#cause like what if ive fully just convinced myself i think he's attractive but I actually dont think he is and I'm just jerking him around

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

mental breakdown in the tags incoming scroll past for your own well being

[humankoalaa]

this episode 🤣

camouflage? who dis? we don’t know her. Jefferson suit gots the cure for herpes im convinced.

Lmaaoooo the way Jefferson fell after getting hit in the head 🤣🤣 y’all see how he turned his head? childish.

Jenn breaking my heart rn.

lmao she said “sort of” GIRL IT IS ABOUT KHALIL. ok.

“they might send me to nun school if i do that” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 i love jenn. so damn petty.

she just wants her family and to be normal 😭 protect my bb at all costs.

gambi dead ass casually eavesdropping and drawing a motorcycle that i fully expect to build itself and end world hunger cause gambi is chuck Norris and can do all things through Christ. and then a gun next to him. clearly he’s ready for the reckoning.

wait gambi got lil muscles tho y’all see them arms? hell im gay as hell but them arms i almost questioned if this is the life for me. then i remembered i threw up on a dick once so that’s that.

LMAOOOO looker if you don’t get your teen link looking ass off my screen. ion have the time for this foolishness. “I tried to model myself after you” 🤣🤣 MEANWHILE she says shes not racist. yet she tryna kill the black baby. giiiirrrlllll WhAt iS tHe TrUtH?! just a lil racist orrrr racist when its convenient? I 👏🏾 NEED 👏🏾ANSWERS 👏🏾

jefferson 🤣🤣🤦🏾‍♀️ “no your tshirt would say I killl and hang perdi from trees. YALL IM CRYN. now thats the type is savagery i need from Jefferson. he still the king of L’s but he’s trying.

looker and her peasants got to be the simplest errr kidnappers? in the world? . .. like .. HoW yOu GoNnA eLeCtRoCuTe SoMeOnE wItH IiGhTnInG iN tHeIr NaMe?! 🤣🤣🤦🏾‍♀️ i can’t. i just can’t 😂💀

PAUSE.. anything walks it’s ass or jump out a bag on its own rolling around and shit im gone. fuck the baby moms err body.

KOBE! i see you Lynn.

oooh bih looker done slapped jeff 🤦🏾‍♀️ ANOTHER L for mr. pierce. he’s taken 3 L’s so far in this episode....it’s been 10 minutes. k.

ooooo imma renig on that cause he just beat the cat shit outta them peasants. DAS MY BOIIIIIII!

“thanks for the charge tho” 😂

that no look punch 🤣😩💀 jefferson ain’t here for nobody’s shit rn.

Khalil and jenn rn... pains me to admit this is a beautiful scene.

HE KNOWS. JEFFERSON KNOWS!

anissa in leather. DROOL. i want to thank pigs, buffalos, crocodiles, sheep’s, goats and cows for their professionalism, unrelenting perseverance and loyal devotion to their duties. cause... leather.

episode after episode i say the same thing this gots to be the ghettoest reverend in the world 🤣 like what reverand needs to carry a strap? 😂 lahhddd fix it gzus.

ahh shit here go Tobias.

look at khalil 🤦🏾‍♀️ he gon cry in the car WAYMENT he done took off 😂

Khalil.... so we just gon hide behind trash cans? i promise... you dumber than you look. k.

jenn invented ride or die. fite me!

HENDERSON 😭 ... “is that a baby?” bruh... what it look like?

OOOOOHHH BIH YAAASSSS JENN YAAAASSSSS BABY LIGHTNING USING HER POWERS IM CRYING 😭 ugh they grow up so fast.

khalil lookin at jenn like shes goku from dragonball-z is a mood.

looker wants to be Zelda so bad.

IVE MISSED ANISSA AND THIs DAMN SUIT SO MUCH 😭

i ain’t even see that fight yet but i already know looker and her peasants cants handle and don’t wants dat smoke.

that stomp is just really attractive and like i just wanna be the floor.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 looker... what are those nails gonna do? ugh when will they learn.

maannnn this ain’t even a fair fight. im deeaaddd. looker .. baby.. you tried.. thank u, next.

now i wanna be lookers neck.

thunder clap 🤤 i wanna be her palms 🤣🤣

lol the fact that this bitch needed an entire pick up basketball team to beat anissa.

BOUT GOT DAMN TIME JEFFERSON! the fuck were you doing? stretching?

BRUUUHHHHHH 😦i

anissa going full nerd 😍 im pregnant.

🤣🤣 jeff don’t have the slightest clue what shes babbling about 😩

OMG “please stop” 😩😭

“i will pay you to stop” IM GONE YALL DECEASED.

jeff has officially redeemed himself. all inherited L’s from this episode well... let’s not get ahead ourselves.

MAN GIVE ME THUNDERGRACE OR RUN ME MY FADE.

man they wrong for that 😩 got her thinking her babies are dead 🤦🏾‍♀️

WAYMENT .. where’d her dads dreads go? he just had ablit 14 dreads in his head now they’re gone.. 🤭

lol ty. let me prepare for my demise.

ITS TIME!

anissa causally watching girlfriends cackling like she didn’t just basically kill looker and beat up a basketball team is A+ unintentional comedy. an unbothered Queen i stan.

grace caressimg Anissa’s leg is a whole ass vibe. she wants buns and you can’t tell me otherwise.

chantal and nafessa are beautiful.

“well i know you fine” 🤣🤣

the look grace gave her and anissa just dying is a MOOOODDDDD.

HOLY SHIT.

(sidenote how is grace STILL attractive as a reptile? idk what she is but im so SO down)

I KNEW IT! jefferson just knew that was gambis broken drone 🤣

HIT HIS ASSSS ... then apologize and respect your elders jeff.

soft ass. like jeff you could’ve smacked him first dammit.

lmao and somehow lynn manages to irritate tf outta me with that damn worry face pause blink 😩 i love her tho.

GO AWWFFFF LYNN

snitch.

soooooo jenn can legit errr end humanity? got it. ... we been knew 🙄

ok like i don’t care about this.

seriously jenn 😒 I WAS ROOTING FOR U WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR U!

wow..... they seriously cut thundergrace scenes lololol.

hm... or not?

[chrispy-pancakes]

Thrift Town

The day I worked up the courage to ask Janice for her number she was working the night shift at the corner thrift store. A close friend of mine convinced me to start shopping thrift after flaunting his cool vintage knick knacks. One Sunday morning while browsing the toy section I had stumbled upon an old Luke Skywalker action figure from Episode IV: A New Hope still in its original boxing. Blown out of my mind, speechless, staring down at Luke, Janice creeps up behind me looking as cute as can be asking, “big Star Wars fan eh?”. There are no words to describe, even until this day, how lucky I felt to be talking to such a gorgeous human being. Anxiety taking over I could only manage to mutter back, “yes”. We stared at one another for what seemed like a lifetime until Janice smiled curiously and at walked away. Days to come I wanted to shoot myself in the foot for not saying more than YES. For fuck sakes I could have responded a hundred different ways and I chose one out of two basic words to reply with. Weeks later I became a regular customer at Thrift Town. Although, I had not seen Janice around after a few visits I had it in my mind that I wouldn’t give up. By chance, It was a friday night, my shift had just ended and I decided to drop by the thrift store on my way home, Janice was working. Pulling up to the store I could see her walking around the store through the front windows. I didn’t want to come off as a creep so when I stepped inside the store I walked towards the opposite end of Janice. Surprisingly, she noticed me walking in and smiles at me but in a WELCOME TO THRIFT TOWN sort of way. At first I was confused as to whether or not she was smiling at me because she remembered me or it was her job to be overly polite to customers. Either way she was headed in my direction so naturally I panic and stop walking where I stood. Janice taps me on the shoulder asking, “are you shopping for a girlfriend?”. Instantly blood rushes to my head turning my face an apple red. I hadn’t realized I was standing in the women’s clothing area. Hesitantly, awkwardly smiling, I say, “oh no, I didn’t realize what section I was in.” Janice chuckles sweetly easing my anxiety. After Janice breaking the ice we continue to walk around the store talking until worked up the courage to ask Janice for her number. It was great, everything happened like I pictured it in my head. Soon enough we were texting daily which lead to going out for coffee which then turned into dates to the movies, restaurants, bookstores. After weeks of hanging out we decided out of the blue that we liked one another’s company so we started we made it official and started dating. Janice had turned my life around and everyday my feelings for her were growing beginning the first day she walked up to me in the toy aisle of Thrift Town.

