#also sarah is still working on that whole taking things for granted thing

[jesncin]

The Potential of Asian Lois Lane. Pt 1: Girl Taking Over and American Alien, a comparative analysis

Lois Lane has had many iterations over the years. But specifically in the last decade, Lois has been reimagined as an Asian American woman in both the comics and recently in the animated show My Adventures with Superman.

I believe making Lois Asian is a very inspired choice for the Superman mythos! I would like to take a moment to analyze these versions of Lois from an Asian perspective, seeing what works, what doesn't, and what I'd like to see more of. We'll start with the comics first, as MAWS is going to need its own post.

Usual disclaimers: I'm just one Asian perspective, I do not and never will claim to cover every Asian person's opinion on a thing ever. We're not a monolith, we come from a variety of backgrounds and experiences. I'm simply a fan who enjoys media analysis and believes it's valuable to have my perspective in this topic. Secondly, this discussion covers the comic run American Alien, which is written by Max Landis. He's an ultra creep and while I think the comic is worth a read for what it is, I leave it up to you whether you'd like to buy the comic. You can always arg-arg-ahoy otherwise.

I'd like to start with Girl Taking Over: A Lois Lane Story written by Sarah Kuhn with art by Arielle Jovellanos. This is a self contained YA graphic novel about a young Japanese American Lois dealing with the ups and downs of breaking into journalism as a career in National City. When her dream internship at Catco gets a corporate take over, Lois seizes an opportunity to write an exposé on a shady art director. But when her story is turned down, Lois does some out of the box things to get the story of marginalized performers shared with the world.

Girl Taking Over is a fantastic story and I happily recommend it to anyone looking for how an Asian American Lois could be reimagined (with fabulous art by Arielle! The fashion especially is on-point). This story isn't just a diverse coat of paint on a Lois Lane story, being Asian informs Lois' experiences and choices. Both she and her frenemy roommate Miki, are ambitious Asian women yet have hidden insecurities where they still made themselves small to their respective white male bosses. They played into model minority in different ways, and it's only by working together that they're able to foster a community for their stories to be told.

Lois and Miki don't just "have a diverse friend group", that friend group is actively being taken advantage of and suppressed by white gatekeepers. By extension, Lois' friends from work find solidarity in each other. Lois looks up to Cat Grant, a Filipina-American journalist, because seeing Cat succeed made Lois feel like her dream as a journalist is possible. I love how Lois' mom (a character so rarely expanded on in DC canon) acts as a voice of comfort for Lois in the story. All these characters feel holistic and whole, going through their own unique struggles.

It's clear from interviews with both the writer and artist that they care for the history of Lois, and saw an opportunity to reimagine her in a way that aligns with her character but also revitalizes her for new readers of color who aren't used to seeing themselves reflected in media. It's taking Lois' ambition and fearlessness and channeling them into the need to be a model minority, and the insecurities that can come from the desire to succeed constantly. It's taking a character historically frustrated by sexism and disrespected by her male peers- including Clark Kent (who got better treatment than her as a man), and expanding her to be a Lois that has to deal with both sexism and racism in the workplace. It's humanizing Lois' excellence into something painfully specific and relatable for many Asian women.

The only thing I feel I want from this version of Lois is... honestly more of her! I want to see what Japanese Lois does when she moves to Metropolis and works at the Daily Planet. I want to see how her experiences in National City informs her adulthood. Girl Taking Over sets up an incredible groundwork for stories to be told in the Superman mythos. How would Lois react to Superman, a fellow immigrant? Would Superman see himself in Lois? Since she's someone who, in the American context, is perceived as the perpetual foreigner? What would their relationship be like? Out of all the Asian Lois' in media we have so far, this Asian Lois' story has the most rich potential in my opinion.

Up next, we have American Alien written by Max Landis. This 7 issue series swaps artists for each issue, as a means of reflecting different milestones in Clark's life. I will be focusing on issues #4, 5, and 7 since those have the most prominent Lois appearances. With that, I'd like to celebrate the artists for those issues: Jae Lee (issue 4), Francis Manapul (issue 5), and Jock (issue 7). All these artists did a fantastic job, their art styles are energetic and fun to look at. Lee and Manapul are both Asian artists (Korean and Filipino respectively) and I love how they draw Lois- who looks undeniably Asian in their art styles.

American Alien is a modern take on the Superman tale. It expands Clark's story to be connected to Batman, Green Lanterns, Green Arrow, and more. We see Clark grow from his days in Smallville to a city boy in Metropolis, coming into his own as Superman. It's a bold and pretty divisive take with some standout story moments. From what I know, this is likely the first time Lois has been reimagined as Asian- and continues to influence Superman media like MAWS (the producer specifically calls out this comic as inspiration).

In issue #4, Clark moves in to his Metropolis apartment and talks on the phone to his mom about "some bigshot guy named Louis Lane". The reader, likely familiar with the Superman mythos, knows Clark is coming in with biases and a preconceived notion of who he considers a promising student reporter. Once we meet Lois Lane however, the comic turns the reader's expectations on their head:

Lois Lane is an Asian American woman (it's not specified what her exact ethnicity is)! This is a fun moment where the comic metatextually challenged the reader's own biases, showing it's not just Clark who had a different idea of who Lois Lane could be.

Lois' introductory panel is my personal favorite part of her characterization in American Alien. Lois proudly stands as a wall of text behind her recounts how she was considered as a winner for the Daily Planet's Charlton Memorial Laureate Program. When asked why she deserves a place on the program, Lois snaps back that the very question itself is loaded. She's listed her credentials and looks professional- so she's either already been rejected and is just being made to "at least had my say" or she's been accepted and is "meant to garnish my success with eloquent affirmation" to which Lois refuses to do either.

This is a great defiant introduction to Lois, showcasing how jaded she is with the way the world perceives her- but is very confident in her self worth as a journalist. By the end of the issue she reaches out to Clark to combine their exclusive interviews into one story to make a big impression on the news. Her words inspire Clark to seize an opportunity to make a big change in the world as Superman.

Afterwards, the comic plays the classic Superman and Lois dynamic straight. Lois is initially suspicious of Superman, but eventually comes around and is inspired to hope through him. There's a great back and forth between the two where Lois' words initially inspire Clark to be Superman, then Clark assures Lois that Superman is probably just a good guy, and when Clark loses hope from a bad day of heroism, Lois gives him hope again. In the end, Lois realizes her love for Clark Kent over Superman and they share a passionate ending kiss.

Overall American Alien nails the Clark and Lois dynamic and understands their relationship. I consider this Asian Lois "just okay". I like that we get to see an adult jaded Asian Lois meet Clark Kent and Superman, and see them get together. Similarly to Girl Taking Over, I'd like to see how this Lois and Clark would play out. My only issue with American Alien's Lois is a sense of missed opportunities.

The writing overall leaves room for plausible deniability over Lois' Asian identity. The artists (particularly Lee and Manapul) are doing the heavy lifting delivering Asian Lois. If she was drawn as a white woman, none of the writing would need adjustment. Sure her introductory panel implies that people judge her based on her appearance- but that could be just sexism instead of the intersectional experience of Asian Lois going through racism and sexism. Clark did assume she was a man after all- it's never specified if he assumed she was a white man. The only thing you'd lose is the metatextual shock value of Lois Being Asian This Time. That's really what this Lois boils down to, initial shock value with no specific writing to follow through. Her marginalization and identity is written broadly enough that it could be attributed to general sexism and womanhood. It's not specific to being an Asian American woman.

However, because of its broadness, there's room for Lois' Asian identity to be built on in the world of American Alien. The story centers Clark's experiences, but I can easily imagine a continuation of the story expanding on Lois'. The basic groundwork is there. I think it's telling that in a comic called American Alien, we get a more diverse Superman cast system. Jimmy Olsen is Black, Lois Lane is Asian- when Clark moves to the city it feels expansive compared to Smallville. It's a world that feels ready to tackle themes of racism if it was ever to continue (and probably in the hands of a writer with that kind of life experience!). In the end, there's room for this Asian Lois to be something special. Clark isn't the only American Alien in American Alien, if you catch my drift.

You can see how Girl Taking Over has a huge piece of what American Alien is missing. The characters aren't just diverse for shock value, they're not an aesthetic change over historically white characters. They have a story to tell that is inseparable from their identities. Whereas in American Alien, the art is doing the heavy lifting with the reimagined diverse characters- Girl Taking Over has both the writing and art carry the representation. Lois can't be changed into being white in Girl Taking Over.

Both of these stories have potential- but if I had the choice to pick which story should continue, it would easily be Girl Taking Over. This graphic novel works for what it is: it makes sense that this is a younger and idealistic Lois that hasn't met Clark or Superman yet. It's a YA book and Lois can absolutely carry a story on her own. What I want as an Asian fan, is for the potential of Asian Lois Lane to be seen through to the point it's considered the definitive version. As of right now, Girl Taking Over is a fun twist on the Lois Lane story. Not something that is seen as inseparable from the Superman mythos. However! If those themes of marginalization and immigrant identity are tapped into for both Superman and Lois Lane? I feel that has the potential to radically strengthen the overall themes of Superman. It's certainly been touched on before.

(TW/CW: racial slur mention in below image)

Superman Smashes the Klan by Gene Yang with art by Gurihiru is a retelling of the Clan of the Fiery Cross arc in the classic radio show The Adventures of Superman where Superman faces off with the Klan who had been terrorizing a Chinese American family. The graphic novel adapts the story to center the Chinese American characters, and makes it a point to show that Superman relates to them. If that dynamic was applied to Asian Lois, that feels like a definitive love story waiting to happen.

The classic two person love triangle with Clark and Lois is that Lois loves Superman and is indifferent to Clark Kent. She thinks Superman is this ideal macho man and Clark is a cowardly fumbling guy at work who rivals her. What happens when you take that dynamic and made it so Lois identified with Superman- the more othering identity? How complicated would that make Clark Kent feel? How would he navigate that when his marginalization isn't always visible? That's a whole new depth to the love triangle we're not used to seeing. I feel so far, none of these versions of Lois have touched upon this potential dynamic. The perpetual foreigner, Lois Lane and the ultimate alien foreigner that is Superman. The jaded city girl meets the alien farm boy who gives her hope. They inspire each other to be more of themselves in a world not ready to accept either of them.

Up next, we'll be discussing My Adventures with Superman's Korean Lois Lane in pt 2. It's well. You can probably guess how I feel about it from what I wrote here but welp. We'll talk about it.

[maddiethedogstories]

Sarah's Playground - 1

As I looked around the park near my apartment, I couldn't help but appreciate how beautiful the weather was. The sun was shining and there was a light breeze keeping it warm, but not to hot. It was perfect tank top and skirt weather, and I was taking full advantage of that.

My name is Sarah Jenkins. I'm 22 years old, blonde, and, if you don't mind me saying so myself, beautiful. I love this type of weather, because it really lets me show off the curves that I've worked hard for. Okay, so maybe not that hard, but I still like showing them off.

You see, about six months ago I was at a garage sale and came across this beautiful ruby necklace for sale. The old woman running the sale sold it to me for a steal, but gave some cryptic advise of 'being careful what you wish for,' and some other bullshit nonsense.

That night, I wore the necklace out for drinks with my girlfriends. At one point, I said something like, "I wish we had some more drinks," and, like magic, some dude immediately bought our table a round.

Now, I have been into the ABDL scene for a bit and understood pretty quickly what was going on based on all of the smutty diaper-fetish fiction I'd read. The old lady at the garage sale was clearly a witch and sold me a magic amulet that granted all of my wishes. Score.

I also realized pretty early on that I would have to been careful as I altered the world, because, I know based on those same stories, magic like this can have a downside if you aren't careful with it. So, for the last six months, I've been incredibly careful. That said, I've also changed a lot of things.

One of the first things I changed was my body. I was never bad looking, but, I had a dream. You see, I have always wanted to be the perfect, most beautiful ABDL Mommy possible. So, I made myself into my dream Mommy. I'm 6'6" tall. My double-D breasts are firm and, more often than not, full of breast milk, ready to feed any hungry adult baby.

I am also fit. I gave myself a large, feminine ass, but the whole thing is made of muscle. I can lift most other adults and easily carry them like small children. My arms are ripped, and I have large hands perfect for spanking disobedient littles.

I've also changed the world to better suit my fantasies. Currently, based on my wishes, when people turn 18, 25 percent of people are randomly forced to regress to adult babies by society. Those people are forced to act like giant toddlers for the rest of their lives. Other people can adopt and care for that portion of the population, doing to them whatever they want, within reason.

Looking out across the park on this beautiful day, I am pretty happy with how things turned out. Beyond the normal sights of parents and their children playing at the playground, young men and women out on runs or sun bathing, and elderly couples out for a stroll, the park is filled with adults of all shapes and sizes acting like the giant babies I've turned them into.

I stopped and watched as one particulary cute young woman wearing nothing but a yellow onesie and gigantic diaper squats down, balls up her fists, and pushes a huge mess into her pants. I watched as she blushed, her adult mind aware of how humiliating it was to shit her pants, but unable to stop herself out of fear of being punished for violating the rules of society I created.

Being the bad witch in charge feels so good!

I continued my stroll through the park, enjoying watching two 30-year-old men in nothing but diapers crawl in a sandbox as there caregivers looked on like disinterested parents letting their kids get energy out at the park.

As I continued, I saw an 18-year-old woman beant over an older man's lap, her bare ass in the air and a pull-up bunched around her ankles.

"Naughty girl! You are an adult baby now, not an adult! You do not take your pull-up off! I'm going to have to demote you to diapers for this!" The man said as he ruthlessly spanked the young woman, who was clearly struggling with her new lot in life.

It's music to my Mommy Domme ears.

Speaking of ears, what was that noise? I reached into my purse and found my cellphone alarm going off. Was it time to go home already? My tits ached. It must be feeding time for my own little ball of joy.

To bad I can't bring her out here. For my own amusement, I've left my own adult baby completely aware of how the world was prior to my intervention. When I take her out in public, she tends to make a scene. Oh well! Time to get back to Mommy duty!

I started walking down the quickest path home, the ruby necklace dangling in my ample cleavage glittering in the sunlight.

NEXT CHAPTER

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Arc 15, Reflections

I spent a lot of this Arc yelling at Taylor.

Now, I'm glad that she's preparing to move against Coil, and that she's well aware he's not going to give up Dinah (not sure if she ever believed this or not, tbh, it's kinda unclear to me, though maybe I missed or misremembered a detail from way earlier), but I find myself going 'JUST MOVE AGAINST HIM NOW! STOP PLAYING ALONG!'

Like, yes with Coil's power being what it is you don't want to go-off half-cocked, sure, but equally, you also don't want to take too long to let Coil plan, since he can plan twice as fast as you with twice the information. So playing along and putting yourself at risk by going to talk to Parian, by working with Trickster to threaten the Mayor and his family...

Bad choice, Taylor.

Also, of course, bad choice to give into Brian there, given how I understand it will turn out (badly), but I do understand it, both from her perspective and Brian's.

I imagine the fact that they actually happen, sort of, and then don't really work is actually a contributing factor to them not being a popular ship. Like, yes, there's the fact that the initial fic-reading/fic-writing base on places like SB were going to prefer F/F anyway and Taylor being written like she's a repressed bisexual contributes to that, and there's also racism bc Brian is black and while I won't call the worm fandom as a whole racist, there is racism in this fandom as with any other, and there's the fact that Brian spends a lot of time (pre-his second trigger anyway, but that's long enough to cement his perception for a lot of readers) acting like the 'straight man' of the group, the boring, sane adult and those characters tend not to be popular with shipping anyway, at least not for the MC.

But there's also the fact that they do sort of get together, ish, for a moment, and then it doesn't pan out. And in my experience, an almost or a could have been is going to be a lot more popular, shipwise for fans, than a it actually was and it didn't work out. Not always. Not every time. But often, yes.

Like, if it didn't work out because one character died, or one character had to be written out because actor unavailability, or some other 'bullshit' reason, then it may retain staying power, but without those, this sort of thing generally makes a ship bleed support and interest fairly quickly.

The Interludes we got were interesting - you've seen my thoughts on 15.x already, of course, so no need to go into that. The fact that Flechette and Assault blame or at least partially blame the Undersiders for what happened to Panacea and Glory Girl is interesting, and I suppose it makes sense given what most of them now (and how little Carol or Amy or Sarah likely told anyone. I still notice no character seems to be suggesting rape happened, and they talk about Panacea and Glory Girl being almost equally victims of the Undersiders/The Nine in Interlude 15. Granted, maybe no one said anything, but still.)

The look at Alexandria's backstory, the flittering through her life, the way it's really the Endbringers that seemingly killed the hope of things getting better, and really seems like without them (boo hiss Eidolon!)

Doctor Mother's weird 'let's keep the Siberian alive to make people join the Protectorate' idea makes less than no sense tbh, but then, that's Cauldron's whole problem is how small it is and how much Doctor Mother really gets to act unquestioned.

Overall, it's an understandable sea change from Arc 14, much slower and calmer paced overall, but things are still Escalating, Brockton Bay can't get a fucking moment of peace and it will continue not doing so.

And of course, Dragon basically blackmails/extorts the PRT into letting her take her boyfriend with her, which is definitely amusing. I am curious what exactly Dragon's apparent human body in that suit is made of. Is it like, synthetic skin? Does it just look human from a distance, or...? I actually was surprised that was a thing that happened in canon - I'd seen it in a fic or two, but they were pretty heavy divergences so I assumed the changes to Dragon that were the result were at the root.

Triumph's belief that going along with Dragon and Defiant there is... honestly, a bit much. I suppose I can see how it makes sense, with how hard he was trying to reinvent himself and now it's back to shortcuts and easy options, and it seems as though he was closer to Dauntless anyway, so he may have some resentment of and issues with Armsmaster (though I notice Triumph seems to have glossed over the part where at least one other hero - Manpower - died as a result of Armsmaster's decision to go after an Endbringer solo and kill anyone in the way of that), but it is like - Armsmaster did bad, but on the scale of moral compromises, letting him go to hunt the Nine and other Class S threats seems... minor?

I dunno.

Anyway. Arc 15 was good, but it was kind of slow reading for me, despite my intentions to read faster. I can really only blame myself. It's so much easier to just read fanfic.

I'm not one of the people that says the fanfic is better than Worm, or that Worm is 'salvaged' by the fanfic, or anything, that's... a whole different mess. But if not for the fanfic, I'd probably not be reading it, and there is fanfic I'd say that is as well written from a skill perspective (if not more so) than the canon, and I'd also say that, most importantly, the fanfic is just more enjoyable than the canon. Not better, not 'superior', just... more enjoyable.

It's not that there isn't a place for depressing stories like Worm, and Worm remains compelling af, but it is just... so much nicer to read a story where more people get to be happy and things work out better for the characters I love, you know? Like, there's fics where shit goes wrong and drama and angst and all that happens, but even then, you tend to expect it to work out better in the long run. Almost no one wants to write something darker or more depressing than the canon, after all.

If Worm had been happier and smoother and easier, it probably wouldn't have had as much fic, or as much of a footprint in people's imaginations, but still.

But I'm chugging along, and I'll keep doing so.

I do expect to be spitting nails of annoyance and frustration when we get to Echidna though. :rofl:

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

EVERY WEEK I WILL POST VARIOUS REVIEWS I’VE WRITTEN SO FAR IN 2024. YOU CAN CHECK OUT MY GOODREADS FOR MORE UP-TO-DATE REVIEWS HERE.

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24. Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read January 2024

I've been wanting to re-read this series for a while because I never finished it. I remember really enjoying this first book in the series because of the competition aspect of it and I'd say I still enjoyed that!

I also see the foreshadowing for the MC's ability to attract all of the men in her life LOL. While I might not have enjoyed it as much as the first time, I still enjoyed it for the most part. There were a lot of things I forgot about and was delighted to be reminded of. The MC is a badass, but her constant "I could kill him with two moves" comments at the beginning had me rolling my eyes a few times.

Even though I know book two will break my heart again, I can't wait to pick it up. Also, SO MANY clues in this one about her identity that I missed the first time around. Definitely one of those books that is worth reading more than once just to catch all of the little pieces of the overall puzzle.

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25. Mixed Signals by B.K. Borison--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I have a bit of a gripe with this author. While I like a good chunk of the books she writes, the third act breakups are so infuriating. They take away all of those happy feelings that were building up throughout the book because the drama and miscommunication for the third acts are freaking ridiculous.

I was listening to this book last night when it happened--the inevitable "I'm afraid and a coward and let me let you stew in this miscommunication so that it somehow makes sense for me to break up with you because I'm so scared." Listen, as someone who has anxiety and has relegated herself to singledom because I don't want to deal with the messy emotions, I UNDERSTAND. It's freaking scary. BUT. But for the love of god, there are better ways around this. This manufactured and forced drama is so frustrating. I literally wanted to throw the book out the window.

These characters deserve better.

Three stars because I loved them when they were actually functioning like human beings and not drama puppets. Three stars for the small town side characters, who I have loved the whole way through this series (I'd give THEM a higher rating). And three stars for the diversity of a Latine character (even if the Spanish was sometimes questionable.)

Will I read the last book? Of course. I want to read about the other couple, but I KNOW that I'm going to be frustrated as well. Listen, I didn't think I was going to get as annoyed as with the climax of book one (because book two was actually kind of okay with the climax), but oh man. The FRUSTRATION.

Sigh. Moving on. Read this series if you want cute moments and sexy characters, but be prepared for the moments of frustration. This FMC has a lot of things to work through and I think one of the things that frustrates me the most about these third act breakups is that they feel like they come out of nowhere. They're fine in the moment and then boom, "I'm a coward."

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26. Breathless by Amy McCulloch--⭐️⭐️⭐️

One of the issues I have with adult thrillers is that I sometimes build them up a lot more in my head than the story itself. While BREATHLESS kind of suffers from this, it had its interesting and captivating moments.

I thought the mountain climbing aspect of the book was really cool and I wanted the MC to prove everyone wrong, including her awful ex-boyfriend. Granted I know nothing about mountain climbing, but that aspect of the book is probably one of the main reasons why I kept listening to this audiobook.

The mystery was not predictable but also it kind of was? LOL. It's hard to explain--I didn't actively think it was one person, but when it was all revealed, I thought it made a lot of sense. Like I said, I thought the mountain climbing was the true thrilling aspect of this book.

Overall, this was fun and I loved that ending, but it wasn't something I think I'll be thinking about a month from now. It was good, but *shrug*.

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27. Slewfoot by Brom--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I didn't know what to expect from this beautiful book. I purchased it a couple of years ago because all of my friends were talking about it, so of course I fell to the peer pressure. Just like the beautiful and eerie artwork, the story itself is unsettling and straddles that morally grey line of justified vengeance and anger versus a society's portrayal of evil (ie. a woman refusing to be cowed by a male's authority.)

Reading this gave me this odd sense of satisfaction when everything came to a head--especially thinking about all of the women who were accused of witchcraft and murdered. I especially felt this anger when I think about how many people the MC helped and how those people let their fear and hatred guide their actions against her. I think, beyond the cowardice of a man not accepting defeat, that angered me the most--women turning on each other because of a male dominated society's idealism and "godliness".

Needless to say, I loved this and couldn't put it down. I wanted to know what came next, even though I KNEW it wouldn't be something good. I'm just grateful that Brom knew that I would be looking for those satisfying moments of vengeance.

Also, I'd call this terror in the sense of that overhanging fear of what comes next. But even with the gory bits and the blood lust, I'd say the real terror in this book is humanity and how easily they are swayed. It all leads to me wanting to ask: who is the true devil here?

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28. From Dead to Worse by Charlaine Harris--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I can't believe I've made it this far! Although, I have this feeling I have because the deja vu is hitting me HARD.

FROM DEAD TO WORSE had so much going on, but unlike some of the other books before this one, this one actually took place closer to home. I kind of missed reading about Sookie's misadventures near her home. We got to revisit a lot of her relationships with the men in her life in this one--like the cleanser book for any ends that weren't fully cut clean.

I may have been spoiled for who's endgame, so I am totally seeing how Harris starting laying down the little hints here and there. But even so, knowing this doesn't stop certain moments from feeling bittersweet for me.

More things were revealed and Sookie grew even more as a character. I understood why she made the choices she made because she's finally putting her self-worth above those of the men in her life, but I still DID feel a little bad for her beau in this one. But again, I am on her side because she's been dealt some shitty men cards in the last eight books.

Onto the next one!

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29. The Fake Mate by Lana Ferguson--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

After trying and failing to read Ferguson's THE NANNY, I really wasn't sure what to expect with this vastly different genre of a book. I'm honestly so glad I decided to give this a shot anyway because THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN.

I was hooked onto the story and I loved the different tropes that were used. The whole grumpy/sunshine thing will always be a winner with me, and I am a puddle for this kind of tension. And don't even get me started on the smut. Omg, this man. The dirty talk in this was *chef's kiss*. This man is hot HOT.

I also really liked how the climax of the story was handled, even if one of my least favourite tropes was temporarily employed. I admire a self-sufficient FMC who can slap some sense into the MMC.

I do recommend this book to romance lovers, but I know that the topics explored in this book may be new to some. Research beforehand might be an awkward time LOL.

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30. Just Happy to Be Here by Naomi Kanakia--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I want to preface my review by stating that I am not a member of the Trans community, so my opinions on this book are from an outsider's perspective.

JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE was an intense read, both because of the clear transphobia and because of the MC's youth/naive nature about the people around her. The number of times she was cut off by those around her, or had such clear transphobic comments and actions done against her and she brushed them off was rage-inducing. I think I know why she does this--especially at the end, when it all ties up really nicely together, but in the moment, I felt immense rage towards the people around her.

Kanakia's novel touches on so much happening right now in society and how people twist narratives to fit their agendas and their means. How some people can see one person as an "object" to further their ideologies.

This book just made me feel a lot and made me so angry, but I know I am privileged in my cis-life. My heart broke for the kids who are in these situations and/or are surrounded by people who just refuse to see beyond their own biases and hatred.

I also appreciate the representation of the complex familial relationship between the MC and her parents--it may have been imperfect, but as an adult, I can see the love there for their daughter.

Between the beautiful cover, the emotionally stimulating and thought-provoking story, and the raw reality of a young character trying to figure herself out, I do recommend JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE. I do also recommend that the TWs be heeded: transphobic language, transphobia, internalized racism, transmisogyny. Read with care--but know that this is a pretty important story. Also, Kanakia has a pretty great author's note at the end!

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31. The Probability of Everything by Sarah Everett--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

THE PROBABILITY OF EVERYTHING was so much more than what I was expecting and although my heart feels wounded and my eyes are still feeling that aching pressure after a good cry, I'm so grateful I was able to experience it.

Twelve year old me wishes she had this book to read when my world changed so irrevocably, much like the MC of this book.

This heartbreaking novel follows a young scientist-to-be who likes to deal with probabilities in exchange for the anxiety surrounding her world ending. We are faced with a family grieving the end and how everyone handles it differently.

I don't even know what else to say about this book for fear of spoiling it--but know that it is powerful, important, and heart-rending.

___

32. Long Shot by Kennedy Ryan--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read: January 2024

I've been wanting to re-read LONG SHOT for a while, even though it is a very heavy and dark book. I had forgotten just how dark this book gets and while I highly recommend it, I do still super recommend you check out the trigger warnings.

Despite the dark and the abuse, the shining light was the blossoming romance between the two MCs and how, if something is truly destined for you, it'll happen.

LONG SHOT is a book full of emotion, heart, heartbreak, and a bit of magic in the sense that Karma is a bitch and it comes for all. Also, the FMC is one strong woman who did everything she could to protect those she loves. Kennedy touches on the misconceptions that haunt survivors of DA, which I thought was a very important aspect of the book.

Now I want to read the rest of the trilogy, which I never read after the first time I read this one.

___

33. Two Twisted Crowns by Rachel Gillig--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I am always wary of sequels--especially when it's for fantasy books I initially really enjoyed. Somehow, Rachel Gillig delivers a sequel that was even better than the first book. TWO TWISTED CROWNS was a delight of a read full of dark moments, high intensity, anger, and a love story I felt more deeply than in book one.

The angst alone between two of the characters I wasn't expecting to see together was better than I could have ever hoped for. This was what made this book even more fun--just me casually waiting for these characters to just cross that line with each other.

Also, I found that TWO TWISTED CROWNS had me reacting more viscerally towards the hateful villains. The way I wanted to smack a bitch in this book because how dare they hurt these precious beings?

And, hi, I wasn't expecting to cry? Imagine that I'm enjoying this darker fantasy novel when all of a sudden, my eyes start to water during an emotional scene.

Let's applaud Gillig for making this a duology (hopefully) and not dragging this in a ten series saga. This whole series was such an incredible piece of fiction. I'm glad I fell into the hype and read these two books.

___

34. Holes by Louis Sachar--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read January 2024

I don't even know how many times I read this when I was a kid. Reading it as an adult now was such an interesting experience. For one, the story felt a lot shorter and quicker than I remember it being. I also remembered everything because I'm not kidding when I say that I read this A LOT as a kid.

Being an adult, I can also see how truly sad this story could get--especially one of the historical stories told throughout the book.

Such an amazing classic and truly a gem.

___

Have you read any of these books? Would you recommend them?

___

Happy reading!

[pbandjesse]

I woke up in kind of a bad mood this morning. Just not enough sleep and not feeling my best. James also didn't come up stairs and then they kept slamming the front door and I was just really unsettled. Not the best way to start the day.

When I went downstairs I told James how much I didn't enjoy the slamming and they apologized. But we were both kind of in off moods. They didn't sleep well either. But we pulled ourselves together best we could.

I had actually gotten out of bed at 650 so I was all the way ready earlier they needed. But I still left even if it was before 720. And I had a pretty great drive in. No traffic at all. And I got to camp at 750.

I would have a lot to do today. After I had my breakfast I would start writing out programs. Alexi would come in and we would half a almost half hour chat about what she wants from the schedule and all of the little things I missed at the end of the meeting. And I had a little more clarity about what the second "village program" block is. I have renamed it "cabin choice" for clarity. But I think I understand how to make it work.

I would spend the next few hours moving things around on the schedule and I really made it work the way I think they wanted. I was able to make it so there are specialty programs, village time, cabin time, all the other staffed programs like archery and riflery. And it was fun. Like solving a puzzle or pulling threads from a pile. I would have to take some brain breaks. But I really was making great head way.

Elizabeth asked us to check out the cabins for a group that was coming in this afternoon for the weekend. And so when I needed some time away from the computer I drove up to the Alaskans and walked around. Picked up trash. Made sure everything seemed clean. And then drove to the fort and checked out the rooms there too. Everything was in order.

When I got back to the office Elizabeth and Sarah were surprised I went and handled that without saying anything. They didn't know where I went. But it was completed and that was good. And it was time for lunch.

I would hear back from Parker about the check and he was so frustrated that the other staff didn't give it to me he literally walked to our house and put it in our mail box. What a sweet heart. He also hid our package, that was left on the stairs, behind the trashcan. Thank you Parker, you're a gem.

I would continue to work on my schedule and my programing ideas. I checked in with Heather and asked if we could go over everything later. She was finishing a grant though and it was due today so I would wait until she was done.

I would also help her with some math. Which was difficult! I got to learn was the revenue and expenses of camp are though and that was interesting. It was nice being productive.

When we would meet if was when everyone else was out of the office. Alexi left early to get Josephine because it's her birthday. And Elizabeth and Sarah had gone on a walk. And so me and Heather sat in her office and went through the whole schedule and she seemed really impressed that I made it work in the format I had already built. And I suggested we really start working on what the programing is, what we need to buy, and what we need to build to make it successful. So I am going to do that next week. I really hope that Alexi agrees this is a good direction.

I chatted with Heather about how much I would wander away from the group as a child. Just absolutely loved eloping. And how it was such a different world when I did it. Like it seemed no one ever looked for me. But when kids at camp run away I'm like. I get it. But please stop. We are going to get in trouble.

My laptop was on 6% which meant it was about time to go home. So I packed how and said goodbye to Heather and went home.

I barely had any traffic on the drive. And got home before 430. I saw we had some mail. Including the package Parker hid for us. And when I brought everything inside I saw we had a bill from Johns Hopkins. From when we were in the ER. When we were not actually seen or treated. So I obviously will not be paying that. Absolutely not. It did make me laugh though.

