#cuz he didnt listen the first 2 and just kept trying to explain his idea of 'just restate the chapter in order' to us

[elprupneerg]

three hours of sleep gang woooooooooooooooooo

[jordanbarnes]

Secret Santa

Dear Jordan Alexander Barnes

Im not the best Christmas gift giver to be totally honest, so just putting it out there so you dont get your hopes up too high. First time i celebrated Christmas ( after being old enough to remember the details of it) was when i moved here to the states because my uncle and his family celebrate it every year along with almost the whole of New York it seems like. The first year, i learned that my idea of a nice gift, isnt necessarily what others like and appreciate but i guess thats just how life goes. I have always been found of the whole Secret santa thing thats popular around christmas time here. I think not everyone looks at it the same way, i think a lot of people look at is as a thing where you buy someone an expensive gift in hope of getting something cool back, i look at it a little bit different,  i look at it as a way to get to know someone new through fun items and words. I dont really care if you use the gift, keep it or what else you do with it, but i hope that through the gift you will at least smile, and who knows, maybe you will learn something new and get to know me a little. 

Growing up, the luxury of sweet baked goods was not something i would get a lot.  However, every Hanukkah, my mom would bake these yummy m&m cookies, a recipe she had brought with her to Israel from New York. You see, my father is from Israel but my mother is from New York, USA. These cookies were something i would look forward to every single year, Hanukkah lasts for 8 days, and my mission every year was to try and make them last through the 8 days, i didnt always happen but as the years got by it became easier. The whole recipe is on the back of the note on the jar as well with instructions for the batch in the jar

What goes better with some freshly baked cookies, that a steaming hot peppermint hot chocolate? All you have to do is add 2 cups of milk in a pot, bring it to boil, add this mixture in stir until everything dissolves and its ready.

Christmas may not be my ting. But the Christmas trees with all the ornaments are pretty cool if you ask me. I love all the different kinds of ornaments. I have learned, that decorating a tree is a whole lot of work. Sometimes i help putting up a tree at my uncles house and its exhausting, thats when you wish someone would just do it for you right? I made you this ornament so you can try and see if it helps you out, read what it says out loud, you might have to yell.... it hasn't for me so far tho. 

I do realize that for some people, Christmas is more of a serious thing and jokes might not be appropriate, If thats the case for you, you can always just use this one i painted for you in stead and ignore the other one

I always remember this one year, Hanukka was over around  middle of December and mom wanted to go on vacation and show me what Christmas was all about, i think i was 5 years old maybe. So we came here to New Your close to Christmas and spent it here with my uncle. The first Christmas present i ever got, was from my uncle and he gave me this magical snow globe. If i turned it around i would turn a knob a few times and it would play "the first Noel" And when i turned it back around, it was as if it was snowing in the globe. That snow globe mesmerized me completely, i spent all christmas listening to it and just watching it snow. Everyone were so sick of the song at the end of the day but i just kept listening over and over. I still have that snow globe, its one of my favorite things i own and it is safely stored on a shelf in my room in Jerusalem. I know your not 5, but these snow globes are so beautiful and i thought it might bring you some joy. 

  Last but not least, a small little something from me to you. 

Its always fun to learn more about other cultures right? its fascinating to me at least. I dont know if you know anything about Hanukkah, but i thought i would give this to you and explain anyways in case you dont know and would like to cuz i know i would. This little peace is something called Dreidle, Its a toy we use at Hanukkah. The game is pretty simple but really fun and anyone can play it and any number of people can play. Everyone starts off with the same number of something. It can be money, candies, nuts... anything as long as everyone has the same amount of it. If you look at the Dreidle, it has 4 sides each with its own sign every sign means something and tells you what to do pretty much. Before starting the game everyone adds one peace to the pot, if the pot empties everyone adds one more peace to the pot. the game ends when one player has earned all the pieces. So in case you dont know hebrew i got this cheat sheet for you to make it easy. 

I really hope you enjoy and have a lot of fun with this little secret santa gift and maybe learned something or at least brought a smile to your face. I also hope you have a really good time this holiday season. Enjoy it to the fullest with those you love. Life is a precious thing we are lucky enough to get to experience. 

Happy holidays,

from your Secret Santa, Matteo

[melaninkpopimagines]

Affairs

Part: 1!| 2!| 3!| 4!

