#but why is ellie wiping out abby’s friends not the same as abby doing what she did??

[villanelleskiss]

if you have a problem with abby, you have a problem with me personally

[chachkayes]

Sweet Relief - Mer x Hayes

Okay so this fic was based off a very short, misspelled fic outline that I wrote while I was half-awake after having a dream about Merhayes, only to be woken up to the sound of my cat crying. The outline itself was maybe 300 words long, if that. The full fic is about 2100 words - so honestly good on sleepy me for coming up with such an in depth fic idea. Enjoy :)

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The beach. It was where Meredith had escaped to when Derek had died, and it had become her solace with Derek while she was dying. Derek knew that as much as he wanted to be with the love of his life again, that he’d have to wait a while longer before finally getting to embrace her again. It wasn’t her time to go yet. Meredith was able to get closer to him as she got closer to crossing the threshold between life and death – and they were the point where they were able to sit beside each other on the beach, close enough so they didn’t have to yell to hear each other, but not close enough to the point where they could touch each other.

“Meredith.” Derek said after a long period of silence. Meredith looked over at her husband, the most content she’d felt in a very long time. “Meredith – you can’t stay here.” He finally told her. “As much as I love you and being able to see you – it’s not your time. The kids need you. Zola and Bailey are old enough now to remember how it’ll feel to lose their mom. Zola remembers losing me and she already has trust issues. Can you imagine what losing you would do to her? And Ellis – I never got to meet her. All she knows is you. She can’t lose you and not remember you as she grows up.” Meredith looked away from Derek as a tear fell down her cheek. “Hell, Meredith, Amelia needs you. She is barely holding it together as it is – her sobriety will be severely compromised if she has to tell her nieces and nephew that momma isn’t coming home. She needs you for advice and help with Scout. You need to see your nephew grow up, Mer.” Meredith stared at the sunset, trying to enjoy the peaceful waves hitting her feet. “And Maggie? She’s been losing more COVID patients than not. She is breaking down every time she talks to her boyfriend about how scared she is of losing you. You are the one person she trusts most in this world since losing her mom. She just lost Sabie too – if you die, if you cross the threshold and get to me, she might not survive it.”

Derek sighed as the water splashed against his feet. He knew that Meredith wasn’t fully listening to a word he said. “Cormac Hayes. That name sound familiar?” He finally said after contemplating how he’d get Meredith’s attention enough to convince her to live. It worked – Meredith’s head whipped around and her eyes met Derek’s. “How… what? What does he have to do with this?” Derek laughed. “I’m always with you Meredith, watching over you and our kids. I know who he is.” Meredith sighed and looked down at her feet. “He has everything to do with this. He’s a good man who cares about you more than he’s willing to admit to you or himself. He’s the one who saved your life. God, I wish you could’ve seen how quickly he came to your aide when he realized you’d collapsed. Heard how upset and distraught he was.” Meredith was listening to every word Derek had to say. “He’s one of my best friends there now.” She spoke up. “I know. I also know that if you die, Meredith, he will never believe in love again. He’s constantly finding ways to get updates on you. He sits in your room and asks his wife to keep you alive.” Tears were rolling down Meredith’s face and Derek wanted nothing more than to reach out and wipe them away. “Your death would fundamentally change the person he’s become. The people that Amelia, Maggie, Bailey, Richard have become. It’s not that I don’t want you to stay. I have missed being with you more than you could imagine. But you can’t stay here, it’s not your time. You’re too needed elsewhere.”

Finally, Meredith stood up, and Derek did the same. They faced each other, and Meredith took in every feature on Derek’s face. “I love you.” She finally said. “I love you too. And I’m always by your side, watching over you. But listen to me carefully – I don’t want you to be alone when you go back. Be with someone who you feel safe with, someone who will love you unconditionally, who will always choose you over everything and everyone else, and who knows and understands you fundamentally. You deserve to be happy. You and the kids deserve some stability.” Meredith began to walk backwards towards her starting point. “I’m going to miss you.” She said to Derek as more tears rolled down her face. “I know. But I’m always just a dream away.” He blew her a kiss and she finally turned around, walking faster to the log. One last time, before sitting down and waking up again, she looked to Derek. He was waving goodbye to her. “I love you!” She yelled. “I love you too!” He yelled back, and she finally sat down, heading back to her earthly body.

Teddy Altman and Andrew DeLuca stood outside Meredith’s window. It’d been a week since she’d fallen asleep and became unresponsive – making it 11 days since she’d first been admitted into the hospital. Her lungs weren’t getting worse, but she was showing no signs of getting better either. That’s why, when Meredith Grey moved her hand and slowly opened her eyes, Teddy Altman and Andrew DeLuca ran into Meredith’s room and immediately started trying to get her to wake up fully. They spoke loudly and grabbed O2 masks, restraining her as she fought back. “Get… off of me.” Meredith said as she wrestled with whoever was holding her hands down. “I feel better. I’ll keep the oxygen on. But for the love of god, get off of me.” Reluctantly, they let her go. “You guys are really loud, you know that right?” She glared at them. “Sorry, Mer.” Andrew chuckled. “Can I at least listen to your lungs?” Begrudgingly, Meredith obliged. “Fine.” Teddy grabbed her stethoscope and placed against Meredith’s chest and back. “Lungs seem to be improving.” Meredith smiled weakly. She may have been asleep for 7 days, but she was still tired and weak. In a moment of remembering what Derek had told her, she looked up to Teddy and asked, “Can you page Hayes for me?” Both Teddy and Andrew made insanely confused faces at Meredith’s request. “Are you sure you don’t want me to page, you know, your sisters?” Meredith brought her head back and blinked slowly. “No. I want to talk to Hayes right now, before I forget everything I need to say.” Andrew seemed to take major offence at Meredith’s lack of recognition for his presence, and that instead she was immediately asking for Cormac Hayes, someone he’d continuously argued with about Meredith’s care while she was out. “Okay, I’ll page him. DeLuca, let’s go.” Teddy sent the page off and DeLuca scoffed as he exited the room with Teddy.

Cormac Hayes was sitting at the computer, completely bored out of his mind on the peds floor, unable to shut his mind off from worrying about Meredith. His heart skipped a million beat when his pager went off, the room number connecting to Meredith’s. Every worst-case-scenario ran through his mind as he threw on his PPE and bolted to the elevator to get to her. To his surprise, when he reached Meredith’s room, she was lying in bed, alone, awake, and watching for him. He breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of her, alive. He put on the rest of his PPE and carefully opened her door. “Hey.” She said, smiling weakly at him. The sight of Meredith Grey smiling at him overwhelmed Hayes, and he could feel himself start to cry tears of complete relief. “Hey, hey. Come here. I’m alive, I’m okay.” She extended her hand, motioning for him to go sit on the end of her bed. “You were right, you know. This virus had nothing on me.” They laughed together at her reference. “I was so worried about you while you were unresponsive. I’m so relieved you’re alive.” Hayes said, looking directly into Meredith’s eyes. She grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “Me too.” She finally told him. “You know, I saw Derek while I was asleep.” He smiled at the thought of Meredith’s reaction to seeing her late-husband again. “And, he told me something. It took me a little off guard.” Hayes tilted his head. “I bet it was nice, seeing Derek again. What did he say?” Meredith gripped onto Hayes’ hand a little tighter. “He told me… that he’s watching over me. And then he said that if I had died, that you’d never believe in love again. What did he mean by that?” Hayes closed his eyes. Who could’ve guessed that the reason why Hayes had fallen for Meredith would also be the one to make him tell Meredith about the feelings for her that he was terrified of? “Before Abby died, she told me that it was okay to move on, that I had her permission. But I didn’t want to believe in love again after mine was taken from me so soon. I didn’t even think I could let myself feel anything for anyone else besides Abby. That was, until I met you. Had you died, I don’t know if I would’ve ever let myself feel anything for anyone ever again, since they seem to keep being taken from me so quickly.” Meredith sighed at Hayes’ words.

She had a suspicion that Hayes had feelings for her, but she never expected those feelings to be so deep for her. “You deserve to be happy, Hayes. Even if I hadn’t made it.” Hayes chuckled a little. “Grey, you’re starting to sound like Abby.” He said, which made Meredith laugh. “I just want you to know… let yourself feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. Because you’re not the only one experiencing them. I have them for you too.” Hayes looked at her, surprised. Meredith adjusted their hands that sat together so comfortably, and she laced their fingers together. “We don’t have to jump into anything. But know that I don’t feel like I have a decision to make, or options to choose from anymore. You told me, and Derek told me, to choose someone who would pick me over and over again, over everything and everyone. That’s you.” Had COVID not been an issue, Cormac Hayes would have kissed Meredith Grey right there and then. Instead, he pulled her in tightly for a hug. “I was hoping you’d apply that advice to whoever you chose to be with. Meredith, I promise that I will always choose you no matter what. I don’t commit lightly – when I say I’m in, I’m all in.” They pulled away from their hug. “So, what you’re saying is that you’re in?” Meredith said, her heart racing. “I am.” He responded to her. They smiled at each other, not saying a word. After a few moments of complete silence, Meredith spoke up “That sounded nice.” She said, running her hand over Hayes’. “What does?” He said, looking down at their hands and tangling their fingers together. “You calling me Meredith.” A sense of peace filled the room as both surgeons understood that Derek and Abigail had brought them together.

“Would you mind paging Maggie and Amelia? I haven’t seen them in a long time, and I figure Maggie could use some good news right now.” Hayes nods at her, and pages Meredith’s sisters to her room. Not too long after, he gets paged back to the peds floor. “It’s been so quiet on the peds floor today I’m almost surprised I got paged. I’ll come by again to see you later.” Meredith nodded, understanding that feeling all too well. “I’m already looking forward to it. Now, go save a life.” She smiled at him, and with one last hug, Hayes went on his way.

A few minutes later, Maggie and Amelia breathlessly barge into Meredith’s room, overjoyed at the sight of her alive, breathing, and happy. For the next hour, Meredith told them everything that happened while she was asleep – about Derek, George, and Lexie, and how Derek said he missed them, which made them cry, especially Amelia. However, she refrained from telling them anything about Hayes and the recent developments between them. They didn’t need to know quite yet.  

