#but listening to i'm glad my mom died was pretty easy to me i really liked it

[nadjabear]

Me: "Yeah I've been listening to the audiobook I'm Glad My Mom Died and it's been pretty good so far" Friend: "That book is so sad tho"

5 minutes later

Me: "Look I just read this one and it was pretty good!" *points to My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness* Friend: "That looks like it's a pretty depressing book" Me: "It is but it's really good :D"

Another 5 minutes pass

Me: "Alright I'm going to buy this book!" Friend: "What's the name?" Me: "The summer Hikaru died" Friend: "WHY ARE YOU ONLY READING SAD BOOKS!?"

[bonesandthebees]

after barely reading (published) books for the past few years, I finally got back into reading around the end of 2023. I ended up reading 6 books total in the year, which isn't a lot but in total fairness I'd only read two books into november. then I read the other 4 all between november and december.

anyway in case you're curious what I read in 2023 was

I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy (listened to it as an audiobook when I was driving from New Jersey to Florida, I think McCurdy is an incredible writer and her authorial voice was so unique especially with the way she adjusted the writing style based off her age in the time period being talked about. incredibly raw and painful to listen to)

Game of Thrones by George RR Martin (worked through it so slowly from february all the way to november, I tried watching the first episode of the show while I was reading it and I got so pissed off at how much the show changed and flattened out characters, especially the women)

She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan (amazing, showstopping, absolutely love the exploration of gender and sexuality in it along with the constant push and pull between morality and ideas of destiny and grandeur. It's set in China during the time when the Mongols ruled and that's a time period I didn't know much about before reading so it was incredibly interesting to learn about, and I cannot wait to read the sequel)

Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn (definitely still think Gone Girl was better, but I adore Flynn's writing and how she explores incredibly fucked up women and their relationships)

The Poppy War by RF Kuang (wasn't my favorite, I've heard amazing things about RF Kuang as an author and I really like her writing style, but I know this was her first novel and it definitely feels like a new author kind of book. Loved the worldbuilding and thought it was super fascinating and appreciated the grim and brutal depiction of the realities of war. didn't grip me as much as I wanted it to. very excited to eventually read Babel though)

and then

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon (one of my new favorite books ever. literally could talk about it for ages. amazing worldbuilding and a plot that takes you all over this incredibly detailed world, a fantastic cast of characters who are all so nuanced, a very deftly woven plot, gorgeous writing style, lovely wlw romance, just such a great epic high fantasy novel) (it's over 800 pages but didn't feel that long at all it's so easy to get into)

my goal for 2024 is to read at least 20 books which might not seem like much to some people but considering reading 5 books in 2023 was more than I've read in the past 3 years combined I think it's a pretty fair goal. probably will ramble about my to read list here soon, I've already started reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes which I'm really enjoying so far. as always I love Suzanne Collins' writing style :)

[ofliterarynature]

APRIL 2024 WRAP UP

[loved liked ok nope dnf (reread) bookclub*]

Death in the Spires • Heartstopper Vol 4 • Heartstopper Vol 3 • To Marry an English Lord • The True Queen • (Heartstopper Vol 2) • Fun Home* • (Arabella of Mars) • I’m Glad My Mom Died • (Sorcerer to the Crown) • And Then There Were None • Vassa in the Night • Queen of the Night • The Other Significant Others • Most Ardently • The Reformatory • The Book of Love

Read: 14 (10 audio, 4 print, 3 DNF)

The Other Significant Others (5 stars)- I've been anticipating this one ever since I first heard about it and it didn't disappoint! Not only does it tell the stories of people in close, non-traditional relationships, it also talks about marriage, raising kids, and aging, and it was all incredible. I've recommended this in the tags of so many posts and I need y'all to read it.

Queen of the Night (3 stars) - I've heard this glowingly recommended. I liked the author's story in the Sword, Stone, Table anthology. The events in the book are incredible! I should have been fascinated! But I was so bored! Part of it was that the mystery/thriller element in the description - someone has written an opera based on the main character's scandalous secret past, who could it be? - was extremely oversold, most of the book is recounting said past events, and we don't really dive into the present mystery until the very end. I've read similarly slow books so I don't know why I didn't like this, but I wish I'd dnf'd it. I'd recommend you try The God of Endings by Jacqueline Holland instead.

