#but still. the white middle class american in me is telling me im ceding defeat if i go back.
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in my workhating era :/
#i'll never be able to last more than a year anywhere. i just get so tired so fast#i was never going to stay at this job long term but it's only been nine and a half months#with past jobs that i hated it was a slow build but this week i was just SLAMMED with the idontwanttodothis out of nowhere#workposting#oh nanamin we're really in it now#i had an epiphany in the cereal aisle at trader joes. i've been lying to myself for years. or at least not acknowledging the truth#i always thought i was someone who just didnt want things. no dreams no ambitions indifferent about having a career or a family or a goal#that's still true. i dont really care to have those things. but i DO want things. i want to create things#no i NEED to create. it's a compulsion. im funny in the head because the art and the stories cant get out#good art is a moral imperative.#and if what i want is to create then why am i not doing everything in my power to make that happen#which is why i think i need to move back in with my parents. even if its not the ideal sitch my cost of living will drastically decrease#and i can support myself on part time work#and since i have parents who are affluent enough and kind enough to take me back into the family#it would be stupid to NOT use that resource and privilege if the pursuit of art and story is what i really really want#(and it is. i want it so badly more than anything i cant believe FOR YEARS i thought i didnt want.)#but still. the white middle class american in me is telling me im ceding defeat if i go back.#that im a failure if im not maintaining independence post-grad#well guess what. im living that dream babey im a big girl fully independent in the real world. and it SUCKS.#it's lonely out here.#im tired of my job controlling my life. i should be able to attend my sisters graduation and my friends weddings and do so without guilt.#personal
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