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chrisemrysfics · 4 years ago

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All of this, and if I may add one thing: the fact asexuality is not recognized becomes distressing when you are on the ace-spectrum but suffered sexual abuse.

On one side, people can say “oh, that’s normal, its the trauma”, but on the other, because asexuality is barely spoken about or seen as anything valid, its something to “fix”. Its already distressing enough being ace and having people think something is wrong with you, but it gets distressing too when you know you have a trauma, but its young enough that you don’t know whether it “made” you ace, or you were always ace.

Everyone talk to you as if “one day you’ll find the one” or “I’ll make you comfortable”. Because there’s the trauma, there’s a part of you that want to make sure, and another part of you that is brought to the trauma time and time again because you have to be there to also “justify” the lack of wanting sex. And I’m lucky enough no one tried to put me through medical/psychological “help” for that. But the few comments, the casual expectations I will have children one day, and the way people who approached me to date have acted, some more clearly sexually interested than others, it made it so hard and confusing, even more so when I do have libido.

There’s not enough nuance made between libido and sexual attraction, either. As I know a post circulated around explained in imagery: you can enjoy the idea of cake, you might like cake if you eat it, but you never feel a need to have cake. Sometimes you can both have libido and be sex-repulsed, because you can enjoy fantasy, but feel put off by anything physical, including by yourself.

(That’s where sensuality come into play, as its more about fantasy and is the pleasure of the senses, without necessarily sexual acts, but that’s another topic).

If asexuality was more recognize as existing, as something we can talk about, as something people can be, the approach for people who suffered sexual trauma would change, too. We would be told this can be the trauma, or we might be asexual. And more than that, it would mean we don’t have to be “fixed” unless we ourselves say we want to know for sure, or feel we want to try healing from the trauma. The same way, if its a possible medical condition, but we also recognize it can be simply someone being asexual, they an choose whether to try healing the possible condition (or seek to see if it is one), or say “I’m okay like this”.

Ace people have a right to not be certain, to explore, the same way other LGBTQ+ folks. But the issue is, as long as asexuality (and aromantism) are still in that stage where it’s barely talked about, barely seen as something that exist, ace people can’t because they risk being medicalized if they try to make sure its not a trauma or a medical condition. Or they can, but it is very risky, and I don’t know, but especially if you have a trauma, and behind you’re truly ace?

I can’t begin to imagine the trauma being added if someone end up “trapped” with people who are convinced you need to be fixed.

I was lucky enough my mother’s first interest is our happiness, and didn’t feel I needed to be pushed, but even her was caught in the web of the very allosexual society and thought it was just my trauma speaking at first. I was lucky she’s open minded, and I’m sad that a part of my luck is because my mother suffered from never knowing she was demisexual for years and years and forced herself to have sex when she didn’t want to (or was forced into it).

Don’t forget the suffering of the generations before us, especially as still until recently, it was considered that, once married, a husband had every right on their wife. Not that long ago, there were “traditions” of seeing the “proof” of marriage having been consumed.

(Don’t get me started on the heavy expectations being married mean the marriage night, that marrying someone automatically mean you will spend the first night having sex, and if not its just because you might tired that day, but its “normal” to have sex with your partner).

Ace people have been suffering for generations, and its only recently we’ve been realizing we have an orientation, not a medical condition or something to “fix”. But that realization has yet to be made by society at large, unlike the way society at large now recognizes gay and trans people.

Fighting to the rights of one group will influencing positively the fight of all groups, because the more one community is recognized and protected, the more doors will open. But all groups need voices speaking for them, because even if the cause of other groups help, without voices speaking for a group, no one might realize they need help. And that’s why cutting away their voice, telling they’re not suffering, don’t need help, or are “taking away” from other groups, not only make these groups unable to be heard and be helped, but affects negatively the whole community, because it plants the idea that not every member of the community is “worthy” of help, that its a competition of who is suffering more.