The first time I met John I was working the floor shift at Thrift Town. He was wandering the store aimlessly, which is not abnormal for a thrift store, but something about Tom made me curious to meet him. Honestly, my first impression of him was sad and depressing, I sort of felt bad for him. When I walked up to Tom in the toy section he was holding a Luke Skywalker action figure so I had asked him if he was a Star Wars fan. I may have surprised him or something because it took what seemed like forever for him to respond. He was just staring at me with a blank look on his face that was creeping me out. When Tom finally replied I think he said that he was a Star Wars fan. He said it too low I could barely make out exactly what he said. Trying to think of what he just said without asking we both stared at each other awkwardly for way too long it was a little concerning. To break the awkwardness I walked in the opposite direction slowly until I saw a pile of clothes on the floor needing to be sorted. Three weeks later I had just made it back to work from using up all my vacation time mostly sleeping in and watching t.v. It was a typical Friday night, nobody coming into the store since there are better things to do on a Friday night than going to the thrift store. Well that goes for the average person at lease and not to my surprise Tom walks in while I was making my aisle runs. My first instinct was to avoid him after the turnout of our first meeting. Then I thought what the heck lets see what fun I stir up from the boredom lingering around the place. as soon as he looks over at me I smiled at him and walked over to him. Tom was acting like he didn’t notice me and turns his back facing me. While I was walking over to Tom he gave me this look of confusion and looked behind both of hiss shoulders as though confused I was looking at him. Tom was a total goofball back then. As I reached closer to him I noticed he was in the women's wear section so I automatically assume he had a girlfriend. Then I noticed he didn’t look like he knew what he was looking for, or anything at all for that matter. Turns out he was just using his peripherals to see if I was walking over to him. Arriving at his back I tap him on the shoulder and as he turns to face me he was my favorite color, cherry red. Tom was very nervous and I am pretty sure I made matters worse by asking him if he was shopping for his girlfriend. Tom was not the kind of guy I would go for normally but something about him was attractive this time around. After walking around aimlessly talking about Star Wars and other nerdy topics Tom asked for my number. At first I didn’t want to give him my number but I felt like he was harmless enough so i gave it to him anyways. Plus, unlike other guys Tom got to know me a little before asking which was a nice change of pace. He texts me about a week later and it doesn’t take long for it to become routine. Guys always do that, they text you for so long and forget about asking you out on a date. If Tom hadn’t asked me out for coffee at the time he did we wouldn’t be talking now cause I lost interest way before he asked. We went out for coffee and sure enough I sink right back into whatever it was that attracted me to Tom. We start hanging out more and more until Tom started acting weird. He started smiling at me uncontrollably and texted me randomly about how lucky he was to have a person like me in his life. It was nice having company all the time but I think Tom was getting the wrong idea, I even think he assumed we were dating. Not that I didn’t like Tom but he was making it way too easy. There was no flare with us, no spontaneity. He must have been crushed the days that followed me no longer returning his texts or his phone calls.  

