#but since im just like. doing this. for another section. as a volunteer.

[okaylorrainee]

her way of water

characters. neteyam & female reader. sully family. tsireya.

synopsis. neteyam and his family left their clan to seek uturu from yours. on their first night, neteyam wanders by the shore to clear his mind. he finds himself away from everyone’s marui pods and comes across you as you bathed - he couldn’t get you out of his mind since then.

contains. i can show you the world moment (you’ll understand later)

note.  i named neteyam’s ikran for him. sorry if you get tired of the word ‘smile’ here lmao everyone’s very happy in this chap. also, im gonna start shutting up about when the next chap is gonna come out, i never end up following what i say (sorry for scamming you all twice) enjoy !!

taglist. @rainbowsocks @mashiromochi @anm3mi @fanboyluvr @anxietydrogz @sakura-onesan @amortencjja @kaealowri @jkeluv @xxlaynaxx @mirikusashes @strangerdangerwrites @hafutoru @inluvwithneteyam

Ch 06 [ previous. masterlist . next ]

you took a few beads from the bowl next to you, placing them on the hair of the child you were braiding. beside you, the other children continued on weaving as they waited for their friend; you had finished braiding all of their hair earlier. 

today was just one of those simple days where you stayed in the village and spent time with the children. the elders you usually hunted with let you stay home for today so you could help out with the others. when you finished the chores that were assigned to you a few hours ago, you volunteered to watch over the warriors’ kids. the way you’ve piqued their interest with weaving and creating ornaments made them look forward to spending time with and learning from you. the children would always excitedly listen to you talk about your adventures while hunting. you loved being with them.

finishing the last braid, you leaned to the child with a satisfied smile and placed your palms on her shoulder. “it is finished. now, come. let me have a look.”

the child stood up and turned to face you, a bashful smile on her face. you patted her head. mayfe was always a shy one. “you look beautiful, dear. will you braid my hair too?”

her pointed ears perked, and she looked at you with anticipation. “you want me to? but i am not good. my friends are better.”

“that does not matter to me.” you tucked a strand of her braid behind her ear. “i want you to do it.”

she grinned happily. “okay! i will do my best.” then mayfe went behind you and quickly began to section your hair.

as she began to work on your braids, you, on the other hand, took the opportunity to focus on something else. 

since your trip with neteyam, you have been working on another ornament piece using the pearls you have obtained together. there were three, but you only used two of them. one for you, and one for him. you couldn’t decide on what to do with the third one yet. 

initially, you planned to create a neckpiece with the pearls you were going to bring home from that journey. but you changed your mind last minute and thought it would be great for both of you to get something from that trip; the ornaments serving as a memento. you had already finished yours yesterday and were wearing them right now. it came out beautifully, a forehead piece with the pearl in the middle. it emphasized your beauty even more, but not enough to take the attention away from your features.

your gift for neteyam was almost complete. with a few more twists and knots to secure the pearl on the cord, finally, you had finished your work. you lifted the accessory up to match your eye level, inspecting it with satisfaction. you hoped he’d like the present you made for him. you were planning to give it to him today.

“it is done!” mayfe exclaimed from behind you. 

you brought your hand up to touch your hair, and she hurried in front of you to take a better look. “i did my best. do you like it?”

“i feel beautiful, mayfe.” you pulled her in for a hug. “thank you!”

she giggled as she returned the embrace. “wait a moment, i will add one last thing.” she pulled away and scurried to her basket that was next to her friends, and you watched her curiously. mayfe came back with a small purple flower. with a large grin, she gently placed it on your hair near your ears, saying, “i found this flower while i was collecting fruit with sa’nok. i will give it to you because you braided my hair!”

“you are very sweet, mayfe. thank you.” you patted her head once again. the little girl flashes a bright smile at you before she hurried to sit next to her friends and join them to weave. 

as you stood up to stretch, two figures made their entrance in your marui. it was kiri and tuk, the latter with a beaming expression as she held her own set of beads. 

“we’re here! are we late?” tuk ran to you with excitement. the little sully had been telling you how she wanted to get to know the other children for a while now, so you thought it would be nice to invite them as well.

“not at all, tuk. come, sit.” you patted her head and gestured to where the other children were.

kiri followed behind tuk as the little girl sat next to the others, greeting them and looking at their work. “thank you for having us. i hope you don’t mind if i’ll be staying with tuk.”

“no, it is fine. do not worry about it. please, take a seat.” kiri gave you a small smile before sitting next to her sister.

“oh, by the way kiri, do you know where neteyam might be? i have something to give to him.” kiri’s eyes traveled down to the accessory you were holding, and you saw how the corner of her lips almost curled into a smirk.

“at this time of the day, i think he’s where our ikrans are staying. it’s his turn to feed them.” she replied with a nod.

“i see. would it be alright if i leave for a few minutes to see him?” 

“of course, go ahead.” she nodded. “i’ll take care of everything here.”

smiling, you replied, “thank you!” and then you hurried off to the furthest left of the island where the banshees were.

the ikrans were aerial predators many na’vi from the other clans bonded with to move through the skies. they were used for battle, for hunting from the air, and for traveling through long distances. they were quite foreign to you reef people because all you needed were in the water; there was no need to fly. the closest animal you had for flight was a skimwing, but even that could not fly high enough.

you had never seen an ikran before, and only when the sullys came did you first encounter one. of course, only from afar, you found them too terrifying for you to meet them face to face. you had this thought that they were aggressive, and you knew that the others in the village shared your sentiments.

but toruk makto and his family could not just abandon their animal companions to cater to the reef people. after all, they were from the forest before they came here. those ikrans are one of the only few things they had that could remind and bring them back to their clan someday. tonowari and his tsahik, ronal, were not cruel enough to exile those creatures. so, they were positioned at an area where no reef people visited often. 

the screeching of the ikrans became louder as you got closer. their wings came into view when they stretched, and already you knew they were overwhelmingly larger in person. a bead of sweat drops from your forehead from the sudden thump of fear you felt in your heart. but you were here now, it would be too late to walk away.

taking a few more steps, your eyes find neteyam feeding a green ikran that had yellow and brown stripes. he was wearing his complete flight gear, perhaps about to take the animal for a little flight trip because he hasn’t in a while. he didn't notice you getting closer, he was busy petting the animal.

“neteyam?” you called, stopping a few meters away from him. you were too scared to get closer.

his head snapped in your direction when you spoke. “oh, hey.” his eyes took you in - your braided hair and the purple flower on your ear; he thought you were so pretty. neteyam cleared his throat and pulled away from the ikran to approach you. “what are you doing here? is there something you need?” 

you gently smiled at him, looking up to face him and his tall height when he stood in front of you. “i have something for you.”

“really?” he asked, trying to suppress the grin that was about to outline his lips. “what is it?”

you carefully took his hand, and with your other, you revealed the accessory you made for him. “for the hand that saved me,” you tied the ornament on his wrist, and neteyam kept his eyes on you, his smile growing larger. “a bracelet with the pearl we obtained together.”

he took his time to admire your work. “it’s beautiful.” he said in a low voice as if he only intended to mutter to himself, but you heard him.

“do you like it?” 

“i do. i will wear it proudly.” neteyam answered with no hesitation. “thank you for this gift.”

“it is nothing.” you smiled again, satisfied with his response.

neteyam finds the pearl on your forehead, and unconsciously, his hand raises up to touch it. “you have made one for yourself as well? this means we are matching.”

you broke away from his eyes, looking at the ocean on your right. but even that couldn’t hide the blush forming on your cheeks. “i did not intend it to be that way so don’t think of it differently.”

he chuckled at your reaction. “alright, alright. but actually, i have something for you too. wait here.”

as soon as neteyam pulled away from you, he ran to where the ikrans were. you watched as he disappeared from your sight when he went behind a sleeping ikran. you couldn’t see what he was doing so you could only wait curiously.

neteyam came back jogging with a huge grin, and with his hand, he held a wooden spear that was decorated with leaves and colorful feathers. you stared at him in surprise.

“this spear is for you. i made it myself.” he presented proudly. “the feathers are from the birds i have hunted a few days ago. i hope it is to your liking.”

you took the spear from him, staring at it in awe. you were touched by his gesture. “oh, neteyam. i love it.” you sent him a grateful gaze. “i did not expect for you to do this.”

his hand traveled to his nape in slight embarrassment, and he looked down, “i remembered how your weapon was snapped in half from last time because of my incompetence.”

you covered your mouth as you giggled. “that is not true.”

a sudden screech from one of the ikrans interrupted your conversation. as both of you looked at its direction, neteyam was quick to hurry to its side. you hesitantly followed him, keeping an eye on the other ikrans that were close by. you almost forgot about them.

you watched silently as neteyam began to murmur to the same ikran he was feeding earlier. this led you to think that this particular one might be his.

“this is yok’o.” neteyam introduced as he continued to pet his companion. “she is my partner. i have been accompanying my parents on their missions with her since i came of age.”

your eyes shifted to the ikran, observing its wings, the saddle on its back, its legs - everything you could to comprehend it. “so ikrans are what your warriors use to fly.”

“yes.” neteyam nodded. “and your warriors use… ilus?” 

you shook your head. “no. skimwing.”

he looked at you, confused. “skimwing? why have i never seen you ride one?”

a melancholic smile finds its way on your face. “i… feel bad for my skimwing companion. i have hurt it.”

neteyam tilted his head. “how so?”

he watched as your eyes shifted to the ocean, looking at the waves that were creating the sounds around you as you tried to form the proper words to explain to him. “when we form tsaheylu with the animals, they feel what we feel mentally, physically, and emotionally, right? they share our emotions.” 

neteyam nodded, urging you to continue. 

“well, when my parents died, i was hit by sadness like no other. everytime i bonded with my companion, it would feel pain in its heart and suffer consequences.” you looked down, and you felt neteyam withdraw from his ikran to focus on you completely. “it is the reason why i have learned to hunt without the help of the animals before. it is the reason why i have learned to hold my breath for so long. i did not want to hurt any of them until i have healed. that is why i stayed by myself and did everything i could alone.”

he said nothing further, and just took your hands in his. neteyam’s action made you look at him. he ran his thumbs on your palms as a gesture to comfort you, then he said with a low voice, “i understand now. you have gone through a lot.” 

so, your talent for holding your breath wasn’t natural, he thought to himself. you had to go through such depression and carry it all by yourself to master it. neteyam had already commended you before, but the respect he felt for you now was deeper than any praise he has known. after all, neteyam knew it all too well to understand how hard it was to deal with everything on your own, especially if it’s about your feelings.

you shook your head with a playful smile to answer him, trying to lighten up the mood. “not as much as you did.”

neteyam didn’t reply and only continued to look at you, observing you in an attempt to review your mood.

“but i am better now.” you reassured him, giving his hands a gentle squeeze when you felt his stare. “i am slowly connecting with the animals again. one day, i will ride with my skimwing, and maybe soon you will too.” 

“yes, you are right.” he nodded. “i have to be recognized as a warrior here soon.” the worry in his face disappears upon hearing your tone. 

“and then, we can explore the ocean together.” the excitement in your voice builds up as you continue, “i will show you many beautiful things. you will love it, neteyam.”

“i like the sound of that.” he stared at you affectionately, adoring your enthusiasm and the way you spoke. “you love the ocean a lot, don’t you?” he felt it. from the way you looked at the water to how you connected with it. perhaps even your affairs every night at the opposite side of the village was a reason for it; neteyam was starting to get the idea.

“i do!” you exclaimed. “everytime i am out hunting or free diving with the others, i see everything. i feel free, and i am happy.”

free? a thought came into his head as he listened to you. his hand moved to caress your hair, you almost leaned to his touch. “i have an idea. are you willing to try it?”

tilting your head in curiosity, you asked, “what is it?”

“something that will help you see more of everything.”

still holding your hand, neteyam guided you to come closer to his ikran and you followed literally right behind him. it screeches again from the presence of a stranger, and neteyam felt you hesitate to get nearer. when he looked back, he saw the worry and fear in your expression. your grip tightened on his hand. “what’s wrong?” he asked.

“am i… really allowed to fly with her?” you glanced at the ikran who was moving its head to the side, trying to get a look at you.

“yes, of course. but do not look at her eyes.” neteyam grabbed yok’o’s chin to keep her steady. “you are not a rider yet. staring may provoke her.” immediately, you averted your eyes away from the animal. neteyam went back to you, “do you trust me to fly with you?”

you took a while to reply, “… i do.”

“good girl. wear this.” neteyam released your hand as he went to take off the riding visor that was resting on his forehead. you stood still as he wrapped its bands around your ears, careful not to ruin the purple flower that was on your hair.

neteyam murmured one final time to yok’o, telling her to keep steady. you swore you even heard him warn her not to scare you too much, but you didn’t comment on it anymore. when he finished, neteyam focused on you again, going behind you to help you get on his ikran. he placed his hands on your hips and counted to three before lifting you up. yok’o obeyed neteyam and kept steady; you got on her with no struggle.

neteyam followed after, climbing up quickly as if it was the easiest thing ever. his legs were right behind yours and he leaned to grab the rope that was in front of you, caging you with his arms. his body was so close to you that you could feel his warmth from behind, you tried not to get distracted.

“are you ready?” he asked as he continued to wrap the strap around his hands.

“i think so.” you hesitantly answered, viewing the ground and how far it was from your height right now. “if i fall and die, i will haunt you, neteyam.” you joked.

the man let out a laugh. “i thought you said you trusted me?” he released the rope with one hand and placed it on your waist, leaning closer to your ear from behind. “but do not worry. i will not let you fall.”

his breath tickled your ear that your face heated up from the sudden contact. you immediately turned away from him in embarrassment. just what is this man doing?!

neteyam didn’t say anything else, satisfied with your reaction. he grabbed his queue from behind him and formed the tsaheylu with his ikran. the animal shook itself from the connection. you couldn’t even react when yok’o sudenly flapped her wings open. before you knew it, she jumped at such a height and began to fly.

overwhelmed from the sudden movement, your hands raised to cover your face. thankfully, you prevented yourself from screaming. otherwise, it would’ve been embarrassing in front of neteyam.

you could feel how his arms and legs were caging you from both sides, as if they were there to help you remain in your place and keep you stable. for some reason, you felt safe between them. you liked it.

the breeze started making your hair fly that you lightly shivered. you felt yok’o steady from below you and it became easier for you to balance yourself as you sat on her. you decided to peep between your fingers, curious to what was happening; what you saw instantly took your breath away.

an audible gasp leaves your lips as your hands unconsciously relaxed unto yok’o’s skin. you took the view in with wide eyes, overwhelmed with its beauty. the vast ocean was meters below you, glistening from the rays of the sun that it was sparkling. the sky seemed bluer and brighter to you, if that was possible. and you found it amazing how high up you were that some birds were even flying with you. 

“neteyam, look!” you pointed excitedly to a group of ilus swimming in a circle, and neteyam shared a light chuckle with you. everything was smaller below you, you felt like you were on top. 

you were ecstatic at everything you saw because you had never seen them in such a point of view; always staring in front of them, never above them to appreciate them all as a whole. neteyam adored your reaction and he felt proud that he decided to do this for you. he was enjoying your enthusiasm for it all even if this kind of view wasn’t new to him.

“this is amazing. i have never experienced anything like this before.” you exclaimed with a large grin. “i can see everything, neteyam!” you opened your arms to welcome the wind, letting it hug you. 

neteyam laughed once more. “this is how we do it back in my clan. your excitement reminds me of the young ones who have tamed their ikrans and flied for the first time.”

relaxing back to your seat, you turned your head to look at him, “really?”

he nods. “yes.”

you stared at him as you pondered for a while, allowing yourself to ease on his chest. “neteyam, i have a question.”

from staring at the view in front of him, his eyes shift down to match yours. he hummed, “yes?”

“do you think that if i ever could, i would someday be able to fly like you as well? you know, if ever.” you shrugged as you looked down. 

a gentle smile didn’t hesitate to form on his lips when he listened to your question. “yes.” he answered with a steady gaze, observing your face from his view affectionately. oh, if you could only see how he looked at you. 

“and i think that you would also make a great member of my clan someday.” your eyes snapped back at him in confusion. neteyam smirked as he looked somewhere else to stir his ikran, “you know, if ever.”

