#but still sending weird ass videos to people who signed up to your texting list

[thewafflewhat]

we love a ship that has the ‘frenemies’ to ‘journey’ to ‘relationship’ glow up

[cardiophileanonymous]

Late Night Errands Chapter 1

Mulder x Reader

Summary: The reader is a paralegal preparing to help defend her client on trial in a week. The stress has finally convinced her to go out and get a stethoscope to help calm her down. Little does she know a certain agent was watching her out while she was out late at night, and it makes her a prime suspect in his eyes.

Y/n= your name

Y/f/n Y/l/n= your first and last name

B/f/n= your best friend’s name

...

Y/n slammed the door shut then started to punch the sides of the steering wheel. What in the world was going through her mind? Of course this store wouldn’t have any stethoscopes! Even if it was a pharmacy. People don’t have stuff like that lying around in their homes. Not normal people, anyway. What was she gonna say to the employee when they inevitably asked why she was looking for one? “Oh, I don’t need one, I just want it for my weird-ass heartbeat kink!” Yeah, that was one conversation she didn’t want to have.

She silently stared at the moon for a few brief moments. Why couldn’t she have a normal kink like everyone else? Like feet, maybe. It still would’ve been weird, but dammit, at least she’d be able to find porn of it. The best she could find easily was cardiophilia fanfiction, and even then, it was scarce.

She snuck glances around the parking lot. Nobody in sight. So hopefully, nobody would notice the blush on her face when she brought up an hour long “asmr heartbeat” video for the sake of calming herself down.

She smiled in bliss. When a heartbeat was in the background, it was like everything melted away. She groaned in frustration when she heard a text from her friend, B/f/n.

Don’t forget we’re having lunch tomorrow! I’m taking your mind off that trial if it’s the last thing I do!

She was double pissed now that the stress of last week filled her head. She was a paralegal, and one of her clients was set to go on trial less than a week from now. It was the oddest case she’d ever seen. The case of Bill Brown.

The man had killed exactly one-hundred people in the span of less than half a year. And the details he gave were chilling. They were vivid and graphic. So, he must’ve been a sociopath or something, right? Well he was super remorseful. And upon turning himself in, that’s right, turning himself in, he sobbed for three days straight. What’s strangest was he claimed he didn’t know they happened until the memories came back to him that night.

She wouldn’t have believed it either, if he didn’t point to bodies that hadn’t been found yet. He helped officers uncover at least a quarter of his victims.

It gave everyone working in his defense a headache. Argue innocence and a false confession? He flat out admitted details the public didn’t know. Did they argue insanity? He seemed pretty fucking sane during interviews and psych evaluations. Self defense? Not in a million years.

What got at her was the genuine feeling he was innocent, and that someone, or something, could be out there. The idea of being out there in the city alone with it out and about gave her the creeps.

“Whatever,” she whispered, turning the audio up so she could return to her blissful ignorant state. Where everything melted away. Where she was actually pretty happy with a smile on her face. With that, she began to drive away.

…

All she could think about when she finished getting dressed was the trial. The trial, the trial, the trial. This was gonna be the biggest train wreck she would ever see in her career, and she had only become a paralegal a mere three years ago. She didn’t envy the defense attorneys she was working under.

Her thoughts were interrupted by three knocks at the door. Strange, she wasn’t expecting anyone today, except for B/f/n, and she was always late for everything.

She looked through the peephole to see two people in fancy clothing outside. She opened the door just a crack.

“H-hello…?”

“Y/f/n Y/l/n,” the man asked. Y/n nodded hesitantly. The man speaking held up the badge and the woman behind him did the same. “Agents Mulder and Skully, FBI. We have a few questions about your client. The one who’s set to go on trial next week.”

She turned her head to the side.

“I’m sorry, I think you might be mistaken. I-I’m not an attorney, I’m just a paralegal.”

“Oh, we’re not mistaken. That’s exactly why we wanted to talk to you.”

She looked inside her apartment real quick, then back at them.

“Okay… come on in. Just come in quickly so the cat doesn’t get out. She has a habit of running outside.”

She was internally grateful that her friend talked her into going out for lunch. She would’ve felt embarrassed if she had had to talk to these well dressed professionals in her pajamas. Skully knelt down, petting Y/n’s cat that had just walked up to the two.

“Um… would you like tea or anything? I’m about to make some for myself now.”

Skully lifted up one of her hands while she let the small animal nuzzle into her other one.

“That won’t be necessary. We plan to be out as soon as possible.”

“O-okay… um... I’m guessing you’re here to ask about Bill Brown?”

Mulder nodded.

“That’s correct.”

“I… don’t really understand. He’s set to go on trial less than a week from now. Why is the FBI getting involved? I thought this was settled, more or less.”

“We think he may be the wrong guy. We’re investigating a series of murders strikingly similar to the ones he supposedly committed a year and a half ago. We need to look at some of the previous evidence and cross examine it with the crimes happening now.”

She still seemed unconvinced.

“Why haven’t you gone to my firm? Or better yet, the police? I-I’m sure they have everything on file.”

Mulder shook his head.

“The lawyers won’t speak to us. And the police department doesn’t want to reopen the investigation when they’re so close to closing it. They don’t want to cause panic.”

She nodded. That actually wasn’t that hard a story to believe, considering the people she worked with on a daily basis. She just looked around the room.

“Okay… you might want to rethink my offer about the tea, then. And have a seat. Because this’ll take a long time.”

...

She presented them with a long list of documents. Some images, most legal papers. She pulled out the two things that were most of interest to her, a map of where the killings took place as well as a few images of supposed murder weapons.

“I’m not really sure what you’re looking for, so here's everything, I guess.”

Skully started flipping through the legal papers, reading passages of the man’s confession. Y/n’s cat slipped under Skully’s arms and laid on her lap as she continued to read. Mulder took a keen eye to the map.

“When did these murders take place?”

“Um, September 14th through February 10th, sir.”

“And he moved here the day these murders started, correct?”

“C-c-correct. You… didn’t already know this?”

“Oh I did. I just wanted to make sure you did. Encyclopedic knowledge of a case is the sign of a good paralegal, don’t you think?”

“Oh!” She let out an embarrassed chuckle. “Thanks…”

“Tell me, Y/n. What do you think happened?”

“Well, the evidence clearly shows he’s guilty, so… we are going to be arguing that he did these crimes due to mania and insanity.”

“No, Y/n. What do you really think?”

She looked down, and started to get finicky. She sat up straight.

“I think he’s innocent… and I have a theory about what happened. But… I don’t think anyone would believe me.”

Skully raised an eyebrow.

“Why haven’t you brought it up with any of the defense attorneys?”

She looked away, then back at the both of them.

“You won’t… tell anyone, right? I don’t wanna lose my job because everyone thinks I’m crazy.”

Mulder nodded expectantly.

“Of course not. Now, what did you find?”

She flipped through the papers.

“While they were at his house… they found a lot of these DVDs.” She was somewhat mumbling under her breath. When she pulled out the image she presented it to Mulder. “I’ve looked them up and they’re all from a lesser known hypnotist.”

Mulder read the bottom of the DVD covers.

“Hannah Martin?”

“...yes. I’ve tried to find those specific DVDs myself, on her website or Amazon or whatnot, but, uh, I can’t find them.”

“Why do you find these significant?”

“Um… Skully, was it? May I please have the written interview?”

She handed it to her. Now that her hands were free, Skully began to pet the cat sitting on her legs, who purred in appreciation. She cleared her throat and began to read.

“Bill said ‘I moved to start a new life, I tried to smile every day, I helped my neighbors, I listened to hypnosis videos every night before bed to make me a better person. I did my best to turn my life around… but I guess I was a monster this whole time. Last night, my memories came back to me in my dreams. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…’”

Mulder nodded.

“So you think that the hypnosis videos he watched before bed may have mind controlled or influenced him into committing these crimes overnight?”

Her face began to turn red and a wave of feeling stupid hit her.

“I’m sorry! I know that sounds insane!”

“No, not to me.” She was in awe. He was actually entertaining her insane supernatural idea? “How far have you looked into this Hanna Martin?”

“You have to pay at least five-hundred dollars for her to create a hundred and fifty custom sessions to send to you personally through DVDs. Um, the first alleged murder was one hundred and forty-nine days before the last alleged murder. That day he confessed would be day one hundred and fifty.”

Mulder seemed incredibly interested. He gazed down at the image he was holding.

“Thank you for bringing this information to my attention. Can you please scan this and make a copy for me? I want to see if I can track down these DVDs.”

“O-okay!”

She was a little excited that her idea was being entertained. And, aside from that, this agent was very cute! So he was cute and as conspiracy crazy as she was?! She smiled like a dope when she was no longer being watched, her back to the two. She began making the copy.

“Another question for you, Y/n.”

She gulped. Something about this man saying her name made her stomach drop.

“Y-yeah…?”

“Do you go out at night often?”

The feeling of her stomach dropping was now from fear.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw your car parked outside the local drugstore late last night, any reason for it?”

She swallowed, hard. She was going for ulterior motives, but she was relieved she had something to fall back on.

“I was getting my medication. Um, I can show you if you want proof?”

