#but the last few months. idk. it's about the Frequency and Intensity

[thegreathomestuckreread]

been spinning my wheels again about whether or not i'm autistic

it would explain. so many things. and i feel like a lot of my experiences make so much more sense with that lens of processing the world applied to it

like at this point i've got over a decade of scattered research and reading trying to figure this shit out, including results from a smattering of self-report assessments where almost all of them place me in the autistic scoring range

but more recently all that's brought me to like. the emotional intensity of the autistic experience seems like a pretty crucial piece of the picture and i don't think i really meet that?? things like, i'm a highly empathetic person, but i don't think it's autistic high empathy, not debilitating like my high school friend who once started crying because i was describing an animal video to them. i have a hard time crying actually, it's something i do very infrequently. that's just one more specific example but just like in general, from what i can see the burning overwhelming intensity of emotion is kind of a really big part of the autistic experience, and i don't think i'm there, or at least not there with enough regularity for it to be like A Thing

and like i don't think i've ever had an experience that would fit the description of an autistic meltdown, or an autistic shutdown. i mean, maybe some of my experiences could fit into descriptions of a shutdown, but idk if the same intensity is there, and even if it is the frequency seems way too, well, infrequent to qualify. anything that might fit the description of a meltdown i think would be much better described as just a plain ol' emotional breakdown. and along the same lines i don't think i've ever experienced what would be called sensory overload

like even as a child i don't think the slipper fits on this stuff, i was perhaps a bit more emotionally intense than my peers but not like my autistic childhood best friend was, i didn't even really have tantrums that could have been mislabelled meltdowns

but there's so much other stuff that just makes so much sense. [i had a whole huge paragraph here but i've cut it and put it under the readmore at the bottom to cut length]

there's more. it's a lot. i've been adding things to this paragraph for at least 20 minutes now, maybe closer to 30. like there's a very good reason that i am still on this research thread after so many years. i just can't shake that i could be reading it all wrong

like all of the stuff i talk about causing me stress or whatever, i'm getting the sense that it's not with the same intensity as the autistic experience of that stress. like it really stresses me out yeah, but like. not enough maybe??????????? and that's kind of the thing with most of these traits i guess, i'm questioning whether i actually experience them with enough frequency and intensity that they would fall under autistic experiences

and like, i'm not going to seek professional assessment, because even with a diagnosis i don't know what that would do for me as an adult. the accommodations i got in school for my chronic illness covered any time i needed accommodations for brain reasons while i was in school, not like i plan on going back. and idk what i could even ask from a professional working environment

and at the end of the day if i'm not even seeking that what does it matter???? like can i not just exist as i am and keep using the tools that help me regardless of whether or not i may qualify as Diagnosably Autistic? i guess it all comes down to like, i don't want to water down what autism means by calling myself autistic if that's not really it. it would just be really nice to know why these things are hard and know there's a community of people who understand that. it just feels like if that's not it then what have i been doing wrong? if that's not it what am i doing wrong?? bluh

the childhood bullying and being confused as to why people didn't like me, the intense social anxiety in high school, struggling to start and end conversations that don't serve a logistical purpose, difficulty maintaining or initiating small-talk, how fucking hard it is to maintain friendships especially over time and distance, forgetting to fucking talk to people lol, literally all of the close friendships i've ever had being with people who are autistic or adhd or both, all of those people looping me in as neurodivergent without me even saying anything about it, my ex who said that when they were confused and frustrated trying to figure out what the fuck my deal was and complaining to their mom the two of them would use autism as a lens to talk out what the fuck my deal was and it was genuinely very helpful lmaooooo, my general inclination towards just telling the truth and how stressed i get about lying and dishonesty, the 'picky eating', the chewing the shit out of my lip, constant fiddling with my clothes and jewellery, being a 'high-energy child' (my mother's words) aka hyper bouncing off the walls, the specific noises that made me cover my ears and run away as a child (ripping up the bathmat and the sound of the vhs rewinder going really fast), the amount of stress i feel in unpredictable situations or when plans change unexpectedly or when i'm not prepared for a situation, how untethered i feel without some semblance of routine, the empty state of my brain when plans change and i don't know what to do with myself lol, how stressed the thought of not being in control of myself or being in an uncontrollable environment makes me, my systematizing and sorting and categorizing and organizing, when i learned what even numbers were as a child and immediately thought "those are my favourite numbers because they can be divided neatly", how i often speak in fractions and percentages, my attention to detail and noticing small details others don't (and sometimes having to pretend i don't notice things so i don't come across as 'nitpicking' or 'creepy'), researching and researching and researching for the smallest decisions, being overwhelmed with excessive options and just shutting down and not doing anything, general excessive indecisiveness, my god the fucking 'procrastination' on school assignments and communications and fun things that i would like to be doing, my 'literal' reading of school assignment outlines and surprise at seeing how classmates could twist the assignment and still do very well, my multi-year intense interests such as the sims 3 and homestuck and animal crossing, the fact that even when i play the sims i forget to make my sims talk to people until i realise their social meter is really low lol, how i lost so many things as a child, how if i don't have a written prioritized to-do list i tend to just faff about aimlessly and forget everything that i need to do and/or not get most or all of it done, the genetic factor of it running in both sides of my family

