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mapsofnonexistentplacesremade · 2 years

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i loooove trainstory so much... was curious if there was like anything that inspired it or anything? i just luv the kinds of concepts ur introducing they feel so unique

SMILING this is very high praise… as blunt as i can put it trainstory is just a commixtion of Everything I Like because i quite literally started conceptualising it like “alright i’m gonna make a narrative that i can twist in any way i like and in ways that will cater to me in the highest degree” however i think i can name some things for like. individual facets

formatwise it was originally based on a dream i had like 2 years ago actually! of a very shitty video game interface that was segmented into squares with retro geometric badly-rendered textures and there was like a portrait of an unrememberable character in the corner and a huge box for text that scrolled. a few months ago i got both into like 90s/early 2000s online hypertext fiction and also ergodic literature and that kind of evened out ccs’ text heaviness and elusiveness into something solid i think… visually as an end product i also imagine it to be one of those classic mixed 2d-3d games with super gritty pixelated textures and really ugly but endearing character models and whatnot. dare i mention games like p.athologic and b.ad day on the midway as encapsulations of that vision. also a lot of visual inspiration comes from just going through the archive for the internet ray tracing competition theres good stuff in there

the first thing i figured out about trainstory settingwise was just that itd be on some eternal train ride in some way. that was mostly just because i wanted to write something set in a very closed space with a lot of room to develop a ‘community’ of characters. and also to examine isolation and how people cope differently about it… i specifically wanted to go for many characters finding solitude preferable and satisfactory because it’s an uncommon thing to see in media. i think i just chose a train because it seemed quaint… it was initially meant to be a space journey of sorts playing on the blend of sea/space exploration. this angle of it was heavily influenced by coheed and cambria’s afterman albums and from them the concept of the keywork, a random space structure housing a bunch of ghosts. this eventually lead to me kinda considering something more fantastical so i decided to make it more about weird dimension travel instead. i’ve always liked strange dereality-influenced structures in my stories hence the construction of the fornax reality. the sci fantasy angle just came in as a natural evolution of this i think, i was just very fascinated by the idea of allegorising magic to code. there’s lots to say here but it’s mostly a mix of me wanting to do anachronistic close-to-earth-times technological fantasy and me just thinking up conceptually funny things to incorporate into the setting whenever i could

characters themselves have so many individual references it’d be like unwieldy to mention them all here. but the common thread between them is weird autism and brainweird that mostly stems from my own behavior LOL i got sick of not having characters who struggled with expressing and naming emotions and had the capacity to be overly angry and mean… huge part of ccs is also just miscommunication out of characters making assumptions and crafting narratives and having grudges and like. i focus on these kinds of nuances under a kind of sympathetic lens as these characters learn to progress and collaborate with one another. the sympathy is very important

a lot of characters also came from me melding different characters i liked and whatnot. like freya is a distilled version of “weird girl with godly powers who can be rude and self-righteous to the detriment of herself and others around her” which is probably my fucking favorite niche character archetype of all time. or isel as “absolute failure of a man using word of mouth to present himself as something grandiose and important” or peixin as “guy tortured by fucking visions”. sometimes it’s even more niche like valerie was just based on various fighting game girls i found cool and i was like alright what if she was a vampire too. a lot of characters were also inspired by specific songs and albums but uhhhh that’s delving into playlist talk which will unleash so much autism in me.

#i’ve wanted to do a more in depth examination of how ccs came to be (that was planned as an anniversary thing but the summary ate up my time #-_-) and i want to set to work on it soon! but for now #ccsimulacrum #ccs.text #long post #sorry to everyone i’m on mobile and can’t throw up a readmore

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rise-my-angel · 5 months

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The funniest thing about hating Rhaegar is his stans assuming we love Robert and then they begin arguing how he was an abuser and a pos as if we don't know lol. Hating Rhaegar and Robert is not mutually exclusive. It reminds me of takes like if you love Jon, how can you love Catelyn? 🤦🤦 People need to stop living through characters I beg. Liking/disliking certain characters based on who your favorite character likes/dislikes is NOT normal behaviour.

The amount of Rhaegar stans who jump on you like OH YOU LOVE ROBERT HUH like okay lets take it back friends and show me where we said that.

Now, I am a bit biased because I do rather like the Baratheons in general but I am the first to pick those grown ass men up by the scruff of their necks and hold them up over a cliffs edge telling them that they're asses are gonna get dropped into the sea unless they smarten up.