[finished-ink]

The Last of Us Part II RANT

I’m normally a “moblie user only” person myself, but Part II took the fattest, nastiest shit on me I’ve ever had the displeasure and feeling through game, that I had to hop on my computer and type this. But before I get in to all the bad, let me start off with the little good in the game.

PROS: The Sound Design, the Animation and Graphics, and the Voice Work

Sound Design: The songs and music in this game were extremely well done. It had me moved to tears to sitting on the edge of my seat anxious about what was going to happen next.

Animation and Graphics: The animation truly seemed like a TON of time, energy, and love went into designing the characters and their surroundings.The graphics were just as awesome and truly made you feel immersed in the world of tlou.

Voice Work: Great work done my all voice actors involved. They, along with the graphics, made the characters really come to life.

OK, now done with the good, time for the fucking bullshit. I am mostly going to focus an the story and the characters. Because holy fuck, I know GOT season 8 was like a milestone in bad storytelling, but the goal wasn’t to do worse than that shitty ass season.

The Shitty Story:  I think the first thing that set this story up to be the fuck up that it is, was this lesson of “Violence isn’t the answer”. I think if the lesson was, “Your actions and choices have consequences” would have been a better theme to go along with this story. So, lets begin with Joel’s death.

I was honestly not surprised at all when I got to Abby at the beginning and someone was there to kill Joel. To think he would be able to evade the effects of what he did to the Fireflies would have been a bit ridiculous. I was even semi-fine with the torture of Joel, because I could see how that decision would force the player to really want to get back at Abby. Was it needed? Absolutely not because just killing Joel would of accomplished this. But if the torture of Joel was something Naught Dog really wanted to include then OK fine. We then come to the next extremely shitty part in the story, killing members of WLF and the game making the player feel guilty for it.

Now I know this is kinda a game play issue, but the issue being solved with a simple change in the game play would effect the story. And that is allowing the players to choose what the fuck they want to do. Do you want to just going in and slaughter everybody while their friends scream about their friends dying. That’s completely your choice. Do you want to quietly and tactically knock them out and leave them to live? Let that also be a choice. The could of even done it to where the more people you kill the more ammo and weapons you could collect, but it’ll be harder to travel because WLF will be sending out more brutes and harder enemies in an attempt to stop you. On the flip side, the more people you knock out, the less ammo and weapons you have, but the less WLFs there are to try and hunt you down because you’re not a bigger threat than the Scars. Then they could use dialogue said by the npcs to give the player an idea of how much of a threat they are to WLF. In a game where its trying to teach this lesson of “Violence isn’t the answer”, it sure forces you to resort to violence at every opportunity. You can even keep the intended message because in the game, violence isn’t always truly the answer. Bouncing off of this is my next change to the story, having the players make the choice about whether or not they want to kill Nora, Mel, and Owen.

Let’s get one thing straight, Ellie beating the shit out of Nora was not needed. An alternative to getting the info about where Abby was staying at could of been done through a series of little puzzle quests to give Ellie clues on where Abby was. This would be longer, but would not of had the same effect on Ellie’s mental state as beating the fuck out of Nora did. However, they could of kept the original scene as it played out. You get the info fast and you don’t lose out on anything major. Maybe some ammo and some pills but not enough to where it feels like you’ve lost out. But the choice now falls on the players to decide what they should do. The same applies with Mel and Owen. When you arrive at the aquarium, the player can decide to shot Owen to get Mel to talk, kill Mel to get Owen to talk, or grab Mel to threaten Owen to talk. The two kill options would be semi-bad because what played out originally with Abby would happen. But if the player decided to threaten Mel, Owen would talk, Ellie would release Mel but still holding them at gun point, and leave. However this would happen after another choice I think should of been implemented in the game. The choice to travel with Jesse to go and find Tommy.

When this happened even I wanted Ellie to just go with Jesse. It seemed like a great point to give the players a chance to decide what they wanted Ellie to do. Here’s how I would of wanted it to go: The player can either make Ellie continue to the aquarium, and the story would follow along as normal, or the player makes Ellie go with Jesse to find Tommy and leave. They leave and find Tommy after his encounter with Abby. You could even make another choice here where Tommy wants to try and go back to hunt down Abby, or go back to Dina with Jesse after he argues that they need to leave. If you go back with Jesse, Tommy follows with you, upset she gets to live, but moves on. From this they return to the theater, grab Dina and travel back to Jackson. This can then branch off to the future we see with Ellie and Dina, but there’s a scene where they travel to Jackson with J.J to see Jesse and his family. While there, Tommy approaches Ellie and says that he found Abby, and the player can decide what to do here as well. Go after Abby or stay. If the player goes after Abby, Ellie does find her and kills her, but it leaves Ellie feeling a bit conflicted because she doesn’t feel the fulfillment she thought she would feel. Cut to her traveling back to Jackson, visiting Joel’s grave and cue heart wrenching scene of her playing the guitar at his grave.

Now circling back, if the player decided to travel with Tommy to hunt Abby down in Seattle, Jesse reluctantly agrees, but tells them if they don’t find her by tomorrow afternoon, they all leave. This would then lead to the player finding Abby and Lev (because in my head Lev does run off but the boat he takes in the aquarium isn’t there and heard talk about the other boats the WLF’s use and takes off there, but Abby catches him in time to stop him from traveling to the island. This would happen after her encounter with Tommy) and Abby would tell Lev to run back to the aquarium with Yara. So its Ellie, Jesse, and Tommy holding Abby at gun point. Knowing a 3v1 isn’t winnable, she lays down her weapons and thus, another decision is allowed for the player. Kill Abby or let her live. Killing Abby has an effect on Ellie’s mental state and that can effect the game at the end. Not too bad that it ruins the ending, but bad enough that maybe there’s a cut scene of her having nightmares about killing her. If the player decides to not kill her, Ellie lets her go, she runs off, Tommy and her argue and Jesse tells them to drop it and get back to the theater. They do and cue to the ending I talked about earlier with everyone going back to Jackson. Now this leads me to my leads final story issue I would change about the game, Abby’s portion would be significantly cut down.

While the player would still play as Abby, the only flash back that would be included is the one about her and her father. Narratively, I don’t hate it. It allows for the player to understand why Abby wanted to kill Joel and drive home the new theme of “Your choices and actions have consequences”. However playing as Abby for, what, 12 hours of the game wasn’t needed. If the excuse was to pad for time, everything I said above would not have only extended the time, but would of allowed for players to want to replay the game. The player would still play as Abby with Lev and Yara so it can set up the players for how all the characters got to where they are by the time the player is given the choice to Kill or Let Abby Go. I’m on the fence about if the player would still be Abby and the theater scene would play as normal if you kill Mel or Owen. Kinda up in the air but what can you do. Anyways, while this would humanize the character to extent, it wouldn’t try to wash down her deeds like Naught Dogs tried to do. In my creation of this story, what happened in Santa Barbara would not take place at all.

All in all, there was some much they could of done with this story that could of made it worth playing. I have no more words for this grotesque torture p*rn game Neil and Naught Dogs decided to create. I wish I could fucking wipe my brain and get back to two days I wasted on this game. Fuck them and I hope Naughty Dogs fucking falls apart. I will finish my little essay with asking y’all to please not harass or go after the voice actors and the people who tried to make this game. Go after Neil , because ultimately this falls on him.

[horizondawn]

I got so much more from my experience playing The Last of Us Part II than "revenge is bad". It's something I've literally and heavily been dealing with just this past month. I have a lot of deep thoughts here, so here we go. This isn’t saying you’re horrible if you didn’t like the game, but after sitting on it for a while after finishing, these are my thoughts of the series from my perspective through my real life experiences and own personal morals/beliefs and how I try to grow as a person. Key word: Try.

I have a family member who was murdered over 3 decades ago, and it still haunts me and my family to this day. I've had night terrors similar to the ones Ellie had in the game, even if I didn’t see the actual act, so I can only imagine how traumatizing it is for her. The murderer has been locked up and on death row ever since, and for a while I was set on going to the eventual execution. My anger fueled me for an awfully long time, but it wasn't until a few years ago I realized that is not me. Killing him (or in my case wanting satisfaction by watching a live execution) won't bring that family member back, and I would lose a part of myself if I actually went through with what I intended and held onto those feelings. And that was identical to what was happening to Ellie. I didn't want her to lose herself, because going down that destructive path means you come out in the worse possible way. Even worse than the ending we got. I was frustrated with Ellie because I understand her pain to an extent even if the situations are nothing alike, and that is the reason why I bonded, cared, and loved her even more, and I didn't think that was possible. The killing we committed as Joel didn't bother me as much in the first game because they were a bunch of hunters we never really understood. The one time I sat there unable to pull the trigger for a good while was when I was forced to shoot the surgeon, who was later revealed to be Abby’s father. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to in order to finish the game. In Part II we saw so many perspectives on top of knowing Ellie was losing it by deliberately going after these groups of people. The further on I played, even before getting to Abby's perspective when I hated her, I still didn't want Ellie to go through with it. From the very beginning, even though it was going to be brutal, I absolutely did not want Ellie to accomplish this goal. That’s mainly because I know the feeling, and it really does consume you.

It fucking hurt and I was so frustrated with Ellie when she left Dina, JJ, and their life together, but it was because I care so much for her and desperately wanted her to let her anger go rather than the actual writing. I felt for her as a real person rather than just a character who was written. Even if she has lost everything she ever had though, Ellie didn't lose herself or her humanity and ability to care in the end, and that sliver of hope made me feel relieved. The symbolism of her leaving the guitar Joel gifted her, that she could no longer play properly, was a sign of her forgiving him, and letting go.

And that's only from Ellie's perspective. I had to stop playing for a bit the moment I had to start playing as Abby, the biggest emotional whiplash ever. Holy hell though did my perspective change and I eventually loved her as a character. Even if I still hated her I love getting to see different perspectives. Seeing Abby’s story as well contributed to why that final fight made me sob. I stopped controlling Ellie and had her just standing there on the beach because I knew what was about to happen, and I did not want that. I really didn’t know if Ellie was actually going to kill Abby or not. And I cannot describe how many of the tears that were shed were from relief when she didn’t. I would literally love to play a game just focused on Abby and Lev though and see where they go as their dynamic was absolutely amazing and I will fight anyone who hates on Lev; he is such a treasure. And even though I will never forgive Abby for what she did, I’m tired of hanging onto that kind of anger, even if it’s for a fictional character. I want to understand everyone better in reality, because we are all human, and that makes things so very complicated. Add a fallen society after a world wide pandemic that has wiped out most of humanity and it makes it even more complicated. The human experience is insane and no one will ever be able to understand everyone else’s experiences and pain, and that’s what makes individual lives so vast and important. 