[aspd-culture]

Heya, idk if this is a valid question or is really dumb, but like, does the age at which ASPD behavior starts to show have to be strictly 15?

I have been wondering whether I should get officially diagnosed, since the media and general societal representation of it doesn’t seem as reflecting of me (with exception of a few) but I do relate extremely closely to most of the diagnosing criteria. Although??? The physical aggression thing?? Like I have those impulses and plenty of them, but I just don’t follow through with most because of convenience. That sort of thing is one of the main things that makes me doubt whether I do actually have it. (Same with impulsive behaviors etc)

But my main point/ask is the age thing. As a very young child I was pretty sweet? Ig? Like I wasn’t an aggressive child, rather pretty passive. As far as I recall, my symptoms started when I was about 15-16, when I was starting to process that mine was a traumatic situation? and earlier than that I was just an edgy teen, I guess? I sure had some of the symptons way earlier, but the main ones/ the ones that I feel are more prominent in me didn’t show up until a bit later? I’m not sure. So my question is, does it mean it can’t be ASPD?

Also your page is lifesaving. Thanks man.

Note: due to the way copy and pasting criteria works on tumblr, this post will be written exclusively in plain text, as copying and pasting it all over again would take forever, but I want this post to be accessible still.

I haaaate the way the DSM phrases criteria. Absolutely no worries, it is confusing as heck and you wouldn't be the first person at all to ask about this.

So, the symptoms of Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder (DSM criteria below) need to show by or before the age of 15. (I do not know if Intermittent Explosive Disorder satisfies this criteria, but it very well may.) That means they may start when you're a toddler, or they may start when you're 14.5. Anywhere in there, you have to qualify for one of those two disorders, but you also do not have to have been diagnosed with them.

Also, having had been an "edgy teen" definitely could have been those symptoms showing themselves. The reason ASPD can't be diagnosed before 18 is because teenage edginess could either be symptoms or be normal, and the only real way to tell is if it continues past teenage and into adulthood.

The diagnostic criteria of Oppostional Defiant Disorder is as follows, quoted from the DSM-V TR:

A. A pattern of angry/iritable mood, argumentative/defiant behavior, or vindictiveness lasting at least 6 months as evidenced by at least four symptoms from any of the following categories, and exhibited during interaction with at least one individual who is not a sibling.

Angry/lrritable Mood

1. Often loses temper

2. Is often touchy or easily annoyed

3. Is often angry and resentful.

Argumentative/Defiant Behavior

4. Often argues with authority figures or, for children and adolescents, with adults.

5. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or with rules

6. Often deliberately annoys others

7. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior.

Vindictiveness

8. Has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice within the past 6 months

Note: The persistence and frequency of these behaviors should be used to distinguish a behavior that is within normal limits from a behavior that is symptomatic. For children younger than 5 years, the behavior should occur on most days for a period of at least 6 months unless otherwise noted (Criterion A8). For individuals 5 years or older, the behavior should occur at least once per week for at least 6 months, unless otherwise noted (Criterion A8). While these frequency criteria provide guidance on a minimal level of frequency to define symptoms, other factors should also be considered, such as whether the frequency and intensity of the behaviors are outside a range that is normative for the individual's developmental level, gender, and culture.

B. The disturbance in behavior is associated with distress in the individual or others in his or her immediate social context (e.g., family, peer group, work colleagues), or it impacts negatively on social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning

C. The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a psychotic substance use, depressive, or bipolar disorder. Also, the criteria are not met for disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.

[End quote]

Conduct disorder's criteria more clearly shows the lead-in to ASPD.

