#but my therapist said not to unfriend anyone and just sort it out

[drchinfat]

My friend called me by my new name tonight and I was so happy. No one else calls me by my name yet.

I feel so worn down from the constant misgendering from my family that it's nice to have someone who acknowledges my gender identity for once. I know it's gonna take time for them to adjust, but I just feel so terrible all the time. I have already been hiding this part of me for so long. Far too long. Having to wait even longer is excruciating.

I hung out with my friends and we watched movies and ate candy and carved pumpkins. It was really fun, even though I got depressed during the last movie because I started thinking about my friend who threw me away...

But I have friends who respect my feelings so I'm better off now. I don't have many friends, but that's okay. I'm sure I'll meet new people someday. I'll get through this somehow, no matter how much I want to take my life for the person I loved because I feel like that would make him happy. I wish I could just hate him. It would be easier that way. I wish I could stop thinking about him. I've done everything I could think of to stop reminding me of him. I unfriended all of our mutual friends (except for one) I unfollowed all his friends on their social media, I threw away things and hid things in drawers that he gave me.

It's not enough. It's been over a month, and still I can't thinking about it. I've been trying to stay busy and be productive. But I always have this nagging aching feeling in the back of my mind that I can't shake. I have been having to take prescription meds to be able to sleep every night. I'm not even anxious. I just feel so out of sorts... like disconnected and dissociated. I think if I could feel the full force of the pain that I wouldn't be able to endure it.

The days are so long now. I can't believe it's only been since September that it happened. I keep replaying everything in my head and it haunts me. My friends told me to just forget about him because he's not worth it.

The intrusive thoughts are consistent and daily at this point.

I don't know if I really want to keep seeing my therapist. She doesn't understand LGBT issues whatsoever and even though she has helped me in some aspects, I feel like I might snap at her or something. I can't find anyone who can really help me though. I've called so many people. Everyone is either not seeing new patients or doesn't know anything about gender issues.

The online services I checked out don't accept insurance. I can't afford $90/week. I probably wouldn't qualify for the financial help either.

I have an ER bill I can't pay, and I need to get documents notarized to say I can't pay it. I'm trying to figure out where to get it done before the collection agencies come after me.

I can't get my disability hearing done until the pandemic goes away and I can having a hearing in person. My lawyer said the phone hearings go terribly and I would rather wait another year than have them deny me after all this time.

My joints keep subluxing and I'm sore and I just want to be able to workout without my joints sliding all around.

I want to get my driver's permit but I have zero motivation and I have too much anxiety even thinking about having to do that, and then having to do my license test. And I want to have my gender marker as non-binary on my license but idk like even how you do that. Do you have to get documentation prior to that, do you just tell them?? I have no idea how to be an adult and I just want to sleep all day.

I also keep having this sense of dread waiting for the next crisis to happen, even though I'm already in crisis. My extended family members keep ending up in the hospital, and dying, and everyone is sick and old.

Yesterday I had an existential crisis in the middle of the grocery store and had an intense derealization episode for an hour or two.

I am so overwhelmed and I am paralyzed by it all.

[ecstasybread]

so i’ve been Absent from this hell site

brief relationship turned sour

b/c this manboy is emotionally stunted and it was emotionally abusive, b/c of his total indifference to my wellbeing, also his horrible politics my god, he’s not vocal about them or anything b/c #masculinity despite ~socially liberal attitudes to sex/uality, gender to some extent, race, etc

like it’s ok i’m anti-zionist b/c he’s ½ lebanese, it’s not ok 2 criticize capitalism when his whole identity is contingent upon what he ~does, but all his jobs have been handed to him by his daddy, and he’s gonna inherit this current company most likely. CRY ME A FUCKIN RIVER about job stress, and keep doling out job search advice. the self-awareness!!1! meritocracy!1! immigrant daddy’s bootstraps!1! the free market only rewards the best and the brightest, not children of company owners without the requisite skills who need to learn on the job, then hire acquaintances to do drudgework b/c you’re above the task you’ve been given even though YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO AT THE COMPANY YET. omg. idc it’s just so ridiculous

