flameontheotherside - Tumblr blog

[flameontheotherside]

I love Costanza! Everything about him is my favorite character 😂.

[flameontheotherside]

I may be in a funk but I'm celebrating 420!

[flameontheotherside]

The faces of my boy 🥹

[flameontheotherside]

Just bored ...

[flameontheotherside]

Feeling Trapped

I just need to get it off my chest...

I dont want to die because I have a son who needs me. But I don't want to be here either. I feel like I'm trapped here on a shit planet filled with shit people. Alone. I know I'm not alone but I feel alone.

I'm tired of my dreams with Erik putting me in a funk too. Dreams are all I have of Erik. All I ever have and it's not enough. I don't want to continue living an empty life without him. I don't want this kind of long distance relationship anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really just crazy or if I'm being put through this living hell by some negative force.

I know if I change the way I look at this, it's not as depressing as it seems. Erik begged me today to change my perspective. The thing is I can change the way I see my life and this journey but I just don't feel motivated to. My relationship with Erik has it's ups and downs.

The downside to loving your twin soul who is dead is that they are dead. You can't hug them, you can't really be with them. Being a sensory person it's so hard because I need to be held right now and no one else would do.

I've spent 7 years doing this. Every once in a while I have a small meltdown either around our anniversary or his birthday or death anniversary. It gets tiring but I can't give this all up. I feel this journey is something I'm meant to be on and it's evident in the DMs I get from the people I help(ed) by keeping this blog.

I know in my heart if hearts that I would have loved him as I have in our past lives, in this one unconditionally. The fact I never got the chance to is what hurts the most. It hurt so fucking much. I have to stay alive as much as it kills me to and I really don't want to fucking be here right now. I just can't take it anymore. If only something would just happen...

😘💕 Don't worry, I'll be fine...

[flameontheotherside]

I needed to see this

[flameontheotherside]

Happy Anniversary, Were going to Vegas!

I'm there mainly to see system of a down and Slipknot. We go on the 26th and return on the 29th. I'm super excited to go see SOAD for the second time since 2006. I'm not to sure about seeing them perform Chop Suey tho. I still can't listen to it.

Anyway we will be staying at a casino resort, my mom will be meeting us there flying in from Florida to watch Ricky while we are at the festival. I'm not sure what to expect so this is a mix of happy excitement and nerves.

I can't believe it's another year for Erik and I!

It's 7 years now but it feels like 10 and I'm not sure why lol. Every year I think more time has passed but no...it's only 7 years now!

I know I've not been very vocal lately but that's because there isn't much happening between us. We talk every single days but the work is mainly trying to feel comfortable with seeing him and to be honest it doesn't feel like it'll ever be easier.

Anyways...

😘💕....here's to another year! 🍻

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

Baby #2!

No, I'm not pregnant yet but the plan is to be in two years! We want to wait until Ricky is out of diapers before we try and by then my implant will have expired. I'm excited and scared but mostly excited 😊.

Not much is going on between Erik and I. I'm always too tired to talk to him but I continue to work on seeing him more in my dreams. Which is still hard because I don't usually have control of my dreams. He's there or he isn't. I feel him with me when I go to bed and when I wake up which is nice...

If I had my way I'd already have about 4 kids but here we are...😞

😘💕 Good night!

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

[flameontheotherside]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY!