#but like if someone else wanted to try it wouldn't make them nauseous anymore. which is good.

[featherymainffins]

One thing about me is I don't understand why people say that you should never try even one cigarette because they all got addicted after one. I had the worst fucking nightmare experience with my first cigarette you couldn't pay me to smoke one of these again.

[lyracasstuff]

I am NOT prepared to make myself sad,, you FRENCHIE!! ಥ⌣ಥ

However,, I will accept because as much as it pains me to write angst,, I also have to in order to improve my writing skills..

I'll do this in one shot/fic form as I feel as though I can convey emotions there better. That and I've been doing headcannons as of late,, so let's switch it up a notch..

WARNINGS: DEATH, BLOOD, SPOILERS FOR JOSEPH'S BACKSTORY

Joseph x fem! S/o

To be Sick at Heart💔

"How did this all happen?" thought the Frenchman, although it was more retorical, as he already knew deep down the answer to that question... He just can't accept it..

You had been an acquaintance to Joseph before, seeing as how your family served him, and the both of you only grew closer once you got caught in the twisted "games" of the manor. Joseph asked as to what had tempted you to accept the invitation of the manor.

It turns out, you were looking to find people who you can treat as your own family. In all your life, you practically had been treated like dirt, especially the time when Joseph had gone missing. Your family had given you love and acceptance, but it was short-lived seeing as how their lives were slowly taken from them early on in your life by sickness, you had no one but the other servants to take care of you.

The other servants cared for you, but not to the same extent as your family... You were aware of that fact as did they. So, when the invitation arrived, you couldn't help but accept right away.

It promised that "they" could fulfill your desire of having the bonds and relationships that you never had growing up, why wouldn't you accept? You would be missing out on a golden oppurtunity.

And so, that was how you ended up in this morbid manor, tricked and forced to participate in these "games" that gets everyone hurt much like every other survivor who came here...

Days had gone by. Weeks. Months. Hell, even years, and you were all still being forced to play.

Thankfully, you had everyone to keep you company during these times.. Thanks to your loving nature, you were able to be close with everyone in the manor, even those who are notorious at being secretive like Norton. You even managed to befriend some of the hunters as well.

But most especially of all, you were thankful you had Joseph to be there with you.

You were quite shocked when you saw the silver-haired count, as he had seemingly disappeared out of nowhere the last time. So to see him here made you pleasantly surprised.

Joseph as well felt shocked when he saw you here, albeit he took some time to figure who exactly you were as you looked extremely familiar to him.

It didn't take long for the both of you to grow close to each other where outside of matches, you two were practically inseperable. The both of you would be spotted having afternoon tea together, walking around the manor together, sightseeing for new photoshoot locations together.

You always did things together...

Over time though, you would grow feelings for the count and the same can be said for Joseph as well. However, your fears of being rejected has delayed the both of you from ever confessing about your feelings toward each other. The others in the manor can most definitely see your connection as bright as day, but they really didn't know how to go about helping you about it. After all, all of them never really had great experiences in their lives, so they don't know what would normally be best in a situation like this..

Despite this, you can't help but feel content and happy that you have found people that you can treat as your family. Emily and Michiko were like motherly figures to you with their kind nature. Leo treated you like his own daughter, much like how he treats Emma. Wu Chang, Andrew, Norton, Naib, and Eli were like big brothers for you, always being protective of you to keep you safe.

You really felt at home with all of the inhabitants. It almost felt as if being stuck in a manor wasn't so bad after all...

Almost

There was still one more thing you wanted to do. You had discovered your family, but you wanted to expand on that desire..

You wanted to start your own family

And you would want to do so with someone you love... That someone would be the Frenchman with whom you have grown immense feelings for.. So you sent him an invitation to go to the balcony of the garden at night, where you won't be disturbed by the others...

Unbeknownst to you, the Frenchman had been thinking the same thing, especially after reading the invitation you sent him. Can you blame him though? Seeing you interacting with him, along with all of the others, made him feel butterflies in his stomach. How you unconditionally helped the other inhabitants through their issues and suffering, not because you needed something from them, but because you wanted to. You wanted to help them, you wanted to nurture them, you wanted to support them...

With that feeling alone, Joseph finds that he just couldn't take it anymore... He wants to confess to you..

He wants to be with you, to call you his love, to marry you and call you his wife, and to start a family as well..

With that thought, he made up his mind and decided to accept your invitation, and there, he will confess..

It was night time, you were already at the balcony waiting, knowing that Joseph values punctuality and doesn't like to be kept waiting. Soon after, Joseph shows up. It seems as though he had been brisk walking which is evident by the way he's catching his breath in the slightest.

Taking a deep breath, you slowly and calmly began to confess your feelings towards him and how you wanted to start building a future with him as the father of your children.

Joseph was in awe, for he had never could've guessed that you felt the same way. He accepted, saying how he had always thought about you the same way, and that he would be honored to be the father of your children. Joseph took a few steps towards you, with you unconsciously doing the same. Joseph wrapped his arms around your waist to pull you closer, while you wrapped yours around his neck.

He lifted his hand and tilted your chin upwards to stare at your features, admiring them. The way your skin glistened in the moonlight, how your eyes sparkled with life when he stared at them. How your cheeks were flushed with the slightest hint of color.

You looked angelic to him.

Brushing his thumb over your lower lip, he slowly closed his eyes as he allowed his lips to connect with yours.. You can't help but reciprocate immediately, you'd been waiting for this moment to come. You truly felt happy that you took the risk to confess to him, knowing that he may have rejected you instead.

And that was the start of your blossoming relationship...

For the next few years, the two of you became more and more in love with each other every single day. Countless affirmations of love, bouquets of your favorite flowers, numerous cuddling sessions, along with the discussion of having a domestic life together..

You two really had the potential to have a wonderful life together...

But, there are repercussions in growing fond of the potential...

One time at a match, you had been feeling dizzier and more nauseous by the second, so much so that it frequently disoriented you from kiting the hunter properly. At some point even, you threw up a bit. Your team still won the match since the hunter decided to go friendly in the end because of your condition, however they were still concerned for you so they sent you immediately to Emily.

You were diagnosed to be pregnant..

Your thoughts immediately went to Joseph. A mixture of joy and anxiousness washed over you. Can be a good mother for your child? Can you really do this? Can you really start a family like you had promised? What if you do something wrong? What if you're not cut out for this?

Just as your thoughts began to generate more questions, Joseph runs in and looks over to you with wide eyes. Emily must've told him that you were pregnant with his child. He immediately went towards your bed and hugged you as he sobbed his heart out.

He was so convinced that the bright future you two head towards is certain...

Oh, how a fool he was for believing so....

2 months in and your belly hasn't been growing rapidly.. Normally, you would've had a small baby bump forming on your belly... Joseph and Emily had been constantly reassuring you that you might need to readjust your diet more to fit your baby's needs....

But, that's not the only thing bothering you...

You see, just as you haven't "developed" your baby, your dizziness and nausea didn't go away. For quite sometime, you thought it was normal.....

Until you see tiny specks and droplets of blood on your hand...

That's when you realize....

You're not actually pregnant.. You're sick...

Having this sudden realization, you quickly washed your hand and looked at yourself in the mirror... Maybe this was some sort of mistake? Maybe you're actually pregnant and you just scratched the inside of your cheek?

You were hoping. Praying, that it was anything else other than a sickness... However, as time passed, you felt yourself growing weaker and weaker...

For months, you had kept this sickness of yours a secret. You didn't want to make anyone worry about you and you especially didn't want to disappoint Joseph with the fact that you're not actually carrying a baby or make him devastated with your death just as he became devastated with his twin brother's death...

However, try as you may, the longer you kept it a secret, the more the others noticed. How your skin was getting paler, how your cheeks had started to sink in, how you became alarmingly skinnier and bonier, how your eyes became more dull and lifeless...

Most importantly, at how you became increasingly more secretive and quiet about all this.

Joseph was by far being more and more anxious than before. He didn't know what was happening. He wasn't an expert in medicine, but even he could notice that this isn't normal for a pregnancy..

Quickly carrying you to Emily, he asked for a check-up to see what was happening. You would've stopped him if it weren't for the fact that you were so weak, you couldn't move a muscle without hurting it.. There, he was informed about the condition you're in. He was just as shocked as you are, but there's a mixture of fear and hopelessness bubbling inside him...

No. He couldn't let this happen. Not again...

His breathing starts going rapid, his hands start shaking, he hugs himself as he looks at you at your weakened state with tears threatening to spill from his eyes...

Just as he was about to confront you, Victor had entered and pointed towards the main hall, signaling Joseph and Emily to go there.

Apparently, there's a meeting that's going to be held.

Joseph and Emily looked at each other before turning to look at you. Then, they quickly left the room, with you all alone inside with nothing but your thoughts and the life within you.. Or, what's left of it...

The meeting started once Joseph and Emily arrived as they were the only ones left to attend. Emily had to quickly explain your condition when some of the others questioned your whereabouts.. All were quite shocked and concerned about your sickness, however the meeting was said to be an important one so they had to stay. They'll just have to relay the information given to you by the time it's done..

