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frecklesandpie-blog · 7 years

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1.12.17-4.12.17

1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers. Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.

1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.

1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .

1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.

I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.

1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding . See more things I hate be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends. some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.

1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.

2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation. Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.

2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian and probably someone else that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do. I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.

I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.

Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.

2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.

2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .

2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it. But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life

2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.

I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.

2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno .

2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.

2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.

2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.

2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know? Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.

3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.

3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.

3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..

3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .

3.16 I ve been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.- but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back. I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either . Sigh. Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled . Though for now I am praying .

3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno

3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.

3.20

I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.

3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills. Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to hang out. Free to be out late. Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki? It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is. Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.

3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.

4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic. I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it

4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary. and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true. way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha, tara, Jillian, yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say. I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier. I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.

4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating. then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.

dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop. then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging. thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .

4.12 I'm in the middle of break now. the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living. I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments. I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight. or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that. this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation. before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)

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