#but it's different because it's her you see as every 20something ever has justified to themselves

[ladyofstardust]

Portions for Goblins

Word Count: 7k

Rating: T

Summary: In which Sarah finally puts on her big girl pants and Jareth learns the rules of the game.

Notes: Apartment-verse fic.  Directly follows Gaping Head Wounds.  I’m also posting them over at Ao3 in order if you’d prefer to read that way.  

When you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood - The Fruit Bats

Sarah paced her living room apartment.  Occasionally muttering to herself in between sips of her drink.  It had been weeks since her concussion and Jareth had kept to his word, staying in her life and dropping in as he normally did.  But he’d pulled back massively.  It was odd.  Their conversations felt stilted and full of unsaid words.  She didn’t like it, she wanted her Jareth back, the one who was a giant dork and who would happily share a blanket with her while they went through her DVD collection.  The one who argued with her over historical events and who left empty tea mugs all over her apartment.    

This was a Jareth who wouldn’t sit near her, and who declined her offers of tea.  He came to board game nights and spent more time talking to her friends than to her.  Previously she could barely get him to acknowledge Hoggle’s existence, now suddenly they were best friends.

Sarah’s friend Laurel was stretched out on her couch, flipping between the channels as Sarah wore a path in her hardwood.  Laurel and Sarah had gone to college together and had remained as close as two women could be when one of them slept in a bed of lies.

That is to say, Sarah had been telling a lot (like, a lot ) of fabrications of her life to Laurel for many years and was presently struggling on how to explain to her friend her current problem.  But she was nearing the end of her second glass of wine and Laurel was losing patience with Sarah’s “dramatics” as she liked to put it.  

“Okay Sar, is this about Jareth?”  Laurel finally said, muting the TV.  “You only get this worked up when it’s about him.”

“Don’t phrase it like that,” Sarah muttered, continuing to pace.  “But yes, somehow everything is always about him .”

“Oh I know why!”  Laurel said raising her hand, as if in a mock question period.  “It’s because your dumb ass is in love with him, has been for years, and those chickens sure as shit have come home to roost.”

When Sarah had brought Laurel in on her life, she’d simply told her Jareth was an old friend who she’d had a big falling out with years ago.  They’d recently reconnected over mutual friends and had gotten close.  She mentioned once that Jareth had a thing for her and left it at that.  For some reason she’d never mentioned any of her other friends to Laurel.  They never needed explanation because Sarah just avoided mentioning them referring to them by the catchall term “my friend”.  Jareth, on the other hand, always seemed to require an explanation.  Laurel thankfully still lived in Upper Nyack with her parents, so she’d always had a convenient excuse for why they’d never met.   

“Hey lay off, I get enough of that from him and I don’t need it from you too.”  Sarah said pointedly.

“Whatever you weirdo,” Laurel said, helping herself to her own glass of wine.  “We both know you’re going to go there eventually.  But you seem particularly agitated about him this time soooo maybe try the whole ‘tell your friend what has you acting like a crazy person’ thing?  I hear it has its perks.”

“Well you’re not wrong, it is about Jareth,” she stalled.

“So you’ve said.”

“So this one is tricky because I think this one might fall on my shoulders and I don’t want to deal with that,” she said.

“Well no,” Laurel said, taking a sip.  “If you wanted to deal with it I wouldn’t be sitting here drinking all your wine.”

“Oh nothing for it,” Sarah replied with a sigh, plopping herself down on top of Laurel’s feet at the end of her couch.  “I messed up bad.  Remember how I said I would absolutely never be getting involved with Jareth?”

“Let me guess,” Laurel replied rolling her eyes, “you got involved with Jareth.”

“I didn’t exactly get involved with him so much as I’ve been casually making out with him for…a while now.”

“Oh?” Laurel said with a raised brow.  

“Yeah, oh.  I intended it to happen just the once but then…goddammit that asshole knows how to kiss Laurel.  It’s like he knew that I’d get addicted, which I’m not ruling out that he’s done something to make me want to kiss him like this, but whatever I’m here now I guess.”

“Okay, so you want to kiss him, he’s been chasing you for said kisses, so logical conclusion states that this is a good thing.”

“Well for starters you know why I don’t want to want to kiss him,” Sarah pointed out.  

“Yeah but, you do,” she said with a shrug, as if the answer was of little consequence. “So let’s not waste time talking about what you want to want because that could take a while and I gotta go soon.  Is your problem that you two are making out and you like it?  Or that you want to know what to do about it?  Either way you asked the wrong friend, I’m just gonna tell you to bang it out until you can’t walk straight and then you know, fall in love, get married and have a couple of ridiculously good looking kids.”