After the meeting, everyone was so shocked and confused that for several moments, no one said a word.. Who wouldn't though? Because after all this time...

They were all finally free

Free from the clutches of the manor, free from the twisted "games", free from the prison that presented itself as a grand oppurtunity for everyone to get what they want.

They were free at last... Now, they can all live their lives as they want it to be...

Suddenly realizing this, Joseph quickly made his way back to your room. There was still hope he thought, he had hoped for you to get better and finally leave this prison together, along with the others.

But what he saw when he opened the door made him feel like his heart had been crushed into a million pieces...

There in your room, was you lying in your bed, breath shallow and rapid, crimson blood dripping from the side of your mouth and staining the sheets, your eyes looking duller and duller as ever...

You were grasping..

Grasping for whatever life you had left within you, it made Joseph run to your side quickly as he cradled your head in his arms, proclaiming you'll be fine and that you're all free now and that you just need to hold on for a little while longer..

But you both know that you won't make it..

You both know that Joseph is more so convincing himself, than convincing you..

The others had rushed in to see you, and they too were crushed for they also wished for you to escape with all of them...

You held Joseph's hand, and told him not to worry anymore.. Looking towards the others, you proclaimed that you had finally found the people that you can call your family, and that even if Joseph can't see you, you'll always be there for him no matter what.. And that you wish for him to be happy and enjoy his newfound freedom, without the confinements of the manor...

Joseph begged you to stay, to hang on, to stay strong, all while sobbing uncontrollably but to no avail...

You withdrew your final breath as your hand became limp, your eyes closed, and your body going cold...

...

...

...

You had died

For the second time in his life, he once again witnessed the death of someone he deeply cared about..

First Claude......... And now, you....

Joseph lost it as he let all his tears and sadness out.. Everyone, soon followed suit. They can't help but be crushed at the thought of their friend never making it on time for the escape....

The now former inhabitants of the manor prepared one last funeral in honor of your death, with Aesop embalming you, Andrew preparing the hole from which will forever be your resting place, Emma preparing the funeral flowers, while the others prepared the venue... The Red Church.. Everyone gathered and mourned for your death. By the end of it all, everyone left the cemetery and the manor together, with Joseph gripping a bar of the gate, longing to see you again once more and hoping that you were still alive somehow...

Alas, it never came. And so, he reluctantly left the manor and had trenched forward to live his life "to the fullest"...

But how can he ever live his life as he pleases when you're not around? How can he simply enjoy the pleasures of life when you aren't there to accompany him? How can he move on when he doesn't want to forget you?

These thoughts plague him constantly, as he stirs his tea mindlessly, looking into the distance, as his new "family" were chatting happily, not knowing what goes on inside his head..

He has a family now alright, but it wasn't perfect.. It wasn't with you.

That thought is enough to make him sick at heart, for he will never experience the joy he had longed for when you were still around...

Sick at Heart : to experience deep unpleasant emotions such as grief or disappointment

💔🎞💔🎞💔🎞💔🎞💔🎞💔🎞💔🎞💔🎞

Author's Note: I hope you are all satisfied with this angst, Frenchie... Because you really made my day a bit sadder than usual..

Can someone pls request something fluffy the next time I open my requests?? I need some comforting chocolate cake after that bitter black coffee moment..(╥_╥)

Well,, until next time then! See you all in my next post!! (Ｔ▽Ｔ)💚

[a-mended-pact]

Unsteady Keys : Chapter one

💬 Authors notes: here's to my first ever chaptered fanfic debut! Feel free to interact and ask questions! 💌

Series Masterlist

✒Word count: 1,486

Part 2

Part 3

Spencer and I have been married for 3 years now. Which means I knew all the tests and trails Catherine Adam's had put him through. I started at the Bau shortly after cases with her started piling up. I watched him crumble while trying to put himself back together again with Max after prison.

We had been friends for quite some time. Connecting over our knowledge and love for literature and the fact that out of everyone that worked on the team I knew what it was like to have someone older than you need to be taken care of by you. Having people in my family that have the same conditions as his mother. Brought us closer together. To say I understood was an understatement. 

 Max left him because of everything that happened between Cat Adams and her family. She could never seem to let it go. As if it were solely his fault for what happened to them. I suppose in a way it was. I couldn't blame her for wanting a way out. Those two tried to make it work for months and months of failed attempts and meaningless dates. That just ended up in fights and arguments because Max could never truly forgive nor could she truly forget. 

Once those two finally went their separate ways Spencer had been very standoffish to every female in his life that wasn't his mother or a team member. Who could blame him?

I suppose that's where I come in? Well more frequently into his life rather than just at colleague and an occasional friend. 

Soon enough one thing led to another and we hit it off amazingly. We married within less than a year of dating.

======

Standing there watching him interact with Cat made my blood boil not out of jealousy, definitely not. It was boiling because we hadn't gotten anywhere yet on finding the whereabouts of her latest plaything.The poor creature was more than likely just a puppet on strings. A means to an end. She was trying to prolong her execution date. I'm sure of it.

 How she still managed to be such a pain in the ass for us was beyond me.

If it wasn't for the speaker on the wall. I wouldn't have known anything they said to one another. The thought of that drove me insane. I knew that Spencer had to play into her game more than the rest of us. The only problem was I'm not sure how much he was truly playing. The attraction he showed her was more than he had ever really shown anyone else. Which meant I was left questioning whether or not I truly was as important to him as he was to me.

----------------

‘Cat, we don’t have time for your games. You’ve lost control over your accomplice, just admit it!’  My hands slammed hard against the cold metal table. We didn’t have time for this. If we weren’t careful another person was going to go missing along with another body being dropped. Whoever she had working for her had clearly gone off the original script. Cat knew how to act confident and not give much away. Having dealt with her so long though I could tell she was losing it. She didn’t like not being in control. Control was everything to her. 

‘Spencie, don’t go bursting a blood vessel now. It’s only a game after all.’ her voice was flirty and condescending. It made me nauseous just thinking about how badly her words made me want to break her and put her in her place. The bottom of the food chain. 

“Oh Spencie baby, have I worked you up? Did I hurt someone you care about again?” She let out a child-like laugh. I felt my skin crawl in response. I knew my wife was on the other side of the double sided glass. I knew she could see everything, hear everything. That still didn’t stop me from falling right into what Cat wanted from me. Aren’t I supposed to be a genius? 

I moved myself closer to her, sitting myself on the table with both my legs on either side of her. 

‘I’ve been such a bad girl, Spencie.’ chewing on her lip looking up at me. I swear I saw stars. I love my wife I swear I do but something about Cat Adams got me blindingly turned on. All I wanted to do was grab her by her head and make her gag on me in this exact position. That would be a way to make her stop being so mouthy.  I had to find her alluring or else getting information from her wouldn’t work. Right? That’s what I've been telling myself all these years anyway. 

‘Are you going to give me any valuable information? If not, I am leaving.’ The aggression in my voice didn’t go unnoticed by her. A smirk forming on her lips. She looked me up and down. ‘Careful Spenice wouldn’t want your wife to know how turned on you are by me.’ She ran her cuffed hands up my thighs until she caressed me through my slacks. I could do nothing but watch her. Eventually like a moth drawn to a flame I touched her. Smacking her hand away. Probably hard enough to make the cuffs dig into her skin.  I glared at her. I honestly didn’t know what else to do. I was stunned into silence. 

I stormed out of the room. Rage fueling my every step.

‘Oh Doc did I hit a nerve? Don’t worry there is plenty more where that came from!’ I heard her shout once I had closed the door. I turned to see if my wife was still there. She wasn’t. 

‘Shit!’ I shouted, running my hands through my hair. How could I have let Cat become my puppeteer so easily? 

I glanced up at her through the glass. It was like she was looking directly at me. 

‘Don’t worry, you know you haven’t seen the last of me’ She winked.

-------------------

I couldn’t do it anymore. The moment I saw him move that close to her. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I knew what he was doing. Logically I knew he was just playing into the game. Why did it bother me so much? He was my husband but why did I feel like he really just belonged to her. I had to get out of here. I needed some fresh air. 

When I made it to the parking lot I could finally feel the air enter my lungs. I could feel myself calming down. My blood was no longer boiling and I couldn't hear my heart beating in my ears anymore.

That feeling of relief wouldn’t last long though. Spencer had to have been looking for me by now. He could probably tell that he wasn’t going to get anymore answers from her as much as I could. So why did he continue to try?

I started walking towards my car. Spencer had left home to be at work early today. Knowing we will be dealing with Cat. I sighed I just needed to get as far away from him right now as humanly possible. To be honest I was uncomfortable with how close he had gotten to her. He had never lied to me about how he was in fact attracted to her. He told me when we were just friends. That for some ungodly reason he himself couldn’t figure out.

