#cause i've always lived in a safe neighborhood this is my first experience with feeling explicitly Unsafe so bear with me

[probablyaseamonster]

My paranoid ass, thinking I'm gonna get murdered at any time any time I go outside but even sometimes within the house, getting back into TMA because "nooo, it won't affect me" *pointedly doesn't listen to s1 episode 3 on rebinges*

Goes to the bathroom at 1 AM (the night is the only time I'm actively safe that's my excuse), housemate left the window open (not such an issue now that it's spring), *fucking distorted noise that seems logically to be emanating from a car but is NOT A FUCKING CAR SOUND IN ANY SETTING and also sounds stupidly fictional like a common SFX to boot*

"Ah, so this is when I get killed. They gonna frame this as a suicide aren't they. And goddamnit my hair is doing the anime mom thing I explicitly do Not want to be the fridged trope but I guess my protests were always ignored. I wonder if I have time to write up a will or if they're coming any second"

And being CHILL about that shit-?

[aethernightmare]

People complain about HOA's a lot online, but the only people I've ever known to complain about them in-person were the most insufferable people to live next to.

- Loud frat-style parties randomly in the middle of the week lasting until 4am. - Broken glass, human waste, destroyed furniture, and other garbage everywhere the morning afterwards, including your yard/deck/driveway. - Constant intoxication, including with hard illegal substances, that can cause them to become paranoid, angry, and violent. - Blasting music either outdoors, or loud enough to be heard through closed windows and my own set of noise-cancelling headphones. - Burning toxic waste like plastic or motor oil. - Loose animals known to attack people. - Kids who deliberately and frequently destroy property or steal anything not bolted own. (Including ripping up gardens). - Cutting down whole-ass trees in other people's yards. - Having their kids dig holes all over the neighborhood for some reason?? I really don't understand this one. But they've cut underground cables like a dozen times now. - Underage kids (~5-9 years old) using hunting rifles to poach random wildlife and shoot at neighboring houses. - Bolt-cutting farm animal fences (in our case cows) so that their kids can play in the pasture. Freaking out the cows, and causing them to get loose in the process. - Illegal fireworks that literally blew a hole in my roof (some of which were also aimed intentionally at my elderly mother while she was minding her own business outside, in broad daylight). - Loud vehicles that aren't street-legal racing back and forth for 10+ hours a day. - Installing play forts, trampolines, and other equipment fully on other people's property instead of their own, including in said fenced farm pens. (Yes, they literally break/jump fences to gain access to and modify other people's private spaces). - Cockroaches, mice, rats, ants, and other pests from the state of their living situations starting to infest everyone else around them. - Getting called racial slurs and receiving other threats of bodily harm unprompted. - Putting 'stolen' things in my yard and then calling the cops on me in an attempt to frame me for the "crime". (Thankfully I was home and recorded them on my phone). - Trying to frame me installing a basic doorbell camera as "watching their kids". (Lmao wtf???? I installed it for packages and because I didn't feel safe anymore! It doesn't even point their way!) - Taking nude OnlyFans photos in my backyard, with my stuff, when they thought I wasn't home. - Full-blown domestic disputes that resulted in one neighbor shooting their roommate dead in the parking lot. (I cancelled that lease asap).

It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together to figure out that the people complaining about always getting "kicked out" of said communities...probably have no real sense of community to begin with. Outside of maybe an artificially-constructed online persona of "goodness" based on mimicking the trendy opinions of the time (regardless of actual morality, practicality, or personal practice in the real world).

"Uwu HOA's are bad because they won't let us have gardens and get upset when the lawn isn't mowed". Bullshit Beckie, we all know you don't have the commitment or sobriety to even handle grass, let alone a whole garden. You aren't the type of person to have any hobbies that require a semblance of presence or lucidity. You're just upset your awful behavior isn't being tolerated, and that you're facing consequences for the first time.

