#but just - AHHHHH my mind is a paranoid place sometimes and it Does Not Like This.

[bougiebutchbitch]

I don't know who it is who keeps reblogging my stuff to a blog neither I nor anyone I know can see, or if it's just weird Tumblr ghost notifications - but it sure makes me nervous!

[fandom-scatteredthoughtsonpaper]

Hi hi! i think you said asks were open in your newest post? If not feel free to ignore this lol

I would love to see headcannons of an MC who, though acting brave, gets very scared of the brothers

example after lucifer and the grimoire and such? like MC slowly becomes MORE scared of them, and tries to hide it, but it's getting obvious that theyre scared if that makes sense lol 💖

Ahhhhh, sorry this took longer than it necessarily should have! I feel like I was much closer to what you wanted with this request than the other, so hopefully you'll enjoy it too ❤️

GN MC THAT PROGRESSIVELY FEARS THE BROTHERS

Living with demons is hard, especially when they're the rulers of hell, err, the Devildom.

Sure, there's the implication they're not supposed to hurt or do anything harmful to you, as you have the safety of being an exchange student, but that veil of ignorance was quickly lifted before even the two week mark of living with these brothers.

You've tried getting along with them, and for the most part you've been successful, but a few circumstances have arisen that have reminded you that these boys are dangerous demons... and you're the human that keeps poking the three-headed dog while it sleeps.

Mammon:

You're not so much scared of what Mammon could physically do, but you're paranoid that he goes into your room and rummages in your belongings and personal keepsakes. Your room is the only thing you have that you can claim as your own, and it's your sanctuary, despite it being in the brothers' house.

Of course, the brothers will periodically just barge in without alerting you by asking or knocking, but you've grown okay with that. You're at least in your room and able to see what they do in there. There are a few occasions Levi or Satan might mention going into your bedroom to retrieve a video game or book they had loaned you, but you make sure to put their item on the dresser by the entrance, so they don't have to venture too far in. You're okay with that.

You're not okay, however, with Mammon when he goes into your room unannounced. Hell, you're not totally comfortable with him being in your room unattended if he does give you a heads-up.

You know how kleptomaniac Mammon can be. You've heard enough complaints and stories to know how relentless Mammon can be in his search for anything that could give him a few Grimm from his brothers. You've talked with this greedy demon about items he's stolen, witnessed thefts a few times too.

So, you feel something akin to victimized when Mammon goes into your room without your permission or you being there. Your room emits this vibe of disturbance, and it bothers you because you don't know what might be missing or "borrowed". It troubles you more because now your room feels foreign again, like the atmosphere was plagued by essences that you know aren't yours. Your anxiety swells with paranoia, fear, and mistrust again.

Leviathan:

Oh, for the most part, you don't have much conflict with Levi anymore. Once you made a pact with the otaku demon he relaxed a lot more and invited you to hang out in his room to play games or fuss about animation qualities in animes or gush about his favorite manga characters.

It's just that after that contest of who was the bigger TSL fan and Levi, enveloped by jealousy and fury, came at you with the intent to seriously harm you, you've had this overly-suspicious fear in the back of your mind, itching your paranoia that it could happen again.

You've learned that Levi's demon form is easily triggered by extreme feelings, rather that's excitement, irritability, or the emotion he avatars over, and you can't help be irritationally cautious when that happens. It's a reflex from the panic that engraved itself into your psyche for self-preservation.

If you weren't so anxious about another envy-fueled incident involving your life you might find Levi's excitement for the stuff he loves more endearing and cute.

Beelzebub:

If you hadn't seen how destructive Beel's tantrums over food firsthand could be you might find it hard to believe this relaxed and mostly uninvolved brother would have such a temper... but you did experience it, so you do believe it.

It was a custard! They're so easy to get more of, but Beel immediately flew off the handle and wouldn't see reasoning, lashing out and destroying the kitchen. If Mammon hadn't pulled you down with him to the floor as Beel started his outraged tantrum you're positive you would have been collateral damage too, like your poor room that was unfortunately placed on the other side of the kitchen wall.

