#carlo schefter

[deiamusica]

EVIL HOT ROD (CAT CREW INC) 2021 TORONTO FRINGE REVIEW

JULY 27, 2021 SAMANTHA WU

Fast cars and even faster women. Evil Hot Rod by Cat Crew Inc, playing virtually at the 2021 Toronto Fringe Festival, is like if the T-Birds in Grease went evil. In this musical radio play set in 1950s New York, Tony Raggione is proud of his new hot rod purchase, despite what all his buddies say. This ride, Carmilla, may look like a hunk of metal that likely won’t make it off the lot, but Tony is determined to make her a lightning roadster… even if she happens to be evil.

Evil Hot Rod is written and directed by Carlo Schefter and Diana Di Mauro and is a direct throw back to greaser flicks, hot rod culture, and rockabilly aesthetic paired with a good ole horror flick. This is a horror comedy that’s chock full of satirical (and a few rather stereotypical) characters that serve as vehicles for the songs. There isn’t much growth to the characters here; it’s all about the music.

If you’re a fan of Grease or The Rocky Horror Picture Show, you’ll be drawn to the music here. In particular, the number “Strange Love” is reminiscent of “Greased Lightnin'” and “Sweet Transvestite” combined.

And if the music is the main focal point, what we have here feels more like a decent draft than a fully developed show. Something that I can feel can be fleshed out, edited, and played around with to be transformed into a production that has the potential to be quite spectacular. As it stands, it’s a good effort but it’s currently lacking something — fleshed out lyrics, stronger vocals, a more rounded band, further expansion to the story itself — which might really blow people away.

Considering how creating theatre during the pandemic has left many artists with far more challenges than they’re used to, this may have weighed on the limitations of this production. I’m not sure if Evil Hot Rod was written with the intention of being a radio play, but if they do plan on fleshing out this story for the stage, I’m looking forward to seeing what they do.

Details

Evil Hot Rod is playing on-demand at the Virtual 2021 Toronto Fringe Festival.

Purchase a $5 Membership to access the On-Demand programming on the Fringe website, then Pay What You Can to each show as you go with a suggested price of $13 per show.

Memberships can be purchased here.  View the virtual on-demand show listings here.

Accessibility notes:

On-Demand shows: videos are closed captioned, transcripts are available for all audio content, documents are screen-reader friendly, and all digital images are provided with alternative text descriptions. These access supplements have been generated by the company and reviewed by the Festival. They may vary slightly from company to company.

Fringe Primetime presentations will feature Auto-Transcribed Captioning.

Content Warning: This production contains depictions of violence, coarse language, gunshots, sexual content, and abrupt cues, recommended for an audience ages 14+.

Poster design by Diana Di Mauro and Carlo Schefter

[hkdrseru]

los debería haber solucionado con Ainge

Los Knicks comenzaron el encuentro dominando la escena. Un Calderón soberbio en la dirección y el tiro recordó a los Mavericks cuánta inteligencia habían perdido en el campo sin el espaol. Demostrando ser la mejor arma ofensiva de su equipo por tiro (21 puntos en 7 triples) y asombrando por su capacidad de tomar decisiones en los momentos más complejos de un

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partido, José Manuel Calderón dejó helados a los 20.352 espectadores que llenaron el American Airlines camara sony cybershot dsc w810 Center con dos canastas triples consecutivas. In Eurocup passata l'Unicaja Malaga di coach Joan Plaza, l'anno scorso in Euroleague, che ha vinto le due gare di semifinale di questa settimana, prima a Krasnodar e poi in casa al ritorno con 22 punti del serbo Nemaja Nedovic. pantaloni elisabetta franchi saldi Se l' vista brutta l'Hapoel Gerusalemme contro il Valencia. Sotto all'inizio del quarto tempo, un parziale di 26 9 ha premiato la squadra di Simone Pianigiani. Sin embargo, los problemas que tuvo con Ainge, los debería haber solucionado con Ainge, no metiendo en el medio a los aficionados (mintiendo), ni tirando púas a Rivers (también, mintiendo) y demás historias. Btw En aquel verano, Danny le ofreció la posibilidad de vetar cualquier pantofi sport tip soseta dama traspaso en el que se le incluyese (ergo no hubiera tenido problemas de trades, tal y como sealas), y 12 millones en Mens ADIDAS ORIGINALS dos aos (más de lo que le ofrecía cualquier equipo). Por su parte, Allen pidió 29 'kilos' en dos aos (14'5 por curso; más de lo que percibe KG por temporada). "Había mucho talento en los Blazers esa temporada, por lo que Fernando no jugó mucho. Pero Fernando podía jugar en la NBA. Realmente podía. No merece la pena entretenerse mucho más para alabar el trabajo de Julio que ha terminado en una obra especialmente actualizada en el conocimiento de esta materia y que carece de defecto alguno. Antes de despedirme hacer mención a los dos grandes teloneros que acompaan a Julio Basulto en "Mamá come sano". Se trata del prólogo a cargo del pediatra Carlos González (superlativo) y el epílogo de la mano de Eva Hache (estupendo).. Las circunstancias del partido, el juego del equipo, son las que hacen que los números sean unos u otros. Los que se juegan los balones son Carmelo, Porzingis, Afflalo, . Las circunstancias del partido, el juego del equipo, son las que hacen que los números sean unos adidas stan smith j white tactile blue u otros. Y manu tiene en su mismo equipo un no norteamericano mejor y mas importante en el equipo que el como es parker. Por no hablar de petrovic o de sabonis que estando viejo y cojo marcaron epocas en la NBA. O esque creeis que en 10 a vamos a decir los spurd de manu? no van a se los de duncan, pero los netes si eran los de petrovic novostil Veo que sigue la discusion que instaure ayer , en el futuro seguramente no diran los Spurs de Manu , sino que diran los Spurs de Duncan ,eso puede ser , pero los Nets de Petrovic que ganaron? Drazen era excelso , pero su gran fama se debe a su triste muerte . The problem, of course, is that you also have to play defense in the NBA. Few people who've watched Jennings and Ellis over the course of their careers would mistake them for quality defenders at the guard spots they're fast and active and they try hard, but they're not, strictly speaking, good at it. As a result, and as you might expect, the stats say that while the Bucks were running mini melissa picole vidro and gunning with that duo in the backcourt, Milwaukee's opponents saw a pretty big offensive uptick, too.. El Desafío de Habilidades consagró al base que menos asiste de la Liga, Patrick Beverley (Rockets), que pasó por el Olympiacos y también jugó en Rusia. Normal que no acertara con el objetivo de pase, pero sí con el triple cada vez que llegaba. John McEnroe, sentado junto a Spike Lee, no protestó.. Two years later, mini melissa picole vidroJason Pierre Paul has come a long wayTwo years ago today, Giants defensive end Jason Pierre Paul started the day with a van full of fireworks. The stunning news of the Pierre Paul fireworks mishap led to a variety of story lines, from a stubborn resolve to return to dominance (he has) to a lawsuit against ESPN and Adam Schefter for invasion of privacy arising from the publication of medical records relating to the amputation procedure (the case was settled). The final kilometers at the end of the fourth stage of the Tour de France were expected to be exciting and potentially dangerous, but once the lead riders cleared two sharp turns it was expected to just be a sprint to the finish. Te daba la razón , pero me lo han borrado :O. Bueno, repito más corto a ver:

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creo que sí que influye que Mark sababa mucha ventaja ahí. Pero no es lo mismo un mismatch con Mark Jackson, o con JoJo frente nike air max ireland a Derozan este ao, por ejemplo, que con Jordan Crawford. A toro pasado se puede decir que porque no cogieron a faried, thompson, vucevic, kanter, leonard. Pero en ese momento era un jugador que si no lo elige minny lo hubieran cogido muy posiblemente utah o cleveland que venían detrás. Williams en ese draft impresionaba por tener un físico y atletismo espectacular, combinado con su buena mano. Despite dropping a game to the New York Knicks, the Miami Heat were the blowout kings of the postseason's opening round. Erik Spoelstra's team rolled up a +70 point differential in their five game series against the Knicks, posting an average margin of victory of 18 points that outstripped their fellow advancers, including Western Conference sweepers San Antonio (+64 against the Utah Jazz for an average margin of 16 points) and Oklahoma City (+26 over the Dallas Mavericks, average margin of 6.5 points). Miami won three of the four meetings between the two squads during the season, including a 38 point drubbing in the first week of January and a 15 point road win on Valentine's Day that wasn't as close as the final score..

[techcrunchappcom]

New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/2020-nfl-trade-deadline-tracker-kwon-alexander-sent-to-saints-desmond-king-goes-to-titans/

2020 NFL Trade Deadline Tracker: Kwon Alexander sent to Saints, Desmond King goes to Titans

The 2020 NFL trade deadline (Tuesday, Nov. 3) is almost here. The league has already seen a few trade offers accepted, but more are on the horizon. CBS Sports is tracking all of the news and rumors and providing a one-stop shop for readers. The most recent updates are at the top. 