 I knew Spencer Reid loved me. He had a special way he looked at me that made me believe him. He told me every day. He’d randomly blurt it out when we were alone together like he couldn’t hold it in. I thought it was cute and enduring how he always viewed each day with me as a new day to flood me with his ‘I love yous.’ today though I hadn't heard a single one from him.

I slammed my car door and started the car. I sat there messaging Emily to let her know I was heading home and that I wasn’t feeling well. The words on my phone screen began to blur. I started feeling nauseous along with my vision becoming foggy. I could barely make out  Spencer jogging to my car when I felt my world begin to spin. That’s when I noticed the strange smell that was coming out of my ac vents. I quickly started to panic trying to open my car door. It was jammed. I started banging against the window. It wouldn’t break. I even tried turning off my car but it wouldn’t even do that. Every time I did. Something would turn it back on. Spencer never made it to me. Not before I lost consciousness. The last thing I remember hearing before my vision went fully black were the sound of screeching tires. 

Taglist!

@sassymoon @rainsong01 @onlyhereforthefanfics

[catzula]

A bite out of the apple

Synopsis: there was Lilith before Eve came to the picture, and how she told Lilith's story is much different than the way it actually happened.

Pairing: adam!Touya x Lilith!reader

Genre: angst with a bad ending

Warnings: toxic relationship, cursing, mentions of hell, mentions of death, mentions of cheating, one sided love, boi is this hella angsty idk if I missed anything, please lemme know

Some things were hard to forget. 

You still remembered the deafening screams of the man you loved, ringing in your ear, sending chills down your spine with a fear you never tasted. You couldn't forget the smell of burnt flesh, never failing at making you nauseous with how disgusting it smelled. Constantly reminded of the agonizing memory, the way his turquoise eyes burned with pain, silently begging you to save him.

But it was a little too late for that. 

He wasn't the man you had grown to love anymore, not since she had come into your life, but ironically, your love for him never lessened.

Your arms shaking with the fear of death, you stared to the ground that was at least 5 meters beneath you. 'Come on, Lilith. Jump, it's easy, a step forward, and you'll be mine.' The shadow whispered in your ear, and you felt the slight hesitation your body did, almost taking a step forward before you heard Touya's voice that pulled you out of your trance.

"Come on, just do it, already." You heard the boy muttering from the ground. "I can't!" You protested, your heart beating so loud, you were afraid you were going to go deaf. "Come do it yourself if you're so confident!"

Even though you weren't able to see his face, you could feel the grin that appeared on his lips when you told him that. "I'm not the one who climbed there, am I?"

"You were the one who told me to climb and give you an apple!" You cried out, angry at his betrayal. You didn't even like apples, in fact, you hated them, but he still somehow convinced you to pick one for him. And now you were stuck in the tree. 

"I couldn't have guessed you would chicken out." He told you with a chuckle, aware how much he was annoying you. "Shut up before I hit you in the head with one of these." You frowned, biting your lip as you thought of a way of climbing back down without breaking a bone.

"You'll be doing a favor for me if you do." He snickered. "I'll just take the apple and leave you here, free from your constant nagging."

"Touya!" You protested, slightly hurt by his words, and he sensed that too. "Okay, okay, you know I could never leave you." Those words, which anyone else would’ve thought were a gesture of love, weren’t like that at all, and was true. He he couldn't leave you, but you sometimes wondered if he would, given the chance. "Look, place your leg on that branch right there," He guided you, and you did as he said without even thinking. "Place the other one there, good girl, now hold that branch, no- idiot, the other one," Touya kept giving you orders until you had climbed halfway down, and you noticed how he stood right beneath you. 

"Now, let go." Let go, let go, let go, something whispered in your ear.

"What, I can't!" You gasped at his words, noticing how he steadied his legs on the ground, opening his arms to catch you when you did, knowing well you would eventually, you always did. 

"I'll catch you, you know that."

"But what if you can't?"

"I will." He answered, looking at you with unfazed, almost bored eyes, but you knew him too well to miss how alert he was. "You know I can never hurt you, Lilith."

"Don't call me that!" You exclaimed, the name making you flinch in your place. Everyone called you Lilith, it was your name after all, but the shadows did, too. The shadows that were around you since the day you were born, loved hissing your name like a snake. So you were happy when Touya chose to call you your second name, and you always liked the name (Y/N) better, anyway.

"Then jump, (Y/N)!" 

And you did, letting go of the branch you were holding so hard, you felt your hand bleeding slightly. It was mere seconds before strong arms caught you, instantly wrapping and pulling you into his embrace. "Caught you." He whispered, lips touching the shell of your ear, making you shiver from tip to toe. 

You were still trying to get the shock wash off of you, glad he didn't put you down immediately but was still holding you close to him.

"I told you I would catch you, didn't I?" He leaned in slightly, taking a bite out of the bright red apple you were holding in your hand, the motion making it impossible to take your eyes off of him. 

"Huh," he watched the way your lips parted with want. "Did you want a bite? I thought you didn't like apples." He leaned even closer, now face mere inches away from yours. 

"Or is it something else you wanted?" He teased, making you pout. "Stop it, Touya, you know I don't like it when you tease me."

"Oh? But I love to tease you." He chuckled, "I love the face you make whenever I tease you, love the way you try to hide it but can't, and the way you always look at me." He sighed, the motion causing your lips to touch for a second. "I can't seem to give it up, can't you make a compromise for me?"

And even though you always made compromises for him, you agreed. Maybe your agreement wasn't a verbal response, but he knew it by the way your eyes looked back at him, by how you didn't pull back but let go when he kissed you. 

Apples didn't taste as bad when it was him, giving you the taste, you thought. 

But it still troubled you for some reason.

~~~

"I like your hair a lot." You muttered without thinking, running your fingers through his soft locks.

"I don't." He shrugged, but you could see how he relaxed under your touch, an odd feeling of pride filling you at the realization. "It reminds me of father." He went on, surprising you since he never talked more than necessary, especially not when it was about him. "Reminds me of... fire." He finished. 

"It never reminded me of fire." You shrugged. His eyes did remind you of fire sometimes, but his hair, never. "Maybe of apples."

"You know, father never liked you." He suddenly spoke, "I think I like that about you." 

"I never knew why he hated me so." You shrugged. 

"He thinks you're bad for me." He chuckled. "Dear old dad is worried, you see." He turned to you, freeing his crimson locks from your hand, his eyes bright with... madness. "He thinks you're bad, that you lure me to the dark, that you distract me from him." He looked so happy despite the words he was uttering.

"I never lured you to the dark." You always told the shadows to stay away from him, instead. He would’ve burned if you hadn’t stopped them all these years, he would’ve died if you hadn’t stopped him, either, from defying his father, from doing the one forbidden.

"No, but you weren't obedient, either." He told you. "He might be hating you for that, you know."

"I don't obey." You told him. "I know," he answered. "You never did. You always had a mind of your own, always thinking for yourself, never letting anyone else do it for you. Father never liked that for you."

"I don't want his liking, not if I have you by my side."

"You'll get burned if you defy him, Lilith." He told you, but he was smirking, pleased with your answer. It was ironic, you noticed, how you always stopped the man you loved from defying his father, and here he was warning you for the same reason.

"My name is (Y/N)." You answered. "I'm not afraid of the fire, either." You were terrified of it, but not if he was there with you. He stood quiet for a while, just staring at you with a thoughtful smile on his lips. "You're like water, you know."

"What does that even mean?" You giggled. "I don't know." He shrugged. "I guess I'm trying to tell you you're pretty."

You smiled back, but there was an odd urge to cry, hiding behind the smile as your eyes wandered over his beautiful figure. You looked at the purple, blue, green, and yellow bruises littering his arms that were now around you, you always felt like crying when you saw them.

"What is it?" He asked, of course, he had noticed. "Do you think they look ugly?"

You shook your head from side to side. "I never thought you were ugly." You answered, it was true Touya had many ugly things, like his selfishness, his anger, and sometimes how uncompassionate he was, but you could never see him as ugly. "I like seeing them, too. Reminds me of the revenge I want."

You stood silent at that, but he was aware of the tear that slid down your cheek as you traced his bruises, and his hand was wiping the tear off your cheek. "Will you hate me if I kill someone?"

"You know I can never hate you." You answered, and he smiled darkly. "I think you're underestimating me."

"I hope not." You told him, but your words fell onto deaf ears, he was already lost in his thoughts, forgot about you. 

"Dabi." He suddenly muttered. 

"What?"

"Someone told me the name Dabi suits me better." You cringed at his answer. Why did it bother you this much, you weren't sure, but this was more than just a bother, the name scared you, and something in you told you he should never call himself Dabi. 

"I don't like it." You muttered. "Who told you that?"

"No one you should worry about, Lil. You wouldn't like her, anyway." He sighed, but you found yourself gulping at the fond smile on his lips. Her? "How do you know? I should be the one deciding that." 

He shrugged. "You don't like apples, do you? She always reminds me of apples."

You wondered how someone could even remind anyone of apples.

Touya was never in love with you, you knew, he was always beside you because he had to be, and he had grown accustomed to that. It was a deal neither of you chose to make, a promise you didn't give but had to hold. It was decided for you (it was the only promise you’ll let anyone else swear for you), that you were meant for each other, and it was true he was the one for you, but you always knew deep down, you weren't the one for him. 

You wondered if he would leave you if he had the chance. 

So you asked him that. It was a routine between you two, you would always ask him, and he would answer with a grin, telling you he couldn't even if you wanted to. But this time, he wasn't smiling. 

"Don't worry yourself about things like that." He told you, but he wasn't looking at you.