Vassa in the Night (4 stars) - this one surprised me! It's YA, I've heard pretty mixed reviews, and it's been sitting on my shelf for a while - starting it, the VERy in-your-face YAness almost threw me off but I'm very glad I stuck through it. I live for magic and fairy tales being dumped into modern times, and the really smart thing about this book is that it keeps a very tight focus (no space for the larger worldbuilding to fall apart lol). We've got a morally-grey magical doll companion who's a kleptomaniac and will eat you out of house and home, Baba-Yaga and her 24-hour convenience store on chicken feet, her disembodied hand assistants, weird guy on a motorcycle, and oh yeah, if they catch you stealing they'll put your head on display (and they're not above framing you to do it). Yes this is perfectly normal, why do you ask? I'm not saying it's perfect, but I had such a good time!

And Then There Were None (4 stars) - my first real attempt at Christie! I did enjoy listening to this, enough that I think I'll try some other Christie, but it wasn't entirely to my taste. I prefer having a detective figure in the story to follow, and the "reveal" after was disappointing.

Sorcerer to the Crown (3.5 stars) - this was a reread, and I definitely liked it a lot less for some reason this time? Maybe it was changing formats, but I love a historical fantasy romp and this should have been right up my alley! The True Queen (4 stars) was much more enjoyable, so maybe it was the characters, maybe it was the rereading itself. I think this might be my sign to call it quits with Zen Cho.

I'm Glad My Mom Died (4 stars) - this isn't really one I think I'd have ever picked for myself even though it got popular, except that my book-club friend recommended it. I'm finding that I'm not really one for memoirs, but despite the heartbreaking contents this was very easy to read - largely chronological with short chapters, and the author is clearly aware that things were bad even when her younger self did not. I accidentally started this when I was also reading Fun Home, so that was a lot of bad-parent-memoir at the same time, oops.

Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic (4 stars) - I've been eying this one for a while and am glad to have gotten it on the list for book club! Deeply fascinating, if not always an easy read - the subject on one hand, but the density of the pages, the differences between the comic panels and the narration outside them, and the jumping through time that memoirs do sometimes made events hard to follow. I admit my favorite parts were seeing the different queer books Bechdel slipped into her illustrations (one that I'm reading right now even!).

Arabella of Mars (4.5 stars) - Y'all, we are sleeping on this book, I had so much fun! Here's to girls dressing as boys, sailing ships, steampunk space travel, and vibes straight from early sci-fi adventure novels. I can't believe I forgot about this and am just glad I picked up a copy at the library sale to make myself reread it. I do apologize for thinking this was YA (which it isn't), but further thoughts on that and the rest of the series will have to wait for next month.

Heartstopper Vol 2-4 (5/5/4 stars) - finally! I read part of the comic online ages ago, and read Vol 1 for book club the other month, but I finally got started on the rest of the series. I had definitely read through Vol 2 previously, but everything else was new to me. I had a good time, but Vol 4 was a bit of a(n expected!) downer, and the time jump in the middle ruined the flow a bit for me. I do have Vol 5 in my hands currently, and if I didn't have so many other things to do I'd be tempted to do a big Alice Oseman re/read.

To Marry an English Lord (4 stars) - I encountered this at not one, but TWO unrelated book sales before I caved and bought it. I enjoyed it! It's mostly a sort of overview/reference covering the period around the Gilded Age - the New York upper crust, the European Aristocracy, and the various societal events that lead to a pattern of marital exchange. Did I skim the bits where it just listed name after name after name? Yes, but! Highly recommend to anyone reading romances or general fiction set in the period, I really wish I'd read this before trying The Age of Innocence! (its also very funny how occasionally it makes references that make it very obvious it was written in the 80's lol). Pairs incredibly well with another book I bought at the same sale, The Divorce Colony by April White.

Death in the Spires (3.5 stars) - I love KJ Charles, but I've often felt that her plots and romances can sometimes be at odds - so I was very excited when she said she'd written a mystery! But I'm lukewarm about it at best. The campus novel portions were fascinating, and I'd have loved more of them. But Jem as our narrator just wasn't engaging for most of the book. I wouldn't say it's his fault necessarily, but he's not really a good detective, there are either no clues or they're just going in circles, and the promised attempts on his life just aren't happening. Once we hit the 2/3 mark, where we're on campus, have more characters together, and they're talking - that's when things got good! Maybe this will be be better on a reread, but for now my hopes are for some good fanfic. Would recommend more to the dark academia people rather than mystery fans.