It was a terrifying sight to behold, seeing the kitchen torn asunder and reduced to broken walls, obliterated cabinets, and smashed counters, with kitchen utensils and ruined cookware being sent into flight and raining down, razor-sharp and shattered into broken edges that could easily pierce flesh.

That moment of destruction lingers, along with the intense emotion of fright, triggered whenever Beel complains about being hungry or when he meets your gaze at the table during times to eat. You immediately offer your unfinished plate to him, which he happily accepts and consumes in seconds, to appease the Avatar of Gluttony's temper.

Asmodeus:

Asmo's promiscuity and salaciousness are what unnerve you the most. He's the Avatar of Lust, so obviously you were already on your defense, but you've seen glimpses beyond the surface level to what Asmo can be like. That's what intrigues you about him, and you try to focus on those bits that slip past his perfectionistic lifestyle and narcissistic personality. At the same time, however, this is the cause of your near downfalls when Asmo tries to allure you with his physical prowess.

He's tried a few times to charm you, and you feel this invasive power trying to persuade you to give into your raw and sexual temptations, or this tugging sensation that tries to attract you beyond what you feel is comfortable. The repulsed response is usually what repels you from the power Asmo tries to flaunt over you.

He usually huffs after his failed attempt but quickly rebounds by placing his hands around you and trying to embrace you himself, which Mammon, prompted by his denied feelings and jealousy, usually intercepts in your honor.

There's a few times you've worried yourself nauseous Asmo will corner you, and you won't be able to save yourself from his lustful persuasion. There's also the couple of times he's mentioned eating your heart, so that's also worrisome.

Satan:

There's no questions that you secretly fear Satan, more specifically his wrath. You slighted him once before, and the threat he imposed upon you while you were trapped between his demonic form and an over-stuffed bookcase was enough to brand itself to your soul as a reminder.

As docile as Satan may appear with his affection for cats, deep interest for detective shows, and shared affinity of books he could and, possibly, would rip you apart and lavish in the blood that wept from your lacerated flesh and tension of your bones rebelling before snapping satisfactory in halves and thirds.

Other than that, Satan is much easier to hang out with compared to his brothers, except when he gets that cruel temperament to torment Lucifer, which you exempt yourself from if the pranks are too excessive.

Belphegor:

Terror has never seeped into your soul like this before. Your anxiety spikes to levels you've never experienced before when Belphie plops down next to you on the couch or tries to start up a conversation. Your fight, flight, freeze, or fawn system goes haywire, and you become petrified, unable to respond properly.

You either stay away from Belphie altogether or stay glued to one of the other brothers, Mammon or Beel preferably. Just in case.

Just in case Belphie's lament arises again in the form of murderous hate, gleeful contempt clouding his eyes, as his hands find their way to your neck that remembers the tight embrace his fingers engraved into the nerves of your throat, the ghostly suffocating that chokes you up sometimes if you become too immersed in the memory of a body that hadn't belonged to you.

You're also sure you remember an aching in your ribs and spine that causes you to shiver sometimes, but you're not sure if you experienced that in a dream or illusion of the timeline merging. It still bothers you all the same.

For such a sweet face and quiet voice, Belphie is a demon that decieves, and you're better off staying away from him until you're over your PTSD. If that's possible.

Lucifer:

How many times has he almost killed you? Twice or three times? Enough to be too many and to penetrate your core with panic and trepidation whenever you see that sly smile that forms on his lips. It doesn't have to be directed at you, but it's enough to launch you into a panic attack that you barely keep under control.

That safety guard of being a representative from the human world and exchange student mean nothing when you test it by being a busybody in affairs that definitely don't involve you over and over again, especially when it's the pride and dignity of Lucifer being tested.