The diagnostic criteria for Conduct Disorder is as follows, quoted from the DSM-V TR:

A. A repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated, as manifested by the presence of at least three of the following 15 criteria in the past 12 months from any of the categories below, with at least one criterion present in the past 6 months:

Aggression to People and Animals

1. Often bullies, threatens, or intimidates others.

2. Often initiates physical fights.

3. Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun)

4. Has been physically cruel to people

5. Has been physically cruel to animals

6. Has stolen while confronting a victim (e.g., mugging, purse snatching, extortion, armed robbery)

7. Has forced someone into sexual activity

Destruction of Property

8. Has deliberately engaged in fire setting with the intention of causing serious damage.

9. Has deliberately destroyed others' property (other than by fire setting).

Deceitfulness or Theft

10. Has broken into someone else's house, building, or car.

11. Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., "cons' others).

12. Has stolen items of nontrivial value without confronting a victim (e.g. shoplifting, but without breaking and entering; forgery)

Serious Violations of Rules

13. Often stays out at night despite parental prohibitions, beginning before age 13 years.

14. Has run away from home overnight at least twice while living in the parental or parental surrogate home, or once without returning for a lengthy period

15. Is often truant from school, beginning before age 13 years

B. The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning

C. If the individual is age 18 years or older, criteria are not met for antisocial personality disorder.

[Skipping a bit of the quote which specifies codes for the various ages CD can present. It is worth noting that these are *not* criteria, they are specifications to be noted in the file of the person being diagnosed with conduct disorder to accurately describe their experience. As you'll see, these specifications are flags as to whether a child/teen with conduct disorder should be evaluated for ASPD upon reaching adulthood.]

Specify if:

With limited prosocial emotions: To qualify for this specifier, an individual must have displayed at least two of the following characteristics persistently over at least 12 months and in multiple relationships and settings. These characteristics reflect the individual's typical pattern of interpersonal and emotional functioning over this period and not just occasional occurrences in some situations. Thus, to assess the criteria for the specifier, multiple information sources are necessary. In addition to the individual's self-report, it is necessary to consider reports by others who have known the individual for extended periods of time (e.g., parents, teachers, co-workers, extended family members, peers).

Lack of remorse or guilt: Does not feel bad or guilty when he or she does something wrong (exclude remorse when expressed only when caught and/or facing punishment). The individual shows a general lack of concern about the negative consequences of his or her actions. For example, the individual is not remorseful after hurting someone or does not care about the consequences of breaking rules.

Callous-lack of empathy: Disregards and is unconcerned about the feelings of others. The individual is described as cold and uncaring. The individual appears more concerned about the effects of his or her actions on himself or herself, rather than their effects on others, even when they result in substantial harm to others.

Unconcerned about performance: Does not show concern about poor/problematic performance at school, at work, or in other important activities. The individual does not put forth the effort necessary to perform well, even when expectations are clear, and typically blames others for his or her poor performance.

Shallow or deficient affect: Does not express feelings or show emotions to others, except in ways that seem shallow, insincere, or superficial (e.g. actions contradict the emotion displayed; can turn emotions "on" or "off" quickly) or when emotional expressions are used for gain (e.g., emotions displayed to manipulate or intimidate others).

Specify current severity:

Mild: Few if any conduct problems in excess of those required to make the diagnosis are present, and conduct problems cause relatively minor harm to others (e.g., lying, truancy, staying out after dark without permission, other rule breaking)

Moderate: The number of conduct problems and the effect on others are intermediate between those specified in "mild" and those in "severe" (e.g. stealing without confronting a victim, vandalism)

Severe: Many conduct problems in excess of those required to make the diagnosis are present, or conduct problems cause considerable harm to others (e.g., forced sex, physical cruelty, use of a weapon, stealing while confronting a victim, breaking and entering).

[End of Quote]

As you can see, the criteria required before age 15 is not as intense as many professionals describe it. Remember that you are only required to have shown 3 out of the total 15 criteria in there. There is even a whole specifier for Conduct Disorder that is mild and only includes things like lying, basic rule-breaking, and/or staying out past curfew.

Acts of physical aggression are not actually required for ASPD at all, it's just that many prosocials see that being one of the possible symptoms and fixate on it, thus pushing everyone with ASPD into the box of physical aggresion. You absolutely can have ASPD and never act on any violent thoughts or urges.