“Yeah this was helpful,” Sarah replied sarcastically, downing the last of her glass of wine.  “No, weirdly that is not my problem.  I mean, it is my problem but I’m handling it.  My problem is that at my company New Years party, Jareth basically laid out in plain terms just how much he means to me and all I could do was stutter about liking things the way they were.  So he says he wants to put some distance between us, which I handle … poorly, for some reason.  I don’t see him for weeks and then he hears about my concussion, and immediately rushes to my bedside.  At which point, high as a kite on painkillers, I tell him how much I want him in my life but I still keep a line between friendship and relationship and it’s a thin line, but the line is there.  Like for god’s sake Laurel, he read me Persuasion until I fell asleep.”

“Dang dude,” Laurel replied.

“I know!” Sarah exclaimed.  “But anyways he’s started coming around more since the head injury, and he’s being weird.  Like won’t look me in the eyes, treats me like basically a stranger, is clearly spending time with me out of a misplaced sense of obligation, weird.  Which I friggin’ hate .  I just want things to go back to the way they were.  Where we could just be friends and hang out and still be close.”

“Wow your ass is dumb,” Laurel said, giving Sarah a shove with her foot.  “Like what the absolute dicks Sarah? How could you have possibly just said that to me and not heard a word of it?”

“What do you mean?” Sarah asked confused.

“Well for starters, your waffling ass has been in a relationship with this dude for what sounds like a while now, whether you realize it or not.”

“I’m not dating Jareth!” Sarah protested.  

“Ok, but see, you are .”

“Please explain how I’m dating him when he won’t even sit on the couch with me anymore.”

“Sure let’s go through this,” Laurel said sitting up straight.  “First of all, you guys go on dates.  That’s a pretty big one.”

“We went on one date and that was a joke,” Sarah interjected.  

“Not true,” Laurel corrected.  “You guys have been on plenty of dates whether you ‘count’ them or not.  Just because you’re sitting on the couch watching the movie and not at the theatre doesn’t make it not a date.  I can count the number of ‘proper’ dates Eddie and I have gone on with one hand,” Laurel said, in reference to her long term partner.  

“Well we’re not sleeping together,” Sarah argued.  

“What about your friend Julia - she’s asexual and she doesn’t sleep with her girlfriend,” Laurel pointed out.  “Does that make their relationship not real?”

“Well that’s different,” Sarah said dismissively.  “That’s how they choose to define their relationship.  Jareth and I aren’t asexual, and besides, they do other stuff to feel close to one another.”

“Other stuff like say, cuddling up on the couch together?  Or going on dates?  Or taking care of one another when they’re sick?  Or spending the holidays together?” Laurel teased.

“I see where you’re going with this, but your point is moot,” Sarah said with a sigh.  “At the end of the day, Jareth and I are free to date other people and do not consider ourselves as dating let alone in a relationship.  It doesn’t matter if you think the ‘facts add up’ or whatever because that is not how we define our relationship.”

“Okay, so then how would you define it?  How would you explain Jareth to someone you’re on a first date with?” Laurel asked.

Sarah thought for a second, raking her hand through her hair.  Laurel was being kind by avoiding pointing out that Sarah hadn’t really been on any dates in a while now.  Definitely for as long as Jareth had been in the picture.  There was Andrew sure, but he hadn’t lasted long and when Jareth had started to factor in, things went predictably screwy.  There were a few questionable late night chats and meet-ups with one old friend of hers, but she’d avoided mentioning him to Jareth.  To his credit, if Jareth was spying on her full-time (which, Sarah really wished someone else would acknowledge that this was not really a concern in other relationships), he’d never mentioned it or acted differently around her because of it.

Similarly, she had no idea if Jareth had anybody in his life that might fill a partner role or even if people in the Underground went on dates.  Or if they just held giant bacchanals during the feasts and let those chips fall where they may.  She’d never asked, and frankly didn’t really want to know either way.  If he did have a woman in the Underground, then that made everything that was happening with her so much worse.  It would confirm her worst suspicions; that he only ever thought of her as a prize to be won.  A silly human girl that was no more than a flash in the pan of his life.  Still, it seemed the easier path sometimes.  

“Jareth is…foreign,” she said carefully to Laurel.  “There are different standards of affection where he comes from.  I don’t think he’d disappear if I had a serious relationship.  Nor do I think he’d hold it against me in any way.  I think he almost expects me to get bored of him, marry someone else, and settle down with 2.5 kids in the suburbs in a few years.”

“Well…that’s pretty sad,” Laurel said solemnly.  