You hear your lesson but never learn, and unconsciously you must be masochistic for how many times you've brushed death with Lucifer's anger, but you keep pushing the limits.

You can't help going to Mammon's defense when you feel Lucifer is only targeting him for personal reasons or standing up to his ego when you feel he's going over his limits. Your bravery is stupidity though, and you feel your courageous backbone turn into a central nerve system of adrenaline and fear. You're just too stubborn and self-righteous to let Lucifer do as he pleases, but that doesn't mean you're not scared out of your wits.

You've gained an intuition for when Lucifer is approaching or silently comes up from behind you, and it sends a shiver down your back almost every time you're alone together.

If you have any headcanons that you want me to write, please send them my way! I enjoy writing these out. NSFW is okay, but please know I might not do it if I don’t like it. ❤️

[beerecordings]

bee i am LIVING for the bartimaeus AU! i just finished rereading the series and ahhhhh! it's perfect!! what are some of the other iplier demons like? who's the biggest drama queen and who's secretly the softest for mark? and i know you mentioned marv, jackie and hen, but does jack also have chase and jj as little demon buds? what are their names/what are they like if so?

these are excellent questions thank you Mads haha and YES isn’t that series the best?? still like one of my favorites

yeah so Mark’s house is just like filled with the grumpiest creatures in the universe but they also logically know that Mark’s helping them and they hate that but some of them try to be grateful. Eric is probably the softest for him cause he loves being protected by Mark - he’s not just anxious about being enslaved by other magicians, he even gets nervous in the Other Place, so this is a nice break for him. he mostly hangs out as small animals and hides in Mark’s clothes or sometimes he’ll just curl up in a drawer or closet or something and give Mark a jumpscare when he opens it haha. also i think Yancy doesn’t mind being Mark’s (doesn’t want to be free lol) and he just hangs around Mark’s garden as a ring-tailed lemur getting fat on fruit.

most of the other spirits Mark watches over come and go because it takes a lot of power to control so many, but the permanent fixtures in his house are Host, Dark, and Wilford. Wilford and Dark are both incredibly powerful but Wilford has lost his mind entirely and he has zero fear of any punishment so he’d be really dangerous if he was ever controlled by another magician. he doesn’t have any concept of death anymore and kills at random if Mark doesn’t help reign him in. Wilford likes to be a ridiculous animal of his choosing usually wearing a party hat or something else ridiculous, a man in colorful clothes, or a big pink bubble. Dark, meanwhile, is severely disabled by his pain. A magician put a curse on him when he got caught in the crossfire of an affair turned into a violent revenge plot and now his body is in constant pain and confusion even in the Other Place. Once an incredibly powerful spirit, he can’t do much now but lie in the room Mark gave him and plot his revenge (although the other marid, Wilford, seems to have taken an interest in him and has started regularly sneaking in to entertain him).

Mark is working really hard to find a cure for the curse, but Dark is slightly out of his mind with the pain and the anger and he hates Mark more than he can express, eventually coming to mistake him for the magician who cursed him in the first place. once Mark meets Jack, they actually start making progress on finding a cure cause Jack is a really good researcher. meanwhile Host is the oldest spirit there, not as powerful as Dark and Wil but clever and cunning. he is blind and usually takes the forms of animals. sometimes he will allow Mark to carry him around as a snake around his neck, threatening to crush his neck at any moment, but he never does.