James would come home soon with more mail

They stopped at the left office and we had packages. One being a new bracelet they got me with "Jessica" on it. I love it. And the other being a gift from their aunt Jan. A door mat with our chosen last name and I just thought that was so sweet. What a thoughtful gift.

Speaking of gifts. I will have to start thinking about our housewarming party and invites and registry soon. I'm hoping for the first weekend in April? We will see how that shakes out.

James and me had a plan tonight to move the daybed upstairs. But after moving all of the stuff in the studio out of the way I got a really bad pain in my side and had to sit out. But James was able to take the bed apart in a few pieces and got it upstairs and reassembled pretty quickly. Was proud of them.

That little room is still going to have shelves and everhbting but we are calling it the "preplay room" right now. Like we would like a child eventually and that would probably be their room but also it's a guest room right now and where a lot of my toy collection will probably live. Fun fact I believe my bedroom growing up was also the guest room. Mom you can correct me on that.

After the daybed was set up James took me to Mathews for dinner. And they didn't even really need us to order. Root beer, diet Pepsi, thai pie, ranch dressing on the side. Me and James talked about camp and the programing stuff I worked on today. And the food was great and it was just a really lovely time.

When we got back James had to park in a very tight spot but they are an excellent parallel parker so they obviously killed it. And when we got inside we all (Sweetp included) cuddled up on the couch for a long while.

Eventually I came up here to write my post. And now my eyes are very sleepy. I still will take a shower and get all ready for bed. But I am excited to sleep in a little tomorrow.

The big plan tomorrow is to go to the apartment to clean. Then take an afternoon break. Then I work at the museum tomorrow night. It's been forever since I could say that. I miss it terribly. So I am very much looking forward to it. I hope it's a lot of fun. It will be my first event without Angie though and that makes me a little sad.

I hope you all sleep great tonight. And have a very good Saturday. I love you all very much. Goodnight!

[rosesfox]

Honestly I usually try to give SJM the benefit of the doubt with the no news in that first of all she doesn’t use socials much anyway and she gets bullied online all the time so I get why she stays off and just wants to write her silly little books, and second that logistically her maternity leave and having other things she needs to work on before acotar 5 just means announcing anything acotar is premature. However seeing Stephanie Garber promote ouabh3 ever since a few weeks after tbona does make me feel some type of way about SJM. Obviously book 3 is coming out in 9 months whereas it’ll be like 12 now for cc3, so there’s a time difference, plus Stephanie is still in the YA-standard for big YA authors in terms of promo (isn’t as big as Sarah and isn’t adult so has a smaller readership to talk to and has to do marketing as well as her publisher), so I get they’re not the same situation. But Stephanie was posting quotes and teasers before she even had a book 3 draft. I still don’t believe she’s finished draft 1? Granted the book will be half the size of any SJM book. But the whole “I haven’t written it yet!” from Sarah doesn’t fly when you have authors who release titles and snippets before it’s fully written. Especially if you’re going to keep saying you haven’t written it yet for two years+, it’s not like it’s a few months. Just a rant. I appreciate how Stephanie teased her readers. I feel sad SJM doesn’t want to put that effort in to her readers.

unfortunately this made me create a bad image of her. i've been following a few book releases with authors like holly black, kerri maniscalco, jennifer l. armentrout and stephanie herself, and they all put some effort into promoting their work. stephanie gave us quotes, spent a week playing a game with us to release the title, gave us the title and the release date! she also thanked us several times and said how important it was to her, and that ends up bringing the audience closer to her and to what she proposes with her work.

if there's one thing i learned in college, it's this: no matter how famous you are, promoting your works never hurts. you can see big brands out there that are huge and continue to invest and their campaigns and that's respectable.

i understand that the environment for sarah is not always pleasant, but it never is for people who work with the public. see all the backlash jennifer received after releasing twotq, and she continued to use her facebook group as usual. it happens to everyone and it's usually not a reason to completely stop promoting something that makes you a profit.

i personally don't think sarah is distant for any personal reason, but rather because she takes her fans' passion for granted. i'm not kidding when i say that her whole attitude (and the unsustainable situation of this fandom, formed by herself) made me distant and made me lose a big part of my interest in some couples and their books.

[belberrii]

Hooo Boy...

Yesterday,I watched a video about this certain trend,that was about tradwives and how we,as women,should return to that.

And,like... Don't they realize those influencers that presumed to be such a "traditional" role(because what they do is the opposite of what they supposedly have to do,because come on,what kind of traditional housewife,especially guided by the bible,would go to the internet to presume such a lifestyle? Exactly none.), is far from being good for most of us? Do they know about the global economy,at all?

What this person that I watched this(it's in spanish by the way) pointed out important points,so I'll say them here,in case anyone here might want to know these questions/points.

And it was that how dangerous it could be for going to that lifestyle,especially young and with no backup plan,because you'll be in such a vulnerable position,whether you see it or not.

The important questions some must ask and reflect are: What if,what if your presumably loving and devoted husband leave you,with nothing but kids,just because he found a better model to be with? As in... Someone younger? Would you be just fine?

What if the man suffers an accident and could no longer provide? What if he's gone? Have you ever think about those? And worse, with kids,little kids that are not even in puberty?

"Oh,but I have friends/my parents to support me,you fEmInIst hEaTheNn 🙄" Okay Sarah, what if your parents live elsewhere,unaware for now about your serious situation? Or live far away? Also,your friends do their own lives,they cannot cater to your needs the whole time.

And fyi, nothing wrong with that lifestyle,but you have to give a lot of thought before saying "yes" to your potential future husband,because once married, there might be changes,and that man--not even you, would have the mentality of highschool sweethearts,you'll be adults and more so if both happen to have a baby already.

Also, I don't think those people are pro-life if they only care about fetuses and only babies,and NOT the rest of the life of that creature,but that's a subject that someone more prepared on this could discuss or teach.

Girls,I'm from a hispanic country,in which we don't seem to advance on that matters,if so there shouldn't be any feminicide daily,or some cowards mocking about other women via here,on internet.So our "traditional" homes... How do you think they used to be or possibly still? Correct, both parents work,because the salary and the current economy cannot make one of them to stay at home,unless your hubby is more than stable to maintain not only that house,but you(that you're in charge of the money and the house running), grosery, your kids and whatever else could arise and if you want to live in that way, then that man shouldn't even complain of being having a pent up stressed for getting even two or three jobs to give you a good,or decent life.

Also that type of content? Only, what, a 3% of the global population could afford that,and sorry,but you,me and many others are not part of that.

Work,study a degree of your preference,gain at least a bit of money,believe me,you'll feel good for having a bit of your own and if you can afford to buy a house,put your name on that paper,otherwise and hopefully it won't happen soon to you or not at all like that, you may end up in the streets,or having to depend on someone else.

Remember: all of us are human, limited beings,okay? So do not ever take what you have for granted or romanticize about this lifestyle currently, you won't know what would happen in three years, fifteen and so on,have a backup plan if something could go wrong.This is not me being a fatalist or scaring you about this, it's to prevent a harsh result in the future.

Also,having kids cannot be a secure thing that you'll have "someone to take care of you when you're old". No fam.No.Nope girlie. Those kids will grow up,possibly would want to be independent by,let's say... 23 years old,do their own life,possibly a family on their own,travelling or living in another country,so... Don't be that selfish or controling.

And remember girlie! Not every woman is maternal nor wishes to be a mother,so don't look down on those childree women,I'm one myself.Also,Idk if anyone else goes from this,but sometimes a woman might not want a baby because some might be sensitive or very sensitive about specific things babies do (i.e. throwing up, shitting the diaper a lot),as in being easily grossed out about that,others cannot give birth, have fertility issues,or they simply just don't seem to be mothers and so on, so no need to force or be coercive with childfree women,we have our reasons to not.

And please don't ever use,as your preferred weapon the bible,because there's a psalm or a passage that says that women that didn't give birth are also blessed women.I don't remember where,or if it's with those exact words,but somewhere there it states that.So... mhm.

Speaking of which,in no page stated that you must be a brainless doormat to submit to your man's whim.Only with God,because you're a devoted woman,right? And if he made you as His image and He lives in you... Shouldn't you treat yourself better,lady? If He wouldn't like for us to be vocal about things, He shouldn't even gave us a tongue or a wonderful mind to begin with,in the words of this person that I watched the video about this. This is for those who use recklessly the bible as their favorite weapon to give reason to what they do btw.

And,as an extra thing that some women might tell you about this is that you should get a hobby,if you have time.I dunno, learn a new language, knit, do some gardening, go to online classes about a topic you like to know, learn to bake... Idk ,something like that,so you'll have something on your own and not waiting for the other to do the things you might want to do.

It's good to enjoy what you have now with that person,but please think about a long-term posibilities, what could I do if this or that happens,it could save you a lot of heartache and deceptions and sorrowness.

Learn to dicern from online stuff-fictional settlements that you see here on the internet and the reality,what you see in everyday.

[eriellesudario]

Star Wars Day 2017 @ WSU | How a simple nerdy event became educational

Star Wars Day has hit Western Sydney University and this year, the celebration of this Sci-Fi event has gone bigger as Western Sydney University Nerdfighters has partnered with Information Technology and Digital Services (ITDS) to create a bigger event than ever before. This year, both students and staff worked together to not only celebrate the film franchise but to also discuss on how Star Wars and the world of science fiction can help innovate the future and what we can learn from them.

The event ran for the whole day, starting from 10AM at the EE Building and once you entered, you could see the hard work and effort both the Nerdfighters team and IT staff have made. There were two virtual reality booths, one to visually project an image of the Death Star and the other to do a VR Lightsaber training, an arts and crafts table, and other activities that attendees could participate.

Emma Del Dot, the club president of Nerdfighters states that “We’ve got interest from academics and students this time. Its really great and I’m really excited about it”

 The event was heavily advertised via the university’s social media in hopes to have plenty of staff and students to come over and celebrate this occasion. According to Jo Deeker (the strategic, planning and portfolio manager in IT) and Sarah Chaloner (the deputy chief information and digital officer), they both contacted the Nerdfighters to ask if they want to work together for this event after hearing that the club has something planned via Facebook.

​​

“We were already planning something this year but we heard that the Nerdfighters were planning something at the same campus. So we contacted the Nerdfighters and asked if we can please work together to put the event on” said Sarah.

Isabella Bowdler came from UTS to attend the event after being told about it via her lecturer. She said “I thought I was going to be a bit bored because I’m not a huge Star Wars Fan, but I found the talks really interesting because they didn’t just talked about star wars. They talked about how it’s still relevant in modern day, and talked about sociology and stuff like that”.

​​

“I think what science fiction does is that it paints the picture of the future, and the scientist and the engineers come together and go ‘ah, I know how that looks like, I’m gonna create it” Sarah Chaloner says.

“I think one of the biggest impacts that I’ve seen recently is from Star Trek and particularly the touch screen technology” Jo Deeker says. “In 1967, they were pushing buttons on the screen and it was completely unrealistic. And yet 10 years ago smartphones came out and it was amazing”

“Think about this, the things that you take for granted, every time you go through a sliding door, they have it in the shopping centres, and even in the university, that concept first introduced to the public in the original Star Trek series” Sarah Chaloner says. “Every time I go through a sliding door now, I make that noise in my head… and sometimes I make it out loud, because I remember watching on television thinking ‘That’s amazing, wouldn’t it be cool if you walked up the door and it just opens?’”.

The staff believes that its possible to make fun and learning co-exist and there is a lot that we can learn from science fictions and it’s possible to weave them in to the academic world. This event gave them the opportunity to tell their stories on how Science Fiction has influenced them in a huge way that it now intertwines to their academic field.

The key message that can be taken home from this event is that Science Fiction inspires people to innovate and create better things for the future. It can influence on what plan to do for the future and it can improve on how we see our world today and tomorrow.

“Science Fiction just provides the ideas. They just paints the picture on what the future might look like, or could look like, or should look like. And it’s our jobs as engineers, scientist, technicians, and artist to make that real” said Sarah Chaloner.

Star Wars Day in WSU was truly an amazing event I’m looking forward to see what Nerdfighters have install for the future.

​

Writer’s note: Article was written on May 5 2017. It was submitted for W’sup but nothing was said about it so I published it here for the time being.

Official Star Wars Day Gallery via Facebook

[ladyofstardust]

Portions for Goblins

Word Count: 7k

Rating: T

Summary: In which Sarah finally puts on her big girl pants and Jareth learns the rules of the game.

Notes: Apartment-verse fic.  Directly follows Gaping Head Wounds.  I’m also posting them over at Ao3 in order if you’d prefer to read that way.  

When you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood - The Fruit Bats

Sarah paced her living room apartment.  Occasionally muttering to herself in between sips of her drink.  It had been weeks since her concussion and Jareth had kept to his word, staying in her life and dropping in as he normally did.  But he’d pulled back massively.  It was odd.  Their conversations felt stilted and full of unsaid words.  She didn’t like it, she wanted her Jareth back, the one who was a giant dork and who would happily share a blanket with her while they went through her DVD collection.  The one who argued with her over historical events and who left empty tea mugs all over her apartment.    

This was a Jareth who wouldn’t sit near her, and who declined her offers of tea.  He came to board game nights and spent more time talking to her friends than to her.  Previously she could barely get him to acknowledge Hoggle’s existence, now suddenly they were best friends.

Sarah’s friend Laurel was stretched out on her couch, flipping between the channels as Sarah wore a path in her hardwood.  Laurel and Sarah had gone to college together and had remained as close as two women could be when one of them slept in a bed of lies.

That is to say, Sarah had been telling a lot (like, a lot ) of fabrications of her life to Laurel for many years and was presently struggling on how to explain to her friend her current problem.  But she was nearing the end of her second glass of wine and Laurel was losing patience with Sarah’s “dramatics” as she liked to put it.  

“Okay Sar, is this about Jareth?”  Laurel finally said, muting the TV.  “You only get this worked up when it’s about him.”

“Don’t phrase it like that,” Sarah muttered, continuing to pace.  “But yes, somehow everything is always about him .”

“Oh I know why!”  Laurel said raising her hand, as if in a mock question period.  “It’s because your dumb ass is in love with him, has been for years, and those chickens sure as shit have come home to roost.”

When Sarah had brought Laurel in on her life, she’d simply told her Jareth was an old friend who she’d had a big falling out with years ago.  They’d recently reconnected over mutual friends and had gotten close.  She mentioned once that Jareth had a thing for her and left it at that.  For some reason she’d never mentioned any of her other friends to Laurel.  They never needed explanation because Sarah just avoided mentioning them referring to them by the catchall term “my friend”.  Jareth, on the other hand, always seemed to require an explanation.  Laurel thankfully still lived in Upper Nyack with her parents, so she’d always had a convenient excuse for why they’d never met.   

“Hey lay off, I get enough of that from him and I don’t need it from you too.”  Sarah said pointedly.

“Whatever you weirdo,” Laurel said, helping herself to her own glass of wine.  “We both know you’re going to go there eventually.  But you seem particularly agitated about him this time soooo maybe try the whole ‘tell your friend what has you acting like a crazy person’ thing?  I hear it has its perks.”

“Well you’re not wrong, it is about Jareth,” she stalled.

“So you’ve said.”

“So this one is tricky because I think this one might fall on my shoulders and I don’t want to deal with that,” she said.

“Well no,” Laurel said, taking a sip.  “If you wanted to deal with it I wouldn’t be sitting here drinking all your wine.”

“Oh nothing for it,” Sarah replied with a sigh, plopping herself down on top of Laurel’s feet at the end of her couch.  “I messed up bad.  Remember how I said I would absolutely never be getting involved with Jareth?”

“Let me guess,” Laurel replied rolling her eyes, “you got involved with Jareth.”

“I didn’t exactly get involved with him so much as I’ve been casually making out with him for…a while now.”

“Oh?” Laurel said with a raised brow.  

“Yeah, oh.  I intended it to happen just the once but then…goddammit that asshole knows how to kiss Laurel.  It’s like he knew that I’d get addicted, which I’m not ruling out that he’s done something to make me want to kiss him like this, but whatever I’m here now I guess.”

“Okay, so you want to kiss him, he’s been chasing you for said kisses, so logical conclusion states that this is a good thing.”

“Well for starters you know why I don’t want to want to kiss him,” Sarah pointed out.  