I was also a very sweet and passive child, developing most of my externalized ASPD symptoms (rule breaking, disrespectful behavior/actions, challenging authority, etc) around age 13. However, the internal symptoms were there for me much younger - easily bored with poor handling of boredom, lack of empathetic reactions, difficulty apologizing/showing remorse due to not really feeling it, becoming very angry but not showing it, resulting for me in self destructive behaviors like cheek biting or controlled destructive behaviors like breaking something that wouldn't be missed (pencils and pens mostly for me).

Regardless of what symptoms were shown when, symptoms are still symptoms, and if you had enough for Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder before your 16th birthday, you are well within possibility of having ASPD. Keep in mind that the lying, manipulation, etc that can qualify for Conduct Disorder doesn't have to be grandiose or destructive except where it is explicitly stated in the criteria that it does (such as fire setting only counting for the destruction of property criteria if you meant to damage something with said fire).

It's so easy to count yourself out of ASPD because you don't fit the stereotypes or public perception of ASPD, but I assure you that there are many, many ways something as complex as a personality disorder can show itself.

It is absolutely a great thing, however, that you are covering your bases and making sure to do the research to see if this is what you have. That is the basis of an informed self-dx, should you come to the conclusion that you have ASPD.

Now, as for actually getting diagnosed, your mileage may vary with professionals. Many have bias against pwASPD ingrained into their practice, and won't diagnose you with it even though you have it if you aren't/weren't violent, law-breaking, or if they just think you "seem far too kind to have ASPD" (a real quote a former professional said to me a few months before I was diagnosed by my long-time psychiatrist). This doesn't mean you don't have ASPD. If they can't give you other explanations that make sense, and if their reasons for denying you that diagnosis are based in stigma or anything other than actual criteria, then you are well within your rights to continue being self-dx.

A professional should be able to explain, using criteria, why you don't have a disorder you think you may have. If they're doing their job, they should be willing to explain to you what their reasons are and point you in the direction they think may be causing the symptoms. And no, "just acting like a teenager" isn't good enough if enough symptoms have persisted into adulthood for you to meet the criteria for ASPD.

I hope this helps, apologies for it being so long.

[iacon-stargazer]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE: MUN & MUSE

fill out & repost ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope oc’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multimuses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by: stolen from @oneshallfall like.... months ago. im a slow gremlin hjksd. it's been in my drafts and i finally decided to finish the last few sections while working on clearing them out

tagging: steal it

MY MUSE IS.   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless

is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  Well.../ NO / IDK. (i know optimus is but i don’t really... know about orion? i have seen a handful of fanartists who turn him into a very sexualized moe baby but i’m not sure about the fandom at large)

is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

are they underrated?  YES / NO. (lmao there’s like no fan content with him unless it’s with megatronus) 

were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO.

were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO. (not yet.... lol)

how’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?

This... this is a trick question in this goddamn mess of a continuity. That said, I try my absolute best to make my portrayal coherent with the TFP show... even if said show contradicts itself at times. I take inspiration from the earlier parts (the thirteen primes section) of the Covenant of Primus for his origin backstory, but ignore the rest of the Covenant since it makes absolutely no sense with his characterization in... literally anything else. I’ve peeked at Exodus and it utterly sucks, but I’ve picked up bits and pieces of concepts that originated there just from spending time in the fandom. Aside from that... I spend a ton of time thinking about how to weave everything together in a way that both makes sense and makes for a character development arc.

SELL YOUR MUSE! (aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.)

Orion is genuinely kind, thoughtful, and introspective, very loving of the world around him.

He’s also a more complex character than is initially obvious - despite mostly being good sweet pure baby nerd he’s still flawed, with many of those flaws being his strengths put into the wrong situation. His strong morals can lead to dogmatism, and he’s only slightly less likely to deliver lectures than Optimus. His determination to be kind and help everyone can come off as unintentionally patronizing at times; he has a very “well-intentioned semi-privileged middle class” perspective that he’s not always self-aware of. However, he’s also willing to look at himself critically and learn/adapt. 

Essentially, he has many of the same traits as Optimus... just more or less apparent and/or developed. He's less confident than he eventually becomes through his future experience with leadership, wanting to change the world for the better but sometimes struggling to ground his plans in reality—something that continues to apply, but with reduced intensity and frequency over time. Idealistic cinnamon roll will eventually develop some realism, though never really quite enough. His selflessness remains a strength for now, but we know that eventually it will dip into martyristic tendencies.

NOW THE OPPOSITE! (list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?)

