#ch: t. kinard.

[surviveds]

okay. tommy posting! a masterpost of introductory hcs for my portrayal. i might expand on specific points in different posts because i have a lot of thoughts and feelings.

first and foremost: tommy is closer to 50 than 40. lou is 39 but it doesn't make sense with the canon they've provided in s7 for tommy to be the same age, because if he was, that'd mean he was ~19 in '05 during chim begins and that's just not possible with him also having served (he's clearly not a probie and it seems like he's been at the 118 for years at that point). i'm putting him at maybe 45 or 46.

i do take a lot of inspiration from what lou has had to say about him. he's an only child of shitty parents who didn't really want to be parents, and that had a profound impact on him.

his dad was a miserable man and mediocre cop who felt bad about being mediocre and took it out on his wife and son.

tommy actually did fairly well in school, hoping it'd help assist in his plan of Getting Out, but things really didn't go his way on the college front and he felt trapped, which is what led him to enlisting.

and for the most part, he operated fairly well in the military. it was good to have order. and he was already accustomed to being treated terribly - but it was a little different because at least it wasn't his dad. he did his job and kept to himself, at least for a while, until he started a 'relationship' with another soldier. it was toxic and pretty terrible, overshadowed by DADT, and it ended pretty brutally. tommy had already become pretty disillusioned to the army by the point it ended, but it was another major factor in him getting out the first chance he got.

when he was discharged, he didn't even bother going home. he went to LA, choosing it as his new city because it felt very safe due to its size. it felt like a place that'd be easy to disappear and be just another guy.

he didn't immediately jump to a career with the LAFD. he had a few months of trying to figure his shit out, contemplating if he should finally try to go to college - but it was scary to think about so he ended up dropping the idea. he went through some basic jobs before applying to LAPD impulsively. army to police felt like a natural transition, and he thought maybe it would be a way to actually 'serve' his country, because being overseas doing shitty things for people who wouldn't give him good reasons hardly felt like 'service.' and he did make it through training, got a beat - but he realized pretty quickly that being a cop also wasn't for him. he stuck with it for a few months, though, because he was terrified of feeling lost and at least it was something and he did get to help people, sometimes. because he realized he did like helping people - and when, on one shift, he assisted some firefighters in helping rescue some kids from a wrecked car, and suddenly, a lot of things clicked for him. he turned in his badge and applied to the fire department a week later.

being in the army and then a cop means he wasn't surprised by the culture at the 118. he knew how to blend in well by that point. he knew what part to play to survive. and he does feel really bad about it. he worked hard to make peace with hen and chimney, and they're two people who are incredibly important to him - hen, because she was formative in helping him understand that he can be himself, and chimney because of course he wouldn't be alive without him.

(i also want to point out that i believe he briefly had a crush on chimney. but with all of the repression going on he refused to really recognize it. it did slightly contribute to him not wanting to be around chimney at first, though.)

tommy first acknowledged to himself that he was gay just before he put in for a transfer. of course he understood he was attracted to men long before that point; he'd had secret flings - not just the one in the military - but he'd still tried to be with women. he wanted to believe he was bisexual for a long time and that he could just 'suppress one side of it', but it didn't work. when he accepted he was gay, he put in for a transfer because he felt it'd be easier to start over at a new house. it was a very tough decision, because hen and howie had become family, and he had started to form a relationship with bobby... but he knew this was what he needed to be himself. he didn't have some big announcement about his identity like hen did when he transferred, but he didn't make efforts to hide it, either.

buck is the first firefighter he's dated, though. his prior relationships post-coming out were all with civilians - a few of which, yes, originated from meeting on calls. after the third time, though, he really felt it was a bad idea to continue that pattern. for him, personally, it felt like almost like a power imbalance, and he hated constantly wondering if the guys he was seeing just felt indebted.

he kept up with the 118 even after leaving - mostly because it's hard not to, with how often they make the news, but also because he genuinely does care about a lot of the people there. he reached out to chim after the car accident and the stabbing, and to hen after her accident.