he led me on with his politics early on, like late april apologized of his own volition for pulling some BS about music now being valuable to our economy because it doesn’t produce material good… he was probably still trying to impress me, and i wasn’t having any of it, what libertarian nonsense. this basic bitch literally is obsessed with cryptocurrency. talking about MATERIAL GOOD and useless garbage waste of time. he also works for a company that is contracted to make handbag samples for a big designer brand (ugly WASPy clothing and accessories… w/e) so do not talk about value when that ugly overpriced shit is not demanded by ~society, nor do those handbags feed anyone

he’s also subletting from a friend, despite asking to be on a break an hour after i mentioned her idea, and after we’ve broken up, like it’s tactless to do this. find another room/apartment. god knows you throw money at people. he sees every human interaction as transactional. in fact has directly said every human interaction should use venmo. over 2 weeks ago he ended up lording money over me and then blocked me on that app and elsewhere lmfao, i told him via comment “i know you think you’re your earning power at daddy’s company but i did not ask for your money.” that was 2 much truth for him. he also unblocked me recently on venmo… because that’s his life source and he’s a nosy garbage human

for all of june, which was still part of the relationship despite him asking to go on a ‘break’ from/with me (but still pleaded to see me, talk to me, and can i go to your friend’s party…), and most of july when we weren’t together (’i’m not ready to date’ he writes, like yeah, but you were also stringing me along, iced me out, and emotionally abusive in insidious ways… doing and saying careless shit, dropping worrisome one-liners on me over chat and in person, not being able to hold a conversation or form impressions, it’s so draining to be around that, to have to be “on” 100% of the time and worry about this person you came to care about b/c you do when you get to sort of know someone in any context, especially in an ~intimate one, someone who never has a good thing to say about anyone in his life - parents, sibling, exes he’s ‘friends’ with, exes he’s not over, former roommates he’s not on speaking terms with (because he’s habitual about the lording of money over ppl), acquaintances, friends…

his self-worth is derived from earning power/job and whether someone will sleep with him. his identity is based on… complete self-interest. libertarian economics and techie aspiring BS jargon. he didn’t go to school cos he didn’t have to, but also i suspect he has a mental block surrounding academia and won’t confront it, but still criticizes people who study things he doesn’t find ‘useful’ (so everything that isn’t abstract science and… idk, art. he’s no fuckin da vinci)

he doesn’t have anything going for him, or anything to offer tbh. but conventional looks (i guess 2 some) and he’s all surface level. and narcissistic

he doesn’t have many friends of his own, makes sense because he pushes people away with his behavior, believes that constitutes self-imposed isolation… yet tries to hang out with the friends of people he’s not on speaking terms with - former roommates, an ex (as it turns out my friend who kept their relationship on the DL, calls him ‘toxic’ -wish she had talked to me or something). it’s again, tactless, and weird loner shit. he tries to get sublets (if he has money why not just live alone? because he doesn’t want to live alone, yet is an emotional vampire and manipulative), other shit from people, purely transactional. his few HS chums have moved on and have literally moved away for college/work, etc. even him friend requesting/following my friends he briefly met is pretty weird to me tbh. he leaves no impression on people. just quiet

dumb and cute is ok but dumb and cruel? dumb, cruel, and Fiscally Conservative in the least? only ambition in life being ‘affluence’ - direct quote? someone who thinks they’re unprincipled and have shit values? n o p e. i mean good riddance. if i wasn’t open with my convictions this would’ve lasted longer. and his BS about needing a ‘break,’ we’d come back with new perspectives~* because he’s in relationships ‘for the long haul’ sounded like a threat then. and warnings/threats about ‘now i have to focus on my work/passions’ (gimme a break what other obligations do u have in life, when do u not focus on urself, an excuse to not pay attention to the person you're dating/a copout instead of breaking up tbh) are just lol