I didn’t know any of the spoilers aside from Abby killing Joel, but I didn’t know the specifics, and I didn’t see a single screenshot spoiler. I still have no idea what the spoilers were beyond that. The moment it was announced a sequel was coming out I had a very big feeling Joel was going to die though, so I was okay with that if it happened from a narrative perspective. And you know why? Because the world of The Last of Us is cruel, and people are taken from Ellie in the blink of an eye. One moment Ellie confessed her love to Riley while sharing a sweet kiss and dancing and the next she’s bitten and we know what happened from there. One moment she’s travelling with Joel and Tess and Tess is gone. One moment she’s sharing a wonderful moment with Sam and Henry, and then they’re both gone. In the most brutal and cruel manner that fed her survival’s guilt. And that is why she was so upset with Joel. She lost so many people literally right in front of her. Then she learns the Fireflies are gone because of the one person she was able to grow to love as family, something she never ever had in her life, which also means her previous guardian, Marlene, her mother’s close friend, is gone as well because of him. As Tess quoted, “Guess what, we’re shitty people Joel; it’s been like that for a long time”. Tess was right. Joel was not a good person, and that is what made him unbelievably fascinating as a playable protagonist. But the player grew to know him from Ellie’s direct influence, not from the hardened person he became after 20 years of emotional distance from anyone following the death of Sarah. And that sudden harsh cruelty is exactly what I was expecting in the sequel, even if I wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared for it. I certainly still got upset with every death there was: Joel, Jesse, Mel, Owen, Yara, everyone. The Last of Us is not focused on happy endings. At all. Of course we wish for that, and the new menu after completing the game shows that there was definitely some hope following what happened on that beach, but the world is more about human emotion and the crazy things we do for the people we love, even if it’s in the worse possible way, and it gives us that bit of questioning wonder with a tiny dash of hope for Ellie and her humanity. That’s exactly what Joel’s actions were for his love for Ellie at the end of the first game. This was Ellie doing the same for her love for him. And what Abby did for her love for her father. And the thing is some people wish we understood Abby from a different order, and I totally understand and respect that. But again, in real life we don’t get the background knowledge of everyone’s pasts either if not for research of some kind, which is why we need to make an effort to learn if possible. That’s all The Last of Us really has to offer, no matter which character’s story we are following, and that is what makes it so special. The second game isn’t driven by hatred alone. It’s about the other gruesome side of things for love.

Now gameplay wise, yes, I do believe structure could have been improved or done differently to help with the flow of the narrative here and there. And there were some moments that felt dragged. But that’s gameplay, not the story itself. I thought The Last of Us was emotional whiplash. That was just preparation to the roller coaster Part II would bring. And I’m not saying Part II is better. Both games are very different stories with very different perspectives, so I honestly can’t compare them. The original game brings the bond of two characters we all grew to fearlessly love. Part II brings what exists outside of the world of those two characters, and that they aren’t the only ones on this teeter totter of having done horrific things in the name of love in this cruel world they live in. Because we’re all only human. In game as Ellie, Joel, and Abby we pick up all of these letters throughout both games about these characters we don’t even see, let alone meet, and yet I want to know more about what happened to them. What are their stories during all of this? And even if you still hate Abby in the end, which is fine, there was that chance of seeing someone else’s story as well that intertwines with Ellie. I personally LOVE it when this happens. And all of us, no matter how horrible the world seems to fall apart, are capable of learning through the knowledge of other’s experiences.

[spoookymuulders]

you make my heart beat like the rain

read it on ao3 here total word count: 11,187 chapter word count: 4,120 warnings: none

chapter three. and all of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight. in which abigail williams spills her coffee.

The first time Penelope Garcia walked into May Castillo’s shop, May was sure she was lost. After all, why would someone who dressed like a walking, talking rainbow come into the local new age shop? But Penelope had puttered around for a while before selecting a few crystals and bringing them to the counter with a big, broad smile, and now, May finds herself hoping that it’s Penelope coming in every time the door to the shop opens.

It usually is.

Today is no different. May is sitting at the counter, flipping through a book slowly when the door opens and she spies the tell-tale bright pink of Penelope’s favorite pair of heels. 

“Morning, Penelope.” She calls. Penelope pokes her head around a book display, smiling sweetly, and May feels her heart jump. 

“Hi!” Penelope says brightly. She comes to the counter and sets a paper cup on the table, grinning. “I got you a coffee.” May blinks twice, looking between Penelope and the coffee for a moment. 

“Why?” She asks finally. The smile on Penelope’s face falters for half a second, but May notices and grabs the coffee, taking a sip - it’s perfect, just the way she likes it. 

“I remembered you saying the other day that your coffee machine at home broke, so I thought I’d treat you to some.” Penelope tells her. May watches her for another moment, then smiles, reaching over and squeezing Penelope’s hand lightly.

“Thanks, Pen.” She says gently. Penelope’s smile is back full force now as she beams at May, and May takes a moment to consider how different they truly are. Penelope’s dress today is a deep blue with flowers printed all over it. She wears a bright pink cardigan over top of it to match her bright pink heels, and her hair is done up in big curls. 

May, however, lands on the opposite end of the spectrum. While Penelope is all bright colors and fun patterns, May is much more comfortable in Earth tones - today, for instance, she’s opted for a pair of sienna-colored skinny jeans and an ivory sweater. And Penelope’s heels add a solid five inches to her height, while May’s deep brown flats do nothing for hers. 

How exactly they ended up becoming such close friends, May isn’t sure. And she’s not sure she’ll ever really know, but she’s okay with that. If she had to say, she’d tell you it’s probably just because Penelope has such a loud personality, and they balance each other out. The very first time she’d come into the shop, Penelope had ended up inviting May over for a girls night with herself and her friends JJ and Emily five minutes in. And May wasn’t exactly new in town - she’d been living there for about four years at the time - but she didn’t exactly have many friends, either, so she’d taken the blonde up on the offer.

And she’d found herself with three new friends and a recurring girls night every Friday. Eventually, Penelope had involved a few of the other girls in town - Abby (who worked with her at the animal sanctuary), Callie (the nurse at Callahan Elementary and Abby’s twin sister), and Ellie (who ran the diner).

“Did you hear there’s a new girl in town?” Penelope asks, leaning against the counter and bringing May back to the present. May chuckles, nodding - Penelope is always the best source for gossip, and May’s fairly certain that she knows the gossip about certain people before they even know they’re being gossipped about.

“I saw her walk by yesterday.” May hums, sipping at her coffee. “I think Abby said she’s staying over at Haley’s. I was thinking about bringing her some muffins or something.”

“Oh my gosh, we should totally bake her something!” Penelope gasps, and May admires the way her entire face lights up at the very idea of it. “We could ask Kristy for help, too! May, that would be so fun!”  May laughs softly, nodding.

“Alright, let’s get together and bake her something, then.” She chuckles. Penelope squeals and claps lightly, then glances at her watch. 

“I gotta go, but I’ll text you about baking! We’ll make a whole girls night of it!” She says, waving as she scurries away. May watches her go, shaking her head fondly as her heels click-click-click out of the shop, then sighs slowly. She shakes herself a little, forcing herself out of her daydreams, and busies herself with rearranging the items on the counter.

****

If there’s one thing Abigail Williams hates, it’s being late. To anything, really, but especially to work. The line at the coffee shop didn’t seem to care this morning, however, and she rushes into the animal sanctuary five minutes late, immeasurably grateful that Penelope doesn’t actually care all that much if she’s late as long as she shows up.

“I’m here, Pen!” She shouts, hurrying around the counter and setting the coffees down. She tugs off her coat and hangs it up before flopping into her chair, spinning it back towards the desk as she settles. “I come bearing coffee!” The familiar clicking of Penelope’s heels announces her arrival and Abby looks up with a sheepish smile as her boss and best friend emerges from the back hall. She holds up Penelope’s coffee and the blonde grins at her, leaning down to peck her cheek lightly.

“Emily’s supposed to come by today with some new designs for the wall mural.” Penelope says, leaning on the counter. “Other than that, we don’t have a whole lot going on today.” Abby nods, sipping at her own coffee and humming - maybe she’ll actually get to meet the elusive Emily Prentiss today. Every time she’s gone to a girls night, Emily’s had to reschedule for some reason or another and Abby’s started to wonder if she actually exists. After a moment, she looks up at Penelope and squints.

“You saw May this morning, didn’t you?” She asks. Penelope gapes at her, sputtering for a moment.

“How do you always know?” Penelope whines, and Abby laughs quietly.

“You get this goofy smile whenever you go see her, Pen.” The brunette says, “It’s so painfully obvious how much you like her.”

“Do you think she knows?” Penelope asks anxiously. Abby shakes her head. 

“Nah. I think she’s totally clueless, honestly. But you should ask her out!” She says. 

“Oh, no. No no no, I couldn’t do that.” Penelope says quickly, shaking her head. “Nope. If I ask her out and she doesn’t feel the same way that ruins everything, Ab!” Before either of them can say anything else, the buzzer at the back door sounds and they jump a little.

“That must be the shipment of the new dog food for Mrs. Carson.” Abby says as a car pulls up to the curb. She hops up and grabs her coffee, waving a hand. “You do this, I’ll go deal with the delivery.” And with that, she scurries to the back door as the buzzer sounds again, her pale pink skirt flouncing around her knees as she goes. The bell above the door jingles brightly as Emily slips inside and grins at Penelope. 

“What’s up, PG?” She asks, hugging Penelope lightly. She steps back and sets a folder on the counter, flipping it open and laying out a few images she’s drawn up on her iPad over the past week or so. The two get so wrapped up in talking about and planning the mural that neither of them notices Abby’s reappearance until the door into the back hall closes and they both turn around.

