#but it do b bc i need to move tf Away this time . i cannot be here any longer so i am . going to overwork myself until im rolling in cash

[29121996]

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[robinofinashiro]

request from anon: “Hi, can I request yandere alphabet for Kyojuro Rengoku 👉👈Thank you and have a good day Queen.”

pairing: yandere! kyojuro rengoku x fem reader

request status: OPENED

A - Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

rengoku does not give a singular fuck who sees him when it comes to giving you affection! you’re in the public? you’ll be holding his hand, kissing your cheek when he feels like it, and if it’s that bad, he’ll do a quickie in the bathroom. 

B - Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

very messy! he doesn’t care. if he sees someone getting too close to you, he’ll make sure to get rid of them as soon as possible. he can’t let anyone get close to you. he’ll go to the ends of the earth to make sure that you’re by his side and that no one comes in between the two of you. 

C - Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

honestly, he’ll mock the hell out of them when he feels like it’s necessary. if you’re purposely doing things to annoy him or going out of your way to piss him off, he’ll make sure to remind you that you’re never leaving him. other than that, he’ll treat you like you’re a princess! you deserve everything in the world and he’ll give it to you if he feels like you deserve it. 

D - Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

despite from the sweet nature that he gives off, he will do ONE thing against your will and that’s to have kids. he needs to continue his family line and since Senjuro isn’t working to be a pillar anymore, he needs to make sure that someone continues that and it might have to be his kid. 

E - Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

rengoku, when he feels like the time is right, will bare everything to his darling. come on now, you’re gonna be his wife, right? it’s only right that you know what his baggage is! he doesn’t care if you judge him or not, when it comes to this sort of thing, he kinda wears his heart on his sleeve. 

F - Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

he would be kinda pissed. you’re supposed to be this perfect wife/darling and by you acting out, he doesn’t sit well with that. why can’t you be more like Sanemi’s wife? a perfect little darling that just sits there and waits for her husband like she should. punishment is a whole other ballgame that i will touch on later. 

G - Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

absolutely tf not. how can this be a game to someone? rengoku is the kinda person where if he meets someone that he falls madly in love with, he’ll stick by you until one of you dies first and even then, he might commit sewerslide if you happen to be the one to go first. however, he might get a kick watching you trying to leave him bc it’s nearly impossible to leave where you’re trapped.

H - Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

rengoku’s affection, jesus christ. that shit could get mad annoying. if he’s had a particularly bad day, just brace yourself and let it happen bc he will be one affectionate mf. it could get to the point where he’ll be affection even into the next day if it’s that bad. 

I - Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

literally a picture perfect life. (very much the american dream in a sense). he wants kids, hell, if you want pets of some sort, he’s down to adopt a few dogs or whatever you or your kids want. he just wants everyone to see that his family is perfect and how far he’s willing to go for them. 

J - Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

oh absolutely. rengoku is the type of mf that if he sees someone flirting with his darling, he’s ending that shit QUICK. he cannot and will not let it happen. clearly it isn’t your fault so he’ll console you that you had no way of knowing what that scums intentions were and after he’s done with that, he’ll try to find the person to give them a lesson. 

K - Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling

he will be very clingy like i said. he wants everyone to know that his relationship is perfect but in private, double that. he’ll make sure that you know you’re loved and that he wouldn’t trade his life with you for anything in the world. 

L - Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

he would try the attempt to court you at first. rengoku is someone who is very charming so 8/10 times, it’ll work. however, if you’re being stubborn, that’s when the other side of rengoku comes out. but if you do decide to date him willingly, he’s the sweetest mf ever. he’ll bring you courting gives to every date, etc, etc. 

M - Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

honestly, rengoku is seen as the black sheep in the sense that he’s always readily happy and enthusiastic. not much changes when he’s in the public. unless you happen to piss him off in public, seemingly the only time when he would change his personality. 

N - Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

he doesn’t try to do it often, he hates seeing you hurt. but if you happen to actually piss him off to the point where you need to be punished, anything ranging from being alone for days to sexual punishment (that i wont be going into detail for).

O - Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

not many tbh. you have free range into his entire estate. however if he has maids working around, they know it’s best for them not to talk to you. he wont let you leave his estate to speak to anyone. you have the right to anything as long as you’re not trying to leave or get into contact with someone. he’ll even let you visit your friends or family as long as he’s there. 

P - Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

eh, he’s about 50/50. he can be very patient with you or be ticked off almost immediately. more than likely tho, he’ll deal with your shit most days. the days that he doesn’t, it’s probably bc he had already probably had a bad day and you’re just making shit worse. 

Q - Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

if you die, rengoku won’t move on and like i said before, he’d probably commit sleep forever. if you escape, he’ll spend the rest of his days looking for you. regardless if you escape or die, he won’t move on. you’re his and you will remain that way important person in his life. 

R - Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

to a certain point, he’d feel guilty. i think the only thing eating him up is the unethical part in all of this. the fact that he’s basically abducted you and refuses to let you go. but will he ever let you go? absolutely not. you’d have to kill him before that happens. 

S - Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

i see the only way this happening is bc of his life. his childhood wasn’t the greatest but it wasn’t exactly the worst so idk, i think more than anything it was out of curiosity and probably seeing others do it that make him snap. 

T - Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

if rengoku isn’t at fault for making you upset, he’s HEARTBROKEN. he doesn’t like seeing you that way and he’ll find the person that did it and make them pay for it. HOWEVER, if he was the cause of it, he almost turns into a wall and brushes it off, probably murmuring that you deserved whatever it is that made you cry. 

U -Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

honestly no. he wouldn’t only bc he’s very much the person that finds the classics of being a yandere as the only way to do it. anything like killing your darling or along those lines are way to extreme for him and he doesn’t like it when others step out of line. 

V - Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

SENJURO RENGOKU. his little brother is also his world and i think if you catch kyojuro in a situation where you can exploit senjuro, he might give in but honestly, it probably won’t hurt and it’ll be worse for you when he finally has you alone. 

W - Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

like i said before, only if it was necessary. he wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt you if you didn’t deserve it. he doesn’t like seeing you hurt and he hates seeing you cry so only if it came to you being a brat would he then actively physically punish you. 

X - Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

ehhhhhh, not really. he sees this relationship as 50/50 however he did kinda worship you when he wasn’t your boyfriend/husband but he would go different lengths in order to win you over. he doesn’t really care what he has to do, he will make you his whether you like it or not. 

Y - Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

tbh, it doesn’t take long before he snaps. if he sees you going out with someone and he feels like you might leave him, that’ll be a point. if he sees you being too free, that might be another point. in general, less than a year before he snaps. hell, less than half a year. 

Z - Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

mentally, YES! physically, if he needed to. but not to the point where he’s killed you. 

[i-need-air]

Hey it's me again ❤️

I'm just gonna whisper something in your mind (is that even possible?)

Having a baby with Hybrid Katsuki.

Just that. Imagine girl. Perfection.

Ok, real talk here. Every time I see a request from you I uwu a little bit bc I know for a fact whatever you're requesting will make me get so immersed and involved and I'm gonna 💕💞AAAAAA💕💞 while writing AND [lemmecatchmybreath] it happened once again skdjdkfkf Hope you enjoy and sorry it took longer than normal~

Word count: 1.8k

× listen 🥺 I already started and I'm melting, ok?

× when he finds out you're having a smol baby together?

× he freezes and looks at you in a whole different light

× if you're getting pregnant, he will definitely smell the change in your scent and will know even before you do; he'd be instantly by your side with a bewitched expression on his face, taking your cheeks into his palms to just soak everything in yet he's shaking slightly

× and even if you adopt [hopefully a smol hybrid], something deep inside of Katsuki, burried and long forgotten surfaces

× this is the life he always wanted, he always craved even in his darker moments

× this happiness, this fulfillment, this joy

× I absolutely believe he will diligently read and learn everything about the baby to come; will educate himself like no other, deciding to be the very best father he could ever be

× his life was rough and he was stolen away from his biological family, he will now have a chance to have his own and he will not fail you or the baby

× when you hold the little bundle of sunshine in your hands, head down admiring the beauty of a new life, he will stand there, again in shock, again soaking this moment in... so beautiful, so perfect

× will he ever tell you that? of course not; angry ass wild pomeranian—

× but his face gives him away every single time and when you tilt yourself to hand him his new son or daughter, he falls in love for the second time in his life;

× he burries his nose in the soft and fragile skin of the baby's head and breathes in, his instinct kicking in to defend, protect, care, look out for...

× watch carefully because once the baby makes a noise, he'll still, unsure of what to do, but smile so softly as the baby coos in his arms securely; that right there is the best image you can have of soft Katsuki.

× the first few weeks are actually horrible, sorry to break it to everyone aksjskdj not because he doesn't know what to do or does not want to help; on the contrary, he is so incredibly attentive but he also recites the books he learned by memory at this point and it's getting absolutely infuriating;

× although understand him, please; he wants to prove he's a good dad 🥺 except you wanna smack him bc he scoffs if you suggest something he isn't sure about.

× you will find him standing by the baby's crib as it sleeps; he's just???? making sure this is not a dream????? don't question anything though

× can we hc Bakugou with a daughter too? [ already established in the Hybrid!Kiri hcs that Kiri'd have daughter bUT i just really really like beefy men with tiny daughters;;; my heartttt;;; ]

× his little angel, no discussion, no argument, his daughter can do NO WRONG!

× he's very down to earth though, don't get me wrong, he just absolutely adores spoiling her

× speaks softly into her ear, the lowest you'd hear from him

× gruff, raspy, gutural voice ofter overused to scream now low and soft as he holds her into his chest; doesn't do baby-voices or anything like that, but calls her his angel then smirks at you if you're watching;;; then starts softly complaining and bitching about you to the baby 💀 all while rubbing her back

× omfg his hand is as big as her tiny back; guys, call an ambulance, I'm—

× Katsuki would be the type of little shit to pull what I just said then grab you and glue you to his chest too; he'd look down at you both, eyes shining in such adoration he'd take your breath away just before he continues his ranting about you;

× once the baby starts being more interactive, her giggles specially the ones induced by her daddy will make him melt; absolute diminute baby with a small wiggling tail clapping her chubby hands at her dad? his eyes would widen suddently, ears snapping high in surprise and he's taken back by the emotions overtaking him

× he's gone, man; she has him wrapped around her tiny little finger and you can't do anything about it

× instantly acts all in denial if someone is around though; scoffs to hide is obvious smile, placing a palm on his mouth to further block it out and tickles her with the other, earning another fit of giggles

× please, don't tell him his whole tail is waving from side to side

× the only clear giveaway apart from his ears and it's;;; a d o r a b l e;;;

× specially when your daughter also starts wagging her tail in response whenever he does it;

× "Hey, come see what the dumbass is doing!" or "Look at what she did" while showing you a video; proud pappa 🥺

× we're bringing back Proud Bakugou bc hIS DAUGHTER iS tHe BeSt; no, seriously, his kid is the mf best in the world and he will start this presentation with—

× now sit down with me and accept this: the baby; yes, your sweet daughter; mhm, that adorable screeching angel; mhm;;; she'll talk so early it's disturbing.

× at 6 months or so she's already saying mamma, dadda, kitty, woof-woof

× seriously terrifying how sharp she is and how she cannot shut up; for the love of gOd, Katsuki, this is all your fault... it doesn't matter, he just smirks as he has another reason to brag to anyone about his child

× did that street vendor look at him funny? "I'M GONNA FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAUGHTER—"

× super-protective of her and fucking hates with a burning passion if anyone dares to do that thing where they match up babies saying "Maybe they'll get married when they grow up"

× hands down, no filter, he just looks deep down in whoever had the audacity and says "Like fucking shit they'd deserve her."

× drag him away before he throws fists

× he will definitely if you don't drag him away and you know it, they know it, the baby knows it and cheers for pappa, the whole world knows it at this point and they're buying tickets to watch the shitshow

× chest carrier and walks around with the kid like a boss

× man has shit to do, don't even dare to judge him;

× handles fits really well, he's impressive to say at least

× she's spoiled, yes and always has new toys, coloring books, whatever she wants but the moment she throws fits, he puts his foot down

× baby would be smol angery bb all adorable in all her Bakugou genetics anger and he'd just stare, tapping his foot

× literally waits in place until she calms and looks up at him with big, round eyes, puffy red cheeks and ears lowered

× mission accomplished; he nods then picks her up;

× and you're there amazed??????

× "The fuck you lookin' at?" lil shit still has a foul mouth tho, but make him get just as pouty and embarrassed as the child in his arms by saying something cheesy like "How amazing you are as a dad 💕"

× all rainbows and unicorns until she starts repeating insults and fr tho, Katsu almost shits his pants, fearing your reaction. Will, hands down, chill out with the insults even if he meant no damage with them; he has this unreadable expression on, a mix of shame and fluster, dread too? he's sorry, ok????

× loves, loves, loves cooking for you both and once the kiddo has her own special chair to sit at the dining table together, that's when he sees it: his dream

× you, wiping some food off her cheek with a loving expression, talking about your day casually, baby giggling while she moves her face away playfully; he loves you both so much.

× has these rare moments where, at the end of the day once you're settled in bed, he'd hug you tight and thank you in his mind for... for this... all of it...

× once she starts walking they're both a disaster

× seriously, do not expect the household to be silent ever again [ well, that dream was gone long ago anyway lol ]

× "Where the fuck do you think you're goin'?"

× rapid giggle running around from place to place

× "Oh, for fucks—"

× "Katsuki." you only need to say, catching him in his insults

× 😳 ... "Kid, come back, we're goin' to the park." Skdjkdfkl

× sudden adorable tiny fast steps approach him bc they're going for walkies!

× he is very careful with her and teaches her about stranger danger; also teaches her how to growl and even if her attempt is a total failure, small rawr leaving her lips, he's like "Yes. Good job. Now give it more heart."

× he growls as an example

× she growls back, sounding like a cute lil pup 🥺💕

× as she grows up, she obviously acts more like her father yet he knows when to stop the bad behaviors and it only takes a warning growl from him to get her to cease

× yet somehow you're the strict parent at the end of the day??????? tf????????? who made the rules??????

× starts calling her brat, squirt, lil shit 💕lovingly💕

× "your child" if she did something bad

× "Your fucking child kicked the ball into the vase and broke it." Aha, nice one, Katsuki. Good job.

× not to brag but her puppy eyes don't work on him but yours do; the problem is her puppy eyes do work on you bc she's the light of your life so if she wants something; she'll puppy-eye you knowing you'll get it for her bc daddy loves you very much 💕💞

× literally evil mastermind; didn't I tell you she's sharp? pft, she's playing you both so hard

× every day he comes back from work she runs to him at the door, tail wiggling happily behind her as she stretches her arms to be picked up and he always does, without a doubt, then proceeds to kiss the top of her head

× come out to greet him too? the whole loving routine is his absolute thing and wants to see you, have you kiss his cheek; he complains but adores it soooooo much!

× you have a family night; BONDING WITH MOODY POMERANIANS. Yes, plural, and it sounds perfect~

× even if it's just one of those animated movies he hates so much, he'll watch through all of it and make sarcastic comments just to make you both laugh; will grin satisfied asf if he manages to do so bc he's the best.

× will definitely want another kid, so how about maybe a boy??? hmm???

× asks you if you're up for the idea and if you agree, he'll roll his eyes and crack his shoulders, acting so very uninterested and purely exhausted yet his smirk would give him away:

× "Knew you'd torture me with another devil"

× throw him out, istg— 💀

[phoebehalliwell]

do you mayhaps have any thoughts on (dark future) chris’s daddy issues...

Of Course I Do!!!!!!!!!! okay so here’s the thing is in my dark future is wyatt isn’t found until like 2008 and during that entire period it’s just like piper and leo manically searching for him, while chris is being raised by paige, phoebe, and victor but they don’t really represent like strong parental figures for him just because he’s constantly switched between the three of them. i think leo’s home more than piper because leo’s main strategy is asking people for information and like keeping his ear to the ground while piper’s method is more murder every single demon ever so she spends a lot of her time on the hunt. so like,, y’know chris is like a three year old doing like three year old things y’know like he fingerpaints a lil family portrait in preschool that obvi doesn’t have wyatt on it bc chris doesn’t know who that is and as he is three can’t quite wrap the head around the concept that he has an older brother but he was kidnapped and they’re trying to find him all he really registers is that his dad hates the painting. so chris is like okay L he didn’t like that so i should try to find something to make him happy so that’s what tiny lil chris does except it keeps not working and leo’s never really engaged and chris is like okay what the fuck??

they find wyatt when chris is four and they bring him back and chris is sorta like ??? who tf is this??? why is he so mean to me because let’s face it wyatt is Fucked Up bc uhh you don’t get tortured for like 5 years and not get like a really damaged skew perspective of how the world is. wyatt bullies chris Like A Lot. like in every manner of the word. and piper and leo keep trying to take wyatt’s side bc they’re sorta hoping everything will straighten out he just needs some time he’s just adjusting to being back and chris is like ??????? like i’m being hurt here please take my side???

so whatever they both get older and chris definitely starts isolating himself from the rest of the family bc he’s tired of obviously being the one everyone cares about the least. wyatt’s definitely proficient in killing demons by the age of nine and i think chris definitely tries to keep up with his brother but there’s no use he just isn’t as powerful of a witch as wyatt is. at age twelve wyatt runs away from home and piper and leo don’t really chase after him bc they lowkey know it’s futile and chris is like ten and it’s now just him and his parents (alternately mellie too if that’s the plotline you’re going for) and like piper and leo literally have nothing to pay attention to other than chris and yet they just don’t??? like they’re already so broken from the whole wyatt being incredibly fucked up that they just deadass can’t do it again and chris is like motherfuckers??? i’m your son too???? like??

and so piper trains him in witchcraft and she’s very stern and very serious but like at least she’s there. chris definitely sorta comes to revere her as like this really all time powerful witch because like that’s basically what she is. and they sort of have a bond it’s definitely not what a mother/son relationship should be she’s more like a strict teacher but it’s better than nothing (also lowkey why chris has so much trouble calling her “mom” in s6 but calling her “piper” is basically second nature). leo on the other hand is of no help i think after wyatt is officially declared a lost cause leo really drowns himself in charges trying to remind himself that a) there is still good in the world b) if given the proper guidance people can achieve great things and c) that he’s not a total, colossal fuck up.

and then wyatt starts picking off sisters with phoebe being the first to die in new york and chris is like do you think this could be wyatt but piper’s like no phoebe bound her powers any demon could have found her and killed her it was just a matter of time and piper starts to like shut down bc her sister’s dead but she’s trying to feel anything because they split up a long time ago they were barely even sisters anymore so it doesn’t hurt. it doesn’t hurt. it doesn’t hurt. and she shifts into high gear. piper’s training of chris becomes a lot more merciless. whatever bond they had is put on the back burner in favor of making him the best witch possible. paige is killed and they know piper will be attacked next. chris is like confident it’s wyatt but he’s stopped voicing those opinions around his mother bc she shuts them down every single time.

the killing of piper is very dramatic. excessively so. piper’s in the dining room and chris is upstairs in his bedroom when everything in the house starts rattling. chris moves to go downstairs to piper when legions of demons start to shimmer in. chris’s view is obscured by a pack of demons standing in the stairwell but he can here blasting and the sounds of demons dying from downstairs. the weird thing is, none of the demons he can see are moving. they’re not even bothering to attack his mother. they just seem to be waiting for something. realization hits chris. they’re waiting for

wyatt? the blasting stops as chris hears his mom call out to his older brother. he knows he has to do something quick before wyatt kills piper. he just doesn’t know what. he starts with the demons obscuring his view. he’s studied them, he knows what they are, and more importantly, where their hearts are. he silently works, crushing their hearts but keeping the bodies upright telekinetically, so as to not alert the demons standing around them. he’s maxed out a six demons but it seems to be enough, everyone else is enthralled by the show downstairs. piper is starting to cry. chris soundlessly moves the six corpses down the hall and move into place as subtly as possible. piper’s now full on bawling with all the pain she had tried to tamp down regarding phoebe and paige’s deaths and the fact that wyatt is the one that killed them all of it’s bursting to the surface and she’s so broken but wyatt doesn’t go in for an easy kill. he’s try to goad her into a fight. he’s asking her to demonstrate the wrath of the charmed ones, the great power he was born from. he’s asking her to die with a little dignity. piper can no longer form words she’s crying so hard. wyatt kicks her around a little bit, trying to elicit any form of a violent reaction, but it’s no use. chris can barely stand to watch.

