#but so like. when don drives past the duplex and sees the paramedics and already knows that the unthinkable has come to pass. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fuckdamn · 2 years

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slightly drunk but i’m sitting here thinking about jane margolis and like actually actively sobbing. i’m so sad she died what the fuck. her dad was a hardass and probably not someone i’d like very much irl but he also clearly loved her very very profoundly and if he didn’t like that he couldn’t always understand her lifestyle and choices and motives it wasn’t out of disgust or whatever it was because he was scared that if he couldn’t understand her then he couldn’t help her. is that fair to her?? no. and in the end he couldn’t save her because you can’t really save someone from themselves but how can that fact be any consolation when its your own child?? AND how can jane deal with being treated like a problem without internalizing that he thinks she’s a problem?? there’s no good answers there’s no right answers there’s only love that’s there despite everything and care and tenderness and the art that jane left behind and her room exactly how she left it like she could come back at any second but she CAN’T because don WATCHED them zip his lifeless daughter into a body bag and cart her off. that’s it. their last confrontation was a fight and the last time he saw her she was crying and she deserved better and she should have had more time and that’s all you can really say!! and don and jesse will have to carry on under the weight of not only crushing grief but crushing guilt (while the man who could have literally physically saved her will continue to justify his failure to act through increasingly twisted rationale). jane was edgy and snarky and ostensibly kept most people at arm’s length but she was vulnerable just beneath the surface and she was dry and funny and smart and self-possessed and creative and she made beautiful things and saw beauty in things and she was kind enough to give jesse a chance when nobody else would and making impulsive mistakes during a relapse doesn’t make her some kind of evil temptress who was in it for the money all along and the fact that i’ve seen so many dudebro takes that imply just that makes me want to scream. she was only in like half a season but to me she is utterly indelible i love you jane i hope you are painting sick ouroboros murals in the afterlife

#lotte.txt #truly part of it is that father/daughter stuff just Gets to me #and (okay tw for talk of my own mental health issues in tags)#(namely suicide and sh and things of that nature)#but when i think of my suicide attempts and the worst of my self harm issues. and the way my parents were so afraid and i couldn’t see why #because in my mind it was just a battle of wills — i wanted control (over my life over my death) and they wanted to control me #for reasons — whatever they were — i couldn’t internalize that they were angry because they were scared and they loved me #but looking back on that time in my life now with much more clarity and a much better relationship with them?#the thought that i was so close to TAKING myself from them? that they were so close to losing a child who they love? haunts me breaks me #and if those thoughts ever resurface i imagine imagining how crushed my parents would be — i can’t even actually *imagine* it because itself #too painful #and my father is rational and reasonable and utilitarian sometimes to a fault and i rarely see him show fear or intense emotion #he is very loving and very kind but he’s a solutions first comfort second kinda guy #and i just remember how the solutions he would offer wouldn’t always help but he’d always offer them and sometimes it was annoying #but like he was doing what he could. he was trying so hard to keep me present and safe and healthy and alive #i don’t want to look at all of this through rose colored glasses because i had some really ugly moments w my parents. as jane did with don #but the point is (and i’m lucky enough to be alive to realize this) that this was all predicated upon profound love #and like again. the thought of even picturing how my dad would take it if i died is too much to bear #even typing this is making me weep uncontrollably lol #but so like. when don drives past the duplex and sees the paramedics and already knows that the unthinkable has come to pass.#the look of abject devastation and hollowness on his face. like the light’s gone out forever. it breaks me to my fucking core #i identify with jane in a lot of ways and . and like . okay you get my gist #ANYWAY!!!!!!! :D #brba #jane margolis

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