since it was my first whatever you’d call it, i guess i tried to ‘stick it out’ and i guess i also understand the perspective of someone being mistreated and emotionally abused cos you sort of hold out hope for decency and a return to the beginning, ~courting stage or w/e… oh wells. i’m doing better not knowing what he’s up to or being reminded what he looks like, should’ve unfriended/unfollowed first but i though that would be immature of me. welp should not have cared. we could never have been friends, and this wasn’t a serious relationship to begin with but i didn’t even get basic emotional respect reciprocated. i do not deserve that

ok this is more typing than i thought i’d do. i’ve been typing at my friends (hello some of you thanks for putting up with me)

and my intake interview at a mental health clinic was in the beginning of june, coordinator said it would take 4-6 weeks to find me a fit, it’s been 2 months i called a few days ago, they called back and said they’d call me by friday. but man i could’ve used a therapist these past few months lol. oh well i’m tryin

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 2 October 2017

On a Monday where a mad man kills almost 60 people, one of the last surviving members from Easy Company (Band of Brothers fame) passed away, and Tom Petty was taken off life support it’s a day which calls for something a bit different.  So my gin and tonic in hand and a heavy heart it’s off to answering questions from people who didn’t ask them of me.

I am writing as a final act of desperation. For a year now, I have had very strong romantic feelings for one of my friends. She is smart, engaging to be around, caring—I have never felt quite like this about any crushes I’ve had before. The issue: she has been dating my twin sister for about a year now.

Dear Troubled Twin, my God, even BadPru’s twincest is lackluster.  Sorry, that is unfair to you.  You have a problem and you’re looking for advice, not to be a data point in the “NuPru is not good at this”.  From your letter I’m assuming you’re young (referring to previous romantic feelings as “crushes”, semester abroad).  Unless you’re planning to shoot the president in an effort to impress Jodie Foster your twin sister’s girlfriend, don’t go to therapy (and if you are planning for former please stop and contact a therapist).  You’re a young person dealing with the normal sort of crush that people with a limited history of relationships have.  You’ve idealized this woman in a way which is preventing you from seeing anyone else in a similar light.  The good news is you’re doing the right things; dating other people, doing other things, reminding yourself that it’s a dick move to hit on your sibling’s girlfriend.  Don’t go out on dates to show yourself that you’re over your crush.  Go on dates because you like the person you’re dating enough to want to go out on a date with them.  View them as themselves, not on the Twin Sister’s Perfect Girlfriend spectrum.  Also, while my extensive internet research would make you think that telling your sister’s girlfriend you have the hots for her will end awesomely I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not really going to the best sources.  So don’t tell them how your feeling.  I’m thinking there’s a coin flip between “trouble both of them to know they’re hurting me” and “get really creeped out by you obsessing about their relationship for a year”.  If the coin lands on the edge then my internet research was right and it’s “lingerie tickle fight”.  This is not per se unhealthy; it’s part of finding your way through life, relationships, and love.  It’s time you stopped pretending to move on and actually move on.

My husband and I have been together for a decade but for various monetary reasons are not legally wed. I have stayed out of his relationship with his daughter “Jessica.” I don’t think highly of her—she has been given every advantage in life and squandered it.

Dear Out of the House, oof.  I’m sure that somewhere the plan “going to school to become a stylist” has gone swimmingly, but my god the number of times I’ve heard that statement and then two years later it remains the plan, and even further from completion, doesn’t make me disagree with your assessment of the situation.  I’d like to find a silver-lining in this situation for you, but I’m just not seeing it.  You don’t include the usual “I love my husband but,” you’re not a fan of his daughter, summing your description of her husband would be “sub-cromulent”, and it’s “her son” not “grandson”.  I’d have to say your plan to go with an ultimatum is about your best course of action.  A therapist may or may not be a good idea, but I bet a lawyer would be a much, much, much gooder one.  You and your husband share a house and who knows what those monetary reasons encapsulates.  But whatever they are I’d bet they’re an issue which could either bite you, or him, in the ass if not handled right if you need to dissolve your relationship.  Your offer to support them for a few months is a perfectly reasonable one, and one which could be the basis of a suitable compromise if everyone was interested.  At the end of the day you need to look out for yourself.  This is a duty you didn’t sign up for, got into stupidly, and you see how it is likely going to become an all-consuming vortex of suck which will drain you emotionally and financially.