Tom and Janice started out building something nice. Although, their ideas of what a relationship consist of clashed in the end the both of them could not neglect the connection that had formed between them. Janice may have been the one reluctant to get fully involved with Tom but in her defense Tom was starting to get clingy. It is general knowledge that clingy people are the worst. Shortly after they parted ways Tom went through the biggest depression in his life. Janice on the other hand met someone else the day after she decided to ghost Tom. Anthony was his name. Janice will forever regret that she let Tom get away. Just like with Tom and Janice’s relationship Anthony walked into Thrift Town and swooped Janice right off her feet. Anthony was the typical guy Janice went for. He was toned and was up to date with hairstyles and the latest fashion. Ant, as Janice would later learn to call him, was an abusive alcoholic. Janice learned to love Anthony with flaws and all never able to get Tom out of mind. Tom became a saint she would turn to on the nights Anthony would be at his worse. Years later Tom and Janice would meet again at the local grocery store. Janice will be holding a pack of beer and Tom the hand of a beautiful woman. It was at this point in Janice’s life when she accepted her fate. Janice had always hoped she would run into Tom again, maybe share a conversation about Star Wars or Thrift Town. Maybe all Janice wanted was to spend some quality time with anyone else and have a quite conversation. Janice was not bothered by her situation and what could have. To Janice, life was a bunch of choices you have to make and one slip you are in shit. It was the last time Tom and Janice would ever see each other never to find out what became of one another. Eventually, Tom did go to back to the Thrift Town and asked a cashier about Janice. The cashier had no clue who he was talking about and Tom was fine knowing he tried and left Thrift Town for the last time. 

[averyconradwilde]

Introduction

Hi, I'm grateful that I found other de-transitioning and re-identifying womyn on here. I'm 48 years old and I medically transitioned FTM 26 years ago. I started T in 1992, underwent mastectomy in 1994 and hysterectomy in 2003. I was considered ‘very passable’ by social standards. I served as an FTM support group facilitator and transgender youth advocate, and I worked as a cultural competency trainer for human services organizations wishing to better serve transgender clients. At no time during the early years was I aware of any doubt/regret/grief or did I ever have any reason to think I was misdiagnosed. In fact, during my ‘honeymoon period’ of the first 10 years, I was blissfully happy. (Anyone who wants to proclaim that I was ‘never truly trans’ is out of their fucking mind).

However as time went on, if pressed, I could admit that there were some things about my transition I was deeply disenfranchised about. My mastectomy surgery was complicated by a post-surgical infection that resulted in a failed nipple graft; this resulted in full loss of sensation and additional scarring on one side that I had not expected and I experienced extreme shame about this. My boyish chest and my plans for shirt-free living had not materialized to my satisfaction.

I also identified as a gay male and I experienced a level of sexual rejection from gay men (which I had frankly never experienced from straight men when previously living  as a woman). I let this eat away at me and really undermine my sense of self. I began to feel extremely inferior and inadequate about not having a penis and extremely shameful and loathsome about having female anatomy. I eventually did find love and settle down. However, for the first 10 years of my relationship, I was convinced that at any moment my partner would leave me for a ‘real man’.

I began to experience a growing sense of despondency regarding the fact that my transition had come to a plateau and there were still no truly viable options for phalloplasty. My previous experiences with surgery made me very doubtful that the scar tissue, possibility for necrosis, loss of sensation, etc. were risks I would ever be willing to take. 

Regular check ups revealed that I had an ovarian tumor and needed a hysterectomy. After this surgery, I experienced another post-surgical infection and had to be re-admitted for IV antibiotics. About 5 years after that surgery, I began to  experience painful sex and frequent UTI- which doctors diagnosed as atrophic vaginitis attributed to estrogen deficiency and longterm use of testosterone. I began treating it with a topical estrogen and a prophylactic antibiotic regimen. The antibiotics gave me yeast infections. Now I was in a position to require life-long medical intervention to treat the side effects of life-long medical intervention. The irony was not lost on me. 

The good news is that my intimate partnership persisted and eventually I was able to finally experience being present in my own body during sex without the mental gymnastics of having to fantasize about having a penis. What I experienced was a genderlessness/formlessness/freedom that I could only describe as spiritual. This happened very gradually through no effort on my part to change my orientation or identity. And this experience was not at all rooted in ‘internalized transphobia’; which is an explanation that some folks would offer to debunk the validity of de-transition as an act of liberation.

