#curious george - go west go wild

[lockwccdandco]

rpcdev trick or treat - day 3

"Oh, well, this is just LOVELY. How very romantic of Lockwood to bring you here of all places. Are we going for a picnic?"

"Shut up! This is a job, not a social outing!" Lucy snaps quietly, giving the rucksack on her back a firm shake. She isn't interested in the Skull's commentary on the location. The path they're following isn't easy to keep track of and every half formed corner seems the same as every other. How Lockwood seems to know exactly where he's going is infuriating. Well, maybe he's just making it up. 

"No? Then why have you packed more than your usual amount of sandwiches and tea? And biscuits. You know, they're all right in here with me, I can see them..."

"I said, shut up!" Lucy huffs, ignoring the curious look George shoots her over his shoulder.

"Skull again?" he asks quietly, his inattention to where he was going causing him to almost immediately trip over a snarl of overgrown fern laying across the path.

Snorting inelegantly, Lucy reaches forward and grabs his shoulder, helping to steady him. "Yeah... he's in fine form tonight despite the fact that he KNOWS we're trying to concentrate on this job." Huffing quietly as she hauls George back onto the path, Lucy shakes her head as she steps over the same fern with ease. 

“Everything all right back there?” 

Lockwood’s voice cuts through the moment, snapping Lucy’s attention back to the job at hand. “Yes. Fine,” she replies quickly, straightening slightly as the sound of echoing snickers come from the rucksack weighing down on her shoulders. “We are… actually going to find a place, right? This isn’t just some… wild goose chase, is it? You DO know where you’re going?”

“Of course! Why would you think otherwise? I– uh… no, it’s this way…” 

The abrupt turn from what could have been a path and what could have been a deer run or just simply a space between a couple of the trees does… not inspire much confidence. Nor does it help the looming dread starting to make her heart skip about. There’s no way there’s an actual job all the way out here in the middle of nowhere. That or Lockwood has gotten them irreparably lost. Either option doesn’t bode well as the already dark forest path grows dimmer. A quick glance at her watch tells Lucy that the sun is likely beginning to set. 

“I told him three times on the way out here… you tell him, then.”

George’s voice cuts through the spiraling her mind has started and snaps Lucy back to the moment. She’s about to make a retort when her own feet tangle up in something and send her careening off balance. Thankfully… or perhaps not so thankfully, right into George. It does keep her from falling entirely, though it leaves her clinging to him like some sort of damsel in distress on the covers of the trashy novels her mother always used to read. She very purposefully ignores the titters of pure mirth coming from her rucksack as she straightens and pushes her hair back from her face. Clearing her throat, Lucy lifts her chin almost defiantly, though even she can’t say what she’s in defiance OF, per se. Stepping forward, she takes longer strides to catch up with the lanky form of their leader as he pokes his way through the tangle of brush.

“Lockwood. You’ve gotten us lost, haven’t you?”

“No.” He looks at her, but then quickly glances away again upon seeing the accusatory stare. “Yes.”

“You said it was a shortcut!”

“Yes, well… it is… see how quickly we got lost?”

He flashes her that winning smile, but its usual effects are significantly dampened by the chill creeping into the air as things start taking on a grey hue in the fading light. “George… I don’t suppose you thought to bring a compass? Or anything… like that?”

“Lucky for you, I did. Because if I hadn’t, I reckon the look Lucy’s giving you would be enough to kill you. We’ve been traveling North-North-West for at least twenty minutes. I reckon I can get us back to the road, at least.”

“Yes. Good. Let’s… find the road and get our bearings. That will sort us.”

“Don’t act like you have any idea what you’re doing out here, charging into… what did you call it? A small stand of trees on the edge of the property? Come on and sit down, if we’re going to be hiking another twenty minutes just to find the road, we might as well have a biscuit first. Keep our energy up.” Sighing softly, Lucy swings her rucksack down and fishes out the extra biscuits and spare thermos to pour them each a small cup of tea, passing them around easily.

“You packed… extra? Luce, you’re—”

“Shut up, you’re still in trouble for this mess.”

[makaientjluvdaprince]

I just watched Curious George: Go West, Go Wild (2020)

[emetophobiahelp]

Curious George: Go West Go Wild (2020 Peacock original movie)

Curious George: Go West Go Wild (2020 Peacock original movie) is Safe. Note: There is a reoccurring joke with a lama who spits on people. The spit is visible with a patooie sound, but not very gross.

[thatboomerkid]

SpellJammer: Shadow of the Spider-Moon

Player’s Packet (ver 1.3)

for use with the First Edition Pathfinder Role-Playing Game

by Clinton J. Boomer

with special thanks to Andy Collins, Scott Schomburg, Chloe Michelle, Dennis Detwiller, David Gerrold, and George Loki Williams

additional campaign materials may be found here

The broad theme of the campaign is simple: “outsiders — criminals, rejects, freedom fighters, the lost, the abandoned, the desperate, and the mad — go balls-out, nothing to lose, against corrupt authority and nightmare monsters, surviving on the razor’s edge of the known & the unknown”.

It’s meant to have one foot in Serenity/Firefly, one foot in Pirates of the Caribbean, one foot in Guardians of the Galaxy, yet another foot in Princess Bride, plus little dashes of steampunk / dieselpunk pulp-action high-fantasy on top: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Giant Robo: The Day the Earth Stood Still, Aliens, Lupin III: The Castle of Cagliostro, The Mummy, The Fifth Element, The Rocketeer, and/or Big Trouble in Little China

RACES

Dwarf: a scattered people born of Moradin’s Forge*, 80% of whom now exist solely as slaves beneath the whip and bootheel of the illithid and their grotesque creations. Dwarves in captivity are stripped of their names, titles, and family lineage; for this reason, free dwarves often cover themselves in dense tattoos, transformed into living repositories of their clan history. Dwarves no longer have a homeland but make small communities on Fenris, the Crown-Moons of Garl, Gelth, and Callarduran, and across the Chain of Tears (especially the city of Discord).

For human occupants of Pyrespace, the illithid invasion – which the Church of Yondalla officially denies occurring, under pain of incarceration, transportation, and excommunication – happened ten years ago: half a generation past, when the very youngest of human spacehands were still in diapers.

For dwarves, it happened approximately last Tuesday.

Shepard Book, Zoe Washburne, and Drax the Destroyer are good examples of dwarves.

*NOTE: The Church of Yondalla, which does not recognize the divinity of Moradin, refers to the dwarven home-world instead simply as ‘the Adamant Forge’ in all official documentation.

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Elf: an elegant race in slow decline, born of Perianth, still recovering from the Unseelie War that split and decimated the species a millennium ago. For the elves, long-lived as they are, the wound is still very fresh: fewer than seven generations have passed since the end of the war, after all (for a human, this is perhaps comparable to a tragedy that occurred less than a century and a half ago).

Elves consume food, water, and air as Small-size creatures. Drow are a playable race, although they suffer a great deal of distrust from everyone … including other drow.

Inara, Simon Tam, River Tam, the Operative, Nebula, and Gamora are good examples of elves.

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Gnome: engineers and technologists born from the Circle of Gold, greatest moon of the Crown of Sapphire, now scraping-by on the Crown’s remaining moons and across the Chain of Tears: the devastated shards of their destroyed home-world, shattered two-and-a-quarter centuries ago.

Like the elves, of course, gnomes are fantastically long-lived: the very eldest gnomes can recall the true glory of their home world, seen with their own eyes; some of the most ancient were already well into their venerable years, over two and a half centuries old, at the time of the cataclysm. Even for the very youngest of gnomes, those who have never known a home-world other than the Chain of Tears, only about three generations have passed since the destruction of that moon (in terms that a human might understand, this is perhaps similar to an event that occurred 60-70 years ago).

Gnomes may choose to gain +2 Intelligence in place of their standard +2 Charisma; most have the Gear Gnome subtype. Nearly half of all gnomish pregnancies result in twins, and triplets are as common among gnomes as twins are among humans.

Kaylee Frye, Niska, Hoban ‘Wash’ Washburne, Rocket Racoon, Miracle Max (from Princess Bride), and Twigg (from Pirates of the Caribbean) are good examples of gnomes.

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Hin: Undisputed rulers of Quelya above the waves, thanks much to their ingenuity in social organization & their bountiful harvests even in the most barren of lands. The vast monotheistic religion of the Hin offers prayers to Yondalla and to her Saints, including Davian and Asmodeus; all Hin estates contain a shrine to Yondalla. The priests and nuns of the Church may not marry, though their laity is expected to produce many, many children. Status within the Church is of paramount importance for all Hin; donations to the church can buy writs of indulgence, favorable legal judgment, and even sainthood.

Lord Beckett, Governor Swann, Elizabeth Swan, Captain Barbossa, and Commodore Norrington (from Pirates of the Caribbean), Badger (from Firefly), Buttercup, Prince Humperdink, Count Rugen, Vizzini (from Princess Bride), and the Collector and Grandmaster (from Guardians of the Galaxy) are all good examples of Hin.

A BRIEF NOTE ON HIN NAMING-CONVENTIONS

Hin identify, for the most part, as members of the Church of Yondalla first, as part of a culture second, and as citizens of a nation third.

Thus, a Hin living in Arvoreen, Beshaba, or Brandobaris can be expected to have an Arvorean, Beshabite, or Brandobarin name. However, a Hin living far away from the shores of Green Fields -- in Cyrrollalee or in Urogolan, for example -- with always retain a “proper” Arvorean, Beshabite, or Brandobarin name.

Hin with Urogalandic names, simply put, do not exist.

“Invented” Hin names, which are relatively common everywhere except on Quelya, are the major exception to this general rule: occasionally, a young Hin living off-world will choose to reinvent himself -- and, thus, rename himself -- often, but not always, as a means to get out from under the thumb of a particularly oppressive (or shameful) family. 

Venturing forth into the unknown without the benefit of a longstanding lineage is, in fact, a tradition among Hin significantly older than modern Arvorean or Brandobarin society.

As such, a young Hin in Lagas going by the name of “Morgan Drake,” “John Smith,” “Alastair Chapman,” or “Sebastian West” -- for example -- might be looked down upon as a probable criminal or even as a pirate ... but on Ashen, Verdura, or out on the Chain of Tears, such an individual is likely to earn a mark of respect from all but the most conservative and close-minded of Hin.

Invented Hin Male Names: Thomas, Morgan, Smith, Hunter, John, Price, Bennet, Chapman, West, Tanner, Spencer, Walker, Jackson, Clarke, Parker, Mason, Drake, Corbyn, Everett, Garret, Simon, Alastair, Sebastian, Elliot, Fletcher, Graham, Ethan, Oliver, Felix, Callumn, Stanley, Richmond, Lennox, Ford, Jensen, Gabriel, March, Ellis, Wellington, Reginald, Chesterton, Alex, Solomon, Carter

Invented Hin Female Names: Beatrix, Cressida, Gemma, Joclyn, Scarlett, Elizabeth, Rhonwen, Maisie, Isla, Kaitlyn, Briony, Jane, Charlotte, Adalaide, Ivy, Gwendolyn, Kenzie, Finlay, Audren, Haley, Theodora, Abigail

Invented Hin Last Names: (any invented Hin male first name)

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Human: Humans come in many different colors, in many different sizes, and worship many, many gods – usually in the guise of Yondallan saints. Most humans pay at least some lip service to St. Davian, the great champion of Yondalla (who intercedes to deliver the prayers of humans to Yondalla), but humans very often also worship older, more-private familial gods. Humans may not, of course, marry into Hin families nor join in any Hin merchant house as a full partner; the best that a human can hope for, in many cases, is to be a servant remembered fondly by the children of the family he serves.

This, of course, leaves humans permanently at the bottom of the Quelyan (and thereby system-wide) economic food chain.

It is accepted fact, by those who study the pre-history of Pyrespace, that humans were once scattered across the system for unknown purposes and by unknown means, presumably at the whim of the mysterious Precursors. For this reason, the Church of Yondalla is active in seeking-out lost civilizations of humans who have spent unknown centuries far from the light of Yondalla’s mercy.

Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Captain Jack Sparrow, Westley the Farm-Boy, and Peter Quill are good examples of humans.

HUMAN OFFSHOOTS:

al’Zihad: Despite their bizarre appearances and hostile overtures, it is passionately believed that the curious ifrit, oread, sylph, suli, and undine populations native to Ashen were once human: servants of the Precursors adapted over the course of centuries to their alien environment. It is because of this belief that the Church of Yondalla has extended such a warm and generous offer of camaraderie to the “native” al’Zihad population, hoping to reintroduce them to their divinely ordained role as servants … this time, to the Hin.

Aasimar: Human families who commit themselves to the performance of good works in the name of Yondalla occasionally produce an angel-blooded or archon-blooded heir: born to serve the Church as beatific instruments of peace.

Dhampir: Some human children born beneath the Spider-Moon, along the Chain of Tears, or in the wilds of Fenris are infused with strange energies of death-magic. These children are claimed by the Church, for their own protection.

Fetchling: A strange subspecies of human – thought to originally hail from the lost forest-moon of Baervan (circling the Crown of Sapphire), infused with energies from the forbidden Library of the Eremite – these creatures are kept secret by the Church of Yondalla.

Ganzi: The children of humans exposed over-long to the energies of the Crown of Sapphire have been known to exhibit bizarre mutations; such creatures are taken-in by the Church of Yondalla to be kept safe.

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Half-Elf: Increasingly common throughout the system, originally the products of union between a male elf and female human: while elven females will often take human lovers, both male and female, pregnancies resulting from such unions are unknown: elven women must maintain a strict, meditative state of concentration to actually achieve pregnancy. As such, accidental fertilization is impossible, and even the act of impregnation is discomforting enough that no elven female would perform the act without sound – usually political – reason.

Elven men, therefore, are often shocked to discover that a brief rendezvous with a human woman has produced a bastard child.

Half-elves now breed true and have formed small communities in larger cities like Discord, Zionil, Dallah, and Lagas. Half-elves have no place within Elven society and possess little group unity.

Will Turner (from Pirates of the Caribbean) and Inigo Montoya are good examples of Half-Elves.

Half-Orc: True orcs (and their off-shoot species, including ogres, goblins, and hobgoblins) are not born and possess no gender: they are fungal creatures that emerge fully-grown from vast, reeking pits. Humans exposed to this fungus occasionally produce half-orc offspring; half-orcs are most-commonly born from humans captured by the illithid and taken to Moradin’s Forge (where airborne spores of goblin-fungus are dangerously common).

Half-orcs are prized by the illithid as a more perfect slave-stock than dwarves, orcs, or other monstrous humanoids, and have escaped their bondage to breed true: the product of any mating involving half-orcs (human/half-orc or half-elf/half-orc) is nearly always half-orc: their bizarre, altered fungus-genome is nearly viral in this regard.

Populations of “native” half-orcs intermingle with “native” humans across the wastes of Fenris, representing – to the Church – peoples long separated from the light of Yondalla.

Jayne Cobb and Niska’s leg-breaker Crow (from Firefly), Fezzick (from Princess Bride), Yondu (from Guardians of the Galaxy), and Bo’sun (from Pirates of the Caribbean) are good examples of Half-Orcs.

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Kuru: A bizarre subspecies of island-dwelling human driven all-but-extinct by the combined might of the Arvorean navy and the Church of Yondalla; kuru who bend the knee to the Church and denounce the worship of Dagon are given the same rights as other human offshoots (which is to say, not very much and certainly not as much as main-bloodline humans).

Skintwister: A vanishingly small percentage of humans – when directly exposed to alien fauna and extreme environment – rapidly adapt at a cellular level, taking on the most useful traits of a local native animal species within a generation. Human families on Quelya occasionally produce shark-blooded skintwister, while humans on Verdura can produce bat-blooded, bird-of-prey blooded, boar-blooded, crocodile-blooded, or tiger-blooded offspring, and humans on Fenris can produce bear-blooded, bird-of-prey blooded, boar-blooded, rat-blooded, tiger-blooded, and wolf-blooded young. These ‘near-humans’ are much prized by the Church as useful resources.

Tiefling: Human families who commit wicked deeds, marking themselves for eternal punishment in the bowels of Hell, occasionally produce a devil-blooded heir: born to serve the Church as weapons of war. In addition to the devil-spawn tieflings recognized by the Church of Yondalla, demon-spawn tieflings occasionally appear among the hinen (human servants) of Perianth; kyton-spawn appear among those humans on the Chain of Tears who venture too close to the forest-moon of Baervan, and rakshasa-spawn appear with alarming frequency among those humans assigned to toil the plantation-fields of Verdura.

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Warforged: Creations of the gnomes, the original warforged were long ago the original deciding factor in the wars against the ysoki. Redesigned in later centuries to act as adaptable, dependable assistants for gnomes, including the best possible defense against Hive (and later, illithid) incursions into gnome-space, the warforged were manufactured in the tens of millions.

All warforged, under the dictates of the Church of Yondalla, are property: they do not, and cannot, possess souls.

Each warforged is “born” from a generation creche; not a single such creche is known to have survived the destruction of the Circle of Gold (the gnomish home-world), and the technology to repair or re-fire a damaged creche – if one could even be found! – is utterly lost. For this reason, warforged are no longer treated as the expendable resource they were in the days of the Rat-Slaughter or the Hive Marches.

Data (Star Trek), C3-PO (Star Wars), the T-800 (Terminator), K2-SO (Rogue One), Baymax (Big Hero 6), David (Prometheus), Cameron (Terminator: the Sarah Conner Chronicles), Bishop (Aliens), GLaDOS (Portal), Wall-E, and the Iron Giant are all good examples of possible warforged archetypes, but many other interpretations are possible.

image from here

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Others:

In addition to the major races and civilizations of the system, two dozen or more other sapient species make their homes across Pyrespace.

Inhabitants of Ashen:

Kasatha: Swift and dangerous hunters adapted for the open desert, a rare few kasatha have left the holdings of their clans to seek bounty beyond their world.

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Inhabitants of Verdura:

A huge number of native species make the wilds of Verdura their home, many of them armed with Precursor technology and decidedly hostile to strangers. Among them are the Catfolk (lion, tiger, jaguar, leopard, cheetah, puma), Giff, Ghoran, Gnoll, Grippli, Kobold, Lizardfolk, Nagaji, Orang-Pendak, Reptoid, Tengu, Vanara, Vishkanya, and Wyvaran.

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Inhabitants of Quelya:

Gargoyle: A strange species of living stone that laired near – and among – the Urogalandic people for unknown millennia, gargoyles struck a deal with the Church of Yondalla during the Siege of Mordheim to assure their own survival; now, more than four centuries later, these hulking devils serve the Hin as bodyguards, elite scouts, heavy infantry, and unstoppable delivery-mechanisms.

Locathah: The curious and grotesque locathah – who are said to intermingle freely with the humans of many remote island communities – are treated with grave suspicion by the Church of Yondalla, as they often act as spies, seducers, and saboteurs for the cults of Dagon. The few locathah able to earn the trust of the Church are still watched closely for any sign of heresy.

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Inhabitants of Perianth:

Gathlain: In the deepest woodlands of Perianth, far from the oversight of Elven noble houses, the bizarre gathlain wander the twilight; these odd entities claim to originate from an “adjacent” reality, one to which the doors have been shuttered.

The gathlain whisper that older, hungrier, and infinitely more powerful spirits of “the Forest Behind the Word” also lurk in the long shadows, slowly rebuilding their strength after a humiliating defeat -- and centuries of enslavement -- at the hands of a nameless elven witch-queen.

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Inhabitants of the Chain of Tears:

Ratfolk: Nearly exterminated a dozen times over by the warforged armies of the gnomes, with whom they once shared a home world, the ysoki are a cunning species of survivors who have adapted to life across the Chain of Tears with endless tenacity.

Goblin-Spore (SQ): Some percentage of ysoki are carriers for a curious strain of the goblin fungus (which births goblins, hobgoblins, orcs, and ogres) to which they alone are immune. 

These special ysoki gain low-light vision, are immune to disease and poison, and are treated as Plant creatures -- in addition to being treated as humanoids with the ratfolk subtype --  for the purposes of a ranger’s favored enemy, for bane weapons, for feats, and for purposes of spells such as antiplant shell and horrid wilting, and for all similar effects, although these ysoki do not gain any other normal immunities, benefits, or traits of a true Plant creature.

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Inhabitants of Fenris:

A fair number of native species make the wilds of Verdura their home, many of them armed with Precursor technology and decidedly hostile to strangers. Among them are the Catfolk (tigers and snow leopards), Kitsune, Syrinx, and Tengu.

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Inhabitants of the Adamant Forge

Duergar: engineered slaves of the illithid, built via a foul twisting of the dwarven genetic code, duergar are not a common sight anywhere in Pyrespace except, perhaps, in the company of their horrid masters. That said, some duergar -- such as those dwelling on the Forge-Moon of Duerra -- have shattered the chains of their bondage and now walk free.

