#but mannnn can you tell I’ve been struggling

[icedtoastt]

Body horror and disability is so !!!! Yes!! My body is a prison, a cage that actively despises me!!!! I want to kill my body, be freed from it, but it won’t stop eating away at me!!!!! My own body has betrayed me and holds me down!!! Yessss girl!!!

[dame-mas-princesa]

PIERCE THE VIEL- A FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC

** these are all my interpretations and thoughts when listening to these songs **

1.) chemical kids and mechanical brides

- i love love pierce the veil and this song makes me <333!! you can kinda tell this is a break up song. the lyric “i still hold your breath so you won’t leave” just like mmmm jealousy and possessiveness. lots of ptv’s songs kinda surround this topic. i LIVE for songs like that LOL.

2.) Currents Convulsive

- UNDERRATED!!!! i can’t remember the last time i’ve listened to this song omg. man the perspective of having to see someone you love struggle with addiction pains one. you can just tell this is a very personal situation. doctors DO lieeee. this entire pos is just gonna be like “yassss vic sing it bae!!!” xD is she doing this to avoid the harshness of the person singing (whether it be a character or vic himself) idkidkidk

3.) Yeah Boy and Doll Face

- UGHH SO GOOD I CRY EVERY TIME!! this just reminds me so much of my past relationship????? lots of back and forth like is this going anywhere? are we back where we started? i remember being so attached to the feeling of suffering cause “she could make hell feel like home” mannnn. OH AND THE LINE “do you want me to let you know you’re OK” GAHHH YES?? TELL ME IM OKAY!!!!!

4.) I’d Rather Die Than Be Famous

- BEST CAR SONG!! GOES SO HARD!! this embodies the teenage dream: falling in and out of love and forgetting about the reality surrounding us. running away and risking it all for the fucks of it. GOD such a good song

5.) The Cheap Bouquet

- also been a while since i’ve listened to this song. this also relates back to the ‘fuck yeah we are teenagers we can do whatever the fuck we want’ actually thinking about it maybe this is about breaking up cause of “and i scare myself with all that talk of severing, Doing the best or so it seems You’ve been mistaken” cause maybe this person is trying to convince their partner that they are trying but in reality they aren’t doing anything.

6.) falling asleep on a stranger

- i couldn’t remember listening to this song at all. omg maybe i am a fake fan ;^; you’ll get my first thoughts on it. WAIT NO JK I HAVE LISTENED TO THIS SONG!! phew anyways i kinda imagine this as the person is lost in this world and their partner saved them. They ended up leaving though but the ghost will always be there. the ghost will accept them even though they left. ‘come back to my heart (i don’t care)’ over and over.

7.) She Sings in the Morning

- short song but one of the best imo. damn this album is a lot of begging someone to get back with you >.> at first it’s the realization that you won’t be able to see their face again so you just sleep to hear their voice again. the second part is the stage of anger where you try to convince yourself that it was real and everything in that relationship happened! “so stuck on the only thing that we know, what we know starts to waste” resonates with me so much cause you think you know so much about something or someone but people change, your knowledge starts to waste

8.) The Balcony Scene

- iconic song wonderful wonderful! STILL RESONATING WITH PAST RELATIONSHIP??? damn man but felt felt in a sense. i no longer really think about it but nonetheless it lingers. if i had really listened to this album like REALLY listened back a few years ago i know that the line “Can we lose our minds and call it love for the last time?” would have made me BAWL!! what i’m getting from this is “i am nothing without you so come with me”

9.) Drella

- i swear this song is on every single one of my playlist. “i didn’t think it could have lasted. Now we broke another bracelet, tore it off your wrist tonight” UGH having something that connects you and a partner break tears my heart. Things like bracelets for example hold so much value even it’s a simple beaded bracelet. not much else to say other than damn mf going through all stages of grief.

10.) Diamonds and Why Men But Them

- being grateful for things even if they aren’t what you asked for is important but it still hurts. could this possibly be about friends with benefits after a breakup?? “this remedy is worse than the disease” i’m think i’m just reaching but alongside the “a bed for a backseat, a love drunk memory” kinda does it for me. Being FWB after your relationship is ASS and the worst thing you could EVER do. Are we better off that way??? no. never. never the case.