However, this experience of freedom from dysphoria and being at home in my body also came with a high degree of cognitive dissonance. I felt slightly guilty; like I was somehow betraying my queerness by no longer mentally exercising a strictly bob-on-boy masculine identity. And it was challenging to my self concept to learn that the very thing that made me want to be male in the first place (fantasizing/feeling a phantom penis) was something that now was not only unnecessary, but was actively causing my own suffering. 

I began to desire wholeness and being at-home in my body without despising my anatomy and without wishing for other anatomy. I finally realized that I was grieving my natural, non-medicated pre-transition experience.  Even though I could not remember a time when I hadn’t wanted to be male, I now knew it was possible to love myself as a female bodied person and I began to wonder how my life would have been different without the need to filter every moment through the lens of wanting desperately to be male. 

Furthermore, I came to despise the masculine role I'd taken on. I realized that I no longer had the close bonds with women I’d enjoyed before and that I was grieving this level of intimacy. And I could finally really see evidence of white male privilege in my own life and I became saddened and appalled at my failure to be an ally to women and people of color. During times when I tried to speak up on behalf of challenging sexism and gender stereotypes, I felt that my words were misinterpreted as ‘mansplaining’ and that my passing as male so successfully meant that I was forever an outsider to the people who I shared such a fundamental experience with. I started to hate my own paralysis and complicity in the toxic masculinity and racism which mainstream culture is so clearly seeped in.

In therapy, I eventually came to the conclusion that I transitioned too young (age 22), under the wrong circumstances (abusing street drugs) and for the wrong reasons (self-loathing rooted in misogyny and untreated trauma at having been a rape and abuse survivor). This gave me a new lens with which to think critically about my choices and the desire to heal these parts of myself that I abandoned by unconsciously seeking to obliterate them through transition.

For the last 3 years I've been exploring social de-transition through wearing what would typically be considered ‘feminine' and/or ‘androgynous’ clothing, using gender neutral name and pronouns, and reclaiming my body. I am actually enjoying my own femaleness and I no longer obsess on any rare instances of gender dysphoria. I've removed 90% of my facial hair and 60% of my body hair through laser treatments. I'm taking a modest dose of estrogen, Gabapentin, and a low dose of T to cope with debilitating hot flashes.

I am now so permanently masculinized that I am usually perceived as MTF- although I sometimes pass a female if I’ve had a very close shave and I am dressed very stereotypically ‘female”, and if I use my voice very quietly.

My instinct is telling me to proceed with legal de-transition because now that I'm learning to appreciate my body, I'm finally feeling more pride and alignment with being female and desiring to have my public identity synchronized with these experiences. 

However, if I am to be completely honest about it, my tendency is to sometimes fixate on restoring myself physically (as well as possible) to my original pre-transition condition when no amount of new medical interventions are ever going to undo what has happened; let alone fully heal everything I’ve been through. The healing has to come from inside. 

Furthermore, my partner of 19 years (who I dearly love), is decidedly gay and although he tolerates my new androgynous look, he’s expressed a feeling of not being attracted to my more ‘feminine’ side. After building a life together, adopting and raising two young children together, I have a very hard time with the possibility of risking all that when maybe I could be content with a genderqueer or gender neutral identity. 

Anyway, I'm not looking for advice, just support and community.

[pinteressay]

Sickly Skinny:  A mosaic memoir by Cristina Casas

“Have you lost weight?” was my grandmother’s way of saying “I love you”. The women of my extended family who developed type II diabetes from being overweight would constantly and relentlessly fat-shame other women as a way to hide their own insecurities about their weight. Both of my parents wanted to lose weight but couldn’t stick to a diet and exercise plan. But I was the one to develop an eating disorder at 14. The kid who had never cared what others thought, who put about five minutes of time into her appearance every day, who when she wasn’t in a school uniform was in her self-appointed uniform of solid colored t-shirts and dark washed skinny jeans. That was the kid that went from 135 lbs to 100 lbs in two months.

