#but then midnights sucked me back in more consistently and it spiraled from there i think

[ilostyou]

personally i think getting shadowbanned would drive me to the point of certified insanity but it might forcefully drive me away from this hellsite which .. could be a positive thing

[sockablock]

made up fic title: either "a pirate's life for me" or "the philosopher's stone"?

A few years into their journeys across Wynandir, the Mighty Nein have gotten a bit smarter, a bit stronger, and a hell of a lot closer as a family. And, eventually, they decide to take a break in their adventures to just have about a year or so of downtime to themselves, to just chill. Fjord and Jester go back to the coast for a bit to visit Orly/Marion, Nott takes some time to send letters back to her home, Yasha goes off to do whatever it is that Yasha does, and Caduceus, Caleb, and Beauregard park up in Zadash and do some goddamn research at the Cobalt Soul. Cad on the state of the woods outside his family, Beau on getting real good at punching, Caleb on his whole “let’s bend reality because that’s a good plan” deal.

Unfortunately, he still hasn’t found anything concrete vis a vis the permanent turning-back of time, and anyways he’s starting to have second thoughts about that mission as it is. But what he does find, instead, scrawled into the margins of a chemistry book, is notes on something that the author refers to as “a Philosopher’s Stone.” And because Caleb’s an academic dipshit, with nothing better to do, he decides to just go ahead and make one, if anything to just practice his skills a bit.

It takes days. And then it takes weeks. And then it takes months. And then, finally, one day late into the year when the m9 have regrouped and they’re hanging out at the Leaky Tap just being their regular annoying selves, Caleb whips this random rock out and says “hey check out what I can do.”

And he demonstrates, rather excitedly, by turning an entire table into gold. And his friends say, “oh cool that’s neat,” and he says “no no you don’t understand it’ll be like this forever,” and his friends say, “haven’t you always been able to do this,” and Caleb says “what, no, that’s impossible” and his friends say, “but didn’t you just do it? how’s it impossible?” and a whole long lengthy explanation later, Caleb rolls his eyes and adds, “anyways, that’s not the only thing this rock can do.”

And they say, “oh shit what’s the other thing?”

Caleb takes them out to the back of the tavern, and they stand in the back alley for a while until Frumpkin manages to catch them a rat. And then caleb picks up the rat, holds it up into the air, taps it with the rock, and says, “bam, now the rat’s immortal.”

And there’s a long pause, and they’re all just staring at him, and they say, “well how do you know?” And caleb says, “what?” and they say “well how do you know it’s immortal? If we kill it, will it die?” and caleb says “no that’s not what immortal means” and they say “well then what’s the point” and then caleb says “you guys suck I’m going to bed.”

A few days pass, consisting of the gang ribbing Caleb, making him tap more mice to allegedly immortal-ize them, and abusing the shit out of the “turns stuff into gold” power of the stone. And Caleb isn’t actually upset, not really, because he loves his friends and he knows that they’re dipshits, but he is a little annoyed that he can’t really tell whether or not the immortality portion of the stone works or not. You know, in a purely academic sense.

And then, one night, as the gang’s all hanging out at the tavern, eating dinner and telling stories and getting ready to finally come out of their year-long break, there’s a strange noise. Like the sound of reality ripping at the seams. Then the sensation of weightlessness. And then a sudden, chilling, freezing blast of force, but not like an impact, more like if all the light and warmth and air and sound were being sucked away from the material plane into a vacuum of nothingness and void.

And then there’s a faint pop.

And the gang land.

It takes them a moment to gather their bearings. It takes them much longer to figure out where they are. Whatever this place is, wherever they’ve wound up, appears to be some kind of barren, empty wasteland, with skies of pure grey and a ground like black sand, occasional bone-white trees jutting out from the landscape, and odd, twisting, spiraling fog that drifts across the sunless horizon like the ghosts of living clouds. 

And then, eventually, it’s Caduceus who realizes. They’re not on Exandria anymore. This is the Shadowfell. The afterlife.

“But that can’t be right,” Jester says with a frown. “I thought the afterlife was supposed to be all nice. You know, with green grass and lots of candy and unicorns, and stuff.”

“I think you misunderstand me,” Caduceus sighs. “This is a very specific afterlife. The one made especially for people who violate the laws of the Raven Queen.”

“Laws?” Nott asks. “What sorts of laws are those?”

“Simple stuff,” Caduceus shrugs. “It’s actually pretty close to the Wildmother’s laws. Provide the dead with funerals so that their souls may move on from the mortal realm. Hold no pity for those who suffer and die. And, most of all, bring down those who try to cast off the…the chains…of…death.”

And then, as one, they all turn to Caleb.

There’s a heavy pause. And then he throws his arms up into the air.

“I told you it worked!” he shouts. “I knew it! I knew that I did everything right!”

Beau smacks him upside the head. “You fucker!” she yells. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“I can’t believe it,” Fjord sighs. “I can’t believe you’re a necromancer.”

Caleb straightens his coat out, and gives them all a sheepish shrug. “I was doing it in a purely academic sense,” he mutters. “And, anyways, I was only going to use the power on mice.”

Cue a chapters-long, shenanigans-filled, Mighty Nein style Misadventure, where the gang attempts to travel all the way to the center of the Shadowfell to find the City of Midnight, and seek audience with the Raven Queen to explain this hilarious misunderstanding. And along the way, they battle wights, ghosts, phantoms and ghouls, all while doing their best not to get lost, not to go crazy, and not to fall victim to a strange, shadowed force trailing them throughout the journey, that seems not only intent on reaping their souls, but also on figuring out just what the hell sort of people he’s pulled into his Lady’s domain…

—————–

send me a made-up fic title and i’ll tell you what i would write to go with it!