“There’s no need to. But midnight is fairly late to be running errands like that, don’t you think?”

She breathed in.

“I couldn’t sleep. So I thought I might as well do something productive.”

He nodded. She turned to look at him, but she couldn’t quite read his face. Was he insinuating what she thought he was? Or was this all in her head? If he thought she was involved, he was probably crazy. She just laid out all this evidence to prove her client innocent, and possibly even helped point to the real killer, yet he thought she might be the guilty one?

“Did you happen to purchase anything from this hypnotist?”

“No, I don’t have that kind of money… and besides, i-if I am right, I don’t know if I would want to get anything from her.”

“Mhm.”

Her dopey smile and blush was gone by the time she handed the copied image to Mulder.

“I’m not sure about the legality of this…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll deal with it.”

She was a bit angry when they left. B/f/n was a bit confused walking in.

“What happened?”

“Ugh! The stupid FBI is involved in the case now. They wanted to see some stuff.”

She tilted her head to the side and her nose crinkled in disbelief.

“The FBI?”

“I don’t know either! Just… help me pick up these papers. Actually, don’t! I need to make sure they’re all in order before court in a few days!”

She nodded as Y/n began to put everything as they were supposed to be.

“...that guy was kind of cute.”

She sighed.

“I thought that, too. But actually, he’s a dick.”

[ringmyheart]

Can I request Vin Jin boyfriend headcanons and some fluff? (You don't have to force yourself)

(This and the other vin jin rq were merged!)

Honestly the way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a very calm person or outgoing person. No matter what this relationship is gonna end up being considerably chaotic

He ropes you into everything he does. Doesn’t matter if u r a design student or an architecture student or if ur on the opposite side of the school from him, u r practically in his class. Dating him is like signing a contract sealing away ur own life bc he makes it a point to be ALWAYS w u

In class he doesn’t gaf if the teacher has ur seat on the other end of class, he is somehow finding a way to sit next to u against ur will or not. And when the teacher moves u two away from eachother INTENTIONALLY bc of this, he is threatening whoever happened to sit next to u to trade seats w him. He will go as far as to dress up as them to make it look like they’re them to be next to u and he’s so dramatic ab it.... being away from u felt like u were star crossed lovers whom the world was fiercely against

And if UR against this cuz ur tired of getting in trouble in class, or if you reject any of his advances, he’s gonna be really, really, really offended. He will at first sputter and be kinda shy and embarrassed about it, before he goes “fine! Have fun on your own without me, the greatest thing in your fucking life!”

He move seats back and will glare at you periodically every five minutes to pavlov dog you so that every five minutes every day, even when he’s not there, you feel the burning stare of vin jin

If you’re his s/o, he’ll buy you a matching pair of sunglasses so ur the freshest looking couple around Seoul (they’re hideous and thick but he thinks u look fly)

The glasses don’t have nearly as many layers as his does for himself so u can see, and u wonder how he managed to make them just as bulky and if he did it on purpose to sabotage u. Like “did u make my glasses purposefully ugly so no one else will want me?”

U have to dodge a punch after saying anything like that ab his fashion decisions LMAOAO

He’s rlly proud of u two matching. With the glasses and anything in general. He’ll make you wear a jacket matching his, or the same shoes and he will stop people in the hall and be like “wait. Notice anything cool ab us today?? Cooler than normal??”

And when they don’t respond he boasts “that’s right!! Me and my other half r matching. Look at us and weep, losers.” He thinks u two look so good....... if ur enthusiastic ab wearing matching things too he is elated u have to pray that tomorrow he won’t show up w another “if lost return to Vin Jin” “I’m Vin Jin” pair of jackets or anything of the like bc it happens SO OFTEN

And on the topic of sharing when it’s cold he likes to share jackets and blankets w u. Ur desks r moved by eachother by vin jin himself and u two share one blanket over u and shiver bc he just likes it, sharing w u plus he’s slightly warmer. And yes if you guys had indivizual blankets you would be warmer, but u guys have to struggle together he doesn’t care what anyone says (yes even ur protests ur sharing that one blanket wether he has to wrap it around u himself and tear up the one u brought on ur own or what”

He is so blind in love that he cannot tell when u guys suck at stuff. Like if ur in the wrong he doesnt care ur RIGHT and he’s taking that to the grave. He can belittle u and call u out but if someone else says ur in the wrong it’s on sight

Will die protecting ur name even when ur the one who was genuinely wrong

He forces u to make a beat for him to rap to. He loves rapping and wants to enjoy it w u, so ur forcefed YouTube videos of how to beatbox so u can be his bgm and eventually u probably just start to enjoy it to

And u always start a beat and he starts busting out rhymes and it’s SO BAD. It doesn’t matter if ur good at beatboxing if vin Jin is on the track w u it’s gonna sound terrible he brings the quality down immensely but u two just cannot tell

Like after a two session ur like “omg... that was so good. We should go pro?” “Fuck yea we should we’re better than those posers” “we could rlly make it in the industry fr” no u absolutely could not

During the school festival, u sang with him and it was SO bad. Half the crowd is gonna have 2 be hospitalized but u two had FUN up on the stage

Like I said, he has absolute faith in u. All u do is right. If ur driving a car for the first time, he is going to be ur little hype man doesn’t matter if u suck. U hit a curb and he went “YES babe!! Ur killing it cant wait till u hit the road bby” Ur not allowed to touch a car for the next two years now bc he kept cheering u on when u we’re doing CLEARLY wrong things

On a plane u r looking for the bathroom like pensively and u see a handle and look back and r like “is this it???” And vin jin thinking u r all righteous will go “yea babe go for it” and u open it and u depressurizate the cabin immediately

Now both on like 5 no fly lists

He loves to do things with u, like I mentioned earlier, and things he wouldn’t do alone he’ll do w u. Like drawing alone?? Boring. Drawing w Y/N??!!! Who knows what could happen..... so much fun could ensue. Maybe he will draw u cutely. Maybe he will draw u so ugly u will be forced to engage in a fight.

He likes to play just dance w u and compete for the “greats/all star!” Little titles above, and it becomes like a Friday night ritual for u two to turn just dance on and just go at it. But sometimes he’ll get too intense and suddenly he’s actually fighting for the chance to beat u. Will trip u so u lose on purpose

He makes u listen to him sing and rap to u. And u try to leave and he hugs tightly and is like LISTEN IFS FOR U, DONT BE UNGRATEFUL and now u have to listen

He makes u a mixtape of songs he made himself and they are all considerably worse than “remember the times we had”. It’s uploaded on SoundCloud and all the comments r hate and u listen to it a lot bc u know he loves u sm he made u a mixtape ya ur gonna play that but everyone else hates it w a passion

Like the comments r like:

Daniel: well.... it’s definitely a song 😅 I’m glad you love (y/n) so much!

Duke: he’s not making it out the hood 😐

Zach: never let this man in a studio AGAIN

Mary: this should’ve stayed in the CD

(Y/N): love it! 😍

Zoe: kill your producer 💀

Mira: ...

He’s overprotective too

If someone looks at u for more than a second he’ll go “what?? U think she is hot, huh? I’ll kick ur ass fucking perv.... cmon babe let’s go”

Will throw his arm around u and streer u the opposite way of any potentially good looking ppl to keep ur eyes on him

Oh Daniel is coming?? What a coincidence u and vin Jin suddenly have to turn the corner to the other way of ur classroom for some reason

Eli is near?!!! Oh no u just got milk spilt in ur eye!! Oh no now he has to wipe ur eyes and u two have to leave the cafeteria whatever will he do

It’s not that he doesn’t have faith in u, he doesn’t have faith in other men. Like he thinks they r all competition, and doesn’t doubt ur loyalty rather doubts how good he can b for u

WILL beat someone up for u. If someone smokes while ur around suddenly his fists r swinging at them cuz even if u smoke or vape urself no one else can get that stuff in ur lungs but YOU or HIM!!

If ur crossing the street and a car almost hits u, it’s the cars fault and he’s kicking the license plate and cursing it out for almost touching u “stupid fucking piece of metal”

Is the type of boyfriend to call u when he knows ur in an Uber and be like “babe u got ur gun w u right?? Oh don’t forget ur BOMB and ur MACHETE!! Yeah just left the house I killed some ppl nbd haha anyways HRU what’s ur Uber driver like” so the driver of ur car won’t even think ab kidnapping u. He has got ur back even when u do not want it

He doesn’t want u to see his eyes, so he’ll tell you to look away so he can take his glasses off and look at u in full color in all ur glory but he never tells u WHY he’s telling u to look away u think it’s a weird thing of his, or he’s insecure ab his face which is partially true but really he’s taking his glasses off and just looking at u. Adoringly.....