Sarah hadn’t really thought about it that way before.  She didn’t really see it as sad so much as an inevitability of hers and Jareth’s incompatible lives.  He had to know they had no long term potential and if he didn’t he was kidding himself.  Sure she could stay with him for the rest of her life, but he would never get to spend his life with her.  It was a huge reason why she wanted to stop before they could start.  

“I wish I was the kind of girl who could just say to hell with it.  But I don’t know how to be that person.  There’s so much there Laurel, and if I go down this path, that’s it for me.  I know it is.  Jareth will be the last person I ever love if I let him in and I’m not sure I’m enough.”

“What fucking garbage - you can’t possibly think you’re not enough for him.  The man clearly is enamoured with you.  To the point where I’m mildly concerned he might be your stalker, but you seem to actually want him to be your stalker so I think both of you need just boatloads of therapy.”

“Well there’s a true statement if I ever heard one,” Sarah acknowledged.  “I blame Linda frankly.”

“Oh cool are we at the point where we shit talk your mom?  Cause I am always down to shit talk Linda,” Laurel said brightening.  Laurel’s patience with Sarah’s mom ran out the day she graduated.  Her dad had given her a handshake and a one armed hug, her mom had shown up completely coked up, and spitting vitriol about Sarah’s life like she was on commission.  Sarah had cried and Laurel helped her sneak out of her own graduation party to drink wine in the park.  It wasn’t the first time her mother had disappointed her, but it was the last time she let it cut so deep.

“Well it’s not like my dad and Karen have been shining examples either,” Sarah argued.  

“They seem happy enough,” Laurel replied.

“Maybe,” Sarah said with a scoff.  “But their entire life depresses me just to think about.  Karen’s fulfillment is wrapped around my dad, Toby, and her home.  She’s always gotta be better than her sister Irene, or better than the ladies of the PTA, or better than someone.  She loves my dad and brother to the point of erasing her own identity.  Did you know she was a paralegal?  She had a career and a life and now she’s just someone’s wife and someone’s mother.  That makes my skin crawl.”

“I think that’s needlessly harsh,” Laurel said.  “I doubt you’ve ever asked Karen whether she’s happy.  She seems to really like her life.  Just because being ‘just a wife and mother’ makes you want to vom doesn’t mean that everyone has to have your viewpoint.  Also that’s not what we’re talking about here.”

“I’m just saying that the people who are supposed to be my best example of a successful relationship features hollow suburban nonsense and a woman who ditches her family to play professional groupie.”

“Yeah well, we don’t get to pick our parents and you get the hand you’re dealt.  Linda’s garbage, but your dad tries with you.  That’s way more than most people can say.  Also he paid for all your schooling which is way nicer than my parents.”

“Your parents actually love each other and are nice hardworking people though,” Sarah argued.

“Yeah but love doesn’t pay off my 65k debt, and don’t give me that ‘nice hardworking people’ shit princess.  Your dad works his ass off for you and your brother and you could stand to be a little more grateful to him.”

“He paid because it was expected of him.  I’d rather have a dad who I could talk to once in a while than one who just writes a check, and I hate when you call me Princess,” she complained.

“Listen Sarah, we could go real deep on your childhood here but most of your problems could be solved if you’d actually talk to Jareth properly.  You can’t close your eyes and pretend the elephant in the room isn’t there, because then the elephants gonna stomp all over your shit,” Laurel said, grabbing her coat and shoes.  “I gotta go but text me if you need anything.  Next time when you’re not so stressed out I’m going to want details - details of the kissing variety.”

“Ugh,” Sarah said raking a hand down her face.  “He kisses like someone who’s trying to fight me with his mouth, and it’s fucking great and I hate him.”

“Frankly I’m just impressed with your self-control,” Laurel said laughing.  

“Yeah let’s just say it’s one of the harder parts of it.”

“Oh I’ll bet it is,” Laurel said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, quickly closing the apartment door before the pillow Sarah threw could hit her.    

“UGH,” Sarah shouted again, flopping backwards onto her couch again.  “Whyyyy me?”

“It is safe to come out yet?” a familiar voice spoke from behind the couch.  

“Oh no Hoggle!” Sarah cried, horrified to find her dwarf friend crouching behind the couch.  “I thought I did a sweep before Laurel got here.”

“I just came by to get my hat,” he said, holding up his little cap.  “I didn’t realize you had a guest an’ you locked the mirror so I just hid back here till she left.  She sure is loud.”

“Yeah she can be,” Sarah said with a smile.  “It’s just Laurel.  I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were here when I locked the mirror down.  Did you hear everything we talked about?”

“Errrrrr,” Hoggle replied, running his hat through his hands.