My “aunt Rhonda,” my mom’s best friend who lives several states away, has recently come out as an avid member of the alt-right movement, along with the rest of her family. This was shocking, considering they seemed to be otherwise for years. Her eldest son, “Tom,” and I were also friends, but now he’s turned out to be the biggest fanatic of the bunch, and the one who radicalized the rest.

Dear Alt-right Former Friend, just fucking unfriend the guy.  There are two ways you can go about this.  You could do it like a rational adult, simply click the “unfriend” option and move on with your life.  Or you could do it like an anti-hero whose secret power is fueled by creating the maximum amount of drama possible.  Before you unfriend him explain exactly why you’re doing it, tag everyone you both know, go into detail about why you’re taking this stand.  Believe it or not there is not a requirement for you to remain friends through social media with someone who you don’t want to be friends with.  Heck, there’s a pretty good chance the dude you hate actually has you unfollowed and would not give a second thought to you unfriending them.  And even if they do you get the satisfaction of expressing your distaste for his politics while he gets the chance to talk on his page about his “keeping it real” is driving away the “snowflakes”.  Heck, if that happens it’s a win-win!  As for the fallout on your mother’s relationship your mother and Aunt Rhonda are grown women.  Your mother, presumably, knows about Rhonda’s change in politics, maybe she doesn’t even consider a change and it’s something she’s known for years.  I know it might be hard to believe, but there was a time in history where people really did tolerate people who didn’t agree share their every ideological bent.  Your social media friending or not won’t cause something to happen which wasn’t going to happen anyway.

My wife and I were student athletes who met and married after getting MBAs. For 32 years we have lived an active, health conscious, monogamous life together. Roughly 60 days after our 31st anniversary I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. With treatments and luck, I have 12 to 24 months. We both know what reality is.

Dear Letter from Dying Husband, this is the plot of some movie with Leonidas when he was wearing more than a loincloth.  It was actually pretty cruel what he was doing.  I’m not saying what you’re thinking of is cruel, I’m just putting it out there.  I think the idea of leaving some mementos for your wife to read or watch after you’ve died is a wonderful and touching gesture.  I’d highly recommend discussing it with her, letting her know your intent, and deciding with her the best way to go forward.  Maybe she decides she’d appreciate those letters on the significant days of your life together.  Maybe she’d rather get them at once and allow her to decide the circumstances where she reads them.  If you do decide to go the “anniversary letter” route, please make sure she knows how to stop them in case it does become something less wonderful in reality than it sounded during your last years together.

I live in a cul-de-sac with several families the same age as my two girls. We all do mutual birthdays and celebrations, except for “Lydia.” Lydia has five children and on most days lets them run wild and unsupervised, and the kids barge in on neighbors. I have bit my tongue over having several of Lydia’s children (my youngest is friends with two of them) show up at my back door asking for dinner this summer. I have brought it up with Lydia, only to have her dismiss it.

Dear Cheapskate, just let me go ahead and disagree with Newdie and say she is totally wrong that kids don’t do things because they’re jerks.  Yes, kids do things because they’re jerks, this is because kids, just like everyone else, can be jerks.  I doubt your daughter’s age-appropriate friends brought her a dirty teddy bear in a brown paper bag because they’re jerks, but I can totally see a teenager doing it.  Again, because kids are jerks.  All that being said Lydia might just be one of those parents who is doing the bare minimum needed to bring up a litter of kids without any one them being obviously horrible people.  That she is devilishly taking advantage of your kindness by sending her kids on activities without the ability to feed themselves.  That she shoves them out the door to crash neighborhood parties or family dinners so that she doesn’t have to deduct from her lotto and cigarettes budget.  Or she is financially stressed and really can’t provide the sort of comforts for her kids that you can provide for hers.  I empathize with not wanting to provide it for her kids; it’s can be hard enough to do it for you own.  I would suggest having another conversation with Lydia, but instead of it being about how you’re not going to support her children, think of it from a point of view that Lydia might not actually be able to do what you think she should.  People hate admitting to financial problems.  Most folks would rather talk with their parents about their sex life than talk money.  If she isn’t able to get a present for your daughter’s birthday, or put enough food on the table for 5 children including two teens, might knowing this make you rethink your attitude towards her children and their actions?  It doesn’t make you and your cul-de-sac responsible for providing for them, but it might not be worth the feuding.  If Lydia tells you to mind your fucking business then snorts a line of blow off a hooker’s ass using a rolled up benjamin to do it go ahead and feud though.

