals bills were not covered by her insurance and now with the diminishing Obama care, Jane is struggling to find healthcare that doesn’t label her mental illnesses as pre existing conditions.

My heart really did break when the doctors told me they needed to stitch me up from the inside. I don’t know, I just thought wow, this person literally tore me in half. There’s a very tangible before and after because of that night. I continue to discover ways in which something I thought I could just lie about and make go away continues to affect me. Even now, in a loving relationship and with a partner I trust, my vagina closes up during sex sometimes. The doctor’s say it’s a result from the trauma and muscle memory. I feel out of control a lot of the time because I’m easily triggered into a panic attack or an anger outburst and I hate that I don’t feel like a person that can function normally. For a while I was always crying or angry or numb, and who the fuck wants to be around that all the time?

The people that have been supportive and understanding have really made all the difference but I still think we as a society are not equipped to deal with rape and it’s because we don’t talk about it enough and in enough depth.

Jane stands up and crouches on top of the mirror once again. She pulls up her skirt and lowers her head.

That’s why it blows my mind that I can’t see the scar. I don’t know if the doctors did a great job and it doesn’t even exist or maybe it’s way too deep inside me. I search and think about the scar in an almost obsessive way, it’s weird. I did read somewhere that your skin completely renews every 7 years, and who knows if it’s even true. But maybe in 3 years all traces of him will be gone from my life and I’ll accept that the scar has healed and I’ll stop looking for it.

[grupoaxo]

Jane’s Story

 Jane, 24, is a survivor of a very violent sexual assault that required urgent medical attention. She since then developed PTSD, severe depression and spent a week in a psychiatric ward because of a suicide attempt. Jane was privileged enough to have had access to medical attention and psychiatric attention under Medicaid, but unfortunately this is not always the case for victims and the Trump administration threatens the little available healthcare even more. It’s been four years now since the assault and Jane is doing her best to continue to heal although she can’t afford therapy anymore because she lost her Medicaid and the defunding of Planned Parenthood (which offers group therapy to rape survivors and counseling). Rape may not be something we are able to prevent, but we can improve the way we approach it by understanding and recognizing how heavily it impacts a person both physically and psychologically.

Jane places a mirror on the floor as she prepares to talk about her experience.  Jane carefully takes two tiny steps as she steps onto a mirror on the floor. She lifts up her black dress exposing her bare legs as she crouches down to stare at the rectangular mirror below her. She shifts her weight and moves her head as she intently searches the mirror’s reflection between her legs. 

I can’t see it. I’ve never been able to see it, and I think that’s fucking crazy

Jane says with a sheepish smile, nodding her head, as she pulls down her dress and takes a sit on the floor next to a pile of laundry.

I think it might not be visible anymore, but I remember looking for it a few days after it happened and I couldn’t find the scar then either.

On the second Saturday of May 2013, Jane got on a plane heading to southern California, where she would be violently raped that night. She had planned a surprise visit for her mother that weekend months in advanced.

It was the first flight I ever booked and I felt so excited and in control. My mom had offered to fly me down for mothers day a few months earlier and was disappointed when I told her I wasn’t going to be able to make it. She didn’t know I had already been saving up my tips and had enough money for a round trip and as decent of a gift as my minimum wage job could afford. 

Jane’s eyes gleam with joy as she describes her mother’s excitement when she surprised her that Saturday evening. She picks up a stray shoe lace from the floor and starts wrapping it around her finger as she describes her family’s background with the same joy but now with a hint of longing and nostalgia.

Jane’s father stepped out economically a few years back and declared bankruptcy after some terrible business decisions. Jane’s mother had been unemployed for over a decade but still managed to get a job at a department store and has been making ends meet for Jane and her two younger brothers ever since. Although the cost of living in southern California is astronomical, Jane and her brothers managed to be accepted into one of the districts best schools in the wealthier part of town. The family of three share a one bed room apartment and the kids partake in an hour and a half commute every morning in order to receive a superb education. Jane graduated in 2011 with a high enough GPA to land her a full ride at a University in northern California.