“Gonna go with a yes then,” Sarah sighed.  “Since you did hear, did you have any opinions on the current state of the union as it were?  How do you feel about this new weirdness?”

“Er, well, it’s not really my place…” Hoggle said trailing off.

“Well then what about Jareth?  Do you have any idea what’s going on there?”

Hoggle tried answering Sarah, opening his mouth to start before seeming to hesitate and then closing it again.

“Yes,” he finally said.

“Yes?” Sarah repeated.

“Yes.” Hoggle affirmed.

“Well yes what?!”  Sarah cried, really starting to get at her wit’s end.

“Yes I know what he thinks about all this.  There’s stuff I can’t tells ya, anything the king gives us a direct order for or things that would be considered secrets of the crown and all that.”

“I’m not a secret of the crown Hoggle,” she said not unkindly.  “I’m a person who’s caught in between two worlds and there’s a man who’s doing his damnedest to pull me into his.”

Hoggle simply shrugged.  “Don’t know what to tell you Sarah, you know as well as I do that Jareth likes keeping things close to his chest.”

“No wait,” Sarah said, perking up.  “I just have to ask the right questions.  Jareth would only privilege the stuff he thought I might ask you guys about.  Or that you’d want to tell me.  But there will be loads of stuff he didn’t think was important to hide.”

“Oh no,” Hoggle said shaking his head.  “I’m not getting bogged putting myself in the king’s romantic life, not again!  No sir, not me, no kisses - no bog!”

“Please Hoggle!” Sarah begged.  “I’m real desperate here.”

“What if I saids he was in love with ya Sarah?”  Hoggle snapped.  “What if I said as far as he’s concerned ya hung the moon.  What then?”

“I don’t...then I’ll know.”  Sarah said, lamely.  “I don’t know, I hadn’t gotten that far yet.”

“Well maybe you ought to look where you’re going before you start walking,” Hoggle said gruffly.  

“All I wanted,” she replied, flopping back onto her couch.  “Was to meet a nice boy.  Maybe we’d go to dinner, he’d buy me flowers, we’d meet each other’s families and then I could build something of my own.  Something not filled with fame hungry mothers and workaholic fathers.  But no, enter my byronic hero in a mass of glitter and broken electronics.”

“Yer full of bog Sarah,” Hoggle snapped and Sarah was slightly taken aback.  Hoggle never snapped at her.  “Ya had lots of chances to get rid of him and all ya did was open your door wider.  Even now yer complaining to your friend about him not being around as much.”

“Well of course I want him,” she whined.  “But Hoggle, if I date him that’ll be it for me.  I won’t ever be able to meet that nice boy and have something of my own.  I have to decide if I want him more than I want a normal life or the chance of a family.”

“He ain’t askin’ that,” Hoggle reminded her.

“Of course not,” she said waving him off.  “But he doesn’t have to and he knows it.  If he asks that of me he’s unreasonable and pushy and I’m right to be mad at him.  If he asks that then suddenly he’s isolating me and rushing us to the finish line which is insane.  So he won’t ask.  Besides what could he possibly say?  ‘Date me for a while and let’s see if this works out’ - no because Jareth wants me to say I’m his forever.  Which as much as you guys may try and spin it, still works out to quite a while .”

“Then maybe ya should talk to him about it and not your friend Hoggle who was also perfectly happy living the life of a nice quiet gardener,” he scolded her.  “S’not like I wanted any part of this story neither but here we are.”

“Oh yes,” Sarah repeated.  “Here we are indeed.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, with Hoggle drinking his soda and Sarah fiddling with her empty wine glass in her hands.  She knew she could ask Hoggle the Right Questions and he’d answer her.  Not because he was bound like he was with Jareth, but because he was her friend.  It felt wrong to put him in danger, however trivial it may seem to her, just for her own peace of mind.  Besides he was right.  It didn’t matter if Jareth wanted to listen to her or not, and it didn’t matter how many times he said he wasn’t asking for forever, they were still gonna have to have that Big Feelings Talk.  She already knew if she flipped a coin which side she’d land on.  

“Tell me Hoggle,” she finally said.  “When Jareth asked you to come here today, did he explicitly tell you to spy on me or was he just hoping that’d be a nice side effect of hiding your hat behind my couch?”

“Err,” Hoggle stuttered.  “Don’t know what yer talking about…”

“Bull,” Sarah said with a small smile.  “Jareth sent you for reconnaissance because he is both predictable and dumb.”

Hoggle nervously twiddled his hat in his hands.  “Please Sarah, I’m sorry.  I didn’t want to do it!”

