#concentrate at anything and i have been wasting away in my bed and i havent showered in too long and its shark week and :(((

[dizzybizz]

he's so real for this

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Wilfords Demands: Who Do You Belong To?

Summary- 5.2 k. Curtis Everett x Y/N. Written for @mcudarklibrary​ Kink Challenge- April. You’ve been in Curtis care for a few weeks now. He has no hesitation in reminding you who you belong to. Warnings- Dub Con/Non Con situations, punishments treatment, drug and alcohol mentions. 

Chapter One- Just Another Prisoner / Masterlist 

“So Curtis, how are you liking your new girl?” Wilford asked curiously as he flicked some crumbs off his luscious red robe, frowning as he rubbed at what looked like a smudge, under his breath he complained. “Those fucking cleaners never do anything right. Useless the lot of them.” The older man chose to ignore it for now, turning back to Curtis sitting opposite of him, Claude pouring fresh tea into two delicate china mugs. “Isnt she something, as soon as I saw her on camera, I knew you would like her. Yes, shes a bit thin still, but get some meat on her, and she will have all those nice curves to keep you occupied.” 

Curtis nodded his thanks to Claude and reached to take the cup, contemplating what Wilford was talking about, you were rather lovely in your innocence. All Curtis had to still do was look at you a certain way, and your cheeks would turn pink and your glance would look away from him, sometimes a tiny whine would issue, making him grin. “Im liking her quite fine. She was an innocent you know? I was surprised.” Wilford winked over his cup while he added generous amounts of honey comb to his cup, swirling his cup a bit before taking a sip.

“I had hoped she would be, How the fuck I know, pretty little thing like that. I am a bit disappointed she isnt pregnant yet though, but in due time I know. I just get impatient.” 

Curtis kinda shrugged a bit, he never really cared what Wilford did with the kids they made him, but this time it kinda rubbed him the wrong way. He didnt seem to pick up on it, or chose to ignore it, falling into another subject that Wilford used them for. Entertainment for the front enders for a couple months a year, a sport. 

“Also, its about time for the games, and Im putting my goods on you Curtis, Do not disappoint. Once you get in that ring, murder the sons of bitches.” The true purpose of the games, weed out the weak. So far only three of the original group still survived, Curtis was one of them for his brutal approach to all of it. He was a survivalist first, and had no issue getting blood all over in the process.

“Yes I know, trust me, I dont want my ass fucking dead.” Curtis growled out and grew impatient, ready to get back to you. “We done shooting the shit Wilford, or you ready for this months supplies?” 

“God your always so fucking impatient to leave my company.” Wilford rolled his eyes and sighed as if hurt, Curtis just stared at him waiting for him to get on with it. “Okay, my boy... let me know what you want.” 

Curtis wasted no time, filling out his demands and leaving straight afterwards. There was only so much time he could stand being in that mans presence. His spirit uplifted a bit knowing he would be seeing you again. You were still quiet in his presence, trying to remain unnoticed, but he was always aware of your presence unlike any other woman he had ever been with. Sometimes he would draw out conversation from you. But your answers were usually short, clipped, or you shrugged not knowing how to answer. Seeing how you lived in the tail end all your life, there was simply things you didnt know about. That was okay, you would learn about these things soon enough. 

Opening the door and stepping in, you were curled in the seat near the window, a book resting on your knee and gaze out the window watching the speeding landscape. You jumped slightly when Curtis entered and pulled your legs up nervously to watch him. Always so observant his girl was. "You havent seem to gotten to far while I was gone." nearby he sat down some bags of stuff he brought back with him, the items he had asked for from Wilford.

Your fingers trail down the spine and you slide it to the table, shaking you head softly. "Cant concentrate Curtis." Wary was how you were of this man, who stalked around his room till he moved to sit on the edge of the bed nearby. "Hmmm, do you not like it?" How brow arched and a your voice rose in a rush, as you clutched at the book. "No no, t-thank you... Its not that." You didnt want to loose a gift he brought you. Already reading through the few he had, you had gotten bored being unable to leave the small room. Curtis had requested a book for you with Wilford, and as you were finding out, Wilford accommodated Curtis requests typically.

"I was tested again, and still negative... " your voice dropped, admitting to your distraction. At first the news would cause Curtis to curse, drag you back to bed to try again.

So your head dropped, waiting to be yanked onto the mattress, but these past few weeks, he changed. Sometimes your news didn't cause any reaction, he would leave you to what you were doing. You trembled a bit, waiting to see what today would bring.

Curtis isnt sure when it changed for him, that he actually liked this one, it was something more then what was required of him, having any interest in his charge. You, a little tail ender was so innocent in to what he did to you, that he found it endearing. Her little surprised mewls when he taught you some new sense gave him satisfaction. He patted his knee. “Come over here Y/N” 

The tension raised between the two of you when you hesitated, curling your hands together and your face wanted to defy him, he could see the flash in your eyes and the way your breathing flared your nose. Curtis arched a brow daring you to tell him no. Oh would you? He almost wanted you to, that primal part of him loved overpowering you beneath him. You were so defeated when he first got his hands on you, but he felt that you had a bit of fire somewhere still, it just needed to be ignited. 

After a few seconds though you went back to your resigned manner and unfolded your legs approaching him, moving to stand in between his spread thighs. “Dont worry about the negative, it doesnt always happen right away.” His fingers snapped at your pants buttons and slid them down with a jerk, your hand bracing against his shoulder to keep from loosing balance and lifting your feet to loose your pants. He pushed your shirt up. “Get rid of all this to.” 

Lifting your shirt and tossing it aside, that deep blush he admired so much spread down from your face and neck, flaring over your collarbone. His mouth smirked until he lashed his tongue over a nipple, teasing the other with pinching fingertips. “But how long till they get impatient Curtis?” you took a shuddering breath feeling the warmth of his mouth tease you to a peak, rubbing your thighs together as heat pooled faster then you expect it to in your core. “Im ready to be done and go back home.” He growled at this, biting enough for you to yelp, and try to pull away but his legs have you trapped in between them. 

“What makes you think your going back Y/N?” He growled deeply, whipping you around, and pulling you back into his lap with one muscled forearm circled around your waist. “I already told you, you were given to me to use.” your hands were grasping his forearm pressed around your midsection, and you whine softly at his words. “But once Im pregnant you wont want me in your space, why wouldnt they send me back till birth?” 

“Cause, Im keeping you. Open your mouth.” He demanded and grabbed a hold of your jaw, forcing your mouth to open, his other arm loosened around your waist and moved two fingers to your mouth.“suck, get them good and wet Y/N”  his fingers pressed against your tongue and you immediately started to suck on his digits. doing your best to do as he asked. “As I told you a few weeks ago, your issued to me for at least the next few years.” Shifting his legs to hook yours over his knees and spread his legs so your thighs spread apart wide for him, the rush of cooler air hitting your aroused flesh made you moan around his fingers pressing against your tongue. “Your here till your used up or Im tired of you.” His voice, was so final as he yanked his fingers out from your mouth, tracing your bottom lip with one of the drenched fingers. “And then your still not going back there Honey. He wont let you go back home” 

Before you could fully register what Curtis was telling you, he dropped his hand to your cunt, his fingers warm and wet from how you worked them traced your pussy lips, soft under his fingertips, his biting kiss on your neck was a stark contrast, making you attempt to pull away, but he once more clamped his arm around your waist to keep you in place, his long middle digit dipping in between the folds, tease your sensitive flesh. “N-never? even if I was useless to have children?” 

“No, never. Have you ever seen anyone return to the tail end? Your not an exception. Trust me... You could be in a worst place then with me.” Continuing to rub your cunt, circling your aroused bud but never quite touching when he would return to stroking and teasing her entrance with slight dips of his fingers, collecting your arousal to spread. “I am not the only man who does this, and plenty are cruel to there partners.” It was getting harder to focus on Curtis as he started finally touching where you ached, his arm tightening when you would arch and let your head fall back to his shoulder. Pressing his lips to your temple. “Curtis... Its,,,” 

“Feels good right? Most the time it will if Im doing my job right,” Assuring as he let two fingers fill your wet heated entrance, making you open your thighs wider, his own adjusting to help you keep them spread. You were panting, rocking your hips to meet his thrusting digits. If you werent so caught up in the moment, you would have been embarrassed of the squelching sound your wet cunt was making the faster he pumped his fingers. Your walls started to clench around him, and that little firey coil started to tighten in your lower belly. 

“M-most of the time?” You managed to utter, and Curtis chuckled while biting lightly on your earlobe. “Well your a temptation, this tight little body.” His fingers hooked when he said that, come along with me baby. He would stroke your walls to comply with his wishes, fighting against his hold, and you were crying out when you pushed back into his chest, locking and shaking, flooding his hand. “Wouldnt be hard for me to loose control and just fuck you into the mattress” 

Your thighs are trying pushing to close, aching from being stretched open, and fighting through your orgasm. He shoved you forward slightly to undo his pants, and you lean forward to brace your hands against your knees, your head dipping forward to catch your breath. It wasnt long you felt his cock pressing against your back. God you fucking hope he never lost control with you, You could barely handle him now, and everything he did was measured calculated. Curtis did nothing without giving it some thought, you knew this. 