Like yes Rhaegar stans, Robert is a piece of shit. But the reasons Lyanna did not want to marry him was because he was a womanizer whom already had bastards and she knew he was not a man who would be faithful or respectful to her. (My personal headcanon is that Lyanna was not interested in marriage at all but thats only my personal speculation).

Robert didn't even mistreat her, because he did not know her. She didn't want to marry him because she knew, she as a wife, was in for a life of a husband prone to massive infidelity, something any reasonable 14-15 year old girl would object to. And we have no way of knowing if he would have mistreated her the way he does Cersei. How he treats Cersei is absoutely horrible and abusive, but the circumstances of their marriage DO play a part in the manner which they mutually mistreat each other in different ways. Theres no real evidence that Robert would treat Lyanna as horribly, we can only say for sure, he would have been insultingly unfaithful and Lyanna would have at the least still been miserable.

So their assumption that Lyannas life with Robert would've looked just like Cersei's is wrong. Cersei's life also is played due in part that most of her family do not care about her well being. She was mistreated and miserable and no one cared. Lyannas family all cared about her deeply. The Starks are all very close and protective, so the idea that Ned would stand by and allow Robert to treat his SISTER that way is to say Ned views Cersei exactly in the same level of respect he does his little sister, which is wrong.

In Lyanna vs Robert in Neds eyes, Lyanna wins. We know this. He keeps Lyannas secret from Robert half their lives which could be a secret considered treason. Ned chooses Lyanna, and would not actualy let her be treated by Robert the way he sees Robert treat Cersei. Also by the time Ned sees the extent of his marriage to Cersei it is far too late to intervene meaningfully and thus he does nothing because by this point there is nothing he can do.

In fact, Ned while still going to tell Robert the truth, extends mercy to Cersei and all but begs her to take her children and run as far away from Robert as they can. Ned defies Robert by telling Cersei to spare her and her childrens lives by running before it's too late. Something which again, could be considered treason once Robert knows the truth.

Robert has MANY problems, and ironically, the show is actually the version of the story that handles this better. Robert in the show is still not a good person, but he has so much more layers and nuance to make him less black and white unlikable. This version of Robert you can actually understand what about him does Ned like and why other people still care about him. Its a rare example of an adaptation improving something from the books.

But Book Robert just sucks. We all know that. He sucks. No one likes Book Robert not even Baratheon fans like me.

But because Rhaegar stans depend on Rhaeyla for their characterization of Lyanna, they can ONLY imagine an opposite where it is Robert and Lyanna because their views of her depend on her in a romance. They don't see her as an individual character who probably wanted nothing to do with either Robert or Rhaegar.

In my personal opinion, Lyanna did not want to marry any man, and probably hadn't even considered if she wanted children. Since the earliest we know anything substantial of her is the Knight of the Laughing Tree, which is a story that tells me shes still just an adventurous girl who wants to see what the more exciting parts of life can offer her. And while dreading one marriage, she was kidnapped and forced into an even worse scenario with an even worse man and died because of it.

Like, at the very least, Roberts side of the war was partially fighting to save her life. Rhaegar fought the side of the war that led her trapped on the other side of the country, almost dying alone in a bed of her own blood.

There no nuance here with these people. They don't see Lyanna outside of Rhaelya and thus they are obsessed with proving that Robert was worse then him even though most discussions about Lyanna have nothing to do with Robert in the first place.

But to be clear, Rhaegar is worse then Robert. They both suck, but Rhaegar is still worse because at least Robert never kidnapped and raped a 15 year old girl which started a war and ended in her death.

The only reason its easier to dunk on Robert is because he was still alive when we met him at the start of the series. A lot easier to shit on a character when we directly followed their actions before they died.

#the jon and catelyn thing is so funny like the brainrot #its either your with me or your my enemy but unironically #i can love and defend catelyn and still call her emotionally abusive towards jon #they can and do co exist #rhaegar can suck and so can robert #targ stans so badly want this fandom to act like fucking twilight #team rhaegar or team robert sort of nonsense #me not tagging it cus honestly im just scared of targ stans at this point like yall win im not tagging anymore #you wanna get mad at me come check my blog directly