DNF

Most Ardently (20%) - the vibes were very much, "here's my blorbos, I'm putting them in a Pride and Prejudice AU." Which is great, if that's what you want! It was not what I wanted alas. Biggest cons, the de-ageing of the characters and the generally modern YA/queerness. Pros, they did keep all of the other Bennet sisters! I was so tempted to keep reading just to see how Oliver and Darcy got together, but I knew I wasn't going to enjoy myself. Would have loved to see this presented as an original work rather than an adaptation, or as something hewing closer to the original tone and period of the novel.

The Reformatory (43%) - this was good, really! It's just that I'm only so-so on horror on my best days, and both story lines were sad and dark and depressing. I could have probably handled one or the other, but I wasn't really having a good time (that's not the right phrasing exactly, but you know what I mean). I had other things I wanted to read and it was a long book.

The Book of Love (6%) - I've heard multiple people sing the praises of Kelly Link, so while I wasn't really drawn by the description, I thought I'd give it a shot! I did, and it still didn't draw me in. Maybe I'll give it a try again someday, but I think I'll try her short fiction first.

[iwonderwh0]

omg thank you for reminding me to finish I’m Glad My Mom Died. I was reading it a little too lazily and forgot it existed lol. How are you liking it?

I like it, it has this really simple language that is easy to follow, never had to stop it to search up some unfamiliar words, which is nice. I mostly listen to the audio version when I go to gym and time flies hah. I'm only about half way through tho, but damn, description of how her mother basically teached her an eating disorder....fuck, I now can't help but think of how common could this practice be. When a parent with eating disorder passes it to their kids, I mean.

And a question to you also, you mentioned altered carbon and the description sounds pretty interesting, how do you like it? Also, there's apparently a series based on this book, have you seen it? Would you recommend?

OH, and the big sleep! Just googled it and now curious, tell me about it.

[button-brr]

it's strange to have read Jeanette Walls' The Glass Castle and immediately follow it up with Jennette McCurdy's I'm Glad My Mom Died.

(thank you Tumblr for an easy time italicizing that. if I fucked up one of their names I hope God smites me dead. and soon.)

they both had very narcissistic parents, you really hate their parents for them. to me Rex Walls, the dad, and ms cancer mom, Debra, are the problem parent. Jennette is under so much control (and I should admit rosemary is shit but she's a whole other problem I won't get into right now) and forrce from her mother her whole life, while rex has such a lack of control and discipline, which forces Jeanette into survival mode. she works to live with desperation and the whole time her dad's "cheering her on" from the sidelines not contributing anything whatsoever. in fact actively harming via neglect. Both people have a problem seeing reality. it takes. a certain amount of attention to raise a child. throwing them to the wolves is bad. training them to do everything you dreamed of and allowing no dreams of their own also pretty fucked up. I think these fuckers are like bad soup. it's not hard to make a decent soup or get one from a damn can. it's a struggle to make bad soup. and yet, here we are, drinking sock water.

ahem

they don't let their children find their identity. they force them into roles. Jenn, Netty, nett, is the actor, the child, the forever baby. Mountain Goat ?? ms Jean is a golden child but also a parent-ified kid cause she has to be the one to tell the adults what to do. they literally won't even listen half the time. she s not even your mother why does she have to scold you like she is

like the lesson is, when kids want to be treated like adults, they should be. but not all the time and not your own fuckin kids lmao

it shouldn't be hard to be a better parent than most. to be an average pearrent, at least. it takes a certain person to fuck up your child so bad they write a memoir focusing on the fucked up things you did.

it's so hard to tell what is good and bad from inside that life, but when you shine a light on those behaviors, you can see the patterns and recognize the dangers.

when you tell your story it hurts, admitting you lived this bad. you see the errors of your parents ways. you realize they're not the god they acted like they were. it's bittersweet to have lived it. you have those painful moments but all the good memories too. and the days they showed up. but these sorts of days should be the rule, not the exception.

next up I'm gonna watch Matilda and think harder about all this. currently accepting any other book recommendations about an abused little kid and their parents.

[evilwickedme]

What are some of your favorite books?