Hands at your hips, lifted your ass enough so he could fit himself into your core, and eased you back, slowly so he inched in, making you stretch around him but it still made you hold your breath till you were full of him, every movement you made, made you groan, his thrusts were quick upward angled jabs, pressing deeper and you still braced your hands while arching your breasts forward, this angle was so fucking full, concentrating was impossible. There was just rushed thrusts and grinding your hips back down. 

Somewhere it registered his cussing against your neck, as his thrusts pressed forward longer in your clenching pussy. “Fuck your so good, just gonna fill you till your dripping with cum.” He grunted against the back of your neck, his fingers digging into your hips and started to move you faster, bouncing you, and you just rode it till he roared and warm jets of his cum started to fill you. Your channel flexed around his cock, milking him for the last of it, and you collapse back against him, covering your face with your hands and giving a soft sob from your second orgasm within a short time. 

Pulling himself from him, he swiped his fingers through your cunt and scooped his cum back into you, making you quiver slightly at the sensation. Curtis gave a possessive nip to your neck, and shifted your legs back to a close. Fuck the muscles ached, all you wanted to do was lay down, the muscles in your thighs screaming with a burn. Curtis tapped your thigh to stand. “Dont be letting that run down your leg Y/N,” You nod and go to stand, your legs shaking enough to look like you might wipe out, Curtis hands shot out and grasped your hips to draw you back and sit on the bed. “Probably need a moment to get your legs back.” 

Tucking himself back in his pants, he let you claim the bed and went to where he had ditched the bags he brought back from Wilfords. You dragged a blanket over your naked body and watched with curiosity as he pulled out some clothing for you, nicer then the stuff youve been wearing. “Whats that for?” you asked curiously. 

Curtis brought the skirt and top over to let you inspect them. “They are for you. There is a entertainment car, and I figured your ready to meet others. I trust you to remember who you belong to” Your eyes brightened at the idea of seeing others, even if they were front enders. “Hows your legs? If you can stand, were going in half an hour.” He took the rest of the bag and turning his back to you, stored away a few books Wilford gave him, a treat for you later if you got to bored and deserved them. Curtis hoped there would come a time where you wanted to please him, not had to please him. 

While he was doing this, you tested yourself, and gathered the clothing to your bare chest. “they are fine... I will go get ready Curtis.” You escaped quickly into the bathroom, easing the door mostly closed. You rubbed your face in the soft long sleeve, it was the softest thing you could remember feeling and when you tugged the clothing on, braiding your hair to sweep straight down your back well past your waist, you couldnt remember feeling this way, like you were being showed off,and you kind of liked it. Stepping out, your clear your throat a bit and Curtis looks up from where he had been reading the spot you left in your books. 

Fuck you look good. Curtis nods his approval, and you nervously pick at the shirt, biting back a grin in your excitement. A warm rush tingles Curtis seeing you so damn happy for the first time since he brought you back a book, and unlocking the door, he held it open for you, beckoning you to step out. Going to step out the door, your hand braced on the door frame as you peeked out, it was empty, which your heart sunk a little and with a gentle ease of Curtis’s hand in the small of your back, you step into the wide looking hallway. He slung his arm around your waist, a steady hold on your hip and in the belt loops of your pants, he led you towards the front, the way you were dragged down to his room. “Now you stay with me Y/N unless I tell you otherwise, understand? Your free to talk to people that are in this car, but remember your place. You are mine, if I find out you are disrespecting what we have going on, or me, you wont like the consequences.” 

“Yes Curtis” you reply, feeling your mouth go dry with nerves and anticipation, would you know anyone there? You hoped so, you were desperate to find out how your friends were in the tail end. You two reached a gate, and your bouncing a bit at his side, the music on the other side is thumping loud and you can see flashes of lights through the cracks. Curtis smiles a bit to himself at how obvious excited you are to get out of the room, but there are rules, and he had to be sure you knew them. Turning you to face him, he grabs your chin and makes you look at him. “Remember what I said, do you understand? do you have any questions before we go in?” 

You nod probably a little harder then you should and you glance at the door once more before back up to him. “Am I allowed to ask about the tail end if I see anyone I know? That wont make you upset with me?” 

Curtis thought about this for a few moments, it wouldnt hurt and you so desperately wanted to know, probably still had your hopes up about one day seeing your friends again. “You can, but dont expect to see anyone from before in there Y/N” His fist thumped against the metal door, and it popped open enough for Curtis to slide through and he took your arm, bringing you through. It wasnt quite as you remembered, but last time you came through, you were being dragged, and didnt exactly have time to admire the setting. This time you did though, and your eyes widened before you. 

People, gyrating all over each other, among the flashing lights above them, it was extremely distracting and made you want to shut your eyes. First the people were laughing and dancing, then they would turn and a clash of teeth and lashing of tongues inhaled one another in open mouth kisses, moving from one person to whoever was closest. You leaned more into Curtis, not wanting to get caught up in the orgy. It was something you didnt enjoy from him, and you knew you wouldnt like it here either. With a push of his hand, Curtis broke past the group, and the car opened up to show more people dancing, some with one another, some off poles placed in what looked like a seating area, people lazing around, high from the kronoles scattered in the sunken seating booths. Curtis led you past these as well until you two were near the other side, and he directed you to sit. “Just wait here, I will be back.” A simple nod was efficient enough for him, and he went to the small bar set up. 

“Kronoles, rum and coke?” The man asked Curtis while he pulled out to glass jars to pour the alcohol into. 

“Just the rum and coke.” Normally Curtis would part take in the kronoles, chase that mindless high that came with it, but not this time with you accompanying him. He would come back another time without you. The rum and coke though, rare treat, doing some calculations about the occasion for the rare indulgence. Wilford had announced it was new years. Collecting the drinks, he came back to where you were half in and out of your seat, curious to your surroundings. Twisting back into your seat, your nose wrinkled as you sniffed your drink, used to only water. “What is it?” 

“Try it and find out.” Was all he said, and you cautiously brought your mouth to the edge, taking a sip. It burned and was sweet at the same time, and you took another sip that stung its way down your throat. The dart of your tongue wasnt missed by Curtis, and his cock twitched at the very notion of how sweet your lips would look stretching around his shaft, your head tipped to meet him with your eyes rolling up to meet him. Fuck... It was gonna have to go on your list of necessary teachings. No it wouldnt benefit what you two were striving for, but it was a damn sweet thought, your mouth sucking him off. To cool off, he to took a bigger swallow then your sip, appreciating the burn as it went down to settle in his gut. 

“what is it?” You repeated and he looked at you and swiped his thumb over your lower lip to dry it off. “Rum and Coke, we only get it once a year, usually its homemade shit or cheap ass beer thats long since gone stale. Its new years though, another year living on the train passed.” 

“Oh! I never heard the announcement.” Your gaze again falls to looking around the room, and you got bolder in your drinking. Soon, your eyes were brighter then usual and there was a flush to your cheeks. Curtis watched you get caught up in it all and he finally leaned over to whisper in your ear. “You can go dance you know, just dont stray far from the table.” He knew others would pick up on your innocence right away, target you for your weakness, typically it was a game. That is until people learned that your were his, and he was never one to share. 

Nervous, you hesitate a moment, and then push up to go up the stairs, and dont wander to far away, but mingle. Soon your drawn into a group of women who were just dancing, and the rush of the alcohol in your system swept you away in the motion. Curtis caught sight of you laughing and swaying your hips, deeming that you were fine. He collected your glasses to go refill them with just straight soda this time, and a pair of steel grey eyes crinkled at the corners, smirking watching Curtis, whom was unaware of the threat. About time he left his girl alone was the mans thoughts, pushing from where he been sitting with a group of friends and his own toy. 

You were unaware of any change happening, until a pair of hands slid along your hips, and hot breath against your neck, a lash of the tongue over your ear, you wouldnt doubt it was anyone other then Curtis so you didnt fight it. You were his after all, and your buzzed state, you couldnt tell that this was a slightly smaller set of hands on your hips, and that the person gyrating behind you certainly wasnt as broad as Curtis. Your time in the tail end, you were used to never having personal space, you simply fell back into the person behind you, getting lost in the tempo and rush of the alcohol.  

When he came back, he glanced through the crowd again as he set the drinks down, and Curtis couldnt fucking believe what the hell he was seeing. You pushing your sweet little ass of yours into Grey of all the fucking people. Quick, he snapped up to the dance floor, and your eyes sprang open to see him pushing people to crash into one another so he could get through, frightened you looked over your shoulder to see someone youve never seen in your life, and you stepped forward to meet Curtis. “Curtis! Im so-” 

“Get on your fucking knees now and wait!” He roared at you and your scrambled to fall at his feet like he told you to, your eyes welling up at your mistake. Curtis stepped around where you knelt, your hands wringing together. 

“Curtis, we were just having fun to.” Grey sighed with disappointment. “I had to see what the fuss was all about. I can see why Wilford got interested in her, she is cute for a cum slut.” 

“What the fuck makes you think you could touch her?” Curtis crowded Grey, who didnt back up but he to crowded back, smirking in Curtis’s pissed off face. 

“Wanted to see if they were as fucking easy as they come. I would have had her sucking cock in a few minutes with how she was grinding her ass into me like some horny bitch. Cant satisfy them Curtis? Why Wilford had to give you a tail ender? Not like they know any better.” 

