#critics are not gonna be kind about this film. this will defo be at the top of like top 10 worst films of 2024 lists

[clownkiwi]

alright final sandy cheeks movie thoughts

[vanikolya]

going to the cinema - allies (minus france)

america / alfred

he says it’s a day out for both of you, but in reality you’re acting more like his parent than his friend

“omg omgggg i’m gonna get the limited edition merch from the new film” “alfred, no”

buys too many of the overpriced snacks, you still have stuff left by the time the credits roll around

you have to shush him sometimes

says you should go watch all the preview films together when they come out, even if they look baaaaad bad he still wants to go

you making quiet comments and jokes about the film, but he laughs way too loud for someone who’s sat in a cinema

oh and ofc you have like, the best seats, “it’s cooler that way”, i’m talking about those high. quality. top row seats.

if the film is available to see in 3d, you’re seeing it in 3d. no question, alfred wears the 3d glasses on top of his usual glasses, he doesn’t even give one about the physical inconvenience

it’s most likely a new action film, or a re-showing of a classic kids’ film like toy story or something

mcdonalds afterwards. you have to walk past one on your way home so it was kind of expected ngl

film review time over your mcdonalds, whether you sit in or take out there’s no avoiding impromptu film review time

walks you home if you ask, but generally you can both just settle for walking together and splitting up when you need to go different ways

england / arthur

he doesn't like cinemas so much (why go to watch a film sitting with random people when you can watch it in the comfort of your own home?) but he'll go, if you ask nicely

or bribe him. he takes magic spells and easy recipes

probably a paranormal horror film, or a romcom. nothing overly flashy and american, like an action film or slash horror

you bring your own snacks and drinks, why waste money on cinema snacks when you can buy the same thing from a normal shop for less?

arthur's special move is "instantly become a film critic when the previews start"

"we should watch this one when it comes out" "this one looks like utter rubbish"

if he doesn't like the film, he'll pretend to like it until you've left the cinema and he can proceed with shit talking the film

he's a little critical like wow arthur give the thing a chance

you don't go for takeaway/fast food after, not a fancy restaurant either, just something inbetween where you can have a quick meal

that being said, if the cinema was a spontaneous decision, then you're defo on fish and chips or a pub dinner

walks you home, either fully or halfway. whether you're on a date or just a platonic day out, he still wants you home safe, and it's the nice thing to do either way

china / yao

you only have to ask once, because it seems like good fun, he's willing to go

your own snacks or no snacks, take it or leave it

any film goes really, though he will comment over large portions of most of them

a live movie review so to say, not one afterwards like alfred does

"yao. yao please omg shush there's a film"

get him quiet before someone else shushes him first, christ he's not happy with it when that happens

he's not blunt about it but if he didn't like the film, then you're gonna know

same if he likes it too, you're hearing all about it

ci v i li z ed conversations about the film, rather than just how alfred and arthur would rant or info dump about their opinions on it

your house or his house afterwards? either way he cooks for you both, no restaurant or fast food needed

maybe a few street food snacks on the way, if available

(if you went to his house) he lets you walk home alone if you want to/don't mind, but defo the type to like double double check you're okay with it if you do

canada / matthew

very willing to go to the cinema, it's a nice place to spend time together without necessarily having to have a big conversation or be loud

prefers calmer films to action films, likes adventure films at a push

simple snacks, low amount, "less is more", plus it leaves less chance of either of you feeling sick afterwards

looks for positives in the film if he doesn't like it, but quietly glowing if he does like it

mostly just likes being able to spend his time with someone who doesn't leave him behind and who takes notice of him

he wants to hear about what you thought about the film, he'll add things in from his own opinion if he feels the need

you go to a cafe afterwards, for hot drinks and something sweet, unless you're hungrier than that

if so, going to a small restaurant or fast food place is fine

walks you home all the way; enjoys the company, and wants you to get home safely too

quite preoccupied with making sure you're happy and enjoying yourself

"you're not thirsty are you, i can buy you a drink?" "are you sure?" "okay then, just tell me if you want anything"

probably brought a small present for you, whether it was a platonic or romantic day, he wants to thank you for caring for him and being nice

russia / ivan

yes, he'll go with you!