©️ okaylorrainee 2023. please do not re-upload, translate my content anywhere without permission.

ch 06 [ previous . masterlist . next ]

[retaurd]

So sorry if this is an annoying or repetitive question, but I’m in a similar family situation and I was curious if you experience maternal feelings toward your brother? Or if the knowledge that he is your brother and not your son is enough to stave this off? I’ve read accounts from surrogates where they develop a maternal attachment during pregnancy that makes the handoff of the baby really difficult. Was it easier since you’re not really being separated from your brother after birth? Again I’m sorry if this is something you’re tired of explaining, one of your posts about it floated across my dash and scrolling your blog for a while I haven’t seen any posts about it that could answer my questions without directly asking. Have a good one

hi! happy to answer, especially if it helps you in some way

to clarify, just in case: what i did isnt considered a surrogacy, but a gestational carry, because my own eggs were not used in any way. surrogacy, from my understanding now (because i had no idea there was a difference or that surrogacy entailed horrors when i started this ~1.5yr ago) is when a woman gives her own genetic material in the creation of the child, carries it, then the child is removed from her and raised by someone else. what i did was have a lil test tube guy, a week old fetus basically, implanted into me, a fetus that belongs(ed? he ain't a fetus no more) to my parents. all i did was help my mom out with gestating him. basically.

anyway to answer you: i've had a heavy hand in raising all of my siblings since i was about 12 years old so i think i have a weird relationship with maternalist feelings but i'll do my best to answer as clearly as i can because for me those waters are a bit muddied. for me the most clearly maternal i felt was immediately post-birth and i will explain. the entire time i was pregnant i was fine, i had a wonderful peaceful easy pregnancy (im pretty sure comparably, aside from a couple gallbladder attacks) without much stress or anxiety mostly, but the minute i saw him, and specifically saw other people, medical professionals, touching him, i got extremely emotional like rapturously overjoyed and then also extremely anxious. they had to take him a few times for a few tests, some examinations, a bath, et c., and i remember getting overwhelmingly anxious and upset that he was apart from me and that they could possibly hurt him because a lot of them are dumb as fuck but that's a separate grievance for another time

im lucky in that i have him half of the time, im with him during the night and early day and my mom is very very freely giving with him and i am as much involved as she and my dad are, just like with my other siblings. the first night i was home he was with my mom and i couldn't sleep just weepy and wondering what he was doing. literally. wondering what a newborn was doing lol. but after a few days for me this wore off as my hormones settled and my anxiety and worry relaxed about him getting hurt, that was a constant fear for the first like 4 or 5 days for me. sleeping helped my body and mind return to normalcy, i had a c-section so i am still recovering from that and my physical inability at the time also had something to do with my fears i think, i had this sense of inadequacy that i would fail him and being physically vulnerable didn't help

overall now, im fine i think. ask me again in a couple months though, who knows about then. i definitely get all the time with him i want or need. my mom from the beginning has been discussing the possible difficulty with me and i think ive organized things mentally well enough. i never thought of him as anything but my brother so i think that helped as well, i think if i wouldve basically poisoned myself into considering him to be my child it would've made things a million times harder as well as that being biologically untrue.

my parents trusted me to do this extremely important thing for them because i volunteered several times over the course of years and have worked to prove my responsibility to them. so it really felt like an act of love for me, i love them, i love my other siblings, i love the baby, i love everyone. all i wanted was to give more. and from the beginning my parents told me this isn't just their baby, it's 'our' baby, as in my whole family. thinking about it that way helped me too.

i hope this helped. i was very scared at some points and very nervous or fearful but nothing was ever as bad as i thought and i was never presented with anything i couldnt handle. please if you need or want to, come off anon and talk to me. im here for you if you need it, even if it is still anonymous but we are able to talk privately and i can do whatever i can to help, i'd be more than happy to. thank you for coming to me, i hope with all my heart that you're okay and your family too

[quaranmine]

pain and suffering at work pt 2

[cheeriecherry]

Hello!! I read your adhd head cannon and it was so amazing I wanted to request more please! (If you don't mind of course). Please can I request head cannons for Todoroki, Midoriya and Shinsou with a SO with adhd? 🥰

Hecc yeah you can! As an avid adhd-haver, im gonna pour so much of my own experience into this, you have no idea lol

TODOROKI SHOUTO

-He doesn’t know what adhd is, hands down.

-And honestly, he’s probably not going to notice your symptoms and habits until after you start dating.

-He probably just figured that you’re a more energetic person than most, more chatty and more excitable.

-It’s not until you guys are curled up on the couch together watching a movie that he’s like ‘are you okay? You’re fidgeting a lot’. Upon which time you’ll have to tell him you have adhd...and maybe explain what exactly it is.

-He’s pretty chill about it, doesn’t think you’re weird or anything, or judge you for it. To him, it’s just a Thing, y’know? It’s a part of you, and he likes you.

-If you’re having a bad time, and you tell him ‘it’s the adhd’ he’ll be kind of surprised, because he still doesn’t know the depths of what it does. He probably didn’t know it could have such negative effects, too.

-That’s probably when he’ll start doing a little googling, asking basic questions to the internet about how adhd impacts people, and eventually he gets down to the really specific personal experiences that people have posted about.

-It’s a learning curve for him, but he starts to pay more attention to you and your stress, and give you more credit when you’re able to work through things that might set you off. He’s not patronizing about it, but he gives you light praise after classes and when you work with him to finish you homework.

-You’ll have to direct him on how to comfort you when you’re overwhelmed, since it can vary so much from person to person...and he’s not really the best at giving comfort anyways (at least not in the beginning). He’ll do whatever you ask him to, and he’ll get you whatever you need, but you’ll have to ask him for it.

-He gets better at it once he starts learning your tells, and what methods calm you down, but he’ll still ask you if something is okay for him to do (like hugging you, or turning on/off some music, shutting the window, etc).

-TL;DR he knows 0 things but he’s more than willing to learn, if it’s for your sake. He wants to know more about you, and your life, and the things you go through, and he’ll stick around to help you as best he can. Just be patient with him.

MIDORIYA IZUKU

-He might not know much about adhd, but he is, out of everyone, the most willing to lean about it. Arguably he’s got a few common symptoms of it himself, but he’ll probably never connect the dots.

-He’s observant and makes note of lots of small things, so even before you start dating he knows you struggle with things. Paying attention, sitting still, getting things done. He’ll offer to help you with homework if you need it, or he’ll volunteer to train with you if you need to burn some energy.

-Partially because it seems to help you a bit if you have someone else to do things with and keep you motivated, but also partly because he just wants to spend time with you.

-He’s definitely a friend before he’s your boyfriend, so you probably tell him about your adhd before you’re together. And he does what he can to help, but it’s not until after you’re a couple that he really goes ham.

-Spends several hours reading every article and account he can find about adhd, every scientific paper, every medical website, every personal story. Like he does with heroes, he’s really into learning whatever he can, to the point where his knowledge becomes more extensive than most.

-Ngl though, the first time he actually witnesses you having some kind of stimulus-induced panic, every single tidbit of information exits his head. Every coping strategy, every calming procedure, every breathing exercise. No thoughts, head empty.

-It’s something you both laugh about after, when he admits that he actually did a lot of research but he panicked when the moment came. You think it’s sweet how far he was willing to go for you, to know more about you.

-From then on out, he pays more attention to you than to the things he’s read on the internet. He learns about your tells, and your habits, and the things that you struggle with. 

-His favourite part of your adhd is when you’re excited about something and you info dump to him. He’s just so genuinely interested in what you have to say, and he admires the passion you have as you speak.

-He also thinks your excited fidgeting is cute, the way you can barely contain yourself when you’re looking forward to something.

-Plus, he thinks you’re a tough opponent during training. Once you’ve honed your skills a little, your reflexes are fast and your thoughts come quicker than most others’. You’re creative and inventive, after having to work around so many obstacles in your life already.

-TL;DR he goes out of his way to learn about you, and loves you as you are. He might not always know how to help you, but he’ll always try. He respects you and admires you, as both a person and as a hero.

SHINSOU HITOSHI

-Weirdly enough, he’s probably the one who knows the most about adhd. Like, more than the average person, and beyond the stereotypes.

-He picks up on your habits pretty early on, but he doesn’t say anything. Partly because it doesn’t concern him so it’s none of his business, and partly because he doesn’t want to be rude (you’re also just another obstacle for him, in the beginning, before he lets himself have friends)

-Ngl, he probably thinks you can get kind of annoying, before you start dating. But in that same thought, he doesn’t understand why he cares so much. Like, why can’t he just tune you out like he does everyone else? Everyone else gets restless sometimes, everyone else can be kind of loud, so why is he so focused on you???

-It’s because he likes you, but that’s besides the point.

-Once you guys end up together, he still doesn’t say anything, but now it’s more because he figures that you know that he knows. You don’t really make an effort to hide any of your habits, and he’ll take the time to step in and offer you help if you need it, so.

-But after you’ve had a bad day, and you’re breaking down and your emotions are out of control, you finally cry to him and admit that you have adhd, as if it’s some bad and terrible thing.

-He’s kind of just like ‘...I know??’ and you’re like ‘//surprised pikachu’

-But it makes sense, he always knows when you’re getting overwhelmed with something, and he tries to break your homework up into sections so it’s not too much at once, and he always takes you on walks at weird times of the day. You had no idea that he did those things because he noticed you were getting stressed or restless.

-He’s also really good at tight, comforting hugs. you’ll...probably have to ask him for them, but after he turns a little bit pink in the face, he opens his arms and tucks you up safely. If his sweater is big enough, sometimes he’ll let you squirm into it and he’ll hold you like that.

-He’s just chill about the whole thing, and he’s probably the most in tune with you and adaptable to your needs. He doesn’t make a big fuss about it, because it’s just a thing that needs to be constantly dealt with. He doesn’t judge you for it, and after getting close to you he stops being annoyed.

-Though he was never really annoyed because of your adhd, he was annoyed because he couldn’t stop thinking about you.

-TL;DR he’s the most adaptable out of everyone, and he helps you out in little ways that can reduce your stress and energy before you explode. In the event that you do bubble over, he’s good at comfort and good at finding quiet soft places to whisk you away to while you settle down. He cares about your wellbeing, but he’s not over the top when it comes to offering you help. He makes it seeming kind and compassionate, rather than patronizing, and you know that his actions speak loudly of his love for you.

[withkun]

visage | j. jaehyun

genre: enemies to lovers... kinda? with some fluff and smut :) word count: 5.2k  pairing: reader x jaehyun warnings: graphic hetersexual sex (oral, penetration, etc), swearing, excessive world building summary: Your first day of work at your first real job began terribly. You hadn’t got enough sleep, you could barely eat your breakfast, and you managed to get lost on the way. Soon, you discover you’re working alongside serial charmer Jaehyun Jung and that he will stop at nothing to be the best. 

a/n: this is a mess im sorry lmao. i somehow managed to use jaehyun 86 times in here ... girl...

You felt completely, utterly, and hopelessly lost – all on the first day of your first real job. That morning, you awoke two hours earlier than you had to. If you had a choice, you would’ve face planted into your pillow and died right there. However, your anxiety decided against it. And with that extra time, you managed to pull off an extended morning routine. A warm, long shower. Ten-step skincare routine. Eggs, toast, and black tea. Despite your attempts to regain your confidence, all was lost as you circled the office building.

           The orientation guide you received hadn’t helped much. All you knew was that you should report to building B. Whichever building that may have been, you had no idea. Your feet grew weary and you cursed yourself for wearing heels. You rounded the corner of the office park for your fourth or fifth lap, only to be cut off by an overdressed jackass. Before you could sidestep him and continue your hopeless journey, the perpetrator turned to face you.

           “Oh, no. He’s hot,” you thought to yourself, praying your cheeks weren’t stained red. Despite wearing a well-tailored gray suit, you realized that he was likely your same age. He took in your slightly disheveled appearance, probably noting your ruffled hair and askew skirt.

           He tilted his head in the direction of the closest building. “Are you here for orientation, too?”

           Of course he had to be in your hiring class. Twenty-two and already looking like he owned the building. You nodded, then turned on your heel to rush inside. Trailing your steps, you heard him chuckle lowly.

           You finally joined the rest of the new hires in the security lobby, managing to fix your appearance before you reached the door. To your gratitude, they dressed similarly to you. Just plain business casual. The boy you met earlier definitely stood out, making the others wonder if they hadn’t dressed well enough.

           Within ten minutes, you all received security badges and shuffled into your orientation room. You preferred the back, whereas the business boy sat directly in the front. Rolling your eyes, you realized his game. You met plenty of people like him in college, ruthless climbers that destroyed everything in their paths. He knew he had to make more than an entrance, he had to make an impression.

           You grew to dislike him more and more as your training sessions progressed over the course of two weeks. An insufferable know it all, answering all the questions managers prompted. Volunteering for everything first, unafraid. You on the other hand, did not find his actions necessary. He left a glowing impression, yes, but you found it meaningless. Like hell the trainers cared about how well you completed your general training. Maybe he wanted everyone to relate this to his future performance, for you to watch out for his dominance. For you to fear him. Worst of all, he saw you struggle with the most simplistic task on your first day.

           He easily made friends within the group, as there were plenty others like him. All recent college graduates, fantastic resumes, and working for one of the best companies in the field. You, on the other hand, did not have such luck. Your social circle consisted of yourself and another quiet trainee, a quiet finance major named Doyoung. The two of you kept to yourselves and became the outliers of the group, so much to the extent that you sat alone for training sessions.

           Two weeks came and passed, and you finally received your team assignments. You found your name on the bulletin, right next to Jaehyun Jung’s. Of course. It had to be this way.

           Jaehyun approached the bulletin board aside you, and grinned as he found his name. “Looks like we’re working together,” he commented, still wearing the same expression. You realized why he appeared so happy. People like Jaehyun would not recognize someone like you as a threat. You barely appeared on his radar.

           You grit your teeth and forced a smile. “I look forward to it.”

           With your whorish luck, you found that your desks were right next to each other and you’d be essentially working back to back. You already hated being watched, and Jaehyun could easily look over his shoulder and see you struggling to keep up.

           Jaehyun settled into his seat with ease, already look at home in his new desk. You sat gingerly on your office chair, gathering your surroundings.

           Your desks sat right in the view of your department lead’s office, likely to Jaehyun’s excitement.

           Being on the same team, you and Jaehyun had the rest of your training sessions together.  Just you two and your manager. He always seemed to grasp the new concepts immediately while you merely pretended and made notes to ask Doyoung later.

           They assigned your first project sometime later, one that you and Jaehyun would have to complete jointly. You dreaded it, knowing he would try to take over the project.

           That first morning, Jaehyun was already at his desk. You glanced at your watch, nearly scoffing as you read off 6:59. Despite having the ability to make his own schedule, Jaehyun chose to arrive before seven. You collapsed into your desk chair, jealousy eyeing Jaehyun’s full coffee mug. He already had time to help himself to coffee. Typical.

           “Morning,” he greeted, fully awake and energized. “I set up a meeting for 8 today to start working on the project.”

           You powered on your desktop, mentally groaning at the hundreds of emails present in your mailbox. “That’s…fine,” you murmured, praying that you could address all your client emails in a measly hour without the aid of caffeine.

           He glanced behind him to see you hunched over and lifelessly typing. “I’ll make that 9.”

           And yet again, you were caught in a moment of weakness. Great. “Yeah, okay.”

           Those two hours passed slowly, but at least you managed to prepare a cup of tea. By 8:55, Jaehyun already settled into the conference room and wrote diagnostics on the whiteboard. All while you still went through your emails.

           You joined him, a fresh cup of tea in one hand and your laptop in another. “All right, I see that you’ve already set up the basics,” you said monotonously, nodding towards the whiteboard. “I conjured up some of my own ideas as well.” Without prompt, you rose and added a few bullet points under Jaehyun’s “approaches” section. You scanned his ideas, noting that they weren’t bad, but not what you had in mind.

           “I see,” Jaehyun commented, still standing. He put his hands on his hips, carefully mulling over the options. “They’re quite good.”

           You felt ashamed of your satisfaction for his response, but also surprise. He sounded genuine enough, but you knew that his type always had some angle to work. Prodding you board at your second option, you decided, “I think this is our best bet.”

           Jaehyun remained quiet for a moment, eyes flickering across the board. “What if we combined a couple?” he inquired. He pointed to your idea, then his. “It would streamline the process more holistically.”

           “Holistically??” you thought. You hadn’t heard that word since high school English class. It was so painfully pretentious to you.

           He went on to explain how it would work, but you were still caught up on the pure obnoxiousness of the word “holistically.”

           “Y/N,” Jaehyun tried. “Hello?”

           You blinked, finally hearing your name. “Sorry, I was thinking about how this will impact everything.” A lie, Jaehyun didn’t need to know how long you caught yourself on a single word.

           “So, what do you think?” Jaehyun leaned against the wall, eyes searching yours.

           Oh god, now you were thinking about his eyes. Pushing those thoughts aside, you answered, “So long as we put a heavy emphasis on my part, I think it’ll work.”

           He agreed and you went on, mostly working quietly. You avoided asking him questions, even when you became desperate. Jaehyun, meanwhile, tried to engage you in small talk.

           “Where did you go to college?” he asked, to which you gave him a one-word response.

           “Are you from here?”

           “Do you have a boyfriend?”

           “What was your major?”

           You barely answered, but he failed to get the point until he finally inquired to something relevant. “Did I do something that offended you?”

           You drew in a breath, fumbling for the right words. If you were honest with him, you wouldn’t have to put on a façade. If you lied, you wouldn’t get on his bad side. Even pretty boys like him could be ruthless if given the opportunity and reason. You saw it before, you knew you would see it all over again.

           “No,” you decided, pulling on a tight-lipped smile. “I just want to do really well on this.”

           That last part, at least, wasn’t a lie. You felt that you had to prove yourself, especially against the Jaehyuns of the world. If only briefly, you saw his relief. His face relaxed a little, and his shoulders lost some tension. “Me too,” he agreed.

           The following month went on similarly. You completed the project quietly, only interjecting to make corrections and provide your input. When you finally reached the day of your presentation, your nerves caught you once more. You woke up far too early and arrived at the office at the same time as Jaehyun. A new record.

           If he was on edge, you couldn’t tell. Outwardly, he appeared the same. Nothing could take away his quiet glow of confidence. Jaehyun worked, unbothered, sipping his coffee almost casually.