Chargers send DB Desmond King to Titans

Los Angeles is sending Pro Bowl defensive back/kick returner Desmond King to the Titans in exchange for a sixth-round pick, according to NFL Media and ESPN. King, who is in the final year of his deal, has recorded 24 tackles and one sack in six games this season. 

Saints acquire former Pro Bowler Kwon Alexander from 49ers

The New Orleans Saints are sending a conditional fifth-round pick and linebacker Kiko Alonso to San Francisco in exchange for Alexander, according to ESPN’s Adam Schefter. The two teams play each other in Week 10. The Saints are attempting to win at all costs, while 49ers general manager John Lynch was eager to get a big contract off the books. 

These two teams are still in the hunt for their respective divisions. 

CBS Sports insider Jason La Canfora notes that Marvin Jones is the receiver that has been made available by Detroit but questions if Golladay might also be had at the right price. 

“Things have been tense between him and the organization for quite some time; he’s been brooding over not getting a new deal, and that came to a head on Saturday when I’m told he was not at the facility when he should have been,” La Canfora wrote.

Golladay, 26, is in the final year of his rookie contract. He has recorded 20 receptions for 338 yards and two touchdowns while missing two games with an injury. 

Reserve linebacker Robert Spillane has played well post-injury to Bush but Pittsburgh has seen a past without solid linebacker play and it was not pretty. They bolstered their Super Bowl contending roster in the form of veteran LB Avery Williamson. ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported Sunday night that the AFC team acquired Williamson and a 2020 seventh-round pick in exchange for a 2020 fifth-round pick. Williamson goes from the NFL‘s lone win-less team to the lone undefeated team; a reversal of fortunes overnight. 

Williamson has 59 tackles and one interception this season. 

Saints steadfast in claim that Michael Thomas is unavailable

The potential availability of New Orleans wide receiver Michael Thomas is a rumor that has gained steam in recent weeks for whatever reason. NFL Media’s Ian Rapoport says that the team has no intention of moving the star wide receiver despite punching a teammate in practice leading up to a Week 5 contest against Chargers. 

A trade of Thomas would leave New Orleans with a dead cap hit of $27 million in 2020. The number dips down to $14 million following the 2022 season. 

Bengals’ Carlos Dunlap sent to Seattle

The Seahawks acquired disgruntled edge rusher Carlos Dunlap from Cincinnati Wednesday in exchange for offensive lineman B.J. Finney and a 2021 seventh-round draft pick, according to SI.com’s Albert Breer. Dunlap has vocalized his unhappiness by posting the team’s defensive rotations and promoting the sale of his home on Twitter and more. Dunlap has 18 tackles, one sack and two pass deflections this season. 

The Bengals may not be done at the deadline. There are a few other veterans that could be on the move. There is more on that story below. ESPN’s Adam Caplan also notes that the Seahawks may not be done acquiring pass rush help. 

Ten trades that can aid contenders in a Super Bowl run 

CBS Sports’ Patrik Walker mocked up ten trades that could help contenders make a Super Bowl run. Is it possible that the Patriots could be buyers and sellers ahead of the Nov. 3 deadline? Walker has the Patriots moving a big-time player while also adding a brand name wide receiver. 

Not every team is a contender though and the deadline could still be interesting for lower-tier teams. CBS Sports’ Cody Benjamin explored one trade that each team should make in the coming days. 

Everson Griffen dealt to Lions in exchange for pick

It did not take long for Dallas to find a viable suitor for edge rusher Everson Griffen. On Tuesday, it was learned that Detroit was acquiring the former Viking in exchange for a conditional 2021 sixth-round draft pick. He is due to receive roughly half of his $6 million salary from the Lions. League COVID-19 protocols prevent Griffen from playing this weekend so his first action with his new team will come Nov. 8 against … Minnesota. 

Miami has turned the keys to the castle over to rookie quarterback Tua Tagovailoa but that does not mean the AFC East contender is prepared to give up on their season nor recently demoted second string quarterback. Head coach Brian Flores states that the team has no intention of trading Ryan Fitzpatrick. 

The veteran led the Dolphins to a 3-3 record and second place within the division. 

Shopping list for three NFL teams

The CBS Sports team has been compiling needs for multiple teams across the NFL. Rather than reading a generic list of players available, indulge in a more team-centric approach:

Cleveland Browns Las Vegas Raiders New England Patriots New York Giants Philadelphia Eagles Washington Football Team

Players that could be available at the deadline

CBS Sports’ Cody Benjamin constructed a position-by-position list of 75 players that could be on the move ahead of the Nov. 3 trade deadline. Some of the notable names include Saints quarterback Jameis Winston, Bengals wide receiver A.J. Green, Texans edge rusher J.J. Watt and Patriots cornerback Stephon Gilmore. For the full list, check out CBSSports.com. 

Cowboys make DE Everson Griffen, DT Dontari Poe available

CBS Sports’ Patrik Walker confirmed that Griffen and Poe have been made available to other teams in a potential trade scenario. Griffen signed a one-year, $6 million deal with Dallas prior to the season and would be owed roughly half. CBS Sports’ Tyler Sullivan notes that the 32-year-old has played 56.43% of Dallas’ defensive snaps and totaled 20 tackles, six quarterback hits, and 2.5 sacks. CBS Sports’ Cody Benjamin laid out five potential destinations for Griffen with Seattle being the most likely. 

Poe signed a two-year deal worth $8.5 million, but there is a reasonable out in the contract after this season. It is less likely that he is moved at the deadline. 

Ten trades that should happen before the Nov. 3 deadline

CBS Sports’ Cody Benjamin proposed ten trades that would be win-win situations for both teams involved. What would A.J. Green look like on the Packers? It may not cost as much as you might think. Read the explanation behind that trade:

“At this point, why shouldn’t Green Bay take a swing, even if it eventually means losing Green in 2021 free agency and hoping for a compensatory pick? Aaron Rodgers has done very well operating with just Davante Adams and/or Allen Lazard, but with the latter hurt and No. 12 clearly positioned to take the Packers on another run, he deserves the gamble,” Benjamin wrote.

Romeo Crennel attempts to assure Texans they won’t be traded

The Texans are off to an unexpected 1-6 start to the season. Bill O’Brien has been fired in favor of veteran coach Romeo Crennel. Crennel, who likely has little authority over personnel decisions as an interim head coach, attempted to reassure his players that they will not be traded. 

“So, with this situation the way it is, I think that it might be more on their mind this year than it would be any other year. I’ve talked to them and tried to reassure them that I’m not looking to trade guys, but human nature is human nature.”

CBS Sports’ Jason La Canfora believes it is time for a fire sale in Houston. The team has struggled with the likes of edge rusher Whitney Mercilus, J.J. Watt and others. If the team is going to be bad anyway, they might as well re-coup some of the picks flushed down the drain by O’Brien. 

Bengals DE Carlos Dunlap attempts to sell house on Twitter

There has been no mincing of words in regard to Dunlap’s frustration. He has posted the team’s edge rush rotations on social media and is now attempting to sell his house on Twitter. The message is clear: trade me. CBS Sports’ Jeff Kerr wrote about the veteran’s frustration upon being demoted. 

In addition to Dunlap, defensive tackle Geno Atkins, wide receiver A.J. Green, wide receiver John Ross and cornerback William Jackson could also be on the move. CBS Sports’ Cody Benjamin explored potential destinations for each of the disgruntled AFC North talents. The Bills were a staple. 

Atlanta has already pressed the reset button on their leadership structure with head coach Dan Quinn and general manager Thomas Dimitroff being shown the door. The mindset will not trickle down to the players, according to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, who notes that the team has no intention of trading Ryan or Jones. 

The Falcons have gone 25-30 since that fateful 28-3 collapse against the Patriots in Super Bowl LI. 

Patriots searching for receiver help again

New England drafted N’Keal Harry in the first round of the 2019 NFL Draft and traded a second round pick for Mohamed Sanu. Neither has been the answer that the team had hoped. The Patriots are still alive within the AFC East but the outlook grows more bleak with each passing week. The team’s upcoming game against Buffalo could determine whether they are buyers or sellers by Nov. 3. As it stands, Bill Belichick is exploring options on the wide receiver trade market, according to CBS Sports’ Jason La Canfora. Two of the team’s top five receptions leaders are running backs. Draft tight ends Devin Asiasi and Dalton Keene have a combined one reception. 

Texans expected to trade at least one receiver, other veterans

CBS Sports’ Jason La Canfora has reported that the Texans are a popular team in trade conversations. The organization’s sluggish start and obvious eyes to the future have potential playoff contenders scouring their roster. La Canfora states rival executives believe Houston will trade at least one receiver, Will Fuller, Brandin Cooks and Kenny Stills, by the deadline. They are also gauging the market on edge rusher Whitney Mercilus, who has three years left on a four-year, $54 million deal signed in May of 2015. 

Running back Duke Johnson and tight end Darren Fells are other names that have drawn consideration. 

Vikings looking to shed cap space, rival GMs aren’t eager 

Minnesota has made a series of poor salary cap decisions leading up to the ultimate errors: re-signing Anthony Barr after he attempted to leave for New York and doubling down on Kirk Cousins. Now, they find themselves in a position to discard players because their season has not gone as expected and they are up against the salary cap wall. 