TL;DR, I high-key don't trust the sort of person who complains online about HOA's in general, for the same reason I don't trust people who complain about their neighbors having really basic door cameras to make sure people don't steal packages, trespass, or commit other forms of vandalism. Which, fun fact, in my experience has always been a circular venn diagram. Most HOA's don't ban gardens or anything else these people say they do. Those who get fined/kicked out tend to just lie to friends or the internet about the reason, because they know exposing their actual behavior wouldn't be tolerated in any context.

Anyways, I got no sleep last night, I'm covered in hives that aren't reducing with medication, and so I'm quite pissy today. Remember, you can still be pro-universal housing while also being mature enough to put your foot down and say "immature, selfish, and unhinged behavior doesn't fly here". Likewise, you can't force some people to get along in the same space. We both have valid but extremely different needs, and as a result we can't be good neighbors to one another.

I can't stress enough either I get along fine with all my other neighbors, and likewise they also all hate the few problematic people just as much as I do.

[flameontheotherside]

So I Thought

*sigh* 😔 I gave this song a real listen earlier today and realized... Holy fucking fuck this song pretty much sums up our relationship. So sin e I have nothing better to do I broke it down in to parts. The song is below. I especially loooooooove the male harmony with it. I tear up towards the end. 😭😭😭😭 This song is perfect and it's so cry-worthy.

All your twisted thoughts free flow

To everlasting memories

Show soul

This part is like pouring out our darkest thoughts. Pouring out our souls leaving our feelings about each other out in the open. Our past lives and memories about who we were in the past are analized to reveal who we truly are on a soul level.

Kiss the stars with me

And dread the wait for

Stupid calls returning to us to life

We created a space for us both in a sort of dimension. We have a home and this is a safe place I visit when I'm with Erik. The only time I can go there is at night before bed because I'm still alive and I have to keep myself grounded in reality. I dread when it's time to go to bed. Sometimes I'll stay up a little later just to hang out with Erik a little longer. Sometimes because of my schedule I'm too tired to visit Erik. I go to the gym, I work, hang out with my friends and stay as human as possible with keeping him in my heart and in everything I do.

We say to those who are in love

It can't be true 'cause we're too young

I know that's true because so long I was

So in love with you

So I thought

Sometimes we tell those who are young that love at that age isn't real. But who are we to judge whether was is real love? We don't have a right to tell someone such. In our past lives we met with adversity. People in all our past lives didn't understand our love and told us it wasn't allowed. When I was younger and the first two years of Erik's death. I fell in love with this entity that always felt like I was being held in my sleep. When I couldn't sleep I'd get this feeling I was being protected and I felt better. Then I convinced myself it wasn't real and so much was going on I eventually forgot about Erik.

A year goes by

And I can't talk about it

With each passing year since I met Erik, I am getting older and it's harder to talk about how this experience effects me. No one really knows how much it really hurts.

On my knees

Dim lighted room

Thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this

I'm not faithless

Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose

I try to lean on God and have faith that I will be free from self doubt. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. I'm constantly trying to keep myself grounded. I don't want to be crazy and I'm afraid that I already am. This spiritual journey is unbelievable and hard to understand. God is always there like a parent keeping me on my path.

Ignorance is bliss cherish it

Pretty neighborhoods you learn to much to hold

Believe it not

And fight the tears

With pretty smiles and lies about the times

I wish I could go back sometimes to when I never knew about my TF or erase everything and ignored my intuitions I've had my whole life about Erik. I lived a sheltered life but I wasn't protected against my intuition until it was too late. When I think about our relationship I fight back the tears and crack jokes about our relationship to cover up the pain.

A year goes by

And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right

And I couldn't talk about it

Time rolls by and I feel uncomfortable addressing how timing wasn't right for either of us in all our lives together. Poor timing and all of our relationships, in every life kept secret and still in this life it feels hard to talk about how deep our relationship is. Carried over to this life I still feel shamed.

Chorus romance says goodnight

Close your eyes and I'll close mine

Remember you, remember me

Hurt the first, the last between

Slowly romance says good night

Close your eyes and I'll close mine

Remember you, remember me

Hurt the first, the last, between

We practice death when we sleep. We remember being together in our past lives and in between them. In my dreams over the years he tried to get my attention. I remember in my dreams who he was.