           “Are you ready?”

           Jaehyun turned to face you. “Never been readier.”

           You raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if readier is a word.”

           With a shrug and smile, Jaehyun returned to his work again. Odd, considering he was always chatty.

           You attempted to mimic him, to work without doubts and review your notes. But your hands shook as you tried to type. You knew you couldn’t focus until you finished the presentation.

           Although you hadn’t noticed him leave, you saw him approach your desk. Jaehyun gingerly placed a styrofoam cup on your desk. Your eyes met his. “Jaehyun?”

           “Just some tea before the presentation,” he explained. “I noticed you like black tea with honey.”

           You brought the cup to your lips, delighted to find that it was the perfect temperature. For once, you didn’t care about his motive. “Thanks,” you said. And you meant it.

           He gave you wink. “We’ll be great today.”

           You hoped he was right.

           The presentation crept up on you suddenly, much faster than you had anticipated. Jaehyun found you outside the conference room, where you managers and team lead had already gathered, pacing and talking to yourself.

           “Are you okay?”

           He caught you again, there was no use in denying the truth. “Absolutely not.”

           Jaehyun laughed lowly and put a hand on your shoulder. A part of you wanted to shrug it off, but you felt a strange comfort. “I’m nervous, too.”

           You almost burst out laughing. Like hell he was nervous. But his concession, fake or real, made you feel some comfort.

           Having reeled yourself in, you entered the conference room together.

           And together, you made it through the presentation. You both had prepared excessively, ready to answer any question thoroughly. Management applauded your efforts, declaring that you had exceeded expectations. They rewarded you with a gift-card to a nearby steakhouse and urged you to celebrate together. Hastily, you attempted to invite the managers, only to be declined. They had work to complete in the office.

           Your cheeks lit up red with embarrassment, but you agreed to make reservations for that night.

           Jaehyun offered a ride over, to which you vehemently wanted to reject. Before the eyes of your manager, you took him up. You assured yourself that he was still the same person you knew. Nothing different. Nothing could’ve changed that. Seeing his car certainly helped. You never knew any recent college graduates that drove a Tesla, and yet…

           Once you arrived at the restaurant, you quickly ordered yourself a martini. You didn’t care which one, so long as it had plenty of alcohol. Jaehyun simply ordered a beer, quoting driver safety commercials. “Just this,” he promised you, then proposed a toast. “We pulled it off.”

           You drank your martini with gusto, and then prompted the waiter for another one. Jaehyun watched as you became drunk, consistently grinning as began to ramble. “You know I hate you, right?”

           Your question caught him off guard. “You hate me?”

           With a smile, you brought the martini glass to your lips. “You’re too perfect and try too hard.” His expression fell, but you forged on. For months, he made you feel inadequate and beyond anxious. You befuddled mind justified this bluntness. “Every day feels like a goddamn competition.”

           Jaehyun reached across the table, taking your hand. “I had no idea,” he admitted quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

           “It’s whatever. You’re no different from most in our hiring class.”

           With a sigh, Jaehyun took an elongated sip from his beer. “They’re not all bad.”

           Despite the alcohol coursing its way through your system, you realized that a few strands of hair fell out of place. He hunched over, brows furrowed, lost in thought. It wasn’t the first time you saw that either. Just out of your periphery vision, you saw him buried in work while you finished the project. 

           Jaehyun swept his hands through his hair. The way he bit his lip made you wonder if he was holding himself back. And the waiter arrived with your meals before you could muster a response.

           You sat in silence, Jaehyun haphazardly cutting his steak. He refused to look at you.

           As you absentmindedly twirled your pasta onto your fork, Jaehyun finally spoke up. “I’m not perfect, and you’re not easy to work with either.”

           “Excuse me?” You couldn’t conceal your anger at this sentiment.

           Jaehyun met your gaze, eyes determined. “You had to control every part of the project. Had everything your way.”

           That, you had heard before. And you absolutely hated it. “We did well on the project because of me,” you said defensively. “Lest you forget.”

           The two of you went on bickering like this, angrily finishing your meals and drinks. The waiter hesitantly approached your table, and you demanded the check. The sooner you could leave, the better.

           Once paid, you managed to not storm out of the restaurant. But you wore a disgruntled expression and balled your fists.

           You reached your work parking lot, and instantly ejected yourself from the Tesla. It wasn’t until you reached your car, however, that you realized that you didn’t have your keys. Probably left it in the passenger seat.

           Angrily, you stomped back to Jaehyun’s space where he twirled the keys around his index finger. “I’m not letting you drive. You drank too much.”

           You gritted your teeth. “I sobered up plenty.”

           Jaehyun approached you and held a square device in front of him.  “Well, then you can prove it.”

           You yanked the breathalyzer from him, not bothering to ask why he had it. Made sense for someone like him. With a groan, you realized he was right. 0.1.

           Not wanting to admit it, you continued your enraged march to the nearby retention pond where a lone bench sat in front of the water. You crossed your arms, and bitterly stared at the water from there.

           Jaehyun followed you, leaning onto the back of the bench. “I didn’t know this place existed.”

           You laughed bitterly. “It’s because you never leave your desk. You’re always working. Always networking. Always trying something.”

           To your surprise, Jaehyun appeared to calm down from earlier. He regained his flawless demeanor. “It takes me a lot longer to do things.”

           Well that, that took you off guard. “Doing extra work,” you said, making a weak attempt to correct him.

           “No.” After a long pause, he asked, “Do you really hate me?”

           His tone made you feel some guilt. “Don’t you hate me?” you shot back, remembering his comments at the restaurant.

           “I don’t,” he affirmed. “I never have.”

           You considered that. In your college career, you made plenty of enemies with the same behavior. Those times, you ensured yourself, were valid. Those classmates never completed their work and simply didn’t care about the performance. You had been left with ten-page papers to complete on your own. You turned poorly written trash into works professors recommended for publishing. But you knew Jaehyun wasn’t the same as them at least.

           Behind Jaehyun, the sun had just begun to set. The sky lit up with orange and pink hues. “I shouldn’t have taken over the project,” you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper. A part of you hoped he wouldn’t hear.

           “Oh,” Jaehyun said softly.

           You gave him a warning expression. “Do not let that get to your head. You came into this job with an agenda.”

           “Jesus Christ, Y/N,” Jaehyun groaned. “Where the hell are you getting these ideas from?”

           You couldn’t bear to look at him, imagining the smug look on his face as he basically told you that you were crazy. “People like you are always ruthlessly ambitious.”

           “And what am I like, then?” Jaehyun mused.

           Without skipping a beat, you explained, “Attractive, charming, overcompensating.”

           You could feel his eyes boring into the back of your head, and just knew his smug smile made another appearance. He chuckled and said, “Sounds like you.”

           “Funny,” you mocked. “Last time I checked; I’m only overcompensating less outwardly.”

           He joined you and took a seat on the bench, stretching his arm over the top of the bench. Only inches away from being on your shoulders. Disgusting. “You’re wrong.”

           Without prompt, he suggested a game of twenty questions. Jaehyun clarified his intent, stating that perhaps you misunderstood each other. Sensing your doubt, he held his pinky finger out and searched your eyes. You hesitantly connected your pinkies and brought your thumb to your lips, both promising to be truthful.

           “Do you think I’m good at my job?” you inquired first, eyes cast out to the sparkling pond.

           Almost instantaneously, Jaehyun firmly answered, “Yes.” You concealed your satisfaction, biting your lip to prevent you to smile. “Do you think I’m good at my job?”

           You replied almost as quickly, “Of course I do.”

           The questions got progressively less serious, some among the likes of favorite movies and which books you were currently reading. Somehow, you felt relaxed. Jaehyun didn’t feel like competition, but rather just a normal stupid boy. He let you have another try at the breathalyzer, and you felt relief in the .05 reading before you. At the same time, you wanted to remain beside him.

           “I don’t think I hate you anymore,” you conceded, accepting your words as truth. “If you stop coming off as perfect all the time.

           He let out a laugh, a sweet sound of joy and relief. “Hey, you come off as perfect too. You were just quiet around me.” With a devilish grin, Jaehyun ventured, “Is it because you think I’m attractive?”

           You glared at him from the corner of your eye. “Are you trying so hard because you find me attractive?” you challenged him.

           Jaehyun turned his body to face you. “That depends on whether it’s working.”

           Now games like these you didn't mind as much. A harmless game of chicken, testing your limits. Work had its difficulties, but boys? Easy. You cupped his cheek, amazed at how soft his skin felt to the touch. Your eyes met, beckoning the other to try something. "So, this is why you asked me if I was dating anyone?" you dared. "Under the guise of getting to know me and making small talk. I thought someone as perfect as you would have more...subtlety." You let the last word slip out of your mouth slowly. Registering his surprise, you continued, “I don’t forget things easily, hence why I’ve been able to hate you so long.”

           Jaehyun grinned cockily, placing your hand on his chest. You felt defined muscles straining against his button-down. Already, you figured his body would match the rest of his veneer. “You really have nerve being out here like this,” Jaehyun overserved, gesturing the office park a short walk away.

           “Oh, uncomfortable here?” you drawled playfully, then took his hand. “I know somewhere you may like.”

           You felt a wave of confidence wash over you, and you realized this what you assumed Jaehyun had always felt. Then you decided that you’d make it up to him one way or another. He followed you, only letting your hands detach as you got closer to the infamous “B” building you worked in. You noted his nervousness and gave him a reassuring smile. “Trust me,” you urged.

           Entering through the side door, you managed to avoid security. Your entry would appear on a log, but you could easily bristle over it and say that you forgot your laptop at your desk. Most of your coworkers avoided the stairs, so you led Jaehyun away from the elevator. Though, you had forgotten that you were wearing heels. You struggled up the steps by the second flight, clinging onto the railing for dear life. Jaehyun noted this, but said nothing as he swept you into his arms.

           “I wish you did on the first floor,” you joked. “Or maybe I could’ve just taken them off.”

           Jaehyun refused to let you down until you reached the fourth floor. Whenever you found yourself in a vulnerable state, you hid out beside the decommissioned wing. The unused nursing room featured its own bathroom and a small futon. Having visited the location so often, you knew that the cleaning staff rarely came by. You asked once and discovered that they only visit at the beginning of the month. No one else ever came by in your experience. It appeared that only you knew about this place, and now Jaehyun. “This is where you run away to,” he deciphered. “I always thought it was the café.”

           “I prefer privacy.” You leaned against the door as Jaehyun took in his surroundings. “And I wanted to go somewhere you couldn’t find me.”  

           He fell back onto the futon, looking at you in awe. “Just when I think I know you.”

           You fumbled for the lock behind you until you heard a distinct click. “Do you remember when you first met me? When I was so stupid and got lost?”

           Jaehyun rose, appearing concerned. “I didn’t know. I just thought you were cute.”

           He cornered you against the door, body close enough to feel your shaky breath. All that time just hating him when you could’ve been seducing him for the purpose of hindering his goals and ultimately find the truth much sooner. You wasted so much time, held so much resentment. In front of you, you saw a seemingly perfect boy study your movements, waiting. A position you would have never imagined yourself mere hours before. Yet, you saw it all in hindsight and perhaps always knew the truth. It was then that you decided that you didn’t want to play games anymore or mull over an agenda.

           Jaehyun angled his chin downwards, gazing into your eyes with a mix of emotions. Excitement, fear, desire. You kissed him, gently and slowly. More carefully, you wanted to know him in this way. Feel the way his lips moved against yours, his increasing heart rate. He rested his hands on your hips, gripping them as if he couldn’t support himself without them. Soon after, you wrapped your arms around his neck and gradually deepened the kiss. These moments you shared felt like high school, so unassuming and simple.

           You pulled away, resting your forehead on his. You caught your breath and entangled your fingers with his. “I’m sorry,” you murmured.

           He idled, drawing kisses down your cheek and neck. “For what?” Jaehyun ventured.

           “For not knowing you until now, and maybe still not knowing you.”

           With his thumb, he drew circles on the back of your hand. “Do you want to know more?” he asked, his voice quietly sultry.

           “Yes,” you whispered. With this admission, Jaehyun’s butterfly kisses became more daunting. He crashed his lips upon yours and held you closer. Your tongues soon met, messier and carelessly. Feeling daring, you ran your hand under his shirt, digging your fingernails against his abs. A bit lower, and you realized he was straining against his slacks. 

Jaehyun bucked under your touch, gasping against your lips. You gripped his clothed cock with more certainty than before and Jaehyun fumbled to reach your breast. Still against the door, you held each other. “We’re lucky this room is soundproof,” you commented, noting your precarious position. 

Not waiting for his response, you quickly undid Jaehyun’s belt followed by his zipper. You tugged his pants to his ankles and brought your attention to boxer-brief covered erection as you supported yourself on your knees. Laying a flat tongue against his balls, you drew a line from shaft to tip. He sucked in a sharp breath and watched you with hungry eyes as you finally removed the final layer of clothing. 

His erection sprung upwards, precum already forming. Zealously, you took the tip into your mouth and ran your tongue over the wet slit. You leaned back, seeing Jaehyun absolutely desperate as he stood over you. Continuing, you wet his dick with sloppy kisses. You wanted him to have everything, feel every part of your mouth. With one hand on the base, you craned your neck to take in more of him from the tip. You used your whole body to rock your mouth further down his dick. When he reached the back of your throat, you gagged slightly but didn’t care. Gently at first, he began to rock his hips. Becoming restless, Jaehyun held your head and pushed his erection further down your throat with messy thrusts. You looked at him with wide eyes, conveying for him to continue. 

Jaehyun instead picked you up as if you weighed nothing and placed you precariously on the couch. While naked from the waist down, you were still fully clothed. Wasting no time, Jaehyun ripped your blouse off - buttons and all flying wildly around the room. He pulled your bra cup down to reveal a nipple, to which he immediately pinched between his fingers. Already excited, he removed your black jeans and panties. Jaehyun lowered himself to your glistening pussy and brought a digit to his mouth before pushing it inside you. The penetration left you unwinding as he added another finger. He curled his fingers upwards, each push and pull hitting your g-spot. As you thrashed, he held you down with a firm hand, especially after he began sucking on your clit. In mere minutes, he brought you to your orgasm. You wished you had the words to describe the way you felt that immense pleasure, but nothing would ever be sufficient. 

Breathlessly you beckoned Jaehyun to the bathroom. “I have an IUD,” you confirmed. With your new found trust, you knew Jaehyun wouldn’t even attempt to sleep with you if he had an STD. There, you gazed at him from the mirror. Watched him approach you and run his hands up and down your body. He positioned one leg so that you were half propped over the sink and still standing on the other. Jaehyun’s dick teased your aching pussy as he dragged it from your folds to your clit to your entrance. Both facing the mirror, your eyes locked as Jaehyun pushed himself fully in you. You both drew in strained breaths. Once he ensured that you adjusted, he fucked you. Neither of you ever watched yourselves have sex, but you were even more turned on watching Jaehyun clutch onto your tit and whisper obscenities in your ear. 

“You’re so fucking hot,” he growled, burying himself deeper in you. 

Jaehyun slowed his pace, suddenly lifting you and pushing you against the wall. He supported your entire weight as he fucked you there. 

“I’m going to ride you,” you said breathily, to which Jaehyun obliged immediately. He sat up straight on the futon, leading you to his cock once more. In that position, you put yourself to work. You bounced atop his dick, only stopping to grind your clit against his pelvis. You came unexpectedly, the sensation getting fucked and stimulating your clit becoming too much for you. Jaehyun and you both were surprised when a stream of liquid sprung out of you. 

With his mouth agape, Jaehyun looked at you. “You can squirt?”

Before that moment, you would’ve answered that no, you couldn’t squirt since you never had. Until then. He registered your shock and turned you so that your back rested against the futon. Jaehyun hovered over you, hair askew and face reddened. You imagined that you appeared the same. He kissed you, breathing “I don’t know how I got so lucky,” on your lips. 

Jaehyun unraveled quickly in this position, and you urged him to come on your tits. Following his orgasm, you attempted to clean yourselves up in the bathroom. “Everything smells like sex,” you observed, frivilously spraying Febreeze everywhere you could. Between futon cushions. The door handle, Jaehyun’s general direction. You didn’t realize you were shirtless until you saw a mess of buttons on the floor. 

A weak solution, but Jaehyun offered you his suit jacket. You’d have to walk out of the building crossing your arms and praying a nipple wouldn’t escape, but something. Once the room was clean, Jaehyun and you fine-tuned your own appearances in the bathroom. Neither of you looked refined or polished, but human. 

“I want more,” you admitted. 

At the same time, Jaehyun asked, “Can I buy you dinner?”

You shook your head. This version of Jaehyun, the one messily fucking you in an office nursing room, you preferred. “I just want to spend time with you.” 

Jaehyun smiled and agreed.

You left the room separately as to not arouse any suspicion. Jaehyun met you outside your car, once more carelessly spinning your keys. The sun had set by that time, leaving you both shrouded in moonlight. Despite the sun’s absence the air remained warm and inviting. “We’re going stargazing,” you decided. “After we change.” 

Jaehyun arrived at the agreed upon park first, sporting a loose shirt and Adidas joggers. You never had seen him dressed so casually. He already set up a blanket at the top of the hill and rested on his back. 