My parents worried that we would be bullied for being latino in a predominantly white school or that it would be hard on us to be surrounded by kids with a beach house, snow cabin and a lake house (these kids were really at the pinnacle of wealth, Im not exaggerating) But I was lucky, and just sort of understood that although it wasn’t my time yet, I could still aspire to the same things those kids did, we were talking the same AP classes after all. Not only did I not feel inferior but I had a really nice high school experience to be honest and built some pretty strong friendships.

The gleam in Jane’s eyes seems to dissipate and her look becomes somber as she talks about her best friend. She continues to wrap the shoelace around her finger, pulling it and making it tighter.

Adriana was my best friend. She lived in a huge house that faced the ocean, but her father was in jail for embezzlement in Mexico City. So her family would hide out in a mansion with an expired visa. I told her I was visiting my mom and she begged me to spend the night at her house that Saturday. My mom reluctantly agreed but asked me to be home early next Sunday so we could celebrate Mothers day. Mothers day.

Jane’s finger has turned purple after being constricted by the shoelace for so long. She stares at it and puts the shoe lace aside. She’s uneasy and opens her mouth as if to say something but immediately closes it afterwards. She looks at the ceiling and takes a deep breath.

This is for sure anonymous right? The names, my voice and everything will be altered so it can’t be traced to me right? Just call me Jane Doe.

I nod but before I can answer Jane claps her hands in front of her chin and takes another deep breath. She quickly wipes her lower eyelid with her finger.

I’m sorry, I’m just not ready or strong enough to feel so exposed you know? I wanna be able to consent and to decide who can approach me about this and when. And I also think it shouldn’t matter who this story belongs to, it’s real and it speaks about a very tragic reality that I think we need to be aware of.

Adriana’s cousin raped Jane that Saturday night, it was the first and only time they met. He entered the room she was sleeping in and violently forced himself on her. The next morning Jane’s bed was drenched in blood.

I woke up disoriented, like I had woken up inside a reality I was not equipped to deal with. I felt a pulsating pain in my core and didn’t want to move but the bed suddenly felt cold and moist when I shifted my weight. I reached down between my legs and felt an alarming amount of warm blood that made me bolt up.

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to tell anyone and now there was a giant stain of blood in my best friends bed. In that moment I wasn’t even aware of the gravity of the predicament I was in. I found a pad in one of her drawers and tried putting it on until I realized my panties were gone. My immediate concern still remained taking care of the stain because how was I going to explain it? I planned on pulling out the sheets and flipping the mattress but the second I stood up from the bed I felt extremely light headed and realized I needed to be concerned about the bleeding, about myself.

I put on my pants and stuck the pad in there since my underwear was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t process everything that was happening so I just decided I was going to walk to CVS, buy tampons and go home to spend the day with my mom. I wanted to believe that maybe even though I had had sex before, my hymen hadn’t ruptured and this was just that, and it would be fine.

Jane left Adriana’s house at around 6 am without talking to anyone. She walked for an hour down the hill of wealthy abodes in an attempt to reach a pharmacy, but the bleeding was so severe that she had to stop herself and wait for a cab to take her to the hospital.

Things did not get better when I walked out of Adriana’s house like I thought they would. This was before uber and there were no cabs running that early so I had a long walk ahead of me. As I was walking I googled “heavy vaginal bleeding after intercourse”and the results shook me. Menorrhagia. STDS. Miscarriage. Cancer. UTERINE ARTERY RUPTURE.  I felt the tears and the fear simultaneously build up inside me. I slowly put my hand between my thighs and became horrified at the amount of blood I found. The pad that I had put on minutes ago was completely saturated. I picked up a newspaper and shoved it down hoping that it would absorb some of the blood. I couldn’t call my mom but I realized I needed help. None of my friends from the area picked up and so I called my college roommate and told the first, of a series of lies I would later tell about that night.

Jane avoids eye contact as she talks about covering up the rape and saying it was consented. She explains that at the time she was too afraid of the reaction she would yield by telling the truth and how she thought things would get resolved in a smoother way if she abstained from telling the whole story.

