#but paps taem hes just ??? a simple bub tryin to figure shit out and now he can

[katrinawritesthings]

Jonghyun/Taemin; Growing Up (Part 3/3); PG

“Okay, I got my perfume,” Jonghyun announces. He continues tapping the spray snow around his wrists and looks around expectantly. “Who wants to kiss me?”

1-2-3-Epilogue

Episode Nine Taemin is dealing with this whole crush thing better than he expected.

Like, he’s honestly kind of proud of himself for how he’s handling this. He doesn’t go out of his way to talk to Jonghyun, but doesn’t completely avoid him either. When Jonghyun tells him to do things he takes his time like he wouldn’t do whatever he asked in a heartbeat. When they do another affection test and Jonghyun winds up in first and he in second, he sits so close to Jonghyun that their sides press together but he keeps his arms wrapped firmly around his little stuffed animal pal. When Kibum is last to be picked and Jonghyun moves the last stuffed animal out of Yoogeun’s tiny reach, Taemin even mildly disapproves for a moment before he’s giggling at Jonghyun’s playfulness.

He’s doing good, very good, at managing his crush and not making it too obvious or dying on the inside every time Jonghyun so much as looks at him. The longer he spends knowing about it and dealing with it the better he gets. It’s a very comforting feeling, knowing that he has this under control. He feels like he might even get over the whole thing at some point soon. He’s fine. Things are going fine.

And then they’re at the mall and they wind up on a team together.

It’s a weird fucking feeling, to be bitter and also elated about something at the same time, but that’s the only way that Taemin can describe his emotions about this. When he pressed his shoulder up against Jonghyun’s before they went inside, that was his last controlled attempt at contact for the rest of this trip. Now they’re supposed to wander around the mall together for like half an hour and he’s supposed to just be okay with that and not melt or anything. Fuck.

At least he’s getting his wish from the other week, kind of. He’s is dying on the inside but at least he’s having a good time while it happens. The cameras aren’t exactly ideal but besides that, he was right--it’s just fun to hang out with Jonghyun and shop. He’s so touchy, so jokey, so endearing in his tiny movements and breathy laughs. Every time he tugs on Taemin’s wrist or laughs at his own jokes Taemin can physically feel himself falling harder and harder.

Eventually, they’ve picked out and bought a whole nice little outfit for Yoogeun, accessories included, and have one whole dollar left to get ice cream with. That’s a whole production on it’s own, but they’re finally given a tiny container and two spoons. Jonghyun slings his arm around Taemin’s shoulders in victory and Taemin closes his eyes, heart so full and warm it feels like it might burst out of his chest.

He’s going to have to confront this and figure it out at some point, but for now, he enjoys Jonghyun’s weight and warmth pressed against him, Jonghyun’s proud voice so close and soft by his ear.

Episode Ten Taemin really wishes the others hadn’t spoiled Yoogeun with a billion kissies earlier. Now the little booger expects them from everyone, including him, even when he isn’t feeling like it. He doesn’t want kissies. He just wants to zone out and daydream about holding Jonghyun’s hand and napping on his shoulder, because if he’s going to have this crush he’s at least going to get some enjoyment out of it. He’s cold and tired on this train to nowhere today and he doesn’t feel like getting spitty baby lip germs on him.

They should teach Yoogeun about that, honestly. About not having to show physical affection to people you love just because you love each other or whatever. That’s a good lesson.

“Taemin is refusing him,” Kibum says, fond amusement in his voice. Taemin smiles in spite of his grumpy mood, mostly for the cameras but partly because this is kind of funny, yeah. He leans way way way back, almost all the way back into one of their staff, to avoid Yoogeun’s kiss.

“Taemin wants to have his first kiss with a girl,” Jonghyun grins.

“Yeah,” Taemin says immediately, grinning back at him as he straightens up and readjusts Yoogeun in his arms. Kibum takes him easily without asking, leaving Taemin to lean up against the door of the train and latch further onto Jonghyun’s save. “I wanna have my first kiss with a girl.”

At that, everyone looks at him, judging, and Taemin feels heat creeping into his face. Heck. They think he’s lying.