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spopcatradora · 5 years

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something i like a lot abt spop is all the parallels between characters and how it leads to a very nuanced handling of its conflicts, because it shows that a lot of things aren’t inherently good or bad, and the different ways a specific situation can develop (a good example is how both glimmer and shadow weaver have this whole “i see myself in you” moment with frosta/catra, and it’s shown how easy it is for it to devolve into something toxic when you project your own shortcomings onto someone else, but how it can also help you empathize with and help someone). and it has so many possible connections between characters, like scorpia and sea hawk bonding over feeling left out; i dont think anyone could´ve seen that coming before that ep, but it works so well!

especially the parallels with the best friend squad and the horde trio (idk if they have a name lmao but entrapta, catra, and scorpia). and like yea theres the obvious glimmer-catra, adora-scorpia, entrapta-bow, but outside of that i find the similarities between bow and scorpia (both very very caring and loyal, both the voice of reason in their groups (altho scorpia to a much lesser extent), both seemingly very trusting and even naive), and glimmer and scorpia (both jealous and slightly possessive, both willing to go to great lengths to defend those they care about, both easily feeling underappreciated) very interesting too

#spop #spop meta #but very slightly bc i didnt wanna make this too long lmao #she ra #and theres More like how adora and entrapta started out on opposite sides and r both 'traitors'#or the (also kinda obvious) comparisons u can make between catra and adora #but what interests me the most is bow and scorpia!! they would get along so well #if they werent on opposing sides #theyre both so so friendly and sweet #id love to see them interact if/when scorpia is redeemed

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faunusrights · 5 years

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OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 15

IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY LOSES THEIR SHIT ON MAIN:

“Tell her I said: fuck you, you miserable, conniving bitch. I don’t answer her summons. I don’t obey her orders. I’m through. I’m through with her, with all of you—”

THERE’S LORE, BUT IMPORTANTLY MURPHY REMEMBERS WHY THEY THINK CINDER’S HOT. LITERALLY.

already??? already??? yes, already. this chapter is called ‘nothing personal’ anmd i think that this is a lie. this is abt to get very personal very quickly.

It had taken two more days for Glynda’s soul to become bearable enough for Cinder to sit next to her on a bus.

out of the funniest lines they could have used to open the chapter up, this is just Peak. there’s so many moving parts to this. glynda’s rank soul. cinder having to be nice for TWO DAYS to make her chill out. the fact they’re taking the most menial form of transport of all time. oh my god they were sat beside each other. this is already so funny.

Gravity Dust glittered like volcanic glass.

👈😎👈 we sure love volcanoes around here huh

The clearing Cinder found was some twenty minutes from where she left Glynda with instructions for something salty for her.

im almost POSITIVE im not supposed to find these lines funny but cinder you are RADIATING salt you are COMPOSED ENTIRELY of salt please. you’ve asked for smthng salty and glynda’s gonna come back announcing she’s foiled all yr plans on accident again.

Mercury had stopped sending messages a month and a half ago. Emerald’s last one was a week old.

im almost definitely mentioned it in a prior liveblog but its worth remembering: cinder’s relationship w/ merc and em rly was the deciding factor in me suddenly loving her as a character and i just. every interaction they have hurts so good. cinders got TWO kids and even if her face says otherwise she loves them very much and that heals me on the inside

“There’s no way anyone knows about this island. We’re the only ones out here. Merc and I have to get his shitty frozen pizzas airshipped in.”

“Still. Be careful.” She paused for a moment. “...Is that all he’s eating?”

“You know he’d die before he ate a vegetable.”

“He will, at this rate.”

I LOVE U MOMMA CINDER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA this is SO good. this section HEALS ME!!!!!!!! which is good because i have a feeling the rest of this will gore me alive

"I promise. At the end of all of this, I'm coming back and I'm not leaving again. Trust me."

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA god u cant tell thru text alone but this section is K I L L I N G me and H E A L I N G me and also KIL L I

“It doesn’t have anything to do with trust,” Cinder said, miserably. “I need you to be safe.”

N G M E

The line between us and them had felt so concrete.

god i just. theres so much i still cant say that isnt 👈👈👈😨👈👈👈 but cinder and hati and all this other STUFF happening in the bg is so good and i just love how nuanced this dumbass is. cinder fall, the woman who never wins, and her brief moments of comfort. she is my ANGEEEEEEEEEEL

Now the only thing left was to deliver her to Atlas; if she had to speak with her more to do that, she would.

Not that she wanted to have to admit that to Hati.

cinder:there’s a lot of we and our going on and i’m a little nervous that the more we talk the more thats gonna happen and i gotta say; not a fan.

and [Glynda]’s desperate for—”

A heritage? A purpose? Belonging?

