#but people capable of healthy relationships aren't really capable of deeply understanding me and connecting with me

[no-one-hears-me]

boutta ask my bro if he has any hot friends to send my way as a distraction

[microcosmiclymbic]

Reasons #1-26 Why I am fighting for my physical and mental recovery:

1. Because my functional abilities have a lot of room for improvement. I can gain more access to the world so it would be silly not to

2. There are others with less access to personal freedom and they deserve my advocacy and I don't have spoons for that work right now

3. I want to actually play a game AND finish it AND enjoy it the whole way through

4. I don't want to remain so dependent on people or systems of power that aren't good for me. Especially not without a voice to advocate for myself

5. I want to travel AND by myself AND not get burnt out by the break in routine

6. I want to hike the Appalachian trail

7. I want to be able to fund people's crowdfunding campaigns

8. I want to become a really good Foster Parent. So I wanna be qualified to handle the kid's needs AND be capable of supporting them even after they leave AND have the capacity to adopt if needed AND support the parents/kids for reunification if ever desired and.... all that is a lot. I can't even take care of a dog rn. But I can learn and grow and gain the skills I need.

9. I need to divest. Which means I have to be brave enough to face the hard stuff AND kind enough to forgive mistakes AND disciplined enough to follow through with change even when it gets tough AND honest with myself when I'm doing wrong AND strong enough to stand against others AND.....

10. I need the spoons to build more spoons

11. I want to help build a self sufficient urban community as a safe haven for the disabled & divergent. So I want to be capable of managing a homestead AND solving complex accessibility puzzles AND raising funding

12. I want to playfully wrestle my lover

13. I want to enjoy sex. To laugh, gasp, be untriggered, unrushed. To experience new depths and new understanding

14. I'm curious about who I can become. Who I am for that matter

15. I don't want to ever harm anyone else again. And when I do I want to be capable of recognizing it. And when I don't I want to be able to listen when someone tells me I did wrong. No matter what I want to be capable of repairing the harm I have done. I want to end cycles

16. I want to gain health certifications. Personal training. Massage Therapy. Physical Therapy Assistant. Nutritionist. Nursing. I want to never stop gaining credentials that will inform and improve my ability to help others

17. I want to learn to prioritize my own needs. To never wonder if my cup is half full or half empty because I know I've already done what I need to fill it. I want to set a boundary the moment I notice discomfort and to do it with love.

18. I want to learn how to dance. To intimately know the boundaries of my body. To be in such close relationship with it that I have fluid access to movements that are enjoyable to me.

19. I want to go to a theme park without worrying about accessibility. Because I'm already experienced with all my needs and prepared to have them accommodated

20. I want to be able to cuddle for more than a few minutes

21. I want to be a good friend. To maintain a healthy friendship with boundaries, emotional intimacy, trust, communication, growth, joy. To build a container capable of holding every part of us.

22. I want to be a qualified crisis supporter for respite. Capable of holding space for someone in the midst of a mental crisis free from any carceral "support."

23. I have unique skills that deserve to be witnessed. Skills that are both known and unknown to me.

24. I'm honestly tired of being dissociated so dang much. I want to be present all the time. I want to notice the little things and feel grateful for them

25. I want to feel connected to other humans. I don't like feeling so deeply misunderstood and alone. And I know the connection needs to grow from me.

26. I want to be a vagabond like the crusty kids who came through with stories galore back when I was a sad little homebum. I wanna catch trains, hitch rides and yearn under a different bridge every week

[mercurytail]

Ashe

I just wanted to make a post talking about Ashe, her character, and her lore. 

A lot of this is culminated from my own personal context and views. So, if you disagree with anything, that's perfectly valid and you are 100% allowed to have your own opinions. I'm not sharing this to try and change anyone's mind. Just putting it out there for the sake of discussion and to share my own thoughts. (this is all very personal, please keep that in mind)

(I won't be commenting on race, sexuality, or relationships in this post.)

Ashe is a beautiful (tho sexualized and de-aged) portrayal of the classic 'Southern' femme fatale and a good counterpart to McCree in that aspect. She's got the attitude, the look, and the talk to match up to McCree in image in almost every way. I like the 'headstrong' female type. (McCree is also a stereotype; the sweet Southern cowboy with a heart of gold, a crooked past, and the charm to get out of anything.) 

As a person raised in the southwest of the usa, I am quite fond of my southern heritage. ( :I barring the fucked up moral stereotypes and other negative images that come along when thinking about 'southern' culture.) To see such a 'classic' portrayal in a game I love made my heart sing! I thought: "fuck yeah! I can relate to this character!"

Its personally a heart warming quality because it reminds me of my mother, grandmother, aunts and even adoptive family that were raised as fine southern ladies that don’t take no shit.