“I haven’t done it yet,” he insists, “really,” but of course, no one fucking believes him, which is honestly wild, in his opinion. He doesn’t know what the other four have been doing where they’ve been getting some choice lip action, but he’s been busy being an idol and studying for class and sleeping and shit.

Though, when he thinks about it later, during a lull of the train ride, he was still technically lying, but not because he’s had his first kiss already. He tries not to think about it, because it’s still a very distressing line of thought, but watching Jonghyun come back into the train, blushy and grinning from the embarrassment of his latest challenge, he has to admit it himself. He doesn’t want to have his first kiss with a girl.

He wants to have his first kiss with Jonghyun.

And he decides, as they’re all walking sleepily down the road to their vacation house, that he’s going to do it.

Episode Eleven For someone that just spent the last few weeks desperate for things to do to take his mind off of Jonghyun, Taemin fucking hates that they’re always doing something on this mini vacation.

Like it wasn’t terrifying enough that he’s accepted his crush, and that he’s decided to try to do something about it--now he has to fucking sit here and do a bunch of “fun bonding activities” one after the other and he has to do all of it with that anxiety looming over him the entire time.

He’s having fun, yeah, and this is actually really nice and fun bonding time, but, like, still. He’s bitter and dying inside. Yesterday was bad enough, with the tiring journey up here, the getting settled, the walk by the river, and all of the nonsense and games that went with dinner.

That was fine, he guesses, besides the crushing pressure of an unrequited crush hanging heavily over his head and no one else’s the entire time. This morning was fucking garbage--he never wants to hear another kids song again and it’s gonna be months at least before he can enjoy a morning boner without linking it to that challenge--and now, as they’re all messing around with yet another affection test, he’s so tense and wound up so tight he thinks he might explode soon.

Jonghyun actually followed him earlier, jogged halfway down the hallway to the bathroom with him to giggle about how he lost the challenge and be an obnoxious little goober. Taemin keeps replaying that moment in his head. It was just a few seconds, really, and he knows it wouldn’t have been enough time to grab Jonghyun and explain about his crush and talk everything through, but his brain just keeps trying to tell him that he should have done it. It was probably the only fucking shot he had to get it done and over with and he blew it.

And now he’s here, watching everyone trying to gain validation from the whims of a child, and being grateful that at least he still cares enough about this to be mildly disappointed when Yoogeun picks Kibum instead of him. Like, at least he’s not completely obsessed with Jonghyun. That’s good.

Then Jonghyun grabs his hand.

“I wanna do it with Taemin,” he says, standing up from where he’d been watching on the floor.

And that’s not even anything romantic either; it’s just Jonghyun being bitter about losing and wanting another chance to not be last. Taemin still follows easily, holds Jonghyun’s hand until he lets go, sits just close enough that he can touch his foot against Jonghyun’s, and melts on the inside. Crushes are fucking wild.

Yoogeun picks Jonghyun, which was honestly a fifty-fifty shot, so Taemin isn’t too bummed about that. What he is bummed about is that when Jonghyun picks Yoogeun up and makes little kissie noises at him, Taemin finds himself feeling legitimately jealous of a four year old.

This vacation can’t be over soon enough.

Episode Twelve The soft, warm, genuine, loving smile that graces Jonghyun’s lips when he peeps in and finds their surprise party is the loveliest thing Taemin has ever seen in his entire life.

Like, yeah, Jonghyun is a loud obnoxious toe sometimes, but other times he really can’t hide that he cares about them all and has soft, fond, loving emotions in his heart about them. Taemin spends most of the party melty and floaty, taking every chance to touch or talk or be with him that he can, from holding his arms behind his back for birthday punches to just sitting next to him and watching him accept his presents.

“Okay, I got my perfume,” Jonghyun announces. He continues tapping the spray snow around his wrists and looks around expectantly. “Who wants to kiss me?”

And at that moment, in that heavy second between Jonghyun saying that and Minho calling for Yoogeun, Taemin comes so close to volunteering, so close to admitting that he wants to kiss Jonghyun to everyone, so close to revealing way more about himself than he ever should to a room full of cameras, that he snaps out of his enamored bubble and issues a direct order to his own brain to talk to Jonghyun about his crush and to do it as soon as humanly possible.