wyatt, ever the performer, can tell he’s losing his audience. he decides to cut his losses. no fight, but at least a good death. his projection power hones a fine blade, and it swings towards piper in a definitive arc. chris shouts, trying to stop it, trying to telekinetically harden the molecules around his mother to make some sort of shield, but all it does is slow the blade down. piper’s not decapitated, but there’s a huge gash in her neck and she’s going to bleed out. and now chris has exposed himself.

wyatt turns to see his brother and he smiles, delighted to see him, and he calls him down. when chris refuses to move wyatt orbs him down, so chris is standing right next to piper, who’s fighting to stay alive, and wyatt’s like y’know what i’m feeling merciful today. i’ll make a deal with you. if you can heal mom, i promise Not to kill her. saying this knowing fully well chris has never been able to heal but chris is like fuck u i’ll prove you wrong i can do this okay it’s now or never i can do this i can do this except he most definitely Cannot. and he’s holding his hand over piper and he’s trying to heal her and he’s screwing up his face and his concentrating so so hard and wyatt’s just laughing at him bc they both know it’s not going to work. and wyatt walks over to chris and crouches down next to him, rests his hand on his shoulder and is like it’s okay and he hold his hand out and he heals piper. and piper comes to and sees both her boys standing above her and she realize wyatt’s healed her and even though her body won’t stop crying she almost starts to smile and then wyatt crushes her skull. and chris is screaming himself raw he can’t even form words and wyatt just having a ball and wyatt stands up dragging chris up with him and he claps his brother on the chest and is like you’re welcome to defend her honor. i’m really hoping to get at least one fight out of this and chris is like blind with range forgets all his training he just starts savagely attacking wyatt and wyatt’s goddamn loving it he’s dodging effortlessly, countering all of chris’s blows, and attacking in a great spectacle of ways. the fight is less about chris, and more about putting on a show for the underworld. he’s broken chris’s nose, send him flying up into the crystal chandelier, cut multiple gashes across chris’s face, and snapped chris’s femur. chris can’t do anything but scream, and he knows he’s going to lose the fight. chris orbs out. wyatt grins at where chris once was and holds out his hand, bring the other to his temple. but he can’t reach chris. he’s being cloaked somehow - chris himself definitely doesn’t have the capabilities. wyatt pretends this move is all part of the show, he brings the chandelier crashing down, send the orbs flying. he smiles to his new people, and they bow to the new leader of the underworld.

somewhere in sao paulo, leo heals chris from the brink of death. chris explains to his father what happened and leo keeping shaking his head like no no that can’t be right you must have got something wrong you must have misunderstood something and chris is like !!!!! i fucking didn’t!!! wyatt killed piper okay wyatt killed your wife do something about it!! and leo’s like what do you want me to do? and chris is like help me fight him. help me stop him and leo’s like i can’t do that. wyatt’s my son. and chris is like I’M YOUR SON but leo just shakes his head softly and says i’m sorry. that’s the last time chris ever sees his father.

[toxicxxmyth]

Dating Richard Camacho headcanon

Authors Note: This all over the place lmao so bear with me. I also got a little carried away oops.

Y’all prolly met at the club or a house party tbh(like almost every other Richard fic :’)

And you were there looking bomb as ever ;)

And he was there looking fine as ever ;)

And you were just in a corner talking to a few friends when he sat beside you

At first it wasn’t a big deal bc it’s a couch..hello

But when y’all got a good look at each other’s faces under the smoke and blue laser lights

Y’all were like

:0

So that’s how you met, lol

It might’ve taken a long time for you guys to actually start dating

With him being so private and secure when it comes to relationships

And you having bad experience with relationships

You guys took it slow, yet you both considered each other as your s/o even if you guys haven’t even shared a kiss

And after, let’s say, four months, y’all started dating

Anyway

Starting now with and actual headcanon

My boy’s hands are on you 24/7

Your hips, waist and ass are his hand holders

Literally cannot get enough of you

If you’re cooking you can bet your ass he’s wrapping his arms around you(or just unpacking takeout if you don’t cook)

Squishing you into his buff chest with his strong arms :’) whatta dream

Even in public his hands are wrapped tightly or losely around your waist, 0 fucks given at the pictures people take or the stares

He’s you number one support and judge

Perfect candidate to take to the mall when you want to buy some clothes or whatever

This is one horny ass man(but y’all knew that already)

Anything you wore he’d just melt and start making Inappropriate jokes

“How’s this one” you’d mutter mostly to yourself as you examined the dress

“It’s great ma, it look even better on the floor tho” He’d chuckle darkly

But your just like

“guess I’ll fuck him in the dressing room ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “

Sometimes you have those down moments where you basically just hate yourself(terrible fucking feeling m8)

BUT RICHARD IS HAVING NONE OF THAT

I feel like he’d cancel EVERYTHING he has on his schedule and clean the whole house and set up the cutest fort and puts on a shit ton of Disney movies and snacks for you

He takes his time leaving soft and gentle kisses all over your body, starting from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, whispering sweet nothings in your ear before lazily clicking play on the little mermaid

He could barely focus on the movie

His hands would be draped lazily over your stomach squeezing the soft skin(making you uwu)and his head buried in the crook of your neck, giving you innocent kisses

A wide smile permanent on your face

You’d order some take out and just drink some red wine as he worships your body in the most innocent ways possible to the dirtiest ways

This dude is the dream boyfriend once he’s met the one honestly

and vice versa

Every time he feels down(which isn’t a rare thing) you’d be there.

His head would be against your chest as you softly massage his scalp, lips pressed against his forehead and you whispered all the things you love about him and all the good qualities that he has

MELTING IS WHAT THIS BOY IS DOING ON THE INSIDE

MELTING

Anywhore, moving on

it took Richard 6 months for him to introduce you to Aaliyah bc he wanted to make sure that you were actually serious

Which is completely understandable

He was so nervous bc like

whAT if you don’t want that big of a commitment??

Or what if Aaliyah doesn’t like you???

His worst nightmare is both his baby girls not getting along

Literally had to take a moment alone so he could recompose himself

He wouldn’t know what hell to do if both the loves of his life dont get along

But let’s be honest

He was stressing for nothing

You guys ended up loving each other

It took Aaliyah a few minutes to open up due to her shyness

But y’all ended up being the best of friends

And Richards heart just meLTED

You ended up befriending Yocelyn too

And Richards all like :0

If you weren’t confident before you met him, then he really did boost your confidence up little by little

Starting with random messages throughout the day

Some sweet other explicit ;)

Would take so many pictures and videos of you just so you could see how pretty you are

And if you were already confident(which we all should be :’)

Y’all would take some bomb ass pictures together

Like them cute ass insta couples

Will make such cute and inappropriate comments under your posts

Making many fans gush and hollar

Ugh, goals man, literal goals

Most fans don’t take the news well

Hate comment after hate comment

But you know what?

Y’all prolly fucking too hard to pay attention

This man is a sex God(I have no proof but I have no doubts either)

Y’all caNNOT change my mind

Pull out game weak(sorry lol)

But goOD THING YOU’RE ON THE PILL!!

This one kinky motherfucker istg

From bondage to breeding to choking to ooff I need a shower

Will take you anywhere in the house

The couch? check

Kitchen? check

Guest room? check

I want to say that he’s into public sex but I doubt it, like he’d think it’s hot but he wouldn’t want to risk anything

LUCKILY YOU’RE THERE TO PUSH HIS BUTTONS!!! ;)))))

Lazy make out sessions are a common thing

Lots of booty grabbing

My man loves that booty

You get along perfectly with the guys

Even though at first all of you were a bit iffy

Because

“Oh shit, new girl and she isn’t a one night stand :0”

But after like a week maybe, all of you started getting more comfortable

Maybe a little too comfortable which had Richard seeing red

I mean

He’d love the fact that everyone was getting along

BUT THERES BOUNDARIES !!

Ooff did I mention that he’s super protective with a tad bit of possessiveness

Not enough to be considered dangerous or unhealthy but enough to irritate you

“Like back tf up bruh I can protect myself”

And he’s all like

:0

You could be at the club, dancing and having the time of your life and some guy just creeps up behind you

And Richards got this murderous look on his face that even scared you

But let’s not lie, mad Richard is a sexy Richard

Y’all have some bomb sex after but then a deep conversation about your faithfulness to each other

Speaking of conversations

It’s 2:49am and y’all talking bout raiding Area 51 or some shit

You’re both drunk off sleep that you just go deep in thought

Or it could be 11:11pm and you guys are just confessing your love for one another

Singing his songs while you clean around the house or catch up on your work

And his just staring at you with the biggest heart eyes

Random slow dances with or without music happens at least one a week

Dates could go from a fancy ass Italian restaurant or a stop at 7/11 and a drive around the streets listening to slow r&b music

You could be gazing up at the stars and he’d try his best to focus on the road instead of your beautiful face

Days away from him suck ass

With him touring and practicing could be hard on both of y’all

But you make it work

Or when he’s finally home and you have to go to uni or work leaves him a bit disappointed

But you’ll do some romantic shit when you or he gets back

THIS MAN WILL SPOIL THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

will surprise you with diamond earrings or necklaces

You end up calling him your sugar daddy jokingly

Speaking of nicknames

Calls you mami more than your name

Like, does he even know your name?

Prolly not(jk)

You’re just mami, baby girl or babe

But you don’t mind whatsoever

Teaching you Spanish)if you already don’t know it) and kissing you every time you get something right

He’s a messy one lady’s

So every time you fight it’s prolly bc of his mess

You end up yelling at him to clean the mess

And he act all offended but does as you says cause he’s a good boy

Literally cried when Aaliyah calls you mommy

But your panicking

Like full on panicking

Like what if Yocelyn comes and drags your ass??

You’re out here worrying while Richard is bawling his eyes out in happiness

None of them have a problem with it thankfully

It just means you’re treating their baby girl right

Now it’s your cue to cry

Damn you love both of them so much

And he loves both of y’all twice as much

OH and meeting your family would be the end of him

His having a full on breakdown once again

His confidence is out the window

Cause what if they don’t accept him bc he’s a dad????

Or bc he’s constantly on the road and not being able to give you all the love and attention you deserve???