He hates PDA. He loves PDA. Do u see his dilemma

Like he loves PDA but doesn’t want anyone seeing him vulnerable even u.... so he’ll hold ur hand and be like “EWWW WHAT R U DOING GET YR HAND OFF MINE”

If u take the lead THATS best bc he can blame it on u and it’s ur fault he HAS to lock fingers w u cuz u did it to him first and he has an excuse to touch u and v like u started this im just sending u ur own energy back 😤

The type to be just like blind, overwhelmed in love. Always thinks ab u, always wants to be w u, worries ab u a lot and frets over u without showing it.... he hates it and loves it to death. Despises it but wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world

Eats lunch w u in the cafeteria and if u sit w someone else u r the ultimate traitor and he will trash talk u to hide his hurt to Mary the entire lunchtime. Kinda possessive.... wants u to also only think about him

WOULDNT EVER fight u for real. Play fights occur VERY often, like pillow fights, tripping ur foot when u say a joke insulting him, grabbing ur collar but he would sooner die than lay a finger on u

Verbal fights happen a lot and if he ever like LOSES it he may lash out and almost hit u and follow thru. I don’t think he’d be able to catch himself that quickly, and if he ever did he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Literally until the day dies he will take it to his grave

He may not sputter out apologieswill just look at u incredulously and then at his hands because what had he done? What did he just do? To you???????? (Y/n))))?????? His (y/n)??? Light of his life?

Will apologize probably over text or through a note or call, and if u don’t respond he is consumed by regret and tries to find u instantly like runs back to ur place

If u forgive him he feels bad still, because does he deserve it? And he might just isolate himself for a bit bc he can’t face u and if it left a scar he is dead inside. It kills him, literally

I could go on w this but I’ll probably save it for another separate pair of hcs later 😭

If u guys ever break up he will fight for u again and won’t stop till ur back together like flowers in ur locker every day, chocolate give during lunch, etc. He wont ever give up hope that he can win u over again and be w u again. He would keep trying, when he wakes up his first thought is ur name in a cold panic bc he can’t rest easy till ur his again and he will try and show off and poorly serenade u and trash his price and be corny and cheesy to get u back

Will set up a performance w the school to let him rap w a mic during lunch for u and he’s saying bars like “(read in bad rapping voice w inconsistent beat) (y/n), love of my life, uh, without you I’d die, uh. Please won’t you take me back? Yuh, without you ima have a heart attack. (Wha!). (Y/n), love of my life, yeah, without you I’m in strife, yup! Please be mine again, (babe), I can never rest till then.”

If the embarrassment doesn’t make u take him back so he’ll pls stop, and when he stands up on the lunch tables to do a little performance doesn’t do it either, then the odd sincerity of his voice and pain in his look (even tho while rapping he sticks out his lower lip in a weird pout) definitely, hopefully will

U make everything worth it !! Truly the light of his life

I hope these were what u wanted, I just had fun w them and wrote stuff that came off the top of my head when I thought of VJ!! ❤️

[purplesurveys]

1198

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch?  No. Most of the merch that had been put out when I was still into YouTubers were always underwhelming and overpriced, anyway.

Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk?  Eugh, I don’t like oatmeal. Ate it everyday for breakfast as a kid and I just want nothing to do with anymore.

Have you ever left a note in a library book?  No. I’m pretty sure that counted as vandalism or at least under some kind of violation, so I never did anything to my borrowed books beyond reading them.

What time of day do you prefer to wash your hair?  There’s no time of day for me; I just wash it whenever I feel like showering.

Has anyone ever spread lies about you?  Just a couple times when I was in like middle school but it was all very superficial stuff that I never think about.

Have you ever taken a photograph with a celebrity? If so, did it turn out the way you wanted, or do you wish you could retake it?  Nah. I freak out about the idea of meeting celebrities and always turn down or pass up any opportunity I get lmao. I don’t handle nervousness well so I don’t trust myself to be able to behave or speak properly.

If you could move out of your home country permanently, would you? If so, where would you go?  Yeah, anything to get out of this shithole. I’d love to move to Canada.

Is there a celebrity that everyone else seems to love, but you find totally overrated? Why is it that you don’t like them?  Taylor Swift. Her music’s just never fallen under my personal preferences, but I don’t actively hate on her or bash her when there’s been no reason to.

If you could volunteer for any charity, which one would you choose? Do you think it’s more important to help humans, or are animal and environmental charities equally important?  I don’t think acts of charity should be compared. Personally though, I tend to lean towards causes for animals.

Do you prefer holidays where you relax, or actually do things? My family alwaysssssss makes sure our itineraries are absolutely packed when we go on vacations. Seems like a waste of money to travel to a new place just to stay holed up in our hotel room.

Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?  No, I don’t believe in those to begin with.

Has anybody ever told you that you could be a model? Yeah, usually because of my build. I hate posing and being in front of a camera, though.

Do you use different kinds of moisturizer for different body parts? ie. hand lotion for your hands, face cream for your face. Or do you just use one moisturizer for all body parts?  I don’t use skincare products, though I should probably start because my skin is finally biting me in the ass and giving me breakouts 23 years later lol.

Have you ever felt like you were someone’s rebound? Nope.

Has anybody ever broken up with you over something really pathetic? What was it? Have you ever been dumped in a disrespectful way? (eg. through text, through a friend..)  I wouldn’t say it was over something pathetic. She had her reasons and I respect that. Doesn’t mean I can’t resent her.

Did you have a lot of role models as a kid?  Not really.

Do you feel like anyone looks up to you? Why or why not? I don’t know, but this isn’t a compliment I get a lot either. I don’t actively try to be a role model, so I don’t care about maintaining such an image.

What was the last thing you found offensive? My mom often throws around subtle homophobic remarks in passing. She knows I hate them because I shoot her a glare every time she does it, but for some reason she never learns...

Who is the nicest person you know?  Angela.

Do you feel safe in your country?  In a country where the president is a blatant liar, misogynist, has anger and cursing issues, and enables extrajudicial killings? Safety is a dream here.

Do you feel safe where you live?  Very technically speaking, yeah I do since it’s a gated village so nothing ever happens here.

Have you been falsely diagnosed with something by a bad doctor?  Not necessarily misdiagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I was prescribed the wrong set of medicines for my UTI last year...nothing came out of taking those pills and I felt just as sick (and dead) as I was after a couple of days. The only reason I got better was Angels’s mom is a doctor and gave me the right meds to take, which worked on me within a couple of hours.

Have you ever had a doctor refuse to treat you?  No.

Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): WarioWare is suuuuuuuch a weird game haha. Doesn’t stop me from enjoying it, though.

Do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before?  Not that I know of.

Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Gary from Spongebob.

Do you like marshmallows?  Haaaaaaaate them. I never got used to its weird, sticky texture so I always take them out when they’re included in like drinks and desserts.

What is your favorite flavor of candy cane?  I don’t consume candy canes much. Too sweet.

Have you ever fostered an animal?  Nope.

Do you still take hot showers when it’s hot out?  No, I want the water to be as cold as possible.

When writing $ sign, do you draw one line through the S or two?  I do two, though I rarely have any reason to write down the dollar sign in general.

What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have?  We weren’t allowed to have dogs as kids because we “wouldn’t be able to take care of them” – which they were right about, anyway. But we have two now, so it all worked out in the end.

List three people you’ve had crushes on:  Gabie, Andi...and that’s it, really.

Have you ever thrown up from cramps?  No. Fortunately my period cramps have never been that bad, and the only time they can be a headache is if they’re the leg crampjp that sends me waking up in the middle of the night.

List three people you had a hard time forgiving.  I don’t really forgive. If someone fucks up badly enough that I feel the need to cut them off, that’s pretty much it for me.

Who is the most spiritual person you know?  I don’t know.

Would you ever start a vlog?  Sure. I’ve always wanted to try it, but I don’t have a decent vlogging camera and am not invested enough in the venture to spend on one. In general I’m also not comfortable being in front of the camera, as I’ve already shared several times here. Vlogging does look fun though, and I definitely would’ve already given it a shot if only I felt more comfortable.

Are your dreams coming true yet?  Some of the short-term ones, sure.

Do you struggle with depression?  I go through phases of it, but I’ve never been formally diagnosed just because I’ve never booked a trip to the psychiatrist.

Are you haunted by your past?  No

What medical conditions do you have?  Do scoliosis and lactose intolerance count? Those are the main issues I have.

Do you use a Magic Bullet?  Why did I think this was a vibrator...? Anyway, I looked it up and no, I’ve never used one.

What does your apron look like?  I’ve never had to use one regularly.

What are your favorite spicy foods?  Curry, tteokbokki, ramen, samgyeopsal with ssamjang, spicy fried chicken.

Which do you like better: being an adult or being a kid?  Being an adult has a lot more freedom to it even though I have to go through heavier and deeper shit, so it’s still more worth it to me.

Were you excited to be a teenager on your thirteenth birthday?  I was heavily depressed back then, and was for a while, so I didn’t have any feelings about turning 13. I don’t even remember my birthdays up until the 15th.

Did you feel insecure in high school?  In the first half, yeah. But I started opening up more and gaining friends by junior year, so at that point I wasn’t feeling too shy anymore.

Would you ever be friends with someone who was suicidal?  I hate this question that I am simply ignoring it.

Who was the biggest bully in high school?  My school didn’t tolerate bullies so no one ever dared to be one, in the grand scheme of things. But back in kindergarten Kaira used to love targeting me - she was my big bully before she became my friend, lol.