I’m from another country and only have a few friends here. My friendship with “John” is really important to me. I recently broke up with my longtime girlfriend and he has been here for me a lot. John, another friend, and I have a group chat and the other friend sent some porn images as a joke, and I responded with some too.

Dear Best Friend’s Wife is Angry Wife Me, you should apologize.  There’s at least three different things going on here, and the healing power of “and” almost certainly is exerting its blessings as well.

Humor is pretty culturally specific.  Even if you’ve been in a country for a while you might miss the boat on some jokes.  

Did you escalate the porn joke?  For example, did your mutual friend send a titillating picture of Scarlett Johansson and you hilariously joined in a 35 minute long compilation of Japanese fetish game show videos?

Is there something inappropriate about you sending “John” joke porn?  Had you previously expressed an interest in “John”?  Are you of the opposite sex?  Or of the same sex and that’s how he goes?

I’m sure there’s other issues at play (how did his wife find out about the joke?) but those are the three that jump out at me in how it relates to her reaction to you.  If you can reach out to the wife and apologize.

My question is about how long to hang on. My ex-husband and I got along great and still hung in the same group until he got married again and he and/or his wife decided I had to go. Although I had usually been the one to throw parties and invited everyone, the ex and wife then began to do so without inviting me.

Dear Ex-Husband Got Friends in the Divorce, I’m with NuPru in not actually understanding what you’ve been excluded from.  Hate to say it but “ex-wife not being invited to parties with new wife” is really kind of the default position.  If your friends are choosing your ex and his new wife over you in all times except when you specifically invite them it’s worth discussing it with the friends.  It could be none of them realize that, collectively, they’ve chosen your ex over them.  Everyone assumes everyone else is going to see you the rest of the time and they’ve never put together that they’ve cut you out.  Maybe they are all colluding to deny you their friendship, but if you don’t ask them it’s a bit premature to make plans to move on.  

[mergguest]

Post Election 2016

Post Election 2016 – What Do We Do Now?

A sermon by Meredith Guest

Delivered at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Petaluma on December 11, 2016

 Luke 6:27-36

 If the recent election of Donald Trump was anything, it was a slap in the face to every progressive, liberal minded American. And make no mistake, it was an intentional slap in the face; that was a great part of the man’s appeal to those who voted for him. And so we, like the cast of “Hamilton,” the diverse Americas who are alarmed and anxious that [this] new administration will not protect the hard-won rights of the last 50 years have been intentionally slapped upside the head with a 2x4 branded with the name of Trump. With our ears still ringing, our eyes still smarting, our values run down like so much road kill, what do we do now?

 In the passage from Luke I just read, Jesus says, if someone slaps you upside the head, you are to willingly offer up the other side for equal treatment. But like so much of the Bible – most of it, actually – this isn’t to be taken literally. What he means is: you are to be the one where the violence stops; that’s why you turn the other cheek. What I have to decide now is: Will I be the person who chooses to let the violence stop with me? And what you have to decide is: Will you be the one who willingly and freely chooses to have the violence stop with you.

 It goes without saying, this is not our default setting. When slapped upside the head, we are programmed to fight or flight, and unless you plan to leave the country, there’s really nowhere to run; this guy is president. But I must remind you that fight or flight is also the default setting of a gerbil, and if being human means anything, surely it means we are not limited to the default setting of gerbils. It’s one thing to hold to the principles of Unitarian Universalism when YOUR guy holds the reins of power, but what about when evil is at the gate? What do we do then?