Which is how, after filming wraps at the house for the final time and the other three go home or to other schedules and Jonghyun stays behind with Taemin to help the camera crew clean, Taemin finds himself tugging Jonghyun behind the big folding screen with a quiet, “Hey, um, can I--can we--come take a break with me?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Jonghyun says. He twists his wrist in Taemin’s hand so they can hold hands instead, friendly and platonic, which is extremely distressing and should probably stop immediately.

Taemin squeezes his hand gently and slips in between all of the junk thrown between the screen and the wall so he can sit with his back to the wood. Jonghyun sits next to him, pulling his knees up to his chest and taking his hand away from Taemin’s to wrap around them. Taemin, hand still all warm and tingly, fiddles awkwardly with his fingers in his lap. Their sides are pressed together warm and solid and Taemin is half frozen just from debating with himself over whether or not he should move. It’s so nice.

“Sleepy?” Jonghyun asks him quietly. Taemin glances at him, shrugs, nods.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. When is he not sleepy, honestly. Thanks for caring about me, my heart just melted, he doesn’t say. Jonghyun hums in agreement and leans his head on Taemin’s shoulder.

“Thanks for the birthday party,” he mumbles. Taemin isn’t looking, because he feels like if he looks his heart will stop, but he can still hear the tiniest, softest smile in Jonghyun’s voice. “I really love you guys,” he sighs, and hooooly shit. When Jonghyun is quiet, when he’s off camera, when he’s casual and sleepy, when he’s himself, he’s so open and warm and genuine. Just like when he first saw his party. Taemin clenches his fists in his lap and takes a deep breath and talks without even really processing what words are coming out of his mouth.

“Jonghyun I’ve been meaning to tell you something for like a month and I don’t know how to say it cleverly without being really weird and awkward so I’m just going to say it right now really fast,” he says, really fast, and then he stops, because he can’t say it. Fuck.

He can feel Jonghyun’s confused pause before he sits up straight and leans forward a little, twisting so he can look at Taemin better. His brows are furrowed in concern, one hand reaching out to touch Taemin’s knee.

“Are you okay?’ he asks. “Did you get in trouble? Did someone hurt you? Was it--” his eyes narrow. “Was it you that put the mangas back in unalphabetical order? Have you been reading them without us? You know that’s like, band bonding time.” He moves his hand up to squish Taemin’s thigh grumpily. Taemin was halfway to scrunching his nose guiltily--because yeah, actually, that was him--but now he just sucks in a sharp breath. He can’t deal with this. He can’t deal with Jonghyun, with his worry and concern, with his eagerness to spend time with them, with his warm hand, with his soft, plush, pretty, pink lips.

He needs to just get this done and over with. He wants to go back to being stressed about normal things, like bugs and being famous. Jonghyun leans a little closer to try to peep into his eyes and Taemin takes another big breath.

“I’ve had a crush on you,” he says, “for like, two months? And I’ve been trying to figure it out and get over it by myself but I can’t because I just. Keep thinking about you and wanting to snuggle you or whatever and I keep wondering what it would be like and I just--I want you to--can you make out with me for a little bit?”

The question comes out by accident, but as he says it he doesn’t try to stop it. He thinks that would help, yeah. There’s a long, heavy silence as Jonghyun stares blankly at him. His hand doesn’t move from Taemin’s leg.

“What?” he asks, and Taemin scrunches his face. God. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with him. “Taemin…,” Jonghyun says, lifts his hand to rub the side of his head. He looks away, looks up, looks back to Taemin with a little frown. Taemin doesn’t want to think of what he’s going to say, but he does anyway--”what the fuck,” “are you gay,” “that’s gross,” “you’ve ruined our friendship forever and we can never be alone together again--”

“You’re, like, sixteen,” Jonghyun says.

“I--oh,” Taemin says. He. Oh. That’s not what he was expecting. Now he knows even less what to say. Like, he never prepared any anti homophobic comebacks anyway, but now he’s just confused. Jonghyun’s only hangup is an age thing? Oh. “I know that,” he says blankly. “I just.” He just. He sighs and rubs his palms into eyes.