What was your favorite class in high school? History, of course. I personally didn’t like literature but I enjoyed English classes, just because it was easy and was a guaranteed A+ in my report card.

Would you rather have a daughter or a son?  Daughter. 

Have you ever written to an advice columnist? Nope.

Have you ever had a doctor not believe what you told him?  Not really, but I’ve had a doctor be a total asshole towards me before.

If you’re female, would you feel uncomfortable having a male gynecologist?  No.

Do you like Lisa Frank?  No.

What gives you nightmares?  I don’t really get nightmares.

Were you ever hospitalized as a child?  Nope. I was hospitalized one time, and I had been 11 then.

Did you get senior pictures taken?  Yeah, for both high school and college.

What color is your bicycle? The family bike is blue and silver. Not that I could ride it, lol.

Did you ever have to take home a fake baby in health class?  No...is that a practice in other schools? That’s so weird if it was.

Would you rather wear ivory or white on your wedding day? What color will your bridesmaids wear?  White. Ivory can be for the bridesmaids, actually.

Would you rather have a swimming pool or trampoline?  Swimming pool. Trampolines are neat, but I would get bored of them so quickly.

Do you think babies are cute? For the most part yes, the only exception being if I have to be exposed with a baby/toddler that is prone to screech-crying. My patience is an extremely thin line when it comes to children like that lol and I FEEL BAD for feeling like so... but I just can’t deal with harsh sounds like that one.

Do you dream about the future a lot?  I guess I daydream sometimes but it���s nothing obsessive.

Do you think about your past a lot?  I’ll daydream or feel resentful sometimes, depending on what or who I’m thinking about lol. But I don’t stay in the past for too long.

How good are you at living in the moment?  I’m a lot better at it. It’s nice to be in the now.

Have you ever questioned God’s existence?  I did starting when I was 10, and I also disowned my religion by that time.

Vanilla frosting or chocolate? Chocolate foreverrrrr.

What’s your favorite foreign cuisine?  It’s always a three-way tie among Indian, Malaysian, and Thai.

Have you ever moved to another state?  No. We don’t even live in states.

Did you do anything productive today?  Well I had work today, so yeah I’d say I was. I had two meetings and worked on a bunch of spreadsheets and decks, so it was a pretty productive day.

Can you say the alphabet backwards?  Nope.

Do you like flowers?  Sure, but I’m not obsessed. It always feels nice to receive them, though.

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?  Every single time I get catcalled by men I always have the fear that they’d go all the way and drag me away to my death. That’s why I’m usually in shock whenever it happens and I’m never able to retort.

What kind of mood are you in today?  Super relieved because it’s Friday. A bit guilty because I had Starbucks delivered when I had already spent a lot this week, but I keep telling myself I deserve it after working all week haha. I just wanna enjoy my coffee and salmon dill sandwich in peace lmaooooo

What are you craving right now?  This salmon sandwich I ordered, so I’m hella glad I got it.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?  Maybe shove, but not punch.

What is worse, physical or emotional pain?  Physical. My pain tolerance is extremely low, lol.

Have you ever walked in on somebody doing something… questionable? I don’t think I have.

If you were to make videos on YouTube, what would they be of?  I think just doing the trendy games like the Lie Detector game would be fun haha. I wouldn’t take it too seriously.

Posting pictures of yourself in a bathing suit on the internet - ok or not? ...It’s 2021.

Do you typically laugh when somebody falls down?  If it’s a close friend or a relative I’m close with, yeah. Anyone else I would immediately try to help.

What is the most disturbing movie you’ve ever watched?  Eraserhead or Under the Skin, which I didn’t even bother finishing.

Your opinion of Katy Perry, please?  I like her older songs.

If you could say anything to your Mom right now… what would it be?  Stop acting like a brat when you don’t get your way. You’re literally reaching 50.

[larryfanficwriter98]

Chapter Two

(Just an idea of the gifts I pictured)

Louis texts

Harry texts

Harry woke up on the tour bus feeling it move underneath him. He groaned burying his face in the pillows for a few minutes. The tour bus was the same as any other tour bus except the backroom was converted into a bedroom a few years back. The bunks were for his band and the bedroom was his. The original story when it got out was that it was for Harry's many women companions no matter how many times Harry denied it. Rolling over he grabbed his phone and saw he had a new message in the Anonymous app. He unlocked his phone and went to the app and saw it was from Louis.

Why volcano boarding?

Harry's lips twitched before he typed a reply.

Volcano ash stains are impossible to get out.

Harry watched the screen for a minute before locking the phone and rolling out of bed. He headed to the bathroom to shower and to get dressed for a day of traveling. When his phone went off he grabbed it and checked the message.

Why do it? Lost a bet didn't you?

No.

Maybe.

Okay so yes, but it looked like fun.

And paragliding?

Lost a bet.

Skydiving?

Lost a bet.

Bungee jump?

Got dared.

Double or triple?

...triple.

Brutal mates

Tell me about it. They didn't even do it with me!

Horrible mates, you've got. What about mountain climbing?

Unfortunately, that was my fault.

Figured why not...I now know why not.

Yeah? What's the biggest reason?

I'm scared of heights.

The harness digs into your balls.

Pretty sure I'm sterile now.

So what brought you to Anonymous?

An entire bottle of Wine.

I don't have many friends and haven't been able to properly date, and I'm currently traveling right now. I'll be back in England in six months and I don't know I guess I am a hopeless romantic who thought this was a good idea after a bottle of wine.

Yeah? Where are you traveling?

Different locations. Currently in Germany heading to Hamburg.

"Hey, Tommo your cereal is getting soggy." Louis jumped and looked away from his phone to look at Liam.

"What?"

"Your cereal. It'll get soggy."

"Oh. Right." Louis turned away and went back to texting Harold back but he made sure to shove a spoonful of coco pops into his mouth.

"Who are you talking to? New guy?" Louis hummed distractedly, "can I have some if your coco pops?" Louis hummed again as he slid his thumb over the keys before he realized what Liam just asked.

"What? No!" Louis looked to Liam, but it was too late as Liam was smirking and eating a spoonful of coco pops.

"Did hell freeze over or do we have a hidden box if coco pops?" Zayn asked walking into the kitchen

"Louis has a boy he's distracted by and I took advantage." Liam said feeding his fiance a spoonful of the cereal.

"Distracted enough to let you have coco pops? That's a good sign. Who is he?"

"No one. I'm hiding my coco pops again." Louis grabbed the box and held it to his chest then he looked at his phone again laughing at Harold's message.

"I have to head into work, but I'll see you, lads, later." Louis set his coco pops box down on the island and headed to the door slipping his Van's on grabbing his keys while replying to Harry.

Have to head into work. Keep me updated on that snack thief and I'll text when I can.

I'll send hourly updates.

***

Messaging Louis became one of his favorite things to do, he was often distracted by the sound of his phone going off. 8 out of 10 times it was Louis and the 2% it wasn't always made his excitement go down even if just for a moment. He hasn't told Louis he was Demisexual or a virgin yet, but not because he was scared he'd leave the conversation, but because it has never been brought up before. Truly.

He would send pictures of beautiful views to Louis and famous landmarks and Louis would return the favor with the picture of the Manchester sky. Either it is raining or sunny, Louis always had a sarcastic message to go with it. It was almost an unspoken agreement to not send selfies to one another. He doesn't know how it became a thing, but it was.

Louis would often send pictures of what he was doing like if he was doing the dishes or if he was at work then it was of the kids he watched at the daycare. The video game controller if he was playing with his housemates, or if they ordered pizza he'd send him a picture of a slice and ask if Harry wanted Louis to save him some. Harry would do the same and send him pictures of his own game he was playing with his mates on the tour bus, he'd send him a picture of his meals at restaurants. If he was playing the guitar he'd send him a picture of his Gibson.

For some reason it worked for them, it satisfied them in a way. Harry has been debating whether or not to give Louis his actual phone number so they didn't have to rely on the app, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it for some reason. He did however find himself buying Louis things from the local shops and gift shops. When his backroom got a bit too crowded in Japan, and because he was feeling bad about the time difference he went to the post office and got a box then paid for the fastest shipping to Manchester after buying a postal box for Louis Tomlinson. The security question was What is the color of Harold's Gibson guitar?

Louis arrived at the postal office still confused as to why Harry had asked him to get his mail for him. It took a few days for Harry to convince him, but eventually, he figured it couldn't hurt and he would just drop it off at the listed address anyway. He really liked Harry. He was funny and Louis had a distinct impression that he was extremely hot and he couldn't wait for them to share selfies. He couldn't wait to share phone numbers and calls and maybe even facetime.

"Name please?" The desk worker asked

"Louis Tomlinson. I'm picking up." Louis told the man who nodded and typed something into his computer

"There is a security question. What is the color of Harold's Gibson?" The man was just as confused as Louis had been at first until he heard the question

"It's a dark blue with a hummingbird." Louis told him

"He just said blue so here is the key."

"Thank you." Louis headed to the number on the key ring tag finding one of the larger boxes. He had half a mind to take back his agreement, but headed to the box and unlocked it. Sure enough, there sat a 20x20x20 box, but instead of Harry's name, it was actually addressed to Louis Tomlinson. He turned the box to read the label and his jaw dropped in shock when he realized Harry had sent it from Japan.