That said, my experience in being raised in the southern usa is my own.

Here in the 'South' at least in my experience ( I understand that this can also be seen as an over-generalization.) you are raised to believe family is important. Family is EVERYTHING.

Yes, you are your own person. You can choose what you want to do with your life. However, you are raised with a DEEP respect for your elders and family. (even if that family isn't blood). You don't talk about someone's momma, sister, brother, or whatever in front of them and get away with it.

Also, you do not disrespect your momma or grandmomma period. It's a common trope to 'stick to your family' or 'your roots' in southern culture media.

"Everybody needs a family - I don't care how tough you think you are. they should always be there for support. no matter what." This is a SOLID line. I was raised with the mindset of love and care for my family, loved ones, and friends wholeheartedly, no matter how 'bad' it gets or how bad they act. Dedication, if you will.

And these ideals are VERY visible and vocalized is southern society even if you aren't a part of any specific family. A good example is 'Southern Hospitality'. That old lady/grandmother that won’t let you go hungry or being raised with the mindset of helping each other out through thick and thin, even if its out of the way or giving a little more when you trade crops/goods with someone your close to.

So, Ashe KNOWS her family isn't Ideal (in the setting she's in) "Some people at lucky enough to be born into the perfect family."

Her parents are cast as nonexistent. Not there at any point. She is utterly alone with only her 'mute' butler as a companion. (fucking love B.O.B.) It also seems she had trouble in school. In the principal's office she is between two beat up boys where she seems fine herself. Also, she is alone, all the adults are pointing at her. No one is on her side.   

Now, Idk why because there is not REAL context to it but, I can make a couple of assumptions. Either she got into fights for attention or the boys picked on her and she stood up for herself - which also shows her "tough”ness. (if they picked on her there is a long list of reasons why but, the most prominent in my mind is the lack of 'family' she has. like: "where's your momma? ya ain't got one?" - this is all assumptions tho.)

Now, I want to ask "what does loneliness do to a person?" Well, you tend to do things to better your situation. Like act out for attention or find other ways to get that 'Family' bond.

I feel like this is a good spot to mention yes, she's rich as fuck. Yes, she had monetarily everything she could want but, is that really all she wants? As many can tell you, money doesn't buy happiness. It can't buy genuine love, connection, trust from someone...a lot of things that are essential for a healthy happy human being. I understand some would argue that money can buy a lot of other things but, given the context of 'classic southern' setting and all this family talk from Ashe herself, I'm leaning on the fact the money wasn't what she wanted or the issue.

(this is very opinion based) I don’t think it’s that she was ‘bored’, I think Ashe committed some small criminal acts in an effort to catch her family's attention. She finds she ENJOYS doing it. It fills all her tick boxes. This is how McCree comes to meet her. "a chance meeting with a local ruffian, named Jesse McCree, and an impromptu string of crimes committed together opened her eyes to her true calling." (there is no explanation for 'chance meeting' so, i chose to assume since shes shown alone at the police station in her origin story, she at least committed some small crimes on her own to begin with and this is how the 'chance meeting' happened.)

Crime gives her an avenue to what she wants; a purpose "Calling", friends AND with McCree it gives her a 'bond'. The first piece of her 'Family'.

McCree likes her intelligence and attitude. So, he takes the chance to get this well-off young lady on his side and they become partners, and gain a sense of sister-brother bond along the way. They meet others that join the 'Family' and then She, McCree, and her ‘Family’ founded The Deadlock Gang. Giving Ashe in a way what she's always wanted.

To me, If McCree was her first real 'Family' that she found. It explains really well why she would keep a picture of him around EVEN after twenty years. It hurt her deeply after he left/taken from her 'Family'. I could see her holding quite a bit of rage and resentment towards him (at least in the beginning). Somewhat reflected in their interactions in the short: "Doesn't always have to be this way Ashe." - McCree, "Apparently...It does." - Ashe. 

This alludes to a strained or rocky relationship. Idk if it is meaning always as in since they met or since McCree left or some weird in between. (If it were an in between woah... that opens a whole nother can of worms i'm not gonna get into in this post. 'possibly leaving him short on deals once they got big or without help when a certain sting happened')

Also, Even though she loses to the ‘Hero’ in the short because she is the ‘villain’ (I mean, who wouldn’t be upset if McCree lost in the short???), that doesn't make her weak. She is super intelligent and capable. Shown by her past. She’s smart and knows how to use her connections AND Shes the BOSS of the gang!

Anyway, that sums up most of my thoughts on Ashe. ^u^ I'd love to discuss more on it. If you disagree that's valid and as I said i'm not here to change your mind. I just ask you respect my view on it. I don't mind if you come along and discuss it with me, maybe show me stuff I didn't see or your views on it. It'll be fun!