You wore a nearly identical outfit, and went without makeup. Normally, you hated it when your partners saw you without anything on. But you wanted Jaehyun to see this part of you, too. Despite living in a well-populated city, the stars appeared very clearly that night alongside a waxing crescent moon. 

“Do you think the managers set us up?” Jaehyun pondered, wrapping an arm around your waist as you joined him. 

“Without a doubt. And we’ll probably have to tell them about this at some point.”

And he kissed you again. How many times that night, you lost count. Looking at him, the image of the boy you met months ago flashed before your eyes. The one with the suit, the dashing smile, and dough-like dimples. You, a nervous wreck getting in her own way. 

You fell asleep on his shoulder that night, head buried in his neck as he snored quietly.  

[backseatsiren]

A Dramatic Day

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here! There are a couple of reasons: first, my life has reached brave new heights of busy - I was promoted to Editor in Chief at work a bit over a year ago, and my responsibilities there obviously take a lot of time. I’m also teaching more courses than usual at Berklee (right now, one section of Film and TV and two of Game Design Principles), and, as usual, I’m training grappling on top of it all. Plus, naturally, the ambulance. I’m hitting my tour hours, and proud to do it, and as pumped as ever to be an EMT in this neighborhood.

I’m also... very, very, VERY slowly *actually writing a book* about all of this. I’ve begun interviewing a few fellow EMTs, mainly volunteers, about what it is we do. Because of how insane my schedule is, it’ll be a very long term project, and I can’t put any pressure to finish soon. But, especially through the pandemic, I’ve felt a desire to document and interview and report on the idea of volunteer emergency medical services in New York City, here in Brooklyn and Queens, and I think other folks might be interested in reading a bit about it.

But I’d like to get back into the practice of writing about calls and concepts and experiences. As always, I’ll respect patients and patient privacy, and will never reveal identifying information or anything inappropriate.

Today was a fairly busy day, but it started with a bit of a dramatic call. We were called to an unknown, and flagged down by a bystander. A man called us over and told us that he saw a man lying on the train tracks (a less-used track, not the subway or commuter rail or anything). He said he regularly feeds a colony of feral cats there, and noticed the gentleman lying down the way.

We thanked him and high tailed it over, yelling out to him (the usual “sir are you ok?”). My more experienced (many, many years in EMS, including at a much higher level of certification) partner took a look at him and said “he might be dead” and began looking forward a pulse. He went for more help (another ambulance was arriving and they needed to be directed over, the physical layout of the space was weird), and he instructed me to look for a pulse. I did, and found nothing. My other partner (a newer EMT, just cleared for CC status, who I also love working with), said “he’s cold to the touch.”

It was raining lightly. The tracks were a little slick, and there was some litter. It’s early may, and the grass had that beautiful sheen on it, that it gets in the rain. Weird things, visual and sense memory things, are coming back as I write about it.

He was lying down on his face on the tracks. I checked for a carotid pulse again and felt nothing. I checked his hands - they were closed and held tight. Rigor Mortis. I checked his arms, his coat, his clothing, careful not to mess with anything, but looking for lividity. He was bleeding from his face, and, on inspection, his face was very clearly badly injured, bruised, and bloated. I was wearing an N95, but even so, you could smell that he was deceased.

I told my more experienced partner that when he arrived with the other crew. We inspected the scene - noting a shovel and some other tools. There was a little encampment nearby - possibly where this man lived. Beer and food in a little shelter.

It certainly looked like foul play was possible. I learned a few minutes later (on my next call) that the cops did start an investigation there.

As one of the other EMTs from the other crew noted, it was “like a movie scene.” Something about the rain and the light, the way the blood pooled, the way the ants crawled around in it... was surreal. It may have been my less experienced partner’s first DOA when they were first on the scene (it wasn’t mine, but it was certainly the first *outdoor* DOA where I’ve been first and had to help establish that). It was my first suspected murder scene.

And yes, it was deeply sad. There’s some initial adrenaline, for me, in every call. There would be more on my other calls today. There is a voice in my head that repeats a lot of the basic instructions and goes through scenarios: “ABCs” (a note to always prioritize airway, breathing, and circulation). I think about what happened in any given situation and what I should do for my patient. I look for threats to everyone’s safety. And when I can breathe and get a clearer picture of what’s going on, that’s when I can start to process things a bit.

We covered him with a clean sheet from the ambulance and did all the things we needed to do. We talked about it a little, after the call. But I always need to think about things for a few hours after, which is what I’m doing here, by writing about it a bit.

I’m a deeply, empathetic person. I feel for my patients. The call I’m about to talk about - the very next call - required that of me in a different way. But in this scenario, I want to first do everything right for the person and situation, and next, be as respectful as humanly possible. This poor man died - was very probably killed - and was left outside in the rain. I don’t know much about his life, and very little about his death. The whole scenario is very sad, and very surreal.

Every time I’ve had a dead patient, it’s stuck with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget my first, a woman who very probably died of a heart attack or in her sleep, and her son found her. He was mourning. He was on top of the body, hugging her, crying “I’m sorry, mommy,” and there’s... I guess there’s nothing on earth like that. Nothing like that kind of pain. People, as a rule, do not expect to see their loved ones deceased, and when we do, we usually have a ceremony for it.

I’m just a bystander to that. I can do nothing to help the deceased person, and very little for a mourning loved one, besides being a respectful, empathetic human presence. For my deceased patient today, all we could do was establish that he was dead and do the proper things to ensure his remains would be taken care of (and his death investigated).

My next call was very different, but it was heavy in a different way. We got a call for, basically, a suicidal young woman. We arrived, with PD, to her door. The officers assessed things to an extent, but she revealed that she had been traumatized by police in the recent past, and didn’t want any police in her home. I talked with her calmly, and was able to relieve the cops and take this one, with my partner.

We listened to her. She had obviously been through some extreme trauma and needed mental health resources. I won’t reveal any details here, but I had to keep assuring her that I had no handcuffs and wasn’t interested in taking her against her will. She was terrified of being taken somewhere she didn’t want to go, and I basically sat calmly with her and talked to her about her options. Just talking. Just listening.

This is a case, like a patient a couple of years ago, where I’m very happy to take my time. I’m a volunteer, man. I’m not grinding through a shift for miserable pay, as most EMTs are - I’m here because I frankly want to be useful in this manner.

And I’m happy to sit with a person going through emotional hell, because this is what I can help with. I’m five years into being an EMT with RVAC. I do this 2-3 shifts per month, so I’ll never be the fastest, best, EMT in NYC. But I can be the most patient EMT, and I can give plenty of extra time to a person.

I’m not a therapist, and I don’t pretend to be. That’s what I told her - first, that I’m not a cop, I don’t have cuffs, I have no interest in taking her if she’s of sound mind and doesn’t want to go. Then, second, that I’m no doctor, and no therapist, and that I want her to have resources if she needs them.

We talked more, and did more vitals, and she decided she wanted to come to a mental health facility. We explained every step of the process to her, and what she could expect, and what to bring.

Do I wish I was an actual therapist who could help this girl right away? Yeah. Do I wish I had the ability to make mental health policy that provides good, effective, supportive therapy to all human beings who need it? Yeah. Do I wish I could do better for her than an ER with psych specialists? Where she could easily get lost in the cracks or simply never connect with what she truly needs? Yeah.

I can only take her to a place where people are at least trained to assess her and offer her further resources. I can only hope they actually can help, and do so.

I had another call where we did a bit of *psychological first aid* not long after that. A dramatic scene! A young woman fainted at work at a store, and several people were surrounding her and holding her at the scene! Folks were holding her hands and crying.

It looked wild at first glance, but our patient was completely ok - we got her out, had medics assess her completely, and brought her to the ER while assuring her parents that things looked ok. Her mother was extremely upset, and we had a bit of a language barrier, but we were able to assure her and let her know things looked ok, that her child had very promising vitals and EKG readings, and we just needed the ER visit to make sure.

The medics helping us out were INCREDIBLE. They offered a full walkthrough for us of what was going on physiologically with her and gave a very helpful tip on scenes like that - give bystanders little jobs (just simple stuff, like holding the door, or looking for something like a towel) to do! It helps (caring, kind, just want to help) folks feel helpful when they get scared, especially in dramatic-looking situations.

A lot of drama today. A lot of learning. I felt really good about taking charge with my psych patient and helping her to feel safe and able to make her own decision. Im glad we were able to help our young fainting patient. And as much as it’s heavy, I’m glad I was at least on scene today for our first call. I know I can do nothing but confirm obvious death, but, I take some heart in the kind bystander who called for him (the gentleman who feeds cats nearby).

At least someone cared enough to try.

I’m forever grateful for my partners, for the folks who have taken the time to teach me (back when I was VERY green and still, to this day, as I am learning every single shift), and for the patients who trust me to do my best for them. 

I noticed today, this month marks five years of doing this, with my volunteer corps. I can only hope I learn more and become a more effective EMT as I go.

[ardentaislinn]

Yuletide Letter 2020

Hi! I am also ardentaislinn on AO3. Thank you so much for volunteering to write one of my chosen fandoms! I really can’t wait to see what you come up with. Most importantly, I hope you have fun writing whichever of my fandoms it is. Any suggestions I make here are optional.

Here you’ll find:

My general likes

My DNWs

And prompts for the following fandoms:

Peninsula: Train to Busan 2 (2020) - Jung Seok, Min Jung, Joon Yi, Yoo Jin

Stranger | 비밀의 숲 - Hwang Si Mok, Han Yeo Jin

Kingdom | 킹덤 - Prince Lee Chang, Seo Bi

Illang: The Wolf Brigade | 인랑 (2018) - Im Joong Kyung, Lee Yoon Hee | Kim Seo Hee

A quick note on the Korean names - I’m fine with however you choose to transliterate them. Hyphen/no hyphen, Shi Mok/Si Mok, etc. Just do what you are comfortable with and I’ll adjust no problem. No need to add the honourifics, though

My likes:

I love getting together fics most of all. I love almost every kind of trope (fake dating, slow burn, rivals-to-lovers, “unrequited” pining (that is really requited), found families, etc.) Also, casefic, epistolary fic, consent, forbidden pleasures, beta heroes, bed sharing, masquerades, military kink, physical imperfections, ladies being badass and female relationships (whether romantic or friendship), relationships that build tension before exploding, equal relationships, trapped together, competence, communication, U/RST, positive endings.

You may notice from the below that my ships mostly involve sweet and occasionally broken men being head over heels for awesome ladies, (and usually not feeling worthy). So that dynamic is strongly encouraged.

I also like smut, but it certainly isn’t a necessity. For smut, I’m (sadly) fairly vanilla. But I like light bondage, cunnilingus, shower sex, and accidental/consensual voyeurism, (Particularly guys taking matters into their own hands when they think they can’t be with their lady, and the woman stumbling across him mid-act. Possibly my favourite kink ever? Writer’s choice whether the woman joins in or gets embarrassed)

Happy endings (or at least hopeful endings) are preferred. Like, super, super preferred. I don’t mind angst at all, but it kinda has to be on the way out of the darkness by the end.

Dislikes/DNWs:

Miserable endings. Major character death. Baby/Pregnancy fic. Humiliation. Drug use/drug mentions/addiction. Self harm/abuse. Non-con/rape. Heavy kink. A/B/O. M-Preg. Incest. Bestiality, animal harm etc. Underage sexual content. 1st person POV (unless for epistolary). Not big on high school AUs or Rock band AUs. Unbalanced power dynamics in ships without acknowledging/exploring that. (This effects one particular ship below, which I’ll discuss in more detail in the fandom section).

I think that’s it?

And so, to the fandoms, in no particular order:

Peninsula: Train to Busan 2

Jung Seok, Min Jung, Joon Yi, Yoo Jin

While maybe objectively not as good a film as the first one, I still enjoyed the hell out of it. Given that it was essentially a cross between Escape From New York and Mad Max, what isn’t to love? I loved the expansion of the world and the clever uses of zombies in the chase scenes. And I loved that the message was that being logical and self-sacrificing isn’t always the right choice - sometimes you should be driven by heart and empathy. And I really liked the idea that anything can mean happiness when you love and are loved in return - particularly in regards to Joon Yi, but also Jung Seok (and his found family?).

What would interest me the most in this fandom is post-movie fics. But if you wanna do a canon divergent/au thing, I’d be cool with that, too. Some prompts:

Joon Yi struggles a lot more than her sister to readjust to a “normal” life

In order to stay together after being rescued, Jung Seok and Min Jung have to pretend to be married

After four long years of loneliness, Min Jung just wants to be touched

Jung Seok isn’t surprised to find himself in love with Min Jung - and wanting to be a father to her girls - but is he good enough for them? He’s left them behind once - can he forgive himself? Can Min Jung?

The zombie plague escapes from Korea - and Jung Seok, Min Jung, and her girls are the closest thing to experts on how to fight back and contain it that the authorities have. Will their nightmare never be over? Or is this a chance to end it once and for all?

With Min Jung in hospital while her leg heals, Jung Seok suddenly finds himself a surrogate father to two very unruly girls.

Stranger | 비밀의 숲

Han Yeo Jin, Hwang Si Mok

This show is just so good, and Si Mok and Yeo Jin - and their relationship - is a big part of that. He’s logical and doesn’t feel things the way most other people do, but that doesn’t mean he’s given a free pass to be an asshole. He’s a good man who always does what’s right. And Yeo Jin is just as smart as he is, and equally committed to doing what’s right, but in a different way. They make a perfect team.

I love how much they absolutely, completely, trust and respect each other. Si Mok cares about her as much as he is capable - probably more so than he cares about anyone else. There isn’t any drama or jealousy or anything like that in their relationship. They are both practical adults. But it doesn’t mean they don’t have a deep bond. I do ship these two - and would love getting together fic if you can!

Prompts:

Yeo Jin will probably have a tough time of it from now on. How will Si Mok support her through it?

How will Yeo Jin and Si Mok keep in touch now that he’s moved away again? Late night phone calls that slowly become more intimate? Texts or emails (epistolary style)?

In the last episode, there was a hint that Si Mok had a prophetic dream. What if he really did develop a power? And Yeo Jin was the only one he trusted with the truth?

What if Yeo Jin and Si Mok had to travel somewhere for an investigation - and there’s only one bed…

Si Mok isn’t incapable of noticing when a woman is attracted to him. But what if that woman is Yeo Jin? Do they try to make a friends-with-benefits arrangement work? Or do they like each other two much for that?

Everyone already knows Yeo Jin and Si Mok are close - but why do their friends suddenly think they are dating? What’s changed? And how do they stop the rumours - without disappointing all the friends who were hoping they’d finally become a couple?

Yeo Jin had drunk one too many shots of soju and thought she might never see Si Mok again - so she’d jumped his bones and snuck out before he woke, full of regrets. But what happens now they have to work a case together again?

Feel free to bring in the other characters, too, as long as Yeo Jin and Si Mok remain the focus! I love the various dynamics they have with the people around them.

Kingdom | 킹덤

Prince Lee Chang, Seo Bi

Like with Si Mok and Yeo Jin above, so much of what I like about these two is that they are great characters separately - but work so well together as a team. They trust each other. He has great faith in her abilities and respects her so much. And she is loyal to him and respects him in return because she knows he’s a good man and a good leader.

I also love how the show uses both politics and horror elements, both to best advantage. It’s so well-written and compelling.

Now, I can see how this ship skirts close to my “no unbalanced power differentials in relationships” DNW, since he’s a prince, and she’s very much not royalty, so I thought I would clarify my position on this. I would most like fic set after he gives up his place in the royal family, since I think that mitigates basically all the issues. Even though I don’t think he would have intentionally abused his power over her, and Seo Bi was never particularly deferential to him, it still would have effected the relationship. Now that they are on more equal footing, there may be some lingering, residual issues surrounding this, but I feel like it’s at the level of bringing some interesting angst into the equation without feeling icky, if that makes sense.

Prompts:

Lee Chang and Seo Bi are somehow transported into modern day Korea. How will they adapt?

Both Lee Chang and Seo Bi have seen horrifying things - and they have the nightmares to prove it. How do they help each other through?

I feel like there are a million stories you could tell within the time jump at the end of the second season. Seo Bi and Lee Chang are travelling together, but no doubt keeping their mission to find the resurrection plant a secret. Are they pretending to be married? Is there anything Lee Chang has to adjust to now that he’s no longer, technically, the crown prince? How are they making money? Is Seo Bi hiring out her medicinal knowledge, while Lee Chang sells his sword? How far will they go to find the answers they seek?

The properties of the resurrection plant are still largely unknown. What horrors will they have to face next, now that another outbreak is looming? 

Lee Chang decides that Seo Bi needs formal fight training - and takes it upon himself to teach her.

What moments of levity can they find together amongst the horrors?

Lee Chang knows he shouldn’t think of Seo Bi in that way - they are colleagues, and despite everything he is still from a royal family. He needs her too much to risk everything because of his desire. But oh, how he wants her…

Illang: The Wolf Brigade | 인랑 (2018)

Im Joong Kyung, Lee Yoon Hee | Kim Seo Hee

So much about this movie is absolutely my jam. The action scenes, the exploration of what desperation can drive people to, the unclear loyalties that are slowly revealed. That whole sequence when they first meet and spend time together is like a distillation of so many of my favourite things. He sees her and is just instantly gone on her. And she for him. And from then on it’s just a quiet, intense longing between them. They are so aware of each other, every sense drawn towards the other. But he’s so broken, and he sees himself as more animal than man. And it’s revealed that she has equally deep wounds, too.