“She’s desperate,” Cinder finished, softly. Then: “She’s coming willingly.”

this might be another 👈😎👈 situation or im just drawing parallels like a three year old with a newfound ruler but HRM. CINDER. HRM.

Rather, her stomach twisted at the implications. Everything was ready. The machine worked. All that was left was to deliver the final piece.

“Okay. Good.” It was good. It was the culmination of years of work.

whats good and fun is watching cinder wrestle w/ her own humanity and its rly good because even as she tries her very best to use ppl to her own ends that pesky lil soft bitch inside makes her second guess everything and its GREAT fun. u can rly see that as soon as she spends longer than an allotted 10 minutes w/ somebody she starts being like ‘hrm. oh no’. oh cinder. u soft bitch. ilu.

The spot beneath his wing, though… Cinder folded into it as though it were meant for her, as though they were meant for each other, bodies fitted so easily. Here, safe, she closed her eyes and dreamed bleakly of the days to come.

i swear to god i cannot wait until [redacted] and [redacted] and [REDACTED] happens cause then i can lose my shit abt this ALL OVER AGAIN but for now. for now. immerse myself in cinder cuddles. im holding back but on the inside im feral

but Cinder was all calm, sliding through the trees like she belonged here. Like it was her domain by birthright.

FERAL.... FERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because they were not friends, Glynda asked, “Where are we going?”

i love that glynda has to preface it like a reminder. because they were not friends. because she cannot trust winter. because she blocked oz’s number lmao. it’s great seeing how much more... clinical, i guess, glynda’s thoughts are, and it’s a great way to show the narratives differences? its GOOD is what im trying 2 say on main,

Instead, she complained, “It’s so difficult to be so wanted.”

firstly: i love cinder “i have a complaint” fall is secondly: i am going to read into this. i am going to read into this and divine a second meaning. i am reading into it.

Cinder emerged from the dark like a leviathan sloughing off a sunless sea. It rippled around her shoulders, swallowed the back of her skull, but the only sharpness to her was her smile. It was the first time Cinder had smiled since returning from her meeting with the Manticore.

oho. ohoohohohoooohohohooOUGHHOHOHO she hot. nasty mean lady big hott.

“You don’t scare me,” Glynda insisted.

“Silly you,” said Cinder. “Come on. I’ll lead.”

hohogughgohohoghgh f flirtign.......................,,,,,,,,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.

a faint light was stirring to life before her—suffusing out along Cinder’s chest and throat, spilling from her heart and out through her skin. In the beginning, it was so faint it seemed to be an illusion; but no, soon enough it was undeniable, and Glynda could even make out the rough shapes of the wall and floor.

YEEEEEEEEES i love. glowy lantern cinder. like theres a lot of fun little canons abt cinder in this fic i adore but the fact that she glows is like fuckin TOP. look at her. lil candle baby. shes like a microwave bean toy. i adore her.

She walked like a queen through her domain, seemingly irrespective of where on Remnant they were; even here, underground, in forgotten left-behind places, Cinder reigned.

god im sorry im too busy being gay to even be paying attention to anything rn i LOVE cinder to DEATH,,,,,,,,,, she knows shes the thing 2 be feared around here and its so good. i cant wait for her to open her big mouth and fuck it up again!!!

“High Leader Khan requires your presence in Mistral, Ms. Fall. She advises that you attend promptly, in order to discuss the missing members of our organization.”

A hum. Cinder said, “I don’t want to.”

GHSDFGSDFGHKJDF cinder you are. smthng else. shes just so LIKE THAT. what a great chapter for cinder this has been im SIPPIN baby

okay im doing a lot of leaping haead here and its not for lack of having anything 2 say in fact its QUITE the opposite because this whole bit is. wow. we got lore??? lore??? abt so many things??? what does any of it mean????? I AM NOT SURE BUT IM LOVIN IT (tm)

“It’s not a Semblance, idiot.” The control in Cinder’s voice was all staccato, pitching cold to inferno in an instant. “It was a gift.

okay bear with me for this JUICY LORE but i am Deeply fascinated by this section. im not gonna. say anything because idk how this is tying up yet (bear with) but HOO. HOOOOOOO. im trying to like keep grabbing sections but this whole part is SO GOOD i am loving-- like-- id have to-- TRUST ME THE OG WASNT AS SPICY AS THIS OKAY

THIS IS SO MUCH SPICER AND ITS GOOD

Cinder glowed like the magma heart of a volcano.