~~~

It wasn't long before you figured why you despised apples so much. 

You were wondering why Touya felt a bit distant lately when you had first crossed paths with her.

"Hey, Tou!" She started running towards you, the basket in her arms full with apples you were afraid were going to fall. You noticed the slight shift in Touya's movements as he noticed the pretty girl that was coming towards him. 

She never stopped running, even when she arrived, jumping at him and making him wrap his arms around her to steady them both. "Hey, Eve." He muttered as he dropped her back on the ground. "Want an apple?" She asked with a smile on her red lips, a smile that looked like they were sharing a joke of some sorts, and it disturbed you more than you could bear, making you look away. 

"Love to." Touya answered, taking one out of the basket, but he didn't bite it. 

"Hey, you must be the infamous Lilith." She turned to you, chuckling at her words. You forced a smile despite the stinging of her words. "Hi, yes, that's me." 

"Huh, I heard you were as pretty as the night, but I thought they were exaggerating! It's obviously true." She chuckled, she had a cute smile, you realized, but there was still something that bothered you about her. The night was an odd word choice, too.

"Thank you, but it's really not true. If there's anyone as pretty, it must be you." You returned the compliment, and you weren't lying, either, since she was too pretty to be true. 

"By the way, Da- Tou?" She muttered sweetly, a blush appearing on her cheeks with her mistake and making her look so innocent despite the mischievous glint in her eyes. "I'm making apple pie with these, visit me later today, maybe?"

Touya shrugged as he started to walk away, but you could feel her smile growing as you walked away. "She seemed... nice." You told him when you were away. 

Touya shrugged. His lips tasted like apples, once again, but it was too late when you noticed he hadn't taken a bite of the apple.

It was all downhill, after that day, though. 

You had noticed an odd shift in other people's feelings towards you. You were loved and cherished by your town, you had always been, but lately, they were all growing distant towards you for some unknown reason. Touya was one of them, too, he had started looking at you with doubt in his eyes, you realized. Whenever you hugged or kissed him, there was always some hesitance, you had started to see him lesser and lesser every day, and you hadn't even talked once this past week.

"Lilith's coming," people of the town whispered before you stepped foot in any place, whispers moving faster than you were. "Be careful," they warned. "Don't look at her eyes."

It took you a while to understand what all this was about. It came in the form of a curious boy. 

"Are you really a demon, like they say?" He had asked as you were walking down the hill. He looked afraid but had a brave face on, and it was obvious his curiosity had outweighed his fear.

"A demon?" You repeated, and he shook his head. You noticed how he refused to look you in the eyes. "Where did that come from?" You asked a little hurt, too. 

He shrugged. "Ma told me to stay away, she said you were the mistress of the satan, and you were dangerous, you were bad." He finally dared to look you in the eyes. "But you're too pretty to be a demon."

You shook your head. "Demons can be pretty, too. You shouldn't decide if someone's bad or not by their appereance." Your answer caused his brows to knit together. "Are you, then?" He asked. "A demon?"

"I'm not."

"You don't eat cats?"

"No."

"Don't make people stray from their path?"

"I don't."

"Don't serve satan?"

"No."

"Don't talk to shadows?"

"W-what?" You gasped, suddenly, your heart was beating twice as fast. His eyes narrowed, widening right after that with fear. "You do! You are a demon!" He shouted, causing the people around you to look and come towards you.

"I told you to stay away from her, boy!" One of the townsfolk shouted, running to the boy and pulling him away from you. "No, I'm not-"

"Shut up, demon! Eve already told us who you are, don't you dare lie." One of them spat, the guy from the bakery, you noticed. He always liked you, always giving you an extra tart with a playful wink when you visited him. 

"Eve?" You repeated, and they all gasped.

"Don't you dare say her name, you'll curse her! Make Satan take her! She told us how jealous you were! How revengeful and how deceitful."

"Jealous? W-why would I be jealous of her?" You asked voice strained with tears. Something told you the answer was going to be something-

"Because Touya chose her over you."

"What? No-" You couldn't even finish your sentence before you felt a sharp sting in your cheek, your head forced to the side. When you looked back at the man in front of you, you saw how his eyes burned with a fire that could only be from hell. 

Calling you the demon, but they were the demons, weren't they?

Look how they're treating you, Lilith. I can make them all burn, make music out of their screams, just for you. All you have to do is choose me over that foolish boy.

He whispered in your ear, the soft touch of the shadow on your arm, the wink of a black snake that hung from the tree. 

"S-stay away from me." You whispered, feeling the fire growing and growing, and you were so afraid.

"Stay away from me before I curse you all to hell!" You screamed in despair, knowing you could only be free if they were afraid of you now. "Before I take all your newborns, before I eat them, stay away!" You screamed, tears streaming down your face, knowing you just guaranteed your death. 

Touya visited you that night.

"You broke your promise." Was the first thing you told him since weeks.

"I don't regret it." He answered, and it somehow hurt more than the fact that he had broken his promise. You looked at him, noticing the exhausted look on his face despite the big smile on his lips, blood covering his body, and the smell of alcohol reeking from him. 

He noticed your gaze."Nothing to worry about." He sighed. "It isn't my blood... most of it, at least."

"This is bad, what even happened?" You asked, tears already lacing your voice at seeing him like this. "No, actually, don't talk, just wait till I bring some bandages." You told him, running back to your room and back to him.

"Hey, don't fall asleep." You spoke when you were back, saw him leaning on the wall, his brows knitted together, crimson locks glowing under the night. 

"Just let me be." He muttered, but he knew you wouldn't.

You cleaned his wounds in silence, he was watching you the whole time. 

"Are you done?" Touya's harsh voice woke you up from your daze, making you realize you had been staring and crying. You clenched your jaw. "I am."

You stood up to leave, but the soft-spoken way your name fell from his lips stooped you. "(Y/N)? Are you leaving?"

You didn't answer him, feeling your heart clenching. "Your shadows won't leave me alone, you know. They've been haunting me every night."

"Why did you do it?" You whispered, broken at remembering he had told your deepest secret to the town, he had caused all this happening to you. 

But instead of a response he just shrugged with a smile. "Eve will help me take revenge from Father."

Your blood froze in your veins.

"We're going to do it tonight." He added, the feeling of somewhat pride filling him when he saw you were afraid.

He was going to steal an angel.

Father gave Touya almost everything he ever wished for, but it was forbidden for him to even see an angel, just as it was for anyone else. Touya grew an odd obsession for them though, he tried to sneak in and take one all his life, but you always stopped him before he had succeeded. And he listened to you, whatever happened, Touya trusted you, after all, but not anymore. 

"Touya, don't- don't do it." You gasped, a feeling in you telling you this was not going to end well. "You can't stop me, I've waited all my life to do this, but you never wanted to, did you? Now there's someone else who is willing to help."

"Touya, please, listen to me-"

"No, you listen to me! You know this is everything I ever wanted, to see Father in agony, and I finally have a chance, and you say no? You know, I never believed it, but Eve was right about you." He chuckled darkly, shaking his head side to side in what seemed like disappointment. 

"What do you mean?" You whispered.

"You're not as good as you show yourself to be, are you?" He chuckled, but it was evident he wasn't amused. His eyes looked at something behind you, smiling wickedly. "Well, that's my cue to leave. I have a life to take, you see."

Life to take? He was going to... kill the angel?!

"No, no- please Touya, please don't do this!"

Your pleas fell on deaf ears as he started walking down the hill to the girl that hid in the dark.

You followed them, you had to, so you could jump in and save him if you could. Whatever he said and did, you could never leave him alone. You were uneasy because of the silence, though. Why were his shadows not following you that night? Why wasn't he there, telling and whispering you to stop and come to him instead? Why was he silent, secretly chuckling from behind you? 

You figured why, soon enough. You hadn't even arrived, Touya was always so fast, but you heard the voices before you were there.

"It was Lilith!" You heard someone scream, a familiar voice now strained with terror. "She was the one who convinced him to steal, father!"

Gasps filled the void that sentence had left. 

"Lilith?" The voice boomed, a deep, scary voice, always so powerful. "Yes! She was the one who gave him the idea and convinced him! I tried to stop them but-"

"Even if it was Lilith who convinced you, you shouldn't have taken advice from a girl like her." Father spoke. "You know the punishment for touching an angel?" He turned to Touya, ignoring the weeping girl. 

"I do." Touya answered, and even though he hid it well, you could see how afraid he was. "It wasn't him!" Eve cried out. "It was Lilith who convinced him, Father, spare him!" 