“Yeah but, you do,” she said with a shrug, as if the answer was of little consequence. “So let’s not waste time talking about what you want to want because that could take a while and I gotta go soon.  Is your problem that you two are making out and you like it?  Or that you want to know what to do about it?  Either way you asked the wrong friend, I’m just gonna tell you to bang it out until you can’t walk straight and then you know, fall in love, get married and have a couple of ridiculously good looking kids.”

“Yeah this was helpful,” Sarah replied sarcastically, downing the last of her glass of wine.  “No, weirdly that is not my problem.  I mean, it is my problem but I’m handling it.  My problem is that at my company New Years party, Jareth basically laid out in plain terms just how much he means to me and all I could do was stutter about liking things the way they were.  So he says he wants to put some distance between us, which I handle … poorly, for some reason.  I don’t see him for weeks and then he hears about my concussion, and immediately rushes to my bedside.  At which point, high as a kite on painkillers, I tell him how much I want him in my life but I still keep a line between friendship and relationship and it’s a thin line, but the line is there.  Like for god’s sake Laurel, he read me Persuasion until I fell asleep.”

“Dang dude,” Laurel replied.

“I know!” Sarah exclaimed.  “But anyways he’s started coming around more since the head injury, and he’s being weird.  Like won’t look me in the eyes, treats me like basically a stranger, is clearly spending time with me out of a misplaced sense of obligation, weird.  Which I friggin’ hate .  I just want things to go back to the way they were.  Where we could just be friends and hang out and still be close.”

“Wow your ass is dumb,” Laurel said, giving Sarah a shove with her foot.  “Like what the absolute dicks Sarah? How could you have possibly just said that to me and not heard a word of it?”

“What do you mean?” Sarah asked confused.

“Well for starters, your waffling ass has been in a relationship with this dude for what sounds like a while now, whether you realize it or not.”

“I’m not dating Jareth!” Sarah protested.  

“Ok, but see, you are .”

“Please explain how I’m dating him when he won’t even sit on the couch with me anymore.”

“Sure let’s go through this,” Laurel said sitting up straight.  “First of all, you guys go on dates.  That’s a pretty big one.”

“We went on one date and that was a joke,” Sarah interjected.  

“Not true,” Laurel corrected.  “You guys have been on plenty of dates whether you ‘count’ them or not.  Just because you’re sitting on the couch watching the movie and not at the theatre doesn’t make it not a date.  I can count the number of ‘proper’ dates Eddie and I have gone on with one hand,” Laurel said, in reference to her long term partner.  

“Well we’re not sleeping together,” Sarah argued.  

“What about your friend Julia - she’s asexual and she doesn’t sleep with her girlfriend,” Laurel pointed out.  “Does that make their relationship not real?”

“Well that’s different,” Sarah said dismissively.  “That’s how they choose to define their relationship.  Jareth and I aren’t asexual, and besides, they do other stuff to feel close to one another.”

“Other stuff like say, cuddling up on the couch together?  Or going on dates?  Or taking care of one another when they’re sick?  Or spending the holidays together?” Laurel teased.

“I see where you’re going with this, but your point is moot,” Sarah said with a sigh.  “At the end of the day, Jareth and I are free to date other people and do not consider ourselves as dating let alone in a relationship.  It doesn’t matter if you think the ‘facts add up’ or whatever because that is not how we define our relationship.”

“Okay, so then how would you define it?  How would you explain Jareth to someone you’re on a first date with?” Laurel asked.

Sarah thought for a second, raking her hand through her hair.  Laurel was being kind by avoiding pointing out that Sarah hadn’t really been on any dates in a while now.  Definitely for as long as Jareth had been in the picture.  There was Andrew sure, but he hadn’t lasted long and when Jareth had started to factor in, things went predictably screwy.  There were a few questionable late night chats and meet-ups with one old friend of hers, but she’d avoided mentioning him to Jareth.  To his credit, if Jareth was spying on her full-time (which, Sarah really wished someone else would acknowledge that this was not really a concern in other relationships), he’d never mentioned it or acted differently around her because of it.

Similarly, she had no idea if Jareth had anybody in his life that might fill a partner role or even if people in the Underground went on dates.  Or if they just held giant bacchanals during the feasts and let those chips fall where they may.  She’d never asked, and frankly didn’t really want to know either way.  If he did have a woman in the Underground, then that made everything that was happening with her so much worse.  It would confirm her worst suspicions; that he only ever thought of her as a prize to be won.  A silly human girl that was no more than a flash in the pan of his life.  Still, it seemed the easier path sometimes.  

“Jareth is…foreign,” she said carefully to Laurel.  “There are different standards of affection where he comes from.  I don’t think he’d disappear if I had a serious relationship.  Nor do I think he’d hold it against me in any way.  I think he almost expects me to get bored of him, marry someone else, and settle down with 2.5 kids in the suburbs in a few years.”

“Well…that’s pretty sad,” Laurel said solemnly.  

Sarah hadn’t really thought about it that way before.  She didn’t really see it as sad so much as an inevitability of hers and Jareth’s incompatible lives.  He had to know they had no long term potential and if he didn’t he was kidding himself.  Sure she could stay with him for the rest of her life, but he would never get to spend his life with her.  It was a huge reason why she wanted to stop before they could start.  

“I wish I was the kind of girl who could just say to hell with it.  But I don’t know how to be that person.  There’s so much there Laurel, and if I go down this path, that’s it for me.  I know it is.  Jareth will be the last person I ever love if I let him in and I’m not sure I’m enough.”

“What fucking garbage - you can’t possibly think you’re not enough for him.  The man clearly is enamoured with you.  To the point where I’m mildly concerned he might be your stalker, but you seem to actually want him to be your stalker so I think both of you need just boatloads of therapy.”

“Well there’s a true statement if I ever heard one,” Sarah acknowledged.  “I blame Linda frankly.”

“Oh cool are we at the point where we shit talk your mom?  Cause I am always down to shit talk Linda,” Laurel said brightening.  Laurel’s patience with Sarah’s mom ran out the day she graduated.  Her dad had given her a handshake and a one armed hug, her mom had shown up completely coked up, and spitting vitriol about Sarah’s life like she was on commission.  Sarah had cried and Laurel helped her sneak out of her own graduation party to drink wine in the park.  It wasn’t the first time her mother had disappointed her, but it was the last time she let it cut so deep.

“Well it’s not like my dad and Karen have been shining examples either,” Sarah argued.  

“They seem happy enough,” Laurel replied.

“Maybe,” Sarah said with a scoff.  “But their entire life depresses me just to think about.  Karen’s fulfillment is wrapped around my dad, Toby, and her home.  She’s always gotta be better than her sister Irene, or better than the ladies of the PTA, or better than someone.  She loves my dad and brother to the point of erasing her own identity.  Did you know she was a paralegal?  She had a career and a life and now she’s just someone’s wife and someone’s mother.  That makes my skin crawl.”

“I think that’s needlessly harsh,” Laurel said.  “I doubt you’ve ever asked Karen whether she’s happy.  She seems to really like her life.  Just because being ‘just a wife and mother’ makes you want to vom doesn’t mean that everyone has to have your viewpoint.  Also that’s not what we’re talking about here.”

“I’m just saying that the people who are supposed to be my best example of a successful relationship features hollow suburban nonsense and a woman who ditches her family to play professional groupie.”

“Yeah well, we don’t get to pick our parents and you get the hand you’re dealt.  Linda’s garbage, but your dad tries with you.  That’s way more than most people can say.  Also he paid for all your schooling which is way nicer than my parents.”

“Your parents actually love each other and are nice hardworking people though,” Sarah argued.

“Yeah but love doesn’t pay off my 65k debt, and don’t give me that ‘nice hardworking people’ shit princess.  Your dad works his ass off for you and your brother and you could stand to be a little more grateful to him.”

“He paid because it was expected of him.  I’d rather have a dad who I could talk to once in a while than one who just writes a check, and I hate when you call me Princess,” she complained.

“Listen Sarah, we could go real deep on your childhood here but most of your problems could be solved if you’d actually talk to Jareth properly.  You can’t close your eyes and pretend the elephant in the room isn’t there, because then the elephants gonna stomp all over your shit,” Laurel said, grabbing her coat and shoes.  “I gotta go but text me if you need anything.  Next time when you’re not so stressed out I’m going to want details - details of the kissing variety.”

“Ugh,” Sarah said raking a hand down her face.  “He kisses like someone who’s trying to fight me with his mouth, and it’s fucking great and I hate him.”

“Frankly I’m just impressed with your self-control,” Laurel said laughing.  

“Yeah let’s just say it’s one of the harder parts of it.”

“Oh I’ll bet it is,” Laurel said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, quickly closing the apartment door before the pillow Sarah threw could hit her.    

“UGH,” Sarah shouted again, flopping backwards onto her couch again.  “Whyyyy me?”

“It is safe to come out yet?” a familiar voice spoke from behind the couch.  

“Oh no Hoggle!” Sarah cried, horrified to find her dwarf friend crouching behind the couch.  “I thought I did a sweep before Laurel got here.”

“I just came by to get my hat,” he said, holding up his little cap.  “I didn’t realize you had a guest an’ you locked the mirror so I just hid back here till she left.  She sure is loud.”

“Yeah she can be,” Sarah said with a smile.  “It’s just Laurel.  I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were here when I locked the mirror down.  Did you hear everything we talked about?”

“Errrrrr,” Hoggle replied, running his hat through his hands.

“Gonna go with a yes then,” Sarah sighed.  “Since you did hear, did you have any opinions on the current state of the union as it were?  How do you feel about this new weirdness?”

“Er, well, it’s not really my place…” Hoggle said trailing off.

“Well then what about Jareth?  Do you have any idea what’s going on there?”

Hoggle tried answering Sarah, opening his mouth to start before seeming to hesitate and then closing it again.

“Yes,” he finally said.

“Yes?” Sarah repeated.

“Yes.” Hoggle affirmed.

“Well yes what?!”  Sarah cried, really starting to get at her wit’s end.

“Yes I know what he thinks about all this.  There’s stuff I can’t tells ya, anything the king gives us a direct order for or things that would be considered secrets of the crown and all that.”

“I’m not a secret of the crown Hoggle,” she said not unkindly.  “I’m a person who’s caught in between two worlds and there’s a man who’s doing his damnedest to pull me into his.”

Hoggle simply shrugged.  “Don’t know what to tell you Sarah, you know as well as I do that Jareth likes keeping things close to his chest.”

“No wait,” Sarah said, perking up.  “I just have to ask the right questions.  Jareth would only privilege the stuff he thought I might ask you guys about.  Or that you’d want to tell me.  But there will be loads of stuff he didn’t think was important to hide.”

“Oh no,” Hoggle said shaking his head.  “I’m not getting bogged putting myself in the king’s romantic life, not again!  No sir, not me, no kisses - no bog!”

“Please Hoggle!” Sarah begged.  “I’m real desperate here.”

“What if I saids he was in love with ya Sarah?”  Hoggle snapped.  “What if I said as far as he’s concerned ya hung the moon.  What then?”

“I don’t...then I’ll know.”  Sarah said, lamely.  “I don’t know, I hadn’t gotten that far yet.”

“Well maybe you ought to look where you’re going before you start walking,” Hoggle said gruffly.  

“All I wanted,” she replied, flopping back onto her couch.  “Was to meet a nice boy.  Maybe we’d go to dinner, he’d buy me flowers, we’d meet each other’s families and then I could build something of my own.  Something not filled with fame hungry mothers and workaholic fathers.  But no, enter my byronic hero in a mass of glitter and broken electronics.”

“Yer full of bog Sarah,” Hoggle snapped and Sarah was slightly taken aback.  Hoggle never snapped at her.  “Ya had lots of chances to get rid of him and all ya did was open your door wider.  Even now yer complaining to your friend about him not being around as much.”

“Well of course I want him,” she whined.  “But Hoggle, if I date him that’ll be it for me.  I won’t ever be able to meet that nice boy and have something of my own.  I have to decide if I want him more than I want a normal life or the chance of a family.”

“He ain’t askin’ that,” Hoggle reminded her.

“Of course not,” she said waving him off.  “But he doesn’t have to and he knows it.  If he asks that of me he’s unreasonable and pushy and I’m right to be mad at him.  If he asks that then suddenly he’s isolating me and rushing us to the finish line which is insane.  So he won’t ask.  Besides what could he possibly say?  ‘Date me for a while and let’s see if this works out’ - no because Jareth wants me to say I’m his forever.  Which as much as you guys may try and spin it, still works out to quite a while .”

“Then maybe ya should talk to him about it and not your friend Hoggle who was also perfectly happy living the life of a nice quiet gardener,” he scolded her.  “S’not like I wanted any part of this story neither but here we are.”

“Oh yes,” Sarah repeated.  “Here we are indeed.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, with Hoggle drinking his soda and Sarah fiddling with her empty wine glass in her hands.  She knew she could ask Hoggle the Right Questions and he’d answer her.  Not because he was bound like he was with Jareth, but because he was her friend.  It felt wrong to put him in danger, however trivial it may seem to her, just for her own peace of mind.  Besides he was right.  It didn’t matter if Jareth wanted to listen to her or not, and it didn’t matter how many times he said he wasn’t asking for forever, they were still gonna have to have that Big Feelings Talk.  She already knew if she flipped a coin which side she’d land on.  

“Tell me Hoggle,” she finally said.  “When Jareth asked you to come here today, did he explicitly tell you to spy on me or was he just hoping that’d be a nice side effect of hiding your hat behind my couch?”

“Err,” Hoggle stuttered.  “Don’t know what yer talking about…”

“Bull,” Sarah said with a small smile.  “Jareth sent you for reconnaissance because he is both predictable and dumb.”

Hoggle nervously twiddled his hat in his hands.  “Please Sarah, I’m sorry.  I didn’t want to do it!”

“Oh please,” she said waving him off again.  “Like I just didn’t try using you the same way.  No we’re both dumpster fires and frankly should probably not date anyone because we’re not great at the whole ‘good person’ thing.  Anyways it’s fine, tell Jareth whatever you like, I’m not going to ask you to keep my secrets too.  Also he knows all this already so if anything I think this will just make him even more insane.”

“Yer both insane if ya ask me,” Hoggle grumbled.  “Never heard of two people so in a twist bout likin’ each other.”

“If there’s one thing I know about Jareth and I, it’s that we don’t do anything by halves.”

“Ya know that at least,” he said rolling his eyes.  “Can we go now?”

“Yeah, go on,” she sighed.

Hoggle hopped off her couch and headed back towards the mirror. Sarah was about to turn on Netflix and lose herself into the thousandth rewatch of the Jim and Pam’s casino night kiss, when Hoggle popped his head back out from around the corner.

“Well? Ya comin’?”

“Coming where?” Sarah asked, surprised.

“To see the king.  Y’all are gonna sort this out and I’m gonna go hide in my hut before either one of ya can decide ya want my help again.”

“Ughhh fine,” she whined, shaking out her limbs.  “Okay let’s do this before I lose my nerve.”

Sarah and Hoggle stepped effortlessly back through the mirror and into the Goblin King’s castle.  Sarah knew the main floor of the castle reasonably well at this point.  The layout was constantly changing of course, but the rooms seemed to stay more or less the same.  The throne room was always the easiest to find as it was expected most visitors would pass through it.  Therefore it was impossible to leave the castle without entering the throne room at least once.  But oddly, Jareth wasn’t there this time.  Normally when she came by the castle she barely had to walk three steps before glitterbutt showed up.  They wandered around for a few minutes before landing in front of a big fancy looking mahogany door.  Most of Jareth’s fixtures were pretty old and weather worn, so this was a bit of a departure.

“That’s his personal study,” Hoggle answered her unasked question.  “I can’t go in there.  Not allowed.  Good luck to ya.  I’m fryin’ up some fairy wings for dinner if ya want to join, you know, after.”

It was only months of practice that kept Sarah from wrinkling her nose at the idea of eating fairy wings.  “No thanks Hoggle, I’ll leave you to it.  Next time you come by I’ll have a whole plate of your favourite corndogs for you as thanks.”

Sarah waited until Hoggle was well out of sight before approaching the door.  She normally just went where she pleased in the castle, but this was different, this was Jareth’s space.  He may walk in and out of her place like it was an extension of his kingdom, but that didn’t mean she got to do the same for him.  Sarah didn’t think of it as a double standard so much as she was trying to model appropriate guest behaviour.