An argument can be made that at least some of it was an act, of course. They were both trying to deceive each other after all. But I think it’s pretty obvious that there were real feelings there, particularly because she tries to warn him that he’s walking into a trap, and he comes back to save her. Maybe even they don’t know how deep their feelings go, or the other’s feelings, but the audience knows.

And yet...I’ve seen it twice now, and the ending is still no clearer to me. Like, is he dead? It doesn’t seem like it, since both she and her brother saw him at the train station. But maybe he’s like a guardian angel now? And if he’s not dead, where did the shot come from? A hidden gun? The sniper? And most importantly of all, if he’s not dead...why aren’t they together??? Like, aren’t all the potential impediments to their relationship gone by that point?

So, I guess most of all I would like fic that makes more sense than that ending - preferably by giving them the happy ending they deserve.

Prompts:

Joong Kyung watches over Yoon Hee from the shadows - but she always knows he’s there. How can she convince him to come into the light, and back into her life?

Yoon Hee’s brother gets himself into trouble, and the only person she can turn to for help is a man she hasn’t seen in too long - Joong Kyung.

Joong Kyung now walks the line between the living and the dead, but he can’t stay away from Yoon Hee. (Paranormal/magic AU?)

Has there been too many lies between them to make a relationship work? Neither think they are worthy of the other, but when they are pulled back together (to give evidence for an official inquiry?) they can’t quite keep their distance.

Joong Kyung is on the run, and he doesn’t know who to trust - except the one woman he’s never forgotten.

Misunderstandings and lies abound between them - but what happens when they are trapped together and must wait for rescue?

If you don’t want to do a post-canon fic, how about canon divergence? What would have happened if the phone hadn’t rung in that warehouse at that moment? Might Yoon Hee have told herself that she could use her body to prove her loyalty to him? And might Joong Kyung have told himself that it couldn’t hurt to succumb - that it didn’t mean anything?

I think that’s everything. Thank you so much!

[theramseyloft]

hey there, found your blog through a friend. ive been scanning your blog and patreon, and i felt like reaching out because, well... you're basically living my dream life, haha. i would love to do work like you do, rehabbing birds and training them, especially as companions/aids for disabled folks. pretty amazing! do you mind if i ask how you got started? is it an expensive venture? do you own farmland or live in a suburban area? im gonna send this before i take up too much of your time, haha. :)

I have raised ALL kinds of animals, but it was rats that lead me to pigeons.

I’ve had fish, herps, and inverts most of my life, so the way rats, mice, and Gerbils were able to bond with me felt really special.

Rats being the most intelligent and cooperatively social

When I had to stop raising small mammals, I wanted a pet that would similarly enjoy handling. Like, be happy/excited to see me when I got home, more than just wanting out.

Warm blooded, but non mammalian left birds.

Psitticines are wild animals that have needs WAY beyond our capability to meet, so they are all firmly on the no list.

I enjoyed Zebra finches, but my husband and I are sound sensitive, and he finds their song physically painful.

We can’t have chickens where we live...

Ringneck Doves ticked all the boxes for what I needed in a companion bird:

Docile/tractable Small/easy to house Easy to feed Physically incapable of biting or making painfully high pitched noises.

Turns out I was wrong about that last one! That’s pigeons. XD

We learned this with our first ringneck: An ANCIENT rescue and his wife named Nigel.

What a story those birds had!

My dear hubby was dubious about letting me raise another species, but after some shared research, was ok with me fostering some unwanted ones and finding them a new home.

I found them on Craig’s list, with cage and all.

When we went to pick them up, their owners explained that they had been unwanted, but traditional wedding gifts they felt they couldn’t refuse.

Ten years later, their owners had long ago gotten tired of caring for them, and just wanted them gone.

Their parents had purchased the pair when they retired from a magic show, and had had them as long as the couple could remember.

Having since sold white ringneck doves to magicians, I’ve learned that a trained dove retires between five and ten years of age, depending on temperament.

The parents were reported to have owned them for 15-20 years.

And the owners we picked them up from had had them for ten.

Making this pair of white Ringneck doves at LEAST 30 years old.

After this history, the wife brought them for us to take.

They were in a filthy black finch cage that had been left on their owner’s back porch long enough for a colony of fire ants to bring their own dirt and build a camp-nest in the bottom.

The birds were actively being swarmed and stung.

It took me a full thirty minutes to pull all of them off the two ancient doves...

It was touch and go for a bit, but they pulled through, and we found a home for the hen.

The cock, Nigel, had a twisted beak and the WORST coo!

High pitched and severely nasal, it could bore into your brain through ear plugs. >v<

He LOVED us, though, and liked to sing us the song of his people! At random. On Mike’s shoulder, directly into his ear.  All hours of the night. During the day, up where we couldn’t reach him. Even through trying to shoo him off his favorite perch...

He had SO much personality, and even though his song caused both of us severe physical pain and prevented us from sleeping, we could not help growing to dearly love him back.

Mere weeks after my Dear Hubby decided he wanted Nigel to spend the rest of his life with us, his time ran out.

He passed very suddenly, in our arms.

We mourned him. Lamented having so little time.

And we considered where to go from there.

We decided to find a breeder, so we could get little peeps and have the maximum amount of time with what felt like the perfect pet for us.

I had no idea they could be parent raised and still be tame, so I raised that first pair like I had my Zebra finches in College.

We took them home just feathered enough to keep warm and fed them formula.

Gordon and Sasami were those babies.

And they were such a delight, we wanted nothing more than to share with the world how wonderful hand raised dove could be.

So I got the Dear hubby’s permission to seek out more breeding pair.

Between what I could buy and what I could raise, we ended up with 8, and then eventually 16 pair.

There was not much knowledge about keeping them as house pets, or their behavior, beyond what it took to get them to reproduce.

It was common at the time, and still is, to treat Ringneck Doves like small pigeons: Keeping them in large decorative flocks in an out door pen.

It was only through raising the young of my 16 pairs and letting them grow out free flying in the middle room of my home that I learned that these long since domesticated birds could be tamed through socialization from a young age, like a puppy. 

But more importantly; just how vehemently anti-social they are!

One or two Ringneck Doves can be perfectly happy in an enclosure, but there should NEVER be more than two in any space where they can make physical contact!!!

They are VICIOUSLY territorial!

Every pair NEEDS to be an an individual enclosure, with ABSOLUTELY no way to make physical contact with any other bird, including and especially their own weanlings!

The second even their own peeps are fully self feeding, the parents start to mercilessly attack them, hell bent of driving out what they now see as an intruder invading their space and stealing their food and food from their future babies at any cost, up to and including killing them!

The actual Bird of Peace is the Rock Dove: the wild ancestor of the domestic Pigeon.

Two years after I started breeding doves, I started showing them. You can really only show doves in their own section of pigeon shows, and after seeing all the beautiful variation in pigeons, I was smitten. 

I brought home my first pigeon egg from my second show: a Portuguese tumbler hen laid it in her show cage, and I was shocked to find that breeders usually just threw those away.

Pugsly was hatched by a pair of doves, and he was amazing.

Friendly, outgoing to the point of being obnoxious, adorably, delightfully funny.

SO much more personable than the doves!

At another show, I picked up some Classic Old Frills.

Them some Old German Owls a year later.

Then some Old dutch Capuchine.

The more breeds I worked with, the more fascinated I became with the differences in the temperaments of different breeds, and the more I found I enjoyed working with the pigeons.

I knew we had used pigeons for lots of interesting studies.

Like this one about the development of heart disease!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/07/060729133950.htm

This one, using training tosses of urban homing pigeons wearing special back packs to monitor lead pollution

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/07/160719144733.htm

But these using their natural pattern recognition as a diagnostic tool for human diseases:

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/pigeons-can-spot-breast-cancer-medical-images-180957323/?utm_source=facebook.com&no-ist

https://www.audubon.org/news/how-common-street-bird-could-coach-doctors-against-bad-diagnosis

Led me to finding this article.

https://www.audubon.org/news/the-origins-our-misguided-hatred-pigeons

And it hit me like a ton of bricks: 

Pigeons are not native to North America.

European settlers and immigrants brought them.

They had already been domesticated for thousands of years by then.

There is no such thing as a Wild pigeon in North America.

They are the avian equivalent of the street dog problem in Mexico: 

Generations of domesticated animals entirely dependent on human hand outs or left overs for survival, with no shelters to take them in or sterilization programs to prevent more unwanted individuals from being born into a hostile environment that can’t support their numbers.

As long as I have bred any species of animal, I have been active in rescue, rehabilitation, fostering, and finding homes for unwanted individuals of that species.

For me, the two just go hand in hand.

I started volunteering for the local wildlife rehab as soon as I started breeding, initially using my domestic doves (that will raise absolutely anything) to foster orphaned Mourning and Eursadian Collared Doves: hoping to prevent them from bonding to me so that they could be soft released.

When it became known that I raised pigeons, I started getting calls for them too.

Ankhou was the first that needed really hands on care.

He arrived with a baby Mourning dove.

He and it were both recent orphans. 

The wild native dove baby is well muscled, and the appropriate size for its age.

Ankhou, at 4 weeks old, should have looked like Pippin:

undefined

You can pretty accurately compare the difference between rehabbing a Mourning Dove and a Pigeon with the difference between rehabbing a grey fox kit and a stray puppy.

Like a grey fox, the Mourning dove is a native wild animal. It is absolutely vital to keep direct human interaction to the absolute minimum because developing a dependence on and friendliness towards humans will get them killed.

Either immediately and out right by hunters, or more slowly through malnutrition.

Puppies are not expected to survive in the wild, and absolutely NO rescuer would raise a puppy they found behind a garbage can or in a dumpster to weaning and nurse it to health only to dump it right back in the ally.

So I absolutely REFUSE to abandon a rescued pigeon by dumping it right back on the street it barely escaped from with its life and it honestly sickens me how many pigeon rescues advocate doing exactly that to any pigeon that doesn’t look purebred or fancy enough.

Feral Pigeons not being wild animals, and being an INTENSELY social and touch oriented species, it would not only not have been beneficial, but out right cruel not to interact with tiny, emaciated Ankhou.

Ankhou was going to take a VERY long time to catch up on enough of his development to safely find a home, so we ended up adopting instead of fostering him.

I spent a lot of time holding and talking to him, and he bonded so closely to me that the became sensitive to my anxiety attacks and started alerting for them.

He also started responding appropriately to requests, as if he actually understood them.

He had pretty severe separation anxiety, and if I stepped into the quarantine room to deal with a bird that might be ill, he would panic the moment his line of sight was interrupted.

If, however, I took the time to tell him “Ankhou, I need to go into quarantine. I will be back. Wait here.”, he would sit down in front of the door and wait quietly until I came back out with sterile hands.

This got me curious, and I started researching pigeon social and cognitive development.

As it turns out, they have a shockingly human society.

A pigeon flock is a large, extended family of birds. 

Young birds don’t split off when they wean. They join the flock, forming a close knit friend group among the other weanlings from whom they will select mates as adults and with whom they will learn to find food, water, and nest materials and what to do with those.

Very like human children moving out of their parents’ house and forming bonds among their peers.

Pigeon society is an efficient democratic meritocracy.

Communication on the wing is INCREDIBLY efficient

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/06/150609213053.htm

They vote on nearly EVERYHTING

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100416214045.htm

And if a leader proves to be ineffective, or a navigator inaccurate, the flock can and will vote to demote them.

https://www.audubon.org/news/in-homing-pigeon-flocks-bad-bosses-quickly-get-demoted

Pigeons are absolutely CRAZY-Smart!

Pigeons are capable of high level cognition. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2009/…/090212141143.htm

To the extent that they understand the concepts of space and time! https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2017/…/171204144805.htm

They are self-aware enough to distinguish themselves from other pigeons, able to recognize themselves in photos, video, and mirrors AND differentiate between the three. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2008/…/080613145535.htm

Their brains are wired SHOCKINGLY similarly to ours: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2013/…/130717095336.htm

They categorize things and learn the equivalent of words the same way human toddlers do!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2014/…/140402095107.htm https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2015/…/150204184447.htm

They can even learn to read written language well enough to differentiate between a real word and an acronym with the same number of letters.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2016/…/160919111535.htm

They are pattern mapping social learners.  Exactly like we are!

Building on this list of scientific studies, I started to experiment with teaching  each successive generation of the resident pigeons to understand the basics of verbal communication by the same mechanic as one would a toddler.

And in just the last two years with Ankhou, I have learned that they can literally learn to understand both spoken AND written human language, and literally all it takes is talking to a pigeon as if it is a nonverbal human toddler who does not know that word yet to be able to teach them to understand object words, action words, emotion words, names, and locations.

Pigeons are pets you can literally communicate to in your native language.

It is absolutely amazing!

Ankhou was not trained to alert for my anxiety attacks.

He literally did that AND started alerting me for blood sugar spikes entirely on his own.

Not even a pigeon hatched in a human house hold. A feral.

No special genetics. No training what so ever. 

Just a pigeon being a pigeon: bonding with what he considered a flock mate, and getting worried when he noticed something was wrong.

Which made me wonder: What would happen if specific traits conducive to bonding with humans and being sensitive to their emotional state were selected for in a population?

What if those birds were given at least basic communication training? On top of the matching we already do by temperament.

I’m actually working on documenting our finances and plan to discuss them in more detail at the end of the month.

Just taking in rescues to foster is an expensive process.

You need to have quarantine space that keeps new birds as completely separated from your residents as possible.

You need a vet who is either experienced with or willing to learn to treat pigeons. Each new bird will need, at absolute least, a fecal test for parasites.

You need to have dip on hand for external parasites, and the funds to buy what ever wormer, anti fungal, antibiotic, or anintimicrobial is required to treat what ever the fecal exam turns up.

Which could legitimately be all of the above, as I have had one individual come in with two species of lice, two species of intestinal worms, coccidiosis, AND salmonella, all at the same time. I have had several others come in with Trich or thrush in place of or in addition to the coccidia or salmonella.

Most will come in malnourished or injured on top of being sick and/or parasitized.

You REALLY have to plan for the worst with rescues.

Because taking in animals you cannot house or feed or for whom you are unable to provide the necessary medical care is NOT rescuing them.

It is subjecting them to the exact neglect that rescuers intend to save them from.

It is REALLY easy for big hearted people to find themselves overwhelmed and exhausted trying to save every one, and that is something every one who wants to rescue needs to keep in mind for the sake of their health as much as the quality of their care.

I live in a trailer park in Ga, on a little plot of land just big enough to say I have a front and back yard.

The modest inheritance my parents left me and my sister when they passed funded the loft being built, and my husband’s job pays for what ever daily maintenance and veterinary care that bird and harness sales and my Patreon can’t cover.

It was designed around comfort and disease prevention for them and pain management for me. It really makes my day to know that people have enough interest in my work to ask detailed questions!

It’s a bit of a bear for an autistic woman with ADHD to get to a bunch of them all at once, but I still REALLY want to hear them and am THRILLED to get to answer!

It’s easier for me to answer in detail if I can focus on one question at a time, though.

There is absolutely no limit to the number I am willing to answer, so don’t be afraid to flood my inbox with a ton of individual questions. ^v^

[theasgardianbuckylaufeyson]

Marvel Preferences~ Your First Meeting

Tony Stark: This was the first business meeting Toni has been to in a while but it was the only one that he actually gives a shit about. This deal was to merge his company with a well known home technology corporation. All he could focus in as her walked into the board room was how much safer this would make everyone and how much easier it would make his job protecting said people. Only those thoughts are wiped completely from his mind when he seen you sitting in the chair opposite his. You on the other hand seemed rather unimpressed by the arrival of your soon to be business partner. On the outside you held a stone expression having already read up what you needed to know about the billionaire genius, but on the inside you were internally screaming. No amount of informant sheets could prepare you for how handsome the man before you looked.

After clearing his throat he steps forward and offers you his hand, “You must be Ms. Y/L/N.”

“Oh please, call me Y/N. And you must be Mr. Stark,” you replay as you rise from your seat and slip your hand in his expecting him to offer you a handshake.

Instead he turns your hand up right and places a kiss on the top before responding, “Please, call me Tony Mr. Stark was my father.”

Steve Rogers: It was nice for as early as it was in New York that morning but no one was going to complain, especially not you. Deciding to take advantage of the weather as much as you could even though you had to work that day you leashed up your dog and walked towards the park near your house. It was typically pretty quiet so you knew it would be the perfect spot. Steve had the same idea when his alarm woke him up and he soon discovered the weather. Quickly slipping on his running clothes and shoes he heads outside and to the one place he thinks is truly peaceful. He knew not many people came here at this time of day because he always ran there so he wasn’t paying attention to your dog running straight towards him in route for the stick that had landed a few feet away. Y/D/N crashed right into his legs causing him to topple to the ground with a huff.

“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry about that. I wasn’t paying attention when I threw the stick, I figured people normally weren’t here this early in the morning,” you exclaim while helping him stand back on his feet.

“It’s not a problem ma’am, I’m sure this little guy didn’t mean it anyway,” Steve replies petting your dogs head as he does so.