"Silence!" Father told the girl, and she was running the opposite way almost immediately.

"It was Lilith." People whispered. "She doomed us all, she doomed us all!" People cried, one of them spotted you in the place you were hiding, screaming your name, pulling and pushing you towards the scared people who started to pull your hair, your clothes, some clawing your face as they pushed you towards the man you loved and his father. But it wasn't you who doomed them all, was it? Why couldn't people see it was Touya who did this, but not you?

So what if you weren't born from the earth, but fire as they were? So what if shadows were a little darker when you were around? What if the night was a bit creepier when you were there? Why did that make them hate you so?

"(Y/N)?" Touya whispered, and for the first time in your life, you saw worry towards you in his eyes. "What did you do?" You asked, a sob freeing itself from your lips. 

"Tell me, Lilith, was it you who convinced my son to attempt the forbidden?" Father asked, but you had a feeling he knew the truth, so you didn't answer. 

And then came the screams. 

That awful smell.

The fire felt almost cold. 

It was the blue flames of hell, you realized, it was the same color of his eyes. 

The eyes that were looking at you with despair, fear, and terror, with pain but you couldn't help, could you? He was the one who broke his promise, after all. He was the one who refused your help in the first place. But you tried, despite knowing there was no way you could help him in any way, you still leaned towards him, reaching out to him, despite the pain, despite the way his fire burned you to, you wanted to hold him so he could never let you go.

But he pulled you, instead. 

His touch hotter than the fire burning you, Touya's hand grasped yours, a hold that caused you to cry out in pain, cry out in fear and betrayal when you realized he was pulling you to burn with him, and it hurt, even more, to see him smiling.

Touya was always selfish, after all. You loved him even though he was selfish. Or maybe because he was selfish? You weren't sure, but it felt good to be between his arms, even with the fire swallowing you both up, you still found comfort between the arms that had pulled you in.

He was still Father's son, he was never afraid of burning, father would never kill him. But he would kill you. Touya's Father, as he had previously told you, had never liked you, he wanted you dead. So he was chuckling as you sobbed between your lover's arms, knowing you were going to die there, knowing the shadows were going to swallow you up and take you back to the devil.

You sobbed as Touya smiled, as his Father laughed, as the devil chuckled and the crowd cheered. 

Why were there so many people who wanted you dead? You would never understand. 

[ash19871962]

Sisters

Warnings- Blood, Domestic Abuse, slight mention of suicide (not my choice criminal minds made the story for rosalyn)

Jennifer Jareau x OC Jareau

Having an older sister was sometimes a blessing and a curse. There was absolutely nothing you wouldn't do for her, after everything she had done for you. It annoyed you how quickly you guys would make up after a fight, but she was your best friend.

Both of your childhoods were incredibly different, having grown up in the same house but with totally different atmospheres. When you were two and JJ was 11, your 15 year old sister Rosalyn took her own life.

After that things changed in your house, you don't really remember it too much but Jj would tell you stories about that time. Especially at night when you were supposed to be sleeping, trying to remember a sister you don't actually remember is very difficult.

Of course you've seen pictures of all three of you but she is still a stranger to you. But to Jj it affects her deeply, Ros was her idol.

Sometimes in the back of your mind you wonder if Jj even likes you or is just using you to replace Ros. After all your 9 years younger than her? But she is still your big sister and you can't think of her like that for long.

It doesn't surprise you as you grew up that Jj is everywhere. Anything that happened she was there, when Ricky that snot nose kid from 1st grade punched you in the face, she spent hours in the garage showing you how to block your face.

At 14 years old she had much better things to do but she stayed with you. Cleaned your nose and made sure you didn't tell mom. Your mom was probably more of an absentee parent, like she was there in body but not in mind too much. Jj says Ros took a part of her, but sometimes you feel jipped.

Mom apparently used to laugh and smile, plan fun things for them all to do. But you can't remember any of this. You only remember Jj. She was the only one who looked after you, kept you safe it was almost like she was your mom at times, but you always remember her.

Remembering sharing a bed with her during storms, playing in makeup singing stupid songs, sharing secrets and just plain missing her.

She would be so disappointed if she could see you now. Not really having a choice anymore anyways, telling her is essential but your still scared what if your big sister can't help?

Shivering in the cool breeze taking into account your still bleeding a little you decide it's time to leave. Wiping the blood out of your face as best you can, the gash above your eye stings.

The fight you just had was nothing new, the bruises on you back would testify to that. Even through all this you still don't know how to even tell Jj.

It's not an easy conversation, she is either going to be so mad at you she won't speak to you or so over protective she's gonna kill him.

Your phone on your lap feels heavy, but the nerves in your stomach feel like a lead weight. Opening your messaging app you text her

Aj- Hey jayge Are you busy, can I call?

A couple minutes ago by and she texts you back

Jj- Abs! Hey hun yeah we're almost done with this case, give me a couple hours I'll text before we head to the airport ok? Love you💜

You don't want to be disappointed but you guess it'll have to do. Grabbing your phone making your way into the house stopping briefly to grab a couple changes of clothes and your memory box which has everything important in it including you birth certificate.

Making a split decision you also leave your phone but write down all the important numbers just in case. Knowing by the time Jj texts, you'll either be in the hospital or with her.

Nothing else in this house is important . Feeling like the worst thing possible is being stuck here, you leave and make your way home to Jj.

Getting behind the wheel planning to make such a long drive from Pennsylvania all the way to Quantico or at least as close as you can get.

First things first she needs a Dr, so she decides to take care of that first pulling out of the driveway and driving putting a hospital search in her GPS, locating one two towns over that she won't be recognized in she proceeds there.

Sitting in her car fiddling her humbs working up the courage to move. Finally making the decision you walk in and start a new life.

A nurse approaches you and escorts you to the back, answering questions left and right

Name Abigail Jaraeu

Age 20

What happened... Your not exactly sure how to answer this so you don't answer.

Getting changed into the stupid gown you realize how alone you are. Butterflies fly in your stomach making you almost nauseous.

The Dr, has a knowing look in his eye as he looks over your injuries, noticing more than you realize.

The gash above your eye takes 8 stitches, your nose is not broken but two black eyes are in your future, didn't even notice the split lip until the dr goes to stitch it 3 more there.

Feeling absolutely terrible it's not done, the rest of the body check shows more injuries none of them too serious just painful.

The broken wrist being the worst, mystified that you could drive all the way there without so much as a twinge of pain.

Apparently adrenaline is a real thing.

Shocked as the Dr starts applying the cast, absently shocked and numb to how you you must look.

You just want Jj.

To hug you, to hold your hand, to kiss your forehead, your scared and you want your big sister, but she is at work.

Surprisingly no broke ribs just jarred heavily, and of course the bruises, you are given a prescription for pain and instructions for the cast, and you sign yourself out against what they recommend but you know you are just ready to be with Jj.

The drive from this place to Jj is roughly 5 hours so you get started.

The phone you left at the house has to be found by now. Memories of the fight flash as your merge on the interstate, setting cruise control you let yourself relax.

The shoving, the broken mirror the outrage that you didn't do anything wrong. It made no sense to you, Johnny was supposed to be a good guy, but he ended up being the scariest thing you've ever encountered.

As your driving you remember Jj is on a case so no one is at her house. Your nephews would be with Wills Mom. Maybe you could stay there till they got back you had a key?

In this situation you didn't think she'd mind.

God you were scared, what If she yelled at you? If she did your pretty sure you would crumble.

Driving is incredibly hard with a cast but you have to make due, you have to get there. Once there everything will work out.

Feeling incredibly guilty now, you think should you even bother Jj? She literally has children what if Johnny came there?

You don't think he's that stupid but you never know. Jj would kill him.

Stopping to fill up with gas using most of the cash you have, you keep driving closer and closer to safety.

For probably the quietest drive your ever made in your life you finally make it to Jj's neighborhood.

Concerned now because it's 2 am and the street is completely deserted, you make up your mind to park farther down the road from her house just in case she's actually already home.

The upstairs light is on, and your basically a nervous wreck. All you want is her, but scared in how she's gonna react .

Slowly getting out of your car, you make your way to Jj's porch and knock softly.

Hearing the footsteps, turns the butterflies in your stomach turn to rocks.

Will opens the door angry someone knocked on the door at 2 am. The second he sees your face his jaw drops, and concern fills his eyes.

Your arms are grabbed into a hug, tears finally fall from your eyes as he calls for your sister to come down the stairs.

Obviously Jj took that offensively, as it's 2 am and she only just got home.

Upon seeing you stitched casted and crying in her husband's arms, all composure is gone.

The next couple of minutes are a blur, feeling yourself be transferred into her arms, sobbing uncontrollably, but strangely you feel better.

Her hands are on your cheeks, and her blue eyes are filled with anguish but at that moment you feel safer than you have in a long time.

"What happened to you Abs? I tried calling you and Johnny said you went to bed"

There is a lump in your throat "Johnny did this, all if this"..