Sorry for taking so long to answer this when I asked for Qs on my birthday I really did expect something easier to answer

Anyway top books are the raven cycle and I've greatly enjoyed anything else of Stiefvater's I've read (except shiver), almost anything written by v e Schwab (notable exception is this savage song, I didn't even read the sequel) the night circus and the starless sea, the six of Crows duology, king killer chronicles (which sucks bc the third book is definitely never coming out) especially the slow regard of silent things, and I don't care what people say about how cringe it is the all for the game series is so important to me

I also love anything I've read by Diana Wynne Jones although I haven't read even a fraction of her writings - like uh eight or nine books I think? I have a few more I haven't read yet I'll hopefully get to soon but like I think she wrote like 30 or 40 books. Ella enchanted and the brothers lionheart are a couple of my childhood favs. The strange and beautiful sorrows of ava lavender is a book I read in like early hs that I thought I might've overhyped in my head but then I reread it a couple of years ago and it's SO GOOD. I listened to the entire murderbot diaries a few months ago, fucking delightful. The lies of locke lamora is so good. Spinning silver and uprooted are PEAK. I haven't finished the sequels yet but the fifth season is so fucking good if you've been afraid it's overrated it really is not. The Carls duology by hank green is also really good

Special mention to never contented things which is one of the books that affected me the most ever but I've never managed to reread and I honestly can't recommend it easy bc it's pretty dark but if you look up the trigger warnings and want to give it a short go ahead

For classics, pride and prejudice and emma are easily my favs. I love Emily Dickinson's poetry so much I dedicated my book to her (link in bio if you want to check it out 👀👀)

I have another ask waiting for me asking for my fav comics so I'll put that aside for now

I also really like listening to celebrity autobiographies and there's some rly mediocre ones but there's also ones I can't recommend enough. Obviously we've all heard of I'm glad my mom died, I think it was my top read of 2022 don't quote me on that tho I have shitty memory. Born with teeth by kate mulgrew is something truly special, I don't have the words honestly. Where am I now by mara wilson made me cry in public. I don't really read much nonfiction that isn't autobiographies (I'm working on it but it doesn't grab my attention as easily) but denial by deborah lipstadt is really good, I liveblogged reading that a few years ago

Obviously I've read and loved so many more books but I think this is so long as is! Yeah it's a hectic mix of many genres (fantasy scifi contemp romance poetry autobiographies adventure) and target age groups (all ages and ya and na and adult), but every single one of these is a genuine rec that I love. Thank you so much for asking!!

[queen-of-songs]

The Accidental Crush of Sansa Stark and the recurring annoyance that followed- Chapter 2 pt.2

"You have two warnings and then I have to tell Davos that he needs to call your parents."

"Thank you so much for the second chance, Miss Sansa."

"You're welcome, Jon. Make sure to be good from now on." Sansa laughed.

"I'll do my best," A smirk played on Jon'sface while Sansa prayed her cheeks weren't getting warm as she smiled back before retreating to the couch.

I hope I didn't walk too fast over here.

She looked down at her phone and opened her Spotify to listen to music to distract for the rest of her break as she prayed she'd soon hear Jon's footsteps go down the stairs. She scrolled and finally found one of her favorite songs. Her right ring finger hit the button on the right earbud and Paul Jason Klein's voice began echoing the thoughts running around in her mind.

"I don't know when this tornado hit

You're from the east coast, so let's both call it

A hurricane

A hurricane

Pacin' through the, the back of my mind

Maybe you've been a storm all this time

A hurricane

A hurricane."

"You have a beautiful voice, Sans," Jon uttered behind the couch, startling her a little bit

Shit. Why did I have to sing along out loud? Why is he even still here?

"You scared me," Sansa looked down at her phone in hopes to make her flaming red blush less obvious and paused the song.

"I'm sorry. I uh... I was about to leave and then I heard you singing one of my favorite songs by my favorite band." Jon shrugged as he sat on the couch beside her.

"You like LANY?"

"A bit shocking isn't it?"

"I mean...yeah. I thought you'd be more into rock and alternative."

"I do love rock and alternative very much, so you aren't wrong there." Jon scooted a little closer and faced her. "I love LANY because it was the first concert I went to and the song Hericane was my mom's favorite too." Jon sadly smiled as he broke eye contact and looked at the ground. "She loved it because it reminded her and my dad's messy relationship." Jon began cracking his knuckles.