The team has already traded edge rusher Yannick Ngakoue but more moves could be on the way. CBS Sports’ Jason La Canfora had the following to say about the team’s activity: “Multiple executives who have been in contact with the Vikings believe the team is eager to move several more high-priced veterans who likely do not fit into the team’s long-term plans.”

The names most often mentioned are safety Harrison Smith, left tackle Riley Reiff, safety Anthony Harris, tight end Kyle Rudolph and wide receiver Adam Thielen. 

Bengals more engaged in trade talks than the previous year

Defensive tackle Geno Atkins, cornerback William Jackson, wide receiver A.J. Green, wide receiver John Ross and edge rusher Carlos Dunlap have all made it clear that they are open to a change of scenery, according to CBS Sports’ Jason La Canfora. The Bengals were very unwilling to trade veterans last season — an absolute mistake, says the writer continually beating a dead horse — but La Canfora notes that NFL executives are “detecting a vibe that is not quite as trade-averse” in Cincinnati.   

Giants trade Markus Golden to Arizona in exchange for draft pick

On Oct. 23, the Giants agreed to trade outside linebacker Markus Golden to the Cardinals in exchange for a 2021 sixth-round pick. Golden, who actually began his career in Arizona, had just 1.5 sacks in seven games with the Giants this season. It was a priority to bolster the pass rush following the loss of Chandler Jones for the season. 

Philadelphia and Julie Ertz’s husband have been at odds over his contract for some time. The matters were only exacerbated by new deals for Travis Kelce and George Kittle this offseason. Ertz was recently placed on injured reserve, which means that he can not be traded. SI’s Albert Breer reported that the team attempted to trade the player before placing him on said IR. Prior to the injury, he had recorded 24 receptions for 178 yards and one touchdown. 

Breer added that wide receiver Alshon Jeffery is also on the trade block, but it is difficult to fathom anyone would want to take on that contract in relation to his limited production. 

Minnesota trades Yannick Ngakoue to Baltimore for draft picks

Less than two months after acquiring the pass rusher from Jacksonville, Minnesota shipped Yannick Ngakoue to the east coast in exchange for a package of draft picks less than they initially traded to the Jaguars. The Maryland native, who has recorded five sacks this season, is headed home in exchange for a 2021 third-round pick and a conditional 2022 fifth-round pick. 

Ravens general manager Eric DeCosta hinted that the Ravens may not be done making moves. The acquisition of Ngakoue is clearly a move to slow down Patrick Mahomes, who is sometimes flustered by heavy pass rush, and the Chiefs offense. CBS Sports’ Patrik Walker graded the trade acknowledging that Baltimore fleeced their trade partner. 

New York traded Willis and a 2021 seventh-round pick to the 49ers in exchange for a 2021 sixth-round pick. The capital gain is marginal at best but general manager Joe Douglas is cleaning house in the Big Apple. I explored some of the other Jets players that could find interest in their services at the trade deadline. 

New York trades Steve McLendon to Tampa Bay 

The Jets sent the defensive tackle and a 2023 seventh-round pick to the Buccaneers in exchange for a 2022 sixth-round pick. Tampa Bay had recently lost Vita Vea to an injury for the season.

It was later revealed that McLendon played for the Jets after finding out about his trade to the Buccaneers. A car was waiting for him after the game and he immediately drove to Tampa. 

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[dinoalexander]

YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN: The Semi-Quotable 2021 Quotedown Quotetacular

Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary gender forms across seven star systems… it is an honor and a privilege to say…

Reader discretion is strongly advised.

—-

Here it comes, it’s the World Famous Get Down Like a Hound, Party ‘til You Puke … SEMI-QUOTABLE 2021 QUOTEDOWN QUOTETACULAR!

—-

Quote Wall 2021

“2020: 1/2 a star out of 5. Would not recommend.” -Klauss

“… LLLLLLLATE!” -various members of Straight No Chaser

"i just had a moment of sick, insane, unbridled genius!" -Q

“2020 has been fired, per sources.” -Adam Schefter

“Yesterday we had a bunch of disasters to pass the time. Today, as smooth as the top of my.... oh crap, I need to shave.” -C

“The contract of 2020 is officially terminated as of 11:59pm. #YoureFired” -Carl

“Computer... End holodeck program and delete.” -Aaron

“I am in rare form tonight, so brace your assholes.” -Kimberly

“If you squint, my name is in fact carbs.” -Carlos

Gordon: Does that mean I get to wake you up on your birthday next year also? :D

Chico: Gordon Pepper what do you think?

Gordon: Sounds awesome! Call you at 1201am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzDb31hvQfI

“This should be the Superbowl Anthem.” -G.

“That's amazing.” -Kim

“Believe it or not, this was a #1 hit in Germany.” -G.

“Also amazing, but not surprising.” -Kim

“Is there a reason why I can't have a copy of the rooster?” -Robert R.

“Well it clucks too much and lays too many eggs for starters.” -G.

“Guess Stafford’s not into kneecaps.” -Chico

“Awww it's a cute fluffy dragon THAT WANTS TO EAT YOUR EYEBALLS!!!!” -G.

“(Holding a stuffed blue shell) I’m taking out everyone in this store, starting with Nikki!” -Paul

“Man, that is some country ass country!” -Brian

“If I can escape with a cold, I'll consider this a huge moral victory.” -G.

“I took a whopping two years of French in high school so I keep wanting to pronounce it par-LAY.” -Heather

If I didn't invite Jason, he would haunt me for the rest of my life. And then haunt me during his afterlife. And my afterlife. -G.

“We need America’s ass back.” -Nicole Ryan, on Chris Evans returning to the MCU, The Morning Mashup

“Of course Jason Block won. He wins everything.” -G.

“On a list of places to avoid is "crowded malls". So whatever you do, don't build a time machine and go back to 1983.” -Matt O.

“Your spare shooting accuracy has the coronavirus.” -G.

“You haven’t worn (your Burberry sweater)!” -Q

“That’s a Burberry! Put some respect on it!” -C

“It’s just a sweater.” -Q

“And the Pope is just a Catholic.” -C

“.... well, he is.” -Q

“Getting shot in a theater and I didn’t even have to win a Civil War first!” -Adam

“So Hollywood told me that you and Jessie were right and I agree with her.” -G.

“We need to mark this down on a calendar - wait right here - March 14, 2020 - that you said that your sisters were right.” -Bonnie

“So I'm here in Ralph's doing a video and only Gordon would play Bullseye (The Price is Right pricing game).” -Tim C.

“Gordon, what happened to your finger?” -John D.

“Zombie attack.” -G.

"Things I can't say on the Cock" -Pat McAfee at Summerslam 2021

“Let me unzip my pants!” -Jordan, in Gilbert Gottfried voice

“The amount of cookies I’ve watched Cookie Monster waste with his bullshit chewing makes me sick.” -Q

(Quoting the Be nice speech)

“Seinfeld?” -Kait

“Road House. You’re too young.” -C

“Since [Giannis] can handle the ball and only needs three strides to get to the basket from halfcourt, the only way to stop him from dunking on your head is to foul him and pray he misses at the free-throw line after he takes an hour and a half to shoot.” -Deadspin

“I’m a toe expert.” -Rex Ryan

“So many talented people in this room. Matter of fact, lock the doors, we’re not leaving until we find a new host for Jeopardy!.” -Cedric the Entertainer

“Martha Stewart? She’s an icon!” -someone on Food Network.

“Don’t you mean ex-con?” -Q

“That’s the joke… and thank god the joke is over.” -Brian

(Saturday morning at Golden Corral)

Q: “… God’s waiting room.”

C: “… Florida?”

“It’s not my job to educate you unless you pay me money!” -Freddie’s kid Millicent on iCarly

“Sprouts is Farmers Marketing.” -G

“I need everybody to come together and agree that there is only one correct pronunciation for “peanuts” and that it involves the letter U. I’m tired of hearing commercials where the voiceover tells me that I can buy their product “for just penis.”” -Adam

“Hollywood is the VIP room in Hell.” -Liz Block

“I’m not going to force you to work. The only thing I’m going to force is a pair of chinos over my ass. You are not worth it.” -Q

“One… Baby.” -Jenna

“One of the prizes on "The Price is Right" today is $2500 worth of groceries at Whole Foods. Enjoy your three cans of beans, you lucky winner.” -Adam

“Teslas are like the Apple Computer of cars.” -Jay

“Sagging jeans. NOT a good look. Skinny jeans? NOT a good look. Sagging skinny jeans? That’s just a cry for help.” -C

“Halfway salty, halfway fresh.” -Matty

“Just like Dino!” -Jefe

“Keep calm and relaaaaaaaaaaaaaax.” -Gordon

“He was literally two inches away from having a very bad night.” -C, re: a guy who almost sideswiped a barrier

CM Punk: "And if you like what you saw, tell your friends, tell your family, tweet about it, and if you didn't like it, shut the fuck up." -Post AEW Rampage from August 27, 2021.