Goblin, Hobgoblin, and Orc: various subspecies born of the same strange fungal blooms (all of which possess the Goblin Spore Special Quality, above), sapient members of these races are rare in the extreme. That said, it is not completely unknown for an individual goblin, hobgoblin, or orc to “wake up”: becoming something significantly more complex than a mere weapon of genocide and extermination.

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UNIQUE RACES: Verdura, Fenris, the Chain of Tears, several moons, and even the wilds of Quelya are doubtlessly home to additional sapient species, still as yet undiscovered.

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SETTING

The setting is a single solar-system, Pyrespace, with several major & minor worlds.

WORLDS & NATIONS The Pyre: an incalculably vast stellar engine of incandescent plasma; small dark shapes — rumored to be ancient artifacts of the long-vanished Precursors — orbit the star tightly, flickering low across the endless ocean of flame (burning at an average of 6,000 degree Kelvin), diving through 13,000-mile-tall solar flares that routinely reach 10-20 million Kelvin (up to 100 million); these eerie & barely-visible shapes, whatever they may be, are utterly inaccessible to any modern space-vessel.

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Ashen: A storm-wracked world of dust & salt drifting upon an ocean of vacuum, covered in an inhospitable white desert slashed-through with low, jagged, slate-grey mountain ranges; this world hides strange ruins & wondrous treasures of the Precursors beneath its oceans of dust; it is considered strategically valuable both for its rare natural resources; dotted with Hin refineries, forts, border towns, resupply depots, and mining operations; home to strange native populations of kasatha, alongside clans of ifrit, oread, sylph, suli and undine (collectively known as the al’Zihad), who claim to have come to Ashen while bound in the service of the Precursors: inscrutable masters who once dwelt in a mysterious city trapped deep within the Celestial Pearl.

Ashen has two moons:

Anachtyr the Shining: A blinding-bright tempest-world of endless, boiling amythest-hued ocean studded with towering fumarole-vents dozens of miles in height; mighty coils of eye-searing azure lightning leap eternally between titanic these waterspouts, and the steam of this roaring planetoid can be seen drifting into the void: a haze that glitters like diamonds.

Lessinor the Masked: A world of heavy fog, dripping rust, creaking black tourmaline, and unending gloom, mantled in long shadows which writhe with ancient echoes and whispers, it is said that visibility on this planetoid has a maximum of 100 feet. Vast keeps, palaces, and even lightless cities of cyclopean gold-draped skeleons have been reported dotting the curious surface, but not one has ever been found a second time.

Approximately 10% of Ashen is actively subject to mining, exploitation, extraction and terraforming operations.

Major Cities of Ashen:

Acheron: a dug-in black-site military base / fortress-city / arcane research facility controlled by the Hin nation of Brandobaris

Core: a city-sized, semi-mobile mining and oil-rig facility controlled by the Hin nation of Arvoreen; a joint project with gnome & warforged diaspora from the Chain

Salt Lake: a religious-outreach community controlled by the Church of Yondalla, which seeks to convert the native al’Zihad to the worship of the goddess; this is by far the largest city on Ashen, and the central hub for all rail-travel on the planet.

image from here

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Verdura: a world of shallow oceans, towering mountain peaks, massive waterfalls, sprawling cave-systems, boiling mud-flats, impossible plateaus, icy ravines, echoing jungles, smoldering volcanos, bewildering river-systems, ancient lost ruins, and — above all — rainforest seemingly without end; home to an uncountable number of near-human species all-but-universally hostile to outsiders, many of whom are armed with ancient Precursor tech.

Hin rubber plantations, lumber mills, exotic “safari” hunting lodges, and industrial logging-facilities are therefore sprawling, heavily-militarized affairs

Although it boasts no truly massive cities, Verdura is host to the Hin colony of New Arvoreen, the center of Covington Farms – soon to be the breadbasket of the Pyrespace system – and a mountain-set Brandobarin research-station known as Thaumir. In addition, a small community of gnome diaspora have established the technological-marvel nation of Markovia, named for its Founder, Monarch and Supreme Leader, Dr. Adlai Markovitch (and his three nieces).

image from here

The Three Moons of Verdura:

Tiamat: A darkly-glittering, iridescent jungle of venom and razor-sharp glass, a shimmering wilderness of fog-shrouded valleys, viridian mire, and steam-wreathed peaks laid beneath a sky of eternally wheeling stars. Home to many of the deadliest insects and reptiles in the system, this endless deep-emerald hell is yet rumored to contain that most fantastic of treasures: the legendary la fonte della giovinezza: a mystic source of endless youth and vitality, guarded by an ancient knight – Sir Azharul of the Thorns – devoted utterly to the service of Yondalla … and to the execution of all unworthy seekers.

Bahamut: A golden moon of shifting desert sand and sky-rending thunderstorms, of dark clouds howling over rain-spattered platinum dunes, this world is sacred to many of the reptilian monstrosities that lurk in the jungles of Verdura. Priests among these creatures claim that once, long ago, doorways opened from their sacrifice-sites to a huge city of bone, a fantastic place fed by the twin rivers Luar and Kath, ruled-over by a red-skinned, leviathan humanoid: a grotesque thing, serpent-like, with four eyes and four ears, that shot flames from its mouth when it spoke. No true evidence of this fabled city, said to lie “behind the east wind,” has yet been discovered.

Chronepsis: A small, silver-grey ice-moon, this airless and barren world is riddled with vast doorways, leading down into bone-white palaces of titanic, cyclopean design. What treasure might lie within these pleasure-halls is unknown, as few who have ventured beneath the surface have ever returned. It is sung, by the heretical faith of Dagon, that two great serpents lair here – named Null and Faluzure – and that these creatures know, between them, the fate of the dragons … and time of their return.

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Quelya: a world of archipelagos, reefs, marbled sand, dark cerulean waves, and tropical island chains boasting only a handful of sizable land masses, dominated by the Hin (halflings) and their servitor-race, humanity; the hungry, expansionist, colonial-minded nations of the Hin are united only by the rule of a massive corrupt Church and a single vast, hyper-complex monetary system; the planet boasts but a single continent — the Green Fields of Yondalla –  which are ruled-over by an ever-shifting array of Hin merchant-houses; in the furthest reaches of the world, shark skintwisters and locathah are rumored to bend the knee in loyalty to the strange and beautiful malenti, and to make horrid sacrifices to the coiling serpent Dagon.

HIN NATIONS / CITIES / HOLDINGS

Acheron: a Brandobarin military base / fortress-city / research base on Ashen

Arvoreen: an aggressive, militaristic nation noted for its perpetual war-footing, it maintains the finest navy in the system; the Arvorean Academy of War is famously egalitarian, admitting humans, half-elves, near-humans, and even warforged into its officer-training corps; national colors of red & gold.

Arvorean Male First Names: Alejandro, Fernando, Santiago, Antonio, Maceo, Francisco, Joaquin, Marco, Cristian, Javier, Rafael, Carlos

Arvorean Female First Names: Yamilet, Carmen, Valentina, Paloma, Lucia, Esmeralda, Alicia, Maria, Sofia, Luna, Catalina, Vida

Arvorean Last Names: García, Fernández, González, Rodríguez, López, Martínez, Sánchez, Pérez, Martín, Gómez, Ruiz, Hernández, Jiménez

Beshaba: The Hin holy city on the banks of the Rio Provendor (and its surrounding hills), most sacred site of Yondalla’s worship, currently self-ruled; the place where Gol-Kaa (the Last Human King of Beshaba) was slain by Saint Davian in single combat; national colors of white & sky blue.

Beshabite Male First Names: Dvir, Asaf, Asher, Elazar, Uriah, Reef, Aryah, Ofek, Yaheli, Arbel, Yinon, Idan

Beshabite Female First Names: Maayan, Danya, Liv, Shoshanna, Alean, Annael, Carmel, Eden, Avitel, Avia, Naama, Ofri

Beshabite Last Names: Ngaere, Zerbibi, Mishayev, Qablan, Magadla, Berdugo, Yayin, Sasi, Sharabani, Akiyva, Hagge, Siyvan, Tzviy

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Brandobaris: an elegant, cultured nation noted for its arts and refinement, it maintains the finest academies of learning – in alchemy, wizardry, engineering, medicine, mathematics, law, history, and space-flight – in the system; national colors bright yellow & light grey; home to the three bitterly warring institutes of higher learning:

Archives Timmestre-Falco: home of both the finest telescope array and most complete orrery in the system.

Sincomakti School of Sciences: known for the deep pockets of its alumni – for use in funding elaborate expeditions – and a particularly notorious library.

Universidad de Lepidottero: specialists in medicine, mathematics, and forensic investigation, on the cutting edge of xenobiology.

Brandobarin Male First Names: Luca, Filippo, Marco, Pietro, Giovanni, Nicolo, Davide, Diego, Giuseppe, Edoardo, Tommaso, Andreas , Cosimo, Lorenzo, Ottaviano

Brandobarin Female First Names: Chiara, Nicole, Ludovica, Gaia, Matilde, Vittoria, Francesca, Alessia, Camilla, Bianca, Arianna, Elena

Brandobarin Last Names: Rossi, Berlusconi, Ferrari, Brambilla, Ricci, Greco, Esposito, Marino, Bianchi, Morelli, D’Angelo, Piazza, Caputo

Chaldira: a massive mining-city on Fenris; although it is ostensibly self-ruled under the auspices of a gnomish coalition from the Chain of Tears, in practice the city bows to the “supervision” of a Brandobarin wizarding-circle. Core: a city-sized, semi-mobile mining and oil-rig facility on Ashen, controlled by the Arvorean armada; a joint project with gnome & warforged diaspora from the Chain. Cyrrollalee: former home of the last human king; an enormous, incredibly-fertile nation noted for its high population of humans (mostly farmers); rumors persist among the superstitious peasantry of “fairy circles” in the woods that lead to other realms; national colors of green & dark blue

Cyrrolaelan Male First Names: Odhran (Orin), Rory, Tadhg (Tag), Senan, Cathal (Kat-hal), Rodnan, Aodham (Aiden), Callum, Eion (Ow-en), Rian (Ree-an), Fionn (Finn), Cillian (Killian), Declan

Cyrrolaelan Female First Names: Aoife (ee-fa), Caoimhe (kwee-va or kee-va), Saoirse (seer-sha), Ciara (kay-ra), Niamh (neev), Roisin (ro-sheen), Cara (ca-ra), Clodagh (clo-da), Aine (on-yah), Aislinn (ash-lin), Alys, Avalon

Cyrrolaelan Last Names: Murchadha (Murphy), Ó Ceallaigh (Kelly), Ó Súilleabháin (O’Sullivan), Breathnach (Walsh), Ó Broin (Byrne), Ó Conchobhair (O’Conner), Ó Raghallaigh (O’Reilly), Ó Dubhghaill (O’Doyle), Mac Carthaigh (McCarthy), Ó Gallchobhair (Gallagher), Ó Cinnéide (Kennedy), Ó Muireadhaigh (Murray), Ó Cuinn (Quinn), Ó Mordha (Moore), Mac Lochlainn (McLoughlin)

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Dallah: a sin-soaked island city of gambling & revelry, part of the Tymoran island-chain; currently under self-rule; “national colors” of black & white Gixx: a floating city named for its watery host-moon, under Brandobarin control, orbiting the Crown of Sapphire Lagas: capital city of both Arvoreen and Brandobaris, existing along the border of both nations at the mouth of the Rio Provendor; a sacred city of the faith of Yondalla second only to the City & Lands of Beshaba

Important Sites in Lagas: The Rusted Sun Theatre, Parrish Place Bed & Breakfast, Café Molise, The Shuttered Door Academy

Important Hin residing in Lagas: Lord Mayor Emilio Dioceres, Archbishop Quirino Stephanos, Minister of Finance Alessio Villanova, Trade Minister Lazzaro Calistoga, Assistant Trade-Minister Dario Adalberto.

Moander: capital city of Cyrrollalee, built on the ruins of Dún Ailinne.

Mordheim: capital city of Urogolan, former home of “Uric, Last Human King of Urogolan”; this cold and half-tumbled fortress city, towering high above the treacherous stone of the Baía da Loucura, is choked in near-constant ice Perryroyal: massive island city at the far end of the Tymora island-chain that serves as the legendary “gateway to Xhiaae-La,” currently under the control of the Arvorean navy Salt Lake: a religious-outreach community on Ashen controlled by the Church of Yondalla, which seeks to convert the native al’Zihad to the worship of the goddess; this is by far the largest city on Ashen, and the central hub for all rail-travel on the planet Thaumir: a mountain-set Brandobarin research-station on Verdura Tymora: a particularly fertile chain of islands inhabited mostly by humans, currently ruled by the city of Dallah; the islands stretch from Lagas to Perryroyal.

Many traditional Tymoran names -- especailly those found in Dallah -- sound vaguely Greek to 21st-century human ears, but the islands are home to over 7,000 unique human cultures and no single list could possibly home to capure the length and breadth of the names used by Tymorans.

In addition, put bluntly, many people of the island chain simply do not think of themselves as “Tymoran,” but, rather, as members of a distinct culture under foreign occupation.

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Urogolan: grim, north-most Hin nation, noted for its vast mineral wealth, dense coniferous forests, fatalistic populace, and bleak weather; national colors of grey and black.

Urogalandic Male First Names: Ander, Hans, Johan, Ulf, Lars, Sven, Ivar, Leif (layf), Magnus, Ragnar, Sigurd (see-gurd), Herleif (her-leaf), Hjalmar (hyal-mahr), Njal (nj-al), Ødger (ed-ger), Roar (ruw-aar), Rune (ruw-n-eh), Sten (stehn), Trygve (trig-vah), Uhtred (oof-tred), gil (ee-yeh-gil), Einar (eye-nahr), Frey (fray), Geir (geyr), Gudbrand (good-brant), Gudmund (good-moond), Gunnar (guhn-nar), Hagen (hah-gen), Haldor (hahl-dawr), Halvar or Halvor (hahl-vahr), Jarl (yahr-al), Kåre (kehr), Aric (aar-ih-k), Arkyn (aar-khin), Brynjar (brin-yahr), Cuyler (kiel-ehr)

Urogalanadic Female First Names: Áma, Åse, Astra, Astrid, Borghild, Brynhild, Eir, Elli, Embla, Erica, Liva, Ragnfríðr, Revna, Rúna, Saga, Sigrid, Sif, Freya, Heidrun, Hildr, Hrefna, Hulda, Kara

Urogalandic Last Names: Any of the above Urogalandic male first names, with one of the following added to the end: sen, son, sson, søn, datter, dotter, or dottir

Xhiaae-La: legendary islands of gold & jade just beyond Tymora, source of human unarmed martial fighting techniques highly valued by Hin employers; currently under Brandobarin control

Xhiaae-Lan Male Names: Liang, Haoran, Zhen, Shufen, Ling, Lan, Kaihong, Taio, Shui, Qui, Jin, Chun, Ai, Bao

Xhiaae-Lan Female Names: Annchi, Baozhai, Changying, Chao-Xing, Chuntao, Da-Xia, Daiyu, Ehuang, Fenfang, Genji, Hu, Huian

Xhiaae-Lan Family Names: (spoken & written first) Shao, Long, Wàn, Zhāng, Qián, Tāng, Yǐn, Lí, Yì, Cháng, Wǔ, Qiáo, Lài, Gōng, Wén

Zuzadlara: an Arvorean military-base and floating “port city” on Perianth, established to assist Elven forces in maintaining peace across the system.

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Perianth: the elven home-world, a mist-wreathed, twilight-draped bioengineered “forest of prosperity” constructed by the Precursors via unknown means; the deep woodlands are said to hold terrifying gateways to other realms of existence; the courts of the elves are closed to outsiders, and non-elves are permitted access only to a vanishingly small number of sky-ports; the elves of both the Western Courts and Eastern Courts alike do a brisk trade in humans bought from the Hin, and some reports suggest that only 3% of the planetary population is actually elven.

Perianth is “ruled” by House Larethian, although the high throne of that House – that of the Phoenix Emperor (Western Court) or Moonlight Dragon (Eastern Court) – stands empty, as does the throne of his bride: Lolth, the Beautiful Eclipse (Western Court) or Lolth, the Crimson Empress (Eastern Court).

The favor of House Larethian is a currency traded by the other noble Houses; the Western Court name is given for each House first, followed by the Eastern Court name:

House Fleuris / House Kaika: painters, vintners, and rose-garden keepers.

House Sanglante / House Chimanire: the most-expert sword-smiths and sword-saints.

House Chanceux / House Kōun'na: Imperial record-keepers, known for their prodigious luck.

House Illustre / House Kagayakashī: the most beautiful and honorable house, known for their mastery of dance.

House Assombrir / House Kage-tsuki: the lowest of the noble houses, experts in medicine.

Perianth is not known to have any major cities, although each House maintains a number of holdings.

Western Court Male Names: Baillieu, Ménétries, Bachelot, Peletier, Bocuse, Marius, Théophile, Roland, Ancel, Thibaut, Sylvain, Médard, Chauve, Rémy, Maret

Western Court Female Names: Solène, Élisa, Émeline, Joséphine, Ameline, Neri, Mélanie, Coline, Émilienne, Iseult, Asselineau, Eulalie, Roxanne

Eastern Court Male Names: Hyotoki, Gatane, Yamitsu, Dainaga, Akihiko, Yori, Hideaki, Kazuhiro, Wantaro, Anoye, Gezushi, Sesuki, Teitada, Hiroaki, Noboru

Eastern Court Female Names: Haitsuke, Narino, Reinatsu, Maera, Benomi, Kohaku, Kayo, Miyako, Aya, Shizuka, Komina, Jionuye, Kakura, Amiri, Reiko, Yuki, Emi

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The Spider-Moon

The sole satellite of Perianth, a massive labyrinthine ruin to-which one third of the elves — the drow — were exiled long ago; the drow are no longer trapped beneath the surface of the Spider-Moon due to the hideous gifts of the illithid. This oversized nightmare realm is ruled by House Lolth and her loyalists: exiled members of all five noble Houses and their servants. This inhospitable world boasts only a single major trade-hub: the Dark City of Xogotha.

Any type of direct approach on the Spider Moon must find a way to navigate the tens of thousands of floating dead (and undead) – casualties of the Unseelie War – still drifting in orbit around the planetoid. For their part, the drow use this corpse-field as a blockade, employing necromancy to bypass the horror-show whenever necessary.

Drow names are identical to elven names.

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The Celestial Pearl: a mysterious planet-sized anomaly bearing what appears to be a perfectly smooth, bone-white surface: this ghostly pale sphere has no atmosphere and no magnetic field, no geographical features, no marks consistent with any meteoric impact, no evidence of historical habitation, a surface temperature of 3 Kelvin, and a core temperature zero Kelvin. The curious surface itself – which appears to be an impossibly-thin crystalline latticework of monomolecular razor-ribbons covered in a few drifting inches of ice-powder, white sand, ash, and stardust – cannot be landed-upon or even approached: weird, invisible, immovable “arches” — made of something harder than adamantium — protrude in a strange, coiling web of whorls into space, reaching up to 500 miles away from the surface.

Zionil: Largest space-station in the system, nearly a moon onto itself, this massive gnomish facility serves as an informal way-station -- a respected, nearly sacred neutral ground -- between the “inner worlds” of Ashen, Verdura, Quelya, and Perianth; and the “outer worlds”: the Crown of Sapphire and the Chain of Tears, Fenris, and Moradin’s Forge.

It also serves as the ultimate melting-pot of cultures across Pyrespace: here, humans dressed in fashionable gnomish top-hats & tails rub shoulders with dwarves travling to jobs on Ashen & half-orcs en route to Verdura.

Dominated by the enormous Cathedral of St. Deneir the Scribe and House of St. Mili, the Voice of Heaven, sprawling centers of worship for the Church of Yondalla, Zionil is also home to a huge Xhaaie-Lan population; the Lantan Shipyards are without a doubt the finest facilities in the system for the design & construction of Hin-built spelljamming vessels.

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The city is unofficially under the control of Baronet Giancarlo Lugocelli of Fenris, a devout human aristocrat admired across the system for his shrewd buisness accumen and unbridled civic spirit. 

This artificial moon also serves as home to The Thirteenth: an emergency garrison of specially-designed warforged kept in reserve to make a surgical-strike wherever the threat of Hive activity is detected outside the heavily quarantined moons of Segojan (Hive Colony Euclid), Baervan (Hive Colony Keter), Baravar (Hive Colony Thaumiel), and Urdlen (Hive Colony Apollyon); this force is led by Inquisitor Francesca DiAccursio of La Universidad de Lepidottero as part of a massive anti-xenos taskforce.

An increasing number of dwarves from Moradin’s Forge also now make a holy pilgrimage here to the Muamman Duathal: a library of dwarven law, history, technological innovation, achivement, literary scholarship, and art nearly the equal to the catacombs of lost Dugmaren.