"Uh... he was married to my stepmom when he met my mom. He was a professor and she was his GSA. My dad was really stressed out because after my brother Aegon was born, Elia fell into a coma because the birth went terribly wrong. Things were pretty grim and my dad was convinced he was going to become a widow. Then out of nowhere, my mom just plopped into his life after a bad breakup made her transfer to his university. My mom liked him but kept him at distance for a good while. But then one day the doctors told my dad sooner or later that he'd have to make a decision to keep Elia going or not. So my dad irrationally went to my mom's apartment and well...they gave in. A couple of days later, Elia woke up. You'd think that would surely stop any further escapades. It didn't. As Elia was getting therapy on how to talk and move again, my mom and dad continued their affair. It went on for several months." Jon swallowed.

"Things changed when Elia was assigned Dr. Dayne as her physical therapist. He was Elia's old flame before she met my dad. My dad began getting jealous ironically enough after noticing all the attention she was getting from him. He ended things with my mom after he realized how much he still loved Elia and my mom left Kings' Landing with a hurt heart and conscience. Elia suspected something going on in my dad's soul. So she did was she does best and confronted him. He admitted to the affair and said he wanted to get couples counseling because he loved her. Elia, the most honorable woman with a forgiving spirit, forgave him and they rebuilt their marriage to something even stronger than it had been before. Meanwhile, my mom was pregnant with me. She didn't tell him about me until she...." Jon took a deep breath. "Until she got ovarian cancer. On her side, I didn't have any family. It was me and her for fifteen years. Then she died and I moved to live with my dad and stepmom. I was sure Elia was going to hate me because I was the living proof her husband wasn't faithful. But she proved me wrong. She embraced me with open arms and made me feel at home. She's the best stepmom I could ask for." Jon's gray eye were a little misty.

"Fuck, I'm sorry for practically word vomiting all over you." Jon laughed sadly.

Sansa then reached over to grab his hand.

“Don’t apologize, it’s good to get things off of your chest. It releases tension and stress from your body. I word vomit all the time....”

Jon looked at her with a half smile on his face as he shook his head. “Trust me, you don’t. I know a woman who does it all the time... You speak and serve with grace, elegance, and patience. You’re also really easy to talk to.”

Jon broke into a full smile and Sansa couldn’t help but return it.

“I was thinking the same thing. I’m glad we’re friends now.” Sansa quickly looked sneakily at the ground as she felt her cheeks beat up.

I wish I had a disguise or a cloak of invisibility like a superhero.

“Are you coming to late night tonight?” Jon asked.

“Are you?” Sansa rose an eyebrow at him. It was karaoke/lip-syncing night and Jon didn’t strike her as the type to enjoy that activity but rather enjoy fellowship with fellow counselors and support staff.

“I might bring a book.” Jon smiles and Sansa laughed.

“I might come. I’m not sure though. Mya might need my help or something.” Sansa shrugged and Jon stared at her for a moment. His soft gray eyes softened.

“I hope you come tonight.” He nodded and then gathered his stuff to leave while Sansa placed her face in her arms.

Stupid butterflies. You can’t go away even when I’m trying to attempt to be his friend. What the hell am I doing????

[stateofgrace1303]

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

[aubrey-plaza]

Hey Devil!! Somehow your Silence doesn't mean anything fic came to my mind as it seems I'm unable to sleep and I wanted to know if you could give me some hcs? I mean.. your update is taking forever and I need to be feed. Thank you :)

hi love!

Did you want past headcanons or future headcanons? 

While you mull that over, I’ll leave you with this little ficlet that I cut out (it takes place pre-Christmas, sometime during Chapter 4)

“Tell me about your family?” Aubrey asks one evening when they’re settled in the couch. Stacie just put Bella to bed and it’s a Friday so they don’t have to be up early the next morning. It’s snowing like crazy outside, and they’ve got a fire going and Stacie made them tea and it feels cozy and homey and Aubrey feels so at peace.

“What do you want to know?” Stacie asks, curling her legs under her.

“I don’t know,” Aubrey says with a small shrug. “I feel like I don’t know that much about them.”

“I don’t talk about it much,” Stacie says softly.

“Oh, I don’t want to pry,” Aubrey’s saying, already backtracking but Stacie shakes her head, dismissing Aubrey’s concerns as she leans over to put down her mug of tea.

“It’s not really party small talk, is all. I’d like to tell you.”

Aubrey’s smile is soft and soothing.

“I have a younger brother, Andreas, Andy for short. He just turned 21, he’s at UCLA now. I have a mom, she’s a nurse.”