As soon as Abby lays eyes on Emily, she drops her coffee. As it splashes against her shins, she thanks whatever higher power there is that she’d decided to go with an iced coffee instead of a hot today. But looking at Emily Prentiss, who could blame her for losing her grip on everything? Because Emily Prentiss, with her dark hair and dark eyes and fair skin and sweet smile, is the most beautiful woman Abby’s ever seen.

She squeaks, the chill of the coffee jerking her back to reality and she rushes to grab the paper towels from the desk. As she starts wiping up the coffee, a pair of black boots steps into her vision and she looks up, cheeks burning hotter than the sun. Emily is crouched in front of her, helping to wipe up the coffee and handing her the now-empty cup with a gentle smile.

“Hi.” Emily says.

“Hi.” Abby returns softly. They stand and Abby hurries to toss the paper towels into the trash before drying her hands with another one quickly. Emily approaches and holds out a hand, one which Abby takes and shakes lightly. Penelope watches the interaction with narrowed eyes.

“I’m Emily. You must be Abby?” 

Abby nods, clearing her throat. “It’s nice to meet you finally.” She says. Emily grins and nods.

“You too.” She says warmly. “Penelope talks about you all the time, I’m sorry we haven’t gotten to meet sooner.” Abby nods, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear absently. “I was almost starting to think you didn’t exist.”

Abby blinks at that, then smiles. “I was starting to think the same about you.” She says, and when she giggles, Emily’s heart flutters. Emily’s phone buzzes in her pocket and she digs it out, huffing quietly.

“I’ve gotta go, Pen, but look over those designs and text me!” She says. As she leaves, she glances over her shoulder and gives Abby one last smile. “Nice to meet you.” She says. Abby nods, watching her go. As soon as she’s out the door, Abby sighs softly and puts her hands to her cheeks.

“You never said she was gorgeous.” She says dreamily. Penelope laughs brightly and guides Abby back towards her chair behind the desk. “Seriously, Pen, in all the times you’ve mentioned her, you never told me how pretty she is.” Abby flops into her chair and puts her chin in her hand, watching as Emily’s car pulls away from the curb. Chuckling quietly, Penelope pats Abby’s shoulder gently. 

“Now who’s got the crush?” She teases gently, laughing and hurrying away when Abby turns and throws a pompom decoration at her.

****

Zoe is slowly starting to learn her way around town - granted, she’s only been here for two-and-a-half weeks, but she’s figuring it out. She’s still on the hunt for an apartment of her own and she’s slowly warming up to the people she’s met. Luke and Hotch were easy to warm up to; Luke because he’s like the human embodiment of a golden retriever, Hotch because he reminds Zoe of her favorite uncle. JJ had introduced Zoe to a bunch of her friends at a girls night her first weekend in town, and she’d opened up to them almost immediately - her walls are still up, naturally, but it’s easier to warm up and let herself be a little more vulnerable around other women.

And then there’s Spencer Reid.

She can’t quite figure Spencer out. When JJ had first told Zoe about him, she’d said he was like a gentle giant, and from what Zoe’s seen so far, that’s accurate. Spencer is six-foot-one and looks like he weighs a hundred pounds soaking wet, and she’s kind of terrified of him. But the kindness in his eyes and the warm smiles he gives her every time they see each other out around town are slowly pulling her out of her shell around him. Which is good, she supposes, considering JJ is her best friend and Spencer seems to hang around JJ more than anyone else.

Speak of the devil. As she parks outside the general store and climbs out, a familiar-sounding truck parks two spots down and Spencer climbs out, smiling and waving when he sees her. She waves back and heads for the front door, glancing to the side when Spencer jogs over and falls into step beside her.

“Hi.” He says, grinning down at her. She glances up and offers a small smile of her own.

“Hi.” She returns, pausing just inside the door to grab a basket. Spencer does the same, keeping pace beside Zoe easily. “Are you just gonna follow me around the store?” She asks, her tone teasing, glancing at him over her shoulder as he pauses to grab a box of cereal. Spencer chuckles, shrugging.

“Maybe I just so happen to need things from the same aisles as you.” He says. Zoe smiles a little, shaking her head, but she doesn’t say anything else. “Any luck finding an apartment?”

“Not yet.” Zoe sighs, rubbing her cheek with her good hand as they wander. “JJ and Penelope are gonna help me look this weekend. Penelope said she thinks there’s one opening up in her building.” Spencer hums.

“You could always ask Morgan.” He tells her. When she glances up at him with a furrowed brow, he points towards the front of the shop, where Morgan is standing and chattering with Krystall, both of them laughing brightly. “He fixes up houses and rents them out, I think one of them has apartments in it.” Zoe nods thoughtfully, making a mental note of that.

“How are things on the ranch?” She asks, pausing to grab a box of pasta. She pushes onto her toes in an attempt to reach a jar of pasta sauce, settling back down when Spencer leans over her and snags it. She takes it from him with a soft thank you. 

“Pretty good. Penelope’s trying really hard to get me to host a party or something after Halloween.” He hums. Zoe laughs softly, nodding - that sounds about right for Penelope Garcia. “But I’m already hosting Thanksgiving, I don’t know if I could plan something else.”

“Have Penelope plan it.” Zoe says simply, shrugging lightly. Spencer chuckles, nodding. 

“There’s an idea.” He muses. “I’ll think about that.” They continue their impromptu mutual shopping trip, chattering lightly about everything and nothing, and Zoe finds herself relaxing more and more as they talk. When they’re both finished, they make their way to the checkout lanes and unload their baskets. As the kid at the register is scanning Zoe’s groceries, Spencer calls Morgan over.

“Hey kid.” Morgan says with a grin, clapping Spencer on the shoulder lightly. Spencer returns the greeting as Zoe glances over and digs her wallet out of her purse.

“Morgan, this is Zoe. Zoe, Derek Morgan.” Spencer says. Zoe nods and shakes Morgan’s hand lightly after she sticks her card into the machine. “Morgan, one of your houses has apartments in it, right?” 

“Yeah, the one on White Street. Why? That ranch of yours finally get to be too much?” Morgan teases. Spencer rolls his eyes with a smile.

“The ranch is fine. Zoe just moved to town and is looking for an apartment.” Spencer says. Morgan raises his brows and glances at Zoe, who nods, cheeks burning.

“How soon do you need it?” He asks. Zoe shrugs.

“I’m staying at the B&B right now.” She tells him softly. Morgan nods thoughtfully. 

“Well, one of the apartments in the White Street house is open. If you want it, it’s yours, sweetheart.” Morgan says. Zoe looks up at him and she can feel tears burning behind her eyes but she wills them back.

“Really?” She asks quietly. Morgan tips his head, frowning just so.

“Yeah. There’s no furniture in it, but it’s available.” He says gently. Zoe bites the inside of her lip hard and nods. 

“That - thank you.” She says. Morgan smiles gently now, nodding. Reaching over the conveyor belt, he snags a scrap of paper and scribbles his name and number on it, along with the address of the house. 

“Gimme a call later and I’ll get you the key so you can check it out.” He says. Zoe nods and takes the paper, gathering her bags and stepping aside as Morgan slips away. She watches him go, then follows Spencer out of the shop quietly. Tucking her bags into her trunk, she closes it and leans against the car for a moment, staring at the ground. She’s pulled out of her thoughts when Spencer’s shoes appear in her vision and she glances up to see him looking at her, frowning lightly.

“Are you okay?” He asks softly. Zoe clears her throat quickly and nods.

“I wasn’t expecting to find an apartment today.” She says, hoping her voice sounds more confident than she feels. Spencer nods, watching her, not looking entirely convinced, but he drops it. 

“Well - hey, I have to drop my groceries off at home, but uh.. Do you want me to come with you? To look at the apartment?” He asks gently. Zoe bites her cheek and nods after a moment.

“That’d be good.” She says. Spencer smiles gently and nods. 

“I’ll come by the B&B in a couple hours.” He tells her. Zoe nods again, watching him go back to his truck, and climbs into the front seat of her little yellow punchbuggy. She exhales slowly and heads towards the B&B, managing to keep herself together until she gets to her room. As soon as the door is closed behind her, she sinks to the floor and leans against the bed and promptly bursts into tears.

She’s not sure how long she’s been sitting like that when a timid knock sounds at her door. She sniffles and wipes her cheeks quickly, then stands and clears her throat as she pads over to open the door. Jack stands on the other side, looking up at her with a frown on his little face.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Zoe feels a fresh wave of tears well in her eyes and she nods quickly. Before she can say anything, however, Jack throws his arms around her middle and hugs her tightly. Startled, she settles her arms around his shoulders and relaxes after a moment, exhaling unsteadily. Jack squeezes her waist and looks up at her, brown eyes warm and worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, buddy.” She says softly, brushing his hair back gently. “I’m okay, I promise. I’m just feeling.. A little overwhelmed.” 

“Why?” Jack asks quietly, frowning. Zoe sighs slowly, considering the best way to answer his question. She steps out of his embrace and pads over to the window, perching on the cushion there and patting the spot beside her. Jack climbs up and sits next to her, scooting as close as he can.

“For a long time, it seemed like.. Like only bad things were happening to me.” She tells him, brushing her good hand through his hair gently. He tucks himself into her side, frowning up at her. “And I was really sad for a long time. But since I moved here, I’ve made some friends and I’m feeling happy again. And it feels like good things are happening more and more often, and it just overwhelmed me.”

“I think that’s how daddy felt when we moved here.” Jack says thoughtfully. Zoe looks down at him and brushes his hair back, letting him sit with his thoughts for a moment before he continues. “He was really sad all the time. But we made lots of friends! And we talk to mommy sometimes at night. I think that helps.” Zoe smiles softly, nodding.

“How do you talk to her?” She asks.

“Daddy lights a candle before bed and we tell her about our day, and then we blow it out.” Jack tells her. Zoe nods, humming thoughtfully.

“That sounds nice.” She says softly, leaning down to kiss his hair gently. “I’m sure your mommy loves hearing from you like that.” Jack smiles up at her and hugs her again, and Zoe closes her eyes, settling her arms around the boy’s shoulders and resting her cheek to her hair.

If there’s one thing she’s learned in her years of teaching, it’s that there’s nothing quite like a hug from a child to help you feel better, no matter what the problem is. When her grandmother had passed and she’d taken a few days off to go to the funeral, she’d come back to a massive group hug from the kids she’d been student-teaching. When she’d been home sick with the flu and had finally come back, she’d gotten a huge hug from each of her students as they’d come in that morning. She rubs Jack’s back slowly, humming softly, and glances up when she hears footsteps outside the door.

