#can't wait to tell my prof that this is the worst book i ever had to read tomorrow

[thewritingpossum]

[neurotheascars]

I'm going to write about a complicated memory time I'm having as an endogenic non human alter, for science, and it's not nice, but I'm being vulnerable here so I can unpack this a little. Feel free to chime in if you have had a similar experience or know what causes this sort of thing.

So like, body has autism, I've accepted that that means I have autism, but like... My ASD symptoms as a child were very much me "being an alien" in my memory. And even to this day, logically, I know it's an autism thing but it still feels like an alien thing.

So when I was in 1st grade, I'm sure I was not the only one in the body at this point, but I remember doing this (very mean, I'll admit) thing in elementary school at least once day.

As other kids would pass by in a line or when we were waiting for something where we could see a lot of people or even when I would look at my year book, I would look at each person, one by one, and privately (thank goodness) think to myself about how ugly everyone is.

I hate your nose. I hate your eyes. I hate the way you smell. I hate the sound of your voice. Everyone around me I thought was ugly in so many different ways because I thought humans were ugly. I still kinda do, but to a much much much lesser extent. I was an outsider in a strange place with strange rules and I thought everyone looked unfamiliar and gross. I don't feel like this anymore but humans are still an acquired taste in my mind. I'm the only alter in the system like this.

I say this was probably an autistic thing because it had to do with facial features specifically and I've heard that we struggle to look at faces or recognize them, so I can only imagine this pushes the same brain buttons. I can't be asked/forced to draw human faces without melting down totally. I can draw the body perfectly well. So this isn't a skill issue either.

Now, this wasn't and isn't "everyone is ugly but me" this was very patently "the human form is awful. Who did this. Why me." It is the root of any un-aliving urge I've ever had. That I can't escape being human around so many humans with an existence completely dictated by humans.

I still to this day, will get so upset and angry when people talk about how figure drawing is mandatory for art students. Figure drawing triggers me.

You must draw the human form because so much art worships the human form. Which isn't.. bad. It's the mandatory part that is. I did it though, I chewed and swallowed that lesson reluctantly only to hack it back up and out later like a cat refusing to take a pill.

It did not help that my figure drawing prof was going through some mental health issues (her tutorial grad students were warning people that she wasn't acting herself)

This manifested as her saying a lot of fucked stuff she could have just kept to herself. Like telling me I needed Xanax because I couldn't bring myself to draw a face. Acting disturbed and confused by just the kind of artist I was. She treated me like a leper.

But the worst thing was by far this:

My human body is a little chunky, but my species is very slim biologically. That's just what we look like. We can be fat, but it's something we have to try really hard to do. I don't care that my human body is fat. I just eat what I can and try to stay alive. I'm not really thinking about weight discrepancy between my forms because I don't consider it an important detail past finding human clothes I enjoy wearing.

We have been drawing our species as a manner of spiritual reconciliation with the concept of self. We didn't fully actually decide the features of our species but instead based details on astral experiences and childhood dream disturbances.

This wasn't a secret to this prof and she basically said that we needed to overcome our body dysmorphia and stop slimming the life models down. Basically if you accidentally drew the model even a little skinnier by accident she would jump all over you.

"it's just habit because 90 percent of my art is tall gangly alien bodies"

"no, you just worship skinniness. You made your aliens skinny because you have an ED" no exaggerating, she said this.

Like excuse me? I didn't know how to report her but she needed to retire because she said this inappropriate shit constantly.

And her vibe influenced all my peers to think I was copping out by only drawing aliens (that I will remind you, are MY RACE, MY SPECIES, MY HOME PEOPLE. ) This isn't about weight. This isn't about "skill" I hate humans. I hate the human body. It is poorly designed and YOU worship it. It's not my fault I dislike it. I'm not a bad creature for disliking it.

Figure drawing doesn't help my art because I'm not fucking drawing humans like everyone else.

"but you can apply some of the anatomy to-"

SOME. I'm convinced that drawing specifically a living person having an improving effect on your drawing skills in general is myth brought on by the art worlds sick obsession with "old master" artists and copying their methods. It's drawing from life that improves you, not just specifically drawing naked people, unless you are an artist who wants to draw humans, which I am not.

All the "greats" drew naked people to practice their own subject, which was people, so now every art student has to, even if that's not their subject. "You MUST draw the naked person" is one part useful lesson, two parts art school hazing. If you wanna fight about this, just know I have already died many times on this hill only to rise again. You cannot change my mind in a way that matters.

I had to unlearn things from figure class. I had to re teach myself how to draw the extremely specific digitigrade legs my race has. I had to keep reminding myself to draw our spines longer.

Because there is real speculative anatomy in there. It's not just for looks. We have long torsos because we are marsupials and the baby needs enough pouch room. We are slim with long bouncy legs to outrun giant worms. These aren't just aesthetic choices. This isn't "skinny is prettier" I just have no biological need to store fat like I do as a human.

Figure drawing harmed me without helping me because of anthropocentric ideas about form. I learned more by studying furry artists and augmenting reference photos.

There were always ways figure drawing could have worked for me if the human form wasn't treated like the most important thing to draw. I maybe also would have been in a better headspace if this profs lectures weren't pointed spitefully at villainizing people who have no desire to draw the human body.

I don't have to deal with this any more but I feel like being malignantly nonhuman in human figure drawing class is an extremely niche and strange horror I needed to talk about.