#catnip brand shitpost

[catnipkdodo]

“Bears got ⬅️🕺🕺to get knowledge. ➡️🕺🕺 Bears got ⬅️🕺🕺 to go to college ➡️🕺🕺”

[catnipkdodowrites]

Man, nothing gets my writing juices flowing like procrastinating on a school assignment.

[catnipkdodo]

As my mother always says, “Measure twice, cut once, cause zero werewolf apocalypses.”

[catnipkdodo]

Look, some of you may have noticed I just reblogged a bunch of Avengers Assemble content in a very short time, this is because I am taking a self-care day.

[catnipkdodo]

Heard someone with a thick accent at the family gathering talking about the store called Menards and had to do a double take

[catnipkdodo]

Still not over the gelato we salvaged from the car accident I was in a while back. I swear to god that wasn’t just the normal post-crisis desserts hitting harder than usual, like I genuinely think the way the impact shook that container made that the best textured gelato I will ever have in my life. Like the airiness, the creaminess- it was perfect.

I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re unhappy with the store bought gelato here in America you should swerve your car into a ditch on the way home from the grocery store. (For legal reasons this is a joke.)

Oh yeah I’m fine btw. Seatbelts, man, fantastic invention. Airbags, airbags too. Love those things.

[catnipkdodo]

Currently eating a plate of honey dew, sautéed kale, and ice cream in a cup that I am pretending is a milkshake. One of the more confusing meals of my life.

[catnipkdodo]

I am maximizing my hype

[catnipkdodo]

I think I’d be angrier on a more consistent level if the big concrete events I can point to as evidence for the abuse in my life weren’t so fucking ridiculous.

Like the time my (now)ex-friend tried to catfish me over WATTPAD while staying with me for a sleepover (and catfish other people we both knew irl but the fact that they were catfishing me while at my house was just another level) and doing a really bad job at it. Like I can’t get through recounting the full play by play without laughing. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg with that person! They’re a fucking cartoon character I stg.

Or the fact that my mother has more passion for taxes than for me! Fucking taxes! I’m fairly certain they’re her special interest! She has more passion and bandwidth for taxes than for her own fucking kid! I get that it’s her main source of income, but most people don’t wake up in the dead of night thinking about other people’s tax returns, and how to best maximize their credits. She can’t even fathom her mini-me not actually having a mind for it to point she threatened to put me on the streets if I didn’t take the tax course (though I will admit she probably didn’t really think I would end up the streets, she doesn’t believe that my dad is that homophobic.) And me taking that ax course set of a chain of events that led to me flunking out of college for the foreseeable future. It is more my fault, for planning my life around her and giving her a chance to actually choose me when I knew that she wouldn’t, but still. I she chose taxes over me. Like I’m crying writing this but I have to acknowledge that if a character in a story was obsessed with taxes to the point of neglecting their child and pulling other people in their life into the tax orbit it would be a character that is very clearly meant to be played for laughs and not a serious threat. No one would legitimately believe someone could have that much passion for tax returns. AND YET.

Or the time when I was 13 or 14 and she bullied my pediatrician into giving me Adderall despite: A. Me not actually have a diagnosis and B. I was on an anti-depressant that had a severe interaction with Adderall! My mom’s evidence for giving me adhd meds was compelling, to be fair, and my mom is genuinely successful with adderall (when she takes it but that’s another gallon of worms) plus my dna showed compatibility with it, so it would have been fine without that anti-depressant… if I had ADHD!! The pediatrician being willing to prescribe me as if I had adhd made sense, it runs in my family and historically it has been a struggle to get diagnosed in girls. The doc should have caught that interaction tho. My doc got bullied by my mother into giving me a med I do not need, that’s such a stereotype of overbearing parents is basically and caricature but look where we are now!

Oh, and years later when I got my assessment that diagnosed me with Autism she refused to believe me that the words “Does not present with ADHD” were literally written in the report despite me 1. showing her multiple times. 2. Being there when the report was first read to us. 3. Speaking with my therapist. And 4. having OTHER DOCTORS TELL HER I DON’T HAVE ADHD. This got the point I had a second assessment done specifically to get her off my back about the ADHD thing. She was so shell-shocked in the dr’s office about being wrong lol.

Fuck I should have demanded an apology from her and my stepdad for insisting I have adhd to the point of laughing hysterically at me when I said I didn’t have it. Fuck. I should have made a deal with her over getting that assessment done.

And finally, don’t even get me started on the four gallons of soap incident. I should have known better than to ask my mom for anything that required a reasonable approach and listening to me during tax season, but alas. I thought I was close enough to Christmas to get away with it. Silly me. She bought me four gallons of soap when I just asked for the very specific bottle of shampoo that I accidentally left at the house over Christmas break while at college or an equivalent replacement… so a month later she sent me four gallons of soap that I had no place to store and no use for since I was going to be moving out of the dorms!!! No single person uses a gallon of shampoo and conditioner and two gallons of body wash over a 2.5 month period! I expressly told her I only needed shampoo! I’m mad all over again that was such an insane thing to do. And guess what? WE STILL HAVE THAT SOAP LIKE TWO YEARS LATER.

Fucking hell.

[catnipkdodo]

You know, I thought being catfished from my own house and also while sitting next to me at the restaurant table by one of my so called best friends would be the biggest betrayal of my fucking life but then my mother came in with the steel chair of berating out of applying for college early so I could actually get financial aid and into taking the tax course so that she could maybe get an extra worker at her office.

Also I don’t think I’ve fully unpacked the possible implication that she floated the idea of me taking a gap year between college and high school before I even entered high school specifically so she she could convince me to take the tax course, and I’m not sure I ever will. Just like I’m unsure about ever asking my step-dad if he knew she was planning to kick me out if I didn’t take the tax course. I mean, that one I kind of have to find out, someday, since she waited until he was out of the house to convince me, but that might have also been because she was waiting until the company I had over for my 18th birthday to leave, oh god I just realized that was such a shitty birthday gift lmaooooooooooo.

Unrelated note, I can’t wait until my therapy appointment next week.

[catnipkdodo]

I’m glad I learned that I have the ability to dissociate when bad live music is playing so hard I start hearing pop hits from memory in my head. Today it was Get Him Back! by Olivia Rodrigo that delivered my salvation against that particular shitty metal band. Tomorrow? Who knows? Probably no one, I’m not going to any live shows anytime soon.

Side tangent, that band was spectacularly shitty in such a unique way I feel like I should talk about it more in a future post because I had such a good time riffing on them with the rest of my group.

[catnipkdodo]

I do not enjoy my joints making me into a barometer.

[catnipkdodo]

If I didn’t already know I had autism I probably would have started to suspect something when I burst into tears because my taskbar pinned icons spontaneously rearranged themselves earlier today.

[catnipkdodo]

My intestines think they’re real wise guys. :(

[catnipkdodo]

Told my mother I’ve been afraid of her for almost my entire life today. Ten bucks she forgets like she always does when I tell her something important.

[catnipkdodo]

I can’t believe I missed Present Mic’s birthday. I mean I can since it was my birthday, but usually I’m all egotistical about it.

Ah well. Happy late birthday to the both of us.