The Worst Things I Heard When I Lost 35 Lbs in Two Months at 15

1.   “Have you lost weight?!?!?!”

2.   “You look absolutely amazing!”

3.   “What diet are you on? And how can I do it too?”

4.   “I won’t eat unless you will too” - my best friend (soon to be boyfriend) who thought he was helping

5.   “What’s your secret?”

6.   “Let’s go shopping so you can donate all your old clothes that are too big!”

7.   “You’re so lucky to be a double zero!”

8.   “I’m so jealous of your size!”

9.   “You look so much sexier now.” - my 40 year old godmother

10. “Whatever you’re doing to look like this, keep it up!”

He’s never explicitly said it but, my dad had an eating disorder as a teenager. His situation was different than mine, his immediate family was extremely fat phobic, and he was a chubby child. As a teenager, he had a job working for Coca-Cola as a delivery person. He was part of a two-person delivery team, his partner would drive the truck, and my dad would unload the boxes of soda. When he talks about this experience, he focuses on that part of it; offhandedly adding that every single day he did that job, for lunch, he would have a snickers bar and a diet coke. When talking about this period of his life, he drops the fact in casually, but it is always included. He can’t talk about high school without mentioning the lunches of 0 calorie soda and a candy bar. I’ve seen the photos of my dad’s transformation - it wasn’t typical puberty baby fat shedding; he went from being an overweight kid to an underweight teenager. It’s sad. He played football but got injured so he had to quit and that’s when this started. My guess: he felt like if he was big but didn’t play football, he’d lose his popularity so he “became attractive”. I don’t think he knew he had an eating disorder; he may not even realize it now. There’s this stereotype that eating disorders are only for, well, people who look like me: skinny, relatively attractive, white girls with long hair. They’re not for boys, particularly not for Hispanic boys. 

Eating disorders can be genetically linked, so it’s not much of a stretch to realize he had an eating disorder as a teenager, despite us never explicitly talking about it. Eating disorders are much less sociocultural than people seem to think as they are neurological disorders, though they do have deep psychological links and triggers though. Both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are linked to certain genes, this research is still very new, but neurologists and geneticists are exploring. A study done on twins showed that pathological attitudes such as body dissatisfaction, eating and weight concerns, and weight preoccupation, show heritabilities of roughly 32 to 72 percent. While this isn’t the same as a parent-child relationship, it does show that eating disorders can be shared between family members. As with many mental disorders, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly how/why these disorders manifest in certain people as opposed to others but studies have shown that “greater than 50 percent of the variance in liability to eating disorders and disordered eating behaviors can be accounted for by additive genetic effects” (Berrettini).

Things I Wanted To Hear When I Lost 35 Lbs in Two Months at 15

1.   “We can see your ribs; are you okay?”

2.   “You aren’t broken.”

3.   “We accept you no matter what.”

4.   “We want to help you.”

5.   “We love you always.”

6.   “I understand what you’re going through.”

The DSM V categorizes five main eating disorders but when I was first diagnosed four years ago, there were four major eating disorders in the DSM IV: anorexia nervosa (binge/purge and restricting), bulimia nervosa (purge and non-purge), and eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) with binge eating disorder as a specific subcategory of EDNOS. I have EDNOS. People with EDNOS either have atypical anorexia or bulimia, mixed features of both disorders, or behaviors that are not categorized in either bulimia or anorexia (Psychology Today). Basically, if you have disordered eating to the point where it could be considered an eating disorder, but you don’t have one of the other three, you have EDNOS. My eating disorder manifests as a mix of both anorexia (restricting) and bulimia (non-purge). My own personal way of looking at it is that I am an atypical anorexic with the mentality of a bulimic person. Unlike typical anorexics, I am completely aware of my condition and even at my very worst never let myself go more than 72 hours without eating. Additionally, atypical anorexics, never drop into a weight range that would be considered underweight. I fully understand the health detriments, but it’s not something you logically choose - it's a neurological and psychological disease that you have to fight. Typical bulimics binge eat and then fast, but I tend to fast and then mildly binge, which at this point means eating a slightly larger than “normal” meal and allow myself to eat more sweets than I should.