He could be potentially ‘boring’ in some senses. he’s the polite, considerate ‘next door’ type, who has for most of his life has just lived as a very average middle caste nobody. He’s more laid-back than he eventually becomes as optimus, but where others might get into trouble and shenanigans he’s most likely to just express concern. And since I try to keep him at least mostly ic, even with non-serious posts, this can derail ‘fun’ stuff and I fear dissuade some interaction.

While I try my best to give him realistic flaws that work with his character, he could still be seen as a little too good. very kind, understanding, forgiving, patient, considerate... almost endlessly so. A lot of my “he’s so good and pure” interpretation comes from using his having been the thirteenth prime as backstory, where he was pretty much the epitome of that, but some might not like the “he was a literal deity in a past life” idea for its “super special chosen one protagonist” elements.

His responsiveness to his environment can also be a downside. He’s not the type to start things; he just reacts and responds, standing his ground and finding himself when things get crazy around him. without megatronus, he may have eventually attempted political campaigning, but it wouldn’t have gotten very far. He needs to have more intense characters or events around him for major plots to really go places. Without those nothing would ever happen besides slice of life fluff, because he’s content with that kind of life.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?  

Honestly I just wanted to write op/ratch fhsjkdjsdh. But I also wanted to be able to interact with a variety of muses and so I chose Orion over Optimus because he’s not so emotionally closed off, which I figured would give more flexibility beyond the handful of characters op would reasonably have close personal and/or plot-important relationships with. Also, I can relate to him on a thought-process level which lets me get into his head easily, which additionally made him an appealing choice for my first real rp muse.

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?  

I just love him so much, especially with the layers of his character I've built up around him. I don't always have inspiration to write or rp, but I think about him a lot. When I do find motivation to write, it's generally out of wanting to continue to work on developing him and just having a chance to express his characterization.

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO.

do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO.  (i should do it more...)

do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES / NO.

are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. (at least most days fhsdhfskj)

are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. (it waxes and wanes. I know I'm a good writer but I could still be better...)

are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?

I’ll be honest; I’ve never gotten criticism. I haven’t been here very long in comparison to some and I’ve never been that popular, so I figure I’m pretty easy to just ignore. I guess how I would feel about it would depend on what it was and how it was delivered, though I like to think I would be reasonable regardless

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?  

yes? yes absolutely?

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  

I would be curious to hear their reasoning, but I think enough about how everything fits together that chances are I would agree to disagree

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?

Depends on if their disagreement makes sense. Maybe I’ll give back my own reasoning for why I characterize the way I do. Maybe I’ll just agree to disagree, if their view is just totally different from mine. If they have valid points I’ll probably overthink it and spiral into self doubt. In all cases I’ll spill my thoughts to friends on discord.

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?

......Orion in general or? ... fhsjkdhf...... Well if it was mine specifically that might hurt lol. But at the same time.... I doubt i’d agree with their takes either so... fair enough.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?  

Sure. I’m good at grammar so if something glaring is there it’s probably a typo I missed and I’ll be grateful for the chance to edit it out before more people see it lol

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?  

Yeah. I’m pretty quiet most of the time because I just don’t have energy to talk to a lot of people, and I never want to get caught in drama. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do in a situation like that. I tend to avoid conflict, I’m quick to apologize, and polite with anyone I don’t know very well.

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday, jobanana7!

Today, we wish a very Happy Birthday to @jobanana7! We hope you had a wonderful day, and got just exactly the presents you wanted. To end your special day with a flourish, the lovely @mega-aulover has written a story just for you!

PROMPT: I would love a little story that talks about mental illness, ik is kinda weird but I would love to see like a growing back together after dealing with the process of going and dealing with a mental illness?? Idk of that makes sense. But I would love that. Thanks!!!!!-Jobanana7

RATING/WARNINGS:  Rated T / Cannon Growing Angst- Trigger Warning mentions of suicide

A/N:

●       Special thanks to @Booksrocksmyface for her guidance, encouragement and beta skills.

●       Feliz Cumpleaños  to @Jobanana7 Espero que tengas un día maravilloso! I hope I did justice to the prompt.

Fractured Glass:

1st Year Together:

A scream pierced the night air. Peeta gripped the pillow in his hand. He twisted it as he listened to Katniss’s blood curdling cries. Swaying back and forth, he put his hands to his ears to block out her screams. He can’t listen to her anymore, cannot hear her hurting. But as much as he wanted to go to her, to comfort her, Peeta was emotionally paralyzed, he wasn’t right just yet. Yesterday he had his worst episode, he’d held on to the back of the chair until it splintered in his hands.