Its not. The community is a support network, meant to help each other have our voices heard, and our rights recognized. Not every member of the network can fight for every cause, but as a whole, the community has all the voices and fights all the causes. The power of a community is that no one alone can fight every cause, but together, with each member fighting for different cause, we can fight for every cause. Together, a community can stand strong and support each cause, help each voice.

But for that, the community need to actually realize its a support network, not a competition to place “first” on who is suffering and to decide who is “not suffering enough” and doesn’t have a right to the community. Its ironic, considering we’re fighting for having rights, that the community meant to help the voices of non-allo, non-cis, non-het will outright tell some people “you don’t suffer enough, you don’t have the right to “use” our resources” or “you don’t have problems, you don’t need help”.

Ace people speak because there are barely any allies speaking for ace people (and its precious when non-ace people do speak up for us), and if we don’t speak up, we’ll be fully silenced and unable to receive help, to have our existence recognized and rights defended. So if you’re not ace, don’t silence us.

yknow, every so often i see some casual acephobia on here, and i'm used to it, but the other day i saw something that really made it clear a lot of you just straight-up do not know what ace people go through if we don't hide ourselves. so let me clarify. it's true that ace people don't usually have people trying to legislate them out of existence the way that gay and trans people do. that's because they're still trying to medicalize us out of existence, the same way they've tried with gay and trans people. allow me to introduce you to hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. it is considered a sexual dysfunction in some jurisdictions and is characterized as a lack or absence of sexual fantasies and desires. as judged by a clinician. it's marked when this state causes you distress. can't be explained by another mental disorder, a drug (legal or illegal), or some other medical condition. now, i will be fair and admit that this makes sense for people who are USED to feeling those sorts of things and then suddenly don't. but i want you to read that again. what does that sound like? the truth is, HSDD is a straight-up medicalization of being asexual. most of us do feel distress about it when we first come to realize it; we think there's something wrong with us, because everyone else seems to think so, too. realizing that you just don't feel something that everyone else around you puts so much importance on is INCREDIBLY distressing, and a lot of aces will try and force themselves to be 'normal'. HSDD can be used to validate that impulse. and acephobic doctors are more than happy to steer you towards that diagnosis, and not let you consider the possibility that maybe you're just Like that and it's okay. and sadly, slapping on a "don't diagnose them with this if they identify as Asexual" to the DSM definition doesn't really do anything to stop them. if you know anything about the medicalization of homosexuality in the past, this oughta sound REAL fuckin familiar. (i will also note that in the DSM-5, HSDD was split into being two separate disorders(Male hypoactive sexual desire disorder, and Female sexual interest/arousal disorder) depending on if you're a man or a woman. so, yknow, there's a nice extra layer of fucked up.) because of this, doctors and therapists often have free reign to put asexuals through what is undeniably Conversion Therapy. they put you in deeply uncomfortable situations to try and force you to feel sexual attraction, and in same cases, they may even give you medication to try and fix it. Flibanserin and bremelanotide are both approved for pre-menopausal women in the US, just as a start. and look, i'm not trying to say that this is never a problem or that everyone diagnosed with HSDD is definitely 100% an asexual and always has been and always will be. but what i am saying is, HSDD is often used as an excuse to discriminate against us. and the older you get, the more doctors start to press about these things, ESPECIALLY if you're an AFAB of child-bearing age. and sadly, this isn't even the end of it. because there are legislation that directly target asexuals, whether the word Asexual is used or not. there are the more obvious ones where we get caught up in all the other queerphobia, like when russia decided that people with "disorders of sexual preference" couldn't get driver's liscences. asexuality was specifically listed among those banned. but there are also those less obvious ones. for example, in some juristictions, your marriage can be voided if you haven't consumated it. and uh, guess who's never gonna do that? not to mention the intense problems we face in religious communities, particularly in christianity. many aces spend their entire lives feeling praised for never 'giving in to temptation', because they never felt it in the first place, only to have everyone turn on them when they get married and still don't want to do anything. and that's just one path; some families believe that we're lying or bragging when we come out, because again, it's SUPPOSED to be a temptation