EDNOS is the most prominent eating disorder, affecting 75% of people with eating disorders (Machado). It affects nearly 10% of the total population of the United States: 4.78% of adolescents and 4.64% of adults. The disorder is difficult to study because, like all other mental disorders, it is so highly individualistic; EDNOS doesn’t affect any two people in the same way. Since there is a range of subcategories of EDNOS, which are each highly volatile,  little can be said about the category as a whole. What can be stated is that like with other eating disorders EDNOS is widely under-treated and often undiagnosed, it also can lead to severe long-term health detriments such as potentially permanent kidney damage, heart damage, and brain damage if left untreated (Le Grange).

Things My Eating Disorder Made Me Do:

1.   Obsess over calories - something I had never even considered before

2.   Skip meals

3.   Completely stop eating breakfast

4.   Obsessively drink water

5.   Avoid kitchens and cafeterias like the plague

6.   Fight with my boyfriend about eating and anything having to do with food

7.   Become nauseated at the smell of most food

8.   Ignore the worsening of my chronic migraines - one of my migraine triggers is low blood sugar

9.   Rationalize binging after not eating

10. Fight all logic when it came to food and eating

11. Eat fewer than 500 calories a day

As children, people who later develop eating disorders are often characterized as “anxious, obsessive, perfectionistic and achievement-oriented,” I fit that description pretty perfectly, both as a child and now as a college freshman (Weir). These character traits certainly aren’t the reason I developed ENDOS, but once I had it they exacerbated it: I’m anxious about my weight and people noticing my odd eating habits. I’m obsessive about calories. I’m a perfectionist in so many aspects of my life that it causes me extreme emotional stress that I cannot gain enough control over my brain to be able to fend off this disorder. I am always oriented towards both finally freeing myself from ENDOS and giving in to achieve my “goal weight”.

I remember the day my boyfriend asked me if I was anorexic and I had a complete meltdown; denying vehemently to save face. I knew I had an eating disorder before we started dating, I had accepted that struggle as part of my life. That sounds passive, but like any other mental disorder, ENDOS won’t go away because you pretend you don’t have it, it’ll just get worse. I have never in my life thought I was overweight, but for some reason at 14 going on 15, my brain decided that the extra tummy pudge I had was no longer acceptable. I already had depression and anxiety at that point; and because they were unrelated, my eating disorder perversely helped me get over my depression. As I lost weight, I became less depressed, not necessarily because I was happy I lost the weight, that certainly factored in, but almost because my brain could only handle so many things so my eating disorder sort of absorbed the depression. If I was feeling emotionally shitty, my brain suggested I had eaten too much the day before and was feeling bad about that. Logically, I knew that not eating was probably contributing to the shitty feeling but like with most mental disorders, there is no room for logical though - my own or that of others. 

My boyfriend would try to convince me to eat with logical arguments such as “the human body needs more than 1000 calories a day Cristina, you’re actually killing yourself” and “Cristina, you know that when you fast you retain water so you gain water weight and you actually lose weight more slowly” and I knew all of these things in my brain, but the eating disorder always found a way to render them void. My responses to these very logical arguments were usually along the lines of “I’m fine” and “Look, I’m getting better really, I’m just not hungry right now”. Like my father, for a period of time, I would eat a candy bar for lunch; these “lunches” would be eaten around 2 PM, after my third class of the day when I would begin to feel a migraine coming on and would only eat so that I could make it through the rest of the day because raising my blood sugar often helps me fend off a migraine. I passed out three times from lack of food but I always blamed it on my migraines, which are equally serious, but wouldn’t warrant a call to the school psychologist. 

I developed a habit of lying about eating; I would tell my theater castmates that I was going to eat dinner once I got home from rehearsal and my parents that I had eaten dinner at rehearsal; I never told my mom about the skipped meals - to her knowledge I was getting three meals plus snacks every day. 