She gave a sharp knock on the door and heard him call to come in.  

Sarah pushed the door open carefully, unsure of what she’d find.  She’d never been in any of Jareth’s private rooms before so for all she knew it was just going to look like the inside of a disco ball.  She briefly considered whether she should have brought sunglasses before realizing how ridiculous that was.  Namely because his room could not have been less sparkly.  

It was, to Sarah’s surprise and happiness, just the perfect representation of Jareth himself.  The room was somehow both warm and cold at the same time.  There was a large desk facing away from an enormous bay window.  The desk was made of the same wood as the door and looked like it had been around for it’s fair share of Kings and Queens if the dents and scratches that covered it were anything to go by.  Everything on the desk was stacked neatly in piles, a sharp contrast to Sarah’s own work desk which could generously be considered cluttered.  There was a series of quills lined up neatly on the front of the desk and Sarah made a note to buy him a jumbo pack of ballpoints next time she was at Office Depot.  

Bookshelves lined the walls of the room, some only half full, others stuffed to the brim.  There was a comically large fireplace on the left side of the room that was warmly blazing even as all the windows were thrown open to let the cold air in.  There were two large squishy looking armchairs and small tables positioned next to them, both of which had stacks of books on them.

The walls were panelled wood, another departure from the usual stones.  There were also a number of very fancy portraits of what Sarah assumed were important Underground figures at some point in time.  Though none, she noted, of Jareth himself.  

Sarah walked across the large threadbare carpet towards the desk and plopped herself down in one of the leather wingback chairs in front of it.  Jareth hadn’t taken his eyes off of whatever he was pretending to read to acknowledge her presence, but Sarah knew it was just for dramatics.  His eyes weren’t even moving to scan.

“Sarah,” he said, after a minute had passed. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I came to talk to you,” she said with a shrug.  Her palms were sweating like crazy and Sarah was trying to keep her leg from jiggling with nerves.  The more relaxed she appeared the more relaxed she’d be.

“About anything in particular?  Or couldn’t this wait until Jenga on Sunday?”  Jareth said, not meeting her eyes.  He never met her eyes anymore.

She’d already decided not to mention Hoggle.  She didn’t want him getting in trouble and she was pretty sure outing him as Jareth’s spy would do that.  

“I talked to my friend,” she said, running a hand through her hair.  Already regretting not brushing it before coming.  “Who told me to talk to you.”

“Which friend?” He said, finally laying his reading down atop a perfectly orderly pile.  

“Laurel, we lived together in college for a while,” Sarah replied, getting up from the chair.  She was too restless to sit anyways.  “I’m going to ask you this point blank and I guess you don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to but it’d go a long way in terms of clearing some stuff up for me, so you’d do me a solid by giving me a simple yes or no here.”

“Sarah?” Jareth said, with a sigh.  “Will you please tell me what has got you wearing a hole in my floor?”

Sarah realized she had started pacing again and gripped the back of her chair to keep from moving.  

“Do you want to date me?”  she finally just blurted out.  “Like I mean, do you actually really and truly, want to do the thing where we are in a relationship, and go on dates, and slowly learn about each other to determine if we have long term compatibility?”

“I should think the answer to that was obvious by now,” he drawled.

“Well it’s not!”  Sarah cried in frustration.  “If you were a human - yeah it would be obvious!  But you’re not and we have a history, and it’s all screwed up because I never know if you’re trying to start fresh or if this is just the long con to get me to say yes to that stupid final plea you made.  I don’t know if this is real or just another game and I’m just miserable .”

To her relief, she hadn’t teared up when she said it.  She was so worried about crying in front of Jareth, she never wanted him to know just how hard she warred with herself.  She didn’t want to give him that power over her.

“This is truly upsetting you isn’t it?” He finally said.  

“Well now who’s being obvious!”  

Jareth stood up and walked in front of his desk.  Sarah noticed that he wasn’t wearing shoes and she found the idea of Jareth taking off his shoes to cozy up and relax in his study quite charming.  

“Sarah,” he said beginning to stroke her messy hair.  “To answer your questions, yes.  I want to date you.  No, I do not see this as a continuation of my final gambit.  That proposition was forfeit the moment you won.  A good thing too, you would have been very unhappy had you accepted.  It was not as above board as I might have made it seem at the time.”

“Well that part I know,” she said giving him a small smile.  “But I do owe you a massive, big time apology.  I took you as my date to that work thing partially because of the reasons I told you that night, but there is also a secret reason, which mostly comes down to I wanted to bring you.  Because even while my head is screaming to run far and fast…I still want you.  I still want to take you to work stuff and introduce you as my boyfriend.  I still want to curl up under a blanket with you and I still want to kiss you.

“But!” She quickly added, before Jareth could get any ideas about said kissing, “I also want a house with it’s own library.  I want to do things like take photography lessons, or go to improv classes.  I want to learn to speak French, I want to live in a foreign country, I want to hang glide and skydive.  I want a big fluffy dog named Gandalf and I want to write a book.  I can’t do any of those things if I choose you.  I’ll get other things, some things I don’t even know I want yet, but before I can commit to what you’re asking me…I have to decide I want you more than I want those things and I don’t know if that’s true right now.”

“I have never asked any of that of you,” he said seriously.  “Except the dog.  Please no more dogs.”

“The thing is Jareth, you don’t have to ask.  It’s just kind of part and parcel with you.  That’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.  You have to live here and you have to be the King of the Goblins.  It ties our hands a bit.”

Jareth walked over and plopped himself down in one of the armchairs by the fire.  He beckoned her over and Sarah plopped down into the other chair beside him.  Jareth shot her a look and Sarah sighed, walking over to his chair and shoved him over so she had room to sit without being entirely on his lap.  She tucked her legs up under her and rested her head on Jareth’s shoulder while he patiently continued stroking her hair.  

“It’s a self-defence thing,” she finally said quietly.

“I know,” he murmured.  

“I know I can’t have both, but I just miss you all the time and I hate that,” she said, playing with a loose thread on his shirt.

“I’m happy to try and give you both,” he offered.  “But I suspect it would not be quite what you’re looking for.”

She shrugged, just content to sit where they were right now.  It had been so long since she’d been close to him like this.  Sarah normally tried to avoid getting in his personal space this way or letting him in hers, but it hardly seemed to matter anymore.

“I could give it up,” he said, so quietly that Sarah wasn’t sure she heard him.

“Give what up?” she asked.  

He raised an eyebrow and looked around the room.  Sarah took in a sharp breath.  She hadn’t realized that was even an option.

“What…would that mean?” She said carefully.  

“Well…I’d be banished.  I would not be allowed in the Goblin Kingdom again and possibly the Underground as a whole.  The High Court would rule on that.  Odd are good as well that I’d be stripped of my magic…and as a result my immortality,” he said evenly, watching for her reaction.

“Why?” Sarah asked, genuinely confused.  “I can kinda see not being allowed back in the Kingdom, but it’s not as though you did anything wrong.”

“It’s not that simple I’m afraid.  If I remained Underground, I would always pose a threat to the current Goblin Monarch.  There would always be those who were loyal to me first, and would see me as the true king.  I wouldn’t be given the iron sentence, but they’d want to remove me as much as possible from the situation.  As for the magic and immortality…well our kind don’t survive terribly well Aboveground for long periods anymore.  There’s too much iron in your world and it would slowly kill me.  Whether or not they’d bother to remove my immortality is debatable as they might simply decide to let nature take its course.  I could easily live fifty years without showing any symptoms but that’s a relative drop in the bucket for us.  My magic is tied to the Goblin Kingdom and the Labyrinth and while magic is considered a ‘right’ for my kind, it is similarly seen as a betrayal to surrender one’s throne.  The High Court takes a dim view of those skirting what they consider the highest calling our kind can achieve.  They might remove it for a hundred years as punishment but by that time the iron poisoning will have claimed me and I’d be dead so it wouldn’t really matter,” he finally finished.

Sarah was appalled.  He’d presented the option so calmly and evenly that it was as if he was considering different options on a dinner menu.  The mere idea that he’d considered such a drastic course of action for her was enough to rattle her.

“Like I’d ever let you do that,” she scoffed, until she noticed that he wasn’t kidding around.  “Oh my god you’re serious?”

“Perfectly serious.”

“Why on earth would you ever do that?” She said, her shock coming through.

“In effect I’d be human,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  “We could live in that house with the library.  We could live in Berlin even, I could teach you French, and you could take your photography classes and whatever this improv thing is.  You would be able to write your book, you could even write your story here - with some detail changes, if you like.”

Sarah closed her eyes and sighed.  For the first time she allowed herself to imagine just being with Jareth.  She pictured waking up in their brightly lit bedroom with the big french doors, and rolling over to see him sleeping next to her.  She imagined reading the paper with him at breakfast and discussing whether or not they had to go to the hardware store this weekend to replace the fixtures in the bathroom.  She imagined their beautiful home somewhere in Tuscany or Prague or Stockholm.  She’d never told him that the thing she wanted to write more than anything was about the Underground and her experiences with it, but he’d already known somehow.  It was such a wonderful thought - she figured she could even talk him into a dog.  Maybe two, one named Gandalf and one Dumbledore.  They’d have a little spare room where all her friends could come hang out if they wanted and have the best board game collection in town.  Every year they could host Christmas and her dad would come and chat with Jareth about the economy or something, and Karen would compliment her on her roast.  Toby could study abroad in college and live with them for a semester.  Even her mum would visit and spend the whole time hitting on Jareth, which she’d take in stride because she’d know her life was perfect now.

She opened her eyes.  It was a beautiful dream, but it was just that, a dream.

“Jareth,” she said, patting his knee.  “Just like I don’t know if I can give everything up for you, I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to give everything up for me.  I’m not worth that.”

“Do not presume to tell me what is and is not worth it Sarah,” he said irritated.  “I think you’ll find that you’re very much worth it to me.”

“I don’t want that either though,” she clarified.  “I want us to be equals.  I don’t want to constantly feel like I owe you the rest of my life just because you gave up yours for me.  Just like I don’t want to come down here and make you feel like you owe me yours.  Or that my whole life is you.”

“Then I’m not sure what you want,” he replied.

“Exactly,” she said, pleased he was finally beginning to understand.  “This is hard, and complicated, and filled with the political rules of a world I don’t understand the first thing about.  But it’s also not just about us.  It’s also about Hoggle, Sir Didymus, Ludo, and every single one of those soap eating goblins that is constantly terrorizing my home.  We can’t just fuck off to Vienna or wherever and leave them in the lurch.  They’re innocent bystanders in whatever this is and despite my first impressions, I have it on good authority you’re actually a great king.  It would be selfish in the extreme for both of us to disregard that.”

“So what is it that you’re saying then?” Jareth asked, and Sarah heard the apprehension in his voice and saw the way he nervously strummed his fingers on the armrest.  His tells were so obvious it was a wonder how she never noticed them before.

“I’m saying,” she said taking a deep breath.  “That your decision to read that particular passage in Persuasion was a good one.”

“Half agony, half hope,” he said.

“Yes indeed,” she nodded.  “Half agony, half hope, half Underground, half above, and half sitting in your lap.  We are truly the Escher Room of relationships”

They continued to sit in silence like that for a little while.  Sarah wasn’t quite ready to go home.  She finally felt like they might be on the same page and he might understand why she wasn’t so ready to jump into his arms.  Though one thing was still bothering her.

“Jareth?”

“Mmm?”

“Would I ever be able to be here?  Full-time?  Would the High Court even accept me as your … what?  Consort?  Friend?  Pet?”

“Do not call yourself by such derogatory terms,” he grumbled.  “If we are to be together you would be my queen.  Nothing more nothing less.”

“But would I?  I mean, I’m a human and your High Court doesn’t sound much better than my government at the moment.”

“Quite,” he replied, mouth tightening into a thin line.  “If I were anyone but the King yes, we could have a problem.  But I am so there is not.  I rule my own realm and I am judge and jury for the affairs therein.  Kings and Queens have taken humans as their consorts or co-rulers for many, many generations now.  There are still those who are quite prejudiced toward humans, and the idea of marrying one sends them into fits about purity, but I try not to spend time associating with those types outside of needs must.”

“Okay just checking,” she said, leaning her head back down on his shoulder.  

“Sarah if I am King, then you would be queen,” he repeated.  

“But could we swim like dolphins could swim?”  she said with a grin.  

“I…suppose?  I could talk to the Undersea…” he said, confused.

“No, doofus it’s a David Bowie song,” she said, playfully poking him in the ribs.  “He’s next up on your required listening sheesh.”

“Oh yes I’ve heard a few of his records and I don’t much care for him,” Jareth replied, wrinkling his nose.  “Too much going on for my taste.”

“Oh boy, that sure is a mighty fine black pot you got there in that glass house, sure would be a shame if someone were to throw a stone through it,” she said, with a teasing drawl.  

“Curious then that rather large rock you have in your hand precious,” he said with a smirk.

“All the better to bring that home crashing down,” she shrugged.  “It’s kind of my thing you know.”

“Yes well, ask Hoggle sometime about the rebuilding of the Goblin City post Sarah Williams invasion, I’m sure he’ll have quite the tirade for you about never doing that again.”

“You remembered his name!”  Sarah exclaimed, delighted.  “You never remember his name!”

“Of course I do,” Jareth waved her off.  “I know all my subjects names.”

“Liar,” she hissed, giving him another sharp poke in the ribs.  

“It’s hardly my fault if they don’t remember their own name,” he replied, unconcerned.  “But he seems to have picked it up after spending a bit more time in my presence.”

“Yes, it would appear he has,” she smiled.  “Thank you Jareth.”

“For what?”

“Just for being there.  I know I don’t have a solution for us yet but I’m working on it.  Also please note the use of us in that sentence.  But I know now that I need you in my life just as much, if not more, than any of my other friends.  As aggravating and infuriating as you are, you always make me feel…home and it’s been a long time since I had one of those,”  she said, and she realized as she spoke it how true it was.  Her apartment hadn’t felt right since he’d stopped coming in and messing everything up.  There wasn’t the same amount of glitter wedged between the floorboards, and nobody had left piles of dirty dishes in her sink or stole her highlighter in ages.

“Right, come here,” he said, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her fully into his lap.  “Tell me not to kiss you.”

“Don’t kiss me,” she said quickly, feeling the words leave her mouth.  But then she felt her hands cupping his face.  Letting her thumb lightly graze the hollowness of his cheeks.  It was all of it at once, the seeing of his soft smile, the smell of him, and then him kissing her - in that truly crushing sort of way.  Where the feeling of his lips on hers was nothing compared to the way her heart clenched.  As if it was trying to hold so tightly to that last shred of resistance that it ached.  An ache that spread through her body and settled right in her core.  If her breathing was haggard, it was because so much energy was being devoted to not responding in all the ways her body wanted to respond.  The flush was from trying keep herself from letting her wants eclipse her needs.   Though she also couldn’t withdraw.  Push him away?  She’d never known how, not really.  At least never intentionally.  No, she knew better, she said better.  

But what she did was kiss back.

Their last kiss had been public, new year’s eve in front of the rest of her office.  It barely counted as a kiss.  Sure Jareth never did half a kiss, and even his laziest efforts could still be considered knee weakening.  But there was something about the way he kissed her when he knew that he could take his time.

She knew that it would always be that quick.  Like it was the most natural and easy thing in the world to be here, curled up in the Goblin King’s lap, kissing him like it was nothing.  One moment of weakness and recklessness and that was all it took.  Hoggle had it right.  She hadn’t walked, she hadn’t run, she’d jumped.  She just hoped the fall wouldn’t kill her.

[feysandfeels]

Okay fair enough! I agree that Sarah’s juxtaposition of an abusive vs a healthy relationship is top notch. I was completely mind blown to realize that tamlin wasn’t meant to be the main love interest. And rhysands confession of love, him telling the whole story from his POV when they’re in the cabin just makes me cry every time. I definitely do love a lot of aspects of her writing.

I gotta ask you about one more thing tho: I felt like in the novellas both rhysands and feyres characters got kinda butchered. I think it was completely out of character for them to want a child so soon and to move to a bigger palace. Also rhysands lying about the risk of feyres pregnancy and his treatment of nesta (who did the only right thing imo) was extremely out of character and definitely abusive. I sincerely hope this isn’t swiped under the rug but i think I’ll be disappointed since the characters seem to be ok with all of it. What do you think about the whole thing?