“My name is Peeta Mellark, I am eighteen years old. I survived two Hunger Games,” he whispered to himself. “I live in district twelve. Snow is dead, and can’t hurt me.” He repeated the mantra Dr. Aurelius taught him to keep himself from having a hijacked episode. His breathing is ragged, and is holding onto reality by a thread.  “I am not a mutt. I am no longer a piece in their games. I am safe.”

His lips quivered as he tried to speak the next sentence, but he choked on his words. “Katniss is not a mutt,” his fists curled up as he pictured Katniss covered in flames. “She is not the enemy. I once loved her.”

 His mind breaks and he shakes from the violent images that began filling his brain. Katniss’s face contorts into a fierce demonic creature, pure fear raced through his body.

 “It’s not real, it’s not real,” he whispered to himself over and over again. He uses one of the memories he knows to be true.

 Tears fell from his eyes.  Peeta conjured up in his mind the girl with the twin braids and the voice of an angel. He could clearly visualize her in the red dress, the shiny mary-jane shoes, rosey cheeks, and innocent eyes. His attack slowly ebbed away as he was able to distinguish the shiny Capitol memories from the real ones.

 He didn’t go to her but Peeta vowed he would, one day.

 Second Year Together:

 Peeta stood at the entrance of the bedroom, he ran his hands through his hair.  After a year of slowly becoming friends once more, they decided to try sharing a bed. His mind flashed to the footage he’d seen of his hijacked self choking Katniss.  His breathing became labored and he opens and closes his fits to keep control.

 “Katniss, I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

 Her face fell, he could see it in her expressive eyes, how much she needed him. Katniss always kept her guard up, she only allowed him to see straight into her soul. He closed his eyes and pictured her at eleven, sitting by the empty trash bins. The icy slush could have killed her but didn’t. It was that vacant look, as death crept into her bones that he saw, that drove him to throw her the bread. He’d been willing to get a beating for it.

 He couldn’t let her die then, and it still stands true today. However, he couldn’t do this with her tonight, Peeta was too afraid of physically hurting her. His mind was still like fragmented pieces of glass. Unable to look at her, he turned around to leave.

 “Peeta.”

 Her voice was desperate, it caused him to pause his retreat.

 “You can stay in my mom’s old bedroom it’s just down the hall.” Her voice was hoarse. He turned around and saw she was combatting tears. “I just need you to be near, will you allow that?”

 It was a solution that sounded too good to be true, but one he could live with.  “I could do that.”

 “Okay.” Katniss nodded. “I’ll go fix up the room for you Peeta.”

 She pushed herself against the door jam as she slid by him. He was thankful she didn’t touch him. Right now touching, holding, intimate things were beyond his scope.

  That night neither one could sleep. He was worried that he would get up and hurt her. And she feared  the nightly terrors that plagued her sleep. They ended up downstairs. He made bread, she watched him, and in the morning they finally fell asleep sitting on the sofa sitting beside each other.

 Peeta thought to himself this was a great start, they were at least under the same roof.

 Six months later:

Katniss was moving in with him. She’d had her worst episode yet, she tried to cut her wrists. Katniss had gone inside of her sister’s room chasing the cat. Being in her sisters room triggered her nervous breakdown. Dr. Aurelius suggested she move in with Peeta as there weren’t any triggers at his house.

 All that Katniss brought with her was her bow, the game bag with a  few pieces of clothing, the plant book,  and the memory book they’d made. Trailing behind her was that ugly, mangy cat who took off when he saw some of Haymitch’s geese.

 That night Peeta was in his room, counting down until the moment his eyes slid shut, and the nightly terrors to start.  He’s left the door opened just in case she needs him. He closes his eyes and when he awakes he sees a slight figure standing by the foot of his bed.

 Katniss stands with her head cast low, her dark hair covering her face. He can see her hands are klutched together.

 “Peeta.”

 Her voice sounds scared and child like. Peeta realizes she's just as broken as he is. He lifts the blanket and she climbs into bed with him. He holds her trembling form. He vows they will never sleep apart.

 3rd Year Together:

 Sleeping together has helped them both. They comfort each other during the night as they face the onslaught of horrific memories and Capitol-spun lies.