ITS SPICY ITS GOOD ITS 👈😍👈

im gonna have to reread this bit to get the full effect because the downside of a liveblog like this is having to stop-start but OUGHGHGHGUGHUGH THE LORE,,, THE MASKS,,, THE FANG??? also sienna dont listen 2 her baby i love u too

Cinder looked like a line to be crossed, and even though they weren’t friends—rather the opposite—Glynda found she didn’t want to cross her. Not now, when the emotion was still raw on her face.

oughgh... the vulnerability. cinder... snoft... but also angery 😔

this was SUCH a good chapter im DYING i love cinder in offal hunt to BITS and this arc is already feeding me so much good shit. fuck yea. FUCK YEA. HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

#rwby #offal hunt #liveblog #welcome to the cinder fall defence squad how may i take yr order

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expfcultragreen · 4 years

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But yknow what ydont need capitalism for? The good stuff. Hanging out not getting into other peoples business, noodlin around craftworking, making sure theres food and a roof by farming/foraging and roofing for part of your time...smoking and growing acres of weed everywhere for everyones many hemp and mj related needs...doing twinkly lights festivals with streetfood carts and whatnot...hottubbing...listening to birds...lurid sexual voyages of the mind...working out engineering solutions in collective jamsessions...whatever floats yer kierkegaardian reason for living or whatever so long as its not hurting anyone

Now we continue the pointless jelly-shooting attempts at figuring out who IS hurting who and which hurts are the priority issue, like the "legalities" of it are a worthwhile distraction from moving on and living better collectively and interconnectively by just, bein easygoin back and forth and taking the sea of each situation as everchanging and of unknowable depths of nuance, fathoms to survey

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booksandchainmail · 7 years

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banner redesign, aka whats new in queer girl genre ya!

Its been a good late winter/spring/early summer for scifi/fantasy ya with queer girl protagonists! Five novels plus a novella that I’m counting for this because i am willing to stretch any and all self-imposed categories to their limits in order to have more books. In personal order of enjoyment, they are:

The Edge of the Abyss: the sequel to TASU, which is one of my all time top yasffqfp books. This really followed up on the (spoilery) situation established by the first, and elaborated on how the pirate society works. The increase in pirates and sea monsters was appreciated, the romance was compelling, the morality was gray and nuanced. I honestly can’t say much about this without spoiling the first book, so I’ll just say that it’s a worthy sequel and brilliant book in its own right.

Dreadnought: superhero story! The third ever queer ya superhero novel, the second with a female protagonist, and the first with a trans protagonist. The superpowers were well done, even those that could have been overpowered. The world was also interesting, with the gap between the official superhero team and street level vigilantes. The book also was split nicely between character development, personal challenges, detective-work/worldbuilding, and big action scenes. A lot of the story deals with the transmisogyny the protagonist faces, and the lack of support she is given, so it can be hard to read at times, but the narrative fully supports Danny standing up for herself/finding freedom and safety, and theres a happy ending with hints of f/f romance and a sequel on the way. One of the major themes of the novel was that you are entirely justified in setting boundaries and standing up for yourself, even when it’s not convenient for others, which was nice to read. By no means a fluffy/feelgood read, but an excellent book with a compelling protagonist and character arc.

Down Among the Sticks and Bones: where to even start. This is a companion to Every Heart a Doorway, and can be read in either order, though they both spoil each other. I went in knowing the basic plot and how it would end, but it still blew me away. The whole book is sort of tragedy-horror, and the way the emotionally abusive and neglectful environment the protagonists grow up in is presented as a horror story is chilling, as is the later vampire. The writing is absolutely amazing, and both the worlds are portrayed beautifully. This book has one of my all-time favorite mad scientist portrayals (which is a weirdly large category for me). The only reason this isn’t higher on the list is because it’s a novella rather than full novel, and because the f/f romance doesn’t end happily, though it’s rather open-ended, especially if you’ve read EHaD. An incredible coming-of-age story with a bi protagonist with OCD (both #OwnVoices) that expands perfectly on both the characters of Jack and Jill and the worldbuilding of EHaD.