11.) Wonderless

- now this song makes me CRY like a baby. it’s still after the breakup and he is like ‘you know what, do what you want but it’s all fake’ in the sense of you can’t love anyone else like you did me, it’s all fake! he is still most OBVIOUSLY in love with her still. he is recalling his past relationship saying maybe that he was fake too. he continues to say things like he can’t get the thought of her or his mistakes out his head. he realizes at the end; “…from the mess that i become, i’m destroying what i love” he now acknowledges that HE was the problem.

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching JIBcon videos (part 1 of ?)

Cockles panel

in which Misha still has an unapologetic pee kink and Jensen is way more submissive than I remember him being

03:44pm (may 24th nz)

i legit don’t know if i have the energy to watch and type about this but i’ll try. might pause and come back a different day if i need to

watching this first

“JIB10 - Jensen Jared and Misha panel part1″

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRPKIAeNoFA&ab_channel=thiniassk

-

03:54pm

needed a break already but hi i’m back feeling less sick

LET’S BEGIN

-

03:55

misha: “he was like “let’s do this”... and i went on stage and... jensen went to the bathroom”

pfft

-

FINAL JIBCON??? OH NO??????????? OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

;n;

i’m sad now

aw

-

danella: “some issue backstage, we don’t talk about what happens backstage”

misha: “did he not MAKE it to the bathroom?”

misha !!....

mishaaaaaaaaaa

i wanna squish his face between my hands and just sigh lovingly

kinky little asshole, i love him

-

seriously he’s been on stage less than three minutes, jensen’s not there, and he’s already pulling stories out of nowhere implying that jensen pissed himself 

i can’t even

-

04:02pm

https://youtu.be/fRPKIAeNoFA?t=2m54s

jensen: “do you need help?”

his voice is so gorgeously deep and warm

-

misha: “do you need a pair of dry pants?”

i can’t think of words but

//clutches my head and whines

does jensen have context? does he just get on stage and the first thing he’s asked is whether he needs fresh pants??? whY DOES HE THINK MISHA IS ASKING

-

jensen: “i’m not wearing any pants”

T

THEY

ALL THEY DO IS FLIRT

-

04:08

this was such a soft and submissive hug??????????/ jensen just??? slid up and???? aWWWH

-

AND THEN HE JUST

“I LOVE YOU”

RIGHT OFF THE BAT

OKAY

OKAY I’M ON BOARD

GIVE ME MORE OF THIS X10000

-

jensen: "and there’s a reason i haven’t told you that today”

misha & jensen: “”’cause you/I don’t”

STOP THIS

jensen: “I’M KIDDING”

CEASE AND DESIST

misha: “about what”

EXACTLY

misha looks at jensen like., oh man. :c he laughs after but he’s a tiny bit jilted there. love is always a joke ;<

but also misha gets it, jensen’s a wee bit awkward in front of an audience but he’s MAKIN’ AN EFFORT DAMMIT

-

04:14

they’re sitting so close

-

jensen: “alright, driver, what are we listening to?”

DID HE JUST

(i mean, driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole, obviously)

jensen just gave misha the driver’s seat

he’s so goddamn submissive????? i just

i haven’t watched or seen anything with fresh jensen in like. months. MONTHS. maybe a full year since the last jibcon. and i completely forgot he was like this

especially with misha

i know i often interpret dean as submissive but actually?? in comparison to jensen those lil occasional traits are nothing. jensen’s just openly and unapologetically putting misha in charge with words and with the way his body moves

he’s so soft.

SO soft.

-

and when misha doesn’t answer for a few seconds, jensen looks over, first into his eyes, then down to his lips, checking his expression

misha was kinda stiff before but he got stiffer, ponderous

i honestly, HONESTLY didn’t think i’d be analysing body language this time round but i can’t help it, its so obvious to me, more obvious than it ever is with ANYONE else

these two just give off MASSIVE signals, all the time. maybe because they’re actors and they’re not currently acting, but are performing their own selves, so they perform a heightened version of their personality. but there’s so much to see

plus like. you can see in the background how jensen holds the mic. both protective and phallic at the same time. flirty and nervous and relaxed

-

and THEN MISHA SAYS “we’re listening to the song “why are there so many songs about rainbows”

everything is not-so-secretly gay

this is a rainbow bullet train heading for rainbow city and there’s no stopping it

-

04:26

https://youtu.be/fRPKIAeNoFA?t=5m5s

misha pushed the mic down to whisper to jensen, then jensen’s like “no~. no~!!” and then flirty and winky and “teeease”

WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT

maybe about how far they wanna go on stage idk. THIRD BASE MAYBE

or how much of season 15 they can talk about

either way misha was tryna keep it private and jensen was literally broadcasting his answers into the mic. jensen is 100% an exhibitionist.

you know what, i love that look he gets in his eyes when he’s flirting with misha in front of people. you know the look. dark eyed, uncontrollable smile, head set a little down. really open shoulders, probably swaying hips, if he’s standing. ugh i love that

but like. i’m pretty sure he flirts different if nobody’s watching. i think if nobody’s watching (or if he doesn’t realise people are watching) he’s just a regular guy talking to his best friend/wife. except his wife is sometimes misha. some of that big smile, definitely some unnecessary touching and preening and back-of-neck-holding

the crazy thing is i’m essentially making that up, but we all know his movements and behaviour with misha so well i don’t think any of us would struggle to imagine it was true

idk

-

04:37

i will never get tired of seeing them lay their heads on each other’s shoulders

also sidenote: in my opinion this is the best beard + haircut combo jensen has ever had

-

04:39

jensen: “misha......... what’s your latest dad joke?”

-

jensen: “we’re telling stories about CARPOOL now”

i love that they already know each others’ stories and jensen’s like OOH THIS STORY and comes back to sit down to listen

-

04:41

crowd: “we love you misha”

jensen: “thanks, misha’s mom!!!”

and then he looks at misha so softly and so lovingly, he’s not joking any more, he just loves misha as much as the rest of us, maybe more

someone called “we love you jensen” but he didn’t react at all because he was appreciating misha, didn’t even blink

(also as i re-read this post i realise he said “misha’s mom” in a way that’s like “hey stop flirting with him, he’s mine” not in a “dear misha’s mother, thank you for giving us misha”)

-

jensen: “you speak in more puns as a dad. yeah~”

the way he says that with a smile and a nod. like he observed that in misha and also in himself maybe

but he just finished misha’s sentence

they are MARRIED

but i for one ADORE puns and even if i was the only one in my year 10 economics class who laughed at my teacher’s puns i STAND BY THAT LAUGH

-

“when salmon spawn in a stream, and then they die, and an otter eats the carcass”

HE’S TALKING ABOUT HOW HE MAKES MORE PUNS NOW

AND HE’S RELATING IT TO THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

MY LOVE FOR HIM GROWS BY THE HEARTBEAT

-

04:48

there we go, hand on the back of the neck/shoulder

-

THE FIRST QUESTION WAS “can you maybe take a sip of the apple juice”

GET DRUNK !!!

AND THEN MAKE OUT !!!!

yes please

jensen looks at misha checks with him, and then says “no!!!!!”

because he knows flirting will happen

BUT THEn MISHA

GETS UP

GET THIS BOY DRUNK

HELL YEAH

nesnej is much flirtier and we all enjoy it

but like. jensen said no but then he shuts his eyes and shakes his head when misha gets up, knowing what’s gonna happen. ‘cause like. he could say no again. but he already consented to misha leading this thing, right? and if misha hands him a drink he’s gonna drink it. that’s just what’s gonna happen.

and he knows misha’s not getting up just to get himself a drink. there’s something very specific about getting jensen drunk. he knows what he’s like drunk. and so does misha.

i just need to enjoy for a moment how jensen’s vehement resistance to getting himself a drink is immediately completely overridden by misha’s choice to get a drink for him, and jensen gives zero argument. the moment misha moves jensen’s gives over to knowing he’s gonna get tipsy

i have literally never in all my life seen anyone as easily and happily submissive as jensen is with misha

-

05:00

HE COULD SAY NO. HE COULD SAY NO

BUT MISHA DOESN’T EVEN FORCE HIM HE JUST OFFERS IT AND SAYS NOTHING

AND JENSEN GOES “awww mannnn” buT THEN TAKES IT with an “alright~” before he’s even done complaining. as though the complaints were all a farce to begin with and he was eager to say yes?? maybe he likes being drunk and flirting with misha, no surprises there. maybe the look he gave misha before saying “no!” was a permission look saying “yes but only if you make me”? they clearly communicate a lot unsaid, i wouldn’t be surprised by that either

i swear to god this is a sex scene. i’ve written this but with water instead of booze. nobody can convince me they don’t do this in private, drink a lot so they need to pee and get drunk and flirty. *o*

and i am kind of reeling right now. i should sound like i’m making this up but OH BOY THE WAY THEY TALK. THE WAY MISHA OBSESSES WITH PEEING (and has done so consistently for years, especially with jensen). THE WAY HE JUST HANDS JENSEN AND DRINK AND JENSEN TAKES IT. misha wants jensen flirty and REMEMBER THAT TIME HE WAS DIRECTING AND HE MADE JENSEN DRINK THE SAME DRINK ON CAMERA 20 TIMES OVER