“Oh please,” she said waving him off again.  “Like I just didn’t try using you the same way.  No we’re both dumpster fires and frankly should probably not date anyone because we’re not great at the whole ‘good person’ thing.  Anyways it’s fine, tell Jareth whatever you like, I’m not going to ask you to keep my secrets too.  Also he knows all this already so if anything I think this will just make him even more insane.”

“Yer both insane if ya ask me,” Hoggle grumbled.  “Never heard of two people so in a twist bout likin’ each other.”

“If there’s one thing I know about Jareth and I, it’s that we don’t do anything by halves.”

“Ya know that at least,” he said rolling his eyes.  “Can we go now?”

“Yeah, go on,” she sighed.

Hoggle hopped off her couch and headed back towards the mirror. Sarah was about to turn on Netflix and lose herself into the thousandth rewatch of the Jim and Pam’s casino night kiss, when Hoggle popped his head back out from around the corner.

“Well? Ya comin’?”

“Coming where?” Sarah asked, surprised.

“To see the king.  Y’all are gonna sort this out and I’m gonna go hide in my hut before either one of ya can decide ya want my help again.”

“Ughhh fine,” she whined, shaking out her limbs.  “Okay let’s do this before I lose my nerve.”

Sarah and Hoggle stepped effortlessly back through the mirror and into the Goblin King’s castle.  Sarah knew the main floor of the castle reasonably well at this point.  The layout was constantly changing of course, but the rooms seemed to stay more or less the same.  The throne room was always the easiest to find as it was expected most visitors would pass through it.  Therefore it was impossible to leave the castle without entering the throne room at least once.  But oddly, Jareth wasn’t there this time.  Normally when she came by the castle she barely had to walk three steps before glitterbutt showed up.  They wandered around for a few minutes before landing in front of a big fancy looking mahogany door.  Most of Jareth’s fixtures were pretty old and weather worn, so this was a bit of a departure.

“That’s his personal study,” Hoggle answered her unasked question.  “I can’t go in there.  Not allowed.  Good luck to ya.  I’m fryin’ up some fairy wings for dinner if ya want to join, you know, after.”

It was only months of practice that kept Sarah from wrinkling her nose at the idea of eating fairy wings.  “No thanks Hoggle, I’ll leave you to it.  Next time you come by I’ll have a whole plate of your favourite corndogs for you as thanks.”

Sarah waited until Hoggle was well out of sight before approaching the door.  She normally just went where she pleased in the castle, but this was different, this was Jareth’s space.  He may walk in and out of her place like it was an extension of his kingdom, but that didn’t mean she got to do the same for him.  Sarah didn’t think of it as a double standard so much as she was trying to model appropriate guest behaviour.

She gave a sharp knock on the door and heard him call to come in.  

Sarah pushed the door open carefully, unsure of what she’d find.  She’d never been in any of Jareth’s private rooms before so for all she knew it was just going to look like the inside of a disco ball.  She briefly considered whether she should have brought sunglasses before realizing how ridiculous that was.  Namely because his room could not have been less sparkly.  

It was, to Sarah’s surprise and happiness, just the perfect representation of Jareth himself.  The room was somehow both warm and cold at the same time.  There was a large desk facing away from an enormous bay window.  The desk was made of the same wood as the door and looked like it had been around for it’s fair share of Kings and Queens if the dents and scratches that covered it were anything to go by.  Everything on the desk was stacked neatly in piles, a sharp contrast to Sarah’s own work desk which could generously be considered cluttered.  There was a series of quills lined up neatly on the front of the desk and Sarah made a note to buy him a jumbo pack of ballpoints next time she was at Office Depot.  

Bookshelves lined the walls of the room, some only half full, others stuffed to the brim.  There was a comically large fireplace on the left side of the room that was warmly blazing even as all the windows were thrown open to let the cold air in.  There were two large squishy looking armchairs and small tables positioned next to them, both of which had stacks of books on them.

The walls were panelled wood, another departure from the usual stones.  There were also a number of very fancy portraits of what Sarah assumed were important Underground figures at some point in time.  Though none, she noted, of Jareth himself.  

Sarah walked across the large threadbare carpet towards the desk and plopped herself down in one of the leather wingback chairs in front of it.  Jareth hadn’t taken his eyes off of whatever he was pretending to read to acknowledge her presence, but Sarah knew it was just for dramatics.  His eyes weren’t even moving to scan.

“Sarah,” he said, after a minute had passed. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I came to talk to you,” she said with a shrug.  Her palms were sweating like crazy and Sarah was trying to keep her leg from jiggling with nerves.  The more relaxed she appeared the more relaxed she’d be.

“About anything in particular?  Or couldn’t this wait until Jenga on Sunday?”  Jareth said, not meeting her eyes.  He never met her eyes anymore.

