#but yall ARE annoying and I put myself in the annoying category too btw

[the-patrex]

Love tht I have both rtd haters and chibs haters in my dash, keeps me grounded abt how annoying we as a fandom are

[dekumidoriyall]

despite some ykw talk, this is gonna be a mostly about my faith tbh.

This asshat. how convenient that he mentions his FOREARMS, lest we forget about a previous post... Continuing on.

Same old same old EXCEPT THIS TIME Instead of just our usual surface laughs and elementary knee touches, we actually had a lot of insightful conversation. Like I felt I got to know who he is and his values a bit better what makes him who he is. AND YA know your girl is an even bigger sucker for character than she is for forearms.

So roll your eyes twenty times for me please. Bc I went in there like "HEY GIRL, I know he's hot and cute and funny so just don't fall more " you know, a little mental prep so I'm unfazed. BUT GUESS WHAT. The universe or whatever is in charge of making my life a little more complicated was like "well guess what? We're gonna bring out the big guns (not AJs biceps, which look great too btw but damn those forearms. LORD HELP ME. And I do mean it, like Jesus please) we're gonna let aj open up a bit more and yall are gonna get along so fuckin well" AND GUESS WHAT. We did. I was just like HA THIS GUY IS GREAT AND literally EVERYTHING I was asking for.... Before I fell in love with God.

Because now I gotta get MYSELF straight first off. Because I've been asking for the right person instead of BECOMING the right person. So lately it's like well whoever God has planned for me is probs pretty great, so I gotta be great too. Bc let's be honest, I want a dope ass fuckin family. I want a hot husband and cute kids and make fresh squeezed fuckin orange juice and have a nice lil deck with a dog or two or three. BUT THATS like down the line so right now I'm focused on becoming the version of me that God has called me to be.

But not gonna lie aj looked so comfy I literally just wanted to doze off on his shoulder. And I love having him in my life you know. So even as friends, I feel good hanging with him. He gives a lot of good insight, is someone I can be myself with, and ya know is a general cutie pie in general. But he also helps make me a better person (I won't tell him this bc it'll only boost his ego) but I'm like damn that mofo doesn't take failure as an option at all. But it's so inspiring! In a way bc he works hard. You can't tell him shit bc he does it all on his own. And I like that. I used to wanna be that way

And in a way I still do. But i always wanna give glory to God you know. I want to ask help from God. In my daily life. I want THAT relationship [with God] more than anything. And I kinda now want that in a guy tbh, someone who will not only motivate me in my world pursuits like my physical goals or my career goals, but someone who will encourage me to uplift my spirit. And if I want a guy like that, I gotta be a girl like that too you know. Give and take baby. So I gotta start becoming the frequency and vibration that I want to attract.

Don't get me wrong, my feelings are still what I've said. Maybe not blatantly but you all know. I just also know that (from past experience) God provides more than I need. And that he makes all things work together for good.

Like kyle for instance, the third (the last) time more specifically. I didn't wanna go through that. I specifically prayed GOD please don't let him come into my life to just wreck it again. did God put him there or did the enemy? WHO knows but what I do know is there was a lot of pain and shit and I didn't necessarILY think I needed to go through That but God was like "look jazz I know YOU don't understand why this is happening to you but I gotchu, don't worry. Your pain ain't permanent " AND what should have wrecked me, changed my life completely. I can 100% say after that last annoying fucking time, it taught me so much (that apparently the three years prior didn't >.>) and I just grew a lot after that. Mentally, spiritually, and physically.

So even when I don't understand "why", I have to keep moving and working and getting to know Him so that he can continue to bless me. I pray to God that I don't lose my fire for him this time. But it feels different it's not just a fire that leaves me as soon as I close my Bible or leave church. It's constant lately. Not always like holy spirit hot (bc boy I've been there and sweat through my shirt) but like a pot set on simmer. And not just fire but a wholeness, and this Love. I've never I guess fully understood His Love for me bc you know people are always telling you "God loves you" and it's like yeah I get it you bought it at hobby lobby it's on your wall I get it.

BUT I DID NOT.

Now I do get it, and am truly starting to understand when everyone is like "his love is true and all-encompassing.." Yada Yada. Like you hear that shit all the fuckin time and not gonna lie sometimes Im like ok what is that gonna do for me... Oh young naive me. EVERYTHING. Wow. You have no need for anyone else with him. But god is so nice he's like "look I know I'm the best friend you'll ever need but here are some asshats and knuckle heads to keep ya company. And he loves me SO MUCH that he's like "I also wanna make you grow as a person so here are a few challenges along the way not meant to hurt you but to grow you" so all these fuckin obstacles there are, God sent or hell sent or because of my own stupidity sent. I'm gonna be like BRING IT ON. I'm not worried so much anymore. I could literally go on.

Anyway, all I'm saying is if aj actually didn't stop whatever we were doing to focus on him and stuff, which of course sucked emotionally for me, i wouldnt have had the chance to, one, focus on myself bc I'd be so focused on him. 2, wouldn't have reached back out to God. And 3, truly enjoyed building a good friendship with aj. AM I scared that we might be teetering into the friendzone category? Am I worried that that's all it'll ever be? HELL FUCKING YES. I'M TERRIFIED AS HELL WHAT TF U TALKIN BOUT. I like that dude so fucking much it makes mad sometimes. BUT! Instead of anxiety or any of that negative shit, God's replaced it with a nonchalant "don't worry I got it" and listen. It's like when your super lucky (usually stoned) friend who you don't quite know how they get away with shit or get anything done right ever were to tell you this. You never know just quite how things are going to work out until they surprisingly do at the very end. But the whole time you're like ALRIGHT this isn't looking how I wanted it to. But then it comes out better and you got a few extra dollars to spend on snacks. So Idk HOW it'll work out and maybe it won't be the way I planned or wanted it to, but I have faith it'll be better. But you can't just reap a reward you haven't put in work for.

So it all comes back to focusing on me, which is easy bc the boy i like maybe probably has feelings for me and it doesn't change anything. And this is literally probably the only position God could have put me in for me to finally get all my shit together and get back to Him. So tbh its working to be good so far. :)