Battling an eating disorder has become a huge part of my identity because it’s hard for a mental disorder not to become a big part of who you are - there's a constant battle in my head between the disorder and my self; eating disorders shift your whole perception of yourself whether you want them to or not, no matter how hard you fight them. It plays a huge role in my confidence and general self-image, not just my physical appearance either. A large part of me is so outraged that I “allowed” the eating disorder to do this to me, I have spent the past four years so ashamed of it. 

Things My Eating Disorder Didn’t Make Me Do:

1.   Eat less shit/healthier

2.   Exercise

3.   Feel the need to purge

4.   Obsess over my body image to a degree of dysphoria

5.   Think that I needed to see my ribs to be beautiful - I was disgusted when I got to my thinnest and could see my skin suctioning around my ribs like cling wrap, but I couldn’t stop

6.   Deny having an eating disorder

The first step of recovery is acknowledgement, something I had from the get-go. Step two is actually wanting to recover, which was the hardest part. Unlike most other disorders, people are amazed and impressed with the physical results of an eating disorder. The amount of compliments I received after losing the weight, did not at all make me want to regain a healthier weight. So for two years, I stayed at 100-105 lbs. My senior year of high school, I snapped; I didn’t care what anyone thought of me anymore, about anything. I decided once and for all that I needed to actively change the way I thought about food and my eating disorder. I had gained a bit of weight over the summer and was up to 110 lbs, and I decided that instead of panicking like I did when I first saw the number on the scale, I would make this my new “acceptable” weight, I could live with being a zero instead of a double zero. It seems so dumb that I let the arbitrary numbers put on clothing define how I live my life, but to me, it matters, and I have made that my safe zone. I decided to start practicing yoga and eating in a less disordered fashion. The exercise certainly helped me become okay with gaining a little weight. Coming to college I have gained a little more weight but increased the level of exercise without trying due to the pedestrian lifestyle, so my clothing all still fits which helps put my eating disorder at ease. I am still in the recovery process, but I recently I have become increasingly happy with my body, and I can feel the disorder retreating, it’s not gone but the mental wounds opened by my EDNOS are starting to scar over.

Bibliography

Andersen, Arnold E., et al. “A Slimming Program For Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.” Psychiatric Clinics of North America, vol. 24, no. 2, 2001, pp. 271–280.

Berrettini, Wade. “The Genetics of Eating Disorders.” Psychiatry (Edgmont) 1.3 (2004): 18–25. Print.

Bischoff-Grethe, Amanda et al. “Altered Brain Response to Reward and Punishment in Adolescents with Anorexia Nervosa.” Psychiatry research 214.3 (2013): 10.1016/j.pscychresns.2013.07.004. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

“Eating Disorders.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 3 June 2017, www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/eating-disorders.Eddy, Kamryn T, et al. 

“Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified in Adolescents.”American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 47, no. 2, Feb. 2008, pp. 156–164.

Elices, Matilde, et al. “Direct Experience While Eating: Laboratory Outcomes among Individuals with Eating Disorders versus Healthy Controls.” Eating Behaviors, vol. 27, 2017, pp. 23–26.

Foerde, Karin et al. “Neural Mechanisms Supporting Maladaptive Food Choices in Anorexia Nervosa.” Nature neuroscience 18.11 (2015): 1571–1573. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Kerr, Kara L et al. “Altered Insula Activity during Visceral Interoception in Weight-Restored Patients with Anorexia Nervosa.” Neuropsychopharmacology 41.2 (2016): 521–528. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Le Grange, Daniel et al. “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified Presentation in the US Population.” The International journal of eating disorders 45.5 (2012): 711–718. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Machado, Paulo P.P., et al. “The Prevalence of Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.”International Journal of Eating Disorders, vol. 40, no. 3, 2007, pp. 212–217.

Weir, Kirsten. “New Insights on Eating Disorders.” Monitor on Psychology, vol. 47, no. 4, Apr. 2016, p. 36., www.apa.org/monitor/2016/04/eating-disorders.aspx.