 1. For one, start looking for ways to make peace.

 Mark Lilla in the NYT writes: “But the fixation on diversity in our schools and in the press has produced a generation of liberals and progressives narcissistically unaware of conditions outside their self-defined groups, and indifferent to the task of reaching out to Americans in every walk of life.” (Mark Lilla, NYT, 11/18/16) The only remaining slur acceptable in polite company is “redneck;” and if children are not present, it is often accompanied by an expletive.

 The poet Adrienne Rich has said, “When someone with the authority of a teacher describes the world and you are not in it, there is a moment of psychic disequilibrium, as if you looked into a mirror and saw nothing.” This quote used to apply to me and to others in the LGBT community. But not anymore. Now our faces are everywhere you look, while the faces of working class Americans, those faces that used to be THE face of America, are disappearing, rendering them anonymous and their lives invisible.

 I once had a child in my class with severe cerebral palsy. She was my student in 4th, 5th and 6th grades. Her name was Johanna and she was a wonderful student. One summer just before the beginning of school, Johanna’s mother recommended I meet with an occupational therapist that they had been seeing. I agreed, and in our meeting he asked me to describe the classroom and Johanna’s place in it. After I did so, he looked at me and said, “This child’s not a member of your classroom. She’s little more than a fixture. No meaningful interaction happens between her and the other members of the class…” This was a “take no prisoners” kind of guy, but I took his words to heart and came up with a plan. I cleared it with the mother and soon after school began, the class did a group challenge. Privately I gave Johanna information that the class had to get from her without the assistance of her aid or any other adult. Only when they got this information would they be allowed to go to recess. It wasn’t easy, but they got the information, went to recess and after we did a few similar things, pretty soon I saw students interacting with her in ways they never had before.

 It seems to me we, as a nation, have a similar group challenge. While the well educated, well connected and well endowed have enjoyed the fruits of the modern economy, Donald Trump has sounded a take-no-prisoners wake-up call for those with ears to hear and eyes to see that a whole group of others have been left behind. While technically part of the country, they are like the handicapped kid in the wheelchair who nobody ever talks to and everybody tries to ignore. But in this case, a lot more than recess is at stake.

 One of my sources for this talk is the book Deer Hunting With Jesus by Joe Bageant. I’ve also drawn from interviews with J.D. Vance as well as his book Hillbilly Elegy. I have read both, and I highly recommend Deer Hunting with Jesus. Bageant grew up in a small town in Virginia. After high school he went off to college, became a successful journalist and lived for many years in New York City. When talking to his many liberal friends, he would often be asked why rural southerners so often voted in ways that were contrary to their self interests. Finally, toward the end of his career, he moved back to his hometown and set about trying to answer that question. Deer Hunting With Jesus is the result.

 When Bageant interviews his old classmates, one of the things he discovers is that none of them knows a liberal. Their own thoughts, their own views and opinions are constantly being reflected back to them and little or nothing to the contrary has a chance to get through. Their lives and the milieu in which they live are insular.

 But that’s not just true of conservatives.

 During the election I saw a FB post in which a person demanded, “Anyone voting for Trump, please unfriend me.” Pretty soon, we’ll all be living inside intellectual and ideological gated communities where the only people we talk to and hear from are those who think like us.

 One of the best things about being a financial failure as an author is that economic necessity forced me out into the world. Had I been successful, I would have sequestered my big old queer self in my cozy little study and spent my days happily writing lies. As it is, I have to work, and so, at least 3 days a week, I substitute teach in schools all over Petaluma from grades 3-12. As a result, hundreds of children get to rub shoulders with a real, live, breathing transsexual who, unlike the ones they see in the media, is not rich, famous or sexy. And whenever I can, I make it a point to interact with the kids in their Mossy Oak camo sweatshirts, because I am likely to be the only transsexual person they ever get a chance to be around, and I want them to know I think they matter, and that I care about them. They don’t always warm up to me. They certainly don’t all like me. They can be cruel. But this is what I can do. I can reach across the divide and offer myself in friendship.