“What’s a word for classy... but not classy?” -C

“... Bougie?” -Klauss

“That’s it, bougie.” -C

“And finally, An Entire Category about Kaley Cuoco.” -Jay Anthony

“My god I've seen oceans with less SALT than this person.” -Josiah

“Avoid getting into fights with people on Twitter. They drag you down to their level and beat you over the head with their experience.” -C

“I realize that now.” -Jay

“You should have realized it the other 30 times!” -G

“Hey...how did you...LOL” -Jay

“The algorithm is serving up mostly Adele and Taylor Swift today.... who broke up with Pandora??” -Miriam

“You know everyone is hiring these days...I saw that even Comcast is looking for customer service reps. Now, I admit at times I have been hard up for employment, but i can't think of a job I'd want less...honestly, I'd rather work for McDonald;'s...as a cow.” -Brian

“I’m totes jellyfish. You got mom’s criminal intellect. The only thing of mom’s I got was her wide flat butt.” -C

"You know what my religious life needs? Less sex." -Anneke, on an Anglican bishop becoming a Catholic.

Greg’s Dad: “what’s the Utah Jazz mascot?”

Greg: “it’s a bear”

Greg’s Dad: “I thought it’d be a clarinet.”

“New neighbors woke me up twice overnight with their boisterously loud lovemaking escapades. Been up for an hour and I swear I just heard em start back up again. I don't know whether to be pissed or send them a gift basket and some Gatorades.” -Justin

“Yes Gordon, out here in California people do eat edamame-flavored fettuccine.” -TIm C.

“AMY JO JOHNSON!” -Q

“Quis, you got the Tourette’s or something?” -C

“Gordon, what happened to your finger?” -Brian S.

“A Whammy bit it.” -G.

“You ever see a 41-year-old fly? Me neither.” -Shaq

“I’m about to climb over this bitch.” -C

“Will you shut up? And let me fuck(ing) talk?” -Mary Scott

“Fuck and talk? But i don't like you that way...unless you're rich. I can be gay for pay. But you're not rich. So we are just going to have to be friends.” -Q

“Fortnite. Turn your friend into a bomb.” -Alison Haislip

“Does your car have a spoiler on the trunk?" -insurance adjuster

"No, because I am a gentleman of station." -Evil Travis

“Plant hungry. Must feed plant. Make little money babies.” -G

“You’re somewhere in between my work wife, my work mother, and my work big sister. You’re my work wacky aunt.” -C to Lisa

“I've watched the first two episodes of Hawkeye on Disney+, and Alan Alda hasn't shown up yet.” -Prof. O

“Ouch. I hit my boobie.” -Lexi

“Come on, Brain… do brain stuff.” -C

“F. U. … n! FUN!” -Retha

“They tried to kill us (they ALWAYS try to kill us, every holiday except maybe Purim), they failed, we suffered, we sinned, so we'll make ourselves suffer, we're sorry, we're inscribed, we drink.” -Kim

“IKEA doesn't need to promote acceptance of bisexuals. If I'm buying a couch at IKEA, I've already settled for something uncomfortable that won't last.” -Rob

“That’s the thing about the ER. They can’t treat anything until they know EVERYTHING. The Beast must be fed. ALL HAIL THE BEAST.” -C

“Is this the Los Angeles Tea Party?” -Jessica

“It is. And since we fancy and we put our tea in our coffee we super caffeinated up in this bitch.” -Kimberly

“As Dean Martin might say, ‘That’s a moray.’” -Ken Jennings

“I can’t go to Kohl’s by myself anymore. One of these days I’m going to go shopping for underwear and walk out with a stand mixer.” -C

“Everyone will not just… If your solution to some problem relies on “if everyone would just…“ Then you do not have a solution. Everyone is not going to just. At no time in the history of the universe has everyone just, and they’re not going to start now.“ -Squareallworthy

“You can’t read the comments because that’s where shitty ideas come from.” -C

“I remember how challenging it was to sing because the A-hole was so tight. But I pushed through because kids all over the country were counting on me.” -Hollywood big shot and God’s perfect idiot Ryan Reynolds

“That… That’s just doing drugs.” -Kim

“Y’all, seriously. Seriously, y’all.” -C

“Dude, bro. Bro, dude.” -Tritle

“I am not an aficionado of the sexual habits of a penguin.” -Jay

“Ooh, Jurassic World Velociraptor!” -Q

“VelociCoaster.” -C

“… Ooh Donkey Kong Skull Island!” -Q

“REIGN of Kong.” -C

“Escape from 30 Rock with Jimmy Fallon!” -Q

“… COME ON, THAT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE!” -C

“Hagrid’s Motorbike Adventure!” -Q

“… Yeah, that one’s actually right.” -C

“It's like asking a fireman when you can move back into the house while it's still on fire.” -Natalie Dean

“I’m very particular. I don’t just put my pants on for anyone.” -C

“Women have set the bar so low for finding "the one," that they are in danger of tripping over said bar while wearing their stripper-hooker heels.” -Q

“On a side note its fun setting the uba page on fire.” -G

“It’s the 49-state chess set. WHERE THE FUCK IS KANSAS?!” -Mike

“This bisque is like a party in my mouth. This party, it ain’t for everyone… only the sexy people.” -C

“I don’t want to be naked with Dr. Squatch, thank you very much.” -JB

“We all vaxxed. We had to get vaxxed to come here. I got vaxxed. I did not have a reaction like Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend, okay?” -Cedric the Entertainer

“22,000 big ones!” -Greg

“… Matt Amodio laughs at your big ones.” -Chico

“Bad assumptions are on aisle 5, right next to the toilet paper.” -G

“Next on the Network, it’s WWE Blood Money.” -Chico

“Crown Jewel!” -JB

“I’m not buying nobody’s boobies.” -Jenn

“No, I believe in science.” -James Holzhauer, on someone saying he should host Jeopardy!

“I’m about to explode. Ask me why.” -Jay

“I’d rather not if it’s all the same to you.” -C

“I'm sorry and you're welcome???” -Danielle

“When I woke up, that’s when things got fucked up.” -G

“In New York… concrete jungle wet dream tomato…” -Sarah Pribis

“Nelson Rockefeller. He died as he lived. Banging randos.” -C

“How witless. How mediocre. Imagine this being where you show your entire ass.” -TJ

“I suck ding-a-ling for bling bling.” -Mary

“Are you a JRPG character with a case of amnesia? I can help!” -Matt

“OLDS BUMPIN’ UGLIES?! EWWWW!!!” -C

“This wasn’t the day from hell… but I could see hell from where I was standing.” -Q

“I wish the best of luck to all those doing Taylor Swift.” -Matt O.

“Grammar! and Grandpa!” -G.

“Man, I hate it when the "danger trees" take out my power...” -Becca

“This day… if patients aren’t bleeding out of their whatever, they’re having babies out of their other whatever.” -C

“I’m 53, not 35. Leave me the fuck alone.” -JB

“2015: Windows 10: the last Windows you’ll ever need. 2021: GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKERS!” - C’s impersonation of Microsoft.

“The best part of a party is leaving.” -Cat Gray

'Manti Te’o’s girlfriend has tested for the coronavirus' This is how you know we're going to Hell.” -Chico

“Eat your heart out, Matthew Morrison.” -Jonathan Rand

“The challenge is yours.” -Heather

“Thank you, Dick Clark.” -C

“A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. Now for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear.” -Brian

“This doesn’t taste like 5W20!” -... I don’t know, somebody.

“Food?” -C

“Food!” -Q

“Pizza?” -C

“Aren’t you pizza’d out?” -Q

“(Metal Gear Solid alarm with fighting stance) … I don’t know who you are but imma fight you.” -C

“I only get a dozen or so of these every year! DON’T FUCK IT UP!” -Klauss

“Tried it, hated it, moving on.” -Bing

“Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax” -Gordon channeling Aaron Rodgers

“The old toys are dead now. Here are the new toys. The Machine must be fed, all hail the Machine.” -Dan Larson, Toy Galaxy

“I got bit!” -JD

“… Congratulations?” -C

“... this one smells... in the good way.” -Simon

“Lady G is going to sell out the ball games. Over the top. You get Gaga in the inauguration, they’ll be Gaga forever.“ -Greg imitating his dad

“What the Cinnamon Toast fuck was that?!” -JD

“Talk to me nice!” -Dwyane Wade

“GOOD RIDDANCE, CAILLOU... YOU LITTLE JERK!” -Joe Ovies

(A tub of soapy water is about to crest)

“Why does it look like antics are about to occur?” -C

“Antics already occurred. You missed out.” -Q

“Winner hosts the Titan Games...” -Klauss

“Loser gets to be on a show with Chris Lemmon and a boat.” -Greg

“I’m having a Netflix and Chill by myself BUT NOT IN THAT WAY.” -C

“You gotta wipe more than just the shit. You gotta do it to your memory, like a self-neutralizer, like MIB.” -Jess

“Are You Smarter Than....Some of the Wheel of Fortune audience who need to watch a little more Jeopardy?” -G

“Goodbye, Minnesota.” -Chris AKA Airtime Thrills

“HELLO WISCONSIN!” -Topher Grace AKA Eric Foreman

“It’s the Hot Mess Express.” -Chico

“One more thing, the last interview we did together, you told me to go heavy in the cryptocurrency game. I did. We’re down 40%. And then I lost my job. Gretchen just wants a new comforter. Fuck you Aaron Rodgers.” -Kenny Mayne

“#nopantstheaterenjoytheshow.” -C

“At this point I don’t mind if my career sheet reads eternal pilot boy. I will be the Jack Campion of the new millennium.” -Brian S.