“What’s her name?” Aubrey interjects softly.

“Marina. I have two dogs, labradors named Marco and Polo.” Aubrey laughs. “I didn’t name them. We also have a cat named Desiree. She’s a streetcat.”  

Stacie’s grinning and Aubrey doesn’t quite understand why, quirks her head inquisitively.  

“She’s a streetcat named Desiree.”  

Aubrey laughs wholeheartedly then, clutches her stomach as she giggles. As she’s calming down she notices a glaring omission in Stacie’s rundown of family members, and her face drops. She meets Stacie’s eyes, and Stacie’s already looking at her sadly.

“Ask,” Stacie whispers, but Aubrey feels like there’s something stuck in her throat.

“What about your dad?” she asks and it comes out so softly, but Stacie’s listening for it.

“He died when I was 15.”

“I’m sorry,” Aubrey says, leans away to put down her mug and place her hand on Stacie’s leg.

“It’s okay.”

“It can’t have been easy,” Aubrey says.

Stacie shakes her head, and Aubrey can see that there’s tears in her eyes. “It wasn’t. Andy was only 6 so he’s not as scarred by it but I had a lifetime with my dad. I used to love my dad more than my mom, y’know?”

Stacie starts crying and it takes her by surprise, by how much she can still cry about this, how much it still hurts.

Aubrey scoots closer, pulls the brunette into her arms. “It’s okay,” Aubrey whispers, cooing as she runs her hand through Stacie’s hair.  

“It all happened so quickly. He got sick and they took him to the hospital and he had cancer. It was really bad, he only had a few months left but after a few weeks it was going way quicker than we thought it would. He died on a Thursday, and Andy and I were at school and I was so mad at my mom for so long because I didn’t get to say goodbye. I wanted to stay home all those weeks but he wouldn’t let me. And I was mad at my mom for going along with him.”

Aubrey’s also crying now, but she’s wiping away Stacie’s tears with her thumbs, eyes sympathetic. “Oh, Stace.”

“I was so bad to my mom. I still feel pretty guilty about it. I was so mad at her that I didn’t see how heartbroken she was. They were like soulmates and he died and Andy was confused and I kinda went off.”

“How so?”

“Just… being super rebellious. I tried to cut school but Catholic school is pretty strict with that plus the nuns felt bad for me so they wouldn’t report me and wouldn’t fail me,” Stacie says with a teary laugh. “I would sneak out and go to college parties and have alcohol and all that.”

“So basically, the Stacie we all know and love,” Aubrey teases and Stacie laughs through her tears, nodding.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Stacie says, wiping away her tears when she realises just how much she’s crying.  

“No, don’t apologise,” Aubrey says. “Thank you for telling me.”  

Stacie smiles, leans into Aubrey’s embrace even more with a soft smile. “I’m glad you know.”  

[marksburyscripts]

Episode 9-- Masquerade

Google Doc

Content Warnings: -Mention of suicidal ideology -Choking/suffocating -Cancer

[The Frankenstein house. Very early morning. Victor is flipping through the pages of Caroline’s journal]

VICTOR

There has to be something I’m missing here. Some… key or something. The more I look at it, the more languages I’m able to pick out. Gaelic, Italian, German, Latin, Polish. Maybe more I don’t recognize. If there’s a way to accurately translate, mom didn’t leave any clues on it. I didn't even know she knew so many languages. There's something important here, she-- She knew something. If I can just figure out what, that would explain everything, I’m sure of it. I’ve… apparently been at this all night. I’ve noticed that the sunrise feels different depending on whether you’re waking up to it or just haven’t slept. 

VICTOR (Cont.)

I really should try and get an hour or two in. I’m supposed to visit Henry tomorrow. Today? Today, I guess. Old Man Dan gave me some flowers to bring to the hospital for him. And if there’s one unforgivable sin out there, it’s breaking a promise to Old Man Dan. [A small laugh] He's a good guy. When we were kids, he'd always let us play in the woods on his property and leave snacks out for when we were done. He's been checking up on me lately, too. Making sure I'm okay. Sometimes he brings me dinner, if he notices that I haven't left the house in a few days. I really should do something to repay him.  ...Henry is doing well. I'm glad, don't get me wrong. Heck, I'm… ecstatic. The doctors say they've never seen anyone recover from something like that this quickly, even if he is starting to plateau. ...I should be happy. But I can't help but think that something is wrong. A miraculous recovery is just… too good to happen to someone close to me. I wanna believe that it's fine, that he's just… lucky or something. But… we don't exactly have a good track record, now do we?