 They've become inseparable. During their joint therapy sessions with the doctor, they've learned the art of communication. He talks. she listens, her hand grips his, and her eyes reflect the care she feels for him. When she speaks, her words are few, but Peeta makes sure to be attentive and supportive.

 Katniss isn't a talker she's much more of a doer, she acts on instinct. Peeta acknowledges he’s the one with the words, he is also a planner.  Lately he's been speaking about the bakery, and the idea of possibly starting one again. He feels if he can have the same land then he can somehow have a piece of his family, of his old self back.

 Unannounced, Katniss went out and filled out the paperwork to reclaim his family's old plot in town. She handed him the documents and told him, “For when you're ready.”

 Peeta cried. She gave him back his family. He discovered he needs her strengths.

 They've fallen into a routine: she hunts and he bakes.  They take tentative steps every day as the doctor has ordered. They keep a journal of the good things and read it every night before they go to bed to remind them that life can be good.

 His episodes don't last as long and the frequency diminished.  He's able to see the girl who used to trade with his father at the back of the bakery. A shy girl, a smart girl, a girl that many people looked up to, including himself.

 “Peeta.”

 Her soft voice brings him out if his wanderings.   His face contorts to make a smile. Peeta watches in awe as a blush blooms on her cheeks. He relaxes and his smile widens even more when he sees the shy glittering glance she gives him.  Just like she did whenever she came to trade. Peeta notices how his hearts melts, and his hands shake not from fear but from the rush of emotions.

 That night as they share a bed, he wonders if he's falling in love with her.  He questions if it is even possible for his hijacked mind to fall in love with a creature he was conditioned to fear. His heart tells him yes.

 4th Year Together:

 Peeta rushed home from the main part of town. He saw the lightning race in the clouds ahead right before he heard the roar of thunder. He hurried his steps, he needed to get home quickly. The lightning illuminated his steps as he made his way through the darkened path to the Victors Village. The clap of thunder caused him to run.

 Thunder is one of Katniss’s triggers. The noise reminds her of all of the awful things she suffered in her past, the death of her father, in her fractured mind the noise of the explosive Gale made when it took her sister Prim’s life, and it was also the cannon of the arena and the explosion she experienced right before they were separated and he was captured by the Capitol.

 “Katniss,” he shouts into the still house. Closing the door he runs up the stairs toward her safe place. The closest in is his studio.

 Everything's been going well between them. They were growing closer emotionally, romantically and physically. With each passing day they grew more intimate with the other but they were not ready to make the jump to make love, he often stopped short because not only was Katniss not ready he wasn’t either. The intensity between them was like blinding white light and he often slipped out of bed to take care of his hard-on.  

 It started with a shy kiss on the cheek. It developed to tender brushes on lips when they parted for the day. One day those soft shy brushes deepened. Soon lips parted, tasted and suckled. Kisses that made his heart fly and his hands shly wonder. Kisses that heated his skin. Kisses that inspired him to think of more than just innocent platonic meanderings, these were riveting thoughts like bright emotional colors on the canvas of his soul.

 Today he’d been in town finalizing the bakery drawings with the architect when he saw the storm clouds roll in from the window. He made it to the house just as the rain fell, but the crackling, rumbling and the exploding echo engulfed their home in the Victors Village.

 “Katniss,” Peeta called as he reached the room.

 “Peeta,” she called, flying into his arms. Her face washed with tears, her  fingernails bit into the flesh of his arms. “You’re real.”

 “I’m real,” he whispered into her hair.  He sat with her in the closet facing her terror together, because that’s what they did best. From the beginning they faced all obstacles as a team. The victory tour he recalled how she bravely took the microphone to speak to Rue’s mother. The way her voice started off quiet but grew as she gathered her courage. He didn’t know that it was due to his pledge to give a portion of his money away.

 He could still picture her standing in that dress, clutching microphone stand, speaking her eyes showed a slice of her compasion. It fed the masses. It fed a rebellion. It also made him fall a little harder for her.

 “I thought you were gone,” Katniss muttered.

 “I’m here, Katniss, I’m always here.”

 “Always,” she affirmed looking into his eyes. He gasped at the whirling emotions in her eyes, right before her lips touched his.  

 That day they had a small victory, but Peeta vowed that he would never leave her alone to weather the storms because they were a team.

 The 5th Year Together:

 Peeta opened his eyes, his hands ungripped the back of the chair. He’d suffered another episode.  His body was weak, but at least he was able to weather another one.  Today was their fifth year anniversary since he came back home.