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The Crown of Sapphire & the Chain of Tears: an enormous, shining, many-ringed cerulean gas-giant, host to a dozen moons (listed below) and the long trail of an asteroid belt which follows behind it; the Crown roars with low heat and mild radiation, serving as a “second sun” to the system. As to the means by which the Precursors performed this “stellar uplifting” and manipulated the interior of the Crown, it is impossible to say.

About 70% of the “chain” following behind the Crown was originally the home-world of the gnomes – once known as Kruug od Szlatta, or the ‘Circle of Gold’ – and their many miraculous inventions, which was shattered utterly as the result of a run-away hyper-energy reaction; big money can be made out here, sifting the clockwork wreckage and mining interplanetary debris for rarities; the finest technology in the known universe can be found here: powering the cities, foundries, refineries, sky-docks, casinos, space stations, laboratories, and bio-manufactora which float together in complex nets through the wild void.

Moons of the Sapphire Crown:

Garl: now the largest of the moons, a gem-studded planetoid home to a huge number of scattered mineral-mining operations, including Blistavo Zlatta: now the default capital-city of the gnome people, formerly known best as a decadent, lawless, off-world trade-hub town full of casinos, amusements, cunning illusions, and other cheap entertainments.

Gelth: second largest of the moons, a dark spheroid of endless seething lava-flats, smoldering radioactive pools, toxic black smoke, and jagged obsidian blades miles in height. Home to a small number of mining-colonies (which are outnumbered 10-1 by the destroyed remnants of exactly such facilities).

Callarduran: third largest of the moons, a place of icy-cold wind whistling through thousands of miles of smooth stone tunnels, home to the finest stone-crafting workshops in the system.

Flandal: a hot, near-barren planetoid rich in iron and a number of other valuable metals … but, very specifically, boasting neither water nor arable land. Successfully cleared of all Hive infection after the eradication of Hive Colony Nehemoth in 1463; classified as safe.

Gixx: a fog-shrouded shallow-sea water-world currently occupied by a floating Brandobarin city.

Segojan: a smog-shrouded death-world of fungus and alien monsters, home to Hive Colony Euclid.

Baervan: a lost moon, once a twilight forest-world, now home to Hive Colony Keter; also home to the mysterious, floating Library of the Eremite.

Baravar: a shadowy crystalline moon now home to Hive Colony Thaumiel.

Urdlen: home to nothing but an icy, red-tinged ocean that flows silently between towering black spires, this bleak world now plays host to Hive Colony Apollyon.

Gaerdal: a heavily fortified workshop-moon, now 99% destroyed; original “birthplace” of the warforged.

Nebelun: the still-smoldering remains of a desert laboratory-world, dotted with blackened pits connected by a vast webwork of now-shattered elevated railways.

Rupa u Beskonačnom (the Hole in the Infinite): although not a true moon, this small artificial wormhole drifts in orbit around the Crown of Sapphire, occasionally spiting-out weird horrible alien monsters: the nearby moons of Segojan (Hive Colony Euclid), Baervan (Hive Colony Keter), Baravar (Hive Colony Thaumiel), and Urdlen (Hive Colony Apollyon) are infected with a terrifying strain of bizarre alien life; the wormhole is currently orbited by a small armada of mysterious githyanki ships native to another solar system.

Major Cities of the Chain of Tears:

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Discord: The largest city adrift in the Chain is also the largest city system-wide; in terms of sheer population, only the holy city of Lagas on Quelya even comes close. Discord is a sprawling affair, composed of innumerable asteroids and earth-bergs lashed-together with sparking remnants from hundreds – if not thousands – of derelict and damaged SpellJamming vessels. Although the gnomish population of Discord is lightly smaller than that of Blistavo Zlatta, on Garl, gnomes and their warforged security units run much of the city: High Master Artificer Krenlin maintains strict order among the scoundrels, spacehands, and fortune-seekers … at least, in the neighborhoods capable of paying for his protection. The black markets of Discord’s underbelly are run by gangs of ysoki (ratfolk), dwarves, half-orcs, half-elves, more bizarre human-offshoots, locathah, kasatha, unique creatures from the wilds of Verdura and Fenris, and even drow. Significantly more uncommon are goblins, orcs, and ogres – ancient enemies of the dwarves – and Perianth-born elves; although Hin are occasionally spotted here, it’s incredibly rare to see one without an escort … such as a lumbering Church-sanctioned gargoyle or a heavily-armed mercenary crew.

Serenity: Known better by its inhabitants as ‘Scarcity,’ this ugly warren of trash and filth is – to those with the keen eyes to see it – a goldmine of opportunity. If the ysoki can lay claim to a home-world, this is it: the majority of the population here is ratfolk, and their laws guide the city … for good or for ill. Part of a dense asteroid-field known for dangerous gravitational eddies, the port of Serenity is a haven for pirates and criminals wanted in every other metropolis.

Linger: The last glorious remnants of the Circle of Gold are kept here, a city-sized museum dedicated to the memory of that devastated world, and to honoring the uncounted millions who perished in the flare of its destruction. It is a place of quiet luxury and high technology, where the very wealthiest of those who do business in Discord can pretend – if only for a few hours – that the Circle of Gold was never broken.

Gnomish Male Names: Andrija, Nikola, Luka, Marko, Aleksandr, Jovan, Nemanja, Matija, Miloje, Miroslav, Rodavan, Vlado, Zivko,

Gnomish Female Names: Aleksandra, Teodora, Jana, Katarina, Petra, Malina, Milena, Maja, Hana, Anja, Milica (miy-LIH-ts-a), Sara, Nina

Gnomish Last Names: Jovanović, Petrović, Nikolić, Marković, Đorđević, Stojanović, Ilić, Stanković, Pavlović, Milošević, Katić, Sinđelić, Nedić, Marić, Višnjić, Janjić, Sarić, Miličić, Milenić, Natalić, Zorić, Smiljić, Anđelić

Warforged Names: any; names of warforged are self-selected, are not derived from family, and may be drawn from any culture.

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Fenris: A frozen, rocky world of icebergs & fathomless oceans, mighty fjords, roaring hot springs, steaming river-valleys, shrieking tundra, rolling steppes, drifting ice-floes, frigid marshland, deep emerald forest, and seething volcanoes; it is “ruled-over” by a minority population of warring giants, who tear themselves fully-formed from the simmering ley-lines of the living planet; in their long shadow, bold survivors face the fierce wrath of endless winter; some clans scratch out a meager, subsistence-level hunter-gatherer existence, while others build great longhouses, fortresses, and onion-domed cathedrals of wood & stone, defying the giants; beneath the surface of the world, enchanted mechanical castles — home to slumbering vampire lords — wait in silence to be called-forth for the night-hunt.

Humans and half-orcs “native” to Fenris tend toward Cyrrolaelan and Urogalandic names, suggesting some truth to the legends of doorways in the deep woods leading between Quelya and Fenris.

The massive, smoldering, heavily-entrenched mining-city of Chaldira employs tens of thousands of workers, including innumerable indentured humans and near-humans imported from Quelya by the hundreds through the Church-sanctioned penal transportation program; most such workers are branded, upon arrival, to prevent their disappearance into the local human communities. Specialized squads of “workforce retention agents” operating under Brandobarin authority maintain an uneasy peace with nearby human enclaves … though both groups wisely fear the fury of giants, who on occasion choose to assault the veritable fortress of Chaldira seemingly out of pure malice.

Beyond humans, dwarves comprise the bulk of Chaldira’s employees; outright violence in the barracks between dwarves and their orc-blooded coworkers is frowned upon, punishable by both monetary fine and loss of privileges, but is still not uncommon. Gnomes, warforged, and even ratfolk form the Chain of Tears are also common sights, as are Hin mages and their gargoyle bodyguards, although the only thing rarer than a native of Verdura here is an elf.

For their own part, the native catfolk, kitsune, syrinx, and tengu give Chaldira a wide berth: the huge, heavily militarized mining-city has, for the most part, nothing to offer them.

Moons of Fenris

Bahgtru: A hot, dark, ash-swept landscape of dense black forests, broiling deserts, flinty badlands, murky rivers, and foreboding seas, all bearing the ravages of constant war waged beneath a coal-streaked and starless sky. A dozen or more major orc-blood nations vie for control of this resource-rich, twilight-lit world; the largest single military force – the Broken Skull Clan, led by a hulking creature called Moragrek – dominates less than 10% of the planetoid. In the deepest woodlands, orcs fly crude marrow-stained, gut-stitched banners above fallen towers still sparking with ancient Precursor-tech.

Ilneval: Floating mountains, coiling moebius-spiral waterfalls, serpentine valleys filled with boiling fog, forests of glass, a series of artificial rings, cities of broken fractal room-recursions, walking Precursor-tech “transport-facilities” the size of nations, and stranger landmarks dot this bizarre world. Worse still, the goblin-fungus of this moon has underdone a wild number of dangerous mutations, producing varieties of dangerous goblinoid entities unknown anywhere else in Pyrespace.

Luthic: A damp, echoing, rain-drenched world with a low-burning core, this windswept planetoid sees surprisingly few dangerous meteorological events – considering the near-constant cloud cover -- and features only very mild tectonic activity. As such, impossible caverns filled with warm mushroom forests abound, grazed-upon by bizarre, blind half-fungal elk. This world is by far the economically valuable of the Fenris-moons, a veritable goldmine for its Brandobarin investors; transportation to this moon is a sentence dreaded by every human living under the Church of Yondalla’s laws.

Obould: Miles upon miles of long-fallen ruins – twisting, elegant citadels of what appears to have been ancient elven construction – crisscross this rime-coated world, buried in miles upon miles of shattered ice; unfortunately, whatever strange process causes the planet Fenris to vomit-forth giants from its ley-lines is also active here: titans of frost wander the wastes, obedient to three mysterious warlords: the Shogun of Crimson Snowfall, the Shogun of the Endless Dark, and the Shogun of Winterblind.

Shargaas: High above the roiling toxic cloud-cover, cold mountain-peaks spill miles-long waterfalls from smoldering calderas; far below, falling ash and acidic sleet fall silently on the dark glass libraries of the Precursors. It is said that nothing moves here, in the realm of dead furnaces: a planetoid fallen to night. In the winding passages beneath the dormant facilities, however – the strange passages linking the long abandoned “colleges” of Hopelorn, Cold Fever, and the Citadel of Vanished Audience – somethingold and unclean can be heard clicking-away … hungry, and drawing ever closer.

Vaprak: Trolls are an infectious, predatory presence known across Pyrespace: Verdura, Tiamat, the forests of Cyrrollalee and Urogolan, the wooded isles of Tymora, the Crown-moon of Baervan, and upon most of the Fenris-moons & Forge-moons; in fact, it is believed (but not confirmed by the elves) that trolls may even be known in the wild places of Perianth. No place, however, can be said to have been conquered by the trolls like this horrid planetoid: an endless morass of sinking stonework and icy-cold swamp, a place of stench and the low whine of blood-mad insects.

Yurtrus: Miles below the Brandobarin military research-facility of Khin-Oin, a planet-sized city of war-ravaged, long-overgrown Precursor-tech glitters in the cold sunrise … while another neighborhood, connected by monorails that blur between districts faster than the speed of sound, shines like an ocean of light on the other side of nightfall. The city – nicknamed “Fleshslough” by the researchers who drift in orbit high above, perpetually examining the curious urban properties – is a vast thing of austere, ever-moving wonderment: whatever incurable, perversely-contagious disease hangs in the warm air reduces skin to boiling crimson horror in mere moments.

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Moradin’s Forge: this hyper-dense, heavily volcanic planet is just over half the size of Quelya, yet it commands a significantly more massive gravity well. Although it boasts a minimal surface atmosphere, it serves as the home world of dwarves, goblins, ogres, hobgoblins, and orcs; it is also the staging-ground for an illithid invasion-force with control over a supermassive wormhole situated somewhere beyond the edge of the known solar system; illithid forces include any number of alien monstrosities (many mutated or bio-manipulated by the illithid) stolen from a hundred different systems, of which orcs are the newest prize; 80% of all dwarves system-wide live in bondage beneath the heel of the illithid.

A single rebel city, secret in the extreme, is hidden in the shadows of otherwise-absolute illithid dominance: Veil, last hope of the Forge.

Dwarven Male First Names: Hakk, Osrick, Drok, Brut, Muls, Grold, Urbrik, Aandrak, Buulrol, Kigrer, Fraysik, Korvin, Vog, Bellbaarg

Dwarven Female First Names: Yorgwyn, Urgwan, Rren, Inngva, Kledgeg, Lonnvull, Urrgvi, Kalbri, Khora, Sro, Ohlih, Hyylkis, Memrii

Dwarven Clan Names: Grandmaul, Stonehall, Winterstride, Thunderhand, Icevein, Wargold, Blackstone, Runelore, Heartstrong, Ironblaze, Steelfist, Greysky, Shieldhorn, Axetusk, Proudburn, Stormedge

A NOTE ON DWARVEN NAMING CUSTOMS

Dwarves are hardly a monoculture, and each dwarf has dealt with the loss of Moradin’s Forge in an intensely personal way. Some dwarves have taken to answering only to their Clan name (their first name forever, abandoned), while others refuse to speak their Clan name aloud until they stand once more in the re-taken hall of their ancestors; some dwarves have founded entirely new off-world lineages -- such as Clan Dustblade of Ashen -- and some have adopted themselves into existing bloodlines: Clan Malov, the “dwarven branch” of the Malovitch crime-family is, of course, the most famous of these.

Orc, Goblin, Ogre, Hobgoblin Names: Wurgoth, Gradba, Azuk, Speghat, Cagan, Wilaktug, Sbghat, Omegugh, Fogugh, Braugh, Oggugat, Yegoth, Oogorim, Vothug, Nildud, Golag, Bugharz, Zguk, Ombilge, Zudagog, Tothag, Sogg, Narfug, Ergoth, Xorag, Orpigig, Agronak, Orakh, Xulgug, Fudagog

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Moons of the Forge AKA “The Morndinsamman”:

Abbathar: A shimmering world of vast iron pyrite slabs floating across a seething ocean of molten lead, shot-through with veins of plutonium. Extreme weather events triggered by mega-scale Precursor tech embedded at the moon’s poles – still barely understood, even in theory – routinely cause the surface temperature and atmospheric pressure to reach or exceed 4,000 degrees Kelvin and 18 gigapascals (2,610,680 pounds per square inch): converting portions of the atmosphere into solid, crystalline “red oxygen” while shattering the vast methane-plumes into sheets of pure diamond.

Berronar: A temperate world of steep valleys and winding natural cave systems, with a craggy mineral-rich surface marked by broad streams and small hardwood forests, this served for nearly seven centuries as the “second home” of the dwarven people, founded soon after first contact with gnomes from the Circle of Gold. The early loss of this quiet paradise-moon, along with the entirety of its population, to the illithid during their invasion was a brutal blow to the Clans of the Forge.

Clangeddin: A storm-wracked world of mighty fortresses and massive iron-foundries, this was the very last of Forge-moons to fall: its bleak surface is still marked with endless fields of the unburied war dead, broken banners, and mighty siege-engines half-buried in seas of ash. The endless lightning strikes are said to illuminate black rivers of goblin-fungus running between the most hallowed halls and treasure-filled tombs of the ancient dwarven kings: funerary-stone and pale gold circlets trod into the grey mud.

Duerra: In some ways, on certain battle-fronts, it can be said that the dwarven race yet stands: roaring in open, bloodthirsty, unrelenting defiance of the illithid and all their servants. On this inhospitable planetoid, a vast labyrinth of toxic metal-tainted pools, rusted razor wire, and dizzying mineshafts once used to extract silver, iron, gemstones, and titanium by the cubic ton, two rogue creations of the illithid – the duergar and the dark naga – wage endless war in the dark, focusing the psychic energies of their cold anger on killing anything that so much as looks at them sideways … and plotting, always, to escape the oubliette and shackle the universe as their slave.

Dugmaren: What was once the center of all dwarven scholarship – the eternal echoing repository of some thirty centuries of discovery, poetry, engineering, innovation, and invention, the epicenter of all history recorded by the Clans of the Forge, the memories of a people writ in rune – has been lost. None can say how many tomes and testaments were lost during the Battle of Dugmaren, put to the torch and the axe … nor how many of the great, austere library-moon’s sacred record-keepers were devoured by the rapacious illithid, their minds stolen to be used as horrid weapons against the living. For those who treasure the knowledge of ages, the fall of Dugmaren was perhaps the greatest loss of all.

Dumathoin: A lightless world, shrouded in constant slate-grey cloud-cover, riddled with dangerous – yet fantastically lucrative! – gemstone cave systems of seemingly limitless depth. In the many centuries of its exploration, it yet continues to reveal strange new secrets: some treacherous, some fantastic, all of them beautiful and curious in the extreme. Legends suggest that the winding passages here are truly limitless: that the halls curl back on themselves, leading to tunnels beneath the surface of the Forge, the Spider-Moon, the sands of Ashen, the tombs of Chronepsis, the vampire-castles of Fenris, and even the strange armor of the Celestial Pearl.

image from here

Gorm: A cruel planetoid, a howling nightmare of treacherous, winding obsidian passageways, covered in goblin-fungus and lit only by the low blood-red flickers of a hateful molten core, the Gauntlet of Gorm was once the final testing-ground of the greatest dwarven warriors and the finest dwarven armor: here, unstoppable heroes and unbreakable shields alike were forged. Fallen, now, to the illithid, the retaking of unassailable Gorm may yet represent the last, best hope of the dwarven people.

Haela: The imposing mountain peaks of this glimmering moon are carved with the likenesses of the great clan leaders, the eternal Kings and Queens of the Forge. Beneath their austere gaze, feuding clans have, for centuries, set aside their hate and their bloodthirst to settle generations-old grudges through honorable challenge: tests of skill-at-arms, bravery, strength, endurance, mettle, riddling, drinking, cunning, and even the gift of poetry. The halls here have fallen silent, picked-at now by lean, faceless nightmare predators: misshapen things born under unclean stars.

Laduguer: A hard world wrapped in chill grey mist, a moon of foul reputation and terrible whispers drifting on the winds beneath the stone. Under a steel-grey sky flickering with impossible darkness, bottomless pits sparkling with adamantine and black diamonds rend a jagged landscape of petrified Precursor tech: shattered alien weapons, armor, engines, towers, biological experiments, and massive shipwrecks of sea, star, and air, all transformed to iron. Vast, gaping holes in the surface – some miles across – open into mazeworks of silver and mithral, precious blood-onyx and fantastic skymetals, the tunnels lit by the twisting glimmer of an unwholesome and unnatural flame. The icy peaks of this foreboding moon are home to three long-abandoned dwarven strongholds: the Citadel of the White Rose, the Fortress Hammergrim, and the Throne Perilous.

Marthammor: A wild and far-wandering forest moon of geysers and thermal vents, known for its near-constant earthquakes, its towering native flora and fauna, its softly luminescent gemstones, it extreme and unpredictable weather, and – perhaps best of all – for its sprawling subterranean woodlands: vast, steaming caverns filled with trees adapted to survive seemingly without need of sunlight. Legends speak of doorways in the deep woods to other worlds, and ancient elven runes – some millennia old – can be found carved alongside incomprehensible alien glyphs on the many moss-covered marble pillars, stairs, ivory archways of long-fallen ruins.

Sharindlar: A dusky, crimson and rose-gold planetoid of impossible buttes, wide mesas, abundant hot springs, and huge naturally occurring stone “monuments” interlaced with warm shallow seas, all brushed with glittering, coral-pink sandbars, echoing grottos, and wide white beaches. The rare minerals and exotic plant life of this moon are said to possess a variety of astonishing medicinal properties, capable of restoring life, joy, and vitality to even the most crippled form. A massive temple – seemingly of dwarven construction, yet over 7,000 years old – rises from a golden hillside surrounded by circles of great standing-stones, marked by runes of indecipherable origin.

Thard Harr: Thought to be the ancient origin-point of goblin-fungus, the so-called Labyrinth of Life is home to terrible, primordial beasts seen nowhere else in Pyrespace. This bizarre, sweltering jungle world is stacked in “layers” of independently-floating, constantly shifting plateaus, all orbiting a single boiling ocean: the destination of all waterfalls and the source of constant warm mist and heavy rain. For reasons yet unknown, the maddening complexities of this moon are well-recorded in the oral histories of many monstrous species dwelling on Verdura, who claim to have walked star-paths to this place – for purposes of tending to a mysterious “Temple of the Deceiver / Serpent-Father” – in ancient days.

Vergadain: A small planetoid of gentle hills and clear lakes with a wide orbit, this moon was – for nearly seven centuries, since 1051 A.D. – the preferred meeting-ground to facilitate trade between the races of gnome and dwarf. In the wake of utter cataclysm befalling the shattered gnome home world (in 1492 A.D.), a number of wealthy and prominent gnomish merchant-families established permanent residence here at the heartfelt invitation of their friends among the Clans of the Forge; the casual annihilation of those families by the illithid at their outset of the invasion was a horrific shock to both races.