VICTOR (Cont.)

Then there's Christine. She didn't brutally murder me while we were up in Maine, so I guess I can trust her. Unless she's playing the long game. But… [He sighs, annoyed] Erik doesn't seem like the type. I get the feeling that whatever he's planning for me-- If he's planning something-- it will be done as soon as it's ready. ...Or maybe he's just waiting for me to do it myself. [Beat.] He hasn't tried to make contact. Hasn't come to see how much what he has done has broken me. Or if he has, I haven't noticed him. I suppose that's possible. Guess he couldn't have gotten the reputation of a ghost for nothing.

VICTOR (Cont.)

...I-- I need to do something about… this. Me. I've known that for a while now, but I can't keep putting it off. I can't live like this. Scared, numb…. It's just…. There are only two people who know about everything. And they didn't exactly sign up for hearing me drone on about how miserable I am. Even if they say it's fine, that they want to listen. It's not right. They have their own stuff going on. I mean, from Henry’s perspective, Elliot just died, he-- He can’t be taking that as well as he’s trying to make me believe.

VICTOR (Cont.)

Plus… I'm not even sure what half of this is. I'm not going to sit them down and make them listen to me just try to figure it out. I just…. [Sighs] I just wish things were easy. I wish they never got pulled into this. ...I wish Elliot could hold me and tell me that it's gonna be okay. That I don't need to be afraid, because he'll be there with me every step of the way.

VICTOR (Cont.)

It still doesn't seem real some days. Some mornings, I almost go to knock on his bedroom door to see what he wants for breakfast. Then I remember, and I can hardly manage to make myself a coffee.

[There are a few moments as he gathers himself]

VICTOR (Cont.)

He would have been able to figure this out. He would have already pieced together clues that I haven’t even noticed yet. I… went through his books searching for answers. It was the first time I’ve been in there since he died. It felt wrong, like I was betraying him somehow. Snooping through his things without permission. 

VICTOR (Cont.)

...Every time I think about him, it feels like time slows down. Like there’s nothing else in the world but me and the memories of him. His smile, his laugh. The way he’d always match the color of his braces to whatever holiday was next. Except in July. Then he’d make them my favorite color for my birthday. 

VICTOR (Cont.)

...He was hit hard when mom died, too. He had cancer when he was a kid, before he moved in with us. He told me that seeing that… it really put things into perspective for him. Back then, he didn’t really understand what was going on. Just that he was sick. But when she died, it… it made him realize just how close he might’ve been to death. Back then, I couldn’t imagine what I’d do if I lost him. If I woke up one day and he was gone. Now… I can imagine it pretty well. [He gives an empty laugh] God, he must have been so scared….

[Static begins to fade in as a new figure appears behind him. When she speaks, deep, unnatural noises can be heard under her voice, which sounds raspy and distorted]

WOMAN IN RED

You have no idea what you are part of, do you?

VICTOR

[Overlapping]

B-- Back up! Back the fuck up!

WOMAN IN RED

You have seen what I am capable of. Do you really think that would save you?

VICTOR

Look, I-- I don’t know what the hell is going on, but-- But whatever you were doing outside the bar, and-- and outside my house, and--

WOMAN IN RED

You are a researcher.

VICTOR

What?!

WOMAN IN RED

You are a researcher. You… ask questions.

VICTOR

What the hell are you talking about?!

WOMAN IN RED

I have been closer than you think, Frankenstein. Watching. Listening. You ask so many questions. What I am. What I want. These are impossible to answer. I am a feeling. The tightness in your chest, the throbbing in your temples. The knowledge that something is terribly, terribly wrong, and you are far too late to stop it. I am the last voice your mother heard before my brother dragged her soul into the abyss of Death.

VICTOR

What?

WOMAN IN RED

 If I had my way, you would follow suit. But no. Someday. But not yet. For now…. Just a taste of what is to come.

[Victor takes a sharp inhale. It sounds painful, as though he is struggling to breathe]

WOMAN IN RED

We both know how your story ends. 

[There is a whistle of wind as she vanishes, the static and other sound disappearing with her. At the same time, Victor gasps for air, coughing and breathing heavily for a few moments]

VICTOR [Still out of breath]

Okay…. Okay, this is bad….