 And so can you, but to do that we’ll all have to:

 - Stop having a litmus test for who is and who is not worthy of conversation. We need to be talking with racists. In the Nov. 26 issue of the NYT, there is an op/ed piece entitled “Why I Left White Nationalism” by Derek Black. Mr. Black grew up in a white nationalist family — David Duke was his godfather, and his father started Stormfront, the first major white nationalist website — and he was once considered the bright future of the movement. What changed him is – and I will let him speak for himself – “ I began attending a liberal college where my presence prompted huge controversy. Through many talks with devoted and diverse people there — people who chose to invite me into their dorms and conversations rather than ostracize me — I began to realize the damage I had done. Ever since, I have been trying to make up for it.

 - We need to stop policing speech like English teachers police grammar. It just shuts people down.

 - We are going to have to engage in forbidden conversations, e.g. immigration, abortion, gun rights, religion. And when we engage in these conversations, we must do unto others as we would have them do unto us; which is to say: listen, be curious, be open to their side of the issue, and be prepared to alter or change our own views, and look for any and all common ground. There IS common ground there, but we’ll never find it if we don’t talk to one another.

2. We need to be more critical of our own thinking and aware of our biases.

 Under the best of circumstances, even for well educated people, it is hard to be aware of and critical of our own presuppositions and the presuppositions of our group.

 I remember on day saying to a little boy in my class, When you meet the right girl… and later, I thought to myself, how do you know he’s not gay? It’s so hard to see those heteronormative presuppositions, but once I did, whenever I had cause to say something similar, I would say, When you meet that special person…It was easy to fix, once I recognized the unconscious presupposition.

 Being an educator, I’m especially aware of the presuppositions and prejudices that guide so much of our thinking about school.

 The poet, thinker and social prophet, Wendell Berry has said, “A powerful superstition of modern life is that people and conditions are improved inevitably by education.” (W. Berry, What Are People For, pg. 24) (I know a high school principle who puts a quote by Oscar Wilde at the end of her emails: You can never be overdressed or overeducated.) He then goes on to tell the story of Nate Shaw, the pseudonym for a black farmer born in Alabama in 1885. When he finishes paying a moving and eloquent tribute to this remarkable man, he asks: So do you think Nate Shaw would have inevitably been improved by education? Clearly the answer is no. And there are all sorts of successful people, some of whom have made tremendous contributions, who have not been well educated. Would they have inevitably been improved by education? That’s not a given. In fact, as Berry points out, if life on the planet is destroyed, it will almost certainly be by the college educated.

 One unfortunate, even dangerous, consequence of this superstition about education is it has led to the denigration of physical labor and the people who do it.

 When I went from being a school bus driver to being a substitute teacher, I realized just how differently people see those two occupations and the people who do them. Never mind that, as a bus driver, I made more money and had more authority over the children in my charge, my movement from a blue collar worker to a white collar worker was initially viewed with considerable suspicion by many “white collar” teachers.

I recently saw one of those inspirational posters hanging on the wall of a middle school classroom. It began: “I can be…” then went on to list a slew of possible occupations that were colorfully inscribed on a black background in the shape of a light bulb, symbolizing, I assume, that these were occupations of the enlightened or occupations that would bring enlightenment – or, probably, both. Here’s a quick rundown of some of the occupations listed: software developer, doctor, meteorologist, airplane pilot, anthropologist, microbiologist, epidemiologist, astronaut, cartographer, network analyst, medical scientist, computer programmer, veterinarian, zoologist, geographer, archeologist, architect, conservation scientist and so on down to chemist. I found it ironic that nowhere on this classroom inspirational poster did I find the occupation of – teacher.

 Our life on this planet depends on 6 inches of topsoil and the occupation most directly involved with the stewardship of this vital resource, farming, is not, and will likely never be, on the list of things we want our students to aspire to. But the truth is, we could lose every occupation on that poster, and we’d still survive, but without 6 inches of topsoil and the knowledge of how to farm it, we’re just so many skeletons littering the face of the planet.