“I don’t want you to fuck me, or anything,” he says. Whatever he’s been feeling romantically, there’s been no sexul attraction, which is honestly a blessing. He can’t imagine having to go through all of this bullshit with a boner the whole time as well. “Just….” He looks up and flops his hand out to pap Jonghyun’s knee. “Just, kiss me, for a little bit, just so I know what it’s like and so I can, you know, get over it. Hopefully.” He wiggles Jonghyun’s knee pleadingly, the realizes how that must look with his newly admitted crush, and then moves to take it away self-consciously. Jonghyun grabs his hand to stop him and pats it softly.

“I know that was a platonic touch, it’s fine,” he mumbles. Taemin looks at his hand and rubs his thumb over Jonghyun’s knee in a way that’s only slightly less platonic. Jonghyun stays quiet, staring at the floor and nibbling on his thumbnail. Taemin bites his lip as he waits and tries not to overthink Jonghyun’s response. He’s already a little dizzy from his nerves. He doesn’t need to make it worse.

His attempts don’t really work and instead he closes his eyes and tries to breathe deeply and tell himself over and over that Jonghyun doesn’t suddenly hate him forever. He’ll probably only hate him for, like, a year, at most. Until they start a new comeback and he has too much stuff to do to be busy with being mad at Taemin for liking him or whatever. Maybe. Probably. Fuck. Maybe Taemin should just tell him he was jok--

“Just kiss?” Jonghyun asks him suddenly. Taemin blinks out of his thoughts, then blinks more because everything is kind of blurry. When he focuses again Jonghyun is looking at him with his thumb rubbing slowly over his own lip. Taemin tries really hard not to stare and doesn’t succeed.

“Um,” he says. “Yeah. Maybe, uh, also.” He creeps his hand forward, slides it up Jonghyun’s leg until he can catch his hand again and hold it loosely. Jonghyun snorts, chuckles fondly, laces their fingers together and squeezes his hand. “Uh, fuck,” Taemin mumbles. That is. Nice.

“For how long?” Jonghyun asks him. Taemin blinks more at that, but this time in confusion. Uh. He doesn’t. Know.

“Uh. I don’t. Know?” he says. “How long… is the average makeout?”

“I mean,” Jonghyun says, and a little smirk curves up his lips. “For me, a while,” he grins. Taemin rolls his eyes. He doesn’t care about Jonghyun’s frequent lip-touching endeavors. “But, for us,” Jonghyun hums. “I guess, a few minutes, tops.” He shrugs; Taemin swallows hard, heart rate suddenly picking up in his chest.

“So, you’re saying, yes?” he says. His voice comes out a little broken, which is humiliating, but Jonghyun smiles simply and nods anyway.

“If it’ll help you destress, yeah,” he says. “You’re sure it’s not gonna tip you even deeper and make you wanna be, like, my boyfriend or anything, right? Because, I mean. You’re a child, and also, you know I’m. Trying to. Get with.” He trails off, waving a hand in circles and blushing a faint pink. Taemin snorts. His giant crush on Sekyung, Taemin knows. He won’t shut up about her ever. It’s adorably obnoxious, just like everything else about him.

“I’m pretty sure,” he says. He doesn’t have any experience with humans or anything but usually once he finally does something he’s been thinking about, he stops thinking about it. He doesn’t see why making out with a crush would be any different from the norm. If it does heck him up more then at least he won’t have any doubt over whether or not Jonghyun will actually consider it and that hard no will help him get over it by himself.

“Alright then,” Jonghyun shrugs. He gets to his knees in front of Taemin, leans forward, lifts his free hand to gently cup Taemin’s face. Taemin blinks very quickly, shudders out a heavy breath, stares at Jonghyun suddenly so warm and so close. Fuck. His lips look so soft. “You know how to kiss, right?” Jonghyun asks him quietly. Taemin scrunches his nose. He does not.

“No, I told you guys I haven’t done it yet on the train,” he mumbles, feeling heat creep into his cheeks. It’s not his fault if they didn’t believe him. Jonghyun looks blankly at him for a moment, then closes his eyes and sighs and shakes his head.

“God, that’s such a burden,” he mutters. “Your first kiss, now I gotta try extra hard to make it good, fuck.”

“Sorry?” Taemin offers, but Jonghyun shakes his head again.