Out of the corner of your eye you see Will leave the room, and in that moment you know, you have to tell her everything..

The story spills from your lips, how he stared out like a normal boyfriend, then he just got so angry at everything how the fights started and how this one ended, how scared you were but most of all how you just had to get to her.

Jj stares back speechless and incredibly livid, her baby sister her best friend was hurt, and came to her.

She pulls you into another hug and in that moment it didn't matter how you looked or were you came from, you were home.

Jj would fix everything, and you would never be able to repay her.

[sidhelives]

Leather and Lace

Fen'Harem Gift Exchange 2020

For Jukkari 💕

Full text under Read More

They had spent months beating around the bush. Months of short, professional meetings punctuated by playful jabs and coy smiles. There was something there, even if no one else could see it, she felt it. Like flint and steel they struck against each other and made sparks. They had spoken about it once, agreed that the sentiment behind the flirting was mutually genuine, and… nothing had changed.

Julseithe wanted it to change. She wanted to cup that precious face between her hands and find out what her lips tasted like. She wanted to share a moment that wasn't surrounded by dozens of other people watching her, worshiping her.

She didn't want to be the Inquisitor and Scout Harding, she wanted to be Julseithe and Lace.

Seeing her in the courtyard, Julseithe made the sudden decision that today would be the day it changed. She didn't know how long the scouts would be in Skyhold: they were always moving, brushing in and out of the fortress with more regularity than she did herself, which said a lot. It had to be today, and it had to be now, before she lost her nerve.

Her legs felt heavy and awkward as she crossed the yard, like a newborn halla learning to walk, and she could feel her heart pounding against her ribs. She opened her mouth to call out a greeting and found her tongue bone dry. Before she could wet it and try again, Lace noticed her and waved. Julseithe saw a brightness come to the dwarf's eyes that she wished beyond hope was because of her.

"Scout Harding. Good to see you somewhere not infested with Venatori for a change," Julseithe managed, finding her voice.

"I do need the occasional break, and the free drinks are nice." Lace grinned, nodding her head towards the Herald's Rest.

She had such a beautiful smile. Her eyes sparkled like dew covered grass at dawn. "Would you care for one now?" Julseithe plowed ahead, not allowing herself time to think about the words spilling from her lips. "Since it's my treat either way."

If the invitation surprised Lace, she hid it well. She was, Julseithe reminded herself, the Inquisition's lead scout, it would be more strange if she did visibly react.

"I think I would. Thanks, Inquisitor."

"You can call me Julseithe you know." She spoke too quickly, her nerves creeping up on her.

"Oh? How about Jules?"

"You can call me whatever you want." Julseithe bit her tongue. Too much.

Lace chuckled. "Well alright then, Jules. Shall we go in for that drink?"

She was sure her cheeks were pink, she could feel the heat radiating from them. "Let's." She got the door, holding it open for the scout, and they wordlessly drifted to a table set into a nook in the wall. It was the closest thing to privacy the tavern contained.

"You a mead or an ale woman?" Lace asked as Julseithe sat.

"Mead. Thanks," she responded.

With a curt nod, the dwarf turned and headed for the bar. This left Julseithe alone with her thoughts, which was quite possibly the worst-case scenario. Anxiety ricocheted inside her, colliding with the butterflies in her stomach and making her momentarily nauseous. Get it together Lavellan, she chided herself. It was only Harding after all. They had flirted and joked together dozens of times before, this was no different.

Except that it was different. Different was the entire point.

"Here we are." Lace plopped the full tankard in front of Julseithe with a clank that made her jump. The dwarf laughed apologetically. "Sorry! Didn't mean to startle you. Can't really figure out how to turn off the sneaky anymore."

Julseithe returned a shaky laugh, uncomfortable with her own discomfort. She was the mother-fucking Inquisitor, this shouldn't be this hard. "What are you drinking?"

Lace slid into the seat opposite her and shrugged. "I'm an ale woman myself. Mead is just too, I don't know, sweet for me I guess."

You're sweet enough all on your own anyway. The words were there, they were perfect, but they stuck to Julseithe's tongue like raw nut butter. She cleared her throat. "So how are things going? I haven't seen you since the Hissing Wastes."

"Well, I'm still cleaning sand out of places it has no right being." Lace smirked. "But good otherwise. What about you?"

"Me? Oh, I've been keeping busy. Even when I'm not out closing Rifts and fighting dragons, Josephine keeps me busy with diplomatic meetings."

Lace made a face of disgust. "That sounds worse."

Julseithe laughed, some of her unease receding. "It is. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the Orlesians. No matter how many I meet I never get used to the masks."

"It's weird, isn't it? Like they're always hiding something from you. How do you have a real conversation with someone when you know they're keeping something from you?"

Lace's voice was casual, but Julseithe's anxiety spiked. She laughed, hoping it didn't sound as uncomfortable as she felt, and took a drink, hiding her expression with the tankard. She wasn't keeping anything from Lace, for Mythal's sake she was trying to tell her. Her diversion backfired as Julseithe choked on the thick, sweet mead in her haste and she ended up sputtering like a fool, one fist held against her mouth.

"You okay there, Inquisitor?" Lace tipped her head to one side.

"I'm fine," Julseithe coughed again. "Completely fine. What happened to Jules?"

A flush crept up Lace's cheeks. "Right. Jules. Old habits I guess." She rubbed the back of her neck in a way that reminded Julseithe of Cullen's awkward manner.

The blush made Julseithe's heart race. Do it now.

"There was something I wanted to talk to you about."

Lace recovered her composure, the blush fading, seemingly relieved for the apparent change in subject. "Of course, what's on your mind?"

"I know you said we should talk more about… things after Corypheus was defeated…" Julseithe took a deep breath before plowing ahead. "But I was thinking that we could talk about them sooner than that, like maybe now, or maybe not now but soon, just the two of us."

All the color seemed to drain from Lace's face. "Like… a date?"

Julseithe backpedaled as quickly as she could. "Only if you wanted to, of course. This is fine, just talking about not that, I don't want to put you on the spo—"

"Yes." Lace cut her off, color rushing back to her face until she appeared plum, washing away her freckles.

"Oh," Julseithe caught her breath, leaning back slightly. "Great."

"Where did you have in mind?" Lace didn't look at her as she asked, eyes trained deep into her tankard, and the blush had not faded.

Shit.

Julseithe had not considered that far out.

"I, well, I hadn't actually gotten that far," she blurted honestly, feeling her face approaching a similar hue to Lace's.

Lace peeked over the edge of her tankard at the other woman. "Maybe we could just, take a walk?" She gave an awkward shrug. "The ramparts are usually deserted."

Julseithe blinked at her, dumbfounded. "You mean now?"

Lace nodded, making the whispy curls around her face bob merrily. "I have nowhere to be."

Don't lose steam now Julseithe.

"That sounds perfect." Her voice sounded sure. Hearing it almost made her believe it. She pushed up from her seat too hard, making the chair bump roughly into the wall causing them both to start. A chuckle bubbled out of her throat.

The great Inquisitor, Herald of the Illustrious Andraste, making a fool of herself over a pretty girl.

The laughter was contagious and Lace's blush faded as they both fell into peals of giggles.

"Sorry about that," Julseithe offered, wiping her eyes.

Lace laughed again as she got to her feet. "Don't worry about it. Now when I trip over my own feet and fall on my face it won't seem so dramatic."

They left the tavern, silent except for the anxious buzzing in Julseithe's ears. She cleared her throat to break the strange quiet, which drew Lace's eye. "Do you really think you'd trip?"

"Nerves turn my feet to nugs," she offered as explanation.

Julseithe slowed her pace as they began to climb the stairs. "You're more nervous around me than when you skulk past enemy lines?"

Lace laughed, her perfect teeth catching the sun and making Julseithe's heart flutter. "No competition. The worst a bear or rogue Templar could do is kill me."

"What could I do that's worse than that?" They reached the rampart's peak and, clear of the walls, a gust of wind pushed Julseithe's nut-brown hair across her face. Sputtering, she brushed it aside to find Lace looking at her with a sweet, warm smile.

"That for one." She laughed, then sobered. "Or the way you chew on your lip when you think. The way your hands flutter around your dagger sheaths when you're nervous. You smile and everyone around you can't help but smile too. A million little things that stop my heart."

Julseithe was so red her mouth couldn't find words, she gaped at the dwarf, lips opening and closing before she swallowed hard and found her voice. "You're much better at this than me," she admitted.

"I've been… preparing for a while I guess you could say." Lace's smile was a mixture of sheepish pride

"You're definitely better at that than me." Julseithe remarked and they both laughed.

As Lace had guessed the ramparts were empty except for the two of them, and Julseithe found herself chewing on her lip as they walked. "Could I— I mean, would you be alright if I—" she floundered. Lace had known exactly what to say and she couldn't get out a whole sentence. "Creators save me. May I hold your hand?"

"I'd like that." She offered her hand.