Hotch is standing there, arms crossed, a small smile on his lips. Jack looks up and grins at his father, wiggling out of Zoe’s arms and running across the room. Hotch scoops him up and hugs him tightly for a moment.

“Zoe, Spencer’s here.” Hotch says, setting Jack back on the floor. Jack’s eyes light up and he scoots around Hotch’s legs, sprinting for the stairs and shouting for Spencer. Zoe nods and clears her throat.

“Do I look like a mess?” She asks. Hotch chuckles and shakes his head, picking up her sweater and holding it out. Zoe takes it and slips it on. 

“You look fine.” He promises gently. Zoe nods, fiddling with the hem of the sweater before looking up at Hotch again.

“He’s an amazing kid.” She says softly. Hotch glances towards the stairs as they slip out of Zoe’s room, smiling softly as Jack shouts something about Star Wars with Spencer. “You’ve done an incredible job with him.”

“I’ve had help.” Hotch says honestly. “It was hard when we first moved here, but we’ve made friends. A family.” Zoe nods again, glancing up as Hotch catches her arm gently at the top of the stairs. The moment of panic that bubbles in her chest is mitigated by the gentleness in Hotch’s eyes. 

“I want you to know that you can talk to me.” He says softly. Zoe watches him, brows furrowing just so as she contemplates his words. “About anything - good, bad, whatever’s going on. Like I said when you first got here, JJ didn’t tell me much about what was going on, just that it was an emergency, but if you need someone to talk to.. I’m here.”

Zoe feels tears burn behind her eyes for the third time this afternoon and she nods, offering a small smile. 

“Thank you.” She says softly. Hotch smiles gently and squeezes her shoulder lightly, and she follows him downstairs.

****

Zoe stands in the middle of the empty living room, turning around in a circle slowly. Morgan and Spencer watch her from the doorway, both with small smiles. Pushing away from the wall, Morgan joins Zoe in the middle of the room and puts his hands on his hips. 

“What d’you think?” He asks. Zoe looks up at him, her eyes bright, and when she smiles Spencer thinks it looks like the sun coming through the clouds on a rainy day. 

“It’s perfect.” She says softly. Morgan beams at her and squeezes her shoulder gently, then digs the key out of his pocket and holds it out.

“It’s all yours, sweetheart.” He says. Zoe takes the key slowly and stares up at Morgan for a long moment before she throws her arms around him and hugs him tightly. He laughs softly, surprised at the contact, and returns the hug, patting her back gently. He squeezes her shoulders again when she steps back.

“Thank you so much.” Zoe says. Morgan smiles warmly and nods.

“Don’t mention it. And if you need anything at all, my number’s on the fridge.” He tells her. Zoe nods and watches Morgan go, exhaling and looking around the living room again before her eyes land on Spencer, who grins at her.

“Welcome home.” He says. Zoe smiles again and Spencer feels his heart flip-flop within his ribs. 

“Thank you for coming with me.” She says. Spencer nods, moving to stand beside her and looking around the room slowly. “Now I just gotta find furniture - I hate moving.” Spencer laughs softly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Well, lucky for you, you know someone with a truck and who knows all the best antique stores in a fifty-mile radius. Plus there’s a Walmart in Freeport if you need it.” He says. Zoe laughs quietly and smiles up at Spencer again, biting her lip for a moment as she considers her next question carefully. Spencer begins to meander around the perimeter of the room, peeking out the windows curiously.

“Hey.” She says, crossing her arms as he turns around, brows raised. “Maybe you could take me on that tour of the town you promised?”

Spencer blinks once, then smiles softly.

“I’d love to.”

[the-baticeer-extraordinaire]

The Last of Us Part 2

So, I finished it a couple of days ago, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I spent about three days playing, and I plan to play it again soon. I have some Thoughts ™ about it that I decided to share, but be aware -- there are major spoilers all throughout this post! You’ve been warned! 

It’s broken into three sections: what I loved, what I hated, and what I’m mixed about. Discussion is welcome. :)

What I Loved:

In the first game, you get to see Ellie's experience with the world outside of the QZ - and most of it is new to her. She grew up in the QZ, raised by Fireflies. She doesn't know much about the world before the outbreak, but you get to see her learn about it. You see her grow up and mature in this new, violent world and the toll that it has on her. In TLOU2, she's an adult now with friends who all grew up in this new world - they don't have the experience with the old like Joel or Tommy or Maria, so they are learning as they go. They've only experienced THIS world. I really enjoy listening to their conversations about what the world is like to them, trade stories about their wildly different experiences, and point out things they find odd about the old world. For example:

Ellie grew up in a QZ, but Dina did not. They trade stories about what it was like - particularly, the horrors of living in a QZ.

Ellie and Dina comment on Joel's love for coffee, saying they didn't "get it" as it tasted awful.

Ellie and Dina discuss the first time they killed a "non-infected" and the circumstances that caused it; it's clearly something very emotionally important to them, especially as they were young. It's also likely that this is the reality for all kids growing up after the outbreak. They don't get the privilege of knowing a life where they don't have to kill others to survive.

When Jesse and Ellie stumble upon a bookstore with a kid's section, Jesse can't believe they decorated the kids area with mushrooms. Ellie says that they must have had a different meaning to people before the outbreak, and in her journal, she notes that people used to think that mushrooms were cute.

Lev points out that a kid's bedroom is painted to look like nature but that it isn't realistic, and Abby tells him that it's more a "dream-like version" meant to be cute and commonly painted by parents for their kids. She tells Lev that her own father painted her a jungle.

The uncertainty of knowing whether or not Ellie knew that Joel had lied. I had always hated that Joel chose to lie to Ellie, but I had always suspected that Ellie must have some idea. I liked the gradual revelation that she did know, that Joel had finally fessed up. There were moments when someone would ask her if she had any idea why that group would kill Joel, and I'd be saying, "Because Fireflies" but then I would have to think "Ohhh, but Ellie doesn't know that!" Because you couldn't be sure that she did until the flashback reveals.

I felt like the strained relationship between Ellie and Joel resulting from the lie makes perfect sense; Ellie placed all value of her life on being the cure, and it must have been devastating for her to hear that she could have lived up to that perceived value if it weren't for his actions. Shitty actions of the Firelfies and the unrealism of a mass cure aside, Ellie must have felt insanely betrayed by the person she trusted most. The growing gap between the two of them and her pushback against his helicoptering makes absolute sense, even if it's sad. If Ellie had just blindly accepted it without some kind of anger or betrayal, I'd have been really disappointed.

Despite the lie and knowing what he had done, she still felt a sense of injustice enough to pursue his killer. In her journal, she notes that she had suspected Fireflies all along, so she knows why they came and why they killed him.

At first, I really hated playing as Abby. I knew immediately from Abby and Owen's conversation on the cliffs that she intended to find and kill Joel, and I wasn't surprised because even though I hadn't seen any spoilers prior to playing, I fully expected Joel to die in this game. It just made sense to me that Ellie would be on a violent rampage to avenge Joel, so it wasn't hard to connect. But playing as Abby, ESPECIALLY after Joel's death, was really hard to swallow. I couldn't really get behind playing as Joel's killer, as I adored Joel as a character and I had a lot of hate for her. As I played through her scenes, I started to realize that Abby and Ellie are kind of two sides to the same coin. Both grew up in and are navigating this "survival at all costs" kind of world, both are the sort to go to the extreme to seek revenge, and both are deeply hurting from the loss of their fathers. I was slow to really appreciate seeing Abby's perspective, but in the end, I got to see qualities of Abby that I liked, even if I didn't care for her overall. It reminded me that people aren't all good or all bad - they're more of a mixed bag.

Ellie is a child in the first game, and so it's not really surprising that she doesn't really make a lot of life-altering decisions for herself. She goes with Joel and Tess because Marlene says so, and she goes with Joel because what other choice does she have? And in the end, neither Joel or the Fireflies give her a choice in her situation - she's just dragged along to whatever they think is best for her. The sequel is different - Ellie is an adult who lives on her own and makes her own decisions. She pushes back when she feels Joel meddling, and it makes sense considering how he took control of her situation before. So, Ellie's actions have a lot more weight, and she's actually responsible for them. What I love is that Ellie is unquestionably herself - even when I, the player, felt like she was doing something wrong, it was her choice to make. It makes her character all the more human that she's not some righteous saint getting revenge for Joel's death. She makes mistakes and does things that are morally questionable. It makes her like everyone else - someone who has both good and bad.

Lev. All things Lev.

Through Ellie's perspective alone, you don't get much insight about the conflict between the Wolves and the Seraphites in Seattle. Abby's perspective offers more, and it makes sense. Ellie is a visitor and unfamiliar with the territory, but it seems Abby has been a part of the Wolves for a while. It's clear that the tension has grown increasingly more violent recently, and you get to see all of that erupt with Isaac ordering an attack to wipe out the Seraphites. What's interesting to witness is that as you progress through Abby's story, you get to see the flaws of both groups and the atrocities committed by both. The real tragedy is that neither of the groups can set aside their differences to say that it's okay to live differently - instead, they constantly fight and kill each other. The Seraphites are convinced that the Wolves are sinful and need to be put down. The Wolves say the Seraphites are freaks and need to be culled. Neither side is willing to try another truce - instead, they subscribe to the "survive at all costs" idea, and the cost is the other side - who they clearly don't see as human. This is especially clear when you see how quick they are to turn on each other for "stepping out of line" like when Lev shaves his head, Danny attacks Owen for not being able to kill an old man, and Isaac is willing to kill Abby for trying to stop the Wolves from killing Lev.

Once Lev and Abby start running together, Lev constantly corrects Abby's use of "Scars" - the name that the Wolves call the Seraphites. This seems very important to Lev, and once you run into Seraphites with him, you understand his insistence as they continuously deadname him. Lev didn't give up his beliefs when be fled the Seraphites, and it's important to him that Abby not disrespect him in that way. Even more telling is that while Abby continues to use Scars for a bit, she eventually becomes more respectful and uses Seraphites instead - something that his own tribe couldn't do for him.