That’ll crush him

And Yashua’s prolly making fun of him lowkey

Your dad(or male figure if you don’t have a dad) would intimidate THE SHIT out of him

But once again, after a few minutes or hour

Everyone got along perfectly

Your family ended up loving him and his family ended up loving you just as much

And there’s so much more that could go on with dating Richard but this is all my poor brain could think of

Plus I’m afraid that if I write more tumblr will fuck my shit up like always :’)

Deuces 🤙🏼

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 9: “Break Down Everything I’ve Built” - Jennet

JENNET

not to be rude but i hate this cast.... me winning immunity didnt even matter bc my bestie got booted tf...

(a little later)

feeling alone, im not even on a tribe anymore. im alone now not furcifer calumma or brookesia, just jennet

(after eating rice)

i know i sound dramatic asf but ffft i was so uneasy starting this game and i didnt feel comfortable or didnt feel excited to play until i started playing with ethan so i guess i relied too much on him but its like... now what?? where do i go from here? like sam, sammy, jones, and mikey voted to keep him so its like... here i am with low numbers again

(after taking a dip in the ocean)

immunity doesnt feel so good when ur number one ally gets sent home...

(after polishing the immunity necklace)

realizing that tonight ive been on the wrong side of both of votes so now im... reevaluating my position in this game. i have to break down everything ive built and start over and see who i can really trust right now

JONES

https://youtu.be/GY0DufoCyLE (after live night)

LOVELIS

So today's been way more eventful! I've had a great conversation with Jennet finally & got caught up on all the live night stuff, thought it was just a live competition that I wasn't able to attend but then I woke up to Ethan being gone LMAO but oh well! I've been targeted the past two rounds but I'm still here so I've just gotta work my options as best I can, and right now I do wanna with with Jessica the most. Apparently Shane put in a lot of work to keep me during live night & I'm thankful but earlier when I tried to talk to him he wouldn't divert from that point & it was a little awkward.. like idk what you want me to do about that... so today's mostly been catching up with the people who I haven't heard much from like Jake, Lindsay etc and seeing where their heads are at, I need to be more involved in something big if I'm gonna be seen as a potential winner should I make it to the end so I'm definitely not shy of jumping ship from Sharon and tryna make something better for myself with the people that voted for me hehe.. 😳😈

JENNET

looking at the memory wall and im feeling very: vulnerable

LINDSAY

12/19 - https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q_KxHilwOebD8G3D8JAZsOMKdgsxFp-b/view?usp=sharing

JESSICA

I know in my last confessional I said I was close with Ethan. After I wrote that, I realized that he was a lot closer with other people than he was with me. Lindsay accidentally added him to an alliance chat and I expected him to freak out in my DMs (or at the very least ask me about it!) since we're supposed to be such good allies. But he didn't say anything! Shane said that he did get an Ethan freakout so I was like hmm... noted. Ethan likes Shane more than me so I am okay to vote him out a lot earlier than I was planning. Ethan also left out a LOT of information about the idols when we talked about them so I instantly knew at merge that he was hiding things from me. When we did that round robin conversation thing, I got Shane early on (I think he was the third person I talked to?) and he pitched voting Ethan which made a lot of sense to me. Plus I was a little worried Ethan could have had the Furcifer idol since he found that Brookesia one so fast. I figured if we were going to make a big move, that was the time to do it because if anyone was suspicious I could just pretend the whirlwind nature of the round was the reason they didn't know what happened. Speaking of idols!!! I'm 95% sure that Furcifer idol is in Sam's pocket. Shane had a vote extort power which he could play on anyone; it would force them to either reveal their entire voting history to this mysterious person OR they would have to give up their vote and sit out of immunity. I guess the vote part isn't public but the immunity part was and for some reason, Sam chose to not reveal his voting history. To Shane and Daisy, who don't know how the idols worked, this is a weird choice. But to me there's only one reason someone doesn't want their voting history revealed and it's because they didn't vote at a tribal which means they have an idol. Shane originally wanted to play the power on Mikey which I strongly did not want because 1) I already know how Mikey has voted and 2) I was pretty sure Mikey didn't have an idol so it's unlikely there was a tribal he didn't vote in and 3) If Mikey asked me about it, I didn't want to lie but I also didn't want to expose Shane. The question is.... does Sam's idol still work? If I had found the idol when I knew there was an easy boot on my team (he has to have found it before Pennino left), then I would have gambled as long as I could have to get the idol to work. My guess is Sam's idol goes until... f7? Maybe f6 or f5. Pennino probably left 3-1, not 4-1, but Sam's missing vote didn't matter because it was unanimous and wasn't read. For this round, right now everyone is probably voting Lovelis. It's the easy vote because he isn't here but personally I don't want to do that. Everyone says Lovelis is inactive but he isn't inactive to me and as far as I know, he is not going to flip on me and thinks I've been looking out for him. Which I have been! Also Lovelis cannot have an idol unless he somehow got the merge one. So to me it's like.... why not take out someone like Sam who (probably) has an idol? Or at least get him paranoid enough so he plays it. He seems like the kind of player who could easily stab me in the back so I'd like to get him before he gets me. Right now my tightest alliance is with Shane/Daisy, though I definitely talk about the game with Shane the most. However I also have good relationships with Lovelis, Sammy, and Mikey. I think Jennet and I are getting along well because as far as I know, I was the first one who told them Ethan's name was going around last time when everyone else seemed too afraid to tell them. They were not into that plan at all but I'm glad that I was honest with them because I don't want that to be a closed relationship at all! They also don’t seem to have a tonne of connections so they’re someone I'd like to keep close. And then Jones/Lindsay/Jake are people who I'm still getting to know but I do trust them.... a bit. I don't see that alliance of 6 lasting long term however I don't mind trying to stick with it to get Sam out before it disintegrates. I also think Shane is coming across as a threat which is great to me. I hope people don't think we're close because I really want to keep that relationship hidden. My entire game is about having everyone think they're my #1 (or at least my #2 or #3) so that they are less likely to leak things I tell them, less likely to vote for me, and more likely to look out for me. Information is power so I try to be in a position where I'll get as much of it as I can. So far it is working! I think. This is truly an essay

(a little later)

Oh also I never get episode titles in games so here are some: "Any way you slice it, it's Survivor madness!" "What a night, what a vote" "Please don't invite me to your messy party" "Social game is on 0!" "Survivor brings out the worst in you" "I'm a chameleon" Some of those are things other people said in other games but... oh well!

JENNET

apparently lovelis is rallying the troops to get them to vote for me bc i voted him out over madison... babe we NEVER spoke, and i spoke to madison ALOT why would i not vote u ? tf... its getting weird

JESSICA

LMAO IGNORE THAT LAST CONFESSIONAL That is not how the advantage works at ALL I now totally understand why Sam rejected it That’s so funny that we really read it that wrong.............. I love reading and comprehending the words that I read Still don’t know where that last idol is but this is so funny.

JENNET

so right now the only people i can trust are sammy, sam, jones, and mikey. i want to trust jake but hes in an alliance with jones, lindsay, daisy, shane, and jessica that he didnt tell me about. jones is playing double agent right now and the only reason i dont find that sketch is bc she told us info that she didnt need to. i will say me and jake had a convo about how we dont trust how shady lindsay has been and we wont target her until most of the og brookesia members are gone. im very scared right now but also very angry

(a little later)

had plans for this vote but sam got his vote taken away. im waiting to see what pops off at tribal/ the few hours before tribal before i can try to get the little band of misfits to settle on who to target first. so far its daisy and shane, i’ll try to sneak lindsay in but honestly i want daisy gone first bc shes hosted me and seen how i play and thats too much of an advantage. she’s dangerous to me and my game

JAKE

https://youtu.be/nZPMXTthz9Q yes I'm becoming paranoid and what?? say it to her face

JENNET

my dream boot order after this round (if lovelis is who goes): daisy shane jessica lindsay and then everything else can fold around itself but ideally jake is next to go

LINDSAY

videos r still uploading but here's my quick tea for this episode: feels way too easy to vote lovelis, keep expecting things to blwo up bc lovelis is throwing jennet's name out there. game way too quiet. shit aint right but i aint know whats wrong. i may be paranoid

JENNET

:ETHAN: ❤️ :JENNET: hours

SAMMY

so I feel like so much happened in this round? let's recap the live night and dive into our thoughts and feelings about where we are right now. So starting off after Madison is voted out, the plan throughout the day was to just vote out whoever stayed out of Madison/Lovelis, right? Okay so I go into this live event thinking that's the plan...not sweating...just chilling right? right okay so I get to talking to people and then I get in a chat with daisy who is my 3rd phone call? Then I hear of this plan to get rid of Ethan?? In my head I was like...blinks...okay so why are we doing this like what is the point y'all are being too complicated. So fast forward Ethan goes home. Then Jones lets me know there was a separate group made before tribal of Jake/Shane/Jones/Jess/Lindsay. Apparently all the people who voted Ethan? This actually pisses me off not gonna lie because I opened the door for a conversation hinting that I knew of a group to daisy/jess/Jake and none of them spilled to me. So I caught them in a lie and it lets me know that they are serious about that group of people and that alliance means something. I thought I was close to daisy and I thought she considered me her #1 ally but the info I have been getting really makes me trust her less. She was working on the idol/bridge with like so many other players which makes sense to how she was able to find so many powers. I feel used. She is close to Shane and it is obvious. I also 100% feel as if the Ethan plan was made before tribal or at least mentioned as an idea. I don't like the vibes I am getting from them and something has to change soon or I am gonna be finding myself in a rough patch. I told Jones about Daisy's powers to let Jones know that Daisy pretty much lied to Daisy about the street car ladies (sorry daisy I still love u but in the moment I felt used because I know ur bridge group is on like the late 30s and you didn't tell me). Daisy is playing the middle and I need to separate myself from her or at least break her and Shane up. She is using Shane as a shield. Also I was added to the justice league alliance and its so cute (Jones, Jennet, Mikey, Me, Sam) I love this group but I will say Sam is my weakest connection and I don't really have much trust in him? Hoping that will change in these upcoming rounds tho. Also, I told Jones about my vote block that lasts until final 5 which we could use to our advantage later in the game. I will be holding onto that as long as possible. The last major update other than me feeling somewhat left out of this "group" would be that Jess asked if I would be down to make a group after the vote of her/Jake/me/mikey which I would actually very much enjoy. Okay that is my longest confessional yet. I hope you enjoy. As of right now my top two allies are Jones/Mikey....Lowest on my trust rankings are Shane and Lindsay.

JENNET

lovelis dming me saying we should get out mikey pfftttt

DAISY

https://youtu.be/mz2Fg_Kvyqo

SAM

https://youtu.be/J81hUWIy6dg

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-dymdy5vjtHdwsY3JSTnovwaSRLvuzQt

JESSICA

me: lovelis will be a jury vote for me! me: nvm!!!! Not sure why being rude to people and attacking them is your strategy on the way out... but you do you!

LOVELIS

I think I mentioned chaos in my previous confessional and I think I just did that so you know what.. I'm content LMAO. I pulled out pretty much all the cards I had left to play this round and if it wasn't enough despite being carried the past two tribals.. then so be it. This has been such a fun past couple days and it's fun to just let loose and see what happens!

[meggannn]

ironically one of my favorite things about shepard/garrus is one of the things i think bioware did least successfully, at least for my personal taste. and i admit this is mostly cause i prefer developing/reading professional or emotionally reserved sheps (at least on the surface) who gradually open up to their li over time, over sheps who wear their heart on their sleeves from the beginning, and there are very few bw romances that really allow you to play that first kind of character, considering you, the pc, have to instigate the romance dialogue. there’s only so much a game can do to mimic a ‘real’ romance after all. even so i do prefer a bit of, if not subtlety, then.... tactfulness, i guess, when the pc pops the question, especially with a character like shepard who is so duty-focused and (until the proposing scene) never really indicated they were driven by their libido when looking for a partner (even if they were joking). so that “do you wanna bang” scene gives me such second hand embarrassment i gotta rewrite most of their entire me2 romance in my head and one day i’ll put it to a fic, but in the meantime...... i’ll just blab about it on tumblr dot com i guess....

like, i like the VIBE that is established. i like that in me2, we get confirmation that: a) garrus’s confidence in personal matters is absolutely nil when it comes to romance, much less an interracial romance; b) it sets up a real sweet theme of realizing they actually DONT know that much about each other’s culture or biology or anything related to their race, and the romance is staged to give them each time to do research on the other’s biology and anatomy (which is practical and common courtesy and the right thing to do! and also a little sweet when you consider how terrified garrus is of screwing it up!), c) however it started, whether facetiously or nervously or enthusiastically, these two are still able to have a nice moment together and acknowledge there are feelings between them that can (and if you ask me, do) still go unsaid. and in me3, we see them both (or at least garrus) in a bit more emotionally stable situation, maybe driven by a desire to see something go right in the middle of the war, so we establish a) garrus is still nervous and treading cautiously, but b) confident enough to prepare for a reunion, to articulate his questions about their relationship, to let shepard know he’s there for them regardless, and c) if you confirm the relationship, shepard and garrus can tease each other as friends and work together as soldiers and still have a supportive emotional/intimate partnership in their private time. 

i just think you can have all of these angles to their relationship without the current get-together. imo you lose a lot of possible development and depth when you start all of this by having shepard walk in and say “heyyyyyyy let’s you and me ‘‘‘ease some tension’’’ together ;) :) ;) do you see me winking”, like.... how does a commanding officer say that to another adult they respect and (possibly) genuinely like, idk. it seemed like such a lazy way for the writers to get them into bed together without considering who these people are. and yeah, every shepard’s different, it’s possible someone found that very ic for their shepard. personally i’ve always been more of a fan of piecing together canon clues to tell me who the pc is and extrapolating an oc from there, and what most of canon tells me, is that shepard is someone who prioritizes duty (either to the alliance, or to saving innocents, or to just getting the job done) above nearly all else, including their own personal life. that doesn’t mean i don’t see shepard being an instigator or an occasional flirt. just......

bleh. is it too much to want a better get together than “let’s fuck”? idk. i feel like a whiner bc shepard/garrus is obviously the most popular pairing in the fandom, it dwarfs so many others in content and you can’t throw a stone without meeting an insufferable stan, and here i am complaining about it not being done my way. i guess i just feel like the writers listened to the fans who wanted garrus as an li from me1, but didn’t listen to why. they drew the shortest line between a and b (“they want to bone the alien? here you go, i guess!”) and left it at that.

i mean admittedly, left up to me, i’d stuff so much drawn-up pining into a canon shepard/garrus get-together that neither of them would be able to breathe through the ust. there’s a line i like in kaidan’s romance (not to hijack a shenko line for a shakarian thing, but it’s something i find so true to shepard’s character i adopt it for my shepard too, even though i don’t romance kaidan and save ashley) when shepard tells kaidan in the moment that she needs a shoulder, not a subordinate, and kaidan says “cut me a little slack, shepard, it’s not like you’re easy to read.” that is how i tend to play and read shepard: as someone who is emotionally available for their crew but plays things close to the vest with their own feelings. paired up with garrus, who is a better turian than he thinks and is pretty goal-oriented and professional under shepard’s command, it’s hard for me to believe these two would just fall into bed with each other after only one or two conversations of known build-up (stressing “known” here is as “acknowledged feelings” but could also be notable ust, which is my hc). in my reading, these two are much better at reading others (c-sec and officer training) than themselves, and one could argue are duty-driven enough to maybe not even bring up/realize their attraction until me3 (why couldn’t garrus have been an li in me3 for new romances or mshep!!!! who tf knows!!!!!)

all those times femshepard tells garrus she loves him in me3? not really my shepard’s style..... how’s an earthborn kid who’s been a marine all their adult life and never had a family or serious relationship know how to recognize and admit love out loud? garrus himself doesn’t tell shepard he loves them till the beam run, and even then, he barely whispers it. i have to turn my freaking speakers up just to hear him. it’s hard for him to say out loud. maybe turians have different language for it, or maybe there’s a stigma, or maybe the culture’s different. i dunno! but i keep thinking about the impact it would’ve had for that to be the first time shepard says it, too. like they’ve just realized it and want to get it out because they know it’s the end. or you could get away with not saying it at all, if you pick the renegade option. or you could have them try to say it and fail! come on, isn’t that sadder?

shepard wants to say -- she doesn’t know what she wants to say. whatever great emotion she’s been holding back since that night in her cabin is stuck in her throat and refuses to form. the bay door can’t remain open for long. garrus’s skull is caked with dark blue blood, his leg bent awfully, and shepard sees a sharp, snapped edge to his armor where his spur used to be. he should be in the med bay. he needs medical attention more than he needs to be wasting time saying goodbyes.

but he won’t go, he refuses, he won’t leave her be. “shepard -- i’m still good. just give me my gun. i can still fight.” blood dribbles into his eye from a crack in his forehead. he’s crouching so low to stand that he nearly meets her height. she’s never heard him plead before.

“vakarian -- ” her voice is hoarse when she talks; her throat burns. she’s been shouting all day. she’s surprised she can still talk at all. “don’t make me give you an order.”

“that’s not fair.” he laughs desperately, a bit disbelieving. half of his visor is dangling, interface dead; his armor scorched and chipped across the carapace; and his eyes, still, are locked on hers. “don’t -- shepard. please.” she’s ever heard him plead before.

“shepard,” tali says quietly under garrus’s arm. her helmet is cracked, badly, suit ruptured in a dozen places. but shepard hasn’t heard a single complaint from her, from either of them, and she realizes in this moment that she can’t let them go on. if they followed her, they’d follow her through hell again, follow her until they dropped, and she cannot abide by that.

“we’re in this -- ” garrus coughs, badly. fresh dark blood spits up from his throat; spots hit shepard’s chestpiece. his eyes water. “we’re in this ‘till the end. shepard.”

she’s never pleaded in her life either; she will not start now. “i need.” her voice is too hoarse, too quiet; he can’t hear her over the roar of the thrusters. she swallows, tries again. “i need to know people are getting out of this alive. i need you to be one of them.” to tali: “both of you.”

garrus stares at her, lost for words. “shepard,” he whispers. he looks prepared to say something great, and she readies herself for another argument -- but then she sees the moment the fight leaves his eyes, the moment lays down his gun, and she hates herself for being relieved. “just,” he says, “make sure that includes you too.”

harbinger roars in the distance; she glances to the great white beam heading their way, then back to the bleeding pair of them, waving firmly toward the ship as she moves off the gangplank. “go! tali -- take care of him!”

she realizes belatedly that those will be logged as her final words, and the last he’ll remember her by. and then he’s gone, and so is the normandy. the moment is over and she’s missed her chance. she thinks, garrus will understand. he couldn’t say it either.

i mean that’s garbage but i like it better than shepard dropping the l-word in every romance scene! fuck! i just want a little nuance ok leave me alone

[kangseluigi]

My mother: gifts me a shit ton of candy just as I wanna cut down mm: stuffs the entire "candy cupboard" with her own candy mm: makes me take away the over-filled candy bowl for me mm, as soon as I did a good thing: the whole table is full of candy CLEAN IT AWAY!

Like where tf do you expect me to put it, if you comment on how fat and gross I am every other week and complain every single time a candy box is empty about how fast it went but don’t leave me any fucking room to actually put the boxes you dropped here? What am I supposed to do? Shove it all up my ass?

Also, the kicker? She kept saying: “well you don’t DO ANYTHING lately” and I was like: “???? I did a l o t the last few days???!” Mother: “yea well i mean maybe, but you only sit around, you may do something on the computer idk, but that’s not the same”

like, hey, bitch? If you got up before 2pm for once maybe you’d see that I’ve actually been climbing about the house for hours on end and been outside but okay lmao especially clever to make that comment when I just came home from 2 hours running around town you fucking dumbass, get it in your fucking head that just bc you don’t see it it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Maybe if for once you actually asked me what the fuck I’ve been doing instead of bitching at me first thing after you get up, you’d realise I am doing more every single day than she does most days. She has maybe 1 active day a week, I am active every gd day now and don’t allow myself a break anymore. But ofc it doesn’t matter bc it’s not what she wants me to do like clean up the house that I am barely allowed to live in lmao 

G E T  F U C K E D

Me: so I did 20 things this morning already, also went jogging, but when I pointed out I finally did that one big thing I planned to do, my mother only complained about what I haven’t done yet because…I cannot be allowed to be happy or proud of things I guess???? therapy person: wow sucks and good for you that you did a thing but you don't do ENOUGH!!! You have to be active every minute and be productive

like bitch listen I need y’all to understand I have been sick for 4+ years. Doing things is not easy. The fact that I am back to working out is massive for me and all y’all’s “uh huh cool but WHY ARE YOU LAZY” is not only not helping, it’s making me want to give up right now because what is the fucking point if it’s never enough, no matter how much I do? I kept saying “i do one thing at a time, I start easy, a little light jogging and slightly better eating, then I’ll steadily improve both, do the occasional extra thing here and there, work myself towards changing it all, but i cannot do it in one day, I’ll collapse and it won’t last” and all these sons of bitches expect me to do it one day anyway. I know my mother is enough of an asswipe to manipulate me like that, just like she kept trying to disturb my sleep several times in the 6 days since I tried to fix my schedule, but that fucking therapist person? You really should know better. Legit I wanna quit the goddamn program over it and that I might do.