Island of Exiles: A well done deathworld complete with cultlike religion, universal military training, lots of weaponry, exciting fauna, and destructive weather. Surprisingly for a ya novel, the main character’s stated primary motivation being her brother wasn’t dropped the minute the love interest stepped on page. A genuinely mysterious mystery, consistently likeable and engaging characters, plot twists i didn’t see coming, a male love interest I didn’t hate: all bars that most ya novels dont meet. The central romance is m/f, but the protagonist is canonically bi (though I would have appreciated it being mentioned a bit more, as it ended up being the literary equivalent of blink and youll miss it), and the fantasy society assumes bisexuality as default, has three genders (with major nb supporting characters, and recognizes and accepts ace/aro people, so in general good rep, and a fun and compelling read.

The Cursed Queen: This is a companion to the following books, and can be read independently, though it spoils some parts of its predecessor. A solid f/f romance with plenty of character development as the protagonist has to reconcile truths about her love interest, her culture, and herself. If you ever wanting lesbian/bi fantasy!vikings they’re here, as well as an examination of the morality of raiding cultures and conquest, plus reflection on the position of those adopted into a violently dominating culture. Even as the protagonist made bad choices, it was always clear how she was coming at them from a very different worldview than the readers. The world building and magic system remains solid, the morality is interesting, and the only reason this isn’t higher is because this was an exceptionally strong season.

The Imposter Queen: It was a hard call putting this last, but in the end the world of this series engaged me less than the others, and I felt the plot dragged a little in this. Objectively, this is probably a stronger novel than its companion, but the main romance is m/f, which brought it down a bit. That being said, it’s very clear that the protagonist is bi, and she gets to talk about her sexuality and have it be respected. The magic system was interesting, and the whole novel worked as a sort of anti-chosen one story, and showed the damage that not being selected for something you’ve worked all your life for can do. One of my favorite things about this series is that the protagonists are given time to feel and process trauma, which is rare in ya.

Still have to get my hands on a few other new-ish releases, but then there’s at least one more yasffqfp coming out this summer, plus several more in the fall, and several more due sequels in the next year or so, so things are looking good!

#yasffqfp #my reading

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raisingawarenesserasingstigmas · 7 years

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A New Hope: My Best Friend, Bipolar Disorder

This post originally appeared here.

Hi. I am Laila. I am 29 years old. I have survived a military coup in my birth country, the raid of Afghanistan during the War on Terror and living as a Muslim woman in post 9/11 Australia. I have been published multiple times, produced Burlesque Shows in Perth in the mid 2000s, been in a documentary about Islamic Feminism, had my play about Queer Muslims produced at The Blue Room Theatre and am currently finishing a degree in Criminology and Counter Terrorism.

I also have Type 2 Bipolar Disorder. And my illness and I, we are learning to be friends. Because Carrie Fisher told us we should.

. . I know. I make no sense. But I will. Eventually. . .

I was first diagnosed with this Type 2 Bipolar Disorder in my second year of Law School when a professor (who himself had Bipolar Disorder) helped me seek professional help. He recognised my erratic attendance and ability to survive a semester on next to no sleep as symptomatic of the manic highs and depressive lows of the same illness that plagued him as a teenager. In 2007, at the risk of being expelled from University for failure to attend all 4 of my examinations in Semester 1, I attended a session with a Clinical Psychiatrist at Joondalup Mental Health.

What followed was a diagnosis that shook my life to its foundations. It was almost as if, over the course of my diagnosis, my actions, behaviours, and thoughts were no longer my own. Rather, they were symptomatic of a series of behaviour patterns associated with my illness. Suddenly everything, from my sleep patterns to my personality traits became the product of a condition that is still widely misunderstood.

And the worst part of all was that it was for keeps.

Life with Bipolar Disorder can only be described as erratic. We seem to live by a different calendar, with the year punctuated by cycles of highs and lows instead of weeks and months. That play i wrote? That was x cycles ago. That time i drank a bottle of sailor jerry rum to myself? That was 6 cycles ago. How long is a cycle? Who the fuck knows anymore. When is the next low coming? Always too soon. Just when I think I have grasped my behaviours, i surprise myself again. And again.

And again.

There are the manic highs where I cannot sleep for days, where every idea is genius, where I start diets and fitness routines and writing projects. Then there are depressive lows where I cannot stay awake, when my shoulders are stiff and my body hurts. Where getting up, showering and leaving the house gives me anxiety. My mind becomes a place so dark, and bone-crushingly cramped I feel like a human black hole. If you have depression you know what i mean…

And yet, somehow, at the age of 29, I managed to carve out a life between the crests and the troughs. Somehow I woke up and realised I had made it past my teens and early twenties despite God knows how many attempts to wipe myself off the face of the Earth. Somehow, against odds, I am standing with my back to the threshold of 2017, waving at my 2007 self.