“No, it’s fine, I wasn’t, like, experience shaming you or anything,” he says. Taemin snorts. Experience shaming. Well, good. He didn’t really mean his apology anyway. “Just,” Jonghyun says, and the thumb on Taemin’s jaw lifts to press against his bottom lip in a gentle tap that makes Taemin squeeze his hand hard. “My lip, then your lip, then my lip, then your lip,” he says. “Like a sandwich. Don’t pucker too much. Open your mouth a little but not a lot. Tilt your head to the left. Go slow. Just let me lead, okay?” He nods, expecting Taemin to nod back; Taemin blinks and takes a moment to absorb that round of rapid-fire kiss tips. He didn’t expect that, but he thinks he’s got it.

“Uh, okay,” he says.

“Okay,” Jonghyun smiles, and he leans forward and kisses Taemin.

Taemin blinks again because he wasn’t expecting that so suddenly either, but then he closes his eyes and tries to relax into it.

It proves to be surprisingly easy; Jonghyun’s skin is warm, his hands are steady, and most importantly, his mouth is soft and comfortable. Their lips fit together easily as Jonghyun kisses him again and again, all soft, slow, warm pecks and smooth slides.

It’s wetter than Taemin was expecting, but he doesn’t find it to be a bad thing. Every so often Jonghyun nibbles or sucks on his bottom lip, which makes him shiver. Jonghyun’s hand on his jaw slips around to the back of his head, angling him better into it, and he lets Taemin squeeze his hand as much as he wants. Taemin’s other hand taps eagerly on Jonghyun’s knee.

He wants to slide his hand up Jonghyun’s leg and to his waist, to pull Jonghyun in his lap so their bodies can press together and so he can wrap his arms around Jonghyun and hold him close for comfort. He wants to, but he doesn’t, because he feels like trying to push it to that point of intimacy would make Jonghyun cut their time short.

Though, honestly, as the kiss goes on, he doesn’t think he would mind cutting it short. It’s not that he doesn’t like it, but it’s just… not as big a deal as he thought it would be. He was expecting fireworks and rushing emotions and butterflies, not easy company and soft relaxation. He was expecting to feel closer and more in love with Jonghyun than ever before, not the same kind of platonic comfort that he gets when they hug or sleep snuggled together.

He feels like he’s been misled about kissing by all of the lovey dovey shit in the media. This isn’t exhilarating. It’s just nice. If this is what dating someone is like, what being in love is like, then he doesn’t really see how it’s different from just being close to your friends. Honestly, holding Jonghyun’s hand got him more fluttery than their lips touching, and he can do that without being romantic with him.

This kiss is going to come to a close soon, he thinks. He’s not entirely sure how much time has passed, but he’s gotten a knack for determining how long a few minutes feels from all of the songs he’s performed in his life. Jonghyun will probably be pulling away right… about….

“Mwah,” Jonghyun says cutely as he breaks off their kiss. Taemin exhales softly, amused at himself for predicting that so well, and blinks open his eyes. Jonghyun is sitting back on his heels and smiling at him pleasantly. His free hand finds Taemin’s on his knee so he can hold both and tap his fingers over Taemin’s knuckles. Taemin smiles fondly at their hands, rubs his thumbs over Jonghyun’s skin. That is still nice.

“So how was it?” Jonghyun asks. His voice is smooth, confident, proud of himself; one eyebrow is arched up expectantly and his mouth is curved up into a cocky little smirk. Taemin licks his lips, nibbles his bottom one, and shrugs.

“It was nice,” he says honestly. “Thanks.” He squeezes Jonghyun’s hands gratefully and makes to stand up. Their disappearance will probably get noticed soon and he doesn’t feel like coming up with a lie to give the staff about it.

“I--nice?” Jonghyun asks. He frowns up at Taemin like he was expecting more than that. Taemin just nods, tugging him gently to his feet.

“Yeah,” he says. “I know what it’s like now.” That’s all he wanted and it’s what he got. He’s happy with that. He should be able to sort himself out now. He shrugs again and reaches up to fix Jonghyun’s bangs out of his eyes. “Come on,” he says, and tugs Jonghyun back out from the screen. Jonghyun follows, pouting and shuffling his feet on the floor. Taemin drops his hand when they go back to the room with all of the people and stretches his arms over his head. He feels better.