[shyrose57]

It works very much like illusions. Ranbob can see him but can't touch him. While Dream can touch him (though it feel like more of a faint touch). The entire time Ranbob feels like he's dreaming but due to physical evidence, like notes left by Dream, he knows it isn't a dream. He's just kinda existing. But in actuality he's not completely "there", sometimes he is aware of what's going on (though he never remembers more often than not) but that's when Dream allows it, other than that he's either floating aimlessly in the void or dreaming. Not aware of what's happening. 

Definitely, Enderman tend to be 7 ft+. Infact when traveling and Enderman spot Ranbob, they always voice their worry about him being so short. They know he's a hybrid so he was always going to be shorter than them, but he shouldn't have been this short. His growth is permanently stunted. Its a miracle he even got those 2 inches to be honest. Ran was definitely caught off guard seeing Ranbob so short. But quickly dismissed it in favor of attacking him. But later on as time passes, he can't dismiss the unease and concern he gets when he thinks about the difference so easily as he did eailer. The Gladiators notice right away but don't comment on it, the Fishermen think Ranbobs height is normal so when they meet Ran and learn Enderman hybrids typically grow that big and bigger their caught off guard, Cletus and Charles attempt to question Ran what its like to be so tall but Benjamin stops them. 

He did, the Dream Mask has a small bit of it broken off due to it being dropped (Ranbob didn't break it. He suspects maybe when it was being transferred it got dropped in its holding box and thats what broke it). Ranbob picked it up because he meant to throw it away, but he forgot too. Giving Dream more time to get a hold on him. They talked about whatever came to mind at first since Benjamin didn't want to start off with the rough questions. But eventually the two did start to talk about what happened to Ranbob and who/what Dream was.

Dream does not consider it important enough because he thinks he's never going back there. So it falls into disrepair and gets all dusty with some mold even growing in the room. 

Dreams petty and likes being in control of everything. But Dream would just kinda wander, making sure no ones alive. Every now and again he'll get bored and just destroy something. The fishermen explored and read about the history of Mizu while they were there, then after Ranbob attacked them spent most of the time arguing about what to do with him. 

It just leads to Cletus being mean/rude to Ranbob and taking much longer than the others to be comfortable around him. If that's what you mean.

-------------------

Yes! When it was down to just 4 people left alive in Mizu, Ran stumbled upon the 4th person dead, then it all kind of clicks in his head, as the only other person currently alive is a Council Member, that it has to be his brother. So he rushes off to find the Council Member so they can stop Ranbob, only to find Ranbob standing over his dead corpse. Thats when the chase around Mizu ticks off that ends with Ran fleeing Mizu. 

Cause while spiders are passive in daytime, creepers aren't, and don't burn in the light. Plus they are loud with their explodes (yet oddly quiet) which can give his position away.

Eh I'll say. Their not really super common because mixing them can cause serious side effects during and after mixture. But the healing, sleep aids, and infection mixtures are common as they've been figured out and can safely be made. Fun fact: Subbin actually has an entire community and an official place in the government for figuring out potion mixtures, making new ones, and making the mixing process as safe as possible. 

The group doesn't really use the mixtures much, expect for Rans sleep aid and a every now and again healing mixture when a Pit match goes wrong. Cause Grievous used to intern in a potion shop and learned all about them then.

He really did. 

Your right! Not many people traverse it. Because he was a Technoblade follower, and they typically get taught the bare basics of surviving in environments like the Nether, deserts, snow, caves, etc in their teachings. He got da book from his Idol teachers, everyone in his Idol group got a book as well. 

You can ask! I welcome any and all questions.

There's gold coins (I forget the actual in-game name oop) ore deposits in the Nether, so he mines that. Not any specific ones, cause there is still a language barrier and a mostly gesture barrier (expect for the universal ones like wait, ok/good, no harm, etc). 

They made a group decision to try to check the Nether on a whim. Though mostly cause one guy just wouldn't shut up about it. They found a broken portal and managed to repair it enough to enter.

The Fishermen and Ranbob where kinda confused (cause Ran hadn't fully told them about his time on the run.) But expressed sympathy at his house being burned down. Jackie and Grievous wanted to search it for anything usable, Ran didn't let em cause he thinks there's nothing left. Watson shoots Ran a sympathetic look and declared that he wants to keep moving to find shelter. Benjamin quickly agreeing and the group moves on.

---------Tip of The Iceberg-----------

He does not expect in all of their times he's still the God of the world. 

Honestly, most of them were fine. Bad was the only one who was mad and wasn't ok with it. The Masquerade, The Pit, Sam, Sapnap, Quackity, Foolish, Ranboo, Skeppy, Tubbo, Tommy, and Karl all say the Egg wrote it because they all have had experience with the Egg. The Haunted Mansion, The Wild West, George, Fundy, Eret, Jack, Niki, and Puffy all say XD because they've either had no experience with the Egg or believe in XD's existence. Philza and Technoblade actually go both ways. (If I forgot someone, oops). 

Technoblade, Phil, Niki, The Pit, The Wild West, Puffy, Sapnap, and Sam are all on the Frontline. While the others are all split between research into the egg (The Masquerade is in this one of course), and running tests. Fundy is a runner, delivering orders, requests, or new information. Foolish is on both the researching, testing, and frontlines, he is on the frontlines when needed but otherwise is researching and testing. Karl is typically somewhere with one of the many Traveler groups. Quackity, Eret, and Sam (when not on frontlines) are on planning duties. 

The Egg is strong enough to propose a real and constant threat to the groups. Everyone is typically on the move to avoid the reaching of the Egg and its Eggpire. 

Bad hasn't gotten what he wants, which is Skeppy. And as he has "opened his eyes" a bit he sees the hypocrisy, manipulation, and lies that surround the Egg and wants out. 

----------------------

Ye ye Brothers AU sorry.

The fishermen get to their home, wake up the next day, and Ranbob is already making a field for wheat and potatoes. Benjamin fucking squawks and races out to make Ranbob stop. And Isaac eventually has to come out and help cause Ranbob is refusing to leave. Cletus laughs at Ranbob and makes fun of him but stops when he sees Charles sadly staring at him. A silent ask to stop. 

He does but Porkius is chill and let's the Gladiators do whatever they want as long as they are still in fighting condition for matches and gives them money every week. Plus he's chill and is kinda friends with them. But sometimes Porkius has them go to extravagant parties with him. They all hate going, not just Ran. Mostly cause the rich people are snobs and either 1. Constantly insult them in conversation than act surprised when they get mad at them and report it to Porkius. 2. Talk with them but talk exclusively about themselves and are insensitive to the Gladiators. But sometimes there's actually people at the parties who are genuinely curious and kind and want to get to know the Gladiators. Those conversations are pleasant and the Gladiators, no matter who it is, actively enjoy the conversation.

Ran has always been mischievous. Even witnessing murder, being traumatized, hunted constantly, and fighting non-stop hasn't changed that. If anything he got more mischievous over time. 

Something extra I wanted to share: 

-There is music in world and the player the Gladiators share get brought on the trip so they can play music the entire time. 

  -Ran and Grievous fight over who gets to pick music often.

    -Fun fact about why I did this: Every single part of this story and all others has been either created by or inspired by music. For example the Tip of The Iceberg AU was solely inspired by the song True North (by Vocal Line), while Brothers AU was made from Ruler of Everything (by Tally Hall) and partly Mind Electric (by Miracle Musical). So I wanted to include music somehow. (I actually have a entire playlist with music that I've used for certain parts of the Brothers AU.)

Brothers AU:

Interesting, interesting. What triggers these 'dreams'? Can Dream do it, or is it like just something that happens?

I'm assuming only the brothers would know what the Endermen are saying, but there's also body language, so how does everyone react to that behavior? Do one of the brothers ever tell them what's being said, or? What's everyone's thoughts on Ranbob's height, seeing as the Fishermen were surprised, and the Gladiators immediately noticed?

How does Benjamin feel about what he hears? Is he a bit skeptical at first, or fully believing Ranbob's words?

So the room's in disrepair, interesting. At some point, it's mentioned that they go back there, I think, so does that strike anyone as odd?

He destroyed stuff? Like just general items or artifacts? How did Ranbob feel, if/when he was aware?

------------------

Why didn't he assume it was the Council Member? What clues led him to his brother instead?

Understandable.

Oh, that's really interesting!

World building galore, fantastic!

Who was the one guy?

He thinks? Was there something left then?

-----------------

Tip Of The Iceberg AU:

Still the god? He didn't expect that? Was someone else supposed to be? If so, who? What's his reaction to learning such?

Bad seems to be straying from the egg, does he intend to leave it? Or does it have a way to keep him?

Do we have any particular groups here? People who fight or work well together, and kind of drift to one another? What sort of dynamics do we get with all of this, especially since everyone's on the move constantly to avoid the Eggpire.

------------------

Brothers AU:

Benjamin: Whatcha got there?

Ranbob: Excessive labor when I should be resting.

Benjamin, gasping: NO!

What are the parties typically like? Do they behave or cause havoc? Switch it up? Anyone in particular they don't hate talking to there?

Always mischievous, just better at hiding it. Wait, that means Ranbob would have known he was like that, wouldn't he? He'd know exactly what to expect. Would anyone else? Either way, that should be amusing.

------

What kind of music do they have, and what does everyone prefer to listen to?

(Time to go on a song-spree!)

[laresearchette]

Monday, September 06, 2021 Canadian TV Listings (Times Eastern)

WHERE CAN I FIND THOSE PREMIERES?: HARRY & MEGHAN: ESCAPING THE PALACE (Lifetime Canada) 8:00pm LFG (CNN) 9:00pm ROBOT CHICKEN (adult swim) 12:00am

WHAT IS NOT PREMIERING IN CANADA TONIGHT HELP! I WRECKED MY HOUSE (Premiering on September 08 on HGTV Canada at 10:00pm)

NEW TO AMAZON PRIME/CRAVE/NETFLIX CANADA/CBC GEM:

CRAVE TV CANADA’S DRAG RACE ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA

NETFLIX CANADA COUNTDOWN: INSPIRATION4 MISSION TO SPACE (Episodes 1-2)

US OPEN TENNIS (TSN3/TSN5) 11:00am: Round of 16 Coverage (TSN3/TSN5) 7:00pm: Round of 16 Coverage

MLB BASEBALL (SN) 1:00pm: Jays vs. Yankees (TSN2) 1:00pm: Rays vs. Red Sox (TSN2) 4:00pm: Giants vs. Rockies (SN) 7:00pm: Mariners vs. Astros

CFL FOOTBALL (TSN/TSN4) 1:00pm: Argos vs. Ti-Cats (TSN/TSN4) 4:30pm: Elks vs. Stamps

ALIENS STOLE MY BODY (Crave) 6:00pm:  Stranded on a mysterious planet, the Galactic Patrol embarks on a quest to find the only being who can stop B'KR -- the most fiendish villain in the galaxy.

WNBA BASKETBALL (TSN2) 7:00pm: Phoenix Mercury vs. Indiana Fever

CURIOUS GEORGE: GO WEST, GO WILD (Crave) 7:30pm:  While farm-sitting, Ted goes fishing and George bonds with Emmett, a wannabe cowboy. When George accidentally allows the farm animals to escape, the trio must round 'em up. They emerge with every animal accounted for -- and some new skills to boot.

CORNER GAS ANIMATED (CTV Comedy) 8:00pm: Karen is tasked with playing an online phone game for Fitzy while Wanda and Hank settle a bet with mini putt.

MARY MAKES IT EASY (CTV Life) 8:00pm (SERIES PREMIERE): Mary Berg offers four ways to expand viewers' chicken repertoire so it will never be boring or dry again.

UP THE DISH (CTV Life) 8:30pm (SERIES PREMIERE): High-caliber chefs start with a classic version of the featured dish, followed by an alternate version, a vegan or vegetarian option, and culminating in an over-the-top, show-stopping final version, such as a five-star presentation or a tasty dessert.

CANADA’S DRAG RACE ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANT (Food Network Canada) 9:00pm: Hosted by Priyanka, Canada’s first drag superstar and winner, its the all new, 90-minute special looking back at the series’ history making first season. All 12 Queens from Season 1 reunite to discuss their most memorable experiences on the show.

CREEPSHOW (AMC Canada) 10:00pm (SEASON PREMIERE):  Joe's closest friends are the model toys of his favorite scary movie monsters; a public TV station is overwhelmed when the appraisal of an antique book summons a dark force.

EXPEDITION BIGFOOT (DTour) 10:00pm (SEASON PREMIERE):  The team reveal new evidence from their findings from last year's expedition in Oregon; the new Bigfoot target zone is revealed; never-before-seen footage.

HIGHWAY THRU HELL (Discovery Canada) 10:00pm (SEASON PREMIERE):  The men of Jamie Davis Heavy Rescue fight to keep open some of the most economically important, most traveled and most inhospitable trucking routes in North America.

THE STAND-UP SHOW WITH JON DORE (CTV Comedy) 10:30pm (SEASON FINALE): With Tom Henry, Andrew Johnston, Dave Merheje and Hoodo Hersi.

[fakeyellow]

Revolutionary War spy Kamilah x MC Part 2. Kamilah learns about the curiosity of Genevieve Allen. Genevieve reflects on the events that led to her becoming a spy and makes another life-changing decision by falling for Kamilah. 

(there’s a fair amount of backstory in this chapter but there’s also tension and kissing so you should read lol)

Summary: While infiltrating a British camp, Kamilah meets an unknown woman at gunpoint. Three years later, in the midst of the Revolutionary War, Kamilah crosses paths with Genevieve Allen, youngest daughter of the prominent Loyalist family and the belle of Philadelphian society. Part 1. 

May 19-20, 1980

Over the next two days, Kamilah found herself gracing the parlours of all the well to do women of Philadelphian society. It seemed that they were all curious about the wealthy widow that was Kamilah Walton and it played to her favour since she was able to ask them innocuous-seeming questions about Peggy Shippen and General Arnold. 

Fond of gossip as they were, every person she met was more than happy to oblige, regaling Kamilah with endless tales and gossip, and Kamilah filed each tidbit away.

But once she was satisfied with the information she’d gained on the couple, Kamilah found herself asking about Genevieve Allen.

“Evie? Oh, she’s a darling. She was a bit of a wild child in her younger years but staying with her aunt in New York did her good. You might have known her, Edith Allen?...”

“She’s a charming young woman. Such a good family...”

“Her sisters married so well, it’s a shame things didn’t work out between her and the Shippen boy. I suppose Major André is courting her now but he’s not exactly a Shippen, you know...”

“Oh, it was quite the scandal. You know, Edward and Evie are the same age and having grown up together, everyone just expected they’d marry. But I heard that Evie rejected him right before waltzing off to New York and her father adores her so. There was no way he’d force her to marry him so poor Edward was left to nurse his broken heart. I don’t understand why, he’s so handsome.”

It was at this last house that Kamilah felt like the pieces were slowly coming together.

“Yes, but how did Peggy take that? She seemed close to Miss Allen the other night,” Kamilah interrupted, smoothly redirecting the woman’s attention away from Edward Shippen. 

“That’s all an act,” Sally or Samantha or Sarah whispered conspiratorially, leaning towards Kamilah with an excitement that only gossip could bring her, “They’ve never had a good relationship. And not just because Evie rejected her brother. You know, I heard Major André and Peggy used to be really close before her marriage and now he’s all besotted with Evie… But you know how it is, keep your enemies close and all that. Poor Evie, I don’t think she realises how much Peggy dislikes her.”

Kamilah nodded and the woman quickly began talking about a perceived offense that one of the Penn girls had committed against her. 

Genevieve Allen, beloved daughter, respected lady, secret revolutionary... 

Everything she learned about her seemed to be contradictory but now it was time and Kamilah would finally be seeing the woman herself.

—-

May 20, 1980

Genevieve often thought back to that fateful autumn day: the day that had set her entire life in motion.

Being the youngest child of her family, her siblings had all married or moved onto their own professions by the time she was five. And while her father doted on her especially after her mother’s death, Genevieve had needed more to occupy her restless soul.

From Murray and Wollstonecraft to Warren and Paine, she gorged herself on the eloquence of these writers, feeling the words stir her formerly dormant heart until she decided she could no longer stay still. 

Stealing one of her father’s old, black outfits and covering her face with one of her fine, black scarves, Genevieve spent several months sneaking out at night, committing acts of sabotage that gradually grew in size. 

It was upon the news of her brother’s promotion that Genevieve finally felt prepared enough to do the biggest act she’d ever done yet and after careful nights of planning, she’d snuck out to set fire to the British company’s supply wagons. 

And for the first time in her life, she’d felt like she had a purpose. She was more than just the babied, youngest daughter of the Allen family, she was more than just the future wife of another rich man who would view her only as a breeding mare. She was now part of something bigger than herself, a small cog in the great machine that would be America. 

When she’d locked eyes with the stranger in the woods, she’d felt fear that she’d be discovered. But greater than that fear, she had keenly felt the limitations placed on her. As Genevieve Allen, she would be restricted to these nightly jaunts, unable to do what her heart burned to do, unable to fight as her country needed her to fight.

So the next day, she’d begged her baffled father to send her to New York to indefinitely stay with her aunt. He’d agreed and although Edward, sweet, sweet Edward had begged her to stay and marry him, she’d set on the carriage to start her new life with no regrets. 

She’d bribed the carriage driver to drop her off at a boarding house instead of her aunt’s house and subsequently bribed a messenger to intercept all of the letters sent between her aunt and father. Dressed in trousers with her hair knotted beneath a cap, Genevieve had bought a nice rifle and promptly joined one of the many voluntary militias in New York.  

With her small size, she’d often been sent on scouting missions or petty skirmishes, hiding in the grounds and taking out the British one by one. She’d grown dirty without access to regular baths, her trousers becoming ripped and muddied, and there wasn’t a moment that went by without her muscles ferociously aching but Genevieve had never felt more alive. 

Then it had all changed once she’d gotten clipped in the side by a bullet from the British. She’d been too careless, too confident in her concealed position that a soldier had been able to see and subsequently shoot her. 

The pain was instantaneous, a burning agony flaring out from her grazed side but she was more worried about what this injury meant. Her comrade had seen her go down and if she returned to their camp, she’d be treated by the medic who would undoubtedly reveal her gender. And there was no way she’d go back to her old life, not now when she was finally fighting for her country. 

Through sheer force of will, Genevieve had dragged herself to the boarding house she hadn’t set foot in since her first day in New York. There’d been an unquenchable stream of hot, sticky blood flowing from her side, but she’d pressed her hand against it with clenched teeth. Somehow, she’d been able to pay for her room and go up the stairs before she finally passed out. 

When she’d woke, she’d been freshly bandaged and the owner had sat at her side with a stern expression of motherly concern. 

“There are other ways to help the Revolution,” she’d said and that was how Genevieve had first met Abraham Woodhull, brother of the owner and spy for General George Washington.

He’d quickly recruited her, his eyes gleaming with an unconcealed delight when she admitted her true identity as an Allen.

And so with a fresh scar on her side hidden underneath a thick petticoat and a mission on her mind, she’d finally returned to Philadelphia.

She learned to restrain herself, immersing herself in the subtleties of the society she’d once abhorred, molding herself into the perfect, charming, pure, harmless woman. Her grandmother remarked on how her time in New York must have done her good as she had finally blossomed into a proper lady and Genevieve responded with a beatific smile.

With her new integration into high society, Genevieve wrote down all of the gossip, all of the little hints that slipped out of men ensnared by her beauty, women trying to gain her favour, sending them to a Samuel Culper Jr. 

Although her heart longed to be running out in the battlefield again, adrenaline coursing through her veins, Genevieve knew that this was something much more valuable, something that only she had the access to do. She dutifully sent information, including her growing suspicions that someone high up in the patriotic cause had plans for betrayal. 

Peggy Shippen, the younger woman she’d once been friends with until she’d rejected her brother and run to New York, had married a patriotic general in her absence while maintaining all of her Loyalist connections. General Benedict Arnold was a revolutionary hero and while on all accounts, they seemed to be the model couple, Genevieve saw the fraught tension between them, saw the fissures that Peggy seemed to be pushing wider in him. 

However, with his new command over West Point, he was far too busy and out of her reach. She switched her focus to John André, Major of the British Army and dear friend of Peggy. Although he’d been a formidable opponent, charming and suave in his own right with many women chasing after him, Genevieve had finally caught his eye. It was a precarious game to play with him as she could never be too adoring or too aloof but slowly and surely, André was falling for her, trusting her.

It was him that Genevieve presently should have been focusing on, the man who was her opening into the Loyalist cause, but she found her mind focused instead on the woman who had abruptly entered her life.

Kamilah Walton.

While Genevieve had learned how to blind people with her beauty and charm so that they wouldn’t truly pay attention to her, Kamilah Walton was magnetic. 