Holy fuck, I am in love with the aquarium. When playing as Ellie, the place had a super creepy vibe, so I wasn't feeling it. But I was genuinely excited every time I got to visit it as Abby because I LOVE that place. Except for the last time. That sucked.

Not only could you pet dogs, but you could play fetch with them, too. That's fucking awesome. 

I went into the game expecting an established relationship with Ellie and Dina, but I'm really glad I got to witness it blossom. I actually really loved how playful they were with each other, but also how comforting they could be for each other. All the little looks and touches filled my little bi soul with all sorts of warmth and happiness.

Ellie's inability to sleep, her flashbacks, and the note she makes in her journal about finally having a day that she forgets about Seattle all point to the traumatic damage that Joel's death and her revenge quest did to her. When Tommy confronts her about pursuing Abby again, Ellie seems to completely shut down at the idea, and Dina has to take control of the situation. I like the fact that they show the cost of Tommy and Ellie’s vigilante justice, like Ellie’s PTSD, Dina having to take care of Ellie on top of taking care of JJ, the failure of Maria and Tommy’s marriage, or Jesse’s parents having to live with the loss of Jesse. Similarly, Abby sees the same kind of consequences to her pursuit of revenge: she sees the loss of her Firefly friends -- something she clearly hadn’t expected to happen.

For the most part, I didn’t care much about Abby’s friends. I got pretty into Owen’s story, until he was perfectly okay with leaving Mel and his unborn child and running off into the sunset with Abby. I’m not sure how I felt about Mel in the end, and I hated Nora and Manny. However, I really did like to see their perspectives, and I especially liked seeing how much some of them struggled with Abby’s vengeance and torture of Joel. I felt like it gave me a bigger picture of the consequences of Joel’s actions at the end of the first game (and we all had to know there would be SOMETHING).

All of the cutscenes showing Ellie and Joel’s relationship over the years were an absolute delight (even the not so nice ones) because I fully expected to be able to have more Joel and Ellie interaction before his death. I’m sad we didn’t get that, but happy that I could still explore their dynamic through flashbacks. Don’t even get me started on the birthday flashback because I have so much love for that entire scene and will probably replay it more than any other part of the game.

The attention to detail in the environment was so stunning. In one the of the apartments in Seattle during Abby’s playthrough, I saw a tabletop RPG set-up and immediately screenshotted it and sent it to my gamer friend group. All of the lore notes you could pick up and read through with stories about FEDRA, Seraphites, or Wolves really hammered home the idea that each group was at fault for their predicament and contributed to the overall tension and bloodshed. I love the theme that no one is blameless, because in the post-apocalyptic setting, you really wouldn’t expect anyone to be completely innocent. Even going to view the models in extras, you can zoom in and see the level of detail they added -- like JJ actually has blemishes on his face in the one where Dina is holding him. I fucking love it, man.

What I Hated:

When you play through Abby’s story and finally get to the confrontation, the player actually has to continue to play as Abby and attack Ellie. This seemed like a particularly cruel set-up, given that most of the player base is playing this game because they loved Ellie and wanted to continue playing her story. I’ve seen comparisons of the encounter to that of Ellie and David in the first game, but I don’t feel like it’s the right comparison. The mechanics were the same, yes, but the situation is completely different. Yes, in Abby’s story, Ellie is the villain. Ellie murdered her friends. But in the case with Ellie and David, Ellie was a prisoner who then had to fight to get free of him -- Abby is not a prisoner and sought out Ellie on her own.

I understood the chronology of the story, and I enjoyed having the “so she DID know” moment after the game reveals that Ellie knew that Joel had lied before she went to Seattle, but I think that the way the game switched between Ellie and Abby felt very weird. I didn’t exactly rush through Abby’s scenes, but the cliffhanger between Abby pointing a gun at Ellie and then switching to Abby’s story years before felt super jarring, and it made me more resistant to trying to understand Abby at first. I think the switch between perspectives could have been set up differently for a more satisfying playthrough.

I swear to you, I hated the rat king with every fiber of my being. I was already so creeped out by exploring ground zero -- the sheer amount of anxiety I had as I was searching for those damn supplies was intense, and then having to constantly run from the rat king or be killed felt like complete insanity -- and I played on the easiest setting! I wish they had some sort of way to opt out of those things for those interested in seeing the story play out. I know a lot of people who struggle with the combat mechanics but who want to see Ellie’s story.

In fact, slogging through all the infected in general felt really tedious. 

Yara’s death felt like it did absolutely nothing for the plot and only served to further the pain of Abby and Lev. We had already seen how vicious both the Seraphites and the Wolves could be -- the point didn’t need to be driven home by such a senseless death. Even though I also hated Mel’s death, I could see how it played into the confrontation with Abby and Ellie -- why should Abby care about Dina’s pregnancy when Ellie hadn’t extended the same mercy to Mel? Abby couldn’t have known that Ellie didn’t know. But Yara’s death served no good purpose, and I’m still pissed about it. Also, why the fuck would you kill her after the HELL the players go through to get the supplies to save her and actually have Mel be able to save her only to kill her off shortly after? It makes zero sense.

I also really hated Jesse’s death. He seemed like such a good person and his death was so unnecessary -- especially since Tommy got to live. His family and JJ and hell, Ellie and Dina, even, didn’t deserve to lose him, especially as he hadn’t even done anything to Abby. Ugh.

When Tommy pulled out that map and started talking about having a lead, I felt every bit of Dina’s outrage at the situation. Their need for vengeance had already cost everyone so damn much, and it seemed absolutely bonkers that Tommy wanted to go after her again -- especially when he had seemed perfectly okay at the theater to pack up and go home with Abby still alive. He went from “Are you good with that?” about leaving Abby alive to “You made me a promise” to Ellie when Ellie says she won’t. Ellie had Dina, a baby, and some serious PTSD -- she had no business being set back on that path, but Tommy didn’t seem bothered by any of that. 

Was it not enough to make Ellie lose her family, but make her lose her fingers, too? I appreciated the game’s constant insistence on the consequences of your actions in this survive at all costs kind of world, but it seemed like a lot for Ellie to wind up losing her fingers in the end. Blah.

What I Have Mixed Feelings About:

I was not as upset about the ending as most people seem to be. I think it says a lot that Ellie went all that way to Santa Barbara and in the end, spared Abby’s life -- in the same way that Abby initially refused to fight Ellie. It felt like they were both fighting someone else’s fight and were finally tired enough to let it die. It did feel pretty frustrating that she went all the way out there, nearly died, and lost two of her fingers to kill Abby, only to not end up doing it and thus negating the whole damn trip, but I also feel like Ellie needed the sort of closure that trip brought. In the end, it was her decision to let Abby live -- a choice that had not been given to her years prior, when Joel took her from that hospital. I like to think that she finally understood Joel’s decision.

When Dina refused to support Ellie going back after Abby, I wasn’t surprised, and I didn’t really blame her. I was even pissed that Ellie chose to go after what had happened last time, and I couldn’t really understand why she’d be so willing to leave her family behind when this had already played out so poorly for her before. I also wasn’t surprised when Ellie returned to find an empty house -- I’d imagine that taking care of a farm and a baby at the same time would likely be too much for Dina, and I just assume she moved back to Jackson, where she’d have help. Either way, I’d love to know if Dina was fully done with Ellie for good, or if she’d accept her back if Ellie went to find her. I know that the loss of their relationship is a direct result of Ellie’s actions and the fact that she prioritized killing Abby over staying with her family, but goddammit, I just want a happy lgbt ending for once.

I was genuinely excited to have a trans character in the game. I cannot express enough how much I adore Lev. In a way, his and Abby’s relationship reminds me a lot of Joel and Ellie’s in the first game. They depend on each other, and they obviously really care about each other. One of the things that super bothered me was the storyline with his mother. We already know that he’s pretty much cast out and hunted for being trans -- so we can see the horror of it. It was rough enough to know that his own mother could turn away from him and condemn him like all the rest, but having her attack him and forcing him to kill her in self-defense felt like a lot. I just can’t imagine how triggering that might feel for trans people playing the game.

[badass-women-league]

TIVALI

8- The Wedding

She was nervous. She never thought she would be in that position one day. This wedding was actually the first she attended to and she was the bride. She loved Tony and Tony loved her, she had no idea why she was nervous. People are usually nervous about being dumped at the altar but Ziva knew there was no risk of this happening. First because Tony loved her too much and second because he knew this would be like signing his death warrant. She hasn't seen Tony last night and she was missing him. She was checking her dress in the mirror. She slowly rubbed her belly and smiled. Her 5 months old pregnancy was clearly noticeable through the fabric of her dress. She was now questioning all the choice she had made about this wedding. Her dress, her makeup, her hair. The door opened behind her and Abby and Ellie came in. When Abby saw Ziva she rushed to her and hugged her firmly. Ziva moaned. Ellie complained:

-"Easy Abs! You gonna mess with her hair"

Abby said:

-"oh my god Ziva! You look amazing! That dress, your hair! Tony is gonna die when he's gonna see you"

Ziva smiled:

-"I would rather not Abby!"

Abby was not releasing her grasp. Still locked into her arm, Ziva tried to move her head to look at Ellie. Ellie asked with a benevolent smile:

-"You ready ? Everyone is waiting for you"

Ziva took a deep breath:

-"I am"

Ellie cleared her throat to get Abby's attention.

-"Hm.. Hm..."

It didn't work. She called quietly first:

-"Abby..."

Then she shouted:

-"ABBY !"

Abby jumped and turned to Ellie who gestured in to door direction and said:

-"we have to go"

When she walked out from the room Gibbs was waiting for her. He was pacing nervously through the lobby. When she appeared he froze. She was absolutely stunning. He had never seen her so radiant. She shyly smiled and walked to him. He took her hands in his and kissed her cheek carefully not to mess with her makeup. He never got the chance to walk Kelly down the aisle but he knew she would be happy to see him walking Ziva down the aisle as his own daughter. He looked at her with a lot of pride. They have been through so much together. Tears, blood, lose and pain. He wouldn't be there without her and she would not be there without him. They have sacrificed a lot over the year and they were finally getting the reward for those sacrifices. They always had a special relationship. She was like a daughter to him and he was the father she never really had. Someone who cares, someone who protects her, someone she can count on. As he once said, family is more than just D.N.A and he gave her that family she ever wished for. People who care and protect each other, no matter what. It was finally time for her to be happy. A tear rolled down her cheek. He wiped it away and held his arm out. She grabbed it with a smile and followed him.