Curtis didnt even bother with that jab, it was clearly meant to push his buttons. Drawing up to his full height, Grey albeit smaller, was not at all intimidated by Curtis, and leaned in a bit closer, smirking “dont worry Curtis, when I get her, and I will cause the winner takes it all, I will teach her how to properly behave.” You were pushing to a stand to try and explain to the two men, when Curtis caught sight of you “Did I fucking tell you to stand, get back in your place.” 

“But Curtis, it wasnt... “ You try once more, and he has to deal with you defying him, you gave him no choice. Ignoring Grey who watched this all with interest, he stalked forward and fists his hand in your hair, yanking you back to your knees. “What did I tell you?” 

“On my knees” You twist and cry out, your hands going to your hair to try to get him to loosen his grip. 

“Do I want any fucking sass coming from you?” 

“n-no.” You cant help the tears that are rolling down your cheeks and the way your head bows to him. 

Lowering closer to your level, his next words were so low it was hard to hear, but they held deadly promise should you not listen. “Start crawling to the door Y/N” Releasing his hold and shoving you to sprawl back. 

You look at him like he cant be serious, crawl? His face though, was all serious anger storming his blue eyes and you back away from him, the crowd parting to allow you passage. 

“Please Curtis...” 

Nothing, no softening or taking pity on you, you do only thing that you can, and start to pull yourself away on your hands and knees, Curtis watched your heart shaped ass sway back and forth, and then turns back to Grey, whos watching with an amused look. 

“Sure you dont want me to break in your little sweetheart? Ass like that good for alot of things, wouldnt be any trouble at all.” 

Curtis growled lowly “Dont fucking lay a hand on her anymore, shes mine. I have no problem shoving your dick down your throat should you think shes yours to handle.” 

Grey grinned at the challenge. “No, course not. Better not let her out of your sight again.” With that Grey turned back, and hoped back down into the seating area he had been occupying previously, yanking his own girl back in his lap, and slapping her thighs to spread, ready to share her with his current company. Curtis didnt waste any more time with them, and followed where she had crawled away, getting to the door, you were waiting this time, in a subdued position, on your knees, head bowed, palms up, trying not to look embarrassed or scared of it all. Made his cock twitch again, Fucking Christ, bad timing. “Get up” He yanked on your arm and hauled you to a stand. You stumbled, but did it all quietly, averting looking at him. 

It was silent going back to the rooms, and you tried to keep up best you could to his long stride. The train walls kept dipping as if off kilter and you stumbled into Curtis a few times. Finally though you two reach his room again and he gets the door to open, pushing you to fly in first. You stumble and grab a hold of the wall, trying to get everything to stop spinning. 

“Curtis, please I didnt know.” 

He doesnt care, more pissed off then he was before at your attempt for an explanation, he drags you from your grip off the wall and over his knee. “You knew better Y/N, and yet you fucking undermined me.” 

His knee is hard in your stomach, and you could feel him lifting your skirt to pool around your waist. You try to look over your shoulder but he shoves your head back to look at the wall and floor. Struggling, again a waste of your energy, hes holding you pinned over his knee with no more energy then he would give to a mild inconvenience in his day. Yanking down your panties to, he smacked your bottom hard, hard enough to jar you forward in his lap. 

“Dont worry I plan on marking your ass so hard, your not going to be forgetting who you belonged to.” Curtis gives no time to adjust, its one hard spank on one of your cheeks after another, its a fire burning you now, and your crying into his leg, arching once in a while when its a particular had slap, those sharp stinging ones that you swear are going to break your skin. Curtis hand prints popped up in welts, and you sobbed for him to stop. “Pl-please Curtis, I wont do it again. I swear... I thought it was you. “ He growled and started to come to a stop. He reached to take a fistful of hair and jerk your head back so he could see you even at this angle. 

“Who do you listen to?” 

Sobs crack your voice. “You Curtis...” 

“Thats right little one, next time be aware of who the fuck is behind you. Accident or not, if I catch it happening again, it will be worst.” He just as quickly put you in a stand, and stood up himself, gripping your chin so your tear stained face couldnt defy him and look away. “Next time it will be a leather strap and you will bleed for it. Get to bed now.” Dropping his hand and you are quick to move out of his way while he went to take a shower. 

Your ass, burning hot and every step screamed red hot through you, you peel away the clothes that you had been so excited for and folded them into the dresser, getting into an over sized tee that Curtis had given you to wear. Crawling in close to the wall, you lay on your side, waiting for him to come back out. He finished and didnt bother with clothing, snapping off lights as he came, he stretched out on his side, and yanked you over to him, hiking a leg over his hip, there was a unprepared thrust into your core, and you yelp into his chest, pressing your face there till the pain dulled, your breathing coming and going in shallowly as you braced for him to start moving he never did though, his arm just caged you in close. 

“You can sleep like this tonight, full of my cock so you dont forget who the fuck you belong to.” 

You sniffle in the darkness, trying to adjust to the full sensation hes stuffed you with. Now, you were even more homesick for the tail end. 

Tags-  @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @p8tn0lish @stardancerluv @princess-evans-addict @patzammit @ozarkthedog​  @that-damn-girl @curtisbbq @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @thatweirdwalangpake @nsfwsebbie​ @imanuglywombat​

[shytiff]

Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be. 

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt. 

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100. 

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf. 

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner. 

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live. 

[seriousjournal]

2021-01-30

First of all.... I have zero interest in spending this 100 dollar gift card from my birthday.

I was in bed all morning. Sleeping and existential junk that makes me feel sick and pathetic and sad. I kept meaning to write an entry and read a library book but I just kept playing solitaire. I realized it's because I can't focus. I have no attention span, my brain can't handle anything other than 5 minute games of digital cards. Anything else is overwhelming or crushing or makes my headaches worse. I've been trying to follow the checklist but I haven't made it past 13 out of 22. I should start recording the totals, but again that's just another thing I have to do.

I can barely keep up with the minimum amount of stuff I'm supposed to do to live. I dont even want to crochet, for fun OR the commission that will get me money and I can't even muster up the effort or interest in playing video games.

I get bloodwork done on Monday and Tuesday I can take my computer in again to be fixed so maybe I can do something that counts. I dont understand art grants, I get sick thinking too far into the week when mom will be gone again, I can't find a point to anything. Like.... what am I doing while am here and what will happen when I'm gone? I dont want to die but I dont know how to do the living part. My pets need me because it's not like anyone else is taking care of them and they're the only ones I'm concerned for if I left them behind. The only thing that takes my mind off death and aging and being over and being nothing is playing those repetitive games of solitaire. I feel so defeated and I just can't find the will to fight back.

I know I need to be active and walk and eat healthy and all this stuff. Like I know what I need to be doing but I'm just not doing it. I mean I washed my face today at like 3pm. I took all my meds I took care of the dogs but I havent been downstairs or done laundry or vacuumed. I did duolingo lessons but haven't made food. I've cleaned up after Frank but nothing else. It's just like.... I dont know. I'm lost and nothing and alone .

My mentor even facetimed me on my birthday to say hi and send good vibes and stuff but I still can't appreciate anything or be happy. It was a good day, it was nice, but it's just... three days later it's just distant and I'm sitting here quietly with tears and stuff and allergies and it's hard to breathe and I just want to go back to bed. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like a waste. I know it's thinking that needs to change but rational brain is too tired to reason with depression brain. It's too quiet to change my thinking. It's like I can see the right way to look at everything but it's too far away right now. I want to jump up and say okay that's enough being sad let's go do stuff and I know I'm not supposed to say can't but I legitimately can't do it right now. I'm just in pain and it's hard to breathe and I can't stop crying.

Nobody can see me or hear me. Not the way I want them to. I'm such I mess I can't even get my thoughts together any more it's just a swirling tornado mess of headache and overwhelming and I can't find the words for what I want to say and I can't even concentrate on what I'm thinking and when I do try to think outside of writing this sentence it's crushing me and it hurts so much. It's so loud and terrible. I'm gonna lay down. I dont care if I'm not supposed to I just want to lay down.

[a-flustered-paint-appeared-blog]