Even as Genevieve had danced with Major André, her eyes had been drawn to her: her gloriously tanned skin, her gleaming, brown locks, her utterly sinful, scarlet lips. She’d never seen a woman such as her and when she’d finally heard the woman’s voice, Genevieve had known this was yet another pivotal moment that would change her life forever. 

Though she knew she should feel worried that this woman seemed to know her secrets, or at least that she’d set fire to British supplies, Genevieve felt her heart begin to race at the thought of her. She would be here soon. 

“Evie, I daresay I’ve been conversing with myself this entire time!” Major André teased and Genevieve suddenly regained herself. She was sitting in her parlour, Major André leaning towards her with a playful smile as he ignored the disapproving look of the servant. 

“Please forgive me, I’m not feeling quite myself today,” she quickly responded.

“I suppose I’ll have to try harder next time to gain your attention,” he teased and Genevieve forced herself to smile back at him.

She followed him to the foyer, desperately trying to ignore the woman who had just stepped inside and the furious beating of her treacherous heart.  

“I’ll call on you later this week Evie,” he said, mock saluting her in farewell.

“Don’t keep me waiting too long,” she teased and finally he was gone, leaving her alone with the woman who had occupied her thoughts.

“Evie?” Kamilah asked amusedly and she rolled her eyes in response to the nickname.

“Please, call me anything but that. Genevieve, Eve, they’re all fine.”

“Genevieve then,” Kamilah sounded out and Genevieve couldn’t help but stare at those scarlet lips shaping out each syllable. Her father had once told her she’d been given a name fit for royalty but she’d doubted it until this moment. Because when it came out of Kamilah’s mouth, how could it not be fit for a queen?

She finally raised her eyes to meet Kamilah’s amused eyes, and feeling flustered, she quickly guided them to her parlour. After taking a moment to compose herself, Genevieve spoke.

“Mrs. Walton.”

“Kamilah.”

“Mrs. Walton,” Genevieve repeated, determined to maintain a distance between them, “What brings you here?”

“You’re the one who invited me,” Kamilah replied slyly, looking completely at ease.

“Let me clarify. Why are you here in Philadelphia?”

Kamilah examined her closely now, seeming to slowly admire the flattering cut of Genevieve’s dress before meeting her eyes.

“For the same reason you are, I suppose.”

“That is a very dangerous thing to insinuate, Mrs. Walton,” Genevieve responded with a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes. 

“Well it’s a good thing I’m well versed in dangerous things,” Kamilah retorted, moving her skirts so that the gleaming tips of her dagger could be seen.

Genevieve immediately grabbed the ivory pistol in her own skirts, aiming it straight at Kamilah. Other than the finery they were dressed in and the well-decorated parlour they were in, it was the same scene from three years ago. But this time, Genevieve was trained. She was no longer the inexperienced rebel she’d been.

“Whose orders are you under?” Genevieve asked steadily, her arms outstretched.

Although she was facing the end of a gun, Kamilah remained unflustered, her fingers leisurely stroking her blades.

“None except my own.”

“That’s a lie.”

“I suppose you could say it’s someone with a vested interest in seeing America win its independence,” Kamilah finally offered and Genevieve slowly lowered her pistol although she maintained a tight grip on it.

“Now if you'll indulge me, how is a well to do woman such as yourself involved with the War? I can’t imagine your family approves of your revolutionary tendencies.”

“That was simply a folly of youth,” Genevieve smoothly said although she didn’t let her guard lower, “I was angry at my father and brother and I thought the best way to get back at them was to undermine my brother’s new promotion. That’s all.”

Kamilah nodded, unconvinced, “Of course.”

“I empathise greatly with your cause but I hope you’ll understand that the only way I can help you is by keeping your secret,” Genevieve continued in a manner that made it clear the conversation was over and Kamilah rose to leave. 

“Take care Genevieve. I look forward to getting to know you,” She turned to say, freezing the younger woman in her seat with the intensity of her stare.

Genevieve stayed still long after Kamilah’s departure and it was only when she felt her blush subside that she exhaled and began to write.

“To Mr. Samuel Culper Jr…”

—-

June 1, 1980

While Kamilah knew that her mission was to investigate Peggy Shippen, it had been so long since a mortal woman had captured her interest so completely. Kamilah had not missed the endless amount of inane small talk required to fully ingratiate herself into society but Genevieve’s presence was something she welcomed.

Due to Genevieve’s popularity and her own demand as the new woman in town, it was rare that they weren’t both at the same events. They hadn’t been alone together since their tense meeting but Kamilah felt herself being drawn to the enigma that was Genevieve Allen.

There was clearly so much more to her than the charmingly innocent persona she portrayed and Kamilah longed to see it all, to see the fire ignite in those beautiful green eyes again, to hear the younger woman moan her name in a breathless gasp of delight...

Kamilah focused back on the current conversation as one of the Chew daughters said something particularly asinine. In an attempt to contain her growing exasperation, she looked away, inadvertently catching Genevieve’s eyes that were also brimming with annoyance. 

Kamilah gave her a small, knowing smile and she felt satisfied as the woman repressed a laugh, raising her hand to demurely cover her mouth.

The afternoon tea suddenly didn’t seem so bad.

—-

Kamilah spoke and Genevieve wondered how everyone could seem fine and unruffled. Surely she wasn’t the only one who was so affected by Kamilah. With each stroke of her neck, each piercing glance, Genevieve was unable to tear her eyes away from the captivating woman, feeling Kamilah’s each and every action deeply within her.

She hadn’t thought it possible for a person to evoke the same kind of instinctual, passionate response in her that the revolution had. In all her time with Edward and Major André, not once had they made her feel the way Kamilah did. Not once had her heart ever skipped a beat upon locking eyes with them, not once had she ever felt an unbidden blush rise to her cheeks because of them. 

As a younger girl, there had been times when she’d felt a strange infatuation with other women like Angelica Schuyler, but she’d chalked it up to the quirks that came with being a motherless girl. Yet what Kamilah made her feel was at once the same and yet wholly new, and the sheer magnitude of her feelings kept surprising herself. 

“What does our dear Miss Genevieve think?”

Genevieve stared at Kamilah and thought that she could very easily get addicted to the sound of her name coming out of Kamilah’s mouth. She suddenly came to herself and once again, she felt thankful for cosmetic powder; it had been useful in covering up her baggy eyes from sleepless nights and now it was useful in covering the bright red blush she was sure she had. 

Kamilah stared at her without any malice, giving her a small smile and Genevieve made another decision that would change the course of her life.

“I’m feeling rather faint. Would you be so kind as to get some fresh air with me, Mrs. Walton?” Genevieve asked suddenly, rising before she could hear a response.

“Of course,” Kamilah murmured, masking her curiosity.

They made their way out of the parlour, the other ladies not bothering to give them a second glance as they continued their fascinating discourse on the newest British fashions. 

Genevieve wondered if Kamilah could hear the furious beating of her heart and halted upon closing the door behind them.

“Well?” Kamilah asked as she leaned against the door and Genevieve’s eyes seemed to harden with resolve at the sight before she finally leaned in to capture Kamilah’s lips with her own.

Her lips were softer than Genevieve could have imagined and she felt them quirk upwards after a terrifying moment of stillness. In a fluid motion, Kamilah reversed their positions so that now Genevieve was the one pressed against the door and they melted into each other, a week’s worth of tension finally being relieved. 

Genevieve felt Kamilah’s hands wrap around her waist and hair, bringing her even closer, and she lost herself into the kiss, momentarily forgetting that they were in someone else’s house, that they were both spies for the patriotic cause, that their lives were literally on the line.

A sharp burst of laughter behind the door suddenly brought them to their senses, causing them to separate although their foreheads remained pressed against each other. 

Genevieve’s eyes remained closed as if to savour the lingering sensations on her lips and with a boldness she didn’t know she had, she breathlessly asked, “Would you come to me tonight?”

She finally opened her eyes and saw Kamilah’s eyes light up with surprise that quickly darkened into an emotion Genevieve couldn’t name but somehow felt.

“Of course.”

—-

A/N: Upon reading this, I think Carol (the movie and book) may have unconsciously affected my characters, my bad. Let’s just say that as an 1800 year old, Kamilah’s a little less guarded.

Research dump: I was inspired by Agent 355 who is a real historical figure although her exact identity is unknown. She’s referred to in a single letter but she is known to be a Revolutionary War spy in the Culper Spy Ring, who was instrumental in uncovering Benedict Arnold’s treasonous intentions. I won’t say any more so I don’t spoil too much of the next and final chapter. 

The Culper Spy Ring was a patriotic spy ring and Abraham Woodhull was one of its main members, going by the alias of Samuel Culper. He did have a sister named Mary Underhill who had a boardinghouse in New York. Robert Townsend was another spy with the alias of Samuel Culper Jr. There’s lots of speculation that Townsend was in love with Agent 355 and that Agent 355 may have had Townsend’s illegitimate baby (although I think it may have been disproved). While I’m not going to have that in my story, I thought it’d be nice to have Genevieve write to him as her main way of sending information.

I really wanted to put in a Hamilton reference and have Genevieve join Alexander Hamilton and the gang in New York but the timelines just didn’t match up. So I settled for merely sneaking in Angelica once. 

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior February 21, 2020 – CALL OF THE WILD, BRAHMS: THE BOY II, THE IMPRACTICAL JOKERS MOVIE, EMMA and more!

After overestimating Birds of Prey… I mean, Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey… it looks like I underestimated Paramount’s Sonic the Hedgehog… I mean Jim Carrey’s Dr. Robotnik… with Sonic. It truly spanked my lowball prediction in the mid-$40 millions, but I wasn’t alone there at least. Hey, it’s a fun movie and my positive review wasn’t off-base with the critical world at large, so there’s that, too.  (Apparently, I liked both Downhill and Fantasy Island more than most people, including CinemaScore voters who gave the movies a “D” and “C-“ respectively… ouch!)

This is likely to be another down week as neither of the two new movies are particularly strong, which gives me a chance to focus instead on this week’s FEATURED MOVIES! And we have four of ‘em this week, no less!

That’s right. I think it’s time I go back to my previous desire to use this column to focus on smaller movies that you may have missed since very few of the bigger outlets bother to cover them, and there’s a few worth pointing out this week. I’m gonna start with the two foreign films, because hopefully, you’ve listened to Bong Joon-ho and his translator and are not as fearful of subtitles…

First up, opening on Wednesday at New York’s Film Forumis Jan Komasa’s CORPUS CHRISTI (Film Movement), Poland’s selection for the Oscar International Feature category, which was actually nominated for an Oscar in the category in which everyone already knew Parasite was always gonna win! It’s a shame, cause this is a really amazing film with Bartosz Bielenia playing Daniel, a troubled youth just out of juvenile hall who steals the trappings and identity of the youth prison’s pastor and is therefore mistaken as an actual priest when he arrives at a small community village that has suffered a tragic loss. It’s an amazing film about faith and forgiveness and redemption, and how the script came to Komasa from screenwriter Mateusz Pacewic is an equally amazing story. Seriously, if you get a chance, definitely check this powerful drama out, since it’s another fantastic film from a country that has continually been delivering the goods in terms of original storytelling.

I was just going to do three featured movies this week, but a really good German thriller is finally hitting the States, opening at the Quad in New York Friday then in L.A. on March 13 before a nationwide rollout. Michael Bully Herbig’s incredibly suspenseful German thriller BALLOON (Distrib Films USA) is about two families from the GDR (aka East Germany) who try to cross over into West Germany in 1979 using a hot air balloon, over a decade before the fall of the Berlin Wall. Based on the actual events, their story previously was adapted into the Disney movie Night Crossing (which oddly, isn’t on Disney+ yet-- I checked­, but it’s on Amazon Prime if you wanna compare the two movies). The movie doesn’t spend nearly as much time in the balloon as something like The Aeronauts, as the family’s first attempt fails miserably, so much of the film involves them working towards a second attempt, while trying not to be caught.

Balloon is a pretty heavy film (irony?), sometimes a little overwrought with drama but it keeps you on the edge of your seat as it cuts between the families trying to figure out their escape plan and the authorities trying to put together the clues to find these defectors. There’s a particularly amusing man in charge of the investigation, played by the always-amazing Thomas Kretschmann (The Pianist), who is constantly berating his men, something that helps lighten the otherwise heavy tone that permeates the film. This is another fairly low-key foreign film that’s worth seeking out.

Another movie people should make an effort to seek out is Rashaad Ernesto Green’s PREMATURE (IFC Films), an amazing film that follows the relationship between two young people in Harlem over the course of a summer. We first meet Zora Howard’s Ayanna as she’s hanging with her friends kibitzing about boys, as they begin their last summer before Ayanna heads to college. Shortly after, she meets Josh Boone’s Isaiah, and the two hit it off. The rest of the film follows the ups and downs of their relationship including incredibly intimate moments that lead up to Ayanna getting pregnant.

I won’t go through the plot play-by-play style, because it’s interesting to discover the twist and turns in their relationship in a similar way as we do our own relationships. Needless to say Green has a pretty amazing partner and lead in Howard, who co-wrote the screenplay, which is probably why it feels so authentic and real. Sure, there are a few scenes between Howard and Boone, both fantastic actors, that feel a bit too showy dramatically but otherwise, it’s a fantastic second feature from Green who has mainly been directing TV since his earlier film Gun Hill Road. I’ll definitely be very curious to see what Green and Howard get up to next either alone or working together.

Opening in New York and L.A. this Friday but in theaters nationwide on March 6 is the latest incarnation of Jane Austen’s novel EMMA. (Focus Features), this time starring the wonderful Anya Taylor-Joy (from The VVitchand Split/Glass) as the title character, Emma Woodhouse, a 28-year-old matchmaker who prides herself on the relationships she’s put together even while unable to find her own mate.  The film follows as the latter starts coming in the way of the former as she infiltrates herself into things as an “expert on love” who can’t find it herself.

Maybe it’s not surprising that I haven’t read much of Austen’s work and have missed this one altogether, never having seen any of the other iterations, but it’s a fairly wild and witty ride. Much of that is due to the amazing and wonderful cast around the young actor, the most surprising behind Mia Goth, who is in fact three years older than Taylor-Joy, but plays the younger wide-eyed Harriet who looks up to Emma and elicits her advice. Emma basically steers Harriet from the farmer she likes to Josh O’Connor’s Mr. Elton, the wealthy local vicar who is more than a little bit of a dark. This leads to a bit of a revolving door of who is interested in whom, etc especially when Emma’s nemesis Jane Fairfax (Amber Anderson) returns to Hartfield.

Some of the other men in the mix are Johnny Flynn’s dashing George Knightley – the brother-in-law to Emma’s sister – and Callum Turner’s wealthy Frank Churchill, whose attentions lead to more misunderstandings. Both were great but I was more impressed with O’Connor who transforms into a completely other person when Emma spurns his affections and seems like a different person from the way first-time features director (and photographer) Autumn de Wilde shoots him. Of course, Bill Nighy is as great as always as Emma’s father, always feeling a slight draft, but even more impressive is the wonderfully hilarious Miranda Hart (from Spy) as Miss Bates, a woman who gabs at length about how wonderful Jane Fairfax is, much to Emma’s annoyance. As much as Emma. is Anya Taylor-Joy’s show, it’s the ensemble cast around her that makes the movie so infinitely enjoyable, getting better as it goes along.

This is a very good first feature from de Wilde, who has directed quite a number of music videos for Beck, and Emma. seems very different from the movies we normally get from video directors, much of that to do with Austen’s source material and the cast. Either way, how things develop over the course of the film makes it more enjoyable as it goes along. (Although I have never read the book, the film seems fairly faithful to the book’s Wikipedia page, so Austen fans should enjoy it, too.)

I guess we can now get to the wide and semi-wide releases and the rest of the movies – merging my two columns into one means you get more 5,000-word columns, you lucky ducks!

The higher-profile of the two new wide releases is probably CALL OF THE WILD (20thCentury Studios), a PG adaptation of Jack London’s classic novel starring Harrison Ford and the most adorable CG dog (i.e. not real, so back off PETA!) you’ve ever met named Buck! Sure, dog lovers might say, “Why would we want to watch a movie with a CG dog when clearly, a movie with actors in green suits turned into dogs using CG would suffice?” But no, it’s actually a very heavily CG movie directed by Chris Sanders, who directed Lilo & Sitch, the first How to Train Your Dragon and The Croods before giving a go at live action. (Sanders also provided quite a few voices in earlier animated films like Disney’s Mulan and Tarzan.)

A film that already was well into production when Disney bought Fox (now 20thCentury Studios), Call of the Wild also stars Omar Sy (returning for next year’s “Jurassic World” finale), Karen Gillan, Dan Stevens, Bradley Whitford but the real star of the movie is the dog Buck, which is performed by the immensely talented Terry Notary, who you’ll know for his work on the “Apes” movies with Andy Serkis, Kong: Skull Island and some of the characters in the last couple “Avengers” movies.

Of course, opening the weekend after Paramount’s Sonic the Hedgehog, which has turned out to be a bigger hit than anyone imagined, certainly won’t help The Call of the Wild.

In many ways, this reminds me of the 2002 Disney movie Snow Dogs, which opened with $17.8 million over the 4-day MLK weekend. The combination of Ford (who appears in very few movies) and the adorable dog antics might be enough for the movie to make $15 to 17 million this weekend, maybe a little more, although it only has two weeks to do business before Disney’s next Pixar movie, Onward, takes over, not giving it much time to make bank.

Mini-Review: It’s pretty evident that this exceedingly faithful take on Jack London’s book will not be for everyone. While I personally was mixed, I expect this to be one of the rare positive reviews just ‘cause. Surprisingly, it’s also the most “Disneyfied” movie that could possibly come from the newly-renamed 21stCentury Studios as it’s a movie clearly made for kids and animal lovers even if never the ‘twain shall meet, in some cases.

The story follows a large St. Bernard named Buck (portrayed by Terry Notary – but we’ll get back to that), who begins his life as the spoiled and pampered pet of a wealthy judge in California but is sold to a man who trains Buck with his club sending the dog on a wild journey across the Yukon as part of a dog sled for a pair of Canadian postal workers (played by Omar Sy and Cara Gee from “The Expanse”). Eventually, he’s paired with an alcoholic frontiersman (Harrison Ford) and he finds true love, as the two of them go off looking (and finding) gold.

Some might be surprised that director Chris Sanders (who has an extensive animation background) decided to go for straight-up CG when depicting the animals and some of the environments in Call of the Wild. In fact, it feels almost necessary to make Buck as expressive as he needs to be to carry this film, and that’s where Terry Notary (Andy Serkis’ partner-in-performance-capture from the “Apes” movies) and the CG team comes in handy. Buck is already lovable but being able to make him so expressive doesn’t hurt, and the scenes where he’s interacting with other animals are pretty amazing.

We do have to discuss the negatives, and one of them is the episodic nature of Buck’s story that means that Harrison Ford, other than the narration and a brief appearance, doesn’t play a large part in Buck’s story until about the 45-minute mark. I didn’t think much of the performances by Sy and Gee or Dan Steven and Karen Gillan as the spoiled rich people who buy Buck to drive their dog sled off to find gold. Buck’s experiences as part of the first dog sled is far more positive even though it’s rigorous and it puts him at odd with the dog pack leader. The problem is that most of the human actors don’t come close to delivering what Notary does as Buck, the exception being Ford, but it’s still one of those odd CG-live action amalgations that doesn’t always work.

If you’re fond of Jack London’s Arctic adventures (as I generally am), Call of the Wild offers as much good as it does bad, but it’s worthwhile more for the amazing vistas and terrific use of CG (and Terry Notary’s performance as Buck) than anything else.

Rating: 6.5/10

I won’t have a chance to see the horror sequel BRAHMS: THE BOY II (STXfilms), but I never got around to seeing the first movie either, although this one, starring Katie Holmes, does look kind of fun. 2020 has not been a great year for horror so far with almost a new horror every weekend and few doing particularly well – The Grudge tops the heap with just $21 million and that opened almost two months ago!

I really don’t have a lot to say about this other than the fact that the original The Boy(not to be confused with The Boy, The Boy or The Boy, which are also movies about a different “Boy”), also directed by William Brent Bell, opened in January 2016 to $10.8 million on its way to $35.8 million domestic but it also opened at a time when there were no strong horror films in theaters. Some could argue that there are still no strong horror films in theaters, especially since so many of them quickly lost theaters after bombing. Still, there have been a lot this year already and the most recent one, Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island underperformed this past weekend, so why would anyone want more?

STXfilms’ marketing has been solid even as this moved from its December release to now, but I still think it will be tough for this to make more than $10 million this weekend and probably will end up closer to $8 million or less.