Also yea yea blah blah I know ~overreacting~ idc, a) she should know better she is a trained fucking professional b) I only just said “why can’t my mother just say well done?” and 5 seconds later she is also all up on my ass and c) I am not mentally stable atm, that is why I am in that goddamn program, that is why I picked working out back up because it’s the only thing remotely helping, and it’d help better if I could do more, but I can’t because—you guessed it—I was sick for 4 goddamn years, couldn’t move, and lost a shit ton of muscle until I couldn’t even walk for 5 min straight so fuck you, you can praise me for managing to run more than 2 steps (and shit man I ran better than the last couple years when I tried jogging and that with currently freezing temp and asthma I AM GOD) or you can fuck out of my life bye 

[violenceeisgolden]

Tmi/tw/an update

Had such strong cravings for alcohol/such strong urges to say "fuck my health, I'm already fucked, lets fucking lose all this weight you gained in recovery, buy some adderall and vodka and allllll the opiates in the world and at least enjoy however many shitty yrs you have left" except like ???? Okay, so my private insta kept !! Getting !! Fucking deleted !! Idk why, like yeahh i bitch about my drug problems and my mental illness but i have never shared a triggering picture? Meanwhile all these accts with people fkn shooting up are still up? Huh what a concept So anyway, i was thinking of making a side blog. Or i could just vent on here i guess but posting on my side blogs sounds safer. Damn. Been out of the Tumblr world for a while now. Anyway, since it's quite clear that I don't care about a fkn thing anymore... lemme give you all a lil update on the joke that is my life. This one's gonna be EPIC. So. Uh. First things first... I made it five days without any form of any opiate in my system. I did not eat anything in those 5 days. (Wanna lose weight?! Just get addicted to painkillers and develop crohns, then quit your painkillers cold turkey!!! You'll drop 10 lbs in a week!) I did not keep many fluids down, aside from the days when i was in the hospital. I was shitting and puking blood by the fourth day, because my body had nothing left in it to get out. I still smell like the stench of withdrawal - aka, overpowering body odor, desperation, sadness, guilt... etc. On the fourth day, my "stool" was nothing but black and blood.. I knew my potassium was low, not including sodium, etc. Was starting to get chest pains. Blah blah blah. IST was acting up. Whatever. I knew I had no choice but to go to my shitty hometown clinic (and... yeah i hate NOTHING more than that fucking place). Luckily, I got this cool 1st shift dr who appreciated my extensive knowledge of my esophageal and colonic conditions. She also gave me morphine. But I mean, 4mg through an IV is like... nothing. But.. that fucking rush. Whenever I get IV narcotics in hospitals, it's a nice reminder for me to forever stay tf away from needles. Anywhoooo Moving along. So i got some fluids/potassium, two of my veins are dead now (not even bc of drug use, as i stated above.. legitimately because I've had one too many IVs placed or wtf ever) so they had to stick me a million and one times and i was like :))))) yeahhhh keep causing more pain guys because ya know. I can just fucking take it obviously!!! And then.. this bitch drops the bomb that i realllyyyyy have been hoping was NOT true for like... ya know... a fucking year... that... okay fuck it, you guys all know i am a shit person anyway, lets add onto it.. anyway yeah. I have herpes. And my HPV is progressing. Still dunno about those cancerous cells bc no one tells ME ANYTHING but she said i have a severe pelvic infection that is travelling towards my liver. So they're like "lets do a REALLY intense course of antibiotics" and im like ??? Fucking a man im getting mad just writing this all out. Anyway i was like uhm. How tf am i supposed to keep down antibiotics when i CAN'T EVEN KEEP DOWN WATER THAT IS WHY I'M FUCKING HERE JFCCCC. And they were like "yeah we're aware but you legit do not have a choice" bc yeah, don't want my liver to go downhill (I've been such a lil fuck to my drs lately.... could not care less tho bc they deserve my bluntness) so i called my new case worker (she is super chill, super gay, lets me swear and call my drs fuckers as much as i want, which is dope) and basically explained, she said she's gonna try and get me back on subs legally so i can at least nourish myself and keep my health up (ill still be in pain but I'm learning that id rather have my body not slowly dying and be in pain... what a cool sacrifice. I also was like... "Hey yeah no hospital is gonna admit me rn... and my health is worse now than it was in '14 when i weighed 60 lbs less so like... I'm going to use street subs. Or opiates in general. For a few days. So i can get my electrolytes back somehow... also did i mention i have herpes? *bawling ensues* anywhooo... Just thought I'd let you know." And she was like "Fair enough. You need to eat." And i was like okay cool tell my dr and his bitchy nurse that usually replies to my messages bc i do not need anymore fucking stigma rn .. okay? Tyvm" so that was.. that i guess. So yeah. I used. On day 5. And... i didn't even truly fucking want to. That's the worst fucking part of this whole fucked up bullshit... I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND SHOW THEM THAT I CAN DO THIS. And i could have. If it wasn't for my poor health... i fucking could have. And I'm gonna tell that to my pdoc when I see him. But you know what? I fucking ate. I kept down a loooottttt of liquids. Opiate wds technically cannot kill you. And the thing is... I've been through the "near fatal" ones (booze and benzos)... but I always caught my alcohol dts super fast, got treated and then away i went. But no. Opiate withdrawals will not be dangerous~~~..... to a person who is in decent health. I say decent bc lbs if you're using them either legally or illegally, something is already prob wrong lol. I remember a story that my ex sponsor who is now a good but distant friend (who relapsed, and when she relapsed, we became close lol shes sober now tho dw) told me once about opiate dts... she said one of her friends was so dehydrated, malnourished, etc... that he almost did die. And it took him almost dying for anyone to take him seriously. And, as I was laying in that miserable hospital bed... I remembered that. Opiate wds cannot kill you, but you're gonna wanna a) kill yourself, because it's honestly fucking easier that way (or so your mind will tell you) and b) if you're in poor health... try and find a detox center/hospital that will take you. ASAP. On tuesday... fuck i lost my train of thought... (in other news, i now have a promethazine script and... boy oh boy lol probably the best non naroticc/not scjeduled drug I've ever gotten my grubby lil hands on)... yeah idk that's all I publicly got rn. If you actually read all this... 👀 @ you, Ashley, bc ik you're the only one who reads my shit on here anymore (love you for that, btw 💜)... but yeah if you read this all, you guys are the real MVPs... I'm gonna start using one of my private blogs on here. Mainly because..welll...its fucking private and also really enjoy the fact that i saved the URL "clonqz3pain" so... yeah that's all I got. Hope you all are doing better than me.

[weirdshitishappening]

Hello it’s me!

Listening to the new Lana Del Rey song/Mitski album and (again) finally getting back to making some record of my wild life as I level up into being a professional psychic/healer/priestess.

I started working with Miwa this past week, mostly running errands and bottle feeding my new sidekick, Orion.

She asked me if I would be interested in becoming a core staff member at the school. This meaning I’ll be on salary (hopefully 40k) at only 30 hours a week so I’ll still have time to do readings at my own practice. She even mentioned eventual training to teach, which is the BIGGEST HONOR other than being able to be in her home and hang out with her first lil one. 

When I first came to the school I couldn’t imagine this for myself. In such a short time I’ve progressed enough to find my passion/life’s purpose and make a career out of it. What the fuck. 

One major life stressor checked off my god damn list.

I’m so grateful I cannot explain it.

Next up, keep working on self growth things and clearing enough bullshit in myself to attract the love of my (this) life.

SPEAKING OF

After nearly two months of certified radio silence from A, I get a super cool random text from him saying that he “feels bad” for never responding to my last text and that he “just got back from an 8 day backpacking trip” that was the “perfect end” to his time in Boulder with me and his friend Travis. Even though the end of his time in Boulder with me was the last night we spent together before he moved to the mountains. He’s been back around town since then to see his friend I think, so I’m not really sure where this cognitive dissonance is coming from. Hopefully shame?

I decided not to reply because I have literally just given myself the closure I so desperately wanted from him. I spent weeks and weeks just waiting for that text, trying to give him space and hoping for an explanation for the sudden change in him. I mean, we spent like three days and nights a week together for at least a month. I met all his friends. He took pictures of me and rolled me herbal cigarettes. He told me he didn’t like head before me. I knew he was moving but I thought there would be a formal goodbye. I thought he would do that.

THEN

The bastard texts me again yesterday to let me know he’s “actually in Boulder for a friend’s birthday party” and that he would be “stoked to grab a beer” because he’s curious about how school has been for me lately.

Which... he’s not because every time I would try to talk to him about it he would glaze over and so I tried not to because I thought he would think I was weird and leave me and I liked him so much

HAHAHA

A quick morsel of advice, mostly for myself: ALWAYS B URSELF BC THEY MIGHT LEAVE REGARDLESS

So, again, didn’t text back. Went out to the fall festival and to some bars with Trevor and Alex to try and fun it away. Wanted to text him once I was many beers in, but did not because now that I’m mothering myself I need to have my best interest at heart. If he was in my best interest then he would have not left my heart to bake in the August sun for so god damn long, if at all.

I’m mad and sad about it, but mostly mad. Maybe a little disappointed.

Other things: went to the metaphysical fair last weekend and had two amazing readings. Basically confirmed grandpa is one of my guides and that I have a really strong grandmother figure (not sure who exactly) as a guide as well. Grandpa was saying my future is so bright I’m gonna need shades, which is something he probably would say if he still had a body.