some short naegiri drabble thing

just a short naegiri drabble thing bc why not im craving naegiri also btw i just played a three hour game of monopoly that isnt finished yet (continuing tmw morning) and im loaded eat my ass togami also i wrote this on my phone which has autocorrect turned off so sorry for any typos/grammar errors and sorry this is not v good i wrote it late at night :/ It wasn't often the two of them got to be alone together, and to be honest Naegi couldn't tell whether that was good luck or not. He and Kirigiri were close, sure, but the two of them often shared awkward silences. To occupy themselves, they decided to walk around the third floor together, hoping to find something that peeked their interests. Aside from a few notes of possible weapons found in several different rooms (ones they'd make sure to be wary of) nothing came up. They returned to Naegi's room together and conversed casually, Naegi often being the conversation starter. They got to know each other a bit better, however Naegi realized something and couldn't help but speak his thoughts. "Y'know, Kiri," he started, looking up at the ceiling. "I don't think I've ever heard you laugh before." "Is that so?" Kirigiri answered, turning to Naegi. "I don't remember ever laughing around you." "Well, I was just thinking that..." Naegi started. "You just seem to keep your composure in every situation... how?" "I can't exactly guess," Kirigiri shifted a bit. "It just comes naturally." "I see... well, I think you should loosen up a little... you seem to be tense most of the time." Naegi faced Kirigiri, his expression showing childish enthusiasm. His friend couldn't help but smile at his expression. "Is this a challenge?" Kirigiri smirked, obviously challenging Naegi. "Alright, make me laugh." "Any rules?" He asked. "No constraints." The next few minutes were spent telling ridiculous jokes and Naegi attempting to do weird actions, but nothing seemed to phase Kirigiri. The odd chuckle was the best reaction he got out of her. "This is impossible!" He half-whined. "You're way too good at this..." he scoffed childishly, trying to think of something else to try. "Hmm, well if you think of anything that tickles your fancy, let me know." She huffed, still smirking at Naegi. "Wait..." Naegi paused, a sudden idea popping into his head after hearing Kirigiri's words. He cursed himself for not thinking of this sooner. Now that he thought about it, this course of action should've been the first thing he tried. "Hey, Kirigiri," Naegi mused, smirking at his friend, which in turn made Kirigiri frown back. "Can I ask you something?" "I suppose," she answered stoicly. "Are you ticklish, by any chance?" Naegi mentally highfived himself for his own idea as he watched Kirigiri's face go from one of confidence to one of slight panic. The answer was clear as day, and Naegi could see the anxiety clouding her eyes. She was blushing slightly, but she was trying to keep her composure as much as possible. "Uh..." Kirigiri trailed off after clearing her throat. "I... don't know?" "You don't know, huh?" Naegi asked a retorical question, leaning over his friend and making himself seem slightly taller. "Makoto Naegi, I swear..." she whispered as she backed herself further away from Naegi, almost falling off the bed. "Well, if you don't know, don't you think it's best to find out?" Naegi asked, raising his hands to his chest level and wiggling his fingers deviously. Upon the sight of his fingers, Kirigiri made a strange choking sound as if trying to fight back a snicker of anticipation. It's not that she was unbearably ticklish, but it was something about Naegi's tone of voice and smirk that just got to her. "I think information like that is best kept secret..." "I don't think so," Naegi said as he started lightly fluttering his fingers over Kirigiri's stomach, causing his friend to jerk and gasp suddenly. She didn't struggle too much, as if determined to hide her ticklishness from Naegi, but oh, he knew. "N-naegi!" Kirigiri gasped. "Un-hand me this i-instant!" she demanded in-between grunts and tiny squeaks, trying to squirm away from Naegi. "Hmm, not gonna happen," Naegi answered, continuing to poke at Kirigiri's stomach, concentrating on getting her to crack. He noted that she must not be that sensitive on her stomach, so he moved his fingers to Kirigiri's sides and gently clawed at them. To say the reaction he got from that was surprising would be an understatement, because he swore he just heard his normally-stoic friend squeal. "Weak spot?" Naegi asked, frowning when Kirigiri shook her head and bit her lip, preventing herself from giggling. Naegi changed techniques, dragging his fingers lightly over Kirigiri's sides. His friend seemed to be more sensitive to that method, so he did more investigating and tried moving his hands even higher. That's when the dam broke and Kirigiri's sudden loud squeak made Naegi jump. "Naegiiii!!" Kirigiri almost whined before starting to laugh, trying to grab Naegi's hands to pry them off the sides of her ribs. "I-I swehehear!! Nohoho!" "Looks like I found a weak spot~" Naegi teased and laughed along with her. He blushed upon hearing her giggles and squeaks, realizing that Kirigiri's laugh was quite... cute. And it seemed that as time passed, his friend's laugh just got louder and squeakier, which in turn made Naegi laugh because this was definitely a rare sight, considering Kirigiri's personality and stoicness. He switched from gentle touches to digging into his friend's ribs, which appeared to be effective. Naegi decided that he should just have fun with this. "Hey," Naegi said in an bubbly tone. "Hey, Kiri." He retracted his hands for a short moment, allowing Kirigiri to breathe. "Eheh... wh-what?" She tried to sound serious, but her aftershocks of being tickled kept her giggling and blushing. "I'm assuming you know about the theory where men have one less rib than women... or maybe it's the other way around? I wanna test that." Naegi smiled almost innocently. "C-can't you just look that up?!" Kirigiri was in-directly begging at this point, considering her ribs were most definitely her weakest spot. "The internet doesn't always tell the truth you know, and plus, why do that when I can have more fun testing my theory on you?~" Naegi teased, which made Kirigiri un-characteristically blush and snicker. God, she's adorable... Naegi thought as he slowly dragged his fingers across each of Kirigiri's ribs, counting them one by one, which was proving to be a good method. He could feel her skin twitching underneath his touch, and it was a feeling he found to be quite satisfying. "Okay!! Okay!!" Kirigiri admitted, folding her arms across her ribs to try and prevent Naegi from tickling them. "Nohoho more!" "But Kiriiiiii..." Naegi whined childishly. "I'm not done counting your ribs yet, and all your distracting laughter made me lose count! Now I gotta start all over again," Naegi huffed, starting back at square one, except this time he allowed all of his fingers to flutter freely over Kirigiri's ribs, which in turn made his friend nearly hysterical. "M-MAKotohohoho!! STOHOhohop!" Now she was begging, and Naegi was feeling quite satisfied with his friend squirming and laughing beneath him. "Hmm... not yet..." Naegi said, moving his hands back to where he started, the sides of her ribs. He dug his fingers into the bone, not harsh enough to be painful, but just enough to make it torturous. "Admit defeat and I'll stop." He teased, his voice just loud enough for Kirigiri to hear over her hysterical laughing fit. "C-Come on!! NAEGI!" She squeaked, rolling onto her right side to try and block out Naegi's hands. This only resulted in her friend moving both his hands to her left side, which didn't make the sensations any better. "Just- STOhohop!!" "Is that you admitting you've lost?" Naegi asked, chuckling as Kirgiri nodded. He stopped, just resting his hands on Kirigiri's ribs as he took in how adorable the other looked. She was blushing and still snickering cutely because of the aftershock. He gently curled his fingers, making Kirigiri tense up as he dragged his fingers down both her sides, getting a few last giggles out of her before finally retracting his hands. "Th-that was cruel..." Kirigiri panted, looking up at Naegi, who seemed quite confident. "I won, though!" Naegi exclaimed triumphantly, smirking down at Kirigiri. "I bet you regret putting 'no touching' in your list of constraints for this game." "Don't think you've won this little game of yours just yet," Kirigiri sat up, quickly recovering from the previous attack and Naegi swore he could see her smirking. "We still have another round, and you're the victim this time." With that being said, Kirigiri tackled her friend so she was on top of him and wasted no time in digging her fingers into his stomach. "W-Wait, nohoho!! KIRI!" Naegi squeaked before being reduced into a laughing mess, squirming around and trying to escape his friend's devious fingers. Let's just say Kirigiri got a more than proper revenge that day. NOTES: frick i didnt expect it to be this Long and i dont rly like how this came out but here take it i havent written a fic in so longgg

[psycheverse-of]

Title: The One Who Is Loved. Author: a teenaged Amber Renee POV: second Summary: Brighton is a fuck up. He’s in this college, full scholarship, everything his way, but he is too fucked up to notice. Drugs are his vice, they keep him going. Well, besides the loyal Spencer who plays the bestfriend and secret crush. And if you think Brighton isnt beating himself up about this newfound gay curve, you’d be wrong. Warnings: drug use. brief mention of noncon sex.  Authors note: idunno, okay? I have this fucked up little character in my head, and he wanted his story told. i present him…

.

.

.

Hi. My name is Unimportant, and i will wreck your life.

Hi. My name is Unimportant, and i’m a fuck up.

I have a lamp above my desk, it’s bright and hot and makes me think of the desert. I go to the desert a lot. It’s big and bright and hot. Except for when i go at night and then it’s not. And nothing can ever be what it says it is for long. Deserts just seem bright and hot, a lamp, but they get cold and dark too.

I flip the lamp off and leave my room.

I have a living room, do you have one? What do you use yours for? I have 5 lines of coke in mine, and I usually just pass out in it. Is that what you do? Its what i do. Anyway, i walk into my living room (and what do i do besides die in it?) I walk in and think ‘how much do i want to take?’

cont.

I want three. Three beautiful, wonderful, burning lines of coke to breathe in, please. Drive to the next window!

I get to my knees, hands on the cool coffee-coke table and inhaleinhaleinhale. i forget about the world for a few minutes, and suddenly the walls of my apartment are colorful! This isnt the mental hospital i thought it to be for those few moments.

I jump up, struck by genius, and back under the desert lamp and computer. I Am An English Student. i read books that use old english, and write things that take days. But right now, i’ve been on writers block, hence the coke, not that i need the excuse. If i dont do well enough i could loose my scholarship. i giggle, man i’m stressed.

Smiling to myself, i type, type, type and wipe blood off my nose.

i wanna dieeeeee. i wanna dieeeeee. please give me an A, mister teacherrr!

I get a big fat F, so i take more coke and i forget all about it.

——-

I know. I know i’m fucking addicted. I’m fucked up, but i’m not an idiot. How do i tell? How do I know?

——–

“Hello Brighton.” Oh yeah, that’s my name. I’m not just Unimportant. No, I’m also Brighton “the one who is loved.”

That’s what i mean. My name. I am supposed to be the one that’s loved. Where does that leave everyone else? What makes me so fucking lucky? Why cant Tom or Drew or Sammy be loved, huh? And anyway, it’s not like its real. Its not like i’m real.