Opening in limited release but also sure to be exciting to the fans of the TruTV hidden camera prank show is IMPRACTICAL JOKERS: THE MOVIE, which brings the hilarious Tenderloins comedy troop – Q, Murr, Sal and Joe -- to the big screen as they go off on a cross-country adventure to attend a party in Florida, playing their usual prank-filled games to see which three get to attend. At this writing, I have no idea how many theaters it’s opening – I’m assuming 150 to 200 maybe? – so no idea how it might do although there are already some sold out showings in my general area (NYC) where the guys are from.

Mini-Review: It feels like there need to be two reviews for this movie – one for those who already know and love the show and find the Tenderloins hysterical (this includes me) —and then one for everyone else.  The former can probably skip the next paragraph.

The Tenderloins are a group of four Staten Island friends (names above) whose antics led to a successful TruTV hidden camera show where they pull pranks and challenge each other to say and do whatever they’re told. The show has run eight seasons, and it’s made the Tenderloins such big stars they regularly sell out enormous venues (like Radio City Music Hall) to perform live for their fans. Considering the success Johnny Knoxville’s “Jackass” show has had in movie theaters where it can take advantage of an R-rating, there’s little reason why the “Impractical Jokers” shouldn’t be able to do the same. (For some context, I watched this movie with a theater full of the group’s friends, crew as well as Q’s firehouse buddies, in other words, 75% of Staten Island.)

The movie, directed by Chris Henchy, long time McKay and Ferrell collaborator – the film is presented by their “Funny or Die” brand –opens with one of a number of scripted/staged scenes to frame the road trip the Tenderloins to attend a party in Miami being held by Paula Abdul. Since they only have three passes, they need to compete in their usual challenges to determine who misses out.

If you are a fan of the show, I’m not going to spoil any of the challenges or pranks they plan on each other, but they generally get better and funnier as the movie goes along, to the point that when it returns to the “story” and the scripted stuff, the movie does falter a little. Although the Tenderloins aren’t the greatest actors, they are great improvisers and you can tell when they’re coming up with lines by the seat of their pants.

The majority of the movie is basically what we see on the show without all of the commercial breaks cutting in just as things start to get outrageous, and as someone who watches more of the show than I probably should admit, I find it hard to believe no one watching the movie will at least get one good snicker out of the movie. There are a few recurring gags throughout the movie as well as a follow-up to a memorable punishment from an earlier season. (Like with the show, you’re likely to feel bad for Murr and Sal, the nicer half of the group who always get the most abuse because of it.)

If you’re already a fan of the Impractical Jokers, you’ll probably like the movie, but if not, you might not get it and there’s just no real use trying. In other words, not a great intro to the “Impractical Jokers” but a fine bit of fun for the already-converted.

Rating: 6.5/10

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this…

1. Sonic the Hedgehog  (Paramount) - $29 million -50% (up $1.5 million)**

2. Call of the Wild (20th Century) - $17 million N/A (up .3 million)** 3. Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey  (Warner Bros) - $9 million -48%

4. Brahms: The Boy II (STXfilms) - $7 million N/A (down .6 million)**

5. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $6 million -48% (down .1 million)**

6. The Photograph (Universal) – $5.5 million -55% (down .6 million)**

7. Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island (Sony) - $5.3 million -57%

8. 1917 (Universal) - $5 million -38%

9. Parasite (NEON) - $3.6 million -35%

10. Jumanji: The Next Level  (Sony) - $3.3 million -42%

-- The Impractical Jokers Movie (TruTV) - $1.8 million*

-- Las Pildoras de mi Novio (Pantelion/Lionsgate) - $1.3 million*

* These last two projections are made without much info on either movie, including theater counts for the former.

**A few minor tweaks as we go into weekends with actual theater counts, although this weekend will still mostly be about Sonic the Hedgehog. I still don’t have any theater counts for Impractical Jokers on Thursday night so I guess we’ll just have to see if the theaters playing it report to Rentrak and it gets some sort of placement, presumably outside the top 10, on Sunday. 

LIMITED RELEASES

There are lots of other new limited releases this weekend beyond the ones I mentioned above.

On Wednesday night, Fathom Events is releasing Masaaki Yuasa’s new movie RIDE YOUR WAVE (GKIDS) across the nation for one night only in some places, although it will get a limited release on Friday at New York’s Village East and maybe other places, as well. If you’ve seen any of Yuasa’s other films like 2017’s The Night is Short, Walk on Girl or Lu Over the Wall or Mind Game, then you can probably expect this to be another wild ride, except this time it’s on a surfboard. It follows the story of a surfer and a firefighter who fall in love. You can learn more about how to get tickets here.

Like Portrait of a Lady on Fire last week, Una director Benedict Andrews’ SEBERG (Amazon) received a one-week release in 2019 but it’s getting a legit limited release this Friday. It stars Kristen Stewart as French New Wave icon Jean Seberg who came to the States in the late ‘60s and began a relationship with civil rights leader Hakim Jamal (Anthony Mackie), putting her in the sights of the FBI who were hoping to use her to bust the Black Panthers. The film also stars Jack O’Connell, Margaret Qualley, Vince Vaughn, and Stephen Root, and it’s a pretty solid historical drama, although I haven’t seen it so long I’m not sure I can say much more about that.

I was never a huge fan of Bob Dylan or the Band but I found Daniel Roher’s doc ONCE WERE BROTHERS: ROBBIE ROBERTSON AND THE BAND (Magnolia) (about the latter) to be quite compelling as the story is told by various people who were there, including the film’s exec. producer Martin Scorsese who directed the band’s legendary concert film The Last Waltz. This is also produced by Ron Howard and Brian SGrazer of Imagine, so you know it’s gonna be a quality music doc, and it certainly is, although I’m not sure it will be of that much interest to people who aren’t already fans of The Band.

Opening in roughly 350 theaters this weekend is LAS PILDORAS DE MI NOVIO (Pantelion), translated as “My Boyfriend’s Meds,” a comedy about a woman (Sandra Echeverria) who falls for a mattress store owner who suffers from multiple personality disorder and when they go on vacation… he forgets to bring along his meds! Humor abounds. As usual, this won’t screen in advance for critics.

Tye Sheridan stars with Knives Out’s Ana De Armas in Michael Cristofer’s thriller The Night Clerk (Saban Films), Sheridan plays a hotel clerk with Asperger’s Syndrome who witnesses a murder in one of the rooms but ends up as the main suspect by the lead detective, played by John Leguizamo. The film also stars Helen Hunt and it will be released in select theaters (including New York’s Cinema Village), on demand and digitally this Friday. Just couldn’t into this one, having at least one good friend with Asperger’s, due to the way Sheridan played this often-debilitating disease. (Think Rain Man without the talent of Dustin Hoffman.)

Opening exclusively at theMetrographFriday with an expansion on March 3 is Portugese filmmaker Bruno de Almeida’s Cabaret Maxime (Giant Pictures), starring Michael Imperioli as Bennie Gaza, the owner and manager of the title nightclub specializing in a mix of burlesque, striptease, music and comedy. Bennie is fairly old-fashioned so when a modern day (translation: trashy and demeaning to women) strip club opens across the way, Bennie finds himself pressure to make changes to stay in line as he starts getting pressure from his mobster financer to change. I was kinda mixed on this movie, which delivers another typically great performance from Imperioli but the way it cuts between various acts and disparate scenes that do very little to move the story forward (including the far-more-interesting subplot about Bennie’s wife Stella, a performer suffering from depression, as played by the amazing Ana Padrão). I think one of the reasons I just couldn’t get into the movie is cause a friend of mine attempted a similar film based out of a nightclub and the film never got much traction. De Almeida should have paid more attention developing the storytelling than showing off his talented musical singing/dancing friends.

A second Portugese filmmaker, Pedro Costa, also releases a new film this week.  Vitalina Varela (Grasshopper Film) will open at New York’s Film at Lincoln Center on Friday. The title of the film is also the name of the non-actor who returns from Costa’s Horse Moneyto play a woman from Cape Verdean who comes to Fontainhas for her estranged husband’s funeral and sets up a new life there.

Also opening at the Quad Friday is the latest from the Dardenne Brothers, Young Ahmed (Kino Lorber) about a 13-year-old (Idir ben Addi) who has come under the grips of radical jihadism in his Belgian town, putting him at odds with various factions. When he carries out an act of violence, he ends up in a juvenile detention facility. The Dardennes won the Best Director award at last year’s Cannes Film Festival, where their films have been honored with the Palme d’Or twice. I’ve never been much of a fan but what do I know?

Opening at the IFC Center Wednesday is Nicolas Champeaux, Gilles Porte’s documentary The State Against Mandela and the Others, which is built around recently recovered audio recordings of the 1963-4 Rivona trial in which Nelson Mandela and eight others faced death sentences for challenging Apartheid. The film mixes animation showing the trails with contemporary interviews with the survivors including Winnie Mandela, about their fight against the country’s corrupt system.

Another doc I know little about is Andrew Goldberg’s Viral: Antisemitism in Four Mutations, which will open at the Village East Friday but it includes the likes of Julianna Margulies, Tony Blair and Bill Clinton as anti-semitism rears its ugly head over 70 years after the end of World War II and the Holocaust.

Also opening at Cinema Village is Matt Ratner’s Standing Up, Falling Down (Shout! Studios) starring Billy Crystal and Ben Schwartz (the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog!), the latter playing a stand-up comic whose L.A. dreams have crashed and burned leaving him with little money, forcing him to return to Long Island. Once there, he pines over his ex (Eloise Mumford) and becomes friends with an eccentric dermatologist (Crystal) as they help each other deal with their respective failures.

Playing at the Roxy for a one-week run starting Friday is Sam De Jong’s Goldie (Film Movement), starring actress/model Slick Woods as the title character, a teenager in a family shelter pursuing her dreams of being a dancer while trying to keep her sisters together. This premiered at the Tribeca Film Festivallast year.

Oscilloscope (the distributor that brought you the cat doc Kedi) is doing something called “Cat Video Fest 2020,” which will take place at the Alamo in Brooklyn (although the Saturday screening is sold out there) and the Village East Cinema. This screening of pre-selected cat videos is also taking place at other cities throughout the country, and you can find out where right here.

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

This Friday, the Metrograph will debut its newest series “Climate Crisis Parabels,” a series of varied future shock films, this weekend with Robert Bresson’s The Devil, Probably (1977), Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke (1999) (hosted by Naomi Klein Sunday afternoon, but also playing as part of the Playtime Family Matinees”) and Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner: The Final Cu ton Sunday night. “To Hong Kong with Love” also continues with screenings of Stanley Kwan’s Rouge (1987) and the 2016 film Raise the Umbrellas. The ongoing Welcome To Metrograph: Redux also continues with HarunFarocki’sdocumentary Before Your Eyes: Vietnam (1981).  This week’s Late Nites at Metrograph is another Japanese thriller, Hiroshi Teshigahara’s 1966 thriller The Face of Another, and the Metrograph’s Japanese love continues as Playtime: Family Matinees will also show Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke from 1999.

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” is Ken Russell’s 1987 film Gothic, and this week’s “Kids Camp” offering is the 2006 animated Curious George with a special “pick your own price.” In preparation for the release of Emma. On Friday, the Alamo is doing a “Champagne Cinema” screening of the 2005 Pride and Prejudice, starring Keira Knightley, which unfortunately, is sold out already. (Waugh Waugh) Monday’s “Out of Tune” is the Prince film Under the Cherry Moon from 1986, which is also sold out. (Hey, Jeremy Wein, why don’t you tell me these things are going on sale so I can go!?!) Next week’s “Terror Tuesday” is the horror classic Candyman (1992), which is ALSO almost sold out and then we’re back to “Weird Wednesday” with next week’s offering, 1985’s soft-core actioneer Gwendoline.

If you’re one of those poor souls living in L.A., you can also go to see Don Coscarelli’s 2002 film Bubba Ho-Tep, starring Bruce Campbell, on Wednesday night or the 1986 Little Shop of Horrors on Thursday at the grand, new(ish) Alamo Drafthouse Cinema Downtown Los Angeles. Saturday afternoon is a matinee of Steven Soderbergh’s Out of Sight (1998), starring George Clooney and J-Lo and Saturday night, you can see Cassavetes’ Minnie and Moskowitz (1971), starring Seymour Cassel and Gena Rowlands. Monday night is Juliet Bashore’s 1986 Kamikaze Hearts, which looked into the X-rated SF underground of the ‘80s. The West Coast “Terror Tuesday” is Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 film Bram Stoker’s Dracula, starring Keanu Reeves, Gary Oldman and Winona Rider!

THE NEW BEVERLY  (L.A.):

Wednesday’s afternoon matinee is the classical musical The Sound of Music (1965) and then Weds and Thurs night’s double feature is Robert Redford’sThe Hot Rock (1972) and Cops and Robber (1973). Friday’s matinee is the late Tony Scott’s The Hunger (1983) and then the Tarantino-pennedTrue Romance (1993, also directed by Scott), will play Friday midnight and Saturday’s midnight movie is the 1967 film Carmen, Baby. This weekend’s Kiddee Mattine is Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005). Monday’s matinee is Terrence Malick’s Badlands (1973) and the Monday night double feature is A Man for All Seasons(1966) and The Mission  (1986). Tuesday’s Grindhouse double feature is 1980’s Super Fuzz and 1977’s Death Promise, both in 35mm, of course.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Weds’ “Black Voices” movie is William Greaves’ 1968 film Symbiopsychotaxiplasm, and then on Friday night in the Spielberg Theater, you can see the 1913 film Traffic in Souls with live music as well as a couple shorts. The Japanese horror film Kwaidan(1965) will play in the normal theater. On Saturday, the Egyptian is presenting “Leigh Whannell’s Thrill-A-thon” a series of four films that helped to inspire Leigh Whannell’s The Invisible Man, which comes out next week with some great options worth seeing, including 1987’s Fatal Attraction, David Fincher’s 2014 film Gone Girl, Rob Reiner’s Stephen King adaptation Misery(1990) and the classic Aussie thriller Dead Calm(1989) starring Nicole Kidman … all for just 15 bucks!

AERO  (LA):

The AERO’s “Black Voices” film for Weds. is the great Stir Crazy, starring Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor, and then on Thursday afternoon, you can see Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 classicDr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb for $8 (free to Cinemateque members!) New restoration of the Russian film Come and See (also opening at the Film Forum in New York) will play on Saturday evening as part of the “Antiwar Cinema” series. Sunday’s double feature in that series is Kubrick’s Paths of Glory (1957) and the Russian film The Ascent (1977). Tuesday’s “Black Voices” matinee is Julie Dash’s Daughters of the Dust  (1991) and then Greg Proops will screen the 1996 film Ridicule as part of his Film Club podcast which precedes the film.

MOMA  (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon continues through the end of the month with Mister Roberts (1955) on Weds., Billly Wilder’s Avanti (1972) and the classic (and one of my all-time faves) Some Like it Hot (1959) on Friday. This weekend also sees movies in the continuing “Theater of Operations” series, which will include Kathryn Bigelow’s Oscar-winning The Hurt Locker (2009) on Saturday afternoon and a bunch of docs including Werner Herzog’s 1992 film Lessons of Darkness on Sunday. Weds also kicks off “Television Movies: Big Pictures on the Small Screen” – pretty self-explanatory, I think – with 1953’s The Trip to Bountiful and 1955’s Tosca on Weds. and Sunday, 1967’s Present Laughter Thursday and Tuesday and more. (Click on the link for full schedule!) Following Film Forum’s focus on black actresses (for February, Black History Month, get it?) MOMA begins a  “It’s All in Me: Black Heroines” series with All By Myself: The Eartha Kitt Story and Julie Dash’s Illusions, both from 1982, on Thursday and many more running through March 5.

ANTHOLOGY FILM ARCHIVES (NYC):

The Anthology still has a few more films in its “Devil Probably: A Century of Satanic Panic” including Eric Weston’s Evilspeak (1981) tonight in 35mm, but also David Van Taylor will be at tonight’s screening of his 1991 film Dream Deceivers. I’ve never seen either of these, by the way. Robert Eggers’ The VVitch and Alan Parker’s Angel Heart screen one more time on Thursday night, as well. This weekend also begins a new series, “Dream Dance: The Films of Ed Emshwiller” but since I have no idea who that is, I have nothing further to add. (Sorry!)

NITEHAWK CINEMA  (NYC):

Williamsburgis showing David Lynch’s 1990 film Wild at Heart as part of its “Uncaged” series on Friday just after midnight and John Singleton’s Poetic Justice on Saturday morning as part of “California Love.” They’re also showing Rob Reiner’s The Princess Bride on Saturday morning for an “All-Ages Brunch Movie.”

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Elem Klimov’s 1985 Russian drama Come and See (Janus) will have a DCP restoration premiere at the Forum and Sunday afternoon will be a screening of the 1953 Mexican film El Corazon y La Espada in 3D. This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is the 1953 pseudo-doc Little Fugitive.  Monday night is a screening of David Rich’s Madame X  (1966) introduced by actor/playwright Charles Busch.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

This weekend’s Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuel is the Mexican film The Exterminating Angel (1962), while Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020s will screen Keanu Reeves’ Johnny Mnemonic and Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020is taking a surprising weekend off.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

Still waiting to see if Pandora and the Flying Dutchman continues through the weekend, as at this time (Monday), there is nothing repertory listed.

BAM CINEMATEK(NYC):

Horace Jenkins’ Cane River continues through Friday. Saturday night’s “Beyond the Canon” is a double feature of Ida Lupino’s The Hitch-Hiker(1953) and Malick’s Badlands (1973).

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

This weekend’s “See It Big! Outer Space” offerings include1974’s Space is the Placeon Friday and 1924’s Aelita, Queen of Mars and the 1980 Flash Gordonscreening on Saturday and Sunday. As usual, 2001: A Space Odysseywill screen on Saturday afternoon as part of the ongoing exhibition.

ROXY CINEMA(NYC)

Weds’ Nicolas Cage movie is Martin Scorsese’s Bringing Out the Dead (1999) and then Thursday is a 35mm screening of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)!

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

Friday’s midnight movie is Who Killed Roger Rabbit (1988).

STREAMING AND CABLE

Let’s see what’s going on in the world of streaming this week, shall we?

Netflix is debuting Dee (Mudbound) Rees’ new movie THE LAST THING HE WANTED on the streaming service Friday, even though apparently, it opened in select cities last week, including New York’s Paris Theater, although it got such terrible reviewsout of Sundance, maybe Netflix didn’t want any more bad reviews before it begins streaming. Regardless, it stars Anne Hathaway, Willem Dafoe, Ben Affleck and Rosie Perez, and it’s based on Joan Didion’s novel about a D.C. journalist named Elena (Hathaway) who abandons her work on the 1984 campaign trail to run an errand for her father (Dafoe). I guess I’ll watch it when it’s on Netflix just like everyone else but my expectations have been suitably lowered.

The Jordan Peele-produced series “Hunters,” starring Al Pacino, which is about a group of Nazi hunters will hit Amazon Prime this Friday as well, and a new season of the popular series“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” will debut on Friday on Disney+, adding to the amazing amount of content already available on that network.

Next week, Saw and Insidious co-creator Leigh Whannell revamps The Invisible Man for Universal with Elisabeth Moss, and there’s also (supposedly) a movie call The Ride, which I know nothing about. You can guess which movie I’ll be focusing on.

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or send me a note on Twitter. I love hearing from readers!

[harrisonstories]

Above: Rane Sevin during a sitar lesson, Below: The Maharishi Ashram in Rishikesh, India

My Lunch With George Harrison

I’m a musician living in Los Angeles. One afternoon, I stopped to have lunch at an outside café on Sunset Boulevard with tables so close together that they touch. I sat down next to an old guy and ordered a sandwich.

A group of people immediately came up and asked the guy for his autograph. I didn’t recognize him, so I assumed he was a TV actor. People are always fussing over actors I don’t recognize. (I haven’t watched TV since I was a kid, so I’m often off the grid when it comes to pop culture.)

I forgot about the guy for a couple of minutes. My mind was on a song I was writing, and I was replaying a riff over and over in my head so I’d remember it when I got home. But I couldn’t ignore the guy for long, because more and more people kept stopping for autographs. He was cheery and kind to everyone, even though they were interrupting his meal.

It’s gauche to ask for autographs in L.A., and it struck me as odd just how many people were doing it. I glanced over a couple of times, and the guy smiled at me, but I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want to intrude on his space.

Halfway through lunch, I hit on a really great ending for my song. I grabbed my cell phone, planning to go into the restroom and record it before I forgot it. I stood up and accidentally dropped my phone on the famous guy. I apologized and explained that I was going to the restroom to record a song. I realized that this probably sounded weird, but the guy didn’t seem to think so. I remember exactly what he said. He looked at me and said, “Is that so?” with so much interest and friendliness that it made me grin.

I squinted at him for a few seconds, wracking my brain to figure out who the heck he was. It occurred to me then that he might be a musician instead of an actor. I rarely know what musicians look like, even if I love their music. I recently saw a DVD of Led Zeppelin for the first time, and was shocked that Robert Plant was blond and flamboyant. I’d always imagined him dark, brooding and serious, and this new image gave me a mind-spin. The same thing happened the first time I went to a Neil Young concert. I was devastated that this geek with hideous mutton chops was the force behind the most brilliant, haunting music I’ve ever heard. My romantic fantasies were crushed, but it was still the best show I’ve ever seen. Neil Young in concert is f*#*ing awesome.