Bucky Barnes: The one time Steve convinced Bucky to visit the Captain America exhibit in the Smithsonian you were there intently studying the section dedicated to Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. The two men watched you from afar at first, studying your every movement but attempting not to seem like creeps at the same time. After a few minutes more of staring Bucky couldn’t take it anymore and gave into his curiosity before he could stop himself. Walking right up to you he tried to muster up as much of his old courage and charm that he could before asking, “What ya doing there doll?”

Startled you slam your notebook to your chest and nervously shift your eyes anywhere but to the man beside you, “Im uh. I’m taking down some notes for a report I’m writing for my blog.”

“And what could there be to report on a dead guy?” the man questions with a snort.”

“A lot more than you think,” you retort before mumbling under your breath, “Especially when he's not dead you idiot.”

The comment was so quiet a normal person wouldn’t have heard it, but Bucky did and he stiffened instantly. If you knew he was alive that meant you knew he was the winter soldier. It also meant that you could possibly recognized him if you looked at him. After a moment of silence he decided he didn’t want to take the chance and bolted to where Steve stood in front of the video of Peggy. As he dragged a confused and dazed Steve out of the building he left an equally confused you behind.

Thor Odinson: You were friends with Pepper as well as both the female Avengers so naturally you were invited to all of Toni’s parties. And every time you said yes, no matter if you wanted to go or not because there was nothing like a Stark party. Tonight was one of those nights. You were wrapped in you Y/F/C dress all dolled up and leaning against the side of the bar, but you wished at that very moment you were anywhere else. While you were drowning in your own thoughts and wine coolers you didn’t notice the god admiring your from where he stood with Steve across the room. After another cup of Asgardian alcohol and some more encouragement from Steve, Thor finally makes his way over to where you are perched.

Offering you a warm smile he begins to speak, “Hello my lady, I am Thor the God of Thunder.”

“Hello Thor, I am Y/N,” you reply with a giggle as you take in the features of the god before you.

Clint Barton: Today was the first day of Avengers training. Before this you were just a typical assassin until SHIELD realized you were more than human. Your parents were fallen agents of HYDRA and injected you with the super soldier serum at a young age hoping it would turn you into one of their greatest assets. Instead their plans backfired and they created their greatest enemy. When you were old enough to leave you did and from that day on you were always with SHIELD. That was how you ended up in the Avengers training room now with both Black Widow and Captain America flanking you on either side ready for you to show them what you got. First Natasha approached you, but you’ve been doing this so much that you predicted her moves before she even took her first step and easily had her on the mat. Steve took a bot more force to take down, but using the momentum you had from Natasha you took him down just as fast leaving face to face with a man in the doorway of the room.

He began to clap slowly as he approached you, “I was coming to see if Nat wanted to train, but it looks like she has her hands full..I’m Clint.”

“I’m Y/N.”

Sam Wilson: You worked as a volunteer for numerous support groups and other veteran situations so when you got a call from a friend today asking you to fill in for her you didn’t really think twice about saying yes. Instead you got dressed and raced over to the building the session was being held in as fast as you could to help whoever she was supposed to work with that day. When you arrived you were greeted by a man’s back as he set up pamphlets by the door, oblivious to your arrival as it appeared.

Stepping forward you clear your throat and speak up, “Uh hi, Y/F/N couldn’t make it today so she asked me to fill in for her. I’m sorry I’m late, but this one last minute so I tried to get over as fast as I could.”

It is then that the man turns around with a smile present on his face, “That’s not a problem, I would've done the session alone if i had to.”

With a nod of understanding you offer him your hand, “Im Y/N Y/L/N.” “Sam Wilson,” he replies shaking your hand

Loki Laufeyson: You had been trapped in the dungeons of Asgard fora crime you didn’t do for longer than you could remember. There was word spread that your were a dark elf working for to turn on Odin and overthrown the throne. The only reason they didn’t execute you was because not all of their story checked out, Instead they locked you away until they knew they truth, the only issue was they weren’t trying to find any other leads leaving you down here to rot. Until one night when you’re nearly asleep on your cot you hear someone being thrown into the cell beside yours. Sitting up in shock you look over to see the one and only Prince of Asgard, Loki, being tossed into the cell angry and screaming. Though the guards didn’t acknowledge his tantrum you were staring intently at the man since he had grown into a handsome prince since you last saw him. When he realized you were staring though he instantly put an illusion up causing you to return to your attempted sleep.

Peter Parker: Today you started at one of the est school’s New York could offer and to say you were nervous would be an understatement. Even though you excelled at you old school, everyone who went here excelled at something or everything. As you walked the halls trying to find your first class you weren’t paying attention to what was in front of you and plowed right into a girl walking down the halls in the opposite direction.

“I am so sorry. I should have been paying more attention to where I was going instead of the school map,” you say quickly while trying to pick up your things.

“It’s cool. You must be the new girl, I’m Mj,” the girl replies brushing herself off.

“Yeah that’s me,” you sigh before studying your map again.

“What class do you have?”

“Uh, english.”

“Oh, that’s on the way to my class. I could show you if you want,” Mj offers kindly motioning to the way she was previously going.

“Really that’d be great, thanks,” you reply rushing to follow her.

When you reached the classroom you said goodbye and parted ways with her. You had seen Mj a few more times throughout the day so when lunch rolled around you were relieved to see her face once again. As you scanned the lunchroom for an open seat she called your name, drawing the attention of the other students in the cafeteria as well. Quickly you made your way to the open seat beside her and sat down smiling at all the other kids already seated at the table.

“Hi, Im Y/N,” you say introducing yourself with a smile.

“Im Ned and this is Peter,” one of the two boys across from you answers while the other just sits there dumbfounded.

[meditativeyoga]

Shhhhh... 10 Silent Retreat Centers

Meditators of all levels are attracted to silent retreats for spiritual awakening and peace of mind.

Maybe it's a response against our stressful, media-driven new century, or possibly it's simply the rational development of a yoga exercise as well as meditation method. Whatever the reason, silent resorts are catching on, for beginning and also knowledgeable yogis alike.

' We have actually seen a genuine rise in interest among individuals from all profession, in people that currently have a spiritual method in addition to people who have actually never ever attempted to meditate,' states Ron Fearnow, a supervisor at Southern Dharma Retreat Facility in Hot Springs, North Carolina. 'We're all looking for methods to bring peace right into our lives, and the basic act of being peaceful is a terrific way to do it.'

Retreats like Southern Dharma deal reflection programs constructed around silence, ranging in length from numerous days to a couple of months. Most consist of yoga and relocating meditation, while others are made up totally of peaceful reflection. They are offered in traditions ranging from Buddhism and Hinduism to Judaism and Christianity, along with nonsectarian formats.

' There's a remarkable movement amongst individuals from all faiths and all schools of believed to look for spiritual development,' says Fr. James Conner, who routes the reflection resorts at The Abbey of Gethsemani, a Benedictine monastery in Trappist, Kentucky. 'As well as they're locating that meditation is a terrific method to better that process.'

Ironically, one of the most intimidating aspect concerning silent resorts for the newbie meditator is the continuous tranquility. 'People who meditate for 20 to Thirty Minutes in the morning are commonly concerned about needing to do it for days at a time,' claims Fearnow. 'Or they could practice yoga regularly, yet they constantly do it in a class filled with people, or they exercise in the living-room with the stereo on. The facet of being peaceful seems extremely strange.'

The excellent information is that no 2 hideaways are created the exact same. Some are extensive, long-term programs, while others last just two or three days and consist of periods of informal talking, lectures, seminar, and also individually instruction -- plus the possibility for activities like tennis or hiking.

How do you know if you await prolonged quiet time? 'Take it gradually,' claims Fearnow. 'Find a program as well as a center that feels comfortable to you and after that sign up for simply a few days. You'll be amazed at how promptly you can adjust and just how much extra effective your method could come to be.'

That said, here are 10 silent hideaways that supply a variety of programs as well as settings for all levels of meditators.

The Abbey of Gethsemani

Trappist, Kentucky

This facility is a Roman Catholic monastery founded in 1848 on the concepts of hospitality laid down by St. Benedict, which get in touch with believers to welcome each visitor as an agent of Christ. Thus, meditators are invited to join the monks in their daily program of prayer, sacraments, and quiet reflection, which begins with vigils at 3:15 a.m. and also ends with a communal solution and also true blessing at 8 p.m. If you want to meditate, however cherish your slumber, you can oversleep until Mass starts at 6:15 a.m. The Abbey is found on 2,000 acres of heavily wooded land concerning 40 miles from Louisville, in a section of Kentucky recognized as 'handle nation' as a result of its several tiny hillsides. 'Silence is a big part of the experience right here,' says Fr. James Conner, the facility's director, as well as meditators are encouraged to walk through the bordering fields as well as timbers when they're not taking part in formal solutions. Resorts are held throughout the week (Monday through Friday) and also over weekends, although meditators can additionally arrange for longer remains. The first and also third weeks of monthly are booked for women-only hideaways. Guests remain in exclusive areas, each with a private bathroom, and also meals are included in the program. Rates are based upon a volunteer contribution system, a regular offering would be $25 to $40 a day. -LRB-502-RRB- 549-4133, www.monks.org.

Insight Meditation Society

Barre, Massachusetts

A Buddhist retreat center housed in an early 1900s estate, IMS is an hour and also a fifty percent west of Boston. It was the very first Dharma center in the West and also has been holding meditation retreats since 1975. IMS uses roughly 20 retreats a year, many from seven to 10 days. There's also a three-month-long program available for innovative meditators. The resorts are all silent, except for daily talks and also instructor interviews, and include both walking and also resting meditation. Lodgings are dormitory-style and set you back $38 a day, consisting of meals. -LRB-978-RRB- 355-4378, www.dharma.org/ims.

Palolo Zen Center, Honolulu Ruby Sangha

Honolulu, Hawaii

This Zen Buddhist center uses six quiet reflection hideaways -- which they call sesshins -- yearly, varying from three to 8 days. Visitors can also go to a one-day resort called zazenkai or register for numerous months of intensive Zen research study. The center rests on 13 acres in a peaceful valley, just 15 minutes from Honolulu's busy Waikiki Coastline. Right here, your day starts at 4 a.m. and also finishes at 9 p.m. You'll spend the time in sittinged meditation and mindful work practice, silence is observed throughout. Areas are shared (dormitory-style lodgings) as well as meals are vegan, short-stay prices are $35 a day. -LRB-808-RRB- 735-1347, www.ciolek.com/WWVLPages/ZenPages/DiamondSangha.html.

Karme-Choling Buddhist Meditation Center

Barnet, Vermont

One of the Shambhala International meditation facilities, Karme-Choling is a rambling 540-acre facility with a dormitory and also large meditation hall, plus seven cabins put right into the timbers as well as a different bed and breakfast in the nearby community of Barnet. It's located in between White River Junction as well as Burlington, in the Eco-friendly Mountains of north Vermont. The center provides hideaways varying from two-day in-house programs to month-long residencies, which focus on the '3 gates' of Shambhala theory: Vajradhatu, based upon Tibetan Buddhism, Shambhala, which complies with a nondenominational 'human warrior' design, and Nalanda, which combines various Japanese arts with Buddhist trainings on subjects such as psychology, health, and partnerships. A typical internal hideaway consists of daily private reflection guideline, team method, and also a short work duration, it costs $30 a day, plus in between $10 and $50 an evening for bed and board. Guests are urged to finish an initial meditation training course at a Shambhala Facility before registering for a resort. -LRB-802-RRB- 633-2384, www.kcl.shambhala.org.

Mount Madonna Center

Watsonville, California

Situated on a 355-acre system over Monterey Bay in the Santa Cruz mountains, Mount Madonna hosts 40 programs a year, including hideaways in yoga exercise and also reflection, Buddhist believed, and also various other courses to spirituality. Along with their formal tasks, individuals can swim in a nearby lake, play tennis, beach ball, and also basketball, and walking. Silence is part of numerous of the programs, although they enable some discussion. The facility can accommodate up to 500 people (secretive rooms and also on surrounding camping sites), however programs vary drastically in size, from concerning five participants to maximum capability. A regular weekend break resort costs about $150, plus $58 each individual per day for double-occupancy and also vegetarian dishes. -LRB-408-RRB- 847-0406, www.mountmadonna.org.

Kripalu Center for Yoga and also Health

Lenox, Massachusetts

Here you'll find combined yoga exercise and also reflection programs and also retreats geared to practically any type of degree, with dormitory-style lodgings and also a huge snack bar that offers abundant vegetarian meals. Kripalu is additionally a center of education, supplying programs in Buddhist believed, metta reflection, and also numerous colleges of yoga. Programs are constructed around yoga exercise as well as reflection courses, group workshops, as well as various directed tasks, you could likewise discover lots of hiking as well as cycling in the bordering Berkshire Hills of western Massachusetts. 'Hideaway as well as Renewal' programs -- freely structured, 3- to five-day programs that include meditation as well as yoga, songs, as well as dancing -- price between $77 as well as $196 each night, depending on the sort of room you select. (Some have private bathrooms, others use a shared one down the hall.) Midweek price cuts are offered. Meals are quiet and visitors are asked to observe silence in the night as well as early morning. -LRB-800-RRB- 741-7353, www.kripalu.org.

Southern Dharma Retreat Center

Hot Springs, North Carolina

Tucked right into a remote valley in western North Carolina (Asheville has to do with an hour away), this 24-acre center is protected by another 140 acres of privately held land. Open from April with January, the center hosts meditative and contemplative resorts in vipassana meditation, Soto Zen, Sufi, Judaic and also a number of various other spiritual practices. Retreats are tiny (the optimum number of individuals is 25), as well as all consist of some yoga. Hideaways range from 3 to eight days, and visitors are silent for a bulk of the time. Lodgings vary from dormitory-style spaces with exclusive baths to camping areas, weather allowing. The typical expense is $55 an evening, consisting of vegan meals. -LRB-828-RRB- 622-7112, www.main.nc.us/SDRC/.

Spirit Rock Meditation Center

Woodacre, California

Residential resorts at this 400-acre center in Marin County, about an hour north of the Golden Gateway Bridge, array from 3 nights to three months as well as are geared to starting along with seasoned experts of vipassana, or Buddhist understanding meditation. Besides everyday Dharma talks and individually interviews with trainers, silence reigns. Participants start their day at 5 a.m., spend it in rotating durations of resting as well as strolling meditation, after that kip down around 10 p.m. Meals are vegan and costs vary (some are developed on a gliding scale). A regular three-day meditation retreat costs $160. -LRB-415-RRB- 488-0164, www.spiritrock.org.

Tassajara Zen Mountain Center

Carmel Valley, California

Part of the San Francisco Zen Facility, Tassajara was developed in 1966 as the very first property Zen facility in the USA. The facilities were as soon as a warm springs resort and consist of a pool, bathhouse, and dorm accommodations, as well as one-of-a-kind rock and ache rooms, yurts, redwood cabins, and standard Japanese tatami cabins. Double-occupancy rates vary from $70 to $150 each night, retreat costs are an additional $100 to $125. The hideaways, which normally consist of quiet reflection in addition to group discussions and also trainer appointments, are conducted Could with August. The center is shut to the general public during the rest of the year as well as utilized for formal Buddhist reclusive training. -LRB-415-RRB- 863-3136, www.sfzc.com.

Vallecitos Mountain Refuge

Taos, New Mexico

This is an 'invitation-only' center established to offer individuals that operate in the public-interest as well as nonprofit markets. In order to attend, you should show you've been working in that capacity for at the very least 5 years and also plan to continue. Appropriately named, this Zen facility is located on 135 acres bordered by the Carson National park and runs without telephone, power, or tv. Its programs are focused on helping individuals achieve goals of social change as well as ecological revival via personal centering and spiritual development. Activities consist of travels into the forest, silent reflection, and speaking circles -- anything in order to help ease the 'fatigue' usual in civil service works. Meditators of all levels rate. -LRB-505-RRB- 751-9613, www.vallecitos.org.

Martha Schindler is a consultant author based in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

[qdtquietdownthere]

Day 11- A day of reflecting in an art gallery and painting, glueing and giggling in the sun.

Day 11

The waking up process, if it can be called a process, is the trickiest part of the residency actually. Waking up in your own bed, in Tottenham, seeing your flatmates, talking about the day ahead. It is a different world. I have to go from that, to the tube, then be in Pimlico. To this new, yet familiar place of comfort. What is the most exhausting is this point of change and transition- waking up in the life you are used to then diving into a day of fresh, exiting, uncertainty. No one really understands whats going on, and no one really wants to listen to me describing every detail of my day. I do not think this is something I would enjoy to do either. It’s lonesome in this sense. A temporary community which no one else is experiencing. That is so special though. I feel useful, like my existence and participation means something. 

I am very aware it is ending. Second last day. I am so comfortable now.

I walk around the area following a gentle map. I have walked these streets before. The Thames, the Bridge, the view of brutal Battersea, the tiny parks and the contrasts. There are so many contrasting textures, architecture and people. An area of extreme wealth, and then a definite lack of it. I feel uncomfortable with it at points. In my favourite park which sits just behind Tate Britain I watch a very wealthy man spend half an hour with a puppy trainer and his pedigree puppy. He tells me they have traveled from Devon. There is a visible contrast when you look for it. You can maybe hear it more than you can see it. I hear coffee orders which are 3 minutes long, decaf, soy, skinny milk. At the community centre in Churchill Gardens a cup of tea will always be milk and one sugar. I wonder where I sit in this pool of people, I wonder where other people see me belonging.