"That lying asshole." Louis said even though he was grinning and was kind of pleased in a way that Harry was so thoughtful. They hadn't talked about being exclusive to one another, but neither of them has talked to anyone else and they told the other one that. Louis had a feeling that Harry wasn't the type to just message five guys and Louis, after a week of talking to Harry stopped replying to the others. He headed to the desk with the box in his arms to return the key, but the man shook his head.

"It’s under a six-month rental. The key is for you to keep trying not to lose it." Louis nodded trying not to get too pleased that Harry was planning on sending him more things. He packed the box on his passenger seat then headed home eager to open his gift. When he got to the house he walked inside with the help of his ass and hips.

"Why do you have a box?" Liam asked curiously

"Because I do." Louis said as he set the box on the coffee table and opened his phone taking a picture of it and sending it to Harry. It was 9am in Manchester so in Japan, it was 5pm so Harry should be awake for another few hours. Some days he was busy though and hardly able to message which Louis understood if he was on a worldwide vacation. Louis wouldn't want to chat all that much either.

"Japan? From Harold?"

"Yeah, the little lying jerk." Louis locked his phone and tossed it to the couch before heading to the kitchen to grab a knife.

"Didn't he just arrive there though?"

"Yeah, about three days ago why?"

"You realize how much international shipping is? How much fast international shipping cost?" Louis paused and looked at Liam, "he must be well off."

"I bet it's daddy's credit card." Zayn said as he sat on the couch with Niall

"There's nothing wrong with having well off parents. Leave him alone. I actually like this one."

"Sorry Lou... you're right now open the box so we can see what he thought ya. Bet the insides are not as pricey as the shipping." Louis rolled his eyes at the gentle teasing before he cut the tape.

He opened the flaps and saw an envelope on top of the tissue paper that was hiding the contents of the box. Louis grabbed the envelope and opened it, pulling out a few pieces of paper that were folded together. Unfolding the letter he saw a messy, but somehow neat handwriting on the pages.

Louis,

I am so glad that my wine drunk mind led me through this really weird path of meeting you. You have brought a lot of joy in my life that I hadn’t completely realized I was missing. My friends and my family are all talking about how much I have changed since talking to you. You are hilarious, sarcastic, caring, and always seem to be one step ahead of me.

I'm sure the worker told you the box will be open for six months, I plan on sending a lot of things to you along my travels as long as we keep talking. I know we have exactly talked about exclusiveness and where this is heading despite both of us looking for settling down soon. I realize my situation makes it hard to meet and understand each other and I want you to understand more and more as I begin to trust you.

I hope you understand when I say I would like this to be between us. You see I am frequently in the public eye. Magazines, websites, articles, you name it. It's always been hard to meet people who are genuinely interested in me as a person either being friends or more. I don't have many close friends who I completely trust, I have a few and they're all very trustworthy, but a lot of people I have thought were my friends have used me in some way either for money or publicity.

I do not however believe you would do such a thing which is why I am telling you this. As much as I would like to completely trust you with everything, I can not and for that, I am truly sorry. I hope you understand because talking to you has been amazing and the highlight of this trip. Before I am home you will know the complete truth and hopefully, you will understand what being with me would entail in your normal lives.

Anyway, I bought you some things I have found around the local shops and gift shops. Some are cheesy crap that I thought was a good laugh while others were thought out and meaningful. I hope.

Yours,

Harold

Louis was only a tad confused, but after a second read through it made more sense. Louis folded the letter up and slipped it into the envelope ignoring the looks he was receiving before he pulled back the tissue paper. Everything was neatly and carefully wrapped in bubble wrapping even what Louis thought was a stuffed teddy which was ridiculous but cute in a way. He pulled the first item out and undone the bubble wrap revealing a Teddy bear as he thought with the German flag on the white shirt. Louis grinned as he fixed the shirt.

"Wow, a five-pound teddy. Impressive." Niall said

"Oh stop there's more in here he said there's a mix of cheesy cliche things and meaningful things. I find it cute."

And Louis meant that as he set the Teddy on the couch to grab the next Teddy. All the teddys were on top of the other items so he went through Poland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Japan, and Russia teddy bears. All the same bear and after Louis had lined them up he took a picture of them and sent them to Harold.

"I already don't like you two together." Zayn said

"Oh let Louis get spoiled. It's cute." Liam said hitting his fiance, "what else did he get you? T-shirts?" Louis glared at him as he debated which item to grab next.

There were a few boxes that had the German flag sticker on the bubble wrap so he grabbed those. He knew when they started talking Harry was almost leaving Germany so he was a little surprised Harry bought something from the country. What he unwrapped was boxes of German chocolate and German teas. Then there were boxes of natural wooden toys safe for children and Louis grinned knowing those were for the daycare that Louis had told Harry he bought toys for regularly. He honestly couldn't wait to open those boxes with the kids and test them out so he set those off to the side making a new pile.

He then moved on to Denmark flag items which were a simple black striped vase with a note that said ''Kähler Ceramics-For Your Future Flowers''. Following the vase was a Nisse souvenir, a little mermaid figurine, Danish chocolates of course, and Danish knitted sweaters just big enough for him to snuggle into which he had told Harry he liked to do often on cold winter days.

Moving onto Norway there were more sweaters which Louis was not complaining about one bit. They were all warm and big and he knew he'd wear them often. There were some Norwegian books printed in English that fit what he liked to read. Then there was of course the Norwegian chocolate.

After Norway was Russia and the first thing Louis pulled out was a Matryoshka doll, a few beautiful Russian lacquer boxes, a few birch bark crafts, and a lot of Russian sweets and chocolate. There was a large item that had the Russian flag sticker, but Louis could get to it yet so he moved on to Japan.

The Japanese souvenirs and gifts were a beautiful set of chopsticks that looked more for display than actual eating, a few Kendama toys, a few Koma toys, a Maneki Neko, a Japanese folding fan, a few different Daruma dolls, a Wagasa, and last some sweats and chocolate.

Finally able to get the last item out which was the main reason the box had to be so big. Multiple sticky notes were saying to grab it from the bottom and to be GENTLE. Louis was grinning as he bent over and grabbed the little edges that had arrows pointing to them in sticky notes.

"Need help?" Niall asked

"He says to be gentle not that it's breakable so hopefully not." Louis very carefully pulled out the gift. Niall moved the box away letting Louis set it on the coffee table.

He gently began unwrapping the smallest piece revealing a beautiful teapot and immediately he knew. He knew exactly what this was and he was going to kill him, he was going to murder Harold as he unwrapped the matching tray moving on to what he now knew to be a Samovar.

When it was revealed it was gorgeous and Louis didn't know if he wanted to cry or scream or faint. He immediately grabbed the Samovar and headed into the kitchen pouring water into the kettle and putting tea leaves into the teapot. He then plugged the Samovar into the outlet and turned it to its highest setting letting the water boil. Once that was down he poured the boiling water into the teapot and then the tea into a mug all in the manner of 12 minutes. Louis moaned shamelessly after the first sip of hot strong tea.

"So..it makes tea?" Niall asked

"It keeps water simmering so I never run out of hot water for my tea. I've been wanting one for years, but they cost hundreds of- oh that bastard."

"LOUIS HAS A RICH BOYFRIEND!" Liam shouted teasingly, making Louis glare at him as he grabbed his phone off the couch seeing Harry had messaged him back after he sent him the two photos.

Thought they were cute and hoped you'd like the cheesiness of it.

We need to talk about that last gift Harold.

No, we don't.

Yes, we do.

Nope.

Yes.

No. Absolutely not. Not talking about it...do you like it?

It's beautiful and lovely and I've already made some tea.

Good. So there's nothing to talk about then.

No more gifts!

😳😳😟😟😦😦🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺😨😨😰😰😥😥😢😢😭😭😭

Did you just send emojis explaining your sadness over my text?!?

Yes. I'm sending more for December. Your birthday is Christmas Eve Louis, I can't ignore that!

Well, how am I supposed to send you gifts if you're traveling?

Easily. You don't. 😁😁

😐🤨

😇😇

🤨🤨

(The story gets better after this chapter I promise.)

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

a list of gross/weird ass advances that i’ve had from people:

•that one boy in primary school who was a younger brother of someone in my year, in the year under us, that harassed me for like two years straight by following me around singing/rapping eminem’s “shake that” ft nate dogg to me. like y’all this shit was happening when i was like 9-11 years old. and this behaviour ruined that song for me for literal YEARS. obvs, you could fight this one with “well, he was just a kid and you were as well. so, it can’t really be helped or criticised bc he was just repeating the things you’d both heard on the tv/radio. he probs thought at the time that this was an okay song (which it obvs wasn’t) to sing to a girl that he liked; bc it was so popular back then (2005-2006)” which, of course, is to some extent true. but still???? a kid should know the meaning of “can you please STOP following me around singing that song, thanks?” that i asked him several times to do, but he kept doing it, until i told a teacher.