Anyway, I went to the bathroom and called my home number and sang the ending of my song to my machine. I recorded it a couple of times, to make sure I got all the nuances. When I came out of the bathroom, I asked the waitress if she knew who the famous guy was, and she squealed, “George Harrison, you idiot!”

George HARRISON!!?? My heart lurched to my throat. George Harrison was my HERO!

OK, so he’s everybody’s hero, but you’ve got to understand, I’m a sitar player. The sitar is the love of my life – I love it more than my computer, more than my ’62 Telecaster, maybe even more than my orange tomcat who brings dead things into the house all the time.

I bolted back outside with a smile splitting my face open. There were so many things to talk to him about! I spend a lot of time in Rishikesh, India, which is where the Beatles stayed when they were there. The Maharishi’s ashram is abandoned now, and totally overgrown by jungle. When I’m in India, I trek in there every day and sit on the roof of the house the Beatles built. (It’s the only house on the property. The rest of the buildings are little beehive- shaped meditation huts.) The roof overlooks the Ganges River, and I sit there and play sitar and watch the mist float across the mountains and the monkeys swing in from the jungle. It’s a magical spot – truly beyond description — and it’s easy to see how the Beatles wrote so much incredible music there.

I wondered if George had ever been to the secret caves in Rishikesh or discovered the hidden, white sand beaches down the river. I was curious whether he’d ever encountered wild elephants, and if he fed the big, jungle apes like I do.

Also, I was bursting with sitar questions to ask him. I wondered which tunings he used and if he ever installed pickups. I wondered how he dealt with the feedback problems sitars have when miked. (“Real” sitar people won’t even discuss the idea of pick-ups. Sitar is meant to be played acoustically. Playing rock and roll with electric instruments, as I do, is an apostasy.)

I even had the wild thought that I could invite George over to my house to play my new custom-made sitar. Maybe he would even sign it! That would be so unbelievably cool! Or if he didn’t want to go to my house, maybe he’d wait for me to bring my sitar back to the café.

I abandoned all pretenses and ran right up to his chair…but he was gone! I looked up and down the sidewalk, but he wasn’t there. I sprinted down the steps to check out the parking lot behind the restaurant, but again – nobody. He must have parked in front of the restaurant and driven off while I was in the bathroom.

I felt ill…literally ill! How could he have done this to me? I love his music so much, and I admire what he stood for and who he’d become.

Now that he was gone, his face retroactively snapped into recognition. The only Beatles pictures I’d ever seen were from the 60s and 70s, but now I put that young face together with the older one, and can’t imagine how I didn’t recognize him …especially with the BRITISH ACCENT and the AUTOGRAPH HOUNDS!!! The waitress was right — how STUPID could I BE???

As I drove home, I consoled myself with the thought that I still might meet him someday. Sitar players have a way of finding each other. People have introduced me to a couple of India’s giants — there was a good chance I would run into George someday.

But that never happened. Sadly, he died a few months later. I’ll never get to tell him how much I loved his music. I’ll never get to thank him for bringing the sitar to the west…thank him for changing my life. I had the chance, and I was too polite to grab it.

Lesson learned. If I ever run into Neil Young, I’m gonna tackle him first and make apologies later.

- Rane Sevin [x] (2005)

[acaseforpencils]

The Ink Well Foundation.

The Ink Well Foundation is a non-profit that helps bring smiles to the faces of children facing adversity such as illness, neglect, and abuse. I cannot begin to express how big of an honor it is to have Elizabeth Winter on Case—this interview brought me to tears, and it means a lot to share her message on here, so that you all can help more children in need to be able to connect with this incredible foundation.

Bio: I am the Founder and Executive Director of the Ink Well Foundation. Growing up, I had cancer my entire childhood—it was a rare cancer that kept getting misdiagnosed, which meant a fair amount of biopsies and days in the hospital, and finally major surgery where I was told I might wake up without a leg. I am very fortunate in that the doctors were able to remove all the cancer without amputating, and I have been cancer-free since I was about 20 years old. 

That experience gave me a lot of empathy and compassion for kids facing long, isolating hospital stays. There were also other issues during my childhood: I experienced a lot of abandonment with a mother who just could not play the role of mother, and who eventually died when I was fifteen. In general, I just had a pretty severe lack of affection and emotional support growing up. All that made me very tough, in some ways too tough and it wound up creating only further isolation and pain. 

As an adult, I saw that pain mirrored in other children's eyes and I began to seek out a way to connect with them, to help them and myself learn to nurture and heal together. I strongly feel that genuine human bonding can fuel both physical and emotional healing. I also think getting out into nature and carrying that same respect to all wildlife helps us to become humble and connected in a very powerful way, so we stress those ideas in our work often.

In 2005, I was working in animation in New York City, and I stood up in a meeting at work one day, and asked if any of the other artists would like to come along with me to draw with kids facing illness and hardship. A couple people raised their hands, and we went together to Gilda's Club out in Brooklyn (that club house has since closed, but we still go to the one in Manhattan). The artists who came along in those early years, like Rami Efal and Ray Alma, Pedro Delgado and Sergei Aniskov—those people are all still volunteers today! That says so much to me about the kind of people this work attracts. We've all become like family over the years and I love those guys so much. 

It all began at Gilda's Club, but then I reached out to places like the Ronald McDonald House, St. Mary's Hospital and Bellevue Hospitals, and we slowly but surely became accepted and welcomed at healthcare and at-risk support centers all across New York, because the kids loved what we did, and at then end of every event they were begging us to come back. So we always did! That is the true mark of success for me every time, when the kids are yelling at us to get back there as soon as we can.

A few years ago, I learned about the great organization on the Upper East Side, The Society of Illustrators. Their Executive Director, Anelle Miller, connected me with all these other great artists like Stefano Imbert, Bil Donovan, Abby Merrill, and Elana Amity (who is now our Event Director at Mount Sinai Hospital, where she hosts a monthly live drawing call-in show that beams to all the kids' hospital rooms at once). They draw along with us and call or text in with questions and comments. It's hilarious and adorable. We also connected with the great people of the National Cartoonists Society, and wonderful artists like Ed Steckley, Adrian Sinnott, Howard Beckerman, Tim Savage, Marty Macaluso, Joe Vissichelli and so many more. 

After MTV Animation New York shut down, pretty much all my colleagues and I from great shows like Beavis and Butthead, Daria, The Head, and Celebrity Death Match all moved out west. So I had this great group of talented friends still living there, and based on the Ink Well's popularity in NYC, I thought, let's give it a shot there too! I reached out to my former colleague from Rugrats and Wild Thornberrys, Joseph Scott, and asked if he'd be interested in running things there. He is now heading up all our operations in L.A. and he is just the most phenomenally kind and talented person on earth. With his art skills he could do whatever he wanted but he devotes a huge amount of time to the kids we work with and I'm so moved by his giving spirit and boundless good energy. And Michael Daedalus Kenny is also stepping up in a leadership role as our newest Event Director, we've got amazing artists like Marla Frazee of Boss Baby genius, Monica Tomova from SpongeBob, Jeanette Moreno, king of The Simpsons, Chris Harmon from Futurama, Ashley Simpson from Phineas and Ferb, Christian Lignan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, graphic novelist, Jeremy Arambulo and so many others so we're in great hands there. I just wish the traffic weren't such a problem! It really is tough to get around that city, unlike NYC where there's a decently functioning subway that goes to all our locations, so getting around is no real trouble comparatively.

Tools of choice:  Our events are usually very handmade by design so that the kids can feel like they could do all of this easily by themselves. So we come up with themes like, “Who is your Superhero?,” and we ask the kids to focus on their strengths and what superpowers they wish they would have, and we draw their portraits as such. We are not art therapists, but we feel these event themes help to make the kids focus on positivity and their potential, and therefore help them to bond and heal. 

We do sometimes get more elaborate, like when we teach stop motion, claymation, and we once even taught them how to build homemade rockets on the roof of Bellevue Hospital! One of our Event Directors at the time, Nathan Schreiber, used to come up with the most fantastic science-focused events. He now runs a company called Science Ninjas, that helps kids learn about science with fun card games. But usually it's simple by design.

We are extremely fortunate to have Blick Arts as a sponsor. Their support enables us to provide each child with their own art kit after each event so that they can keep creating on their own after they learn new skills with us so thanks to them we have a lot of the arts tools we need.

Tool I wish existed: I think we do great working with anything we've got lying around- we emphasize the potential of just about anything to become art: we often create characters out of inanimate objects, make flip books, sculptures and puppets— using everything from card stock to socks to toothpicks and gum drops. We keep it accessible and inventive. 

How can we support The Ink Well Foundation? Because our volunteers are by definition "the artists behind the kids' favorite books, films, comics, and TV shows," we don't solicit volunteers from the general public. We do have an online application on our site, so other professionals that meet our criteria in the illustration, animation, and cartooning industries are welcome to apply there. 

What the general public can do is to help us spread the word so that more children can see that others are going through what they're going through, and also so that they see examples of adults believing in them and encouraging them. We try to promote the idea of art as self-expression and a way to get through trying times, ideally together. Connectivity and encouragement are critical to healing, and honestly, to just building a better world. So we talk about that a lot on our social media and at the events themselves. We also honor the kids' intelligence by talking about art in general there— we highlight classic and new artists and ideas and encourage them to learn from those masters as they develop their own skills.

Because we are a very small 100% volunteer-run organization, we focus on giving the kids the greatest events possible, and sometimes that means we don't have a lot of time for social media, self-promotion, and fund-raising. So spreading the word is huge and we are always extremely grateful for, and in need of, any financial donations. 

Where are Ink Well Foundation events held? We operate in New York City and Los Angeles because that's where the top artists in our fields are concentrated. We go to hospitals and at-risk support centers like Ronald McDonald House, Gilda's Club, Bellevue, St. Mary's, Mount Sinai, Childhelp, Covenant House and more. You can see the full list here. 

How can children who don't live near Ink Well Foundation events benefit from your Pen Pals Program? This is another reason we want people to spread the word. Loved ones of a child experiencing serious illness or hardship, who is physically or geographically unable to attend our events, can apply to have a special artwork sent straight to them. We ask the kids what their favorite animated films, TV shows, or illustrated books are, and then we have an artist who actually worked on that production make something tailored to that child. We then frame it up, and send it off to them by mail. 

We've done this with artists from SpongeBob, Captain Underpants, and just a week ago, we delivered a beautiful drawing of Curious George that our Event Directors, Franz Palomares and Lisa LaBracio (both of whom worked on Curious George) lovingly made. This was for a girl named, Maryanne who lives in Florida. She suffers from a rare disease called, vein of galen malformation that has led to brain damage and vision loss. She is unable to talk or walk or eat through her mouth and she suffers seizures but she understands everything around her, and she can feel texture. So Franz and Lisa made her Curious George playing in a sand box, and they glued real sand into the picture, so that Maryanne could feel that, and enjoy the art on multiple levels. Maryanne's mother, Sandra, said that she was thrilled, and that she loves to hold it. 

Our hearts are full being able to share these works with kids who need that moment of light, and that knowledge that an adult they admire, someone who doesn't even know them well, can care enough about them to take the time to create careful, tailor-made artworks just for them. We hope that helps to bring a smile in the moment, and build self-worth long term.

Misc. I'd like to mention that everything we do is 100% free of charge. No one gets paid, no money ever changes hands for the art. We have brilliant artists like Peter de Séve who is on our board and attends many events, while also creating characters for Ice Age, The Little Prince, and all his New Yorker covers. He could get a mint for his works, but he comes down and does this for free, and that's a testament to the power of that loving connection we all feel when we are just selflessly helping one another.

I feel this most acutely when I'm working with youth who have suffered abuse and neglect. We have an Event Director, Jane Archer, who leads our work at Bellevue Hospital. Many of those kids are there because they have been through unendurable trauma, and Jane connects with them beautifully. She begins with a meditation where we all envision our strengths together, we talk about our talents, and hopes for a brighter day, we imagine embodying those gifts and then we gently, patiently, ask the kids to help us draw characters step by step. Many kids start out very suspicious and resistant, even angry. But by the end of the events they are almost always laughing and teasing us, and they don't want to stop creating. It is my greatest joy to experience that transition and I hope we may continue to spread this support and faith in one another for many years to come.

Website, Etc: 

We are @inkwellkids on every platform:

Website

Facebook 

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Find more posts about art supplies on Case’s Instagram! There is a Twitter as well. If you enjoy this blog, and would like to contribute to labor and maintenance costs, there is also a Patreon!

[handeaux]

The Saga Of Pat McAvoy, Cincinnati’s Lion Slayer

The Cincinnati Zoo was not quite two weeks old when the Cincinnati Daily Times [30 September 1875] printed this rather snarky observation:

“It is said that the Zoological Society consists of two persons, Andrew Erkenbrecker and McAvoy. The former furnishes the game for the latter to shoot.”

Mr. Erkenbrecker, of course is the man most directly responsible for the creation of the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden. But who is McAvoy? And what did he shoot?

The answer is carved on a tombstone at New St. Joseph Cemetery in Price Hill. The capstone, badly eroded by acid rain, tells the curious tale of Patrick McAvoy, Cincinnati’s “Lion Slayer.”

McAvoy was born about 1835 in Ireland and emigrated as a child to the United States at the end of the devastating Great Potato Famine. In later years, legend had it that McAvoy landed in California during the Gold Rush. Maybe he did, and maybe he spent some time out west before settling down. It is known that he had a reputation as an expert marksman and belonged to an elite hunting and fishing club.

When the defining adventures of his life took place, however, McAvoy was settled on Ludlow Avenue, raising a family and enjoying an apparently prosperous career as a building contractor and carpenter. He also served as a town marshal in Clifton.

On 24 March 1895, McAvoy was engaged in constructing buildings at the Cincinnati Zoo, which would open that fall. While many of the Zoo’s buildings were still being assembled. many animals were already on-site and housed in temporary quarters. This was the situation involving a testy lioness, who was driven by hunger or by instinct to attack a donkey being led past her cage by a young boy. According to the Cincinnati Gazette [25 March 1875]:

“The lioness no sooner set eyes upon the ill-starred donkey, than she crouched in the back part of her cage, and, with a roar that startled the echoes, sprang against the bars, snapping them like threads, and landed upon the [donkey’s] back.”

The donkey put up quite a fight, inflicting a serious bite upon the lion’s spine and spared no opportunity to attack with its hooves, kicking repeatedly as the carnivore slashed its sides.

A policeman fired at the lion with his seven-shooter without much effect and night watchman John Nordheim led a small posse armed with a miscellaneous assortment of construction tools and actual weapons, trying to corner the beast. McAvoy joined this rag-tag brigade after fetching a shotgun from his tool shed.

Just as it appeared the lioness was hemmed in near the buffalo house, she sprang into the crowd and pinned watchman Nordheim to the ground, sinking her teeth into his thigh. McAvoy marched to within four feet of the animal and fired a load of birdshot at close range. The lion let go Nordheim, but leapt upon foreman George Haupt and mauled him. Another blast from McAvoy’s gun, and the animal was dead.

According to Kevin Grace and Tom White, authors of the 2004 book, “Cincinnati Cemeteries”:

“ . . . it is said that for the rest of his life, he could walk into any bar in the city and be treated to a drink for his heroism.”

McAvoy’s reputation as a crack shot and wild-animal slayer was cemented that fall when a leopard escaped from the Zoo and prowled Burnet Woods for a couple of days.

It was 18 September 1875 when the first paying customers filed through the Zoo’s gates. On Sunday of the next weekend, while the new zoological garden entertained 12,000 visitors, a keeper left the wrong door unlatched and a leopard got loose. Years later, Sol Stephan, the longtime Zoo manager, recalled the hunt for the Cincinnati Post [23 October 1907]:

“You must remember that at that time all the land around here was a great common. Avondale was a little village; Clifton was another. We offered $100 for any one who would kill the leopard. The city was terrified. Every time an old tom cat would yowl at night, another report would reach us that the ‘leopard’ was heard. He was seen in 20 different places from Maysville, Ky., to Dayton, O., on the same day.”

Both Avondale and Clifton – a decade before they were annexed to Cincinnati – had their own constabularies. John Pfeiffer of the Avondale department and Patrick McAvoy, Clifton’s marshal, roamed the area looking for the leopard. The leopard announced itself by chasing a gentleman down Clifton Avenue one night. As Mr. Stephan recalled, the city was, indeed, terrified. The Gazette [28 September 1875] opined that an uncaged leopard was good for parental discipline:

“The zoological leopard which is at large in the precincts of Clifton will be a blessing to mothers in keeping boys at home of nights.”

McAvoy and Pfeiffer cornered the leopard just outside the Zoo’s fence, no more than a couple hundred feet from where it escaped. Attempts at capturing it alive proved futile and, once again, Patrick McAvoy was hailed as the marksman who fired the fatal shot. The Gazette, deep in a long article, speculates that Constable John Pfeiffer may have inflicted the fatal wound, but “Lion Slayer” McAvoy got the headlines.

The lioness, the donkey and the leopard all met the same fate. They were stuffed and displayed at the Zoo for decades. An 1876 guidebook tells the tale:

“The interior of the Carnivora contains also the stuffed skin of the famous little Jackass, which resisted successfully an attack made by a Lioness at the Garden.”

McAvoy died in 1903, aged about 67 years old. He left behind a 38-year-old widow and that mysterious tombstone at St. Joseph Cemetery.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

What other fandoms are you familiar enough with to use as an AU prompt? Pokemon Trainer AU? Homestuck AU (they'd still probably die but at least there are lots of ways to come back to life)?

I’m not that familiar with Homestuck, definitely not enough to do an AU.  I read the novelizations of the Pokemon show as a kid but never saw the show or played any of the video games.  I did play the super-obscure Pokemon board game, but most of my trading cards were printed in Japanese (I had a strange childhood), so my experience there is, uh, probably not quite overlapping with everyone else’s.