it makes him happy to have been asked, finally someone's not so scared of him, enough that they would ask him to go somewhere with them

cinema snacks, though the prices did annoy him slightly, on both of your behalves

and safe to say your snack quantity is on the lower side, due to said prices

any horror films, but he's still oddly cheerful after leaving the cinema

blunt with his opinions on the film, but whether he liked it or not he still says everything with a smile on his face

surprisingly good listener when you're talking about your own opinions on the film

it's his own cooking, or a restaurant, though he would prefer baltic/russian food so you could try the types of food he likes

insists on walking you home, to make double sure you get home safely

and let me tell you, no one is messing with you while he's by your side, he can disarm them from their intentions with just one glare

thanks you for inviting him to go with you, like, you could have picked another friend but you chose him instead

made clear that he'd like to do something like this again, and would say yes if you asked him again

[night-panda]

I agree with the other anon. It's like you pick and choose such small parts of the movie and blow them up until they ~symbolize~ something - often by taking them completely out of context. I think you just want to be mad. Which sucks for you because it's actually way more fun to just enjoy the movie.

Original Rant

Original Anon

Hey nonny, what I’m understanding of your message is that either, 

a) The material given should not be analyzed and taken at face value. Which does make the movie going experience much easier as it makes inconsistencies, plot holes and problematic themes get a pass as they become void of importance. I will admit, if no thought is given while watching a piece of media, most things are pretty satisfactory. However, that does not mean that problematic elements are not still there. Rather, what this says is that we should just take what is given, even if it’s bad, sit down, shut up, and perpetuate harmful stereotypes and tropes because really who the fuck cares?

Who the fuck cares about sexism? Racism? Anti- semitism? Victims of abuse? Who the fuck cares what happens in the subtext, it wasn’t in the text? If they didn’t explicitly say a thing, then surely it’s not there. If it wasn’t a major point of the movie then surely it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I, and I alone, was not harmed by anything that could possibly have a deeper meaning I’m not seeing, so I’m going to say anyone who thought too much about this is being ridiculous. It’s a movie, who the fuck cares, don’t think too hard about it and just enjoy yourself.

That’s one way I see this message. That critical thought should not be put into a piece of media, even if that media is vastly influential and reaches millions of people. That subtext actually has no meaning and symbolism that isn’t explicitly stated can not be found in anything by anybody. But it’s okay if the movie was fun.

or

b) That authorial intent trumps any and all other interpretations of a piece of media. That if the intention of something being there wasn’t in the creation of the piece than it’s not there. I’m not going to get into this debate. Here is a video about authorial intent, and specifically so in the case of JK Rowling by Sarah Z. However, the short of it is that because authorial intent is the only way a piece of art should be viewed no one can have their own interpretations of a piece of media. Anyone with differing life experiences, and therefore perspectives on a given work, are invalid because their interpretation is not what was considered when creating the work.

Further, in regards specifically to the movie, who is to say what is a small component of it? Just because you don’t think something is important, doesn’t mean that it isn’t to me. Just because your priority in the movie going experience may be overall plot (which in my opinion was rushed) or visuals or what have you, isn’t my priority in what makes a movie good for me. Don’t get me wrong, I still like visuals, I still want a good plot, but that’s not the be all end all. 

What makes a movie good for me are the characters, their dynamics, coherence with the larger universe. So when something happens to a character I care highly about, like a kind Jewish woman in a loving relationship, turns out to not only drug her boyfriend to entrap him in a marriage he said he didn’t want (perpetuating a long standing stereotype of Jewish woman, of which I am), and then have her join literal magic Hitler, it’s going to have a big impact on my viewing of this movie. It’s not just a small thing to me being blown out of context. It is a major component of the movie to me. You may not care about this character, you may not place importance on her well being as a contingent to your enjoyment of this film, but I do. Seeing characters being badly written and needlessly killed (Queenie and Leta respectively) have a major impact on how I view a film because that’s what I think about when I consider if I liked the movie.

This doesn’t even mention the myriad of other things that I am mad about. The pacing of this movie was bad. It was rushed and the transitions left me confused multiple times throughout the movie to the point it took me out of the world. Other things that were just bad include: ignoring universe lore/canon, ignoring the established timeline, having characters serve no purpose other than just being there, having plot lines that didn’t go anywhere, and so on.

Further my main points of contention that I mentioned are not out of context? Where did you even get that idea from? Here they are:

1. Queenie gave Jacob a love potion because he didn’t want to get married and she did. This is explicitly said to be the reason why she drugged him and is the issue of their marriage is a big argument between them through the whole movie.