however the biggest drama queen is probably this dramatic, showy little foliot Mark occasionally summons named Bim. Bim got a taste for human flesh while fighting in the American Revolution and Mark checks on him occasionally because human blood is basically an addictive substance for spirits, the equivalent of a bear huffing petroleum, and Bim’s kind of out of his mind from it. he’s working on getting him detoxed but Bim keeps trying to trap him in game show-style death matches with other spirits, so it’s always a struggle. i think also Google is the one who is the most furious whenever he’s summoned, but he’s been magically bound to another demon named Bing and they both want to be separated from each other! it’s painful for them to be bound together and they can’t get apart even in the Other Place. one of their old masters bound them together as punishment for plotting to kill him and they’re both kind of miserable now. when they’re summoned, they usually take the shape of mismatched animals like a fox and a rabbit or a snake and a mongoose. or, when they’re actually getting along, a pair of almost identical dogs or a pair of human twins with eyes that aren’t quite human. there are others too, like this imp Mark found that just refers to itself as “the Jims”, a creature that likes to mimic the Judeo-Christian concept of an angel called the Silver Shepherd, and a djinni called Iplier who’s seen so much death that he thinks every human he looks at is dying within the next few days and has come to develop a reputation as a death omen (Mark hopes this isn’t true because Ippy really likes to stand at the foot of his bed late at night as a huge black dog and it’s uhhhhh a little weird lol).

and yes, Jack does have Chase and JJ! he finds his spirits in the same order as they’re created in canon, so those two are the newest to him and actually he never intended to keep either of them, just summoned them for research purposes. but when he found Chase he discovered what was essentially depression in spirits and he could not just let that go for both research purposes and because Jack is so fucking empathetic haha. and Chase was fascinated by what the heck was happening in his house and actually curious to be a part of it, so he let Jack keep him and eventually they developed a trust for each other and won’t leave! Chase is technically the weakest of Jack’s spirits because he’s only a foliot. His demon name is Blood Chaser and he likes to be a puppy dog haha. one of those little Target dogs lolll. he’s like the sweetest little guy. he made the mistake of falling in love with a human woman he was sent to seduce and assassinate last time he was summoned, but he never could get himself to assassinate her so another spirit came and did it :( now Chase is paranoid about Jack getting hurt and likes to sleep in the same bed as him to protect him.

JJ, however, was not NEARLY as friendly. he was summoned because of his ties to either Anti or because of the permanent wound on his throat (i’m still deciding which but Jack is really interested in spirit “disabilities” and how to help spirits with them) and he hates humans for everything they’ve done to him. he was trapped in a genie’s bottle for about three hundred years and nearly lost his mind, and either Anti or a human sorcerer permanently disfigured his throat and made it impossible for him to speak verbally no matter what he shape-shifts to. he tries to TERRIFY Jack when he first summons him - but it’s been a few hundred years since he was summoned, and even if Jack wasn’t tough as nails, the forms he picks to scare him are pretty archaic. but he gets really confused cause Jack just wants to ask him like a million questions?? lol. Jack keeps summoning him back again and again to ask him questions and eventually JJ gets really frustrated from the confusion and demands to see what the hell Jack is up to. that’s how he ends up getting introduced to this household full of happy demons and Jack offers to try and find a way to help heal his throat. even if he can’t get his voice back, Jack eventually finds a way to stop the burning pain that’s been haunting JJ for centuries. things progress from there. JJ still has a fear of being confined, so you can mostly find him guarding the woods around Jack’s house, and Jack lets him go back to the Other Place whenever he likes, though they both know it’s safest for him to be with Jack to avoid being enslaved by another magician. JJ’s full name is Nectarian, which is an old kind of alcohol he once used to burn a city down on his master’s orders. Jack said that was super archaic and started calling him different alcohols as a joke, but eventually Jameson stuck and now he likes it :)

[naimly]

Hey, I don't mean to pry or be impertinent or anything, but have you ever considered going to therapy? I have been following your blog for a long time, and you seem like a really lovely person, so I hate to see you suffer from agoraphobia, and I believe it might be a good idea since therapy really helped me with my anxiety disorder

I think I’m going to have to put this reply under a Read More, it gets pretty lengthy, I’m afraid! 

I have actually tried talking to two separate therapists, but neither worked out well for me, unfortunately. I completely understand how it can help many other people, and I support seeking help for yourself fully! Especially if you’re suffering from anxiety or depression, or any other mental illness, so I don’t want to turn anybody off from therapy at all. But for me, it actually made things much worse both times.