Anyway, if you want list of all my fandoms… Boy howdy.  I don’t think I can come up with them all.  However, I can list everything that comes to mind between now and ~20 minutes from now when I have to end my procrastination break and go back to dissertating.  So here it is, below the cut:

Okay, there is no way in hell I’ll be able to make an exhaustive list.  But off the top of my head, the fandoms I’m most familiar/comfortable with are as follows:

Authors (as in, I’ve read all or most of their books)

Patricia Briggs

Megan Whalen Turner

Michael Crichton

Marge Piercy

Stephenie Meyer

Dean Koontz

Stephen King

Neil Gaiman

K.A. Applegate

Ernest Hemingway

Tamora Pierce

Roald Dahl

Short Stories/Anthologies

A Good Man is Hard to Find, Flannery O’Connor

The Metamorphosis, Franz Kafka

I Am Legend, Richard Matheson

Dubliners, James Joyce

Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes

Who Goes There? John W. Campbell

The Man Who Bridged the Mist, Kij Johnson

Flatland, Edwin Abbott

I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream, Harlan Ellison

To Build a Fire, Jack London

An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge, Ambrose Bier

At the Mountains of Madness/Cthulu mythos, H.P. Lovecraft

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Conan Doyle

The Things They Carried, Tim O’Brien

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Washington Irving

The Martian Chronicles, Ray Bradbury

Close Range: Wyoming Stories, E. Annie Proulx

The Curious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Robert Louis Stevenson

Bartleby the Scrivener (and a bunch of others), Herman Melville

Books (Classics)

Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neal Hurston

The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The Secret Garden, Francis Hodgson Burnett

Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson

Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte

The Secret Annex, Anne Frank

Nine Stories, J.D. Salinger

Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

East of Eden, John Steinbeck

To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison

Slaughterhouse-Five, Kurt Vonnegut

The Stranger, Albert Camus

The Call of the Wild, Jack London

Brave New World, Aldous Huxley

Lord of the Flies, William Golding

Atonement, Ian McEwan

1984, George Orwell

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Betty Smith

The Iliad/The Odyssey, Homer

Metamorphoses, Ovid

Journey to the Center of the Earth, Jules Verne

The Time-Machine, H.G. Wells

The Tempest, Much Ado About Nothing, Twelfth Night, Romeo and Juliet, Henry V, Hamlet, MacBeth, Othello, and The Taming of the Shrew, William Shakespeare

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, Thomas Stoppard

Waiting for Godot, Samuel Beckett

Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood

Books (YA SF)

Young Wizards series, Diane Duane

Redwall, Brian Jaques

The Dark is Rising sequence, Susan Cooper

The Chronicles of Chrestomanci, Diana Wynne Jones

The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis

Abhorsen trilogy, Garth Nix

The Giver series, Lois Lowry

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

Uglies series, Scott Westerfeld

Tuck Everlasting, Natalie Babbitt

A Wizard of Earthsea, Ursula K. Le Guin

Song of the Lioness, Tamora Pierce

A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle

Unwind, Neal Shusterman

The Maze Runner series, James Dashner

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Patricia C. Wrede

Sideways Stories from Wayside School, Louis Sachar

Ella Enchanted, Gail Carson Levine

Ender’s Game, Orson Scott Card

The Phantom Tollbooth, Norton Juster

Coraline, Neil Gaiman

Among the Hidden, Margaret Peterson Haddix

The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, Avi

Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice

Poppy series, Avi

The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd

Tithe, Holly Black

Life as We Knew It, Susan Beth Pfeffer

Blood and Chocolate, Annette Curtis Klause

Peter Pan, J.M. Barrie

The Wizard of Oz, L. Frank Baum

Haunted, Gregory Maguire

Weetzie Bat, Francesca Lia Block

Charlotte’s Web, E.B. White

East, Edith Pattou

Z for Zachariah, Robert C. O’Brien

The Looking-Glass Wars, Frank Beddor

The Egypt Game, Zilpha Keatley Snyder

The Book Thief, Markus Zusak

Homecoming, Cynthia Voigt

Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll

The Landry News, Andrew Clements

Fever 1793, Laurie Halse Anderson

Bloody Jack, L.A. Meyer

The Boxcar Children, Gertrude Chandler Warner

A Certain Slant of Light, Laura Whitcomb

Generation Dead, Daniel Waters

Pendragon series, D.J. MacHale

Silverwing, Kenneth Oppel

Good Omens, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

Define Normal, Julie Anne Peters

Hawksong, Ameila Atwater Rhodes

Heir Apparent, Vivian Vande Velde

Running Out of Time, Margaret Peterson Haddix

The Keys to the Kingdom series, Garth Nix

The Wolves of Willoughby Chase, Joan Aiken

The Seer and the Sword, Victoria Hanley

My Side of the Mountain, Jean Craighead George

Daughters of the Moon series, Lynne Ewing

The Midwife’s Apprentice, Karen Cushman

Island of the Aunts, Eva Ibbotson

The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern

The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm, Nancy Farmer

A Great and Terrible Beauty, Libba Bray

A School for Sorcery, E. Rose Sabin

The House with a Clock in Its Walls, John Bellairs

The Edge Chronicles, Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell

Hope was Here, Joan Bauer

Bunnicula, James Howe

Wise Child, Monica Furlong

Silent to the Bone, E.L. Konigsburg

The Twenty-One Balloons, William Pene du Bois

Dead Girls Don’t Write Letters, Gail Giles

The Supernaturalist, Eoin Colfer

Blue is for Nightmares, Laurie Faria Stolarz

Mystery of the Blue Gowned Ghost, Linda Wirkner

Wait Till Helen Comes, Mary Downing Hahn

I was a Teenage Fairy, Francesca Lia Block

City of the Beasts series, Isabelle Allende

Summerland, Michael Chabon

The Geography Club, Brent Hartinger

The Last Safe Place on Earth, Richard Peck

Liar, Justine Larbalestier

The Doll People, Ann M. Martin

The Lost Years of Merlin, T.A. Barron

Matilda Bone, Karen Cushman

Nine Stories, J.D. Salinger

The Tiger Rising, Kate DiCamillo

The Spiderwick Chronicles, Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi

In the Forests of the Night, Amelia Atwater-Rhodes

My Teacher is an Alien, Bruce Coville

The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles, Julie Andrews Edwards

Storytime, Edward Bloor

Magic Shop series, Bruce Coville

A Series of Unfortunate Events, Lemony Snicket

Veritas Project series, Frank Peretti

The Once and Future King, T.H. White

Raven’s Strike, Patricia Briggs

What-the-Dickens: The Story of a Rogue Tooth Fairy, Gregory Maguire

The Wind Singer, William Nicholson

Sweetblood, Pete Hautman

The Trumpet of the Swan, E.B. White

Half Magic, Edward Eager

A Ring of Endless Light, Madeline L'Engle

The Heroes of Olympus, Rick Riordan

Maximum Ride series, James Patterson

The Edge on the Sword, Rebecca Tingle

World War Z, Max Brooks

Adaline Falling Star, Mary Pope Osborne

Six of Crows, Leigh Bardugo

Children of Blood and Bone, Tomi Adeyemi

Parable of the Sower series, Octavia Butler

I, Robot, Isaac Asimov

Neuomancer, William Gibson

Dune, Frank Herbert

The Miseducation of Cameron Post, Emily M. Danforth

The Martian, Andy Weir

Skeleton Man, Joseph Bruchac

Comics/Manga

Marvel 616 (most of the major titles)

Marvel 1610/Ultimates

Persepolis

This One Summer

Nimona

Death Note

Ouran High School Host Club

Vampire Knight

Emily Carroll comics

Watchmen

Fun Home

From Hell

American Born Chinese

Smile

The Eternal Smile

The Sandman

Calvin and Hobbes

The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For

TV Shows

Fullmetal Alchemist

Avatar the Last Airbender

Teen Titans (2003)

Luke Cage/Jessica Jones/Iron Fist/Defenders/Daredevil/The Punisher

Agents of SHIELD/Agent Carter

Supernatural

Sherlock

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Firefly

American Horror Story

Ouran High School Host Club

Orange is the New Black

Black Sails

Stranger Things

Westworld

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Movies

Marvel Cinematic Universe

Jurassic Park/Lost World/Jurassic World/Lost Park?

The Breakfast Club

Cloverfield/10 Cloverfield Lane/The Cloverfield Paradox

Attack the Block

The Prestige

Moon

Ferris Bueler’s Day Off

Django Unchained/Kill Bill/Inglourious Basterds/Hateful 8/Pulp Fiction/etcetera

Primer

THX 1138/Akira/How I Live Now/Lost World/[anything I’ve named a fic after]

Star Wars

The Meg

A Quiet Place

Baby Driver

Mother!

Alien/Aliens/Prometheus

X-Men (et al.)

10 Things I Hate About You

The Lost Boys

Teen Wolf

Juno

Pirates of the Caribbean (et al.)

Die Hard

Most Disney classics: Toy Story, Mulan, Treasure Planet, Emperor’s New Groove, etc.

Most Pixar classics: Up, Wall-E, The Incredibles

The Matrix

Dark Knight trilogy

Halloween

Friday the 13th

A Nightmare on Elm Street

The Descent

Ghostbusters

Ocean’s Eight/11/12/13

King Kong

The Conjuring

Fantastic Four

Minority Report/Blade Runner/Adjustment Bureau/Total Recall

Fight Club

Spirited Away

O

Disturbing Behavior

The Faculty

Poets

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Marge Piercy

Thomas Hardy

Sigfried Sassoon

W. B. Yeats

Edgar Allan Poe

Ogden Nash

Margaret Atwood

Maya Angelou

Emily Dickinson

Matthew Dickman

Karen Skolfield

Kwame Alexander

Ellen Hopkins

Shel Silverstein

Musicals/Stage Plays

Les Miserables

Repo: The Genetic Opera

The Lion King

The Phantom of the Opera

Rent

The Prince of Egypt

Pippin

Into the Woods

A Chorus Line

Hairspray

Evita

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

Fiddler on the Roof

Annie

Fun Home

Spring Awakening

Chicago

Cabaret

The Miser

The Importance of Being Earnest

South Pacific

Godspell

Wicked

The Wiz

The Wizard of Oz

Man of La Mancha

The Sound of Music

West Side Story

Matilda

Sweeney Todd

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Nunsense

You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown/Snoopy

1776

Something Rotten

A Very Potter Musical

Babes in Toyland

Carrie: The Musical

Amadeus

Annie Get Your Gun

25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

The Final Battle

Rock of Ages

Cinderella

Moulin Rouge

Honk

Labyrinth

The Secret Garden

Reefer Madness

Bang Bang You’re Dead

NSFW

War Horse

Peter Pan

Suessical

Sister Act

The Secret Annex

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Disclaimer 1: Like a lot of people who went to high school in the American South, my education in literature is pretty shamefully lacking in a lot of areas.  (As in, during our African American History unit in ninth grade we read To Kill a Mockingbird, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn… and that was it.  As in, our twelfth-grade US History class, I shit you not, covered Gone With the Wind.)  There were a lot of good teachers in with the *ahem* Less Woke ones (how I read Their Eyes Were Watching God and The Bluest Eye) and college definitely set me on the path to trying to find books written/published outside the WASP-ier parts of the U.S., but the overall list is still embarrassingly hegemonic.

Disclaimer 2: There are a crapton of errors — typos, misspelled names, misattributions, questionable genre classifications, etc. — in here.  If you genuinely have no idea what a title is supposed to be, ask me.  Otherwise, please don’t bother letting me know about my mistakes.

Disclaimer 3: I am not looking for recommendations.  My Goodreads “To Read” list is already a good 700 items long, and people telling me “if you like X, then you’ll love Y!” genuinely stresses me the fuck out.

Disclaimer 4: There are no unproblematic faves on this list.  I love Supernatural, and I know that Supernatural is hella misogynistic.  On the flip side: I don’t love The Lord of the Rings at all, partially because LOTR is hella misogynistic, but I also don’t think that should stop anyone else from loving LOTR if they’re willing to love it and also acknowledge its flaws. 

[amostexcellentblog]

Classic Movies for Beginners: Case File #3: The MGM Musicals

The world is a stage, The stage is a world of entertainment!

Director(s): Vincente Minnelli; Stanley Donen; Charles Walters; and Others

Starring: (Deep Breath) Judy Garland; Fred Astaire; Gene Kelly; Cyd Charisse; Debbie Reynolds; Donald O’Connor; Frank Sinatra; Jane Powell; many more.

Watch if You Like: Musicals. Seriously, the MGM musicals still define the genre in the popular imagination. So even if you’ve never seen one (and you have seen one, The Wizard of Oz) you’re probably familiar with the style. Almost every recent hit movie musical--La La Land, Hairspray, The Greatest Showman, High School Musical--was shaped in some way by the bright technicolor sweetness of these movies. So if you’re a fan of any of those films, a theater geek, or just curious about what the movie musical was like at its peak, enjoy.

Since I could talk for days about these movies, I’ve decided to just do a quick list of the 10 most essential titles There are, of course, many other musicals from the studio that are worth a watch, but I’m trying to control myself.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952): Everyone’s favorite musical! In case you’ve been living under a rock: Don Lockwood (Kelly) is a silent movie star famous for his films with shrill-voiced Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen). Talkies seem poised to ruin them until his pal Cosmo (O’Connor) gives him the idea to do a musical with his girlfriend (Reynolds) dubbing Lina’s voice. No summary can ever capture what makes this movie such a complete joy to watch. Every song, every dance, every performance is just flawlessly executed to put a great big smile on your face. It’s one of the few movies that deserves to be called perfect.

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944): A year in the life of the Smith family in 1903 St. Louis, the year the world’s fair came to town. There are four daughters, second-eldest Esther (Garland) is on the cusp of adulthood, starry-eyed, and filled with young love for the boy next door (Tom Drake). Youngest is Tootie (Margaret O’Brien), mischievous and morbidly fascinated by death in a way only an innocent child can be. Father (Leon Ames) gets a job in New York, a move that threatens the family’s fragile innocence. Will they go? 

Minimalist plot doesn’t sound like much, but it’s actually a great coming-of-age movie. Beneath its nostalgic sheen there are some darker moments that deal frankly with the loss of innocence that comes with growing up. Garland debuts “The Trolley Song” and the holiday standard “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which she sings with a more heartbreaking style than you’re likely to hear now. “Have yourself a merry little Christmas, now...” she sings, as if you might never have another chance to. Appreciate innocence while you have it, the movie says, it can be taken away so easily.

The Band Wagon (1953): Washed up movie star Tony Hunter, (Astaire) heads to Broadway to star in a musical comedy written by his friends (Oscar Levant and Nanette Fabray), but they make the mistake of hiring a snooty director of dramas who promptly turns it into a heavy handed Faust adaptation. Tony is unsure of this, as well as the much younger ballerina (Cyd Charisse) hired to be his leading lady. The official favorite musical of people who think it’s too mainstream to pick Singin’ in the Rain. The satire of high art and low art can get heavy handed, and the movie’s ultimate assertion that Broadway musicals are meant to be light comedy is hopelessly dated in the era of Next to Normal and Spring Awakening. It’s real charms lie in the dances, from the joyful hoofing of "Shine on Your Shoes" to the simple romance of "Dancing in the Dark."

On the Town (1949): Three sailors (Kelly, Sinatra, Jules Munshin) on 24 hour leave in New York, New York (I hear it’s a wonderful town) find love and hijinks as they pursue a beauty contest winner (Vera-Ellen) across the city after one of them falls in love at first sight. Along for the ride are Betty Garret as their cab driver, and Ann Miller as a boy crazy anthropologist. Adapted from a Broadway hit, much of Leonard Bernstein’s score was replaced with original music for some reason (censors also required the lyric “New York, New York it’s a helluva town” be changed to “it’s a wonderful town.”) Fortunately, that doesn’t make it any less of a delight, with a perfect cast and great choreography celebrating the limitless possibilities of the city.

Easter Parade (1948): When his dance partner (Ann Miller) leaves him, Don Hewes (Astaire) plucks a girl out of the chorus (Garland) and sets out to make her a star. Shades of George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion (nobody tell Lerner and Loewe), with Peter Lawford in the Freddy role and a slew of Irving Berlin tunes along for the ride. The only movie Astaire and Garland made together, and it’s a fascinating pairing of the most carefree (onscreen anyway) musical star and the least. Astaire was rarely paired with singing stars (as opposed to dancers), and Garland was a bigger star than he was when this movie shot. As a result her character gets more solo numbers and feels more independent of Astaire’s than usual. On the flip side, Astaire does a better job at holding his own opposite Garland than most of her leading men. It’s a shame they never made another movie together as their chemistry makes the film.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954): Mountain man Howard Keel ventures into an old west town one day looking for a wife to play housekeeper. He finds one (Powell), who falls in love at first sight and marries him dreaming of a romantic life in the wilderness. He didn’t mention they’d be living with his unruly brothers. Fortunately she manages to tame them enough to go to town for a barn raising. That’s when the trouble starts, each brother meets and falls for a girl from town. After an iconic dance-off with their fiances, the brothers end up kidnapping the women for the winter, which does not go over well. 

Look, this is not as sexist as its sounds. This is not a Stockholm Syndrome thing, the narrative does not condone the kidnapping, the men are banished to the barn by Powell so nobody’s pressured to do anything, and if you look at the end of the barn raising dance you see that the women do initially to choose the brothers on their own free will, before their parents intervene. The movie ultimately comes down on the side of equal power dynamics in relationships. Anyway, the dancing in this movie is incredible. Watch it for that if nothing else.

The Harvey Girls (1946): Desperate to get out of her small town, Susan Bradley (Garland) moves west to marry her lonely-hearts pen pal. That falls through, so she gets a job as a waitress at the Harvey House, a (real) restaurant chain catering to train passengers. A lot of the town’s men don’t want the ladies there, because the chain’s strict moral standards has a reputation for civilizing wild west towns. Nevertheless, they persisted. The town is cleaned up, and the waitresses find true love. Great showcase for Garland’s comedic and dramatic skills. The movie’s slyly feminist defense of a woman’s right to see the world beyond her back yard and the boy next door, as well as its emphasis on female friendships, make up for a bland male lead and awkward third act. (A proper big final number was shot, but deleted for time so the whole thing kinda peters out.)

Lili (1953): Barely a musical, but it has one song and two dance sequences that are key to developing the characters and plot, so it counts. Recently orphaned Lili (Leslie Caron) is all alone and naïve about the ways of the world. She is charmed by a womanizing magician in a traveling carnival. After he rebuffs her affections she attempts suicide, but is stopped at the last minute by the carnival’s puppeteer, Paul (Mel Ferrer), who strikes up a conversation through his puppets. Lili’s natural interaction with the puppets attracts a crowd and she is made part of the act. Paul was once a great dancer whose career was ended by a war injury, lonely and embittered he is drawn to Lili’s soft heart but is unable to express his affection for her without his puppets. Touching story about the walls we build to protect ourselves from hurt, and the necessity of letting them down. Caron’s performance is incredible, it’s like she walked out of a fairy tale.

The Pirate (1948): Manuela (Garland) lives in a small Caribbean village and spends her days fantasizing of adventure and romance with the legendary pirate Macoco, so she’s heartbroken to learn she’s to marry the town’s boring mayor, Don Pedro. On a trip to the port to pick up her wedding dress she is spotted by traveling actor Serafin (Kelly), who falls instantly in love. She is unimpressed with his charms so he pretends to be Macoco in disguise to win her over. Mistaken identity hijinks ensue when he shows up in her hometown and realizes her boring fiance is actually the retired Macoco. This never takes off the way it should. Between the stars, the director (Minnelli), and original Cole Porter songs this should be a home run. Frustratingly, the story never comes together as well as it should, Manuela starts to feel like a supporting player in the second half which throws the whole movie off balance. Still, there are some great songs and dances, and the movie does manage to say a few interesting things about who we are versus who we pretend to be in life.

Royal Wedding (1951): Sibling song-and-dance team (Astaire and Powell) heads to England to perform in a new show against the backdrop of the upcoming wedding of Princess Elizabeth and Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Edinburgh (what ever happened to those two?) While there both of them find themselves falling in love. Her with a penniless Lord (Peter Lawford), him with a newly engaged dancer (Sarah Churchill, daughter of Winston). This is primarily for Astaire fans who get to see two of his most famous dances. One with a hat rack, proving he could dance with anything, the other where he dances on the wall and ceiling of his room thanks to some clever practical effects.

[theloniousbach]

PIANO/TENOR SAXOPHONE DUOS AT MEZZROW’S

COUCH TOUR: GEOFFREY KEEZER/NICOLE GLOVER, 29 OCTOBER 2021, Set 2

ALMOST COUCH TOUR: DAVE KIKOSKI/SCOTT ROBINSON, 23 OCTOBER 2021, Set 1

As a fan of Nicole Glover’s big growl of a sound, I wanted to hear her with Geoffrey Keezer whom I should know better than I do. He was in the Ingrid Jensen/Steve Treseler tribute to Kenny Wheeler and on a gig with, maybe it was, Jeremy Pelt. But he pops up in association with others I like, so I’m inclined to like him.

Glover has played for year with a trio and recorded an album with them plus George Cables on several cuts. But the night before she led a quintet for Small’s late set which I’ll catch later. She was also in at least three iterations of the Palladium ensemble that plays the Wayne Shorter book. She’s got a muscular sound and takes no prisoners.

It was Keezer’s gig last night and his tunes, so Glover sat down and served the music by playing smaller. She was just as melodically inventive but patiently let his tunes develop. I needed a while to settle in but so, I think, did Keezer as the first couple of tunes were more compositional, but by the third tune, a quiet tribute to James Williams, The Kindest Soul, they were in lyrical sympathy. He snuck up on chords and she developed her lines patiently. I even wrote “Getzish” whereas she’s been full Rollins mostly. Then Hey It’s Snowing has arpeggiated shimmers and brief brisk moments from each, including, I thought, a Monk tease. The closer Wild Line wasn’t that wild but it has a hard boppish smartness that suited them both.

I still don’t have Keezer pegged and what I thought I knew about Glover has been pleasantly complicated

But her tone summoned Scott Robinson whom I saw in a couple of gigs earlier in the month, including a duo, with Helen Sung. I’d been listening to his Tenormore album (also with Sung) anyway, so it was easy to put his gig with Dave Kikoski up in the queue.

I’d seen Kikoski with Wayne Escoffery, also within the past few weeks, and was a little put off. He was not at all subtle and was almost too much for even a strong player like Escoffery. I was curious how Robinson’s feathery tone would work. The answer is just fine, thank you, with a repertoire of standards and an old friendship dating back to Berkelee in the early 80s. Kikoski of course has taste and, though still inclined toward full chord voicings, there was still plenty of space for Robinson to find what was worth chewing over in the melodies. They were joined for East of the Sun West of the Moon and If You Could See Me Now by Naama Gerber who sang pleasantly enough by way of thanking the Small’s/Mezzrow’s and broader jazz community for their support of her partner trumpeter Carlos Abadie who was injured in a drunk driver accident.

Robinson also brings his trumpet to gigs and plays it a little, frequently shifting mid-chorus back to tenor. Unsurprisingly he has the same sense of improvisation and line construction no matter the horn and he settles in the same range too. He is primarily a reed player and tenor has to be the go to horn, but I can’t help but think that his trumpet has to shed light on his tenor.

It surprises me a bit that I am drawn to Robinson as his end of the tenor spectrum wasn’t where I started. But he and others do important things in that range of tone and timbre—and a player like Glover can drop in and also contribute.

So these gigs helped to keep my ears open and there’s always something new to explore.

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