It is very common for rape victims to feel shame and in some cases to even blame themselves for what happened to them. This is a direct result of the social construction that surrounds rape culture in which victims are often questioned about their behavior or appearance prior to the rape. These types of questions imply that the victim could have done something different to avoid the sexual assault and thus create feelings of guilt and shame. Some victims even have testimonies of people close to them asking, “Why didn’t you scream or fight?” and again unknowingly placing some of the blame on the victims lap. 

I would later find out that my roommate never believed me when I said it was consented sex, but at the time it didn’t matter since she just wanted me to get medical attention ASAP. She found me a cab and I told him I urgently needed to get to the nearest hospital. The driver didn’t say much and avoided eye contact. My eyes had become extremely swollen after all the crying and I was sure I was going to leave a blood stain on his seat. I did but he didn’t say anything, I don’t think he knew how to deal with me.

I didn’t realize that the hospital he dropped me off was for Veterans only, which meant that they would not help me. I realized the cab driver never gave me back my card so this hospital had to be IT. I didn’t have the means nor the time to get to another one but the receptionist didn’t care and asked me to go stand outside.

Jane curses as she talks about the people at the hospital, who could see her blood drenched pants and frantic face but still decided not to help her. Her voice breaks as she describes the feeling of doom and helplessness that she felt in that moment. She takes a deep breath and wipes off her tear stained cheeks.

A doctor saw me crying on the floor and said the single most perfect sentence I could have heard in that moment “Im going to help you, what do you need?” He didn’t ask what had happened, or if I was ok. Questions I didn’t want to answer and questions that wouldn’t resolve anything. He gave me a ride on his truck and took me to a hospital nearby in which his wife was the head nurse. He spoke to her on the phone and promised me I would be in good hands. I stained his truck seat and when I tried to apologize he said, “Sweetie, don’t worry about anything else but yourself from now on, promise?”I wanted to hug him, I wanted to tell him that he might have just saved my life. I wanted to say so much to this stranger that had shown me a kindness I’d forgotten could exist, but I was only able to slur a “thank you” in between sobs.

Jane walked into the second hospital at 8 am and passed out minutes later because of the blood loss. She was admitted regardless of the paperwork she wasn’t able to fill out. The doctors gave her fluids and something to stop the bleeding until she woke up an hour later.

I lied again to the people in the hospital and said I consented and that I didn’t want to call anyone. The nurse frowned and asked if I authorized them to collect a rape kit before they did anything else. I said ok.

A rape kit is a recollection of samples from the body that may contain the abusers DNA or show signs of physical violence. The procedure also includes a pregnancy test, pelvic exam and ultrasound. The procedure must be done as close to the incident as possible in order to be able to preserve the evidence. A rape kit is preserved by the hospital and should aid a victim who decides to press charges. Jane’s rape kit maintains preserved at the hospital she was admitted into even after 4 years. Jane refuses to press charges and doesn’t think the rape kit with the evidence can stand up to a powerful family and an easily persuaded judge.

I mean I’m sure you heard about what happened with Brock Turner, there were witnesses, evidence and a good part of the country watching that demanded justice for the victim. And yet, he still got off with a slap on the wrist because he was a white, privileged athlete. It’s fucking tragic.

 I’ll be at a party and at least 5 of the girls in the room will be survivors of sexual assault, that I know of. Yet, I’m never at a party or in a group of people where I can identify someone as an assaulter and it’s because society makes it really hard to prosecute your rapist. It’s not an easy process and legal help is not easily accessible. It’s not something people want to hear and for a while I felt like it was better to remain quiet.

 It took me month to talk about, years to tell my parents. Sometimes I ended up feeling worst after I told my story. Many, after hearing about the rape kit, urged me to prosecute because otherwise my rapist would rape again. That type of comments made me feel guilty for not pressing charges and made me feel responsible for all the horrible things my rapist could be doing because of me. It’s taken me a long time to feel at peace with my decision not to prosecute. It’s not up to me to grant anyone justice and specially with a system that values it’s individuals because of their monetary value or the color of their skin. 