“Hiiiii Youuuuuuu!” I smile, and laugh and it’s dark. The desert is cold, so fucking cold but i dont feel it. Nope, i’m in tight jeans, a T-shirt and fingerless gloves but i dont feel a damn thing.

“…What did you take?”

“ABCD EEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Clever. I have to be clever, i’m so clever, “I’m so clever right?” I laugh and laugh until the stars blur into one big ball of fire, and i wish it were my birthday so i could blow them out.

“Oh, Bright. I wish you wouldnt,” I hear your voice and it’s so sad, why are you so sad? The birthday candles are for you, you, you!

“It’s your birthday! Make a wish!” I laugh and clap and you’re leading me back upstairs, why?

“I wish you’d stop.”

I’ll stop when the world stops.

“I love you” I do, I do, I do, I do.

“Go to sleep, Bright. I’ll see you in the morning,” But we go together like the desert and my lamp. Similar, but completely different.

We dont go together, but you sing me to sleep.

(*)

I wake up to a bright headache and a heavy dose of reality seeping through my window. Not okay.

I groan, not okay, and roll off the bed thumping tp the floor. Not okay. I dont even stand. Just crawl, crawl to the desk with the lamp. The desert lamp. I crawl, not okay, and make grabby hands towards the drawer. I pull out its contents, groaning again and lean against the wall. I curl my legs towards my chest, not okay, I light up.

Wake 'n Bake.

I’m okay.

——–

It’s bright outside. Wow, is it always bright here? It’s so bright. I hate it. I hate Bright.

“I hate you, sun,” I singsong. I lift my hands up, feeling my string bracelets fall lower on tired arms, feeling my fingers spread out, feeling. I hate you son.

I drop my hands, bracelets follow, lining up in order once again, where they belong. Time to Be Responsible. Time to Go To Class.

The path to my class is short, too short and it’s too hot. It’s so hot. Sweltering. Vocabulary word. Definition? My life. Overwhelming.

Out Of Control.

The path is short, the building is tall, I follow the steep line of it with my whole head, black hair shifting from out of my eyes with the effort. Tall, tall, tall. You know what? I bet you, I bet nothing bothers this building. It’s strong and it’s big and it’s fucking tall. Really tall. Think of something tall.

Taller then that.

I’m still looking up, up, up when i get shoved from behind. It’s slow, stumbling forward, and then wrenched back.

“You dick,” The words climb out of Smaller-Then-Building-Boy’s mouth and dance around my head. It’s bright yellow. It hurts my eyes it’s so bright. I dont respond. The yellow distracts me, “Hey, anyone in there? Think you can get my girl wasted and then take advantage of her? And not get punished, huh asshole?” The colors are changing. Their hue is lifting, darkening with intent. Red, Redder, flashing, bleeding.

I open my eyes and the talltall building is looking down on me. I look straight and the sun I hate smiles down at me. Why am I here? I sit up and wipe blood off my face, but it keeps dripping. I feel everything.

My high is wearing off.

I stand up, the building seemingly so much smaller and trudge in. I’m late, I’m bruised, I’m battered but I’m here.

“Mr. Wells, do you have another riveting tale for us today?” Teacher.

“What? No,” I slide into a seat, scratching wearily at my skin.

Fuck, I need a hit.

———

“I heard you got into a fight with Chris.”

“Yup.”

“Over his girl?”

“Yup.”

“You even know her name?”

“Nope.”

“Oh, Brighton,” You sigh wearily. I finally look up to catch your face.

“Sorry,” I whisper, I don’t know if you heard me, and I almost dont want you to. I feel like that’s a part of me, of my heart being cut away. Given to you.

You’re a guy.

Why am i not high?

Oh right. Because I’m with you. Because you “don’t approve”. Because you’re above my shit and I love you. Shit. Shit.

“It’s okay,” So you heard, so you caught my heart. It’s not okay. This isn’t okay but it’s not like I’m primed to stop. I can’t stop.

“Okay,” I say instead and you go back to the video game you’re playing and I’m watching.

That’s fine, and that’s fine. I didnt want your attention anyway. It’s fine, really. I just can’t tear my eyes away from you or the tongue poking out of your lips in concentration. I can’t see what’s happening on screen, but it must be good if your smile is anything to go by. You look so happy, why am i not smiling like that?

So i do, I test it out on my face. It stretches and pulls at my muscles, taunt without their usual stimulant.

“You havent smiled in ages,” You note and I dont stop. Just smile, all teeth, i can feel it. We’re at your place and you have the air on. It’s dark except for the TV, and it’s cold.

I’m okay.

 (*)

 I wake up gasping, nightime. Nightmare. You.

I get up from the bed, your bed. I’m still at your house. Sober. I cant stop shaking and you’re a light sleeper.

“Brigh’?” Mumble, mumble I’m in trouble.

“I have to go,” I feel frantic, my skin feels too hot. Fuck, hot, bright, Brighton, loved. Not okay.

“Wait, wait, Brighton,” You’re sitting up. No, just go back to sleep, please stop. Just stop. Stop. Stop.

“Stop,” My feet are hitting the ground fast before I can think, I’m carried away.  Space growing between us. Outside it’s still dark, but I feel the sun. I can’t always see it, but the bright is always there.

My room in my apartment. Never have peeling walls, dirty floors and a grey existence been such a welcome. I breathe it in, and exhale smoke. Fast forward and I’m hardly here at all. My eyelids are heavy, so heavy, but sleep is a far stretch away. Tingling away from my hands. Sleep is a dream.

Genius.

I sit up and crawl, not okay, to my bedroom, my desk, desertlamp on, my computer. Keyboard waiting for me happily. Type, type, type. I have a paper due in creative lit 3, and my material is dancing before my eyes. Little words like subtitles across the bottom of my lids. There is no sound around me, just the words whispered softly in my ear. Ability at my fingertips.

I feel nothing, I feel everything. I swipe black hair from my eyes, long. A while back I cut my hair after the lead singer of my favorite band. I’m paying for it now, it’s so long.

I feel the words like a gust of air through my transparent body. My overheated skin burned by the desertlamp is cooled and relieved.

I feel.

xx

A- Beautifully written. Powerfully unique. I would like to see you writing lighter topic next time.

I got an A. I got an A, but I’m confused. Topics are topics. They don’t weigh anything. They’re just thoughts. Topics swarm, topics are spoken and traded, and taboo. Are topics heavy also?

Is the simple notion of sleep as a dream too heavy?

What’s the line?

Coke? Pot? Heroine? Crime? Sex? Violence? What’s heavy? Not those.

No, those aren’t topics at all. Those are just vices. Etched into a skin and marring beauty. No, those decay a person; those take over a persons eyes. Those live inside and breed friends similar. No, those aren’t topics. That’s a life.

A life can’t be heavy. A life can drag, and split but weight had nothing to do about it. Life is imprinted with heavy topics and then let loose on a wandering soul. I imagine that the soul feels naked, empty and cold. I imagine that it is happy with anything that comes along. If you were a lonely soul wouldn’t you be happy a body came to you, asking you to jump in? Asking so much from you –so inexperienced? You’re young, soul that is, and so alone. So alone. You jump in; make room by the heartache and drugs and it feels like home. The life closes up its opening, and you -soul- realize too late. It’s too late.

Not okay.

And now we’re stuck, all of us. In these weightless bodies, next to our vices. Maybe yours isn’t drugs, but you harbor. You live with your vice. You’re body could be a box or a mansion, but inside prowls that vice.

And that’s okay.

A vice isn’t heavy.

A body isn’t heavy.

Souls aren’t heavy.

Innocence. Innocence is heavy.

Innocence follows like a heavy fog, weighing a person down. It’s born in all of us, even you, even me. Innocence weighs more then anyone can hold, we have to let it go. People cling to it, to their “innocence” and you, my heartache, cling to yours so hard it scares me. Let it go. I had to let the weight off of me. I was too weak for the heaviness, for the burden of “innocence”. I let it go. It had dragged me down, and now I’m light. Now, I’m high. See, do you see that play on words? That’s what letting go does. The world gets so many in-betweens. With the darker the world gets it’s no longer black and white. And for all my talk,

I’d give anything for the weight back.

To wake up and not be burdened by colors and between the lines and those and this, but never that and highs and lows, failure, middle ground. To wake up and just be.

I sigh, looking out my window. Void.

It’s nearly Christmas.

 (*)

 “Hey Bright,” You don’t mention my panic attack from the other day, and I’m thankful. I also can hardly understand the English language.

“Spin!” I smile; your face looks lovely today. Yup, it does, does, does.

“You’ve been on something more often then not, as of late.”

“Really? No, no. I’m hardly, I-I’m not really on… anything. I-my. You look pretty today!” I finish grandly, throwing you off guard. Your pretty face looks different.  Wrinkles above your eyebrows, “What’s that?” I point and mimic the expression.

 “My frustrated face,” You answer, and your voice is deeper.

 “Oh. Hey, hey do you think. Do you think a topic can be heavy?”

“Sure. Something no one wants to talk about,” You shrug.

“Oh. Oh, I guess. I didn’t think so. I didn’t. It doesn’t weigh anything-”

“They aren’t talking about weight, Brighton,”

“No, no. No, listen. Listen, it doesn’t weigh anything. And, things that do, they aren’t topics. Those are trivial, y’know?  But, and what people do, what we live for. That thing that we share our lives with, that’s nothing too. That’s just this unforgiving passenger. Or, or maybe even the driver… I don’t know, but point is, it weighs nothing, it takes nothing to carry it. But what I figured out was, was that innocence, how we’re all born with it, that is the heaviest thing a person can carry. It burdens us, it breaks us until we shed it.  It takes nothing to be corrupt, only the strongest can carry innocence like a shield. Do you get what I’m saying?” You’re so strong.