-that one time at 13/14 when i signed up to facebook for the first time ever, after two years of being used to myspace (good times),and got automatically signed up to the dating app zoosk bc FB had decided to sign me up as single and lonely and therefore, i needed a man. so, i spent my first 3 fucking months of facebook trying to find how to deactivate that fucking app and had men in their late teens to their early/mid 20s hitting on me through the whole thing. but at least most of the guys were understanding here and were rightfully freaked out as i was that fb had signed a fucking 13/14 year old up to a motherfucking dating service.

•”your name is so fucked! like it’s so hard to learn how to fucking spell and pronounce... like why the fuck would your parents call you that bc no one would call their kid that??? anyway, I’m just gonna call you *insert plain ass white girl name here* for the rest of conversation bc it’s soooo much easier for me! but like, why the actual fuck won’t you give me more than two word replies you super over conceited bitch!? when i’ve been nothing but nice to you?!  btw you’re sexy anyway and that should fix this. ps. send me nudes on snapchat bc its 2am and im lonely.” (all the same guy.)

•”oh hey.... we should make a wager where we if we ever meet and go out to a bar.... and we should bet off each other virginity’s right? are you with me? anyway, so, we go to a bar and see who gets fucked first and so loses their virginity first. and whoever loses their virginity first has to fuck the other one so that we both lose out virginity on the same night! sounds like a great idea doesn’t it? hahahahaha 😂😅 ”constant harassment for nudes and nude videos to be this guy’s private cam girl, bc apparently “following you for 4 years on tumblr is a lot of trust and so you owe me nudes bitch” ”oh and by the way, how are all your vibrators? are they getting a good work out? 😉😏😏” (this is all the same guy who follows me on here.)

•that one dude who thought that me inviting a friend along with me to us meeting in Bondi (in Sydney) made my friend an awkward 3rd wheel bc apparently we were a couple bc he liked all my posts on this godawful problematic hellsite. he was 18 like me. but still.

•those two 28 year olds who harassed me with sexual messages when I was 17 again on this godawful hellsite. and one of those guys always asking for selfies bc I was “so hot” and “so pretty” like y’all I WAS A FUCKING CHILD AND THEY WERE FULL GROWN ADULT MEN PAYING BILLS AND SHIT. IT WAS LIKE: PLS TRY AND PULL WOMEN YOUR OWN AGE. and then the other dude using the teacher sex fantasy where they fuck in the girls changeroom after sport.... when he was literally old enough to be a PE teacher at my school.

•literally just everything my high school stalker said to me back in the day and when I ended up running into him in 2015 on the bus home from uni.

•that one guy who I s2g was in his 30s and not his 20s like he said; from like azerbaijan or some other random country, hitting on me when I was 18/19 bc I “looked like a nice girl”

•those two guys somewhere in their 20s (where one of the guys was trying to set me up with his friend) when I was 17/18 who kept asking me if I’d ever watched porn and masturbated... and why I still hadn’t fucked anyone yet when I should’ve fucked someone by the time I was 15, apparently.

•mr creeper mccreepcreep who was absolutely hellbent in trying to confiscate/steal my phone (and my bag at one point) from me and just generally trying to leave me without my phone last year at a bar with some friends (2017) when he found out by peering over my shoulder at my phone, that i’d texted someone to pick me up from the bar to escape from him. bc remember: “HOW FUCKING DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO LEAVE ME AND TEXT PEOPLE TO LEAVE THE BAR WHEN I’VE JUST MET YOU! AND YOU’RE SEXY SLEEP WITH ME, YOU BITCH! AND BY THE WAY, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LOOK AT OR EVEN ASK FOR MY PHONE EXCEPT TO ADD ME ON FACEY! :P” (this is what i think his thought process was it’s not what he actually said out loud) the whole time i was with him though, he was completely and utterly grossing me the fuck out and scaring me to death with how desperate he was to leave me without an escape route from that bar other than either him or my friends (ie my phone) and feeling straight up my dress and trying to “convince you (me) to kiss me (him)” i’m pretty sure i was close to getting my drink spiked if i’d had one with me tbh. he just gave off that feeling.

•ok this wasn’t from a guy... but when I moved schools at 16/17 (2012), one of the girls that I met was hellbent again on trying to “get you (me) a boyfriend bc you (i) need one”, apparently. in this process, she kept trying to set me up with men in their late 20s/early 30s (and a tiny minority close to our age at the time, at 16-18 even early 20s) and practically bribed me (i.e. she gave me jewellery and CD’s to keep me quiet each time) for the use of my phone to do so. she always asked me if i was talking to those guys and when i said no she was always like “why though??? they’re so nice!” and i was like “THE BULK OF THEM ARE ADULT MEN MABEL! THEY SHOULDN’T BE FLIRTING WITH/TRYING TO DATE GIRLS WHO ARE 16/17!!! SOME OF THEM ARE ALMOST TWICE OUR AGE!!! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT???!!!″ to which she’d answer with “so?????” she even asked a few times if she could take my mobile phone home WITH HER to add more creepy men.... which i obviously said a resounding “NO????!!!!” to.  finally, at the end of all that shit, she hit on me. when I said no she asked “is that bc you went to catholic school?” and I was like “no it’s just bc I don’t swing that way right now.” (and plus your behaviour is really fucking weird and concerning).

but the moral of this post is to fucking stay safe, my ragtime gals and my dudes.

[they-are-there-upon-his-head]

Hi, I just really need to talk about modern AU great Comet hcs Please love me

an unprompted ask?? for me??? this is the content I signed up for

so yeah i’m just gonna make a big ass list of headcanons lemme know what you think,,, i love modern au so much so this is also a long post beware!!!

these are random as hell but are heavy on the Andrierre, which is good and bad because I love this ship but also I haven’t read War and Peace so some of the Andrey headcanons might be dead wrong

and of course feel free to correct and/or add on to this list! I’d love to hear what you guys have to say about this and I’m always up for talking about Great Comet

so let’s begin

 Anatole is a picky picky picky eater, he’ll only eat very specific things like That One All-Natural Organic Overpriced Brand Of Mac ‘N’ Cheese™

9 times out of 10 Helene is going to or drinking Starbucks

Dolokhov will eat ANYTHING but he still ends up going to Taco Bell way too often

he drinks too much Mountain Dew

Pierre keeps his shirt on at the beach/when swimming

he only leaves the house to walk to the local convenience store and buy snacks, and the liquor store to buy booze

Marya loves couponing

Dolokhov prides himself on his cool sneakers

Sonya plays the ukulele

she wears a lot of scarves and flannel and loves autumn

Andrey owns a lot of soft gray sweaters

Mary has a really old ipod nano that has like ten songs on it but she listens to it and dances while she cleans in the morning when her father is asleep

Helene wears athletic wear (track pants, cool sneakers, etc) for the aesthetic but isn’t much of a fan of working out

Andrey goes for a run every morning

Natasha uses the dog filter on Snapchat way too much

Balaga wears a weed hat and weed socks

there’s a 99% chance Anatole has texted “send nudes” in the last 12 hours

Pierre has a lot of t-shirts with random bands on them

Marya loves strong coffee

Natasha and Sonya share a room that’s decorated with fairy lights

Andrey works a bunch of jobs and has really weird hours

lucky for him, Pierre never sleeps

so they often go to the local diner together at 3am and get milkshakes and cheese fries

Pierre fucking loves cheese fries

Sonya had a weeb phase

Dolokhov is still in the tail end of his emo phase tbh

Anatole secretly loves Buzzfeed quizzes

Balaga is an uber driver

Sonya watches a lot of Food Network and HGTV

Natasha loves The Bachelor

Dolokhov watches roast videos

Pierre once watched vine compilations for 13 hours straight

somehow word got around that Dolokhov secretly has an embarrassing tattoo (something along the lines of “I love my mom,” perhaps?) but when confronted about it he turned bright red and vehemently denied its existence

Helene wears those Aesthetic™ shirts with random French words on them from like Forever 21 or something

Dolokhov wears Timberlands and track pants and snapback hats

he also wears his socks pulled up high like your friendly neighborhood fuckboy

Natasha has worn the same pair of Uggs for a long time

Balaga unironically wears Crocs (often paired with his weed socks and oversized denim cutoffs)

Dolokhov takes snowball fights very seriously

Andrey can drive but he hates doing it

he bikes to work and around the city

Mary also hates driving, but that’s because she’s deathly afraid of it

Pierre bought contacts but never uses them, he just wears his glasses instead

Dolokhov is really into sports, both watching them and playing them

his favorites are soccer and basketball

he forces Anatole and Helene to watch some games with him and they hate it

they just rate the players’ attractiveness instead and end up talking and wolf-whistling over all the commentary

Dolokhov is annoyed by it at first, but always ends up joining in and marveling at the muscles on these guys! look at those fucking biceps

Natasha visits Pierre once in awhile and brings some gifts and food (usually baked goods that her and Sonya make)

they just sorta hang out and talk and eat, sometimes Pierre makes tea for them and they have a little tea party

Pierre’s very awkward but Natasha is good at diffusing the awkwardness, mostly by talking a lot about nothing

one time she convinced him to let her paint his nails and honestly??? Pierre kinda liked it

he wanted to tell Andrey about it but Andrey still doesn’t seem ready to talk about Natasha

Pierre’s ok with it though, he’ll give it time. Andrey will come around eventually.