Oh boy ACOFAS is just *high pitched mmmm*. It's just another Christmas Special and unless you are Downton Abbey Christmas Specials are rarely the highlight of the show. Like I love it for the vibes and Mor is terrible at presents and Rhysand just got her a house and Cassian and Feyre got drunk decorating and look at me painting. It was literally for the xmas vibes and the hot chocolate. And well if you have the means to buy a bigger house and you want the bigger house and it suits your needs, why not buy the bigger house you know? Although I deeply loved the town house.

The only thing I really disliked of ACOSF was how Feyre mocked Lucien's friends. Baby that was uncool.

Regarding the pregnancy thing that is the one aspect about Feysand's story that I am still oscillating. On the one hand the whole novella Feyre is talking to this woman who just lost her husband and I think that, paired with her loosing Rhys and the repercussions of the war make her change her stance on motherhood. So that makes sense, the change of mentality from that moment in MAF when she says she does not want kids now to FAS when she says she's open to start trying is completely mapped and coherent with Feyre. Rhys always wanted babies if she was down for it. When you experience so much loss and you get reminded of that trauma, it does not seem out of place to not take anything for granted and start exploring options now rather than wait for a "later" that will never come.

On the other hand I am extrapolating my current situation to this character and that makes me feel is too soon and she is too young. Like I am taking her situation out of her fantasy context it is in, and the very specific social and historical context these stories take place in and then applying it to my own 21st non fantasy one and that makes me say HONEY NO YOU ARE TOO YOUNG.

My indisposition towards Feyre's motherhood comes also from this deep rooted patriarchal view of motherhood that I am still untangling from that conveys motherhood as the moment the life of the woman shifts completely and everything becomes *her kid*. In other words, the woman who was before ceases to exist only to become a mother, her plans, her dreams, her hopes get put on hold for the sake of the child. I am tired of the discourse that one stops being oneself only to become the mother of someone else. While I know that even though becoming a mother those demand a big adjustment in anyone's life I feel people demand more adjustment from the woman than the man. I have talked about this to some of my friends who already have kids and they constantly tell me that despite the big adjustment they still feel they are living their lives and having aspirations that are just their own (and working towards those). My fear of motherhood comes from not knowing how one could effectively balance ones own ambitions and taking care of the baby.

This fear that they use this archaical notion of motherhood when writing Feyre's mothering journey is what makes me nervous of it. I understand that Feyre as the main main character is done, she will become a supporting role in the next stories and I am okay with that, but I do not want that on top of that they are sidelining her further because #SomeoneHasToStayHomeAndTakeCareOfNyx. I don't want the main battle happening against Koshei or the asteri or whoever is the big baddie, and everyone and their mothers are there but Feyre isn't because she had to stay behind for Nyx. This is my fear with this narrative.

Admittedly this is something I did not enjoy in ACOSF, that for the most part, what I got to know of my baby's journey was through Rhys. I was like I love you Rhys but if we could spend some of your page time with Feyre instead that would be amazing. I felt that kind of shifted towards the end of the book so all good.

Now, in regards to the way Rhysand behaved in ACOSF. Do I support it? No. Do I understand it? Yes, I kind of do. I like to explain his behavior as a "his logic was off but his heart was in the right place". Initially, I was quite mad at him, but him keeping this secret seemed more out of desperation, fear, frustration and guilt with the awfulness of it than with him wanting to control Feyre. He reverted to his "I will carry every burden because I do not want to ruin life for anyone else" attitude out of fear, but I think we can all tell that he was mortified and wanted to tell her as soon as he found the solution. He wanted to present her a solution and not a death sentence.

Talking with said friends who are mothers now, some of them were like "no actually I would prefer not knowing and if my partner knows and doesn't tell me because he hasn't found a solution, I prefer it that way" because they wouldn't want to ruin or be in perpetual fear throughout their pregnancy. That helped me see his actions in a more forgiving light.

It made me mad towards him however that he told everyone but Feyre, like even Helion knew... and that was a big no. It's just tactless. The same goes for everyone in the IC. Besties be better and call Rhysand out or go tell her.

I also do not think this will be swiped under the rug. Here I think is the connect the dots thing I mentioned. With sjm not everything happens visible on page but that doesn't mean it is not happening, which to me breathes live into the story. We know how Feyre is we know how she will feel about this... we know she whooped Rhys' ass for doing this and I wouldn't be surprised if he slept on the couch for some nights after. I do not need to see this on page because from the knowledge sjm has given me of her characters I know it happened. I would have loved to see it on page because I love drama. I'm still hopping blondie will release those Feysand chapters she had to cut out of ACOSF. You bet the fight is in those babies.

Nesta telling Feyre was not correct imo because she told her to hurt her because up until that moment she had been perfectly content keeping this secret from her. It was only when she knew she could hurt Feyre as she was hurting that she told her. Personally this nullifies whatever good Nesta's actions might have had. Had she told her before she got mad or as soon as she found out I would have been like "yes Nesta you did excellent my darling".

Finally, regarding Nesta-Rhys, I think Rhys made it perfectly clear on previous books why he wasn't vibing with Nesta so it did not seem out of character the way he treated her in ACOSF. I am glad he is making an effort now. But this goes both ways, Nesta also disliked Rhys and thus the Rhys we were presented in her book was not the Rhys we see from Feyre's perspective who is his mate. Nesta was not going to spend five pages going on how his sass made his eyes deepened with desire and skin glows brighter because of the magnificent intelligent compassionate creature he is. Nesta was going to be like "mmmmm cool leader, not even half as awesome as he thinks he is in person".

The way why these two did not vibe is an interesting one that speaks of their similarities and how they might see certain aspects of themselves that they do not find that amenable in the other one. It could also be a case of they are too similar so they will clash.... like my parents were hahahaha but yeah, I love when the discussion between their relationship dwells into that and not the "well he was mean" and the "well she was a bitch" one. Both had moments where they treated the other poorly, but it should go beyond that when talking about them because when you boil it down they do have many things in common that are presented differently but at their core are the same.

[brittie-frog]

Fear Street Part 3

here we go:

- we love her already joking about marriage and reasons she can't

- this rhyme feels like foreshadowing because he's not blind - why does it exist, how did it come about??

- already got Hannah and Sarah flirting in public and the town drunk being a creep

- we do love Solomon though (for now at least) - and my brain just put together that his past name is Goode as in Nick Goode

- 'drinks blood of virgins' already sounds like such a nice lady

- if you find a book in a witch's hut that just has a list of demon names you don't start reading them aloud - that's stupid at least read in your head and show us the page

- just instantly going parting as if you didn't just get a horrifying prophecy about the devil

- yes Sarah protect your girl, insult the man and fuck in the woods

- I do like the dynamic of Deena being outspoken and not hiding her sexuality but Sarah being the one to push Hannah away and say that it's wrong and they shouldn't

- demons interrupting their time in the woods and the damn dog interrupting her self-care time

- HALF SIX and most of the morning work is done - it's still dark out and why didn't you wake her when you first started chores??

- also the fact that Hannah went out of her way to find Sarah and take her back to her house just to find a prayer passage when she's not meant to see her anymore is... ballsy - especially cause her mum comes home soon after and throws Sarah out the door

- pigs are terrifying if you think about it and also the noises of it eating its children doesn't help

- Poor Merryboy, he was nice dog when he wasn't making terrifying noises at the door

- yay Solomon for being the only non-homophobe in Union - also is the secret the seeing a possible demon or that she's gay and it wasn't a 'dalliance'

- he even left the eyes in a neat pile for ease of cleaning

- the horrifying imagery of the children lined up outside the hall like in the second movie showing correlation between Sarah's life and the people she cursed

- why are they letting the town drunk speak at the meeting like he actually has authority on the situation??

- is he trying to victim blame in a situation that he ran from and didn't see the conclusion of??

- at least all the other kids look guilt and like they don't want this to happen or their terrified of the curse but i hope it's cause they don't want to see their two friends get hung

- it's a stealth mission - clearly visible in in the grass and isn't being silent, throw something and instead of the person being like 'something was through and looking around the area for where it came from, spends 10 minutes looking at the item thrown giving plenty of time to sneak by

- she really said 'fuck all of them I'm gonna make the curse real cause they're a bunch of homophobes'

- the widow is dead time for a new witch to come to town

- of course it's Solomon should have put that together when I realised his last name because of the theory

- yeah you want to sacrifice one person but they get possessed and kill upwards of like 15 people which is a much bigger price to pay

- did he seriously think that Sarah would turn her back on the entire town and the person he cursed killed her brother?!?!

- that's a much more disgusting way of getting your hand cut off and least it explains why it was down there while her body was a car ride away

- wait punishment for witchcraft is hanging but they never did anything to the widow??

- I've just realised I still have another hour to go

- confessing to protect Hannah because no one is going to believe her if she blames Solomon

- I like these guys being nice and giving her a proper burial

- I've also just realised it's the same actor who plays Solomon and Nick, I need to go through the Imdb to find out other crossover actors other than the obvious

- at least the theories are correct that it's the Goode family behind it all and I'm not disappointed by the reveal

- first Deena stole a cop's gun then a cop car, Deena really does say ACAB

- yeah its gonna get a whole lot worse and that is so disgusting

- I already love this plan but did they seriously tell him their going to kill the Sherrif and not why - granted he just jumped in the car so...

- is there really time for a motivational speech right now when there are shut tons of killer after you??

- so glad we get the lyric songs back cause I don't think I could last two hours of a hour film with just 17th century instrumental

- but it's so pretty with the bioluminescent writing and neon signs

- I was waiting for the plan to go to shit and they just go after anyone

- okay that was very fast paced - but how many times is deena gonna cut open her hands and uts a lot of blood so its gonna be deep - they were on different hands so is she just gonna have two scars, one on each now.

- I was gonna ask how they're back in the cave system but the tree is there so the mall was built on top of the camp grounds so theirs obviously an entrance

- time for round 2 - I swear if Josh or any of them die now.. I dont know what I'll do

- well done Sarah finally making the Goode family face their consequences and none of the main 6 died in this film

- why does he have so many goats?? And is no one going to question why two girls covered in dirt and blood are walking out of Nick Goode's house??

- I just had to pause and cackle so glad it turned into a comedy at the end as that truck hit and then the music started with 'baby...'

- Martin in a school parking lot selling things to minors - has no teacher come out to check what he's doing cause I think even in 1990's that would seem a little weird

- Everyone getting their happy ending - Josh meets another cute girl, Sam and Deena have a date at Sarah Fier's grave - you know the usual

- of course ends on a bad note of the book being stolen but that was funny cause no one picks up an ancient time like your stealing a book from a friend that their reading, that quickly

And that's the end and I loved it and I want to spent this weekend reqatching all of them now.

[supergirlfansworld]

Supergirl star Chyler Leigh steps behind the camera to direct Tuesday's episode of The CW superhero drama -- and it's not your typical hour of high-flying action. The conclusion of a two-part flashback arc set in 2009 Midvale, which turns back the dial to further explore the dynamics between Kara Danvers (Izabela Vidovic) and her sister, Alex (Olivia Nikkanen), in their younger years, picks up right where things left off. As young Kara experiences kryptonite for the first time, a young Cat Grant or "CJ" here (guest star Eliza Helm), may be the reason Supergirl never gets out of the Phantom Zone.

Directing a different kind of episode for Supergirl in its final season wasn't something Leigh had planned necessarily. "It didn't really strike me until I got on Supergirl that I didn't think that I would ever not do something else in the industry," the 39-year-old actress tells ET. "But watching the whole process and being part of it from the start of the show, just picking up on things and story, having a love for storytelling in general, I feel like I was already always directing."

Ahead of the latest episode, Leigh discusses making her directorial debut, the final season of Supergirl and why it was "special" to finally get closure on Grey's Anatomy in her surprise return.

ET: This week's Supergirl marks your directorial debut. Had you been working up to this moment in your career?

Chyler Leigh: It didn't really strike me until I got on Supergirl that I didn't think that I would ever not do something else in the industry. But watching the whole process and being part of it from the start of the show, just picking up on things and story, having a love for storytelling in general, I feel like I was already always directing. You just learn so much, I think, from really being able to take ownership of the character, but really having to step into a realm that I never imagined I would ever be a part of something like superheroes. I had been talking to the producers, to Greg [Berlanti] and Sarah Schechter, and then Robert [Rovner] and Jessica Queller for a few seasons now, where I was saying, "Hey, this is a great opportunity. I would really love to take a stab at it if I can." And they were like, "Oh my god, absolutely." When they told me that I was going to be able to direct this season, and then Robert and Jessica told me that it was going to be a Midvale episode two-parter, I was just like, "OK, this is awesome."

Are you content with where Alex's story ends?

It's bittersweet. There's obvious reasons for the show to be the final season. But at the same time, I still feel like Alex has so many more stories to tell, but I think that by the end of it, it'll be a pretty good wrap-up without that sense of, "Now this is their life." It's going to be a "to be continued" kind of thing. It's understanding that, OK, they've reached a certain point in their life where it's almost like the audience can hopefully give them permission to imagine them having some time to be happy and it not be dire straits all the time. There's always going to be bad guys. But my hope is to be able to see more of those moments, where they can find a bit of joy amidst the chaos, which they do. But obviously, it would be cool to have more of that. And we have so many of our actors, so many of us, that are finally now really in all these scenes together, which has been so much fun. It's just been great to mix things up here and there, and [explore] different dynamics between everybody. So I feel like it's rounding out really well. The story that we're telling is that you don't have to be a superhero to be super powerful. It's basically giving the people in National City or the people in the world encouragement that they can also be their own heroes. They can also tell their own stories and trying to empower people. That's the goal. And I think we're doing a pretty damn good job of that.

(xx)

[maybankiara]

TELL ME, IS IT WORTH IT?

pairing: JJ Maybank x Pope Heyward

summary: Pope proposes, JJ panics, and now he’s trying to explain why he said no (and why he shouldn’t have done it.)

w/c: 3.7k

a/n: angst with a happy ending, ignore all the typos bc this is entirely unedited (i might edit in the future)

masterlist | tag list

read on archive of our own

It’s really unfair that when someone’s life falls apart, the world itself doesn’t. JJ thinks it should. It should be raining knives, hailing bullets, volcanoes should be exploding and the ground shaking shouldn’t be just his personal experience of reality. 

But it’s not even a moderately hot day. It’s breezy, it’s perfect, and it’s one of the nicest days of the fucking whole year. 

JJ hates it. 

The Chateau has only got John B and Kiara under its roof when he barges in, teeth gripping on the cap of a beer bottle. ‘Don’t ask,’ he states, then drops in the empty space between the two on the couch. His legs find their home on the coffee table and he nearly downs the bottle. Burps. Sighs, dramatically. 

He knows they’re exchanging glances, but he chooses to ignore it. 

Kie’s consoling hand lands on his shoulder. ‘What ha—’

‘Pope asked me to marry him,’ he says, ‘and I said no. And I also said I think it’s never going to happen.’

John B should’ve made a dumb comment. Kie should’ve made a sarcastic remark. But they didn’t, and they won’t, because JJ feels the gravity of the situation weighting down his lungs. (It feels like being torn up inside out, like his heart is chewing on itself out of anger, or sadness, or betrayal. It feels like the moment when your heart skips a beat and you think this is it, this is how I die, except you don’t; except you’re stuck in that moment forever.)

JJ burps. It chips at the silence, but it doesn’t break it. Kie’s hand on his shoulder is frozen and the distance between him and John B seems like an ocean. 

‘Yeah,’ says JJ. ‘I don’t think that was what he expected.’

A sigh comes from Kie, but he doesn’t look. ‘When was this?’

‘About twenty minutes ago. I drove straight here.’

‘Drunk?’ asks John B. 

‘Does it matter? I’m here now. Safe and sound.’ He lets out a dry chuckle before he can stop himself, and shakes his head. ‘Physically, anyway.’

‘You’re not drunk,’ says Kie. It sounds a little like a scoff, so JJ looks at her, but he can’t figure out what her face is saying. Tight lips scream anger, but her eyes are soft as ever, maybe a little concerned. She glances between him and John B with one of her eyebrows slightly raised. ‘He’s a heartbroken idiot, but not drunk.’