that you struggle against, and this believe can lead to abuse and even disownment. and i want you to read that again, because a lot of people genuinely seem to think that nobody has ever been kicked out of their home for being ace. it does happen, and it is just as terrible as any other queer kid being kicked out for their sexuality. pretending it doesn't happen does not make it go away. TL;DR there is a LOT of dangerous bullshit that targets asexuals, and this shit spills out to affect other groups too. just because we may not face the exact same discrimination that your group does, that doesn't mean that acephobia is Lesser, or that calling it out when you see it is dismissive or trivializing to other queer groups. if it makes it easier to process, think of aces as a couple steps back in discrimination. gays had to fight for their recognition and demedicalization, and now they're facing more blatant legal discrimination. asexuals are still on the medical step/"that doesn't even really exist" step. i always do my best to boost the voices of my fellow underdogs and speak out against discrimination towards people outside of my group. can't you do the same for us?

#chrishere

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chrispersonalcornermoved · 5 years ago

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Hello!!

I am making a change in how I handle this blog (and in turn, my fanfic blog).

Starting today, this blog will be reblogs only!!

Everything personal (what I used to put in “wildchrisappears” tag) will be on my fanfic blog (under the “chrishere” tag).

In short, if you’re here just for the reblogs, all is good! Otherwise, feel free to either poke my fic blog from times to times if you want to check on me and not follow the blog, or follow my fic blog~

I might try to tag stuff again, but I make no promise as it tends to shorten my capacity to actually reblog (since half the time I see things, I don’t have the willpower to tag). I might do a compromise and tag the fandom of something, and then like, “fun” and “cute” general tags. I’ll see!

But yes, starting today, this blog is reblog only!

#wildchrisappears

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chrisemrysfics · 2 years ago

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Hello!

I suspect March will be a bit of a tight month for us, so I decided to try to do something about it!

Edit: this is now extended into April as the situation is still a bit tight!

As usual with me, what I do in these cases is to offer the options of receiving a gift from me if you donate via Ko-fi or Paypal.

It isn’t commission, as you can choose to just donate and not ask for anything. However, if you donate, I am willing to do something for you~!

This time, I offer two main types of gifts: writing and divination (cards reading).

If you donate up to 5 Euros, I am willing to do (only) one of those, and if you donate up to 10 Euros, I am willing to do both. These will be short/simple.

Between 10 and 20, I am willing to do one that is a little more long/detailed. Above 20, I am willing to do both and have them a little more long/detailed.

You can, however, donate what you want and pick which gift(s) you want that fits your donation (ex: if you donate 20, you can ask that I do both and have them longer/detailed aka “maximum” I do for this amount, or you can ask for just one gift).

Please note that I use divination for guidance, which can range from “What do I need to know right now?” to a specific question. Simple vs detailed is about how much cards I pull (1-3 for simple, 6+ for detailed). You can see it as offering help via a mean that provides the base for what I end up advising!

As for writings, I will favor receiving requests for MDZS fics as well as DGM fics, simply because they’ll be easier for me to write for. However, I am open to any fandom and writing OCs, it might just take a little longer for me. In general, just ask me what your request is, and I’ll discuss with you if there’s anything I’m uncomfortable with, otherwise I’ll go with it!

Any&all gifts requested will be put on a to-do list that I will go through in order of receiving them, so I will be able to tell you where you place at. However, even if it is your turn, please be patient with me!

To ask for your gift(s), DM me on this blog (chrisemrysfics), or my Twitter here, and let me know the nickname/name you donate under so I can quickly check with what I received!

This donations-for-gifts of mine will remain open through March, if for any reason I choose to close it before the end of March, I will make a post about it and wait a few days so you’re not caught off guard if you were considering donating!

Independently from all of that, you can also look at the original content I share online via my site https://chriscassar.carrd.co/ and choose from what you see whether you want to support me monthly or not via Patreon!