Author: Admin Jazzi

warning: Smut, Cursing, language, murder

Word count: 2k

Flashes of you stabbing him raced through your mind. You were in a haze. You don't remember how you got the knife. The only thing your remember clearly was calling Erik. Trying to put it all together was hard, trying to remember was hurting you.

“Hey baby, pay attention to what i'm telling you.” Erik said, splashing a bit of water into your face. You snapped out of the trance you were in and looked around. You were in the bathtub, Erik was bathing you. You looked on the ground and saw your bloody clothes. The water was a dark pink.

You looked at him. He stared back at you. “Baby are you listening? I said you can't say anything to anyone? I’m gonna get you out of here. But you gotta work with me mama.” he said. You nodded. “yeah i-i,” you looked at him frantically, “Erik I don't know what happened.”

He looked at you sturnly, “nun happened. We gonna go on a trip, aiight?” he asked. You seemed to zone out again. You really killed a man. Erik splashed you with the bloody water. “Yo listen to me focus baby i gotta get you outta hear.” he picked you up out of the water. Erik grabbed your clothes from the bedroom and dressed you. “You ain't gotta talk about this right now baby. Just don't think about it.” he said as he dressed you. He dried your hair and gently kissed your forehead. He placed your hood over your damp hair. “You trust me huh? If you trust me we can do this alright ?” he looked into your eyes. His dark brown eyes felt like such a heavy presence. You nodded as you looked down, ashamed. He kissed you, wiping the tears from your face. “Baby it’s okay i gotchu. You gonna get through this. You let him hug you tightly.

Erik walked you into the bedroom. You saw it clean. Damn near spotless. There was no body laying on the floor. Not a drop of blood, it looked like nothing happened. You looked at Erik. Did you imagine all that. “We gotta go baby i'm gonna explain let's just get away from here.” He said.

He walked you out of the back door. He lead you down the alley and to his car. Erik pushed you into the car making sure no one saw. You looked in the back seat. There were bags, you could see money spilling out of one of them. “I have t-to turn myself in.” you insisted. Erik glared at you. “You just sitcho ass right there. This is my fault. Let me handle it.”

“How is this your fault?” you questioned.

But Erik didn't speak. He kissed your hand and started driving. He drove quickly but after an hour you fell asleep. You were beyond exhausted but the images traumatized you. Even tho Randy couldn't control you with the beatings anymore, he still took your happiness away. Even being with Erik made you feel worse...guilty. Randy was an asshole. He was scum; but you never thought you’d snap and kill him.

“Baby let’s get inside.” he said. You looked around. You had no idea where you were. It was night time. You were surrounded by trees. “Erik where are we.”

He unloaded his bags from the car. “We need to stay here until i can fix this.” he said, not really stopping to explain to you. You stayed in the car. “Erik how can you fix this? I murdered a man. I need to turn myself in.” Erik stopped dead in his tracks. “No what you need to do is get inside. You said you trusted me so trust me. I ain't gonna let nothing happen to me.

You got out of the car and went into the cabin. It was huge and well lit. When you got in Erik locked the doors behind you. “Okay no one will be able to find you here. I have to go back into town and handle this. You stay here. Watch tv or whatever just stay inside.” he said. “What about my mom? I need to call my mom.” “Baby she knows you’re fine don't worry. Once i fix this it'll be okay. I just can't have you running around being seen.” He spoke in a hurry. He grabbed his keys and kissed you. “Lock the doors behind me, eat and sleep.” You kissed him back, holding him tightly for a moment. “You gonna be good girl, just trust me. I gotchu.” he said. You let Erik go, wrapping your arms around yourself. “Don't open this door. I’ll be back tomorrow morning. You can use the landline only to call me if there's an emergency. ” You watched Erik leave. The room was cold without him there.

You sat on the couch and flipped through channels for hours. You were too scared to sleep.

Everything haunted you: but more than anything you wondered why you had done it. What made you black out. What made you snap? He had done this before. You didn't feel bad that he was dead. You hated him with your whole heart: but you never wanted to kill him, at least not yourself. So what exactly made you snap.

You found yourself mindlessly exploring the cabin. You didn't call Erik. You didn't want to face him. You said everything was gonna be okay. You didn't mean it this way. You didn't mean to dump this in his lap. When you woke up the way you did you didn’t know who else to call. You dialed Erik out of instinct. You should have called the police. You shouldn't gotten him involved. How could you expect him to do this, just because you were having an affair. You blindly trusted the man. A man you were only having an affair with. You had never expressed anything but lust towards each other.