CCA is based next to Tate Britain and I try to go in to see the degree show but I am told it ended last week. There aren't many students around, ever. The whole time I have been in Pimlico I haven't noticed anyone who jumped out to me as looking like a student (whatever that means). I guess they have all gone home for summer. Over the past week I have seen a few Chinese students, as I guess flying home at such a high price isn't necessarily an option for international students. I wonder about the loneliness of living in this city when your purpose of being here is to purely be a student. I did my undergraduate at Leeds and it was the loneliest time for me. Sometimes I would walk to town, to the big Boots and back, just to get out, see people and feel like I was a part of what everyone else was doing. I worked all through university but I didn't really hang out with work friends, and with a class size of 10, well, there wasn't much social life going on. I wish I had gone out more, joined societies. Even if they didn't interest me, I should have pushed myself. I was nineteen and maybe I was shy, but I think what kept me being lonely was a reluctancy to say I was lonely to anyone apart from my family and friends who all lived back home in Edinburgh. I think about the mother I met during the babies library session at Victoria Library and how she was frustrated there were no classes on for her thirteen year old son. Kids don't want to look uncool, and I think this can continue for some people into university. There is a pool of opportunity in this pool of young people who are desperate to engage in a world, but scared and uncertain how to. No one whats to stand out from the self conscious crowd of teenagers and there is opportunity in making activities which both work with, and eradicate this. 

I walk across the courtyard from CCA and find a different art show; “Observer: John Latham and the Distant Perspective”. Latham’s body of work explores derelict land outside of Edinburgh and was developed from an artist placement with the Scottish Development Agency. The three month long artist residences took place in different locations, from industrial settings such as fishing villages to a residency exploring the mental health care service (https://mapmagazine.co.uk/john-latham-incidental-person). What was the desired outcome of these residencies? Well, the hope was that by involving an artist, “his creative intelligence or imagination can spark off ideas, possibilities and actions” ultimately benefiting development projects in Scotland (Lyddon, 2007). When the committee introducing Latham to the project asked if the artist was going to solve problems, Lyddon replied “No, the artist is going to show us problems we didn't know were there”. In the end, if there is ever an end to a body of work, Latham decided to explore the area in Midlothian from an areal perspective, or ‘from the distance’. It was from this, and through interacting intensely with archival aerial photography from the area, he was able to map out distinctive land features from the shale industry and turn these into a piece of re-conceived monumental, or sculptural work. The act of doing this changes how the public interact with the local landscape. I find the work fascinating and oh so funny to have stumbled into work made in this context during my time doing the residency in Churchill Gardens. I haven't continued to read into the work of Latham, but it has brought up interesting ideas as to how perspectives of place, how history, and fresh eyes can have an impact on how individuals engage with space. I think of how my view of the streets have changed since I began engaging in the area. How the image of a street morphs the more you walk down it. How the build up of memories connected to place erode and evolve as you step away then interact with them again. I am lucky to know these streets now and I get an overwhelming sense to draw them. Once again I'm excited by the power of naming, of bringing into the spotlight, places or people to create a transformative effect on how we engage with them. As I have been unable to draw or make during my time on the residency, I have taken up naming and writing lists of names instead. My diary has one section which includes as many names I can remember from all the people I have interacted with since my time in and around Pimlico and Churchill Gardens. Drawing cements and validates a memory or idea through the act of mark making, and I believe the power of naming and writing these names validates all the connections I have had to people over the course of the two weeks. I have found this at least itches my little creative scratch. Or rather, it scratches my creative itch.

In the afternoon I return to the Thamesbank Centre to volunteer with Shambush as part of the South west festival. With children from the surrounding housing estates, Shambush are holding creative making events in local community centres to try and create a way for children to engage with art and their neighbouring communities. We work to a brief which is to design, paint and glue onto paper ‘solar panels’ these of space, which will later be put together and secured to a huge metal structure and presented as a space shuttle in the gardens of Tate Britain. For each making event a child attends in their local area, they receive a stamp on their ‘space engineer passport’. It is a fantastic idea and I find it so exciting to hear that there is an activity in place to connect these very separate housing estates which tend to never really mix. When speaking to both Shambush and the local children who come to do the making session, it is apparent that Tate Britain is another world to this community. Im not surprised. It is a twenty minute walk away, yet completely inaccessible as a cultural engagement. This is sad but a very real reality.  Fine art is most easily digested by those with the confidence to enter into the gallery space and those with the education to understand how to interact with it. 

The kids are wonderful and messy and giggly and I laugh a lot with two girls in particular. We are silly and happy and I feel in my element. I feel so lucky to be in this space making with such interesting and wonderful kids. A group of boys come over and make maths themed solar panels. One boy manages to name every dwarf planet in our solar system and I feel very stupid when I talk about the ‘fire hurricanes on Venus’ (he probably knows the scientific latin name for them). Its so great how the space works. We are outside, the sun is shining, kids come and go and there is a real sense that we are in the heart of the community. We are on Peabody estate on Tachbrook Avenue so the street is lined by beautiful tall flats. In its centre is the park which is connected to the community centre, so every flat can watch down on us. I speak to one boy who is in year 5 and he says because of the park he has lots of friends who are older and younger than him. It is a place for all ages. 

Throughout the day only two parents come and talk to us and engage with the activities. Its a shame because so often it is the parents who are cautious and scared to venture out and try new things, and go new places which ultimately gets passed down to the kids. When we age we tend to view creativity as something that we have or we don't have. The older we get the more we become aware that we can or cannot draw. The older we get the more we isolate ourselves from activities and places we don't feel comfortable, or that accentuate the fact we cant draw, or paint or act. The kids seem to want to come to Tate when we tell them their work will be shown there, but unfortunately that isn't enough, it is about the parents. Pimlico toy library was great for this, and Shelia was really passionate that she was creating a space which was confidence building for parents. This is vital. 

The children power through the activities and start getting a little bored. I suggest making some space themed origami fortune tellers. Im worried that maybe I should have asked before doing this but Shambush are lovely and energetic about getting stuck in and keeping busy. The kids seem to love it and I get a real sense of right. I don't really know how to describe it. I feel in my element. This is huge for me and something which means the world when you're at the start of a career as a young artist who is still trying to find her feet. I wouldn't have had the means to experience bringing ideas to a children's art session before this and I feel so lucky that I am in this position. I feel validated that it is met with so much enthusiasm. 

The afternoon wizzes past. The father of the two girls who I had spent a lot of time with is brought down by his carer to go to the park. From the top floor flat their mother calls them up to go and help with caring for the neighbours. They give me lots of cuddles goodbye and run off with hands covered in glue and crisps. I cant help but think about what a potentially tricky life they must have, but how wonderful and giggly they are. I wish I could meet their mother and tell her how great they have been. How great all the kids have been. I leave and have a little cry down the phone to my friend because I'm so sad it has ended. It felt pivotal for me as just me, as someone who is unsure of my next steps, of what areas of work I would like to pursue. It is because of this afternoon, and because of this residency that I have been given this opportunity and this space to gain confidence and experience in wonderful exciting and giggle fuelled roles. 

Today is one of the best days I have had. Volunteering gives the residency a whole new level as i feel I'm working as part of a service which is effecting change. This is something I have a growing need to do. Its a wonderful thing that these two great volunteering opportunities with Shambush and the food distribution with Mike happened on my last few days. I feel I am more ready for them at this stage. I think about the residency ending, but on a larger scale, I think about goodbyes. I am not very good at them. I am home and I'm writing lots, I will have vegetable ratatouille for tea and I am going to have a gin and tonic too, because the sun is shining and I am happy. Big day tomorrow. Sad day. Big day. Last day. 

[amourfae]

what did you dream about? 🤓🤓

…

idk how to explain it but i basically had a lucid dream abt me lucid dreaming and in the dream i dreamt more dreams … if that makes any sense 🤧 i just remember me feeling very in control / secure the whole time as if i was aware

1st dream: okay so like i don’t exactly remember much abt the start but i was in like this random school / house with other children , almost like a daycare facility & ig i was a spy or smtg of the sort bc i was pretending to be someone else (but it was me?) … i didn’t know any of the kids (they knew me though) who went there but i had to pretend that i did & and so basically all of a sudden the teacher (he’s like a chef of some sort) comes in and says he knew it wasn’t me 😧 and then i fall asleep … 2nd dream: but it transitions somehow to my family living in the same house / building and i’m meditating in the living room for some reason but i can’t focus because it’s so loud ,, 3rd dream: then all of a sudden it feels like i’m floating and i’m still in the house but now in the kitchen & ik that i’m dreaming 😕 so like the me that was meditating is lucid dreaming now and that dream has me in the kitchen … and since ik that i’m lucid dreaming i start doing random things that i wouldn’t have probably done irl … and then all of a sudden (still in the lucid dream) my dad says i need to head to school bc i signed up for a volunteering opportunity … so i go to school & it looks really huge , cartoonish and just seems very high tech … but i end up being early (like 3 hrs to spare) so i start touring the school and i’m just in awe bc it’s so school & im slowly becoming aware of the fact that there are other people in my school too … so while walking around the really big library , i end up getting lost and coming across a group of boys that all look freakishly similar (but not exactly) to this other guy i once liked … it’s very disturbing so i remember feeling confused ,, but then one of my irl friends gets my attention and decided that we should go around the school tgt … somewhere along the line , she just disappears and i’m stuck in the entrance to this like 5 story office section of the library with a weird rock wall … then i hear voices coming from behind me and it’s these girls named “shoi” and “alexa” (idk where my brain came up with these but for some reason , my brain gave subtitles whenever they spoke which is how i knew their names) so basically the girls recognized me and say we should walk tgt bc they know where to go … the three of us end up in some creepy hallway where the teachers’ offices are housed & another girl says “hi” to us and then disappears (well actually she ignored me but wtv) the three of us again somehow are stuck in the strange hallway and decide to know on the door for help … this weird geometric looking shape thing answers the door & turns out to be our teacher 💀 she then asks us for help and takes us to the teacher’s room where i see jungwon asking my dad questions abt the printer 😭😭 (idk how my dad appeared all of a sudden) and then i remember making this joke & won laughed which made me remember that this was a dream … then i woke up 🤧🤧

idk if this makes any sense but it was funny to remember 😭😭 there were a bunch of other random things that happened during this dream that i didn’t add just bc they were so random 😳 like i remember at one point , my voice sounded exactly like sunoo’s for no reason …

[jocy-diaries]

02.12.2022

I laid in bed for a long time today. I woke up depressed. I did forget to take my medicine twice but I don’t think it should cause this. I don’t want to go to the library today. I haven’t done my assignments. I’m late on turning an exercise in. I want to stop. I also realized that. I’m either working or worrying about working or doing something or worrying about doing something. I just want to lay down and not have any worries for once.

Since I washed my hair yesterday I was going to add some hair product in it today. The left side was okay but the right side…Its like I barely washed it at all. I’m going to have to wash it again. It’s making me feel a bit pathetic about my microlocs attempt.

Okay I’ve rewashed my hair. Hoping this time I did it correctly.. I made smaller sections and shampooed outside of the shower, so hopefully that helps. I don’t think I’ll be using the same hair lotion I’ve been using though. Doesn’t feel right…I don’t often wear short sleeves so I forgot how messed up my skin color pattern is. I also called out of volunteering at the library today… I took a nap that ended up being an hour long and I just couldn’t. I also drank some of the coffee my best friend got me for Christmas. It’s nice and chocolaty. I love her a lot. I still feel depressed and powerless because of school but. I don’t know, I can’t even say that I’m trying… I’m just tired.

It was really sunny this morning and I just kept thinking ‘Who could be depressed on such a beautiful day?’ I see mom struggling so hard with her classes and trying and I feel like such a disappointment. Im proud of her though. I always associate the one Spanish lady with her, when she said “Do you know how smart I am in Spanish?” That’s mom but with French. I don’t have very nice thoughts about my mother sometimes and Im trying to change that.

There was this really epic dream I wanted to write down that I had two days ago but I was too depressed to do it and now I don’t remember it anymore. Hm.

I don’t think I can do this. I opened up my MLIS courses to do assignments and I just. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know WHY. I have no idea why. It’s all doable. I’ve done this before. But I CANT. I might cry and give up lol. What even is this stupid life at this point. I’ve started wrong so I don’t want to continue. Is that it? Or you would rather take one class per semester and take forever to complete?? You can’t just waste time and money and hopscotch your way to another university. Why can’t you just do this for you??? Is that where the block stands? You’re doing this for you and because it’s just for you it’s therefore worthless?? I don’t even know what to think anymore. It all feels really pointless. I was supposed to be done with the MLIS by now. I was supposed to get my phd before 30. I was supposed to be good. I was supposed to be better.

Well. I guess if nothing else works out I can always attend SJSU as a last ditch attempt at this freaking degree…

[cannedapricot]

Christmas Shopping with! Yoon Jisung

another installment of the chirstmas collab with @alliwannado-w1 and @jihoonslattee ft. toy store worker! yoon jisung!!

jisung works at a toy store in a mall on the second floor

and he loves it

he loves seeing children’s faces glowing in happiness after entering the store

he loves helping children find the perfect toy

jiSUNG’S JUST FULL OF LOVE FOR WHAT HE DOES

when children start throwing tantrums, jisung’s the first person to rush over

the child stops crying after 5 seconds because thE FACES JISUNG MAKES TO CHEER THEM UP ARE LEDGENDARY

co-worker! sungwoon swears that jisung would marry his job if he could

everyone who’s ever visited this specific mall knows of yoon jisung

i mean, he’s the resident sunshine who glows so brightly whenever he smiles that everyone in the mall stops to wear sunglasses

he’s also the reason why every kid ever wants to go to that one toy shop lol

the boss wanted to make jisung the mascot at one point but jisung was like,

“oh no!! i’m probably going to scare people away from the shop haha!”

and that’s how sungwoon was forced into being the mascot because he was “smol and fluffy”

jisung never lets sungwoon live because of it

“oh look!!! sungwoon’s on our poster again!!11!111″

“...TEAR IT DOWN”

chirstmas is jisung’s favorite holiday

part of it was because of the snow and quality family time 

but mostly it was because mORE SMILEY KIDS WOULD WALK INTO THE SHOP

CHEEKS RED WITH COLD

AND EYES GLEAMING WITH EXCITEMENT 

the shop has this thing where the staff can wrap your presents for you

and everyone h a t e s being put on gift wrapping duty

because its??? so??? boring???

they’d much rather do something else

aka find a corner where the boss can’t see you and go on your phone smh

so when the boss calls a meeting and announces that the gift wrapping duty is back!!!

all he gets are groans in response

except from jisung though

he puts his arm straight up and with sparkling eyes, he says

“I VOLUNTEER”

“uh ok i guess jisung’s on gift duty for the fourth year in a row”

but daniel and jaehwan are also selected for different shifts

jisung nearly has a heart attack when he hears that jaehwan’s also on gift duty

beCAUSE THAT BOY CAN’T WRAP GIFTS FOR SHIT

so jisung spends his lunch break teaching jaehwan how to wrap a gift properly and prettily :’)

jaehwan tries to learn because he doesn’t want to deal with screaming kids if he wraps their gift shittily

it doesn’t turn out as perfect as jisung’s but it’ll have to do :’’’)

jisung’s also the only person who happily wears the santa hat uniform addition 

jiSUNG’S WILL HAPPILY DO ANYTHING FOR THIS SHOP

HE LOVES THE SHOP WITH HIS WHOLE HEART SIDVBIS

even if the pay isn’t as high as other jobs, jisung’s content :’) 

he’s such an angel i love him

you worked at a local kindergarten!

you’ve only been working for a couple of months but the kids there absolutely adore you!!

you’d step in the classroom and everyone would rush over to hug you

the kindergarten once had a popularity vote among the teachers and you ranked first even though you were new :””)

everyone wanted to be in your class

and the other teachers are lowkey offended 

it was a tradition every year to bring the kids on a trip to the mall for them to write small wish lists to send to santa :’’’’’)

the kids were thrilled obviously

“sCHOOL TRIP TIME WHEEEEEEEE”

it took a while for them to calm down

but they eventually did 

you’ve never been to the mall in this area,,, so you’re kinda scared that you’re gonna get lost or lose one of the kids etc

you tried getting out of it

“hey uh cough cough minhyun? cough”

“yeah?”

“sneeze i think i’m down with a cold”

“oh no!!!111!!1!1 would you like to take a few days off???”

“yes-”

“is what you think i’d say right? too bad we’re already low on staff as it is we don’t need another ‘sick’ one”

THERE GOES THAT PLAN OUT THE WINDOW

you knew that there was no point in arguing anymore :’)

on the day you were a nervous wreck

you had planned to go around the mall yesterday but that didn’t happen

thanks to your close friend suddenly dropping by

yoU WERE SWEATING AND YOUR EYES WERE DARTING EVERYWHERE

EVEN THE KIDS THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS OFF

“miss y/n? are you okay?”