She’d already decided not to mention Hoggle.  She didn’t want him getting in trouble and she was pretty sure outing him as Jareth’s spy would do that.  

“I talked to my friend,” she said, running a hand through her hair.  Already regretting not brushing it before coming.  “Who told me to talk to you.”

“Which friend?” He said, finally laying his reading down atop a perfectly orderly pile.  

“Laurel, we lived together in college for a while,” Sarah replied, getting up from the chair.  She was too restless to sit anyways.  “I’m going to ask you this point blank and I guess you don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to but it’d go a long way in terms of clearing some stuff up for me, so you’d do me a solid by giving me a simple yes or no here.”

“Sarah?” Jareth said, with a sigh.  “Will you please tell me what has got you wearing a hole in my floor?”

Sarah realized she had started pacing again and gripped the back of her chair to keep from moving.  

“Do you want to date me?”  she finally just blurted out.  “Like I mean, do you actually really and truly, want to do the thing where we are in a relationship, and go on dates, and slowly learn about each other to determine if we have long term compatibility?”

“I should think the answer to that was obvious by now,” he drawled.

“Well it’s not!”  Sarah cried in frustration.  “If you were a human - yeah it would be obvious!  But you’re not and we have a history, and it’s all screwed up because I never know if you’re trying to start fresh or if this is just the long con to get me to say yes to that stupid final plea you made.  I don’t know if this is real or just another game and I’m just miserable .”

To her relief, she hadn’t teared up when she said it.  She was so worried about crying in front of Jareth, she never wanted him to know just how hard she warred with herself.  She didn’t want to give him that power over her.

“This is truly upsetting you isn’t it?” He finally said.  

“Well now who’s being obvious!”  

Jareth stood up and walked in front of his desk.  Sarah noticed that he wasn’t wearing shoes and she found the idea of Jareth taking off his shoes to cozy up and relax in his study quite charming.  

“Sarah,” he said beginning to stroke her messy hair.  “To answer your questions, yes.  I want to date you.  No, I do not see this as a continuation of my final gambit.  That proposition was forfeit the moment you won.  A good thing too, you would have been very unhappy had you accepted.  It was not as above board as I might have made it seem at the time.”

“Well that part I know,” she said giving him a small smile.  “But I do owe you a massive, big time apology.  I took you as my date to that work thing partially because of the reasons I told you that night, but there is also a secret reason, which mostly comes down to I wanted to bring you.  Because even while my head is screaming to run far and fast…I still want you.  I still want to take you to work stuff and introduce you as my boyfriend.  I still want to curl up under a blanket with you and I still want to kiss you.

“But!” She quickly added, before Jareth could get any ideas about said kissing, “I also want a house with it’s own library.  I want to do things like take photography lessons, or go to improv classes.  I want to learn to speak French, I want to live in a foreign country, I want to hang glide and skydive.  I want a big fluffy dog named Gandalf and I want to write a book.  I can’t do any of those things if I choose you.  I’ll get other things, some things I don’t even know I want yet, but before I can commit to what you’re asking me…I have to decide I want you more than I want those things and I don’t know if that’s true right now.”

“I have never asked any of that of you,” he said seriously.  “Except the dog.  Please no more dogs.”

“The thing is Jareth, you don’t have to ask.  It’s just kind of part and parcel with you.  That’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.  You have to live here and you have to be the King of the Goblins.  It ties our hands a bit.”

Jareth walked over and plopped himself down in one of the armchairs by the fire.  He beckoned her over and Sarah plopped down into the other chair beside him.  Jareth shot her a look and Sarah sighed, walking over to his chair and shoved him over so she had room to sit without being entirely on his lap.  She tucked her legs up under her and rested her head on Jareth’s shoulder while he patiently continued stroking her hair.  

“It’s a self-defence thing,” she finally said quietly.

“I know,” he murmured.  

“I know I can’t have both, but I just miss you all the time and I hate that,” she said, playing with a loose thread on his shirt.

“I’m happy to try and give you both,” he offered.  “But I suspect it would not be quite what you’re looking for.”

She shrugged, just content to sit where they were right now.  It had been so long since she’d been close to him like this.  Sarah normally tried to avoid getting in his personal space this way or letting him in hers, but it hardly seemed to matter anymore.

“I could give it up,” he said, so quietly that Sarah wasn’t sure she heard him.

“Give what up?” she asked.  

He raised an eyebrow and looked around the room.  Sarah took in a sharp breath.  She hadn’t realized that was even an option.

“What…would that mean?” She said carefully.  