And I'm praying that we will see

Something there in between

Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

So we can talk about it

We want to finally have a real life of our own. All of our past lives together we weren't supposed to be. We want what goes beyond our dreams and we want to talk about it.

Hurt the first, the last healing

From the first to last lifetime it hurt that our relationships were met with adversity. We are healing those wounds.

And all these twisted thoughts I see

Jesus there in between

And all these twisted thoughts I see

Jesus there in between

In all the darkness and pain that surrounds us there is light that still shines through.

[catholicartistsnyc]

Meet: Emily Claire Schmitt

EMILY CLAIRE SCHMITT is a NYC-based playwright. (www.emilyclaireschmitt.com and Twitter: @Eclaire082)

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION (CAC): What brought you to NYC?

EMILY CLAIRE SCHMITT (ECS): I'm originally from Cincinnati, Ohio and I did my undergrad at Saint Mary's College in Indiana.  I always hoped to move to New York and I was fortunate that a few things fell into place for me when I graduated.  I was accepted into the New School for Drama's MFA program directly from undergrad.  I had applied to schools all over the country, and this happened to be both my top choice and only acceptance letter.  My college boyfriend's family is from Staten Island, so he moved back home and we were able to stay together.  Now that boyfriend is my husband, so I'm here to stay.

CAC: What do you see as your personal mission as a Catholic working in the arts?

ECS: First off, I love this question.  I think about this a lot, and I always try to pray a bit before I start writing, even if what I'm working on isn't an overtly religious piece.  I believe that God wants to be present with us as we grapple with the world and, while I don't let religious doctrines limit the content of my writing, my writing is always filtered through a worldview that God exists.  

A great deal of my art is critical of the institutional Church, but I'm still very insistent that I am a Catholic writer, as opposed to a formerly Catholic writer. There is a fundamental difference between someone who critiques from within and someone who has left the Church and is describing the experience that caused them to leave.  This distinction is supremely important to me.

I believe my vocation as a writer is to be a tool for God to express Themself in the world.  Sometimes this means representing the beauty of God's world, but more often than not it means shining light on that which is not in alignment with the Divine, whether within secular society or within the Church.  I hope that my work makes both religious and secular people uncomfortable.  I hope it makes them wonder what God thinks about them.

CAC: Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

ECS: I've been extremely fortunate to have made great connections with fellow Catholics in the arts.  I've worked with Xavier Theatre and Film, a Jesuit theater company, and they produced a showcase of my play "The Chalice" at the Stonewall Inn.  This was one of the highlights of my career thus far, an intersection of the Catholic and secular world that was truly fulfilling.

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

ECS: It's a mixed bag.  Grad school was not a positive experience for me in terms of acceptance. After 16 years of Catholic education, I was suddenly in a secular world and I made a lot of mistakes in terms of how I presented myself.  I was wrestling with my faith privately, but fiercely defending it publicly, which is never a good tactic.  I didn't feel safe.  I no longer work with anyone from grad school, and that's best for all of us.

However, post graduation I have really found an artistic community with people of all faiths.  I have frequent collaborators who are non-Catholic Christians, members of other faiths, atheists, and agnostics.  I've found a particular home with The Skeleton Rep, a theater company that focuses on "building modern myth."  My religious beliefs really mesh with their interests, despite being a completely secular company.  I am currently developing a musical with them. 

CAC: How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

ECS: Stop policing our content.  The vocation of an artist is to observe, critique, and respond.  It is not the vocation of the artist to simply listen and accept doctrine without question.  This means that there is an essential tension between the work of being an artist and the work of being a practicing Catholic.

As an artist, I don't have the luxury of keeping my disagreements with the Church private. I promise I'm listening and it's possible to change my mind. Please be patient with me.

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

ECS: I think this is a difficult question because in most of the instances where people have been unwelcoming to me, it's because they have been hurt in some serious way by the Church.  It's taken me a long time to accept that, while I have not personally hurt them, I am part of an institution that has and it's not unreasonable for them to ask me to answer for that.