‘Ah. Understandable. Should I—’

‘You know what being a heartbroken idiot means.’ Kie pushes herself off the couch and when JJ glances at his other friend, John B’s just as confused as he is. ‘I know a thing or two about getting your heart broken for a dumb reason. You two sort that out, and I’ll make sure Pope’s okay. Let me know when you’ve knocked some sense into him.’

Before either of the boys manage to comprehend her words, she’s out the door. The Kie-shaped void on JJ’s left side feels a little odd, so he pushes himself into that side of the couch. The beer is bitter at the back of his throat; he wishes some music would be playing. 

John B calls his name, so JJ looks at him. He’s giving him the puppy eyes, trying to get him to talk, and it’s because neither of them really know how to start. (Their affection is physical, not verbal. Kie’s the one who’s good at that. Pope is—)

‘Did you panic?’ asks John B. 

JJ shakes his head. ‘Don’t think so. Not until after I’ve said it, anyway.’

‘So what happened?’

There’s a pause, JJ feels his brow furrow, and then: ‘I don’t know.’

‘…you don’t know?’

‘No.’

‘So you panicked.’

‘No, I didn’t, it’s—’ With a sigh, JJ accepts the momentary defeat. He glances over and sees John B’s signature stare full of indecipherable intent, but nothing less than pure kindness. They’ve had their bumps, but they always came out on top. It’s the pogue way. Even if John B wears that stupid bandanna around his neck well into his married life of his late twenties. ‘I knew the answer was no.’

It’s John B’s turn to frown. ‘You’ve thought about it?’

‘No, I just knew. Like you know the ocean is salty.’

‘You know that because you’ve tasted it before,’ counters John B. ‘I doubt you’ve been proposed to before.’

‘I could’ve been!’ 

All John B offers is a long stare yet that is enough. He’s older by only a few months, but he’s also married and didn’t say no to the proposal (granted, it was him proposing to Sarah, but still) and kind of has got his life together. He’s still JJ’s dumb older brother, but he knows something JJ doesn’t. 

‘How did you know you wanted to marry Sarah?’ 

‘Are you reconsidering your answer?’

‘No, I just—’ JJ sighs again and tries to wish another bottle into appearing in his hand. Doesn’t work. Probably for the better. He just leans his head back on the couch and stares at the ceiling, connecting the dots in his mind. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing. I just want you to tell me how you knew.’

He hears shuffling, and then feels John B’s feet in his lap. (He’s not going to comment on the boat shoes. There’s been enough deflecting. He’s got to listen, because Pope is threatening to burst into the forefront of his mind any second now.)

John B gives out the deep, heavy sigh that only comes with a slight aah whenever he’s about to tell a story. ‘When we were young, she made everything come alive. Everything looked brighter and clearer, and it was like I could finally breathe with the entirety of my lungs.’

JJ closes his eyes, trying not to gag. ‘Bro. I’m not listening to that.’

‘But that’s how I knew!’ He could just hear the grouch in his friend’s voice and now he’s threading the fine line between laughing and gagging. ‘Seriously, JJ, you asked. I don’t— I don’t know what to say. I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough.’

‘I am.’

‘No, you’re not. You’re deflecting.’

‘Big word.’

‘See?’ John B scrunches his nose, shaking his head. His thumb and index finger grip the bridge of his nose. ‘I know you’re confused. And scared. I know you panicked when Pope asked, but I don’t think you understand how horrible is the thing you’ve done.’

‘It’s not like I broke his heart,’ scoffs JJ, but the words are flat and his heart skips another beat. He doesn’t need to look at John B to knows he’s got his head in his hands. ‘C’mon, it’s Pope. He’s tougher than he looks.’

‘Yes, but he proposed, JJ. He asked to spend the rest of his life with you and you said no!’

‘I didn’t say no to that!’ JJ flings himself off the couch and now he’s pacing around the living room of the Chateau, marching circles around the coffee table. His forehead is pulsating; he’s probably having a heart attack. That’d explain a lot. ‘I said no to getting married.’

‘That’s the same thing.’

‘It isn’t.’

‘It is.’

‘It really isn’t, John B,’ he spits out. Christ, he’s getting hot. Is that his blood boiling? ‘Marriage is… It’s taxes. It’s prenups. It’s joint bank accounts, it’s added tension, it’s fucked up. Half of the marriages don’t even last.’

(Pope’s always talked about getting married. When gay marriage was legalised, before they were together, before they were out of the closet, even then he was openly delighted about it. He’s been talking about the two of them getting married for a while now, or at least hinting at it. 

He should’ve expected it. It didn’t come out of the blue. He saw the signs, just ignored them, because… because…)

‘If you’re scared marriage is going to ruin your relationship, JJ, I’ll have you know you’ve already done that yourself.’ 

This is about the point where everything just… It comes crashing down. The world does end the way JJ wanted it to. 

He feels himself growing very, very still, like when he was younger and his father raised a hand. He feels his breath halting in his throat and ears tuning out all sound, repeating John B’s words over and over until the echo became the echo of itself. He could feel the ground opening beneath him despite not moving an inch. 

When gravity drags you down to earth, your rose-tinted glasses shatter like porcelain. 

He sees Pope’s face of shock, then laughter, then embarrassment and betrayal at once, once he’s realised JJ isn’t joking. He sees him get up from his knees, hands shaking as JJ fumbles over his words, unable to find an explanation or an excuse. He feels cold sweat breaking out on his forehead, blood turning to ice in his hands. He sees his mum leaving, his dad’s hand raised; he sees people arguing and JJ wants to cover his ears. He sees himself, alone, alone, alone. 

And he sees Pope turning his back to him. Quietly. He doesn’t even argue back. Just takes the no and i’m sorry, i can’t do this, it’s never going to happen, not like this and doesn’t say a word. Just walks away. 

It’d be easier if he screamed at JJ. At least he’d know how to deal with that. 

Pope’s heartbreak is the quiet kind, the one that doesn’t ask for attention, just the opposite. Usually JJ’s there to hold his hand, to sit by his side until Pope’s ready to talk about it, or be somewhere around, far enough so that Pope deals with things himself, but close enough so that he’s there if he’s needed. He’s never been the reason for the quiet. 

Fire replaces the ice. JJ feels like the sun itself is tearing him open. 

‘Shit,’ he says. ‘Fuck.’ Then raises his eyes until he meets John B’s, blurry and barely visible. ‘I fucked up.’

He doesn’t realise he’s shaking until his knees buckle under his weight and he stumbles to find his footing. John B shoots from the couch and pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him so tight JJ couldn’t have escaped if he wanted to. He didn’t. He wanted to be held, even if by a friend. 

He doesn’t sob because the sob gets caught in his throat, too, but he lets out a cough that says all the same. ‘It would’ve been easier if you yelled at me.’

‘I know.’ John B pats his back, letting JJ rest his weight unto him. ‘Pope will understand. That’s why Kie went to talk to him. As long as you realise you’re hurting everyone by being an idiot, you can make it better.’

‘I thought—’ He stops, because his words get fumbled again, and now he’s pressing his eyes into his friend’s shoulder like he’s all he’s got. ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone again.’

‘You’re not going to, okay? Just… Marriage is not all taxes, and you gotta understand that. It’s about knowing that if they get hurt, you’ll be allowed to see them. That you can get a house together, that you can look after each other if something goes wrong. That what you have is there to stay. Think of it as a promise.’

JJ snorts, but he doesn’t let go. ‘I don’t do well with people promising things to me.’

‘Then promise it to yourself,’ counters John B. The way he puts it makes it sound it’s as easy as breathing – JJ wishes he could feel the same. ‘Promise to stay with him. Promise to be around if something bad happens, but if something good happens, too. That’s what marriage is.’

‘I already promised that,’ he says. ‘His future and mine are the same.’

‘Then what’s the problem? Marriage is just making it legal. Making it formal. When what you have is honest and true, it doesn’t change anything. It just makes things better.’

JJ pulls out, feeling confident he can stand on his own two feet. He still feels a little lightheaded, but the thought of Pope possibly thinking that spending the rest of their lives together is the last thing JJ would want… That is the last thing JJ would want. Pope hurting because of him. 

JJ can’t afford to be scared anymore; living a life half-way ready to run is not living. 

He checks his phone; it must’ve chimed at some point because there’s texts from Kie, telling him where she is with Pope. His heart skips another beat, and at this point he thinks he could have enough heartbeats for a whole new person just from the ones he missed. 

He’s not dying today. He’s not dying before he gets to live the future he’s almost ripped out of his own hands. 

When he looks up at John B, he feels the hint of a weary smile on his lips. ‘I think I’ve got a promise to make.’

—

It shouldn’t be a surprise JJ finds them at the Boneyard, yet it’s still quite odd to see the scenario he’s seen a million times – Kie sitting next to the sea with her feet dipped into water as her fingers splash at the waves just about reaching her, and Pope… Pope sitting on the half-dunked log that’s been here forever, with his feet bare but not quite touching the water. His head is hung low and JJ can see the strain in his shoulders even from halfway across the beach; the cap is sitting on his lap, unused, despite the sun high above their heads. 

The sight tugs at his heart and he falters in his step, but John B’s firm hand on his back encourages him forward. JJ gives a slight nod; he’s not giving up on the courage. 

It’s Pope who notices them first and he stiffens even more; JJ sees Kie pat his knee before turning around and waving at them, then saying something to Pope. JJ wishes the wind would carry her words to him – is it encouragement or telling Pope he’s better off without someone who panics and refuses the one thing they’ve always longed for?

‘Don’t.’ John B pats him on the back. ‘I see you doing your dumb thought thing.’

JJ opens his mouth to say something, but whatever it was that he meant to say, it’s gone forever. All he can do is try and keep his shoulders from slumping and hands from forming fists; he can’t allow himself to be angry at the world, or himself. 

The sand creaks underneath his feet. He hates it in this moment, because it makes him aware of every step he’s got to take to get to Pope, and the steps drag into eternity. 

Pope locks their eyes. JJ tries figuring him out, but he’s too far, and Pope’s too guarded. 

(Not against me, Pope. Please. Not against me.)

When they get there, JJ feels like fainting, but he sets his foot firmly on the ground. He’s not escaping. 

‘Hey,’ greets Kie, and John B returns the greeting. The feuded lovers stay silent, just taking each other in. 

(JJ always wished he could paint. The lines of Pope’s face are shaped as if they were meant to withstand centuries instead of being washed away with age. He wishes he could offer to Pope more than just… himself.

He’s talked about this with Pope before, though. Feeling inferior to his boyfriend was always going to be JJ’s Achilles’ heel, yet he didn’t think it would come to this. He made another promise, ages ago – to try to see himself the way Pope sees him. The way other people see him. 

To believe in himself the way he believes in other people, for once.)

The silence is heavy, but JJ forces himself to not see it that way. Instead, he looks over to Kie, to John B, and says: ‘Can you guys give us a second?’

There’s nods and then they’re off, with nothing between the couple aside from waves crashing into the shore. Pope’s head is hung and shoulders slumped, and he’s sitting on this log with one foot pulled up and resting on it, the other hanging in the water now. JJ’s fingers ache to reach across for his, but he tells himself it’s not the time. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘Marriage scares me. I don’t know one that worked out, aside from John B and Sarah. I was raised to be on my own. Marriage means not being alone and that scared me, until I realised that… I haven’t been alone for a while now. The pogues, you… Nobody’s going anywhere. And if marriage is just a way to promise to you that I’m not going anywhere, either, and if it means so much to you, then I say let’s do it. I got scared, but never for a second did a life without you cross my mind. It’s — That’s my nightmare, Pope. Your future and mine are the same. Where you go, I follow. That’s the way things are.’

For a long time, it was JJ trying to come to terms with loving Pope – then it was Pope coming to terms with loving JJ. They’ve always loved each other, in a way, without quite saying it. It has never been the kind of love that is shouted from the rooftops – it’s the helping hand, the whispers of i got this, or you’re not alone in this, or i wish you could see yourself the way i see you. It’s the kind of love that’s etched into the air around them, existing as a part of themselves rather than something external. They’ve grown into it, shaped their lives around it.

It’s always been the beach for them. Their first kiss when they were seventeen, their first fight, their first promise to stick together through thick and thin. Every time something happened, something that mattered, etched itself into the back of JJ’s mind like the sound of his mother’s voice, it was always accompanied by the sound of waves on the shore; by the wind howling over the bay. It was always people chatting in the distance, or some music playing from a half-working speaker. It was always them, in the midst of other people’s lives. 

Pope proposed in their flat. 

When JJ drops to his knees, he doesn’t do his dumb thought thing. He doesn’t even think about it – for once, his gut isn’t telling him to run, but stay. ‘Pope Heyward.’

‘JJ—’

‘Can you let me do this?’ asks JJ. He laughs a little, shakes his head, and tries not to think about how ridiculous this looks. ‘I know I already had a monologue, but I don’t think I got my point across.’

Pope shakes his head, too; he isn’t smiling, but his eyes aren’t as strained anymore. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to—’

‘I want to. I want this, okay? I want you to hear it.’

He can see Pope’s Adam’s apple bob, and he can see his shoulders slump in a relaxed way. The lines around his eyes soften and his lips nearly turn upwards, just a little bit. A little twitch is enough to shoot electricity to JJ’s heart. 

‘Pope, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life saying it to you. You’re my best friend, my boyfriend, and my fiancee, if you’ll have me after the shit I pulled today. Husband, then. Father of your children, because I know it’s what you’ve always wanted, and I want it, too. Whatever you’ll be, I’ll be by your side. It’s all I want. No matter what our status is, we’re always Pope and JJ. We’re always just us. And I really haven’t thought out what I’d say next because—’

Pope’s lips crash into JJ’s, his hands grasping at JJ’s face, and world pulls itself together again. When they part their foreheads lean against one another, and he can feel Pope’s breath on his lips, and he feels his hands burning on the small of Pope’s back, and he can breathe and breathe and breathe like his lungs have never worked properly before. 

(He understands John B now. Not like he’d ever admit it to him.)

He lets out a chuckle, and then he’s kissing Pope again – a small, chaste kiss, just to feel the softness of the touch. His fingers grip the back of Pope’s flannel and he’s laughing into the kiss. 

‘You’re an idiot,’ says Pope. ‘I should break up with you.’

‘Can’t. I’m too irresistible.’

‘Shut up. You’re cheesy. That entire speech would put John B to shame.’ 

JJ shakes his head again and then his thumb is tracing the line of Pope’s jaw, eyes transfixed by his lips. He almost lost this. He almost gave up everything out of fear after promising to never doing it again. (He’s making a vow, this time. It holds more weight.) ‘You loved that speech.’

Pope rolls his eyes, in the way that tells JJ he’s right. ‘Kie told me you were freaking out at the Chateau.’

‘I was,’ admits JJ. What’s the point of holding back the truth? ‘I was freaked out of my mind. I thought I’d ruined everything.’

‘You forget how well I know you, JJ. I was hurt, but I knew you would come back. Old you would run, but Kie came and said you’re at the Chateau, and you wouldn’t have gone there if you meant to run.’

‘I couldn’t ever run from you.’

‘You better.’

JJ rolls his eyes at the teasing tone in Pope’s voice, then pulls him in for a hug. It’s not long until Pope buries his face in JJ’s shoulder, and JJ kisses the side of his head. ‘I do want to marry you, if you’ll have me.’

There’s a pause and JJ feels Pope chuckle against his neck, shivering a little. ‘What is it that you said? My future and yours are the same? That better be in your vows, John B.’

‘Shut up.’ JJ feels himself burning, neck up this time, and tries to laugh it off. ‘I get to be cheesy once.’

‘Just save it for the wedding. I’d like to hear it again.’

JJ angles his body so there’s some space between them; he doesn’t hesitate before planting another kiss on Pope’s lips, reveling in the ease of movement. This is what coming home feels like, and if this is what future has in store for him, who is he to complain?