2. Queenie voluntarily joined with Grindlewald at the end of the movie. I won’t believe she was drugged until we get proof. Manipulated, perhaps, but out right drugged? I won’t say until it is confirmed. The point is she joined him willingly. And I am mad about that be cause of what we do know about the wider universe. We know that Queenie is Jewish and we know that Grindlewald worked with his non-magic counter part (Hitler) during WW2. It is not blowing anything out of context when I say that I am mad that a Jewish woman joins magic Hitler.

3. Leta’s death was meant to allow the boys to escape. However, when I say it was pointless, it was because there were other ways this could have happened. As I’ve already said they could apparate out. We saw others do it, and therefore so could they. We know the actual purpose of her death was literally to push Newt to the “right” side  and fight against Grindlewald. We know this because he explicitly said he was not going to choose a side, he maintained this stance until Grindlewald killed a person he cared about in front of him and he confirmed he was only now against Grindlewald. However, his not choosing a side was iffy writing at best but could easily have been done in other ways. I think it was poor writing on Newt that didn’t have him already against the giant racist but, again, his picking a side against magic nazis was already kinda ensured by him working for Dumbledore. All this with the added bonus of man pain that’s almost guaranteed all over the next movie with that parting line of Leta’s. Her death has become his motivating factor and that’s just a bad trope that could have been avoided.

4. Leta’s mother being kidnapped, raped, and then dying. Me stating it as such and then being mad about that isn’t out of context. Literally, that is what the characters said happened to her and I don’t like it. It was meant to be horrifying, it is horrifying, and it did not have to be that way. The poem prophecy or whatever I hear people saying, what about that? People do know JK wrote that as well? She could have shifted it anyway she wanted. The mother could have left voluntarily with Lestrange, and there could still be that drama with the older half brother and the prophecy. She didn’t need to be raped and kidnapped to keep that plot point. However, that was made pointless with the reveal of Corvus actually being dead anyways. I’m just saying.

5. The house elf thing. This I think may be the smallest thing that I blew up, but I do so because it was gross, like really really gross. Like I found it mind bogglingly gross and when we learned she was half elf it took me out of the movie world for like a solid half minute just thinking of all the implications. However, in context we met the half elf lady as the maid to the Lestranges, who, as a wealthy pureblood family defo keep house elves (which are canonically literal slaves). Like, it’s not a leap to say she is the product of one of the Lestranges raping a house elf and then kept in servitude as actual children of slaves were in the past. That “maid” was just a nicer way of saying slave. This bit did not need to be in there but it was, and it’s gross.

6. I’m not going to touch the Credence backstory thing. In the film he joined Grindlewald because he wanted to “know who he was” or whatever. But everything leading up to it and the reveal after it makes no god damned sense. Grindlewald is still going to use him though, just like he planned to do through the first movie. Grindlewald literally just wants an obscurus to cause havoc and doesn’t give an actual shit about the actual person and Credence just goes along with it. Doesn’t matter that Credence didn’t want to be a monster, doesn’t matter that he just wants someone to love him, he’s gonna go become what everyone already feared him for because Grindlewald said he’s a Dumbledore, even though that’s impossible and makes no sense. Whatever, no big deal.

I believe I hit up all my main points of initial anger again. I hope that clarified.

TLDR: 

Nonny, I did not go into this movie wanting to hate it. I absolutely adore this universe and I was halfway in love with Newt Scamander for the longest time. I love this world and I love these characters. However, that does not stop me from critically thinking about a piece of media that is put in front of me. 

When I say that this movie was bad, it’s not because I actively wanted it to be bad. I did not waste my time, money, and cosplay effort so I could go bitch online after the fact. I say it’s bad because it was bad. I was deeply offended, disturbed and disappointed with how this movie was handled and the implications of many of the creative choices made. 

You and I may have different standards to what makes a good movie, we may have different triggers to what makes us mad, and you know what? That’s fine. You can enjoy this movie all you want, and I don’t hold that against you. You have the right to interpret this movie however you damned well please, but so do I and I think it’s trash.

[bichhebetalkin]

I’d like to talk about Nathan Drake and how I think he’s gay (and other things)

I will preface this with the fact that I have not yet played Lost legacy (and I’m not likely to play golden abyss...), and I also have not interacted much with interviews/fan theories/fan analyzations or anything like that. I’m kinda just typing my opinions out. I’ve just played the four games and thought about it a lot. 