Julseithe knew she looked like an idiot as she took the smaller woman's hand, wearing what Varric called her "shit-eating grin," but she wasn't much concerned with how she looked. Lace's hand bore the telltale calluses of bow work but between these rough patches was soft as silk.

"I haven't been preparing," Julseithe admitted. "So I don't think I can be exactly as eloquent as you were…" She glanced down at Lace's face and found her smiling encouragingly. "But I— well, I just think you're the kindest, prettiest, most interesting person I've ever met. I miss you when I'm gone, or you're gone, or even when we're both here but not together. I love your eyes, and your freckles, and your smile. I think about you all the time, I want to kiss you—"

She inhaled sharply and clenched her eyes shut, feet stalling midstep.

She'd said too much.

Dirthamen take her, she should have known she'd flub it up.

"I think you should."

Julseithe's eyes fluttered open in surprise. Lace was pink, one foot tucked behind the opposite ankle, nervously rubbing up and down.

"You do?" Her heart was hammering in her ears.

Lace nodded quickly. "I don't know if it's really allowed, you're the Inquisitor after all, and I'm, well I'm nobody, but I'd like to kiss you too—"

Julseithe cut off Lace's words, leaning down to press their lips together. She let her eyes drift closed and Lace squeezed her hand in surprise or excitement, but she didn't pull back.

Her lips were so soft and she smelled like fresh rain.

Julseithe relaxed into the kiss, letting her free hand drift up to cup the woman's face, thumb trailing ever so softly over her cheek.

It was better than she imagined, and she had imagined it often.

Reluctantly Julseithe broke the kiss and looked into Lace's clear green eyes. "How was that?"

"Better than I imagined," Lace replied with a breathy chuckle.

Julseithe couldn't stop the laughter that spilled from her throat, water coming to her eyes.

"What's so funny?" Lace tugged on her arm, blushing again.

"I was thinking exactly the same thing." Julseithe confessed.

The slight frown creasing Lace's brow cleared and she echoed Julseithe's laughter. "Do you think it gets better?"

"I think we should definitely try to find out."

[chriswhitewolf]

Okay, so.

A while back I was text ranting to a friend about the stupid crap my parents were doing that week, and my friend kinda just mentioned that it wasn't just jerky but could actually qualify as emotional abuse. For a second I was like "No they're doing their best for me, they just get it wrong sometimes".

And then I actually started thinking on it, cause y'know that's the kinda thing that warrants thought. And the more I thought about it the more I started to agree with her, which worried me cause the reaction of "No it's not" was just automatic and thoughtless.

I read once that the first thing you think is what you've been trained to think, and the following thoughts are your actual opinions. It was talking about like societal standards and judgement but it makes sense to me still here.

Like when I was younger, a few years back, I ran away (wasn't the first time tbh). It was late at night in the very early spring and I walked out of the house in jeans, a t-shirt, and flats. No jacket, no phone, I wandered around my friends neighborhood to try and find her house since I'd only ever been driven there by my dad and didn't really know the way. Anyway, long story short her dad found out I'd run away and called the cops (no one had my mom's number and I wouldn't tell) and they came up and actually asked "Have they ever abused you?"

My response had been "Not physcially." The officers nodded and said "hang tight" and waited for my mom to come pick me up. Nothing was ever said about it, to myself or my mom. They sent me home with her, and I felt absolutely betrayed.

And I started to see things I hadn't wanted to think about before then. Like, when I told my parents that I was terrified of them (I'd spent several of my childhood years suffering reoccurring nightmares of them murdering me and have trauma from it), they responded with "I'm sorry your mind has made you think we're bad."

My dad actually made a verbal threat to kill us in anger over our screwing around together instead of cleaning the living room (I was only about seven or eight). He doesn't remember it happening, and they've excused it under "we say things when we're angry that we don't mean."

My eight/nine year old brother came to my room to comfort me while I sobbed into my pillow for hours over it (after cleaning of course).

And they do that. Everytime I say something about their actions making me scared, or hurt, or me feeling like they're bad or whatever, they say the same basic thing. "We're sorry your brain is twisting things to make us seem like the bad guys."

I'm scared to go make dinner when it's five thirty and I'm suffering hunger pains, because my parents aren't hungry yet so they haven't made dinner, but they'll get upset if I'm making my own food because they had a plan for dinner (even though they make food with primarily things I hate that make me feel sick). So despite my hunger pains at 5:30, I'll wait till 7 when everyone's almost done eating before going and making my own food.

I'm anxious every time I step out of my room, cause that means I might run into my parents, where they're likely to say stuff about me. I absolutely loathe clothes shopping with my mom, cause her style and mine are opposite, but she degrades me for the clothes I think are cute.

I spend the trips standing at her elbow and softly agreeing to her choices as long as it's not something I completely hate. If I wouldn't want to kill myself if wearing it in public, then I'll quietly agree that "yeah that's okay", regardless of my dislike.

My dad has told me, to my face, that I'm dumber than my nine year old, retention challenged niece (WHO I TUTOR), simply because I don't force myself to eat foods that make me nauseous or burn my tongue or throat. I'm picky, so I'm retarded. My mom laughed from a few feet away. I hid in my room and cried for half an hour.

My mom forced me to try on a dress I'd adamantly told her I absolutely hated. When I stepped out of the changing room to show her, she told me I looked "Like a doll". I spent the rest of the shopping trip biting my tongue to keep the tears away. I had a sore throat the rest of that day.

And still when I try and even think of attaching the word "abuse" to this treatment, to this complete anxiety and fear and the endless hours spent crying into my pillow to muffle the sobs until I pass out from fatigue, my mind recoils and automatically goes

"It's not abuse."

"Mom is a social worker. She spent seven years as an abuse investigator for children."

"She's doing her best, you can't ask her to bend over backwards just cause you're overly sensitive."

I've always thought that everyone relates to the song "Let You Down" by NF. Everyone hears that song and has a seemingly endless series of memories that perfectly match the lyrics. I thought it was normal to be afraid of upsetting your parents because they would say things that tore your self esteem to shreds.

I don't know what to think anymore. My mind is so adamant that This Is In No Way Abusive, but I also know that this isn't normal.

It's not normal to be unsurprised when your parents promise to stop saying hurtful things each day is broken three days in.

It's not normal to be 19 and feel it necessary to inform your parents of every plan you have of leaving the house to see friends, and give them an estimated time you'll return home.

I don't know what I'd say if someone else told me these same things. I don't know if I'd call it abuse, because I can't imagine it being different for me. I can't separate myself from the auto response of "It's fine" in order to examine the situation without desensitization.

But I know it's not normal.

What is it, though?

[bandomgay]

My brain to yours pt.1 b.u

Tw: blood,gore,self harm,violence,hallucinations,slight mention of an ed

Au: hey babes this is gonna be my 5th time trying to post this and i want death so bad...however if there is any confusing things or typos or things seem to quickly paced im sorry thats just my brain babey! Enjoy...i guess

Word count: 1,894

It all started when he was about 6 years old, he never spoke ever,not that he couldn't he just wouldn't, his parents were worried about his development,however nothing was ‘wrong', he had a quite developed thinking process for a child, but it wasn't a good one for his age nor was it a normal one,no child should be so terrified of talking to people and being thought lesser of as his voice shook violently while trying to say the easiest of sentences.

he understood people to early into his young life ,he got the memo that everything was too stupid and too hard to understand so he gave up . his mother took him back and forth to hospitals and child psychologists ,his mother scared for what was to come of him could this weirdness she didn't even have a name or diagnosis for develop into something more as he grew? She thought, would he be normal? Would he be like the other children who laughed and giggled at the littlest of things? Would he be happy like them? She had decided to push her concerns into the back of head deciding that maybe he was just awkward it's okay to not fit in hes a fucking 6 year old boy maybe it's not that deep.

he was now in the 3rd grade now and teachers became more and more loud and responsive with their problems, he thought maybe whatever bad stuff they had going on at home they just needed to vent threw aggressiveness and shaking hands and restless mornings,but however it was their screams he didn't care for, he looked them in the eye wondering what he had done wrong, however he didn't care enough to continually think about it, but he realized slowly that couldn't feel anything like the red faced teacher did, he’d envy the poor mannered teachers feelings if he could, just how they could get so angry and fed up with kids who were disgusting and vile and how he never felt that…... he never felt anything at all .Now he was in the 5th grade he had to repeat the 4th grade due to staggeringly low grades and his failed attempts at homework he never seemed to have remembered. Things were getting hard to remember, so hard to remember what the teacher had said in the classroom that seemed to fade away after he was picked up by his mom and the sheer silence of the drive home and his mothers sneaking looks into the mirror with furrowed eyebrows at her son who never told her how his day went.