[ninzied]

i’ve been really feeling the energy surrounding the discourse on race re: the falcon and the winter soldier, and i think it is so crucial that the mcu has created space for this conversation. in that vein, and because i have genuinely enjoyed the show for many reasons that i wish not to detract from, i would like to expand on this space by discussing ways in which the show could have engaged more thoughtfully with its themes of racialized trauma.

for your consideration, a list of the show’s side characters who identity as bipoc, and how their arcs in fact work to reify certain stereotypic portrayals of race in tv/film/etc:

isaiah bradley: the military-sanctioned super soldier program that experimented on bradley for 30 years in jail is a clear allusion to the tuskegee study in the mid-1900s, which subjected black bodies with syphilis to decades of unethical experimentation, including the withholding of life-saving treatment, in order to study the natural progression of the disease. i actually think his conversations with sam were so important to have. it’s the first explicit mention of race that problematizes the shield as a symbol. sam comes to acknowledge that it also stands for a country that has built itself on the backs of black (and immigrant) bodies - and that is where they mean for these bodies to stay, through exploitation of labor, medicalized violence (tuskegee being only one example of many), police brutality, the segregation of schools, discriminatory housing and criminal justice systems, and so on. my issue is that these systems of oppression are so deeply rooted that to skim the bare surface - to present this one singular narrative - is reductive of a longstanding history that does not live externally to the mcu and is frankly not going to cut it. waiting until episode 5 to have this conversation was also a disservice to sam. maybe his own generational trauma was too internalized for him to have the language to express it. but if the show had addressed this better and sooner, it would come off less as sam trying to move through the world thinking he’s just like any other guy who also happens to be a superhero. when he goes to the bank with sarah, flaps his ‘wings’ and still doesn’t qualify for a loan; or when he chides a kid for referring to him as ‘black falcon’ rather than, simply ‘falcon’ - these moments reinforce the idea that the lived experience of his blackness is not fully realized until bradley forces this articulation upon him. it is as though sam could not already be aware of their collective racialized trauma without the ‘revelation’ of bradley’s personal trauma writ large that he endured as a super soldier. which is just weird and inconsistent given what sam has been through, including his own troubled relationship with the military. for sam to take up the shield is not a ‘solution’ to racism, any more than the shield is a symbol of heroism, when its legacy stems from a country of deeply imperialist and colonialist roots.

lemar hoskins: relegated to the black best friend stereotype aka sidekick to the main white character. his two most memorable scenes function mostly in service of john walker’s story - firstly in walker’s decision to take the serum, and secondly as the catalyst to walker’s grief, rage and vengeance that will utterly transform him. this development of walker’s character can only occur through the literal death of another black body.

literally every east asian character, but specifically leah, yori and yori’s son rj: these characters are the least fleshed out on their own, as they all exist solely to lend more depth to bucky’s trauma. i say this because though yori is grieving, his grief is all secondary to bucky’s guilt over being the cause of that grief. leah, who plays a love interest for her five seconds of screen time, becomes yet another of countless examples of the fetishization of asian female bodies. (all of this is particularly tone-deaf in the wake of rising anti-asian hate crimes, and the mass killing of asian female spa workers by a man who wished to eliminate ‘temptation’ for his sexual addiction.) also, it would be nice to see a show finally lean away from the asian food establishment setting for its asian characters. that is not the only place they eat and work and also go on dates after they work????

olivia walker: a great example of tokenism that checks multiple boxes (‘look how diverse our cast is - and we have an interracial couple!’) even though she speaks 0-2 lines throughout the whole show.

karli morgenthau and co: the actress who portrays karli is half-jamaican, and it is not hard to notice that the overwhelming majority of the radicalized flag-smashers group are bipoc as well. at surface level it might make sense for the show writers to choose this kind of representation - the ‘displaced’ are all members of marginalized communities, and racial diversity (i.e., diversity from the norm, i.e., not-white) is the easiest way to depict these communities. but for this reason, it also seems that the show could not be more careless with the parallels it has drawn to our current climate. during a global pandemic, which has disproportionately affected those already most disenfranchised; increased our obsession with border control; and galvanized movements against racialized violence, perhaps the last thing we need right now is a narrative that vilifies a marginalized group of people trying to combat structural oppression (operationalized in this case by the grc, which has a clear militaristic and political pedigree*). perhaps the last thing we need right now is a narrative in which marginalized people gain the power to enact change (i.e., serum), but only know how to use that power to cause more harm.

*please note: the senator who grants walker his other than honorable discharge is one and the same as the talking head of the grc. who gave this guy all the power, and what good is he using it for? this may be a hot take but the government + military washing their hands of walker and taking zero responsibility for their role in his making is not great for ‘optics’ either. but the show, for all its moralizing, doesn’t seem to be aware of the dissonance here?

[asleepinawell]

Book Recs

I was gonna do one of these at the end of the year, but I’ve somehow managed to read 26 books this year already (12 novellas, 14 novels), almost all featuring queer authors and/or characters so this is already a long list.

Note: There’s a few on here I was kind of meh about, but in most of those cases it was a ‘book might be good but it’s not for me so i’ll mention it to put it on people’s radar anyway’ type of thing. Insert the usual necessary tumblr disclaimer about all of this being only my opinion and your opinions are valid too etc etc.

In order of when I read them:

Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower by Tamsyn Muir - Fantasy novella from the author of gideon the ninth that’s a twist on the classic princess trapped in a tower waiting for a prince story. Quite fun. (novella)

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht - Dark fantasy about revenge and magic. m/m couple but like I said it’s pretty dark and twisted all around so definitely not a happy queer romantic story. My opinion was interesting premise that could have been executed better and probably should have been a full novel to embellish on the world building potential. (novella)

A Memory Called Empire & A Desolation Called Peace - Arkady Martine - Probably tied with murderbot as the best things I read this year. Scifi, f/f couple, wonderfully done exploration of what it means to fall in love with a culture that is destroying your own. More of the many queer anti-imperialist books that have come out recently and certainly some of the best. The second one is a direct continuation of the first. (2 novels)

The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson - This is the third in the Baru Cormorant series (The Masquerade) and was my favorite so far. The second and third book were originally one book that got split I believe and the second book didn’t stand alone as well (though was still great), but the third book really made up for that. Dark fantasy world starring a queer woc whose country and culture is destroyed by the imperial forces of that world colonizing and assimilating them. She vows revenge and decides to work her way up within her enemy’s ranks to enact it from within and bring an empire to ruins. Really really fascinating study of so many different aspects of our own world and the systems which enable and allow bigotry and how bigoted and violent narratives are used to control minorities. This is definitely a darker series and I was particularly impressed with some of the commentary on the racism prevalent in non-intersectional feminism as depicted through a fantasy world. Can’t wait for the last one to come out! (3 novels, 1 forthcoming)

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells - There’s six of them--5 novella and a novel--and the first is All Systems Red. Told from the point of view of a self-aware droid/android that is rented out by a corporation to provide protection in a dystopian capitalist hellhole future that isn’t that unlike our current capitalist dystopia but is in space. Muderbot hacked the chip that controlled it and instead of going rogue just wants to be left alone to watch its favorite tv shows. Murderbot is painfully relatable and the books are both funny and poignant. Highly recommended. (5 novellas and a novel).

Winter’s Orbit - Everina Maxwell - This was a m/m romance novel with a scifi backdrop of royal intrigue. Generally I’m more into scifi with a queer relationship in the background than vice versa, so it wasn’t my favorite, BUT I think it was still well written and someone looking for more of the romance angle would enjoy it. Has all your favorite romance tropes in it, especially the yearning. (novel)

The Divine Cities - Robert Jackson Bennett - Three book series. I’m very conflicted about this one. Set in a fantasy world where an enslaved nation overthrew the country enslaving them and now rules over them. It’s a story of what happens after the triumphant victory and within that it’s also a murder mystery tied into the dying magic of the conquered nation. It also has a six foot something naked oily viking man fist fight a cthulhu in a frozen river. The second book was by far my favorite, mostly due to the main character being brilliant. My conflict comes from the fact I don’t feel like the story treated its women and queer characters well. Like it had really great characters but it didn’t do great by them overall. That and the third book didn’t live up to the first two. But still definitely worth a read, can’t stress enough how cool some of the world building was. (3 novels)

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant - This might be the only one on here I disliked. It’s got a doomed boat voyage and creepy underwater terror and monsters and a super diverse cast of characters, but I just didn’t enjoy the writing style. While having a diverse cast is great, there were a lot of moments where it felt like characters were pausing to explain things about themselves that felt like a tumblr post rather than a normal conversation you might have while actively being hunted by monsters. I also bounced off all the characters. But a lot of people seem to have liked it so if you’re into horror and want a book with a f/f main couple then maybe you’ll enjoy it. (novel)

Dead Djinn Universe - P. Djèlí Clark - Around the early 1900′s, a man in Egypt discovers a way to access another world and bring Djinn and mysterious clockwork beings called Angels through. As a result, Egypt tells the British to get fucked and Cairo becomes one of the most powerful cities in the world. So Egypt, magic, djinn, a steampunk-ish vibe, oh and the main character is a butch queer woman who enjoys wearing dapper suits and looking fabulous while she investigates supernatural events. Her girlfriend is also mysterious and badass. And she has a cat. There’s three novella (one of which technically might be considered a short story) and then the first novel. You should absolutely read the novellas first (A Dead Djinn in Cairo, The Angel of Khan el-Khalili, The Haunting of Tram Car 015). Super fun and imaginative series. (3 novellas and a novel, more forthcoming)

River of Teeth & Taste of Marrow - Sarah Gailey - From the book description

“In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true. Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two. This was a terrible plan.”

Queer hippo riders!!!! Very much a western but with hippos. Main couple included a non-binary character. Loved the first one. The second one I was more meh about due to one of the characters I was supposed to like having obnoxious man pain that a woman had to take the brunt of the whole time. Also there were less hippos. But queer hippo riders! Definitely read the first one, and they’re both novellas so no reason not to read the second as well. (2 novellas)

A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers - I may be the only person who hasn’t read the long way to a small angry planet at this point, but I did grab her new novella and I loved it. It made me want to go sit out in the woods and feel peaceful. The world it’s set in feels like a peaceful post-apocalypse...or diverted apocalypse maybe. Humans built robots and robots gained sentience, but instead of rebelling they just up and left and went into the wilderness with a promise that the humans wouldn’t follow them.The remaining human society reshaped itself into something new and peaceful. It’s the story of a monk who leaves their habitual monking duties to go be a tea monk and then later wanders into the wilderness and becomes the first human in ages to meet a robot. Very sad there’s no fan art yet. (novella, more forthcoming)

The March North - Graydon Saunders - This was such a weird book that I’m not sure how to explain it. The prose style is hard to get used to and I suspect a lot of people will bounce off it in the first chapter. There’s no third person pronouns used at all and important events get mentioned once in passing and if you blink you’ll miss them. Set on a world where magic is extremely common to the point that rivers sometimes run with blood or fire and the local weeds are something out of a horror movie and most of the world is run by powerful sorcerer dictators, one country banded together (with the help of a few powerful sorcerers who were tired of all the bullshit) to form a free country where powerful sorcerers wouldn’t rule and the small magics of every day folks could be combined to work together. The story revolves around a Captain of the military force on the border who one day has three very powerful sorcerers sent to them by the main government with the hint that just maybe there’s about to be a big invasion (there is) with the implication of take these guys and go deal with this. The world building is extremely complex and very cool...when you can actually understand what the fuck is going on. There is also a murder sheep named Eustace who breathes fire and eats just about everything and is a Very Good Boy and belongs to the most terrifying sorcerer in the world who appears as a little old grandma with knitting. It had one of the most epic badass and wonderfully grotesque battles I’ve ever read. But yeah, it is not what I would call easy reading. Opinions may vary wildly. I did also read the second one (A Succession of Bad Days) in the series which was easier to follow and had a lot more details about the world, but overall I was more meh about it despite some cool aspects. The chapters and chapters of the extreme details of building a house that made up half the novel just weren’t my thing. (novels).

The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson - In this world parallels universes exist and we’ve discovered how to travel between them, but the catch is you can only go to worlds where the ‘you’ there is already dead. This turns into an uncomfortable look at who would be the people most likely to have died on many worlds and how things like class and race would fit into that and what we would actually use this ability for (if you guessed stealing resources and the stock market you’d be correct). The main character is a queer woc who travels between worlds with the assistance of her handler (another queer woc) who she has the hots for. She accidentally stumbles on a whole lot of mess and conspiracy and gets swept up in that. Really enjoyed it. (novel)

Witchmark - C.L. Polk - Fantasy world reminiscent of Victorian England (I think?) where a young man with magical gifts runs away from his powerful family to avoid being exploited by them. He joins the army and fights in a war and comes home to try and live a quiet life as a doctor, but a murder pulls him into a larger mystery that upturns his life. Also he’s extremely gay and there’s a prevalent m/m romance. This one was a fun-but-not-mind-blowing one for me. (novel, 2 more in the series I haven’t read)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon - This was one of those that everyone loved but I couldn’t get into for some reason. I tried twice and only got about halfway through the second time. It’s got dragons and queer ladies and fantasy world and all the things I like, but I wasn’t that invested in the main story (which included the f/f couple) and was more interested in the smaller story about a woman trying to become a dragon rider. There are few things that beat out a lady and her dragon friend story for me and that was the storyline that felt neglected and took a different turn right when we got to the part I’d been waiting for. But, I know a lot of people whose reading opinions I respect who loved it, and if you like epic fantasy with dragons and queens and treachery and pirates and queer characters then I’d say you should definitely give it a try. (novel)

Bonus: I didn’t read these series this year, but if you haven’t read them yet, you should.

Imperial Radch (Ancillary Justice) - Ann Leckie - Spaceship AI stuck in a human body out for revenge for their former captain, but that summary does not come close to doing it justice. Another one examining imperialism and also gender and race.(3 novels)

Kushiel's Legacy Series - Jacqueline Carey - This is two series, six books total, and starts with Kushiel's Dart. Alternate universe Renaissance-y Europe in a fantastical world where sex isn't shameful and sex workers are respected and prized. Lots of political intrigue and mystery. A lot of BDSM and kinky stuff too (the main character is a sexual masochist, oh and also bi!). I first read this series when I was fifteen or sixteen and it definitely made a big impression on me. Same author also wrote the Santa Olivia series which I’d also recommend. (6 novels)

The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir - I mean, if you follow me, you know. If you don’t follow me you still probably know. I’d have felt remiss to have left them off though. Lesbian Necormancers in Space. Memes! Skeletons! Biceps! Go read them. (2 novels, 2 forthcoming, 1 short story)

Books On My To Read List:

Fireheart Tiger - Aliette de Bodard

The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water - Zen Cho

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

This Is How You Lose the TIme War - Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee

Also, if anyone has any recs for scifi/fantasy books starring queer men (not necessarily having to do with a queer relationship) and written by queer men I’d love them. There’s a lot written by women, and some of them are great, but I’d love to read a story about queer men from their own perspective.

[bellamygateoldblog]

on having everything and nothing in outer banks

the way kie can care so strongly about the environment to the point she says people who still use plastic deserve to be shot the way kie can say she wants to go to antarctica and ride camels and surf trip her whole life the way kie can take what she has for granted and say she "never cared about any of [the wealth, education and opportunities because of her parents' sacrifices and hard work for her]" because she's never been without it, because of her privilege and her wealth and her upbringing because of her not needing to ever consider any alternative or any other means of survival versus pope who needs college for a better life and has the intelligence and work ethic like his father but struggles for opportunity and helping hands and legs-up, versus jj who was born into a low income life with little opportunity and little faith in him from others, where his path of becoming a lowlife and a criminal like his father was already chosen for him where instead he craves freedom from that imprisonment literally and figurately im talking the prison of expectation and cycle and wants to travel to run from it, to get out of outer banks, to be free, but also because he's immature and reckless and has these fantastic idealistic dreams due to how life has treated him, versus kie who chooses the aesthetic hippie lifestyle and can choose to leave it at any time she wants (and she has before), versus sarah and john b who are all alone in the world and don't have a penny to their names and have nothing to fall back on except their friends' support and have to start again from the bottom to build a life for themselves. idk i just think kie is neat and her coming at life from a completely different place and perspective from the other pogues is neat too and i think her choosing them over and over is so fundamental. i think it's neat jj gave in to that life for pope, i think it's neat that jj has nothing to lose because that's the life he was born into while kie has everything and readily throws it away and usually she risks that security and promise of being able to have something to throw away for her pogues, while sarah has nothing to lose because it all got ripped away from her, while pope has very little and wants more for himself, i think it's neat these little things all tie into one another.