“…And then you say something like that,” You breathe out softly. My fingers itch to touch.

“I’m kinda outta it,” You know, “But I’m sure that wasn’t the answer I was looking for.”

“No. It’s just, when giving up on you seems the only way; you show me why I can’t. How smart you are,” I. Oh.

And you’re looking at me like I’m worth looking at. It feels so good to breathe under your eyesight. This is okay.

Arms. Around me. It takes a minute to click and oh, we’re hugging. Why are we hugging?

“Brighton. Please, just try for me. Please, it’s killing me. Please stop it all.”

My warm fuzzys stop. You’ve never outright asked that of me. It was there, I could feel the plead in every move you made, radiating. But now, it’s vocalized.

Now you’ve done it.

I stop hugging but you cling. Are you crying? Am I crying? I can’t stop, this is bigger then me. I tell you as much.

“Get help, Bright. Get help and get out. Please,” I can’t promise anything, but-

“I-I’ll try?”-maybe.

——–

Sobriety is officially the world’s most overrated thing, ever. It’s two days later, 4 ‘til Christmas. And I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me.

My face is wet, my body is shaking. I can’t tell what I’m experiencing withdrawals from because I’ve been on them all. You’re gripping me tight, saying words like “love” and “proud” and “Brighton”.  There’s a fog to you. Your sounds penetrate, your words do not. I can’t see you either, but my eyes are probably closed/ I’m really cold.

“Can’t, can’t,” Mumble, mumble.

“Sh, you can, Brighton. You can-”

“Can’t, can’t. I can’t. I-Spencer-can’t,”

“Sleep, relax. So good, Bright,” Fuck, I’m so cold. Fuck, it’s so hot.

This isn’t going to end well, and we both know it.

You have optimism for days.

———

It’s three days later and tomorrow is Christmas.

I can’t get up, I can’t move. This isn’t enough.

My chest hurts, why are you doing this to me?

This is cruel, you are cruel. Staying at my house; by my side, making me food, warming my body. How dare you?

I’m feeling better though, I must admit. I’m not shaking nearly as hard and my eyes can open again. I still want it. Fuck, I want so much it feels like I’m going to explode with pure need of an absolution.

“Bright,” Yes? “Brighton, I have to visit my parents tomorrow morning. Think you can handle yourself for that long?” Is this all you think of me?

Am I just a… child? A child for you to fuss over, to coo over, to hold my hand when I fall and pick back up?  Is that all? You’re an angel in my eyes. You’re the greatest good there is, pure innocence in human form, strong to hold it.  That’s what you are; you are so close to perfection. I am a child.

“Go ahead,” I’ll show you child.

———

“I was starting to worry about you, kid.”

“Just a quick vacation off,” I assure. My eyes are flickering around the dim apartment, home away from home.

“Come in, come in. Merry Christmas,” His laugher feels hollow. It doesn’t just seem. Like, I can feel this. Feel the empty space where the meaning behind it would be.

I wander in, and you cross my mind. I can’t pinpoint why I’m doing this to myself, to you. The moment you bid me goodbye, I was out like a light, shoes on and headed to where my vices materialize. To this hole in the wall, hole in my heart. Fuck, this place is so dirty.

I am so dirty.

“Come in, I said,” Right, right. I take my small steps in, room opening up before me, and “Take a seat kid,” Kid. Kid. Kid.

I’m always a kid to this guy, but I’ve never felt more young. I’m hardly this adult I’m supposed to be. Although, I’m hardly an adult legally, but point in case; I am. I am, but I’m not. I’m so not.

“What’s good?” His opinion was always good. Revert to old habits, I suppose. Fuck, I’m thinking way too much, “Anything to clear my mind?”

“Fer sure, kid,” He smiles slow and snake-like, same as always. I’ll be leaving here doped up, “You know the price,” I do. I know, but it kills a part of me every time. And actually, I’m pretty sure it killed me the first time and now he’s just chipping away at the remains. My throat feels dry, my heart is pounding and for someone so dead, I sure do feel.

Dark rooms, and a shove towards my hell.

Sleep is a dream.

…

As soon as possible I’m out of there too. Kid fresh out of a candy store, pockets bulging with sweets.  I wrap my sweatshirt closer around my frame and think about you again. (Always) You would hate me if you knew. If you knew how I fuel this obsession, and that it is so wrong and I am so wring. I want to stop, I’ve never wanted that so bad.

I feel dizzy as I enter my apartment again, and with no drugs my thoughts come cleaner. Nothing as fragmented or ridiculous. Well, maybe a little, but I think that’s just me.

…Maybe…that’s…just…

me.

The powder I was measuring splatters with realization, but. I don’t. Care. I don’t. I- me. Me. It’s… I can decipher myself within this…. this shell. I have lines around me, a joint ready to be rolled, I have myself. I blink. I blink again. And I can’t breathe, but I’m inhaling steadily. I don’t want this. Well, I do, I still feel the pull, but mentally I don’t want this. This vice.

The door opens. You. You wont understand, you’ll jump to conclusions. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I jump up from kneeling, frantic. Got to hide it, all of it. Flush it, ignore it, pretend. Please don’t see!

“Het Bright, I got you…” You trail off. You’re not looking at me, no. You’re staring angrily at the whit dust on the table. It’s not what it looks like!

“No,” I whisper. It’s not what it looks like! I wanted the escape, the crutch, I needed it then. I gave up myself, my body to someone and to these drugs. I know. I know, okay? But, but, I didn’t! I don’t want to! I was weak, I was… a child. I’m done. Please, please, I want to grow up! I want this to end! Please, “Spencer,”

Your eyes flick to mine, watery. Both. I want you to understand, but I can’t get the words on my side. I can’t. I can’t.  

“Why?” You croak, “Why are you killing me?” No! No, that’s the last thing I wanted. Blame.

“No! Spencer. No, I-I. I didn’t…I couldn’t…I flushed them…weal…didn’t…want…flushed…I can feel me, now. I don’t want that to stop… I don’t want you… to go. Didn’t…swear,” I stumble my words, and to you, arms outstretched. I grab you before you can go, grab you tight and cling.”

I’m so sorry.

I don’t ever want to lose you.

I don’t ever want to lose me, again.

Don’t leave me with my vices.

I’m scared.

“I’m scared.”

Please answer me. Please do something. Please, please?!

“You need real help. I’m only one person. I’m only 20. You need to go, leave and stay there until you’re better,” I nod, understanding. I’m too much.

I’m a child.

You’re far too young to be taking care of someone who can’t take care of themselves. Can’t love someone who can’t possibly love themselves. Can’t touch something so dirty.

“And,” You continue, angling my face to yours, “I know what you’re thinking,” Nod, “I’m not going any-fucking-where. I’m here, I’m with you until you can’t stand me anymore,” You promise. Suddenly, there’s a click form my bedroom, glass shattering as my desertlamp burns itself out.

And in my semi-lit apartment, Christmas day, energy buzzing between our eyes.

We’ve got optimism for years.

 (*)

End.

[inequilibrium]

this is really unasked for and i hope is not a burden and if it is im truly sorry but i need to talk to someone. In addition to it, i want to maybe warn you if you don´t want to read this ask im going to talk about mental health and concerns i have.[ ------ ]----- Lately i´ve been struggling with depression an anxiety, as it is; the main reason is because i couldnt find what i wanted to do with my life, or if its even worth it. Being honest i never wanted to board that issue, not even when (1)

everything is under a cut!

(2) i had to choose a major, and rn when im about to finish it i realized i messed up, i dont know what i want to do because my drive to keep studyind that major wasnt because i wanted to do that for life not even because i enjoyed it, i did it because it was ‘the right thing to do’ ‘something i always wanted’ and it kept me busy with the idea that at least i wasnt being lazy, i was doing something, my life had a meanig and a gold, for who? who knows (2)

(3) and now that i find myself finishing it, and i have to choose again something to specialize and get my degree i started thinking about why keep doing it, i dont want to get a job according to it, i dont even like it, i dont hate it either but i truly dont see myself doing anything related to it. And it hit me, really hard and it hurt so much, the fact that i actually trew away five and a half years of my life, thinkig it was the right thing to do and being unhappy, for what (3)

(4) i was avoiding the whole thing and i dont even know why, but the moment i found myself thinkig about where i wanted to go, getting a job and why i wanted to finsih my carreer; i realized that, because i wasnt brave enough to face my problems and reallity i could be stucked forever doing something i dont love, spending more and more of my time instead of actually investing it. I made a mistake and it felt really awful, how many more years was i going to be okay throwing away (4)

(5) and now im stucked on a different place, now i want to find something im willing to spend my life on but i cant think of anything. I havent fully forgive myself for acting the way i did, it really really hurt those 5 years of waste, and i dont want to keep loosing time that wont come back. I try to make peace in the sense that okay, theyre gone but im still young, theres so much more i can do; but is not easy. Ive been feelling so lost and hopeless. i want to have a reason, a purpose (5)