I would love it for people to interact and respond-- I’d love some second opinions on anything I post. This post won’t get graphic, but it will mention inner turmoil and canon-typical violence. (and like, I’m talking about the marriage a bit too)

1823 words 

“I learned the past is not the past, a lump of time you can quarantine and forget about, but a reel of film in your brain that keeps rolling, spooling and unspooling itself regardless of whether or not you are watching it.”

--Nick White How to Survive a Summer

First of all

This is just my homely opinion, but in the first Uncharted game, Nathan Drake is some kind of a douche. Uncharted 2 is such an upgrade in several ways, and that includes an upgrade in Nathan’s character. I won’t rant too long, but I am certainly glad they fixed all that. Drake was an asshole who only cared for treasure, and he barely even flinched at Sully’s death and was ready to “beat sully’s ass” upon rescuing him. But whatevs, I won’t criticize too much since it was the first game and they might not have had the characters pinned down yet. A rough start to one of my favorite game series, and one that I will pretty much disregard in this post. If this seems harsh... I’m sorry. 

The Marriage between Elena and Nathan

We should all rename Uncharted Everyone is a dick to Nathan and Nathan is sometimes a dick to Elena

If you’re into mystic messenger and you read my only other post on this blog, you’ll know that I have... a couple thoughts on love and what it all means anyway. I want to start this off by saying I love both Nathan and Elena very much! They are truly great characters that I admire and adore. Despite this, their relationship just isn’t something I can believe in. A lot of their relationship progress is done in between games, which kinda makes the audience a little unable to gauge like, what the fuck is going on. 

somewhere between Game one and two, the pair is dating. By the time we get to Uncharted 2, though, it’s clearly and on-again-off-again kinda thing. We also meet Chloe, Nathan’s.... pal from the past (?). He risks a lot to save her, but I get the impression that the feelings he had for her were not as serious as the ones he has for Elena. I know it was supposed to be presented as a love triangle, but it just didn’t feel like it. Nathan and Chloe both kinda seemed like they weren’t at all interested in pursuing each other seriously. I honestly kind of appreciated this; Instead of the cliche fight between the women, Elena and Chloe seemed to get along in the end, despite some tension. 

Between the second game and the third game Elena and Nathan got married (1)(wait what?) and split up again. I don’t know if they were actually divorced or just separated, but the point is that they aren’t together by the time the third game begins. Finally, between the third game and the fourth game, They are living the domestic lifestyle. They both have legal jobs where they don’t have to kill anyone and they can make it home for dinner. Seems perfect.

Or at least, it would seem perfect if I thought it would last at all. Nathan hasn’t really had a significant relationship with any woman like. ever? (2). On-again-off-again means that they have to go off again at some point. If you pay some attention to dialogue it’s obvious that it’s Nate that breaks it off each time, or he at least he initiates it. When he lies to Elena in the fourth game, she admits that she almost didn’t come to save him. I have a shit ton of empathy and let me tell you that dynamic drove me buckwild I almost couldn't stand it. When Elena confronts Nathan in the hotel room and Nathan sent both Elena and sully away, I wanted to scream. (3) (what are you doing Nate these people love you)

It is also in this scene that we are reminded that Elena doesn’t know about Sam-- at all. That is... an insanely huge part of Nathan’s past, and he just never brought it up? Do they talk about anything at all? For many of Nathan’s formative years, he had to lie about his identity (and likely other things), so I get why Lying would be a tough-to-break habit for him, but Elena is his wife. Just how well do they know each other?

The on-again-off-again dynamic is not stable enough for a serious relationship, and certainly not a marriage (4). And like I said earlier, Nathan is the initiator in the break offs each time. What is he running from? A very supportive wife? I think it’s more than that.  From an outside viewpoint, Elena seems like... the perfect wife for Nate. She is supportive and she’s pretty much ready for action. But for some reason, Nate wants to leave her out of his adventures (5). I don’t think Nathan dislikes Elena; I think Nathan just isn’t romantically interested in her. Trying to force himself into a marriage because he knows that’s what charming guys such as himself are supposed to do, right? (6) Him forcing himself into a relationship he doesn’t want would make sense for him to feel a lot of disconnect. He spends a lot of time trying to get away, not because he truly dislikes Elena as a person, but because he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t feel as into her as he thinks he should (that sentence was a mouthful). 

I will say that, as a story, uncharted has been pretty mean to Elena. It is a story so thats not problematic or anything, but I do hope she can find what she needs. She needs someone to support her as much as she will support them, and she needs someone who will offer some stability. She likes Nathan, but he isn’t very suited to the life she wants/ 

Nathan Drake a Psychopath?