Mary swears by medicinal teas and herbs for almost every ailment

she also collects flowers and dries them and hangs them in her room

Dolokhov does parkour

Balaga runs a meme account

Marya has everything you could ever need in her purse, including napkins, Advil, hand sanitizer, wet wipes, tampons, pepper spray, tweezers, Beyonce’s entire discography, the whole city of Moscow, etc

Pierre has a lot of books on the French Revolution

one Valentine’s Day, Andrey got Pierre a locket with Napoleon’s face in it and Pierre was so confused until he opened it and he just looked so pained while Andrey laughed

honestly Pierre thinks it was actually really fucking clever and it’s kinda sweet that Andrey noticed how into the French Revolution he was

also, he had never seen Andrey laugh as hard as he did in that moment and that made it all worth it

Pierre’s favorite TV show is Gravity Falls, though Ancient Aliens is a close second

he also watches reruns of Jeopardy a lot and is surprisingly good at it

sometimes Andrey will watch it with him; Pierre gets all the history stuff and Andrey gets more of the pop culture questions

Helene listens to Lana Del Rey, Dolokhov has a soft spot for twenty one pilots, and Anatole is always a slut for some Britney

Pierre listens to Radiohead and other depressing existential indie/alternative rock

Natasha is a sucker for a good love song, Broadway musicals, or any happy boppy pop song tbh

Sonya loves folk music and anything with string instruments

Andrey is partial to some good 90s grunge rock (Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Weezer, etc)

Marya listens to pop music of the 70s and 80s music, stuff of the “good old days”

boy oh boy can she GET DOWN to Dancing Queen

Mary thoroughly enjoys Christian rock

Andrey secretly loves to dance, he’s one of those people that just kind of loses himself in the music and is just completely in the zone while dancing

honestly??? Pierre’s jealous because 1. how do you relax while there are people around you and 2. how the hell does Andrey still look cool

Pierre is either too self-conscious to dance or he just kind of nods his head to the beat, that’s all he’ll do

(unless he’s alone in which case it’s WILD)

Dolokhov’s dancing is basically just jumping with some fancy footwork once in awhile

Anatole and Helene twerk. c’mon of course they do

one time Natasha tried to teach herself how to twerk and Marya walked in and grounded her for a week

Pierre thinks The Shawshank Redemption is the pinnacle of cinema and will fight anyone who thinks otherwise

Natasha sings in the shower

Anatole loves chick flicks and has a crush on Ryan Gosling

he forces Dolokhov to watch shitty romcoms with him as revenge for Dolokhov forcing him to watch sports

but I mean they’re all curled up on the couch with their arms around each other and Anatole’s crying and Dolokhov’s laughing at him and they’re eating ice cream and takeout from the one place that Anatole actually likes and it’s just them because Helene’s knows that this is just Too Much™ so she left and she’s basically the voice of reason in their friend group and it’s really quite the experience

Pierre was in a really shitty cover band in college

Balaga is always high

Sonya loves oversized sweaters and leggings

Dolokhov has his ears pierced

Helene has a nose ring

not a day goes by when Anatole doesn’t quote Mean Girls

Mary owns a lot of those wooden blocks with random little quotes on them (you know the ones – they’re in any given Marshalls and dearly beloved by suburban wine moms), like “Be happy” and “Jesus loves you” and “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy chocolate”

one of Andrey’s many jobs is waiting tables at Applebee’s. Pierre has visited him there a couple times and boy did Andrey look dead inside

the only reason Andrey works so many jobs is so he can afford his own place because his father is a piece of shit

Pierre offered to help with the financial aspect of it but Andrey wouldn’t let him pay for it

still, Andrey ends up sleeping over Pierre’s a lot, not that Pierre minds

Old Prince Bolkonsky exclusively watches FOX news and he yells at the TV a lot

he eats the same thing for lunch every day: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which he makes Mary prepare

fun fact: Mary is allergic to peanuts

Sonya works at an ice cream parlor and brings home desserts for Natasha and Marya

Marya loves chocolate ice cream, Natasha prefers vanilla with rainbow sprinkles

Sonya is a butter pecan kind of girl, if we’re getting into it (and we are)

Anatole likes French vanilla (it has to be French), Helene likes coffee, and Dolokhov is partial to death by chocolate (or something similar)

Bolkonsky has to have peanut butter ice cream, Mary likes strawberry

Andrey prefers sorbet, but if he had to pick, he’d go with pistachio

Pierre’s favorite is cookie dough

Balaga probably found a way to make weed ice cream tbh

Mary loves scrapbooking

Sonya writes fanfic

she loves to read and wishes she lived in a Barnes & Noble

Andrey and Pierre play video games together and they’ve gotten really good at it

neither one of them likes intense fighting games but they do really like Mario Kart

Andrey plays as Yoshi and Pierre plays as Bowser

Pierre tried to teach Natasha how to play but she kept falling off cliffs

her favorite character is Princess Peach

her and Sonya dressed up as Peach and Daisy for Halloween once and it was really cute

Pierre has worn the same black hoodie for two years

Natasha runs an aesthetic blog

she also writes poetry on said blog

one of Andrey’s coworkers keeps accidentally calling him Andrew and it makes Andrey so irritated

the Kuragins can’t swim

Dolokhov tried to teach them but it didn’t work because Helene’s bikini kept falling down and Anatole wouldn’t go under water because it would ruin his hair

if Andrey goes over Pierre’s during the day, he’ll help him clean the house because Pierre has no motivation to do so

about once a month Marya will stop by and remark how disgusting the house is and before Pierre can even defend himself the whole house has been vacuumed, the windows are washed, the laundry’s done, the clothes are folded, the shelves are dusted, the bathroom’s scrubbed, the beds are made, and there’s fresh flowers on the kitchen table

then they hang out and complain about people to each other and it’s a grand old time

Pierre’s really grateful to Marya, but she refuses to take a compliment

let’s be real though, she relishes in watching Pierre keep saying nice things about her because she keeps denying them and he feels obligated to make her agree

Pierre has a shitty Toyota Corolla from the early 90s that has no AC and is being held together by duct tape and he’s afraid to drive it but too attached to sell it

Sonya has a folder on her laptop that’s just pictures of Tegan And Sara. that’s it

Marya doesn’t know how to whisper

Pierre loves the movie theater but will only go if Andrey or Natasha go with him

after the whole Anatole Fiasco™ Natasha and Sonya blocked Helene on Instagram so she kept making fake accounts until they accepted one of the follow requests

Andrey takes Halloween very seriously

Pierre bites his nails

Helene taught Anatole how to do makeup and now he won’t stop contouring

Anatole takes an obnoxious amount of selfies

Sonya’s wardrobe is almost exclusively from Target

Pierre spends an embarrassing amount of time on Wikipedia

Marya had a flip phone up until a couple months ago when Natasha and Sonya convinced her to get an iPhone

Marya hates it because she doesn’t know how to use it and it makes her feel stupid

but Natasha’s teaching her how to use it and it’s kind of growing on her, it’s just so practical and functional and now she has a pretty red case for it that matches her nails and

Marya goes and gets her nails and hair done every couple of weeks, it’s her mandatory “treat yo’ self” ritual

Anatole pretty much only wears pastel colors

Dolokhov pretty much only wears black (or very very very dark gray)

he has a black jean jacket decorated with lots of pins that he wears all the time

there’s a skull pin and one that says “Jesus hates me” and a Blink-182 one and an Obama one and a gay flag one and an eggplant emoji one and one that says “I love my boyfriend” and it’s fucking iconic

his favorite shirt to wear it with is his Batman shirt

Dolokhov likes DC better than Marvel, Pierre’s the other way around (is that what the duel was fought over??? lmao)

Anatole doesn’t care but he thinks RDJ is hot

Andrey likes both and doesn’t understand why everyone’s so angry about it

Helene has an extensive collection of bralettes

Natasha hates pants and only wears skirts or dresses

Sonya doesn’t think she’s very good at drawing or painting but she still does it anyway because it makes her really happy

Pierre once said “love you” while talking on the phone with Andrey and he didn’t know what to do so he just PANICKED and chucked his phone across the room but he forgot to hang up and it turns out Andrey didn’t even hear what he said after all

ehhh hopefully this is pretty good? it was fun to make and made me laugh while writing it but let me know what you think!! and please add on to this post, i need more modern au headcanons hhhhhh

[stunninglynormal]

Hurricane.

After the heartbreak of Wyoming and my betrayal of Blue Chevy Cobalt, I swore off guys for a bit. I went on a date or two and “talked” with a guy I went to highschool with. He was pretty full of himself and despite being a virgin, he swore he could provide me with the most mind-blowing orgasm I had never experienced. The whole thing felt weird because, although I was not innocent and I was not pure, this guy was extremely religious and yet he felt the need to reiterate repeatedly how spectacular he would be in bed. We never got to the bedroom though. We never even kissed. I couldn’t tell you what happened exactly because it didn’t really affect me much except to think back and recall how strange the whole thing was. This uber religious sex god was the only guy I remember seeing before the self proclaimed “Hurricane.” You would have thought that I learned my lesson about people I went to high school with after uber religious sex god but no.. I found I really don’t learn lessons. I will run into a door of glass, get knocked down, shake it off, and run right back into that same glass door. I like to call it “perseverance” but I think I might just be fooling myself. 