You slowly walked into the last room down the hall. You pushed the door open slowly. It creaked loudly. As you walked in, you switched on the lights. The room was filled with pictures of you...and Randy. You looked around frantically. There are pictures from your wedding, from before you were engaged, from the day you met him. Tears filled your eyes and fear made you panic. Your chest felt tight. You stared at all the pictures. Everyday, pictures of him beating you, all of it pinned on the wall

3 months earlier

The affair with Erik was heated. You held him close, his head rested between your breasts. “What are these?” you asked running over the raised skin that covered his body. “There all the women that fell for me.” he joked. You rolled eyes, playfully pushing his head. “Okay nigga you got so many bitches why aint you with them right now.” you said. He settled his head back down, unbothered. “Cuz i knew you needed some dick.” he said.

“You’re annoying.” you said. He laughed and kissed your chin. “Mhm if im so annoying why you keep calling me?” he asked. You didn't answer. You didn't know exactly why you kept calling him. Meeting up like this was stressful: but moments like this was what kept you sane.

“What are these really? You never told me.” you asked again. “I never told you cuz its none of your business.” he snapped. You looked down at him. He always got random attitudes. You pushed him off of you and started scooting away. He pulled you back and hovered over you. “Where the fuck are you going?” he said. You rolled your eyes, looking away from his brown eyes. “Your attitude wasn't called for nigga.” you said. “SO you mad i won't tell you?” he said. “Nah nigga like i said! Your attitude wasn't called for. Fuck you i was just curious.” you pushed at his chest. He trapped you. A deep chuckle left him. “You’re so fucking sensitive.” he said. You rolled your eyes mumbling how he could fuck off again.

He started kissing your neck slowly, settling between your legs as he spread them. “Stop trying to fight with me tonight. Itll be a minute before we can do this again, and i know you gonna miss this dick.” he said, grinding his hips against you. You shut your eyes feeling his length grinding on the lips of your pussy.

You moaned his name, as he gripped your ass.

“Erik you get on my nerves.” You moaned.

“You sound like you enjoying me baby girl. What’s the truth?” you felt your head spin as he entered you. His hips rocked slowly and deeply. His full length throbbing as he pounded into you. “You like this shit don’t you?” he gripped your ass, pumping into you roughly. You moaned throwing your head back. He rubbed your clit, thrusting harder. “Nuh uh baby. All that attitude you had earlier, you better fucking speak. You like this shit?”

“Yes daddy!” you screamed. He didn't have to tell you twice. You were already on the verge of your orgasm. “Fix that damn attitude then.” he thrusted harder.

You were still sensitive from getting hot and heavy just a few moments before the small argument. You moved your hips against his hard thrusts. “Thats right baby fuck yourself on that dick.” he groaned into your ears. He stopped and watched as you moved your hips roughly. You gripped his arms. You moaned his name, practically screaming as your orgasm took you over. That's when he took over, roughly fucking you through your orgasm as his followed. He laid on top of you, kissing your neck and holding you. “Now fix your attitude.” he said into your ear, “These things on me would make you hate me.” he said

“If you’re ashamed why did you do it...so many times.” you said after catching your breath. He shook his head. “Nah I”m not ashamed i just know it’ll hurt you to find out.” he said. You looked at him strangely but you could tell he didnt want to talk about it further.

Three months later

You slowly backed out of the room. Your breath was shakey, you couldn't breathe looking at it all. You backed into something firm. You jumped turning around and saw Erik. “Baby let me explain calm down.” he said, he backed away. He gave you space.

“What the fuck is going on?! What the fuck is all of this?!” You screamed. You were frantic. Your heart raced. You were scared. For the first time you feared Erik. you were more afraid of Erik in that instance than you ever were of Randy. “Yo come sit down let me talk to you.” he said. “Tell me now! I don't want to move from this spot till you tell me what all this shit is.” you ordered. His jaw clenched. You had never talked to him like that; but could he blame you?

He started speaking, moving closer to you, “I was sent to frame you for his murder.”

A/N: Hello thank you for reading!!

-Jazzi

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none. 

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back. 

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile. 

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza. 

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone. 

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it. 

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people. 

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters” 

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do. 

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways. 

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter. 

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner. 

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it. 

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice. 

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems.