#but it gets exhausting and it gets tiring bcs it's a constant battle of convincing myself to do things which will give me pleasure!!!!!!

[bixiaoshi]

everyday im like i need to learn how to draw and then i just don't start

[rand0m-rant1ngz]

sometimes I think I’m depressed

It’s like, I’m always tired, can’t stick to a sleep schedule, I put all my worth into how others view me, washing dishes is so fucking difficult, but I do all my homework and I get good grades, I feel like shit a lot of the time, I don’t feel bad enough, my hobbies feel too difficult to do, I’m tired again, everything’s feels crushingly overwhelming, I hate myself, I don’t want to talk to my friends they’re exhausting, I don’t want anyone to notice anything’s wrong, I desperately want someone to notice that something’s wrong, I’m still tired, I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning anymore, convincing myself to shower is a constant battle, I want to let it get really bad out of some desire to prove that it actually is bad bc I know it doesn’t look bad, maybe it’s not actually bad

It’s all of this all at once and half of me feels like I’m faking it for attention bc when I’m not feeling awful it’s as if I never did feel awful, like it didn’t actually matter despite feeling awful at the time

[novannna]

I Dare You

based on a pin I saw on pinterest where i use a song and write a story sing every single word. I used I Dare You by Bea Miller to write this fic. 

here's the song (:

It takes place mid supernova, when Nova has Danna caught in a jar. She struggles with her guilt for trapping Danna, and questions her loyalties to the Anarchists. This was a bitch to write bc trying to fit lyrics in order is a pain, so please leave likes and reblog!

Wc: 3440

Nova rubbed her eyes, collapsing onto the bed in her and Honey’s room.  She groaned, kicked off her shoes and fell backward.  

She was so fucking tired of the anarchists.  She knew that they had done so much for her, but they expected too much.  And she was exhausted.  They wanted her to keep the charade up with the Renegades.  

And she hated it.  She hated having to pretend to love Adrian.  She hated having to spend every single second of her day with Adrian, Oscar, and Ruby, getting as close as she could when, in the end she knew she would betray them.  

And that was going to make her feel miserable.  Even more miserable then she already was.  

A flutter of black and orange caught her eye, and Nova pulled herself up.  

In her moment of self pitying, she had completely forgotten about her butterfly friend.  

That was another thing weighing heavy on her consciousness.   

She walked over to the vanity, and picked up the small jar.  

“I can remember a time when I was so afraid,” she said to Danna, “maybe the first time I ever felt real, true fear.  A man entered my apartment.  He killed my mom and dad right in front of me.  He killed my sister,” she said with a small sob.  “I couldn’t save her.  But maybe… maybe if I had tried harder I could have.  That was the first time I felt fear.  When I went to a place even my shadow wouldn’t follow me.” 

Nova slumped down to the floor, and cradled the jar to her chest.  “I don’t know why I’m even telling you this.”  Nova groaned.  “I’m a fucking mess.  But I feel like I can talk to you.  Is that weird?”  She laughed, and shook her head.  “I don’t even know if you can hear me.”    She looked at the butterfly.  It was still for the first time in days.  It seemed as if it was looking straight at Nova.  She groaned again.  “I’m sick of being a tool.  I’m sick of being just another step in my uncle’s plan.  But they are my family, and I have to help.  Don’t I?”

Danna barreled into the wall, then flapped her wings adamantly.  

Nova breathed in deeply.  “I’m so sorry Danna.  I can’t imagine what it must be like in there for you. I- I would hate it.  I’m sorry for being an anarchist.  I know you wanted to believe in me.”  

“Nova!”  Honey’s shrill voice yelled.  “Get your ass down here!  We need you!”

Nova grimaced.  “I guess I’m picking up my sword.  Thanks for listening, Danna.  You actually helped me a lot.”  She set the jar back on the vanity, and scattered a few pins over it, making it look like nothing had been disturbed. 

And she was struck by an urge to shatter the jar.  Let all the pieces scatter, and let Danna free.  Then Danna could go tell the Renegades.  

And Nova could stop pretending.  

She could go back to the person she was before.  Before she met Adrian, and Oscar, and Ruby.  Before she met Danna.

---

“Nova sweetie, what took so long?”  Honey asked.  She dipped her finger into a jar of honey, and lazily stirred it around.  

Nova ignored her, and sat down around the table.  “I thought we were done.  What else do you need?”  She was in a bad mood.  A very bad mood.  She couldn’t handle Honey and the others right now.  

“So snappy,” Honey sniffed.  “I thought you wanted to get back at the renegades for killing your family.  

“I- of course I do!”  Nova said, annoyed.  

“Well you're certainly not acting like it.  I’m beginning to think you’d rather be with that Everhart boy than us.”

Nova sighed.  “Honey, I would never choose Adrian over my family.  His parents basically killed them.  I am one hundred percent committed.”

“Good.”  

Leroy cleared his throat.  “The window of time to rescue Ace is closing.  We have to act soon.  So, we need you to figure out whatever you possibly can about Cragmoor.”

Nova sighed.  “You want me to go talk to Adrian.”

They both nodded.  “Sorry Nova, I know you just got home.”

“Listen, I want to rescue Ace as much as you guys do, believe me.  But give me a break.  ‘Cause I… I- .”  Nova took a deep breath in, and out.  “I’m worth fighting for too.”  Honey started, and stared at her in complete shock.  “Just for… for..”  nova sighed and stared them straight in the eyes.  “For once in my life, give me a break.  Yes, I know what the Renegades did.  But don’t play innocent.  I know you’ve manipulated me my entire life.  And I let it happen.  So just… leave me alone tonight.  I have a lot to think about.  We can overthrow the Renegades tomorrow, alright?”  

Before Honey could respond, Nova stormed upstairs.  She threw the window open, and was half-way out before a thought crossed her mind.  She ducked back in and put the small jar with the golden butterfly into her pocket.  

She pulled herself to the roof, and leapt off.  She bounded across the rooftops, until she had reached an old office.  She scaled to the roof, and pulled the jar out of her pocket.  

“So they can put me in a cage,” she muttered to herself.  “Lock me in a room and throw away the key.  But they get mad at me when I try to stand up for myself.”  She flipped onto her back, and looked at the setting sun.  The sky was alight with colors.  

“I know you hate me,” she said to the butterfly.  “I’ve done terrible things.  I hurt you.  But I’m not sorry for what I did.”  Nove realized she had started to cry.  “I dare you to do something else if you had been in my place.”  

She sniffed, and wiped her tears away.  “I’ll break down the walls trying to keep me down.  I’ll be a higher wrecking ball then the Renegades.  I’m gonna hurt them the way they hurt me.  And I won’t let them tear me down.”  No.  Oh, Nova would never let them win. Oh, she would never let that happen.  They could lock her away at Cragmoor, and throw away the key, but Nova would never stop fighting.

“Danna, I dare you to spend a day in my shoes.  Oh, someone like you?  So used to freedom and choices?  Oh, you wouldn’t last a day.  And I won't let you tear me down.  No, the Renegades will never best me.”  Nova wiped her face again.  

She looked at the small insect.  

“At least I know the Renegades are bad. The anarchists…”  Nova sighed.  “They pretend they're so much better, but I know they’re just using me.  They don’t actually care about me, just what I can do. I had an opinion, but I never spoke my mind, and I wouldn’t argue, even when I knew I was right.  I was too fucking scared of what would happen.  What Honey might do.  But I’m not that girl anymore.  I can stand up for myself.  I can say what I want now.”  The sun had now fully set, and a speckling of stars covered the sky.  

Yeah, Nova had lost almost every battle against Honey and the other Anarchists.  She never won an argument so she had stopped trying.  But she was determined to win the war.

“I’m worth fighting for, Danna.  For- for years of my life, I watched the Renegades abuse me and the Anarchists.  And I know that you and Adrian, and the others want me to be good and do the right thing, but that's not gonna happen.  I’m not changing who I am because it’ll get me farther in life.  So if the Renegades do end up winning, you can put me in a cage, you can lock me in a room and throw away the keys.”  She leapt to her feet, and strode around, her mind too crowded to enjoy the starry sky.  

“In fact I dare you.  I dare you to lock me away, because I’ll break down the walls.  I will be a higher wrecking ball.  And I won’t let you tear me down, no.”  She breathed out heavily.  “But I am sick of this guilt I have.  Sick of convincing myself I’m doing what needs to be done.  I’m fucking sick of having to see you every day, just to be struck by another wave of guilt at seeing you trapped because of me.  I’m so sick of being confused and torn between everything.”  Nova scooped the jar up, off the ground and held it to her chest.  

“I want to throw away the key to my heart,  make it so I can never open it.  So no one can ever open it.  I don’t ever want to give anyone power over me again.  Look at what it’s fucking doing to me!”  She sobbed, to the butterfly.  “I dare you to go to the Renegades.  Bring them here, let them catch me.”  Nova turned to the edge and screamed, “I am done being the double agent!  I am fucking done!”  But no one responded.  No one cared.  Who would?  

“I won’t let you tear me down?  No what a fucking joke.  Danna, you’ve already torn me apart.  With guilt.  With your hate.  With the knowledge that when you’re human again, you'll hate me!”  Nova collapsed back onto the hard roof.  

“I just keep running, running, running.  Trying to find my place in the world, and it always ends back at good vs. evil.  Villain vs. hero. Just like you and me.  Monarch vs. Nightmare,” Nova spat, still crying.  “I’m still fucking trying to find who I was.  Am.  I don’t know.  I would go the distance to find out, but it’s never far enough.”