We need to recognize that no matter how enlightened we imagine ourselves to be, we are not immune to unexamined presuppositions, biases, prejudices and even superstitions just like those damn conservatives.

 3. “We must be able to imagine ourselves as peacemakers,” the great poet and prophet Wendell Berry writes. “The serious question is whether you're going to become a warrior community and…I think the only antidote to that is imagination. You have to develop your imagination to the point that permits sympathy to happen. You have to be able to imagine lives that are not yours or the lives of your loved ones or the lives of your neighbors. You have to have at least enough imagination to understand that if you want the benefits of compassion, you must be compassionate. If you want forgiveness you must be forgiving.

It's a difficult business, being human.” (Wendell Berry, Sojourners magazine July 2004)

 Contrary to what the pundits say; contrary to the vote talley, there are not 2 Americas; there is only one America, and we are all its citizens. We need to eschew the narrative of us vs them. It is only us; it’s only we.

 There’s a beautiful story of what that looks like, but – trigger warning – I’m going to have to read from the Bible again.

 Luke 19:41 - Jesus weeps over Jerusalem.

 So Jesus climbs to a high place where he can look down on the city of Jerusalem, who’s name in the ancient tongue is “city of peace.” Say what you will about the man, but he was not an idiot. He knew the fate that awaited him there; knew that, short of a miracle, the residents of that city, many who had flocked to hear him in the early days, would turn on him like a pack of hyenas; knew that the leaders would finally succeed in what they had been trying to do for years: kill him. He looks down on the city where he knows he will be murdered; and he weeps for it. Now maybe he wept for himself as well; for his followers who he loved and who he knew would be so heartbroken and bereft without him; maybe he wept for the failure of his vision, his hope, his dream for a different kind of Kingdom. Surely, if only in our imaginations, we can allow him that. But Luke shows him weeping for the city itself: “My people, my people…”

 If we are going to rise above the default setting of gerbils and be the people where the violence stops, this, it seems to me, must become our prayer: “My people, my people…” Not just “our people,” not “those people,” certainly not “you people” – My people. It is in this prayer, it is in this position, this stance, that we become the peace for which we pray. “My people, my people…”

 But that’s not the end of the story, because the next thing that happens, the very next thing…well, let me read it:

 Luke 19:45 - Jesus cleanses the temple.

 This passage requires a bit of exegesis to understand fully. Contrary to what the text would seem to indicate, it is likely that Jesus was not upset with the money changers themselves. The exchange of coinage was essential to the operation of the Temple. When Jesus overturns the tables of the money changers, he is, in effect, shutting down the normal operation of the Temple. Why? Because beginning with Herod and continuing after his death in 6 BCE, the temple was, in addition to its legitimate cultic function, the center of local collaboration with Rome. The temple, which was to be the house of worship of the God of liberation, of justice and mercy had come to be run by officials, installed by Rome, who colluded with the Empire for their own profit. The Empire, in turn, followed the economic rules of the domination system, which, briefly, was rule of the many by the few, economic exploitation, with religious legitimation. In other words, the Temple then like the church now, especially, as we saw in the election, the evangelical church, has become the handmaiden of the Empire, pronouncing divine sanction on the status quo. This is the temple Jesus shuts down. And he’s not exactly peaceful about it either.

 You know those airline miles you’ve been accumulating? You might want to save them. I just gave a bunch ours to Lia so she can attend the Million Woman March in DC on Jan. 21. “I need to do it for my daughter,” she said. You know your bucket list, you might need to dump it out and replace it with direct acts of resistance. You know that vacation you were planning? You might need to be prepared to sacrifice it for something bigger.

 And then, you know what happens next according to Luke? Jesus is found teaching.

 Look, I know you’re not biblical people, but you’ve got to admit, this is not a bad program: grief, direct action, teaching.  But I cannot emphasize enough: it all depends on our willingness and our ability to pray the prayer: “My people, my people…” And I hope you will hold that prayer in your hearts and your minds as we sing our closing hymn: “We’ll Build A Land.”

 AMEN