“Well…I’d be banished.  I would not be allowed in the Goblin Kingdom again and possibly the Underground as a whole.  The High Court would rule on that.  Odd are good as well that I’d be stripped of my magic…and as a result my immortality,” he said evenly, watching for her reaction.

“Why?” Sarah asked, genuinely confused.  “I can kinda see not being allowed back in the Kingdom, but it’s not as though you did anything wrong.”

“It’s not that simple I’m afraid.  If I remained Underground, I would always pose a threat to the current Goblin Monarch.  There would always be those who were loyal to me first, and would see me as the true king.  I wouldn’t be given the iron sentence, but they’d want to remove me as much as possible from the situation.  As for the magic and immortality…well our kind don’t survive terribly well Aboveground for long periods anymore.  There’s too much iron in your world and it would slowly kill me.  Whether or not they’d bother to remove my immortality is debatable as they might simply decide to let nature take its course.  I could easily live fifty years without showing any symptoms but that’s a relative drop in the bucket for us.  My magic is tied to the Goblin Kingdom and the Labyrinth and while magic is considered a ‘right’ for my kind, it is similarly seen as a betrayal to surrender one’s throne.  The High Court takes a dim view of those skirting what they consider the highest calling our kind can achieve.  They might remove it for a hundred years as punishment but by that time the iron poisoning will have claimed me and I’d be dead so it wouldn’t really matter,” he finally finished.

Sarah was appalled.  He’d presented the option so calmly and evenly that it was as if he was considering different options on a dinner menu.  The mere idea that he’d considered such a drastic course of action for her was enough to rattle her.

“Like I’d ever let you do that,” she scoffed, until she noticed that he wasn’t kidding around.  “Oh my god you’re serious?”

“Perfectly serious.”

“Why on earth would you ever do that?” She said, her shock coming through.

“In effect I’d be human,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  “We could live in that house with the library.  We could live in Berlin even, I could teach you French, and you could take your photography classes and whatever this improv thing is.  You would be able to write your book, you could even write your story here - with some detail changes, if you like.”

Sarah closed her eyes and sighed.  For the first time she allowed herself to imagine just being with Jareth.  She pictured waking up in their brightly lit bedroom with the big french doors, and rolling over to see him sleeping next to her.  She imagined reading the paper with him at breakfast and discussing whether or not they had to go to the hardware store this weekend to replace the fixtures in the bathroom.  She imagined their beautiful home somewhere in Tuscany or Prague or Stockholm.  She’d never told him that the thing she wanted to write more than anything was about the Underground and her experiences with it, but he’d already known somehow.  It was such a wonderful thought - she figured she could even talk him into a dog.  Maybe two, one named Gandalf and one Dumbledore.  They’d have a little spare room where all her friends could come hang out if they wanted and have the best board game collection in town.  Every year they could host Christmas and her dad would come and chat with Jareth about the economy or something, and Karen would compliment her on her roast.  Toby could study abroad in college and live with them for a semester.  Even her mum would visit and spend the whole time hitting on Jareth, which she’d take in stride because she’d know her life was perfect now.

She opened her eyes.  It was a beautiful dream, but it was just that, a dream.

“Jareth,” she said, patting his knee.  “Just like I don’t know if I can give everything up for you, I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to give everything up for me.  I’m not worth that.”

“Do not presume to tell me what is and is not worth it Sarah,” he said irritated.  “I think you’ll find that you’re very much worth it to me.”

“I don’t want that either though,” she clarified.  “I want us to be equals.  I don’t want to constantly feel like I owe you the rest of my life just because you gave up yours for me.  Just like I don’t want to come down here and make you feel like you owe me yours.  Or that my whole life is you.”

“Then I’m not sure what you want,” he replied.

“Exactly,” she said, pleased he was finally beginning to understand.  “This is hard, and complicated, and filled with the political rules of a world I don’t understand the first thing about.  But it’s also not just about us.  It’s also about Hoggle, Sir Didymus, Ludo, and every single one of those soap eating goblins that is constantly terrorizing my home.  We can’t just fuck off to Vienna or wherever and leave them in the lurch.  They’re innocent bystanders in whatever this is and despite my first impressions, I have it on good authority you’re actually a great king.  It would be selfish in the extreme for both of us to disregard that.”

“So what is it that you’re saying then?” Jareth asked, and Sarah heard the apprehension in his voice and saw the way he nervously strummed his fingers on the armrest.  His tells were so obvious it was a wonder how she never noticed them before.

“I’m saying,” she said taking a deep breath.  “That your decision to read that particular passage in Persuasion was a good one.”

“Half agony, half hope,” he said.