“Just a reminder that the Peanuts character who can quote scripture to tell you about the true meaning of Christmas is the same one who believes in a sentient magical pumpkin.” -Prof. O

“Who this guy be?!” -C

“A degenerate gambler.” -Klauss

-the subject, a guy I met seven years ago by the name of Jamie Holzhauer.

“When you’re tired, you take a Napa, you don’t go to Napa!” -Carrie Bradshaw

“Elon Musk not only molests collies, he digs up the remains of dead collies and molests those.” -Kevin

“Wet prep, wet prep on the slide… What little critters are you trying to hide?” -C

“Joe’s Sperm Bank, you jack it, we pack it.” -Brandy

“.... okay what was I doing?” -C

“So I was asked if tpir was politics how to describe this week. I responded with Derrick Evans playing cliff hangers bidding 69 on a camcorder and a replica of Donald Trump falling off the mountain.” -Gordon

“Don’t you dare fucking say if.” -Jay

“Pro tip. Drink rum, sing sea shanties.” -Kimberly

“Yesterday was a shit show. We had the opening acts as the pellet people, the mid act as the chunky chuckles and the main act was debbie diarrhea.” -G

“Panties, panties, everywhere.” -Q

“Sounds like a single guy’s idea of a good time.” -C

“Pro tip: You can't log into Doordash by entering your Doordash username and password into Grubhub.” -Kelly

“I now understand why everyone stockpiled the toilet paper. It's to help wipe down their computer screen after seeing all of the bs on social media about the politics surrounding the coronavirus.” -G.

“Stupid me really thought there was a restaurant named Endy's.” -Klaussie

“Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart.... it’s not making the Bachelor better, it’s making Roxette worse.” -Chico

“This is why we'll have the quarantine until June. Of 2025.” -G.

“Disturbing is code for “Okay this is wrong but like hell im gonna get my hands dirty”.” -Chico

“Once this 5G is fully powered up in a couple weeks, it's over for you hoes!” -Emily on her vaccine

“There's been more penetration in this game up the middle since the last video on Pornhub I saw.” -JB

“January. So far. You! Get! Nooooo! Monnnneeeeyyyyy!” -Hiram P. and the Gordon chorale

“Bill Maher sidelined, as it turns out, by COVID, and not, as I expected, a broken neck from kissing his own ass.” -Adam

“Firstly, Brad isn't leaving. Secondly, I'm not leaving. Thirdly, I'm a woman and I DO present an ITV gameshow (Britain's Brightest Celebrity Family). What else are you going to get wrong?” -The Governess

'I will pay you and Hiram to bring that to Thursday nights' -Danielle P.

“OH MY GOD I’M SO HORNY!” -C, talking about the Bar Rescue Channel on Pluto

“I am the Uber Cooler.” -Jason B.

“Worst Uber driver ever.” -Carlos

“Ouuuuuuut!” -Nick H.

“Fucking Bruins.” -JD

“The new warcry - J Q X Z Fuck. -Jason B.

“I'll say it for you Fred. The Tin Hat Brigade is out in full force today.” -G.

:) - Brown Shark

“And they say naked people rarely make history.” -Megan

“The only HQ bigger than mine in RI is Hasbro’s.” -Jess

“You’ve been Blocked! (Boom) No one is safe!” -Cue after Jason goes on an epic rant

“I want to say... Shenehneh O’Connor?” -Howard

“Generations upon generations of my people have survived on sugar. Rum… rum… more rum… all the rum..” -C

“Quiz naked! It’ll drive the girls wild!” -Q

“Did Mexico CashApp that Wall Money yet?” -Darryl H.

“Apparently they really needed that wall for the Capital building instead.” -G.

“Where are all of my fake patriots at?” -Brown Shark

“Sarita, you need to find Darryl before he runs himself over with his own car.” -G.

“I'd Like to cancel my subscription for 2021. I've had the free 7 day trial and I'm not interested.” -Theo L.

“That's what everyone's going to feel like when they play us.” -Alex P.

“As Gordon Pepper would say, we got lots of Stuff happening the next few weeks.” -Lodi Lanes

“(Reading the Chasers Tweets) At least they got the less funny Statler and Waldorf part right.” -G.

“Old and busted: a friendly little fruit basket. New hotness: this Apple Watch looking nonsense.” -C, on the Orchard upgrade

“Some providers will order a COVID test on a ham sandwich.” -Q

“I Think Dino just had a revelation!” -Benny

'Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.' -Brown Shark

“Can’t we just Frankenstein Mayim Bialik’s brain, Mike Richards’ face, and Steve Kornacki’s pants?” -Chico

“And Lavar Burton's ability to warp out contestants in the negative at the end of double jeopardy.” -G.

“Technically that would fall on O’Brien’s shoulders, but I get what you’re saying.” -Chico

“We spend $750 Billion in defense and the center of American Government fell in 2 hours to the Duck Dynasty and the guy in the Chewbacca Bikini.” -Yousef Monayyer

“We need everyone to be on their best behavior. I'm talking to you, Gordon.” -Chico

“Every time I get a friend request from an obvious porn spam bot, I always see the same couple of dudes in their mutual friends and I just want y'all to know that I am judging you.” -Terry

“They gave me a paper check! I mean, come on! Who DOES that?!” -C

“What needed was someone to say ‘you stop this foolishness right now or I’m gonna slap you nekkid’” -Joe Bob Briggs

“Girl, I lost my tooth AND my brains!” -Joey

“Not an original joke, but seriously, neither @Marvel nor @DCComics has considered a parody superhero called FLORIDA MAN, where every month’s book is about his latest arrest......” -Joel Gertner

“We ever gonna discuss how Jack (Dorsey) and Mark Z were fine destroying democracy to make money or naw ??” @lewdog73

“Imagine how much more exciting the 1960s would’ve been if there was social media to let irate fans rip into Curt Gowdy and Jack Brickhouse” -Chief AB

“Remember when a 7th world title was supposed to be a historical achievement? He won it, they never publicized the achievement and then title reigns started being handed out like candy canes at Christmas.” -Dave Meltzer on Ric Flair winning the WCW Title in 1991

“You’re trying to play me like a blank CD. But we all know what happens to blank CD’s …. THEY GET BURNED!” -MacGruber

“JFK Jr. has already no-showed Dallas more often than Kerry Von Erich.” -Robert O’Connor

“Stoked for all the kids watching Space Jam 2 to check out A Clockwork Orange” -Rocco Botte

“The first thing that TV Guide wants you to know about McLean Stevenson’s new sitcom is that one of the characters is a nun with a great-looking ass.” -Adam Nedeff

“The Packers once had a quarterback named Dickey and he isn’t even in the top-tier of dick quarterbacks in franchise history.” -Craig Calcaterra

“One of my favorite memories of the Trump years was when the NYT made everyone watch some insane hour of their editorial team deciding who to endorse and then they endorsed two people and the only person who didn’t come off like a total whacko was a security guard in the elevator. It was such a perfect contrast because the editorial board were such pricks and were acting like an SNL sketch of what the NYT Editorial Board is like and then there was this incredibly moving and human moment that they didn’t even know about.” -Ben Dreyfuss

“Curt Schilling missed the Hall by 16 votes, but don't worry, he has hired Rudy Giuliani to challenge the vote totals.” - @YoshkeZoidberg

“It’s not ever a good thing when your completion line sounds like a medium-decent deal for a bucket of beers at Buffalo Wild Wings.” -PFTCommenter on Cam Newton’s statline

King Shark: “I wear disguise!”

Ratcatcher II: “Awww, you are going to wear disguise?”

King Shark: “Si!”

Peacemaker: “Hey, he's learning Spanish!”

Ratcatcher II: “What kind of disguise?”

King Shark: “Fake moustache!”

“You’re banned from The Board too, buddy, so don’t even bother.” - Bryan Alvarez on the Twitter banishment of Mr. Black

“Mike Lindell looks like Paul Bearer in that image, the difference being Lindell is just dead behind the eyes.” - Klaussie

“With Donald Trump out of the picture, Jacob deGrom is officially the deadliest righty working in America today” -Richard Staff

“this could be the one episode of Maury where the deadbeat dad is actually the babyface.” - Robert O’Connor on the paternity of Lauren Boebert allegedly being Stan Lane’s daughter

“I don't know how to work as a team.”

“Me either.”

“Well, I do. I have been in a team, okay? I don't wanna brag, but I will. I was in the Avengers.”

“The Avengers?”

“Yeah.”

“That's great!”

“Thank you!”

“What is that?”

“Wait, you don't have the Avengers?”

“Is that a band? Are you in a band?”

“No, not a band! Avengers is, uh... Earth's Mightiest…”

“HOW'S THIS HELPING?”