The main problem with my anxiety and agoraphobia is that there’s also a minor physical health issue backing it up - I’m ok talking publicly about any phobias, but this health problem is something I absolutely hate about myself more than anything. It’s nothing serious! Not even a little bit, so please don’t worry about that, but combined with the anxiety it turns everything into a big horrible mess. Sorry to be so vague about it by the way, pff. My doctor does know about it, and I’ve been to specialists when I could work up the nerve, but I still don’t have any medication/treatment for the problem. I am working on it, but it’s so difficult to leave the house, I have to plan everything a week ahead of time even just to visit my GP and that’s less that a 3 minute drive away, but for me it’s such an ordeal I honestly find it kind of impossible some days. Even thinking about it can give me panic attacks and make me ill. 

The other problem with therapists is that I have a very serious thing that happened to me a long time ago, but I can’t talk about it to anyone ever otherwise people I care about could get into a lot of trouble and it’d ruin everything. Very vague again, and I promise it’s not that big of a deal either, I suppose, I bet I made that sound super ominous - I’m not wanted by the police or anything! It’s nothing crazy like that, I promise. It is something that has affected me most of my life, though, and I could see how it’d affect the agoraphobia too, and sometimes I do kind of want to talk to someone about it, but I know I can’t. 

Anyway! The first time I was prescribed Cognitive Therapy I think I was about 15 and the lady was incredibly nice and kind, and I did like her very much, but one of her methods to help try and get me better was to set myself little goals of getting outside more - like one day I’d walk five steps away from my house, the next ten, the next twenty. It’d probably have worked great if it weren’t for the physical health problem - but at the time every told me ‘it’s all in your head’ and that I didn’t have anything else wrong with me (doctor has now decided that isn’t the case, and has sort of diagnosed me - I’m still doing tests when I can). So this ended up making me feel impossibly pressured to push myself further each day, and sometimes it did help and I was able to leave the house for a while and then come home (the agoraphobia was constantly on my mind, but at least I was going out more) but then eventually I’d relapse because of the health issue and I’d lose all confidence in myself and hate myself again. So it ended up with me dreading seeing the therapist because I didn’t want to disappoint her, but every time I saw her I felt so crushingly guilty that I couldn’t leave the house again. I ended up feeling like I had to punish myself for being a failure and started self-harm and bulimia and stuff (sorry if that’s TMI!). So I had to stop seeing her. 

The second therapist was awful. Again, I desperately don’t want to say ‘all therapists are poop’ or anything like that! I’m sure this lady was one in a million. But she was the most stereotypical therapist you could find, and every time I told her something she would honestly say the exact words ‘and how does that make you feel’, and I felt like every time I spoke to her she was secretly judging me and thinking how spoiled and bratty I was (the latter is very likely just me being paranoid though). And then that ‘serious thing that happened to me a long time ago’ was touched upon. I didn’t say anything about it, but it was obvious she knew I was hiding something, and started saying things like ‘I can’t help you if you don’t tell me’ even though I’d only visited her about 2 or 3 times and definitely didn’t feel any trust. Instead of leaving it alone she kept pushing and pushing until I was basically curled up in my chair crying and asking her if we could stop. It was such a mess, I don’t know if I could trust another therapist again. I’m certain there are PLENTY of amazing therapists out there! My friend visits one and she sounds really cool and has lots of interesting methods, but I just don’t think I could go through that again.

Ahhhhh I hate to sound so despondent, because I’m actually not that bad! I do feel pretty optimistic sometimes! If I can get this little health problem finally sorted out, I’m certain I could beat the anxiety. So it’s just working up the courage to get to the doctors right now. :>

I’m sorry for such a long post!! And I’m so happy therapy helped you with your anxiety! :D That’s really wonderful, I’m so proud of you for going, kick that anxiety’s butt!! Punch it in the face, kick it in the shin, place lego everywhere so it can move without stepping on it, I believe in you~