-

jensen watches misha drink first

and then he drinks

-

i’m so wrecked by all of this right now

legitimately

their energy is so sexually charged??? and so comfortable and so loving

this is not at all the same aggressive sexual energy jensen brings to the stuff we see in the gag reel, i.e. “pranks” i.e. flirting. but it has equal magnitude imo, it’s just quieter because he’s being himself, not dean (and jared’s not there)

misha knows jensen so damn well and even that bullshit about whether or not jensen loves him was understood to mean “i do but i’m self-concious about being firm about it in front of an audience” and then jensen shows his love instead of saying it (but even then he made a point of saying it straight away)

but oh LORD the biggest thing i’m getting from this so far is that jensen is indeed misha’s princess-slash-cabin boy. and we should never ever doubt that misha used those terms in an affectionate, dominant sort of way. (on the one hand i’m wary about the use of a ~feminine~ term as a means of domination, in general, but on the other hand, I AM SOOO INTO IT for them specifically. maaaay have written "princess” into a destiel fic that one time)

-

anyway where was i

oh yeah jensen just agreed to get drunk because misha wants him to

-

05:25pm

you know what, i’m gonna stop here and come back maybe tomorrow. i didn’t finish this video yet but there’s still a part 2 of this panel, and then other panels and i’m definitely not getting through them all today, these last 11 minutes of footage have taken me almost 2 hours to watch

i’ll post more of my reactions under #Elmie watches things so ... stay tuned!!

[nyrator]

mannnn

time for more nyrants and life updates with ny, focusing on mental healths and family and where to live and art stuffsss feat. very personal introspection about arttt

Trying to be in a better mindset when writing these compared to how I usually am, let’s seeee

Admittedly struggling with depression a lot lately. Like, to the point I just can’t get out of bed anymore. Tuesday I had the day off, and spent a total of about 16+ hours in bed. I think if not for Kresna, I’d probably spent the entire day in bed. Ate breakfast at like 4:30PM and ate dinner at around 11PM and felt sick from it. But it’s extremely, extremely hard to escape my bed. When I do, I just want to go back to bed, it’s a cruel temptation.

There’s a friend who reads these who always gives kind words and advice and just a heads up, you’re awesome friend. He’s suggested something to me to help and I’ve been really debating it for a while but I think I’m still too scared at the moment, and aaa I wish I was better at communicating directly with people but such is the life of a Ny (but really dude you are a good dude)

I should really see a therapist, I think, but it’s very difficult going anywhere without money or a car, so hm.

In terms of family life, my sister got of jail, was back in jail for three days, back out, basically living at the apartment, and got sent back to jail today for three months (allegedly she had the choice between eight months house arrest versus three months jail, she allegedly picked the latter- though my mother’s friend who keeps me up to date on information about my sister told me that she thinks her urine test was hot, so hmm). My sister being around was not good for my mind at all, I think, but hopefully she really is in jail for three months.

Work is still work, very slow, back to normal hours and keeping my usual $8/hr pay, which admittedly is a bit sad. But as much as they keep telling me they want to get rid of my coworker, my managers just don’t have the heart (something will blow up eventually, probably, but who knows when).

I think in terms of where I should go in life- Ideally wherever Kresna is, but you have no idea how hard immigration, especially on minimum wage. I’ve basically decided internally that, either the asian dude I like becomes president and I stay here (he’s still the only candidate to give me some kind of hope, as silly as politics in general is), otherwise I move wherever Kresna is. But man, it’s so hard, and I’m scared of how hard it will be to support each other honestly (he’s very supportive but I’m very much a leech)

In other news, I’ve also started keeping a dream diary finally. For January, I have about four-five dreams so far. None of them I’m sure are real dreams, or just my imagination running wild in the mornings after waking up but before getting out of bed. I think I mentioned before having a type of reoccurring humiliation dream, and ended up having two of them this month (one came dangerously close to being really bad before I woke myself up).