I try to be clear about my beliefs and about why I have chosen to remain in the Church.  I also try to articulate how I'm striving to make the Church better, while remaining firm in my support of Her.  I have to be both gentle and unafraid about how and why I disagree with the secular world as well.  Once again, I promise I'm listening and it's possible to change my mind.  Please be patient with me.

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment?

ECS: I'm a bit of a parish hopper.  When I first came to NYC I fell in love with Saint Francis Xavier, near Union Square.  Their Young Adults Group was a great community for me, but after moving to Brooklyn and back I'm not as involved as I once was.  I've become more interested in traditional, more formal, liturgies. Saint Joseph of Yorkville is a beautiful neighborhood parish that has a highly reverent modern mass.  There are so many families with children there, it gives me great hope.  And the pastor is the man who reported on McCarrick so that's no small thing.... I like a priest I can respect, for obvious reasons.

When I'm feeling in particular need of deep ritual, I do love a Latin Mass. Saint Agnes by Grand Central is a great place to go for that. 

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find artistic fulfillment?

ECS: I already mentioned The Skeleton Rep, but one thing they do which I love are monthly artist salons.  Artists will get together, drink wine, and read new work, either a full play or short plays based on a prompt.  There is no formal feedback, just a chance for the writer to hear her play.  And afterwards we have a party.

CAC: How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist living in NYC?

ECS: Connecting with Brother Joe Hoover at Xavier Theater has really connected me with a great community of Catholic artists.  He has a way of making connections and bringing together a dynamic and diverse group of people with a huge variety of perspectives on the faith.  If you ever get the chance to work with them I highly recommend it.  Joe is a fantastic playwright and actor in his own right.

CAC: What is your daily spiritual practice?

ECS: I wish I had a better one...  I pray every day before I write.  My husband and I pray together before meals.  Recently, we've been doing a daily reflection before bed.  It's just one of those Little Blue Books you pick up from your parish during Advent, but it's been great.

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice? And what are your recommendations to other artists for practicing their craft daily?

ECS: I try to write for an hour every morning after working out and before leaving for work. This is really my sacred time: after my husband leaves, freshly showered, and place to myself.  It's short but it's extremely important.  And I can't stress enough the value of praying before you write. 

CAC: Describe a recent day in which you were most completely living out your vocation as an artist. What happened, and what brought you the most joy?

ECS: The most recent Skeleton Rep salon was on New Year's Eve.  I wrote a short piece for the event which spoke of my Catholic faith and it's relationship to the mission of the company.  Afterwards, another artist present pulled me aside to talk about how he is a Catholic as well but had stopped going to Church.  He was interested in going back, so we spent a long time talking about why I felt it was important for young Catholic artists to be in the faith and engage with it from the inside.  The whole conversation was so fulfilling for me. 

CAC: You actually live in NYC? How!?

ECS: I need to be completely up front and say that I have been incredibly privileged in terms of financial support from my family.  This is something we do not talk about enough in the arts.  My parents paid my rent and my tuition while I was in school and I am debt-free.  I'm also married to someone with a traditional career who contributes the majority of our income.  I am so incredibly fortunate it's not even funny.  

CAC: But seriously, how do you make a living in NYC?

ECS: Even with the financial support, I do have a full-time day job.  I don't know how anyone would make rent or buy groceries without one.  I work in social media marketing, which is great because it's mostly all remote.  I've also been nannying for my cousin's baby so making that sweet side cash.

It's a lot of work, and keeping my passion afloat on top if it, and making sure it remains my focus rather than just a "hobby" is a constant battle.

CAC: How much would you suggest artists moving to NYC budget for their first year?

ECS: I can't give a great answer to this, because it's so varied and I was in school when I started.  But consider that your monthly rent is likely to be over 1K no matter where you live.

CAC: What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in NYC?

ECS: I can't recommend enough reaching out to Xavier Theater for professional connections.  In terms of headshots, Joe Loper is a former classmate of mine who does a great job and is very reasonable. http://joeloper.com/

CAC: What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists moving to NYC?

ECS: 1.) Don't rush finding your people.  It's a big city and it takes time.

2.) Exercise.

3.) Go to confession.  Why make art with sin on your soul?