#but like all performances that kayfabe can get super tiring and he just wants to stop performing

[feedingicetothedog]

i officially have the vampire chronicles brainworms bc i'm reading the vampire lestat rn and i keep thinking back to when the first trailer for the amc show came out and ppl were like "um......lestat only kills BAD ppl >:(" bc like......that's not true at all. yes, when he first gets turned, he's like i have to create a system for this or i'm going to lose my mind (which bads news bud you already lost it) and he only kills thieves and muggers and stuff. but then he has his mental breakdown in renaud's theater and says, and i quote:

"What sublime idiocy that I had dragged that paltry morality with me, striking down the damned ones—seeking to be saved in spite of it all? What had I thought I was, a righteous partner to the judges and executioners of Paris who strike down the poor for crimes that the rich commit every day?"

and then later that night he eats a beggar woman and her child while they're seeking shelter in a church (and trying to get him to a doctor bc he's covered in blood and they think he's injured) and says that their blood tastes better bc of their innocence. and then louis says in iwtv that lestat saw them (vampires) as beings akin to god who acted as independent agents doling out life and death at their own discretion. and this is something i find so fascinating about lestat as a character which is he is always constructing some sort of self mythology, some code or story about himself to define himself and then he carries it around until it begins to chafe and then he completely throws it away and recreates himself in hopes of eventually manufacturing an identity that makes his existence have some sort of meaning. bc that's really what he's looking for, a version of his story/life where everything is profound and nothing is simply (cruelly) by chance

[wrestlingisfake]

Summerslam preview

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns - Reigns defeated Bobby Lashley on Raw to earn this match for Lesnar’s universal championship. 

The story this time is virtually unchanged from their match at Wrestlemania 34--Lesnar doesn’t respect WWE and never shows up to defend the title, Roman is the only guy that could beat him, and this is the last chance before Lesnar leaves to go back to UFC.  Technically this is the last match on Lesnar’s WWE contract, but so was the Mania match until he signed an extension.  So the fact Lesnar is already setting up a UFC title fight with Demetrious Johnson Daniel Cormier does not mean anything to this match--Lesnar could easily sign another extension, retain in Brooklyn, and drop the title in November or something.

Real talk, I am sitting out this show because I don’t want to repeat the cocktease of Roman choking at Mania, and I don’t have faith in WWE to make it up to me.  I already vented about this match extensively, but basically nothing has changed to make it seem like Roman is more likely to win than last time.  Roman hasn’t changed up his game or style, he’s just become more whiny and petulant.  Lesnar hasn’t gotten weaker--the split with Paul Heyman turned out to be a ruse, and even if Heyman does a triple-cross at the show, that’s not going to convince me to order before the show.  Roman did manage to get that “should have won” finish in the cage match at Saudi Arabia, but that super-touch-the-floor-before-the-other-guy power doesn’t really matter in a non-cage match. 

The most important wrinkle added to this match is that it’s the first time since 2015 that Lesnar has been in a title match while a Money in the Bank contract can be used against him.  We won’t know who will have the contract during this match until the Strowman/Owens match is settled, but it can be executed immediately after (or even during) this match to give a third man a chance to steal the championship.  The hype would be that instead of us being pissed when Lesnar wins again, this time when he’s all tired and stuff a second guy comes out and wrecks him.  The problem with that as an incentive to order the show is that Lesnar usually makes winning look so easy that after his matches I tend to think he could go back and clobber five more guys.  Also, my big problem with a Money in the Bank cash-in finish, to slay the dragon Roman never could, is that it leaves Roman looking weak as hell, which would be tolerable except WWE will spend another year trying to fix the mess they made, at the expense of our patience.

Ideally, Roman should just crush Lesnar in under ten minutes, with Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins (and maybe even Heyman) helping, and then they triple-powerbomb Strowman to close the show.  That would be the best move right now, to rehab Reigns and wash the bad taste of the Lesnar/Reigns saga out of our mouths.  But I am dead certain they will not do this, or even come close.  So I’m picking Lesnar to pin Roman clean, and whoever has MITB doesn’t even bother to come out, for maximum fuck-you points.