 Five arduous years where they had grown back together. Last night around midnight Katniss and he had finally made love and declared their love for one another. He was ecstatic but also panicked as this meant they were now an official couple. It also meant emotionally he was at his most vulnerable.

 What if she didn’t want him? What if he wasn’t good enough?

 “Peeta.” Her hands wrapped around his middle.

 He closed his eyes.

 “I still want you.”

 Her soft words, caused his beating heart to slow down. “Katniss why would you want a broken, one legged, burned man.”  Her hands slipped on top of his. Her darker ones contrasted with his paler ones. “You have every right to leave me, and find yourself a man who will value you.”

  She hugged him tighter, her face nuzzled his back. “You tried giving me the same speech during the Quarter Quell, and It didn’t work then and it’s not going to work now.”

 “Katniss,” he sighed heavily.

 “Peeta, I love you.” Her hands splayed on his chest. “I do not want another man, I just want you. When you came back that’s when I came back, went hunting, that’s when I mourned my sister. You were the only one who acknowledged that she…” Katniss paused her voice was thick with raw emotions. “Passed away.”

 Peeta turned her around and cupped her face. He recalled Katniss with her sister Primrose staring at the cakes in the display case. They were younger, but he recalled how the sun shone down on Prim’s golden hair and the love in Katniss eyes. He wanted to be loved like that.   “Prim helped me become un-hijacked. She was good and sweet. I’m sorry for her death. It was pointless.”

 Katniss had tears falling from her eyes, she nodded. Despite her sadness he saw a deep profound love displayed in her eyes.  “You understand me better than anyone else. You fought to come back to me. You calm the rage within me.”

 Peeta kissed her lips, they were soft, warm and they tasted like home. He was loved

 15th Year Together:

 Their laughter fills the air. Peeta’s little girl, with the twin braids that flap in the air as she runs. She’s laughing, stops and begins to dance. Her arms are spread wide as she leaps in the air and twirls in the tall grass of the meadows. His son’s blond head bobbing up and down as his chubby little legs run toward his sister. He’s just started to run. Katniss says he looks like Peeta but Peeta thinks he looks like his brothers.    

 Katniss is sitting underneath the tree, watching them, a picnic blanket spread around her.

 “Hey.” Peeta leaned in and pecked her on the lips before settling down besides her. He was glad to be out of the bakery. He wanted to enjoy his time with his family.

 “Hi, how was the bakery?”

 He rubbed his face, “You were right, Joey, was the reason for the shenanigans down at the bakery.”

 Katniss gave him an all knowing look.

 “I can’t put him on the rotation on a Saturday.”

 “He’s much too immature.” Katniss leaned forward and began fixing him a plate.

 “Do you remember how different it was for us at that age?”

 She sat back, a pensive look on her face, as she glanced at their children. Their little girl was making a crown of dandelions. His little boy was sitting yanking grass out of the dirt. Her fingers gripped the plate.

 “It’s going to be ok,” Peeta put his arm around her shoulders.

 “Peeta they’re playing on…”

 “I know, the remains of our past.” Off to the side of the meadow was a small plaque with all of the  names of the people that were lost to the bombings. The line of trees still has the long beams that once supported the electric fence.

 Peeta remembers a time when we went to bed in fear of reapings. Of being called to the games thinking it was the luckiest day of his life. He remembers lying by the bank of the river silently wishing he would die. Then thinking he was seeing an angel appear from the heavens knowing he was dying. The way she fought him hand and foot and brought him back to life. He fell for Katniss when she kissed him for real in that cave.

 He’d felt it, felt the moment she melted into his arms, and something more was happening between them. He never forgot that kiss or the one at the beach. Never forgot his brave girl, she was a woman now but he saw her lurking in the background of the fear that was in her eyes. “They will be alright, all of the arenas have been torn down. They are never going to have another Hunger Games.”

 Katniss nodded. She handed him the plate.

 “Come here,” Peeta took the plate and put it on the side. He opened his arms to her and she snuggled up to him. “We have each other, we’re a team you and I.” He could feel her relax. “Besides we have the book and when the time is right we’ll tell them about it.”

 He wasn’t scared of the past anymore. It had taken him a long time to heal. Seeing their first born child in his arms cured his worry about the fractured glass that was his past. His daughter and his son were his future. And if they had any questions they had the book, written in their own words and not in the words of others to explain what they went through.

 For now he was going to enjoy the angel in his arms and watch his children play in the meadow.