He also said I need to be more confident in myself and pep talk myself because I am pretty cool and special. Plus I’m about to level up and start seeing things -outside- my mind’s eye. He told me not to freak the fuck out, basically. Which made me freak a lil but it’s ok I’ll get over it bc I am the next supreme

----side note----

Just remembered somebody leaked another unreleased Alex G song which means I get a little dose of pure love and dopamine for the next three minutes or so.

Sometimes when I listen to him or other music that really hits me in my soul I think of Ginny and how we’re not friends anymore and how it’s sad to outgrow people but important to set boundaries.

Most people don’t know how to look at themselves neutrally and see that where they’re triggered, lit up, hung up, or upset is really just a place where they’re not letting themselves have permission to do or be that thing. Or that maybe they’re taking out stress or pain from other area of their life/psyche out on somebody who triggers them in a completely different way.

END GAME

People are really good mirrors for us to check out where in ourselves we should look at, love on, and heal.

For example, me being so upset and angry at A basically shows me pretty clearly that I have some f u n abandonment fears, need to be better at giving myself what I need so I don’t put unfair expectations on others, and reminds me that ultimately I am the only one responsible for how I feel. I can take some time to be a human and be angry, but eventually I will chill tf out and learn what pitfalls to avoid in -myself- next time I meet somebody I really like.

Like, don’t sacrifice who you are. Communicate. Set boundaries and let them know how you feel and what you want. Realize when a person cannot give you what you want and leave instead of energetically cording them and wistfully hoping they’ll move around their life bc they love you so much.

We’ve all got our bullshit, but as my roommate Jeff always says: don’t trust anyone with baggage that doesn’t have wheels.

Goodbye for now. It’s 3:17pm and I’ve done nothing today except watch videos on the Cardi Nicki fight, drink coffee, and sit on the porch in this irregular September heat.

Oh yeah, and the Europe trip got cancelled and I’m done dancing I think. Seasons are shifting and my life follows.

Big love,

Cass

[logantstaley-blog]

today..

so.. today was overall a pretty good one. i got the rest of my things from the hell hole i was having to stay & found my birth certificate which i need to get my drivers license back (which i might just say now.. i've neverrrr liked looking at my BC since my brother died in '02 because my name was changed then & i love my maiden last name, never wanted it changed.. so i already know what paper will read when i do actually change* my full name. and i cannot wait to have an updated DL, SSC, BC, everything..).. i found a new home for my dog. he's going to a really awesome home. i'm so glad. i was getting anxious about where he would be & hoping i didn't have to drop him by a pound or something. a friend of mine on fb helped me find someone & she hooked me up with a very sweet, nice & good guy with another dog who i know will take good care of my little buddy. what was so off when i met this guy tho was the introduction.. on my part.. nobody else around probably notice at all. but ya know, i'm not used to introducing myself as logan yet & things go straight to what i've always done- the old name, etc. this time i hesitated.. i felt like crap & like i was literally floating outside my body looking at myself make a dip shit out of me b/c i felt i should have said "hey how's it goin? i'm logan." & not "hey how's it goin? i'm ____<damn lady name fckn fck fck- exact thoughts there.>" how do i get passed this?? at what point will i actually introduce myself & be comfortable with it?? i hate doing what is more a reaction than an action.. hate it.. but* overall i'm good b/c my dog is with a very awesome new friend. what else happened today?? !! job interview is scheduled friday !! i'm not at all excited about the company but i am damn excited to have an interview.. the only thing i keep thinking now* is "wtf will i wear??" & "do i tell my interviewer person 'i rather go by logan, not my legal 1st name & not ____ (middle name everyone has always called me).'" BLEHHHHH.. bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh!! that's how i feel about it right now.. just.. bleh. it's amazing tho things are all coming together in life for me.. i now have all my ink equipment in the trunk of the car. i have a job coming up. which means i can pay bills. i get to see my daughter friday or saturday. i never have to go back to the place where i moved from!! that's a big one there.. i have got to break out my camera & take some photos sometime of my new place (outdoors i mean b/c it's f'n rad!!) & i love photography & being able to express myself.. at this moment.. i got a little bored on the car ride back home.. figured i could ramble on here for a bit.. i noticed i don't have any followers here yet. but i really don't care. it's for me & if* anyone does follow me i'll be grateful, feel good about writing not only for myself again.. simply a plus, not taking anything away b/c nobody is paying any attention or anything like that.. i'm good. my brain is going in a billion different directions ATM.. so i'm going to cut short for now.. most likely be back at it after we get home. tomorrow i get to go get a new duplicate DL (lost my entire wallet.. so that's that..), go pick up an RX so i don't trip on people, then start fretting about wtf to wear & what to say during interview friday morning.. oh & also how TF to get there. means i'll have to talk to neighbor, ex, or figure out going early before roomy works then how to get home. life would be easier if someone would just donate a friggin car to me. plz note: i'm a city dude. don't need a car in the city. where i live now is different than city-city life. it's not "country life" at all but it isn't big city like how i grew up & college life, etc. which brings me to another thought i did have which i know i totally had a brain fart & forgot to mention.. i'm nearly 35 years old, guys. that should put some things into perspective on how difficult or easy whatever may be for me.. don't ever think it's too late to start your life ok?? if i can come to terms to make changes for me at 34, you don't have to rush your changes.. & that's the best advice i can give anyone today..

[survivorpanem]

EPISODE TWELVE - “I CAN’T COMPENSATE FOR STUPID PEOPLE“ - JAKE

Okay, oh my god. Oh my god. I cannot believe I just survived that vote I'm so glad omfg. I flipped someone who flipped on me I'm SCREAMIng. Idk what you call that but I call it ICONIC. I pulled out ALLLL the receipts to Sam trying to show her why she couldn't trust Isaac and Andrew and why I was the best person to keep. Truthfully, I don't know who would've been her best option to keep, but I needed her to think it was me. So yeah, that was successful, tru. I couldn't flip Isaac like I wanted to, but idk I mean it's probably better that way because it gives me a reason to vote for him and for him to vote for me if I make it to the end. So like I think I have a plan to make it to at least f4. I'm playing my idol this week. Sorry but the blind week is just not working for me, sorry not sorry! I'm gonna use my vote negator on Isaac, and have Sam use her extra vote on Isaac, and have Sam and I vote Isaac. Then have Zack and Sam B vote jakey. That way the vote will be split 3-2-1. If Isaac plays an idol then Jakey goes. If he doesn't have an idol boom he's gone. And I'd tell Isaac I'm voting jakey and Jakey I'm voting Isaac that way at the end of the vote, either way it falls I could tell them I told the truth lmao. I'm playing my idol because in the long run I can't really trust anyone completely like I did that round, I mean Sam flipped when I never expected her to. So like if Isaac plays an idol on himself or wins immunity and Sam and I vote him and like Sam B flips on us and votes with like jakey to take out me the vote would be 2-1 and I'd go home! And a bad, disgusting, but possible even if unlikely scenario would be if Isaac/Jakey won immunity and the other played an idol on themselves. Or who knows they could have stuff from the cornucopia???? Okay so then, at f5 it'd hopefully be Zack, the Sam's, Jakey and myself. I truly do not think Jakey has an idol, I'd be shook if he did when like he was barely online. So like my plan would be for all of us to simply just vote Jakey. That brings me to f4, where I could at least hopefully go to firemaking, but I believe everyone in this f6 is better than me at comps, except maybe Isaac? But I think Isaac needs to go next for sure. Ugh. But yeah I mean that always leaves a possibility for people to vote me out at f5, and there's always the possibility of an idol... I'm gonna try to think about the likelihood of people voting me during this blind round, with all the risks involved. But I think it's a huge risk in itself to not just be safe and play the idol on myself, especially after the heart attack I got from this last tribal. SPEAKING OF THE FUCKING HEART ATTACK ZACKS FUCKING ASSHOLE SELF GAVE ME A PANIC ATTACK!!! He messages me right when tribal council is starting and is like "I'm so sorry" BITCH?? I was like omg what did you vote me and he's like yes I'm sorry but Andrew gave me a better offer you're more of a threat I'm so sorry I didn't wanna tell you on call (Sam B and I had added him to our call after I convinced her to reflip). And I freaked tf out! I was like wtf omg I couldn't even type my hands were S H A K I N G and I couldn't breathe and my heart beat so fast yo it was so bad like omg how fuckin lame is that how gross! And like I couldn't even curse him out in the main chat properly LMAO. Like I'm dyin Zack is so annoying omg lmfaooo oooh he had me fucked up! I think the best person to sit next to come f2 (I'm basically just certain it's gonna be a f2 now which is so ugly bc it decreases my chances so much) would be Sam B just because of how she flip flopped on this vote. Like she was a way bigger threat before the vote but now idk. I feel like Andrew and Isaac would be scorned jurors but eh who knows ugh. I hope the upcoming immunity challenges will be luckier for me despite zacks wild ass comp abilities omg. Ugh I just hope all their threatening competition winning asses take me to the end ugh. But I am glad that I'm at this point in the game with a cast that I love..and zack. JK ZACK ILY HNG. But yeah

Okay I'm pretty sure tribal is in an hour and nobody has talked to me at all. Guess I'm leaving tonight. That's what I get for being a flop ass bitch and flipping and then flipping again on the revote. It's been fun panem.

welp... i guess isaac is stupid as fuck? lksjdgdlfkjh srsly WHO are my ALLIES... HELP!!!! these ppl suck god even worse than i do. so my plan for this round is get sam b and isaac BACK TOGETHER god... and then flip zack to vote out sam g... which i kinda set up last round when i told zack that i'd vote with isaac to get his trust. im still playing zack and i dont wanna go to the end with him but i dont wanna go to the end with sam g or jc either so like... an ideal f3 would be me sam b and isaac. lmao. everyone sucks idk why sam b voted andrew out like god these people are stupid. idk i dont think ill win immunity since its like luck. but christine goddess got me an immunity advantage so thats nicee. im not telling anyone about that shit! it's a blind round which is fun!!!