Ronda Rousey vs. Alexa Bliss

- Bliss won the Raw women’s title in part by disrupting Rousey’s own title shot, so now Rousey is after revenge and the championship. 

WWE’s in a tough spot because they want to push Rousey as an unstoppable badass and special attraction, which means she has to dominate all her matches and look like she knows what she’s doing from the start.  That limits their ability to show her the ropes in the undercard or on house shows, so they have to get creative about how they present her.  I’ve heard this match has been heavily rehearsed, which is fine, but it may indicate concerns about how quickly they can pull the trigger on a title run.  They were already perfectly happy with Bliss as a tippy-toppy woman, so they could easily stand pat with her for another 3-6 months. But given the all-women’s show coming up in October, I think they’ll want Rousey to come out on top here.

AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe - Styles is defending the WWE world championship.  If Joe wins, I believe he will be the first man to have held the WWE, TNA/Impact, and ROH world heavyweight titles.

Joe has been playing mindgames, trying to convince Styles that his title run has hurt his commitment to his family, and that his wife and kids are hoping Joe wins.  I don’t buy that AJ believes that, but I do buy that he’s furious that Joe would talk shit about his family.

According to profightdb.com, Joe and AJ have faced off at all since 2013, when they were both in TNA.  It’s pretty amazing WWE is just now getting around to this match-up, because I don’t even think they were trying to save it for a special occasion.  These guys have always worked well together, so we should be in for a treat, but on the other hand that was a long time ago, so it’ll be interesting to see what’s changed.  This is the one match that gives me second thoughts about skipping this show.

I think Joe should win, to cap off a long Styles reign and to acknowledge Joe’s underrated performance as a killer heel.  But they’ve managed to build up AJ’s credibility as a tough guy to beat, to the point where I’m actually wondering if he’ll go a full 365 days as champion, or even all the way into next year’s Wrestlemania.  So I’m not super confident Joe can win, but he’s still my pick.

Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens - Strowman’s Money in the Bank contract is at stake in this match.  They’ve been booking this feud like Owens is Wile E. Coyote constantly trying to dream up ways to get the drop on his opponent that never work, except the Roadrunner is fucking Braun Strowman so it doesn’t exactly make much sense.  For example, Owens holds a victory over Strowman because it was an escape-the-cage match and Strowman got mad threw him off the top of the cage.  I assume the idea is that Owens has a super-sneaky plan (perhaps involving Jinder Mahal) that will have us kicking ourselves if it works, but I don’t actually believe it will work.  I can see a booking direction in which Owens has the contract, but I have a really hard time seeing him winning this match.  So I’m going with Strowman to win.

Camella vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch - This is a three-way for Carmella’s Smackdown women’s title, so there can be no count-outs or disqualifications, and the first woman to score a fall on either opponent will be the champion.  Carmella won the title by ambushing Charlotte after a brutal beatdown, and then retained in a rematch.  Becky earned her spot in this match by beating Carmella.  Charlotte earned her spot in this match by...coming back, I guess?  I don’t even know anymore.

I think Becky’s fans have gone the longest without a title and they’re starting to get pretty damn nuts about it, so I would appreciate it if WWE tossed Wrestling Tumblr a bone and let us have this, if only so that we can get “Carmella deserves it more” discourse as a change of pace.  But I think the real reason this is a three-way is for the old bit where the heel is facing two babyface friends and seems to be doomed, but the faces fight each other and the heel sneaks out with a win.

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz - All right.  Back in 2010 WWE signed Bryan and, to fuck with everybody, introduced him as a rookie being mentored by Miz.  This led to good heel heat when Miz acted like he was the true master of the two, which led to a nice pop when Bryan beat him for the US title later that year.  Then for a long time nothing happened.  Then in 2016 Bryan was retired and Miz did a worky-shooty promo on him that everybody raved about even though it didn’t set up a match.  Then nothing happened.  Then in 2018 Bryan came out of retirement, so the people who think Miz is really great decided the #1 dream match for Bryan is to finally continue this allegedly epic rivalry.