She held the jar up to eye level, and looked at the delicate golden insect.  

Nova knew exactly what she wanted, but she knew that would never happen.  She knew what she wanted for once.  Yes, she wanted to destroy the Renegades for what they did to her and her family.  Yes, she wanted to tell the Anarchists that she was done being their tool.  Yes, she wanted to save Ace from his fast approaching death.  Yes, she wanted to have it all be over.  

But in that moment, the one thing she wanted, wanted more than anything was to see Danna right in front of her.  To stop that constant guilt from devouring her.  It might mean the end of her freedom, but it was worth it.  To see Danna one more time.  

“But now, Danna, I'm standing straight and I think I know exactly who I am.”  Nova breathed in.  She smiled a little and laughed amid her tears.  

“My name is Nova Jean Artino.  I’m not a Renegade or an Anarchist.  I’m just Nova.  Yeah, I was raised as an Anarchist.  Yeah, I pretended to be a Renegade.  But that’s not important.  Because I’m Nova, and that’s all that matters.”  She carefully unscrewed the top and let the gold insect fly out.  

As it disappeared, Nova whispered to herself, “I can remember a time when I was so afraid.  I trapped a golden girl in a jar so she wouldn’t hurt me, and by doing that, I hurt her.  So now, now I’m terrified she’ll hate me forever.”  

Nova sat down on the rooftop, and waited.  For what though, she wasn’t quite sure.  Common sense told her to run.  Run far, and hide.  Danna would tell everyone, and she would spend the rest of her life behind bars.  

A flicker of orange caught Nova’s eye.  A swarm of brilliant monarchs were flying across the night, heading straight for Nova.  She sprang to her feet as they cycloned in front of her.  

They consolidated into a form still in a Renegades uniform, blonde dreadlocks wild and crazy, brushing against warm brown skin.  Danna.  

“Nova,” she whispered, before pitching forwards.  Right into Nova’s arms.  

Nova hugged her tight against her body, and inhaled the scent of flowers.  She gently lowered the unconscious girl to the ground, using her leg as a pillow for Danna’s head.  

Danna’s eyes flickered open.  “Nova…” she croaked.  

“Hey Danna,” she replied through a blur of tears.  “I’m sorry…”

Danna cut her off by reaching up and cradling Nova’s head.  She kissed her firmly, stopping anymore words from leaving Nova’s mouth.  

“I wanted to do that from the moment I saw you,” Danna breathed.  

Nova sprang to her feet, Danna right behind her.  

“Danna, I’m a bad person.  You should turn me in.  Find a better person to be with,”  Nova said softly through tears.  “I’m tired of living a lie.  Please… just do it already.”  She screwed her eyes shut and held out her hands, expecting Danna to handcuff her, or call Adrian and the others.  

Instead, warm arms enveloped her.  

Nova broke down sobbing, crying into Danna’s shoulder.  It wasn’t pretty or cute, it was an ugly cry.  Tears and snot ran down her face.  

“I’m so so sorry,” she sobbed.  “I trapped you.  I betrayed you.  How are you not mad?”

Danna sighed, and rubbed Nova’s back soothingly.  “In the beginning I was.  I was so mad that you had been spying on us, using us.  I was pissed that I was stuck in swarm mode.  But then… I saw how you lived.  The way the other anarchists used you, and the way you were manipulated.  I know that the Renegades messed up your life a lot, and I understand Nova.  I don’t agree with what you did, but I do understand.”

Nova sobs gradually ceased.  “You should go.  I don’t want to get you in trouble for helping me.  Thank you for everything Danna.”  She pulled herself away from the warm hug.  

“Nova,” Danna said sharply.  “You can put me in a cage, or lock me in a room, however much you want.”  She inhaled sharply.  “You can do whatever you want to try and convince me you're a bad person, but I know the truth.”

Nova turned to look at Danna’s wide brown eyes.  

“You can throw away the key to your heart, but you can bet that won’t stop me.”  Danna smiled at Nova.  “I dare you to let me into your life.  Because I'm in love with you.  And if you think that we can’t be together because you think you're a villain, then I’ll break down the walls guarding you.”  Danna smirked, her soft lips curving into a smile.  “I’m a higher wrecking ball, and you can’t stop me.  Nova Jean Artino, you are going to have to accept the fact that I love you, and I don’t want you to turn me away because you think you’re a villain.  I understand if you don’t want me, but I need you to realize that I want you as who you are, villain or not.”  

Nova shook her head.  “But what about my uncle?  I can’t just let him die, he’s done so much for me.  I won’t let you tear me down, away from my goal, and my family.  No, oh no.  He’s all I have left.  ”  

“Nova, it's too late for him, but it's not too late for you.  Throw away this pointless hope that he can survive this.  I agree the renegades need to change, and you are key to that, not him.”  Danna reached out to grab Nova’s hand, and pulled them together.

Nova pressed her forehead against Danna’s, their warm skin touching together.  

“Nova, I dare you to forget everything.  Forget the Anarchists and the Renegades.  Forget everything, and just think about me.”  Danna smiled at Nova.  “Do you want me the way I want you?”

“Yes,” Nova breathed.  “Oh, more than anything.”

“Then what are you waiting for?  We can leave.  Start a new life, just us.   Forget renegades and anarchists.  There would be no Nightmare and Monarch.  Just Nova and Danna.”

“We can’t…”

“Why not?  What’s stopping you?   Is there anything for you in Gatlon?”

Nova shook her head.  “But Ace…”

“He’s already dead.  We can’t do anything for him.  But we can do something for you.  I know how huge this is- asking you to leave everything and start a new life, but I love you Nova Jean Artino, and I never want to see you caught by the Renegades, or used by the Anarchists ever again.”  Danna looked straight at Nova.  “Will you leave with me?”

“Okay,” Nova said, surprising herself.  “Okay,” she repeated with a small laugh.  “You’ve been thinking about this for a while.”

Danna’s face darkened.  “Everyday when I was in the jar.  When I saw the way you were treated, I knew I had to get you out of there.”

“That must have been terrible for you to be stuck in there,” Nova murmured.  

“You helped me.  Whenever I saw your face, or heard your voice it made me feel better because I knew nothing had happened.”

“You helped me too.  I’ve never had anyone I could talk to, but for you it felt like you were listening.  And understanding.”  Nova shrugged.  

“I was. Well not listening exactly, but I did understand.  And I wanted to form so I could wrap my arms around you, and kiss you until you were better.”  

“You can do that now if you want,” Nova said lightly.  “I hear it’s good to practice.”

Danna raised her eyebrow.  “Well, we’d better make up for years of missing out then.”

Nova’s face flushed a brilliant shade of red.  “You’re not the first person I kissed,” she mumbled.  

Danna laughed brightly.  “Really?  Who else?”

“Narcissa Cronin.  The Librarian’s daughter.  I don't think you've met her.”  

“Interesting.  But I still think you need more practice,”  Danna grinned, and cupped Nova’s face in her strong hands.  

Danna pulled them together, and they kissed.  

It was like nothing Nova had ever experienced before.  Small fireworks shot through her mind as she wrapped her legs up around Danna’s waist, and they tumbled down to the hard ground.  

They didn’t care.  

Danna ran her hands through Nova’s choppy hair.  

“We should go,” Nova said, breathless.  “If we really want to leave.”

“Yeah,” Danna said, equally out of breath.  She tucked a loose piece of hair behind Nova’s ear.  “We should.” 

She reached up and pulled Nova back down, Nova straddling her hips and leaned down over Danna again, her hair a thick curtain.  

“You’re beautiful Star,” Danna said thickly.  

“You too, lepidoptera,” Nova chuckled.  She leaned back up.  

“Oh stop it.”  Danna pretended to glare at Nova, and leaned back up.  

“Never.”  Nova smirked.  “So you really want to leave?  We can’t come back.  This is a forever decision,” Nova said, her expression souring.  

“Nova, I want you to be my forever,” Danna said, rubbing Nova’s hand.  “I love you, and I’d give up the world for you.”  She stood, and offered a hand to Nova, which Nova accepted.  

“I love you too, but I don’t want you to throw your life away.”

“I’m not throwing it away if it's with you.  I’m just making it better.”

Nova went up on her tiptoes, and brushed a kiss against Danna’s chin.  “I want to leave Gatlon forever and never look back.”

“Me too.”

“Ready then?”  

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”  

Danna burst into her swarm, and followed Nova closely as she made her way down the old building.  

She solidified, and together the two of them walked through the city, hand in hand.  

Nova thought back to the Anarchists, the way she was just leaving them.  They would not last long without her.  But Leroy was smart, and they knew how to survive.  

“Thinking about the others?”  Danna asked.  “I know I don’t like the idea of leaving our team by themselves, but I’d rather you be safe.” Danna squeezed her hand reassuringly.  “They’ll be okay.”

“I hope so,” Nova responded, thinking about the Anarchists not the Renegades.  

As they walked past the cathedral ruins, Nova whispered, “I won’t let you tear me down, Uncle.  You did what you could to mold me to become your perfect soldier, but now I'm becoming my own person.  And I say no more heroes and villains.  Just me and Danna forever.”  She looked back at the tall girl and smiled.  “She feels better than revenge will ever feel.  And I want her to be my forever.”

Together, hand in hand the couple left the city, and never returned.  

tag list: @honey-harper-official @quinterickson @thepurpledragon4444 @nova-artino @lesbianariescalante @prudence-barnett @plain-jane-mclain

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