In school it was just so easy just to drift off in the land of dark swirls and dark worlds filled with make believe that he couldn't separate from the real world that never seemed to go away and darkness he felt comfort in his head till he heard nothing but the disgusting laugh of a teacher who had looked as if she wanted to deck him in the face ( he imagined about 3 different scenarios of how that actually could have occured, he held back a giggle and a sly smirk) as she snapped her wrinkled hands in his face “earth to brendon” he heard the aged feminine voice laced with anger repeat twice but he had failed to tune into the first reminder he was too dissociated to notice, he came too but didn't understand her reasonings of not just leaving him alone and let him rot and break free and he soon heard the fits of laughter coming from children he knew he was too weak to stop.

he wanted to do terrible things to everyone in that very room including himself, a dark desire he couldn't contain from his mind but he never followed through with these type of thoughts. he could never seemed control them he thought of them like messages being sent from an unknown source in the back of his head that had an invisible connection to someone he could see but nobody else could he dared himself if he could just pull at the cord in his head he wouldn't have those those thoughts, the figure never showed up in the same form it could be the shadows of dirty rain water coming from outside showing like a projection on the dingy beat up wall rising above him to claim a mental dominance , or the rotten stain of mold on the bathroom floor that now seemed to have a charming glow yet secretive smile or the bag of dirty clothes that sat high up on its rounded edges now smiled at him and watched him threw the night .

now it was the 7th grade and things had went to shit,it was already shit but it had gotten no better, fits of depression had left him wanting to call a hitman on himself and letting himself be cut open so all the organs in his body to be shot out of him or rip his jaw and everything behind it out of his body but he was too fatigued to think about it anymore his brain seemed to have stopped working back in the 6th grade, he could never think clearly a heavy fog on his brain he could never do much for himself he found the most simple of things he couldn't do, he couldn't pay attention, he felt dizzy at random times becoming feverish and not thinking about why because he couldn't think he thought process lessen and lessened with every passing day until all there were was thoughts of gore and death,sadness and the never ending thought of killing anyone or anything that had managed to make him want death even more.

he just continued to fade in and out of reality staring into the wall for to long or unknowingly staring at the couple of people who he thought was calling him pathetic and worthless with the contradictory voice telling him he's so much better than the disgusting people he saw and that they didn't deserve to smile they don't deserve happiness even though they’d never even spoken a word to him, they were never mean to him. he started pinching,stabbing,pulling at his hair,clawing at himself hard trying to see if he could care that he'd just hurt himself he continued to hurt himself hoping somewhere in the back of his mind he start to feel things, to show him he's real everyone sees him, but his inner self knew what he was doing he wasn't just trying to see if he was a real person he was punishing himself because he couldn't do what the rest of the real kids could do he couldnt plop himeself in a hard metal chair and take a test without thinking about what a disgusting person he was, without hearing them say he wasn't shit that his brain is mush that he couldn't understand the easy directions how he could get so angry and mad without hesitation how he could imagine killing his parents im cold blood… he stomped on his own foot,why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this why, they creeped back up on him showing him images of his brother and sisters dead and gutted his parents choking on blood and vomit pale and dying, he hated himself for thinking these things,but if it was possible for him to be completely honest with himself he didn't care if they had died or not he just didn't have the ability to care.

He couldn't look people in the face without seeing these images of grewling faces pushed together in piles of pink and red flesh crawling into each others organs which looked rotten and distorted, why was he seeing this things these disgusting things these things… he wouldn't admit to himself that everytime he looked in the mirror he tried not to vomit he tried to hard, he bashed in the mirror bloodlying his hand, his hiss echoing in the empty bathroom he couldn't go to the nurse he couldn't look her in the eye and see her like that, besides he was on the first floor and he was too weak to go all the way to the fourth floor he knew he would pass out, he felt something pooling in his stomach it was anxiety he felt the cramping in his stomach and the salivating in his dry mouth, he vomited into the sink, he hasn't eaten anything in about 3 weeks so the pain of dry heaving for almost half in hour into the sink made him dizzy and ultimately pass out. he had now awoken to bright lights that made him nauseous and whimper, he was in the hospital again. he tried so hard not look the nurses and doctors in the eye and seeing horrific images in his mind of them dead, rotten maggot filled and bloody be he regained his ability to see the normally after a while.

“Brendon honey…” his mommy's voice was there “mommy...hi mommy” he said in a broken whisper. She had realized he never calls her mommy unless something's wrong he wasn't aware that he was, he turned to the right finding an iv carefully placed into in scarily pale arm “honey...they found you in the bathroom your hand was cut up...you where passed out what...t?” she silenced herself for a moment seconds later starting up again. “They found you in the bathroom..the mirror was broken and your hand was cut pretty deep and passed out” he mouth trembled a bit, she moved his sweaty bangs out of his forehead, he felt wetness on his skin his own uniform shirt clinging to his skin he was sweating.

He didn't feel real he didn't respond properly to what she had said he only looked away.. And said “dizzy….everything hurts…” he was so surprised he felt something but if feeling was like this he didn't want it. “I d..don't wanna feel like this..can you make it stop mommy please?!” Nani was absolutely terrified she'd never been so scared for her little boy, “its gonna be okay,sweetie...i swear..to god i swear…” in this moment if she was honest she didn't believe there was a god, no god would do this to her son, she turned around after hearing the door and hard footsteps.

“Hello ms. Urie im dr. Yakima, i will be assisting and diagnosing your son” she nodded softly wanting her son to be okay. “Hey son,open your eyes for me,i'm here to help” brendon heard a much more distorted version of what the doctor had said than nani did, but then again he was fading in and out. He handed her pills and said firmly “these are anti-nausea and pain killers i'm gonna give these to him and he will feel much much better i promise..” He was right it with his cocked up eyebrow and charming smile that sparkled with calmness and reassurance that worked its way into nani. the medication  worked but not instantly. “Sit up honey..” She said softly, he followed what she said slowly with a wrecked groan and intense muscle pain however there was no rush.

[seththemusehub]

not sure that I've posted much about it on here, but. I have an eating disorder. it's kind of an overlapping mess of a bunch of contradictory brain garbage.

I have problems getting myself to eat normally. most days I only eat dinner, because somebody else is making it and I am Expected To. I feel guilty about doing so, because That Is Food They Could Be Having Instead Of Me, but not going out to the dining room is worse because then I Am Being Ungrateful. I hate going to try and cook something because it always feels like I am In The Way and Being A Bother. If I clean up after myself and leave no evidence I was out there, I am Being Sneaky And Insincere, and if I leave anything where it's visible, I am Being A Burden By Leaving Work For Other People.

when I go shopping for food, I end up sneaking a significant amount of it to my room to eat, because I lived in an environment where if I didn't do so, I wouldn't GET any. which leads to the wonderful conflict of 'if I try not to eat all of this in one sitting it will vanish before I can get to it later, but on the other hand eating six containers of fresh mozzarella, a tub of frosting meant for a boxed cake I picked up, three 17 oz bottles of dr. pepper, and a whole bag of chips with dip in one sitting does not feel good and I feel a constant blanket of shame when I am doing so.' I hoard nonperishable stuff in my room. I have four boxes of cereal I haven't eaten out of in months but can't really seem to get myself to toss them.

I have texture problems, so some stuff I just straight up can't eat. things like rice, spam, yogurt with whole fruit bits in it, stuff that's slimy, gelatin stuff like jell-o and sometimes even stuff like no-bake cheesecakes that rely on gelatin to set up, I can and will end up sick over it. if I overeat something one too many times, it gets added to that list, like skittles. I ate an entire pound bag of skittles in one sitting once, made myself sick, and haven't been able to even look at them without feeling nauseous since. sadly, they took starburst with them. I had a specific brand of canned ravioli I liked that I got sick after eating once, and I can't eat them anymore. they're still good! they taste good! but my brain goes 'SHIT, FUCK, THAT THING MADE ME THROW UP ONCE, NOPE, ABORT MISSION, THAT'S NOT GOING IN THERE.' I've had friends trick me into eating something I've told them I will get sick if I do, because of my brain, and immediately after they had their laugh and told me what they did, I went and got sick. exactly like I told them I would. it's not fun!

I kinda hate going out to eat sometimes too because I WANT to try new stuff, but half of the time when I do it sets off one of my Food Things and I can't finish it, and get complained at for wasting money. or someone makes a comment about it that rubs JUST the wrong way and makes my brain go 'okay that's enough everything for today, time to shut the fuck up and isolate and probably not eat again for a while just to be sure.'

this initially started out as a 'please don't jump to conclusions when people say stuff about not being able to eat a thing and it's not an allergy' post, then halfway through writing it I remembered my mom telling me that a mini fridge in my room to keep stuff my brain was worried about having taken when I'm not paying attention (a big fucking problem which causes a lot of binge eating) was just me being lazy and not wanting to walk to the kitchen to get stuff and other stuff I've had happen where food is concerned.

also, let's be honest...I'm trying really hard to work on my eating disorder bullshit and part of what I have been told by the therapist helping me work through it is that being open about it helps. asking for support helps, if there's something people can do or say. and I figure that putting this somewhere visible means maybe someone else going through this can run across it and know they aren't alone. which, really, is something that helped when it happened to me, so maybe it'll make them feel a little bit better too?