“o-OH YEAH I’M FINE TOMMY”

WIPES SWEAT

after herding the kids into the bus, you tried to make a run for it

but minhyun catches you with his signature “where do you think you’re going” smile on his face

then proceeds to fling you onto the bus

upon reaching the mall, the kids immediately screamed to go visit the toy store

having no choice but to do so, you bring your little group of kids towards the toy shop on the second floor

while looking at the map you have on your phone lmao

you let out a sigh in relief when you reach the store without anything happening

you tell the kids not to wander off by their own and stick close together

entering the shop, you catch a certain worker’s eye 👀👀

i mean you would catch my eye as well

it’s not everyday someone walks into a shop with 10 kids around them

but of course the shop expected your kindergarten to visit this time of year

and that particular worker slides up to your party while in the lego section

“hi! i’m jisung! is there anything you’re looking for?”

you were about to respond but the kids responded before you could

“wHERE ARE THE BARBIES???”

“BRING ME A STUFFED BEAR PLEASE”

p a ni c s

“i’m so sorry- n O EMILY STOP CLINGING ON THE WORKER’S LEG”

jisung lets out a hearty laugh,

“don’t worry! i’m used to it”

anD BOY WAS HIS LAUGH ATTRACTIVE

is it getting hot in here or is it just jisung? 👀👀

jisung squats down to the little girl’s height and talks to her in the s o f t e s t tone

and you think that’s he’s possibly the cutest man you’ve ever m e t

“miss y/n!!!! stop staring at him!!”

buoVOUVODUV???????

jisung’s draws his attention from the little girl to look at you

yOU GLOW BRIGHT RED

“I WASN’T- UH- I WAS LOOKING AT THAT STUFFED RABBIT BEHIND YOU YEAH”

AND JISUNG CHUCKLES AT YOUR OBVIOUSLY FLUSTERED FACE

deciding not to make you glow any more red, he says,

“hey, i’ll help you deal with the kids today yeah?”

“OHMYGOSH THANK YOU SO MUCH”

BECAUSE

FINALLY 

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THE MALL WELL

“i’ll go tell my boss!”

he doesn’t

he tells sungwoon to cover for him

“heY YOU TOLD ME TO POSTPONE MY DATE TO WORK HOW COME YOU GET TO-”

covERS SUNGWOON’S MOUTH

“it’s not a da t e”

sungwoon rolls his eyes

“sure ok”

and so jisung joins your party!!

y’all look like a cute family with 10 kids :’)

throughout the day, jisung’s interaction with the kids and his funny personality made you feel like melting

was it possible for a man to be this adorable??

you didn’t know but,,

jisung was also melting for you too :’)))

so when minhyun calls you and says that it’s time to leave

jisung doesn’t want to let you go

neither did you tbh

so as you herd the kids into the bus once again, jisung pulls you back for a moment

“hey,,,, uh,,,, have you done your christmas shopping yet?”

“not yet!! i’m planning to do so this sunday”

“oh!! great!! um,,, i was wondering if you wanted to do it together? sunday’s my day off too,,,”

hE WAS AVOIDING EYE CONTACT AS HE ASKED YOU AND YOU WERE SQUEALING INSIDE

“yES! I MEAN-- sure!”

and then jisung looks at you with the whole galaxy in his eyes

his cheeks were flushed but you had no idea whether it was because of the weather or because he was flustered

“REALLY???”

you reply with a smile and a nod of your head

he then digs through his pockets for a pen

and asks you to write your number on his hand

the pen was in the shape of a giraffe

minhyun screams for you as soon as you finished writing the last digit

“i’ll text you!!”

jisung yells as you run towards the bus, waving at him with a huge smile

he does

and you two don’t stop texting until sunday

“y/n! over here!!”

you rush over to the waiting jisung 

“i’m sorry did you have to wait for a long time?”

he smiles and claims that he just got here

and you two head into the mall

as soon as you two step in, you guys were surrounded by couples who were also christmas shopping

and it felt awkward for the first time since you’ve known jisung

clEARS THROAT

“so,,, y/n, where do you want to go first?”

you randomly point at a stationary store 

and you two exit a few minutes later

with a bunch of bags in hand

“i knEW WE SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE INTO THAT STORE”

hOLD IN YOUR TEARS Y/N, YOUR WALLET WILL BE O K

jisung laughs 

“THIS ISN’T SOMETHING TO LAUGH OVER”

“sorRY”

HUFFS

and you two continue your raid of the mall

exiting a new shop with more bags each time :”)

at one point y’all entered a furniture shop and accidentally walked into the beds section

the worker there mistakes you for a couple and smirks at you two 👀👀

yOU TWO SUDDENLY REALIZE WHAT THE SMIRK MEANT

AND HURRIED OUT OF THE STORE

y’all also entered the toy store jisung works at

and jisung’s co-workers are all staring at you two

especially sungwoon and jaehwan who followed you two around the shop talking loudly about how jisung was boyfriend material

“DID YOU KNOW JISUNG IS GREAT AT COOKING RAMEN???”

“OH REALLY???”

“YEAH WHOEVER MARRIES HIM WOULD BE LUCKY”

JISUNG WAS SWEATIN G

WHY ARE HIS FRIENDS SO EMBARRASSING

“y/N LETS LEAVE THE SHOP”

“what- i haven’t finished-”

PUSHES YOU OUT

but doesn’t forget to buy you a gift from the shop

after wandering around the mall more, you two end up in front of the giant christmas tree 

the lights casted shadows around 

and you turn to face jisung, finding him looking up at the tree with those stars in his eyes

then he turns to face you with that huge smile of his

and bOY HIS FACE ILLUMINATED BY THE LIGHT WHILE HE SMILES HNNNNG

then he suddenly pulls out a rabbit soft toy

“merry christmas y/n! here’s your present!!”

this was the same rabbit you had claimed to be staring at while you were actually staring at jisung

“you were staring at this the other day right?”

yOU BURST INTO LAUGHTER

jisung thought you were laughing at his gift :(

“IM NOT LAUGHING AT THE GIFT, I’M JUST LAUGHING BECAUSE,,”

“because??”

“I WASN’T ACTUALLY STARING AT THE RABBIT, I WAS STARING AT YOU,,,,, THANK YOU ANYWAYS THOUGH”

and yOU SNATCH THE RABBIT FROM HIS HANDS

TO HIDE YOUR REDDENING FACE

jisung’s face lights up at this

“y/n?”

“yes?”

“what do you think about today being our first day?”

“??first day??”

“yeah, as a couple”

STATIONARY SHOPS MAKE ME GO BROKE OSFDGBOSB

also this was lowkey kinda shit,,,,, jisung’s actually a ray of sunshine in human form and i love him so much anyone who says he’s ugly can come fight me

[libraryofmegharoni]

The Heart's Invisible Furies [John Boyne]

started: March 21, 2021 finished: March 24, 2021 rating: 5/5

review:

its now been 2 weeks since i finished The Heart's Invisible Furies and tbh i still dont have the words to describe it.

first of all i've apparently wanted to read this book for at least 3 years. after i got it i found it on a random list of books in my notes of books i wanted that i made couple years ago. i have absolutely no idea where i heard about it the first time. i actually dont remember where i heard of it or why i put it on my list a couple months ago but evidently i did.

this was one of the (many) books that i intentionally didn't read the synopsis of and didn't want to know anything about it before reading. i knew bits going into it. i had the general info that it was about a boy born in Ireland who was adopted, it's set during The Troubles, and its gay enough to have the 'LGBT' tag on goodreads.

after a day of reading it my only comment i wrote down was: i think i cried 6 times reading the first 100ish pages.

which honestly sums up my entire experience reading the entire book.

the novel is organized so that each section is every seven years. there's a total of 11 sections so it covers 77 years all about Cyril Avery's life. the first section is about his mother dealing with being an unwed 16 year old pregnant woman in mid-1940s Ireland. and let me say: the actions of most of the 'adults' are absolutely horrific. the first chapter is Cyril's mother, Catherine, being kicked out of her village at Sunday Mass. her entire family and the rest of the village are against her and back the priest who tells her she has like an hour to leave the village and never come back.

when she gets on a bus to Dublin, she meets Seán who is also escaping his village to Dublin. they arrive and are greeted by Seán's 'friend' Jack who reluctantly agrees to let Catherine stay with them until she can support herself. its pretty obvious that Seán and Jack are a little more than friends but Catherine doesnt think anything of it until the end of the section. before the end tho, we meet the only valid adult / person of a previous generation, Mrs. Hennessy. i absolutely loved that she makes an appearance the the following section and gets name dropped throughout the rest of the novel. this first section is where we learn her general backstory and god fucking damn it i was appalled. at this point its less than 50 pages into the book and i was nearly full on sobbing. and the tears dont let up from there either! right after finding out what Mrs. Hennessy has gone through, Catherine returns back to the apartment she shares with Seán and Jack and once again there's adult and parent who is absolutely horrendous. this is finally when Catherine learns that the two boys are actually in a relationship because, who we later learn is Seán's father, who Seán was escaping from when he left his village, forces himself into the apartment. within the next few minutes, there is a filicide , someone left on the brink of death, and a birth.

this is literally all 50 pages into a nearly 600 page book. it sets the tone for the rest of it and gives a solid understanding of the mindset of Ireland in this time.

7 years later, we finally meet Cyril as as not just the concept that is causing issues for Catherine. we're introduced to the couple that adopted Cyril, who are odd to say the least. they are the type of parents that didn't really want a child because they were ready but instead as a show piece. the Avery's also constantly remind Cyril (and others) that he is 'not a real Avery'. hmm i wonder if this will have an impact on Cyril's future relationships?????

his relationship with Julian Woodbead is one of the most important to Cyril's life. i think its talked about later in the novel how their friendship is built on a lie. from the start Cyril is obsessed with Julian and Julian doesnt acknowledge it really. the perception of their friendship is so biased since we are viewing the world from Cyril's point of view and how he is effected. because of this perceptive, its so hard to believe that Julian didn't know that Cyril was in love with him. but i think Julian was such a product of the environment his was raised in and living by the acceptable ideas of the time. from an early age one of his defining traits is essentially being a womanizer. its hard to tell how much of him is just for show and how different him, and Cyril, would be free of a society with such strict exceptions and definitions of right and wrong. was Julian truly completely straight? or was he lying to everyone and himself to fit in with society?

Cyril deals with his repression of being gay in such a detrimental way the entire time he lives in Ireland. he constantly lies to everyone in his life and forces himself to live a lie. his inability to confide in anyone leads him to getting engaged to, sleeping with, and ultimately marrying Julian's sister, Alice.

oh my god the lead up to the marriage ceremony and the events after hurt so many people and i didn't know who's side i was on for them. Cyril ends up in a relationship with Alice and somehow engaged to her. he almost breaks it off with her but every time he cant say the words. its heartbreaking thinking about Cyril was just so fearful to tell the truth to people who loved him.

its finally on the wedding day that Cyril confesses to Julian that he doesnt love Alice in any romantic way because he's gay and is actually in love with Julian. Cyril wants to Julian to allow him to not go forward with the marriage but with Alice's past (she had a previous fiance that left her at the alter) Julian tells Cyril that he's going to marry his sister and be a perfect husband to her.

Cyril does it. partially. he marries Alice then flees the entire country. coming from Cyril's point of view, i was relived that he was free from lying to everyone. but on the other side -- he just left everyone hurt and unhappy in the wake of his actions. its so easy to see how Cyril feels forced into his decisions but understanding how those decisions affect the people around him make it hard to support Cyril.

7 years later we meet the most important man in Cyril's life, Bastiaan. after leaving Ireland, Cyril ends up in Amsterdam, where it is so much more acceptable to be gay holy shit. he meets and starts dating Bastiaan there. Bastiaan helps Cyril unlearn a lot of what he was forced to live by and accept who he is as a person.

he also meets Jack who opened an Irish pub in Amsterdam with the name of Seán's last name. when i realized it was Jack from before and Jack named his pub after Seán made me weep like a fucking baby.

i could list all the times i started crying but i would end up crying all over again and have to add more to the list.

anyway in Amsterdam Cyril and Bastiaan acquire a foster son, Ignac, who just like everyone else in this novel, has a tragic past. after some events (another murder, this time the dick head is the one killed instead of the one doing the killing) and the three of them end up in New York.

they are in America during the beginning of the AIDS crisis and holy shit. yeah more balling. thats the main takeaway.

in New York, Cyril volunteers to talk to AIDS patients who are dying but have no family visiting them. one of the patients is Julian. once again i turn into a fucking baby. Julian reveals to Cyril that he has a son back in Ireland from the one time he slept with Alice. im gonna cry if i think about Julian and Cyril talking anymore i stg. but uhh Julian makes Cyril promise that he'd be the one to call Alice when he died and once Julian does pass, Cyril has every intention on doing just that. but before he can, him and Bastiaan are jumped by a group of thugs who end up seriously injuring Cyril and killing Bastiaan.

7 years later, Cyril is back in Ireland with Ignac. this time he is in Ireland as an openly gay man and is attempting to build a relationship with his son.

there's so much more that happens that i can't even convey. but holy fuck was it so god damn fucking good.

finally when Cyril is in his 60s he figures out that he is the son of Mrs. Goggins, who has never really left the story. Cyril and Julian run in to her when they are 14 in boarding school, Cyril runs into her multiple times when he works almost with her, the morning of his wedding at a cafe, and when he returns he works in the same building that she does. so throughout his life his birth mother was right there but neither of them knew it.

after 7 years, they go together back to the village that Catherine was born, raised, and kicked out of. its finally here where we learn the identity of Cyril's birth father (Catherine's aunt's husband).

bro i gotta be done now. like there's much more that i want to talk about regarding The Heart's Invisible Furies but i just cant think of them rn.

tl;dr - ballin like a baby the whole way through. also society sucks.pls read its worth it

[bettycrocker]

i like how people are looking at my joseph analysis and either thing its 100% canon or garbage and horrible and that im just trying to make joseph out to be a villain and that i think robert and mary have no flaws themselves

so have another analysis mostly focused on mary’s issues

this is just my theory guys i never stated anything in there to be canon mary could be an alcoholic for a completely different reason that doesnt relate to josephs cheating in the slightest but i find it hard to believe joseph would settle down with someone he’s fully away has a dependency on alcohol and for years outright do nothing about it to help her especially considering hes a christian youth minister.

it might have something to do with mary mentioning “this isnt my first rodeo, it’s my 5th” which hints that mary has given birth 5 times or shes calling joseph a manchild which would be absolutely savage of her to do right in front of his fucking face

so it leads me to believe she’s either

insulting joseph

has had a 5th child before that she either had to give up or it died at a young age

miscarried

or if the cult ending is real she gave birth to a literal demon at one point

“but travis, she says she gave birth to only four!!!”

c-sections are a thing you guys, she only really mentioned natural birth when she says “squeezed four little”

if she miscarried, lost the child when it was young, or had to give up one of her children, it would definitely hurt her quite a bit. she would most likely resort to self-destructive behavior as a result.

and ive got a lot of people wondering why mary would become friends with robert knowing that he’s slept with joseph. she must not know, right? otherwise she’d just hate robert, right?

nah man

mary’s smart, she pay attention to her surroundings. but she’s not a snitch. she most like did confront robert about it after she put the pieces together but robert was most likely still distraught after being thrown aside by joseph and she couldn’t help but feel bad for him. mary’s an extremely compassionate woman, i dont feel like after getting a full explanation from robert that she’d hate him.

she knows because she figured out on her own, assumed robert was the one who seduced joseph only to find out that joseph did the same thing to robert he did to the main dad; got close, told you that his marriage was over, slept with you, and turned around after not talking to you for a long time and saying that he and mary were gonna work things out.

mary resents joseph for not telling her what he did with robert, even after being aware that she knows what he’s doing and being aware of his lies, pretending that he’s only being nice and happy around mc dad just to get them into bed with him.

the way he acts really does take a toll on her and her coping mechanism is to drink and flirt with other men. it’s 100% not healthy and not something she should be doing to herself but its the only way she knows how to keep her marriage and really theyre only staying together for the sake of their kids. they’re all still extremely young, one being autistic as well. it’d be way too much on all four of them to divorce just out of the blue, especially when the children clearly love their parents very much even if we dont see mary interacting with he children in the story.

while joseph is off doing all his dates and organizing church stuff she’s most likely with the children. she doesn’t seem like the type to just avoid her parental duties when she knows her husband isnt going to be around. if she knows joseph is going to be home she’ll go and volunteer at the animal shelter, go hang out with robert, or just drink alone. she wants to detach herself from the world and try to keep her mind off of josephs infidelity.

keep in mind in the cult ending dialogue she does say “you ruined my life” we could piece that together with joseph just being a demon and forcing mary into the cult, but it can only tie to where her drinking problem comes in with joseph being the cause for her addiction. she’s fully aware that she shouldn’t be drinking as much as she is, but she’s become dependent on it since she cant leave joseph.

mary has her faults absolutely but to demonize her completely just from your first impressions of her isn’t fair. we get the first impression that joseph is a kind man who will bake with you and bring you cookies, but if we pull back a few layers, we can start to see something sinister in that pink polo shirt just like we can find a kindhearted but hurt woman when we look into mary’s wine glass.

mary definitely loves joseph, she most likely met him when he was still a sailor and they got together at a young age, she probably got pregnant which forced them to get married, lost the child in some way which started her drinking problem and then her husband started being unfaithful before they even had their first child. val is at least in her mid to late twenties, robert lost his wife around when she was getting ready to go to college, so if robert was josephs first offense (which i really dont feel like it is), joseph has been doing this for a very long time when you think about their childrens ages.

all in all please dont hate mary, she has been through a lot you dont have to agree with her coping mechanism but you also shouldn’t throw her under the bus for her self-destructive behavior.