Okay so I have a little idea brewing in my witch pot brain....what if I go around this week "confiding" in people that I have the idol. Like, I'll start with Sam G and then move to Zack and maybe tell Sam B and maybe even Isaac. I want to tell them because I'm going to be playing my idol this round almost without question...but since it's a blind week none of them will know that I'm playing it! Then come f5 hopefully the remaining people are Zack, the Sam's and Jakey, and all of them would still think I have an idol that I'd most likely be playing on myself, which means none of them would flip on me. As for jakey, I wouldn't tell him I have the idol but hopefully Isaac would've told him after I told Isaac which would make things even more believable if it's coming from another source, so jakey might not even vote me. Idk I think that no matter what people are going to vote me anyway, so there's no harm in adding a possible larger target on my back with this idol if it also has the possibility of protecting me. Not only that but if I confide in people, who knows they might have an idol and confide in me too! Also, I'm going to tell Isaac his best chances of survival would be to vote Jakey. Because if I negate his or jakeys vote and we split it 3-2 that means if Isaac has a vote, he could vote jakey and tie it 3-3. Or, he could be dumb and throw his vote away to someone else. And who knows, on the revote we might keep Isaac, if he stayed loyal maybe it'd be smart to keep him especially because he's not as good at competitions unlike jakey, and it relieves the threat of such a goat (baa) like Jakey. But at the same time he's very good with his words and shit so at f5 he might be able to conjure up some magic to cause drama and flip a vote idk. But I could always keep on persisting saying if Isaac does make it to FTC he deserves to win because we let him make it there when we had majority. This is gonna be an INTERESTING week, know that!

Later...

Okay so I've been strategizing and thinking, and like that whole idea of revealing I had the idol and whatnot and like I don't think it's worth it seeing as it gets revealed that an idol gets played...but idk maybe it's worth it? I don't knowwww. I could always tell them I'm playing the idol tonight, discourage them from flipping on me, but then they'd be like tf why you playing an idol? I might just be a crazy bitch and risk not playing my idol again LMFAO. That'd be so wild. But I think if someone else plays an idol I most definitely would. Yo I wish I had a map of the arena for every bitch left in the arena because after last round I learned you can't trust no bitch! Ugh but like I feel like things will be so much easier if I can just wait til next week to play my idol, what are the chances bitches are gonna flip on me again /right/ after flipping on me last week. Like you'd think they'd have the courtesy to at least wait til the next round, right?? Right????? Probably not. This is allstars after all. Ugh. I need to think of who I want to play my map of the arena on, like who would be the smartest person??? These are the pressing questions.

Later...

Sam G has a map of the arena? INTERESTING. Immediate reaction I'm so happy because this is going to clear up soooo much paranoia. But I am a bit confused because I thought that only one map could be purchased per round, so it wouldn't make sense that she got a map this round because I have the map this round!!! Omfg now Sam B approached me about voting out Sam G, I'm SCREECHING. Like the level of shook I am rn is 10/10. I think it'd probably be smart to take out Sam G since I might be seen as her sidekick or something, but I don't think it'd be smart to do it this round. And not only that but if I did make it to f2 with Sam I feel like I could showcase how I wasn't just second in command but made moves and decisions that she didn't necessarily want like the a Brian and Liana votes. And I got the idol from her clue. Yeah I do think this round it's smartest to vote out jakey, then next round could be either of the Sam's or Isaac. If I can keep my idol until next round like its seeming possible to, then I don't even necessarily have to worry about who comes into f4. Except I do have to worry in that I don't want my ass heading into a firemaking challenge!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, everyone else left in the game is a bigger challenge threat than I am so like?? Fuck. But I think if Sam G comes in to f4 with me they'd be more likely to vote her out over me which is better for me hng. Let's say jakey does leave this round (fingers crossed bih), then  who would I want with me in the f4? I feel like my best case scenario would be the Sam's and Zack, because the Sam's may vote each other and Zack may vote with me hopefully. If Sam G goes home this week, that'd leave an opening for either Sam or Zack to flip with Isaac and jakey, and even though I'd have my idol to protect myself for f5 and take one of them out, I'd still have to worry about f4 and fighting another in a fire making challenge. Idk this is all totally assuming Zack wins like every single immunity too like I'm expecting him to. LIKE ZACK IS AN IMMUNITY QUEEN, GODDDD. But nah damn my girl Sam B is trying real hard to put a move on her jury resume. She's really worried about getting second place again, and I feel her, I don't wanna be last juror again, and I especially don't want to lose this season after everything, so I get her dilemma. But I have to do what's the very best for my game, and I think that's voting out jakey. THATS JUST MY OPINIONNNN (insert that's just my opinion gif). But yeah I gotta keep my eye on Sam B 👀

Whew I almost forgot to do a confessional because I had the sappiest dumb confessional ever but I decided not to send it and thought I did. So anyways here's my confessional... I can't believe it tied because Isaac couldn't make up his mind. I feel really bad about Andrew but the more I think about it the more I shouldn't care. He never really talked to me at all about this game until his ass was on the line and then when I tried to help him he still threw his vote to me when it could have gone to someone else in case Jaiden played an idol. So this vote is the last vote to play anything I'm pretty sure so IF THERE IS AN IDOL it'll probably be played tonight. I'm playing my extra vote and my second map of the arena (I love my sponsors honestly <3) and Jaiden is playing his vote negator. If the two of us vote together the worst thing that'll happen is that we tie and have to vote again. Hopefully everyone's telling the truth but I don't know this whole merge has just felt too easy. I know there have been a few snags but I don't know something about getting here has felt too easy and I'm too calm so I feel like I'm about to get blindsided tonight. I really wanna make it past tonight though because then I'll beat my Atlantis placement!!

I am soooo torn. Once again. Okay so I am in a 4 person alliance with Jc, Zack, and Sam G. On the other side, I have a final 2 with both Jakey and Isaac. I want Sam G out. But nobody on her side wants to go after her. And there are no numbers without them. That alliance wants to split the vote tonight with 2 on Jakey and 2 on Isaac. What they don't know is that Jakey is playing his idol so his votes will be cancelled. Isaac and Jakey are voting out Sam G, but Jc is using his vote negator on Isaac so it'll just be 1 vote for her. So left we have 3 votes: mine, jakey's and jc's (because jc is voting isaac and zack and sam g are voting jakey which will be cancelled with his idol). Confusing, I know. So Jc and I are supposed to vote out Isaac, and Jakey is voting for Sam G. However I have the opportunity to flip (again) and vote out Sam G. This is what I want. But I am sooo worried about Jc and Zack finding out. Idk how the blind tribal will go, if they will announce that Jc is cancelling a vote or if Jakey is playing an idol. I feel a lot more stress than I did the last blind tribal, that allowed my target to leave and let me keep playing the middle. But this one is definitely going to hurt that. My dream scenario would be Sam G leaving and nobody knowing I flipped and then I have the option to choose between Jc and Zack or Isaac and Jakey. I am praying for this next immunity. If I don't leave tonight (you never know in games like this). I wish I had an idol, or even better a super idol. But I'm just trying to really rely on my social game and my gut at this point. I hope it all works out. And I'm also worried about a vote sneak of my vote just because I did flip last week so I seem untrustworthy, which is why I am going to wait until 3 minutes before votes are due to submit, just so nobody has time to switch their votes to me, if they haven't already done so. Yikes I am nervous whew.

stupid #1 - isaac do i even have to explain like Why did he vote for sam b when she was literally flipping to us ?? i'm like... i can't even process this bc how can i play a game with people like him like it's impossible i can't compensate for stupid people stupid #2 - sam b oh god this girl is a mess. i cant believe she voted out andrew just bc she was mad at isaac or whatever. like yeah he's fucking stupid but u just ruined your own game?? she can't beat jc sam or zack so idk what the fuck her goal is. she's also fucking stupid and if i wasn't drunk i might have knocked some sense into her stupid #3 - zack taking immunity from me even tho he didn't need it and painting a huge target on his back for no reason and fucking over a tight alliance he had with me... it's like do these people even know what survivor is??? how did u pick this "all stars" cast honestly kass voice id like to see that data stupid #4 - sam b honestly who is this bc she never talks to me and i try so hard to start a convo with her and she's just so boring god. apparently her own alliance wants to vote her out so what's her deal??? stupid #5 - Jc he's the least stupid bc honestly i think he's playing the best game out of everyone so i hope he wins if i can't at this point. but i'm not giving him too much credit bc he's only here bc certain individuals are literally STUPID and that is all

Later...

i think im going this round! bc zack is an idiot lmaoooo but whatever cant wait to vote for JC to win!!! lol this game is so boring and literally they all suck. im playing on idol paranoia and the fact that i have finals all of this week and have no time to play immunity but yeah it doesnt look good. Yikes.

UGH IM SO #PARANOID WHY DO I KEEP HAVING THE IDEA OF NOT PLAYING MY IDOL WHATS WRONG WITH ME I SHOULD JUST PLAY IT BEFORE MY ASS GETS CHOPPED FUCK

My favorite thing is how Jc and Sam G have convinced Zack that he has a chance of winning. He hasn't done anything this whole game besides been Jc's lapdog and win immunities like bye.  So this round the other side is splitting it's votes against me and Jakey and expect us to vote against each other so the expect the vote should be like 3-3 but Jc is negating my vote apparently so it's 3-2 but me and Jakey are voting Sam G so it's more 2-2-1 and Sam B isn't voting me and is voting Sam G so it should be 2-2-1 but Jakey also has the idol? So it should be 2-1 with Sam G going home hopefully. I don't want to give up playing this game I've worked too hard for too long to give up. This confessional is really choppy and is bouncing from one topic to another, sorry. I don't understand why Jc wants to keep Sam G when she's literally going to win if she gets to the end. The bitch had a successful idol play. Like?

I'm so sick and just want to go to bed but these fucking bitches had to pick tonight of all nights to try to blindside me. Now I gotta do work

hieeeee! SO. its revote time and i know what i'm doing! but anyways.. i still have my idol and if i use it on me next round im guaranteed 5th place (i think?) so hi WIG! let me go revote now.. this has been a long ass round.

If I'm gunna go I'm going out swinging! I've always tried to stay nice and polite while people are voting me out just in case I can flip but obviously these people are fucking dumbasses and I hope my favorite player ever JC slits all their throats and gets to the end

Later...

ifvdjskd so apparently Isaac and Sam B locked in their votes for me and Zack already said he'd go to rocks so like if JC doesn't go to rocks for me I'm gunna be so mad because I would go for them! If Zack is willing to go to rocks for me and JC isn't Zack 100% has my vote in the finals if he's there even if he's against JC omg JC BETTER DO THIS FOR ME