(6) i dont want to stay till but rn i cant find a reason to even get out of bed, why would i get up, get dressed, eat. If i dont have something i want to do or get, either acomplish; and the things i have at the moment i dont want them because even thinking about them makes sad each and every day. It sounds really bad since im on an advantageous position, i have health and i am abled but my mind doesnt let me go. I dont know what to do now, i know its a matter of picking again and (6)

(7) and start working but when i try to ask myself, i found a blank space. Its the worst ive been in years because even if i think of starting a new major, i got such a negative conception of college as an institution and experience, all the sadness ive been feeling, imprinted a lot of negative feelings to it; that now even going back just triggers my anxiety and depression. I really dont know what should i do, or if anything would even worth it. i think im not completely helpless since (7)

(8) im still willing to try, but my depression and self judgement peeps and i cant seem to get out of it. Now i dont even know what i like or enjoy, what im actually willing to do, or what is the right thing to do or even if i should finish this major in the mean time. There was a point where i wanted to stop trying. and even now, even if im willing to try i dont know towards what i should run. I wnat to think im doing better that the past days, at least i stopped crying all and judging and (8)

(9) blaming myself, but my appetite is still gone, and the things i used to enjoy just feel like a burden to me atm, listening to music, reading; i dont feel interest on doing it anymore, i stil get distracted and cant seem to concentrate. i dont know what to do, how does one fall back again on the track of life?. I dont wat to get stucked but im stucked right now. I want to try and think but my mind is messed up and blank, if the things, the small ones i ised to enjoy i cant seem to be able (9

(10) to even do them anymore, how am i supposed to find a purpose, a gold. something i like and am willing to invest my time on. I feel confused and sad. and i really dont know where to start. it was so sad when i found myself surrounded by people who seem to know what they wanted, or why they were doing that major, how it made them feel acomplished, i realized something was really wrong because wasnt even one bit excited. and it made me think, and blame myself to no end (10)

(11) im afraid of choosing again,messing up,being that wrong. But for more that i want to move on my mind wont let me,and i dont know anymore.[ ] Im really sorry for doing this, and by no means i want to give my problems to someone else, i dont intent to load anything on anyone i just needed to talk to somebody,we dont know eachother but i dont feel like you are a complete stranger to me since ive been following your blog and i read about what you share,talk and write,for quite sometime now(11)

(12) im truly truly sorry,

okay firstly, never say sorry for feelings and for wanting to express them. you’re always allowed to feel.

i don’t know why you picked me to share this with but i’m honoured.

i’m not the best at advice, i think i’ve made too many mistakes in life to really know anything about what’s going on. but i do know one thing, the major you choose, any choice you make, that doesn’t have to be the be all and end all of things. there’s always another road, a way to make a u-turn, and a way to rectify things.

there’s nothing wrong with not knowing where to go next or what to do or even why you chose the major you did. it’s a little unfair of the world to expect young people to know what they’re doing when sometimes even people who have lived far longer lifetimes seem to just be faking it, isn’t it?

when i graduated college, it was with a science degree, because back then, i liked science and i was good at it. unfortunately, by about a year before graduation, i already knew i never wanted to go near a science lab or a science book ever again. by then, it was too late to change. so, i made a different choice when looking for a job, and in a roundabout way, i’m now in mass communications; a writing job. exactly what college-me didn’t know i wanted.

it’s okay to be stuck and not know what to do, no one ever knows, that’s the beauty of life, we’re all making it up as we go along.

take a first step, just…maybe see what’s out there, what you can do, what you want to do. look for what they’re looking for, if maybe it’s general enough that you fulfil the criteria. i don’t know what major you have right now, but i think many jobs don’t necessarily need a very specific degree, they just need a certain level of education. then you gotta take the leap, and try.

easier said than done, i know. but i believe you can.

no one ever makes perfect choices, that’s why there’s chances in every stage of life to make a u-turn. if you’re wrong, it’s okay, what matters is you try to fix it. and i think you have a heart to do that, even if it’s a little bit harder right now.

and that’s my attempt at advice ahhh. i hope it helped a bit but please disregard everyTHING if it didn’t. i hope it gets easier as time goes by, and i hope you find a road and opportunities that will help. (msg me offanon if you want tho)

[raywarham-blog]

Liverpool Squad troubles

Mignolet – Been at the club since 2013. Never in my eyes been good enough. Comes across as a decent shot stopper but when you dig deeper that just isnt true. Can’t come for crosses, isnt commanding of his defence and his kicking is comparable to that of a 10 year old on Buckley Hill. Saved a fair few pens as a highlight but overall not good enough, never has been and never will be. The fact Klopp picks him as his number one completely baffles me, as I think it does many fans.

VERDICT - SELL

Karius – People where delighted when he signed. Another sign that fans don’t rate Mignolet. He came in and made some terrible errors. Bournemouth away was a shocker for him, especially so early on. Got a couple of games after that but never looked confident. One of the only keepers I’ve ever seen kick a goal kick out for a corner. As with Mignolet he cant come for crosses and although he looks confident on the ball he has every fans heart in their mouth as he tries to turn every striker rushing at him. What ever happened to just getting rid. Had a couple of cup games here and there inbetween lsoing his place. I think he done well against Southampton in the league cup but chances have been few and far between since. Given the chance again in the Champions League this year but terrible positioning in the Away leg at Moscow highlighted that he probably isnt the answer.

VERDICT – Keep for now but easily repleceable.

Ward – Not seen much of him in a Liverpool shirt to comment. He made an unbelievable save pre season, only for the defence to be asleep and it cost a goal anyway. Ward has had two excellent loan spells at Aberdeen and Brighton. All of the reviews seem to suggest he has the talent to become Liverpool and Wales number one but we all know the pressure that comes with that. Capped a couple of times for Wales and played their first game of the Euros, limited club time probably preventing him getting the number one slot. In my opinion should be given a run of games in the side after both Mignolet and Karius have shown their incompetence on many occasions. Klopp deciding to keep him as a 3rd keeper when he could have been playing for Huddersfield in the Premier League is another truly baffling decision by our manager and won’t have gone down well with Ward I’m sure.

VERDICT - KEEP

Clyne – I was probably one of his biggest critics going into this season, always thought he done okay defensively apart from the odd lapse at the far post but struggled going forward. In the modern game we expect our full backs to be good at both and if they arent we label them as not good enough. In all truth I cant wait for Clyne to return from injury. Never thought I’d see the day I thought that. With our attacking options, especially with Salah playing on the right this season I think Clyne being more reliable defensively will only help us. Less pressure on him to produce in the final third is something I think he will be happy with. We had Glen Johnson who was decent going forward and awful at the back. Clyne is opposite of that in my eyes and I’d prefer it that way. Maybe not good enough if you want to win leagues and go far in champions leagues year on year but for now Clyne is a decent and usually relaiable option.

VERDICT - KEEP

Trent – Youngster with bags and bags of ability, comfortable on the ball and doesn’t lack in confidence. Can deliver a wicked cross and we have already seen he can be deadly from set pieces. Takes a decent corner too, which is something we havent seen at Anfield for a few years. Beating the 1st man has been our achilles heal all too often. Needs a good few pans of Scouse and sessions in the gym to beef up but that will come with age. Signs looks really good for Trent and being a scouser we all want him to do so well.

Only downside for me is his defending. Maybe this is why a lot of people talk about Trent playing further up the field as he matures. Seems to switch off and lose his man a lot and has a tendency to turn his back on crosses. Again this could be down to age and I wouldn’t be too worried about this for now, but if he wants to be starting games he will need to learn this quickly. Gomez has been preferred to him in the bigger games this season and I’d put that down to him being better defensively. Fingers crossed for Trent he seems to have the right character to adapt and learn.

VERDICT - KEEP

Gomez – Looked great when he first came in. I rememebr him playing away to Arsenal and marking Walcott out of the game at left back. Walcott is no world beater but he is pacey and away at Arsenal in a rookie season can be daunting. Suffered two terrible injuries after this and many thought he wouldn’t return to the 1st team at Anfield. Credit to him he’s worked tirelessly at his recovery and is now playing regularly for both England U21’s as captain and Liverpool. Sometimes looks immature in his defending but hasn’t played many games at the top level and when he does its usually at full back when his preferred position is in the cernte of defence. Was great against Man Utd a few weeks back and Lovren’s latest gaff will hopefully provide Gomez with an extended run in his favoured position to show he’s got what it takes to make it.

VERDICT - KEEP

Matip – When we signed he came with a decent enough reputation. Played in the Champions League for Schalke, was a huge figure who likes to play out from the back. In reality he is sluggish, not commanding and for the size of him is bullied all to often both on the floor and in the air. Doesn’t look to have great positional sense and can often be found wondernig back when we are conceding goals. Been a huge disappointment for me, although he did come on a free which is something I guess. Definitely not good enough moving forward, he has been terrible this season and if it wasn’t for Lovren being worse he would be at the centre of fans abuse.

VERDICT - SELL.

Lovren – Hard not to go to town on Lovren here. Completely inadequate and not good enough for Liverpool Football Club. It’s at the point now where although I blame him for errors its not his fault Klopp continues to pick him nor failed to replace him in the summer. He makes mistake after mistake. Again like Matip nowhere near commanding enough for the size he is, often pushed aside.

