#but yeah! this is for the valvert week thing that’s happening

[secretmellowblog]

Tomorrow I will be posting a Les Mis fanfiction largely inspired by this post!

Unlike everything I’ve written before, it’s beta read and also written in a style a bit closer to Victor Hugo’s. Mark your calendars, etc etc 😂

[pilferingapples]

Les Mis 2k 3.3: Make It Stop

warning for  illness, depression, character death and  abuse and incest mentions under the cut, because oh yeah, this disaster is GOING THERE. 

OKAY.

Valjean goes over to talk to Marius and the servants at Maison Gillenormand are like "haha, he's still asleep after a long night bangin' your daughter, hahah, good for him, right? NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK" which like..why. Who does that. No. 

but eventually Marius comes down and Valjean is all WELL YOU LOOK HAPPY (because you're banging my daughter)  (no seriously this is strongly informing Valjean's delivery)  and Marius is like YES but I will never be TRULY HAPPY until I find the man who saved me from the sewers! And...

oh gad 

okay I"m gonna have to basically transcribe this to get across the sheer levels of NOPE 

Valjean tells Marius that JAVERT IS THE ONE WHO SAVED MARIUS.   Marius: ...that makes little or no sense.  Valjean: it's super true tho.  Marius: ..he killed many of my comrades.  Valjean: you can be mistaken about people.

OKAY so FIRST: No, Javert didn't kill ANYONE, even in this trainwreck, second WHY ARE YOU LYING TO MARIUS ABOUT THIS 

We will never know, because Valjean leads from that straight into "I was in a convict labor camp" and the whole bread thief-and-escapes thing 

Marius , to his credit, responds along the lines of"Well that's a thing that happens, society is so cruel, I totally understand why you kept that secret and it sucks that you suffered this way!" 

Valjean, DIRECT QUOTE:  You're too soft, Marius. You should become harsh, even ruthless. 

YEAH MARIUS, THE WORLD NEEDS MORE CRUELT.Y. THE TRUE MESSAGE OF LES MISERABLES. 

Anyway Valjean goes on to tell Marius that Everything is a Lie, and that he, Valjean, doesn't even know Cosette's real name (what? dude yes you do) and that he "bought her for 1500 francs"

Marius, horrified: LIKE AN ANIMAL? 

Valjean, trying desperately to climb back on a tall equine:  ANIMALS ARE TREATED BETTER THAN SHE WAS THERE

Anyway Marius is like "it's chill, dadbro, Cosette will never hear about it from me, your business is your business--anyway why'd you even tell me?"  And Valjean is like "BECAUSE I'M LONELY AND MY BOYFRIEND DIED ;__; "

No seriously , more Actual Dialogue: 

Valjean: You have no idea how horrible it can be to be the only one who knows who I really am... Javert knew, but he died...

--OH YEAH I forgot to mention when Valjean was talking to Gillenormand he had a whole speech about how he thought Javert knew him, really KNEW HIM, but it turns out *sob*  Javert really neverrrrr saw him theeeeeere and it's SUPER WEIRD , SUDDEN VALVERT OUT OF NOWHERE anyway moving on 

Marius is like "o...kay....but like there's no reason to tell me in particular" which is SUPER TRUE this is a crappy thing to dump on him , dude, he was in a coma two weeks ago , but then Valjean is like "I need you... to help me leave Cosette. I don't want to go, but I could ruin everything" and Marius, bless him , is Not About That and doesn't see the need, he's all "...I don't want to hurt you??"

AND THEN okay I Need a Moment To Prepare  *deep breath* AND THEN 

...MORE ACTUAL DIALOGUE:

Valjean: ...I love Cosette.

Marius: YES! As a father! (like obviously dude) 

Valjean: No. I...loooooooove Cosette. 

Marius, making exactly the same expression all of us are making right now: I'D PREFER IT IF YOU'D LEAVE. 

LES MISERABLES, BY V. C. ANDREWS 

and then instead of the usual endgame with Valjean sadly trying to cut himself off from Cosette, we get Creepy Pedo Valjean coming back to the house and trying to worm his way back in while Marius, stuck with a really appalling secret and trying to protect his wife, has to..sfkhsghk...has to cockblock Valjean  REGARDING HIS OWN DAUGHTER and THIS IS THE WORST WORST THING 

Valjean: so heyyyy has she...asked about me yet? is she missing me??? What'd you tell her, has she realized I'm really still here?

Marius: I told her you're in London on business and I lost the letter you wrote. I'm distracting her with parties and good times so she can forget you (you creepy creeper). 

Valjean: tsk, you're not going to make her so shallow. And I have to come home from London sommmme tiiiiime ; ) ;) ;)

Marius: YOU CAN LEAVE AGAIN. YOU CAN LEAVE FOREVER. 

Valjean: hahah nooo I caaan't, you have all my moneyyy

and then there's a whole IIIIII DON'T WANT YOUR BLOOD MONEY exchange, and it all ends in Valjean taking back Cosette's dowry AND THEN HE ASKS FOR HIS CANDLESTICKS BACK and Marius is like FINE WHATEVER JUST GO A W A Y and I have never sympathized with a Marius giving JVJ the cold shoulder SO MUCH 

and! I can tell! this adaptation wants us to just sort of forget the incest thing! but YOU CANNOT UNFIRE THAT CANNON, MINISERIES. Not when the whole thing's been rife with Valjean ogling Cosette and making jokes about how she shouldn't be in his bed WHEN SHE WAS AN ACTUAL CHILD and comparing her to her lost hot mom and screaming at her when she talked to other people and sending another old man to stalk her and report on her 

you have lost all plausible deniability and this isn't an Okay Thing!! At all!! you cannot make it ok!

..but this miniseries is gonna try. 

First it has Gillenormand's servant go to the Rue Plumet with the candlesticks and apparently tell?? Gillenormand? that Valjean is in a bad way? And Gillenormand cares, and sends a doctor over, and when Marius finds out he's like wtf, we don't need to have anything to do with that guy, and there's a whole argument with Marius and Gillenormand where Marius CAN"T SAY WHY HE'S MAD ABOUT IT and it's just. So upsetting. 

There's a whole thing with Cosette crying because her TERRIBLE STALKER DAD doesn't love her anymore , and if this were any other adaptation I'd just be so sad with her, and I'm STILL sad with her but now it's because she's got a TERRIBLE STALKER DAD and is so deep in the shadow of his abuse that she doesn't even realize how he treated her was wrong

Marius goes on just treading water family-secrets wise and Valjean goes on dying in private until Thenardier shows up and is like I KNOW YOUR FAMILY'S WORST SECRET and Marius is like I BET YOU DOOOOON'T THOUGH and EVEN HERE is like "yeah yeah Valjean stole  bread, he paid for it , he paid more than you'll ever pay, don't try to make him look worse than he is"

like it is HIGHLY ESTABLISHED that Marius doesn't care about Valjean's criminal record or social standing;  he doesn't think Valjean killed Javert; he doesn't KNOW about Madeleine; there is NOTHING LEFT for him to dislike Valjean for except that Valjean is, you know. A Creepy Creeper. Which is exceptionally valid! 

AND YET, because we've just got to go through the Stations of the Canon, Thenardier's AHA BUT HE SAVED YOU FROM THE SEWERS makes Marius go "ugh, FINE" and tell Cosette that Valjean's there 

(so they rush over with Cosette in her nightdress? AAAAH) 

And then Marius even SAYS he was scared when Valjean said he loved Cosette?? and Cosette is like "...I don't understand but I'm pissed" which is TOTALLY FAIR but also like ...just to be clear...there is going to be ZERO closure on the whole "Valjean wants to molest his actual daughter" thing

we DO get Marius saying "My grandfather is a better person than me" 

and we DO get TEN MINUTES of The Worst Valjean dying and rambling on about how no one appreciated him, and Cosette's a Bad Girl for not telling him he was hot sooner, 

and Valjean saying he's never managed to forgive IN HIS LIFE holy shit? holy shit 

anyway, IN CONCLUSION, Redemption is impossible, once a thief forever a thief, social change is an illusion, and Jean Valjean only loves Cosette because Cosette reminds him of her dead mother, who he only met while she was sick and dying.  We’re all damned and deserve it and that’s totally the point of Les Miserables. AND YET WAIT, A GLIMMER OF HOPE AFTER ALL:

it is for me! I AM OUT OF HERE. GOODBYE, TERRIBLE ADAPTATION! GOODBYE.