-Tom Holland, Andrew Garfield, and Tobey Maguire

“The Pentagon's UFO report is 9 pages, dropped in a Friday news dump. Really the *least* they could do. #RealLifeWestWing” -Heather

“Finally some truth up in this bitch!” -C

“You are OK silencing my community but you're not OK when your conservative community is silenced. You get my thoughts and prayers.” -Dan Chu

“I hope she gets a job that will make her happy. Like working at a broom factory or something.” -Q

“Apparently the Throwdown Call has been cancelled tonight and it's my fault. If anyone wants to blame any plagues, insurrections, or other man-made or non-man-made disasters on me also, go right ahead. Maybe I'll take credit for one.” -G.

“I like blaming people for things . . . . Can I blame you for having second thoughts about my reception dress for the wedding? Or are we blaming other things? I'm good with whatever.” -Kim

“Yes please. It should be green.” - G.

(Celebrity Dating Game Graphic pops up)

“I blame you for this.” -Chico

“Yes! Blame me! I'll take all the blame!” -G.

“ALWAYS go with the Irishman.” -Paul

“Can’t we just take the Act5 out to an open field with a couple of baseball bats, blast the Geto Boys on the speakers and just go to town?” -C

“WIth the House, Senate and Presidency all Democratic, Donald Trump really did make America Great Again.” -G.

“Between Bernie Sanders sitting and Dan Campbell biting my knee caps, I can’t even with this week.” -C

“It’s Scratchie Therapy. I’ll be your therapist for today.” -G.

“It's good to see the Alexander kids living clean lives.” -Klauss

“Ping Me Baby. I want to get Pingy with you.” -G.

“I’m ill! I’m ILL! I’M FUCKING ILL!” -Joey

“Newman, You're Out” -G.

“Go F*ck Yourself.” -Newman

“All together now... OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH Damn it.” -C, JD, and Prof. O

“I could do a quick review but I want to do this next week so you can all experience the pain I'm currently going through.” -G

“Here's what I do know is that this team is going to take on the identity of this city. This city's been down and it found a way to get up. It's found a way to overcome adversity. So this team's going to be built on we're going to kick you in the teeth, and when you punch us back, we're going to smile at you, and when you knock us down, we're gonna get up and on the way up, we're gonna bite a kneecap off, alright, and we're going to stand up and then it's gonna take two more shots to knock us down, alright, and on the way up, we're going to take your other kneecap and we're going to get up and then it's going to take three shots to get us down, and when we do, we're gonna take another hunk out of you. Before long, we're going to be the last one standing, alright?” -Lions coach and kneecap aficionado Dan Campbell

“Cole Beasley’s kick is nothing to sneeze at.” -Crazie Jamie

“So he did all of this because he is embarrassed that word got out about him hiding out in a bunker? UNBELIEVABLE.” -Sarita

“But Sarita Conyers Harris and Darryl Harris he's always been hiding with a Bunker. In this case, Archie Bunker.” -G.

“I feel bad for Bostonians. Brady's in the SB, Pedroia retired, and Schilling is a fucking toolbag they admire. Fuck Boston.” -Klauss

“People like to joke about "who tf is keeping Arby's in business" but will go see a new Fast & Furious movie every two years.” -Terry

(Everyone in the lab is looking for red-top swabs)

“Worst episode of Finders Keepers EVER.” -C

“Mask etiquette #1. The Mask is supposed to cover your nose. Mask ettiquette #2. The mask does not have a secondary use as a chinstrap.” -G.

“One rehearsal in, and I’m already “that guy”.” -C

“A cookie’s just a cookie, but cherries jubilee is fruit on fire!” -Paul

“You throw out the broken clocks because you want the timepiece you have to be accurate more than twice a day.” -G.

“Hey! Stop your grooming! Look good later, put in work now!” -C

“The world’s team option to not renew 2020’s contract has been confirmed, per source.” -Jessica

“Look at the birds up in the trees... mmm, ganja.” -G

“You want to listen to CNN?” -Q

“Absolutely not.” -C

“Don’t worry, Babish with a full head of hair doesn’t exist; he can’t hurt you.” -Crafty Creeper 101, on the Binging with Babish 5th Anniversary Special, in which Andrew indeed wears a hairpiece

“You know what? Do what you want. You never listen to me anyway.” -C

“Of course I listen to you! I always listen to you! ... I may not exactly do what you say, but I always listen!” -Q

“Sister Jean? Could’ve called her Sister Christian for all I care.” -Greg

ME: "I hate your PDF reader and the new version is so buggy that your automated form won't let me type all of my objections to it, so I'm uninstalling."

ADOBE: "This MFer sounds like he wants eight e-mails per day from us!"” -Adam

“Getting respect - when you hold all the cards, your opponent knows you hold all the cards, but you still want to create a situation that benefits both parties equally.” -G.

“Honestly considering passing off my podcast as a multilevel marketing scheme in order to tap into the underserved suburban Karen market. But then I remember that they probably have never seen Manimal before.” -C

“I'm not being treated with the civility to which I am accustomed, is there any greater tyranny?” -Vivek

“OHTANI-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” -C

“*wakes up, puts on glasses, sees BUZZR thing, mumbles something about the stupidity and folly of men, goes back to sleep*” -Kimberly on 25 Words coming to Buzzr

“Chick-Fil-A… closed on Sundays, but they’ll take deliveries like any other sinner.” -Q

“You’re Chick-Fil-a-shit.” -C

“Some providers will order tests on a Wurlitzer jukebox that they had ordered from the Spiegel catalog, Chicago 60609.” -C

“Oh my god! Will you stop being an objective journalist for a second?!” -Jay

“What, you want me to be like you, a reactionary putz all the time?” -C

“YES!” -Jay

“Let me tell you something that you probably already know. One thing for certain. Two things for sho’. I’m blessed! Always gonna be blessed. I’m fresh. Always gonna be fresh. One finger. One pinky. One thumb. One love.” -Jordan

“I kiss at you and I blow my saliva at you.” -Simon

“Oh… my back.” -Tobey Maguire

“Have a good jerkin’ day!” -Brandy

“Uganda forever.” -Yehya

“.... Potato.” -Gordon

—-

And as always, here’s to 2021… Come together, just think of tomorrow. 💙

[newsfact]

Fantasy Injury Updates: Latest news on Christian McCaffrey, James Robinson, Elijah Mitchell affecting Week 9 start ’em, sit ’em calls

Just a handful of notable running backs are “questionable” heading into Week 9, but considering they’re Christian McCaffrey, James Robinson, and Elijah Mitchell, then you better believe fantasy football owners are taking notice. We have the latest injury updates on these game-time decisions ahead of your start ’em, sit ’em decisions, and we’ll continue to update this article until the official active/inactive reports are published on Sunday. 

For more on injured, early-afternoon WRs, including CeeDee Lamb, Amari Cooper, Rashod Bateman, and more, go here; for late-afternoon pass-catcher updates, including George Kittle, DeAndre Hopkins, and Deebo Samuel, click here; for the latest on ailing QBs Sam Darnold, Kyler Murray, and Tua Tagovailoa, click here; for the Week 9 weather report, click here. For all the latest fantasy news, follow us on Twitter @SN_Fantasy.

WEEK 9 FANTASY: Sleepers | Busts | Start ’em, sit ’em

We also have injury updates on “questionable” players in prime-time games, including A.J. Brown (click here), David Montgomery (click here), and Ben Roethlisberger (click here).

Is Christian McCaffrey playing Week 9?

UPDATE: ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported Saturday night that McCaffrey is expected to play against the Patriots, but this will still likely come down to a game-time decision.

McCaffrey (calf) was activated from IR on Saturday, but his status for Sunday’s game against New England is still up in the air. Carolina will officially decide when he’ll be active after he goes through pregame warmups. 

If McCaffrey plays, he might not see a full complement of carries, but it’s still tough to sit him in fantasy leagues. Chuba Hubbard would be best suited for your bench, though, as he’d likely just see a handful of touches. If McCaffrey is out, start Hubbard as a low-end RB2. 

WEEK 9 PPR RANKINGS: Quarterback | Running back | Wide receiver | Tight end | D/ST | Kicker

Is James Robinson playing Week 9?

UPDATE: ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported late Saturday night that the Jaguars aren’t optimistic that Robinson will play against Buffalo, but a final decision won’t be made until after pre-game warmups.

Robinson (heel) managed to get in a limited practice on Friday and is officially “questionable” for Sunday’s game against the Bills. 

Even if Robinson is active, it seems likely he’ll see fewer touches than usual against Buffalo’s top-tier defense. Still, he’ll be tough to sit given how well he’s played this year, so his owners might actually be rooting for him to be inactive. If he’s out, Carlos Hyde will start in his place and be worth a flex spot based simply on volume and garbage-time potential.

WEEK 9 STANDARD RANKINGS: Quarterback | Running back | Wide receiver | Tight end | D/ST | Kicker

Is Elijah Mitchell playing Week 9?

Mitchell (ribs) got in limited practices on Thursday and Friday, though he was in a non-contact jersey both days. He seems truly “questionable” for Sunday’s late-afternoon game against Arizona.