 After Jane underwent all the medical procedures, the source of the bleeding was identified as a severe uterine laceration that required a surgical procedure. Jane’s operation was successful without any complications but she would later face an enormous financial burden because the medicals bills were not covered by her insurance and now with the diminishing Obama care, Jane is struggling to find healthcare that doesn’t label her mental illnesses as pre existing conditions.

My heart really did break when the doctors told me they needed to stitch me up from the inside. I don’t know, I just thought wow, this person literally tore me in half. There’s a very tangible before and after because of that night. I continue to discover ways in which something I thought I could just lie about and make go away continues to affect me. Even now, in a loving relationship and with a partner I trust, my vagina closes up during sex sometimes. The doctor’s say it’s a result from the trauma and muscle memory. I feel out of control a lot of the time because I’m easily triggered into a panic attack or an anger outburst and I hate that I don’t feel like a person that can function normally. For a while I was always crying or angry or numb, and who the fuck wants to be around that all the time?

 The people that have been supportive and understanding have really made all the difference but I still think we as a society are not equipped to deal with rape and it’s because we don’t talk about it enough and in enough depth.

Jane stands up and crouches on top of the mirror once again. She pulls up her skirt and lowers her head.

That’s why it blows my mind that I can’t see the scar. I don’t know if the doctors did a great job and it doesn’t even exist or maybe it’s way too deep inside me. I search and think about the scar in an almost obsessive way, it’s weird. I did read somewhere that your skin completely renews every 7 years, and who knows if it’s even true. But maybe in 3 years all traces of him will be gone from my life and I’ll accept that the scar has healed and I’ll stop looking for it.

[bwicblog]

RS: / in dreadful news / i am sick / and am going to miss the third opening of daybreak as a result /

RS: / if anyone feels so kindly / as to make themselves useful / please share your folk remedies /

RS: / unless they involve alcohol / i have already tried that /

ID: ...i always heard that you were just supposed to rest through sickness. but i don't think that's a folk remedy.

RS: / well / that seems a marvelous way to stay sick /

ID: does it? i just figured that resting heals wounds. sickness is like a wound right. well, uh. eat a lot? give yourself the energy you need to. not be sick?

RS: / oh / i don't know / why don't you go ask sipara / ? / i'm sure she'd know / RS: / and / haha / i think we can open the floor to other remedies again / i was thinking more / mm / RS: / gargle with coconut milk mixed with pepper sauce / and you will be fine / ? /

ID: sips is busy with traffic i think. but i think i'm probably right-ish.

ID: if your throat is sore i don't think. irritating it with pepper sauce is a good move. wouldn't that just make it hurt more? =:?

RS: / right / ish /

RS: / and / yes / it turned out it did / but it also cleared the / cavity / ? / the snout chasm / y

RS: / the interior tubing /

RS: / ? /

ID: ...you gonna be okay there?

ID: maybe you should now have something cool. to soothe the damage.

DD: oh dear thats very unfortunate are you sure you have to miss the screening i mean also it is unfortunate that you are sick but DD: it is a common remedy so my apologies if you have obviously already tried it but have you tried pressing the tendrils of an eight-tendriled aquatic beakbeast to your throat i find it often helps with clearing up the soreness and swelling though admittedly the resulting circular marks are not the most attractive but they can be covered up with a scarf or choker easily

RS: / you know / the / جَيْب صُدْغيّ / RS: / i am fine / it cleared that / mostly / so / it was worth it / mostly / RS: / i have been consuming water / it's fine / you can't actually burn yourself / i am sure / RS: / / / i have not / but / oh / hm /

RS: / how does that work / ="? /

RS: / =:? /

ID: ...i do not know what that is. and i don't think daz would know either.

ID: and also. uh. daz we don't have aquatic beakbeasts just. on hand. that's a pretty impossible remedy i think.