Now, in terms of creativity (aka one of the main reasons I wanted to type today)

Art

is hard

Rotten Nyan is a strange project, as I’ve mentioned a few times before. I think I want to distance myself from it- like, project these characters as a separate entity from myself. But they’re basically a caricature of my life, so it’s weird. Doing the latest update made me feel really satisfied with myself, doing five pages in such a quick and effortless amount of time.

And then I posted them, and it was like daggers into my chest afterwards. Like, feelings of self conscious, guilt, self hate, all riled up at the realization I keep making these things public, and just really blending me up inside. It’s such a weird thing- really loving these characters and drawing them, but feeling sick thinking of any ideas or sharing anything about them when I do. And the guilt of association- these characters are technically me, but I’d rather people not see them as me, I think, and I try to think of them as separate entities- but it’s obvious they’re me.

Ideas are very hard for me to come by for that reason- the pain, and not wanting to think back on my life anymore. I think I use art to socialize, in a way- give people something interesting, something they can like and admire, and when someone interacts with it in some way- it’s like a wave of euphoria, or something. And it’s funny, because it’s still a similar reaction from me- I get so happy and flustered that I become so anxious with it and want to hurt myself. It’s a good feeling (and trust me I’ve moved on from hurting myself long ago), but anxiety is weird I guess.

I mention it a lot, but I just love the idea of other people feeding me ideas- I feel like I want to make things for other people, but the things I want to make are just my own ideas, not necessarily what they want, you know? And I’d like to join more communities and try to just get that social aspect more. Been trying to be more active on twitter, but boy do feelings of self consciousness hurt.

In terms of what I want to make, it’s also very tricky. I don’t have many original ideas lately. I browse pinterest, read manga when I can, but it’s tough. I decided to catch up on that Suicide Boy manhwa (stopped when they skipped like four chapters but figured ehh what the heck I’ll read the newer ones anyway), and mannn, my body can’t stand it. That movie theater chapter especially stood out, it’s like a frozen sledgehammer into my gut and ribcage, that kind of suffering. It feels like it hurts more than usual, and I’m both excited and scared for when Kabi’s new manga comes out into English. I don’t know how my current self can handle it.

I’ve been thinking of biting the bullet and going to the darker parts of the internet for my art. It’s tricky to talk about, y’know? But seeing most people I know fragrantly post what they like, it’s like, is there really any big deal if I do? But it’s weird. It’s like I have a mental image that I don’t want to be associated with. Explicit and highly sexualized things- those things still make me uncomfortable as a person and I still have no interest in them at all, but other things, hm. I don’t think I’d be able to handle gore, for example- I’m surprisingly squeamish, and have become moreso as time goes on, despite the edgy stylized subject matter I like.

In terms of my own personal dark interests, it’s also weird. I’d consider myself a very chaste person, but the one interest I do have is also a form of self harm, in a way, and it’s something I know most people want or like to see. It’s also something I think about far too often and pay attention far too closely in things I see- something about the way that specific pain resonates with me, it’s something that gives me the deepest chills and feelings of disgust. Such a weird mix of emotional pleasure and pain, I guess. It’s something I want to make works about, but I worry about which part I’m writing for- the pleasure, or the pain. And I forgot (or blocked out) how much it affected my mind as a kid, the painful part anyway, before it got warped into something else in high school.

Anyway, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to draw things like that comfortably. I think I just want a sense of community, or something, but those kinds of communities seem dangerous. And it’s weird, I think of friends’ interests and hidden art I’ve stumbled upon, hidden identities but with a trademark style, and how I just think good for them, keep it up, make what you want. Yet when it comes to myself, I don’t think I could just do that- make a different identity and post what amounts to fetish art. One, because I love my OCs and don’t like degrading them to just being fetish characters (and can’t imagine drawing many other characters or just designing designated fetish characters without other purpose), and two, because I simply just don’t feel comfortable with myself about it, I guess

I think, ultimately, I’m just scared of being judged, but still just want to make this weird content, but want to make it for a broad audience, if that makes sense. Either way, I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with it, and I’ll probably make a chapter of RN focus on what it at least means to me one day to at least get things off my chest. I just worry how hard my psyche will be damaged after submitting it to the public, if just sharing a tiny bit in RN has caused me so much turmoil already.

but yeah, in short: I want to draw Nyans, my mind keeps remembering the majority of things that happened to middle lave were very disgusting and so I feel uncomfortable drawing them, but those are the only things I can think of drawing half the time when thinking of ideas for them and feeling “wow, that’s really bad, I could and should do better”

and nowwww to get ready for work