WEEK 9 DFS LINEUPS: FanDuel | DraftKings | Yahoo

If Mitchell is active, he should still see a good amount of touches and be worth at least a flex spot. If he’s out, JaMycal Hasty and Trey Sermon will split the RB duties, and it’s possible Jeff Wilson Jr. (knee) will also be active and get some touches, too. It will be tough to trust any, especially against a solid defense. 

WEEK 9 DFS: Best stacks | Best values | Lineup Builder

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The post Fantasy Injury Updates: Latest news on Christian McCaffrey, James Robinson, Elijah Mitchell affecting Week 9 start ’em, sit ’em calls first appeared on NEWSFACT.

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[erhiem]

Carl Nasib became the first active NFL star to declare himself gay, revealing that he hopes people won’t need to come out later in the future.

“I just wanted to take a quick moment to say that I’m gay. I’ve been willing to do that for a while now, but in the end I feel comfortable getting it off my chest.”

Raiders DL Carl Naseeb shared this video on social media and became the first active NFL player to declare he is gay. pic.twitter.com/gGXbZEP3R7

— Sports Center (@SportsCenter) 21 June 2021

The Las Vegas Raiders he plays for has offered his support, and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has offered his support.

proud of you carlo

pic.twitter.com/R9aJxYFefW

— Las Vegas Raiders (@Raiders) 21 June 2021

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s statement on Raiders’ DE Carl Nasib: pic.twitter.com/GM4rzsgm0E

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) 21 June 2021

The NFL commissioner and Raiders offered support to Carl Nasib when Gay first appeared on Terez Owens.

Source

The post NFL commissioner and Raiders offer support to Carl Nassib after coming out as gay appeared first on Spicy Celebrity News.

[deiamusica]

EVIL HOT ROD – A PSYCHOBILLY RADIO MUSICAL by Diana Di Mauro and Carlo Schefter (Cat Crew Inc./Digital Fringe). Streaming as part of Fringe On-Demand until August 15. Rating: NNNN

Get your ass in gear and listen to Evil Hot Rod – A Psychobilly Radio Musical.

Diana Di Mauro and Carlo Schefter’s entertaining old-time radio horror musical is like a souped-up show made up of elements from Grease, Christine and Little Shop Of Horrors.

It’s the 1950s, and New Yawk greaser Tony has just bought a rusty old car named Carmilla from a guy in a scrapyard. Tony’s hoping to ride it to glory in a drag race so his bros the Crushers can beat their rivals the Crowns.

The problem is, the car doesn’t start – until, that is, he accidentally cuts his hand and spills blood onto it. Which makes Carmilla roar into life.

Di Mauro and Schefter have crafted an affectionate homage to various genres. The structure of the show is perfect, right down to the bit of backstory at the two-thirds mark. It’s amazing how well-placed audio cues can efficiently move you from scene to scene.

The sound effects and balance are superb – I recommend listening to the show with headphones – and the performances are lots of fun, although at times the actor voicing Tony (there are no cast credits) sounds less like John Travolta and more like Woody Allen.

Whoever’s voicing his girlfriend Cherry, however, is gum-snapping perfection, as is the actor speaking the lines for the dim, breathy-voiced Lola.

When Carmilla – that name is in itself a clever joke – says “feed me,” it becomes clear that the creators know what they’re sending up. The songs, while not as polished as those from Little Shop Of Horrors, are catchy enough.

Enjoy the ride. And don’t be surprised if you’re craving some meatballs during the show’s last mile.

@glennsumi

[the-nfl-football-fan]

49ers: Carlos Hyde (hip) expects to play vs. Cardinals - Adam Schefter (ESPN)

49ers: Carlos Hyde (hip) expects to play vs. Cardinals – Adam Schefter (ESPN)

from ESPN http://espn.go.com/nfl/ via IFTTT

[newsfact]

Fantasy Injury Updates: Latest news on Saquon Barkley, Christian McCaffrey, James Robinson, more affecting Week 9 start ’em, sit ’em calls

Things aren’t looking good for running backs Saquon Barkley, Christian McCaffrey, James Robinson, and Latavius Murray heading into Week 9, and plenty of fantasy football start ’em, sit ’em decisions hang in the balance. We’ve seen RB injuries come in bunches, so hopefully you have the necessary backups, handcuffs, and sleepers on your roster, but either way, you need to know the latest injury updates.

For updates on Dak Prescott and Kyler Murray, go here; for the latest on ailing pass-catchers Davante Adams, Julio Jones, Noah Fant, Calvin Ridley, and DeAndre Hopkins, click here; for news on banged-up RBs. For all the latest fantasy news, follow us on Twitter @SN_Fantasy.

WEEK 9 FANTASY: Sleepers | Busts | Start ’em, sit ’em

Saquon Barkley injury update

We’re all well aware Barkley (ankle) has been banged up all year, but after being placed on the reserve/COVID list, the prospects for a Week 9 return are even slimmer. After Adam Schefter reported Barkley turned in a negative test after his initial positive test, SNY’s Ralph Vacchiano reported he tested positive a second time. Barkley will have to test negative on two occasions, 24 hours apart, so it’s tough to tell whether that will happen. Even if it does, he’s still at risk to miss due to the ankle injury he suffered in Week 5. All in all, it sure doesn’t seem like he’ll be suiting up Sunday, but it’s not out of the question, yet.

If he does play, we can view him as a mid-tier RB1, but let’s face it, there’s always a risk he aggravates an injury or is on a snap count. If he’s out, it’s the Devontae Booker show once again. New York plays Las Vegas in Week 9, who gives up the 10th-most fantasy points to RBs, so Booker looks like a safe RB2.

WEEK 9 PPR RANKINGS: Quarterback | Running back | Wide receiver | Tight end | D/ST | Kicker

Christian McCaffrey injury update

McCaffrey (hamstring) has been designated to return from injured reserve, but he was “pretty limited” in Wednesday’s practice according to Matt Rhule. Right now, the thinking is Chuba Hubbard will start one more game, but McCaffrey will be ready to go for Week 10. Of course, things can change, so it’s best to keep up with his status all the way to Sunday.

New England is statistically a middle-of-the-pack unit against RBs, but Austin Ekeler, Alvin Kamara, and Ezekiel Elliott are really the only RBs to have a major success. Against other RBs, they’ve been stout except for in garbage time. That said, don’t expect a monster performance from Hubbard unless he gets a ton of passing work or sneaks in a touchdown. We rank him as the RB18 in PPR and RB22 in standard leagues. His floor could be much lower if Ameer Abdullah takes a ton of touches from him again, though.

WEEK 9 STANDARD RANKINGS: Quarterback | Running back | Wide receiver | Tight end | D/ST | Kicker

James Robinson injury update

Robinson (heel) didn’t practice Wednesday, but we don’t know much about his situation beyond that. Thursday and Friday practice reports will tell us more about his Week 9 availability, so we’ll have to wait and see. This isn’t a serious injury, but one that could certainly sideline him for a game. Carlos Hyde (if healthy) should take on the primary back role and dominate touches if Robinson is out.

If he does play, we rank him as the RB12 in standard and RB9 in PPR leagues. That may seem high against a strong Buffalo defense, but with all the RB injuries around the league, he’s one of the few true workhorse backs in the league at this moment.

WEEK 9 DFS LINEUPS: FanDuel | DraftKings | Yahoo

Latavius Murray injury update

Murray (ankle) did not practice Wednesday, and he’s another guy who bears watching. The Week 8 bye evidently wasn’t enough time for him to heal up, so he’s in danger of missing another game. Murray seems to be the only Ravens’ RB who could assume a workhorse role, but in his absence, it’ll be another pure committee approach with Devonta Freeman, Le’Veon Bell, and Ty’son Williams. We rank those guys in the order they are mentioned.

If Murray does play, we view him as the RB36 in standard and RB37 in PPR. Minnesota is a top-12 team against fantasy RBs, and even if Murray returns, this should be a committee approach once again.

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The post Fantasy Injury Updates: Latest news on Saquon Barkley, Christian McCaffrey, James Robinson, more affecting Week 9 start ’em, sit ’em calls first appeared on NEWSFACT.

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[junker-town]

Here’s what was happening in the world the last time the Browns had won a game

The Browns finally have another win ... 635 days later.

Remember 2016? It was a happier, simpler time. Halcyon days where waking up was exciting and full of promise. LeBron was a Cavalier, Tony Romo was a quarterback, and Toad was just Mario’s friend. Much has changed in two short years, but there has been one constant to give us a clammy hug of mediocrity and remind us of the good old days — the Browns’ losing streak.

Browns last win came 635 days ago, Dec. 24, 2016, when they beat the Chargers 20-17. The players that led Cleveland to victory that day included Robert Griffin III, Joe Thomas, Gary Barnidge, Terrelle Pryor, Corey Coleman and Joe Haden.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) September 20, 2018

Now it’s over. Behind the brilliant debut of Baker Mayfield, the Browns beat the Jets and finally got that long-awaited win, their first since Mayfield was a junior at Oklahoma.

Speaking of the crushing reality of a ever-changing world of sadness, but let’s remember just what transpired when the Browns last won on Dec. 24, 2016 — to the San Diego Chargers.