People keep acting like this is a legendary feud and I’m not sure what they see in it except that Miz yells really loud about it.  I mean, it’s good that Miz has discovered shouting but I have yet to detect a coherent point in his promos except that he’s delusional for thinking he’s the superior combatant.  (Miz may be the superior entertainer, and more likely to be wrestling in five years, but in kayfabe I don’t know what that has to do with winning this one fight.)

You’d think as a part of Bryan’s big emotional return from a career-threatening concussion, he should just win this match.  But on the other hand, Miz has a reality show they need to put over.  And more to the point, there’s still no clear indication that Bryan has renewed his WWE contract, which is supposed to expire in less than a month.  If I’m WWE, and I think Bryan could be headed to ROH to headline Madison Square Garden, I’m not putting him over at Summerslam.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins - Dolph already defended the intercontinental title against Seth in a 30-minute iron man match, but I guess that was all to set up this...regular match.  OK, then.

The big angle this time is that Rollins has always had to deal with Ziggler having Drew McIntyre in his corner, but this time Rollins has Dean Ambrose on his side, freshly returned from a triceps tear.  Unless Ambrose is just going to turn on Rollins, it’d be crazy to waste the Shield reunion heat for this match on a Ziggler win.  And if you’re going to do some kind of tease of a heel turn among the Shield, I think you should wait until later when Roman Reigns can be involved for maximum effect.  So my preference is for Rollins to win the title and celebrate with Dean.  But I’m not confident we’ll all get what want...

Harper & Rowan vs. any two of Big E & Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods - The New Day are challenging Harper and Rowan for the Smackdown tag team championship, and they probably won’t reveal which two of the three are going to wrestle until the match starts.  I don’t think WWE knows where they’re going with the Smackdown tag division, so it’s hard to pick a winner here.  Ordinarily you have to assume the two big monsters with giant hammers are the favorites, but the New Day are a hot act and should probably get back on top of the mountain.  It depends on whether they’ve got anyone else in mind to beat the Bludgeon Brothers, but I don’t think they do.......so.....New Day wins the belts.

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Jeff Hardy - Nakamura won the US title from Jeff last month due to interference from Randy Orton, and then Orton interfered in the rematch too, so this is another rematch.  Orton may or may not be in trouble for reports of him pulling his dick out in meetings a long time ago, so I don’t know if he’ll be running into this match or not.  I’ve also read Hardy is awfully banged up so I don’t think a title win is a great idea for him.  So Nakamura is going to retain, it’s just a question of whether it’s via a ballshot DQ or an Orton run-in.

Finn Balor vs. Baron Corbin - Ugh.  Maybe Balor can remember where he left his body paint so he can turn into the demon and end this feud already.

Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel vs. Scott Dawson & Dash Wilder - This is on the pre-show.  Dallas and Axel (The B-Team) are defending the Raw tag team title against the Dawson and Wilder (The Revival).  Back when the Revival were in NXT it would be ludicrous to think they wouldn’t punch these jobbers in the mouth and dominate the tag scene for months.  But I guess the whole “no flips, just fists” mentality has nothing on midcard comedy antics.  The B-Team has momentum, and although they probably won’t in a year, for now they’re miles ahead of the Revival.  Dallas and Axel retain.

Cedric Alexander vs. Drew Gulak - Gulak is challenging for the crusierweight championship on the pre-show.  I haven’t really paid attention to the cruiserweights for months and it sounds like I haven’t missed anything.  I don’t know, I guess Cedric retains.

Andrade Almas & Zelina Vega vs. Rusev & Lana - This is also scheduled for the pre-show.  It’s a mixed tag team match, so every time one team makes a tag the other team is also required to tag to ensure that men only wrestle men and women only wrestle women.  This started a a series of Vega/Lana matches, until their men got involved.  Rusev’s sidekick Aiden English is also in the mix, although he hasn’t done Rusev and Lana much good so far.  You’d expect Almas and Vega to win to continue their push and advance the plot of whatever’s happening between Rusev and English.  But knowing WWE, nothing is for sure here.