Has complete lapses in concentration all too often to play at the top top level and his ball playing skills leave a lot to be desired. His passes to the full backs can often be found in the lower centenary. Had problems off the field which have been well documented and can’t have helped his performances. He once got my nephew a ticket for the game so I’ll always know he’s a decent human being and be thankful for that. Can’t see how he has a future with the Reds after his horror show at Wembley though.

VERDICT – SELL

Klavan – Came in knowing he would be 3rd or 4th choice CB. Had a couple of opportunities and played okay on a couple of occasions. Simply not Liverpool standard and no point wasting time evidencing why.

VERDICT – SELL

Moreno – Been at the club from 2014. Feels like 1914. Made a bright start scoring a cracker against Spurs away. Been pretty much downhill from there. Words probably can’t describe how bad his defending has been. Was one of the worst performers in the defeat to Seville in Basle. Dropped last season for Milner a midfielder playing left back yet has been brought back into the fold this season. Another of Klopp’s astounding decisions, how this has happened is beyond me. Many feel that Moreno has performed well this season, I just don’t think he’s been as truly woeful as he usually is. Blessed with blistering pace and it’s a good job because it gets him out of trouble at least twice a game due to his positioning incompetence. He was found closing the goalkeeper down the other week when we conceded away at Hoffenheim. Apparently has an excellent attitude and is clearly a favourable member of the dressing room but as a fan I couldn’t care less how many times he walks his dog on a hover board.

VERDICT – SELL

Robertson – Not seen enough to comment. Performed impressively on the few outings he’s been awarded by Klopp, MOM in one. Not sure if this was a committee signing or Klopp is bedding him in but I can’t understand why he hasn’t played more minutes. Bet he can’t either.

VERDICT - KEEP

Henderson – I’ve always liked Henderson I think he has the right attitude and adores the club. Came with a big(ish) price tag at the time and was a big move for him coming from his boyhood club. Hard one this as I think he is a talented footballer and the fact he’s always been picked by any manager he plays for even England backs this up. But I just don’t see it anymore. I’m not sure if injuries have hampered him, they certainly can’t have helped but he hasn’t lived up to anything near what he promised to be. Became our skipper after Gerrard retired, maybe by default in many eyes. I’m certain now that he’s not the right captain for us moving forward. I think as soon as we sign a commanding centre back they will get the armband or maybe Keita when he arrives.

Henderson isn’t a good enough leader, he is fine shouting abuse at the liner or referee but can often been seen head bowed walking towards the centre spot after conceding. He isn’t strong enough in the tackle when we need him and hasn’t got the ability of a Gerrard or Alonso to dictate the pace of play. Goals are another issue, I know he plays a lot of games as the deep lying midfielder but he simply doesn’t score enough. He threatening to a few seasons back but nothing since. He often snatches at good chances which is a same as he seems technically gifted. Too often sideways or backwards and that chipped cross to the far post is infuriating. Huge shame as like I say I like Henderson and wanted him to prove the doubters wrong, however I just don’t think he has it.

VERDICT – SQUAD PLAYER

Gini – Was a star performer in a relegated Newcastle side. Not sure if this should have been the writing on the wall. Came in and was solid, some really good displays and he bagged us some important goals in big games. City, Arsenal and Chelsea to name a few. Got about the pitch and at times looked like he could keep a ball in a phone box. It all looked good for him in his first season although his away form was a worry. Just a few months later and it’s the complete opposite. Away form is horrendous, carrying on where he left off last season, at times if I was Klopp I wouldn’t even bother naming him in the squad. That’s how bad he has been. For a box to box midfielder not to score away from home for Liverpool in more than a season is nothing short of pathetic in my eyes. We get enough possession and chances for him to have broken his duck. If we had better players or less on the injury table he wouldn’t be in the 11, its that simple. Time will tell for him but on the face of things not one for the future.

VERDICT – SQUAD PLAYER

Can – Where to start. Came over in 2014 as a youngster with huge potential having left Bayern Munich for game time at Leverkusen. Can has been hit and miss, more miss than hit. Played out of position by Rodgers at central defence and sometimes right back and struggled to find his form. Looked at the end of last season like he would kick on and played well in the last few games helping us get 4th. Like Gini and Henderson has struggled massively this term, a decent game against Seville at home his only stand out performance.

He should at 6 foot and a big unit dominate games through his sheer size and strength but too often is found out. Often caught in possession wanting too many touches on the ball and as a number 6 this often leads to attacks baring down on our already woeful defence. Linked with Juve which might suit him as the play in Italy in slower than that of the premier league. Believes his own hype and spends far too much time in front of a mirror to ever to Liverpool’s hard man. Would personally drive him to Turin.

VERDICT – LET GO to JUVE – Maybe leave out until then also. Not helping our cause.

Milner – Came on a free on huge wages. Joke wages if reports are true. Good honest pro, no nonsense and many managers have said you need players like Milner in your squad. He performed to the best of his ability at left back last season and a credit to him for that. However he was shocking for the final 4 months of the season and maybe this is why Klopp tried Moreno again? Been a decent enough signing and will play a part this season as and when called upon. Don’t think he will last beyond next summer as a Reed. Wish him luck.

VERDICT – SELL/RELEASE next Summer.

Coutinho – Another hard one to write. I said I wouldn’t let myself love a player after Torres broke many of our hearts a few years back and not many players have come close. Suarez was close and then this summer Coutinho was also. He’s a magician, a true game changer. One people pay to watch. Fans love him and managers love him. First name on the team sheet and maybe our only world class player.

That being said he won’t be a Liverpool player come next summer and we need to plan our spending well, IF we get the money. After trying to force his way to Barcelona in the summer he’s lost his place in many fans hearts. Rafa rescued him from Inter reserves and we have developed him into a star. He threw all that in our faces this summer and some of his antics where despicable. Never to be forgiven from me.

This season he has got his head down, like Suarez a few years back and has been a star performer again. Scoring or assisting in most games. He does go missing sometimes in games and for weeks on end but the quality is there and this season it’s been more regular than not. Will be greatly missed when he leaves but I won’t spend too much time worrying about it after what he done. Good riddance.

VERDICT – Be gone next summer anyway.

Lallana – Felt he struggled in his first season at Anfield. In and out of the side and had a couple of knocks. Became an automatic choice since then. His energy is vital to our press and winning the ball high up the pitch. He has a great first touch and the way he accepts a ball makes me think he can’t be English. Often overplayed by both club and country and has picked up injuries as a result, halting progress and action this season. We’ve badly missed him in the side. Should score and assist more for a man with his ability and will eventually see him replaced in the side for someone who does. Again great attitude and always leaves it all on the pitch.

VERDICT – KEEP

Firmino – Been a good signing in my opinion although his goal tally now he plays up front is not good enough. Don’t solely blame him for this and I don’t think he’s ever been a goal scorer or a number 9. Work rate is terrific and he is rated highly amongst a lot of Reds fans although doesn’t seem to get much acknowledgement outside of Liverpool. Can be breath-taking but can be frustrating also, something I suppose you get with Brazilians. Loves the club and loves playing for Liverpool. I think he needs to play as a midfielder again to fulfil his maximum potential to Liverpool as playing upfront he will never score us the goals we need.

VERDICT – KEEP

Salah – Been outstanding since signing. A snip in today’s market. Goals and assists galore and a terrific work ethic to boot. We need to add pace to our attack for when Mane is out and he’s provided just that. Looks fit and a fiddle and without tempting fate he’s played a lot of minutes already but seems up to the pace. Had a lot to prove after his Chelsea spell but has gone a long way to proving Mourinho was wrong back then. Terrific addition and hopefully be here a long time.

VERDICT – KEEP

Mane – Again an absolute snip at the price we got him for. Would possibly go for double now. Pace to burn and knows where the net is. Lots of energy and the biggest compliment to pay him is that we don’t look the same side without him, even with Coutinho and Salah. Glides past players after slowing them down. Having a frustrating season with both injury and suspension this term. Hopefully won’t be out too long and can get us firing again as soon as possible. I think we will struggle to keep Mane next summer if we finish outside the top 4.

VERDICT – KEEP

Sturridge – Such a shame. Used to say outside of Aguero he was the best in the league. Injuries have ruined his career, has all the talent in the world but will never be fit enough to show it. Used to be deadly given one chance, seems to have lost this now as well as a yard of pace. I don’t think Klopp has given him a good run of games in fairness to him. Many believe a lot of problems are in his head, unfortunately we may never know. One things for sure is that we won’t have him here beyond next summer to find out. Be astounded if Klopp doesn’t sell next year, on massive wages too.

VERDICT – SELL

Solanke – Too soon to pass judgement on him. Looked okay in his cameo’s. Needs a goal badly for some confidence.

VERDICT – KEEP

Chamberlain – Too early to tell in his Liverpool career. Massively overpriced for 35m and if he wasn’t English I don’t think we would have signed him. Hoping he gets a fair crack of the ship under Klopp, not going to judge before he does.

VERDICT – KEEP

Woodburn – Touted as the next big thing. Head and shoulder above at times at youth level when I’ve watched him. Done brilliantly for Wales in the two qualifiers and is always in the squad. He’s another one I don’t understand why Klopp doesn’t give more minutes too. Even as last sub, he never seems to get on. I know he’s young but so what. Gerrard and Owen were 17 when they started Okaying regularly, Woodburn’s just turned 18 and our midfield isn’t setting the world alight. He been playing more centrally lately so maybe we are bedding him in for that role in the future.

VERDICT – KEEP