In movies ...

Since the Browns last won, there have been SIX movies released in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Rogue One was the No. 1 movie at the box office. Two more Star Wars movies have been released since.

Despite dramatic changes in cinema, the Minions have been featured less than when the Browns last won. We’ve only gotten to see those goofy yellow scamps in two shorts and Despicable Me 3 since 2016.

Photo by Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images

Draft Day remains a critical and commercial failure.

In music ...

Drake was named top male artist at the Billboard Music Awards in 2017.

Zayn was the top new artist.

Adele dominated the Grammys, winning five.

The No. 1 song was “Blake Beatles” by Rae Sremmurd and Gucci Mane.

In sports ...

The Golden State Warriors won two NBA Championships.

The Atlanta Falcons blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.

Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

We had a Winter Olympics AND a World Cup since the Browns last won.

And now, some things that lasted less than the 635 days of the Browns losing streak:

Apollo missions 1-7 (609 days)

The return of Roseanne (60 days)

John Cena’s longest WWE title reign (381 days)

But what we’ll mostly have is the memories.

Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images

[nextdogs-blog]

Report: Lions release DT Damon 'Snacks' Harrison six months after signing him to extension

Report: Lions release DT Damon ‘Snacks’ Harrison six months after signing him to extension

Damon “Snacks” Harrison was already considering retirement after a down year. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio, File)

Damon “Snacks” Harrison held out of OTAs and minicamps during last year’s offseason to get a contract extension from the Detroit Lions.

He eventually got that extension. Now, the team is reportedly cutting the former All-Pro defensive tackle loose, according to ESPN’s Adam Schefter.

Lion…

[gosportsfield]

Duke Johnson helping Carlos Hyde get up to speed in Houston - Houston Texans Blog

Duke Johnson helping Carlos Hyde get up to speed in Houston – Houston Texans Blog

[ad_1]

HOUSTON — Carlos Hyde hasn’t been in Houston for a very long, but the running back is getting a crash course in the Texans’ offense after he was traded by the Chiefs last Saturday.

Luckily he has a translator to help him out.

Expanded Fantasy Cheat Sheet

Bowen: Eight preferred picks

Karabell: RB tiers | WR tiers

Schefter: Value picks and sleepers

Clay: My draft board | 13 breakouts

Run…

[itsthacover2]

Tweeted

Another Texans’ trade: Houston is trading G Martinas Rankin to Kansas City for RB Carlos Hyde, per league source. Houston gets the RB help it needs.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) August 31, 2019

[conerecess7-blog]

Eagles’ Week 8 opponent trades for Carlos Hyde

Two NFL teams agreed to a trade on Friday and a running back was involved. The Philadelphia Eagles were not one of the two teams.

NFL insider Adam Schefter was first to report the Cleveland Browns are sending Carlos Hyde to the Jacksonville Jaguars in exchange for a 2019 fifth-round pick.

This news impacts the Eagles since they’re going to be playing the Jags in London next Sunday, October 28. Jacksonville’s acquisition of Hyde suggests Jaguars workhorse running back Leonard Fournette, who has been dealing with a hamstring injury, will NOT be available for that game.

Hyde has 22 carries against the Eagles for a total of 51 yards (2.3 average). 12 of those came last year when the 49ers played in Philly.

Given that the Eagles are dealing with injury issues at running back, some are wondering why Howie Roseman didn’t make a stronger effort to pursue Hyde. For the mere cost of a fifth-round pick, I definitely wouldn’t have minded the Eagles taking a flyer on him. But it’s hardly like they passed on a can’t-miss guy.

The Browns are trading Hyde in part because he’s been much less efficient in their offense than their other backs.

Carlos Hyde: 114 attempts for 382 yards (3.4 average) and 5 TD; 6 receptions for 29 yards

Duke Johnson: 19 attempts for 111 yards (5.8 average); 14 receptions for 164 yards

Nick Chubb: 16 attempts for 173 yards (10.8 average) and 2 TD

Hyde’s 3.4 average this year is a decline from the 3.9 average he sustained in 2017.

The Eagles will see Hyde in London next Sunday. (They’ll probably also see Hyde Park.)

Poll

Should the Eagles have traded for Carlos Hyde?

27%

Yes

(609 votes)

72%

No

(1595 votes)

2204 votes total Vote Now

Rise ’n Grind

Want NFL news and interesting links in your inbox every weekday morning? Rise ’n grind with us.

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Source: https://www.bleedinggreennation.com/2018/10/19/18001476/carlos-hyde-trade-jaguars-browns-draft-pick-nfl-2018-running-back-fantasy-football-eonard-fournette

[singbox13-blog]

NFL notebook: WR Brown not coming here, Bills say

Buffalo Bills general manager Brandon Beane will not bring wide receiver Antonio Brown to Western New York.

"We inquired about Antonio Brown on Tuesday, and kept talks open with the Steelers," Beane said Friday in an announcement meant to put to rest reports of an imminent deal between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Bills.

"We had positive discussions. But ultimately it didn't make sense for either side. As great a player as Antonio Brown is, we have moved on and our focus is on free agency."

Brown has six consecutive 100-catch seasons but fell out of favor in Pittsburgh at the end of last season. He was inactive following reports of a walkthrough confrontation with teammate Ben Roethlisberger. The quarterback denied any incident took place. Brown claimed coach Mike Tomlin sent him home because of a sore knee.

--The Philadelphia Eagles were finalizing a trade that would send defensive end Michael Bennett to New England, according to multiple reports.

The Patriots were expected to send a 2020 fifth-round pick to the Eagles in exchange for Bennett and a seventh-round pick in 2020, according to Jeff McLane of Philly.com. ESPN's Josina Anderson posted on social media that Bennett, 33, confirmed the trade to her.

A three-time Pro Bowl selection with Seattle, Bennett registered nine sacks and 34 tackles during his first season with Philadelphia in 2018.

--Three-time Pro Bowl safety Antoine Bethea was released by the Arizona Cardinals, who also announced that backup quarterback Mike Glennon was released.

Bethea, 34, had a team-leading 121 tackles in 2018 during the second season of a three-year, $12.75 million contract. The Cardinals will reportedly save $4.75 million in cap space.

--Safety Eric Weddle and the Los Angeles Rams have agreed to a two-year contract, the team announced.

The news came after Weddle visited the Rams' headquarters in Thousand Oaks, Calif. The team did not disclose contract terms, but NFL Network's Ian Rapoport said the deal has a $10.5 million base salary but could be worth as much at $12.5 million.

--Veteran wide receiver Danny Amendola was released by the Miami Dolphins, according to multiple reports.

The Dolphins signed Amendola, a two-time Super Bowl champion with the New England Patriots, to a two-year, $12 million contract a year ago. By releasing him, the Dolphins will free up $6 million in salary cap money.

--The New York Giants traded pass rusher Olivier Vernon to the Cleveland Browns for right guard Kevin Zeitler, according to multiple reports.

The two teams also are swapping mid-round picks in the 2019 NFL Draft, with the Giants sending a fourth-round selection (132nd overall) to the Browns for a fifth-rounder (155th), per NFL Network.

--The Detroit Lions released Pro Bowl guard and team captain T.J. Lang, who had one year left on a three-year contract signed in March 2017.

--The Dallas Cowboys picked up the options on wide receiver Allen Hurns, center Joe Looney and linebacker Joe Thomas, and also signed defensive tackle Daniel Ross to a one-year deal, according to multiple reports.

Hurns, 27, played all 16 games (seven starts) in his first season with the Cowboys, catching 20 passes for 295 yards and two touchdowns. He suffered a gruesome leg injury in a wild-card game against the Seattle Seahawks, suffering a dislocated ankle and fractured knee. He previously has said he expects to be ready for the start of the 2019 season.

Looney, 28, started all 16 games at center in 2018 with All-Pro Travis Frederick missing the entire season due to Guillain-Barre syndrome.

--The Jacksonville Jaguars announced the release of five veterans, including Pro Bowl defensive tackle Malik Jackson, to clear about $30 million in salary cap space.

Reports emerged last week that the Jaguars were trying to trade Jackson and running Carlos Hyde, who also was released. The Jaguars also cut safety Tashaun Gipson, offensive tackle Jermey Parnell and long snapper Carson Tinker.

The Jaguars presumably are trying to free enough cap room to sign free agent quarterback Nick Foles when the league year begins Wednesday.

--Pittsburgh right tackle Marcus Gilbert indicated that he would not be with the Steelers next season, posting the message "Next chapter" on Twitter.

That chapter apparently will be written in Arizona. ESPN's Adam Schefter later reported that the 31-year-old veteran had been traded to the Cardinals for a sixth-round 2019 draft pick.

--Brad Childress is reportedly returning to the NFL as an assistant with the Chicago Bears, two months after resigning as head coach of the Alliance of American Football's Atlanta Legends.

The 62-year-old former head coach of the Minnesota Vikings worked with Bears coach Matt Nagy on the Kansas City Chiefs' staff from 2013-17.

--Field Level Media

Source: https://sports.yahoo.com/nfl-notebook-wr-brown-not-coming-bills-025125421--nfl.html?src=rss