Tony was standing in front of the arch in a beautiful black suits. The arch was full of white flowers. The weather was sunny. The wedding was taking places in a beautiful garden in front of a lake. In front of the arch was standing Jimmy Palmer, ready to celebrate his friends marriage. Next to Tony was Mcgee. He glanced at Delilah and winked to her in remembrance of their own wedding. It was a pretty intimate wedding. Tony was nervous. He knew there was nothing to be worried about but he had never done this before. Abby and Ellie came back and smiled at Tony. He smiled back at them. If they were smiling then it was a good sign. Then Tali appeared holding a basket of flowers. She was scattering flowers on her way down the aisle. His first thought was that she was looking so much like Ziva. A mini version of his lovely ninja. Tony took a deep breath. It was happening, Ziva would appear any minute from now. Mcgee placed his hand in Tony's shoulder as Ziva and Gibbs appeared. Tony's heart stopped. She was beautiful. Mcgee leaned to him and whispered:

-"you are a lucky man"

Everyone stood up and looked at them as they walked down the aisle. Once they have reached Tony, Gibbs placed a kiss on Ziva's cheek and held his hand out to Tony. Tony shook Gibbs' hand with a proud smile. Gibbs gave Ziva's hand to Tony and whispered:

-"she's all yours"

-"thanks boss"

He smiled at her. The only thing he could think right now was his will and need to kiss her. He felt like he was suffocating and the only thing that could help him to survive this was her lips. This would have to wait until she was finally his wife.

Tony was clearly intimidated. She was mind-blowing. He smiled and whispered:

-"that's a beautiful dress.."

Ziva smiled in remembrance of their valentine's day discussion about Ziva's dresses that were not lasting long on her when Tony was around. Tony's eyes were locked on Ziva's. Those eyes have seen so much horror but right now the only thing Tony could see was tears of happiness. They couldn't stop smiling to each other like teenagers. They had both been very nervous about this moment but now that they were finally reunited this feeling had faded away. Jimmy started his speech. But they were too focused on each other to listen. He talked about the fact that he had been their confident for more than 8 years and that he had never seen two people so in love and so blind about it at the same time. They have been chasing each other for years and now they had finally found each other. Tali was standing with Ellie and Abby on Ziva's side. She was looking at her mother as if she was the princess of a fairytale. Jimmy's speech goes on and on when suddenly Ziva's eyes widen. She looked almost shocked. Tony was confused. He anxiously whispered:

-"what's wrong ?"

-"it moved"

-"what"

-"the baby. He's moving"

Ziva grabbed Tony's hand and placed it on her belly. It was the first time she felt it moving and she couldn't wait to make Tony feel it. Jimmy, as the rest of the guests, was confused. He asked:

-"something's wrong ?"

The baby kicked and Tony lost his mind. He shouted:

-"I FELT IT!! MY BABY IS MOVING !! MY BABY IS MOVING GUYS !!"

Everyone laughed and cheered. Tony asked Tali to come to place her hand on her mom's belly. They really wanted her to be a part of every step of Ziva's pregnancy. She giggled as she felt it kicking inside.

The ceremony resumed to where they left it before the kicking and it was now time for them to exchange their vows. Tony started first:

-"I am usually pretty good at this. Talking is usually my thing but when I see you here, in that dress, carrying our second child I have no words to describe this moment. You were a stranger, you became my coworker, my partner, my best friend, my love, my soulmate, the mother of my child. You already are my future and today I am so proud to take you as my wife. From now on, I promise that I'll always be that class clown that you love so much, I'll keep on getting you mad with my jokes and I'll keep on teaching them to our kids and I promise that I will only live by one rule: I will do everything in my power to protect you and our children and I will love you everyday for the rest of my life"

Ziva's eyes were full of tears. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She wanted to kiss him so bad. She cleared her voice and started:

-"Tony. You have made me the woman I am today.

You've taught me so much. You've taught me how to be myself, you've taught me how to be a good partner, you've taught me how to love but more important you've taught me about movies.." Everyone laughed. "you've made me a better woman, you've made a mother and now a wife. You've given me all the things I have stopped wishing for. You always had my back and you saved me in every way a person can be saved. I promise that I will keep on loving you even when you are driving me crazy, even when you are correcting my english, even when you act like a child. Tony DiNozzo I promise that I will always love you and I dare you not to make a movie reference right now"

Tony smiled, he was really fighting the urge to make a movie reference. She knew him by heart and she herself used movie references in her wedding vows which was basically the most beautiful way of showing her love to him.

Their eyes were locked on each other's. McGee who was in charge of the ring called Tali and gave them to her. She looked so proud when she walked to her parents. Tony grabbed Ziva's ring and took a deep breathe. This ring meant so much more to him. He took her hand and slowly slid it on her ring finger. She did the same for him. Once the rings where in place it was time for the kiss. Tony and Ziva were smiling at each other, waiting for Jimmy to say the words. Tony and Ziva looked at each other both very confused that it took him so much time to say the words. Jimmy was just smiling and looking at his friends, enjoying the moment. He had clearly forgotten that he was the one in charge of the ceremony. McGee cough to make him come back to his sense:

-"oh .. I am sorry guys.. you may now kiss the bride"

FINALLY ! Tony grabbed Ziva's face and kissed her. It was as if he had been crossing the desert with no water and Ziva's lips were his oasis.

As they were still kissing Jimmy said:

-"ladies and gentlemen, friends and family. It is my honor to present you for the first time: Mr and Mrs DiNozzo"

Tony took Ziva's hand and waved it to the hair to show everyone that she was finally his wife. Everyone applauded and cheered. Tony grabbed Tali. He had now the two most important women in his life next to him.

[chachkayes]

The Perfect Christmas

IT’S DONE! With 5 minutes to spare on Christmas day, the Merhayes fic is finally done. I won’t ramble too much, but this is super fluffy and domestic, and I think I’m happy with the result, despite my lack of a festive mood today. I hope you all enjoy!

“Momma! Hayes! It’s time to wake up!” Ellis Shepherd yelled as she knocked furiously on the door to her mother’s bedroom. A few seconds later, her brother and sister came scampering up behind her and started pounding on the door along with her. It was 6:30am on Christmas day. Meredith had woken herself and her boyfriend up approximately 15 minutes before she expected her young children to come barging into the room, demanding that they open presents.  “Right on time.” Meredith said with a laugh as she got up to open the door. This had become routine for her since Zola was old enough to understand that Christmas morning meant she was about to get spoiled rotten. Then, of course, Bailey joined her, and now Ellis was finally getting to the age where she understood the magic around Christmas.

Cormac Hayes hadn’t had to deal with children pestering him to open presents since his boys were much younger. He had been able to set boundaries and rules with them. Christmas hadn’t really felt the same since Abigail had passed away anyways, so their festivities hadn’t been incredibly spectacular in the past few years. That all changed when he fell in love with Meredith Grey. They’d been together for almost 4 years, but this was their first Christmas living together with their family under one roof. Previous Christmases were usually spent apart in the morning, then going over to one of their houses for dinner and gift exchanges in the evening.

Meredith opened the door to her room and the children bolted in, immediately jumping on the bed. She returned to her side of the bed and laid back down, just as Ellis flung herself onto her mom. Meredith laughed and hugged her youngest daughter. “Can we open presents now?!” Bailey said as he laid down dramatically at the end of the bed. “Austin and Liam aren’t up yet. We have to wait for them first.” Hayes reminded Bailey with a smile. “We also have to wait until after breakfast.” Meredith added on. Ellis had fully sprawled herself out over her mother’s body and was hugging her, and Meredith gladly kept her arms wrapped around her and snuggled with her baby girl. Zola sat herself up at the top of the bed, which was her usual spot. “What time are we making breakfast?” Bailey questioned. The two adults looked at each other and laughed as Bailey kept asking more and more questions. “Soon, buddy. Why don’t you and your sisters go play in your rooms for a little bit, while we get dressed, and then we’ll call you guys down to help us make breakfast when we start.” Meredith’s kids loved helping her and Hayes in the kitchen, so she knew that by offering to let them help, they’d listen and give her enough time to properly wake up.

As she suspected, the kids sat up eagerly, and after a chorus of eager okays from the three small children, they jumped off the bed and darted to their rooms. Meredith stretched and moved over into her boyfriend’s embrace. “I know I told them we’d get up, but I really do not want to move.” She said as Hayes wrapped his arm around her waist, and she nuzzled her head into his neck. “Well, it won’t hurt to stay here for a few more minutes.” He told her, kissing her forehead. So, for a few more minutes, they laid together in complete silence. They liked to take a few moments every morning and treat it as if it were their first time waking up next to each other. It’d only been something they’d started doing 7 months prior, when they first moved in together, but ever since then, neither of them could remember a period of time where they weren’t waking up beside each other, cuddling and kissing. “Merry Christmas, I love you.” Meredith whispered before closing the gap between their lips. “I love you too. Merry Christmas.” He whispered back as they pulled away. “I guess we should probably get up and get dressed now, shouldn’t we?” Meredith said, rolling over in their bed. Hayes caught her waist and rolled her back over, kissing her again on the lips and on her neck. “Okay, now we can get up.” He said with a laugh as he pulled away from Meredith and pushed himself out of bed. Meredith tried to glare at him with no avail, since she immediately broke out into a bright smile the moment he turned around and caught her gaze.

Finally, they’d both gotten up, and the younger children had met them eagerly downstairs. Breakfast that morning had consisted of Belgian waffles, bacon, sausages, strawberries and blueberries, as well as orange juice. All of which was made by either Hayes, Zola, or Liam, who’d be woken up by the sound of Bailey and Ellis scream giggling as they poked Meredith and ran away. After breakfast had been made, all the kids eagerly made their way into the living room and crowded around the Christmas tree, which had been stuffed with presents. Each kid had gotten 2 big gifts, and several other smaller gifts; Liam had received a brand-new Apple watch as a joint gift from his dad and Meredith, and a new gaming PC that was just from his dad. Austin had received a new skateboard, and the new gaming console he’d been hinting at Hayes to buy all throughout November and December. Zola received a new iPod, and a swinging rope hammock chair that she could hang in her room. Bailey got a new remote-controlled car that both Meredith and Hayes knew would find its way into every room in the house at some point in the next 2 days, along with a Nintendo switch that he could play Mario Kart on. Ellis had gotten new rose gold Beats headphones, along with a new guitar that came with promises for lessons.