DD: that is correct i am afraid i cannot read that word and i am still not quite up and about yet so my glasses cannot translate for me DD: and well i didnt want to make assumptions about rs and his location i am sure they are highly prevalent in any seaside locales any pharmaceutical establishment worth their salt must have some

RS: / well / i don't recall it / either form / the interior tubing system / ? /

RS: / well / whatever / you get the gist / RS: / i could find one / thank you / ! / =:) / but / please explain further /

RS: / they live in water / and there are crabs here / so i expect there should be aquatic beakbeasts / ? /

ID: is it like. a special variety of beakbeast. or any of them?

DD: oh um i know the ones i usually might use but i am not sure if maybe the same ones that you should on account of differences in constitution???

DD: try finding a colorful one but like not too colorful and especially not blue i think maybe the blue ones would hurt more than they help

DD: and i think many places have both crabs and aquatic beakbeasts or just one or just the other but chances are that you can probably find one they are not especially uncommon

DD: im sorry im afraid i am not entirely certain about how fragile lowbloods are

ID: ...i for some reason don't think this is such a good idea. what works for seadweller throats might not work for a maroon.

RS: / my apologies / i was temporarily indisposed /

RS: / and / ah / RS: / constitution differences are a touch over played / but / ah / not to cast doubts on your judgment / but /

RS: / aren't the coloured ones deadly /

RS: / ? / it seems unsafe for you to place them on your air passing channel / =:C /

RS: / perhaps if you place it on your wrist / instead / ? /

DD: well i mean they are not all deadly but i mean thats why i said maybe dont get the very colorful ones the degree of colorfulness generally correlates pretty wel lto how poisonous they are but it is the poison that in small quantities helps reduce the illness i think as well as of course the physical stimulation to reduce swelling

DD: and i mean i think probably if you put it on your wrist it wouldnt really do anything unless i guess your wrist is sick

ID: ...maybe you should just try some hot bone broth instead pheres.

RS: / ah / yes / my apologies / dd / but I believe I am a little too / mm / frail of constitution right now / to go out and fetch an octopi / and i don't expect anyone would retrieve one for me / haha / ! /

RS: / but / thank you ever so much / for your explanations / and your attempt to help / it is deeply appreciated / =:) /

DD: oh um youre really super welcome i am just sad that it did not end up being especially helpful and im really sorry that youre feeling that unwell do you think you will be alright i mean maybe i can order a drone or something for delivery if you want

DD: in that i am pretty sure i cant retrieve an aquatic beakbeast for you but maybe a drone can bring some cough syrup or trollbuprofen or something

ID: whoa there, getting fancy with the whole actual medicine stuff now.

RS: / haha / nooo / but thank you / i have been advised against taking drugs from strangers on the internet /

RS: / but /

RS: / the sentiment is endearing /

RS: / besides / i have work to do / i cannot do work if i am asleep / which is what those will do '

RS: /

ID: what sort of work? it can't be. put off for a night so you can recover? =:/

DD: oh dear when you put it that way it sounds a lot more alarming

RS: / but never mind that / that is enough about me / how are you both tonight / ? /

RS: /// the statement on the very top was a joke / by the way / i am aware i forgot an emoticon / but / please trust that i am laughing / in a friendly way /

DD: but also in this case i think i am probably in agreement with hads in that he said earlier that you should probably rest it might not fix you but it will speed up the recovery process and also probably you will feel less awful DD: and yes dont worry haha i understand or i mean i do now at least i was not entirely certain earlier but at least fifty percent certain

DD: i am also not doing especially well mostly due to also physical reasons but i am optimistic about things improving if i just power through this for a little bit and also i am going to get orange juice later like prisma suggested to cheer myself up

ID: also get one of those vibrating bracelet alarms while you're out.

ID: also this is your alarm telling you to eat if you haven't already.

ID: ...i'm doing. stuck in a truck with sips. playing with the radio.

DD: oh right you mentioned that i DD: admittedly am not entirely sure where to find one and i might order it online instead and hope that it arrives in a timely manner DD: also why are you stuck in a truck