“You made it!” I yell at myself across the years of near misses. “You’re going to be 30 and you’re finally really happy”.

I wish 2007 me could hear me now.

You see…the way Bipolar Disorder was explained to me in 2007 was like it was a curse. You have this…THING…that’s going to make you fuck up your life so monumentally that you will never ever have the stability you need to recover. Your illness will become a self fulfilling prophecy. And the only thing you could do was make do.

And that’s what gets me.

Why the fuck have we set neurotypical achievements as the bar that people with mental illness have to attain? Why is it that we are sold this illness as an unmanageable curse.

What about all the things my illness has enabled me to do? There are some failures in the bipolar bucket but theres so many success stories too. And why am I only the product of my success stories? In my mother’s words, “There are no failures. Only lessons.”

I spent most of my twenties in relationships and friendships where I had to explain my “sadness” and “happiness” to people. I was made to feel like less than adult because of my inability to live my life by a calendar year. In this sea of explanations I forgot to understand the relationship between me and my Bipolar disorder.

It’s only after 2 beautiful years of being loved by someone unconditionally that I have managed to love myself and give myself the time and understanding I needed to make peace with my Bipolar Disorder.

This brings me to Carrie Fisher

Unlike most people, my first exposure to her wasn’t through her role as Princess Leia from Star Wars. It was through her appearance in The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive with Stephen Fry for the BBC.

You can see a clip of her discussion with Mr Fry here

She was the first person who was able to put into words what I experienced on a regular basis. Carrie often said that her drug use was a form of self-medication, using pain medication such as Percodan to “dial down” the manic aspect of her bipolar disorder.

I appreciated Carrie’s candour in a world that tends to throw the term “bipolar” around as a synonym for unreliable (Katy Perry, Miley cyrus et al, I am staring dagger at your shitty songs) and without engaging in serious discussion about living with this condition.

I don’t want the conversations about Bipolar disorder to stop just because Carrie is no longer here to voice concerns. I don’t want to pretend that living with Bipolar Disorder is black and white (all puns and intended). I want to have nuanced discussions about this condition that affects one in fifty Australians.

I want me and my Bipolar Disorder to get along and maybe even be friends one day. But in order to do that, we need to get better aquainted with each other without being shamed for it or for my Bipolar Disorder to be framed as a burden instead of a manageable illness.

I leave you with something Carrie Fisher wrote about living with Bipolar Disorder to a young man who had just been diagnosed with the illness. I wish I had this said to me ten years ago but I hope sharing it on my blog means someone else will get to see it:

“We have been given a challenging illness, and there is no other option than to meet those challenges. Think of it as an opportunity to be heroic – not “I survived living in Mosul during an attack” heroic, but an emotional survival. An opportunity to be a good example to others who might share our disorder. That’s why it’s important to find a community – however small – of other bipolar people to share experiences and find comfort in the similarities.“

-Carrie Fisher.

Remember that you are not alone in your struggle and that talking to someone about it is the first step to navigating your life with Bipolar Disorder. May the force be with you, dear reader. Love and suppport always. Xx

Laila Shalimar

If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health issues please get in touch with Lifeline by calling

13 11 14 or visitng

https://www.lifeline.org.au

Other resources: Black Dog Institute: treatment fact sheet

Articles, Research and Fact sheets on Bipolar Disorder:

#midcenturymermaid #bipolar #Mentalhealth #womenhealth

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Best of CES 2017: The Shows 10 Sharpest Designs

For a design lover, CES can be a—how should we put this—challenging experience. Several hundred vendors from around the world fill not one, but two convention centers on the Las Vegas Strip with every gadget you can imagine—and a few you cant. (Like, say, a dental floss dispenser with a microchip. Seriously.) The sheer quantity of stuff on show can make the search for compelling designs feel like hunting for an affordable cocktail at the Venetian. And yet, if you can look beyond the hoard of bright, plastic wearables, theres some legitimately smart designs to be found. Here are the 10 most intriguing products from this year’s show.