[surviveds]

yes tommy is bitchy and i will call him a bitch (affectionate) forever but he really also is a guy who cares so fucking much. even putting aside the fact he puts his life and career on the line for people who kind of dropped him from their life after his transfer, he still has so many moments in s2 where he clearly cares!!!! he smiles at hen when she first shows up and it isn't until gerrard walks up behind him that he becomes rigid and withdrawn. he not only thanks chimney for saving his life but hugs him, too. he gently tells sal to shut the fuck up when he's arguing with bobby because a) tommy clearly doesn't like conflict, but also b) he understands bobby is Good For Them and in the right and he doesn't want sal to ruin that. he's happy to see bobby in the bar. people are so easy to dismiss tommy as one dimensional or even "emotionless" because of lou's delivery of specific lines but it's just so purposeful - mostly, the monotone way he speaks is a shield, but i also think to a degree that he just Sounds Like That (relatable for me, because people constantly think i'm either upset or feel nothing because of how i talk. which is a big "criticism" i see for tommy's character/something people try to weaponize to make it seem like he doesn't actually care about buck.) so much of tommy's emotions come through in his expressions - his eyes, especially. the soft way he looks at buck when he simply asks him "you okay?" the way he immediately shifts and starts smiling at him when buck is rambling in 704 and tommy is Understanding what's happening here. the way he swallows as he looks at buck at the basketball game because He Likes Him and he's really not good at hiding it.

the point of this is, tommy actually is very emotional, even if his voice rarely shows that. but he is a man with a lot of feelings and although he allowed himself to be little more than just his snark for so long, he really is so much more

[surviveds]

@doomdays: i shouldn’t be here. i’m not strong enough for this.

"kristi," tommy says, with all the stern affection typical of the elder sibling he's always tried to be. he's teased and taunted and they've even engaged in occasional familial spat, trading all the expected barbs, but it always comes back around to this: offering reassurance when the other needs it. she'd been there for him when he'd transitioned back into civilian life, witnessed the way he'd struggled through those dark years at the 118, and tommy remembers vividly her knowing smile when he'd finally allowed himself to be fully honest about who he is - and every time, with every obstacle, she'd say, you got this.

it's not difficult to extend the same to her. tommy, a slight frown marking his expression, grabs one of kristi's hands, pulls it into both of his, squeezes it gently. "you know," he starts, "you happen to be one of the strongest people i know." the corner of his mouth softens, morphs into something that's almost like a smile, and then tommy laughs, a small noise in the base of his throat. "okay, now that i've gotten the cliché out of the way - talk to me. did something happen?"

[surviveds]

@doomdays: i don’t just sit around accepting the world as it is. (aaron + tommy)

"not much else to do these days," tommy counters, his tone existing in that liminal space just between earnest and derisive, which makes him feel slightly terrible - aaron doesn't deserve any vitriol, after all; it's a fair observation, an apt description of his behavior over the past week. that doesn't lessen the taste of it in his mouth, though, a bitterness that tommy tries to swish away with a long pull from a water bottle that'd been resting at his side, reduced to dregs by the action; he continues to hold it despite the emptiness, however, the warmth it'd absorbed from the sun oddly comforting against his palm.

tommy breathes loudly through his nose as he swallows. he sneaks a cautious glance upward to aaron, sights the grave expression on his face, and something in his chest loosens slightly; makes his own features soften, a crease forming between his brows, and with a little half-roll of his eyes, he shifts, legs crossing, leaving ample space beside him. "the world's still going to be dying tomorrow, aaron. surely you can take a break from surviving it to watch the sun set with me." the red glow on the horizon is bright, bleeding to pink and purple and the dusty blue of encroaching night - a beautiful sight, even with the dead that dither below, shambling aimlessly beyond their walls. he's found solace in this perch overlooking the world outside - a reprieve from it all; the blood, the stench.

he doesn't mind sharing that with aaron, even if only for a moment.