A girlfriend and I were spending a night out on the town as we did about every other weekend or so back then. She had been working downtown for a while and being the social butterfly that she is, she always tended to get noticed. There was hardly a night where we went out and we DIDN’T hear her name called across the bar or the room. But the night of Hurricane, my name was called. My full name. My girlfriend and I stop mid-step and look at each other through side-eyes, trying to silently confirm that we heard what we thought we heard. Then, there it was again. Someone repeated my full name. Clearly caught off guard, we turned in slow motion to see the face that the voice calling my name belonged to. He motioned me over and went on to ask how I had been and what I was up to. I could not for the life of me remember his name. I remember the name of a girl I had in class for one year back in kindergarten but I could NOT remember his name. Was he from high school? Was he from trade school? Is this a complete coincidence and I have a twin with my exact same name? Not wanting to be an ass hole, I continued to talk to him and just pretended like I knew exactly who he was. But I am a shit liar and he called me out on it to which I admitted having no clue what his name was or where I should know him from. After he reintroduced himself and after me feeling like a complete dunce for forgetting his name, we wrapped up the conversation and my girlfriend and I made our way to iHop to eat our way through the lingering drunkenness... because pancakes. As we walked to the heaven that is a hot plate of flap jacks covered in syrup, I opened my phone to a new friend request notification.

Hurricane and I started talking on Facebook and then we started talking through text message and then we started talking on the phone all the while the conversation becoming more and more flirty. Correction: his conversation was becoming more and more flirty. I am incapable of flirting. If a guy had to choose which was more charming, me flirting or a pile of wet grass just being a pile of wet grass... The pile of wet grass would leave with a brand new boyfriend and I would be standing there trying to figure out the difference between batting eye lashes and blinking. But Hurricane was a fantastic flirt. I should have known he was trouble right then and there. Guys who know exactly how to flirt, know how to flirt for a reason. They get women, LOTS of women. But I am naive and a hopeless romantic and like I said, I never learn. We started hanging out and eventually we kissed. I knew he was significantly more experienced than I was and after the tragic mess of my life that I had just recently put back together, I told him I would really like to take it no further than kissing for a while. We were only two weeks into whatever we were doing and in an attempt to shield my heart, I asked to take it slow. About 20 hours later, I threw caution to the wind and increased my number to two. Since he was such a good kisser and so experienced, I was REALLY looking forward to shedding clothes and seeing if Hurricane could do what Uber Religious Sex God claimed he could do. Wreck my body in a way no man ever had or ever could and send me over the edge with the most mind-blowing orgasm a woman could ever dream of! 

...

...

Then it was over. All my built up anticipation gave my disappointment all that much further to plummet when I realized that Hurricane was really good at kissing but really shit in bed. 

He was very well endowed but unfortunately, had no idea how to use his God given gift. I have come to notice that those with large packages have no idea how to deliver them pleasurably. They just seem to shove it in and think if they plunge in and out, harder and faster without paying attention to ANY of the female sweet spots, that the woman will be turned to a shuddering, melting pile of ecstasy by the shear magnitude of their cock. But guys, your dick is not a magic wand. I realize that the girls in the movies and in the “movies” start moaning the second the guy on screen whips out his spawn hammer but that’s not how it works in real life. You don’t drop trou and all of a sudden illuminate the world in the light of your love muscle. We do not suddenly understand the secrets of the universe because your flesh flute graced us with it’s presence. 

I can’t blame it all on him though. I was feeling more put together and more like myself but I was not bold enough to tell him what I needed from him. Not that he would listen and not that I would know. I am pretty sure that at that time, I had just discovered the majesty that is masturbation and hardly knew what to do myself much less how to tell someone else. So I went along with it for a while because he was new and he could be fun and he had such a way with words such as when he asked to try my black bean burger and said

“It doesn’t taste like meat”

or post coitus when he so endearingly stated

 “Damn, you sure know how to take a dick.”

-_-

(Sorry mom...)

But as time progressed, I started to notice things. Like how he continually told me that he was bad for me and that I shouldn’t be with him and that any time I decided to jump ship that he would understand. But I didn’t listen to him, I never listen to anyone other than myself. He could tell me over and over again how he wasn’t good for me and I would tell him to let me make my own decision and if he was looking for a way out from me, to just leave. He didn’t leave and I didn’t listen. It wasn’t even that he was that bad of a guy. I wouldn’t honestly really know who he was though because as it turned out, he was ALWAYS drunk. He would call me at 8:30 in the morning and be drunk while fishing with a buddy and then proceed to drink throughout the rest of the day. He was drunk when he drove 45 minutes to see me at the house I was sitting and still not sober by the time he left to drive the 45 minutes back to our hometown. All the while not telling me he had been drinking until he made it back to his house to pass out. He was drunk the night I had to drive to some random neighborhood to bring him back to MY house where I lived with my parents so that I could take him to get his car off the side of the road the next morning. He had ran into the side of the highway and busted his tire. He had been drinking and driving. I still didn’t run away until it came time to pick up my parents from the airport one evening. He volunteered to go with me to get them and I read into that as a sign that our relationship was on it’s way to the next level. The day went on and I heard from him less and less until it was about 3 hours before I was supposed to get my parents and he stopped responding at all. I kept trying to figure out if he was going with me or not so I would know to wait for him but he kept not responding. He didn’t respond until I had already picked up my parents and made it home. He claimed he had been stuck at work and couldn’t leave but when I asked what he was doing at that moment, he was at a friends house. I will never truly know why he offered to go with me and then blew me off but then again, I don’t know that I truly care. 

I tried to give him another chance the next morning when I asked to hang out and he told me he was busy hanging out with the same group of friends. He had been talking to me differently though. No longer flirty. No longer exciting. Just short, clipped text messages void of sincerity, feeling, or emotion. I decided I might need to change something and like any other right-brained person would do, I buried my feelings and made a pros and cons list. 

Cons:

Always drunk, no longer putting in effort, no ambition for the future, former drug dealer, always drunk, shit bags for friends, a shit bag to my friends, probably drunk right now, shitty drunk sex, diminishing humour and personality when conversing, only wants to play video games but is actually really terrible at said video games, cool Hurricane gamer tag, did I mention he drinks a lot?

Pros: 

He took me to eat Mexican food once

As I am sure you have figured out by now, no amount of Mexican food could make that pro list longer than the con list. So I texted him and reminded him how he said I could jump ship at any time and told him I was calling it. I was jumping ship. 

“Cool.”

And that was that. Fast forward a few weeks later after I pestered him for days to get a pair of my socks back, (they were socks my friend brought me back from Korea, you can’t just leave a man with your Korean Spiderman socks. You just can’t) Hurricane called me around midnight-thirty crying, begging me to give him another chance. Would you know, Hurricane was drunk. *insert feigned shocked face here” He continued to call and I continued to deny his request of one more chance. He would cry and beg and spout out bull shit like 

“I would have moved to Italy for you”

and 

“I love you”

To which I would respond with things like ‘well now you don’t have to move’ and ‘You do not love me.’ See, he loved the idea of me. He loved the idea of a bleach blonde accountant to spread her legs for him one minute and then do his taxes the next. He loved the idea of the woman who sings songs in different languages to try to learn those languages so that he and she could move there one day. He loved the idea of the woman who would happily change his tire on the side of the road because he was still too hungover to take care of himself. He loved the idea of the woman who was laid back and chill and would play video games and let him win. But I am not that girl. I am not a hole for your dick one minute and a brain for your convenience the next. I am not a translator for a lazy man who can’t learn a new language that isn’t “American.” I am someone who will change your tired because you are still too hungover to care of yourself, but I will not do it happily and I will make sure you are very, very aware of my agitation. I am not laid back, I am not chill, and I will not let you win at video games. I am outspoken. I am insecure. I am needy. And I am unafraid to be all that and more. 

Mean. Bitch. Cold. Heartless.

No matter how many negative names he threw my way, I didn’t break. I didn’t back down. I didn’t let him back in. Mean because I took his own advise? Bitch because I wanted someone who would remember the conversation we had from the day before? Cold because I wouldn’t give more chances to someone who would drink them away the next chance he got? Heartless because I wouldn’t mimic his drunken words? I was not mean. I was not a bitch. I was not cold. I am not heartless. I am none of those things he called me. I am a woman who knows what I want. I am a woman who values herself more than words drenched in alcohol tossed about in weak attempts to soothe a man’s broken ego. I am a woman who saw through the ‘I love you’s’ and the ‘I miss you’s’ and read the message between the lines.

He didn’t love me. He didn’t want us to be forever. 

He wanted the chance to end it with me. HE wanted to break up with ME and it killed him that I had to audacity to end it with someone as cool as Hurricane. 

But it wasn’t even about who ended it with who. I chose me. I chose my happiness over his ego and I wouldn’t change a damned thing about it.

Yours Truly,

Stunningly Normal