Sevenhugs Smart Remote

With its new Smart Remote, Sevenhugs makes a cogentcase for universal remotes. The gadget connects to a proprietary indoor positioning system that triangulates not only its location in space, but which of more than 25,000 connected devices it’s pointing at.Aim it at a lamp and it might pull up Hues app interface. Point it at your TV, and Roku’s UI will appear. That kind ofcontextual awareness could make a fragmented smarthome experience feel more simple and unified—and a little more like home.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Neonode AirBar

Using your laptop usually means youre doing one of two things: Clicking a mouse or typing on a keyboard. Now, with the AirBar, you have another choice. The sleek gadget from Neonode attaches to the base of the 13-inch MacBook Air and emits an invisible light field over the screen, turning your laptop into a giant touchscreen. You can tap, swipe, pinch, and zoom like you would on your phone or tablet, all for a fraction of the price of a new device.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Lenovo Smart Home Assistant

Functionally, Lenovo’snew Smart Home Assistant is a carbon copy of the Amazon Echo. It uses Alexas cloud-based voice services to do things like play music, conduct web searches, and order more toilet paper. Its distinguishing feature:Looks. Lenovo’s three colorful speaker grills give it a serious leg up over Amazon’sstoic black cylinder.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Roli Blocks Lightpad

Roli, the company behind the multitouchSeaboard Rise keyboard, is back with a new and equally intriguing instrument. The Blocks Lightpad is a modular synth system that snaps together via magnets into a variety of configuration. But where it really shines is in its responsive pressure-sensitive controls, which translate the nuances of human touch into music in ways a knob never could.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

LG’s OLED W7 Television

Theambition du jour in the perennial arms race between television manufacturersis makingTVs as thin as possible. Case in point: LG’s OLED W7. The company stuck the TV’s guts inside an external sound bar, which lets the 65-inch, 18-pound, 3.85-millimeter-deep displayrest against the wall like a poster. Its svelte form factor will make it a seamlesscenterpiece to any living room, but its also easy toenvision unobtrusivedisplays like this onemigratingto walls outside the home.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Lego Boost

WIRED loves Lego. And for good reason. Since its inception in 1932, the Danish company has built is reputation on making a toy so simple, so intuitive, that anyone can use it. With its new Boost kit, Lego builds on that legacy by givingits toys a little more functionality. Boost lets kids program their creations to walk, roll, flash, and make noise via an app that uses a drag and drop coding language. In a sea of teach-kids-to-code toys, Boost has the biggest advantage of all: Its actually really fun to play with.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Tanvas

The major shortcoming of a touchscreen is that its a screenflat, glassy, cold. Tanvas is a new technology that imbues displayswith haptics to simulate how the things you see on screen feels in thereal world. As Tanvas explains it, all the magic happens between your fingers and the screen. Using electrostatic fields to create friction, the company can simulate different textures like choppy, grainy, fine, and wavy,transforming a touchscreen from something you simply touch into something you can actually feel.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Netatmo Healthy Home Coach

Air quality monitors are like fitness trackers for your home—and, like fitness trackers, everyone seems to be making one. The good looks of Netatmos Healthy Home Coach help set it apart. The bronzed cylindrical monitor tracks air quality, noise, temperature, and humidity, and sends that information to an app that helps you make sense of whats happening in your house—but wed be lying if we said this device is on this list because of what it can do. Lots of connected gadgets are proving themselves increasingly useful in the home—a big challenge, going forward, will be achieving a distinctive yet appealing look. Netatmo’s Home Coach wins markson both points.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Kuri Robot

Our homes are full of robots that dont look like robots. They play music, order groceries, and keep watch when no ones home. Mayfields Kuri isnt one of those robots. The diminutive bot (its 20 inches tall) looks straight out of a cartoon. It has big blinking eyes and sounds like the Sesame Street version of R2-D2. Its freaking adorable, and thats why its so interesting. Instead of hiding its purpose behind an ambiguously techy design, Kuri fully embraces its role as your robot pet. Whether not you need a bot to take care of menial household tasks isnt the point—this things so cute youre going to want it to.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED

Sony LSPx-s1

Sonys new candlelight speaker isnt the best of either category. You can find better lamps and better Bluetooth speakers, probably for half the price. But combining the two isjust unexpected enough to make the product charmingly unique. Sony housed a dim-able LED inside a glass tube and stuck it atop a 360 degree speaker. The result is a minimalist hybrid product that pulls double duty as a maker of vibes.

Credit: Amy Lombard for WIRED