And of course, I will appreciate if you share this post as this helps too~!

Thank you for your time and have a lovely day!

#chrishere #(what amuses me is that its like a coming out but as a spiritual person)#(if you didn't know I was one XD)

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chris-her-off · 2 months ago

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(Chris Her)

#SoundCloud #music #Chris Her #ChrisHer

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chrisemrysfics · 4 years ago

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It baffles me at time how people don’t realize how harmful it is to equal representation with sex.

Its already harmful to think that Ace people mean “not having sex”, but when you then add the idea that they say it takes away gay representation, it actually means they are saying “gay people always have sex”. If someone understand Ace people don’t feel sexual attraction but also say it removes gay representation, then they are saying “gay people should want sex” and/or “gay people should like to have sex”.

Don’t get me started if they say anything about POC ace people, and other ace people. The message remain the same: either they are saying “X always have sex” or “X should want sex/like sex”.

And when you reach that point, you realize how it echoes other prejudices we have seen in society. “Men always have sex/should want sex/should like sex” being one of them, which, you know, will definitely harm men, including men in gay relationships.

If someone does not understand what we are saying, when we put it as clearly as all these tweet, and the words I have written, I’m going to look at them and be suspicious that they know what they are doing. They are acephobic and do not see it as an issue, otherwise they would listen and be willing to educate themselves. Some don’t have ill intention but still prefer to not make the effort and assume we’re somehow wrong (or worse, that we are the deluded ones), while others know exactly what we are doing.

Very few are just afraid to face the possible harm they have done in the past when they see our words and realize acephobia is a thing and ace people need to be heard and helped, so they try to shut us up how they can because they can’t deal with it.

I have compassion for the people who might be afraid to face their own past, or what it evokes in them, and people who are victims of society and the way they might have been educated. I side eye people who knows what they are doing, because I do wonder what the heck happened to them, or how they were educated, that it creates people who lack compassion or even basic respect.

This still won’t stop me from respectfully, compassionately, tell someone that they are prejudiced and doing harm to others, as well as protecting others how I can.

I say it at times and will say it again: if the words of ace people make you want to shut them up, bash them, if you reject the truth they speak about, they are not “making things up” or “deluded” or “wrong”.

You are the one who delude yourself.

Ace people speaking up against the prejudice they face are not the issue, the issue is the people who belittle them, who tries to shut them away, and who wants to pretend ace people don’t suffer, and people who acknowledge all this, and still consider they suffer “less” and don’t “deserve” to be in the community, who consider others suffer “more” and we “should not take away from them”.

Suffering is no competition. Its a damn hell pit we are all wishing to leave, and adding to the suffering will not help. At all. And pity to the ones who might think its alright to hurt other people so that they can escape the hell pit themselves.

I assure you, people who does escape the hell pit, who find safety and happiness, will be quicker to help the people you hurt along the way, than help you. There can still be kind souls who will, but its easy to chase them away due to what you do, and have done without showing regret.

After all, if you are capable of hurting others to help yourself, how can anyone “close” to you feel safe?

Ace people deserves to be heard, to be helped, and Ace representation is needed.

All of this does not negate other people who need help, other representation.

And the more people try to say otherwise, the more loud the voices of ace people and their allies end up needing to be, to avoid becoming buried. The difference is that they are trying to get out of the pit, and you’re trying to keep them in it.

(I’ll sooner slap your hand away and help the person out).

(And I’ll sooner give no attention to you and all my attention to them, except sometimes, speaking up is needed, even when you are someone who mostly focus on helping people rather than standing up against the hurtful ones)

The AceDanmei week event on Twitter is getting attacked by haters who throw a tantrum about how " its taking away MLM representation" , completely forgetting Gay-Aces exist... and

-extremely tired sigh-

Then people wonder why we get defensive being pejoratively associated with queerbaiting/censoring/purity culture/etc...

I'll share those here speaking about this issue:

#chrishere

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