After almost 40 minutes of going around and letting each kid individually unwrap all their presents, there were only 2 gifts left under the tree. Meredith and Hayes’ gifts for each other. Meredith passed the box over to her boyfriend and smiled as she watched him unwrap it. It was a new watch that he’d been eyeing for a few months, that had been engraved with “C, M, L, A, Z, B, E – to new beginnings,.” with a small heart on the bottom.

“There’s also a little A on the hand dial for Abby.” She pointed out. Hayes quickly wiped the tears forming in his eye as he looked over the engravings. “Oh, I love it so much. I love you, thank you.” He put it on his wrist, and then kissed his girlfriend in front of all of the kids, prompting ‘ew’s’ from everyone, which they laughed at and then kissed again. Hayes leaned over and grabbed the small box under the tree that was for Meredith and took a deep breath as she unwrapped it. She opened the lid of the box and her jaw dropped. She silently looked over at Hayes and then back at the box, eyes wide. Two tickets to Zurich, Switzerland. 

“Oh my god.” Meredith said once she finally processed what she was looking at. “What is it mommy?” Zola asked. “Tickets to Switzerland.” She responded breathlessly. “Like it?” Hayes asked, with a slight laugh and his signature smirk. “Like it?! I don’t know if anything could have been more perfect. I love it.” She said, hugging him. “We leave in two weeks, and we’re there for 2 weeks afterwards. I figured while we’re there, we could take a couple of days to go to Paris, and then take a flight to Ireland. I want to introduce you to my family. They’ve been begging me for the past 2 years to take you.” He explained. Meredith was rendered speechless. “I can’t believe this.” 

“Believe it. And don’t tell Yang, it’s a bit of a surprise. Also, even though it’s totally cheesy, we’ll likely be in Paris on our anniversary.” Meredith kissed him again. “You really know how to one up me on gifts, don’t you?” She asked sarcastically. “Mm, I have to be better than you at something.” He fired back through a laugh. “Thank you. I can’t wait, for everything.” Meredith meant what she said – she really didn’t know if she could wait another 2 weeks to travel and see her best friend, meet her boyfriend’s family, and spend their 4th anniversary in Paris (which, she agreed, was totally cheesy – but she didn’t care). She was also incredibly excited to get some alone time with Hayes. They’d definitely be making the most of that. “Merry Christmas” He said as he kissed her forehead and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “Merry Christmas, my love.” She said, resting her head on his shoulder.

The rest of the day was spent helping the kids set up all their new toys and technology, as well as get some things ready for dinner with Amelia, Link, a now 4 ½ year old Scout, and their 6-month-old daughter Charlotte, as well as Maggie, Winston, and their 5-week-old daughter Dianna. The whole day was filled with laughs and love, and they couldn’t have asked for anything more. This truly was the most perfect Christmas Meredith and Hayes could have dreamed of.

[starlessskies94]

Consequence (Joel Miller x OC)

Summary: What if Joel survived his injuries from the Abby and Fireflies attack but ends up with really bad amnesia. He can’t remember his wife, Ellie, or the Outbreak; only before. How will his family bring back the man they once knew?

Pairing: Joel Miller x OC

Note: Okay this is a sad one and I'm sorry Joel :(

Chapter Three

Joel felt out of place the second he walked through the damn door. It had been how ever many weeks since his accident and the next thing Joel knew, he was being taken to a house that was apparently his.

“Here we go. Home sweet home.” Tommy mumbled as he unlocked the door and stepped inside waiting for his brother to follow. He did, albeit slowly, on the crutches he’d been given from his time at the Infirmary while his leg healed. Joel stood in the doorway looking around the place. It was big, spacious and very well lit. There was a strange warmth to the house he felt itching in his mind, perhaps a sense of familiarity but it was faint and fleeting when he glanced back to his younger brother.

“So this place is mine huh? Have I lived here long?”

“Uhh yeah, just over four years…”

The older man just nodded. His voice dropping back into its usual gruff manner.

“Alright then. Do I live alone? Or with someone?”

Tommy flinched at the question but thankfully Joel either didn’t notice or simply chose not to pull him up on it. If the younger Miller was being honest, he had no idea how to answer. When Joel had woken up, he’d just assumed Ada was part of the Infirmary staff and when Ada had taken the decision to distance herself from Joel while he healed one step at a time, there had really been no reason to correct him. Instead only informing him she was a volunteer sometimes but worked in the stables as her main job. He had taken that as fact and moved on. He cleared his throat and led his big brother further into the home while forcing the most genuine smile he could muster without causing alarm.

“You know, why don’t I leave you a while to get reacquainted with the place.” He offered, trying to change the subject. “Look around...maybe you’ll remember something.” Joel simply hummed lowly in reply. His hazel eyes once again darting around the rooms as he grew more uneasy.

“You... uh... need any help getting around the place?” Tommy asked quietly. His hand rubbing awkwardly at his neck while fidgeting in place where he stood. “Those stairs are pretty-”

“I’m fine Tommy, I don’t need babysitting alright.” Joel cut off hastily. He was getting frustrated with all the coddling and while he was grateful to Tommy for looking after him during his time stuck in the Infirmary; he just wanted to get on with things now. Thankfully Tommy seemed to understand this, knowing his brother as well as he did. A small grin twitching at his lips to see his big brother was still the same stubborn bastard he’d been before. Good to know some things never change he supposed.

“Okay I’ll leave you to it then; I’ll swing round later to check in on you alright?”

Once again Joel just grumbled in reply but it was enough for Tommy and he turned to leave the older man to it. Leaving his keys on the side table in the hallway before stepping out and closing the door behind him.

Joel left all alone with his muddled thoughts. It was strange being in a house he didn’t recognise, yet there were traces of him all over the place. His boots sat by the door, his favourite books on the bookshelf behind the couch. Favourite movies piled up next to the TV, his preferred whiskey in the dining room along with that same damn bourbon he and Tommy always drank together at New Years.

There was freshly washed laundry folded and stacked in a basket by the backdoor with fishing gear, all packed and ready to go. It was odd walking around as he did. He felt like he was intruding.

The only sounds in the quiet home being the scuffs of his heavy boots and crutches scraping across the wooden floor the further he ventured in. It was a struggle getting up the stairs with his bad leg protesting as much as it did but Joel’s curiosity was getting the better of him as he climbed to explore the upper floor.

He paused on the landing to catch his breath after the small effort of reaching the top of the stairs drained his already dwindling energy. He took a moment to pace him as he grit his teeth and breathed lowly through the throbbing in his busted leg. Turning by the side table and looking down at the picture of him and his brother. Tommy was smiling leaning over a fence while Joel stood beside him, a small grin of his own, holding a cup of coffee in his hands. It was strange looking at a picture he couldn’t even remember being taken. Where were they? What were they doing? Who even took the picture?!

Joel rubbed at his tired eyes in a feeble attempt to fight away an oncoming headache. He figured now was a good time to try to find his bedroom as it was clear he’d already overexerted himself for the day; despite the fact that he’d done so little. But the man was still recovering and Joel knew it would take some time yet before he completely regained his strength.

He pushed himself forward towards the door in front of him, but instead of being greeted by a bedroom was met with something of a workshop.

An array of tools, books and paints all across the room, freshly crafted guitars hung on the wall, along with some half finished, that lay on the counter tops. Wood chippings littering the floor by the window as he looked closer to see a number of animal carvings on a shelf, another of a cowboy riding a horse, simply copied free handed it looked like, from the illustrations in a book and papers propped up on the side.

Did he do all this? He wondered. This was getting surreal and Joel could’t stop the spinning of his head as he tried to process everything. His headache creeping back with a touch of nausea pulling at his stomach.

There was clearly a life lived here; but it wasn’t his. His life was back in Texas with Sarah. Except of course...it wasn’t, not anymore. And it pained Joel every time he had to remind himself of that. His fingers instinctively brushing against the broken watch on his wrist. Another sharp pang of grief hitting him; as he tried desperately to remember how it had broken in the first place...once again...nothing.

He couldn’t take it anymore, waking up in a world, a whole damn town he didn’t know. Neighbours and supposed friends he didn’t recognise. Learning that his baby girl was gone and that it had happened almost twenty five fucking years ago!

It wasn’t fair! Joel didn’t want this...he wanted to go home. Where everything made sense and to a life he knew.

He didn’t understand why it was suddenly gone or who had been responsible for taking it from him. His lip curled in a snarl as his whole body trembled with anger, fists clenching and pulling his crutches, throwing them aside as they ricocheted against the wall. He threw himself forward, arms reaching out to push away any tools, papers or crafts he could get his hands on.

The unfinished guitar splintering into pieces on the floor with the other pieces strewn about the room.

Joel heaved a deep sobbing breath as he took in the destruction he had caused, his chest rapidly rising and falling as the anger in his blood slowly dissipated. His leg buckled from under him as he let himself collapse with his back against the door, sat silently.

Every inch of him ached and hurt. He didn’t think he could do this, trying to remember the years of a life he couldn’t recall ever having. What if the memories never came back? What if he was cursed to live this way forever.

Always closed off to a part of himself that was now a stranger to him. Or maybe whatever had happened to him was just too painful... Joel had to consider the possibility that perhaps that part of him didn’t want to remember.

Maybe it didn’t matter. In that moment he didn’t even bother to wipe away the tears of frustration and sadness that welled in his eyes. There was no longer any shame in it. After all there was no one there to judge him for it anyway. Now that Sarah was gone, Joel was alone. Sure he had Tommy but he had his own family now, it had been a shock to learn that his brother was married but Maria seemed nice nonetheless. And it wasn’t his job to look after Joel, no matter how much he insisted that it was. Joel rubbed roughly at his eyes the more he thought about it.

In that moment he decided he wouldn’t burden Tommy with his recovery any longer. Joel could take care of himself. Perhaps being alone was what he deserved anyway, if someone had attacked him, they’d obviously had a damned good reason for it. Maybe this was the punishment they’d wanted for him all along.

Alone. With no family left of his own.

“Yeah maybe that was it.”