Yeah, I get it. Nathan kills hundreds or thousands of people and he doesn’t even feel bad about it, which might make him a psychopath which might explain his  behavior. I have some groundbreaking information to explain how he kills so many people without the guilt crushing him and that is that... this is a bideo game. bidya games be like “kill people” and you just do it. Nathan Drake could certainly have some mental health issues, but I don’t think the combat portion of the games should be considered when evaluating his health. His character as it is written has empathy, even going as far as attempting to save Marlowe in the third game. Combat is just expected in games. Although it might have been neato dorito if the game got into how Nate was coping with all that killing, I think we can just say “its bidya games” and move on. 

Dad? Papa? Father??

I already hate this section of the post, but If I was (shitty bitch) Freud I would point out the fact that Nathan uh Defo has some mom/dad issues, and suddenly the Beautiful, capable, caring, morally gray Victor Sullivan swoops in to be Nate’s New Dad ™ and it would be normal for Nathan to have some weird feelings for Sully. But whatever that’s just Freud's take on the matter (although I won’t deny that the Drake’s prolly got parent issues). moving on. 

Internal Turmoil

Nathan Drake throws himself in fatal danger and puts himself in incredibly difficult situations that have a tendency to just get worse. And he keeps doing this. This alone looks like a man just wracked with internal conflict. It would make sense for him to go on these physically taxing expeditions for treasure if he was insecure in his sexuality. Why would Nathan Drake be insecure though?  He’s charming, smart, strong, handsome, and funny. It’s not like he has to beg to get laid. He has no reason to feel this insecurity-- unless it was men he was interested in, not women. 

I don’t think It would be a stretch to suggest that Nathan “I never had any parents, really” Drake would have some troubles with learning how to navigate his own emotions. By the time he meets Dad Replacement 6000 (aka Sully), Nathan is already like, 15. That boy needed a parent years ago. 

When Uncharted introduces Chloe to us in the second game, Nathan really just doesn’t seem to be into her. The scene in the hotel-- he was just kinda going along with it. He “kinda goes along with” a lot of stuff. To me, he seems like someone insecure, not only in his sexuality but also his ability to make choices for himself. When a woman makes a move on him, he just kinda... goes with it. Elena comes back for him even though he breaks it off repeatedly. I’m sure to him this is the support he desperately needs. So logically he should reward her with uhhhhhh marriage? 

Harry Flynn

yeah he’s a bastard but don't even act like this scene didn’t have some gay subtext  “buy me a drink, sailor!” that's flirting babes. Nathan was so happy to see Flynn. 

Cassie Drake

whether Nathan is gay or not-- I still don’t believe in his marriage to Elena. I really love that Naughty Dog stuffed uncharted 4 with as many ladies as possible-- all the way down to Nathan’s sweet daughter. But seriously I hope Cassie’s upbringing is as cushy as it seems. Like I hope her parents are stable enough. 

But also like I have so many mixed feelings about her existence. Kids aren’t relationship bandaids (... or at least they shouldn’t be). 

I still have a lot I want to say about Nathan Drake (esp when thinking about Sam). The Uncharted Series has really done a lot to subvert some tropes in the adventure-type genre (imo anyway). And I’m not gonna scream and yell. I just think there's a lot of evidence to support Gay Nathan Drake. Of course, This could legitimately all be projecting. I love Nathan’s Character a ton!  

I wrote this all in one setting, so if it’s badly written or repetitive or.... whatever, please forgive me. I’d love some interaction! tell me what you’re thinking! 

1) are they married or engaged? I can’t remember....

2)that we know of blah blah

3) I might be being a bit too impassioned 

4) I’ve been rewatching Bojack so I am reminded of the bojack/pc dynamic (although its not a perfect parallel by any means), and in the show it’s clear to anyone that while bj and pc depend on each other, the game they are playing isn’t good for either of them (esp not for pc). Elena and Nathan can harbor affection for each other all they want-- but Elena can’t do this anymore. 

5) “wuh wuh he’s protecting her” im sorry but that’s bullshit-- she can hold her own, and he’s pretty quick to come to terms with her tagging along when she pops up each game. 

6)IT’S POSSIBLE that i’m just projecting and i just wish he was gay, but like, seriousliy? sersreoopsily? I have at least SOME support for my claims.