“Yes indeed,” she nodded.  “Half agony, half hope, half Underground, half above, and half sitting in your lap.  We are truly the Escher Room of relationships”

They continued to sit in silence like that for a little while.  Sarah wasn’t quite ready to go home.  She finally felt like they might be on the same page and he might understand why she wasn’t so ready to jump into his arms.  Though one thing was still bothering her.

“Jareth?”

“Mmm?”

“Would I ever be able to be here?  Full-time?  Would the High Court even accept me as your … what?  Consort?  Friend?  Pet?”

“Do not call yourself by such derogatory terms,” he grumbled.  “If we are to be together you would be my queen.  Nothing more nothing less.”

“But would I?  I mean, I’m a human and your High Court doesn’t sound much better than my government at the moment.”

“Quite,” he replied, mouth tightening into a thin line.  “If I were anyone but the King yes, we could have a problem.  But I am so there is not.  I rule my own realm and I am judge and jury for the affairs therein.  Kings and Queens have taken humans as their consorts or co-rulers for many, many generations now.  There are still those who are quite prejudiced toward humans, and the idea of marrying one sends them into fits about purity, but I try not to spend time associating with those types outside of needs must.”

“Okay just checking,” she said, leaning her head back down on his shoulder.  

“Sarah if I am King, then you would be queen,” he repeated.  

“But could we swim like dolphins could swim?”  she said with a grin.  

“I…suppose?  I could talk to the Undersea…” he said, confused.

“No, doofus it’s a David Bowie song,” she said, playfully poking him in the ribs.  “He’s next up on your required listening sheesh.”

“Oh yes I’ve heard a few of his records and I don’t much care for him,” Jareth replied, wrinkling his nose.  “Too much going on for my taste.”

“Oh boy, that sure is a mighty fine black pot you got there in that glass house, sure would be a shame if someone were to throw a stone through it,” she said, with a teasing drawl.  

“Curious then that rather large rock you have in your hand precious,” he said with a smirk.

“All the better to bring that home crashing down,” she shrugged.  “It’s kind of my thing you know.”

“Yes well, ask Hoggle sometime about the rebuilding of the Goblin City post Sarah Williams invasion, I’m sure he’ll have quite the tirade for you about never doing that again.”

“You remembered his name!”  Sarah exclaimed, delighted.  “You never remember his name!”

“Of course I do,” Jareth waved her off.  “I know all my subjects names.”

“Liar,” she hissed, giving him another sharp poke in the ribs.  

“It’s hardly my fault if they don’t remember their own name,” he replied, unconcerned.  “But he seems to have picked it up after spending a bit more time in my presence.”

“Yes, it would appear he has,” she smiled.  “Thank you Jareth.”

“For what?”

“Just for being there.  I know I don’t have a solution for us yet but I’m working on it.  Also please note the use of us in that sentence.  But I know now that I need you in my life just as much, if not more, than any of my other friends.  As aggravating and infuriating as you are, you always make me feel…home and it’s been a long time since I had one of those,”  she said, and she realized as she spoke it how true it was.  Her apartment hadn’t felt right since he’d stopped coming in and messing everything up.  There wasn’t the same amount of glitter wedged between the floorboards, and nobody had left piles of dirty dishes in her sink or stole her highlighter in ages.

“Right, come here,” he said, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her fully into his lap.  “Tell me not to kiss you.”

“Don’t kiss me,” she said quickly, feeling the words leave her mouth.  But then she felt her hands cupping his face.  Letting her thumb lightly graze the hollowness of his cheeks.  It was all of it at once, the seeing of his soft smile, the smell of him, and then him kissing her - in that truly crushing sort of way.  Where the feeling of his lips on hers was nothing compared to the way her heart clenched.  As if it was trying to hold so tightly to that last shred of resistance that it ached.  An ache that spread through her body and settled right in her core.  If her breathing was haggard, it was because so much energy was being devoted to not responding in all the ways her body wanted to respond.  The flush was from trying keep herself from letting her wants eclipse her needs.   Though she also couldn’t withdraw.  Push him away?  She’d never known how, not really.  At least never intentionally.  No, she knew better, she said better.  

But what she did was kiss back.

Their last kiss had been public, new year’s eve in front of the rest of her office.  It barely counted as a kiss.  Sure Jareth never did half a kiss, and even his laziest efforts could still be considered knee weakening.  But there was something about the way he kissed her when he knew that he could take his time.

She knew that it would always be that quick.  Like it was the most natural and easy thing in the world to be here, curled up in the Goblin King’s lap, kissing him like it was nothing.  One moment of weakness and recklessness and that was all it took.  Hoggle had it right.  She hadn’t walked, she hadn’t run, she’d jumped.  She just hoped the fall wouldn’t kill her.